All language subtitles for Teachers.Pet.S02E09_English

♪ Born on the wrong end
Of the leash ♪

-♪ He was a dreamer ♪
-♪ And a little schemer ♪

♪ A nutty mutt
living a dog's life ♪

♪ But when he'd hear
the bell for school ♪

♪ He'd start to drool ♪

-♪ One day he says ♪
-♪ I'll take a chance ♪

♪ Trades his leash
For a pair of pants ♪

♪ In a glance, school becomes
His favorite pastime ♪

♪ I have buried a bone
For the last time ♪

-♪ He says ♪
-♪ I want to be a boy ♪

♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪

♪ He's so over just being rover ♪

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ It's so weird ♪
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy
♪

♪ Turns out he's a
regular Einstein ♪

♪ And Leonard is
treading a fine line ♪

Why can't I be a normal kid
like any other?

Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.

♪ I want to be a boy ♪

I hate dogs.

♪ I gotta be a boy ♪

♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪

I do not wish to be a dog.

♪ Now this bowser's
ready for trousers ♪

♪ I got to be a boy ♪

♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪

♪ This teacher's pet
is gonna be a boy ♪

Yes!

[chirping]

118...

119...

[panting]

Spot, you got to be tired
of this by now.

Oh, a dog may tire
of rawhide chewies,

he may tire of baying
at the moon.

But as sure as our phylum
is canis familiaris,

we will never tire of the grand,
old game of fetch-it.

Throw.

I don't get what you see
in this stupid game, anyway.

It's just the same thing

over and over and
over and over and--

Yeah. Ain't it great?

I wasn't finished--
and over and over and over.

The problem is, Leonard,

you seem to be missing the
subtleties of this fine sport.

Observe--

the thrower rears back--
click!

The fetcher hones in on the ball's
force and probable trajectory.

Zap! The thrower heaves it.
Zip!

The fetcher hurdles himself
after it, tracking like radar!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Wait! He's misjudged it!

Scurry, scurry,
scurry, stretch!

He tries to get traction!

He slams on the brakes, makes
a leap backward, and grabs it!

The crowd goes nuts--
ahhh!

Oh, baby, it doesn't get
any better than this!

Right. Then
he trots back and drops

a spit-soaked,
filthy, disgusting ball

on the thrower's shoe.

Oh. I see what you're saying.
You want a little taste.

Me? Gimme a break.

I'm not gonna run
after some dumb--

Go!

[muffled] That was great!
Throw it again!

Well, I don't know.

It's getting
kind of boring

throwing it over
and over and--

Go!

[chuckles]

Good boy.

Man, there's
nothing good to do.

Yeah. We've done it all.

Played it all.

Yeah, picked it off
and eaten it all.

[slurping]

Hey, how about a game
of capture the flag?

[all] Did it.

Dodge ball?!

[all] Did it.

Foursquare?

[all] Did it.

Saliva tag?!

[exhales] "How weary, stale,
flat, and unprofitable

seem to me all the uses
of this world"--

"Hamlet," Act 1, Scene 2.

Man, that's deep.
What does it mean?

It means I'm so bored now,

even a drink of water
sounds more interesting.

Where does he get
all this stuff?

It's called "reading,"
fellas!

Um, you know, yesterday,

I was kind of playing a sort of
fun new game.

Leonard, you have an idea?

Don't say it!
Don't say it!

You can't risk looking like a dork

if they all think
it's a dumb idea.

Don't listen to him.
You got a fun, new game.

Put it out there.
Go for it!

Yeah, but
if it comes from you,

everyone will think
it's totally lame,

'cause you never think
of anything good.

Yeah, he's right.
You're such a loser--

hey, wait. Now you've got me
talking like you.

Come on, take a shot.

What's the worst that can
happen?

Fetch-it ball.

Did you just sneeze?

No, Leslie, I didn't sneeze.

I just suggested a new game
we could all play.

Who just said that?

Hurry up!

I can't hold him
much longer!

Fetch-it ball?

Sounds cool.

How do you play it, dude?

Oh, well, um,
it's really easy.

One person throws the ball,

and the other person chases it
and brings it back.

Are they on different teams?

Sure, why not?

We'll have the thrower team
and the fetcher team.

I call thrower!

I got fetcher!

I call first fetch!

Guys, guys, everyone's gonna get
a chance to throw and fetch,

'cause the teams switch sides

every inning--
quarter--round?

This game has inning
quarter round periods?

Yeah, but we just call them
"roundies" for short.

Come on.
Let's go play.

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Okay, now, if you fetch the ball
before it hits the ground,

it's worth, um, 5 points--
oh, and a free fetch.

But if it bounces, then you lose
your free fetch

and take away one point
for each time it bounced.

I'll show you.
Tyler, throw me the ball.

Ahh!

Ugh!

That's called a "headie."

The fetcher gets
10 points for that,

plus a free throw
back to the thrower,

who has to fetch it now.

Ready?

[laughs]
Faking's fair. Go!

-Fetch that ball! Hey!
-Fetch that ball! Hey!

-Fetch that ball!
-Fetch that ball!

[all] He's no fetcher!
Find a better catcher!

[children laughing]

Ahh. Well, that was a long,
but boring drink.

[gasps]

Fetch it! Go, man!

Oh, botched fetch.

My Nana can fetch better
than you.

Oh, yeah? Bring her on!
I can outfetch her any day!

Come on, everybody.

Let's just call a refetch
and get on with the game.

[gasps]

Do my eyes deceive me?
What in blue blazes--

Can it possibly be?

Perhaps I should shut up
and just go find out.

Hey, hey, what up?
What are we doing?

Playing fetch-it ball.

That's what I thought.
I love this game!

Yeah. Leonard invented it
all by himself.

Can you believe it?
He had the coolest idea

anybody ever had on this whole
playground ever!

Leonard invented it?

Well, good for Leonard.

He finally got himself a little
bit of recognition.

Yeah, for your great idea.

[all chanting] Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard! Leonard!

Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard! Leonard!

Scott! Scott! Scott!

You're the one they should be
cheering and huzzahing.

Why, weak Scott,
I do believe you're jealous.

Me? Jealous? Don't be
ridiculous, strong Scott.

I'm nothing like jealous.

I don't have a jealous bone
in my body!

Of course I'm jealous!

I have every right
to be jealous!

Are you with me?!
Are we jealous or what?!

Don't listen to him.

Don't give in to such a petty
human emotion as jealousy.

Too late.

[bell rings]

Oh, man, we were just
starting to have

the best recess game
of our lives.

That's okay, Leslie. Everyone,
we can play again after school.

Yeah!

Yeah!

And maybe we'll challenge those
big, bragging fifth graders

to a little
fetch-it ball match--

see how good they are
at our game.

You mean your game, Leonard.
You deserve all the credit.

Oh, gee--I mean, gosh--
I mean, gee.

Well, well, well.

You go for a little drink
of water,

and you find out
who your real friends are.

Oh, Scott, there you are.

Shoot, you missed
the whole game.

But that's okay.
We're playing again later.

You want to be on my team?

Oh, gee. I don't know.
What if I'm not any good?

I mean, fetch-it ball
is your game,

isn't it,
old Mr. Leonard Doubleday--

or is that "double cross"?!

What are you talking about?

Abner Doubleday--
1818 to 1893--

the noted civil war general
commonly credited

with inventing our
all-American pastime--

the great game of baseball--

in Cooperstown, New York,
circa 1839.

But in reality,

history shows that the vaunted
Mr. Doubleday

did not know a baseball
from a kumquat.

The truth is that baseball
really evolved

from the English game
of rounders

and was adapted into the game we
now know and love

by the little-known,
unheralded

Mr. Alexander Cartwright.

[all chanting] Abner Doubleday!
Abner Doubleday! Abner Doubleday!

Who's that?

[Leonard] I never heard of him.

My point exactly.

And how do you think

that made poor, old
Al Cartwright feel, pallie?

Poor, old Mr. Cartwright.

That must have been really tough
to have done something great,

like bring a whole new game
to the world,

and then not get any
credit for it.

I knew you'd see my point.

I sure am glad everyone knows

I'm the guy who invented
fetch-it ball.

Y-You did not!
That's my game!

What are you talking about,
Scott?

Your game was fetch-it.
I'm the one who added the ball.

There was already a ball!

You just added the word "ball"
to "fetch-it"

and--and called it a game!

A team sport, which I turned it
into myself

while you were getting
a drink of water.

And you're just jealous, 'cause
for once in my life,

I thought of something new

that everyone thinks is the
funnest game they ever played!

For the nonce, little boy,
for the nonce--

enjoy your moment
in the sun.

There's a funner game
a-coming,

just as soon
as I think it up.

Good afternoon, everybody.

It's a beautiful day out here

at the empty lot across from
the Helperman's house.

And don't you know, the
fourth-grade fetch-it ballers

are ready to rock and roll!!

[coughing]

[hoarsely]
We will now have a short pause

while I enjoy a mentholated
throat lozenge.

Let's play
some fetch-it ball!

[all cheer]

A game, a game, a game--

and it's got to be
a good one.

And it's got to be fun.

And it's got to destroy
fetch-it ball.

What is it? What is it?
Come on, think.

Fetch the stick?
Fetch the piece of hot dog?

Fetch the rolled-up dirty socks?
Oh, my goodness!

Realization--
they're all the same.

Every good dog game is just
a variation

on the classic, much better
game of fetch-it.

I might as well face it.
We live to fetch and eat.

Hey--eat-it ball?

Nah.

Oh, spot, you're thinking
just so in the box.

What makes
fetch-it ball a hit

is it's completely original.

There's nothing else like it.

Now, if you really want
to get their attention,

you need something just
as unique.

If I may, we cats have a game
we love,

and I think it might

take your little fourth-grade
sports nuts by storm.

Tell. Tell!

Well, the first player picks up

a little cloth mouse
filled with catnip.

Yeah?

And he throws it far, far, far
away as he can.

So, the other player
must run like the wind.

He captures that mouse
and returns to player one,

so he might throw it again.

And this would be different
from fetch-it ball how?

Well, if you have to ask a
question like that,

you obviously know nothing
about catnip.

Mmm. Mmm. Catnip.

Sure would be sweet to roll on
my cheek

and drool
on some catty catty nip nip.

Where did I put it last?

Oy, him and his toys.

A game, a game. A game!

Ahem.

What?

Well, aren't you gonna ask me
what birds like to play?

Everyone knows we're the most
playful species on earth.

You teach those kids
one of our great bird games,

they'll be bowing at your feet
and kissing your ring, baby!

Okay, you got me. I'm desperate.
What do birds like to play?

[whistles]

Come on, boys.
Let's show him.

First, you all get together
and stand in a big line.

See? What are you doing,
schlepper? Write this down.

Okay, okay.

Dogs.

Then whoever's the leader

gives some kind
of prearranged signal.

[honks]

Good. Signals are good.

Then you all break into
a dead run.

Excellent. What's a sport
without running?

And you get up to the very top
speed you can feasibly attain.

I love it!

This is gonna make Leonard's
fetch-it ball look so lame!

At the last possible second,

you spread your wings,
take off into the air,

and fly as fast as you can,

under the phone wires,
around the trees,

over the rooftops.

Pretty Boy, Pretty Boy...

We can't play that game.

Kids can't fly.

Doesn't make it
not a great game!

[clock ticking]

A game, a game. A game!

Maybe if I had
a little drink of water.

It'll clear my head.
No, wait.

Going for a little drink of water
was how this whole mess started.

Oh, great.
Now I'm miserable and thirsty.

Hey, is there a game in that?

Oh, man, this fetch-it ball
is the bomb!

I thought all fourth graders
were lame twerps,

but, Helperman, you
thought of an awesome game.

Thanks, Max.

Fifth grade--66 points,
fourth grade--zilch.

We're up.

Thanks a lot.

[all cheering]

Ugh!

Score!

Fifth grade--67,
fourth grade--zero.

I don't think that's how
the game is supposed to go.

Give me flying any day.

Fifth grade--68,
fourth grade--zip.

Ugh!

Hey! That's not part
of the game!

Fifth grade--69,
fourth grade--zip.

[groans]

We're here
just before halftime

with the inventor
of fetch-it ball.

Tell me, Leonard, is the fact
that you're here,

lying facedown in the mud,
losing 69 to 0,

part of some overall
fourth-grade strategy,

or was this all
just a huge mistake?

And can we look forward
to you running home,

pulling the covers
over your head,

and crying yourself
to sleep?

We're not giving up.

We're coming back
in the second half. Ugh!

[slurping]

[gulps]

Mmm.

Clay-based,

but without the annoying
sulfur aftertaste.

[Max] Fifth grade--70,
fourth grade--zip.

[slurping]

Well, if I'm not gonna think of
a new game,

and I'm not gonna have
a drink of water,

I guess I'll just have to--

Hey! Whoa! And aha!
That's it!

Why didn't I think
of it before?

[Max] Whoo! And at the half,

it's fifth grade--72,
fourth grade--zip.

See what I mean about ugly?
This is a massacre.

Pretty Boy,
what if the earth,

instead of being a complex
planet teeming with life,

is really
just a tiny molecule

on some giant's fingernail?

All right, that's it.

And this is the last time
I'm taking you to a ballgame!

[mouse squeaks]

[Max] Oh, I'm sorry.

There was a mistake in the
scorekeeping.

It's fifth grade--82,
fourth grade--zip.

Oy, this is pathetic.
Spot, you got to do something.

Spot?

Spot?

Okay. This is
the left end line.

If any part of your body
touches it,

you're out of bounds

with a 2-yard penalty assessed
to the next go-round

this sounds way better than that
decrepit fetch-it ball.

Come on, let's just play.

You're going down, mister.
You're gonna eat my dust!

You're gonna be running home
to mama, crying,

"Ian wiped the floor
with me!"

I'm thinking of adding a 5-yard
penalty for trash talking.

May the best man win.

[squishes]

Mm-hmm.

-Okay.
-Ready... set...

Go!

See? Isn't this fun?

Are you kidding me?

This makes losing fetch-it ball
82 to zip look fun.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Speaking of which, it's almost
time for the second half!

I got a hunger for some mud!

Abandoned
by Ian Wazselewski--

the low point in my career
as a boy.

Psst. Fur face, there you are.
Get over here!

What do you want?

The fourth-grade team
is dying out there!

Yeah, I heard--82 to zip.

Maybe they'd do better at a
game they didn't steal.

You know, you were a lot more
fun when you were just a dog.

My point is, you're the only one
who can save them, Scott.

You're the greatest fetch-it
ballplayer in the world.

If you don't get them
out of this,

your best friend may never be
able to hold his head up again.

And if he can't hold
his head up,

how's he gonna
feed the bird?

Or toss my beloved
catnip mouse?

Will you shack it already?

I've had it up to
here with the mouse.

So, what do you say, Scott?

Well...

Say no--
let Leonard twist in the wind

with his precious
fetch-it ball.

That'll show him for not giving you
credit where credit's due.

Don't listen to your weaker
self, Scott.

He'll just have you sitting here
all alone and moping by yourself.

Be strong.
Rise above your jealousy.

You're a dog first,
loyal and true.

And there's nothing you love
more than playing fetch--

I mean, there's nothing you
love more than Leonard.

Okay!

I'll play for the team.

Really? That's great,
just great!

Boy, those fifth graders are really
gonna see some fetch-it ball now.

I'll play
with one small proviso.

Proviso?

It means "condition."

I guess I should have said
"condition,"

but "proviso" is a much
cooler-sounding word,

and you hardly ever get to use
it in daily conversation.

What is it?
What's the condition?

Well, before we start
the second half,

you have to tell them
I thought of the game.

Now? Here?!
But I'll look so lame!

That's my condition.

I mean, I admit,

maybe I should have said
it was both of our game

way back in the beginning.

Boy, was that just today?

Everything happened so fast,

and everyone was having so much
fun and liking me so much

that--I don't know--
it just never came up.

But if it comes up now, Scott,
won't I just look dumb?

One man's dumb is another man's
rightful credit

for inventing a great game that
everyone loves and wants to win.

Oh, okay.

Well, now are you happy?

Ooh, yeah!

Um, team, before we start the
second half,

there's, uh, something
I have to tell you.

-Yeah, Captain?
-What is it, boss?

Are you okay, Leonard?

Um, well, no, I'm not okay.

See, this is really
embarrassing,

but, well, you guys,
I didn't really think of--

I mean, I can't take
the credit for--

I mean, Scott's really
the one who--who--

who's been secretly drilling
and practicing nonstop

and is now ready
to get out there

and lead
the fourth-grade team

to a surprise
comeback victory

in the game my best friend,
Leonard, invented.

[cheers and applause]

But which I never would have
thought of

if my best friend, Scott,

hadn't actually fetched
the first fetch-it ball

in the first place.

So, really, your applause and
almost all of the credit

should go to him.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, thank you,

but, no, it was
my best friend, Leonard,

who turned it into the sport
you so love,

so let's hear it for him!

[cheers and applause]

No. Now, to be fair,

if you're going to applaud
anyone, it should be--

my hands are starting
to turn red!

Could we just play ball?!

Go!

[blows]

-Yay, Leonard and Scott!
-Yay, Leonard and Scott!

The sun is a-shining,
not a cloud in the sky.

Pal o'mine, it's another great
fetch-it ball morning.

Look, everyone's
already out playing--

hey, wait a minute.

That doesn't look
like fetch-it ball.

Hi, Scott. Hi, Leonard.
Come play Ian's great new game.

All you have to do is
run around in circles,

sit down on the ground,
and see

who can bite the backside of
their own leg fastest.

It's really fun.

Ian, I'd like to have
a word with you.

[Ian] Uh-oh.

[laughing]

I wonder if Edison
had this problem.