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OK, OK.
2
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Bit more wrinkly
than I'd have thought.
3
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Do I have to?
4
00:00:20,172 --> 00:00:23,482
It's not quite as bad
as I thought it was going to be.
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Like maybe like a slug.
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Oh. Hmm.
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Narrator: I'm Laura Dodsworth
and I'm an artist
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working on a project about
our most intimate body part.
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In the past I've attracted
controversy with my work
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00:00:39,655 --> 00:00:42,724
by photographing and writing
about penises and breasts,
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00:00:42,827 --> 00:00:45,586
now I'm ready
for the last taboo.
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00:00:46,689 --> 00:00:48,862
I'm asking 100 women
to get naked
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00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,689
and talk about their vaginas
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and I'm going to take part too.
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I'm photographing their vulvas,
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00:00:55,172 --> 00:00:56,896
that's the part on the outside
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00:00:57,862 --> 00:00:59,241
and interviewing them
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00:00:59,344 --> 00:01:01,551
about how their vaginas
have shaped their lives.
19
00:01:02,862 --> 00:01:04,586
It's a part of ourselves
that we don't talk about,
20
00:01:04,689 --> 00:01:07,379
understand or even look at.
21
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It's time to see
what's really down there
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and how it defines us.
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Woman: Lady garden.
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Woman: Fanny.
25
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Woman: I say pussy.
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Woman: Pussy.
Woman: Pussy.
27
00:01:16,241 --> 00:01:17,896
Woman: I like the word vagina.
Woman: Vagina, vulva.
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00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,344
Woman: Vulva.
Woman: Privates.
29
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Woman: Front bottom
and possibly fanny.
30
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Woman: Fanny.
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Woman: Foo foos, la-las,
and minis and things.
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Woman: Front door
of happiness.
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Woman: The rose cupcake.
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Woman: Cunt.
Woman: Cunt.
35
00:01:27,586 --> 00:01:28,793
- I call it my beautiful cunt.
36
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- The vagina is such
a magnificent thing,
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it does so many amazing things,
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including like giving birth
to like a whole new people.
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00:01:54,965 --> 00:01:57,206
- Growing up,
I never looked at my vulva
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00:01:57,310 --> 00:02:00,448
because there was no need to,
I just washed it.
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00:02:00,551 --> 00:02:02,931
When I did eventually
look at it,
42
00:02:03,034 --> 00:02:06,379
I really felt like a huge weight
had been lifted from me.
43
00:02:07,551 --> 00:02:11,793
- There's still a lot of shame
around the vagina,
44
00:02:11,896 --> 00:02:14,206
I think it starts in school,
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boys are taught about
wet dreams and erections
46
00:02:17,413 --> 00:02:20,793
and the female equivalent
is about periods.
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We do bleed as well,
48
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but we also have the equivalent
of an erection and a wet dream.
49
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- The penis is this really
funny appendage at one end
50
00:02:31,241 --> 00:02:33,310
and very powerful
and like dominating
51
00:02:33,413 --> 00:02:34,689
on the other end,
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but nobody wants
to think about a vulva,
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no one wants to think about
a vagina, it's like ugh, gross.
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When you tell me you're ready,
I'll take the photograph.
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- Yes, ready.
- Ready? OK.
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00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:46,379
- Yeah.
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00:02:49,068 --> 00:02:51,000
Narrator: As well
as taking photos,
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I'm interviewing women about
every aspect of their vaginas
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from pleasure to pain.
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That's alright.
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00:03:03,448 --> 00:03:05,793
It's different
seeing it like that,
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00:03:05,896 --> 00:03:07,896
but it's fine.
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00:03:10,827 --> 00:03:12,517
It's mine, it's fine.
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00:03:16,551 --> 00:03:18,482
Woman: I wear my pubic hair
au naturel.
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Woman: It's neat and tidy,
I keep it reasonably short.
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00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,896
Woman: I'm sporting a full-on
Afro right now.
67
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,241
Woman: [laughs] Like bald.
68
00:03:24,344 --> 00:03:26,172
Woman: When you get the back
and the sides shaved, you know,
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00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:27,448
like level three trim.
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00:03:27,551 --> 00:03:29,137
Woman: I've always liked
pubic hair.
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Woman: It's there
for a reason,
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00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,862
it's there to keep bacteria out.
73
00:03:31,965 --> 00:03:34,275
- Usually I'm bald
and I like that.
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00:03:34,379 --> 00:03:37,206
I have a bald patch
in the middle,
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because of my operation.
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You know, trim around it.
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I'm actually thinking about
making it blonde one side.
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I literally
have not done anything
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in terms of grooming
to my vagina in maybe two years.
80
00:03:51,689 --> 00:03:54,655
Occasionally my boyfriend
will help me
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00:03:54,758 --> 00:03:58,000
when I ask him to
with his clippers.
82
00:03:59,862 --> 00:04:02,689
Which involve me
like screaming at him
83
00:04:02,793 --> 00:04:04,689
'cause I thought he was
going to cut off my clit.
84
00:04:04,793 --> 00:04:06,586
But he did a really great job
85
00:04:06,689 --> 00:04:08,586
and he was very calm whilst
he was doing it, he's like,
86
00:04:08,689 --> 00:04:10,724
"I'm just going under here now
just so you know,
87
00:04:10,827 --> 00:04:12,000
"just, can you just like
88
00:04:12,103 --> 00:04:13,551
"spread them a little bit
further apart."
89
00:04:13,655 --> 00:04:15,241
I'm like,
"You're such a good guy,"
90
00:04:15,344 --> 00:04:18,103
but we tended to avoid that
little grooming ritual
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00:04:18,206 --> 00:04:20,862
just because it's too stressful
for me. [chuckles]
92
00:04:24,896 --> 00:04:27,862
The clitoris,
it's at the top I think,
93
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I feel a bit awkward
answering this.
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00:04:34,172 --> 00:04:36,482
Woman: It's not just
the little bit that you see,
95
00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:40,379
it's a huge, great
big elaborate creature.
96
00:04:41,793 --> 00:04:44,310
- If we knew more
about the clitoris
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00:04:44,413 --> 00:04:45,862
or talked more about it,
98
00:04:45,965 --> 00:04:47,620
like the fact that it's got
99
00:04:47,724 --> 00:04:51,310
50 times more nerve endings
than the penis,
100
00:04:51,413 --> 00:04:53,793
it's a lovely, sensitive,
101
00:04:53,896 --> 00:04:56,689
powerful piece of our anatomy
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that is really misunderstood
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00:05:00,413 --> 00:05:03,655
'cause you don't see
visual representations of it.
104
00:05:03,758 --> 00:05:06,758
- It actually is pretty much
the same size as a penis.
105
00:05:06,862 --> 00:05:09,482
There's obviously the little
bulb, the little button,
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00:05:09,586 --> 00:05:12,068
but then there are these
kind of extended parts
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00:05:12,172 --> 00:05:13,758
that go into the body
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so we don't see it,
that's made of erectile tissue
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and when aroused,
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kind of engorges and grips
the vaginal wall.
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00:05:22,034 --> 00:05:23,724
Woman: There's a fear
around the clitoris
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because most men don't know
where to find it
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and if they do, they don't know
what to do with it.
114
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- There is a lot of shame
still around about vaginas
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00:05:42,931 --> 00:05:44,275
and the slut stuff.
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"She has this messy cunt,
it bleeds,
117
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:50,275
"it isn't nice,
118
00:05:50,379 --> 00:05:52,379
"it must be kept under control
119
00:05:52,482 --> 00:05:55,000
"because also we know somewhere,
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00:05:55,103 --> 00:05:57,275
"she can have a lot of pleasure
121
00:05:57,379 --> 00:05:59,379
"and we don't want women
to have that."
122
00:05:59,482 --> 00:06:01,793
I love to wank
123
00:06:01,896 --> 00:06:03,620
and I always have
124
00:06:03,724 --> 00:06:07,137
and hopefully I always will
until my dying day.
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00:06:10,241 --> 00:06:12,793
Woman: My favourite time
for masturbating
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00:06:12,896 --> 00:06:14,310
is when I'm in the bath.
127
00:06:14,413 --> 00:06:16,172
Woman: I just have to feel
completely relaxed
128
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:18,862
and that's often just after
I've changed my bed sheets
129
00:06:18,965 --> 00:06:20,379
so it smells clean...
130
00:06:20,482 --> 00:06:22,344
Woman: I like feeling
the water all around my body
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00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,931
and so my clitoris is kind of
there for the taking.
132
00:06:25,034 --> 00:06:27,034
Woman: I prefer to masturbate
first thing in the morning
133
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when I wake up or the evening
before I go to sleep.
134
00:06:29,655 --> 00:06:33,137
Woman: Outside in the woods.
The breeze, smell the flowers.
135
00:06:33,241 --> 00:06:35,000
Woman: I like to masturbate
in my bed.
136
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,793
Woman: In my bed,
in my own space.
137
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,551
Woman: Mid afternoon,
sunshine, nice weather.
138
00:06:38,655 --> 00:06:40,758
Woman: Candles on or lights.
139
00:06:40,862 --> 00:06:42,103
Woman: Good ambience.
140
00:06:42,206 --> 00:06:43,379
Woman: Plumps itself up
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00:06:43,482 --> 00:06:45,068
and is kind of like,
"Come and play with me."
142
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,896
Woman: The perfect way
to start or finish your day,
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00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,931
sometimes twice a day.
144
00:06:53,655 --> 00:06:57,206
- I think there's a lot of shame
attached to self-pleasure,
145
00:07:01,517 --> 00:07:02,586
but actually,
146
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:04,689
if you don't understand
what you like for yourself,
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00:07:04,793 --> 00:07:06,758
how do you communicate
that to a partner?
148
00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,689
- I want to be really
frank with you
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00:07:11,793 --> 00:07:13,482
because I really feel like
even though
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I'm finding this really hard,
I'm embarrassed by it
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00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,689
and I'm worried about
who's going to see it,
152
00:07:17,793 --> 00:07:19,000
at the same time,
153
00:07:19,103 --> 00:07:21,137
I feel like those feelings
are wrong
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and that society's understanding
155
00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:28,034
of women and masturbating
is wrong.
156
00:07:30,689 --> 00:07:32,482
Woman: The average orgasm
for a woman
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is like up to 11 to 20 seconds,
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men, it's like five
or six seconds.
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00:07:50,931 --> 00:07:52,965
[thunder rumbling]
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00:07:53,068 --> 00:07:55,275
Woman: When it's on its way,
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00:07:55,379 --> 00:07:59,689
it's kind of like you can hear
the thunder in the distance
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00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:03,689
and you know it's getting closer
so it's not a surprise,
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00:08:03,793 --> 00:08:05,551
I can feel it building.
164
00:08:06,827 --> 00:08:09,034
Woman: You get this sort of,
it's almost like sparking
165
00:08:09,137 --> 00:08:13,379
and electricity
like bouncing around.
166
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Woman: All of these neurons
and synapses
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making so many
different connections
168
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:23,103
and the vulva itself is the hub.
169
00:08:23,206 --> 00:08:24,862
Well, look at the smile
as big as my face
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00:08:24,965 --> 00:08:26,482
just talking about it.
171
00:08:28,620 --> 00:08:30,586
Woman: I'm role-playing
things in my head.
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00:08:30,689 --> 00:08:34,000
Woman: My cunt goes slippery
and slidey and juicy.
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Suddenly the cells
will become on fire
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and I feel the run
down through the body
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00:08:40,965 --> 00:08:42,793
and then it always,
for me it's the toes,
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it's in the toes,
it's like this...
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00:08:44,413 --> 00:08:46,344
[makes explosion sound]
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00:08:46,448 --> 00:08:49,586
You get this
involuntary bucking, you know,
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00:08:49,689 --> 00:08:51,448
that right before
you're going to go
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00:08:51,551 --> 00:08:52,793
and it's like oh...
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Woman: Your whole body
is pulsating.
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00:08:55,413 --> 00:08:57,172
Woman: Everything's
clamping...
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00:08:57,275 --> 00:08:59,103
Woman: A lot of colour and...
184
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,793
- Often I go deaf.
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00:09:00,896 --> 00:09:03,172
[cross-talking]
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00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:07,482
Woman: It's almost
like an overload.
187
00:09:07,586 --> 00:09:08,827
It's beyond words.
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00:09:09,931 --> 00:09:12,241
[moaning]
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It's just one.
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00:09:26,724 --> 00:09:28,551
Woman: When you're like
wiping yourself
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00:09:28,655 --> 00:09:30,551
and like you can see
like the colours.
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00:09:30,655 --> 00:09:32,275
Woman: It can be painful...
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00:09:32,379 --> 00:09:34,551
[cross-talking]
194
00:09:34,655 --> 00:09:36,551
Woman: ..but it doesn't smell
disgusting.
195
00:09:36,655 --> 00:09:38,758
Woman: My whole body
starts to feel heavy
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00:09:38,862 --> 00:09:40,034
and exhausted.
197
00:09:40,137 --> 00:09:41,758
Woman: I feel
a contracting muscle...
198
00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:44,000
Woman: It feels like
a big punch in the stomach.
199
00:09:44,103 --> 00:09:45,482
Woman: Carnage. [laughs]
200
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:46,793
Woman: Different textures.
201
00:09:46,896 --> 00:09:49,379
Woman: Sometimes it's like
a light red like fresh blood
202
00:09:49,482 --> 00:09:52,000
and other times, it's a darker,
more congealed blood.
203
00:09:52,103 --> 00:09:54,344
Woman: I was always grateful
that I was getting my period,
204
00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:56,172
I was always grateful
that it was coming.
205
00:09:56,275 --> 00:09:58,034
Woman: Hate them,
absolutely dread them.
206
00:09:58,137 --> 00:10:00,206
Woman: Almost like a feeling
of being turned on...
207
00:10:00,310 --> 00:10:01,827
Woman: I don't like
the feeling of tampons.
208
00:10:01,931 --> 00:10:03,862
Woman: I'm very happy
with my moon cup.
209
00:10:03,965 --> 00:10:07,275
which I now carry with me
all the time.
210
00:10:07,379 --> 00:10:09,241
- I think the worst
thing about having your period
211
00:10:09,344 --> 00:10:11,103
is the fact that
you can smell your period.
212
00:10:11,206 --> 00:10:12,655
And you're just sitting there
like,
213
00:10:12,758 --> 00:10:14,896
"Oh, my fucking god,
I've just come on my period."
214
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,172
And the person next to me
can clearly smell my period,
215
00:10:17,275 --> 00:10:19,275
and then like a dog
sniffs you in the crotch...
216
00:10:19,379 --> 00:10:20,379
[dog barks]
217
00:10:20,482 --> 00:10:22,896
..and you're just like...
218
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,586
- I think a tampon's
quite painful
219
00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,551
'cause I can remember
everybody in school saying,
220
00:10:26,655 --> 00:10:28,137
"Oh, oh, it feels like sex."
221
00:10:28,241 --> 00:10:30,413
I'm like,
"Well, if that feels like sex,
222
00:10:30,517 --> 00:10:32,068
"I'm never having sex."
223
00:10:36,931 --> 00:10:38,172
- Free bleeding is basically
224
00:10:38,275 --> 00:10:40,655
where you just decide
to not wear a tampon
225
00:10:40,758 --> 00:10:45,241
or a sanitary towel or anything
to stop the blood.
226
00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:47,482
Having your period
is totally normal,
227
00:10:47,586 --> 00:10:49,206
like it's something
that's really expected
228
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:52,034
so why should I have
to feel so self-conscious?
229
00:10:53,172 --> 00:10:54,482
- In the Asian community
230
00:10:54,586 --> 00:10:58,827
there is a huge taboo
around periods generally.
231
00:11:00,206 --> 00:11:03,586
I remember being on a period
and going into the kitchen
232
00:11:03,689 --> 00:11:05,931
and I was told not to
233
00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:08,413
because my period
would spoil the food
234
00:11:08,517 --> 00:11:10,275
and I was really confused
235
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,310
because my period's there,
the food's there,
236
00:11:12,413 --> 00:11:14,241
don't know how
it would spoil it.
237
00:11:17,724 --> 00:11:22,724
I got my period
when I was 12 on Christmas Eve.
238
00:11:22,827 --> 00:11:25,551
I got them when I was
nine years old.
239
00:11:27,206 --> 00:11:28,517
It was really exciting.
240
00:11:28,620 --> 00:11:30,965
Ran to the top of the step,
stairs and shouted,
241
00:11:31,068 --> 00:11:32,344
"I've started."
242
00:11:32,448 --> 00:11:34,241
I think like my knickers
were still round my ankles
243
00:11:34,344 --> 00:11:36,586
and I was like,
"Mum, Mum, I'm bleeding."
244
00:11:36,689 --> 00:11:40,310
My mother said,
"Oh, oh, I'm so sorry dear."
245
00:11:40,413 --> 00:11:43,034
And it was quite
a special time in my house.
246
00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:45,586
- I was 13 when I had
my first period.
247
00:11:45,689 --> 00:11:47,724
I remember feeling devastated.
248
00:11:47,827 --> 00:11:50,586
It was like well,
now there's no hope.
249
00:11:50,689 --> 00:11:52,206
I don't get on
with my vagina
250
00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:54,896
at that time of the month,
we're not friends.
251
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,724
It gets quiet
252
00:11:56,827 --> 00:11:59,896
and then it gets angry
and then it does all the pain.
253
00:12:00,827 --> 00:12:02,827
When I'm in the middle
of my cycle,
254
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,275
so I'm assuming
when I would be ovulating,
255
00:12:06,862 --> 00:12:09,172
it's quite a different story.
256
00:12:09,275 --> 00:12:12,724
It's much more interested
in sex, penetrative sex.
257
00:12:16,758 --> 00:12:18,896
- I tend to find I have kind of
two times of the month
258
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,413
when I'm sort of
most interested.
259
00:12:22,551 --> 00:12:25,448
One is around about ovulation
which, you know,
260
00:12:25,551 --> 00:12:27,862
just biologically makes
complete sense
261
00:12:27,965 --> 00:12:29,379
'cause it's when
your body's going,
262
00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,034
"It's baby time."
263
00:12:31,137 --> 00:12:32,551
But I also have a time
264
00:12:32,655 --> 00:12:34,517
usually a couple of days
before I bleed as well
265
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:35,965
and my hubby's always
a bit surprised
266
00:12:36,068 --> 00:12:37,172
'cause he's always a bit like,
267
00:12:37,275 --> 00:12:38,896
"Aren't you about
to have your period?"
268
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,517
I'm like, "Yeah, and?"
[chuckles]
269
00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:42,517
And even just now and again,
270
00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:47,137
day three of bleeding
can be quite arousing.
271
00:12:48,827 --> 00:12:50,758
- Can you lie down
in this space?
272
00:12:53,241 --> 00:12:54,586
How do you want my legs?
273
00:12:54,689 --> 00:12:56,000
Just relax them to the side,
274
00:12:56,103 --> 00:12:58,793
just let them flop in a way
it feels comfortable.
275
00:12:58,896 --> 00:13:01,586
Looking very yoga'ey,
that's all good.
276
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:08,758
There she is.
277
00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:11,655
God, it is so pretty, isn't it?
278
00:13:13,413 --> 00:13:18,482
My vulva looks and reminds me
of a pink cupcake
279
00:13:18,586 --> 00:13:22,448
because it's very pink and plump
280
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:25,310
and where the labia
and clitoris are,
281
00:13:25,413 --> 00:13:29,344
it looks as though someone's
piped layers of pink icing.
282
00:13:30,793 --> 00:13:33,758
There's a little mole
to the left of my labia
283
00:13:33,862 --> 00:13:35,965
which reminds me
of a little chocolate chip
284
00:13:36,068 --> 00:13:38,689
that's just been popped
on the top of the cupcake.
285
00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:40,758
The penis is this knife
286
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:45,241
that is cutting into the layers
of the rose velvet.
287
00:13:50,275 --> 00:13:54,793
It's kind of slicing through,
cutting up the cake
288
00:13:54,896 --> 00:13:58,448
which means it's sort of
almost disintegrating,
289
00:13:58,551 --> 00:14:01,310
it's not in its previous
solid form
290
00:14:01,413 --> 00:14:05,241
which I think plays on
my wanting to be ruined in a way
291
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:07,000
and sort of fucked up.
292
00:14:07,103 --> 00:14:12,034
And it ends up just being
this messy mixture at the end
293
00:14:12,137 --> 00:14:16,793
which is when I'm at my most
kind of shaky, in a good way,
294
00:14:16,896 --> 00:14:20,103
vulnerable state
because I'm completely done
295
00:14:20,206 --> 00:14:24,655
and wobbling and I'm just
a mess of rose velvet.
296
00:14:29,172 --> 00:14:35,137
- At 26, I met a skinhead
who absolutely ruined me.
297
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:42,103
I had to go home the day after
and Google what just happened.
298
00:14:42,206 --> 00:14:45,931
He was the one that first
discovered that I could squirt,
299
00:14:46,034 --> 00:14:48,517
I didn't even think sex
like that was out there,
300
00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,689
I always thought I had
really good sex.
301
00:14:52,068 --> 00:14:54,827
A clitoral orgasm is different
from a penetrative orgasm
302
00:14:54,931 --> 00:14:56,172
is different from a squirt.
303
00:14:56,275 --> 00:14:57,586
[moaning]
304
00:14:57,689 --> 00:15:00,241
There was no going back
from that moment,
305
00:15:01,206 --> 00:15:03,517
then it was always
wanting to chase
306
00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:06,689
that kind of sex and the squirt.
307
00:15:08,448 --> 00:15:10,103
- The privilege of being allowed
308
00:15:10,206 --> 00:15:14,724
in or near someone's vagina,
it's...
309
00:15:15,862 --> 00:15:17,137
She needs to be vulnerable,
310
00:15:17,241 --> 00:15:18,965
she needs to be accepting
of the situation,
311
00:15:19,068 --> 00:15:20,310
but it's so intimate
312
00:15:20,413 --> 00:15:21,965
but it's more intimate
than anything else
313
00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:24,724
because you're going
inside somebody,
314
00:15:24,827 --> 00:15:28,172
Penetrative sex is...
That's an enormous deal,
315
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:30,241
that's not a small thing.
316
00:15:31,448 --> 00:15:33,896
But we live in a society
that doesn't think that way,
317
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,068
we live in a society
318
00:15:35,172 --> 00:15:39,172
that treats women entirely
like a cock pocket.
319
00:15:42,034 --> 00:15:45,137
OK, that's that done,
thank you very much.
320
00:15:45,241 --> 00:15:48,206
Yeah, if you could get into
a really relaxed position there.
321
00:15:53,241 --> 00:15:54,896
Brilliant, OK, cool.
322
00:16:00,517 --> 00:16:01,758
Wow.
323
00:16:02,931 --> 00:16:05,413
It's different to looking
in a mirror, isn't it?
324
00:16:05,517 --> 00:16:08,000
It is very different
from looking in the mirror.
325
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:12,000
You can tell it picks up
the scars far more easily.
326
00:16:13,862 --> 00:16:15,275
How do you feel about it?
327
00:16:15,379 --> 00:16:17,241
OK, it's not perfect,
328
00:16:18,862 --> 00:16:22,413
doesn't need to be, you know.
329
00:16:22,517 --> 00:16:24,965
I still really like it,
it does me,
330
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:26,965
it does what I need it to do.
331
00:16:30,103 --> 00:16:32,931
I grew up in
a pretty rough town,
332
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,551
you know, a lot
of violence going on
333
00:16:35,655 --> 00:16:37,275
and a lot of macho culture
going on,
334
00:16:37,379 --> 00:16:38,620
so at eight years old,
335
00:16:38,724 --> 00:16:39,931
I came to the realisation
336
00:16:40,034 --> 00:16:42,068
that while I was a boy,
337
00:16:42,172 --> 00:16:44,068
I should have been born a girl.
338
00:16:49,068 --> 00:16:53,103
My penis itself felt like,
very much like a foreign body,
339
00:16:53,206 --> 00:16:59,000
it was an alien object that was
attached to me for some reason.
340
00:17:02,103 --> 00:17:05,862
My vagina is just as sensitive
as the penis before it.
341
00:17:06,862 --> 00:17:08,689
My clitoris is made up
of essentially
342
00:17:08,793 --> 00:17:10,689
a section of the head
of the penis
343
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:15,517
and, um yeah, it's awesome,
the sex is incredible.
344
00:17:18,586 --> 00:17:20,689
- My generation are realising
345
00:17:20,793 --> 00:17:23,034
that having a vagina
or having a penis
346
00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:25,379
doesn't necessarily
define your gender
347
00:17:25,482 --> 00:17:27,931
and it's much more about,
you know,
348
00:17:28,034 --> 00:17:29,689
how you identify
and how you feel
349
00:17:29,793 --> 00:17:31,310
and it's much more
personal choice.
350
00:17:34,448 --> 00:17:37,448
Like the label 'virgin'
I don't like.
351
00:17:38,689 --> 00:17:41,000
It's just you have had it
or you haven't had it.
352
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,413
- I told my mum,
353
00:17:43,517 --> 00:17:46,137
I actually sent her a text,
it literally just said,
354
00:17:46,241 --> 00:17:49,000
"So Mum, I've got something
to tell you,
355
00:17:49,103 --> 00:17:50,965
"promise not to be mad,
356
00:17:51,068 --> 00:17:53,551
"but I just lost my virginity."
357
00:17:55,034 --> 00:17:58,724
And she took ages to respond
and she was like,
358
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:03,413
"I'm crying and I feel
very emotionally overwhelmed,
359
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:08,000
"but I'm glad that you feel
that you trust me enough
360
00:18:08,103 --> 00:18:12,448
"and can be open enough with me
to share that experience."
361
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:17,793
- I was 15,
I was with my boyfriend
362
00:18:17,896 --> 00:18:20,931
and it was in his single bed.
363
00:18:21,034 --> 00:18:22,862
He's got like a cartoon duvet.
364
00:18:23,827 --> 00:18:26,068
And it was over
within about 30 seconds,
365
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:27,655
it was a few pumps and done
366
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,137
because it was
his first time too
367
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:31,068
and he was probably
super nervous
368
00:18:31,172 --> 00:18:34,896
and then we had sex
six more times on that sleepover
369
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,310
'cause I was like,
"We've got to get good at this."
370
00:18:40,689 --> 00:18:43,413
- I'm 19, I'm still a virgin.
371
00:18:43,517 --> 00:18:45,551
My friends are quite mixed,
372
00:18:45,655 --> 00:18:47,862
a lot of them
still are virgins.
373
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:50,551
I don't have a wish list,
374
00:18:51,379 --> 00:18:52,482
I don't want to set
375
00:18:52,586 --> 00:18:54,517
my expectations of anything
too high
376
00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:57,758
and I just think,
if it happens, it happens.
377
00:18:58,793 --> 00:19:01,517
I think the young men
I slept with,
378
00:19:01,620 --> 00:19:02,965
or had done anything with,
379
00:19:03,068 --> 00:19:05,275
had basically just an idea
380
00:19:05,379 --> 00:19:09,620
that there was one type of vulva
and one sort of uniform look
381
00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:13,482
as to how women look down there
382
00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:18,275
and I think they had
a slightly warped idea
383
00:19:18,379 --> 00:19:22,620
of how they're meant
to be, like, treated.
384
00:19:23,724 --> 00:19:25,586
Obviously in a lot of sex,
385
00:19:25,689 --> 00:19:31,413
that you see in porn,
it's very hard, very intense,
386
00:19:31,517 --> 00:19:34,482
and especially when
you're a young teenager
387
00:19:34,586 --> 00:19:36,862
and you're having your
first experiences with sex,
388
00:19:36,965 --> 00:19:38,896
some people might not want to
389
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,896
go like hard and fast
the first few times,
390
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,068
especially when you're like,
"What is this?"
391
00:19:52,551 --> 00:19:54,689
You don't really get taught
about the mechanics of sex,
392
00:19:54,793 --> 00:19:57,482
you just get taught about,
you know, how a child is made
393
00:19:57,586 --> 00:20:01,482
through sex rather than
any sort of care or compassion
394
00:20:01,586 --> 00:20:04,827
or respect for each other.
395
00:20:04,931 --> 00:20:09,241
So I think that yeah,
through watching porn like that,
396
00:20:09,344 --> 00:20:11,344
I think a lot of
previous partners
397
00:20:11,448 --> 00:20:13,241
didn't really understand
398
00:20:13,344 --> 00:20:15,517
that it was very much
a two way street
399
00:20:15,620 --> 00:20:17,655
and the myth
of the female orgasm
400
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:20,310
wasn't even a consideration.
401
00:20:22,275 --> 00:20:24,103
- Porn is an enormous thing,
402
00:20:24,206 --> 00:20:25,482
there's amazing, beautiful,
403
00:20:25,586 --> 00:20:27,551
artistic queer porn
that's happening
404
00:20:27,655 --> 00:20:31,241
and then there's stuff
which is clearly really abusive
405
00:20:31,344 --> 00:20:34,310
and driving rape culture.
406
00:20:34,413 --> 00:20:37,000
[moaning]
407
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:39,724
The way in which you supposedly
make a woman come in porn
408
00:20:39,827 --> 00:20:41,482
is definitely not,
409
00:20:41,586 --> 00:20:44,000
well maybe some women,
but not for me anyway.
410
00:20:45,275 --> 00:20:47,724
- The women have been
so degraded
411
00:20:47,827 --> 00:20:49,931
that it completely puts me off.
412
00:20:50,034 --> 00:20:52,034
Black women are pictured
as animals
413
00:20:52,137 --> 00:20:55,413
and it's quite degrading
in quite a racist way.
414
00:20:56,758 --> 00:20:58,724
Porn is very distorted
415
00:20:58,827 --> 00:21:02,068
and it's reinforcing the idea
that your body as a woman
416
00:21:02,172 --> 00:21:04,000
is not enough
the way that it is,
417
00:21:04,103 --> 00:21:05,758
that it needs to be changed.
418
00:21:05,862 --> 00:21:08,689
It made me feel like my vulva
wasn't normal
419
00:21:08,793 --> 00:21:12,620
in its shape
and in the pubic hairs
420
00:21:12,724 --> 00:21:15,068
and how...
Like I grew so much,
421
00:21:15,172 --> 00:21:16,724
like it was abnormal for me.
422
00:21:16,827 --> 00:21:18,068
[moaning]
423
00:21:18,172 --> 00:21:22,137
- I find it difficult to feel
truly satisfied watching porn
424
00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:24,551
because I don't know
the circumstances
425
00:21:24,655 --> 00:21:26,862
and I want to check everyone,
particularly the women,
426
00:21:26,965 --> 00:21:28,586
I want to check that she's OK.
427
00:21:30,827 --> 00:21:34,310
I do get off on watching
a couple having sex
428
00:21:34,413 --> 00:21:37,448
and then having sex with someone
myself at the same time.
429
00:21:37,551 --> 00:21:39,206
There's something
quite animalistic
430
00:21:39,310 --> 00:21:42,344
about not making eye contact
with each other,
431
00:21:42,448 --> 00:21:44,068
but just watching these two
432
00:21:44,172 --> 00:21:45,862
other essentially
animals fucking.
433
00:21:47,206 --> 00:21:49,620
[moaning]
434
00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:03,172
Narrator: I'm photographing
100 women's vulvas,
435
00:22:03,275 --> 00:22:04,551
including my own,
436
00:22:04,655 --> 00:22:06,586
to help us see our bodies
in a new way.
437
00:22:09,034 --> 00:22:10,379
When I started this project
438
00:22:10,482 --> 00:22:12,655
I wasn't prepared for the amount
of pain and trauma
439
00:22:12,758 --> 00:22:14,103
I'd hear about.
440
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:22,689
- I was raised in an evangelical
Christian household,
441
00:22:22,793 --> 00:22:25,310
I just knew sex before marriage
was wrong
442
00:22:25,413 --> 00:22:27,275
and I was taught that
443
00:22:27,379 --> 00:22:29,586
if you want to be free from sin,
444
00:22:29,689 --> 00:22:31,689
you don't even like open
the door,
445
00:22:31,793 --> 00:22:33,172
you don't put a toe in.
446
00:22:35,413 --> 00:22:38,896
- In Islam, the vagina
isn't really talked about.
447
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,344
There is still that stigma
of like dirty vagina
448
00:22:41,448 --> 00:22:44,068
and that women should really
keep their legs closed.
449
00:22:46,965 --> 00:22:50,034
- Growing up, I was completely
scared of my vagina
450
00:22:50,137 --> 00:22:53,793
when I thought about it
which was rare.
451
00:22:53,896 --> 00:23:00,482
It was a hugely scary portal
to trouble.
452
00:23:01,862 --> 00:23:03,965
- I went to an Islamic
boarding school,
453
00:23:04,068 --> 00:23:07,000
we had to wear the whole abaya,
454
00:23:07,103 --> 00:23:10,724
niqab, like everything,
hijab, 24-7.
455
00:23:10,827 --> 00:23:13,103
Can't even have books
from the outside world,
456
00:23:13,206 --> 00:23:15,137
there's no phones,
no TV, no music.
457
00:23:16,241 --> 00:23:17,586
I was singing a song,
458
00:23:17,689 --> 00:23:19,172
a random song by Beyonce,
459
00:23:19,275 --> 00:23:21,172
a roommate casually
came up to me and said,
460
00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:22,793
"You're going to hell for that."
461
00:23:23,793 --> 00:23:25,206
My first kind of big crush
462
00:23:25,310 --> 00:23:27,482
was Ron Weasley
from Harry Potter,
463
00:23:27,586 --> 00:23:29,103
guilty as charged.
464
00:23:29,206 --> 00:23:31,482
And I remember having
a poster up of him
465
00:23:31,586 --> 00:23:34,724
When I was about 12
and I felt it was so wrong,
466
00:23:34,827 --> 00:23:38,275
I took it down because
I felt it was sinful.
467
00:23:38,379 --> 00:23:40,896
I didn't know what I was
shutting myself off from,
468
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,448
but that door was firmly shut.
469
00:23:44,586 --> 00:23:48,172
There are some thoughts
and some papers
470
00:23:48,275 --> 00:23:51,241
suggesting that
a religious upbringing
471
00:23:51,344 --> 00:23:54,241
can have an effect
on vulvar health,
472
00:23:54,344 --> 00:23:56,206
particularly the pelvic floor,
473
00:23:56,310 --> 00:23:58,241
and, and like vaginismus
474
00:23:58,344 --> 00:24:00,241
and like the pelvic floor
just clenching up,
475
00:24:00,344 --> 00:24:05,379
as kind of like a psychogenic
response to that shame.
476
00:24:05,482 --> 00:24:07,413
That it's literally
like your muscles go,
477
00:24:07,517 --> 00:24:11,206
"Right, OK then, no thank you
very much, not for us."
478
00:24:11,310 --> 00:24:13,586
And sometimes women find that
479
00:24:13,689 --> 00:24:16,034
when they try and strip
those barriers down,
480
00:24:16,137 --> 00:24:18,137
the muscles do not
get the message
481
00:24:18,241 --> 00:24:21,137
and I think that was definitely
the case for me.
482
00:24:21,241 --> 00:24:23,655
My longest relationship
was about two years
483
00:24:23,758 --> 00:24:28,103
and we never had
penetrative sex.
484
00:24:28,206 --> 00:24:32,448
We tried once or twice
but it just wasn't happening.
485
00:24:32,551 --> 00:24:35,724
There was no way and it was also
extremely distressing as well,
486
00:24:35,827 --> 00:24:37,655
so I couldn't keep trying
487
00:24:37,758 --> 00:24:42,172
because it was such
a horrible experience.
488
00:24:45,965 --> 00:24:48,000
But things are better now.
489
00:24:49,275 --> 00:24:50,448
Err...
490
00:24:53,241 --> 00:24:54,413
Sorry.
491
00:24:57,793 --> 00:24:58,827
Honestly I think I try
492
00:24:58,931 --> 00:25:00,620
not to think about
that time very much
493
00:25:00,724 --> 00:25:03,241
because I'm feeling
so much more positive now
494
00:25:03,344 --> 00:25:08,103
than I was now that that
avenue has opened up to me.
495
00:25:08,206 --> 00:25:12,068
But I really felt like my
quality of life was done for,
496
00:25:12,172 --> 00:25:14,068
really done for
497
00:25:14,172 --> 00:25:15,862
and that I wouldn't be loved,
498
00:25:15,965 --> 00:25:18,068
I wouldn't be able
to be in a relationship,
499
00:25:18,172 --> 00:25:21,758
and that I wouldn't be able
to be accepted.
500
00:25:24,896 --> 00:25:26,793
Yeah, it was dire.
501
00:25:30,241 --> 00:25:32,275
There were moments where
502
00:25:32,379 --> 00:25:34,586
I didn't know what
I was going to live for
503
00:25:34,689 --> 00:25:36,344
and whether I wanted to.
504
00:25:45,827 --> 00:25:47,862
- My nickname is
The Vagina Woman
505
00:25:47,965 --> 00:25:50,034
because I talk about vagina
every single day.
506
00:25:51,344 --> 00:25:54,551
As a sexual health nurse,
I talk about vaginas,
507
00:25:54,655 --> 00:25:56,827
it's like I'm talking about
cup of tea.
508
00:25:58,448 --> 00:25:59,896
We talk about masturbations,
509
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,724
we talk about oral sex,
we talk about anal sex,
510
00:26:02,827 --> 00:26:04,655
we talk about fisting,
we talk about...
511
00:26:04,758 --> 00:26:07,655
You name it, every single
thing that can go on
512
00:26:07,758 --> 00:26:10,586
in a sexual health clinic,
we talk about it.
513
00:26:20,206 --> 00:26:22,000
So the morning I had FGM,
514
00:26:22,103 --> 00:26:23,758
it was like Christmas for me,
515
00:26:23,862 --> 00:26:27,724
imagine being seven years old
and having a massive party
516
00:26:27,827 --> 00:26:30,344
and where you know
there's a woman coming in
517
00:26:30,448 --> 00:26:31,896
to do your henna,
518
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,172
there's another woman there
to do your hair.
519
00:26:34,275 --> 00:26:35,689
It was amazing
520
00:26:35,793 --> 00:26:38,344
and that's the first time
I actually got a watch,
521
00:26:38,448 --> 00:26:40,034
so every time
I look at the watch,
522
00:26:40,137 --> 00:26:41,620
I do remember those days.
523
00:26:43,068 --> 00:26:44,517
I felt the needle going in,
524
00:26:44,620 --> 00:26:48,103
after that, everything
just went quiet.
525
00:26:50,310 --> 00:26:52,241
And she looked at me
and said to me,
526
00:26:52,344 --> 00:26:54,000
"Now you are a woman."
527
00:26:54,827 --> 00:26:56,103
Once she left
528
00:26:56,206 --> 00:26:58,758
and the local anaesthetic
was coming out of my system,
529
00:26:58,862 --> 00:27:03,103
I was burning and I remember
screaming and just crying.
530
00:27:06,758 --> 00:27:08,068
We were very lucky
531
00:27:08,172 --> 00:27:11,689
because we had money
to afford local anaesthetic.
532
00:27:11,793 --> 00:27:13,068
There are girls being cut
533
00:27:13,172 --> 00:27:16,551
without any
medical assistance at all.
534
00:27:16,655 --> 00:27:21,310
My clitoris was removed
and labia minora, labia majora
535
00:27:21,413 --> 00:27:24,344
and they stitched it
all the way down
536
00:27:24,448 --> 00:27:26,310
until they left me a little hole
537
00:27:26,413 --> 00:27:28,448
that is no bigger
than a matchstick.
538
00:27:30,310 --> 00:27:32,068
Producer: And you would
only always have
539
00:27:32,172 --> 00:27:35,172
one little hole to urinate
and menstruate through?
540
00:27:35,275 --> 00:27:36,275
Yeah.
541
00:27:39,862 --> 00:27:42,000
I was in hospital because of FGM
542
00:27:42,103 --> 00:27:44,965
from the age of 11
till I was 17 years old.
543
00:27:45,896 --> 00:27:47,965
My period
was accumulating inside
544
00:27:48,068 --> 00:27:49,689
and it wasn't coming out.
545
00:27:50,517 --> 00:27:52,068
FGM took away my childhood.
546
00:27:53,758 --> 00:27:57,034
I was never that girl that was
playing outside with her friends
547
00:27:57,137 --> 00:27:59,793
or going to go to the cinema
with her friends
548
00:27:59,896 --> 00:28:01,655
'cause I was always in hospital.
549
00:28:03,344 --> 00:28:05,551
And it took away my chance
to be a mother.
550
00:28:05,655 --> 00:28:07,931
Now I would never know
what is it like
551
00:28:08,034 --> 00:28:09,793
to carry your own child.
552
00:28:13,137 --> 00:28:14,517
All of that was taken away
553
00:28:14,620 --> 00:28:17,793
to prove to my future husband
that I'm a virgin.
554
00:28:25,931 --> 00:28:29,068
We know there's a lot of excuses
of why FGM happens,
555
00:28:29,172 --> 00:28:32,241
but really FGM happens
to control a women's sexuality.
556
00:28:32,344 --> 00:28:35,068
They think cutting a woman's
clitoris and stitching her up
557
00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:37,379
will stop her sleeping around.
558
00:28:38,413 --> 00:28:39,965
Growing up to hear that,
559
00:28:40,068 --> 00:28:42,758
we didn't even thought
about pleasure.
560
00:28:42,862 --> 00:28:44,448
But what was surprising for me
561
00:28:44,551 --> 00:28:46,620
was even though the clitoris
has been cut,
562
00:28:46,724 --> 00:28:50,206
the rest of the clitoris
is actually inside,
563
00:28:50,310 --> 00:28:53,206
women don't realise that
actually the clitoris is inside,
564
00:28:53,310 --> 00:28:55,965
there's, the nerve
is all around our vagina.
565
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,068
So we just need to know
what works for us.
566
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,344
As a woman who had FGM,
567
00:29:01,448 --> 00:29:03,689
do I have a really nice
sex life?
568
00:29:03,793 --> 00:29:05,103
Yes, I do.
569
00:29:05,206 --> 00:29:06,620
Do I have orgasm?
570
00:29:07,448 --> 00:29:08,862
Yes, I do.
571
00:29:17,344 --> 00:29:20,137
I've got clients
that enjoy the smell.
572
00:29:21,103 --> 00:29:22,517
They will be like,
573
00:29:22,620 --> 00:29:24,689
"Make sure you've worn
your knickers all day."
574
00:29:26,896 --> 00:29:29,000
My cunt's a bit fishy.
575
00:29:29,103 --> 00:29:31,344
I'm going for it,
crushed strawberries and cream.
576
00:29:32,413 --> 00:29:34,172
That's what
my vagina smells like.
577
00:29:34,275 --> 00:29:36,379
Apparently my vagina
smells different
578
00:29:36,482 --> 00:29:38,103
before I'm about
to get my period.
579
00:29:38,206 --> 00:29:41,000
Woman: If I have a lot
of sugar, a lot of dairy.
580
00:29:41,103 --> 00:29:42,724
Woman: Slight smell
of [inaudible].
581
00:29:42,827 --> 00:29:44,689
Woman: That changes
the smell of my vagina.
582
00:29:44,793 --> 00:29:46,275
- There's a really big taboo
583
00:29:46,379 --> 00:29:48,241
around the word discharge.
People think,
584
00:29:48,344 --> 00:29:49,551
"Oh, that's disgusting",
585
00:29:49,655 --> 00:29:51,379
or, "Oh, I don't get
any discharge."
586
00:29:51,482 --> 00:29:53,310
You do, we all do.
587
00:29:53,413 --> 00:29:55,068
Like it's nothing to be
embarrassed about.
588
00:29:55,172 --> 00:29:57,344
It changes throughout your life
and your cycle
589
00:29:57,448 --> 00:30:01,068
and yes, I have discharge
and my vulva looks moist.
590
00:30:01,172 --> 00:30:03,620
I...so I still struggle
591
00:30:03,724 --> 00:30:05,241
with the kind of more corporeal
aspects of,
592
00:30:05,344 --> 00:30:06,655
of that kind of thing,
593
00:30:06,758 --> 00:30:10,551
I just feel like
it's the same
594
00:30:10,655 --> 00:30:13,103
with the hair and stuff,
like vaginas have a smell,
595
00:30:13,206 --> 00:30:15,103
vaginas have hair,
it's a thing,
596
00:30:15,206 --> 00:30:18,172
like that's something
that I'm still working on.
597
00:30:27,620 --> 00:30:30,379
- I was born in Ireland in 1975,
598
00:30:30,482 --> 00:30:31,827
so when I was growing up
599
00:30:31,931 --> 00:30:35,965
a lot of things around people,
600
00:30:36,068 --> 00:30:38,448
but particularly women,
were silenced.
601
00:30:38,551 --> 00:30:39,965
You were just left
with this kind of feeling
602
00:30:40,068 --> 00:30:42,827
of shame and misunderstanding.
603
00:30:47,655 --> 00:30:51,137
- My parents are really liberal,
open people,
604
00:30:51,241 --> 00:30:52,517
they grew up in Brighton
605
00:30:52,620 --> 00:30:56,551
like in the '60s and '70s,
like they're cool people,
606
00:30:56,655 --> 00:31:01,241
they always talked
about how sex
607
00:31:01,344 --> 00:31:04,586
was a really important
thing between two people,
608
00:31:04,689 --> 00:31:07,551
not that it had to be
with one person forever,
609
00:31:07,655 --> 00:31:09,379
but just that the person
610
00:31:09,482 --> 00:31:10,793
you were having sex with
had to...
611
00:31:10,896 --> 00:31:12,586
..they had to mean something
to you
612
00:31:12,689 --> 00:31:14,241
and you had to have feelings
for them.
613
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,482
- So at about like seven,
I was very, very switched on,
614
00:31:33,586 --> 00:31:36,758
I knew what I wanted to do,
I saved,
615
00:31:36,862 --> 00:31:40,448
I worked to make sure
that my life was ordered
616
00:31:40,551 --> 00:31:43,172
and then my world
was turned upside down
617
00:31:43,275 --> 00:31:45,482
in a very unpleasant way
618
00:31:45,586 --> 00:31:48,413
because I was raped
by someone I really trusted
619
00:31:48,517 --> 00:31:52,172
and that caused
a huge amount of chaos and upset
620
00:31:52,275 --> 00:31:56,655
which at that age I really
didn't know how to deal with.
621
00:31:56,758 --> 00:31:58,241
And not being able
to talk about it
622
00:31:58,344 --> 00:32:00,896
meant no one else could help me
deal with it either,
623
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:03,103
so you were just kind of
left with that
624
00:32:03,206 --> 00:32:04,586
not knowing what it is
625
00:32:04,689 --> 00:32:07,068
and not really understanding
what's just happened.
626
00:32:19,206 --> 00:32:21,896
So when I was 19
I was on holiday,
627
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:26,827
and I was raped
by the manager of the hotel
628
00:32:26,931 --> 00:32:28,172
that I was staying in.
629
00:32:31,793 --> 00:32:33,241
And then I came back
from the holiday
630
00:32:33,344 --> 00:32:35,827
and I just sort of
brushed it under the carpet
631
00:32:35,931 --> 00:32:38,172
as a, "OK, well that probably
wasn't a very good thing,
632
00:32:38,275 --> 00:32:39,862
"but just didn't think
about it."
633
00:32:39,965 --> 00:32:43,000
And then as the years went by
634
00:32:43,103 --> 00:32:45,965
it just...it...
I just started to realise
635
00:32:46,068 --> 00:32:48,275
that it was really affecting me
in so many ways,
636
00:32:48,379 --> 00:32:52,034
my confidence levels
just plummeted.
637
00:32:52,137 --> 00:32:56,000
When somebody's violated you
in that way
638
00:32:56,103 --> 00:32:59,206
and just taken from you
in that way,
639
00:32:59,310 --> 00:33:04,586
your self-worth
is like I'm nothing.
640
00:33:04,689 --> 00:33:07,310
It can make you
not want to be alive
641
00:33:07,413 --> 00:33:11,793
and that's how I felt for a long
time, just like well,
642
00:33:11,896 --> 00:33:16,000
"If I died it wouldn't make
any difference."
643
00:33:17,551 --> 00:33:20,379
I went from being
a super confident,
644
00:33:20,482 --> 00:33:23,827
really happy young woman
wearing low cut tops,
645
00:33:23,931 --> 00:33:25,310
loved my boobs,
646
00:33:25,413 --> 00:33:26,862
I thought they were
the best thing ever
647
00:33:26,965 --> 00:33:31,068
to suddenly hating
648
00:33:31,172 --> 00:33:34,103
anything that was sexual
about my body.
649
00:33:34,206 --> 00:33:37,310
In all of the warnings
that were given as girls
650
00:33:37,413 --> 00:33:40,448
by our mothers and fathers,
651
00:33:40,551 --> 00:33:44,379
it's almost like you could
expect something like this
652
00:33:44,482 --> 00:33:45,793
is going to happen
653
00:33:45,896 --> 00:33:47,517
and because you've been told
about it,
654
00:33:47,620 --> 00:33:50,206
it is almost like well,
then it is your fault.
655
00:33:50,310 --> 00:33:51,586
If I'd done something
differently,
656
00:33:51,689 --> 00:33:52,793
if I'd not drunk,
657
00:33:52,896 --> 00:33:55,620
if I'd not said something
or done something
658
00:33:55,724 --> 00:33:56,655
or been in a certain place
659
00:33:56,758 --> 00:33:58,275
would it have turned out
differently?
660
00:33:58,379 --> 00:34:00,862
Those questions that go round
and round in your head
661
00:34:00,965 --> 00:34:03,620
are the...they're
the questions that ruin you.
662
00:34:05,172 --> 00:34:07,103
- You know,
what happens at such a young age
663
00:34:07,206 --> 00:34:09,586
becomes such a part of you
664
00:34:09,689 --> 00:34:13,517
that you sort of don't know who
you might have been without it.
665
00:34:13,620 --> 00:34:15,965
I just wish I could be normal,
666
00:34:16,068 --> 00:34:17,310
I just wish I knew
what it was like
667
00:34:17,413 --> 00:34:21,724
to just be able to enjoy sex
668
00:34:21,827 --> 00:34:23,379
and even just silly things,
669
00:34:23,482 --> 00:34:25,965
like I don't really like
watching films or TV programmes
670
00:34:26,068 --> 00:34:29,862
'cause so many of them
have sexual assaults in them,
671
00:34:29,965 --> 00:34:31,034
like everyone keeps saying,
672
00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:32,482
"Oh, have you watched
'The Handmaid's Tale'?"
673
00:34:32,586 --> 00:34:35,137
and I'm like I can't,
I can't, I can't watch it.
674
00:34:35,241 --> 00:34:41,172
Understanding
how that feeling of violation
675
00:34:42,172 --> 00:34:43,896
must be turned around
676
00:34:45,034 --> 00:34:51,793
became something
that energised me to learn,
677
00:34:51,896 --> 00:34:57,724
to understand you can't fix it,
but you can kind of resolve it.
678
00:35:01,379 --> 00:35:05,551
I'm currently in a relationship
and the sex is great,
679
00:35:05,655 --> 00:35:07,758
I feel completely differently
about it,
680
00:35:07,862 --> 00:35:10,379
which is...oh,
just such a relief,
681
00:35:10,482 --> 00:35:12,068
I just think it's so...
682
00:35:12,172 --> 00:35:15,551
I really was worried
that this was me forever,
683
00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:17,551
I was just
never going to enjoy sex
684
00:35:17,655 --> 00:35:20,206
and I am at the moment
685
00:35:20,310 --> 00:35:23,448
and I can't begin to describe
how fantastic that is,
686
00:35:23,551 --> 00:35:27,068
I feel like I'm normal again
and that's really nice.
687
00:35:28,758 --> 00:35:30,000
I promised myself
688
00:35:30,103 --> 00:35:36,793
that I wouldn't let the people
who raped me
689
00:35:36,896 --> 00:35:40,241
take my present and my future.
690
00:36:10,965 --> 00:36:12,896
- Like every orgasm
is different,
691
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:14,068
every birth is different.
692
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:15,379
- I went in at the last minute
693
00:36:15,482 --> 00:36:17,620
'cause I didn't want, you know,
too much interference.
694
00:36:17,724 --> 00:36:18,965
Every vulva's is different,
695
00:36:19,068 --> 00:36:20,620
every baby that emerges
is different.
696
00:36:20,724 --> 00:36:21,931
- You have to sort of
concentrate and focus
697
00:36:22,034 --> 00:36:23,965
and nothing else
seems to matter.
698
00:36:24,068 --> 00:36:25,379
- And I just did
what I was told.
699
00:36:25,482 --> 00:36:26,586
- And I was just throwing up
all the time,
700
00:36:26,689 --> 00:36:28,931
like, the whole birth
I was just pooed and threw up
701
00:36:29,034 --> 00:36:29,931
and pooed and threw up.
702
00:36:30,034 --> 00:36:31,344
- You just carry on, don't you?
703
00:36:31,448 --> 00:36:34,448
- The first time
was really hard,
704
00:36:34,551 --> 00:36:37,000
and I tore
and I had stitches.
705
00:36:37,103 --> 00:36:38,068
- I had a third-degree tear,
706
00:36:38,172 --> 00:36:41,172
I also had ventouse and forceps,
so I had quite a lot done.
707
00:36:41,275 --> 00:36:43,724
- I had an episiotomy
and forceps
708
00:36:43,827 --> 00:36:46,103
and it was absolutely
horrendous.
709
00:36:46,206 --> 00:36:50,551
- The tear went through the
muscle tissue around my anus.
710
00:36:50,655 --> 00:36:53,000
- And I feel angry that,
that happened.
711
00:36:53,103 --> 00:36:55,241
- It took me probably 15 years
712
00:36:55,344 --> 00:36:57,103
to get over
having Caesarean sections.
713
00:36:57,206 --> 00:36:59,758
- When I was sewn up
I was sewn up incorrectly,
714
00:36:59,862 --> 00:37:01,241
- I didn't feel
like a proper mother.
715
00:37:01,344 --> 00:37:04,413
I couldn't even manage
to give birth to my children.
716
00:37:04,517 --> 00:37:05,413
- After he stitched me up
717
00:37:05,517 --> 00:37:07,482
I didn't feel the same
as before.
718
00:37:07,586 --> 00:37:11,413
And I've never been able
to exactly pee straight down
719
00:37:11,517 --> 00:37:14,275
because my cunt
has been made wonky.
720
00:37:14,379 --> 00:37:17,241
I was really sore
for a couple of weeks,
721
00:37:17,344 --> 00:37:18,620
but you kind of don't care
722
00:37:18,724 --> 00:37:21,103
because you've got this
little snuffly bundle
723
00:37:21,206 --> 00:37:23,758
that's just, you know,
really gorgeous.
724
00:37:24,862 --> 00:37:29,344
You know, birthing can be such
an amazing thing
725
00:37:29,448 --> 00:37:30,827
within a world
that tries its best
726
00:37:30,931 --> 00:37:34,827
to tell us it's the hardest and
the worst thing in the world.
727
00:37:34,931 --> 00:37:36,827
- After the horror
of childbirth,
728
00:37:36,931 --> 00:37:39,379
breastfeeding was a doddle.
729
00:37:39,482 --> 00:37:41,655
- You breastfeed, it makes
your womb contract harder.
730
00:37:41,758 --> 00:37:45,413
- Sucking, you could feel
the contraction in your uterus
731
00:37:45,517 --> 00:37:47,000
and of course in your cunt.
732
00:37:47,103 --> 00:37:48,931
- And then you realise
that you're gushing down below
733
00:37:49,034 --> 00:37:51,862
and you're like,
"Is this OK, is this normal?"
734
00:37:51,965 --> 00:37:53,103
I'd have been really grateful
735
00:37:53,206 --> 00:37:54,931
if I'd known
that was going to happen.
736
00:38:11,137 --> 00:38:13,482
- I think when I was first told
737
00:38:13,586 --> 00:38:16,206
that it was really unlikely
738
00:38:16,310 --> 00:38:19,724
that I would ever be able
to conceive,
739
00:38:20,517 --> 00:38:24,103
that massively made me question
740
00:38:24,206 --> 00:38:27,689
my entire identity as a woman,
741
00:38:27,793 --> 00:38:31,620
what did womanhood even mean
if you couldn't have kids?
742
00:38:32,896 --> 00:38:35,551
We are socialised
from a very young age
743
00:38:35,655 --> 00:38:40,413
to believe that
we are entitled to a family,
744
00:38:40,517 --> 00:38:42,241
we're entitled to that...
745
00:38:42,344 --> 00:38:47,758
that biological right
or capacity to conceive.
746
00:38:47,862 --> 00:38:51,000
You have to find new ways
to explore womanhood.
747
00:38:55,482 --> 00:38:59,068
- I'd wanted a child for
a long time with my partner
748
00:38:59,172 --> 00:39:03,103
and was told that
it wasn't going to be possible
749
00:39:03,206 --> 00:39:06,034
but then it was possible
750
00:39:06,137 --> 00:39:09,620
and got to the stage of seeing
the child's heartbeat.
751
00:39:09,724 --> 00:39:13,034
And then I was staying
with a friend
752
00:39:13,137 --> 00:39:17,689
and realised
I was having a miscarriage,
753
00:39:17,793 --> 00:39:23,724
so I went into the hospital
and I went to the toilet to pee
754
00:39:23,827 --> 00:39:26,413
and then the whole miscarriage
just came out.
755
00:39:26,517 --> 00:39:29,206
And I remember
looking in the loo
756
00:39:29,310 --> 00:39:32,827
and thinking,
"That's my baby in the loo,"
757
00:39:33,827 --> 00:39:35,965
so I put my hand down
758
00:39:36,068 --> 00:39:40,000
to pick her up
and just held her.
759
00:39:43,620 --> 00:39:50,448
And it was like a massive piece
of liver, dark, warm, bloody.
760
00:39:53,137 --> 00:39:54,655
There is a loss there,
761
00:39:54,758 --> 00:39:57,482
but it's taken me
to this age of 52
762
00:39:57,586 --> 00:40:01,413
to be able to say
it's not the end of the world.
763
00:40:10,551 --> 00:40:13,137
- I'd been bleeding for
a few weeks in between periods
764
00:40:13,241 --> 00:40:16,793
and a lot after sex
with my boyfriend at the time
765
00:40:16,896 --> 00:40:19,620
and he said, "Is it because
my dick's too big?"
766
00:40:21,137 --> 00:40:25,482
So when the doctor said,
"You've got cervical cancer,"
767
00:40:25,586 --> 00:40:28,517
it felt like a ton
of paving slabs
768
00:40:28,620 --> 00:40:32,551
had just been thrown
onto my chest
769
00:40:32,655 --> 00:40:36,275
and I just thought,
"I'm 24, like I'm not..."
770
00:40:36,379 --> 00:40:38,655
I haven't even
had a smear test yet
771
00:40:38,758 --> 00:40:42,275
and I'm being told
that I've got cancer.
772
00:40:43,344 --> 00:40:45,827
I had my cervix removed,
773
00:40:45,931 --> 00:40:48,206
the surrounding kind of
tissue area
774
00:40:48,310 --> 00:40:50,034
and the top third of my vagina.
775
00:40:50,137 --> 00:40:51,862
There's a lot of kind of stigma
776
00:40:51,965 --> 00:40:53,827
around having a gynaecological
disease,
777
00:40:53,931 --> 00:40:56,344
like somebody at my old job
when I was leaving to go
778
00:40:56,448 --> 00:40:59,275
and have the operation said,
779
00:40:59,379 --> 00:41:00,620
"What kind of cancer
have you got?"
780
00:41:00,724 --> 00:41:01,827
and I said, "Cervical."
781
00:41:01,931 --> 00:41:03,758
And she said, "Well,
how do you get that?"
782
00:41:03,862 --> 00:41:06,000
And like you wouldn't ask
the same
783
00:41:06,103 --> 00:41:08,206
if I'd said breast,
bowel or brain.
784
00:41:08,310 --> 00:41:09,689
When it's something
in between your legs,
785
00:41:09,793 --> 00:41:10,724
there's this assumption
786
00:41:10,827 --> 00:41:12,620
that you've done something
wrong as a woman,
787
00:41:12,724 --> 00:41:15,310
there's a lot of judgement
and inaccuracy.
788
00:41:15,413 --> 00:41:18,413
It's medically inaccurate
that you have to have, you know,
789
00:41:18,517 --> 00:41:21,448
slept with a lot of people
to have a gynae problem.
790
00:41:21,551 --> 00:41:24,379
There is this stigma
around gynae health,
791
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:27,896
which means that some women
will not be as lucky as I was.
792
00:41:33,310 --> 00:41:34,448
- When I was really little
793
00:41:34,551 --> 00:41:36,724
and I didn't understand
about what bodies were
794
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:38,034
and gender was,
795
00:41:38,137 --> 00:41:40,310
I honestly thought
I would grow up to be a boy.
796
00:41:40,413 --> 00:41:42,793
I just thought
that's just how it was,
797
00:41:42,896 --> 00:41:45,896
some people changed
and I didn't...
798
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,620
maybe I didn't even think
that I was going to change,
799
00:41:47,724 --> 00:41:49,172
maybe I thought
I already was a boy.
800
00:41:52,413 --> 00:41:58,827
I don't really see myself
as male or female,
801
00:41:58,931 --> 00:42:03,000
I understand
that my physical body is female,
802
00:42:03,103 --> 00:42:06,758
but myself,
excluding the skin sack,
803
00:42:06,862 --> 00:42:09,034
is much more neutral.
804
00:42:09,137 --> 00:42:12,586
I have elements of masculine
and feminine,
805
00:42:12,689 --> 00:42:14,034
I think everybody does really,
806
00:42:14,137 --> 00:42:15,793
but I feel that mine
are very balanced,
807
00:42:15,896 --> 00:42:18,896
and I sit somewhere sort of
very cleanly in the middle
808
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:20,620
though it fluctuates a fair bit
809
00:42:20,724 --> 00:42:23,655
so, non-binary is
a shorthand way of saying that.
810
00:42:25,137 --> 00:42:27,137
The moment that I understood
what non-binary meant,
811
00:42:27,241 --> 00:42:29,724
or gender-neutral is the term
I was using at the time,
812
00:42:29,827 --> 00:42:33,793
it was honest to God, like,
I was flooded with light,
813
00:42:33,896 --> 00:42:36,379
I felt so alive
and so connected
814
00:42:36,482 --> 00:42:38,413
and so calm and centred
815
00:42:38,517 --> 00:42:42,517
and it was just like finally,
I make sense.
816
00:42:42,620 --> 00:42:45,344
Alright, fine, I've done it,
can I turn it off?
817
00:42:45,448 --> 00:42:47,000
Cool.
818
00:42:47,103 --> 00:42:48,448
Off.
819
00:42:49,620 --> 00:42:50,793
Go away.
820
00:42:52,896 --> 00:42:54,965
My vagina is what it is
821
00:42:55,068 --> 00:42:57,448
and there's nothing
I can do about that
822
00:42:57,551 --> 00:42:58,896
and I don't think I'd want to,
823
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:01,000
it takes up a lot of head space.
824
00:43:01,103 --> 00:43:03,620
I'm very aware of it
at all times,
825
00:43:04,551 --> 00:43:05,862
never goes away.
826
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:08,896
- Bring your knees a bit.
827
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:10,517
Just let your legs relax
to the sides,
828
00:43:10,620 --> 00:43:12,482
just get comfortable. Ready?
829
00:43:12,586 --> 00:43:13,586
- Mm-hm.
- OK.
830
00:43:16,344 --> 00:43:20,379
That's great. OK, one more.
Fantastic.
831
00:43:20,965 --> 00:43:24,482
Oh wow, gorgeous.
832
00:43:24,586 --> 00:43:26,586
That's really lovely.
833
00:43:28,206 --> 00:43:29,655
- I can't wait for menopause,
834
00:43:29,758 --> 00:43:31,793
I want my period
to be over with,
835
00:43:31,896 --> 00:43:33,482
I want it gone.
836
00:43:33,586 --> 00:43:35,241
Let the bleeding stop.
837
00:43:35,344 --> 00:43:37,241
I'm just about to have
a hot flush,
838
00:43:37,344 --> 00:43:38,551
I'm sorry, guys.
839
00:43:42,413 --> 00:43:44,793
- I never had
any of that stuff about,
840
00:43:44,896 --> 00:43:48,068
"Oh, you're going to be
a dried up old woman."
841
00:43:50,517 --> 00:43:54,793
I kept getting wet
when I was having sex.
842
00:43:54,896 --> 00:43:56,758
I'm 70, I was 70 in May
843
00:43:56,862 --> 00:43:59,068
and I still enjoy sex.
844
00:43:59,172 --> 00:44:03,758
I'm more dry than I used to be,
so I use a lubricant.
845
00:44:03,862 --> 00:44:09,000
A little bit of spit, you know,
solves that little problem.
846
00:44:13,517 --> 00:44:18,034
- I didn't stop desiring sex,
847
00:44:18,137 --> 00:44:23,034
I didn't stop wanting orgasms,
848
00:44:23,137 --> 00:44:26,068
really your life goes
in different waves,
849
00:44:26,172 --> 00:44:27,517
up and down,
850
00:44:27,620 --> 00:44:29,620
you want sex
or you don't want sex,
851
00:44:29,724 --> 00:44:32,310
I didn't want sex
after I had my kids
852
00:44:32,413 --> 00:44:38,034
but after menopause
I then thought to myself,
853
00:44:38,137 --> 00:44:42,827
"Honey, you're on your own,
make the most of it," and I did.
854
00:44:45,482 --> 00:44:48,137
Narrator: I wanted to bring
the reality of our bodies
855
00:44:48,241 --> 00:44:50,482
and the truth of our experiences
into the open.
856
00:44:52,275 --> 00:44:55,068
I've now photographed
100 vulvas up close,
857
00:44:56,482 --> 00:45:00,655
it's been transformative
and looking at them altogether,
858
00:45:00,758 --> 00:45:02,275
none of us are the same,
859
00:45:02,379 --> 00:45:05,241
we're not all neat,
pink and perfect.
860
00:45:07,586 --> 00:45:10,965
I think a lot of people
have this really solid idea
861
00:45:11,068 --> 00:45:13,758
of what a vagina
should look like
862
00:45:13,862 --> 00:45:15,931
and if everyone
just kind of dropped that
863
00:45:16,034 --> 00:45:18,310
and knew that there were
loads of different vaginas
864
00:45:18,413 --> 00:45:21,827
then I think vaginas
would be a lot happier.
865
00:45:21,931 --> 00:45:27,275
What if women did a sexual
Brexit and took back control
866
00:45:28,310 --> 00:45:30,862
and then said to men,
867
00:45:30,965 --> 00:45:32,862
"You're only allowed near it
if you know what you're doing,"
868
00:45:32,965 --> 00:45:36,137
and we set up
a kind of driver's licence?
869
00:45:37,137 --> 00:45:39,103
I think it would be useful.
870
00:45:41,448 --> 00:45:42,517
Narrator: This part
of ourselves
871
00:45:42,620 --> 00:45:44,103
which we're so conditioned
to conceal
872
00:45:44,206 --> 00:45:47,965
actually defines so much
of our lives as women
873
00:45:48,068 --> 00:45:50,448
and our most intimate
experiences,
874
00:45:50,551 --> 00:45:54,517
pleasurable and painful,
shouldn't be treated as taboo,
875
00:45:54,620 --> 00:45:57,620
but as a testament
to our strength.
67889
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