All language subtitles for Jane.the.Virgin.S03E09.720p.WEB-DL.2CH.x265.HEVC-PSA

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, let's do this thing.

As you know,
Jane married Michael,

but then he was shot.

And even though he recovered,

he didn't pass
the physical for work,

so he couldn't be
a detective anymore.

Bright side,
he'd settled on a new career.

How about a lawyer?
Exciting, huh?

Also exciting, Jane's father,
Rogelio, met a matchmaker,

only he made a match
with her...

or rather,
a business arrangement.

Not to date, just
to have a baby with.

But then he developed
real feelings for Darci,

which was a big old no-no.
But you got to get over it

if you want to have
a baby with me.

And speaking
of complicated relationships,

Xo is back together
with her old flame, Bruce.

Oh, and Jane's baby daddy,
Rafael,

he was dating Jane's cousin,
Catalina,

who Jane thought
was pretty damn shady.

But she wasn't as shady as
Petra's twin sister, Anezka.

You recall Anezka paralyzed
Petra and then took her place,

and to make matters worse, she
started dating Scott as Petra.

I know! Traumatic, right?

So, when Petra finally woke up,
well... she was pissed.

I was freaking paralyzed
and nobody even noticed.

Oh, and one last thing...

Rafael recently found out

he wasn't really a Solano,

and then he discovered an
addendum to his father's will,

leaving everything
to his biological children,

which means if that will
comes to light...

well, Rafael stands
to lose a lot...

of money, that is.

Which, my friends,
is where we left off.

It should be noted that
Jane Gloriana Villanueva

knew her husband, well,

like she knew herself.

The Law Offices
of Michael Cordero Jr.

I like the sound of that.

So, she knew when
he decided to be a lawyer,

well, there was
no stopping him...

MICHAEL: Though the evidence
against the defendant

is circumstantial,

it does fit a pattern
of behavior, Your Honor.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: ...from
pretending he already was one.

Objection!
Your Honor,

the defendant is
way too cute,

and the prosecution
is way too sexy.

Objection sustained.

High fives.

So...

Good news and bad
news. Good news,

you can take the LSAT
at the end of this month.

Bad news, I got to take the LSAT
at the end of the month

and I suck at tests.

Standardized testing is about
learning the rules, the tricks.

You're trying to work in your
SAT scores again, aren't you?

No...

but, Mateo,

Mommy did really well.

Let me help you.

No, no way.
Recipe for disaster.

I just think
it'd be smarter for us

to separate church and state,
you know?
Yeah.

You're probably right.

But maybe you can make me
one of your patented calendars.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And, friends,

it was the most romantic thing

he could have said.

It just so happens that
I'm making myself one

to finish my thesis.

Add me in.

(gasps)
I'd love to.

Good... and schedule in
lots of sex.

Which she did,
for the record...

Mmm.

...as reward incentive
for lots and lots of studying.

And I have to say, so far,
separating church and state

has proved highly productive...

(laughs)
I can't believe it.

I actually finished a draft
of my novel.

...for church, anyway.

Congrats, babe.

State... has taken
a more laid-back approach,

which is totally stressing
church out.

So, what's on the agenda today?

Uh, same.
Just hitting the books.

Oh, did I tell you

I got an e-mail confirming
my interview

with Putnam Law School
on Wednesday?

What? No.

You never mentioned.
No! Run.

Run. Come on.

Michael,
Putnam's the ideal law school.

It's one of the good ones.

It's cheaper
and close to where we live.

I know, that's why
I'm busting my butt studying.

The-the game helps me
relax and focus.

Weren't you gonna drop
your novel off with your mom?

Which, for the record, is
exactly what she planned to do.

Hey, Dad.
Where's Mom?

I want to give her my...

Bracelet. Mom...

wanted to borrow it.
She was running late

coming back from Bruce's.

Shoot, I can't wait.

I can't wait, either.

ALBA:
Mm-hmm.

Bye-bye, bracelet.

I came here to
invite everyone

to the last day of
shooting for Tiago.

Okay, to be honest,
I'm also here to soak in

all of these lovely
family vibes

before I see Darci again.

Is it time?

To explain:
Rogelio had not seen Darci

since his feelings...
mm, came up.

Oh, my!

These three weeks apart
were just what I needed.

Whenever my feelings for her
would... arise,

I tamped them down

and reminded myself

what I'm fighting for:

our potential child.

Dad, what is that?

A composite baby-- half me,

half Darci.
Uy.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And 100% creepy.

Yeah.

I can't even look at it.

And luckily I don't have to.

Aw, there's the cutest face
on the planet.

Okay, he's cute, too.

WOMAN:
Wow!

He's really
putting words together.

(chuckles):
Yeah, geez.

Chauncy, what do you say?

Mom...

That was a full sentence.

I mean, I can hardly

understand him, but...

sure, that's a full sentence.

Is Jules talking?
Not like that.

I mean, "mama, dada."

Exactly.
"Ball." "Up."

"Baba" for "bottle." "Doggie."

Maybe, like,
20 words.
Whoa.

(gasps)
21.

(laughs)

Don't stress. All kids learn
at different rates.

Yeah. I'm not stressed.

Mateo! Don't put that rock
in your mouth!

ReEncoded By Dr.XJ | PSA
www.PSArips.com

RAFAEL:
A sentence?

I mean, the grammar was
all over the place, but yes.

Huh. Should we check in
with Dr. Garcia?

If you think so.

You've already made
an appointment.

11:30 tomorrow.
Mm-hmm.

Come on, Mateo, let's go
play with your sisters.

Have fun,

Mr. Sweetface.
Bye!

Oh-ho.

So, where's Cat?

The days when I have three kids
aren't really her speed.

Gotcha.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
I'll remind you,

Catalina isn't really
Jane's speed these days.

But since you asked...
I'm gonna end things with her.

Oh, really?

Stop pretending--
you're obviously happy.

I'm not.

Okay, fine, I'm a little happy.

Unless you're sad.

I'm fine.

I just don't need
the distraction right now.

Actually, there's,
um, something else

I wanted to tell you.

A few weeks ago,
I found an addendum

to my father's will,

and I've decided to probate it.

I'm meeting with my lawyer
on Friday, and...

you know, after that,
things could change for me.

Financially.

Substantially.

Whatever happens,
you'll be fine.

We'll all be fine.

RAFAEL:
Thanks. That means a lot to me.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Uh-oh.

Someone doesn't look fine.

But she sure does.

Ah! Petra, darling!

To catch you up,

these two first met
about three weeks ago.

Hello there. I'm Catalina,
and I just thought

I should introduce myself,
because I'm dating Rafael and...

redesigning the hotel menu!

(laughs)
Anything else?

I'm also Jane's cousin.

Oh. You went shopping
on Ocean Drive.

(laughs): Oh, no,
I'm not a hundred!

I love your watch.

Trés chic.

Mm. So, I have a
proposition for you.

Sexual?

Financial.

(laughs): Oh, what makes
you think I need money?

I googled your ex-husband.

Oh, please, there's no other
reason you'd marry that guy.

Trust me, I'd know.

(cash register rings)

So, Rafael's ending
things with you.

And Jane couldn't be
happier about it.

And clearly, you're trying

to manipulate me.

Oh, I... absolutely am.

You see, we're alike,
you and I,

so I know an opportunist
when I see one.

And if a situation's not
working, you might as well see

what you can get
out of it, hmm?

Well, here's what you can get.

$10,000. And all you have to do
is take Rafael away

for one night.

(bell dings, doors open)

I'll think about it.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Yeah, she's a hard one to read.

JANE:
Promise you'll read it soon.

I just need to know
if I can give it to Abuela.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
You'll recall Jane's novel is

loosely based
on her grandmother's feud

with her family in Venezuela.
Mm. I'm sure she'll love it.

Hmm. She seems weirdly into it.

Ah, yes, I almost forgot.

These two are still
in the honeymoon phase.

Lots of PDA.

My bracelet?

So, I guess
I should head home.

Is Michael still irritable?

So irritable.

Which I get.
LSATs are grueling.

Oh, yeah. I was so stressed,
my ulcer had an ulcer.

Then I got to the first
year of law school
and I realized,

ha, that was nothin'.

I basically lived
in the law library.

And then it was 90 hours a week
in the office racking up

billable hours,
massive student debt.

God, it was hard. That's when
my marriage really fell apart.

But you guys are gonna be fine.

Is that what it's gonna be like
for the next three years?

Assuming he gets in.
And if he doesn't,

he's gonna have to wait
a whole year to reapply.

And his severance
runs out in six months.

You're spiraling.
I'm totally spiraling.

(whispers):
I just feel really unsettled.

Talk to Michael.
Share your anxiety.

Remember, he wants you
to share your burdens with him.

You're my wife.

Let me help you.

Yeah, you're right.

MICHAEL:
Why the hell

would you tell me this now?

You said to share things.
Yeah,

but it's all about timing, Jane,
and now is not a good time!

Telling me all your fears
two weeks before

I have to take the
biggest test of my life

is not helping me relax.

And I need to be relaxed
to study, and I need

to study if I'm gonna
get into law school.

Although, apparently, that's
suddenly stressful for you, too.

So what's the point
of any of this?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well argued, Counselor.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't even know

how stressed I was.
No. No, I get it.

Yeah, of course you can tell
me when you're stressed.

You know that, right?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
To refresh...

Why the hell...

Your fears...

...is not helping...

Yeah. Totally.

And I'm also gonna sign up
for an LSAT prep class.

I think it'll help me
feel better prepared.
I think

that's a great idea.

Maybe I'll try something, too.

Let me guess.
Research? Making a list?

Yoga? Really?

Oh. Okay.

I'm trying to figure out
how to relax.

And I researched.

I knew it.

And the classes at the Marbella

are very well-rated on Yelp.

Of course. You should go.
Thank you.

Get ready. Next time you see me,

I'm gonna be all kinds of Zen.
(chuckles)

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Hey.
Hey there. You know,

it's probably nothing. But
I noticed at Mateo's playgroup,

that the other kids
have a lot of words.

Sentences, even. And he doesn't
have any, just mama and dada.

And we know we're probably
stressing for no reason.

Well, he should have a few
more words than mama and dada.

Is he bilingual?

I talk to him in Spanish
sometimes. My grandma does.

Sometimes kids who grow up
in bilingual households

speak later, but then their
language suddenly explodes.

It's great
for their brain development.

That might be
what's happening here.

(sighs)
Either that,

or...

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Come on. Use your words.

Let's keep an eye on it
for the next three months.

If the words still
aren't coming,

we'll consider
a speech pathologist.

Try not to stress,
though.

It's not good for you. Or him.

XIOMARA:
Geez.

How much yoga are you gonna do?

I don't know. A lot.

It's gonna make
everything better.

Okay...

And I hate
to stress you out more,

Oh, no. Ma.
Hon.

There's no way you can show
Abuela your novel as is.

Really?
I love it

so much, but the way
you describe her

and the whole feud
with her sister...

It's fiction.
You know how sensitive she is.

The difference
between fiction and reality.

For instance, if
I was a cobbler,

with a time portal,
I would bring back modern tools

from the future to make cobbling
easier, but since it's fiction,

it doesn't need to be
perfectly accurate.

Because people take liberties.

You know?

Hmm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And speaking of...

Ladies, gentlemen.

Thank you for coming
to the last taping

of Tiago.

(applause)
WOMAN: Yeah!

Okay.

I've had trouble figuring out
what to say

now that Tiago is ending.

What started as a cheap rip-off
of Quantum Leap

has become much, much more.

And now, as I stand here,

back where it all began,

in this cobbler's shed,

I realize...

...we cannot end it here,

absolutely not!

What?
Sorry.

It just hit me.
We can't end Tiago

in the exact same place
it began.

Rogelio,
we had five meetings about this.

You chose this.

Well, I unchoose it.

We can do better.

We have to do better.

You might want to take
your dad with you to yoga.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Also in need of relaxing...

(gasps)

What the hell are
you doing here?

I want to talk to you
about Anezka.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Deep breath, Petra.

Find your inner lotus.

Don't send her away.

I love her.

I just saw her the other day,
and we still

have a real connection.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Ah, yes. You remember this...

I just wanted to say good-bye.

I missed you.

She's already gone.

And that wasn't Anezka,

you idiot, that was me.

That's right.

I know you and Rafael
were working together

to screw me.

Get out of here,
you vested vermin.

Ah, don't worry, baby.

Petra thinks you're gone.

Now what, my king?

Well, now we get some
leverage on her,

so we can be together,
out in the open forever.

DARCI:
All right, Rogelio.

It's been three weeks,
where are we?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Alas, the moment of truth.

Is there still
a love connection here?

It's fine; I feel nothing.

Really?

Mm-hmm.
(chuckles)

Uh-uh.

(whimpers quietly)

Okay. I have a boner.

Rogelio.

Not a physical boner,
an emotional one.

An emo-ner, if you will.

I'm sorry. I have to be honest.

Yeah. I know.

Okay.

So it's a no-go on the kid.

For now.

Unless, perhaps...

it were
to happen eventually...

the old-fashioned way.

Can't we go on a date?
See where this leads.

Fine. One date.

At this moment, I would love
to grab you in my embrace

and kiss you,
but I must ask first,

since Donald Trump has ruined
romance for all of us.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Along with a lot
of other things.

Yes.

You can kiss me.

(groans)

INSTRUCTOR:
Now remember, thoughts are
just things to let go of,

so as a thought arises,

let it drift away
as if on a cloud.

Inhale your worries...
(inhales)

and exhale, let them go.

(exhales)

Inhale...

and exhale.

Inhale...

and exhale.

Can you scooch over?

Jane!

Scooch a little.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Inhale and exhale, Jane.

INSTRUCTOR:
And slowly transition
into downward dog.

And exhale into the pose...

So I actually wanted
to talk to you.

Now's not a great time.

I can't relax
until it's sorted.

INSTRUCTOR:
Good. Breathing in and out.

(inhales)

Inhale...

Calm... exhale your fear.

Did you actually say

you'd be happy if Rafael
broke up with me?

Did he say that?

You haven't answered
my question.

INSTRUCTOR:
Now let's move into Kasyapasana.

Beginners just try a side plank.

I am not one
to hold on to things.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
How are you doing that?

So if you said it,
I'd rather you just tell me.

Fine. I did.

I can't believe it.

Since you've been here
you've constantly lied.

That is not...
It is. And you know it.

You are a liar.

Why don't you step away

until you can...
(inhales and exhales)

...calm yourself down.

(inhales)

(knocking on door)

I'm in.

$10,000 and...

throw in your watch.

Afternoon.
Buenos días.

Hey.

I haven't turned it in.
I-I can make changes.

You did?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Whoa. I didn't see that coming.

Abuela.

(crying and laughing)

I'm so happy right now.

(both laughing)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR (crying):
Me, too.

Hey, Darci.

Oh, hi.

Hear you have
a big date.

I'm actually
really excited.

(Rogelio clears throat)

Thank you all for coming.

I'm sorry to announce
we will not be filming

the Tiago finale today.

Thank you and drive safe.

DINA:
Rogelio.

What are you doing?

Ending Tiago in outer space

on the International
Space Station

in an homage to
2001: A Space Odyssey

is a dumb idea
from a dumb film

I admit I do
not understand

and should have
never agreed to.

Well, you did.

Well, I un-agree.

I...

Xo, will you talk to him?

You're the only one who can get
through to him

when he's like this.

Of course.

(printer grinding)

I thought you were done.

The deadline, your
abuela liked it.

I found a few typos.
Oh.

Got it.

So much extra did you have
to pay

for the world's loudest printer?
(chuckles)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Here's a fun LSAT logic game:

Is the answer...
(printer beeping)

Shoot. Another one.

Or C...

Seriously?

Sorry. Last time.

Okay. You know what? I'm gonna
go to the coffee shop, okay?

Hmm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Looks like someone's having
trouble letting go.

And speaking of letting go...

All right, Rafael,
drop her like she's hot.

Listen, Rafael, we've
been having loads of fun,

but we've come
to the end of our road.

It's time for me to go.
You're leaving?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Well, that was easy.

Well, uh, if you

really feel you
have to go...

But I thought maybe
we could have

one last adventure together.

No strings attached.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Don't do it, Rafael.

(laughing):
I, uh...

happened to grab
a few pamphlets

from the front desk...
(exhales)

Things to do around Miami.

Pick one.

Oh, come on.

What do you have to lose?

We'll have great sex,
great fun

and a great story
to tell someday.

Our last hurrah.

Besides, you could use
a proper adventure.

Couldn't you?

Close your eyes.

(both laughing)

(sighs)

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Man, I can't even watch this.

Hopefully, this is
a happier date.

If we find ourselves
overcome with desire

and are unable to make it
through the entrees,

we can always
finish our meal at home.

I, for one, am always
ravenous after lovemaking.

Darci Rule Number 12--
never lay it on too thick.

It makes you look desperate.

Rogelio de la Vega is not now,

nor has he ever been, desperate.

Classic narcissism paired with

a third-person reference.
I see it all the time

from my A-listers. I didn't
think I'd get it from you,

though.
Are you trying to say
I'm not an A-lister?

Are you trying
to say that you are?

Salad nicoise for the lady.

And seafood quartet
for the gentleman.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Man, that's a lot of fish.

Darci Rule Number 23--

never order something
you don't look

attractive eating.

Clearly you skipped that lesson.

What's going on?

Why are you being so critical?

Hey, this is me.
You want to date me,

you need to know
exactly who I am.

Not all at once!

You hide this stuff
on your first date.

Then, as someone starts
to fall for you,

you slowly reveal
all your quirks.

I just want to cut to the chase.

See if it's worth investing
in this relationship or not.

Well, you're gonna be this
critical, then the answer is no.

We should go
our separate ways.

Or, you know, put me back
in your dating pool,

since I paid for
the three-month platinum plan.

Fine. And we'll just go back
to the kid plan.

No.

Kids deserve
to be treated

like A-listers, too.

And if you're gonna be
this critical with me, well...

MICHAEL:
No way.

I thought you were just gonna
make a few little changes.

I was, but that led to a few
bigger changes, and then

the whole thing started
unraveling, and now I'm lost.

What's that?
Essential oils
from my new yoga

teacher who thought
I needed to chill out.

She applies it
to her temples.
I'll try some of that.

Really need a good night's sleep
for my interview tomorrow.
Mmm.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Okay, so just breathe
that in and...

Wow. The oils really seem
to be relaxing Michael.

Jane? Not so much.

She needs to go medical grade,
in my opinion.

You know, I don't think
you understand

how truly stressed Jane is,
so I'm going to let you in.

JANE:
Oh, good. Michael's sleeping.

Good for him.
I'm glad he can sleep.

I'm so happy about that.

And I'll get used to dealing
with my own anxiety myself.

You seem stressed, babe.
(sighs)

I am. Actually, I was hoping

that I could talk.
Do you mind

heading out to your stress shed
then, because I'm stressed, too,

and your stress really isn't
working for me, okay?

JANE:
That's ridiculous.

Come on, Jane.
Keep it real. Relax.

Relax.

Mateo. Oh, think of Mateo.

Yes, Mr. Sweetface.

Hi, Mr. Sweetface.
How was kindergarten?

(in a deep voice):
It ruled! I totes dominated
at kickball today.

And I'm pretty sure I'll have
my ABCs down any day now.

JANE:
Mateo's fine.
Do not stress about Mateo,

not for three months.

Focus on your novel.

You have to finish
your freakin' novel.

I'm just rethinking the opening
of chapter four.

I need those pages before
I drop dead, Ms. Villanueva.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Like I said,
I think she's going

to need something stronger
than essential oils.

Oh, good.
(sighs)

Looks like Jane finally
got some sleep.

Ah. (gasps) Oh!

And Michael turned
into a puffer fish!

What's wrong?
Whoa!

He had some allergic reaction,
and now he has a law school

interview this afternoon.
Looks like I just

pulled my head out of a beehive.

All right, let's give him
the full Mickey Rourke.

He's gonna look a little tan
and weird and greasy,

but at least
he won't look contagious. Go!

Thanks for doing this, Dad.
I hope I didn't put anyone out.

No, no. The
whole crew has

been here for 24 hours straight.

Nothing's right for
the ending of Tiago.

I get it.

I thought I was done
with my novel,

and then I just took
the entire thing apart.

Ooh, I know.

You can end Tiago
in Venezuela circa 1975.

(laughs)

Oh, God, no,
that sounds incredibly boring.

(chuckles)
I meant

to dramatize,

you know, visually, on-screen.

Nice save.
Hmm.

Hey, how was your date
with Darci?

Terrible.
She was super critical.

It was clear that she didn't
even want to be there.

What? She was so excited
when I saw her

right before.

MICHAEL:
So, how do I look?

So much better.

Eat your heart out,
Mickey Rourke.

Right, Matelio?

And Rafael's not
answering his phone,

so looks like Mateo's coming
with us to the interview.

I'll drive, you rest.

It'll be our first
family road trip.

Where's-where's Rafael?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Let's find out.

Just... try
and relax.

Be... in the moment.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
What moment? Where are we?

Now, close your eyes.

Open your spirit,

and listen to the ancestors.

(whispering):
This really isn't my thing.

Feel the vibrations
around you.
Come on.

What's the worst
that could happen?
Feel the earth...

With my luck, one
of my ancestors will manifest

and turn out
to be an ax murderer.
(laughing)

Shh.
(grunts)

This is a ceremony
about rebirth. The warm,

dark hut represents the womb.

And when this
ritual is over,

you will be reborn
into the world.

(steam hissing)
Allow the steam

to cleanse the
impurities of your past.

Let the heat melt your burdens

and fears...

I feel really hot.

Like...

so hot.

(whispering)
Well, that's the point.

It's a sweat...
(thuds)

(sighs)
Are you okay?

I'll be fine.

I don't know what happened.

(laughing)

Look, this whole thing
just isn't my scene.

A little too
hippy-dippy for me.

Huh.

See, I actually really liked

what the guru was
saying... about rebirth.

I like to think that's possible,
because there's something so...

optimistic about it, you know?

If you screw things up,
you can make it right.

Yeah, I can see that.

On the other hand...

Rafael, are you all right?

Well... (laughs)

Sorry. (sniffles)

I must still be
overheated or something.

Well, what's going on?

Just the whole, um...

all the rebirth thing.

I just found out

my parents aren't really
my parents, so, you know?

What?

Which I shouldn't be dumping
on you on our last trip away.

No, no, no, of
course you should.

You can trust me.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Only he couldn't, friends!

Remember.

I know. This is bad.

(door closes)

Really bad.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
Really, really bad...

traffic. If you're on I-95 right
now, you're not going anywhere.

(horn honks)
That oil spill

has just shut down
traffic in both directions.
(horn honking)

What?!

Nothing.
It's not my fault that
they shut down the highway.

I never said it was.

Then would you stop
giving me dirty looks?
It's not dirty looks.

This is just my swollen, puffy,

melting
Mickey Rourke face, okay?

It actually looks like
it's getting better,

like the antihistamines
are kicking in.

This is ridiculous.
There's no way

we're gonna make
the interview, so I'm calling

to cancel.

(touch tones sounding)

(scoffs)

(touch tones sounding)
Do you want me

to dial for you?
No!

JANE:
Okay.

(crying continues)
Oh, great! The voice mail.

(Mateo screaming)
Oh.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Essential oils, anyone?

(Mateo crying)
It's gonna take at least
three hours to clear.

Are you serious?
According
to the Internet.

(sighing):
Oh!

MICHAEL:
Look, there's a
campsite off that exit.

We should pull off.
Seriously?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Let me remind you
that Jane hates camping...

which Michael knows.
I have my gear in the trunk.

You want to stay the night?

It'll be dark in an hour,

and we're three hours
from moving, okay?
(Mateo shrieks)

Oh.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I think
we know where Mateo stands.

Great. Fine, let's camp.

Feet to the fire.
I did.

More personal than Brexit.

Oh, it was so
embarrassing. I thought

it would never pass,
so I didn't vote.
Nope.

Not counting it.
I had so many friends
in Parliament.

More personal!

(laughing)
Fine. Fine.
More personal.

I can't have kids.

How's that?

It's fine. No pity.

Well... I can't have
any more, either,

so, you know...

You do have three.

True.
So not the same.

Uh-uh.
Mm.

I didn't even think
you liked kids.

Oh, I do. So much.

That's why I've been...
pulling away from yours.

Don't want to get attached.

I had no idea.

Well, we've been
getting drunk on tequila

and having... great sex,

so, hasn't been the most
serious relationship.

Yeah. You're right.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Don't get sucked in, Raf!

She's playing you! She took
Petra's watch for God's sake!

Wait.

I need to tell you something.

(groans)

I wish we were home!
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
To be clear,

Michael definitely
got that memo.

I told you, you need
to use a rock.

Not that hard.
You'll bend the stake.

You are the world's worst
back-seat tent-putter-upper.

It takes ten minutes.

Good. Great.
You get the medal.

I don't want a medal.
I just--

I don't even understand
what's happening.

What's happening is you are
stressing me out.

And I'm not allowed to tell you,
but you are.

And if we can't even deal
with stress while you're

just trying to get into
law school, how the hell

are we gonna actually deal with
it when you're in law school?

Well, you don't have
to worry about that,

'cause I'm not getting into
any law schools,

since I failed every one
of my practice tests.

So what happened?
Because you liked me.

What?
Even Jane saw it.

So why did you
push me away?

I didn't.

You feel something.

I don't.

And I don't believe you.

Okay, fine. I have an
emotional boner or whatever.

But I don't want
to get involved.

Why?

Because you're
too attached to your ex.

I know how this works.

I'm a matchmaker
for cripes' sake.

That kind of baggage
does not fit in the overhead.

Oh, come on.
Everyone's got baggage.

The way you are reacting
to the way I reacted to Xo,

that's coming
from your baggage.

Yeah. Obviously someone
you were dating

went back to an ex.

Look. Sure, in an ideal world
we'd be like Adam and Eve,

the first man
and woman on Earth

with totally clean
slates, but...

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR
And that's when it hit him.

The genesis of a great idea.

What the hell
are you looking at?

I-I-I'm sorry, Darci,
I know we're supposed

to be discussing
our relationship,

but I need to get
down to the stage

and have the writers do
another all-night revision.

But I'd really like it if you
came to the finale of Tiago,

for the last time.

You'll see that you
have inspired it.

Why didn't you tell
me about the tests?

Because I know the stuff.

And I do fine
when it's not timed,

but then it's timed
and I sit there,

and it all just
overwhelms me.

I start thinking what if
I don't have enough time

to finish the logic questions?

And then I start worrying
about the fact

that I wasted all that time
time worrying.

And if I don't finish,
I'll do badly,

and I won't get in anywhere,

or I'll get in
somewhere really crappy.

Won't be able
to get another job,

we'll be in all this debt

and we'll end up homeless.

Michael,
that's not gonna happen.

At least worry
about real things.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Like a stress shed?

But I get it.

I go worst-case
scenario, too.

Maybe we should think about
what could actually happen.

Worst case.

Uh...
(sighs)

I fail the test.

I run out of severance,
can't find another job.

And I turn my book in and
completely fail as a writer.

Is that why you haven't
turned it in?

I mean, probably, right?

So I fail, we're broke.

I guess we move in
with your mom and grandma.

Oh, man, that
would suck.
So much.

We got to get my mom

to move in with Bruce.
That's good.

Good thinking.
We'll get your abuela

to start dating that guy
from the gift shop

she's been crushing on.

You noticed that, too?
Yes, I have.

So, she'll move in with him.

Wow, just like that, we're
unemployed with a house.

And our home brewery
is really taking off.

(laughs)

I was wrong to push you away.

And I know we have
to figure out how to deal

with stress better as a couple.

We just...

have to find a way to relax

that reminds us that even in
the worst-case scenario...

we still have
each other, right?

Tent.

Did he just say...?
Was that...?

Tent. Tent.

Oh, my God.
Yes, Mateo.

Yes. This is a tent.

Whoa!

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Take that, Chauncy.

BOTH: Tent, tent,
tent, tent, tent, tent.
(giggles)

(coughing)
Sorry to cut our trip short,
Raf.

I just don't feel too well.

It came out of nowhere.

(knocking on door)

Anyway, take your shower.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Wait. I thought
he was in the shower.

What are you doing here?
Where are the cameras?

What? What are
you talking about?

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, that was a set-up.

Cat told me what you said.
Rafael, come on.

The only way

you could have known
Don't get carried away.

is if there were cameras.
Rafael...

Rafael.

What the hell is this?

Well you had cameras first.
Petra.

You did, in the teddy bear.

Because I thought
it wasn't you.

Exactly! Because
I was paralyzed!

Do you understand?

I was paralyzed and I
was forced to lie there

and listen to what everybody
really thought and-and said.

And things are different now.

I-I can't even tell what's
real and what's not.

But with the cameras I can.
I can go back. I can...

I can rewind,
I can make sure.
Petra.

If you're looking for the will,
it's over. I destroyed it.

Why would you
destroy the will?

I had to.

For the babies.

It's the only
thing I can do.

We just started to bond.

Do you remember when
she paralyzed me?

(squealing and laughing)

(gasps)

(crying):
They don't know me now.

They cry when I hold them.

But the money, I can
help with the money,

with you not
losing your money.

Hey, hey.

(sighs)
You're gonna
be okay, Petra.

You're gonna be okay.

Right now...
everything

just feels...

MICHAEL:
Like it's gonna work out.

There's something about
the big open sky.

Our problems just seem
so insignificant.

Exactly.

That's why
I love camping.

So maybe this is what we'll do.

To de-stress.

I don't know if
I'd go that far.

(laughs)

You're relaxed.
(laughs)

Yeah. I really am.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Meet Zen Jane.

I love you.

And if-- actually, no,

let's let them
have this moment.

And we'll stop here, now.

At the dawn of time.

(groaning)

DIRECTOR:
And hold.

And action.

(groaning)

(gasps)

(grunts)

DIRECTOR:
And cut.

And that's a series wrap
on Tiago

a Través del Tiempo.

(applause)

You came.

Let's give it a try.

And I would love to grab and
kiss you if that's all right.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Aw. It looks like the stars

might finally be aligning
for these two.

♪ ♪

And now let's check in on...

Is she asleep?
RAFAEL:
She is.

Thanks for your help.
Of course.

And I'm sorry again.

I agreed to help her before
things changed between us.

I know.

But...

I want you to leave.

I just...

I have so much
on my plate right now.

And someone like you,

who I, I really like

but who isn't
100% trustworthy...

...it's just not what
I need right now.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Talk about rebirth.

Okay, then.

And give Petra her watch back,
weirdo.

All right. I am off.

And I'm sorry again
that things got weird.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
And she doesn't even know
about the watch.

Well, you know.
Good luck

back in New York.

I really did love
getting to know you, Jane.

Oh, anyways,

my Uber is here.
We'll stay in touch.

Mwah, mwah.

Au revoir.
Bye.

XIOMARA:
Bon voyage.

(door closes)

(sighs)

Me, too.
Me, too.

Yes. Michael did well

on his practice LSATs.

I'm so glad.

And you sent in your novel.

I know. Change is
on the horizon.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
It sure is.

So I found you
a psychologist.

It won't help.

Just promise
me you'll go.

♪ ♪

As long as you don't bring up
the addendum again.

Please.

I destroyed it.
(sighs)

Oh. One last
wedding gift,

Mrs. Archuletta.

Why, thank you,
Mr. Archuletta.

What is it?

It's our ticket
to freedom, baby.

This piece of paper
is all we need.

LATIN LOVER NARRATOR:
Oh, poor Scott.

If only he knew the events

he was about to trigger.