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1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:05,106
(ROLAND READING)
2
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:09,810
(DOORBELL RINGING)
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,545
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
4
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:16,150
(DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN)
5
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,258
(DOORBELL RINGING FASTER)
6
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,664
-Immigration?
-Revenue.
7
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,834
Mrs. Rose! There are people
here from the government!
8
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,008
(MOIRA SCREAMING)
9
00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:44,445
I've been gutted!
10
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:49,016
John, I've been stripped
of every morsel of pleasure
I earned in this life!
11
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,751
Well, how do you think
I feel, Moira?
12
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,953
Eli was family,
for God's sake!
13
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,955
"Leave your finances to me,"
he said!
14
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,590
Son of a bitch!
15
00:00:56,624 --> 00:01:00,328
ALEXIS: Baby, it's crazy.
People are just, like,
taking our stuff!
16
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,663
I said,
they're taking our stuff!
17
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:04,965
Can you just step out of
the club for a second...
18
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,033
Hold on, hold on!
19
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,735
Those bags are not for you.
20
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,002
My boyfriend
bought those for me.
21
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:11,205
So, theoretically,
they are his!
22
00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:13,307
Please, sir,
can you step aside?
23
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:16,410
DAVID: No, you step aside!
You step aside!
24
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,011
I'm still trying to
wrap my mind around
25
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:22,082
what kind of a sick person
wants to get paid to
destroy another person's life!
26
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,618
(SCREAMING)
Destroy another person's life!
27
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:26,654
Where are you taking that?
28
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,089
My very soul
has been kidnapped.
29
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:32,025
There's no ransom.
No one's coming to save me!
30
00:01:32,059 --> 00:01:34,094
JOHNNY: We've got 15 minutes
to collect our personals.
31
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,729
-Can we pick up the pace?
-MOIRA: No.
32
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:38,932
No! Did you put
Kristen with Robin?
They don't like each other!
33
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:41,135
No! No! (SOBBING)
34
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,838
LAWYER: Eli really did
a number, Johnny.
35
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,440
He took everything.
36
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:48,709
They're still looking for him.
They think he's
in the Caymans.
37
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:51,979
He was our business manager.
He's supposed to pay taxes!
38
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,080
Hmm.
39
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,649
There is a very small amount
set aside for you,
40
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,986
and one asset the government
has allowed you to retain.
41
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,053
The kids.
42
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:02,923
The children are dependents,
Moira.
43
00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:09,430
You bought a small town
in 1991, Johnny.
44
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,766
Yes, I bought that
as a joke for my son.
45
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,703
Wait, you actually
purchased that town?
46
00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,806
Yes, I purchased the town.
How else could I get the deed?
47
00:02:18,839 --> 00:02:20,208
You could've
photoshopped the deed!
48
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:21,809
And saved the money!
Saved the money!
49
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,478
Why would I photoshop a deed?
The joke was owning the town!
50
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,779
-Okay, stop.
-That was the joke!
51
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,315
-Oh, my God!
-Well, that was the joke!
52
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,816
To Johnny's credit,
53
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:32,553
this town might just be
your saving grace.
54
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,688
-At least for a while.
-What do you mean?
55
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,225
You can live there for
next to nothing, until you
get back on your feet.
56
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,693
I'm sure there's a penthouse
we can move into.
57
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:42,162
Please, there are
other options.
58
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,898
Well, homelessness is
still on the table.
59
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:02,082
ALEXIS: The whole time
I was surrounded by
old women wearing visors,
60
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,651
who smelled like yams!
61
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,887
There was nowhere to lie down!
62
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,122
There was nowhere to lie down.
There was no bed!
63
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:10,791
-(DAVID GRUNTING)
-There was no kitchen.
64
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:13,727
I know! No.
65
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,063
I don't know what to tell you.
66
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,831
There's like,
cows all over the place.
67
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,467
Like, everywhere.
68
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,469
I don't know
if there's an infestation.
69
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,804
I don't know
what's happening. Yeah.
70
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:26,206
(CLEARS THROAT) Johnny Rose!
71
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,677
Roland Schitt.
72
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,212
You're the mayor
we're supposed to meet.
73
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,514
That's right. I'm the mayor.
74
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,016
So if you're looking for
an ass to kiss, it's mine!
75
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,050
(CHUCKLES)
76
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,821
Oh, this is my family,
my son...
77
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,791
Let's get you all squared away
in the office there,
Johnny, okay?
78
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:46,193
The gals can grab the bags.
You follow me, all right?
79
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,161
Right this way.
Watch it, honey. Here we come.
80
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,631
ALEXIS: The Cheaters marathon
we watched, it's like that.
81
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,666
Children, keep an eye
on these bags.
82
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:55,336
Apparently in hell,
there's no bellman!
83
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:57,905
-David, what are we...
-Shut up!
84
00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,741
-You shut up!
-You shut up!
85
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,411
-Um, you shut up!
-You shut up!
86
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:07,448
The name is Rose.
87
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:10,518
I don't see a reservation
under that name.
88
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:13,220
It's okay, Stevie. I set aside
two rooms for them.
89
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,622
Well, there's nothing here.
90
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:16,624
Well, okay, fine. Just book
'em in with two rooms.
91
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:19,192
These people own the town.
They're big deals.
92
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,061
We'll need three rooms,
minimum.
93
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,963
Ooh, no can do, honey.
94
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,333
Look, we have a one-room
comp policy here,
95
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:29,036
and I am personally
throwing in an extra room
out of sheer decency, so...
96
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,705
What about suites? Do you have
a couple of suites?
97
00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:32,940
(CHUCKLES) This guy!
98
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,442
Um...
99
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,478
No, this is a motel.
100
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:41,349
So we cater more to
off road truckers
and drunk teenagers.
101
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:46,219
Please, someone just
give me a key, to a door,
to a room, any room!
102
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:49,957
I just want a bathtub and
a long extension cord, please.
103
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,527
ROLAND: There you go, ma'am.
104
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,200
Smells like a gym bag.
105
00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:02,202
Dees anyone else
feel light-headed?
106
00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:05,806
Oh, my God, this takes me back
to high school.
107
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:09,777
You know, I did the deed
in just about every room
in this place.
108
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,113
Yep, if a forensic team
came in here with
one of those blue lights,
109
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,648
this place would just
light up!
110
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,083
Okay, that's good.
111
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,185
-Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
112
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,754
Oh, hey, chief, the other
room's right through there.
113
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:21,789
Here you go.
114
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,957
(ROLAND SIGHING)
115
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,294
MOIRA: And there's the bed.
116
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:32,400
I should probably pull off
that cover and burn it.
117
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,867
All right.
118
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:38,171
Good, Roland.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate everything...
119
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,607
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Have a ball in
the land down under!
120
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,841
Ever wanna ride a kangaroo?
121
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,209
Okay.
122
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,011
(CHANGING CHANNELS)
123
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,513
ALEXIS: Okay.
124
00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:48,449
Okay.
125
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,483
(DAVID GRUNTS)
126
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,185
(CHUCKLES) Okay, okay.
127
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,288
Okay, okay, okay.
128
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:58,258
Okay. Okay.
129
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,360
Okay.
130
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,597
Okay!
131
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,435
Okay. Okay. I love you!
132
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:12,806
Oh, okay, well, looks like
you got all the channels
133
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,476
except for Channel 19
for some reason.
I don't know why.
134
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:18,211
Well, the thing is
we won't be watching
a lot of television.
135
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,213
But again, thank you.
136
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:23,917
Don't want to keep you.
I know you're a busy man.
137
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:25,453
(STATIC CONTINUES HISSING)
138
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:31,024
(SIGHS)
139
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,395
(MUFFLED RETCH)
140
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:37,998
Whoa!
141
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,434
-(DOOR OPENING)
-(MUSIC PLAYING)
142
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,006
-Hi.
-Can I help you?
143
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,875
-I'm looking for
an extra towel.
-Okay.
144
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,309
And this might be
a stupid question,
145
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,612
considering the state of
the rugs in our room,
146
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:56,183
but do you have
a business center here?
147
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:59,052
Yes, we do have
a business center.
148
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,589
You can find it
right outside the doors
to your left,
149
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,357
right beside the Hammam spa.
150
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,259
Would you like me to
book you a treatment
while you're at it?
151
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,128
Thank you.
No, just the towel, thanks.
152
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,763
I'll get those right out.
153
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,469
Well, Roland, once again,
thank you
154
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,538
for giving us the
lay of the land here,
155
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,540
but we have some
serious unpacking to do.
156
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:22,175
-If you don't mind.
-Oh, sure!
157
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,978
No problem there, Johnny.
I don't mind helpin' out.
158
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:29,783
-Listen, one thing
before I go here...
-(CLEARS THROAT)
159
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,919
Do you mind
if I use your toilet?
160
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:37,324
Is it absolutely necessary?
(CHUCKLES)
161
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:38,458
(LAUGHING)
162
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:42,863
Yeah, I would say
it's absolutely necessary!
163
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:45,799
Excuse me.
"Absolutely necessary."
164
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:50,804
Yes, that train
has left the station,
if you know what I mean!
165
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:54,307
I need that bed.
166
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,676
Why?
167
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,444
-Because I need it.
-Why?
168
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,746
Because if someone were
to break in here
169
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,313
in the middle of the night
wanting to murder us,
170
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,915
they would attack
this bed first.
171
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,151
So I need this bed.
172
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,554
So you're saying that
you want me to
get murdered first?
173
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,622
In front of you?
And then what would you do?
174
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:11,859
Would you just run away
and leave me to bleed out
on the floor?
175
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,728
Sort of,
that was the plan, yeah.
176
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,396
Okay.
177
00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,298
Well, you can have
the bed when I leave.
178
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,233
Well, where are you going?
179
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,035
Stavros is
flying in to get me.
I told you that.
180
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,838
What do you mean Stavros is...
181
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,707
What do you mean?
When? When is he doing that?
182
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,509
Like, whenever
stupid Mary-Kate
stops hogging his plane.
183
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,078
Well, where are we going?
184
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:36,216
Okay. At present,
he's just coming for me.
185
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,384
But then I figured that
186
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:40,721
we would just come back
and grab you guys
at some point.
187
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:47,194
What kind of sociopath
abandons her family in
some vomit-soaked dump
188
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,496
to gallivant around the world
189
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:53,667
with her dumb shipping-heir
loser boyfriend she's known
for three months?
190
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:57,671
David, it will be
four months next month!
191
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,707
Oh, my God!
192
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,141
And he just told me that
193
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,844
he could potentially
see himself considering saying
"I love you"
194
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,879
at some point sometime soon,
so...
195
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:08,315
That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.
I'm telling Mom.
196
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,917
I'm telling Mom and Dad.
Have you told them?
197
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,352
No! No. David, I'm waiting for
the right opportunity.
198
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,421
Okay? Otherwise,
Dad's gonna cry,
199
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,591
and Mom's gonna do that thing
where she pretends
that nothing's wrong,
200
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:20,227
and then just doesn't
talk to me for five months,
and I don't want that.
201
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:23,764
Well, I need this bed.
I need it. So...
202
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,133
You know what, David?
203
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,235
You get murdered first
for once!
204
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,537
No, you get murdered first!
205
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,572
David, you get murdered first!
206
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,908
-No, you! You do!
-Yes, you get murdered first!
207
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,410
ALEXIS: David,
you get murdered first!
208
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,523
I actually think
this place is kind of cute.
209
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,060
Did you say cute?
210
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:57,397
No, Alexis. Martha Stewart's
Hampton home is cute.
211
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,600
Where's that weird man?
212
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:01,669
(MOUTHING)
213
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,103
Where?
214
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,841
He's in the bathroom.
He won't leave!
215
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:09,843
Well, he's been in there
for a very long...
216
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:12,913
-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-(TOILET FLUSHES)
217
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:16,449
Jeez. Boy.
218
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,519
Remind me to get that
window fixed.
It will not open.
219
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,621
Roland, listen,
thank you very much.
220
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,390
But I appreciate everything
you've done.
221
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,760
-We need a little private time
now as a family.
-(TV SWITCHES ON)
222
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:30,163
Sure. Well, actually,
those curtains
do close there, so...
223
00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,231
(MOUTHING)
224
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,566
Oh, look!
You've got Channel 19!
225
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,804
Roland, could you
get the fuck out?
226
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,606
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
This latest model
is a revelation in innovation.
227
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,941
I am not lying, folks.
228
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,410
It's gonna last you
a lifetime.
You are gonna thank...
229
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:44,444
(TV SWITCHES OFF)
230
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:50,450
That was an overreaction.
That was uncalled for.
231
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:55,355
It's just, you know,
we're a little tired.
It's been a long day.
232
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:59,492
There's a pharmacy worth
of drugs wearing off
on most of us right now,
233
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,863
and I just think as a family,
we need a little
time to chill.
234
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:06,133
Johnny, please,
you don't have to apologize,
235
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,869
and you really don't have
to hit me over the head
with this sort of thing.
236
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:10,070
I get it.
237
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,072
You need your little
family time and all that.
238
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,107
I'm sure. No problem.
239
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,744
You know what I'll do? I'll...
240
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:20,647
I'll just get
the fuck out of here.
241
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:36,363
DAVID: We have to eat in here?
242
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:38,631
-I think it's kind of sweet.
-(DAVID SIGHS)
243
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:41,334
Alexis, what's going on
with you?
244
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:43,804
What do you mean?
245
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,874
Seriously?
The room was "cute,"
this place is "sweet."
246
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,242
I am personally offended
by this place.
247
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,611
I don't know what you think
is nice about it.
248
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:54,882
The town is disgusting.
It is gruesome.
249
00:11:54,915 --> 00:12:00,120
It is charming. It is quaint.
It's like out of a storybook.
250
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,555
Alexis, what the hell is
the matter with you?
251
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,326
(GROANS) Okay.
252
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,195
Stavros is flying in
to get me,
253
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,730
and I am going to go live
with him for a little bit.
254
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,933
Well, that is not happening.
255
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:18,371
And I am appalled that my
baby girl has turned into
a selfish, duplicitous whore!
256
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,606
Oh, hello!
257
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:22,776
Hi, I'm Twyla.
I'll be your waitress today.
258
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:26,479
Anyway, I read about you guys
and everything you've
gone through.
259
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:28,381
It sounds super crappy.
260
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,850
Super crappy?
261
00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,652
I had a second cousin in
Elmdale who did telemarketing.
262
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,121
He made a ton of money.
263
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:37,424
Turns out his entire business
was illegal,
and he lost everything.
264
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,426
Hmm. Not quite the same.
265
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,362
Yeah. No, he went to prison,
which is terrible, but...
266
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,798
But he is learning Spanish.
267
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:49,102
No mas, le duele! I think it
means, "Stop, it hurts."
268
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,805
Oh, wonderful anecdote.
Could you give us
a moment, please?
269
00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:54,141
Whenever you're ready.
I'm just right over here.
270
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,277
I forbid you
to abandon our family.
271
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,146
I am a grown woman, mother.
272
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:01,214
This is the act of
a spoiled child!
273
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,951
I think it's unforgivable!
274
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,953
I think that you're just
super jealous,
275
00:13:05,986 --> 00:13:08,021
'cause I'm getting out
of here!
276
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,157
Also, you have a
big thing of dandruff
on your eyebrow.
277
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,325
-Don't do that!
-Kids, stop, stop!
278
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:16,329
The world is falling apart
around us, John,
and I'm dying inside.
279
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,698
Well, I'm feeling a little
queasy myself.
280
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:21,234
Oh, brisket!
281
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:24,404
-Give me some space!
-ALEXIS: David!
282
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,079
John.
283
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,214
-Oh, my God!
-ALEXIS: Um...
284
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:41,354
These rooms did have doors,
didn't they?
285
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,156
Yeah, it's a hotel.
They're hotel rooms.
286
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:46,193
It's a motel!
These are motel rooms.
287
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:47,794
What if they took our stuff?
288
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,897
What stuff?
There's no stuff to take.
289
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,564
I have stuff!
290
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,102
Son of a bitch!
291
00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,907
(MUSIC PLAYING)
292
00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:03,676
Yeah, I've got a problem.
293
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:06,213
-If this is about doors...
-Yeah, it's about doors.
294
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:09,316
Yeah, my doors are gone,
my front door.
Somebody stole my doors!
295
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,818
Yeah, you're gonna have to
talk to Roland about that.
296
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,053
He lives just down the street.
297
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,288
You make a left
out of the motel
and then another left.
298
00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:17,490
It's a house with a truck
in the driveway.
299
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,060
There's a bumper sticker
of a naked Helen Mirren.
300
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,463
(MOIRA SCREAMS)
301
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:26,599
Oh, my God, no! No! No!
302
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:28,035
What?
303
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,537
My earrings! They were there.
They're not there!
304
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:33,240
-Where did they go?
-I don't know! I don't know!
305
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,208
First you threatened
to abandon me,
306
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,444
and now my precious diamonds
are gone!
307
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,746
Okay, you are being
super dramatic right now.
308
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,781
Shut up and look for them!
309
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:42,815
(SHRIEKING)
310
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,285
(CONTINUES SHRIEKING)
311
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,590
(SOBBING HYSTERICALLY)
312
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:51,624
(SCREAMING)
313
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,361
Get open!
314
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,069
JOHNNY: Roland, I see you
behind the truck!
315
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,904
Yeah, of course you see me.
316
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,806
I'm looking at my gravel.
317
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,810
Gravel these days.
What are you gonna do?
318
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:12,312
Yeah, it's gravel.
319
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,214
Yeah, it's gravel!
320
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,582
Hey, good news for you.
321
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,085
I talked to a guy about
that bathroom window.
322
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,287
That's the least of
my concerns right now!
323
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,856
Oh, Really?
Well, why don't we
address your concerns?
324
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,225
The doors!
325
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,294
-I want my doors back!
-Oh.
326
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,762
Before it gets dark!
My son is afraid of moths.
327
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,064
Oh, hmm.
328
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,599
Well, here's the thing
about that, Johnny.
329
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,901
You see, you did a bad thing.
330
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,670
You disrespected me
in front of your family!
331
00:15:37,704 --> 00:15:39,039
And now they think less of me.
332
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,707
I doubt that's possible.
333
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:41,808
And to be honest,
334
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,443
you were kind of
breathing down our necks
335
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,045
a little bit back
at the motel.
336
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:48,748
Johnny, when I was a kid
and I did a bad thing,
337
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,018
my father took
the doors off my room.
338
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:54,887
And he said to me,
"Roland, privacy is earned."
339
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,091
I am having a tough time
following that.
340
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,327
What the hell does that
have to do with privacy?
341
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,663
Nothing. I just got mad
and I took your doors.
342
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,267
Look, if you took offense
to anything I said
back at the motel,
343
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:10,037
just know it wasn't personal.
344
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:14,474
All right. Apology accepted.
345
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,077
Well, that was less of
an apology and
more of an explanation.
346
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,645
Nevertheless,
I accept your apology.
347
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,013
Which it wasn't!
348
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,814
So thank you again
for that apology,
which was very nice.
349
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,850
Well, there was no apology,
and I can't do this anymore!
350
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,653
You said you're sorry in
a very sweet and humble way,
351
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,355
and that takes a big man
to do that.
352
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:31,691
And that's what
Johnny Rose is! A big man!
353
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:37,430
MOIRA: Oh!
354
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:41,068
Hello! Hello!
355
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,371
Hi, hello. Come here, please.
356
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:49,476
I don't suppose you saw
any hobos or crackheads
357
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,244
loitering around
the hotel today?
358
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,913
No crackheads, no...
359
00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:57,484
While the rooms
were exposed to the world
like a Moroccan fair,
360
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,253
someone got in here
and stole my earrings.
361
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:03,523
But it was just... But it was
just you here today.
362
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,160
-It was.
-It was.
363
00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:10,763
I'm assuming you were
the only one here
on the premises today?
364
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:13,166
I think I know where you're
going with this.
365
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,735
No, I'm simply confirming that
366
00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:19,772
you alone were here
when the earrings were stolen.
367
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,441
Are you asking me
if I stole your earrings?
368
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,943
No, I would never. Please!
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
369
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:27,114
But I also would certainly
never press charges.
370
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:30,417
If my earrings were
suddenly to be returned,
371
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,120
if they suddenly reappeared,
372
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:35,455
if you gave them back,
I would not press charges.
373
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,290
I would look the other way.
374
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:38,791
Okay, you know what?
I gotta run.
375
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,128
'Cause I wanna
hit the pawn shop
before it closes.
376
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,396
I owe my crack dealer
a ton of money, so...
377
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:46,333
You seem like you have this
under control, though.
378
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,301
What just happened?
379
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:52,004
David, I politely asked
that concierge girl
if she had stolen my earrings,
380
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:55,575
and she turned ice cold,
and now she's on her way
to a pawn shop!
381
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,577
What? I need a towel!
382
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:00,513
Hello, hi, hi.
383
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,915
I am sorry if my mom
accused you
of taking something.
384
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:04,151
STEVIE: It's fine.
385
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,985
Okay, but does this mean
that when you're
cleaning our rooms,
386
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,587
you're gonna put weird stuff
in our beds
387
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,622
-out of spite or something?
-I won't be
cleaning your room.
388
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:11,791
Okay, can I ask you
a question?
389
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,693
Shoot.
390
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,163
-I think you're kind of rude!
-Is that a question?
391
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:19,999
I have asked you
thrice now for a towel
392
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:23,336
so that I may wash this town
off my body.
393
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,604
Do you think I wanna be here?
394
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,306
Do you think I wanna be here?
395
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:27,540
I don't know what you want.
396
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:29,476
You've given me one-word
answers since I got here!
397
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:32,412
So if I get you a towel,
you'll stop following me
to my car?
398
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,113
Yes! Yes!
399
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:38,585
Fine, but I'm only doing this
because you called me rude,
400
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,853
and I take that
as a compliment.
401
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,855
The man is a lunatic!
402
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,657
What the hell happened here?
403
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,359
We've been robbed.
404
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:49,796
Right now, some local is
pawning my earrings for crank.
405
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,031
-Your diamonds?
-Yes, my diamonds,
406
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,766
the one thing I could hide
under my tongue.
407
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:58,070
Moira, I took
your earrings out of here
408
00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:00,072
and I put them in my shoe.
409
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:04,211
-For safekeeping.
-ALEXIS: No! No!
410
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,748
Stavros just texted me.
411
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,750
(SOBBING) And he ended it.
He's not coming!
412
00:19:10,783 --> 00:19:12,919
He said that he
doesn't have time to come
and get me because
413
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:16,723
he already RSVP'd
to Diddy's white party,
414
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,157
and he doesn't have
time to do both!
415
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,159
But I was supposed to be
his date to the white party!
416
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:24,531
Alexis, he was never
my favorite Stavros.
417
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:26,132
I've hated that guy ever since
he asked me
418
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,335
to do lines with him
at my 60th.
419
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:31,938
Just out of sheer curiosity,
420
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:35,408
where do you stand now on
whether or not you think
this motel is cute?
421
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:38,811
-Like, is it still cute,
or is it...
-You're a dick, David!
422
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:39,879
Oh, I'm a dick?
423
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,114
Okay, did I dump you
for a party?
424
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:43,683
David, help me with the doors.
425
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:45,285
No, I can't.
I just got out of the shower.
426
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,586
I need help with the doors.
427
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,455
-David, help him
with the doors!
-Oh, my God!
428
00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,690
-You help him with the doors!
-No!
429
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,859
-David, could you help me
with the doors?
-It's air-drying!
430
00:19:52,892 --> 00:19:56,796
Pick up a hammer
and nail this coffin shut!
431
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,233
ALEXIS: As if I didn't
see this coming.
432
00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:03,703
He's broken up with me
five times already.
433
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:07,206
Like, there was that time
that he never met me in Rio,
434
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:11,311
and remember that time
when he gave me his
ex-wife's engagement ring?
435
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:14,314
And then, last summer,
436
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,649
that time that he left his
molly in my glove compartment,
437
00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:20,186
-and then I got arrested?
-Oh, my God!
Can you do me a huge favor?
438
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,155
And never repeat this to
anyone that you respect, okay?
439
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,393
-Okay? Okay.
-Okay.
440
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,495
Kids, we just came in
to say good night
441
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:32,499
and to remind you that
we will get through this
as a family.
442
00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:33,566
DAVID: Okay, good night!
443
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,269
Warmest regards to you both.
444
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:40,473
And that will end up
on our feet in no time!
445
00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:44,176
Of course, by then our feet
will be shoeless
and filthy and mangled
446
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:48,214
from walking on cigarette
butts and broken beer bottles.
447
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,984
So, seriously, Alexis,
enough about Stavros!
448
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:56,022
I'm sorry if I am going
through something right now!
449
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:58,625
You're going through
something?
450
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:10,069
-MOIRA: Good night, children.
-JOHNNY: Good night!
451
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:12,705
-DAVID: Good night.
-ALEXIS: (TEARFULLY)
Good night.
452
00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:15,708
MOIRA: Let's all pray
we don't wake up.
33358
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