All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S02E05_English

KAYLA:
Julie, Billy.

We love a list here at Buzzlist,

so I hope you guys have plenty

for your two-week trial here
as guest bloggers.

- Oh, dont worry,
were bursting with lists.

- "7 Ways to Cook Bacon
in the 90s."

- "21 Ways to Tell
That Youre Introvert

Who Wont Shut Up About Being
an Introvert on Social Media."

- "5 Ways to Kill Yourself
After Posting

Your Im an Introvert
Quiz Results."

- You guys will
fit in great here.

- No ones ever said that to us.
Ever.

- Ever.
I get a full-time job here,

I can finally quit the cafe.

- And I can finally quit
that shitty day job

I keep pretending Im gonna get.

- Two weeks
of list-making and quizzes

and then we get a full-time job?

My immigrant grandparents
would be appalled.

Perfect.

- Now, so you guys
might be asked

to write sponsored posts,

which we pepper
into our regular lists

for, you know,
sneaky advertising.

- Oh, that sounds ethical.

- [exhales]
If people really care so much

about violating their privacy,
why are they on Facebook?

[all laugh]
JULIE: Idiots.

- So right now they are working
on a sponsored post

for Showtime, which is called

"6 Things to Look Forward to
on Showtime This Year."

- They found six things?

- Yeah, apparently Ray Donovan

is getting a new hat,

and theyve begun
a casting search

for a companion series
to "The Affair."

- Ooh, a casting search.
- Im gonna make a list

of eight shows
Im never gonna watch,

and all eight are "The Affair."

- I love how that show is
so well written,

and yet it manages
to be so boring.

- Cable providers should
change their name

to "Lets Waste
Mare Winningham."

- Hey, youre allowed
to bring a bunny to work?

KAYLA: Oh, yeah, all service
animals are welcome here.

- Thats amazing news,
cause I have two.

Three if you count
Tootsie Rolls.

- Heres your new office.

[driving punk rock music]

♪ ♪

- Pen cap, you know
that money conversation we had?

- Oh, fuck,
you got the AmEx bill.

I can explain.
- No, its not the AmEx bill.

- Oh, great, never mind.

Money talk over.
Beep Boop. Transmission ended.

Now will you make dinner?
- Actually,

I think Ive come up
with a solution

that could save us
a substantial amount in taxes.

- There you go.
I knew you could do it.

Oh, how about waffles
for dinner?

- I was thinking,
we could register...

- Oh, no.
- As...

- Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup--
- Domestic partners.

- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no...

- Why not?
- No.

Because, Arthur, its square
and it sounds complicated

and paperwork and official and--

dont rock the boat.

Youre trying to tame
a wild horse.

I gotta see the world, man.

- The world?
You dont even get off the couch

to have dinner.

- You know what intrigues me?

The last word
of your sentence just now.

Dinner.

- We have some serious
financial concerns.

- Well, Billy and I are
about to be permanently hired,

and Showtime is casting
for a new series

that I just heard about today,

So stop acting all cranky

like Martin Sheen being forced
to play a gay guy on that show.

- This isnt a joke, Julie.
- [sighs]

- Do you hear me?
JULIE: Yes.

- Its not a joke.
- I know.

- And you know what?
- What?

- Neither is
"Grace and Frankie."

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- You could learn something

from that show.
It has a lot of heart.

Cook your own dinner!

- How?

♪ Whos gonna be
two service dogs? ♪

♪ Youre gonna be
two service dogs ♪

♪ ♪

[dance music]

- Sorry, not tonight, man.

- Not tonight what?

- We have enough bears inside.

- Bears?
I am way too fit to be a bear.

- Well, youre too old
to be a cub.

- Well, then Im Kissyfur.

Im the teen bear, so...

- Teen?
Girl, please.

- And youre not a wolf.
- If you were a wolf,

wed let you in.
- Definitely.

Were also always
looking for otters and jackals.

- Oh, jackals are a thing now?

- Yeah, theyre blond wolves

with a tan and a good laugh.

- Well, then what am I?

- I mean, sort of nothing.

- Yeah, nothing.

- Maybe try the piano bar
down the street.

- The piano bar?
Fuck you.

[somber music]

Excuse me.

Cubs, wolves, otters, excuse me.

Old McDonald had
a fucking farm out here!

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Whats going on here?

- Sorry, nobodys
getting in tonight.

[music fades out]
- Are--are you kidding me?

- The whole building is
quarantined.

Ebola scare.

- Ebola?

Excuse me?
Ebola?

Well, wh--what is this, 2014?

- [chuckles]
Thats a good one.

Now get outta here.

- Ebola?

- Yeah.

[music resumes]

♪ ♪

- Theres Ebola in my apartment.

- So then I got
to spend a magical night

at my brothers house.
I swear they keep it at,

like, 153 degrees in there.

- And Im so sorry
I didnt hear the phone ring

last night when you called.

[sighs]
That new sleep apnea mask

really makes a racket,
but its worth it

to finally feel like
a cyborg elephant at night.

- Would you say Im a bear?
- You?

No, I always thought
of you more as a wolf,

but, like,
in a Wolfman Jack kind of way.

- I dont fit
into a single animal type

on the entire Noahs Ark
of gay hipsters.

- Okay, Buzzlisters.

Tourism Connecticut
has commissioned a list

of "The 9 Most Disgusting Things
in New York City."

Go.
- Uh, hot dog water.

- Uh, Mario Batalis
scooter seat.

[cell phone buzzes]
- Yeah, thats good.

- Holy shit, Billy,
I got the Showtime audition.

- Amazing.
- Yeah, apparently some slots

opened up last minute
this afternoon

because in L. A.,
people read the sides,

fell asleep at the wheel,
and died.

- "The 10 Best
Beer and Candle Combinations."

Write that down.

- They just said,
"Remember,

"this is premium cable.

Adjust your performance
accordingly."

What does that mean?

- Maybe... not American?

- Oh, right, of course,
cause all those actors are

English or Australian trying
to sound American,

like, with those hard Rs.

- So maybe you try
to sound Australian

trying to sound American.
- Yes, brilliant.

I guess Ill bring the dogs
with me.

Theyve already been banned
from the service animal area

for eating
that poor girls rabbit.

- [breathing heavily]
JULIE: If its any consolation,

just know that basset hounds
were bred to hunt rabbits,

which, Im not gonna lie,

I find a little charming.
- [laughs]

[rock music]

- And this is Julie Kessler
and friends.

- Oh, service dogs.
Ah, sometimes I wish I was a dog

so I could just eat
out of a bowl on the floor.

- So the show is called "Tryst."

Its a companion piece
to "The Affair."

Fun coinky-dink,
turns out my third husband

was having an affair
with my second husband.

Now the two are getting married

and Im living
with my parents again

in Staten Island.
[chuckles]

- I have news.
Im cancer free.

[laughs]
Im still gonna go to chemo

every so often just
to keep up portion control.

- Whenever youre ready.
- Okay.

- [slurping]
Mm, mm-mm-mm.

[camera beeps]

- [overemphasized accent]
Well, hello there, stranger.

Although Im hardly a stranger
since I live here.

- Oh, my God,
youre Alisons sister.

- I am more
than Alisons sister.

Im also her care taker,

and her avenger.

- I had no idea.

JULIE: No idea about what,
I wonder?

That she has a sister
named Heather

who loves her
with all her heart?

- Okay, thank you very much.

[camera beeps]
- You should feel very proud

of yourself.
- Mm-hmm.

- I do.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Okay, good-bye now.
[laughs]

- Was she retar--
- Oh, we dont

use that word anymore.
- [grunts]

- But, yes, I think so.

- Aw, she tried so hard
to sound out all the words.

- Gods simple angel.

- Ugh, I thought she had
a full face,

but I didnt know
if it was like Corky full.

- The part wasnt even written
for someone mentally disabled.

- I know, and she has
her little disability doggies.

I could cry.

If Eds leaving me for Shane
hadnt left me so numb.

- My feet are numb.
- Ugh, we should see

if they cant write her in
a little part.

I mean,
wouldnt it be nice to have

a disabled person
on an episode?

And wouldnt it be nice
if you didnt keep marrying

your gay father
over and over again,

waiting for him to leave you?
Ha!

[inhales]
Whos our next actress?

[car horn honks]

- [groans]

Ugh.

No, stop bringing me things
I dont want.

Fuck you.
Fuck you.

Bad dogs.
[groans]

[groans]

Arthur?

Arthur!
JULIE: Its okay.

Nobody panic.
Everythings fine.

- Julie, what the fuck
is happening?

- Wh--
- Wh--what are you--

whats on your face?
- Oh.

I forgot I was wearing
my sleep apnea mask.

- Whats he doing?

- Oh, yeah, he does this.

Arthur sleep-cooks sometimes
when hes angry.

- Sleep-cooking?
JULIE: Oh, my God, look.

The dogs are
bringing you their toys.

- Yeah, they keep bringing me

little things I dont want
over and over again.

Its like a fucking
Dim Sum restaurant in here.

How do I make it stop?
- Oh, it doesnt stop,

but the good news is,
it means that they like you

or theyre protecting me.
Im not sure.

Either way,
its gonna happen all night.

- [groans]
God, what is he doing?

He must be really angry.
- I told him today

I didnt want
to be domestic partners.

Oh, shit, hold on.
- [groans]

- No, no, no.
Nope, Arthur, come with me.

Preston Sturges is
in the bedroom.

- Oh.
- He wants to talk to you

about making another movie.

- Is Barbara Stanwyck available?

JULIE: I think shes
under contract at the studio.

- Barbara Stanwyck is dead!

[mellow rock music]

More coffee, Marilyn?
- No, honey,

but you look like
you could use some.

[inhales]
No offense,

but with your puffy eyes
and pale skin,

you look a little like Julie.

- Yeah, I got kicked out
of my building for a few nights,

ended up having to crash
at Julies.

- Oh, that filthy den
of drink and dogs?

I dont think so.

Why dont you come stay with me?

- Oh, no, I couldnt do that.
- Oh, nonsense.

Oh, you could stay
in Julies old room.

I just use it to store
all my old "maybe" shoes.

- Holy shit!
I got the part...

- [screams]
- In "Tryst."

Well, not the part, but a part.
[laughs]

- Finally, something.

- The casting director
said I was so special,

they wrote a role just for me,
but heres the thing,

Im actually kind of freaked out

because doing that accent
I did in the audition

was harder than I thought.

Im just worried that
now that I have the part

Im gonna do my Australian
accent when Im not on camera

and my Australian-pretend-
to-be-American accent on camera

and Im just gonna fuck up
and give myself away.

- Not even Cate Blanchett
could keep track of that.

- Ill stay in character
the whole time.

- Oh, yeah, perfect.
Ow.

[groaning]
- Oh, Billy.

Your neck.
Is that from my couch?

You didnt sleep
at all last night,

did you?
- That is true,

and that is why
hes staying with me.

- [mouthing]
- Julie, I love you,

but between the clinging
and clanging of pots and pans

and the incessant howling
all night,

it was like listening
to Rachel Ray have an orgasm.

I need to get some sleep.

- Thats right and you will.

See you at home, roomie.

[lilting music]

- Isnt this a treat?
- Mm-hmm.

I hope Julie doesnt mind
Im wearing her pajamas.

- Im sure itll be fine,
but, wow,

a sweat suit my daughter wore
when she was 12

fits an adult male in his 20s.

- You think I look like
Im in my 20s, really?

- 28 tops.
We could be siblings.

How was the shower?
- Oh, my God, it was amazing.

I forget what actual
water pressure feels like.

- Mm-hmm, because I had Julies
father take the water regulators

off the shower heads.
Kiss my ass, environment.

I need my me time.
- I totally agree.

- Right?
- I mean, I dont give a shit

that theres a drought
in California.

We live in New York.
If Katy Perry wants

a sip of water so badly,
she should move.

- [laughs]
I love having you here.

[drum flourish]

- Shit.

[rehearsing accents]
Hello, hello,

hello... hello!

- Hi, Julie, do you remember me?

- [overemphasized accent]
The casting director!

Im so happy to be here.

- Well, Im just here to make
sure that you get settled in.

Plus, ever since
my sponsor committed suicide

Ill take any reason
to get out of the house.

[laughs weakly]
Why does everybody die?

[forced laugh]
Anyway, what can I get for you?

- Well, Id never
say not to cake

or an appetizer
from my favorite eatery,

Outback Steakhouse.

- That is adorable.
[both laugh softly]

Everybody,
this is our special guest,

Julie.

- Welcome, Julie.

- Wow, for people
who work at Showtime,

you sure are
a bunch of happy campers.

- She has no filter.

- Well, she can only
speak from the heart,

but watch the mood swings.

[rock music]

[door opens]
[cell phone chimes]

- Marilyn--
- Mine is an open-door home.

What are you doing
in here alone?

And before you can lie,

know that I can see everything
in that mirror.

I had Julies father
install that mirror

when she was
journaling about me.

Taught myself how
to read backwards.

She said some really
nasty things.

Anyway, there are
no secrets in this house.

- Its not a secret.

- Mm-hmm.
You sound just like Julie

when I used to catch her
stress-eating candy

she used to hide
behind that headboard.

- All right, you caught me.

I was on Tinder.

- So, trolling online
for some strange?

- I guess you could say that.

Although the truth is I
probably fit in in this house

more than I fit in on here.

Its all about what group
you fit into.

Just bears and otters and--
- And jackals, oh, my.

- You know about jackals?
- Yeah.

They used to be called hyenas,
and then there was

some consensus about not wanting
to muddy the association

with Whoopi Goldbergs role
in "The Lion King."

- Oh, that makes sense.

- I treat a lot of gay men
in my practice.

Thats all they can talk about.

Well, that and how Ryan Murphy
even managed to ruin

Matt Bomers ass
and Lady Gaga.

- Well, with Lady Gaga,
she didnt need much of a push.

- [laughs]
You know what?

I think all those men
are jealous of you.

- Oh, yeah, thats it.
All these 20-somethings

with eight-packs
and perfect teeth,

they are dying to be me,
thats it, thats the problem.

- Well, you know
what the truth is?

You dont have to fit in
with anyone,

because you have me.

Come downstairs,
and lets put on some VHS tapes

of old "Jenny Jones Shows," and
then we can laugh at her hair

and dumb questions.

Come on.

Well make smores
and hot cocoa.

Fun!

- Ah, I feel like
a Gilmore Girl.

[grunts]

- [overemphasized accent]
Balloons!

Pretty balloons for sale!

- Hello there.
Whats your name?

- Patches.
- Well, Patches,

Ill take two balloons
for two good friends

Alison and Noah.

- Balloons are good
for friends.

- And cut.

Thats a wrap on Julie!

[all applauding]

- Ill take those.

- Great work, Julie.
Heres a present.

- "Patches"?

- And this.

- Oh.

[all applauding]

♪ ♪

- Knock knock.
- Whos there?

- Julie, my name is Abby
and I work for Showtime.

- Nobodys perfect.
- You are a pistol.

Listen, I never come
to set to meet actresses

ever since Claire Danes threw
chili at me in Islamabad.

But I had to meet you.

- Im flattered.

- Oh, God, look at that.
So shiny.

- Yeah, its not chocolate,
though--I checked.

- Julie, you were wonderful
on our show.

To celebrate, we would all like
to take you to a special dinner.

- I love dinner.

- The wonderful wisdom.

Hey, how about we take you to
your favorite restaurant?

- Sure.
- And...

a reporter might be at dinner.

We havent had anyone
like you on our show

and we want to let the world
know about our Julie!

- I only had four lines.

- And you said them
all correctly,

and in more or less
the right order,

so you deserve that medal.

- Yeah!

[upbeat rock music]

- Ill be right back
with your drink.

- An actual smile from
the demon seed.

Whats the occasion?

Did you find a prostitute
willing to take your virginity

for a couple of Metro cards?

- You know, Matthew, normally
Id say that when I look at you,

I think Santorum
was right when he compared

gay marriage to bestiality.

But today, I am in
too good of a mood.

- You do seem happier
than usual.

Granted, that bar
is set about as low

as the burning temperature
of jet fuel.

So how can it melt steel beams?

Exactly.
It cant.

- Well, I finally found
a place where I belong.

- Everywhere, you entitled white
cisgender male piece of shit?

- No, Julies moms house
on the Upper West Side.

- Upper West Side.
Ugh.

Thats like the most boring,

milquetoast neighborhood
in Manhattan.

Its the Drake of zip codes.

- I dont care,
because fuck the bears,

and fuck the otters,
and fuck the wolves

and fuck
Winnie the motherfucking Pooh!

- What do animals
have to do with this?

- Oh, its just how gay men
group each other into types.

Believe me, it was pretty
confusing to me too

when I first stopped
tapping my wifes pussy.

But you know, I caught on.

- So, whats a bear?

- A bears like a big, fat,
hairy gay guy

and then an otters
like a thin, hairy gay guy.

- Yeah, and a wolf is like
a tall, muscular bear

who just has to fuck
all the time, like me.

- Okay, so what would I be?

ALL: Black.
- What?

Are you serious?

Everyone else gets a fun animal.
That seems racist.

- Only cause it is.

- Well, gay or straight,
you know, everybody sucks.

- Thats what she said.
[laughs]

- No, she didnt say that.

- Where is my Billy?
- Hi!

Did I make Julies bed wrong?
- Yes.

But I came because I bought you
some new clothes.

Who knows when youre gonna
get back into your building?

- Marilyn!
That is so sweet of you.

Its been a long time since
I had a mom shop for me.

- Wont it be nice for you
to wear some shirts and pants

that are more flattering
to your problem areas?

- Problem areas?
- Exactly.

Lets run to
the little boys room,

and see what happens
when you start dressing

for your age and body type.

- Hey!
You brought my kitty suit!

- Yeah. I found a wrapper
in one of the pockets.

Quite a blast from the past to
see the old logo for Chocodiles.

- [gasps] Hello again,
old friend.

- Hi, top two new bloggers.

- [laughs] Ah, that list thing
never gets old.

- Why dont you settle
into your workstation?

- Are you ready?
- I-Ive never been--

Ill never be ready.

- Are you good?
All right.

You got--
- And were on.

- Okay, all right.
- Yeah.

- I have a list that might be
of some interest to you.

- Another list?
- Mm-hmm.

[all laugh]

- "25 Reasons We Are Permanently

Hiring Billy and Julie"!
- Oh, my God!

- Yes!
- Kayla, thank you so much!

- Thank you!
- Of course.

- Oh, my God!
- Thank you, seriously.

- Now I dont have to become
domestic partners.

- And I never have to see
Matthew again!

- I dont know what
any of that means,

and sadly I cant stay
to explore.

I have to go to a TV
press event dinner tonight

and I cant decide which Peter
Pan-collared baby doll dress

to shove
my 46-year-old body into.

Bye.
- Good luck.

Billy, a steady paycheck.
Finally, a real steady paycheck.

- I know I should feel proud,
but I just feel fat

and like I should apologize.

So Im sorry.
And Im sorry Im fat.

- Oh, no.
Shes turned you into me.

Billy, youve been Marilyned.

- No, its actually been great
having a mom again.

- Well, if youre choosing
a maternal figure,

I think youre making
a big mistake.

She only loves her own vision
of who you could be.

- But that person is so thin.

- What Marilyn gives
is conditional love.

Arthurs the opposite
of Marilyn.

His love is so unconditional...
- He cooks in his sleep.

- He cooks in his sleep.

Shit.

I gotta hold on to him.

- Yeah, you do.

And I gotta get out
of Marilyns house.

- Yeah, you do.

[upbeat rock music]

My first real acting job on TV
and everyones so nice!

- So you said.
- And now theyre throwing me

a dinner after Im wrapped?

- Good for you, spray cheese.

- Look, obviously youre angry
about the whole

domestic partners thing.

Im not stupid,
Im just insensitive.

- Are you apologizing?

- No, Im--

Im compromising.

If you want
to be domestic partners,

which clearly you do,

Ill do it.

- Thank you.

Oh, but look out!

- Hot dog water.

Number 2 most disgusting thing
about New York City.

- Ill be right back with your
complimentary bread and shrimp.

- Yum!

Sorry Im in my kitty suit.

My party dress
smells like hot dogs.

- Bless your wooden head.

- Is that the accent
youve been doing?

- Yeah, why?

- It just sounds a little,
mm, you know.

- Julie, whos
this handsome gentleman?

- Oh, we live together.

- Like an in-home aide?

- You can say that again.
[laughs]

No, Im her boyfriend.

Actually, domestic partner.

- The point is he fucks her.

- When she lets me.
- [laughs]

- Every man everywhere is awful.

- Hey, guys, Id like
to propose a toast,

to our little Julie.

- Cheers.
- Look, Julie, they love you.

- "Little," they said.

- Julie!

Here are the new friends
I told you about--

the reporters
who want to meet you.

This is our
mentally disabled Julie.

- Mentally disabled?
- Julie?

- Its that voice
you were doing.

- Wait a minute.
Have you guys

only been nice to me
because you think Im--

- Wait, your voice changed.

- Of course it changed.

I was pretending
to be Australian

pretending to be American.

- You are a vile human being!

Stealing a job from
a special needs actress?

- What are you talking about?

You guys wrote
that role just for me.

And besides,
it didnt say anything

in the script about her being--

- Your name was Patches
and you sold balloons.

- Okay, well,
now that I hear it out loud,

thats really offensive.

And its not my fault
that being Australian

makes you sound special needs.

- You bitch!

Get the fuck out
of my steakhouse.

[balloon pops]

- Ill miss this bed.

- I learned to masturbate
in that bed.

- Ill miss this bed less.

- Holy shit, Billy, look.
From Kayla.

"Buzzlists 21 Offensive
Abominations

Julie Kessler
Is Still Worse Than."

- Congrats!
- Thanks!

- Oh, my God,
you beat Jar-Jar.

- I finally arrived.

Just in time
to be shown the door.

Sorry I got us fired.
- Thats okay.

Heres the thing.
Were destined to be stars.

Real stars, not list-makers.

Maybe the lesson
in all of this is that

we cant wait for someone
to label us.

- Exactly, because
the moment they do,

theyll assume that youre
mentally disabled.

- Yeah, or worse,
nothing at all.

Im a wolf.
- You are a wolf.

- Billy, hi--

Oh, of course.

Another one leaves you.

Thanks a lot and out
with the garbage.

- Marilyn, thank you so much

for making me feel
like I belong here,

but yeah, I gotta go.

Im just gonna stay
at my brothers

until my building gives
me the all-clear.

- Well, youll be back.

Ask your sister.

I mean, Julie.

- Read me another Buzzlist
as Patches.

- [overemphasized accent]
Certainly, friend for life.

"Number 1, hot dog water."

MAN: ♪ Oh ♪

♪ Thought itd be easy ♪

♪ Thought they didnt know ♪

♪ You thought it was
the only way to go ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Another way out ♪

♪ Found on the way home ♪

♪ Thought you
were living fast ♪

♪ But you were living slow ♪

♪ ♪