All language subtitles for Difficult.People.S01E05_English

Does the soup
have any dairy?

And I'm cold.

Can you turn down
the air-conditioning?

I don't know,
but what fun questions.

(Julie)
Great news.

According to People magazine,
Susan Boyle

is not letting her Asperger's
get in the way of her dreams.

Oh, good.

Have you heard
of Cissy Donato?

No, but I'm
pretty sure someone

called me that in my youth.

Cissy Donato
is a YouTube star

who has over 7 million
subscribers.

- Oh.
- Hey, guys.

Cissy here.

So people have just
been begging me

for my Nicki Minaj impression,

but this week, I really
wanted to do the Cops song,

so I figured
I'd split the D

and give you
Nicki Minaj's Cops song.

* I got my ticket
down to Mardi Gras *

* Two bottles of vodka
for the trip *

Are you trying
to waterboard my eyes?

Billy, I used to babysit
this girl.

You babysat?
You hate kids.

I know, and she's
the origin story.

She grew up two blocks
away from me, in Great Neck.

"Cissy Shake It Off parody
Shake It Up

"with a can of Coke.

"6 million views.

"Cissy reviews Sephora oil
blotting papers.

3 million views."

[gasps]

Let's kill ourselves.
No, really.

No, I'm--
I'm on board.

- How are we gonna do it?
- Oh, sad, old Billy.

Hold my calls.

I'll be back in two shakes
of Megan Hilty's tail feather.

Matthew,
you're on the clock.

I have a meeting
with a new agent.

- Does Denise know?
- Shut up, Billy.

Of course I know.

I'm dropping him off.
Who's gonna get a new agent?

You're gonna get a new agent.

You're gonna get
a agent.

Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.

She cut the line.

We are being lapped
by people less talented

and way younger
than we are.

I know. We could log
10,000 hours of practice,

and these medium talents
would still get 3 million views.

Yeah, 10,000 hours my behind.

Malcolm Gladwell's
such a dirty little liar.

He's a lousy kisser too.

Oh, yeah, he either pecks
or is way too wet.

Yeah.

Can we get some help
over here?

Yeah.
I'm coming right now.

[sighs]
I need a palate cleanser.

Oh, let's watch that Inside
the Actors Studio where...

(both)
Bon Jovi says his favorite
curse word is "piece of fuck"!

[driving punk rock music]

Oh, come on.
You're still here?

There goes my vacation.

Oh, hello to you too,
Denise.

You gonna actually
order something

or just sit here
googling yourself?

I would order something,

but everything on your menu
is too complicated.

Why does pasta
have to have a sauce?

Why can't chicken
just be fingers?

Julie has the palate
of a seven-year-old girl.

And the ass
of a seasoned blogger.

Ugh.

Look, Billy,
Nate and I will be back

from the Hamptons
in three days.

Do me a favor

and limit the exposure
of your ginger friend

to our customers so that
no one gets creeped out.

Here are the keys.

The combination
to the safe is--

I know it.

I remember from last time
and the time before that.

Don't worry about it,
girl.

Mm-mm.

We don't do that.

[upbeat music]

Do you think it's bad
that I've only been in charge

for 45 minutes and I already
closed the café for a break?

No. I needed to eat.

Denise's café is so close
to being a good restaurant,

but everything on her menu
has some kind of

chutney or jus on it.

- Mm.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hello.

Can I have
the Dora the Explorer?

No, you can't order
from the children's menu.

Why not?

Children's menu--
under 12 only.

That's bullshit.
So basically

kids get all the show business
success and the good food.

I mean, do you
think that's fair?

In my country,
I was a surgeon.

- Okay.
- We'll tip him.

Do you want
to go somewhere else?

Of course I do, yeah.
But where?

You know what would be
a great idea, actually?

Be a restaurant called
The Children's Menu,

and it'd just serve,
like, pizza bagels

to adults at regular prices.

That is actually
a really good idea.

Thank you.

Then again,
I told Jerry Seinfeld

to stay the fuck away
from Crackle, so what do I know?

Do I look like
a Crackle executive to you?

No, but you look
like Bill Burr.

Nicest thing
you've ever said.

[both laugh]

But seriously,
do you want to try it?

- I mean, Denise is away. Right?
- Mm-hmm.

We could just change the menus
and the signs at your place

and have the kitchen
throw away all the vegetables.

Yeah. Let's do it.

- Okay.
- Let's do it.

It'll be just like
the restaurant challenge

on Celebrity Apprentice
but without Geraldo menacingly

walking around
in his underpants.

(Billy)
We're restaurateurs.

I feel like the Jewish Mr. Chow.

(Julie)
What can't we do?

Child molester?

Kids and their
band names today.

Oh, no. This is a flier
for an actual child molester.

"Thin, lanky, sandy blonde hair,
blue eyes, glasses"--

You know what?
He sounds cute.

Of all the deal breakers,
though.

Say hello to the newest member

of the Irv Rosenblatt
and Associates family.

The Secret works!

Wait.
Why aren't you at the café?

Because we have
to buy tampons.

Gross.

Do you ever tire of being
a bully's clichéd idea

of what a gay man is like?

You're such a bitch.

And I'm living for it.

Oh, and when I tell Denise
that you shut down,

she will fire
your ancient ass.

Since when is
35 ancient?

Since gay.

Can't you fire him?

I'm putting in a week
anyway

when I join the cast
of Saturday Night Live.

- Oh, yeah. I'm sure.
- Oh, good one.

Yeah, my new agent
got it for me.

You know how there's all those
petitions online about how SNL

needs an openly gay man?

Yeah, I saw that petition
on Facebook.

I was gonna sign it, but then
they wanted my email? No.

So they're gonna hire one,
and my agent

says that he can get me
into the casting showcase.

But, Matthew, how did your
agent ever know you were gay?

[laughing]

I like you.

Bye, Felicia.

(woman)
* Do-do-do

* Do-do-do,
do, do *

He's like the gay son
Jiminy Cricket is ashamed of.

I just hate it
when she's mean to you. Wait.

It's okay for me to call him
"she," right?

Yes.

You know I have
to gay audition for SNL.

Of course you do,
obviously.

We're going to make it
happen.

Oh, shit.
What time is it?

What's wrong?

I told my mom I would go
see her in Great Neck.

She's giving a talk to
her country club about stress.

- Oh, God.
- I know. Don't ask.

She guilted me
into attending.

Guilt is a powerful
currency in your family.

Tell me about it.

We pass it down like our soft
teeth and slow metabolisms.

(woman)
* Do-ooh, do

Stress, stress,

stress.

(Marilyn)
As a psychologist,

I deal with a lot
of people who have stress.

Ladies, let me ask you.

What gives you stress?

(Marilyn)
Yes, Phyllis H.

What if we can't afford
a nice vacation

and we have to settle
for a trip to London?

Phyllis K.

My housekeeper makes
a lot of eye contact.

Does she want something?

(Marilyn)
Phyllis other K.

If Hillary wins
the next election,

there go our tax breaks.

All of these
wonderful examples.

If you're looking to make
a Nazi propaganda cartoon.

Now, one of the ways
my family deals with stress

is through humor.

My daughter is a comedian,
technically.

Her career means
everything to her.

That's one of the reasons
I don't have grandchildren.

And you have to laugh.

[laughter]

Oh, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

- Carol.
- I'm sorry, Marilyn.

Am I too late
for your talk thingy?

- Not at all.
- Big talk--I'm so--

Oh, God, I was online.

I was reading the latest think
piece on Cissy and YouTube.

Time flies when you
have a famous daughter.

My apologies. So sorry.

Well, you remember
my daughter.

Julie, say hello.

Hi, Carol.

Julie, I haven't seen you
since you babysat.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry
you got so frustrated with her.

I remember she used
to lay on the floor,

crying, saying, like,

"I can't wait to die!"

I can't do it.
Cissy did it better.

Even back then,
she was good with impressions.

Did Cissy always sing?

Oh, those skits
give me a tickle.

Oh, I love to laugh.

Laughter feels good.

It's very important.

Well, Julie wants
to be just like Cissy.

Oh, well, I'm sure,
you know,

if you want to talk
a little bit

and get some advice
about the business,

Cissy could make
some time for you.

I promise you.

Julie, you should
make a YouTube.

I mean, yeah,

but, you know, I was
working on this live show,

and there's a screenplay idea
I had, so...

Julie, did you ever think
maybe you're not successful

because you're constantly
moving around

from one thing to another?

You're right, Mom.
You know what?

I'm gonna go home
and focus on one thing--

becoming a YouTube star.

And not to freeze your eggs.

Interesting priority.

Where were we?

[hip-hop music]

Stress!

*

Hey, Billy, not that
I value your opinion,

'cause I don't,

but can I ask you
a question?

No. Hold on. I'm reading
Homeland fan fiction,

and Carrie and Saul
are about to cry-fuck.

Which one of these head shots

is best to leave
at the SNL showcase?

They are smiling, so they're
both great for comedy,

but this one--

this one's America's farm boy.

He's swinging
a baseball bat.

He's coming home
to a windowsill-cooled pie

and a glass
of thick, whole milk, right?

But this one, my hair
is parted on the left.

I need to ask you
a favor.

No.

Please, I need your agent
to get me a spot

in that SNL showcase.

- Abso--no.
- Please.

It's just another slot
in the showcase.

I'll give you
anything you want.

I'll give you a week off.

And half your tips?

Fine. Deal.

All right.

Done.

I want to go
on vocal rest anyway,

just to see what it's like.

Perfect.

For your vision board.

[upbeat music]

So tomorrow, we'll give
D's café a mini makeover.

Now that Matthew's gone
for the week, we're good to go.

I never heard from his agent.

Maybe I am too old.

No.

The less you've done, the more
people want to work with you.

No experience at all?
Here's a TV show.

I fucking hate everybody.

I'm actually glad
that traditional media

has rejected us.

I think YouTube's gonna
be a good fit for me.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

I can't do makeup
demonstrations

'cause I'm allergic
to everything.

Well, they turned
Drunk History into a TV show.

Maybe just choose
another school subject.

- And add "drunk" to it?
- Yeah, why not?

Uh...

Drunk science?

Yes.

That's actually not bad.

It does combine two things
I'm bad at.

- That's perfect.
- Let's eat.

I'm hungry.
Are you hungry?

Yeah. Let's order food.

(Arthur)
I've been cooking over here.

There's no need
to order out.

Oh, Arthur, are you
making something fancy?

No, just a radicchio
with cloves--

No. See, this is why
we need our own restaurant.

- What restaurant?
- The Children's Menu.

(Billy)
We're gonna overcharge adults
for cinnamon toast

and string cheese.

- You like it?
- Pencils...

That is brilliant.

(Billy)
Arthur, it's what
New York needs.

(Julie)
Yes, every restaurant

tries to jus up
something normal,

and we're sick of it.

Yeah, spare me from someone's
take on a meatloaf.

[cell phone buzzing]
- Oh, an unknown number.

Maybe it's Denise
or a prostitute with a secret.

You know I follow
the food blogs.

I know.
I hate that about you.

Barbecue is over.
Cronuts are done.

A place that sells expensive
versions of the kind of food

you find in bowling alleys has
got to be the next big thing.

Billy, Arthur loves
our restaurant idea.

I got an audition for SNL.

- What?
- Yes!

That was Matthew's agent.
I'm in.

Oh, my God,
you're gonna be on SNL.

I'm gonna be
a viral celebrity,

and we're all gonna sell cheese
sandwiches for too much money.

We are on fire!

Yes, tell me Maggie Gyllenhaal
said something

about aging actresses today,
and it's the best day ever.

[liquid pouring]

(Billy)
What do you think I should do
for my SNL audition?

'Cause I want to do
my stand-up,

but I just feel like
they want impressions.

I don't do impressions.

That doesn't mean
you can't do impressions.

Let's think of some impressions
you can do.

I could do
my Chubby Checker.

[as Chubby Checker]
Come on, everybody.

It's time to have fun.

- So funny.
- * Hey, it's the summertime

- [in normal voice] It's good.
- It's beyond good.

It's wonderful.

But I worry
it's not current enough.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

It's not Demi Lovato
cutting herself

or whatever the kids
like these days.

I like political satire,
like the Capitol Steps.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, my God.

But I don't like music,

but I do like
their song parodies.

- Hmm.
- It's like his favorite band.

He made me see them once.

You saw the
Capitol Steps live?

I had a UTI the whole time,

and I don't know
which was more irritating.

By the way, can we just
take a moment right now

and acknowledge that this
is a big deal?

- Okay? Seriously.
- I know.

We both dreamed
about being on SNL,

since we were kids,
as cast members.

I know.
It's crazy.

I dreamed about being
guest host also

and a writer
and musical guest.

I think my mom had a point

when she talked about
my lack of focus.

- What if I blow it?
- That's not what you do.

(Arthur)
I hate to interrupt you,
Hydrox,

but I wrote to my editor
friend at Gobbler,

and he loves The Children's Menu
restaurant idea.

That's amazing.

Chubby, what do you have
to say about that?

[as Chubby Checker]
Mazel tov, Julie.

[upbeat rock music]

*

(man)
* Yeah

* Yeah, yeah

*

* Yeah

Yes.

I think The Children's Menu
is gonna work.

I'm so excited,
and Arthur emailed

all of his boring food blogs.

Can you imagine if we became
successful restaurateurs

at the expense
of our comedy careers?

It happened
to Lisa Vanderpump.

Oh, my God,
I used to love her stand-up.

So wait. Are you doing
that Steel Magnolias bit

for your SNL audition?

No, I went shopping
for a M'Lynn wig,

and I thought to myself, "You're
shopping for a M'Lynn wig.

This is not who you are."

So you're just gonna do
your stand-up?

- I think that's great.
- I'm so nervous.

Don't be nervous. Here.

I'll distract you with my foray
into YouTube superstardom.

Can you imagine if Andy Warhol
had been around for YouTube?

He would've posted
so many irritating things.

Oh, yeah, his Instagram alone
would've been insufferable.

Okay, so I did Drunk Science,
like Drunk History,

but I realized halfway through
that I don't know

any other comedians
that I don't hate besides you,

so I used my dogs.

- Oh, the Internet loves dogs.
- Yeah, you'd think so.

Then why do I only
have eight views? Watch.

(Julie)
Drunk Fucking Science
with Senator Jelly Beans

and Greg, the dogs.

Oh, my God.
I'm so drunk.

We are friends.

The three of us are friends.

You just won the Nobel Prize.

I was robbed.

Oh, Babybel cheese.

I was gonna ask you
to take me to the bathroom,

but I just want to lie
on this tile.

[both laughing]

I love it.
Yeah, I mean--

If this doesn't get
a billion views,

I don't want to live
on this planet.

Oh, thank you, and if SNL
doesn't hire you,

then I won't watch
the show anymore.

Well, threatening
to not watch SNL

is the equivalent
of a seven-year-old

telling his parents
he's gonna run away.

Where you gonna go?

Still.

Billy, look.
It's a line.

Why can't people
show up like this

when we do one
of our live shows?

I know.

Know what the best part
about being dead has got to be?

Never having to promote
another live show again.

Oh, that reminds me.
We have to...

(both)
Kill ourselves.

Yes.

[man singing indistinctly]

[driving punk rock music]

The Children's Menu got
some nice reviews online.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

If only I could get
that kind of press

for the showbiz stuff I do.

[cell phone buzzing]

(Julie)
Hello?

Hi. I'm in a little bit
of the situation here.

What's going on?
What's that noise?

I gave Matthew
the week off,

and because we got
some press,

actual children have
been showing up a lot.

- What?
- I know.

I guess if you put "children"
in the name of your restaurant

and you serve hot dogs, parents
will bring their kids to it

like it's that goddamn field
in that Kevin Costner movie.

Tin Cup?
Oh, there's no time for jokes.

You have your SNL showcase.
I'll be right over.

[scattered applause]

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

- Tough crowd.
- Did they laugh?

No, went way
over their heads.

I know, but that's what they do.
They don't laugh.

I've heard that.
They never laugh.

Okay, well, now I know
how Susan Lucci must've felt

when she took over
for Bernadette Peters

in Annie Get Your Gun.

God, I should've
said that onstage.

- No, you shouldn't have.
- Okay.

I didn't expect
Lorne Michaels to be here.

What? No, Matthew,
are you serious?

Matthew, Matthew.

Does Lorne come to this?

[cell phone chiming]

(man)
Please welcome
to the stage Billy Epstein.

[light applause]

Hey, guys.
I'm Billy Epstein.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, we're still waiting
on apple juice.

Madame, this is
my own personal hell.

How can this place
not have any sippy cups?

Because you don't have
a children's menu restaurant

for children!

You have it for me!

I can't wait to die!

[driving rock music]

Ooh, are you Ariel?

Don't be an idiot
and don't touch strangers.

Go over there.

Jesus Christ.

- You okay there?
- Oh, thank God you're here.

Just to catch you up,
I'm still a terrible babysitter.

Apparently, children
like grabbing my hair,

and Arthur will
be here any minute.

- How was the showcase?
- It was good.

Lorne was there.

- Are you serious? Oh, my God.
- I know.

And I was actually pretty
happy with what I did,

and then the second
I got off stage,

they told me
I didn't get it.

Oh, no.

Who can I cyberbully?

- What can I punch?
- It's okay.

I feel pretty good about it,

and they said
I should keep trying,

and then they said
I'm pretty green still, so...

Well, that's good feedback,
and I have to say

it's nice that one of us is too
young for something for once.

True. All right.

Now, let's get
to the shit show at hand.

How the fuck do we get these
kids out of the restaurant?

What the kids hate?
Jazz...

The dentist, homework...

Kevin Spacey.

Oh, the news.
Maybe we put on the news.

- Perfect.
- Okay.

New York local news
is the scariest.

Police say
the unidentified victim's corpse

was partially cannibalized
and her eyes were sewn shut.

- Coming up...
- Surprise!

Oh, my lucid nightmare
has a punch line.

- No.
- Look at this restaurant.

It's so nice to see you
succeed in some way.

(Carol)
Julie, you're going
to love me.

Look what I brought.

Hi. I'm Cissy.

My mom said you used to babysit
me, but I can't remember.

What a natural
storyteller you are.

She is. That's right.

Yes. You know what?

Julie is trying
to be a stand-up comedian.

Can you help her?

- Aww.
- Yeah.

Be nice if you could
give her some advice.

You know, coming from someone
who's doing as well as you.

Well, what is it
you want to do?

Like, what is your brand?

She's not sure.
It always changes.

[children chattering]

[whispers]
Help her.

You want to see her
on the YouTube?

(Marilyn)
Yes.

I made a YouTube video
of my dogs

but didn't get
as many views as yours.

Oh, well, I believe in myself,
so...

Oh, no, no.
I believe in myself.

I've just lost faith
in the world around me.

I do not get people
like you.

You are so negative.

Don't you know that you just
have to decide to be successful.

You know what, Cissy,
you millennial nuisance?

You're 19, and you're
having a moment.

(Julie)
But we will bury you.

You don't have the strength
to last in comedy.

She's one of those people,

"Oh, I'll make it
happen for myself.

I'll do my own shows."

Yeah, don't wait around for
a network to give you a show.

(Billy)
"Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll make my own show
on my phone."

Remember Full House?
So do I.

- Isn't that funny?
- "I'm so hilarious."

"I was born in 1996."

Ugh, okay.
Now I'll be you two.

"Wah, I'm old.
Wah, I'm lonely."

Oh, see, that's where
you're wrong, Cissy.

Because I have a boyfriend.

[chuckles]
Yes, you do.

And I'm here to help.

Helping hands
for all the hungry children.

(reporter)
A new sketch
of the child molester

who's been terrorizing schools.

It has been distributed
to local communities,

and the hope is that authorities
will receive a tip

and bring this horrible monster
to justice.

Hey, he looks like me.

[all gasp]

[silverware clatters]

(Denise)
What the hell's going on?
What's happening?

(Billy)
Denise, hi.

You're back early.
How were the Hamptons?

Shut up, Billy.

What did you do to my menu?

And who the hell
is that pedophile?

(Marilyn)
That's my daughter's
boyfriend.

[as Chubby Checker]
Come on, everybody.

It's time to have fun.

Hi. What's up?
It's your girl, Cissy.

I just got yelled at
by the two meanest meanies

in the whole world.

Wah.
Do you guys want to meet them?

[Auto-Tuned]
You know what, Cissy?

[Auto-Tuned]
We will bury you.

We will bury you
underground.

- Cissy.
- We will bury you.

We will bury you
underground.

You're 19, and you're
having a moment.

Remember Full House?

You millenni--
millennial nuisance--

- Hey.
- Oh, I know everything...

- Hey.
- Because I was born in 1996.

How do you even do that?

Yeah, she'll get
5 million views,

and we get nothing.

It's just like
The Children's Menu.

Denise made all the money
off of our great idea,

and all we get in return is,
you're not fired.

Yeah, this is what
it must've felt like

for one of those
Motown artists

who got screwed over
by white record executives.

Exactly.
You know what?

It's time to stop fucking around
with schemes that have nothing

to do with our chosen path
and focus on show business.

You're right. From now on,
it's just show business.

Late night tacos.

No tomatoes in yours, Splenda,
or lettuce or cheese.

It's just a tortilla
with unseasoned ground beef.

- Oh.
- Here you go, Billy.

- Thank you.
- Arthur.

What did I ever do
to deserve you?

Sometimes, I wonder.

Oh, it's 11:35.
Put on SNL.

I still say
it should have been you.

(Billy)
Oh, my God.
There's a new opening.

(man on TV)
It's Saturday night Live

with Brooklyn Coppola...

[jazzy music]

Dax Hilton...

*

Blair Violet Pendelton...

(Julie)
Oh, my God.

They're so young.

So I wasn't too young.

I was too old.

(man on TV)
Ryder Silverman...

(Julie)
How bold.

I'm gonna keep watching,
though.

Yeah, I guess.

(man on TV)
And your host,

the Annoying Orange.

You know, some of his videos
are actually pretty funny.

*

Yeah.

They work.

(man)
* Ow

* Thought it'd be easy

* Thought they didn't know

* You thought it was
the only way to go *

* Another way out

* Found on the way home

* Thought you were living fast

* But you were living slow

*