All language subtitles for Bless the Harts s02e11 Big Pimpin.eng

Brenda, what are you doing?
Louise is back from her cruise.

She's parking her car right now.

‐Wait, Louise has been gone?
‐Yes. For a week.

Wait, you were about to do
four shots of tequila

and you thought
she was fully here?

‐It's my lunch break.
‐It's 10:00 a. m.

I have low blood sugar, Jenny.

Louise. Are you okay?

(moans)
It's Daniel.

He...
(crying)

Ugh, let me guess,
that clod‐pole got called away

in the middle of a cruise
for some "businessman thing,"

and left you all alone
for the rest of the trip?

You know what, Louise?
It's time.

The gloves are off.

Daniel is a grade‐A
country club booty squirt.

He's a jerk, and you need
to drop that flaccid,

dead‐eyed pee‐hole.

It wasn't his fault.

Oh, right. It wasn't his fault.

Will you just stop
making excuses for him, Louise?

Brenda's right. He is
a worthless, flat‐butted...

‐But he...
‐No, no, no. Let me finish. Coffee‐breathed...

‐But...
‐...biscuit‐faced, wet...

‐But y'all...
‐...paper towel filled with pubes.

Daniel's dead.

(crying)

‐(sighs)
‐Oh.

♪ ♪

BRENDA:
I'm just gonna come out and say what everyone's thinking.

This is a funeral for a turd.
No, not even.

I've had actual turds
that were harder to let go of.

Brenda, be nice.
Louise loved him.

God only knows why.

Yeah, even I'm having
a hard time

mustering up any waterworks
for Daniel.

Gonna have to use my go‐to:

thinking about the first
15 minutes of Pixar's Up.

Oh, Lord, here it comes.

That old man, so alone,
missing his wife.

She's so barren.
Ugh, damn it, I took it too far.

‐(crying)
‐LOUISE: Welcome, y'all.

As you know, we are forced
to have this bodyless funeral

because poor old Daniel fell off
the side of a cruise ship

and his remains have probably
moved all the way

through the food chain by now.

What will I miss most about
Daniel Hunter Gunnar Culp III?

Well, his smile, for sure.

But also, his warm,
sexual touch.

We had movie‐quality
love‐making.

And by that I mean,
whenever we made love,

he would have to watch a movie.

Like Wild Things 1 through 4,

or anything with Ellen Barkin.

I wanted to show y'all a video

of me and Daniel's life
together,

but I'm no good at computers,

so I'm just gonna show you
these pictures off my phone

while playing
his very favorite song.

("Virtual Insanity" playing)

Can you see it? Can you see it?

Okay, you two lean in.

All right, can you see it now?

I am so sorry for your loss,

but I can't wait to deliver
your bereavement benefits

in four to six weeks.

Oh, Norma, I'm so lost
without my love muffin.

Oh, look at that big phony.

Excuse me?

Big phony Louise
with her crocodile tears.

‐She's a stone‐cold murderer.
‐David. David.

Turn around,
you're missing something good.

So, Gram, I'm so sorry, did you
say Louise Culp is a murderer?

Oh, quit clutching
your pearls, Vi.

It's about time you learned
how the real world works.

You walk around
in a butterscotch dreamland

where no one you know
is a murderer.

Louise 100% killed Daniel.

Tell us more about this theory.

It's not a theory, it's a fact.

No one dies of natural causes
on a cruise.

It's a murderers' paradise.

You're out in
international waters,

every man for himself.

That's how Rose got away
with murdering Jack.

Watch the movie.

(gasps) I could listen
to Betty Hart

talk about murder
all day long.

(gasps)
So could everyone.

David, we owe it to the world

to turn her insane ramblings
into a podcast.

Oh my God, even if we recorded
the little bit she just said,

and put some marimba music
behind it,

that's already, like,
six episodes.

Mmm. Oh, Lord. Mmm.

Y'all, now, Jenny, you better
hold Wayne tight tonight

and give him your best loving,

'cause y'all don't know
how lucky you are.

Okay, well, we will take that
under advisement.

I mean, really get in there
and go to town on each other.

Will do.

‐Damn.
‐I feel sorry for her.

Louise has never been
without a man in her life.

Who knows? Maybe in
the long run, this will be good.

Maybe she'll learn she doesn't
need to define herself

through a man.

‐("Virtual Insanity" playing)
‐My man is gone, y'all.

I'm nothing without my man.

I'm not even a person, y'all.

Okay, a‐week‐ago me was wrong.

How's everyone doing tonight?
Can I tell y'all the specials?

(crying): I'd like to tell you
who was really special.

My Daniel.

But now he's fish food.

He's dead.

(wails)

(crying)

There goes another table
of tips.

This is a nightmare.

She's scaring away
all the customers.

Daniel's dead.

This is where Daniel
used to eat.

Daniel peed in here.

Get out of there.
This is Daniel's favorite booth.

He used to eat in here,
but now he's dead.

("Virtual Insanity" ends)

Thank God.

("Virtual Insanity"
starts playing)

(both groan)

(marimba music playing)

VIOLET:
Imagine a long‐married couple

boarding a cruise.

They're in good spirits,
hit the buffet.

They end the night
with a stroll,

neither of them knowing
this moment

will be their last together.

Unless one of them did.

I'm Violet Hart. And this is
Danslaughter: Port of Fall.

I'm David Brito,
and with us today is Betty Hart.

Now, Betty, I understand
you have a few theories

about what happened
on Louise's recent cruise?

Theories are for nerds
and climate scientists.

I have facts.
Here's exactly how it went down.

It was early evening
on board the Festival Breeze,

captained by a sturdy Spaniard
named Javier

with a full head
of salt and pepper hair

and the thighs of a Greek god.

VIOLET:
Gram, stick to the murder.

It's called color, Vi.

Let me do what I do.

Daniel and Louise
were sharing drinks

in the Pink Coral Lounge.

But little did Daniel know
that he was being overserved.

To the point of going overboar.

Pun intended.
Cut to the Lido deck.

She did the old
"Oh, look, doesn't that dolphin

look just like Charlton Heston"

Then push, push, splash, splas,
chomp, chomp,

jump into the conga line
as an alibi.

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun,
here the whole time ♪

♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun,
perfect crime. ♪

You really think
Louise killed her husband

‐on a cruise ship?
‐Shh!

Fact: 90% of people that go
on cruises do not return.

Fact: There are more dead bodies

floating in the ocean
than plastic.

Fact: We lost more Americans
last year in "cruise pushings"

than we did in all of Vietnam.

So with no motive, zero evidence

and some massively inaccurate
facts about the ocean,

you feel comfortable
labeling Louise Culp a murderer?

I do. Case closed.

And that's not all.
I have a strong foreboding

that the Grove Nursing Home
Nighty‐Night Strangler

is none other than...

Chuck Bryson!

David, lock him up.

Whoa, Gram. You just solved
a different murder?

Oh, yeah. I've solved hundreds,

if not thousands,
of other murders.

Great. Tune in tomorrow
to find out

who else is guilty of murder.

Will it be... you?

Ooh, good one.

WAYNE:
Hey, babe.

Just came by for a quick bite.

They cleared all those trees out

to extend
the Sedgefield Cemetery,

(chuckles):
and it is good and muddy.

So the boys and I
are gonna go off‐roading

before it gets filled up
with bodies.

Oh, no. Okay.
Should I call the tow truck now,

or wait until you call me
saying you got stuck?

(laughs):
Jenny, I'm not gonna get stuck.

You always get stuck.

I am not getting stuck.

I just got a winch.

For when you get stuck?

No! That's for when
somebody else gets stuck.

You can't pull
your own self out, Jenny.

So you are gonna get stuck?

I am not having
this conversation.

LOUISE:
Daniel, look.

(exhales)
Dang. I know it's still fresh, but...

Louise looks rough.
Is she doing okay?

JENNY:
She's trying to feed a fried shrimp to a pillow.

Does that seem okay to you?

Louise, I'm so sorry
for what you're going through.

You just let me know
if you need anything.

Oh, thank you.

I'll be fine.
I'm just gonna go home

and eat a Go‐Gurt for dinner,
since my oven's broken.

Well, I can fix that oven
for you.

(sobbing)

(sniffling)

Just let me know
when's a good time to stop by.

How's right now?

Oh. Uh, right now?

It's a date!

Okay, now I'm stuck.

Oh, thank you, Wayne.

This pilot light's
always broken.

I can't tell you
the amount of times

I'd come home to find my Daniel,

his head in there,
trying to fix it.

He'd pull his head out,
looking all depressed,

and then say, "I give up."

Okay, all fixed.

I hope you feel a little better.

Now I'm gonna go get some mud
on my tires.

LOUISE:
Oh, hang on, boyfriend.

Can I bother you to replace a
couple of burnt‐out light bulbs?

Oh, sure.
I‐I have some in my truck.

Oh, that's smart.

You save yourself
the overnight trip.

‐What?
‐When you have to drive to the light bulb store

that's four hours away,

so eight hours
total travel time.

No, they got 'em at Bigsby's.

Oh, what? I sure wish
Daniel would have known that.

He was gone all the time
on long light bulb runs.

Wow.

Leaving me all alone

in this big ol' house by myself.

Now it feels like he's
on a permanent light bulb run.

To heaven.

This house is just
so big and lonely lately,

and that's not a knock
on poor people

with little tee‐tiny houses.

This is just
a big ol' house, y'all.

What are you doing?

Uh, nothing.

(chuckles nervously):
I'm just listening. Why?

Well, I thought
you would've walked out by now.

Or at least be watching
pro fishing on your phone.

That's what Daniel always did.

He was such a great multitasker.

(sighs):
Oh, no. You're going through a hard time.

Just trying to lend an ear.

Could I ask you
for one more favor?

Would you mind coming up
to my bedroom?

♪ ♪

Could you just open

that nightstand drawer?

What I need is in there.

♪

Yeah, she made me
brush her hair.

What?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Wayne.

Sorry who?
'Cause according to her,

my name's not Wayne anymore.

It's BoogerBear.
And she's BooBear.

And BooBear already wants me
to come back tomorrow.

Oh, Jenny,
I feel so bad for her,

but I can't go back there.

Oh, honey, you've helped enough.

And you deserve to go have fun
and go off‐roading

and get stuck in the mud
with your buddies.

‐We do not get stuck.
‐You will totally get stuck.

I'll talk to Louise tomorrow

and tell her
you can't go back there.

Okay, thanks.

‐And, Jenny?
‐Yeah?

I feel like I should brush
your hair just to make it right.

I don't know what
I'm making right, but just...

I got your hairbrush.

BRENDA:
Well, on the plus side,

your hair
looks extra shiny today.

Yeah, Louise got
way too creep‐a‐do

with Wayne last night.

I got to tell her
he's not available.

Rip the Band‐Aid off no matter
how depressed she seems.

Cock‐a‐doodle‐doo, doo‐doo‐doo.

It's a beautiful morning, y'all.

Now, let's get
some different tunes up in here.

♪ I'm ♪

♪ Gonna soak up the sun... ♪

Oh, Jenny, don't you worry

about Windexing the menus.

I can do that. And, Brenda,

you don't have to shoo out
the ceiling possum today.

I say live and let live, y'all.

Oh, it's so good
to see your face again, Louise.

‐Um, I need to talk
to you about... ‐I just want

to thank you for lending me
your man, Jenny.

Oh, well,
I wouldn't describe it that way.

Well,
whatever you want to call it,

I just want to give you
this little thank‐you.

It's a gift card to Sephora!

It's almost like money.
But it's not, right?

I mean, it's not
"payment for Wayne." (chuckles)

Oh, you wrote
"Payment for Wayne"

right on the gift card.
Right there.

(laughs)
That's terrific.

So, Jenny, what did you need
to talk to me about?

Um, I was just gonna say
about Wayne,

uh, I'll send him
back over later.

And, Brenda,
I'm feeling so good,

I got you one, too.

(chuckles):
Wow. I can't wait to find out

what it feels like
to not steal from that place.

BETTY:
The murderer in the Willow Glen case

was none other

than Greenpoint's own
Darryl Ozment.

Pastor by day, slasher by night.

Case closed. Murder solved.

That makes 60 cases
in three episodes.

Perfectly solved.

All murderers,
please report to jail.

David, fill up that cellblock.

(cell door closes)

Hey, you're the podcast guys.
Love it!

‐Guilty! Cha‐chunk!
‐Your grandma's a hit.

Doing a true crime podcast
is super easy

when the crimes
don't have to be true.

Violet and David,

can I talk to you for a sec?

You want some podcast swag?

All right,
we're out of T‐shirts,

‐but I have a visor.
‐I don't want a visor.

Your grandmother accused me
of murdering an entire sorority

execution‐style in 1989?

‐Uh...
‐Uh...

‐We're so, so, so sorry.
‐So, so sorry. We know

you didn't murder anyone,
but if you did,

‐no judgment.
‐So sorry we accused you of murder.

Now, I know
I shouldn't be mad at you.

I should be praying for you,

'cause your grandmother is crazy
as the day is long,

and I've known her forever,

and it's always been
just one thing after another.

And I can't help it
if Tom Taggert took me

to the Hall & Oates concert
instead of her.

And Lord forgive me,
but tell her

to shut her fat face,

‐or I'm gonna sue.
‐(gasps)

(door opens, closes)

Mm, that was rough.
Is this what guilt feels like?

I know. I feel awful.

But it'll be fine.
She's overreacting.

Everyone else knows
it's just harmless fun.

Plus, nobody's listening.

Hey, you little turds!
Tell your grandma

I didn't lure a drifter
into my van with cigarettes,

then cut off his head
and put it in a chicken bucket.

‐Sorry.
‐We'll tell her.

I didn't poison
my adult son's energy drink!

‐Sorry.
‐Oh, so sorry.

I didn't use lye

to dissolve a body
in a dog food barrel.

‐Sorry.
‐Can we still get some frappes?

Jenny, I'm not doing any more
boyfriend role‐play stuff

for Louise. Okay? It's weird.

And it's even weirder
that you're letting me do it.

Oh, but Louise is all alone.

She's in such a bad state.

And I always thought you were

‐such a good, kind,
selfless person. ‐No.

And there is nothing you can say
to change my mind, Jenny.

All right. Well, Louise did lose
someone she loved deeply.

‐(theme from Up playing)
‐Just like a certain curmudgeon

‐in a balloon house...
‐No, no, no, no. Don't, Jenny.

...who fell in love
with a girl named Ellie,

‐but she was barren.
‐(crying): That poor woman.

They wanted a child so bad.

All right.
All right, I'll do it.

But only Christian "help
thy neighbor" handyman stuff.

Only. Period. End of dis...

("Caught Up in the Rapture"
by Anita Baker playing)

♪ When we met ♪

♪ Always knew ♪

♪ I would feel that magic
for you ♪

♪ On my mind ♪

♪ Constantly ♪

♪ In my arms
is where you should be ♪

(music stops playing)

I feel bad.
Am I pimping out Wayne?

EMPLOYEE:
Would you like a chocolate‐covered strawberry?

Ooh!

♪ I'm ♪

‐♪ Caught up
in the rapture of love ♪ ‐(screams)

♪ Nothing else can compare ♪

♪ When I feel the magic of you ♪

‐♪ I'm... ♪
‐Ah!

Follow me
back to the house, Wayne.

I threw some chili
in my slow cooker

so we could break in
these bowls.

You know, Louise,
I wish I could,

but I'm picking Jenny up
from work,

and then
I'm definitely going mudding.

Oh, Jenny's not working today.

I sent her and Brenda
to get mani‐pedis.

‐What?
‐To pay her for your services.

Thank you, Maurice.

WAYNE:
Oh, look at this.

Y'all having fun
while I'm being pimped out?

Well, guess what, Jenny?
The gigolo is up.

Crap, it's over.
Time to raid and scatter.

(gasps)

How could you do this, Jenny?

You pimped me out.

Or did you gain points in heaven
by helping a fragile widow

through a very emotional time?

While I got a bunch
of treatments and some makeup.

But anyway, heaven!
You're going there.

Okay, stop, stop.

This ends now.

You're going to Louise

and telling her it's over
right now.

Or we could have
some cucumber water

‐and dried apricots.
‐No!

DAVID:
Okay,

I'm counting 27 adults
who are mad at us

and 12 businesses
where we can't buy anything,

‐which is all the businesses
in Greenpoint. ‐We have to stop it.

But Gram's, like, addicted
to accusing people of murder.

Wait, hang on.

Mrs. Kimbro said
she went to school with Gram?

And she went to Hall & Oates
with some boy Gram liked?

Good evening, listeners.

We want to do something a little
different with this episode.

We would like to discuss a
brutal series of assassinations.

‐Character assassinations.
‐(record scratches)

60 murderers.
All accused by the same person,

who just happened to go
to high school with them.

You've been researching me.

Admit it. You wrongly accused
60 people of murder.

You wrong me,
you get accused of murder.

That's just how it is.

We would like
to formally apologize

‐to Preston Harper.
‐(scoffs)

A good man who had nothing to do

with the ritualistic murder
and dismemberment

of that Ultimate Frisbee team
in the late '90s.

Gram, would you also like
to issue an apology?

To the man who once

tapped me on the shoulder
and said,

"Excuse me, sir"?

When hell freezes over.

We also owe an apology
to Vernon Bannerman,

wrongly accused
of being the Dallas Drowner.

Hmm, let me guess. He once said

something mildly impolite
to you?

He didn't say crap.

He did flip me off in the midde

of a spirit rally.
Still don't know why.

Just like those six women
in Dallas

don't know why he drowned them.

Gram, we still have
this one little case

we haven't cracked.
Louise Culp. Why accuse her?

She didn't even go
to high school with you.

Well,
Louise's mother once asked,

"Where'd you get that top?
Goodwill?"

In front
of the boys' JV baseball team.

And since Louise's mother
is no longer with us,

Louise has inherited
this slight.

Therefore,
Louise and all her kin

henceforth are guilty of murder.

Okay, Gram,
that's low even for you.

Oh, what's this?

I'm seeing something new
in my papers and findings.

Tell me something.
Where were you

the night the Myrtle Beach
Mangler last struck?

Ugh. Gram, don't.

Sure sounds like
what a murderer would say.

And who knows what other crimes

they may have committed.

In fact, there they go,
off to kill mo...

Louise, Jenny has something
she wants to say to you.

Okay, so, Louise,
I know this is hard,

but you can't have Wayne
anymore.

I mean, not at this price.

I know. I know.
I'm sorry, y'all.

I mean, the money I was paying
was way too low.

Right? I mean,
look at these arms.

They can hold
a trunkful of groceries.

(chuckles)
Wayne should cost

at least what Richard Gere paid
for Pretty Woman.

Oh, no, I don't know
if I could go that high.

Then make an offer.
I'm not negotiating

‐with myself here.
‐Ladies!

Now, I have been bought
and sold like chattel

while y'all
lived high on the hog

and got to do everything
you wanted to do.

So now we are gonna do
something I want to do.

‐(Jenny and Louise whooping)
‐WAYNE: Yeah!

Watch this!

‐(Wayne and Jenny screaming)
‐Yes, y'all.

‐Are we stuck?
‐No.

Seems like we're stuck.

Well, then,
you're seeing things,

'cause we are not stuck.

So, you're saying, then,
we don't have to use the winch?

No. A winch is
for when other people get stuck.

Well, then,
where are the other people

with their winches, Wayne?

We don't need them yet
because we are not stuck.

Y'all are stuck, but I'm free.

I got mud
in all my nooks and crannies

and even my nethers.

I don't know how
to tell you this, Jenny.

And we're stuck.

‐Yeah, we're stuck.
‐(whoops)

‐(meows)
‐(horn honks musically)

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