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1
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,120
[ Rock music plays ]
2
00:00:06,139 --> 00:00:08,189
[ Cellphone blips ]
[ Door opens ]
3
00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:14,100
♪♪
4
00:00:14,119 --> 00:00:16,169
[ Moaning ]
5
00:00:16,190 --> 00:00:20,210
♪♪
6
00:00:20,230 --> 00:00:24,140
[ Cellphones blipping ]
7
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,080
[ Cellphones clicking ]
8
00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:31,100
[ Blipping continues ]
9
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,200
[ Tattoo gun buzzing ]
10
00:00:32,219 --> 00:00:34,089
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
11
00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:42,129
♪♪
12
00:00:42,149 --> 00:00:45,039
[ Blipping continues ]
13
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:51,030
♪♪
14
00:00:51,049 --> 00:00:53,049
[ Record scratches ]
15
00:00:53,070 --> 00:00:56,110
[ Choir vocalizing ]
16
00:00:56,130 --> 00:01:04,070
♪♪
17
00:01:04,090 --> 00:01:06,070
[ Cellphone dings ]
18
00:01:06,090 --> 00:01:07,110
Derek!
19
00:01:07,129 --> 00:01:09,009
[ Cellphone chimes ]
20
00:01:09,030 --> 00:01:12,020
[ Groans loudly ]
Not now, Beyoncé!
21
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:18,169
♪♪
22
00:01:18,189 --> 00:01:25,079
♪♪
23
00:01:25,099 --> 00:01:26,219
I got ghosted again!
24
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,150
Why is it so hard to find a guy
who won't leave?
25
00:01:29,170 --> 00:01:32,110
Trust me, one day you'll
find your perfect match.
26
00:01:32,129 --> 00:01:34,009
I did!
[ Door opens ]
27
00:01:34,030 --> 00:01:36,200
-We got a street couch!
-Oh, hell no!
28
00:01:36,219 --> 00:01:39,039
We agreed --
no more garbage furniture!
29
00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:40,150
[ Whining ] But I want it.
30
00:01:40,170 --> 00:01:42,210
Oh, we got that savings account
you wanted...
31
00:01:42,229 --> 00:01:44,219
But we needed that!
32
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,090
[ Exhales sharply ]
Fine.
33
00:01:46,109 --> 00:01:50,089
Yes!
Excuse us, ladies.
34
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:53,149
[ Josh and Alex laugh ]
35
00:01:53,170 --> 00:01:55,160
I can't believe we carried it
15 blocks!
36
00:01:55,180 --> 00:01:57,050
It's gonna feel so good
to sit on it.
37
00:01:57,069 --> 00:01:59,159
Ho-ho, man.
Okay, here we go.
38
00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:02,110
Gotta get this right.
Gotta get this right.
Gotta warm up my cheeks.
39
00:02:02,129 --> 00:02:04,169
Just like puttin' a
fish in a fishbowl, you
know what I'm saying.
40
00:02:04,189 --> 00:02:07,009
Guys, can you please tone
it down a little.
41
00:02:07,030 --> 00:02:08,080
Bridgette just got ghosted.
42
00:02:08,099 --> 00:02:11,159
[ Wailing loudly ]
43
00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:13,040
Ooooh, sorry.
44
00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:14,180
You know what might help?
[ Laughs nervously ]
45
00:02:14,199 --> 00:02:16,999
The healing properties
of a comfy street couch.
46
00:02:17,020 --> 00:02:19,010
Whoa!
-[ Sobbing ]
[ Springs slam ]
47
00:02:19,030 --> 00:02:21,100
Oh, actually, I was
thinking we could all
sit on it right now.
48
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,030
[ Bridgette wailing loudly ]
Ohhh, noooo!
49
00:02:24,050 --> 00:02:26,040
I-I-I-It's cool.
I can wait.
50
00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:30,050
[ Crickets chirping ]
51
00:02:30,069 --> 00:02:31,139
[ Exhales heavily ]
52
00:02:31,159 --> 00:02:34,159
You all look like
you're going to ghost me, too.
53
00:02:34,180 --> 00:02:37,050
[ Sighs heavily ]
54
00:02:37,069 --> 00:02:40,179
Beautiful mademoiselle,
why so sad?
55
00:02:40,199 --> 00:02:41,219
[ Screams ]
56
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,090
Forgive me, mon chérie.
57
00:02:43,110 --> 00:02:46,010
I've not properly
introduced myself.
58
00:02:46,030 --> 00:02:49,000
My name is
Henri Dubois Moureau V.
59
00:02:49,020 --> 00:02:51,030
My father was
the Duc D'Orléans.
60
00:02:51,050 --> 00:02:53,200
Um, I'm -- I'm Bridgette.
Uh...
61
00:02:53,219 --> 00:02:55,169
My father is a pharmacist.
62
00:02:55,189 --> 00:02:57,219
Well, he must be the king
of the pharmacists
63
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,080
because he raised
a princess, hmm?
64
00:03:00,099 --> 00:03:03,079
[ Moaning chuckle ]
Oh! [ Giggles ]
65
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,999
Okay, everything about this
is working for me.
66
00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:07,180
But, you're, like, dead, right?
What's that all about?
67
00:03:07,199 --> 00:03:12,049
Henri: I was once France's
premier furniture designer...
[ Harpsichord playing ]
68
00:03:12,069 --> 00:03:13,109
[ Crowd gasps ]
69
00:03:13,129 --> 00:03:15,149
...and it's greatest bachelor.
70
00:03:15,169 --> 00:03:20,029
♪♪
71
00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:21,220
I made love to beautiful women,
72
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,050
and in return,
they made love back to me.
73
00:03:24,069 --> 00:03:25,099
[ Woman ohh's ]
74
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:26,160
But I was unfaithful.
75
00:03:26,180 --> 00:03:28,220
[ Moaning ] Ohh. Oh! Oh!
76
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,089
And some became jealous.
[ Screams ]
77
00:03:32,110 --> 00:03:34,130
[ Scythe shinks ]
78
00:03:34,150 --> 00:03:36,190
I died on this very couch.
79
00:03:36,210 --> 00:03:38,230
So you're tied to this couch
forever?
80
00:03:39,009 --> 00:03:41,059
Until I complete
my unfinished business,
81
00:03:41,079 --> 00:03:42,159
whatever that may be.
82
00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,230
And you,
why is it that my couch
83
00:03:45,009 --> 00:03:46,199
is stained with your tears?
84
00:03:46,219 --> 00:03:49,209
Oh, I was sad because guys
keep ghosting me.
85
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,229
No offense.
Ghosting?
86
00:03:52,009 --> 00:03:53,159
What is this "ghosting?"
87
00:03:53,180 --> 00:03:56,150
It's when a guy dumps
you without telling
you and vanishes.
88
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:59,000
This is, how you say,
outrage!
89
00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:01,120
I would never ghost you,
sweet Bridgette.
90
00:04:01,139 --> 00:04:02,199
Oh, really?
91
00:04:02,219 --> 00:04:05,169
So, um...[chuckles]
what are you doing later?
92
00:04:07,099 --> 00:04:10,029
[ Crowd cheers ]
93
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,160
[ Crowd gasps ]
94
00:04:13,090 --> 00:04:14,150
[ Smooches ]
95
00:04:14,169 --> 00:04:20,139
♪♪
96
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:26,080
♪♪
97
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:28,200
[ Riders screaming ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
98
00:04:28,220 --> 00:04:37,080
♪♪
99
00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:45,170
♪♪
100
00:04:45,189 --> 00:04:48,029
Your new boyfriend
seems awesome.
101
00:04:48,050 --> 00:04:50,100
Henri and I have so much
in common.
102
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,050
He also hates fake bitches.
103
00:04:52,069 --> 00:04:54,129
-Excuse me, Candice.
-I've heard worse.
104
00:04:54,149 --> 00:04:56,049
Well, I'm glad
you found someone.
105
00:04:56,069 --> 00:04:59,009
Ok, just to be clear,
this is not a relationship.
106
00:04:59,029 --> 00:05:00,049
This is a haunting.
107
00:05:00,069 --> 00:05:01,999
I knew you were gonna be
like this.
108
00:05:02,019 --> 00:05:03,109
You don't like him
because he's French.
109
00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:06,149
It ain't helping, but it's
mostly because he's dead.
110
00:05:06,170 --> 00:05:08,190
I mean how are you even
gonna have sex?
111
00:05:08,209 --> 00:05:10,049
Wouldn't you like to know?
112
00:05:10,069 --> 00:05:12,009
♪ Whoa... ♪
113
00:05:12,029 --> 00:05:13,049
[ Knock on door ]
Come in.
114
00:05:13,069 --> 00:05:16,069
[ Door opens ]
♪ My love ♪
115
00:05:16,089 --> 00:05:18,139
Thank you for agreeing
to be our vessel, Randy.
116
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,050
Anything for
a friend-slash-tenant.
117
00:05:21,069 --> 00:05:24,049
Let's do this.
♪ I've hungered for ♪
118
00:05:24,069 --> 00:05:27,999
♪ Your touch ♪
119
00:05:28,019 --> 00:05:30,219
♪ A long ♪
120
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,070
♪ Lonely time ♪
121
00:05:34,090 --> 00:05:35,110
Mmm.
122
00:05:35,129 --> 00:05:38,169
[ Both moaning ]
Ooh.
123
00:05:38,189 --> 00:05:42,009
[ Randy shouting rhythmically ]
♪ And time ♪
124
00:05:42,029 --> 00:05:44,189
♪ Goes by ♪
[ Shouting continues ]
125
00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:46,079
[ Screaming ]
126
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:48,050
♪ So slowly ]
Did she move
the couch in there?
127
00:05:48,069 --> 00:05:49,229
I haven't had a chance
to sit on it yet.
128
00:05:50,009 --> 00:05:52,129
♪ And time ♪
Do...not...go in there!
129
00:05:52,149 --> 00:05:56,099
[ Sobbing ]
♪ Can do so much ♪
130
00:05:56,120 --> 00:06:00,120
♪ Are you ♪
131
00:06:00,139 --> 00:06:03,099
[ Snoring ]
132
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,130
[ Grunting ]
[ Humming sleepily ]
133
00:06:06,149 --> 00:06:10,119
[ Coughs ] Ew, gross.
[ Murmuring in sleep ]
134
00:06:10,139 --> 00:06:12,229
Gross. [ Grunts ]
135
00:06:13,009 --> 00:06:14,099
Ew.
136
00:06:17,149 --> 00:06:20,109
Bonjour, mon chéri.
[ Chuckles ]
137
00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:21,219
What a beautiful morning
138
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,160
after such a beautiful
evening of love-make.
139
00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:28,190
Yeaaah, it was...great.
[ Chuckles ]
140
00:06:28,209 --> 00:06:30,109
I'm just used to
sleeping alone.
141
00:06:30,129 --> 00:06:33,139
Well, you will never
have to again.
142
00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:35,999
Uh, I need to go in here.
143
00:06:41,090 --> 00:06:43,080
Pardon,
is everything alright?
144
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:45,030
Yeah, it's fine.
Great.
145
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:51,210
♪♪
146
00:06:51,230 --> 00:06:54,010
Did I say you could leave
a toothbrush in here?
147
00:06:54,029 --> 00:06:55,229
[ Chuckles ]
No, but, uh, I, um,
148
00:06:56,009 --> 00:06:57,139
how you say, assumed,
149
00:06:57,159 --> 00:06:59,139
uh, since we live together.
150
00:06:59,159 --> 00:07:03,159
[ Humming ]
151
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:06,030
You knew the word
was "assumed."
152
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,020
[ Door slams ]
153
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:12,020
Bridgette, I apologize
if I've done anything to offend.
[ Harpsichord playing ]
154
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,220
I -- I hope
you can forgive me.
155
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,110
Yeah, gross.
I'm not really into chocolate.
156
00:07:18,129 --> 00:07:19,209
[ Door closes ]
157
00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,140
[ Cellphone clicking ]
Bridgette...
158
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,110
[ Couch scraping ]
...I have
a beautiful surprise
159
00:07:23,129 --> 00:07:25,219
for a beautiful lady.
160
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,180
Greeeaaat.
More dead things.
161
00:07:28,199 --> 00:07:31,129
[ Harpsichord continues ]
162
00:07:31,149 --> 00:07:34,179
Bridgette, I have expressed
my passion for you
163
00:07:34,199 --> 00:07:37,039
through the medium
of painting.
164
00:07:37,060 --> 00:07:39,080
I've also written an opera
about your face.
165
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,090
Uh-huh.
[ Sighs deeply ]
166
00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:43,170
I guess it does not matter.
[ Chuckles ]
167
00:07:43,189 --> 00:07:46,059
Nothing I do
seems to matter.
[ Monotone ]
What do you mean?
168
00:07:46,079 --> 00:07:47,229
You're the best...
Yay...
169
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,199
Is that why
you put up zis?!
170
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,110
What?
It's my favorite movie.
171
00:07:52,129 --> 00:07:54,209
[ Cries ]
Why have you grown so cold?
172
00:07:54,230 --> 00:07:56,170
[ Cellphone ringing ]
Ooh, sorry.
I'm getting a call.
173
00:07:56,189 --> 00:07:59,129
Ah, zere it is!
Classic Bridgette.
174
00:07:59,149 --> 00:08:02,069
Zings get le tough
and you le run away
175
00:08:02,089 --> 00:08:04,009
to ze fake phone call!
176
00:08:04,029 --> 00:08:05,209
[ Whispering ] Shh!
You're being a dick!
177
00:08:05,230 --> 00:08:07,230
Yes, I do have time
for a survey.
178
00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:09,089
Ah! Bridgette!
179
00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:12,020
You are tearing me apart!
180
00:08:13,069 --> 00:08:16,009
[ Ughs ] Whatever.
Like I don't have three more.
181
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,189
No, no, no.
You're not going anywhere
182
00:08:17,209 --> 00:08:22,099
until you tell me
why you are so upset with me.
183
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,150
Hey guys, is it cool
if I sit on the...
184
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,200
[ Indistinct arguing ]
185
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:29,030
Aw, man...
Upset?
186
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:33,020
How could I be upset about a
dead guy who's chained to a
couch and can never leave?!
187
00:08:33,039 --> 00:08:34,059
Is zat what you wish?
188
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,060
You wish I could, uh,
ghost you?
189
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,140
Please!
You're being ridiculous!
190
00:08:38,159 --> 00:08:40,119
Why would I want a guy...
191
00:08:40,139 --> 00:08:42,149
to ghost...me?
192
00:08:44,179 --> 00:08:46,109
Hey, I was thinking,
maybe I could leave
193
00:08:46,129 --> 00:08:49,219
a toothbrush
at your place?
194
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,140
Yuck.
Take me to Wetzel's
195
00:08:51,159 --> 00:08:54,059
and don't embarrass me.
196
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:57,060
[ Whispering ] Psst,
I bought a toothbrush
to leave at your place.
197
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,070
[ Gasps ]
198
00:08:59,090 --> 00:09:02,100
[ Straining ]
199
00:09:03,179 --> 00:09:07,149
Bridgette, I have something
I want to keep at your place.
200
00:09:11,110 --> 00:09:13,000
What -- What are y--
201
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:16,049
Bridgette, I love you!
202
00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:19,010
Oh, shit. I'm the dick.
203
00:09:23,009 --> 00:09:25,189
So, I'm sorry
for how I behaved.
204
00:09:25,210 --> 00:09:27,030
You know how women
are conditioned to be
205
00:09:27,049 --> 00:09:28,129
non-confrontational
with guys
206
00:09:28,149 --> 00:09:31,009
so they don't get murdered
or locked in a basement?
207
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,099
Oui, of course.
208
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:35,030
I've realized that's why
I sabotage relationships
209
00:09:35,049 --> 00:09:37,009
when I just want them
to be over.
210
00:09:37,029 --> 00:09:39,049
Instead of just
breaking things off,
211
00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:40,230
I force guys to ghost me.
212
00:09:41,009 --> 00:09:45,159
So, you want to break things
off avec moi?
213
00:09:45,179 --> 00:09:49,019
You are a really,
really great ghost.
214
00:09:49,039 --> 00:09:51,129
And if I was ready,
or if you were alive,
215
00:09:51,149 --> 00:09:53,039
maybe this would be
different.
216
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:56,079
[ Sighs ] I understand.
You do?
217
00:09:56,100 --> 00:09:57,150
Are you sure you don't want
to yell at me
218
00:09:57,169 --> 00:09:59,039
in the back of an Uber
or something?
219
00:09:59,059 --> 00:10:02,109
No, no, no.
I am done disrespecting women.
220
00:10:02,129 --> 00:10:05,119
When I was among ze living,
I was a cad, a cheat.
221
00:10:05,139 --> 00:10:09,039
I hurt every woman I ever loved,
and it killed me.
222
00:10:09,059 --> 00:10:12,129
Hurt people...hurt people.
Ohh...
223
00:10:12,149 --> 00:10:14,079
I don't want to hurt you.
224
00:10:14,100 --> 00:10:15,170
Nor I you.
225
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:19,050
I want you to be happy.
[ Crying chuckles ]
226
00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:23,080
I can't believe
how mature this breakup is.
227
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,180
[ Whooshing ]
228
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,090
Mon dieu!
229
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:29,180
What's happening?
230
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,190
My unfinished business!
231
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:34,110
I must have needed to have
a healthy breakup!
232
00:10:34,129 --> 00:10:36,009
Or to make love to a woman
233
00:10:36,029 --> 00:10:38,049
by possessing
a shirtless man's body.
234
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:42,080
Either way, farewell, sweet
Bridgette of House Pharmacist!
235
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,120
Goodbye, Henri!
236
00:10:44,139 --> 00:10:47,059
Thanks for not freaking out
when I broke up with you!
237
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,010
No, I broke up with you!
238
00:10:51,029 --> 00:10:53,179
I broke up with him.
239
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,030
Couch? No! No!
240
00:10:56,049 --> 00:10:59,099
[ Sobbing ] No!
Oh, God...
241
00:11:01,049 --> 00:11:03,119
I never got to sit on you...
242
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,150
[ T-Rex roars ]
243
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:12,169
Teller:
Next customer, please.
244
00:11:12,190 --> 00:11:14,230
You excited to open your
very first savings account?
245
00:11:15,009 --> 00:11:17,169
Yeah!
Coin purses are for kids.
246
00:11:17,190 --> 00:11:19,060
[ Explosion ]
247
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,170
[ Crowd screaming ]
248
00:11:21,190 --> 00:11:24,000
[ Metal shinks ]
[ Screaming ]
249
00:11:24,019 --> 00:11:26,109
[ Roaring ]
[ Screaming continues ]
250
00:11:26,129 --> 00:11:32,079
[ Screaming ]
251
00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:34,000
[ Bones rattle ]
252
00:11:34,019 --> 00:11:35,169
-[ Growls ]
-[ Screams ]
253
00:11:35,190 --> 00:11:37,160
What do I do?
What do I do?
254
00:11:37,179 --> 00:11:39,179
Run!
255
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,130
Josh?
256
00:11:42,149 --> 00:11:45,139
♪♪
257
00:11:45,159 --> 00:11:47,099
Here at
First Bank of Hollywood,
258
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:51,000
our interest rates
are out-of-this-world!
259
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:54,200
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
260
00:11:54,220 --> 00:12:00,080
♪♪
261
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:03,180
Wow, ha, guess you, uh, would
expect high-production values
262
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,230
from Bank of Hollywood,
huh?
263
00:12:05,009 --> 00:12:06,169
You know what we didn't expect?
264
00:12:06,190 --> 00:12:09,020
For you to bail
on your family!
265
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,220
Hey, Earthling.
Here's a free coin purse.
266
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:19,070
We also have super-low interest
rates on our divorce loans.
267
00:12:19,090 --> 00:12:20,130
Here's my card.
268
00:12:20,149 --> 00:12:22,229
[ Gagging ]
269
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:29,149
♪♪
270
00:12:29,169 --> 00:12:36,039
♪♪
271
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:37,169
Of course I want to be
the kind of guy
272
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:40,070
who'll protect his family
if shit goes down.
273
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:42,100
You wanna be John McClane.
Exactly.
274
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,180
But when it comes to
"fight or flight,"
275
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,130
my body just
always picks flight.
276
00:12:45,149 --> 00:12:48,089
So...
More of a John McLame?
277
00:12:48,110 --> 00:12:50,130
Nailed it.
-Haha, points!
278
00:12:50,149 --> 00:12:51,219
You hush up, Randy!
279
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,160
Not everyone's born brave.
280
00:12:53,179 --> 00:12:56,049
Shoot, at the police academy,
we'd have recruits
281
00:12:56,070 --> 00:12:59,150
come in all jumpy as hell,
scared of their own peckers.
282
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:03,039
Oh, we called
handguns "peckers."
283
00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:05,009
Penises we called
"shotguns,"
284
00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:07,139
and shotguns we called
"long dongs."
285
00:13:07,159 --> 00:13:09,039
Anyway, with my training
286
00:13:09,059 --> 00:13:13,049
I'd built 'em up
into tough-ass L.A. cops.
287
00:13:13,070 --> 00:13:15,110
Wait, Pearle, could you
do that for me?
288
00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:19,019
Train me to be brave
when my family's in danger?
289
00:13:19,039 --> 00:13:21,019
Pearle?
[ Both shout ]
290
00:13:21,039 --> 00:13:23,199
[ Thuds ]
We've already begun.
291
00:13:23,220 --> 00:13:26,210
[ Chuckling ] Oh, man.
This is gonna be so sweet.
292
00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:29,090
[ Dog growling, barking ]
293
00:13:29,110 --> 00:13:32,190
[ Screaming ]
Oh! Oh, nooo!
294
00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:34,170
Randy?
Woof, woof!
295
00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:36,170
[ Panting ]
296
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,120
Tastes like fear!
297
00:13:38,139 --> 00:13:41,089
Lesson Number One:
Danger's gonna come at you
298
00:13:41,110 --> 00:13:42,160
from every direction.
299
00:13:42,179 --> 00:13:45,009
Now, Alex made a scale replica
of Candice
300
00:13:45,029 --> 00:13:47,199
out of eggs that you have
to protect at all times.
301
00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:50,090
[ Button clicks ]
Daddy! Help me!
302
00:13:50,110 --> 00:13:52,070
I made an Emily, too.
303
00:13:54,059 --> 00:13:55,189
That's so many eggs.
304
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:58,100
Your coward gut is gonna
tell you to run,
305
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:02,020
so you've gotta listen
to your brain and fight!
306
00:14:02,039 --> 00:14:03,099
[ Groans ]
Ha!
307
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,070
Your dong's
telling you "owww!"
308
00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:13,049
Your environment
is your weapon!
309
00:14:13,070 --> 00:14:15,130
[ Grunting ]
310
00:14:15,149 --> 00:14:17,129
[ Shouting ]
311
00:14:17,149 --> 00:14:18,219
[ Both grunt ]
312
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,180
They can't get you
if they can't see you.
313
00:14:25,179 --> 00:14:28,039
[ Chuckling ]
314
00:14:28,059 --> 00:14:31,089
But don't ever apply
fence varnish to your face.
315
00:14:31,110 --> 00:14:34,090
And finally,
when you expect danger,
316
00:14:34,110 --> 00:14:36,160
danger can't expect you!
317
00:14:39,019 --> 00:14:40,059
[ Straining ]
318
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,100
[ Grunts ]
[ Shouts ]
319
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:45,060
Now your dong's
telling you ow.
320
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,230
[ Screaming ] Oww!
Yes!
321
00:14:48,009 --> 00:14:49,189
I'm brave!
322
00:14:49,210 --> 00:14:52,190
Simmer down, Thin Diesel.
This backyard stuff
323
00:14:52,210 --> 00:14:54,170
was just phase
one of the training.
324
00:14:54,190 --> 00:14:57,080
Phase two's gonna come at you
in the real world
325
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,160
when you least expect it.
326
00:14:58,179 --> 00:15:03,069
And boy is it gonna blow...
your...mind.
327
00:15:03,090 --> 00:15:05,050
Bring it on.
328
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,020
[ Grunting ]
329
00:15:07,039 --> 00:15:08,199
[ Eggs squishing ]
330
00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:12,050
[ Saxophone playing ]
331
00:15:12,070 --> 00:15:15,160
♪ Deck the halls
with Q4 profits ♪
332
00:15:15,179 --> 00:15:19,049
Up 13% year after year.
333
00:15:19,070 --> 00:15:21,010
[ Saxophone continues ]
334
00:15:21,029 --> 00:15:22,179
[ Glasses shatter ]
335
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,210
[ Crowd exclaiming ]
336
00:15:24,230 --> 00:15:26,150
Whoa...
337
00:15:26,169 --> 00:15:29,999
Hey folks, it's been a heckuva
year for Food Corps!
338
00:15:30,019 --> 00:15:33,999
But next year'll be even better
when we unveil...
339
00:15:34,019 --> 00:15:36,169
the Barbecue-Cumber!
340
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,120
Narrator: We took a pig
and a cucumber
341
00:15:41,139 --> 00:15:44,039
and combined them.
[ Pig squeals ]
342
00:15:44,059 --> 00:15:46,039
The Barbecue-Cumber.
343
00:15:46,059 --> 00:15:47,199
Cool.
344
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:51,050
Hot as a cucumber.
345
00:15:51,070 --> 00:15:55,000
I mean a cucumber that tastes
like pulled pork?
346
00:15:55,019 --> 00:15:56,039
Ka-ching!
347
00:15:56,059 --> 00:15:59,039
[ Grunting ] Hoo, ha!
Hyah! Ha!
348
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,169
And that, my friends,
is how you disarm
349
00:16:00,190 --> 00:16:02,130
somebody who's holding
a churro.
350
00:16:02,149 --> 00:16:05,089
[ Chomps ]
Yeah, real awesome, Josh.
351
00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:09,010
Tell me, did Pearle teach you
how to disarm a fake alien?
352
00:16:09,029 --> 00:16:10,109
Oh, ha ha ha.
353
00:16:10,129 --> 00:16:11,199
I can take your sarcasm
354
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:14,070
'cause
I am a changed man, Em.
355
00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:17,140
[ Pops ]
[ Screams ] Gun!
356
00:16:17,159 --> 00:16:20,089
[ Groaning ]
357
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:22,000
[ Breaks squeaking ]
358
00:16:22,019 --> 00:16:27,079
♪♪
359
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:31,070
Ha, wow, could you be
any more terrorist-y?
360
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:32,200
Huh, wow.
361
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:36,050
Could you be
any more dying now?
362
00:16:36,070 --> 00:16:39,070
[ Water slamming ]
363
00:16:39,090 --> 00:16:42,140
Damn it, Josh.
All that training and for what?
364
00:16:42,159 --> 00:16:46,069
Ah man, my best white slip-ons!
365
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,150
[ Gunshot, glass shattering ]
366
00:16:47,169 --> 00:16:49,099
Geez, they really
like champagne.
367
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,150
Jan: Now punch that one
over there!
[ Punches ]
368
00:16:51,169 --> 00:16:56,029
Wait, That's not the sound of
people enjoying sparkling wine.
[ People screaming ]
369
00:16:58,009 --> 00:16:59,089
[ Gasps deeply ]
370
00:16:59,110 --> 00:17:04,060
♪♪
371
00:17:04,079 --> 00:17:06,199
Phase two's gonna come at you
in the real world
372
00:17:06,220 --> 00:17:08,160
when you least expect it.
373
00:17:08,180 --> 00:17:09,220
Phase two!
374
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,080
Pearle's simulating
a terrorist takeover
375
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:15,139
just like in "Die Hard 2,"
except in a building!
376
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,220
Alright, Josh, let's do this.
377
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,170
[ Sleigh bells ringing ]
378
00:17:19,190 --> 00:17:24,140
♪♪
379
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,000
[ German accent ] Hey!
Where you think you're going?
380
00:17:27,019 --> 00:17:29,079
[ Chuckles ]
To save my family.
381
00:17:29,099 --> 00:17:31,229
[ Growling ]
Whoa, you're really
going for it.
382
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:35,119
Love the commitment.
What are you
babbling about?
383
00:17:35,140 --> 00:17:37,110
[ Chuckles ] So good.
384
00:17:37,130 --> 00:17:39,230
Hoo! Ha! Hyah!
[ Shouts ]
385
00:17:40,009 --> 00:17:43,209
[ Grunting loudly ]
386
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:45,150
Oh, my God...
387
00:17:45,170 --> 00:17:48,100
Pearle hired
professional stunt men!
388
00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:49,169
You want
the Barbecue-Cumber?
389
00:17:49,190 --> 00:17:51,230
But it's not
even available yet.
390
00:17:52,009 --> 00:17:55,189
Exactly,
Mr. "Shark Tank" CEO.
391
00:17:55,210 --> 00:17:58,150
That is why you will be
opening your vault
392
00:17:58,170 --> 00:18:00,230
to be giving us
the genetic sequence.
393
00:18:01,009 --> 00:18:03,099
What are you, some kind
of environmental activists?
394
00:18:03,119 --> 00:18:05,109
Capitalists.
A vegetable
395
00:18:05,130 --> 00:18:08,000
that is tasting
like smokey barbecue?
396
00:18:08,019 --> 00:18:11,099
[ Chuckles ] We will be selling
to highest bidder.
397
00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:12,219
Probably Whole Foods.
398
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,010
You'll have to kill me for it!
399
00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:16,199
No, no, don't, don't.
I was just kidding.
400
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,190
We're insured
for this sort of thing.
401
00:18:18,210 --> 00:18:23,040
Okee-dokee, let's get that vault
open before the killing.
402
00:18:23,059 --> 00:18:26,049
Emily, what's my password?
I don't know, Mr. Salt.
403
00:18:26,069 --> 00:18:28,039
That's okay.
We've got a protocol
404
00:18:28,059 --> 00:18:30,119
for this type of situation.
405
00:18:30,140 --> 00:18:33,000
"Who was your best friend
in grade school?"
406
00:18:33,019 --> 00:18:35,119
Oh, geez, how could I choose
just one?
407
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:41,190
Are you even to be
kidding me right now?!
408
00:18:41,210 --> 00:18:43,050
Josh, remember,
409
00:18:43,069 --> 00:18:45,219
your environment
is your weapon.
410
00:18:49,049 --> 00:18:51,179
[ Squashes ]
411
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:55,040
They can't get you
if they can't see you.
412
00:18:55,059 --> 00:19:00,159
Jan: Juergen, we might needing
start blowing ze up the vault.
413
00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:04,140
Juergen, comings in.
414
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,230
Juergen!
415
00:19:06,009 --> 00:19:09,059
Josh: Sorry, pal.
Juergen just got creamed.
416
00:19:09,079 --> 00:19:10,189
Who is this?
417
00:19:10,210 --> 00:19:13,080
Your worst nightmare.
418
00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:15,039
Oh, man,
that was so badass!
419
00:19:15,059 --> 00:19:17,149
Oh, gotta unsqueeze
the button --
[ Static ]
420
00:19:17,170 --> 00:19:18,190
Daddy?
421
00:19:18,210 --> 00:19:23,030
[ Josh grunting ]
422
00:19:25,069 --> 00:19:29,099
Who is this Green Day
American idiot?!
423
00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:30,189
I-I honestly don't know.
424
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:33,070
Just some super-sexy
hero type?
425
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:35,149
I just
remembered it!
426
00:19:35,170 --> 00:19:37,080
"My name is Mr. Salt,"
427
00:19:37,099 --> 00:19:39,099
and the "E" is a three.
428
00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:41,219
[ Vault chiming, beeping ]
429
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:48,070
♪♪
430
00:19:48,089 --> 00:19:49,129
[ Sniffs deeply ]
431
00:19:49,150 --> 00:19:50,230
[ Exhales deeply ]
432
00:19:51,009 --> 00:19:53,019
The Barbecue-Cumber.
433
00:19:53,039 --> 00:19:57,019
Soon I am being a billionaire.
434
00:19:57,039 --> 00:19:58,179
[ Hose clanking ]
435
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,200
[ Punching ]
436
00:20:04,220 --> 00:20:07,080
Final boss time!
437
00:20:07,099 --> 00:20:11,119
Not another step,
Mr. George W. Cowboy.
438
00:20:11,140 --> 00:20:13,110
Daddy!
It's okay, sweetie.
439
00:20:13,130 --> 00:20:15,120
Daddy's crushing
this simulation.
440
00:20:15,140 --> 00:20:18,000
What simulation?!
You know, this.
441
00:20:18,019 --> 00:20:19,109
Pearle was training me
to be brave.
442
00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:21,010
These guys
are all a part of it.
443
00:20:21,029 --> 00:20:22,189
Josh, no, this is real.
444
00:20:22,210 --> 00:20:24,040
These guys
are real bad guys.
445
00:20:24,059 --> 00:20:25,159
Suuure, Em.
446
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:29,040
And I bet this paintball gun
shoots real bullets, too, huh?
447
00:20:31,099 --> 00:20:32,219
This is real!
448
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:39,140
[ Sizzling ]
And it was Karl's
first day on job.
449
00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,180
Well, internship.
450
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:43,050
Oh, man. Oh, man.
451
00:20:43,069 --> 00:20:45,019
Josh!
Keep it together!
452
00:20:45,039 --> 00:20:47,209
So pathetic.
453
00:20:47,230 --> 00:20:50,230
And now,
Mr. Chocolate Chip Coward,
454
00:20:51,009 --> 00:20:54,079
it is being time
for you to die.
455
00:20:54,099 --> 00:20:58,129
[ Slo-mo laughter ]
456
00:20:58,150 --> 00:21:01,170
[ Slo-mo panting ]
457
00:21:01,190 --> 00:21:03,160
Run!
Let's get outta here!
458
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:05,080
No, we fight!
Right?
459
00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:07,059
Don't look at me,
I'm just your dong.
460
00:21:07,079 --> 00:21:08,209
I vote we run!
461
00:21:08,230 --> 00:21:10,120
Well, if we have to run,
462
00:21:10,140 --> 00:21:13,010
at least run
in the right direction!
463
00:21:13,029 --> 00:21:16,019
[ Electricity crackling ]
464
00:21:16,039 --> 00:21:17,059
[ Panting ]
465
00:21:17,079 --> 00:21:19,129
[ Slo-mo laughter continues ]
466
00:21:19,150 --> 00:21:23,160
[ Slo-mo panting continues ]
467
00:21:23,180 --> 00:21:26,220
[ Squishes ]
No!
I wanted no part of this.
468
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:31,080
[ Straining ]
469
00:21:31,099 --> 00:21:34,049
[ Slo-mo ] Nooo!
470
00:21:34,069 --> 00:21:37,009
[ Grunts ]
471
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:38,209
[ Popcorn popping ]
472
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:42,050
[ Electric guitar "Jingle Bells"
plays ]
473
00:21:42,069 --> 00:21:45,089
Oh my, God, Josh!
You're shot!
474
00:21:45,109 --> 00:21:48,059
Where's --
There's -- There's no blood.
475
00:21:50,039 --> 00:21:51,089
Whoooaaa...
476
00:21:51,109 --> 00:21:53,209
Saved by
out-of-this-world savings.
477
00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:56,010
Man, if this is what
they do for Christmas,
478
00:21:56,029 --> 00:21:58,139
I've gotta be here
for New Year's.
479
00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,210
Hey, wait a minute.
480
00:21:59,230 --> 00:22:02,170
I wonder what phase two
really was.
481
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:06,130
[ Chuckling ] Oh, man.
He's gonna shit!
482
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:16,140
♪♪
483
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:26,130
♪♪
484
00:22:26,150 --> 00:22:36,130
♪♪
485
00:22:36,150 --> 00:22:46,120
♪♪
486
00:22:46,140 --> 00:22:56,150
♪♪
33760
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