All language subtitles for Benders.S01E02_English

I know. I know.
Sorry I'm late, boys.

It was the last day
of school,

so all the teachers
went out to celebrate.

But you're not a teacher.

For the record,
I am part of the administration

since I basically run
the IT department.

And none of those people have
figured out yet

that you don't know shit
about computers?

Ah, yes, white racists
too scared to question

technical wisdom
of Asian master!

[laughter]

Dude, what's with
those shorts, man?

What?
Oh, these?

They provide stability
to my core.

I got 'em from a girl I met
on Chunder.

Chunder?

It's chubby Tinder.
You ever heard of that?

You need to work on
filling up the pouch,

you gonna wear stuff
like that, all right?

Take a cue from Rosenberg.

Look at that man's beef
right there.

Blow me, all right?

So is this like
an all-gay hockey team?

I mean, it's cool
if it is.

I'll just change
somewhere else.

Do you play
a lot of hockey, man?

Yeah, not so much now.

I mean, I played
all through college.

Relax.
Tonight'll be a piece of cake.

[coughing]

You all right,
dude?

Yeah, yeah, I threw up
in my mouth a little.

Oh, my god.

But I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm a fighter.

All right.
A couple things, boys.

So Dickie has
generously offered

to pay for the new
team jerseys

once we pick a new team name.

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you, Jesus.
- Get some jerseys, baby.

Costing me,
like, 2 Gs.

It must be nice for you guys
to actually have friends

with a little bit
of money.

Guys, listen to me.
Okay?

I can't
stress this enough.

It is a huge,
huge game tonight.

If we win, we lock up
a play-off spot.

All right?
So that's big.

Now, we got Bryan Beale,
you're gonna be

subbing for us
on Dickie's line, all right?

I'm gonna be
real clear here.

A lot's riding on your
performance tonight--a lot.

- It's do or die tonight.
- All right.

I think what Anthony's
trying to say is, uh...

let's go out there,
play hard,

look for the open man,
and play tight D.

Really, Sebalos?

This is what
you're gonna do?

And, seriously,
what is with Bryan?

I mean, that guy is built
like a fishing pole.

He's Karen's cousin.

He's gonna be fine,
all right?

He is absolutely
your responsibility, okay?

Guys, let's do this tonight,
all right?

Come on.
Big game. Play-offs.

[Zeus' You Gotta Teller]

[upbeat rock music]

*

(man)
* You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

Yeah!

(man)
* You gotta tell her

*

* She's got to know

[skates scraping]

Whoo!

Man, I was
on my game tonight.

That was fantastic.

Oh, yeah?
Which part?

The part where
you went offside six times

or the part where you knocked
the puck in our own net?

All of it, man.
The whole thing.

- It's just what I needed.
- Hey, uh, Bry.

I thought you said you
played hockey in college.

(Bryan)
Oh, I did.

Right until I graduated.

What school
did you go to again?

University of Phoenix.

The online school?

I think they have a campus
somewhere, but I'm not sure.

Son of a bitch.

Be right back, boys.

I got to take a squirt.

What's up, man?
What's up?

Listen to me, we're going to
Maggie Mae's for some beers

and to pick out
a new team name.

Do me a favor.

Make sure AIDSy-the-dipshit
is not there.

He's dead to me.

So are your legs
made out of Nutella?

Because boy would I love
to spread them.

Wow.
What an amazing line!

Hold on.
Let me go wring my panties out.

What a tool.

I thought I told you
to lose him.

I tried; forgot he follows me
on Find My Friends.

Douche bag, bro.

Guy scores
on our own goal.

That cost us the whole game.

What are you talking about?
We lost 11-1.

That was the first goal.
Totally changed the momentum.

He doesn't stand
a chance with her

or her trashy tit tat.

You don't like the tit tat?

You ever take Silly Putty
and put it on a comic strip

and then stretch it out?

That's what a tit tat looks like
ten years down the road.

[laughter]
So wrong.

Tit tat.
Sounds like a candy.

Yo, anyway, so I heard
this sex expert on the radio,

Dr. Chang,
talking about tit tats.

All right.

This woman came in
with a tit tat, right?

Said she couldn't find anyone
to have sex with her.

And what did
Dr. Chang say?

Dr. Chang says,
"Take off awr yaw crows."

So she does.

Said, "Oh, you vewy
sewious pwobwem."

It's like, "Oh, what's wrong?"

It's like,
"You have Exacry Disease."

She says, "Exactly Disease?
What is that?"

Dr. Chang's like, "It's when yaw
face rook exacry rike yaw ass!"

[laughter]

I don't get it.

Shocking.

All right, boys,
let's talk about

a little team business
right now, huh?

Bryan, you're good.
You don't have to stay for this.

I'm fine, man.
I got nowhere to go.

How about home?

All right, we got to settle
on a new team name.

I'm paying for the jerseys.

If I have anything
to say about it,

the logo's got to have
a bullet on it

for sentimental reasons.

How about we call 'em
the Valkyries?

- Oh, dude.
- Boring.

How about
the New York Liberties?

Excuse me, could I get an

Uncle Chubby's brownie sundae,
please?

How about we call ourselves
the Flairs?

Our logo:
Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Whoo!

Sebalos, you're a grown man.

Learn the name
of one current wrestler

or shut up about wrestling.

Dude, that
is not cool, bro.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute here.

Uncle Chubby's!
That's the name.

Suddenly the Flairs
doesn't sound that bad.

Right?
Like whoo!

I'm serious.
It says something, right?

Yeah, that we're
a bunch of fat humps

who like the dessert
at Maggie Mae's.

- All right.
- Yeah.

[laughter]
Yeah. No.

So Dr. Chang's like,
"You have Exacry Disease."

And she's like,
"What's Exactly Disease?"

And Dr. Chang is like, "Yaw face
rook exacry rike yaw ass!"

It feels so much more racist
coming from an Asian.

I know.
That's why it's funny, man.

Let's go to bed.

Jimmy Fallon is reading
his thank-you notes tonight.

Thank you, Jimmy Fallon,
for destroying

any chance I have
for sex tonight.

The only thing
destroying your chance

is the stench
of your gear.

You know,
instead of complaining,

you should be thanking me

for letting your cousin
play tonight.

- Was it bad?
- I don't know.

Is it scoring
on your own net bad?

Did you know he graduated
from an online college?

You did know.

So you want my friends
to hate me.

You did
the right thing.

With his cancer and all,

you allowing him to play
let him

take his mind
off the inevitable.

Mm-hmm.

Let me repay you
for doing a good deed.

I think I deserve it,
you know?

I've sacrificed a lot today.

I feel like I deserve this.

What?

I think I smell
your hockey bag.

Do you smell it?

Nope.

- Sorry.
- What?

[cell phone ringing]

Paulie.

Hey, Ant, remember Bryan
from the other night?

Yeah, the idiot?

I already told you, bro,
he's dead to me.

He's dead to all of us.

He died this morning
from his cancer.

You let a guy with cancer
play for our team.

Are you crazy?

That's your response?

Well, was it brain cancer?

No. Throat.
Why?

It would explain why the guy
was such a moron.

Dude, I cannot believe
you didn't tell me about this.

The play-offs are
hanging in the balance.

The play-offs.

I promised Karen that I
wouldn't say anything, you know?

Listen, I'm not gonna tell you
how to live your life,

but you really gotta stop
taking orders from your wife.

That's why your son's
name is Declan.

Who are you to talk?

Your mother still
does your laundry.

We were just trying to take
his mind off his treatments.

Yeah, look what good
that did for us.

He's dead,
and we lost.

This was about him, not us.

God, the guy
was in the dumps.

He got cancer,

and then his wife
left him because of it.

All right,
I met the guy one time,

and I guarantee you this.

His wife leaving him:
less to do with the cancer;

everything to do
with the fact that

the guy was just
a huge douche.

Well, regardless, I can't
play in Tuesday's game.

What?

What do you mean you
can't make Tuesday's game.

Look, Karen's really
broken up about this,

and I need to be there to,
like, comfort her, you know?

No, I don't know.

I don't know shit, bro.
Okay?

As far as I'm concerned,
this is all your fault.

Us losing, cancer boy
dicking up our schedule.

You're our best scorer.

Christ, you're
our only scorer.

And you missing
Tuesday night's game

ain't gonna
bring Bryan back.

And even if it did, even more
of a reason to make the game.

Thank you.
I gotta go.

My buddy just got here
with my bacon ranch sub.

Thanks, brother.
Thank you.

Mmm!

So Anthony says that they
couldn't get a sub for me.

I'm kind of leaving the guys
high and dry.

Hello?

Hey.

I need you to watch Declan
in the morning.

- Tomorrow?
- Yeah.

I made an appointment
with the acupuncturist.

I need something
to calm me down.

I'd say so.

I'm having a hard time
dealing with this.

Everybody says HPV has such
a high rate of recovery,

I don't
understand it.

Hold on.
I thought he had throat cancer.

Yeah, but he got it
from the HPV virus.

You mean the
pussy-eating cancer

Michael Douglas
was complaining about?

- His ex had it.
- Ew.

How did she get it?

It's really common.

Most people have it
and don't even know it.

We could have it.

Oh, my God!

This whole time, I thought
Catherine Zeta Jones

had a dirty pussy
'cause she's Welsh.

Maybe you should go
and play hockey tonight.

You sure you'd be
okay with that?

I'll live.

Just don't drink too much,

'cause you snore
when you drink.

I'm gonna have one,
and then that's it.

[cheers and applause]

All right, fellas.

This one's going out
to our savior,

the guy who scored
the game-winning goal

and returned us
to the play-offs,

Paul 'the elephant' Rosenberg!

[all cheer]

Actually, hold on.
Hold on.

To Bryan Beale,
may he rest in peace.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Yo, I never knew anybody
who died from macking on pussy.

But there's got to be
worse ways to go.

[Rajon laughing]

Congratulations, fellas,

on finally making it
to the play-offs, guys.

- Oh, thanks.
- Thank you, Rajon.

Too bad there's not
gonna be a game

if you don't get
those league fees in.

Uh, we're already
paid up.

Not your boy Sebalos.

He's 150 short.

Dude.

Please pay ASAP.

It is going to be a pleasure

to personally send you guys
packing on Friday.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
The game is this Friday?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I can't play Friday.

We got to
reschedule it.

No can do.

I'm going to
the Delaware Water Gap

to go white water rafting
first thing Saturday morning.

How many white hobbies
do you have?

I bet you have
a frisbee, don't you?

And a hackey sack.

Yo, uncomfortable
racist jokes aside,

seriously,
I can't play this Friday.

My cousin's wake
is happening.

We got to reschedule.

I don't care
if it's Bobby Orr's wake.

Now, P.K. Subban's wake
would be another story.

What?

The game isn't moving.

[scoffs]

Man, what a dick.

[sighs]

I can't miss this wake.

Maybe you should
reschedule it.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Nobody wants to go to a wake
on a Friday.

It's a Monday, Tuesday
night activity.

I don't know, guys.

Well, look.
Here's what you do.

Go home, sleep on it.

In the morning,
you'll make the right decision,

play in the game.

- [groans]
- [coughs]

Hey.

I need you to email these people
the info for Bryan's wake.

And can you call Aunt Martha
before she leaves today

to make sure we have everyone
who needs to be notified.

Why don't we just
push the wake back like a day,

just give her some time,
you know?

So you can play hockey
on Friday.

[scoffs]
No. What do--

Anthony left a message
that said,

"Don't be a pussy,
and get the wake changed."

I'm not a pussy.

I'm trying to be
sympathetic to your loss.

Do you think I care
when the wake is?

If you want to change it,
change it.

Just make sure whenever it is,
you're at my side.

And that reminds me,

Can you call O'Donnegan's
and tell them

that the small room
will be okay?

I guess it turns out
that Bryan

didn't really
have many friends.

Surprising for a guy
who ate pussy like he did.

- Hey, maybe...
- Mm-hmm.

You could get the guys
from the hockey team to come.

Absolutely not.

Just send the emails.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Bye.

Will do.

Oh, my God.
That feels so good.

You don't how bad
I needed this.

Yes, vewy good.

Acupuncture heal body
and mind.

And soul.

Exacry.

[laughs]

- I pinch you?
- No.

- Sorry.
- No, no, no, you're fine.

I was just thinking about a joke
that my husband told me.

Oh, I love joke.

You husband
a funny man?

Oh, no, not at all.

His friend is, though.

Pwease.
I hear joke.

Oh, I don't know.

I think this one
might be kind of offensive.

No problem.

My kids telling dirty joke
all time.

Tell me.

All right, so there's this woman

and she can't find anybody
to have sex with her,

so she goes to see this world
renowned sex expert, Dr. Chang.

[laughing]
Dr. Chang.

He Chinese.
Funny.

So, uh, anyway, she tells him

all about her problem,

and he says...

"Okay, you take off
awr yaw crows."

And...

Is it--
Are you okay?

Vewy funny joke.

- What's--
- I finish needles now.

Oh, no, that wasn't
the end of the joke, though.

So--ow!

Oh, sorry.

[gasps]

Ow.

You want me to lose money
so you guys can play hockey?

It's actually
a pretty important game.

It's the play-offs.

Congratulations;
I don't really give a shit.

Look, Mr. O'Donnegan,
we really just--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's Gentile.

Vito Gentile.

Oh, well, maybe we should
just speak to the owner then.

Well, he went missing
about a month ago.

Behind on his bills.

Probably a suicide.

This is my place now.

Well, I love what
you did with the place.

I mean, just a real improvement
all around.

Is this a Berber?

I'm gonna be honest with you
right now, okay?

We need this guy
to play Friday night.

So if we can't
get this wake moved,

he's gonna have to
miss the game

and stand by his family.

I mean, look, he's a man
of morals, after all.

- So--
- I can tell.

So then what do ya say?

5,000.

5,000 what?

5 grand.

That's what it's gonna cost me

to make some things happen
so we can move things.

I'm sure men of...
such high morals

can understand
my predicament.

We don't have
5 grand, sir.

You can't imagine
how expensive

private Pre-K is
in Manhattan.

- It's absurd.
- Then we don't have a deal.

I'll tell you what.

Is that your
construction van outside?

Yeah.

5% of everything
your company brings in

for the next three months.

What, you mean
to reschedule a wake?

To reschedule the wake,
plus I'll provide protection.

Like, protection
from what?

Me.

I don't mean to offend,
Mr. Gentile,

but, um, this kind of
sounds like extortion.

You know, it's
simple economics, son.

I got to eat.

And the craftsmen
who design the silk

for my coffins,
they got to eat.

It's the cycle of life.

So when I hear terrible,
hurtful words like "extortion,"

it makes me worry about
terrible, hurtful accidents

to one's kneecaps
and balls.

That also can be
part of the cycle.

I mean,
5% it is, then.

And I want my logo
on every jersey.

Yeah.
No problem.

And I'm a 3XL.

I'd like one.

What's up?

Hey, we got the thing
changed till Thursday.

That's okay with you,
right?

Congratulations.
I'm so relieved.

I've got bigger problems.

No, no, no, no, no.
Today's a great day.

No, it's not.

Chau dropped me as a client
today after five years.

She dropped you, why?

She said the exacry joke
was racist.

You told her that joke?

Did--please tell me
you told her

that an Asian guy
told it us.

Yeah.
She didn't care.

Oh, my God.

I knew I shouldn't
have told her.

I knew it was
a tinge racist.

A tinge?

Yeah, like there's degrees
of racism, you know?

And I thought this fell
in the acceptable range.

Oh, my God.
I feel awful.

It's okay.
Come here.

I know exacry
how you feel.

He looks great,
Aunt Martha.

They did a really good
job on him.

Yeah.
He looks better than ever.

So at peace.

Do you believe
the balls on these people?

Won't take a credit card?

What's the
difference?

I'm only 4,000 miles
away from a trip to Aruba.

(Randy)
Bryan was a real douche,
ya know?

Hey, Dickie,
I'm talking to you.

Put the phone away.

Look.
Check this out.

I just got a match notification
from this girl on Chunder.

She's at the Fro Yo place
next door.

- Check her out, man.
- Wow.

She's really face-[bleep]
that waffle cone.

You're crazy.
Give me that.

(both)
Oh!

So classy.

Clean up the coffee, man.

I got to clean this up?

Oh, dude.
What the--

Forget it.
Come.

Okay.

I need you to make these
changes to the jerseys.

What?

Here.

I'm supposed to pick them up
tomorrow, though.

Which is why
I need you to do it now.

Yeah, but is it gonna
look strange?

Dickie, do not make me
pull rank here

or else your ass is gonna be
plastered to the bench tomorrow.

I'm asking for one thing.
Make it happen, okay?

Fine.
I will see what I can do.

Oh, my God.

Bryan's ex Nikki is here.

She looks so healthy.

That's the ex?

Yeah, little Welsh sewer
in the flesh.

[sighs]

- Boys.
- Yeah.

That's Bryan's ex.

- What? No.
- Shut up.

How the hell
did he pull that?

Ah, she's diseased.
That lowers the bar a little.

You know what?

She's not really my type,
to be honest.

Why, 'cause she walks
upright?

Bro, I would
do her upright,

on all fours,
you name it.

Cancer and all.

God.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm very sorry
for your loss.

My name's Anthony Pucello.

I'm Nikki Beale.

I know exactly
who you are,

and I don't care.

Gentlemen!

Ha-ha.
Okay, then.

Hot off the presses.

There you go.
There you go.

There you go.
There you go.

There you go.

Why is the funeral parlor logo
on our jerseys?

Uh...

Dude, is this a penis?

Holy shit.
It's a giant cock.

No, it's a bullet,
you idiots.

- That's not a bullet.
- Oh, my God.

- Look at it. It's a bullet.
- It's a dick.

Nice jersey, Shitski!

Oops.
[laughter]

Oops.

[Rajon laughing]

(Vito)
Oh!

You two idiots,
get over here, now!

Come on.

What's wrong with you?
Hey.

What the hell's with the dildo
on the front of this thing?

I'm told it's
an angry bullet.

Oh, it's an angry bullet.

I have an angry bullet with your
name on it if you embarrass me.

I moved coffins around to
make room for a trophy case.

Um, we can help you
move them back.

- It's not a problem, sir.
- What?

What did you just say to me?

Nothing.

You think this is funny?

Huh?
I'm a clown?

I amuse you?

No, sir.

Anthony here was trying
to be helpful, right, Ant?

Oh, I don't
need your help.

You better not screw this up,
the both of you.

You skate
like an old broad.

[horn honks]

Was he just
doing Goodfellas?

That was Goodfellas,
right?

That's your favorite movie,
isn't it?

[indistinct shouting]

(Anthony)
All right, fellas.

Listen up.

Everyone get in.
All right.

This is it.
Time to dig deep.

All right?
We're gonna play like champions.

To be known as champions.

You all seen Rocky?

So you know what it is to
be thought of as a champion.

Isn't Rocky known
more as an underdog?

No, when you think of Rocky,
you think of a champion.

- I don't.
- Yeah, me either.

Everybody he faced
was favored to beat him.

Yeah, and he gets his ass kicked
in the first movie.

All right,
everyone just shut up, okay?

The road to being a champion
starts right here.

Now, if we stick together,

it's a road paved with gold.

So like a--sort of like
a Wizard of Oz kind of deal?

No, dude, that road
was yellow.

Yeah, that was--
it was a brick road.

Just screw it.

Chubby's on three.

One, two, three!

(all)
Chubby's!

[upbeat music]

- * All my lovin'
- * All my lovin'

- * In the world
- * In the world

- * All my lovin'
- * All my lovin'

- * In the world
- * In the world

- * All my lovin'
- * All my lovin'

[cheers and applause]

[sticks banging rhythmically]

[tape whirring]

- * In the world
- * In the world

(man)
* Just lay your burden
down on me *

*

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[screaming]

That's what I'm talking about.

- Oh!
- Nice job.

Rock and roll, bro.

- * All my lovin'
- * All my lovin'

- * In the world
- * In the world

- * All my lovin'
- * All my lovin'

- * In the world
- * In the world

- * All my lovin'
- * All my lovin'

- * In the world
- * In the world

- * All my lovin'
- * All my lovin'

- How tall are you?
- 5'10".

That's taller than me.

Yeah.

You paint your toes?

Why do you want to know that?

Just 'cause I dated a girl
who painted her toes blue,

and I would always say to her,
"But I prefer red."

And she would go,
"But I prefer blue."

And then she went on
to stick 'em in my mouth.

Wow.
That's gross.

5'10".

I think there should be
a height differential

between a man and a woman.

- Why?
- I don't know.

I just kind of like looking up,
you know?

(man)
* Just lay your burden
down on me *