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1
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♪ Born on the wrong end
Of the leash ♪
2
00:00:01,542 --> 00:00:04,082
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪
-♪ And a little schemer ♪
3
00:00:04,166 --> 00:00:05,786
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
4
00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,415
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
5
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:08,330
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
6
00:00:08,417 --> 00:00:10,127
-♪ One day he says ♪
-♪ I'll take a chance ♪
7
00:00:10,208 --> 00:00:11,828
♪ Trades his leash
For a pair of pants ♪
8
00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:14,207
♪ In a glance, school becomes
His favorite pastime ♪
9
00:00:14,291 --> 00:00:16,581
♪ I have buried a bone
For the last time ♪
10
00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:18,287
-♪ He says ♪
-♪ I want to be a boy ♪
11
00:00:18,375 --> 00:00:19,625
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
12
00:00:19,709 --> 00:00:21,129
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
13
00:00:21,208 --> 00:00:22,578
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
14
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:25,037
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
15
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,665
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
16
00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:28,420
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
17
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,960
Why can't I be a normal kid
like any other?
18
00:00:31,041 --> 00:00:33,131
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
19
00:00:33,208 --> 00:00:34,918
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
20
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,920
I hate dogs.
21
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,460
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
22
00:00:39,542 --> 00:00:41,462
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
23
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,502
I do not wish to be a dog.
24
00:00:43,583 --> 00:00:46,083
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
25
00:00:46,166 --> 00:00:47,496
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
26
00:00:47,583 --> 00:00:49,083
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
27
00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:52,206
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
28
00:00:52,291 --> 00:00:54,131
Yes!
29
00:01:09,333 --> 00:01:11,333
Leonard, sweetie,
it's time for school.
30
00:01:11,417 --> 00:01:12,917
We gotta lickety-scoot.
31
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,500
Hot diggity!
P.B. And J.
32
00:01:15,583 --> 00:01:18,253
And a delicious tangelo for dessert.
33
00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:21,383
Or is this an orangine?
I can never tell.
34
00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:25,378
Peanut butter and jelly again?
I'm a dog!
35
00:01:25,458 --> 00:01:27,378
Sure, George Washington Carver
invented
36
00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:28,628
over 300 ways to use peanuts,
37
00:01:28,709 --> 00:01:30,499
but he couldn't come up with
just one
38
00:01:30,583 --> 00:01:32,963
that doesn't stick to the roof
of a dog's mouth.
39
00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:35,420
Happy?
40
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,130
You're a pal!
I owe ya.
41
00:01:37,208 --> 00:01:38,378
All righty then, let's go!
42
00:01:38,458 --> 00:01:41,628
Leaving?
What about my breakfast?
43
00:01:41,709 --> 00:01:44,169
Most important meal of the day.
44
00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:45,960
Where's my milk?!
45
00:01:46,041 --> 00:01:48,461
Ugh! Think, kitty, think.
46
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,252
Ah-- the purr thing.
47
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:52,883
[purring]
48
00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:56,749
Oh-- can't leave Mr. Jolly
without his morning milk treat.
49
00:01:56,834 --> 00:01:58,504
Ooh, thank you, thank you,
thank you.
50
00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:00,253
Now get out of the way.
I'm starving.
51
00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:03,673
I hate when she drives him to school.
52
00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:08,375
Ahhhh.
53
00:02:08,458 --> 00:02:09,668
[burps]
54
00:02:09,750 --> 00:02:11,380
Pardonnez-moi.
55
00:02:11,458 --> 00:02:16,128
Now for a nice midmorning siesta.
56
00:02:16,208 --> 00:02:18,078
[snoring]
57
00:02:18,166 --> 00:02:20,326
[grumbling]
58
00:02:20,417 --> 00:02:22,287
Huh? Huh? What?
59
00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,825
Oh. It's quarter to 8:00.
60
00:02:24,917 --> 00:02:25,877
What?
61
00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:27,329
Quarter to 8:00.
62
00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:29,627
That's a wonderful impression
of a cuckoo bird.
63
00:02:29,709 --> 00:02:31,919
But if you don't mind,
I'm trying to sleep.
64
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,330
I'll give you an impression--
right on your head!
65
00:02:34,417 --> 00:02:35,917
You asked me
what time it was.
66
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,210
I most certainly did not!
67
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:40,501
And there is no need to take
that tone
68
00:02:40,583 --> 00:02:42,503
just because you woke up on
the wrong side of the perch.
69
00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:45,333
I didn't say a word-- not a
chirp or even a peep!
70
00:02:45,417 --> 00:02:46,707
I'm telling you, it was you!
71
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:50,462
That's ridiculous, absurd,
and a little bit mean.
72
00:02:50,542 --> 00:02:52,172
[sloshing]
73
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,250
Oh, sweet sandbox, no!
74
00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:58,293
That horrible, uncouth,
almost-alien sound!
75
00:02:58,375 --> 00:02:59,955
[sloshing]
76
00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:01,251
It's coming from me!
77
00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,753
Congrats, Sherlock.
Cracked another case.
78
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,174
I don't know how you do it.
79
00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:06,210
[sloshing]
80
00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:11,535
Kids, once in your
elementary-school career
81
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:16,125
do you get an opportunity such
as I am about to offer you.
82
00:03:16,208 --> 00:03:19,378
I am giving this class the honor
of performing
83
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:22,878
at the annual district school
principals' showcase!
84
00:03:22,959 --> 00:03:26,789
You will perform my personal favorite,
85
00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:29,575
the great American
square dance!
86
00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,417
Square dancing? Ew!
87
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,040
Come on!
88
00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:37,915
What they mean by "ew" is,
"we'd be honored."
89
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:42,250
Yee-haw! A chance to dance in
front of others--
90
00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:43,753
in a square!
91
00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:46,924
That's the spirit!
And, uh, one more thing--
92
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,420
Nash Brickler, the principal of
Southwest East Westland,
93
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,040
will be there, too,
94
00:03:52,125 --> 00:03:54,785
so let's have fun, put on a
great show,
95
00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:58,165
and above all, make sure you
don't embarrass me,
96
00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:01,330
or you'll regret it
for the rest of your lives!
97
00:04:01,417 --> 00:04:03,997
Well, isn't that inspiring?
98
00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:08,423
Okey-dokey, then, let's push
back your desks.
99
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,127
Girls in one line, boys in another.
100
00:04:11,208 --> 00:04:12,998
You know what this means?
101
00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:15,963
Red rover, red rover,
let the girls come over?
102
00:04:16,041 --> 00:04:17,291
No, this is my chance.
103
00:04:17,375 --> 00:04:19,625
I could be partnered with
Leslie Dunkling.
104
00:04:19,709 --> 00:04:21,459
Mmm... not likely.
105
00:04:21,542 --> 00:04:23,082
Rules of random selection
106
00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:25,746
applied to the frequency
interpretation formula,
107
00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,464
vis-à-vis statistical analysis,
108
00:04:27,542 --> 00:04:29,962
not to mention your unfailingly
bad luck,
109
00:04:30,041 --> 00:04:31,251
weigh heavily against it.
110
00:04:31,333 --> 00:04:32,793
Kelsey and Taylor.
111
00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,205
Out of the way!
112
00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:36,791
I gotta stand here so I can be partnered
113
00:04:36,875 --> 00:04:38,415
with my girlfriend...
114
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,750
Ruth.
115
00:04:40,834 --> 00:04:43,504
But if I refigure
random chance--
116
00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:46,923
insert square dancer Leonard
over pi here,
117
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,130
boy-girl cosine here, and...
118
00:04:49,208 --> 00:04:50,208
Move over, Darwin.
119
00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,331
I'm toying with natural selection.
120
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,247
And Leslie Dunkling,
121
00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:57,213
you'll be with Leonard Helperman.
122
00:04:57,291 --> 00:04:58,581
Yes!
123
00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,877
Nothing a friend wouldn't do for a friend.
124
00:05:00,959 --> 00:05:02,959
Besides, I owed you
for that ham slice.
125
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,251
And, Ruth, your partner is
Scott Leadready II.
126
00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:06,253
Huh?
127
00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:09,793
Hey! I'm supposed to be with Ruth!
128
00:05:09,875 --> 00:05:12,205
I had myself all lined up!
129
00:05:12,291 --> 00:05:13,501
Thank you.
130
00:05:13,583 --> 00:05:16,253
You did until Scott Leadready
slipped into your space.
131
00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:19,423
Nice work, you sly dog, you!
132
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:20,710
[snarls]
133
00:05:20,792 --> 00:05:23,752
Me, a dog? I don't know what
you're talking about.
134
00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:26,254
Just a figure of speech,
Tallulah!
135
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,333
He stole my Ruth!
136
00:05:28,417 --> 00:05:31,247
And, Ian Wazselewski,
as odd boy out,
137
00:05:31,333 --> 00:05:33,333
I'm making you
honorary caller.
138
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:36,997
Finally, my oddness has paid off!
139
00:05:37,083 --> 00:05:39,543
Okay. What do I get to do?
140
00:05:39,625 --> 00:05:42,995
You get to stand by the record
player and do nothing.
141
00:05:43,083 --> 00:05:44,963
What's a record player?
142
00:05:45,041 --> 00:05:47,331
Okay, everybody,
a few basics-- caller here.
143
00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:49,328
That makes the closest couple
the head couple.
144
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,207
To their right, the second couple.
145
00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:53,581
That makes this the third
couple, and this the fourth.
146
00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:56,417
Be warned,
Scott Leadready II--
147
00:05:56,500 --> 00:06:00,670
you'll regret the day you came
between me and the girl I love!
148
00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:03,330
I'll be watching your every move!
149
00:06:03,417 --> 00:06:05,037
You won't see me...
150
00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:06,875
'Cause I'll be lurking!
151
00:06:06,959 --> 00:06:08,459
How will that be
any different than usual?
152
00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:10,792
Girls are called "ladies,"
and boys, "gents."
153
00:06:10,875 --> 00:06:12,125
Lucky for us.
154
00:06:12,208 --> 00:06:14,458
Watch and learn.
Shall we?
155
00:06:17,125 --> 00:06:20,495
My mom and Principal Strickler?
How embarrassing!
156
00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:21,883
Hit it, Mr. Wazselewski!
157
00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:28,044
[square-dance music plays]
158
00:06:29,125 --> 00:06:30,785
♪ Grab your partner by the hand ♪
159
00:06:30,875 --> 00:06:32,375
♪ Swing her 'round this great big land ♪
160
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:34,288
♪ Corral your dogie with your right ♪
161
00:06:34,375 --> 00:06:36,915
♪ Twirl her 'round with all your might ♪
162
00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,461
[finale plays]
163
00:06:40,542 --> 00:06:43,382
You better keep
your distance!
164
00:06:43,458 --> 00:06:45,288
It's a square dance.
You have to hold hands.
165
00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:47,125
Otherwise, it's break dancing.
166
00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:53,670
Sorry, Leonard.
I-I-I just can't.
167
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,329
Oh, no.
168
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,707
What's the matter?
169
00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,212
My hands got all sweaty.
170
00:06:59,291 --> 00:07:01,541
Is it the dancing?
You don't know how to dance?
171
00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:03,415
Or are you nervous about Leslie?
172
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,830
I think it's all those things.
173
00:07:05,917 --> 00:07:08,667
Why couldn't you be a dog like
everybody else's dog
174
00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:09,920
and stay at home?
175
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,580
Why'd you have to go to school?
Why'd you have to pair us up?
176
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,827
Hold up, there, pilgrim.
177
00:07:14,917 --> 00:07:17,247
I got you into this mess.
I'll get you out.
178
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:21,997
[snoring]
179
00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:24,915
[snoring]
180
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,540
[growling, sloshing]
181
00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:32,917
[growling, sloshing]
182
00:07:33,208 --> 00:07:35,668
Hey, stick a sock in it.
I'm going crazy here.
183
00:07:35,750 --> 00:07:37,920
I can't sleep,
I can't hear my soaps!
184
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,000
Believe me, I'm trying to keep
it quiet,
185
00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:41,423
but nothing I do helps.
186
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,960
[growling, sloshing]
187
00:07:45,291 --> 00:07:46,881
[sloshing]
188
00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:48,997
[sloshing]
189
00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:50,790
Okay, that's the last straw.
190
00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:52,165
Here, chew on this grass.
191
00:07:52,250 --> 00:07:53,580
I understand it's good
192
00:07:53,667 --> 00:07:55,917
for anything
with four paws and fur.
193
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,290
[mumbles]
194
00:07:59,792 --> 00:08:00,922
I feel worse!
195
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,250
Of course you feel worse.
You just ate grass.
196
00:08:03,333 --> 00:08:04,583
Try this cod-liver oil.
197
00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:06,827
Sailors swear by this stuff.
198
00:08:06,917 --> 00:08:07,877
Oy!
199
00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:10,289
Now I know why they swear.
It tastes awful.
200
00:08:10,375 --> 00:08:12,665
[growling]
201
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:14,542
I was saving the big guns for last.
202
00:08:14,625 --> 00:08:16,455
Here-- nibble on these
sunflower seeds.
203
00:08:16,542 --> 00:08:18,082
It's an old family remedy.
204
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,535
Mmm.
205
00:08:23,542 --> 00:08:25,332
Hey, I don't hear a thing.
206
00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:26,995
That's better, right?
207
00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:28,213
I'm quiet!
208
00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:29,501
I'm quiet.
209
00:08:29,583 --> 00:08:31,293
[rumbling]
210
00:08:31,458 --> 00:08:32,628
[burps]
211
00:08:32,709 --> 00:08:34,169
But I'm sick!
212
00:08:34,250 --> 00:08:36,750
I think your problem is all in
your head.
213
00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:37,834
It's in my hands.
214
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:39,327
Work with me here.
215
00:08:39,417 --> 00:08:42,127
[German accent]
What would Sigmund Freud,
216
00:08:42,208 --> 00:08:45,458
the father of modern psychiatry,
do in this situation?
217
00:08:45,542 --> 00:08:46,922
Ein rorschach test...
218
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,250
[sighs]
219
00:08:48,333 --> 00:08:50,173
["The Blue Danube" playing]
220
00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:52,920
...or what you would call
"the inkblot test."
221
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,670
What does this look like?
222
00:08:54,750 --> 00:08:55,960
Leslie.
223
00:08:56,041 --> 00:08:57,041
Und this?
224
00:08:57,125 --> 00:08:59,495
Leslie running away
from my wet hands.
225
00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:00,833
Und this?
226
00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:02,957
Me, dancing by myself.
227
00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:04,001
That's it!
228
00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:06,423
I have the answer to your
problems!
229
00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,330
What? What?
Can you help me?
230
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:10,287
Ooh, sorry.
Your time is up.
231
00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,535
[normal voice]
Ha ha! Just kidding!
232
00:09:12,625 --> 00:09:15,035
You just need confidence on the
dance floor.
233
00:09:15,125 --> 00:09:16,955
Then your problem
will go away.
234
00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:18,081
Of course, I can help.
235
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:21,076
Dancing is in my blood.
236
00:09:21,166 --> 00:09:22,956
I am dance!
237
00:09:23,041 --> 00:09:26,501
When man stumbled from his cave
and discovered fire,
238
00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:28,043
I was there.
239
00:09:28,125 --> 00:09:30,875
When Terpsichore the muse
inspired the Greeks,
240
00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:32,249
I was there.
241
00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:33,923
So was Helen of Troy.
242
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,210
Ooh, what a babe!
243
00:09:35,291 --> 00:09:38,001
When King Henry VIII got married,
244
00:09:38,083 --> 00:09:40,503
I was there-- all six times.
245
00:09:40,583 --> 00:09:42,043
He loved to dance!
246
00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:45,495
Wherever families come together
to celebrate weddings,
247
00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:48,173
oh, I'll be there!
248
00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:50,290
What better way to keep from
talking to the new in-laws?
249
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:51,745
Hear that rhythm?
250
00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:54,924
It's the rhythm of life--
like a heartbeat.
251
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,040
Leonard, stop thinking about
dancing.
252
00:09:58,125 --> 00:09:59,415
Become the dance!
253
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,500
[show music playing]
254
00:10:01,583 --> 00:10:02,633
Ow!
255
00:10:02,709 --> 00:10:03,919
Sorry-- sorry.
256
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,210
[grunting]
257
00:10:05,291 --> 00:10:08,001
No problem.
You're light as a feather.
258
00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:10,793
It's all right.
I've got three more.
259
00:10:10,875 --> 00:10:13,285
What if I step
on Leslie's foot?
260
00:10:13,375 --> 00:10:15,035
Ow! Ow, ow!
261
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:16,125
Ugh! You clod!
262
00:10:16,208 --> 00:10:18,168
I'll never dance with you again!
263
00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:20,920
Oh, you won't be worrying
about stepping on her foot.
264
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,920
You'll be too busy listening to
the caller.
265
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,960
Wouldn't want to be do-si-doing
when you should be promenading!
266
00:10:26,041 --> 00:10:27,921
Or allemande left instead of right.
267
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,210
I didn't even think
268
00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:31,001
of all the other things that
could go wrong!
269
00:10:31,083 --> 00:10:33,083
Oops-- me and my big mouth.
270
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,956
Trust me, kid,
you can do it!
271
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,580
Mmm.
272
00:10:38,834 --> 00:10:39,834
[growling]
273
00:10:39,917 --> 00:10:40,827
That's it!
274
00:10:40,917 --> 00:10:43,127
Time to get to the bottom of
this colonic cacophony.
275
00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:44,498
Heartbeat's fine.
276
00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:46,083
How old are you? 60? 70?
277
00:10:46,166 --> 00:10:48,826
What? I'm not that old.
278
00:10:48,917 --> 00:10:50,877
Cat years-- I'm taking cat years here!
279
00:10:50,959 --> 00:10:52,249
You're not as young as you used to be.
280
00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:53,673
What did you eat today?
281
00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:55,290
Oh. Well, uh, the usual--
282
00:10:55,375 --> 00:10:58,035
milk, cream, cheese, cream cheese,
283
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,625
ice cream, ice milk,
buttermilk...
284
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:02,789
But I don't see what that--
285
00:11:02,875 --> 00:11:05,455
wake up and smell the
cholesterol, cheese brain!
286
00:11:05,542 --> 00:11:07,042
You're lactose intolerant.
287
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:10,075
That's why your innards make
loud, embarrassing noises.
288
00:11:10,166 --> 00:11:12,706
Lactose intolerant?
Don't be ridiculous!
289
00:11:12,792 --> 00:11:16,042
How could I be intolerant of
something I love so much?
290
00:11:17,959 --> 00:11:19,209
[growling, sloshing]
291
00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:21,381
Great balls of gouda, you're right!
292
00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:22,538
What can I do?
293
00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:24,125
Just say no to milk, cheese,
294
00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:26,458
and all milky, cheesy byproducts.
295
00:11:26,542 --> 00:11:27,582
Oh!
296
00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:29,127
So let me get this straight--
297
00:11:29,208 --> 00:11:31,998
you're suggesting a life without dairy?
298
00:11:32,083 --> 00:11:33,503
Exactly.
299
00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,003
Ooh, the vapors!
300
00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:39,130
And so, sir, you can see
301
00:11:39,208 --> 00:11:41,538
why I need to be excused from
square-dancing.
302
00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:43,665
Oh, Leonard, Leonard,
Leonard...
303
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:45,250
In all my years as principal,
304
00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:47,583
that is the best excuse I ever heard.
305
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:49,827
And I'm sure if you were to
submit it
306
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,917
to the make-an-excuse
foundation,
307
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,540
they would gladly make you their
poster child.
308
00:11:54,625 --> 00:11:55,955
Now get this through
309
00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:59,541
your fourth-grade,
video-game-besotted brain--
310
00:11:59,625 --> 00:12:02,035
no one graduates from this school
311
00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:03,875
without square-dancing!
312
00:12:03,959 --> 00:12:06,079
Do I make myself clear?!
313
00:12:11,667 --> 00:12:13,787
[square-dance music playing]
314
00:12:17,208 --> 00:12:19,248
♪ Bow to your partner,
Reach for their hand ♪
315
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,133
♪ Spin 'em in a circle to the
Beat of the band ♪
316
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,958
♪ Promenade all around the hall ♪
317
00:12:23,041 --> 00:12:26,791
♪ Head on home, and do-si-do all ♪
318
00:12:33,667 --> 00:12:35,037
♪ Grab your partner by the hand ♪
319
00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:36,785
♪ Swing her 'round this great big land ♪
320
00:12:36,875 --> 00:12:38,785
♪ Corral your dogie with your right ♪
321
00:12:38,875 --> 00:12:41,875
♪ Twirl her 'round with all your might ♪
322
00:12:44,542 --> 00:12:46,172
[gasping]
323
00:12:46,375 --> 00:12:48,575
[gasps]
324
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:54,170
Huh?
325
00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:55,960
Leonard!
326
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:57,961
Leonard, wake up.
327
00:12:58,041 --> 00:12:58,961
Huh?
328
00:12:59,041 --> 00:13:01,041
I was square-dancing with Leslie,
329
00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:03,375
and everything was fine until we
touched hands.
330
00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:04,878
I-I started sweating and--
331
00:13:04,959 --> 00:13:07,419
It's okay.
You were having a nightmare.
332
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,290
Not a whimpering,
obedience-school,
333
00:13:09,375 --> 00:13:12,535
show-up-late-for-the-final-exam,
haven't-been-there-all-semester,
334
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,325
kick-your-legs kind of
nightmare,
335
00:13:14,417 --> 00:13:15,877
but a nightmare nonetheless.
336
00:13:15,959 --> 00:13:17,669
Maybe it was all
a bad dream.
337
00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:18,920
None of it happened.
338
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,960
There is no square-dance showcase!
339
00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:22,461
I'm not dancing with Leslie!
340
00:13:22,542 --> 00:13:23,882
My palms were never sweaty.
341
00:13:23,959 --> 00:13:25,919
[Mrs. Helperman]
Rise and shine!
342
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,880
Got a great big surprise for my
great big square-dancing boy!
343
00:13:29,125 --> 00:13:32,625
Hey, maybe this is a hackie,
clichéd psycho-thriller film,
344
00:13:32,709 --> 00:13:35,039
and you'll wake up a second time.
345
00:13:35,125 --> 00:13:37,245
Do-si-do your tush
out of the bed!
346
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:38,753
Nope, it's reality.
347
00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:41,084
So, what do you think, honey?
348
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,170
Isn't it the bee's knees?
349
00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:46,080
Uh...
350
00:13:46,166 --> 00:13:47,996
And look-- I made you a
matching shirt
351
00:13:48,083 --> 00:13:49,673
from the leftover material.
352
00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:51,540
Ha ha--
waste not, want not.
353
00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:53,915
Mom, how could you do such a thing?
354
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,000
I thought matching homemade
outfits would be nice.
355
00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:59,883
Only geeks wear homemade
square-dancing shirts!
356
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,170
Oh, Tallulah...
357
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:05,000
Only the coolest people
358
00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:08,043
wear homemade square-dancing shirts.
359
00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:13,325
Oh, Mr. Jolly-wolly,
I almost forgot your treat!
360
00:14:15,208 --> 00:14:18,418
Remember, you can't have this stuff!
361
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,000
I know I shouldn't drink it,
362
00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:22,923
but it's sitting there right in
front of me,
363
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,210
calling to me--
it's begging me to drink it!
364
00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:26,421
I can't let you.
365
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,080
You know what it will do to your
stomach-- and my ears!
366
00:14:29,166 --> 00:14:31,036
Those horrible, offensive sounds!
367
00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:32,455
But look at me!
368
00:14:32,542 --> 00:14:35,382
I'm wasting away.
I'm just skin and bones!
369
00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,458
You're skin and fat.
370
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,832
[evil voice]
Get out of the way,
371
00:14:38,917 --> 00:14:40,627
or I'll go right through you!
372
00:14:40,709 --> 00:14:41,959
That's it.
373
00:14:42,041 --> 00:14:44,961
I have no recourse but to revert
to aversion therapy.
374
00:14:45,041 --> 00:14:47,631
This is gonna hurt you more than
it's going to hurt me!
375
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:55,325
What do you think of your
precious milk now?!
376
00:14:55,417 --> 00:14:56,667
It's bathwater!
377
00:14:56,750 --> 00:14:58,960
You want to drink
feather-soaked bathwater?!
378
00:14:59,041 --> 00:15:00,291
It's disgusting!
379
00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:04,920
Hey, why are you looking at me
that way?
380
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,250
Get away from me!
381
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:08,133
Aaaaah!
382
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:11,038
[growling, sloshing]
383
00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:12,955
[ringing]
384
00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:15,036
Okey-dokey, Principal Strickler,
385
00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:16,165
we're ready to rehearse.
386
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:18,040
Excellent, Mrs. Helperman.
387
00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:19,785
You can do this, Leonard.
388
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:22,165
You are a picture
of confidence.
389
00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:23,750
Say, "I'm confident."
390
00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:24,794
I'm confident.
391
00:15:24,875 --> 00:15:25,955
Confident...
392
00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:27,881
I'm confident.
I'm--
393
00:15:27,959 --> 00:15:30,079
[squeals]
Sweating like a pig.
394
00:15:30,208 --> 00:15:31,668
Ugh.
395
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:35,170
Okay. Plan "B"--
we attack the symptoms.
396
00:15:39,125 --> 00:15:40,325
This should keep
your hands dry...
397
00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:43,287
And springtime fresh, hour after hour,
398
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,955
because you are a woman on the go.
399
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,500
Sorry. It's your mother's
antiperspirant.
400
00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:50,713
I was in a bind.
401
00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:52,962
What the heck-- you're in the
pits anyway.
402
00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:02,001
Oh, no-- clammy hands!
403
00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:06,924
Plan "C"-- hypnosis.
404
00:16:08,875 --> 00:16:11,495
Look deep into my eyes.
405
00:16:11,583 --> 00:16:13,293
You are sleepy.
406
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:16,535
You're not in Mrs. Helperman's
fourth-grade classroom.
407
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:18,915
You're in the foreign legion,
marching--
408
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,080
marching
in the dry desert heat.
409
00:16:21,166 --> 00:16:23,916
Sapped of every ounce of liquid,
you're parched.
410
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,540
When I snap my fingers,
you will awaken,
411
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,875
and your hands will be dry.
412
00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:30,209
Anything?
413
00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:31,421
Nope.
414
00:16:38,375 --> 00:16:40,955
Nothing's working.
What am I gonna do?
415
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,331
Hey, pal, don't get down on
yourself.
416
00:16:43,417 --> 00:16:44,997
We're only up to plan "D."
417
00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:47,463
There's 26 letters in the alphabet.
418
00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:48,962
Ergo, 22 letters remain.
419
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,381
I don't have time
for 22 plans.
420
00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:52,958
The dance is tomorrow!
421
00:16:52,959 --> 00:16:54,169
That's okay.
422
00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:57,000
I couldn't come up with 22 plans anyway.
423
00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:58,333
I do have one plan.
424
00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:00,827
I was saving it for last.
425
00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:02,707
It's crazy, but...
426
00:17:02,792 --> 00:17:05,132
Just crazy enough to work.
427
00:17:05,208 --> 00:17:06,878
What is it?
I'll try anything.
428
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,249
It's called the truth.
429
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:11,003
You're gonna have to face Leslie
and tell her the truth,
430
00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,213
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth.
431
00:17:13,291 --> 00:17:14,921
That's your plan?
432
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,830
"I'm a sweaty-palmed,
square-dancing freak."
433
00:17:18,917 --> 00:17:21,287
Not exactly
the words I'd use,
434
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,375
but you get the gist.
435
00:17:32,625 --> 00:17:36,205
Oh, everybody looks so
hoedownedly dapper!
436
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,960
Whoa, partner!
Let me corral that cowlick.
437
00:17:43,291 --> 00:17:44,331
Mom!
438
00:17:44,542 --> 00:17:46,132
Scott, what a cute shirt.
439
00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:47,288
It matches my dress.
440
00:17:47,375 --> 00:17:50,705
You have the same taste in
western wear that I do.
441
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,712
Places, everyone!
442
00:17:53,792 --> 00:17:55,882
Listen, son, I know you're
nervous, scared,
443
00:17:55,959 --> 00:17:57,999
got a lot riding on your
shoulders,
444
00:17:58,083 --> 00:18:00,133
feel like you wanna crawl into a
hole and die.
445
00:18:00,208 --> 00:18:02,958
So I'm gonna tell you what my
principal said to me
446
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,501
the first time I stepped out
447
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,753
in front of a square-dancing crowd.
448
00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:07,794
I think it'll help.
449
00:18:07,875 --> 00:18:09,415
Mess this up,
450
00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,750
and I'll hold you back for the
next six years!
451
00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:18,000
Remember, Leonard,
452
00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:20,633
the truth
shall set you free.
453
00:18:20,709 --> 00:18:21,879
This may sound strange
454
00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:24,079
coming from a dog pretending to
be a boy,
455
00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:27,126
but until you let the world see
you as you really are,
456
00:18:27,208 --> 00:18:28,418
sweaty palms and all,
457
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:29,920
you'll never be happy.
458
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,830
I guess you're right.
459
00:18:32,917 --> 00:18:35,037
I've gotta tell the truth.
460
00:18:35,125 --> 00:18:37,035
I've got to tell the truth.
461
00:18:37,125 --> 00:18:40,125
Leslie...I have something to
tell you.
462
00:18:40,208 --> 00:18:42,578
Leonard, I have something to tell you.
463
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,877
You do?
464
00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:48,169
The reason I never wanted to
hold your hands is...
465
00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:49,880
Because I'm embarrassed.
466
00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:52,709
I-I never danced with a boy before,
467
00:18:52,792 --> 00:18:54,712
and my hands got all sweaty.
468
00:18:54,792 --> 00:18:57,542
I thought you would think
I was yucky.
469
00:18:57,625 --> 00:18:58,915
You? Yucky?
470
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,750
Oh, no, Leslie.
I'm yucky.
471
00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:03,634
I'm the yuckiest kid in the class.
472
00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:04,999
The reason I avoided holding your hand
473
00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:07,083
is 'cause my hands
are sweaty.
474
00:19:07,166 --> 00:19:09,536
You're not just saying that to
be nice,
475
00:19:09,625 --> 00:19:11,245
are you, Leonard Helperman?
476
00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,463
No, my hands
are really sweaty.
477
00:19:13,542 --> 00:19:15,042
I've tried everything,
478
00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:18,245
but I guess I'm so nervous,
my hands just sweat.
479
00:19:18,333 --> 00:19:19,793
Mine too!
480
00:19:19,875 --> 00:19:21,035
-Yay!
-Yay!
481
00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:22,455
Ha ha! Yeah!
482
00:19:22,542 --> 00:19:23,672
Can you believe it?
483
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,670
I'm not the only one with sweaty palms.
484
00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:27,000
Leslie's got them, too.
485
00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,543
I guess you've learned
something important, Leonard.
486
00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:31,785
In that sea of sweat, there is an island,
487
00:19:31,875 --> 00:19:34,785
and that island is called
"you are not alone."
488
00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:38,825
Perhaps now you'll understand
why no man is an island.
489
00:19:38,917 --> 00:19:40,997
[feedback]
490
00:19:42,959 --> 00:19:45,579
Ladies and gentlemen,
fellow principals,
491
00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:48,287
I present the East Westland
fourth graders
492
00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:49,995
of Mrs. Helperman's class,
493
00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,713
who will demonstrate a classic
American folk tradition--
494
00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:54,962
the square dance!
495
00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,790
[square-dance music plays]
496
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,245
♪ Bow to your partner,
Reach for their hand ♪
497
00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:12,463
♪ Spin 'em in a circle to the
Beat of the band ♪
498
00:20:12,542 --> 00:20:14,002
♪ Promenade all around the hall ♪
499
00:20:14,083 --> 00:20:16,173
♪ Head on home and do-si-do all ♪
500
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:20,207
You're finished,
Scott Leadready II!
501
00:20:20,291 --> 00:20:23,921
Behold the wrath
of Ian Wazselewski's scorn!
502
00:20:24,625 --> 00:20:26,325
♪ Let go of that girl,
She's full of germs ♪
503
00:20:26,417 --> 00:20:28,577
♪ Wiggle on the floor like a
Bunch of worms ♪
504
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:30,377
♪ Spin Scott Leadready till he's dizzy ♪
505
00:20:30,458 --> 00:20:31,918
♪ Muss his hair and make it frizzy ♪
506
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,670
[snorts, laughs]
507
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:36,540
♪ Allemande left and stick out your tush ♪
508
00:20:36,625 --> 00:20:39,205
♪ When Scott comes along,
Just give him a push ♪
509
00:20:39,291 --> 00:20:40,961
[audience gasps]
510
00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:42,291
[gasping]
511
00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:47,125
[weakly]
Keep dancing.
512
00:20:47,208 --> 00:20:49,498
The show must go on!
513
00:20:49,583 --> 00:20:51,213
[cheering]
514
00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:53,921
[square-dance music plays]
515
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,040
Son, you are gifted.
516
00:21:02,125 --> 00:21:04,785
Never before have I witnessed
such an exquisite call.
517
00:21:04,875 --> 00:21:08,955
You have a brilliant future
in the dance we call "square"!
518
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,540
Be strong, Jolly.
519
00:21:13,625 --> 00:21:15,535
Ugh! Ugh!
I want it.
520
00:21:15,625 --> 00:21:19,375
But I mustn't!
Oh, please give me strength!
521
00:21:19,458 --> 00:21:21,208
[grunting]
522
00:21:28,583 --> 00:21:31,633
Oh, dearie--
he really doesn't like it.
523
00:21:31,709 --> 00:21:34,289
I guess my little soy milk
experiment didn't work.
524
00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:36,785
Soy milk?
Are you kidding me?
525
00:21:36,875 --> 00:21:39,035
No wonder my tummy
was upset.
526
00:21:39,125 --> 00:21:41,415
I don't drink milk
from beans.
527
00:21:44,875 --> 00:21:46,075
Moo!
528
00:21:46,166 --> 00:21:50,036
Ah, ambrosia--
sweet nectar of the gods!
529
00:21:51,625 --> 00:21:53,495
Mmm.
530
00:21:53,583 --> 00:21:56,173
Nothing-- not a sound.
531
00:21:56,250 --> 00:21:58,750
Whoo-hoo! Hallelujah!
532
00:21:58,834 --> 00:22:00,714
Peace at last!
533
00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:05,830
Well, guess we'll have to get
that extra weight
534
00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,997
off my little purry-wurry
with a diet.
535
00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:09,753
Huh?
536
00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:12,084
Ohh!
37663
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