All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S01E06_English

[driving punk rock music]

(Julie)
This is so exciting.

Our first meeting
with a comedy manager.

Oh, I love going out
to breakfast

because no one ever judges
you for not getting a salad.

I'll judge you.

You two are so bloody funny
together.

Richard, in Australia
are the kangaroos

as prevalent as squirrels?

I could beat up a kangaroo.

- You could not.
- Yes, I could.

- You could not.
- I'd have no reason to,

but I could.

Are you looking
for representation?

Oh, my God, are you kidding?
Always. Yes.

That was easy.

Yes, we have a manager now.

All right,
slow down.

Let's start this gradually.

We'll try a few things
and build a relationship.

I'd like to have a relationship
with a fresh kangaroo.

I'd pop him right in the nose.

Give him the ol' paintbrush.

You're obsessed
with kangaroos.

Are you interested
in writing jobs?

- Yes, yes.
- Oh, God, yes. Of course.

I'd like any job
where I'm considered

the person with
the most social skills.

And I've always hated
pants with zippers.

Even Later with Chris Hardwick
is looking.

After Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers,
Carson Daly--

it's a live show that recaps
the entire late night block.

Exactly what we needed.
I've been saying that.

Yeah, finally.

(Billy)
So in the packet,
what do we have to write?

Monologue jokes.
Twitter hashtag games.

Great. We will kill it.
We will crush it.

It's due tomorrow morning.

I am so ready to write
television

instead of just watching it
and recapping it.

This is huge, Billy.

Do you realize how many
people started out

as late night television
writers?

Mel Brooks, Woody Allen.

I know, I can't wait
to marry my own daughter

and start writing terrible
movie scripts ten years ago.

I'm so proud of
Woody Allen.

He paid so many dues
and he finally got

what he was always wanted.

(both)
An Amazon series.

[driving punk rock music]

Hello, Billy.
Noodles.

Why are surrounded
with the vestiges

of print journalism?

We have an opportunity
to be television writers.

Yes, we are looking
at newspapers

because we have to write jokes
about current events.

Which newspapers
are bursting with.

[sighs]

Oh, Ebola's back.

Uh-oh!

We could do something like

Angelina Jolie's a director
and now Ebola's back?

(both)
Uh-oh!

- Right.
- But we need a premise.

Like, you know, how they
talk on talk shows,

like, "In the news today..."

"You guys hear about this?

"Here's a funny story or..."

"Joe Biden had dinner

in New York City."

Yeah, "Joe Biden had dinner
in New York City."

"Joe Biden had dinner
in New York City."

"Joe Biden had dinner
in New York City."

"Joe Biden tonight had dinner
in New York City."

What a...
What a...

What a clod, right?

That's our take on him.

Yeah.

We could write a joke
about the Taliban.

Yes.

Like, "The Taliban is awful,

and Angelina Jolie
is directing now?"

(both)
Uh-oh!

Sounds like you two are off
to a great start.

Text me if you don't want
paella for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

[Arthur whistling]

Julie, you okay?

Yeah, why?

'Cause Arthur
was whistling

and you didn't say anything.

It was like you didn't mind.

You know, I haven oddly been
more serene

these past few days.

And nauseous.

And late for my period.

Oh, my God!

What if I'm pregnant?

You're not pregnant.

There's no way
I'm pregnant.

No.

But then there's that TV show

of women that went
to the bathroom one day,

and surprise,
you don't have to poop;

you're a human mother.

I don't watch that show.

Oh, my God,
what if I'm pregnant?

(Julie)
None of these pregnancy tests

are gonna be accurate.

Why not?

I'm on this illegal

Canadian HCG hormone

I ordered from a spam
email to lose weight.

Well, that sounds
perfectly safe.

Yeah, I know, but what's
the alternative?

Portion control?

Now any of these tests
I take is gonna give me

a false negative.

I'm gonna call my doctor.

Oh, lube has its
own aisle here.

Fancy.

My doctor can't see me
till Friday,

so I decided to stock up
on hope tampons

in the meantime.

I'm sure your body
will get the hint.

You know, as impressed
as I was with Richard,

I just don't know if he's
the right match for us.

There's something
about him.

I can't tell
if he's sleazy

or just Australian.

So if he's the wrong manager,

we can always leave.

I mean, nothing is permanent,

except, you know, parenthood.

Well, not the show Parenthood.

That's over.

Every lesbian I'm friends
with on Facebook

loved that show.

I know, it was so
important to them

to let all their friends
know when they cried.

Yeah, how did lesbians
let us know

they were crying
before Facebook?

Smoke signals.

Oh, my God.

The Huffington Post
print edition?

Are you kidding me?

This is a joke?
No.

This is real.

Everything you liked
about The Huffington Post

without any
of the convenience.

And who says print
is dead?

Somebody at a party I would
never want to talk to.

Look at this!

How do they afford
all of this ink?

Every person in
the known universe

is a columnist in there.

Well, to be fair,
could we really have gone

another day without reading
Phoebe Tuttnauer's

haunting personal essay about
her bad experience with Airbnb?

I must buy this!

I'm glad we got candy.
It helps me think.

Mm-hmm. Me too.

It's good for our brains.
It's like fish.

Do you ever read about
those rich women

and the dermatologists
tell them to eat so much salmon

that they joke, "Maybe I'm one
day gonna become a salmon."

Yeah, like someone who's like,

"Oh, if I eat another blueberry,

I think I'm gonna become
a blueberry."

It's like, "No, you're not."

I think it's from
Willy Wonka.

Mmm.

We should get something
on the page.

Yeah.

We're supposed to come up
with Twitter hashtag games.

Why don't we go on Twitter

and look at some actual
hashtag games?

- Like research.
- Mm-hmm.

[siren wailing in distance]

[car horn in distance]

This isn't working.

I know.

You know why?

This isn't a proper
work environment.

I wasn't just thinking that.
I didn't want to say it.

We need to make it more like
a comedy writers' room.

You know what comedy
writers' room have?

Ping-pong tables.

Yes. Yes.

It'll free up our minds
for jokes

because their hands
are moving around!

- In motion.
- We should get one.

- Let's go get it.
- At a...

Um...
A sporting goods store?

Yep, we'll write
on the train.

Yep, I'll bring
my laptop.

I'll bring mine too.

*

I'm glad we didn't write
on the train.

Yeah, you know, I think if you
start to obsess to much

about the actual writing,

you miss the opportunity
to be inspired

by changing
your environment.

Yeah, speaking of which,

let's get the ping-ping table

and get the hell
out of here.

I know, I'm getting
flashbacks

to all those jocks
in my high school.

Oh, my God.

You know what my worst
nightmare would be?

What if I am pregnant

and I end up having a son

and he's athletic
and well-adjusted

and popular?

And--oh, my God--

what if he's not gay?

Julie.
Stop being crazy.

I promise you,
if you have a son,

he will be as gay
as Jason Gould.

Thank you.

But still,
could you imagine?

What if he tried
to high-five me one time?

- Ugh.
- I know.

So which is the black side

and which is the red side?

Are they different,

or is it the same
kind of rubber?

I didn't know these were
wood; is this real wood?

Hey, folks.

I'm Rita.
Looking for a ping-pong table?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Possibly.

Well, the thing I like
about this one

is its integrative
ball storage apron, right here.

It's right at the knee length.

It's nice.
Holds a lot of balls.

Oh, my God.
This is really expensive.

Well, don't make any decisions
you can't back up.

You know, I always like
to tell my customers

to sleep on it when it comes
to making big purchases.

Doesn't make me the best
salesgirl on the floor,

but at least I have
a good conscious.

Well, we all make choices.

Choices.
[chuckles]

Hey, you want to hear
a funny story?

I used to be an Olympic gymnast.

That is...
funny.

Yeah, I even got an offer

to be on the cover
of a box of Wheaties,

but then a much trashier
cereal approached me

for twice the money,
and I couldn't say no.

After my photo was published
on box after box

of Slappies,
my career was over.

What the hell are Slappies?

They're off the market now.

They were kind of like Wheaties,

but they glowed in the dark.

Turns out that 27,000%

of a daily recommended
allowance of mercury

is too much of a good thing.

Are you serious?
That's horrible.

Yeah.

Sure wish I turned 'em down

when I had the chance.

Anywhoozle,

how about this pivoting
72-inch cotton blend net?

Look at that.

You catch blue crabs
in something like that, right?

(Billy)
It's nice.

You guys go crabbing?

We're never going
to play ping-pong.

No, and now that I see it
in person,

I don't think
it's as inspirational

as I thought it would be.

We're not, like,
sportsmen.

Now that we're here,
it just--

it's not a good idea.

Okay, well, what the fuck
am I doing here, then, right?

Oh, wow.

Clarence?

(Julie)
Okay, back to the packet.

I have an idea.

What if we went
to the Paley Center

and we watched old episodes
of late night talk shows

for inspiration?

Yes, I've always
wanted to do that.

You can go and you watch,
like, Steve Allen and Jack Paar

and all of it.

Even if we just
watch a couple

of episodes of
Johnny Carson,

it will inspire us.

Totally.

What was that thing

Johnny Carson used to do?

Oh, no--
punch women.

Yes.

I am so glad we left
the Paley Center

to get mani-pedis.

Me too.

How are supposed
to sit through

a single episode
of any of that shit?

I know, right?
It's so boring.

I mean, Ernie Kovacs,
suck my dick.

That was
a different time.

Were they?

I mean, it's 2015
and still,

every single talk show
host on network

late night TV
is a straight white man.

Hmm, I don't know.

Colbert's too smart
not to at least be bi.

See, girls that age,

you just sneeze on them
and they get pregnant.

But what erotic foreplay.

Seriously, though, I'm 35.

What if this is my last chance
to get pregnant?

Do you want to be pregnant?

No!

Thank God.

What if I do one day,

and when the time is right,

I'm not able to?

What if you do one day

and you then you become
of those people

that only talks about
their baby all the time

and then I have to find
a new friend?

God, look at the masthead
on this thing.

It's huge.

Oh, good.
Bill Maher has something to say.

How can still call them
"new rules"?

He's been on the air
since his hair

will still mauve.

I don't know, we need
fresh voices on television.

I know: ours!

I just want to dive in

and write, write, write!

Me too!

You know what would
be fun?

To go to a movie.

A movie.

(Julie)
So it's later than we thought.

I'm still glad we saw that.

Me too.

The only annoying thing

is how many of our friends
were in it.

Anything at this point
that's Apatow-adjacent,

we just have to accept
is going to star

everyone we went
into improv class with.

- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?

Is the baby kicking?

I don't have my laptop.

But our sex tape
is in the cloud!

[screams]

Seriously, though,
I don't have my laptop.

[driving punk rock music]

Sorry, guys, no laptop
in the lost and found.

Really?

Could you just ask Rita

if it was near
the ping-pong table?

I know it has to be there.

Well, Rita's shift ended.

Maybe she took
the laptop home.

My friend has a lot of
classified information

on that computer.

She's a very important
businesswoman.

Sir, she works
for NASA.

NASA?

Those are the same
sons of bitches

who put me in this chair.

I beg your pardon?

There was this beautiful girl,
you see,

and it wasn't typical,

a girl that stunning
would talk to me.

Anyway, she asked me
to accompany her

to space camp.

I should have said no.

And what happened
at space camp?

I destroyed both
my eardrums.

Lost my equilibrium.

What happened to the girl?

She got away.

Ground control
to Major Bummer.

Well, I'll go give
Rita a call.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, thanks.

Billy, I can't lose
my laptop.

I know, do you have a lot
of naked pictures

of yourself on there?

Of course; I'm more concerned

about all the emails
badmouthing people .

Right.

Amy Pascal
has nothing on me.

She's an angel
compared to you.

You're the same way.

I mean, come on.

If anyone published
your emails,

wouldn't you much rather
it was just, like,

un flattering photo
of you naked?

Are you kidding?

I don't care about people
say about my dick.

Hey, NASA!
Good news.

We just got your laptop.

- Oh, yes!
- Are you serious?

Oh, my God,
thank you so much.

Yeah, she said to meet her
near Astor Place at 6:00.

(Julie)
Okay.

She's got a voice lesson.

Oh, wow.

I wouldn't think Rita
could carry a tune.

(man)
Shut your mouth!

There's a lot of things
Rita can do.

[lively rock music]

(Julie)
This is good.

We're meeting Rita at 6:00,

so now we have three hours
to write.

Yes, exactly.
All right.

So should I type,
or do you want to type?

- We can switch off.
- Let's switch off.

Want to trade off, like,
every half hour?

15 minutes.

Okay, why don't we trade off

every 10 minutes?

But you should start,
you know...

My keyboard's, like, disgusting
at this point.

Excuse me.

I'm just going
to the restroom.

If a guy comes in
about 5'9"

wearing a purple scarf,

will you tell him that
I'll be right back, please?

Yeah, sure.

You're looking at my eyebrows
aren't you?

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- No.
- You're looking at my eyebrows.

- No.
- They're obvious.

Yes, you are.

(Billy)
They look great.

I got my hair done
for this date,

and the lady
at the salon

convinced me
to darken them

to make my eyes pop.

First they turned black,

so she put bleach on them.

Then...
they turned yellow,

so she put gloss
on them.

Then they turned
a mint-grey.

Next thing I knew,
my eyebrows were gone.

Oh, my God.

Before what you say
yes to.

[sighs]

Wow.

I'm telling you,

you don't know what
it means to be alone

until you're alone
in New York.

I know, right?

All right, we have
to do this.

Hey, can I just borrow
your laptop real quick?

I'm just gonna look up
abortion clinics on Yelp.

Okay.

Oh, this one got 4 1/2 stars.

Oh.

[driving punk rock music]

Rita's almost
a half hour late.

What if she doesn't even
have my laptop?

What if this whole thing
was just a con?

Hi.

Are you waiting for Rita?

Yes, are you--

I'm Kiki, her roommate.

Rita's at urgent care.

Oh.
Is she okay?

Yeah, she'll be all right.
Rita's Rita.

Ah.
Here's your laptop.

Oh, thank you so much.

You have no idea

what this means to me.

No, I don't.

Do you want to buy some coke?

Eh.

We just need
index cards.

Cowards.

We bought a lot of stuff
from Staples.

We really did.

And yet, we have not written
a single word.

I know.

We've wasted the day.

We've wasted our day.

We don't have anything
on the page.

What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna do?

I'm panicking!

All right, don't panic!

- Motivate me.
- Okay.

Think of all the opportunities

we didn't even get the chance
to fail at. Right?

This time, if we don't get
the job,

it's our fault

and we can't blame the world.

That's a nightmare.

Let's write this packet.

[bouncy piano music]

*

Suzanne Somers!

Yes.

*

That is indeed a packet.

Wasn't as fun as I thought
it was going to be, but--

No, but we did get
to eat candy, so...

Should I hit Send?

Yeah, hit Send.

Ah!

Finished?

Yes, whether or not we get
this job

is now in God's hands.

Yes, He mostly concerns Himself
with staffing matters.

I am so proud of you,
Noodles.

I can't believe how
you just pushed that out

all by yourself.

God, you're so strong.

I wish I could've helped.

Thanks, Crackers.

Text me if you don't want
duck for dinner.

Consider yourself texted.

[exhales deeply]

You think he knows?

I hope not.

Arthur would be a good dad,

a weird dad,
but a good dad.

Uh, I don't know
what to do.

Let's fall asleep
watching The Talk

like our forefathers did.

Okay.

(Billy)
Oh, my God.
Julie, wake up.

What?

Um, it turns out
Richard

does come from a
performance background.

What do you mean?

Porn? So what?

I'd do porn if I had
a thigh gap.

No, no, no.
Look at this, please.

"Puppetry of the Penis"?

Richard was in that?

"Puppetry of the Penis"!

[screaming]

Don't you remember?

It started in Australia.

I saw that Real Sex.

There was the guy that was like,

[with accent]
"I was at the bar
doing dick tricks?

"and there another bloke,
and he was doing dick tricks,

and we were like,
'Let's team up!'"

That was--that happens
in Australia!

You want to watch this?

I want to see
what he can do.

Okay, he'll turn his penis
into a tangerine.

(Richard)
You've met the curious elephant

and the hairy yo-yo,

but who here wants to see
a juicy submarine sandwich?

No.
No.

[both groaning]

We just stayed up all night

based on a suggestion
coming from someone

who's more likely
to know the founder

or Burning Man
than have any legitimate

connections in show business.

It must be so
stretched out.

Oh, my God.

[cell phone buzzing]

- Ah!
- Who is it?

Hey, Richard.

No.

I'm gonna put you speaker.
Hold on.

What shape is his penis
in right now?

- [shushes]
- Oh, sorry.

(Richard)
Hi, Billy. Hi, Julie.

So the head writer of
Even Later with Chris Hardwick

loved your packet, and he wants
to meet with you this afternoon.

- Whoa!
- Oh, my God!

(both)
That's amazing.

Thank you so much.
We'll call you right back.

Thank you.

The greatest dick trick

the devil ever played

was getting us that
interview.

Oh, my God.
Oh.

He's--you know what,
he's got a pretty asshole.

[bluesy guitar music]

*

(Billy)
Wow.

The Doors.

You can really play.

Yeah, I'm a lefty;
I play a righty guitar,

though, like Hendrix.

Just like Jimi Henj.

So, Billy and Julie.

Yes, thank you so much
for meeting with us.

We're really excited
to be here.

And Richard said that you
really liked our packet,

so thank you very much.

That means a lot
coming from you.

We worked really hard on it.

To be honest, I didn't read it,

but I'm sure it's awesome.

I mean, network has been up
my fucking ass

about a diversity hire

ever since Jezebel
did another post

about how there's no female
writers in late night.

So do I count as a woman
because I'm gay?

[laughs]

(Adam)
All right, so let me level
with you guys.

Unless you take
a fucking shit

right on my desk,

or if you aren't cool,
you got this.

What do you mean by "cool"?

You know, just how
it's, like, not safe

to joke about anything
anymore, right?

You guys probably deal
with that shit a lot.

We want to make the show
that we want to make.

We don't want to have
any regrets.

We don't want to wake up
the next morning

and think, "You know what?

"We shouldn't have taken
that network note.

We should have said no."

Everyone we bump into
has all these regrets.

I mean, glow-in-the-dark
ping-pong lady.

Scabby brows.

(Julie)
Space camp wheelchair.

What's
"space camp wheelchair"?

Is that in your packet?
Chris will love that.

Everyone we've spoken to
in the past 24 hours

should have said no
when they said yes.

And now it's time
for us to learn

from their mistakes.

That's right.

And you're gonna be
the first person we say no to.

I mean, could you imagine
working with this guy?

Is this some kind of bit?

And whether or not
I'm pregnant,

I am getting an abortion
today.

I am terminating
this opportunity

before it gets any bigger.

All right, cool.

Well, I got a meeting, so...

Oh, you have a meeting?

Where? In 1968?

Before feminism
was invented.

And you you're think or,
like, punk rock why?

Because you DVR
Anthony Bourdain?

You're probably one of those
guys that thinks

that John Lennon was edgier
than Yoko.

Yoko Ono was the best thing

that ever happened
to John Lennon.

The Beatles were holding
Yoko Ono back.

The only reason
I wish Jim Morrison

was still alive today

is just to see how fat
he could have gotten.

Oh, my God.

Jim Morrison would have had
a field day

at a Dairy Queen.

I mean, can you imagine
Jim Morrison around a Blizzard?

Holy shit.
The Blizzard King.

[laughs]

(Adam)
All right.

Blizzard King is fucking funny,
though.

Stephanie, will you bring me
that black guy's packet, please.

[driving punk rock music]

(Julie)
That was intensely satisfying.

We can saw no to things
we don't want to do.

Yeah, and if Richard
freaks out

about how we treated Adam,

I will remind him he used
to be a penis puppeteer.

Billy, I need you to leave
the bathroom.

- Why?
- Please. Right now.

- Okay.
- Really, really.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

- Okay.
- All right, bye.

All right.

I'm not pregnant!

I love my period!

These pipes are clean!

[cell phone buzzing]
- Okay, congratulations.

Oh, Julie.
It's Richard.

Hey.

So you're not mad
at us

for turning down
the job?

No, that guy is supposed
to be a real asshole.

I just think it's great
to have clients

who know what they don't want.

Ca-ca-ca-clients?

Whoa.

I just wish when I was
at your age

I'd said no to an opportunity
that my mate presented me with.

Um, Richard,

I think I know what
performance opportunity

you're talking about.

We've seen
the submarine sandwich.

Well, youthful indiscretion,
perhaps,

it lasted, like, a decade.

You're a grown man
who put your penis

into the shape of a koala.

(Richard)
Okay, okay.

Even later;
it's out.

Well, you've already
conquered the world

of magazines I see.

(Julie)
What are you talking about?

(Richard)
These columns are amazing.

What?

Your columns in here,
they're fantastic.

We're columnists.

Page 484, 485.

"We Should Be Allowed
to Have Cookies for Breakfast"

by Julie Kessler.

Billy, you're
in here too.

Yes, I submitted a column
to HuffPo.

- I totally forgot.
- Me too.

I didn't know that
they published it.

Oh, my God.

"Why I Hate Other
Gay Men"

by Billy Epstein.

It holds up.

We're in a magazine!

Yes!

You guys are on fire.

Richard, now that we're your
new favorite clients,

can you please do us
a favor

and show us just one
dick trick, please?

Please, please, please!

No, Julie!
Julie!

Yes, we're gonna take you
on a safari

on the Australian outback.

Here we go.
All right.

All right.

Guess what kind of critter
this is.

(both)
Oh, um...

Um...
Um...

It's a wombat.
It's a wombat.

Nicole Kidman.

It's a kangaroo.

It's a kangaroo.

I can beat up a kangaroo.

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was
the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*