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1
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,530
My husband.
2
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,710
Thank you for last night.
3
00:01:20,190 --> 00:01:21,880
Thank you for last night.
4
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,150
Thank you for last night.
5
00:02:13,850 --> 00:02:15,490
Hey, what do you think
you're doing?
6
00:02:17,150 --> 00:02:18,540
Shit.
7
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:38,410
Today, these visually-impaired senior
citizens will fulfill a lifelong dream:
8
00:02:41,290 --> 00:02:42,980
To swim with dolphins.
9
00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:46,760
Hey, check this out.
10
00:02:47,810 --> 00:02:50,110
- What is that?
- Careful.
11
00:02:50,330 --> 00:02:52,460
That is four years of research.
12
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:56,420
A technological breakthrough
which might just save a life or two.
13
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,420
- What's it for?
- A device to prevent...
14
00:02:58,550 --> 00:03:00,420
...the beaching of cetaceans.
15
00:03:00,590 --> 00:03:03,470
- That's whales to you and me.
- Cetaceans, huh?
16
00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:05,860
That's a pretty big word
for a man-whore.
17
00:03:08,550 --> 00:03:11,070
I'm not a man-whore.
18
00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:13,430
I'm a fish enthusiast.
19
00:03:13,690 --> 00:03:15,510
I stopped man-whoring
when I met my wife.
20
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:17,980
My mom said your wife
got eaten on your honeymoon...
21
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,940
...because you tried
to feed the sharks.
22
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,770
You tell your mom I was
trying to feed the turtles.
23
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,170
I didn't realize there was
meat sauce on the lettuce.
24
00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:28,730
Whatever. I bet that thing doesn't
even work, you stupid he-bitch.
25
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:31,380
- Come on, I got it.
- Hey, you little bastards.
26
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,860
Give that back! That's not a toy!
27
00:03:35,510 --> 00:03:37,810
That's the one. That's your grandma.
28
00:03:37,990 --> 00:03:39,820
Give me...! Come on! Give me...!
29
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,680
Something seems to be going wrong.
I'm not sure what's happening.
30
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,610
I gotcha! I got...!
31
00:04:10,470 --> 00:04:12,690
Hey, everybody. I'm home.
32
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:19,480
Hi, Kate. I missed you today.
33
00:04:20,690 --> 00:04:22,910
The prototype's almost working.
34
00:04:23,210 --> 00:04:24,950
All it needs is a few
minor adjustments.
35
00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:34,090
Wes Takahashi in Malibu, where
three blind swimmers are missing.
36
00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:36,260
I hope that man rots in hell!
37
00:04:37,170 --> 00:04:39,560
It was some weird guy.
He tried to touch my ball...
38
00:04:46,830 --> 00:04:49,180
- Hello?
- Deucey, Deucey, Deucey.
39
00:04:49,350 --> 00:04:51,000
It's your old buddy T.J. here.
40
00:04:51,260 --> 00:04:53,220
- T.J?
- I'm in Amsterdam.
41
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,490
Man, you'd love it here. It's like
Disneyland for college students.
42
00:04:56,790 --> 00:04:57,960
You wouldn't believe this.
43
00:04:58,130 --> 00:05:01,140
Why don't you come and let your
friend T.J. show you a good time.
44
00:05:01,350 --> 00:05:03,400
- Oh, that's crazy. I can't.
- Look.
45
00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:06,050
It ain't like you got something
better to do over there.
46
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:08,130
Amsterdam is so far away.
47
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,610
Police have just released a sketch
of a man wanted for questioning.
48
00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:16,140
Witnesses report he is goofy-looking
and probably a virgin.
49
00:05:16,830 --> 00:05:19,710
On the other hand,
far away could be good.
50
00:05:22,830 --> 00:05:24,360
Is my wife gonna be okay in there?
51
00:05:24,530 --> 00:05:26,880
- She'll be fine, sir.
- All right.
52
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:30,350
Ladies and gentlemen, Flight 10
from Helsinki is now arriving...
53
00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:33,310
Excuse me.
I think there's been a mix-up.
54
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,220
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
55
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,490
That's okay. I always wondered
what it felt like to be a white woman.
56
00:05:40,530 --> 00:05:42,620
- Can I borrow it?
- Give me that.
57
00:05:43,670 --> 00:05:44,710
Hold on.
58
00:05:45,050 --> 00:05:47,800
All rows now boarding
for Amsterdam.
59
00:05:55,490 --> 00:05:56,750
Excuse me.
60
00:05:57,010 --> 00:05:58,230
Okay.
61
00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,500
Hey, how many people
get to do this on their honeymoon?
62
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,140
You're sure it's safe
to feed the turtles?
63
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:17,060
You have nothing to worry about.
I'm a fish expert, remember?
64
00:06:18,410 --> 00:06:20,370
What is that over there?
65
00:06:20,670 --> 00:06:23,880
Oh, that's just some kid with a fin
on his back, trying to scare us.
66
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,150
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
67
00:06:26,850 --> 00:06:29,670
Do you think the hotel would let us
swim out here if there were sharks?
68
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:34,880
Come on. This is Mexico.
69
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:38,060
They know what they're doing.
70
00:06:50,070 --> 00:06:52,030
This shirt's gonna be
a great icebreaker.
71
00:06:52,190 --> 00:06:55,150
Fuck you, American,
you imperialist bastard!
72
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,760
I love America.
I love President Bush.
73
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:01,410
Thank you for bringing
democracy to Iraq.
74
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,990
- Shut up!
- Oh, shit!
75
00:07:05,890 --> 00:07:07,980
Oh, hello. Sir.
76
00:07:08,380 --> 00:07:11,370
- Is this okay?
- You did miss a spot.
77
00:07:17,290 --> 00:07:18,590
Did I get it?
78
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,380
Put some elbow in it.
79
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,940
Sorry, honey.
80
00:07:31,070 --> 00:07:32,720
What's with all these red lights?
81
00:07:34,030 --> 00:07:36,510
I wonder if they know
their curtains are open.
82
00:07:39,370 --> 00:07:40,640
Oh, man.
83
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,160
Ahoy there!
84
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,770
Big Deucey in Amsterdam.
85
00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:50,900
Man, get on over here.
86
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,340
Deucey.
87
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:56,200
- Look at this boat.
- Check this out.
88
00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:02,810
You like that?
89
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,210
I couldn't be happier for you.
90
00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:11,990
Come, let me
show you my float-crib.
91
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:15,380
- Okay.
- Looking like money.
92
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,040
I'm telling you, you gonna have
a good time, man, huh?
93
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:23,170
Well, it ain't much, but it's home.
94
00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:28,120
It's nice.
I like what you've done with it.
95
00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:31,640
Now, if you gotta use the bathroom,
lift up the toilet seat.
96
00:08:31,820 --> 00:08:33,950
This is where I live.
This is my home.
97
00:08:34,170 --> 00:08:36,870
I don't want nobody
pissing on my toilet seat.
98
00:08:38,470 --> 00:08:41,260
What do you think of the float-crib?
You feeling it?
99
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,340
T.J., I think you got a bad leak here.
100
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,130
No, no, no. It's just high tide.
101
00:08:47,510 --> 00:08:49,950
Is that what I think it is?
102
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:53,180
Yeah. I brought Kate.
103
00:08:53,650 --> 00:08:56,040
I really wanna show her
a good time, you know?
104
00:08:56,220 --> 00:08:58,310
Maybe buy her a wooden shoe.
105
00:08:59,910 --> 00:09:01,390
Deucey.
106
00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:05,820
Keeping that leg is kind of creepy.
107
00:09:06,220 --> 00:09:09,050
- You gotta move on with your life.
- T.J!
108
00:09:11,310 --> 00:09:12,780
Hey, Lil' Kim, what's up?
109
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,870
I no more man-whore.
Too much danger.
110
00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,180
Excuse us for a moment, Deucey.
111
00:09:21,690 --> 00:09:23,010
Listen up, Lil' Kim.
112
00:09:23,170 --> 00:09:26,350
When your little bony ass had SARS,
who got you out of quarantine?
113
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,740
- Go make me some money.
- No way!
114
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,920
I take my three inches elsewhere.
115
00:09:37,740 --> 00:09:40,000
So I thought I'd come over here
and make a killing.
116
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:42,180
Got myself a houseboat, some ho's.
117
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,530
The only thing a woman love
more than a man-ho...
118
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,050
- ...is a floating man-ho.
- Makes sense.
119
00:09:47,230 --> 00:09:49,360
Then all these man-whore
murders started.
120
00:09:49,660 --> 00:09:51,700
My he-bitches got too scared
to go to work.
121
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,400
What kind of world do we live in...
122
00:09:53,620 --> 00:09:56,270
...where the streets ain't safe
for male prostitutes?
123
00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:58,450
Here's your hashish.
124
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,540
- Enjoy.
- Hashish?
125
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:03,580
- Yeah.
- No.
126
00:10:05,790 --> 00:10:07,350
I thought this was a coffee shop.
127
00:10:07,530 --> 00:10:10,050
Let me break it down for you, Deucey.
You're in Amsterdam.
128
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:13,060
If you want coffee, you go to a café.
129
00:10:13,220 --> 00:10:17,410
If you want marijuana, ganji or some
freaky-deaky, you go to a coffee shop.
130
00:10:17,620 --> 00:10:19,370
That's where you is now.
131
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,050
Put that away. Cops. Cops!
132
00:10:30,930 --> 00:10:32,890
Hold it right there.
133
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,370
Now, that joint looks loose.
If you want, I'll roll the next one.
134
00:10:44,450 --> 00:10:46,240
Have a good evening, huh?
135
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,840
Oh, don't worry about it, Deucey.
This is Amsterdam.
136
00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:52,230
It's perfectly legal over here.
You want a hit?
137
00:10:52,410 --> 00:10:54,450
No. I'm not smoking nothing.
138
00:10:54,630 --> 00:10:55,970
Oh, come on, man.
139
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,360
- Deucey don't smoke.
- Suit yourself.
140
00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:00,980
Well, well, well,
if it ain't Heinz Hummer...
141
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,370
...the gigolo with the most below.
142
00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:05,150
What do you want, T.J? I'm busy.
143
00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,760
I wanna introduce you to my friend,
Deuce Bigalow.
144
00:11:07,890 --> 00:11:10,630
- He's a gigolo from America.
- Hi.
145
00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:16,970
Sometimes you're really funny, T.J.
146
00:11:17,150 --> 00:11:19,500
How much you getting
for a Filthy Ramirez these days?
147
00:11:19,670 --> 00:11:20,890
I could get you more.
148
00:11:21,060 --> 00:11:23,110
A Filthy Ramirez?
Where have you been?
149
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:24,980
Nobody pays for that shit anymore.
150
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:26,500
See you around, T.J.
151
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,190
The Man-whore Awards
are coming up.
152
00:11:28,370 --> 00:11:29,850
You wanna win the Golden Boner?
153
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,630
I already won it twice.
154
00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:33,500
Just ask your ex-fiancée.
155
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,460
Man, why you gotta bring up
Delisha like that?
156
00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:40,630
I can't believe prostitution's
legal here.
157
00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:43,460
Oh, yeah, it's big business.
They got a union, dental plan.
158
00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,500
Man, if I had a he-bitch
like Heinz Hummer...
159
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,510
...put me back in the game.
160
00:11:48,810 --> 00:11:50,730
- Is he that good?
- "Is he that good?"
161
00:11:50,890 --> 00:11:53,460
They don't call him "Lord
of the Wangs" for nothing.
162
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,760
Man, what I wouldn't give...
163
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:57,460
For Heinz's wang?
164
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,900
No, I don't want Heinz's wang!
I want him as a client.
165
00:12:02,630 --> 00:12:04,370
Hey, man, keep your voice down.
166
00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:07,600
Talking about me wanting
Heinz's big juicy wang.
167
00:12:07,820 --> 00:12:08,980
People would think I'm gay.
168
00:12:09,940 --> 00:12:12,290
Now, a pimp's only got
one thing in this world:
169
00:12:12,420 --> 00:12:13,990
His reputation.
170
00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:16,990
Here you are, gentlemen.
Fresh today.
171
00:12:18,380 --> 00:12:20,080
- What is this?
- Spacecake.
172
00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:23,690
- Why do they call it that?
- You know...
173
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,170
...it's what the astronauts eat.
Like Tang.
174
00:12:29,420 --> 00:12:31,300
I'm starving.
175
00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,990
- It's a little dry.
- Keep eating. It gets better.
176
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:40,470
- You sure you don't want any?
- No.
177
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,640
Never been high, never gonna be.
178
00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:46,990
This is pretty good cake, though.
179
00:12:47,870 --> 00:12:49,170
Fucking excellent.
180
00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:26,170
You.
181
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:29,960
Come on in here.
182
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,220
You...? You want me to...?
183
00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:33,870
Yes, you.
184
00:13:53,220 --> 00:13:56,010
- Maybe you can help me.
- Really?
185
00:13:56,180 --> 00:14:00,090
I don't want a man who's
chiseled and sculpted.
186
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,520
I like soft and weak.
187
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:06,920
- You do?
- I want a man who's unemployed.
188
00:14:08,310 --> 00:14:10,870
And went to a community college.
189
00:14:11,010 --> 00:14:13,440
I am, and I did.
190
00:14:13,660 --> 00:14:16,440
- You know what really turns me on?
- What?
191
00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:19,400
Is thinking about him
in his tighty whities...
192
00:14:19,490 --> 00:14:21,530
...sitting at his computer...
193
00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:24,180
...and visiting different porn sites...
194
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,920
...and taking the free tour
with no intention of ever joining.
195
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:30,710
I don't have a credit card!
196
00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:33,830
- Kiss my chest.
- Okay.
197
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,010
Harder!
198
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:38,620
- Bite me!
- You sure?
199
00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:40,180
Harder! Bite me harder!
200
00:14:42,410 --> 00:14:45,880
Get off of my titty,
you doped-up cracker!
201
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,840
No more spacecakes for you.
202
00:14:53,140 --> 00:14:57,580
Hey. I'm sorry about that, T.J.
I must have gotten a contact buzz.
203
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,880
What'd I tell you about
making me look gay?
204
00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:02,180
Not ten minutes go by
and you got your sloppy mouth...
205
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:03,880
...all over my breasteses.
206
00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:05,370
My nipple's ruined!
207
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:07,890
You're lucky I was born with a spare.
208
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:12,660
There go one of my ho's.
209
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,880
The old guy in the walker's
one of your ho's?
210
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:18,710
Yeah. Why ain't his ancient ass
out there making me my money?
211
00:15:18,970 --> 00:15:22,100
Kaiser! Get your old ass
back in the booth!
212
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,620
Deucey, meet me back
at the float-crib.
213
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,060
Bitches out here act like
they never seen a pimp before.
214
00:15:28,330 --> 00:15:32,370
I raise my hand, they look at it like
it's a goddamn croissant. Then: BAM
215
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,840
Feel my pimp hand.
216
00:15:38,370 --> 00:15:39,590
Where's the boat?
217
00:15:51,550 --> 00:15:54,290
Oh. You scared me.
218
00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:58,720
Hey. Do you know who I am?
219
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:03,370
I am Heinz Hummer. I'm the gigolo
with the most below. Okay?
220
00:16:03,590 --> 00:16:06,070
I can give you a Filthy Lopez
like you never had before.
221
00:16:06,370 --> 00:16:09,020
I could give you
a Cambodian Creamsicle...
222
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:11,420
...that will make you
scream all night. Okay?
223
00:16:11,590 --> 00:16:15,030
But not now because I'm busy.
So leave me alone, bitch.
224
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:19,980
Wait a second. Do I know you?
225
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,420
"New-jizz-fizz...
226
00:16:27,810 --> 00:16:30,590
...ver-bur-ger-king... "?
227
00:16:43,940 --> 00:16:45,560
Heinz.
228
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,420
Man, are you wasted.
229
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,070
I gotcha.
230
00:17:02,910 --> 00:17:04,860
Coming up next, more weather.
231
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,160
What's this?
232
00:17:09,990 --> 00:17:11,910
Hey, Heinz, wake up, check this out.
233
00:17:13,990 --> 00:17:15,730
Holy shit.
234
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,480
Europe just got a little better.
235
00:17:20,860 --> 00:17:23,870
Damn. That old Kaiser's got legs.
236
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:26,950
- You gotta keep your bitches in line.
- Yeah.
237
00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:30,820
- What's he doing here?
- I found him passed out in the alley.
238
00:17:31,220 --> 00:17:33,390
I couldn't just leave him there.
239
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:34,910
I put in a good word for you.
240
00:17:35,090 --> 00:17:37,470
Thanks, Deucey. Much appreciated.
241
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,740
I knew you'd come around.
242
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,520
Oh, shit. Heinz ain't passed out.
Heinz is dead.
243
00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:50,350
No. He can't be.
244
00:17:50,610 --> 00:17:54,080
I'm telling you, Heinz is dead.
See for yourself.
245
00:17:59,530 --> 00:18:00,830
Watch this.
246
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:08,700
Maybe he's just a heavy sleeper.
247
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:17,560
I can't believe you brought
a dead man-whore in my home.
248
00:18:17,740 --> 00:18:20,530
- What were you thinking?
- I didn't know you could die from pot.
249
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,390
This is no pot-related fatality.
This is no ganja accident.
250
00:18:24,610 --> 00:18:26,350
This man was murdered.
251
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,400
The Man-whore Killer did this?
252
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,130
- We gotta call the police.
- No, no, no! Hey, hey!
253
00:18:36,270 --> 00:18:37,740
Goddamn, white boy.
254
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,220
You think the police gonna believe
a stone-black pimp...
255
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,010
...had nothing to do with a dead
prosti-dude in his float-crib?
256
00:18:53,530 --> 00:18:56,350
Before I toss your dumb ass
in the canal, I just wanna say...
257
00:18:56,530 --> 00:18:58,710
...for the record,
under T.J.'s management...
258
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,840
...this would've never happened.
259
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,310
I just gotta see
what all the fuss was about.
260
00:19:11,790 --> 00:19:13,360
Goddamn!
261
00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,230
No wonder Delisha never came back.
262
00:19:16,450 --> 00:19:19,190
That shit's the real
Loch Ness monster.
263
00:19:20,890 --> 00:19:22,360
What's over there?
264
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:26,580
- Look where his hand is.
- What the shit is this?
265
00:19:27,710 --> 00:19:30,320
What you looking at?
Turn off them damn cameras!
266
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:33,190
I ain't gay! I was only
looking down his pants...
267
00:19:33,370 --> 00:19:35,620
...because I heard his schlong
was so big and juicy.
268
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,460
Wait a minute.
That didn't sound right.
269
00:19:38,670 --> 00:19:40,630
- Perv!
- Give me them damn cameras.
270
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,630
Where is he?
271
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:48,280
We now interrupt Naked Seinfeld
for this special report.
272
00:19:48,460 --> 00:19:50,020
The suspected Man-whore Killer...
273
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,370
...has been spotted
on the Prinsengracht Canal...
274
00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:54,590
...attempting to dispose
of his latest victim.
275
00:19:55,750 --> 00:19:57,720
- I ain't gay!
- The suspected killer...
276
00:19:57,850 --> 00:20:01,320
...has been identified as
Tiberius Jefferson Hicks.
277
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,460
- You idiot.
- He is still at large...
278
00:20:03,630 --> 00:20:05,070
- ... and extremely...
- Hold it!
279
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:06,890
Hey. Hey, guys! How's it going?
280
00:20:07,810 --> 00:20:09,890
- Where is he?
- I don't know.
281
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,940
- Where is he?
- I swear I don't know.
282
00:20:16,110 --> 00:20:18,630
Your loyalty is impressive, sir.
283
00:20:19,190 --> 00:20:22,500
You've once been arrested for
man-whoring, were you not?
284
00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,720
Look, I wasn't really man-whoring...
285
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:28,930
Please, Mr. Bigalow.
I've heard this a thousand times.
286
00:20:29,110 --> 00:20:31,410
You were cold, you were frightened.
287
00:20:31,550 --> 00:20:33,850
He took you under his arm
and fed you.
288
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:35,800
He made you feel sexy.
289
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:39,250
He told you how to hide money
in every orifice.
290
00:20:39,370 --> 00:20:43,070
But your friend is obviously a killer.
291
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:44,550
T.J.'s not a killer.
292
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:47,380
If he isn't a murderer...
293
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:50,510
...then what was he doing
checking out a dead man's penis?
294
00:20:51,210 --> 00:20:53,510
I guess he was curious.
295
00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:57,200
He heard it was big and juicy...
296
00:20:57,380 --> 00:20:59,680
...and wanted to see for himself.
297
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:01,200
A lot of guys do that.
298
00:21:03,590 --> 00:21:06,940
No, they don't.
299
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,820
Okay.
300
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:11,900
T.J.'s gay.
301
00:21:12,290 --> 00:21:16,210
- Really?
- Not normal-gay, but, you know...
302
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,300
...crazy-gay, you know?
303
00:21:19,940 --> 00:21:22,460
Musical-theater-gay.
304
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,070
Is that why he puts lipstick...
305
00:21:27,510 --> 00:21:30,210
...on all his victims?
306
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,000
Wait a minute.
307
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,820
In the alley, I heard
someone whistling.
308
00:21:37,250 --> 00:21:38,610
And I saw someone.
309
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,780
A woman...
310
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,600
...in a leopard coat.
311
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:51,210
People see a lot of crazy things
when they're high on spacecake.
312
00:21:51,430 --> 00:21:53,470
There's drugs in spacecake?
313
00:21:53,690 --> 00:21:57,650
Mr. Bigalow, I will find your pimp
whether you help me or not.
314
00:22:04,210 --> 00:22:06,600
- T.J., thank God you're here.
- How'd you find me?
315
00:22:06,780 --> 00:22:09,170
It's the only chicken
and waffle place in Holland.
316
00:22:09,340 --> 00:22:12,260
So a black man's gotta be
at a chicken and waffles place?
317
00:22:12,350 --> 00:22:13,780
That's racist.
318
00:22:14,430 --> 00:22:17,820
- But you are here.
- Yeah, but figuring it out is racist.
319
00:22:20,390 --> 00:22:22,830
- It's a nice place.
- Did you know Holland invented...
320
00:22:22,950 --> 00:22:25,090
- ...chicken and waffles?
- Really?
321
00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:28,180
Before that, you could only
get chicken or waffles.
322
00:22:28,390 --> 00:22:31,300
But they were the first
to put them together.
323
00:22:31,700 --> 00:22:35,390
Black people all over the world will be
forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
324
00:22:35,530 --> 00:22:37,790
You do know the Dutch
started the slave trade.
325
00:22:38,310 --> 00:22:40,520
Those motherfuckers!
326
00:22:47,010 --> 00:22:48,390
Who let them print this?
327
00:22:48,610 --> 00:22:52,570
Look, we're gonna prove
that you didn't kill anyone.
328
00:22:52,780 --> 00:22:56,050
I don't give a damn about that.
It's the "extremely gay" part.
329
00:22:56,180 --> 00:22:58,870
If I'm a murderer, they'll welcome
me home with open arms.
330
00:22:59,090 --> 00:23:00,870
Get out of jail and
become a huge rapper.
331
00:23:01,090 --> 00:23:02,570
But a gay pimp?
332
00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:05,790
- Like, where I'm going? Vermont?
- Look, T.J...
333
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,920
...I think I saw the real killer.
334
00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:09,400
It was a woman.
335
00:23:10,270 --> 00:23:12,400
Some she-john went
on a he-bitch killing spree...
336
00:23:12,490 --> 00:23:14,840
...because she wasn't satisfied
with a Filthy Lopez.
337
00:23:15,010 --> 00:23:17,700
- What's a Filthy Lopez?
- Forty bucks. Same as downtown.
338
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,930
All we do is find the she-johns that
went out with the dead gigolos.
339
00:23:21,090 --> 00:23:22,880
- One of them is our killer.
- Makes sense.
340
00:23:23,090 --> 00:23:25,400
- You gotta get back on the horse.
- Horse? What horse?
341
00:23:25,620 --> 00:23:26,840
The man-whore horse.
342
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:28,620
We gonna use your
white ass as bait.
343
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,490
Bait? Look, I'm not man-whoring.
344
00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:32,970
We'll find the killer
using your twat-sicle.
345
00:23:33,350 --> 00:23:36,880
Twat-sicle? Gross! No.
346
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:41,710
Give this to my mama.
347
00:23:42,010 --> 00:23:44,360
Tell her I'm sorry I was
a disappointment to her.
348
00:23:44,530 --> 00:23:47,150
Sorry I called her friends
in the middle of the night...
349
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,280
...when I was pleasuring myself.
350
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,450
And tell her she don't have to worry
anymore about her baby.
351
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:59,410
Even if I wanted to, how are we gonna
find a dead gigolo's customers?
352
00:23:59,580 --> 00:24:01,840
We'll go to the man-whore union.
But be careful.
353
00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:03,240
They'll be looking for me.
354
00:24:05,890 --> 00:24:09,630
Meeting of the Royal Order
of European Man-whores...
355
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,100
...is now in session.
356
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,840
These are the highest paid
he-bitches in Europe.
357
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,890
That? That's Rodrigo.
He's from Spain.
358
00:24:18,060 --> 00:24:20,410
He can tie shoelaces
with his tongue.
359
00:24:21,450 --> 00:24:23,500
That? That's Enzo. He's Italian.
360
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,980
His nutsack is insured
for a million dollars.
361
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,540
- That's 500 grand each.
- Check it out.
362
00:24:29,020 --> 00:24:30,810
That's Assapopulus from Greece.
363
00:24:30,930 --> 00:24:33,890
He can actually kiss you
with his butthole.
364
00:24:34,020 --> 00:24:35,540
I'd like to never see that.
365
00:24:35,890 --> 00:24:39,890
I'd like to say a few words about
our fallen comrade, Heinz Hummer.
366
00:24:40,110 --> 00:24:41,370
Who's the blond guy?
367
00:24:41,590 --> 00:24:44,850
Chadsworth Buckingham.
Comes from a long line of ho's.
368
00:24:45,020 --> 00:24:47,940
His great-great-great grandmother
gave Henry VIII crabs.
369
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,110
But I know Heinz would like to be
remembered for most...
370
00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:54,850
- ...was being a male prostitute.
- Hear, hear.
371
00:24:55,030 --> 00:24:57,850
He was also a supercilious cunt.
372
00:24:58,590 --> 00:25:02,290
- Who's that guy?
- Gian-Carlo. Silverback he-bitch.
373
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:05,410
Heinz Hummer was
undercutting all of us.
374
00:25:05,550 --> 00:25:07,250
- What?
- Yes.
375
00:25:07,370 --> 00:25:10,240
He was charging the same price
for straight sex...
376
00:25:10,420 --> 00:25:12,720
...as he was for a
Turkish Snow Cone.
377
00:25:12,860 --> 00:25:14,900
- What?
- Oh, yes.
378
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:19,330
He was also charging the same price
for a Belgian Steamer...
379
00:25:19,510 --> 00:25:22,680
...as he was for
a Portuguese Breakfast.
380
00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:27,470
As we sow, so shall we reap.
381
00:25:27,690 --> 00:25:30,770
Thank you, Gian-Carlo,
for those kind words.
382
00:25:30,940 --> 00:25:32,990
Until this insane killer
is apprehended...
383
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,510
...the union is going to institute
a new security measure.
384
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,330
This ring locks snugly
over your va-guy-na...
385
00:25:41,330 --> 00:25:44,470
...and then communicates directly
with a global satellite system.
386
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:48,680
There are rings of all sizes available,
smaller for our Asian members.
387
00:25:49,380 --> 00:25:50,810
Y'all know me.
388
00:25:51,810 --> 00:25:53,640
My name is McManus.
389
00:25:54,170 --> 00:25:58,780
I joined this union some
20-odd years ago for two reasons:
390
00:25:58,950 --> 00:26:01,650
To have intercourse
in exchange for cash...
391
00:26:01,820 --> 00:26:04,820
...and two, to protect me rights
as a man-whore.
392
00:26:04,990 --> 00:26:06,210
But...
393
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,860
...three years ago...
394
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:13,340
...when this union
told we man-whores...
395
00:26:13,510 --> 00:26:17,690
...that we were to stop having
intercourse with underage girls...
396
00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:20,220
...I strongly disagreed.
397
00:26:20,380 --> 00:26:22,340
But I did not stand up.
398
00:26:22,690 --> 00:26:25,830
I'm ashamed to say I stood down!
399
00:26:26,310 --> 00:26:28,520
And then three months later...
400
00:26:28,690 --> 00:26:32,040
...this union told we man-whores...
401
00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:37,650
...that we were to begin washing our
private areas between customers.
402
00:26:37,870 --> 00:26:40,300
Our private areas.
403
00:26:41,130 --> 00:26:45,080
And once again, I'm ashamed
to report to you gentlemen...
404
00:26:45,740 --> 00:26:47,040
...I stood down!
405
00:26:47,870 --> 00:26:53,000
But now, sir, for what am I
to tell my 8-year-old boy...
406
00:26:53,300 --> 00:26:55,600
...when he comes to me
and he says:
407
00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:57,700
"Daddy. Daddy.
408
00:26:57,870 --> 00:27:03,090
What's that thing hanging off
of your he-pussy?"
409
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:05,780
How am I to tell him, sir?
410
00:27:12,270 --> 00:27:14,870
Deucey, you can do this.
411
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:16,780
Due to high demand...
412
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:20,050
...each member will be
only allowed two tickets...
413
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:23,230
- ...to this year's Man-whore Awards.
- How's it going?
414
00:27:23,870 --> 00:27:27,140
I'm Deuce Bigalow.
I'm a gigolo from America.
415
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:31,660
My friend Tiberius Jefferson
is not the Man-whore Killer.
416
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,180
Homo!
417
00:27:34,270 --> 00:27:37,570
Now, I'm convinced
that the real killer...
418
00:27:38,830 --> 00:27:40,050
...is a she-john.
419
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,360
Which means any one
of you could be next.
420
00:27:46,010 --> 00:27:48,350
Now, there are a couple hundred
gigolos in this room.
421
00:27:48,530 --> 00:27:50,920
Now, if we all work together...
422
00:27:51,140 --> 00:27:53,140
...we can find out
who the real killer is.
423
00:27:54,970 --> 00:27:56,660
What do you say?
424
00:28:03,580 --> 00:28:05,440
How come you didn't
tell them I wasn't gay?
425
00:28:05,660 --> 00:28:08,620
Did you not just see me
get thrown through a window?
426
00:28:08,970 --> 00:28:10,970
- What do we do now?
- T.J. has an old friend...
427
00:28:11,150 --> 00:28:15,140
...who just might be able to help us.
Come on. Watch your step.
428
00:28:17,140 --> 00:28:18,880
Right this way, please.
429
00:28:19,410 --> 00:28:20,670
Deuce.
430
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:24,670
Antoine?
431
00:28:25,190 --> 00:28:27,240
- Sit down.
- It's good to see you.
432
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:28,620
It's been a long time.
433
00:28:34,630 --> 00:28:37,020
This is the list from
the man-whore union.
434
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,500
It's got all the clients that went out
with the dead gigolos.
435
00:28:41,670 --> 00:28:42,970
Awesome!
436
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:50,760
Please be quiet. I went through
a great deal of trouble to get this.
437
00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:53,760
- Sorry.
- Now, if you want to compete...
438
00:28:53,890 --> 00:28:55,670
...with the European man-whores...
439
00:28:55,850 --> 00:28:59,150
...you need to learn how to really
please a woman.
440
00:28:59,500 --> 00:29:02,060
- I should write some of this down.
- Go ahead.
441
00:29:02,890 --> 00:29:06,070
You must be able
to pleasure a woman with...
442
00:29:07,370 --> 00:29:08,630
With your...
443
00:29:09,500 --> 00:29:10,890
Pleasure her with...?
444
00:29:15,850 --> 00:29:17,240
Do you want me to try?
445
00:29:26,420 --> 00:29:27,630
All right.
446
00:29:28,630 --> 00:29:30,630
Women really like that?
447
00:29:40,890 --> 00:29:42,370
Man-whore down.
448
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,420
Get the list. It's in his pants.
449
00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:51,900
All right. I think I got it.
450
00:29:57,940 --> 00:30:00,460
Can't a brother stick his hand
down another man's pants...
451
00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:02,860
...without setting off
the faggot alarm?
452
00:30:05,030 --> 00:30:07,550
Marlene Alsmere.
She went out with Diego and Heinz.
453
00:30:07,770 --> 00:30:09,600
What am I gonna do
if she tries to kill me?
454
00:30:09,820 --> 00:30:12,510
Distract her with your magic she-nis,
I'll look for evidence.
455
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:14,600
The lipstick and the leopard coat.
456
00:30:19,210 --> 00:30:23,640
All right. Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.
Hi, I'm Deuce Bigalow.
457
00:30:23,820 --> 00:30:26,910
Hi, I'm Deuce-- Biggest lady
I've ever seen.
458
00:30:28,030 --> 00:30:30,170
That's a huge bitch.
459
00:30:33,780 --> 00:30:35,260
Hi.
460
00:30:38,390 --> 00:30:39,870
Cute kids. Are they yours?
461
00:30:39,990 --> 00:30:44,340
Those pictures, they come with the
frames. I'm unable to have children.
462
00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:48,390
I'm so sorry. That must be
very hard for you.
463
00:30:57,300 --> 00:30:58,740
Evidence.
464
00:31:02,570 --> 00:31:04,390
That big ho got food everywhere.
465
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:07,480
You're a nice man.
466
00:31:07,700 --> 00:31:09,870
Now, take off your clothes.
467
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,210
Don't you wanna talk a little more?
You seem very interesting.
468
00:31:13,470 --> 00:31:15,090
Take them off!
469
00:31:17,910 --> 00:31:19,600
"Dutch Bride. "
470
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,440
Baby walk to Mommy.
471
00:31:45,350 --> 00:31:47,390
Come, come.
472
00:31:47,610 --> 00:31:49,960
No! Like baby!
473
00:31:50,130 --> 00:31:53,140
Baby walk to Mommy.
474
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,350
Good baby.
475
00:32:03,180 --> 00:32:04,880
Come to Mommy.
476
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,140
Baby hungry? Want booby?
477
00:32:16,270 --> 00:32:18,180
Baby never eat again.
478
00:32:30,620 --> 00:32:33,490
You like them big hairy balls,
don't you?
479
00:32:48,710 --> 00:32:51,280
Bad pussy! Bad pussy!
480
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:56,530
Hold it!
481
00:32:56,750 --> 00:32:59,800
Hold it right there.
Is this truck full of marijuana?
482
00:32:59,930 --> 00:33:03,580
Is this truck full of marijuana?
Can't you read the sign?
483
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:06,630
No unloading pot in the red zone.
484
00:33:06,930 --> 00:33:08,490
Write him up.
485
00:33:08,670 --> 00:33:11,320
- But, sir, it's my daughter's birthday.
- Inspector.
486
00:33:11,450 --> 00:33:14,460
She's turning 13.
We need all this pot for the party.
487
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:17,890
Inspector. I got these lipsticks
from Marlene Alsmere.
488
00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:20,290
She was a customer of Heinz.
She's big and strong.
489
00:33:20,450 --> 00:33:23,410
- She could easily be the killer.
- The lipstick the killer uses...
490
00:33:23,590 --> 00:33:24,840
...is a very rare one.
491
00:33:25,020 --> 00:33:30,980
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66.
Discontinued in 1984.
492
00:33:31,110 --> 00:33:32,230
But... But...
493
00:33:32,370 --> 00:33:36,240
Sir, I have a list of the women who
went out with the murdered gigolos.
494
00:33:36,940 --> 00:33:39,760
- Will you stop doing that?
- Will you stop playing these games...
495
00:33:39,940 --> 00:33:42,550
- ...and tell me where T.J.'s hiding?
- T.J.'s innocent.
496
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:45,150
Oh, don't make me laugh.
"T.J.'s innocent."
497
00:33:46,370 --> 00:33:49,020
Uncle! You forgot your lunch.
498
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:51,640
That's very nice. Thanks.
499
00:33:57,070 --> 00:34:00,640
- Let me... Let me help you with that.
- Thank you.
500
00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:04,990
Excuse me for asking...
501
00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,290
...but why did you
slap yourself like that?
502
00:34:08,770 --> 00:34:10,420
Promise you won't laugh?
503
00:34:11,030 --> 00:34:12,280
I promise.
504
00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:17,850
I have Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder.
505
00:34:18,890 --> 00:34:22,420
I have these little rituals
that I can't help doing.
506
00:34:22,550 --> 00:34:26,120
I can't touch doorknobs,
I snap my fingers when I see a bus.
507
00:34:26,290 --> 00:34:28,990
And when someone sneezes,
I slap myself three times.
508
00:34:29,170 --> 00:34:31,510
I've heard of that. That's not so bad.
509
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,340
I'm sorry. Bells make me do that.
510
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:38,690
It got me kicked out of school.
511
00:34:38,860 --> 00:34:41,650
It's okay. Everyone's got
a few weird habits.
512
00:34:41,850 --> 00:34:45,340
Actually, I've got about 130.
513
00:34:46,460 --> 00:34:47,990
So you're above average.
514
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:50,860
I mean...
I'm Deuce.
515
00:34:52,390 --> 00:34:54,390
I'm Eva.
516
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,040
Is that a Sudanese Sweetlips?
517
00:34:57,260 --> 00:35:00,430
- How did you know?
- It's, like, my top-five favorite fish.
518
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,340
They have one
here at the aquarium.
519
00:35:03,730 --> 00:35:05,390
I heard this place is incredible.
520
00:35:10,340 --> 00:35:12,170
The doorknob?
521
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,470
I'll get it. Okay.
522
00:35:16,390 --> 00:35:18,870
Thanks. Thank you.
523
00:35:19,650 --> 00:35:21,000
He's beautiful.
524
00:35:21,860 --> 00:35:23,390
That's really good.
525
00:35:23,910 --> 00:35:25,520
Thank you.
526
00:35:37,780 --> 00:35:42,610
Excuse me, but in America they don't
allow smoking in aquariums.
527
00:35:44,260 --> 00:35:48,390
Well, in Europe, we don't unilaterally
attack a country just to steal their oil.
528
00:35:49,350 --> 00:35:50,790
What?
529
00:35:50,910 --> 00:35:54,920
"What?" Did I offend you?
Are you going to shock and awe me?
530
00:35:55,780 --> 00:35:58,870
Maybe you should check my pockets
for weapons of mass destruction!
531
00:35:59,050 --> 00:36:01,530
What? I just asked you
to put your cigarette out.
532
00:36:01,750 --> 00:36:02,960
And then what is next?
533
00:36:03,170 --> 00:36:05,180
Take wine away from my children?
534
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:09,480
I put out this cigarette.
God bless America.
535
00:36:12,130 --> 00:36:14,570
The nicotine in that cigarette
is poisonous.
536
00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:17,440
- So they say.
- It could kill every fish in that tank.
537
00:36:17,620 --> 00:36:19,360
Poor little fishy.
538
00:36:22,140 --> 00:36:25,130
Hey. Why are you with that loser?
539
00:36:35,350 --> 00:36:37,570
You have a nice ass.
540
00:36:40,790 --> 00:36:42,800
I think this belongs to you.
541
00:36:49,090 --> 00:36:50,620
You dick!
542
00:36:51,010 --> 00:36:53,580
I would like to take you from behind.
543
00:36:57,140 --> 00:37:00,090
My penis is uncircumcised.
544
00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:03,620
No head.
545
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:05,840
It's like a torpedo.
546
00:37:06,660 --> 00:37:10,490
- You pig.
- Oh, are you tired of swimming?
547
00:37:10,710 --> 00:37:14,190
Did the little fishies
not want to play with you?
548
00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:27,840
Fuck off, you Yank!
549
00:37:30,500 --> 00:37:32,410
I'm staying with
my uncle for the summer.
550
00:37:32,590 --> 00:37:34,530
Then I go back
to art school in Brussels.
551
00:37:34,930 --> 00:37:37,370
Could I take you out
for coffee sometime?
552
00:37:37,540 --> 00:37:38,940
You mean like a date?
553
00:37:39,620 --> 00:37:41,150
Well, yeah.
554
00:37:46,150 --> 00:37:48,320
Oh, the siren.
555
00:37:49,890 --> 00:37:52,540
Right. Right. Siren.
556
00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:56,500
Before I can go on a date I have to
collect five different colored tulips...
557
00:37:56,670 --> 00:38:00,370
...eat two herring and drink a beer
from a wooden shoe.
558
00:38:00,940 --> 00:38:02,940
Well, that sounds doable.
559
00:38:08,850 --> 00:38:10,370
What is it?
560
00:38:13,380 --> 00:38:14,580
The accordion player?
561
00:38:22,420 --> 00:38:24,330
The Smelly Finger Dance.
562
00:38:31,630 --> 00:38:33,630
One cheek at a time.
563
00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:38,940
Hey, guys. I need a quick gigolo fix.
What do you say?
564
00:38:40,380 --> 00:38:43,590
I'm judging a sandcastle-building
competition this afternoon...
565
00:38:43,770 --> 00:38:45,420
...so I can't help you.
566
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:49,020
The dog ate my penis.
567
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:55,370
You don't have to walk me
any further. I just work over there.
568
00:38:55,550 --> 00:38:58,290
- I don't mind.
- I'm kind of embarrassed of my job.
569
00:38:58,460 --> 00:39:01,720
I'm kind of embarrassed of my job too.
What do you do?
570
00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,290
Bye, Deuce.
571
00:39:04,950 --> 00:39:09,510
Well, well, well. If it isn't
Deuce Not-So-Big-Below.
572
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,160
It's Bigalow.
573
00:39:14,300 --> 00:39:16,510
What's your going rate, Douche?
574
00:39:16,650 --> 00:39:19,770
Well, I was getting $10.
575
00:39:21,860 --> 00:39:26,170
Okay, gigolo. Do you even know
when a woman is having an orgasm?
576
00:39:26,340 --> 00:39:28,340
Sure I know. It's when she says:
577
00:39:28,550 --> 00:39:32,640
"Please stop. It's okay. You tried.
578
00:39:33,900 --> 00:39:35,690
Now, get off me."
579
00:39:39,870 --> 00:39:42,510
I bet he doesn't even know
how to give a Sneaky Castro.
580
00:39:42,730 --> 00:39:46,960
Well, that depends. If she wants it
regular sneaky or extra sneaky.
581
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,910
There is no such thing
as an Extra Sneaky Castro.
582
00:39:51,650 --> 00:39:53,350
Is there?
583
00:39:54,210 --> 00:39:55,910
It's when you stick it in their...
584
00:39:56,130 --> 00:40:00,390
It's pretty convenient, your friend
killing off all the competition.
585
00:40:00,820 --> 00:40:03,870
I've got my eye on you, Small-Below.
586
00:40:04,050 --> 00:40:06,040
Small-Below.
587
00:40:10,610 --> 00:40:12,570
I'll be right down.
588
00:40:18,350 --> 00:40:19,610
Okay.
589
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:23,000
This is the woman
that went out with Heinz...
590
00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:25,270
...the night before
he was murdered.
591
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:31,880
Don't worry about it, Sherlock Ho.
I ain't gonna let you out of my sight.
592
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,970
Hi, you must be Lily. I'm Deuce.
593
00:40:38,130 --> 00:40:40,350
Nice to meet you.
594
00:40:51,090 --> 00:40:52,880
Would you like some bread?
595
00:40:53,090 --> 00:40:55,100
Oh, I can't have bread.
596
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,960
It makes my
esophageal lining swell up...
597
00:40:58,140 --> 00:41:00,570
...and could block my throat-hole.
598
00:41:01,610 --> 00:41:03,620
- Excuse me for a second.
- Sure.
599
00:41:10,050 --> 00:41:12,490
Pardon me. I had to clear.
600
00:41:13,490 --> 00:41:15,010
Yeah.
601
00:41:16,270 --> 00:41:18,740
- So, what do you do?
- I just got fired.
602
00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:21,790
- I'm sorry.
- I was a phone-sex operator.
603
00:41:23,570 --> 00:41:27,660
I only lasted a week.
They were jealous of me.
604
00:41:28,840 --> 00:41:31,710
I heard that Heinz Hummer
had a bit of a jealous streak.
605
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,580
I bet you're glad he's dead.
606
00:41:33,790 --> 00:41:38,580
Heinz was the most
gentle man I ever knew.
607
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:42,620
I miss him and his mangina.
608
00:41:44,540 --> 00:41:46,630
I can't take it anymore.
609
00:41:48,450 --> 00:41:51,360
I'm sorry. I can see that
you really liked Heinz.
610
00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:55,930
- Here, let me get that for you.
- Thanks.
611
00:42:02,670 --> 00:42:05,620
- Let's go.
- I think I'm gonna puke.
612
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:08,890
I started smoking again
when I lost my job.
613
00:42:09,110 --> 00:42:12,760
If I don't find another one pretty soon,
I'm gonna lose my house.
614
00:42:12,930 --> 00:42:15,540
Well, we'll just have to find
you a new one.
615
00:42:16,100 --> 00:42:19,930
- Relax. Have some wine.
- Thanks.
616
00:42:33,070 --> 00:42:35,590
I don't normally drink red wine so...
617
00:42:37,070 --> 00:42:38,500
I have hiccups.
618
00:42:41,550 --> 00:42:44,670
- Gone down the wrong hole, I think.
- Check, please.
619
00:42:46,330 --> 00:42:49,680
Deuce, I can't thank you enough.
620
00:42:49,860 --> 00:42:53,420
It's good for you, it's good for them.
I'm just glad it worked out.
621
00:42:55,670 --> 00:42:59,110
- I better get to work.
- I'll be hearing from you.
622
00:42:59,290 --> 00:43:00,810
Okay.
623
00:43:03,020 --> 00:43:07,370
The white zone is for loading
and unloading of vehicles only.
624
00:43:07,550 --> 00:43:10,030
There is no parking
in the white zone.
625
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:13,120
Thanks, Deuce. I had fun last night.
626
00:43:13,340 --> 00:43:14,550
The white zone...
627
00:43:15,860 --> 00:43:18,370
I am Rodrigo Bollas de Madera.
628
00:43:19,590 --> 00:43:23,680
I am here for my 12:30
ass-hair bleaching.
629
00:43:23,860 --> 00:43:25,770
Okay. How blond do you wanna go?
630
00:43:27,380 --> 00:43:28,810
Gwyneth.
631
00:43:29,550 --> 00:43:30,810
Good choice.
632
00:43:42,390 --> 00:43:43,690
Oh, hey.
633
00:43:43,860 --> 00:43:48,040
I got a real Janeane Garofalo
situation back there, so go for it.
634
00:43:53,870 --> 00:43:56,470
So, Enzo...
635
00:43:56,690 --> 00:43:59,080
...got any she-johns
lined up for tonight?
636
00:43:59,260 --> 00:44:02,600
Well, I did a Chili Rainbow
last night so I'm exhausted.
637
00:44:02,780 --> 00:44:06,030
What about you, Assapopulus?
638
00:44:06,210 --> 00:44:08,520
I've got the herpes so...
639
00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:10,260
What are you gonna do?
640
00:44:12,170 --> 00:44:13,340
Liar!
641
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:16,350
- Mahmoud!
- What's your excuse?
642
00:44:16,570 --> 00:44:19,690
I just realized I'm gay.
643
00:44:21,650 --> 00:44:24,170
Any of you guys want a blowjob?
644
00:44:26,470 --> 00:44:27,950
I do.
645
00:44:29,350 --> 00:44:31,000
Well...
646
00:44:31,170 --> 00:44:35,560
Okay, then. I better go
put that penis in my mouth.
647
00:44:35,700 --> 00:44:38,000
You're all afraid
of the Man-whore Killer.
648
00:44:38,220 --> 00:44:39,650
- No. Come on.
- No, we're not.
649
00:44:39,790 --> 00:44:42,740
- Get down!
- I don't wanna die!
650
00:44:43,090 --> 00:44:46,000
You really should find
a better hiding place.
651
00:44:47,130 --> 00:44:48,740
Oh, you haven't heard.
652
00:44:49,570 --> 00:44:52,570
- Rodrigo's been killed.
- No.
653
00:44:52,790 --> 00:44:56,040
Oh, my God, why? He was just
having his ass hair bleached.
654
00:44:56,180 --> 00:44:58,570
He got much more than that,
I can assure you.
655
00:45:02,130 --> 00:45:05,050
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm very happy that Scotland Yard...
656
00:45:05,220 --> 00:45:09,300
...has now joined the search
for the gay killer, Tiberius Jefferson.
657
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:10,920
Thank you very much.
658
00:45:12,050 --> 00:45:15,350
So how about this next one?
Svetlana Revenko.
659
00:45:15,750 --> 00:45:18,270
The Russian women are
a little freaky down below.
660
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:21,840
Hair start in the front,
don't end till it get to the back.
661
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:24,050
So if you gotta give
a little mouth-to-south...
662
00:45:24,270 --> 00:45:26,050
...put a clothespin on your nose.
663
00:45:26,710 --> 00:45:28,180
I'll keep that in mind.
664
00:45:30,700 --> 00:45:32,580
Wish me luck.
665
00:45:32,700 --> 00:45:35,790
Gasov. You mind changing that
to the weather channel?
666
00:45:38,830 --> 00:45:40,530
It's gonna be cold tomorrow.
667
00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:45,320
I have been waiting for you,
Mr. Bigalow.
668
00:45:49,450 --> 00:45:53,230
Aren't you afraid to work with the
Man-whore Killer on the loose?
669
00:45:53,580 --> 00:45:54,800
What do you know about it?
670
00:45:54,960 --> 00:45:58,270
Apparently there's some maniac
who's killing them all.
671
00:45:58,410 --> 00:46:00,830
Some people say they deserve it.
What do you think?
672
00:46:01,010 --> 00:46:04,320
I think everything
happens for reason.
673
00:46:05,180 --> 00:46:07,800
You're probably wondering
why I'm wearing this veil.
674
00:46:08,060 --> 00:46:11,970
I wasn't, but if you
wanna talk about it, cool.
675
00:46:12,190 --> 00:46:13,530
I grew up in Chernobyl.
676
00:46:13,710 --> 00:46:14,930
Chernobyl.
677
00:46:15,970 --> 00:46:18,320
- What a pretty name.
- My mother...
678
00:46:18,500 --> 00:46:22,320
...she work in nuclear reactor
when she was pregnant with me.
679
00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:27,500
Instead of a nose, I was born
with an appendage on my face.
680
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:31,320
A male appendage.
681
00:46:33,760 --> 00:46:35,110
No shit?
682
00:46:36,110 --> 00:46:40,320
I have always been a little
self-conscious about it.
683
00:46:40,460 --> 00:46:42,840
Well, you shouldn't. I mean...
684
00:46:42,980 --> 00:46:48,330
A lot of women would love
to have a guy's dick on their face.
685
00:46:48,450 --> 00:46:50,630
Yours is just permanent.
686
00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:54,410
You are sweet.
687
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:57,930
And very handsome
for an American.
688
00:47:01,330 --> 00:47:02,850
I like you.
689
00:47:10,630 --> 00:47:13,810
I would love to hear
some Latin music.
690
00:47:13,940 --> 00:47:16,280
Well, I'll see if the penis knows any.
691
00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:19,770
I mean the pianist.
692
00:47:20,470 --> 00:47:22,460
The guy playing the piano.
693
00:47:24,110 --> 00:47:27,810
The band has started.
Aren't we lucky?
694
00:47:47,030 --> 00:47:48,860
Damn, no lipstick.
695
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:52,160
- You smell nice. What is it?
- It's Old Nice.
696
00:47:53,250 --> 00:47:55,590
It's a knockoff of Old Spice.
697
00:47:55,770 --> 00:47:59,990
I like it, but I think
it makes me sneeze.
698
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:02,200
What happens when you sneeze?
699
00:48:04,550 --> 00:48:06,690
Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry.
700
00:48:07,650 --> 00:48:11,210
Oh, good Lord.
Now is a good time to turn.
701
00:48:22,340 --> 00:48:23,780
Hi.
702
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:37,860
How long are you going
to be staying in Holland?
703
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:40,250
Only until I can prove
my friend T.J.'s innocent.
704
00:48:40,690 --> 00:48:42,780
Is there someone waiting
for you back home?
705
00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:45,600
It's kind of hard to explain.
706
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:48,740
Would you like to meet her?
707
00:48:49,390 --> 00:48:51,090
She's here in Amsterdam?
708
00:48:52,090 --> 00:48:53,910
It's my wife.
709
00:48:55,820 --> 00:48:58,390
I got her right here in my duffle bag.
710
00:49:03,790 --> 00:49:06,570
Kate, this is my new friend, Eva.
711
00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:10,600
She passed away
a couple of years ago...
712
00:49:10,820 --> 00:49:12,960
...and this is all I have left
of her and I...
713
00:49:18,350 --> 00:49:20,400
Nice to meet you.
714
00:49:20,610 --> 00:49:25,790
She was very lucky to have
someone so devoted to her.
715
00:49:42,090 --> 00:49:44,360
Hey, can I see you
when you get off work?
716
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:48,440
Oh, you know, I'd really love to,
but I'm going to be so tired.
717
00:49:48,570 --> 00:49:50,530
- Bye.
- Okay.
718
00:50:03,050 --> 00:50:05,050
Eva. Eva.
719
00:50:05,840 --> 00:50:09,060
Did you just kiss me nine times
because of your OCD?
720
00:50:09,220 --> 00:50:11,880
No. It's because I like you.
721
00:50:13,790 --> 00:50:15,190
Excuse us, coming through.
722
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:20,840
What are they doing
in there, anyway?
723
00:50:21,450 --> 00:50:23,230
They're making a movie.
724
00:50:23,360 --> 00:50:25,830
Cool. What kind of movie?
725
00:50:31,240 --> 00:50:33,670
- I better get to work.
- Okay.
726
00:50:33,930 --> 00:50:36,450
In there? You work in there?
727
00:50:37,370 --> 00:50:40,490
- Yeah. Well...
- Hi, Eva. Great work yesterday.
728
00:50:40,670 --> 00:50:42,840
- Thank you.
- Eva. Eva. Listen...
729
00:50:42,980 --> 00:50:46,450
...we really need you on the set.
All the guys are waiting.
730
00:50:46,670 --> 00:50:49,930
- All the guys?
- Yeah. I can't keep them waiting.
731
00:50:50,110 --> 00:50:51,360
Bye, Deuce.
732
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:54,880
I'll put your name on the list.
733
00:51:10,930 --> 00:51:12,410
Hey, whoa, whoa.
734
00:51:12,630 --> 00:51:14,370
Back of the line, buddy.
735
00:51:14,590 --> 00:51:17,280
Trust me, she's worth the wait.
736
00:51:21,330 --> 00:51:22,930
It's a closed set,
you can't come in.
737
00:51:23,150 --> 00:51:24,500
Like hell I can't.
738
00:51:25,980 --> 00:51:27,760
Get off her, you little freak!
739
00:51:36,240 --> 00:51:37,940
Eva, you don't have to do this.
740
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:44,200
Hey, I agreed to one midget,
not two!
741
00:51:46,890 --> 00:51:48,460
Deuce?
742
00:51:49,380 --> 00:51:51,160
Eva, you don't have to do this.
743
00:51:51,600 --> 00:51:52,860
Do what?
744
00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:55,810
- This.
- What?
745
00:51:57,510 --> 00:51:59,030
This.
746
00:52:01,860 --> 00:52:03,280
You painted that?
747
00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:06,160
I'm a scenic artist.
748
00:52:06,330 --> 00:52:08,590
So that's what you do here.
749
00:52:11,810 --> 00:52:13,860
Hey, little friend.
I guess I owe you a big...
750
00:52:17,680 --> 00:52:20,430
Stoner Steve here! Who wants
to get high? Stoner Steve!
751
00:52:20,640 --> 00:52:22,860
- T.J., is that you?
- Quiet, you dumb prosti-dude.
752
00:52:22,990 --> 00:52:25,460
I've went out with every girl
on that list in Holland.
753
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,770
- Find the rest of those bitches.
- Those women live in other countries.
754
00:52:28,950 --> 00:52:33,210
Goddamn, white boy! Pack up that
snatch-pole and go find the real killer!
755
00:52:33,340 --> 00:52:35,990
Stoner Steve! Stoner Steve Café!
756
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:48,210
Hi.
757
00:52:49,640 --> 00:52:50,730
Hi.
758
00:53:53,170 --> 00:53:54,650
Hey, look at that.
759
00:53:54,830 --> 00:53:56,350
Look at that, right there.
760
00:54:07,740 --> 00:54:09,140
Are you sure?
761
00:54:39,750 --> 00:54:41,050
T.J., there you are.
762
00:54:41,230 --> 00:54:43,440
The girl with the giant ears
heard Heinz talking...
763
00:54:43,660 --> 00:54:47,060
...about some photo in the man-whore
society. We gotta get in there.
764
00:54:47,230 --> 00:54:50,490
- Why aren't you in disguise?
- I'm in disguise.
765
00:54:51,150 --> 00:54:52,670
I'm in blackface.
766
00:54:53,540 --> 00:54:55,500
- But you're black.
- Yeah, but I'm disguised...
767
00:54:55,700 --> 00:54:57,450
...as a different black guy.
768
00:54:57,620 --> 00:54:59,620
- You look the same.
- What you trying to say?
769
00:54:59,840 --> 00:55:02,010
- We all look alike?
- No, that's not it.
770
00:55:02,190 --> 00:55:05,450
You're such a racist. I got half a mind
to stop helping you save me.
771
00:55:05,620 --> 00:55:07,500
Come on. Jeez, let's go.
772
00:55:14,150 --> 00:55:17,760
Excuse me. This is a private club.
Man-whores only.
773
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:20,840
Hey, I'm a real good man-whore.
Just go ask your mama.
774
00:55:22,890 --> 00:55:25,590
Still. I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
775
00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:28,460
That's what your mama said
after I bang her.
776
00:55:30,980 --> 00:55:32,320
Okay, that's it.
777
00:55:32,540 --> 00:55:33,970
Go, go, go!
778
00:55:39,320 --> 00:55:41,630
Hey, your mama is in here.
779
00:55:41,800 --> 00:55:43,580
It's okay. I know
what I'm talking about.
780
00:55:43,760 --> 00:55:47,330
If you're going to stick two in there,
you're gonna need a lot of lubricant.
781
00:55:47,710 --> 00:55:49,670
I know what I'm talking about, huh?
782
00:55:49,850 --> 00:55:51,500
Okay, I gotta go now, Ma.
783
00:56:19,940 --> 00:56:21,680
Hey, this thing is locked.
784
00:56:30,640 --> 00:56:33,850
Man! I only heard about this place.
785
00:56:34,070 --> 00:56:36,860
This is where
man-whoring all started.
786
00:56:38,420 --> 00:56:40,820
Check it out. You know who this is?
787
00:56:40,940 --> 00:56:43,380
He was the first guy
to keep from shooting his load...
788
00:56:43,510 --> 00:56:44,770
...by thinking about sports.
789
00:56:47,250 --> 00:56:50,510
This guy, here?
Baron Von Doggy Style.
790
00:56:50,680 --> 00:56:53,250
Led a pimping expedition
to the Arctic Circle.
791
00:56:53,420 --> 00:56:55,950
Froze to death
sixty-nining a moose.
792
00:56:56,170 --> 00:56:59,210
The only thing left of him
is this stick...
793
00:56:59,380 --> 00:57:02,520
...which he used
to bitch-slap Eskimos.
794
00:57:07,470 --> 00:57:10,820
Now, this brother here,
Kunta Kuntlicker.
795
00:57:11,340 --> 00:57:14,080
He's the Jackie Robinson
of ass-eating.
796
00:57:16,910 --> 00:57:18,430
Vladmir Suckmeov.
797
00:57:19,030 --> 00:57:21,650
The first man-ho in space.
They were studying...
798
00:57:21,860 --> 00:57:24,170
...the effects of zero gravity
on the reach-around.
799
00:57:24,340 --> 00:57:28,260
- Will you cut it out?
- I'm sorry. This is my Graceland.
800
00:57:30,770 --> 00:57:33,210
Hey. Wait a minute.
Hey, check this out.
801
00:57:34,820 --> 00:57:38,560
That's the blond lady with the
leopard coat. This must be the killer.
802
00:57:40,390 --> 00:57:43,050
So, what are you going to wear
to the Man-whore Awards?
803
00:57:43,250 --> 00:57:46,700
I thought I'd go with a tux and satin
chaps with my ass-plug cuff link...
804
00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:51,260
- You left the trophy case open again.
- Whoa, papa, that wasn't me.
805
00:57:51,430 --> 00:57:52,870
Deucey.
806
00:57:53,830 --> 00:57:56,430
- I gotta fart.
- You gotta what?
807
00:57:56,650 --> 00:57:59,130
- I gotta fart.
- Well, hold it.
808
00:58:01,440 --> 00:58:02,740
I hear something.
809
00:58:06,270 --> 00:58:09,440
I think the building is squeaking.
810
00:58:09,740 --> 00:58:11,340
Maybe it's a bird.
811
00:58:17,830 --> 00:58:19,390
You idiot!
812
00:58:23,040 --> 00:58:24,570
- Go.
- Bigalow!
813
00:58:25,480 --> 00:58:27,910
Security! Stop them!
814
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:31,530
T.J.
815
00:58:44,660 --> 00:58:46,620
- Move the curtain!
- What the hell?
816
00:58:46,740 --> 00:58:48,360
Somebody smoked a he-bitch!
817
00:58:50,830 --> 00:58:53,400
- Enzo? He kill Enzo.
- No, no, I didn't do it.
818
00:58:53,620 --> 00:58:55,620
What is that?
819
00:58:56,700 --> 00:58:59,140
That is not a dick in my hand.
820
00:58:59,320 --> 00:59:03,350
Anybody got some antibacterial gel?
I got burnt dick on my hand.
821
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:13,270
Eva. Eva.
822
00:59:13,410 --> 00:59:15,750
- I'm in the shower.
- T.J.'s been arrested.
823
00:59:15,890 --> 00:59:18,320
I can't hear you!
I'll be out in a minute!
824
00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:22,100
In his gayest murder yet, the
homosexual Man-whore Killer...
825
00:59:22,320 --> 00:59:24,930
...murdered famed gigolo
Enzo Giarraputo.
826
00:59:25,450 --> 00:59:29,800
Our meteorologist Truus is sick today.
Filling in is Henk van de Berg.
827
01:00:19,020 --> 01:00:21,850
What's the matter?
Why are you looking at me like that?
828
01:00:22,020 --> 01:00:23,550
Like what?
829
01:00:34,370 --> 01:00:37,330
I'll get that. I was a
Boy Scout for almost a week.
830
01:00:39,640 --> 01:00:41,420
So is your uncle home?
831
01:00:41,980 --> 01:00:44,980
No. We're completely alone.
832
01:00:46,250 --> 01:00:47,940
Would you like some cheese?
833
01:00:48,070 --> 01:00:49,460
I'm lactose intolerant.
834
01:00:50,110 --> 01:00:52,080
Why are you so jumpy?
835
01:00:52,600 --> 01:00:54,380
Maybe I can help you relax.
836
01:00:59,070 --> 01:01:00,810
You're shaking.
837
01:01:02,420 --> 01:01:03,940
Maybe it's because I'm cold.
838
01:01:04,420 --> 01:01:06,080
I can fix that.
839
01:01:06,640 --> 01:01:08,510
Why don't you pour us a drink.
840
01:01:13,550 --> 01:01:17,120
So I guess we're all alone, huh?
841
01:01:18,860 --> 01:01:20,330
Yes.
842
01:01:21,810 --> 01:01:24,120
Deuce. You're scaring me.
843
01:01:24,820 --> 01:01:26,080
Eva.
844
01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:33,470
Listen, everything I'm about to do
is because I really care for you.
845
01:01:34,120 --> 01:01:35,470
Oh, Deuce.
846
01:01:35,900 --> 01:01:37,340
Now, I don't know why...
847
01:01:39,120 --> 01:01:43,170
I don't know why you've done this, but
I'm gonna give you everything I've got.
848
01:02:10,820 --> 01:02:12,220
Deuce?
849
01:02:21,830 --> 01:02:23,740
- Don't go in there. Stop!
- Gaspar. Gaspar.
850
01:02:23,870 --> 01:02:27,260
I know who the killer is.
I know who the killer is.
851
01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:35,260
I know who the killer is.
852
01:02:35,400 --> 01:02:38,480
I knew sooner or later
someone would figure it out.
853
01:02:43,790 --> 01:02:46,090
I'm sorry I have to be
the one to tell you.
854
01:02:50,920 --> 01:02:52,490
It's Eva.
855
01:02:53,870 --> 01:02:55,570
It's Eva?
856
01:02:57,440 --> 01:02:59,520
You mean my niece Eva?
857
01:02:59,740 --> 01:03:01,740
I know it sounds crazy...
858
01:03:01,920 --> 01:03:04,870
...but I found the lipstick.
The same lipstick the killer used.
859
01:03:05,050 --> 01:03:09,000
Shimmer Lavender Love number 66,
at your house.
860
01:03:09,180 --> 01:03:13,050
And you found it in the pocket
of a trench coat hanging in the closet?
861
01:03:13,270 --> 01:03:17,190
Exactly. Plus, I heard her whistling the
same song I heard the killer whistle.
862
01:03:17,350 --> 01:03:18,750
Like:
863
01:03:25,830 --> 01:03:28,410
Now, you tell me.
Why would anyone but the killer...
864
01:03:28,610 --> 01:03:31,970
...be whistling that specific song?
The odds would be astronomical.
865
01:03:32,140 --> 01:03:33,920
Maybe the song
got stuck in her head...
866
01:03:34,100 --> 01:03:36,450
...because she overheard
the real killer whistling it.
867
01:03:36,660 --> 01:03:38,710
And maybe the real killer
is someone...
868
01:03:39,750 --> 01:03:43,320
...very near and dear to her,
though she doesn't realize.
869
01:03:44,760 --> 01:03:48,620
Sure. Or maybe the Hamburglar did it
and escaped with the Great Pumpkin.
870
01:03:49,270 --> 01:03:52,530
Look, I understand this must be
very difficult for you...
871
01:03:52,710 --> 01:03:55,360
...to be out-thunk
by a civilian like myself.
872
01:03:55,540 --> 01:03:57,580
But we have to put
our egos aside right now...
873
01:03:57,710 --> 01:03:59,190
...and do what's best for Eva.
874
01:03:59,360 --> 01:04:01,410
She's clearly ill
and she needs our help.
875
01:04:01,630 --> 01:04:03,050
You're absolutely right.
876
01:04:03,230 --> 01:04:06,580
You know, the only thing
I can't think of is motive.
877
01:04:06,710 --> 01:04:08,920
I mean, what could she
have against man-whores?
878
01:04:09,140 --> 01:04:13,710
Maybe because they represent
a decline of this once glorious city...
879
01:04:13,850 --> 01:04:16,930
...which has become a new Sodom
and Gomorrah for rich college kids...
880
01:04:17,100 --> 01:04:20,240
...to smoke hash, to fornicate
with Venezuelan hookers...
881
01:04:20,360 --> 01:04:24,370
...or to defecate on our
historic cobblestone streets.
882
01:04:24,590 --> 01:04:27,110
They don't defecate on the streets.
883
01:04:32,200 --> 01:04:35,590
Well, how do you know he's a tourist?
I mean, he could be a local.
884
01:04:40,980 --> 01:04:42,370
Where is Eva now?
885
01:04:43,580 --> 01:04:45,370
She's at your house.
886
01:04:45,500 --> 01:04:47,150
Good.
887
01:04:54,500 --> 01:04:56,680
Do you really think you need
all those weapons?
888
01:04:56,810 --> 01:04:58,890
She doesn't seem that dangerous.
889
01:04:59,110 --> 01:05:02,890
- You're not gonna hurt her, are you?
- You can never be too careful.
890
01:05:04,850 --> 01:05:08,680
- That poor guy.
- What a dipshit.
891
01:05:09,460 --> 01:05:11,200
Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men
of Europe can breathe easy...
892
01:05:11,250 --> 01:05:12,940
Tonight, the sexually-inadequate men
of Europe can breathe easy...
893
01:05:13,110 --> 01:05:17,080
...safe in the knowledge that all
of the continent's finest gigolos...
894
01:05:17,240 --> 01:05:20,550
...are right here under one roof,
all asking:
895
01:05:20,770 --> 01:05:24,730
"Who is gonna walk away
with the Golden Boner?"
896
01:05:24,850 --> 01:05:28,500
In this car, we have Assapopulus
and his date for the evening.
897
01:05:28,680 --> 01:05:30,240
- Damn it.
- His mother.
898
01:05:30,290 --> 01:05:34,290
She's the woman that made me
start into prostitution...
899
01:05:34,370 --> 01:05:37,550
...made me go into prostitution.
I wanted to become a doctor, but...
900
01:05:37,770 --> 01:05:39,640
Uncle, you home?
901
01:05:40,600 --> 01:05:43,600
What a beautiful couple,
mother and man-whore.
902
01:05:44,990 --> 01:05:46,910
"Man-Whore Awards"?
903
01:05:47,550 --> 01:05:50,380
Please welcome your host for this
evening. Johnny Vaughan.
904
01:05:50,560 --> 01:05:55,030
Thank you very much. Can I just say,
ladies, gentlemen, man-whores...
905
01:05:55,250 --> 01:06:00,030
...a night where we celebrate guys
who can get wood no matter what.
906
01:06:00,250 --> 01:06:02,080
Do you know,
they have gay-pride days.
907
01:06:02,300 --> 01:06:04,600
- Oh, my God.
- Yes.
908
01:06:07,300 --> 01:06:10,650
- I'm going to kill them all.
- But why?
909
01:06:10,860 --> 01:06:13,900
Don't you see what's happening
to our country?
910
01:06:18,600 --> 01:06:20,950
But it's murder.
911
01:06:22,610 --> 01:06:27,300
During the final number, when these
man-whores are gathered on-stage...
912
01:06:27,430 --> 01:06:29,820
...I push this little button and:
913
01:06:31,090 --> 01:06:33,250
Bye-bye, gigolos.
914
01:06:33,390 --> 01:06:38,040
Shouldn't be that hard to pin the crime
on your good friend Deuce Bigalow.
915
01:06:38,220 --> 01:06:39,430
I won't let you!
916
01:06:42,300 --> 01:06:44,350
If you wanna stop me...
917
01:06:47,000 --> 01:06:50,340
...it's as simple as touching
this doorknob.
918
01:06:56,130 --> 01:06:59,090
- Where's Eva?
- Eva's gone to the Man-whore Awards.
919
01:06:59,260 --> 01:07:01,780
- I'm going there too.
- I'm coming with you.
920
01:07:02,440 --> 01:07:05,830
Yes. Yes, you should be there too.
921
01:07:20,180 --> 01:07:21,440
Now let me give you all
the lowdown on T.J.
922
01:07:21,480 --> 01:07:22,740
Now let me give you all
the lowdown on T.J.
923
01:07:22,920 --> 01:07:28,130
In Thailand, I got a job in a carnival
sideshow, eating broken glass.
924
01:07:28,310 --> 01:07:32,010
We did six shows a day.
That's a lot of broken glass.
925
01:07:32,220 --> 01:07:35,520
And it's all collected in the lining
of my anus.
926
01:07:36,180 --> 01:07:40,050
My ass is like one big,
nasty cheese grater.
927
01:07:42,050 --> 01:07:45,010
Here to perform his signature move,
the Chili Rainbow...
928
01:07:45,180 --> 01:07:49,700
...would you please welcome
Assapopulus Borealis.
929
01:08:13,530 --> 01:08:14,970
Deuce!
930
01:08:15,150 --> 01:08:16,790
Deuce! Right here!
931
01:08:16,970 --> 01:08:19,280
- Hey, Eva's right behind us.
- Deuce, stop!
932
01:08:21,880 --> 01:08:23,840
What are you doing?
She's right back there.
933
01:08:25,100 --> 01:08:27,050
- He's the killer!
- What?
934
01:08:27,270 --> 01:08:28,670
You're with the killer!
935
01:08:28,840 --> 01:08:31,320
- I'm with the dealer?
- He's the Man-whore Killer!
936
01:08:31,540 --> 01:08:33,360
Eighteen-wheeler?
937
01:08:34,240 --> 01:08:35,620
My uncle is the killer!
938
01:08:36,410 --> 01:08:39,330
Oh! I'm with the... You're the k...
939
01:08:39,490 --> 01:08:42,930
She says that I am the killer,
you stupido.
940
01:08:48,670 --> 01:08:50,970
But why? What did man-whores
ever do to you?
941
01:08:51,110 --> 01:08:52,850
What did they do to me?
942
01:08:54,240 --> 01:08:57,670
All my life I dreamed
of being one thing: A gigolo.
943
01:08:57,840 --> 01:09:00,190
Yes, me. Gaspar Voorsboch.
944
01:09:01,550 --> 01:09:04,930
I'll never forget that day. Never.
945
01:09:05,150 --> 01:09:07,900
It was my first semester
at Man-whore University.
946
01:09:08,060 --> 01:09:09,420
Now, today, class...
947
01:09:09,630 --> 01:09:14,290
...we shall learn how to give a lady
a proper Portuguese Breakfast.
948
01:09:14,450 --> 01:09:16,940
You take an egg and you crack it.
949
01:09:17,460 --> 01:09:19,500
You mix them up.
950
01:09:19,680 --> 01:09:22,630
Now, this is a good chance
to sweet-talk the client.
951
01:09:23,030 --> 01:09:25,290
- And?
- And we pour that in there.
952
01:09:25,410 --> 01:09:29,070
- Beautiful. Very nice, now. And...
- And don't forget the Canadian bacon.
953
01:09:29,280 --> 01:09:30,900
Canadian bacon.
I was getting to that.
954
01:09:31,120 --> 01:09:33,370
- What are you doing?
- It's a penis enlarger.
955
01:09:33,550 --> 01:09:35,670
Just a few pumps
and it gets your thing bigger.
956
01:09:35,850 --> 01:09:37,850
You mind if I give myself
a few pumps?
957
01:09:37,990 --> 01:09:39,330
Go nuts.
958
01:09:39,460 --> 01:09:41,680
There we go. So there you have it.
959
01:09:41,860 --> 01:09:45,250
Tell me. How was your
Portuguese Breakfast?
960
01:09:45,420 --> 01:09:46,940
Delicious.
961
01:09:47,110 --> 01:09:49,330
- Elsa?
- Gaspar?
962
01:09:56,420 --> 01:09:58,210
They knew she was my fiancée.
963
01:09:58,330 --> 01:10:00,810
And tonight I will get my revenge.
964
01:10:07,810 --> 01:10:09,330
Leave it!
965
01:10:20,810 --> 01:10:23,860
I'm from Canada and I'm wasted!
966
01:10:26,080 --> 01:10:27,340
- Are you all right?
- Yeah.
967
01:10:27,560 --> 01:10:29,520
- Are you okay?
- Stop! Stop!
968
01:10:29,730 --> 01:10:31,340
Police business.
969
01:10:31,950 --> 01:10:33,290
Come on, we gotta stop him.
970
01:10:34,550 --> 01:10:37,040
Stop! Stop! Man-whore business.
971
01:10:37,170 --> 01:10:39,820
Before we present the award for
Man-whore of the Year...
972
01:10:40,040 --> 01:10:44,130
...let's take a moment to honor those
gigolos who have recently passed.
973
01:11:03,220 --> 01:11:06,080
Hey, Daddy. I was looking in your
underwear drawer and I found...
974
01:11:06,300 --> 01:11:07,870
...this bracelet.
975
01:11:08,870 --> 01:11:11,960
Holy mother of God.
That's not a bracelet, boy.
976
01:11:12,170 --> 01:11:15,910
That is a device that your daddy
has to wear on his he...
977
01:11:16,260 --> 01:11:17,430
His he...
978
01:11:17,690 --> 01:11:19,830
His he...
979
01:11:21,170 --> 01:11:23,440
Happy birthday, son,
you got a bracelet.
980
01:11:23,650 --> 01:11:24,920
Great.
981
01:11:26,700 --> 01:11:27,920
Let's go. Come on.
982
01:11:28,040 --> 01:11:29,910
Now the award you've all
been waiting for:
983
01:11:30,090 --> 01:11:31,570
The Man-whore of the Year.
984
01:11:31,790 --> 01:11:34,520
Listen. Go get help. I'll get
all the gigolos off the stage.
985
01:11:34,740 --> 01:11:36,660
Okay. Good luck.
986
01:11:37,300 --> 01:11:38,560
Excuse me.
987
01:11:38,780 --> 01:11:41,310
You have to get off the stage
now or you'll all be killed!
988
01:11:41,480 --> 01:11:44,310
Get the hell out of here, Douche,
before I have you thrown out.
989
01:11:44,390 --> 01:11:47,090
- There's a bomb on the stage!
- You idiot.
990
01:11:47,260 --> 01:11:49,000
You're all gonna die!
991
01:11:50,000 --> 01:11:52,180
I'm the Man-whore Killer.
This is a bomb!
992
01:11:52,350 --> 01:11:55,700
Everybody out!
Everybody get out!
993
01:11:55,830 --> 01:11:57,610
You gotta get out of here!
994
01:12:02,790 --> 01:12:05,790
You'll die with the rest
of them, Bigalow.
995
01:12:08,140 --> 01:12:11,530
Those gigolos robbed me
of my manhood.
996
01:12:11,700 --> 01:12:15,920
I was never able to satisfy a woman.
I'll see to it that they won't either.
997
01:12:21,050 --> 01:12:25,360
You don't have to kill anyone, Gaspar.
Because you can please a woman.
998
01:12:26,750 --> 01:12:29,010
Those gigolos don't know
what they're talking about.
999
01:12:29,230 --> 01:12:31,190
Is he talking about us?
1000
01:12:35,360 --> 01:12:37,060
Do you really think
all a woman wants...
1001
01:12:37,270 --> 01:12:39,270
...is some guy to give her
a Mud Pretzel...
1002
01:12:39,410 --> 01:12:42,580
...or Turkish Snow Cone
or an Irish Facial?
1003
01:12:43,840 --> 01:12:46,620
- Yes, they do, liar.
- No, they don't.
1004
01:12:47,540 --> 01:12:51,370
A woman wants a guy who'll ask her
about her day and really listen to her.
1005
01:12:51,580 --> 01:12:53,530
- Or at least pretend to.
- Yes.
1006
01:12:53,930 --> 01:12:55,410
What?
1007
01:12:55,620 --> 01:12:57,320
When she's hurting...
1008
01:12:57,500 --> 01:12:59,190
...ask her how she feels.
1009
01:13:00,450 --> 01:13:02,750
- Cry with her.
- Yeah!
1010
01:13:02,890 --> 01:13:04,850
These gigolos are just
ripping women off!
1011
01:13:06,410 --> 01:13:09,840
I've never had any complaint
from any of those freaks!
1012
01:13:12,320 --> 01:13:14,060
I faked it.
1013
01:13:16,070 --> 01:13:18,540
A woman doesn't care
if you wear a Rolex watch...
1014
01:13:18,760 --> 01:13:21,200
...or have a gigantic schlong
like Heinz Hummer.
1015
01:13:22,280 --> 01:13:24,060
This guy knows his shit.
1016
01:13:27,550 --> 01:13:29,110
What are you doing?
1017
01:13:30,500 --> 01:13:32,420
Anyone else?
1018
01:13:37,810 --> 01:13:41,330
If you let a woman know you care,
maybe she'll give you an Irish Facial.
1019
01:13:51,500 --> 01:13:54,420
We will die together, man-whore.
1020
01:13:56,160 --> 01:13:59,290
- You don't have to do this.
- They ruined my life.
1021
01:13:59,420 --> 01:14:02,680
- Give me the detonator.
- No.
1022
01:14:02,850 --> 01:14:04,640
My penis exploded.
1023
01:14:06,070 --> 01:14:08,330
Okay, that's a tough one.
I'll give you that.
1024
01:14:10,030 --> 01:14:14,160
But having a penis
is way overrated. Trust me.
1025
01:14:15,900 --> 01:14:18,160
No. No.
1026
01:14:18,290 --> 01:14:19,810
Gaspar!
1027
01:14:28,680 --> 01:14:30,380
Are you okay?
1028
01:14:32,550 --> 01:14:34,590
We did it.
1029
01:14:40,460 --> 01:14:42,720
That's the grossest thing
I've ever seen.
1030
01:14:42,820 --> 01:14:44,900
And I've seen some
pretty gross things.
1031
01:14:45,080 --> 01:14:45,809
- In the car.
- Put your head down.
1032
01:14:45,810 --> 01:14:46,510
- In the car.
- Put your head down.
1033
01:14:46,730 --> 01:14:48,650
I'll be seeing you again, man-whore.
1034
01:14:49,860 --> 01:14:53,600
Deuce, you saved
the Man-whore Society.
1035
01:14:54,340 --> 01:14:56,080
The Golden Boner belongs to you.
1036
01:14:56,300 --> 01:14:58,610
Thanks. I'm... That's very...
1037
01:14:59,990 --> 01:15:01,690
This belongs to you too.
1038
01:15:03,300 --> 01:15:05,160
Hang it to the left.
1039
01:15:05,690 --> 01:15:07,300
You gonna eat that?
1040
01:15:07,430 --> 01:15:09,820
- Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.
1041
01:15:12,950 --> 01:15:16,380
So I guess this means
you're a real gigolo now.
1042
01:15:16,520 --> 01:15:18,300
I don't want you
to treat me differently.
1043
01:15:18,430 --> 01:15:20,470
How much would you
charge me for a kiss?
1044
01:15:20,870 --> 01:15:22,950
Well, the first one's always free.
1045
01:15:27,440 --> 01:15:29,950
- Deuce!
- What?
1046
01:15:30,560 --> 01:15:32,260
Oh, no. No, it's...
1047
01:15:32,390 --> 01:15:34,040
It's just this.
1048
01:15:56,270 --> 01:15:58,170
Deucey!
1049
01:15:58,310 --> 01:15:59,920
Thank you, Jesus.
1050
01:16:00,830 --> 01:16:02,340
Did anybody hurt you in there?
1051
01:16:03,520 --> 01:16:06,830
Oh, you asking if I got ass-punked.
Is that what's happening right now?
1052
01:16:07,050 --> 01:16:11,660
- Not if you don't wanna talk about it.
- Well, turns out I'm not that attractive.
1053
01:16:11,830 --> 01:16:13,520
Well, you've been cleared
of murder...
1054
01:16:13,700 --> 01:16:16,180
- ...but people still think you're gay.
- Hey, hey, hey.
1055
01:16:16,350 --> 01:16:18,440
Don't tell nobody I'm not gay.
Look at it:
1056
01:16:18,610 --> 01:16:21,480
T.J., the gay man's pimp.
1057
01:16:21,610 --> 01:16:24,440
I mean, I'm gonna corner the market.
Check out my new bitches.
1058
01:16:24,620 --> 01:16:26,700
- Hello, darling.
- Hi, sweetie.
1059
01:16:26,830 --> 01:16:28,400
Love you.
1060
01:16:30,230 --> 01:16:31,920
Let's get chicken and waffles.
My treat.
1061
01:16:32,090 --> 01:16:35,400
So the first thing a brother wants
out of prison is chicken and waffles?
1062
01:16:35,580 --> 01:16:37,880
- Oh, come on.
- Get your she-cocks back to work.
76947
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