All language subtitles for Benders.S01E07_English

*

- Hey!
Put that thing out, man.

Karen's gonna be home
in a minute.

- It's just e-liquid.
There's no smoke, just vapor.

- Yeah, but it smells like
syrupy-sweet death.

Now put it down, get over here,
and help me set the table.

I can't believe I'm cooking
for you guys on my birthday.

- Wait, it's his birthday?

- Why do you think
we're here, man?

- To smoke weed
and drink beer?

Hey, if Karen's
on her way home,

then why are you
setting the table?

That's woman's work.

- You should tell her that.

Love to see
how that goes down.

- No problem, because,
unlike you, I run a tight ship.

How come that one fish
is eating that other fish?

- What?

Oh, damn, Chuck!

I forgot to tell Declan
to feed the fish.

- Look at him go, man.

God, I wish we were high
right now.

- Yes, me too.

- Hello!
- Hey!

- Hope I'm not
too late for the party.

- How was your trip?
- Good.

Played hard, worked hard.

Vegas.
I miss my birthday boy.

- Yeah?
- Hey!

Would you mind
not smoking?

We have a child
in the house.

And I don't mean Paul.

- Paul said it was okay.

- I didn't--I didn't
say that.

- Oh, I need some paper, man.

I want to make a card.

- Over there, right?

- Oh, yes!

- I have a surprise for you.

- Okay.

- Oh, my God!

Fire ate Chuck.
You forgot to feed them.

That's, like, the whole reason
I moved it out here.

- There was a lot
going on, babe.

I mean, you don't
even know.

- No, I mean,
I do know because

I deal with it every day.

Well, you're telling Declan
in the morning.

- Uh, excuse me?

I thought you had
a surprise for us.

- Not for you, for him.

- Okay.

- Close your eyes.

[dramatic music]

*

- Holy shit.

[hip-hop music]

- Happy [bleep] birthday.

- Oh, my God.

- Do you like them?

[clapping]

- Okay, okay, guys.
Thank...

You did this for me?

- Yeah.

Anything for my baby
on his birthday.

- Yo, yo, yo!

What's new, boys?

- Uh, two things.
Two things are brand-new.

- Karen, this is
my girlfriend.

- Hi, I'm Tanya.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too!

- Hey, Tanya.

- Something about you
looks different.

What, did you
get your hair done?

- Keep guessing.

[camera shutter clicking]

- Hey.
All right, guys.

This is the mother
of my child.

[Zeus' "You Gotta Teller"]

[upbeat rock music]

*

- * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

- Yeah!

- * You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

[skates scraping]

- Dude, she is so hot.

Where'd you find her?

- Community center
after night class.

- You're taking
night classes now?

- Oh, yeah, I thought I'd
educate myself

to become a better person.

No, dummy!

I hang out on the steps
as they let out to pull tail.

- That is creepy.

- Should do what
everyone else does--JDate.com.

- JDate? I thought
you were on Tinder.

- Nah, Tinder doesn't work
for Asian men.

- What?
What do you mean?

- Nah, dog, like, Asian women
totally, but, like,

black women and Asian men,
we lose out, man.

I crush it in real life.
Tinder doesn't work.

Swipe left.

- You could buy online.

I'm an analog man,
my friend.

Plus, there's, like,
ten different groups

that all let out at once.

- Yeah?
What class was she taking?

- Photoshop
or an NA meeting.

What's the difference?

She's so hot,
I didn't even ask.

- I'm surprised
you know her name.

- Actually just learned it

when she introduced herself
to Karen.

But the bigger problem
with this chick is,

she just won't stop
talking in bed.

- I love when chicks
talk dirty.

- See, that,
I wish she was doing.

Every night, I'm about
to fall asleep,

and it's yap, yap-yap, yap-yap.

- Small price to pay
for those legs, though.

- Okay, but try listening
to her whole family tree

at 2:00 a.m.
- Just get headphones.

- You know I can't fall asleep
with headphones in.

- I do?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, he can't.

- I'm cutting her loose
tonight.

- If this is definite,
would you mind if I ask her out?

- Yeah, I mind.

Okay, I plan on keeping
the door open

for the random booty call.

- My dad met my mom
at a maple syrup festival

in Vermont, which is so cute,
and I love maple syrup.

And then her father was
a third cousin once removed

from my dad's step-aunt,
which is just crazy.

And the rest, they say,
is history, and then my--

- Let's just skip
the history lesson, shall we?

How do my new boobs look?

- Oh, my God, Karen,
they're gorgeous.

Why did you do it?

- Mainly to see the expression
on Paul's face.

It was priceless.

I'm thinking of naming them
Shock and Awe.

Um, can I tell you something?

- Sure.

- They're temporary.

They're called
"vacation breasts."

- [whispers]
What are vacation breasts?

- I work at a women's magazine,
and I met this doctor

who does this procedure
with a saline injection.

It took 20 minutes, and they'll
be gone in two weeks.

- Oh, my God.

Does Paul know that they're
gonna disappear soon?

- Oh, not a clue.

- So wait, you don't think
that he's gonna realize

that you didn't get, like,
actual surgery?

- You don't know these guys
very well, do you?

- Can I touch them?

- Oh, yeah, absolutely.

- They just--they look
so natural.

- Yeah, go for it.

- Holy shit.

Do you see that?

- Where is my phone?
Where is my phone?

Send me those pictures.

- Your girlfriend's
molesting my wife.

- I know.
Happy birthday.

It's like a gift
for all of us.

- Are you sure that you want
to break up with her now?

- I think, maybe, I'm gonna
stick this one out.

- Yeah.

- You got a pair of headphones
I can borrow?

- Yeah, in the car.

[slow funk music]

- Ow!
Hurry up.

- Hey, I'm doing my best.
I've never done this before.

- You don't have to tear
into me like a bag of M&M'S.

- Well, who told you
to put Band-Aids

on your nipples,
the doctor?

- No, but now that my boobs
are big, I'm kind of

self-conscious
about my nipples.

- Why?
You have beautiful nipples.

They're like baby toes.

- Is that supposed to be
a compliment?

'Cause it really doesn't
make me feel good about myself.

- You should feel amazing
about yourself,

especially with these big
airbags you just bought Papi.

Sex?

- Not until you take off
the Band-Aids.

- I would love to have sex with
you with these Band-Aids on.

- I want to do it
with them off.

- Okay, well, just stay still
for a second,

then I'll rip them off
on three.

- Fine, but if it hurts,
I'm gonna duct-tape your dick

and pull it really slow.

- Did I ever tell you
the story

about when
I locked my keys--

- [gasps]
That wasn't so bad.

[gasps]

Meet me under the covers.

[upbeat rock music]

- What he does, I've never
seen him before in my life,

but he's here to be
interviewed...

- Baby, guess what.

There's gonna be
a street festival this weekend.

[giggles]

And there's gonna be
a tambourine competition.

Oh, my God, I bet all the best
tambourine players

from around the entire world
are gonna be there.

We should totally go.

I don't know if
I've ever told you this,

but I actually played
tambourine in a band.

And it's not as easy
as it looks.

It's actually really hard.

Schmoopy?

Are you not listening to me?

- Oh, what's that?

- Why are you sleeping
with your headphones on?

You're not trying
to tune me out, are you?

- Oh, no way, baby.

I always fall asleep
with headphones on.

- Hmm.

I've never noticed.

- Yeah,
I have "tin-nit-us."

- Tinnitus.

- Yeah, no,
it comes and goes.

- I guess.

Anyway, I'm kind of an expert
at the tambourine.

Did you know that the
little tiny jingle bells

at the bottom
are called zils?

Nobody really knows that.
- ...was pure panic.

*

- So Karen's been
cooking vegan this week.

Every one of my shits
looks like a protein bar.

- Dude, I can barely
keep my eyes open.

- Dude, don't rub it in,
all right?

I get it. You've got a young
hot girlfriend.

You're banging like crazy.

- Yeah, close.

She kept me up all night
blabbing about tambourines.

- Get it,
get it, get it!

- Dummy!
- Come on, Dickie.

- God, tambourines?
- Yeah.

- What the hell is there
to talk about tambourines?

- Apparently a lot.

You know the little balls at
the end of them are called zils?

- Zils? Okay.
- Zils.

- She talked all the way
through Marc Maron's podcast,

then the entire Foo Fighters'
"Sonic Highway" album.

- I understand
Marc Maron's podcast,

especially the beginning;
that's boring as shit.

But the Foo Fighters?
That's a double album.

- I know.

- You got to break up
with this chick immediately.

- Nah, dude, I can't.

The sex is so good,
I have to preserve

the booty call potential.
[whistle blasts]

Ref, that's bullshit,
and you know it.

- Good luck with that.

- No, I already got
the whole thing planned out.

I overheard her telling
one of her friends

she's allergic to cats,
so I'm just gonna get a cat,

and then she's gonna get
all sneezy and wheezy and shit

and be forced to start sleeping
back at her own apartment.

- Dude, how old are you?
Just break up with this chick.

- Me, really?
Come on, Sebalos.

The game is that way.

Get out of here.
- Mwah.

- Easy for you to say, dude.
- Bro, not cool.

- You married your high school
sweetheart like an idiot.

- Hey, ref, you gonna
make us pancakes in the morning?

Because you've been
banging us all night!

- Screw you!

- Yeah, plus, the chick's
perfect when she's not yapping.

- Oh, she sounds amazing.

- And get this, the cat,
it comes with a 30-day return

policy, so as soon as Tan--
nice mustache!

So as soon as Tanya bolts,
I'm gonna take Puss in Boots

right back to the can.

I look like a good guy.

Shit, a great guy since I'm
rescuing the cat for a few days.

Open door for the
booty call at her place,

if and when needed.

- Anthony, that's genius.

My only question is, why
can't you use your brain

for anything useful?

Jesus!

- Unbelievable!

You're unbe--
just wear sneakers!

- Whoo!

- What else is new?

- Yeah, we played honorably,
that's all that matters.

- Maggie May's for some pops?

- I can't tonight, man.

- What, you get a hat trick
and all of a sudden

you're too good for us?

- Hey!
You leave him alone.

You know exactly what he has
waiting for him at home.

And if it was me,
I wouldn't even

have showed up
to this game.

I got you, man.

- Dude, is it just like
being with a whole new woman?

I mean, 24-7 motorboat,
right?

- Hey! This is my wife we're
talking about, all right, guys?

- It's not like we're asking
about her real tits.

Why are you being
such a prude, son?

- They are her real tits now,
and that's enough about them.

- Guys, look, we're on
a need-to-know basis, okay?

And I think we already know
what we need to know.

- Yeah, that her tits
are absolutely legendary.

[all exclaiming]

- Where'd you get this?

- On Twitter, son.

She's got 5,000 new followers
since yesterday.

- How do I unfollow this?

- [whispers]
Enjoy.

- Hey, little guy.

Hey, look at this guy.

Which one of these cats
give off the most allergies?

- Uh, I'm not sure
what you mean.

- Like, if I want to make
someone, you know,

scratch and itch,
which cat would I pick?

- Are you here
to rescue a cat?

- Yeah, definitely.

Jesus.

You have beautiful eyes,
by the way.

- Thank you.

So you're here to hit on me

and not ask weird questions
or...

- No, I'm seriously interested
in adopting a cat.

I mean, that's why I'm here.
It's...

You ended up being a bonus.

- I like women.

- Course you do.
That's why you work with cats.

I know.

- Okay, that's
such a cliché.

- Um, I'm not exactly sure
what you mean by cliché,

but it's turning me on.

- Are you adopting
a cat or not?

- Yes. Give me the cat that
gives off the most allergies.

- You're serious.

- Of course.

Let me ask you something.

Can you throw in
a six-month supply of cat food?

- Why would we do that?

- Look,
I'm doing you a favor

by taking this cat
off your hands.

I mean, we all know
what happens to them

if you can't
give them away, right?

They kill them?

- I'm getting so tired
of speaking to you.

It takes up so much energy.

- I know.

Why can't my girl
be more like you?

Anyway, give me
your sneeziest cat.

Okay, buddy.

Hey.

[cat meowing]

How you doing?

Ah, there he is.

Hi.

[cat yowls]
Ah!

Cat!

Damn it.

- [laughing]

That's so good.

- I know.

- Oh, we're having
so much fun.

- What's, uh, so funny?

- You wouldn't get it,
honey. Hi.

- What's with
the long face, man?

Did somebody break
your calculator at work today?

- What are you guys
doing here?

I thought we were meeting
at the bar later.

- We are. I think I left
my wallet here the other night.

- Really? Okay.

And what does this
wallet look like?

- Uh, it's blue Velcro
and it has

two crossed hockey sticks
on the front.

- So a kid's wallet.

- Yeah, I got it
when we went to

the Hockey Hall of Fame
with my parents.

My brother got
an autographed Messier puck.

He lost it in, like,
a week--the jerk-off.

Anyway, it has
sentimental value.

- That's really sweet.
I'll keep an eye out for it.

- Thank you. At least someone
around here cares.

- Let's get out of here.
I'm hungry.

Can we get some burgers
please?

- Yes, oh, I could go
for a couple of Whoppers.

- Hey, did you check
the bathroom upstairs?

- Mm-mm.
- I'll be right back.

- She's so nice.

- What the hell
is your problem?

- What?
- What do you mean?

- You lost your wallet?

You couldn't come up
with something

more original than that?

And then you're
gonna talk about

my wife's new tits
right in front of me?

- I was [bleep] starving is all.
- Yeah.

- You came over here
to get an eyeful

of my wife's new high-beams.

You take any more
Instagram photos?

Let me see your phone.

- I have to say
I am more than offended.

- I guess I can understand
accusing Dickie, but me?

- You're both culpable.

- Culp-a-what?

- Sorry, guys, I didn't see it.
- I'll explain it to you later.

That's okay.
Thank you for looking.

So we'll see you both
tonight?

- Both?

- Oh, yeah, the guys
invited me to the bar.

- Oh, of course they did.

- No, it's for
the fund-raiser, bro.

The more, the merrier?

God, it's for the girls.

- The twins could really
use the support.

- Good-bye.

- What?
- Good-bye.

Good-bye, guys.
- All right.

- Get out of my house.
Leave my house right now.

- Oh, I don't have a wallet,
though; can you spot me tonight?

- Absolutely not.
Leave my home.

- Don't worry, Dickie,
I got you.

- Don't listen to him.
- Thank you, Karen.

- Hey.
Where'd everybody go?

- I don't know.

My hand is killing me.

- Yeah, you need to get
a tetanus shot.

- No way.
I pass out from needles.

- Well,
you die from tetanus.

So get the shot.

- No, you don't die
from tetanus.

- All right.

So you gonna give back
that crazy cat?

- No.
Dude, the cat is mint.

It's, like, the most

allergy-ridden cat
on the planet.

The fact that he's
a mean bastard is just a bonus.

As soon as Tanya sees him,
she's out the door.

- You're going through
a lot of trouble

to break up with this chick.

Why don't you just
tell her the truth?

- Paul, let me
tell you something.

People don't want
the truth, okay.

I prefer she see me
in a positive light

which allows me to keep
her number on speed dial.

- Rather than see you
in the shitty, negative light

that you actually live in.

- Exactly
- Okay.

- Dude, is that Jim Breuer?

- Yeah,
that is Jim Breuer.

And four other guys
hanging on my wife.

I'm not happy about all this
attention she's getting, man.

- I understand.
Makes you feel a little uglier?

Maybe less of a man?

- No, seriously, dude.

I don't want to constantly
be worrying about

guys checking out my wife.

I get home today--
Dickie and Sebalos

are at the house pretending
to look for a wallet.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Dude, coming home to those two
would be reason enough

to ask her to get
a de-largement.

- You can do that?
Undo it?

- I couldn't, no.

Appreciate fine art
too much.

But, yeah, an insecure
piece of shit like you can.

- Don't get me wrong, okay?
They're great.

But I got to
put an end to this.

- Godspeed, okay?

May the devil
curse your plans.

[all talking at once]

- Here's your drink,
babe.

- Oh, thanks,
I already have one.

You can just put it
right there.

- Oh, all right.

- Hey. Paul.
- Hey, Paul.

- Karen's husband
of many years.

We have a son.
She's on my health care.

- Ah, okay. Nice to
meet you, hammer. Jim.

- Paul plays on our team.

- Oh, really?
What position?

- Left wing.
14 goals last season.

League record.
Yeah.

- Wow, with these guys?

Men's League, Division 8?

- Yeah, I mean,
it's a higher-caliber

Division 8 than normal.

It's pretty atypical
when you think about it,

more like a 6 or 5.

- Paul, Paul, who cares?

Breuski was just telling us
about his latest film.

- Yeah, well--
- Wait, Breuski?

Is that what they call you?

- Yeah.
- You know they call me "Money."

- We absolutely do not.

- Not these guys--at work.
I'm in finance.

- He's an accountant.

- Oh, well, yeah,
he has the accountant face.

[all laughing]

- I'm not just
an accountant.

- No, he's an accountant
married to this.

- Oh, jeez, well, uh, hey,
here's to Karen.

I say we drink twice
for that.

- Isn't he funny?
- Yeah, he's hilarious.

You ready to get out of here
or what?

- Not really.
- Tits.

- Dude, we just got here.
What's your rush?

- I got to do P90X.

- Dude, I wanted to get that.
Does that work?

- I mean, look at him.
Does it look like it works?

- I call bullshit--there's
no way that Paul's cheap ass

spends 100 bucks on something
that's not hockey-related.

- Hey, um, why are you
being so weird?

- Who, me?
I'm not being weird.

- [echoing] Tits...
- Yes, you are.

- Tits, tits, titties, brah.

- [distorted voice]
Tits...

- Boy, it's just, phew...

Tits, tits.

- I'll be right back.

- He's one interesting
accountant.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, and that's why
I stopped taking birth control.

Oh, but I can't believe

that I'm not allergic
to cats anymore.

This is, like, the greatest
day of my life.

Maybe I should just
move in here and live

with you two forever, huh?

What do you think
about that?

[rock music playing
through headphones]

Honey, I'm talking to you.

- [wheezes] It's just
the tin-nit-us. It's awful.

- [giggles]
Tinnitus.

- It's tin-nit-us.

- It's tinnitus, dum-dum.

So what do you think?

- [wheezing]
Whatever you say, babe.

- Really?
That's so perfect.

My brother has a truck
so we can move everything

over this weekend.

How do you feel
about that, Steve?

We're a cute little family.

Give your son a kiss.

- [groans]

- Look.

I'm sorry about tonight,
wanting to leave early and all.

- No, I get it.

You're just jealous of guys
looking at my new boobs.

But you have nothing
to worry about.

- I'm not jealous.

You think I'm that insecure?

- I know you're
that insecure.

- You want to
know the truth?

I'm concerned.

- Oh, this I have to hear.

- I've been noticing the change
in your posture.

And I'm worried about
the negative repercussions

of having breast implants,

how your back could be
affected down the line.

- Uh-huh.

- I think that you
should consider

going back to what you had.

- Because of the back problems.
- Yeah.

And so people see you
for the beautiful, kind,

smart woman that you are.

- Instead of just
a nice pair of tits.

- I didn't say that.

You're putting words
in my mouth.

- Words that you're thinking.

- Is it so bad
that I want you

to age naturally
into your body?

I mean, how weird would it be
to have a 25-year-old

set of boobs on
a 75-year-old body?

- Wow, you've put
a lot of thought into this.

- Yes.

- I'm gonna tell you something
that'll make you feel better.

- Just let me finish, okay?

- Okay.

- You're right.

I'm jealous.
There, I said it.

I don't want men
loitering in our home,

staring 12 inches
below your eyes.

- I'm up here.

- As an incentive
for you to reconsider,

I'm willing
to offer you a bribe.

- A bribe?
- Mm-hmm.

I know it's petty,

but if you get
the reduction,

I will buy you those diamond
earrings down at Sylvio's.

- The full carat ones?
- Yeah.

- One carat in each ear?
- Yes, the full carat ones.

- Done.

I have something to tell you.
- Mm-hmm.

- But I don't want you
to get mad.

- Wait a minute, did Breuer
hit on you at the party?

- No.

But before I tell you
what I'm about to tell you,

you got to promise me,
we got a deal.

You cannot go back
on these earrings.

- Yeah, a deal's a deal, Karen.
- Cool.

My tits are temporary.

They are vacation breasts.

And they will dissolve
in less than two weeks.

- You're joking, right?

- No.

- I'm gonna kill you,
you know that?

- No. The saline
is dissolving as we speak.

- Okay, I got to go
motor-boating while I still can.

- What the hell is that?

- Just lift
your head up, babe.

[making motorboat sounds]

- I feel like this is
a weird sign, you know?

I sort of feel like
this would be a great

networking opportunity,
but if you're there,

I really feel like I need you
to be, like, supportive.

Like, I don't want you to be,
like, too up front,

but then I don't want you to be,
like, too far in the back.

Like, I sort of feel like
I need you to just, be, like,

right there with me, like.

God, I love our love.

You're my support system
and my rock,

and I'm so grateful for you.

[groaning]