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1
00:00:01,274 --> 00:00:03,344
Of all the people
you fucked‐‐my mother?
2
00:00:03,340 --> 00:00:04,930
Hey, somebody had to!
Oh, you piece of shit!
3
00:00:04,927 --> 00:00:07,387
Take your stuff
and get the fuck out!
4
00:00:07,389 --> 00:00:10,189
Fuck you!
Hey, double fuck you!
5
00:00:10,187 --> 00:00:12,187
[laughs]And in New York,
6
00:00:12,191 --> 00:00:14,151
that's consideredpillow talk!
7
00:00:14,153 --> 00:00:17,203
[laughter, applause]
8
00:00:17,201 --> 00:00:20,171
Hi, folks.
I'm your tour guide Rita,
9
00:00:20,165 --> 00:00:22,375
and we'll be seeing
little vignettes like that
10
00:00:22,378 --> 00:00:24,258
being played out
from improvisers
11
00:00:24,257 --> 00:00:26,257
like Billy and Janet
over there.
12
00:00:26,261 --> 00:00:27,811
[crowd whooping]
13
00:00:27,806 --> 00:00:30,016
Very nice.
Very, very nice.
14
00:00:30,018 --> 00:00:32,608
So here's a fun fact
about my life.
15
00:00:32,607 --> 00:00:34,697
My life partner Kiki moved out
16
00:00:34,695 --> 00:00:37,735
since I adopted a family of rats
that I keep as pets.
17
00:00:37,742 --> 00:00:40,732
Fuckin' hate my life.
I'm gonna fuckin'
18
00:00:40,732 --> 00:00:42,262
blow my brains out
when I get home.
19
00:00:42,261 --> 00:00:43,421
Fuckin' Trump voters.
Trump voting pieces of shit.
20
00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:45,090
Fucking homophobic
pieces of shit.
21
00:00:45,090 --> 00:00:47,260
Fuckin racist.
Home‐schooled
22
00:00:47,261 --> 00:00:48,761
fuckin' Sarah Palin
23
00:00:48,764 --> 00:00:50,434
is their beauty icon.
Fuck you!
24
00:00:50,434 --> 00:00:52,064
What's more important, right?
25
00:00:52,062 --> 00:00:54,282
My life partner
or my rat family?
26
00:00:54,275 --> 00:00:55,945
[laughs]
Okay, let's give it up
27
00:00:55,945 --> 00:00:58,405
to these two dipshit
improvisers, right?
28
00:00:58,408 --> 00:01:00,578
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, dipshit improvisers!
29
00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:02,500
[laughs]
30
00:01:02,499 --> 00:01:04,379
Okay, now, movin' on...
31
00:01:04,378 --> 00:01:07,088
Well, as I've said
to many a first date,
32
00:01:07,092 --> 00:01:09,682
welcome to the bottom.
Just when you think things
33
00:01:09,681 --> 00:01:11,431
couldn't get more degrading,
34
00:01:11,434 --> 00:01:14,524
we are improvising
for tourists outside.
35
00:01:14,524 --> 00:01:16,494
I hope my face
doesn't get too chapped.
36
00:01:16,486 --> 00:01:17,816
I'm getting new head shots
after this.
37
00:01:17,822 --> 00:01:18,912
New Tinder pic?
38
00:01:18,908 --> 00:01:20,698
No. I'm over Tinder.
39
00:01:20,703 --> 00:01:23,633
Too many nice guys.
I'm so sick of nice.
40
00:01:23,626 --> 00:01:26,416
No, these are for work.
I saw an ad for free head shots.
41
00:01:26,422 --> 00:01:28,302
Hey, do you wanna
get some too?
42
00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:30,561
You know, I would, but
I prefer using the head shot
43
00:01:30,556 --> 00:01:32,516
where I'm still at
my original goal weight.
44
00:01:32,519 --> 00:01:34,059
Sure, people are surprised
when I show up
45
00:01:34,063 --> 00:01:35,693
and I'm no longer 11,
46
00:01:35,692 --> 00:01:37,072
but I still have hope
in my eyes.
47
00:01:37,069 --> 00:01:38,529
Besides, I have plans later.
48
00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:40,121
Food or TV related?
49
00:01:40,117 --> 00:01:42,287
Both, girlfriend.
I am curling up
50
00:01:42,287 --> 00:01:44,167
with my snack blankets
to watch
51
00:01:44,166 --> 00:01:46,956
the Lifetime movie
to end all Lifetime movies.
52
00:01:46,964 --> 00:01:50,054
They are doing a male reboot
of "Thelma & Louise."
53
00:01:50,053 --> 00:01:52,983
Ah! The reverse
"Ghost Busters'ing" has begun.
54
00:01:52,976 --> 00:01:54,766
Isn't it comforting to know
that at no point
55
00:01:54,771 --> 00:01:56,731
someone at Lifetime was like,
"Maybe people
56
00:01:56,733 --> 00:01:58,573
"don't wanna watch two men
going around beating up women
57
00:01:58,571 --> 00:01:59,951
until they drive off a cliff
together"?
58
00:01:59,948 --> 00:02:01,738
Oh, next bus.
59
00:02:01,743 --> 00:02:04,253
Oh. Time to dance for
more evolution deniers.
60
00:02:04,248 --> 00:02:06,128
And you can take all your
fuckin' shit,
61
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:09,217
you cheatin' pig!
Hey, it's not my fault
62
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,466
that your father eats pussy
like he was starving!
63
00:02:11,471 --> 00:02:14,311
Hey, fuck you!
Fuck you!
64
00:02:14,310 --> 00:02:17,440
[driving punk rock music]
65
00:02:17,441 --> 00:02:19,651
♪ ♪
66
00:02:19,654 --> 00:02:21,414
LOUIS: Thelmo?
THELMO: Yeah, Louis?
67
00:02:21,407 --> 00:02:23,287
LOUIS: I'm getting a real knack
for this shit.
68
00:02:23,286 --> 00:02:25,456
Beatin' up bitches, I mean.
[woman screams]
69
00:02:25,457 --> 00:02:27,087
This is bad for women.
70
00:02:27,085 --> 00:02:29,505
Well, signature cocktail,
I did it.
71
00:02:29,508 --> 00:02:32,638
I installed your new
Soda Stream showerhead.
72
00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,229
Your dream of carbonated showers
to jazz up your mornings
73
00:02:35,227 --> 00:02:37,057
has become a reality.
Hey, babe,
74
00:02:37,064 --> 00:02:39,194
I need a breather from
the Sweet Snack Blanket.
75
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,203
Can you grab the Savory one
from the bedroom?
76
00:02:41,197 --> 00:02:43,787
You're welcome.
Yeah, the soda syrup attachment
77
00:02:43,786 --> 00:02:46,166
was a nightmare to hang,
but...I did it.
78
00:02:46,165 --> 00:02:47,875
[women screaming]
When's dinner?
79
00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:49,707
Uh, America runs on Dunkin,
80
00:02:49,714 --> 00:02:52,054
I'm starting to feel
a little taken for granted
81
00:02:52,052 --> 00:02:54,182
and, you know,
not really listened to.
82
00:02:54,181 --> 00:02:56,061
Mm‐hmm. Exactly.
83
00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:57,900
Don't you feel the new
"Rocky Horror's"
84
00:02:57,897 --> 00:03:00,777
so much better than the old one?
The one with Laverne Cox?
85
00:03:00,778 --> 00:03:02,738
They're deleting the original.
Did you know that?
86
00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:04,450
[women screaming]
Yeah, yeah, great.
87
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:06,331
THELMO: I don't recall
ever feelin' this awake‐‐
88
00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:07,880
chainsawin' women's legs off!
[women screaming]
89
00:03:07,876 --> 00:03:10,336
NATE: Hey, nice pictures.
90
00:03:10,338 --> 00:03:12,008
Thanks.
I got new head shots.
91
00:03:12,009 --> 00:03:13,639
Not bad, right?
Yeah.
92
00:03:13,637 --> 00:03:14,967
And they were free.
Free head shots?
93
00:03:14,973 --> 00:03:16,853
What'd you have to do,
94
00:03:16,852 --> 00:03:19,192
Promise not to have sex
with a photographer?
95
00:03:19,189 --> 00:03:20,989
Pull a reverse Coco
from "Fame"
96
00:03:20,985 --> 00:03:22,195
and just keep putting on
more and more clothes
97
00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:23,735
while you cried?
98
00:03:23,741 --> 00:03:25,701
Hey, Billy, autograph one
for me.
99
00:03:25,703 --> 00:03:27,923
Once you make it,
I'll hang it on the wall.
100
00:03:27,915 --> 00:03:29,745
Aw, thanks, Nate.
You got it.
101
00:03:29,753 --> 00:03:31,923
That'll be the only time
Billy's ever hung.
102
00:03:31,923 --> 00:03:34,603
Ooh, snap, snap, Joe Papp,
103
00:03:34,596 --> 00:03:36,056
public theater, water tap,
104
00:03:36,057 --> 00:03:37,477
if he hollers, let him go,
105
00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:39,016
Laurie Metcalf,
Margaret Cho.
106
00:03:39,021 --> 00:03:40,981
There you go.
Billy, I'm always
107
00:03:40,983 --> 00:03:43,823
in your corner.
I'm sure you're gonna make it.
108
00:03:46,662 --> 00:03:48,792
Yes, doctor,
the swelling is gone,
109
00:03:48,791 --> 00:03:51,671
but I'm afraid
so is most of the filler!
110
00:03:51,672 --> 00:03:53,472
Being as thin as I am,
I'm worried
111
00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,346
that my skin might crepe.
112
00:03:55,345 --> 00:03:58,555
Okay, I'll text you a picture,
but call me back.
113
00:03:59,436 --> 00:04:00,646
[click]
114
00:04:00,648 --> 00:04:03,108
Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
115
00:04:03,111 --> 00:04:04,951
You know how difficult it is
116
00:04:04,948 --> 00:04:06,538
to get a doctor
to call you back.
117
00:04:06,535 --> 00:04:07,945
So where were we?
We were talking about
118
00:04:07,954 --> 00:04:09,624
how my mom puts herself first,
119
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:11,134
second, and third.
120
00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:12,757
That sounds a lot like
my daughter.
121
00:04:12,755 --> 00:04:14,675
I mean, I guess she has
this high‐pressure job‐‐
122
00:04:14,676 --> 00:04:16,716
Boom! No longer
like my daughter.
123
00:04:16,722 --> 00:04:18,602
[laughing]
If you knew my daughter,
124
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,940
you'd realize
how that is very funny.
125
00:04:20,938 --> 00:04:22,858
So my mom's this
big‐deal editor, so what?
126
00:04:22,859 --> 00:04:25,029
Slow down, slow down.
Editor? What, for books?
127
00:04:25,030 --> 00:04:26,580
Yeah. My mom
runs Veronica Ford.
128
00:04:26,575 --> 00:04:28,365
Oh!
Like last week, when I got
129
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,079
into that car accident
on the way to our session,
130
00:04:30,081 --> 00:04:31,791
she didn't even pick me up
from the hospital.
131
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,803
I had to get a Chore Rabbit.
The vibrator?
132
00:04:33,797 --> 00:04:35,547
What? No. It's that app
133
00:04:35,551 --> 00:04:37,561
where you get strangers
to do your tasks for you?
134
00:04:37,555 --> 00:04:39,635
Anyway, my mom left me
at the hospital
135
00:04:39,642 --> 00:04:41,272
'cause she was closing
Steve Bannon's deal
136
00:04:41,270 --> 00:04:43,610
to do a sci‐fi novel
set out of Yeshiva.
137
00:04:43,609 --> 00:04:45,949
Wait a minute‐‐You were in an
accident in this neighborhood?
138
00:04:45,946 --> 00:04:47,696
Yeah. Right outside
your office.
139
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:48,870
Last Tuesday?
140
00:04:48,869 --> 00:04:50,829
Remember?
141
00:04:50,831 --> 00:04:52,461
I called you from
the ambulance and you told me
142
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,959
about your
no‐cancellation policy?
143
00:04:53,962 --> 00:04:57,092
Oh, my God.
That could have been me.
144
00:04:57,094 --> 00:04:59,564
I was gonna move my car
at that moment
145
00:04:59,557 --> 00:05:01,767
for alternate side
of the street parking.
146
00:05:01,770 --> 00:05:04,110
I could have been killed.
147
00:05:04,108 --> 00:05:06,108
Right. But you didn't
get into a car accident.
148
00:05:06,112 --> 00:05:08,952
I did.
Enough about you, Alexis!
149
00:05:08,951 --> 00:05:11,251
I could have been wiped out.
150
00:05:11,247 --> 00:05:13,877
And then what would I have
to show for my life?
151
00:05:13,877 --> 00:05:15,587
I need a legacy,
and you need to
152
00:05:15,589 --> 00:05:17,339
leave your check
on the chair.
153
00:05:17,342 --> 00:05:18,342
[sighs]
154
00:05:18,344 --> 00:05:20,314
What is my legacy?
155
00:05:20,306 --> 00:05:21,766
[inhales]
156
00:05:21,768 --> 00:05:25,568
[loudly] Nam myoho renge kyo!
157
00:05:25,568 --> 00:05:28,238
[upbeat music]
158
00:05:28,239 --> 00:05:31,619
Rental agreement...
you like?
159
00:05:31,621 --> 00:05:32,871
Oh, look at you!
You dressed up
160
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,714
for Blues Brothers Night also!
161
00:05:34,711 --> 00:05:37,881
Greg is Elwood tonight,
because I'm switching it up.
162
00:05:37,884 --> 00:05:39,974
Actually, click bait,
I'm dressed for dinner.
163
00:05:39,971 --> 00:05:42,431
We have reservations
at Eleven Madison Park.
164
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:43,984
But I'm about to take
a bath.
165
00:05:43,979 --> 00:05:45,899
You should have told me.
Oh, I did.
166
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:48,240
Get changed!
I have many surprises in store
167
00:05:48,237 --> 00:05:50,027
for our anniversary.
168
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:52,083
Arthur, you know my philosophy
about anniversaries.
169
00:05:52,078 --> 00:05:54,498
I don't think unmarried
couples have them.
170
00:05:54,499 --> 00:05:56,759
It's too arbitrary.
What are we commemorating?
171
00:05:56,755 --> 00:05:59,425
Our first date, moving in,
anal?
172
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:02,096
It isn't arbitrary.
Today marks the first time
173
00:06:02,098 --> 00:06:03,978
you referred to me
as your boyfriend.
174
00:06:03,977 --> 00:06:06,067
Granted, it was to make
your roommate
175
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,985
feel bad about being single...
Oh, right.
176
00:06:07,985 --> 00:06:09,525
Dead Tooth Lisa.
177
00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:11,790
Ooh! The horrors
of the human body.
178
00:06:11,785 --> 00:06:14,205
The 25th was the day
you said boyfriend.
179
00:06:14,206 --> 00:06:16,456
It was unforgettable.
180
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,510
And the first time
I felt safe.
181
00:06:18,507 --> 00:06:20,467
But, Arthur, I'm about
to fill the tub up
182
00:06:20,468 --> 00:06:21,928
with some hot seltzer.
183
00:06:21,930 --> 00:06:23,640
Can't we just
take a rain check?
184
00:06:23,642 --> 00:06:25,982
No!
God damn it!
185
00:06:25,980 --> 00:06:28,110
This mattered to me
as a couple.
186
00:06:28,109 --> 00:06:29,859
I'm your boyfriend,
not your assistant.
187
00:06:29,862 --> 00:06:31,662
I was gonna surprise you
188
00:06:31,658 --> 00:06:33,618
with a suite
at a fancy hotel,
189
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:36,420
but I got a better idea‐‐
I'm going myself.
190
00:06:36,417 --> 00:06:38,337
[door closes]
Oh...
191
00:06:38,337 --> 00:06:41,337
if he'd led with the hotel
suite, I would have rallied.
192
00:06:41,343 --> 00:06:44,473
[upbeat music]
193
00:06:44,474 --> 00:06:46,604
Hey, I said no spicy
mustard on my hot dog!
194
00:06:46,604 --> 00:06:48,274
It ain't spicy, pal!
195
00:06:48,274 --> 00:06:50,614
Oh, fuck you!
I want my money back.
196
00:06:50,612 --> 00:06:53,412
Fuck you! You're not
gettin' it back!
197
00:06:53,409 --> 00:06:56,499
Here in New York, that'sconsidered pillow talk!
198
00:06:56,498 --> 00:06:58,128
[laughter, applause]
199
00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:00,627
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Those dumb New Yorkers
200
00:07:00,632 --> 00:07:02,342
are animals!
201
00:07:02,343 --> 00:07:04,103
[laughter, applause]
202
00:07:04,097 --> 00:07:06,477
Speaking of animals,
who wants to see photos
203
00:07:06,477 --> 00:07:10,227
of my pet rats dressed up
in graduation cap and gown?
204
00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:12,824
Billy, I can't with this
today‐‐I need help.
205
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:14,033
I've already blown up
the microwave
206
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,754
and broke my new shower.
207
00:07:15,746 --> 00:07:18,416
Arthur went to that hotel
by himself last night,
208
00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:21,257
and he never even called me.
209
00:07:21,256 --> 00:07:23,926
Wait. Are you in an ad?
210
00:07:27,435 --> 00:07:28,725
That's my free head shot.
211
00:07:28,730 --> 00:07:30,980
They can't do that!
212
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,994
Did you sign a waiver?
213
00:07:32,988 --> 00:07:35,198
Well, the photographer
asked me for my autograph
214
00:07:35,201 --> 00:07:37,291
in case I ever made it big
one day.
215
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:41,384
I'm an idiot!
216
00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:44,220
I'm an idiot in an
anti‐circumcism ad.
217
00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:49,019
JULIE: So you did sign a waiver?
Well, yeah.
218
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:50,610
But then this fucking
asshole photographer
219
00:07:50,607 --> 00:07:51,987
sold my likeness
to the ad agency.
220
00:07:51,985 --> 00:07:54,735
It's ridiculous!
I even gave him
221
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,580
a thank‐you blow job.
Ugh! Nothing in New York
222
00:07:56,578 --> 00:07:58,788
is free.
Was it good, at least?
223
00:07:58,790 --> 00:08:00,330
How was his dick?
Confusing.
224
00:08:00,334 --> 00:08:02,214
And then this waiver
is insane.
225
00:08:02,213 --> 00:08:04,973
Listen to this.
"This agency can use my likeness
226
00:08:04,969 --> 00:08:07,019
"in all media that has
or hasn't yet been invented
227
00:08:07,015 --> 00:08:08,725
"throughout the universe,
in eternity,
228
00:08:08,727 --> 00:08:10,647
and whatever else
may come after eternity."
229
00:08:10,647 --> 00:08:12,397
The only time Godless
Hollywood
230
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:14,780
ever evokes the afterlife
is in its paperwork.
231
00:08:14,780 --> 00:08:16,830
Meanwhile, still no Arthur,
and this apartment
232
00:08:16,826 --> 00:08:18,996
is a bigger mess than
"How To Get Away With Murder."
233
00:08:18,997 --> 00:08:20,707
I ordered a Chore Rabbit
to help.
234
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,589
Mr. Epstein?
Todd's ready for you.
235
00:08:22,588 --> 00:08:25,008
All right, I gotta go.
Time to play struggling actor
236
00:08:25,009 --> 00:08:26,799
that doesn't know any better.
237
00:08:26,804 --> 00:08:28,734
Ah, the ol' "Sharon Lawrence."
238
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:31,805
I miss Dennis Franz's ass.
Bye.
239
00:08:31,814 --> 00:08:34,154
So you see, as an actor
starting out,
240
00:08:34,152 --> 00:08:36,072
this anti‐circumcision campaign,
241
00:08:36,073 --> 00:08:37,913
it could really limit
my opportunities down the road.
242
00:08:37,910 --> 00:08:39,540
Do you know what I mean?
243
00:08:39,538 --> 00:08:41,748
Like the Old Spice hot guy
in the towel?
244
00:08:41,751 --> 00:08:44,011
Oh. Yeah, he was
definitely hot.
245
00:08:44,005 --> 00:08:45,255
Yeah. He was really hot.
246
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,968
Oh, did you go to Yale?
247
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:48,350
Yeah. Did you?
248
00:08:48,347 --> 00:08:50,727
I did!
Hey!
249
00:08:50,727 --> 00:08:52,477
Whoa!
Well...
250
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,780
since you're a fellow
Yalie...
251
00:08:54,777 --> 00:08:57,237
Oh, my God,
thank you so much.
252
00:08:57,240 --> 00:08:59,540
I really appreciate
anything that you can do.
253
00:08:59,537 --> 00:09:01,827
I'll let you use my phone.
I'm sorry.
254
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,133
To call a lawyer to
get you out of your contract.
255
00:09:04,129 --> 00:09:06,259
But good luck,
'cause that shit is airtight.
256
00:09:06,258 --> 00:09:07,678
You're not gonna
help me out here?
257
00:09:07,678 --> 00:09:10,138
What's that expression,
that...
258
00:09:10,141 --> 00:09:12,191
No.
What the fuck?
259
00:09:12,186 --> 00:09:14,566
Why are you being such a dick?
Hey, it's not my fault
260
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:16,107
you signed something
without reading it.
261
00:09:16,111 --> 00:09:17,621
Okay, so let me
get this straight.
262
00:09:17,615 --> 00:09:19,785
Your ad agency
tricks broke actors
263
00:09:19,785 --> 00:09:22,075
into becoming your models?
That is so sad.
264
00:09:22,081 --> 00:09:24,131
Oh, but nothing's sad
about needing free head shots?
265
00:09:24,127 --> 00:09:26,507
They're like 40 bucks.
Or blow the photographer.
266
00:09:26,507 --> 00:09:27,887
Eew! Villain.
267
00:09:27,885 --> 00:09:29,595
Fine! We'll have to
268
00:09:29,597 --> 00:09:31,767
figure this out another way.
Yeah?
269
00:09:31,768 --> 00:09:34,608
Yeah. And by the way,
great ad agency you have here.
270
00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:36,607
I seem to forget
the episode of "Mad Men"
271
00:09:36,611 --> 00:09:39,621
where Don Draper books the
big anti‐circumcision campaign.
272
00:09:39,617 --> 00:09:40,987
It's inspired
an entire movement!
273
00:09:40,994 --> 00:09:42,924
Men march down the streets
274
00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:45,205
being vocal about how bad they
feel about their cocks.
275
00:09:45,211 --> 00:09:46,881
Oh, good for you.
276
00:09:46,881 --> 00:09:48,761
You've given Reddit users
something to do outside.
277
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,060
Well, on the plus side,
the "Nobody Asked Me" campaign
278
00:09:51,056 --> 00:09:52,976
is more exposure
than you'll ever get,
279
00:09:52,976 --> 00:09:54,856
you sad 40‐year‐old waiter.
280
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,355
I'm 36,
and the joke's on you,
281
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,200
because Olympia Dukakis
didn't get her big break
282
00:09:59,197 --> 00:10:00,657
until she was 64!
283
00:10:00,659 --> 00:10:02,369
You're just embarrassing
yourself.
284
00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,420
Says the 40‐something
in skinny jeans.
285
00:10:04,416 --> 00:10:06,376
38, and they're slim fit.
And I'm calling security.
286
00:10:06,378 --> 00:10:08,508
Good! Call security.
What do I care?
287
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:11,388
I'm the fucking
anti‐circumcision guy now!
288
00:10:11,388 --> 00:10:13,268
Fuck you!
This isn't over.
289
00:10:13,267 --> 00:10:15,557
I couldn't agree more.
Hey, fuck you!
290
00:10:15,564 --> 00:10:17,194
Hey, fuck you!
Fuck you!
291
00:10:17,191 --> 00:10:18,281
Fuck you.
292
00:10:18,277 --> 00:10:20,567
[pop music]
293
00:10:20,574 --> 00:10:22,624
Perfect!
What's perfect?
294
00:10:22,619 --> 00:10:24,669
That sexy‐ass scene
in "Cocoon"
295
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:26,585
where Don Ameche
and Wilford Brimley
296
00:10:26,586 --> 00:10:28,796
do a water ballet?
No, you asshole
297
00:10:28,798 --> 00:10:30,838
with a stereotype attached.
298
00:10:30,844 --> 00:10:33,314
No, I'm finally using Facebook
for the way it was intended.
299
00:10:33,307 --> 00:10:35,227
Sharing that sexy‐ass scene
from "Cocoon"
300
00:10:35,227 --> 00:10:37,267
where Don Ameche and Wilford
Brimley do a water ballet?
301
00:10:37,273 --> 00:10:39,903
No!
I'm linking to a fake page
302
00:10:39,904 --> 00:10:41,534
to get revenge on this guy.
303
00:10:41,532 --> 00:10:43,872
"Recovery group
for Yale sex offenders,
304
00:10:43,870 --> 00:10:45,710
"and founder and president
Todd
305
00:10:45,707 --> 00:10:47,837
has gone 13 days
without an offense!"
306
00:10:47,836 --> 00:10:49,966
Why not kill him
with kindness?
307
00:10:49,965 --> 00:10:52,425
When they go low,
you go high.
308
00:10:52,428 --> 00:10:54,268
It always works.
309
00:10:54,265 --> 00:10:56,845
Send him an Edible Arrangement.
Ooh! Blind item.
310
00:10:56,854 --> 00:10:59,364
I once had an edible arrangement
with Clive Davis.
311
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,239
Holy shit! Todd must have
seen the page.
312
00:11:01,238 --> 00:11:03,828
He just wrote back.
"Bad move, old waiter.
313
00:11:03,827 --> 00:11:05,367
You're punching above
your weight."
314
00:11:05,371 --> 00:11:07,331
[gasps]
But how is that possible?
315
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,213
I‐I mean,
who's above your weight?
316
00:11:09,212 --> 00:11:12,392
Matthew, you make Peter Tolan
and Milo Yiannopoulos
317
00:11:12,385 --> 00:11:14,215
look like the best
we have to offer.
318
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:18,614
JULIE: Who is it?
It's Rick from Chore Rabbit.
319
00:11:18,606 --> 00:11:20,226
Wow, already?
That was fast.
320
00:11:20,234 --> 00:11:22,364
I just ordered you.
Well, you know,
321
00:11:22,363 --> 00:11:24,033
we're not "chore turtles."
322
00:11:24,033 --> 00:11:27,163
[laughing]
323
00:11:27,164 --> 00:11:29,464
Let's take a look around.
324
00:11:29,460 --> 00:11:31,630
Wow.
Uh‐huh.
325
00:11:31,632 --> 00:11:33,552
[clicks tongue]
I know, it's pretty bad.
326
00:11:33,553 --> 00:11:36,103
But my boyfriend's
usually the one who cleans,
327
00:11:36,099 --> 00:11:39,019
and I'm the...well,
I'm the funny, arty one.
328
00:11:39,022 --> 00:11:42,282
You hush. You don't ever
have to apologize to me
329
00:11:42,278 --> 00:11:43,698
or explain yourself to me.
330
00:11:43,698 --> 00:11:45,948
You ask...and I do.
331
00:11:45,952 --> 00:11:47,712
And I want nothing in return.
332
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:49,666
Wow, amazing!
333
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:52,088
If I remembered your name,
I would thank you personally,
334
00:11:52,089 --> 00:11:55,009
so...instead I say, Rabbit,
where have you been all my life?
335
00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:56,972
[laughing]
Waiting for you to call,
336
00:11:56,974 --> 00:11:59,484
Choremistress.
337
00:12:02,068 --> 00:12:04,488
So the first thing is, um,
my showerhead is broken,
338
00:12:04,489 --> 00:12:06,449
if you don't mind
taking a look at that.
339
00:12:06,451 --> 00:12:08,751
I've been having to use
the ladies' room at Red Lobster
340
00:12:08,748 --> 00:12:10,378
and wipe down my privates
with a wet nap.
341
00:12:10,376 --> 00:12:13,626
The ol' "Sharon Lawrence,"
right? I get it.
342
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,393
And then I have
some laundry as well,
343
00:12:15,386 --> 00:12:17,386
and I'm actually kinda hungry.
344
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:20,150
Is there any...rule against
ordering more than one Rabbit?
345
00:12:20,145 --> 00:12:22,685
No, that's fine‐‐just push
multiply on the app.
346
00:12:22,693 --> 00:12:26,373
We're here to serve only...
you.
347
00:12:26,366 --> 00:12:31,326
[inhales and exhales shakily]
348
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:34,554
[light piano music]
349
00:12:34,550 --> 00:12:36,510
Ms. Ford.
Veronica.
350
00:12:36,512 --> 00:12:39,312
Veronica.
Veron‐‐Well, it's very hard
351
00:12:39,308 --> 00:12:41,098
talking to you like this.
352
00:12:41,104 --> 00:12:43,074
I start every day
upside down.
353
00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:45,316
It gets the blood out of
my heart and into my head
354
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,160
where it belongs.
Alex!
355
00:12:47,158 --> 00:12:49,078
Spin me!
356
00:12:50,999 --> 00:12:52,459
Ohh...
357
00:12:53,669 --> 00:12:54,919
Be gone!
358
00:12:56,217 --> 00:12:57,847
Officious little queen.
359
00:12:57,846 --> 00:13:00,726
Okay, so what is wrong
with my daughter?
360
00:13:00,727 --> 00:13:02,227
You told my assistant
that she may be at risk
361
00:13:02,229 --> 00:13:03,939
of harming herself or others?
362
00:13:03,941 --> 00:13:05,861
Yes. And as a mental health
professional,
363
00:13:05,862 --> 00:13:08,912
I take my duty to warn
very seriously.
364
00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:12,120
Alexis was at risk of harming
millions of potential readers
365
00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:15,214
when she refused to give you
my book proposal.
366
00:13:15,214 --> 00:13:17,224
By the way,
I have a book proposal.
367
00:13:17,218 --> 00:13:19,218
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
368
00:13:19,222 --> 00:13:21,602
Actually, I have more to say.
Actually, no, you don't.
369
00:13:21,602 --> 00:13:23,192
Actually‐‐
Actually,
370
00:13:23,188 --> 00:13:24,938
you're never going to
out‐actually me,
371
00:13:24,942 --> 00:13:26,952
so stop.
372
00:13:26,946 --> 00:13:28,826
I only sell titles
that dazzle
373
00:13:28,825 --> 00:13:31,035
by authors with buzz:
"Dress For the Job you Want
374
00:13:31,037 --> 00:13:32,827
Or the Blowjob Your
Boss Wants,"
375
00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:34,963
by Roger Ailes.
Rest in power, Rog.
376
00:13:34,962 --> 00:13:37,222
"Oops, If I Did It Again.
377
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:39,346
The OJ 'What If?' sequel"?
378
00:13:39,345 --> 00:13:41,175
No one knows who you are.
379
00:13:41,182 --> 00:13:43,022
You're in my office,
and I don't know who you are.
380
00:13:43,019 --> 00:13:44,649
Well, once my book
is published,
381
00:13:44,648 --> 00:13:46,528
everyone will know who I am.
382
00:13:46,527 --> 00:13:48,867
I am going to be like doctors
Phil, Laura, and Oz
383
00:13:48,865 --> 00:13:51,035
all combined in a tight
little package.
384
00:13:51,035 --> 00:13:53,035
Thank you, Pilates,
and strength of character.
385
00:13:53,039 --> 00:13:55,249
Let's discuss
strength of character.
386
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:56,882
You had the nerve
to get in here
387
00:13:56,881 --> 00:13:59,851
by lying about my daughter's
mental health.
388
00:13:59,845 --> 00:14:02,595
That is a total...
cunt move.
389
00:14:03,519 --> 00:14:05,439
I love cunt moves.
390
00:14:05,439 --> 00:14:09,069
I respect them
and the cunts that move them!
391
00:14:09,071 --> 00:14:10,661
[whispers]
Namaste.
392
00:14:10,658 --> 00:14:13,288
So I'm gonna give you
some free advice.
393
00:14:13,288 --> 00:14:15,838
Every famous shrink
has a catchphrase.
394
00:14:15,835 --> 00:14:17,585
Keep talking.
I'm getting very aroused.
395
00:14:17,589 --> 00:14:18,929
Normal or not normal?
396
00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:20,845
I'm the wrong person to ask.
397
00:14:20,845 --> 00:14:22,515
I have to think about plane
crashes to achieve orgasm.
398
00:14:22,515 --> 00:14:23,805
Mm‐hmm.
399
00:14:23,809 --> 00:14:25,769
So do you have a catchphrase?
400
00:14:25,772 --> 00:14:27,402
Yes, of course I do.
401
00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:29,149
I...say a phrase
402
00:14:29,153 --> 00:14:31,493
at the end of every session.
403
00:14:31,491 --> 00:14:32,911
Um...
404
00:14:32,911 --> 00:14:34,871
"That's amore!"
405
00:14:34,873 --> 00:14:36,463
Awful.
406
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,629
Come up with a good
catchphrase,
407
00:14:38,631 --> 00:14:40,301
and I'll give you
a book deal.
408
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,100
Now, get out.
409
00:14:42,096 --> 00:14:43,976
I've gotta Skype with
the Boston Marathon bomber
410
00:14:43,975 --> 00:14:45,685
about his new YA series.
411
00:14:45,687 --> 00:14:48,527
Hey, how's your little
feudy‐dude thing going?
412
00:14:48,526 --> 00:14:50,776
Did the internet
revenge thing work?
413
00:14:50,780 --> 00:14:52,490
I think so.
I haven't heard a peep
414
00:14:52,491 --> 00:14:54,251
outta that asshole since.
I'm just glad to have
415
00:14:54,245 --> 00:14:55,785
all the negativity behind me.
416
00:14:55,790 --> 00:14:57,920
Oh, speaking of
negativity behind me,
417
00:14:57,919 --> 00:15:00,549
did I ever tell you about the
time Gore Vidal came on my back?
418
00:15:00,550 --> 00:15:01,800
Matthew!
Billy.
419
00:15:01,802 --> 00:15:03,222
Nate! Oh, this is fun.
420
00:15:03,221 --> 00:15:04,891
Billy!
421
00:15:07,062 --> 00:15:09,362
He put me in another ad?!
422
00:15:09,358 --> 00:15:11,448
Are you fucking kidding me?
423
00:15:11,446 --> 00:15:13,656
I must have a selfie!
424
00:15:13,659 --> 00:15:15,449
Oh, come here, Billy Billboard!
425
00:15:15,454 --> 00:15:16,834
Come to Matty!
426
00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,422
Here, Billy!
[horns honking]
427
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:19,878
Here, Billy‐‐
[glass shatters] Aaaah!
428
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,130
♪ ♪
429
00:15:22,134 --> 00:15:24,144
Is there anything else
we can do for you?
430
00:15:24,138 --> 00:15:26,728
Maybe just some
personal space.
431
00:15:26,727 --> 00:15:28,437
No offense, Rabbit.
432
00:15:28,438 --> 00:15:30,778
I'm used to one person
doing all of this for me.
433
00:15:30,777 --> 00:15:32,657
Arthur can do it all.
434
00:15:32,655 --> 00:15:34,485
He's like Justin Timberlake
435
00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:38,582
without having to constantly
prove that he's funny.
436
00:15:38,584 --> 00:15:41,264
[funny voice] Sounds like
somebody wants to eat
437
00:15:41,255 --> 00:15:44,505
some brown sugah
out of the box!
438
00:15:44,513 --> 00:15:46,813
Brown sugahhhhh!
439
00:15:46,809 --> 00:15:48,309
Ha ha ha.
440
00:15:49,313 --> 00:15:51,973
It's coming, honey.
441
00:15:53,488 --> 00:15:55,158
[all giggling, muttering]
442
00:15:55,158 --> 00:15:56,948
Todd, there is a fourth
guy here to see you.
443
00:15:56,954 --> 00:15:58,924
You might wanna come out here.
Is he coming?
444
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,666
I'm, like, needing it
hard and raw‐‐Jimmy Jonny,
445
00:16:01,672 --> 00:16:03,132
Jimmy Jonny, Jimmy Jonny.
446
00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:04,433
Jimmy Jonny‐‐
What is it?
447
00:16:04,426 --> 00:16:06,216
They say they answered
your ad.
448
00:16:06,222 --> 00:16:08,102
What ad?
449
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,021
Oh, my God, yes!
What the fuck?
450
00:16:10,021 --> 00:16:12,481
Yeah! There's that
dirty party boy!
451
00:16:12,484 --> 00:16:15,914
"Tina pass around party
bottom needs raw loads now"?
452
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,038
I didn't write this ad.
If I had,
453
00:16:17,035 --> 00:16:18,615
the copy'd be snappier.
454
00:16:18,622 --> 00:16:20,592
Then who did?
I wanna fuck!
455
00:16:20,585 --> 00:16:21,585
[all moaning]
456
00:16:21,587 --> 00:16:23,207
Old Waiter.
457
00:16:23,214 --> 00:16:24,594
[rock music]
458
00:16:24,593 --> 00:16:26,563
And then I keep trying
to drive
459
00:16:26,555 --> 00:16:29,475
since the accident,
but I'm terrified.
460
00:16:29,476 --> 00:16:32,066
Well, I have a little
saying about fear.
461
00:16:32,065 --> 00:16:34,565
Fear is just something...
462
00:16:34,571 --> 00:16:36,451
not near.
463
00:16:36,449 --> 00:16:39,459
Fear...is not here.
464
00:16:39,455 --> 00:16:41,625
Be not near, fear.
465
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,087
For I am here.
466
00:16:43,087 --> 00:16:44,967
What?
No, I'm sorry, Alexis.
467
00:16:44,966 --> 00:16:46,136
Please continue.
468
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:48,635
No, wait‐‐not continue.
469
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:51,521
Contin‐you.
Y‐o‐u.
470
00:16:51,521 --> 00:16:53,191
Oh, that is good.
But part of me wonders
471
00:16:53,191 --> 00:16:55,071
if the accident
was just me subconsciously
472
00:16:55,070 --> 00:16:57,120
trying to get my mom
to pay attention to me.
473
00:16:57,115 --> 00:16:59,155
That's a very interesting
concept.
474
00:16:59,161 --> 00:17:01,121
But seems a little complicated.
475
00:17:01,123 --> 00:17:04,213
Try thinking about that
in quick, marketable sentences
476
00:17:04,213 --> 00:17:06,723
like...how would you
blame your mother
477
00:17:06,718 --> 00:17:09,348
in a more...pithy way?
478
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:11,770
Yoo‐hoo, Rabbit.
479
00:17:11,770 --> 00:17:13,440
I want a...
480
00:17:13,439 --> 00:17:16,149
Actually, that sounds good.
I want a Yoo‐Hoo.
481
00:17:16,153 --> 00:17:17,663
RICK: Yes, Rabbitmistress.
482
00:17:17,657 --> 00:17:19,787
But I've laid some snacks
out for you.
483
00:17:19,786 --> 00:17:22,166
Why don't you come out
and take a look?
484
00:17:22,165 --> 00:17:25,835
[sighs] Not a fan of
walking to snacks, Rabbit.
485
00:17:28,052 --> 00:17:29,682
Hi. Um...
486
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:31,981
why don't you come over
and sit down
487
00:17:31,977 --> 00:17:34,107
and put your feet on me?
488
00:17:34,106 --> 00:17:37,066
Where are the other Rabbits?
I sent them away.
489
00:17:37,070 --> 00:17:39,120
You said there were
too many people here.
490
00:17:39,116 --> 00:17:40,826
Well, there's still
one too many.
491
00:17:40,828 --> 00:17:42,958
But Rabbitmistress,
I'm not a people.
492
00:17:42,957 --> 00:17:44,877
I'm a human table.
493
00:17:44,878 --> 00:17:46,628
Use me as you will.
494
00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:48,552
Now, why don't you
get over here,
495
00:17:48,552 --> 00:17:52,232
put your feet on me,
and eat your fucking snacks.
496
00:17:52,225 --> 00:17:56,895
[wheezy, shrill whimpering]
497
00:17:59,699 --> 00:18:02,709
[rock music]
498
00:18:02,705 --> 00:18:04,415
Oh, God.
499
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:07,586
Everybody's got a catchphrase
but me.
500
00:18:07,590 --> 00:18:10,470
"Me."
What about "me"?
501
00:18:10,470 --> 00:18:12,350
Don't leave me out.
502
00:18:12,349 --> 00:18:14,399
Hey, me, it's me!
503
00:18:14,395 --> 00:18:15,855
Ugh!
504
00:18:15,856 --> 00:18:18,436
Oh, God, please let this
be a protest
505
00:18:18,444 --> 00:18:20,124
and not an ethnic parade.
506
00:18:20,115 --> 00:18:21,945
ALL: [chanting]
No one asked me!
507
00:18:21,952 --> 00:18:23,452
No one asked me!
"No one asked me."
508
00:18:23,454 --> 00:18:25,004
No one asked‐‐
509
00:18:24,999 --> 00:18:26,499
No one asked me!
510
00:18:26,503 --> 00:18:28,803
That's it!
[men continue chanting]
511
00:18:28,799 --> 00:18:30,849
Condolences to your cocks,
512
00:18:30,845 --> 00:18:32,845
but I have my catchphrase.
513
00:18:32,849 --> 00:18:34,309
No one asked me.
514
00:18:34,309 --> 00:18:37,319
Wait a minute‐‐Billy?
515
00:18:37,315 --> 00:18:40,565
♪ ♪
516
00:18:40,573 --> 00:18:42,623
You!
You!
517
00:18:42,618 --> 00:18:44,538
Our lobby has bedbugs because
of those tweakers you sent.
518
00:18:44,539 --> 00:18:46,079
You made me the face
of Syphilis.
519
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,303
This isn't even close
to being even!
520
00:18:48,296 --> 00:18:50,296
Dude, I'm no longer
welcome at the Yale Club.
521
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,350
They think I'm a sex offender.
What'd I ever do to you?
522
00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,265
Huh? Besides get free
head shots?
523
00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:56,346
Oh, my God, I am over
you hot actor types
524
00:18:56,353 --> 00:18:58,443
thinking that the world
owes you something.
525
00:18:58,441 --> 00:19:01,361
Well, maybe the world
does owe me something!
526
00:19:01,363 --> 00:19:03,453
Wait. You think I'm a hot
actor type?
527
00:19:03,451 --> 00:19:05,291
What are you doing here?
528
00:19:05,288 --> 00:19:07,418
I was gonna plant
this KKK robe
529
00:19:07,417 --> 00:19:10,127
and this...Trump/Pence
sticker in your office
530
00:19:10,131 --> 00:19:12,301
so that your coworkers think
you're a racist piece of shit
531
00:19:12,302 --> 00:19:14,012
and you get fired.
532
00:19:14,014 --> 00:19:16,274
No way.
I was pissed!
533
00:19:16,268 --> 00:19:18,898
No, I mean, I was
on the way to the cafe
534
00:19:18,899 --> 00:19:20,569
to do the same thing.
535
00:19:20,569 --> 00:19:22,819
Wait a second.
How'd you know where I work?
536
00:19:22,824 --> 00:19:24,704
I might have Facebook
stalked you a little bit.
537
00:19:24,702 --> 00:19:27,962
Brilliant idea,
the Yale Group thing.
538
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,709
And 13 days
since my last offense:
539
00:19:29,712 --> 00:19:31,592
very nice detail.
540
00:19:31,591 --> 00:19:33,891
I may have Facebook stalked
you a little bit too.
541
00:19:33,887 --> 00:19:35,677
Looked like you had
a fun time in Cabo.
542
00:19:35,683 --> 00:19:37,943
Ah, I needed a vacation
from that vacation.
543
00:19:37,937 --> 00:19:40,527
Aw, see, I hate
when people say that.
544
00:19:40,526 --> 00:19:42,776
Me, too!
That was a test!
545
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:44,700
You're really fucked up.
You know that?
546
00:19:44,701 --> 00:19:46,411
You're really fucked up.
547
00:19:46,412 --> 00:19:49,422
[rock music]
548
00:19:49,418 --> 00:19:50,958
♪ ♪
549
00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:52,633
And here in New York,
550
00:19:52,633 --> 00:19:54,513
that's consideredpillow talk!
551
00:19:54,512 --> 00:19:56,142
[crowd booing]
552
00:19:56,140 --> 00:19:57,770
Come on!
553
00:19:57,768 --> 00:20:00,728
[continue booing]
554
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,903
No, no, no, no, no.
Stop moving around.
555
00:20:02,904 --> 00:20:04,284
Just relax‐eat.
556
00:20:04,281 --> 00:20:06,661
Uh...oh...
That's right.
557
00:20:06,661 --> 00:20:08,501
Too much spicy mustard
on the hot dog!
558
00:20:08,497 --> 00:20:10,587
This is not what I wanted.
559
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:12,206
You know what's next.
560
00:20:12,213 --> 00:20:13,933
[door closes]
Your seltzer bubble bath.
561
00:20:13,926 --> 00:20:15,926
I used diet Cola syrup.
562
00:20:15,930 --> 00:20:17,770
Before you get in,
I'll put a lemon wedge in
563
00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:19,477
so you know it's not
regular Coke.
564
00:20:19,478 --> 00:20:21,898
I don't want a bath.
I want Arthur!
565
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:23,900
ARTHUR: What the hell?
Pixy Stix pour!
566
00:20:23,904 --> 00:20:25,744
[choking, yelling]
567
00:20:25,741 --> 00:20:28,251
Arthur, help!
This Chore Rabbit
568
00:20:28,245 --> 00:20:30,785
is a doormat submissive
into non‐consensual humiliation,
569
00:20:30,793 --> 00:20:32,423
and he's pampering me
against my will!
570
00:20:32,420 --> 00:20:34,130
[shrilly] You're a liar!
571
00:20:34,132 --> 00:20:36,182
Hey, get away
from my girlfriend, Rabbit,
572
00:20:36,178 --> 00:20:37,678
or I'll treat you respectfully
573
00:20:37,682 --> 00:20:39,692
and insist on paying you
for your time.
574
00:20:39,686 --> 00:20:42,436
Come on!
O‐Okay. Hey...
575
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,490
How 'bout really quick,
you guys just
576
00:20:44,486 --> 00:20:46,066
roll me up in the carpet here
and take turns stepping on me?
577
00:20:46,073 --> 00:20:47,703
Not today, buddy.
No!
578
00:20:47,702 --> 00:20:49,042
Come on, let's go.
[whiny] All right.
579
00:20:49,037 --> 00:20:51,127
Jeez. Um, hey, pal,
580
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:54,835
what about 200 bucks to let me
clean your toilet with my face?
581
00:20:54,841 --> 00:20:57,011
[whispers] I can do that.
Find an online community.
582
00:20:57,012 --> 00:20:59,022
Okay...
Out!
583
00:20:59,016 --> 00:21:00,596
"Out"!
Leave the apartment.
584
00:21:00,602 --> 00:21:03,692
I am leaving the apartment.
Okay.
585
00:21:03,692 --> 00:21:05,612
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
586
00:21:05,612 --> 00:21:07,532
You were right, I was wrong.
587
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:09,493
I don't want a manservant.
588
00:21:09,494 --> 00:21:10,714
I want you.
589
00:21:10,706 --> 00:21:13,546
Really?
Yes, really.
590
00:21:13,545 --> 00:21:15,505
Oh, thank God.
591
00:21:15,507 --> 00:21:17,757
I tried to enjoy myself
alone at the hotel,
592
00:21:17,762 --> 00:21:20,022
but by the second day,
I found myself trailing a maid,
593
00:21:20,016 --> 00:21:21,476
helping her turn down beds.
594
00:21:21,477 --> 00:21:23,727
And after she tried
to Taser me,
595
00:21:23,732 --> 00:21:26,242
I realized,
"I shouldn't be here!
596
00:21:26,236 --> 00:21:28,406
"I'm happiest at home!
597
00:21:28,407 --> 00:21:30,237
Taking care of you."
598
00:21:30,244 --> 00:21:32,214
Remember when you said
that our anniversary
599
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:33,837
was a day that you felt safe
600
00:21:33,835 --> 00:21:35,165
and that you'll always
remember it?
601
00:21:35,171 --> 00:21:37,301
You remember that?
Yeah.
602
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,050
I...made space in my brain
603
00:21:39,054 --> 00:21:41,524
after deleting the lyrics
of a Spin Doctors song.
604
00:21:41,518 --> 00:21:43,098
Anyway, I was thinking,
605
00:21:43,104 --> 00:21:45,784
I feel safe today, now,
606
00:21:45,776 --> 00:21:48,066
and I'll certainly
never forget this.
607
00:21:48,072 --> 00:21:49,952
So we just make today
our anniversary.
608
00:21:49,951 --> 00:21:52,711
I think that sounds perfect.
609
00:21:52,706 --> 00:21:54,326
[whispers]
I blew up the microwave
610
00:21:54,334 --> 00:21:55,964
and both dogs are missing.
611
00:21:55,963 --> 00:21:57,883
Let's make love.
612
00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:01,643
♪ ♪
613
00:22:01,641 --> 00:22:03,601
I'm glad things worked out
with you and Arthur.
614
00:22:03,603 --> 00:22:05,273
Yeah, me, too.
Although I forgot
615
00:22:05,273 --> 00:22:07,153
what our new anniversary is
already.
616
00:22:07,152 --> 00:22:08,862
I'm sure he'll remind me.
What about you?
617
00:22:08,864 --> 00:22:10,584
Are you gonna see Todd again?
Tomorrow night.
618
00:22:10,576 --> 00:22:11,786
Really?
Yeah.
619
00:22:11,786 --> 00:22:13,666
He's not too nice, is he?
620
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:15,995
He's...the worst.
621
00:22:16,003 --> 00:22:18,343
Oh, Billy,
I'm so happy for you!
622
00:22:21,346 --> 00:22:22,926
Just, uh, don't look
over there.
623
00:22:22,933 --> 00:22:25,813
What?
Just don't look over there.
624
00:22:30,281 --> 00:22:32,081
It's hard to see them
together.
625
00:22:32,076 --> 00:22:33,996
Hey, where are you going?
626
00:22:33,997 --> 00:22:36,457
Oh, please, like you've never
met a guy with syphilis
627
00:22:36,460 --> 00:22:38,550
who wishes he was uncut!
628
00:22:38,548 --> 00:22:40,428
Oh, you're leaving now too?
What a loss!
629
00:22:40,426 --> 00:22:44,596
My friend's dick is great.
It's more than great!
630
00:22:44,602 --> 00:22:46,522
Good, now I can spread out.
631
00:22:46,522 --> 00:22:48,902
I can spread my syphilis dick
out all over the train!
632
00:22:48,902 --> 00:22:51,282
And I can air out
my clitoral hood!
633
00:22:55,206 --> 00:22:56,666
Todd and I made out outside.
634
00:22:56,668 --> 00:22:58,048
You did?
Yeah!
635
00:22:58,045 --> 00:22:59,375
♪ ♪
636
00:22:59,381 --> 00:23:01,261
MAN: ♪ Thought it'd be easy ♪
637
00:23:01,260 --> 00:23:03,930
♪ Thought they didn't know ♪
638
00:23:03,932 --> 00:23:07,862
♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪
639
00:23:07,856 --> 00:23:09,226
♪ ♪
640
00:23:09,234 --> 00:23:11,824
♪ Another way out ♪
641
00:23:11,823 --> 00:23:14,543
♪ Found on the way home ♪
642
00:23:14,537 --> 00:23:15,907
♪ Thought you were living fast ♪
643
00:23:15,914 --> 00:23:19,714
♪ But you were living slow ♪
644
00:23:19,714 --> 00:23:26,734
♪ ♪
645
00:23:33,490 --> 00:23:34,830
La la la la!
646
00:23:34,827 --> 00:23:36,077
Oh, my God!
47530
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