All language subtitles for Grumpy.Old.Men.1993.iNTERNAL.DVDRip.XviD-DnB

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Mr. Gustafson,
I have to talk to you.

Mr. Gustafson, will you answer
the door, please?

I know you're in there.

It's no use pretending
this isn't happening, Mr. Gustafson.

I can't keep coming back here
every couple of days.

You have to talk to me.

Mr. Gustafson,
I'm just trying to help you.

Come on, answer the door.

I'm just gonna keep knocking.

I'll come back, so you might
as well answer the door.

We know you're in there.

Think of the neighbors, Mr. Gustafson.

There's a letter for you, Mr. Gustafson.

I suggest you read it.

-Morning, dickhead.
-Hello, moron.

What are you....

Never mind.
Just forget it.

-Who's the guy yakking at your door?
-Mind your own business.

"Mind your own business."

Tie your shoelace.
You'll fall on your stupid head.

Shut up.

We're having a heat wave.

We're having a heat wave
A tropical heat wave

Somebody moving
into the old Clickner place.

-You picked up on that, Sherlock.
-Excuse me.

I wonder if you could tell me...

where I could find Mr. Gustafson?

Gustafson?
No, sorry.

-Mr. John Gustafson?
-That's right.

You mean the lowlife, asswipe,
eggsucker John Gustafson?

Have you seen him?

That man's crazy.
Loco.

Always hanging out around
those kinky strip bars...

where men take their clothes off.

That's, of course,
if he's taken his medication.

Medication?

Without it, he could be anywhere.
Wandering around talking to the trees.

Believe me, this man is a menace.
Always drinking, starting fights.

Isn't that right?

-But have you seen him?
-No, sorry.

I think, perhaps...

no.

If you see him...

would you give him this
and tell him he must contact...

Mr. Snyder as soon as possible.

That's me.
It's important.

Important? Yes, sir.
We'll tell him when we see him.

Look out!

Watch out for that ice.

Very slippery.

Right.

Holy moly.

Jesus.

A men's strip joint?

Idiot.

Thirty days.

That's just great.

...this Remington MicroScreen
Rechargeable Shaver so much...

I bought the company.

It shaves as close as a blade,
or I'll give you your money back.

The first microscreen is so thin
it sha ves incredibly close.

The second even closer.
Remington 's American--

You should ha ve seen Mrs. Carlson 's face
when he said "It's a keeper. "

Oh, cold enough for you?

Shut up, fat-ass.

It's not even Thanksgiving, and we're
enjoying our lovely fall weather.

Six inches of snow
on the ground already...

with tra veler's advisories
in effect throughout our area tonight...

you'd be advised to stay inside
and ha ve yourself...

a warm, home-cooked meal.

Here's what's coming up this week.

It's snow, snow, and more snow.

We've got snow coming into
our area all week long.

Come Sunday afternoon,
another cold front....

What the hell!

Holy moly.

Oh, my God.

You're still using
that beat-up piece of firewood?

The Green Hornet's caught more fish
than you've lied about, Gustafson.

You see her?

Drives pretty fast on that snowmobile.

Pretty damn fast.

Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?

Hypothermia's a bitch.

Not quick like a stroke.

A stroke is no damn good.
You could end up like a vegetable.

Give me a cardiac any day.

You know what Jacob said?

Jacob said that old Billy Hinshel
was killed in a car crash.

Head-on collision with a freight truck.

Cleared his car straight over the bridge
into the Mississippi.

Lucky bastard.

You bet.

How is he anyway?

He's dead.
Died on impact.

Jacob, moron. Jacob.

Oh, he's fine.

Doing real good.
Real busy and everything.

He promised to come over
for Thanksgiving.

Is he really running for Mayor?

-Make a damn fine mayor, too.
-It's a good thing he's his mother's son.

If he looked like you,
he'd never get on the ballot.

Eat my shorts.

-Morning, Mrs. Truax.
-Morning, how are you doing?

Holy moly.

-Watch your step there, ma'am.
-Thank you.

Jesus Quincy Adams.

I hit the cans again.

I heard.

How is the Grinch today?

Ain't got a pot to piss in
or a window to throw it out of.

Can I get you something?

A six-pack of Schmidt and some bait.

-Shiners or wax worms?
-I can't afford shiners, give me the worms.

The worms are 75 cents.

75 cents? Crime in ltaly. Chuck,
we're talking about worms not caviar.

You go through that every time.

Where are you going to get worms this
time of year? It's supply and demand.

You could retire in Florida
just from selling me worms.

Throw the beef jerky in, too.

That's $5 for the beer and the worms.

Your old gut can't handle jerky.

Goddamn.

Is Pop out there at the shanty?

Always.

And the moron?

There's lots of ice out there, Gustafson.

Should be room enough
for the both of you.

"Lots of ice out there, Gustafson."

Hi, Dad.

Any luck today?

How the hell should I know?
I just got here.

Mel, she came by the other day...

and said you'd been snapping.

Like a catfish.

I've had a lot on my mind lately.

I'll tell what's on my mind.

It's butt-cold out here
and I'm fresh out of beer.

Someone moved into the Clickner place.
A woman.

A woman?

-Did you mount her?
-Oh, Dad.

Does she have big thighs?

Then what's the problem?

If I was a young fellow like you,
I'd be mounting...

every woman in Wabasha.

Keep the change.

Hi, Punky.

Hi, John.

The Green Hornet strikes again.

Caught my limit.

You only snagged one.

Two fish are on there,
you bonehead.

I throw back what
I'm not going to eat.

Yeah, like that 40-pound muskie
you're always yakking about.

It's a shame nobody ever sees you
with these monsters.

You're gonna love it, Goldman.

Go to work, baby.

What is it?

Oh, my God, they've come for me.

Oh, my God. I....

You see, I was....

I hope you don't mind,
but I saw your light on...

and I was wondering
if I might use your bathroom.

What?

-Your toilet is broken?
-No, thank goodness.

I don't know, the house seemed so empty
tonight. I do so love bathrooms.

Did you know you can tell a lot
about a person from his bathroom?

I didn't know that.

There it is.
I can't wait to see what I find in there.

Much better than having your palm read.

Give me 30 seconds
in a person's bathroom...

and I'll give you a complete
and accurate profile.

-There's a guest bathroom, please.
-I'll only be a minute.

So?

Fascinating.

Don't you think it's time
you finally introduced yourself?

John Gustafson, right?

I took some of your mail yesterday
to find out who you were.

But you don't get much and
what you do get doesn't paint a picture.

-Taking mail is a federal offense.
-I know.

Sometimes you must go a long distance
out of the way...

in order to return
a short distance correctly.

Don't you find that, too? I love that line.

I have to confess it's not mine.
It's from The Zoo Story by Edward Albee.

I teach American literature
at Winona State University.

I started yesterday.
I love the classics, don't you?

-Well, I also read Field & Stream.
-lndeed?

You have a whole library
up there from what I could see.

There's something really rugged
and virile about the outdoors.

My manners.
I'm sorry.

I'm Ariel Truax.

How do you do?
I'm John Gustafson.

Yes, I know.

When did you
move into the Clickner place?

I'm sure you know that.

Since I got here, you and Max Goldman...

have been stuck up against your windows
watching me like two Garfield cats.

Like the kind
people stick to their car windows.

The little suction cups they have....

Squirrels.

Been watching squirrels. One's been
making a nest under your eaves.

Sure, John.

Here's your mail.

There's nothing addressed
to a Mrs. Gustafson.

By the state of your bathroom,
I presume you're a bachelor.

Gay or straight?

Heterosexual or homosexual?

Jeez Louise....

It's a perfectly legitimate question.

Maybe in California
but here in Minnesota....

Have I upset you?

It's the middle of the night
and I don't know what....

Do you want me to leave?

No. Yes.

It was very nice meeting you,
John Gustafson.

And now that we know each other,
don't be a stranger, neighbor.

Oh, and John...

king's rook to queen's bishop three.

Don't ring that up yet.

I need something for my lumbago.
The pain is killing me.

It's killing you, my ass. He doesn't
know the meaning of the word pain.

I got a pinched sciatica that makes
your lumbago look like eye strain.

Pain. He wants to talk about pain.

I had a gallstone the size of a baseball.

Gallstones are for pussies.

When I had shingles
did you see me complain to Phil?

-Did you?
-Shingles schmingles.

When I had my ulcers, I was...

farting razor blades.

Good morning, John.

You must be Max Goldman.

Hi, I'm Ariel Truax, your new neighbor.

Pleasure.

Isn't it a peach of a day?

Listen, I have something for you.

It was dropped off
at my house by accident.

Some of your mail.

Here you are. Sorry.

Have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet?

They arrived this morning.

Special delivery from California.

Wonderful.

Yes, there's nothing like the scent of...

fresh tea tree...

just soaking into your pores.

Don't you agree?

Lovely.

Thank you.
It was such a pleasure meeting you...

and I'm sure we're going to see
a lot of one another.

Goodbye, gentlemen. Goodbye, John.

Holy moly.

Now wait. You got all
four wheels on the track?

All right. Careful, fellas.

Be careful. That's over 100 years old.
Damn thing might collapse.

-Hi, sweetheart. How are you?
-Hi, Dad.

-There's Granddaddy's little girl.
-What's going on?

-I'm getting rid of that. It's just firewood.
-Why?

I don't know. I don't play it much.
It sits around collecting dust.

You love that piano.

Granddaddy's got a surprise
for you in the house, pumpkin.

Just a little C-A-N-D-Y.
It's not going to kill her.

Which one?

Which hand? This one?

That's the one.

There you are, sweet pea.

-How about that? Here.
-Dad.

-ls there something wrong?
-No. Nothing's wrong at all.

With me....

-People are asking about you.
-I know.

Yeah, I keep telling them
that you and Mike are doing just fine.

It's just a lot of gum-flapping.

-Mike and I aren't fine.
-That's what I thought.

We're gonna separate for a while.

Honey, marriage isn't easy.
You got to work at it.

It's hard to work at it
when he's never there.

Sounds familiar. Mother wondered
where I was for 20 years.

You really think I wanted two jobs?
I didn't do that for me.

I was doing it for you, Brian, your mother.

Dad, this isn't about you.
It's about me and Mike.

I'm sorry. I keep....

I'm sorry. I love you so much.

Well, whatever you and Mike decide is....

I never liked him anyway.

Who is that?

I don't know.

She seems to know you.

-Does she always do that?
-I don't know.

This is great.

We hope you enjoyed
our feature presentation.

Now stay tuned for tonight's $6.4 million...

jackpot on Powerball.

Followed by local news.

Out of the way.

Come on, baby. I've got to win $1 million.

Who's that?

Jacob, you got my vote.
That's terrific.

Come on in. Have a little TV dinner.
Lasagna's heating up now.

No time. I just dropped by to give you
this placard for the yard.

I have to deliver a lot.

Just have one drink.

I can't. Sorry. I'll call you.

No, close the door. Come in.

Wait a minute. Give me a minute.

I'll be with you in a second. I have to do
something here that's very important.

$6.4 million is our estimated jackpot.

You could be our next millionaire.

To win the jackpot, correctly match
five white balls and the red powerball.

Our first number is a--

What's going on?

Seven.

Number four. Remember, to win
the jackpot, match 5 white balls...

and the red powerball.

Come on.

Schmuck doesn't know what's happening.

...a 25.

There's just one more white ball
and here it is--

Jesus Christ.

Goldman.

Goldman. It's Goldman.

You're a child.

Don't tell me.
It isn't me.

It never is.

I'm sure John started every fight
since 1940.

Thirty eight.

It's ridiculous.

Come over here and apologize.

-Come here.
-I'm not apologizing to anybody.

You're letting the cold air in.

Take that, you criminal.

I don't believe it.
That old trick?

This is between me and your father.
There's no need for you to get involved.

I don't say anything on one condition.

Put one of these in your yard.

I'd be proud to.

Hey, not one word
to your old man, remember?

Have fun, Johnny.

Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?

Enjoy your shower, smartass?

Got to use hot water, you schmuck.

You'll never get me.

See you later.

Up yours, Gustafson.

What the hell is that smell?

Watch it, bonehead.

Mrs. Cusack over at the store
said she came in yesterday...

to buy some candles and incense.

Ask me, she's probably a member
of one of them religious cults.

-You say she's all alone?
-What I heard.

She's available and hot to trot.

-Moron.
-Putz.

Max was telling me
about your new neighbor.

What?

My new neighbor? Oh, yes, new neighbor.
She came over to see me last night.

What?

About 1 :30 in the morning.

Why would a woman come over
at 1 :30 to see you?

Why do you think?
I'll have a six-pack.

Women and fish...

you can never
catch either one of them, Gustafson.

I've laid more pipe in this town
than Wabasha Plumbing.

You're going to go after her?

Oh, jeez. God no. She's too....
She's too disturbed for me.

-For you maybe.
-I won't have anything to do with her.

Women fall too hard for me.

They get obsessed with me.

It's like one of them
Fatal Attraction things...

that they show on
The Donahue Show, you know.

You guys
are the biggest damn bullshitters...

in this entire frozen nation.

You're just plain chicken...

both of you, if you ask me.

A beautiful woman just sitting there...

20 feet from your front yards...

and you're trying to tell me
you'd rather park your wrinkly butts...

on a frozen piece of ice
kissing up to buckets of fish bait.

Gee, listen to Casanova.

Yeah, he's a regular Don Juan.

No wonder the ladies "Don Juan"
anything to do with you.

-That's it.
-That did it. Bye.

I'm out.

Hey, Max, say hello to Jake for me.

Why don't you come over
and have some turkey with us?

There's always plenty of bird
with just Jacob and me.

That way you can spend next week
in bed with ptomaine.

Come over to my place,
Melanie cooks up a feast.

Thanks. But you know those old boys
at the VFW...

expect me every Thanksgiving.

Forget it. See you, Chuck.

-Moron.
-Putz.

Tell me something.

-Do I stink?
-Yeah.

Not you, smartass.
Didn't ask you.

I could smell it in the car.
This stink.

Is it me?

Yep.

Damn.

What the hell is that?

For Christ's sake.

Gustafson.

You schmuck.

Damn disgrace
the way they coach that team.

Stay there.

Stay there, you little bastard.

It's the Green Hornet.

-How are you, Punky?
-Hey, buttercup.

Give me two packs of Camels...

and a cup of your special coffee,
you love muffin.

You should smoke filter cigarettes.

Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old.
What the hell do I care?

Thank you, dear.

Max is here.

Come on, love muffin.

Thanks.

-You were always there to save me.
-Yeah, right.

When Billy Gerber locked me
in the tree house...

you were my knight in shining armor.

And I got a black eye for my effort.

-Let me get that.
-There you go.

I always knew, you know.

Knew what?

That you had a crush on me
since 6th grade.

You watched me
with your dad's binoculars.

What? No.

You never wondered why my curtains
were open just enough?

I thought I was lucky.

I just did it to torture you.

Well, you succeeded wonderfully.

How come you never asked me out?

Hey, Mel. Hi, Jakie.

Mel, is the turkey
supposed to be smoking?

I better run.
See you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

-How are you?
-Good.

They're getting a divorce.

Mel and Mike are divorcing.
They call it a separation, but it's divorce.

I'm sorry to hear that.

-So, are you seeing anyone special?
-Me?

-No, I guess not. Nobody serious.
-What do you know?

We got a new neighbor, did you hear?

Everyone in town
is talking about this woman.

She hasn't been out since 1 1 :20.

-What are you doing? Clocking her?
-She keeps odd hours.

Very interesting woman.

Sounds like a wacko to me.

I haven't had sex for 15 years.

Could I have some?

-Oh, my....
-Too much, Dad?

That was plenty.

Give Jakie some leftovers to take home.

He'll have his own leftovers.

That pre-cooked stuff his old man gets?
That tastes like cardboard.

Why don't you go and talk to her?

Talk to who?

You spent half the meal
staring out the window.

Squirrels.

The squirrels on her roof.
That's what I was staring at.

You're a handsome guy with a nice house,
a good pension. You got a lot to offer.

Well, I got something to offer her.

I got zip to offer her.

I can't tell if this is done.

Do you know how many minutes
this needs to cook?

Getting hungry.

Sure be nice to have some turkey
right about now.

Remember the turkey
your mother used to make?

-Oh, yeah.
-Damn, she was a good cook.

-You remember the stuffing?
-The best.

How about those potato latkes?

I thought you said
Chuck was going to VFW.

-He is.
-I don't think so.

What are you talking about?

Looks like he's making a house call.

What?

What in the....

Hell is he doing there?

-He's going to do it.
-So?

What?

What is he doing in that crazy....

-Son of a....
-Jealous?

He's in.

Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye
to the optometrist.

Oh, Jeez, Dad.
What?

Chuck, where are you?

Hello, fellas.

-Some game last night.
-Double overtime.

-Blackhawks were killers, weren't they?
-Did you catch the game?

No.

Sure, you were with the guys at the VFW.

How was the turkey at the VFW
this year, Chucky?

The turkey this year...

was delicious.

-Come on.
-We saw you.

-You were there half the night.
-What'd you do?

-What's it like in there?
-What'd she say?

Fellas.

Some experiences in life are too rich...

and too beautiful to put into words.

What does that mean exactly?

Could have been either of you
if you just had the guts to ask.

-You and she?
-I'm not talking about sex, dummies.

-No?
-Of course not.

I get it.

Your old pal failed you, Chuck?

Couldn't rise to the occasion?

-Yes, the spirit was willing....
-But the flesh was....

Weak.

Okay, if it wasn't sex what was it?

It was an awakening.

Ariel reminded me that I was alive.

That I was a man full of energy,
love, and passion.

It was like being young again.

If only for a moment.

Couldn't get it up, huh?

Get out of here, both of you.

Yeah, I'll see you.

-So long.
-Hey, boys.

That's not just a woman
living across your street.

She's an angel.

Angel, right.
Take it easy.

See you.

Holy moly.

Look at all the crap you....
Excuse me. The stuff you got here.

-Well, it's my inspiration.
-You're an artist?

I try.

I used to teach courses
in Expressionism at Berkeley.

But now I'm back to
the classics of literature.

Berkeley, that explains it.

Oh, my God.

What?

Your TV.
It's got no guts.

I took them out.

How could you do that
to a '54 Super Zenith?

This TV is a classic.

I can fix it for you if you wanted me to.

That's what I used to do.
I was a TV repairman.

That's so sweet, Max, but...

I think it works quite well...

just the way it is.

How the hell does she see any shows?

Holy moly.

I see you've met Ernest.

-Who?
-The model was my husband.

He sure wasn't pleased about
modeling in the nude.

Took quite a bit of prompting, I must say.

He's....

Passed on.

Five years ago.

Would you like some coffee?

Cream and sugar?

Sure moved around a lot
the last few years, didn't you?

Yes, I think it's exciting
to experience new things...

new places, and meet new people.

Like you.

Do you paint?

Paint? Me?
Sure do.

I paint the shed every spring.

-You get it?
-I get it.

I mean, you know...

pictures, paintings.

What for?

Everyone needs some form of...

release.

I fish.

Fish?

Yeah, fish.
I can see the beauty in that.

Yeah?

Miss Truax...

would you honor me by accompanying me
to my ice shanty tomorrow?

I'd be honored.

-See you tomorrow.
-Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Be careful.

We're having a heat wave
A tropical heat wave

We're having a heat wave

-I can't hold it.
-Reel him in.

-I can't hold him, Max.
-Work him.

-I am trying. I can't hold it.
-Reel it in.

-I'm trying but I can't.
-Okay, give me the pole.

Hold on. Not on your life.

Pull it. You got to pull it.
No, don't pull too hard. That's it.

Morning, John.

Morning, Punky.

-I almost lost him.
-Max, he's just magnificent.

He's a record breaker.
You've got a 3-footer.

I can see the beauty in this now.

-Can you see it?
-Yes, the lure. No, the fight.

-Wait till I show the guys.
-The catch.

-What a catch.
-And then the release.

-What? There's no release.
-Yes, it's beautiful.

No, what's beautiful is this monster
on my wall stuffed.

There can be no stuffing.
This is a live creature.

Full of courage and life.

Nobody will believe me.
Let me get a camera.

-I hear the water calling it back.
-Where is it?

-Here we go.
-Wait.

-Calling.
-Here. Hold it.

Hey, Pop.

Hey. Just finishing breakfast.

So I see.

Colder than a witch's titty out there.

Where did you get this fishing pole?

I snagged it about an hour ago.

The only damn thing I caught all day.

Chuck, guess what Pop found.

You forgot to unlock
the back door, you dummy.

Isn't it wonderful to have
a little adventure every day?

You're one hell of a fisherman, Ariel.

I learned from the best.

Hope you weren't mad at me
for putting them back.

That's okay.
Gustafson does the same thing.

He just keeps the ones he eats.
That's what he says.

I think he never catches them.

I think we're going to be great friends.

Friends is good.
That's good, isn't it?

How about some supper tonight?
After your class, I mean.

Thank you so much, but I already
have made plans. I'm sorry.

-I'll take a rain check.
-That's a deal.

Until we meet again, my dear Ariel.

Goodbye.

Watch out.
Don't slip.

Well, Gustafson,
looks like the best man won.

You always were a lousy loser.

He's dead.

-What? Who?
-Chuck.

Chuck? How?

Last night in his sleep.

In his sleep.

Lucky bastard.

You might have known
if you hadn't been out with that minx.

Hey, it ain't my fault.
Chuck was my friend, too.

You call yourself a friend,
you bastard.

Watch your mouth, you dumb Swede.

Don't tell me what to do.

Big man with the axe in your hand.

Axe? You want to clock me?
You think you can take me? Come on.

All right. 1937, at Todd Field...

I kicked your ass after football practice
when you stole my liniment.

-I kicked your ass and I can do it again.
-Bullshit.

Give it your best shot, shrimp.

It's not worth it.

Get out of there.

Damn.

He has the intelligence
quotient of a newt.

Shrimp thinks he can get funny
with me.

Left hook...

right cross...

and dump him.

I'm going to kill him.

God damn you, Goldman, you....

I'm Elliot Snyder
of the lnternal Revenue Service.

I'm asking you
to accompany me to my office.

I was wondering where you were.

I had a little business.

I hope it went all right.

-What are you doing?
-Cooking.

Wait, I can't have anything spicy.

If it's too exciting,
I'm up all night.

Good.
I'm making Szechwan.

From the moment I saw you, I could feel
that we had the same kind of aura.

-That we share something special.
-Teaching.

39 years I taught American History
at Wabasha High.

History, it's so romantic.

Great dental plan.

The ideas you brought to
those young minds.

Kids think they know it all, right?

Once in a while you reach one.
You touch them somehow.

-I did that once.
-Really?

It was my RooseveIt's New Deal lecture.

I touched a kid on the back of his head
while he was snoring.

You're so bad.

You know...

Chuck, he....

I know.

We can be thankful that
we had the privilege of knowing him...

while he was here.

To Chuck.

Yes, to Chuck.

Thank you, John.
It was a wonderful evening.

Thank you, Ariel.

Pop, you think I should I call her?

-What?
-The woman.

Well, let me tell you something, John.

The first 90 years or so...

they go by pretty fast.

-What?
-The first 90 years go by fast.

How would you know?
You're just a damn kid.

I didn't say it, you did.

Well, they do. They go fast.

Then one day you wake up...

and you realize...

that you're not 81 anymore.

You begin to count the minutes
rather than the days...

and you realize
that pretty soon you'll be gone.

And that all you have, see,
is the experiences.

That's all there is.
Everything. The experiences.

You mount the woman, son.

Or else...

send her out to me.

I happened to come by these two tickets
for the Gopher game.

Ever play much ice hockey?

We had an appointment.

There she is. Wabasha.

It is just beautiful.

Yeah, from up here. I used to camp
up here when I was a kid.

What are you thinking?

I'm sorry.

It's the snow...

reminded me of the last Christmas
I spent with my husband.

-Are you all right?
-Yes, an angel.

-What?
-I'm making a snow angel, remember?

I remember.

Do you believe in angels?

They're all around us.

You've got to look hard
but they're there...

whenever anything good happens to us.

I think I see one.

Look at how large Papa 's
bald spot is.

Actually does look like
hair growing there.

...you could imagine problems
that will become reality.

Give it all you've got.
Again and again and again.

I'll have you mated in three moves.

Shouldn't we get to know each other
a little better first?

You have a wonderful smile.
You should wear it more often.

I bring it out on special occasions.

Tell me, who's this?

-What?
-Over here.

That's my dad. That's Pop.

This handsome guy, you know him, right?

My daughter Melanie and her mother,
and Melanie and her husband, Mike.

She's beautiful.

Who are these people here?

That little girl is Alexandra,
my granddaughter.

-My son, Brian.
-He's so handsome.

Lost him in Vietnam.

-I'm so sorry.
-It's okay. It's all right.

These little guys.

That's me and the moron.

Of course it's Max.
He's ugly isn't he?

-You mean you were friends?
-I was 10 and didn't know any better.

What can make two grown men
spend most of their lives fighting?

-Guess.
-A woman.

How romantic.

No, it wasn't romantic at all.

What did I know, I was just a kid.

Which I am not anymore.

I think it's kind of late.

Oh, yeah. I guess....

It's time for bed.

God, you are dumb, dumb, dumb.

Ariel, I'm sorry that....

I thought you said....

I said it's time for bed.

Well, wait, what about....

-What?
-Well, you've been seeing....

Max?

He's just my friend.

The last man I slept
with was my husband.

Wait a minute.

I'm not prepared.

These days, they say
you have to do safe sex.

When was the last time
you made love?

October 4...

1978.

I think we're safe.

Good morning.

Are those for me?

They're just beautiful.
Thank you.

They're for you.
I got them for you.

Thank you.
How sweet.

Got them for you.

Snake in the grass.

Burn, baby, burn.

Creep.

Holy shit. Max.
Stop the car, you idiot.

Look out, Goldman's gone nuts.

-Max, you've really lost it.
-Dirty little bastard.

Are you out of your mind?

He belongs in a rubber room.

I fixed your fishing pole.

Who cares about
a damn fishing pole?

You can shove that pole.

You think a lousy old pole
is going to replace her?

Are you crazy?

Don't egg him on. Go back
to your fishing and leave him alone.

We'll settle this thing.

Cut it out.

Shrimp, you're not going anywhere.

Come on.

-You broke my nose.
-I didn't break your damn nose.

Look at that.
What the hell has gotten into you?

-You stole her, didn't you?
-What?

She's mine.

-Says who?
-Says me.

She came to me.

You're stealing her
away just like May.

Could I remind you, Einstein,
May was no prize.

She was to me.

I was married to her for 20 years.
She was no prize.

-She was to me.
-That's why you are a moron.

If you'd stayed with May you wouldn't
have had Amy, who was a good woman.

-She was the best.
-And more loyal than May ever was.

-Absolutely.
-So.

So what?

Well, did you?

What?

You know.

-That's a private matter.
-Private, my foot. Did you?

-...all I can tell you.
-You better tell me.

Okay, we danced the horizontal mambo.

It was the greatest sex I ever had
in my life. Are you happy?

Drop that fish.

Don't make me
have to separate you two again.

Go to your shanties, all of you.

You're scaring the fish away.

Damn kids.

Kids. You can't live with them,
can't shoot them.

How you going to take care
of her, Gustafson?

How are you going to support her
when the lRS takes your house away?

I can't wait around for another Amy.
I ain't got time.

This time you win.

If you're not going to keep
our date tonight, I'll bring the date to you.

You promised to come over
and give me the New Deal lecture...

-and like a good student--
-What's that?

A gift.

A snow angel.

You inspired it.

I can't accept it.

Why not?

It might be a very good idea
if we didn't see each other.

For a while. Give each of us
a chance to be alone and....

But I thought....

God damn it. In the first place
I'm too old for you. Okay?

I don't like you coming over here
any time you feel like it.

I don't like you hanging around here
all day long.

I'm not like you.
I'm not afraid to be alone.

I am not afraid to be alone.

I just prefer
to experience things...

and not watch them on television
or out the windows like you do.

Don't you understand?
I like being alone.

I understand.

I understand completely.

-You don't know a damn thing about me.
-I do, too.

I know the only things in life that
you regret are the risks you don't take.

But you wouldn't understand that.
Because you're too pig-headed.

Damn.

How are you doing?

-Merry Christmas.
-Congratulations on the election.

That's old news.
Where have you been?

I had all this stuff
that I had to get taken care of.

Melanie said
she's going to come by tonight.

-You, know, Christmas Eve. Around 9:00.
-ls that right?

-Why don't you drop over later?
-I'll do that.

This neighborhood will be a lot safer
without that snowmobile around.

Hi, Jacob. Hello, putz.

Merry Christmas, John.

Your cat crapped on my steps again.

Who says you can't train a cat?

It's a warning. If it happens again
I'll punch you in the nose.

He started it.

Where's Santa's favorite little girl?

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Hi, John.

What, no twinkle lights?

I forgot about them this year.

Be polite.

Merry Christmas.

Can I put Allie in your bed?

-Sure.
-Good night, baby.

Bedtime. Say good night to Grandpa.

How've you been?

Lousy. Thought you two
were getting a divorce.

Actually, it's only a separation.

I had to work some things out for myself
before we could work on us.

Did you get it worked out?

As far as I can tell.

That's great, Mike.

Maybe the rest of us
should put our lives on hold...

for the next two weeks
while you fill up with enough booze...

to make up your mind.

You know...

I think I'll grab a beer.

Grab a beer.
It's in the fridge.

-What had gotten into you?
-I don't know.

Grab me one, too.

Dad, try and understand...

he says he's all straightened out.

What do I know? I'm 68 years old.
I got no house, no wife, no pension.

What are you saying?

I don't know one damn thing,
but I know this.

The only things in this life that you regret
are the risks you didn't take.

If you see a chance to be happy...

grab it with both hands and
to hell with the consequences.

I'll be damned if I can find a bottle opener.

Sweetheart, I'm going to walk down
to Slippery's.

What?

Hey, Jakie.
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Is this a bad time?

I'm sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with him.
He just exploded.

You want me to go after him?

He'll cool off down at Slippery's.
Come on in.

What's that?

This is broccoli.

Pop didn't have mistletoe.

Mike. Hey! You're next, big guy.

Hi, Stinky.

I just came by
to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

That was sweet, Jacob.
Wasn't that sweet, Mike?

Sweet and short.

Good to see you, Mike.

-Could I ask you a favor?
-Sure.

Could you have a word with your dad?
See if they can't make up for Christmas.

Sure. Absolutely.

That would be great.

Merry Christmas.

Over to Gustafson's?

Melanie there?

She look good?

Very. She also looks
to still be married.

What? Mike's back?

Looks that way.

Melanie said that
John just exploded and walked out.

-So?
-So what's going on?

Nothing that shouldn't
have happened years ago.

He tried to steal her away from me,
but I won.

Could you at least talk to him?

My door is open.
He knows where to find me.

He started it.

I don't care who started it,
you're going to end it.

I don't like him.
I never liked him.

It's Christmas, Pop.

You could go down to Slippery's
and make peace with the man.

I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt.

This 1,500-pound moose
is the real thing, folks.

Reared by local volunteer firefighter,
Peter Carlson, of Wabasha.

He found it injured while hunting,
brought it home...

and raised it in his home.

Merry Christmas.

Moron.

Putz.

Thank you.

Jacob says Mike and Melanie
are getting back together.

He doesn't know his ass
from a hole in the ground.

Melanie is getting a divorce.

I got a couple of things
I want to tell you.

The reason
I came down here tonight is...

I wanted to tell you--

Spit it out.
I haven't got all night.

-Don't shout.
-I'm not.

Bust my tucchus to come here
on Christmas Eve to thank you...

and all you do is shout at me.

To thank me?

All right, I take it back.
I don't thank you.

Jesus, it's impossible.

Look, Goldman...

I want to ask you something.

Well, what? I ain't got all night, either.
I'm just as busy as you are.

Do you love her?

Do I love her?
What does that have to do with anything?

It would make
the whole thing worthwhile.

You know something, I think you've
lost whatever marbles you ever had.

Do you think you walked
on coals for me?

Gave me back my old fishing pole
and I said "thank you."

Fishing pole?

Pisses me off you broke it,
but schmuck that you are...

I got to be realistic.
What's so funny?

You are so blind, you think
this is about a stupid fishing pole?

-What's it about?
-Forget it.

What do you mean forget it?
Don't give me that crap.

I want to know.

-You really want to know?
-Yes.

What about her?

You made me feel sorry for you.

She chose me.

She did.

And if anyone says otherwise
they're damn liars.

What's the difference?
You got her anyway.

What the hell are you looking at?

Stupid moron.

What an idiot.

It makes a difference, damn it.

Dirty rat. Little turd.

Oh, my God.

Are you dead?

Not yet. But I don't want to die
looking at your ugly face.

Stay there. Stay right there.

Wait a minute.
I'll be right back.

Help.
It's an emergency.

Emergency. We need an ambulance.
Somebody dial 91 1.

Could you tell me....

Nurse.

Nurse, could you tell me
where Mr. John Gustafson is?

Are you friend or family?

What?

Are you friend or family, sir?

Friend.

Merry Christmas, John.

You putz.

Well, you'd better have a good reason
for standing me up this morning.

What's wrong?

Can I come in?

Sure.

I know you wanted to get rid of me,
but isn't this a little drastic?

My husband passed away at Easter.

If you leave me at Christmas, I won't
have any holidays to look forward to.

Except maybe Thanksgiving and....

I'm not crazy about turkey.

So, what do you say?

Let's get out of here.

All right.

Okay, I can wait.

The guy could be dead tomorrow.

I'm sorry your friend is sick...

but the court order is in
and my hands are tied.

Check the bedroom.
File the paperwork.

He's straight as a grizzly's dick.
He'd never cheat on his taxes.

It's not a matter of cheating.

It's a matter of miscalculation.

He got health benefits for 20 years
while claiming as a married man.

However, he omitted to inform us that...

his ex-wife had a part-time job
for 1 1 of those 20 years.

Had he done so,
we'd have informed him...

that, because of her income...

a larger portion of those benefits
were subject to federal tax.

About $13,000.

He can raise that.

However...

that amount, when combined with...

1 1 years worth of interest,
mandatory late charges, and penalties...

comes out at about $57,000, ballpark.

He'd never find that.

He will when we sell his house.

Dirty rat. I'll show him.
Picking on people.

Let's go.

-Where's the realtor?
-Get the door?

The furniture goes
to the auction house.

Any paperwork
put in the back of my car, okay?

Beautiful day.

Do the world a favor and pull your lip
over your head and swallow.

Asshole.

Bloodsuckers.

Max, what's going on?

Morning, Ariel!

Anyone looking?

No, why?

We got a problem.

-What is it?
-Somebody's barricaded the doors.

Wait a minute.

What?

-Break it in.
-Watch this. You'll get a kick out of it.

We'll see about this.

This isn't going to stop me, Mr. Goldman.

I got him right where I want him.

Got it, just like you said.

-You don't understand.
-I can handle it.

I'm Jacob Goldman, Mayor of Wabasha.

I have a 30-day cease and desist order.
You can't touch this house.

Very well.

-You look great.
-Thanks, so do you.

I mean it. People always try to be nice
by saying you look great but...

you really do look great.

-I feel good.
-How are you?

I'm good, Jacob.

Listen, I'm sorry about the....

Divorce. Thanks.

I'm just glad it's over and done with.

You must be.

-Ready for this?
-No, not really.

Listen, if you need someone
to talk to tonight...

I'm staying at Pop's.

Thanks, Jacob.
I'd like that.

Hey, you two.
Get your asses in here.

I guess it's time.

-Where have you been?
-Relax. You nervous?

The groom is nervous.

-I'm not nervous, schmuck.
-Don't call me schmuck, putz.

You're in a church.

Wait.

Ain't you forgetting something?

That'll do it.

That'll do it, Dad.
I think that'll do it.

Okay, here we go.

-You're the greatest.
-Thank you.

-I love you.
-Goodbye, pumpkin.

Have fun.

Here's your house.

Jacob got them to waive
the penalties and interest.

I took care of the $13,000.

Wipe the smile off your face,
it's just a loan.

I'll lay eight-to-five you can't get it up
the entire honeymoon.

You're on.

I got a sure winner.

You smell something?

What is that?

That dirty son of a....

What a putz.

What do you feel like tonight,
Leno or Letterman?

Tell me about it in the morning.

Where are you going?

The Daughters of the American Revolution
are having a dance at the VFW.

Maybe I'll get lucky. Don't wait up for me.

-What have you got there?
-Broccoli.

Holy moly.

He's in.

Looks like he's going to enter
the holy of holies.

Coitus uninterruptus.

I throw back what
I'm not going to eat.

Yeah, like that 40-pound muskie
you're always yakking about.

It's a shame that...

your uncle has a fish market
on 23rd Street and 14th Avenue.

26th.

26th Street, you dummy.

You schmuck.

Yeah. It looks like Chuck's
slipping her the old salami.

Oh, Jesus, Dad.

I'm Ronald Reagan. I used to be
President of the United States.

-I live across the street.
-Yes, come in.

I was also in the movies.
I was a lousy actor.

Looks like Chuck's going to
put the hot dog in the bun.

Oh, Jesus, Dad.

That's why I came down.

Spit it out.

-Don't shout.
-I'm not.

Bust my tucchus to get here
on New Year's Eve...

or Christmas, or whatever the....

Looks like Chuck's a tomcat on the prowl.

I got a pinched sciatica that makes
your lumbago look like eye strain.

Is it? Does he? Would he? Is he....

Yes, he is.

Looks like Chuck is taking
the old log to the beaver.

Looks like Chuck's going to bury his boner.

That's right, you're a moron.

If you hadn't had Amy....

It looks like Chuck is taking
the skinboat to tuna town.

Looks like Chuck is taking a ride
on the wild baloney pony.

Who left?

If I knew there was a nude scene
in this picture...

I'd have asked for another million.

Slate it.

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