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BLACKADDER
"The Cavalier Years"
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00:00:05,580 --> 00:00:10,280
In 1648, king Charles was in flight
from the wrath of Cromwell & his Roundheads.
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00:00:10,380 --> 00:00:14,780
Only two men remained faithful,
risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.
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00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,760
One was the sole descendent of a
great historical english dynasty.
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00:00:19,010 --> 00:00:20,280
his name, Sir Edmund Blackadder.
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00:00:21,180 --> 00:00:24,980
The other was the sole descendent of an unfortunate
meeting between a pig-farmer and a bearded lady.
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00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:30,080
History has, quite rightly, forgotten his name.
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- Baldrick!
- Yes, sir?
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00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,880
Get me some mulled ale, will you?
I'm freezing.
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00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,190
How's the King, sir?
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00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:42,080
About as comfortable
as can be expected...
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00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,520
...for a man who's spending the winter
in a blackcurrant bush.
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00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:48,950
Do you think
the Roundheads will find him?
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00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:52,240
Certainly not. I've assured him
that he's as likely to be caught...
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00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:57,030
...as a fox being chased by a pack
of one-legged hunting tortoises.
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00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,560
Is that true?
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00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,040
Yes, of course it's true.
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00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,640
Have you ever known me
to lie to the King?
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00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:03,790
Yes.
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00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,360
- No.
- Exactly.
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He's absolutely safe as long as
you keep your fat mouth shut.
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00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,680
You can trust me, sir.
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00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,670
Right, Baldrick,
I'm off to answer the call of nature.
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00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:23,120
If, by any freak chance, Cromwell
drops in here for a cup of milk...
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00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,720
...in the next 90 seconds,
remember:
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00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,880
- "The King is not hiding here."
- Yes, sir.
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# Greensleeves... #
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Good evening, citizen.
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I am Oliver Cromwell.
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My men have surrounded your house,
and I'm looking for royalist scum.
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Is the King hiding here?
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00:01:58,640 --> 00:01:59,760
No.
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00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,750
On pain of death and damnation,
are you absolutely sure?
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00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:07,640
Yes, I am.
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00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,600
I see.
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00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,590
Well then, my proud beauty,
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00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,200
you won't mind if my men
come in from the cold, will you?
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00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,160
Men, come in from the cold,
will you?
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00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,270
Now, we'll all have a cup of milk
by your fireside.
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00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,960
All right, but don't touch
the purple cup.
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00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,280
- Why not?
- That's the King's.
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00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,840
Thank you, citizen. You may
leave me alone with King Charles.
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Mr. Cromwell,
how delightful to see you again.
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Don't get up. Don't get up.
Tell me, have you come far?
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I have, sir.
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00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,760
From country squire
to Lord Protector of England.
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00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,720
Fascinating,
absolutely fascinating.
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00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,040
Tell me, what exactly
does a lord protector do?
49
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,880
He spells your doom, sir.
50
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,190
He spells my doom? Wonderful!
That's particularly exciting...
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00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,080
...because so many people these days
can't spell at all.
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Particularly in the inner cities,
which is my area of interest.
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Speak, sir. But all your fine words
won't save you from the scaffold.
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00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,840
Jolly good! Fascinating!
Carry on.
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00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:27,190
A priest, sir. To help you make
your peace with God before you die.
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00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,640
- Oh, hello.
- Your Majesty,
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I've arranged for certain monies
to be paid to allow you to escape.
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Blackadder!
You're dressed as a priest!
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00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,630
How dangerous and stupid...
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00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,360
...and perverted!
It's just like school.
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00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,590
Sire, this is a matter
of life and death.
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00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,790
Nonsense, Blackadder.
I don't think any jury in England...
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00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,270
...would bring in a verdict
of guilty against me.
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00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,240
Your Majesty,
the verdict of the jury.
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00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,790
So, what does it say?
Guilty or not guilty?
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00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,790
I'll give you two guesses.
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00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,470
Not guilty.
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00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,520
One more guess.
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00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,680
Oh, damn!
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00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:16,320
One measly civil war
in the entire history of England,
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00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,000
and I'm on the wrong bloody side!
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00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,040
Something wrong, sir?
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00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:26,800
Yes, Baldrick. If the King dies,
we royalists are doomed.
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00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,520
We will enter
a hideous age of Puritanism.
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00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,350
They'll close all the theatres.
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,600
Lace handkerchiefs for men
will be illegal.
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00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,840
And I won't be able to find
a friendly face to sit on...
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00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,400
...this side of Boulogne.
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00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,560
If they so much as suspect
our loyalties,
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00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:46,440
our property will be forfeit
and we'll be for the chop.
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00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,080
Oh, I love chops.
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00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:53,320
Baldrick, your brain...
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00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:58,480
...is like the four-headed man-eating
haddock fish beast of Aberdeen.
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00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,440
- In what way?
- It doesn't exist.
85
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,880
- Oh, God. What will we do?
- Don't despair, something'll pop up.
86
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,560
Not under Puritanism it won't.
87
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:13,200
We must do something.
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00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:18,640
We must do something, otherwise
the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant.
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00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:19,910
What ant?
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00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:23,800
That one.
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00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,400
So this is the day
of the execution of Charles I.
92
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,920
Absolutely not, Your Majesty.
Those Roundhead traitors...
93
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:36,150
...have one final hurdle
that they will never straddle.
94
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,590
Fascinating.
What is that exactly?
95
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,960
They will never find
a man to behead you.
96
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,830
They'd have hundreds of volunteers
to execute Cromwell, he's so ugly.
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00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,920
He's got so many warts on his face...
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00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,790
...it's only when he sneezes that
you find out which one is his nose.
99
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:54,320
But they'll never find
a man to execute you.
100
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,160
Well, I find that absolutely tragic.
101
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,710
There are so many young people
who would leap at a chance like this.
102
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,600
All they need
is the initiative, somehow.
103
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,350
I suppose, in a sense, that's what
my award scheme is all about.
104
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:10,750
- Really?
- Yes.
105
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,910
On the other hand, of course,
I don't want my head cut off.
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00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:18,440
- It's a question of balance, like...
- Shut up! With respect Your Majesty.
107
00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,640
They'll never find an executioner.
And if they do,
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may my conjugal dipstick
turn into a tennis racket.
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A message for the King.
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# There's a tavern in the town... #
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For God's sake, stop that Baldrick!
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It's bad enough having one's life
in ruins, without being serenaded...
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...by a moron with all the entertainment
value of a tap-dancing oyster.
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00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,080
I'm sorry, sir.
I can't help it.
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00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:00,360
You see, I've just had
a little windfall.
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00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,960
Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're
going to do that, go into the garden.
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00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,360
No, I mean
I've come into some money.
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00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,790
Really?
Family inheritance?
119
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,160
No, I ate that ages ago.
120
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,440
Yes, of course. Your thoughtful
father bequeathed you a turnip.
121
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No, it was 50 pounds actually,
it was delicious.
122
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,360
But this is just a little something
that fell in my lap.
123
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Not the first time that there's been
a little something in your lap.
124
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:32,560
- No, but this one is a job.
- Really? I just don't understand it.
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00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:36,680
Where on earth did they find a man
so utterly without heart and soul,
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00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,070
so low and degraded
as to accept the job...
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00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:43,040
...of beheading
the King of England?
128
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,040
- Baldrick?
- Yes.
129
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:54,750
- That little job that fell into your lap...
- Yes.
130
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,230
It wasn't by any chance
something to do with an axe, a basket,
131
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,710
a little black mask
and the King of England?
132
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:02,870
- No.
- Go on.
133
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,870
I couldn't find a basket.
134
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,400
You very small total bastard!
135
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:12,350
Please, sir, don't kill me. I have
a cunning plan to save the King.
136
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,670
Forgive me if I don't
do a cartwheel of joy.
137
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,640
Your family's record
in cunning planning...
138
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,400
...is about as impressive
as "Stumpy" Oleg McNolegs'...
139
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:24,710
...personal best in the
Market Harborough marathon.
140
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,150
All right, what's the plan?
141
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,190
A pumpkin...
is going to save the king.
142
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,880
But over here, I have one
that I prepared earlier.
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I'll balance it
on the King's head, like this.
144
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,440
Then I'll cover his real head
with a cloak...
145
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:54,640
...and then, when I execute him,
instead of cutting off his real head,
146
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,950
I'll cut off the pumpkin
and the King survives!
147
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,960
- I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick.
- Why not?
148
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,590
Because once you've cut it off
you have to hold it up and say,
149
00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,120
"This is the head of a traitor."
At which point, they'll shout back,
150
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,280
"No, it's a large pumpkin with
a pathetic moustache drawn on it."
151
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,600
I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
152
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:23,040
It's not 1% convincing.
However, I am a busy man...
153
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,640
...and I can't be bothered
to punch you at the moment,
154
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,840
Here's my fist, kindly run towards it
as fast as you can.
155
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:37,590
I just don't understand it.
What possessed you to take the job?
156
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,880
I'm sorry, sir. It was just
a wild silly foolish plan.
157
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,400
I thought with the money I got
from executing the King,
158
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,950
I could sneak out and buy a new king
when no one was looking...
159
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,000
...and pop him back on the throne
without anyone noticing.
160
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,630
Your head is as empty
as a eunuch's underpants.
161
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,200
You'd do anything for
30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you?
162
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,830
It was a thousand pounds actually sir,
plus tip.
163
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:08,640
Well I suppose somebody's
got to do it, haven't they?
164
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,580
And when it's gonna be done,
it's got to be done in single stroke,
165
00:10:11,590 --> 00:10:13,360
by someone
who actually owns an axe.
166
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,950
We don't want you hacking
away at it all afternoon...
167
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:17,560
...with your cheap penknife
of yours.
168
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,550
It would be so embarrassing
to have King Charles...
169
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,330
...staggering around Hampton
Court tomorrow morning...
170
00:10:21,330 --> 00:10:24,560
...with his neck flapping
like fish's gills.
171
00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,920
- Sir, you don't mean?
- Yep, I'm doing it.
172
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,840
Lend me your costume,
then go immediately to the King,
173
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,600
and inform him that Edmund Blackadder
cannot be with him tomorrow.
174
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:39,160
And make sure you think up
a bloody good excuse.
175
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,720
So that's why
he can't be here. Sorry.
176
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:45,920
I see.
I quite understand, yes.
177
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,880
Sir, the moment has arrived.
Are you ready to meet your maker?
178
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:56,200
I'm always absolutely fascinated
to meet people from all walks of life...
179
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,800
...but yes, particularly
manufacturing industry.
180
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,400
Well then, have a quick walk and talk
with your executioner,
181
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,920
- and let's get on with it.
- Right.
182
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,150
Well, I'm sorry, my friend.
I'm alone here today.
183
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:18,110
I'd hoped that my loyal chum
Sir Edmund Blackadder would be here,
184
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:23,280
but unfortunately his wife's sister's
puppy fell into the strawberry patch.
185
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,350
So, naturally, he can't be with us.
186
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,640
All I can do is bid
you do your duty well.
187
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,120
Well, thank you, Your Majesty.
188
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:38,600
May I say
how much I mourn for your lot,
189
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:42,680
and bid you remember others
before you who have died unjustly.
190
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,280
Thank you.
I take great solace from that.
191
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,720
Sir Thomas More, for instance.
A great generous man to the last.
192
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:51,720
He apparently tipped
his executioner, handsomely.
193
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:56,000
I'm so sorry,
I thought service was included.
194
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:57,600
Here you are.
195
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,550
- And then there was the Earl of Essex.
- Was there?
196
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,080
A truly great man.
197
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:08,320
They still sing his famous ballad
in The Chepstow Arms.
198
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:09,550
What ballad is that?
199
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,840
# The Earl he had a thousand
sovereigns, hey nonny no #
200
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,830
# He gave them all away
to the man with the axe... oh. #
201
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,560
- A thousand sovereigns?
- You can't take it with you, Majesty.
202
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,760
Very true.
There you are. Keep the change.
203
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,230
Thank you, Your Majesty.
Right, should we go?
204
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:30,840
Just a moment!
205
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,990
That voice has
a strangely familiar ring.
206
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,800
And so does that finger.
207
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:38,640
Blackadder!
208
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,800
Hello, Your Majesty!
209
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,190
You cunning swine!
210
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:45,960
Yes, well...
211
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,560
Marvellous! Splendid!
212
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,920
You've duped Cromwell and you've
concocted a cunning plan...
213
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,120
...to help me and my infant son
escape to France.
214
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,790
Yes, that's right. Yes.
215
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,750
So, let's put your cunning plan
into operation straight away.
216
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,640
Yes, let's...
217
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,720
- Well, you start the ball rolling.
- No, no, after you.
218
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,280
Right... yes...
219
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,640
Oh, yes, right.
And it's a very good plan.
220
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,590
It's a staggering
bowel-shatteringly good plan.
221
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:26,160
- Is the King ready?
- He is. Come, Your Majesty.
222
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,800
This is the head of a traitor.
223
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:49,560
No, it's not.
It's a huge pumpkin...
224
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,160
...with a pathetic moustache
drawn on it.
225
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:57,200
Oh yes, so it is. Sorry.
I'll try again.
226
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,760
Well sir,
they can't say you didn't try.
227
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,110
Now the future
of the British monarchy...
228
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:15,360
...lies fast asleep in your arms,
in the person of this infant prince.
229
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:19,230
And with the money you've earned
you and he can escape to France.
230
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,800
Well, quite.
231
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,750
On the other hand, you can stay here
and as a known loyalist,
232
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,880
the Roundheads will come
and cut your head off.
233
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,680
Exactly, Baldrick.
234
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,310
- Oh, my God.
- Surround the house, men.
235
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,550
Oh no! We're surrounded!
What'll we do?
236
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,040
At times like this Baldrick,
there's no choice for a man of honour.
237
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:42,400
He must stand and fight and die
in defence of his future sovereign.
238
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,520
Unfortunately,
I'm not a man of honour.
239
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:54,670
Thank God you've come!
Seize the royalist scum!
20191
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