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1
00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:07,680
What's the problem? Let's just
say she needs a little tender, loving care.
2
00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:14,160
Maybe I should book her in for
an all-over chassis massage and a Brazilian muffler wax.
3
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:19,280
Not all women think of their
cars as teddy bears, so why don't you tell me what the problem is?
4
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,320
The distribution bolt
has developed an influx
5
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:29,520
with the mainstay capacitor... Well,
just don't hurt her, that's all.
6
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:34,440
You remind me of my sister.
Why, does she feel like slitting her wrists
7
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,640
every time her car breaks down
as well? No, she's dead.
8
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:45,000
She was a political activist who
opposed our brutal government.
9
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:51,080
One day, she mysteriously
went through the windscreen of her car. I'm really sorry.
10
00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:53,920
Your face reminds me of hers.
11
00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,400
Sorry, do you mean...?
Before the accident.
12
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,080
♪ Yeah, not going out
13
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,160
♪ Not staying in
14
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,400
♪ Just hangin' around
with my head in a spin
15
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,400
♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout
16
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:15,680
♪ We're not going out
17
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:20,720
♪ We are not going out. ♪
18
00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:23,000
Sorry!
19
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,560
Hello. Nothing... I mean, hello.
20
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:32,920
What are you looking at?
21
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,160
Owls.
22
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:37,400
It's half past 12 in the afternoon.
23
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,440
Yeah, shouldn't you still be in bed?
24
00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:42,520
I'm wasted, doing this job.
25
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,120
That explains a lot.
26
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:49,880
Oh, look, the owl is rubbing
sun cream on her breasts.
27
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:56,520
They burn easily, owls.
That's why most of them come out at night.
28
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,520
So where have you been?
The garage. Again?
29
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,200
It's the fourth time this week.
30
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,440
Someone's got to make sure my
car's in proper working order.
31
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:09,280
Why can't you do it? You're from
the North. Some people find that kind of stereotyping
32
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:12,560
quite offensive, you know.
OK, nick one for her instead.
33
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,760
You need a man in your life,
don't you? No. Don't worry.
34
00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:24,760
I'm not worried. You know,
you're exactly the same as me. All right, maybe a little worried.
35
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:29,600
We wake up in the morning looking
for a man, and then we realise all
36
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:34,720
the good ones are taken...and
all the single ones are no good.
37
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,520
Well, maybe I'm not going
to be single for much longer.
38
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,840
Anyway, I'm just going
to go to the bathroom.
39
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,240
Sorry, just to be clear, THAT meant
that I understood about you wanting
40
00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,320
to talk about the new boyfriend
thing. I am not taking drugs.
41
00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:01,520
It's not a boyfriend,
it's...complicated. Not a girlfriend, is it?
42
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,400
No. You could have given me
a few seconds longer.
43
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:06,400
Carry on.
44
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:10,480
There's a mechanic at the garage.
He's called Pavlov.
45
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:15,720
I know him. Do you? Yeah,
when I ring the bell on the ice-cream van, he starts salivating.
46
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,560
Well, anyway, the first time
I went in, we got talking
47
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,040
and he started telling me things,
pretty much his whole life story.
48
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:26,120
Ah, how lovely, and all for
just £145 an hour plus VAT.
49
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:29,720
He's not like that, he's a genuine
hard-working, honest guy.
50
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,320
And he's definitely a mechanic?
51
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:36,040
He is now. In his home country,
he was a playwright and an actor, but he's not
52
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:40,520
been able to do that for a very long
time. Well, it's getting the parts, innit?
53
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:46,600
So, er, why's he stopped the acting?
Getting on a bit, is he, losing his looks?
54
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,720
No. He's only in this thirties,
and he's fairly attractive.
55
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:55,680
The problem is, he's a political
refugee. He's been arrested, imprisoned, tortured.
56
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,760
Some of his close family
have even gone missing.
57
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,440
How attractive?
58
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:05,520
Almost as attractive as you,
but obviously not as sensitive.
59
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:11,000
He wants to stay here for good,
but it looks like he's going to be deported. Oh.
60
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:16,680
Is that it? "Oh?" A man
is gonna be shipped back to face a lifetime of persecution,
61
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:21,920
a man who lives and works in our
street. Doesn't that bother you? No, there's always Kwik-Fit.
62
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,160
Lucy, we can't do anything.
63
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,880
Well, maybe I can.
64
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,440
He needs to get married,
and I've said I might do it.
65
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:39,080
Have you told Dad?
It's nothing to do with Dad, or you.
66
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:43,400
Why did you tell them to come round?
I thought they could talk some sense into you.
67
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:48,960
Why don't they make Polo holes
big enough so you can put your tongue right through?
68
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:53,280
Just try and concentrate on
what the taller one's saying.
69
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:58,360
Lucy, what happens when you do
meet the right person, one day, and you wanna get married for real?
70
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:03,000
Yeah, the newspaper boy smiles
at you, why don't you marry him? If he was your husband,
71
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,600
I wouldn't have to give him
a tip every Christmas. Tip?
72
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:11,120
I remember when tangerines were
considered a treat. I know all of this sounds crazy,
73
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:17,000
but wait until you meet him and hear
his stories. He's had it really tough. We've all had it tough.
74
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,000
He's been tortured.
We've all been tortured.
75
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,800
My mum was pretty strict.
76
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,560
She didn't attach electric
wires to your testicles.
77
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,960
All right, she never
actually switched it on.
78
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,080
What is your problem? I can
understand Mary Whitehouse here
79
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,360
getting on his high horse,
because he's family.
80
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:41,360
I can think of worse women
to be compared to.
81
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:47,640
A lady of morality and decency,
and in her heyday, a very handsome woman.
82
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,400
But why are YOU so concerned? I'm
just worried about you, that's all.
83
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:56,640
Look, I'm not interested in
having a real relationship with him, I just want to help him.
84
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,880
I'm only thinking about it,
none of this is a definite.
85
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,880
Just thinking about it, are we?
So why did Lee find these wedding magazines?
86
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:09,000
Have you been snooping in my
wardrobe? I was looking for a lion and a witch.
87
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:17,040
I don't wanna hear your crappy jokes,
This is none of your business.
88
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,920
Actually, it's "Narnia" business.
89
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,880
Lucy, this isn't a game, you know.
90
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:30,680
You can't just dress up
and pretend you're a princess. Oh, is that right?
91
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:32,680
That was different, I was a child.
92
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:38,720
14 is still a child! I can't believe
you're even considering this.
93
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,000
He might be a criminal.
94
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:46,400
Maybe he's involved in the sex-slave
industry. This time next year, you might be dancing naked in a cage
95
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:53,240
while hairy men thrust coins
in your cleavage. Oh, lovely. Not even notes.
96
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,840
Hey, I saw a documentary
last night on Channel 4...
97
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:00,560
..about zebras.
98
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:08,280
I was just trying to change
the subject. I thought everyone was getting a bit tense.
99
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,360
Yeah, it's backfired, hasn't it?
100
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:14,960
Daisy, do you know something
about Polos? They reckon if you concentrate really hard
101
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,480
and don't talk, you can find
a secret second hole.
102
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:28,360
I'm telling you, Lucy, this
whole marriage thing has to stop right now. Is that right, mister?
103
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:32,480
Well, I was only thinking about it,
but it's my life, not yours. I'm going to do it.
104
00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,320
No-one tells me what to do,
you, him or Dad.
105
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,560
You tell him, sister.
We won't be pushed around.
106
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,960
Daisy, we're leaving.
Get your coat. OK.
107
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:46,520
Oh, I think I've found
that secret second hole.
108
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,520
It's on the other side, isn't it?
109
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:59,560
Well done.
What do you mean, well done?
110
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,800
Oh, it's an expression used
when you've done something right. You wouldn't have heard it before.
111
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,840
It's the opposite of,
"Tim, you've made things worse again, you daft twat!"
112
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:12,520
You've gotta do what I do with
your sister and tread lightly. Tread lightly?
113
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,440
Why am I picturing a hippo
in a ballet dress?
114
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:18,360
BOTH: How is your mum?
I said it first.
115
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,600
If this is anyone's fault,
it's yours.
116
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,600
How is this possibly my fault?
117
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,880
Because Lucy's 30, isn't she?
118
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,960
Oh, yes, I forgot -
I'm responsible for her age.
119
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,800
I knew I shouldn't have shagged
your mum when I was...nine.
120
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:35,960
Oh, nice. Not only have you slept
with my mum, she's a paedophile.
121
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:40,600
Look, when women reach a certain
age, sometimes they start thinking about things,
122
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:45,880
and sometimes they act irrationally.
That's true, and she did give me a nice biscuit afterwards.
123
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,840
Not my mum, Lucy.
124
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:55,920
She's obviously got a lot of
confused feelings at the moment, like, will she ever get married?
125
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,440
Is she past her sell-by date?
126
00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,880
How's that my fault?
It wouldn't have killed you
127
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:05,520
to ask her out for a drink
occasionally. You've spent the last year and a half
128
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,080
making sure I don't go anywhere
near your sister. It was the first thing you said to me.
129
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,360
"Lord help the mister who comes
between me and my sister."
130
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:17,920
No, I didn't. Trust me, I never
forget when I've been threatened with a Beverley Sisters lyric.
131
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:22,280
Anyway, I don't want you going near
her, but you could have asked her out
132
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,840
just to boost her confidence,
and then let her say no.
133
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:29,280
Sorry, I keep making the mistake
of thinking I've got some dignity. And what if she'd said yes?
134
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:32,520
You'd have had to repeat the
question so she heard you properly.
135
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:36,800
If going out with me is such
a disaster, why would asking her boost her confidence?
136
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,440
She would realise,
no matter how low she feels,
137
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:43,840
there's still a lot further
she could fall. I'm sorry, can you speak up?
138
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,880
I can't quite hear you down here
with me face in the gutter!
139
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,000
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
140
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,800
This is giving me a lot of
confused feelings as well.
141
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,320
Oh, do you want to
go out for a drink some time?
142
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,960
I'm not expecting a yes, I'm just
trying to boost your confidence.
143
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,040
Maybe I should talk to her again.
144
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:08,480
And say what? "Come on, Lucy, you're
not past your sell-by date yet."
145
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:12,720
Don't say "yet." Why not? Because
that implies it's approaching.
146
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:15,800
All right, "You're not past
your sell-by date for ages.
147
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:20,080
"You've got years. You're like...
a bag of dried walnuts."
148
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:24,960
That's good. But you just missed out
"shrivelled and flaky."
149
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:29,760
What is the problem? I always buy
stuff past its sell-by date. It's cheaper, and it tastes
150
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:34,240
almost as good as the fresh stuff.
If you remember that exact phrase and say it to Lucy,
151
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:37,760
I'm sure everything will be fine.
Have you got any better ideas?
152
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:42,200
I have, actually. I'm going
to go round and see this bloke, lean on him a bit.
153
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:46,640
Lean on him? Have you been watching
Goodfellas again, Joe Pasquale?
154
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,240
I think you mean Joe Pesci.
I know exactly who I mean.
155
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,360
Ahem... Excuse me?
156
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,040
Hello, can I have a word, please?
157
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,360
Is he ignoring me,
or has he been run over?
158
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,360
Don't make me grab you by the
ankles. I'm here to tell you
159
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,440
to back off a little lady
I like to call my sister!
160
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,600
Sorry, have you been waiting long?
I did not hear you.
161
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,960
Where would we be
without iPods, hey?
162
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,880
Well, you'd be in hospital.
163
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:39,440
I was just saying, Pavlov,
or do you prefer Pav?
164
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,280
Either will do.
165
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,720
Well, I was just saying, Ivor...
166
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,200
..I'm Lucy's brother.
It's lovely to meet you.
167
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:51,640
Oh, yes! Tim, please.
168
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,520
I'm sorry we don't have any seats.
169
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,920
That's OK. Don't let the tweed
fool you. I've been to Glastonbury.
170
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:05,880
Actually, it wasn't during
the festival, they've just got a very nice cathedral.
171
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,320
I know why you're here, Tim.
172
00:12:08,320 --> 00:12:10,960
To protect your sister.
173
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,800
You're doing a good thing.
174
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,120
I too was very close to my brother.
175
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:18,240
Hopefully, one day,
they will find him.
176
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,200
I'm sorry to hear that.
177
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,720
You are a good man, Tim.
178
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:25,360
I see you have very kind eyes.
179
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,440
Thank you.
180
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,640
You've got very nice...arms.
181
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,320
So have you. What?
182
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:38,880
Nothing.
183
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:53,040
♪ You say potato
He says, "sfasmersniak!"
184
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:57,040
♪ You say tomato
He says, "fenuffllite!"
185
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:58,520
♪ Potato, sfasmersniak
186
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:03,800
♪ Tomato, fenuffllite
Let's call the whole thing a sham! ♪
187
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,840
I wouldn't drink that,
by the way, it's out of date.
188
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,280
Who cares about sell-by dates?
Looks all right to me.
189
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,680
In fact, it looks
more than all right.
190
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,240
OK, so it's a bit chewy.
191
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,760
Lucy, I've got something
to tell you, but don't kill me.
192
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:32,240
I'm sure it's not that bad.
Unless you're finally admitting you fancy my mother.
193
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,240
Oh, I'd never admit that.
194
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:38,400
Or if it was something really
stupid, like Tim went round to threaten Pavlov
195
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:42,160
and you didn't try and stop him.
Obviously, then I'd really kill you.
196
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,880
Your mother was looking
very attractive last week.
197
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:49,160
So you've spoken to Pavlov, then?
Actually, I told her.
198
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,520
I also said they had my
blessing with the nuptials.
199
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,520
What are you talking about?
200
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,760
It means the wedding.
Don't worry, I didn't know either.
201
00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:03,120
He's such a nice bloke, Lee. I can't
let a man like that be deported. His stories are heartbreaking.
202
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:05,080
Oh, for God's sake!
203
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:12,040
It's all right for you, Mr Cynical,
you haven't heard about the family donkey catching syphilis.
204
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:17,120
They couldn't afford a general
anaesthetic, so all the kids had to punch him to sleep.
205
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:23,200
Pavlov's asked Tim to be best man.
Best man? I know, being told you're a man's quite nice,
206
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:28,080
but the best one... I've always
wanted to tie the tin cans to the back of the car.
207
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,720
Oh, we did that at my
Uncle Peter's wedding.
208
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,840
He was a bit hard of
hearing, so we used dustbins.
209
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,800
Oh, it was so funny.
210
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,600
Oh, actually,
no, it wasn't, we killed a cat.
211
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:47,920
Have you any idea the trouble
you'll be in if immigration find out? I think the cat was English.
212
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:52,160
Lee, what we're doing is right,
and come on, who doesn't like a big white wedding?
213
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,040
I do.
214
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,240
Sorry, Lee, what were you
saying about fancying my mum?
215
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,400
Immigration come round, you know.
216
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,200
Test you, make sure you
really do know each other.
217
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,240
Don't worry, I've done my homework.
218
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,280
Go on, ask me a question.
219
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:10,320
All right, what's his date of birth?
220
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:16,040
3rd July, 1975. Born in the village
of Zetski, just outside the Capital, at 3.15am. Next!
221
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:22,440
What's his father's Christian name?
Vladimir. Married Olga in June 1968, maiden name, Ivorniski. Next!
222
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,320
How high can he jump?
223
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:35,600
Ridiculous, our only daughter
marrying someone to keep them in the country. Has she gone mad?
224
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:40,200
I said that. She's being a stupid
idealist. She could end up in prison. I said that as well.
225
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,920
That girl is not too old to
go over my knee, you know.
226
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:50,400
I feel bad having to come
round and tell you this, but I didn't know where else to turn.
227
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,800
I can't believe Tim is
going along with this.
228
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:57,240
I told him to go and punch this
bloke's lights out. Do you know where to find this fellow?
229
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:02,360
No idea. Pity. He wouldn't
be marrying my daughter once I'd finished with him.
230
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:07,720
He certainly wouldn't consummate
the marriage. Actually, I do remember roughly where he works now. Where?
231
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:14,880
Flanders & Son mechanical traders
yard, 365 Elmsley Drive, E16 4LJ. Want the phone number?
232
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,720
Maybe Lee should come with us.
233
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,400
I can handle myself,
thank you very much.
234
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:23,640
Far be it for me to interfere
with Geoffrey...handling himself.
235
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,920
It's not that finger.
236
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:43,720
When Papa came back from the market,
I looked up hopefully.
237
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:48,840
"Did you have enough potatoes
to exchange for a pig?" I said.
238
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,480
But he shook his head,
239
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:57,040
reached inside his sack
and pulled out a cat.
240
00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:02,400
We have only the Lord to thank
that little cat was still lactating.
241
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,000
You look amazing, Lucy.
242
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,440
Yes, you too, Tim.
243
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:19,480
I knew it was only
a matter of time before some lucky man stole you away.
244
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,440
Yes, you too, Tim.
245
00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:32,560
What's going on? Ah, Lee,
we're just helping Lucy and Tim make some choices for the big day.
246
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:38,640
What do you reckon?
Very nice, but isn't it illegal between brother and sister?
247
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:43,040
Unless you want kids with curly
tails and biscuit tin foreheads.
248
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:48,280
Talking of which, you two aren't
brother and sister, are you?
249
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:51,520
I'm sorry, Lee, but Pavlov's
stories are heartbreaking.
250
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:55,440
Oh, my God, he got to you as well.
He had to go down a tin mine at 11.
251
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,280
11? That's a lie-in!
252
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,160
11 years old.
253
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,120
So? I had a job when I was a kid.
254
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,200
We've all suffered. What did you do?
255
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,680
I was a shelf stacker at the Co-op.
256
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,280
Someone get me Amnesty
International(!) Have you decided what to do with those rings?
257
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:17,000
You don't want people staring at you
when you're fumbling in your pocket.
258
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,520
That's good advice
for you as well, Lee.
259
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,320
Don't worry, Dad,
I know exactly where they are. I'm taking no chances.
260
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:29,400
I've attached a length of cord tied
in a bowline knot, which is then secured to a tempered steel fob,
261
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:35,160
which is, in due course, fastened
to a specially sewn-in security tag on the inside of my waistcoat.
262
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:38,320
You see, people are always
mocking my precautious nature.
263
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,800
But now, who looks the idiot?
264
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:47,200
Have you all gone mad?
Lee, you should let us get on with things. There's a lot to do.
265
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,640
Fine, but don't come crying to me
when your daughter's a sex slave,
266
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:53,400
forced into prostitution
for old bits of scrap food.
267
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,640
Oh, lovely, not even cash now.
268
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:59,840
What are you talking about?
Ask Barbara when she gets here.
269
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,640
She's already here.
270
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:09,040
I know, it's the eye shadow.
Is it too much?
271
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:23,840
Well? They say they will need to come
around to your home three weeks after the wedding to interview us.
272
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:28,640
Maybe they will realise it's
all a lie. Oh, it'll be fine.
273
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:32,240
Everyone's helping, even Daisy.
She made this on the computer.
274
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:36,000
It's not perfect, but it's
the thought that counts.
275
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:42,040
You are right,
everything will be fine.
276
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:46,760
You know, I have never actually
been to an English wedding before.
277
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:48,600
Tell me, what is it like?
278
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,680
I'm going to be wearing
your bollocks as earrings!
279
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:07,400
Yes, we'd want the honeymoon suite,
plus another room next door...
280
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,760
I don't know, in case
things don't work out.
281
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:17,320
Yeah, it's under the names of Pavlov
Petrietskivadorski and Lucy Adams.
282
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,000
Yeah, sure, it's A-D-A...
283
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,520
Oh, I see. I've no idea.
284
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,400
I'll check and ring you back. Bye.
285
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:30,880
Oh, so honeymoon now, is it?
Well, us being married has got to look even more real now.
286
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:35,960
Something tells me I'm going
to get a visit from Immigration sooner than I thought.
287
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:43,760
Phwoar! Well, looking at this body,
at least you won't have to do any faking in the honeymoon suite.
288
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:47,120
I'm talking about orgasm...
I know what you're talking about.
289
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:51,800
We'll be in separate rooms.
My parents spent their whole married life in separate rooms.
290
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:59,120
It didn't stop them having sex.
No, it was father's latent homosexuality that stopped that.
291
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:03,800
Where are you going? Goa.
You're so lucky. I've always wanted to go to India.
292
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:07,680
It's been a dream of mine ever since
I saw It Ain't Half Hot Mum on the telly.
293
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,560
Mum was lucky enough to go once.
294
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,320
Oh, whereabouts? Pinewood Studios.
295
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,920
She got to meet
Windsor Davies afterwards.
296
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,960
KNOCK ON DOOR
297
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:21,840
Good afternoon, madam.
298
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,720
Who are you, Clark Kent?
299
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,720
Try again. Why, did I
pronounce your surname wrong?
300
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:35,000
I'm from the Immigration Department,
and I'm here to play a game we like to call...
301
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:38,520
(AS BRUCE FORSYTH)
Play Your Green Cards Right.
302
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:44,600
The subject tonight is dodgy East
European mechanics. What's going on?
303
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,040
I went to the Immigration Department
this afternoon.
304
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,240
At least you've got
the balls to admit it.
305
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:52,720
Well, for now, anyway.
306
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:57,600
Ah, I see. You think I told
'em what's going on, don't you? Well, didn't you?
307
00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,880
Lucy, I'm many things,
but I'm not a grass.
308
00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:04,120
You're always telling me what
Tim gets up to. That's not a grass, that's a snitch.
309
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:10,760
And that's fine, cos that suggests
a certain cheeky rodent charm that you'd see in a Disney film.
310
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:15,680
I went to find out the kind
of questions they ask you, I was worried.
311
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:20,560
And you could not be in any more
shit if you drowned in a colonic irrigation accident.
312
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:23,160
Ah, you heard about
Pavlov's cousin, then?
313
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,680
All right, you've got a test for me.
314
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:34,360
I'm prepared. What do you want to
know, Pavlov's height, population of his home country? Bring it on.
315
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:38,440
What's your future husband's
favourite television show?
316
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,520
Sorry? Oh, that sitcom
in the 1980s with Ronnie Corbett?
317
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:46,560
That's quite big, is it,
in Hoojaflakichapistan?
318
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,160
What else does he like,
Only Fools And Mountain Yaks?
319
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,600
What's his favourite fruit?
320
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,880
Lemons. Oh, tasty(!)
321
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,080
On their own,
or with a nice juicy onion?!
322
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:00,400
Lemons. Are you sure?
323
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:06,600
Yes. Because we at the Immigration
Department check with your other half, and the answers have to match.
324
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,320
OK, apples. Uh-uh!
325
00:23:09,320 --> 00:23:14,400
What's the answer, then? Lemons.
This is ridiculous. You can live with someone, be married,
326
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:18,360
be madly in love with them
and still not know what their favourite fruit is.
327
00:23:18,360 --> 00:23:23,080
All right, what's your
flatmate's favourite fruit? He doesn't eat fruit.
328
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:28,000
And why not? Because if God
had wanted us to eat fruit, he wouldn't have invented bacon.
329
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:34,600
Our survey said...ding!
And what's your flatmate's favourite television show?
330
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:39,280
Family Fortunes, the Bob Monkhouse
era, as he feels that Les Dennis didn't properly engage
331
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:44,600
with the spirit of the format,
and he's more than sceptical about the celebrity remake with Vernon Kay.
332
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,840
Our survey said... Yeah, all right.
333
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,560
You've made your point.
334
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:52,600
God, I really don't know
this guy at all, do I?
335
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:56,840
Don't chuck your life away.
You're hardly drinking in the last chance saloon.
336
00:23:56,840 --> 00:24:00,880
Maybe having a quick half in the
"Is that the time already?" bar and grill.
337
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:09,040
What am I doing? But I can't let him
down now, I've promised. Don't worry, I'll deal with it.
338
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:12,680
It's about time this bloke
tried one of his sad stories on someone else who's had it tough.
339
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,080
See where that gets him.
340
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:18,720
Are you OK?
341
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:21,600
Yes. Can I get you anything?
342
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,640
No.
343
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:28,720
Sorry, it was the bit about
your uncle having to eat his own false teeth that got me.
344
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:32,680
I think it's very nice,
you try to protect Lucy like this.
345
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:42,360
Don't worry, I will go back to my
country. It will give me a chance to visit my grandmother's grave.
346
00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:47,400
Oh, God! You mean the one
that kept warm by burning her own artificial legs?
347
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:50,240
Yes. You didn't tell me
she was dead.
348
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,480
The fire got out of control.
349
00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,040
She couldn't get away.
350
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:01,840
Such a shame, you know.
Everybody seemed to be so looking forward to this wedding.
351
00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,680
Wait... I've got an idea.
352
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,440
Do you really want to stay in
this country? I'd do anything.
353
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,640
Anything? Anything.
354
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,080
OK. You seem like you can cope
with a bit of suffering.
355
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:20,280
You obviously don't mind excessive
dirt, and you've obviously had a lifetime
356
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,560
of seeing your home being destroyed.
357
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:26,200
Barbara, how do you
fancy a trip to India?
358
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:30,440
♪ Fantastic day
359
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:37,360
♪ Fantastic day
360
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:48,080
♪ Well, I can find a funny
feeling funny as a smile
361
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:51,560
♪ When your mouth is all dry
362
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:55,080
♪ Why?
363
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:02,560
♪ Fantastic day
364
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:09,840
♪ Fantastic day
365
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:13,800
♪ Fantastic day... ♪
366
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:16,920
CAT YELPS
367
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:30,600
I hope Barbara's gonna be OK.
If Immigration were going to realise that I didn't know Pavlov inside out,
368
00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:32,480
how is she gonna be any different?
369
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:36,280
It's OK, she'll be fine. We got
a postcard off her this morning.
370
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:40,560
"Having a lovely time. Pavlov
seems happy. They've got his favourite type of ham.
371
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,160
"He likes to cut the rind off
and eat that first, which is unusual.
372
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:48,840
"He always has semi-skimmed milk,
yet it's full-fat cheese. What's going on there?!
373
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:52,840
"Anyway, can't wait to get off this
plane and see what India's like."
374
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,000
So, any regrets?
375
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,040
No. You?
376
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,880
Apart from not learning French.
377
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,920
Je ne regrette "croissant."
378
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,120
I'm glad I helped Pavlov. We've
got a lot in common, me and him.
379
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:15,760
He lost both parents in the civil
war, his brothers were kidnapped by the government,
380
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:20,760
and at the age of seven, he was
taught how to use a machine gun. You were brought up in Chorley.
381
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:24,280
It's true. He doesn't
know how lucky he's had it.
382
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,440
And now he's married to Barbara.
383
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,480
You win. He's got it tougher.
384
00:27:29,530 --> 00:27:34,080
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