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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
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FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM...
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>> Susan: MOVE THEM TO
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NEW YORK CITY...
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>> David: AND GIVE THEM THEIR
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OWN REALITY SHOW?
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>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO
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>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON
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"DELOCATED"...
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>> SPECIAL DELIVERY FLYING IN.
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>> Jon: JUST GIVE ME THE [BLEEP]
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ENVELOPE, JAY.
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GET OUT!
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JAY, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?
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SHOULDN'T YOU BE BACK AT THE
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DESK?
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>> I CAME TO SEE SUPPORT YOU.
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>> WHY ARE YOU HERE, TODD BARRY?
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WHY DO YOU BOTHER COMING HERE
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ALL THE TIME?
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>> I GUESS THAT ACE YOU WERE
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HOPING FOR IS TODD BURIED IN THE
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DECK SOMEWHERE, HUH?
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> VERY FUNNY JOKE. YES, SIR.
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UM...JUST PUT THIS ON MY TAB,
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ALL RIGHT?
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I'M GONNA GO DO A SET.
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CATCH YOU GUYS LATER.
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>> I HOPE YOU, UH, BURY THE
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CROWD TONIGHT.
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T HEARD
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THAT, SERIOUSLY, SINCE SECOND
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GRADE.
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SERIOUSLY, THAT'S, UM, THAT'S
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GREAT STUFF.
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DO YOU KNOW ABOUT SECOND GRADE?
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SCHOOL -- IT'S WHERE YOU GO TO
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GET SMARTS.
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THEN WHEN YOU GET SMART, YOU GET
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A GOOD CAREER, MAYBE END UP IN A
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FILM THAT'S IN THE VENICE FILM
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FESTIVAL AND WINS THE WHOLE
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FESTIVAL.
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AND THEN YOU HOOK UP WITH CLASSY
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WOMEN.
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BUT I'M SURE YOU GUYS MUST MEET
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CLASSY WOMEN, BEING CRIMINALS
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AND ALL THAT, NOT SKANKY AT ALL,
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I BET.
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HEY, WHAT'S UP?
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I GOT TO GO DO A SET.
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>> YOU NO LONGER HAVE TAB.
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DEBT TOO HIGH.
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YOU PAY IMMEDIATELY.
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>> I DON'T THINK THERE ARE ANY
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BANKS OPEN AT THIS HOUR, AND I
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DON'T THINK I CAN GET $30,000
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FROM AN A.T.M., EITHER.
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>> SO GO HOME AND GET IT.
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>> NO, I DON'T HAVE $30,000
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CASH.
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I'M A CIVILIZED PERSON.
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WE DON'T HAVE $30,000 --
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WHAT THE [BLEEP]
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>> THIS BULLET...
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GOING IN YOUR HEAD!
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OR JON'S HEAD.
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YOUR CHOICE, TODD BARRY.
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>> JON'S HEAD, JON'S HEAD.
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>> Jon: I AM PSYCHED TO TRY
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THESE NEW RUNNING SHOES.
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CUSTOM-FITTED TO EACH FOOT.
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500 BONE-A-ROOS A POP.
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TOTALLY WORTH IT.
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CHECK IT OUT.
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LOOKING GOOD, RIGHT?
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>> GREAT. WANT TO GO?
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>> Jon: PART OF THE ENSEMBLE
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WORKING, HEAD-TO-TOE TOTAL
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PACKAGE.
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>> FANTASTIC. COME ON.
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ALL RIGHT, LET'S HIT IT.
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>> Jon: LET'S BUST A SNEAKER
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CHERRY IN THESE BAD BOYS.
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WHOO! LET'S DO IT!
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[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
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WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THIS?
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"JON, CONGRATS ON YOUR TWO-YEAR
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ANNIVERSARY IN THE BUILDING.
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HERE'S TO A DELICIOUS START TO
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TWO MORE YEARS.
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FROM JAY, THE DOORMAN."
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>> OH, THAT'S NICE.
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>> Jon: [BLEEP] JAY.
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JAY!
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>> HEY, JON.
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I SEE YOU GOT THE SCONES.
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MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE ME TO THE
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SCONE ZONE LATER, YOU KNOW, LIKE
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THE BONE ZONE THAT YOU'RE ALWAYS
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TALKING ABOUT.
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I THOUGHT ABOUT WRITING THAT ON
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THE CARD.
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I, UH, GOT THE BASKET DOWN IN
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CHINATOWN.
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THERE'S A LOT OF CUTE SHOPS DOWN
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THERE.
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>> Jon: ARE YOU DONE? YES?
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>> YEAH.
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>> Jon: THIS IS EXACTLY HOW
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PEOPLE RUIN THEIR BRAND-NEW
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RUNNING SHOES BEFORE GETTING TO
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TAKE THEM ON THEIR VIRGIN RUN,
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OKAY?
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AND HOW MANY TIMES CAN I TELL
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YOU THAT I [BLEEP] HATE SCONES?
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>> I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE A NICE
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WAY TO START YOUR MORNING.
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>> Jon: HERE'S HOW I LIKE TO
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START MY DAY, JAY -- WITH A
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BAGEL, OKAY?
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AN EVERYTHING BAGEL, TOASTED,
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WITH BUTTER.
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>> YOU EVER FIRE ONE OF THESE
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BEFORE?
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>> NO, I HAVEN'T.
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YOU KNOW WHAT?
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CAN'T WE JUST GO TO A BANK OR
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SOMETHING AND GET A LOAN?
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>> JUST THINK OF ME AS BANK, AND
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THIS IS INTEREST.
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ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS RELAX,
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AIM, AND SHOOT.
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>> A RIPE HEIRLOOM TOMATO,
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SLICED NICELY WITH A TOMATO
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KNIFE.
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>> HANG ON. I GOT TO TAKE THIS.
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IT'S MY THERAPIST.
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YOU KNOW, I HAD THIS CRAZY DREAM
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LAST NIGHT, WHERE I WAS RIDING
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THIS TANDEM BICYCLE WITH SUSAN,
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AND THEN WE THROUGH THIS, LIKE,
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STICKY RAIN CLOUD.
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AND THEN SHE WAS RIDING ME.
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I WAS THE BIKE.
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HANG ON. HELLO?
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YEAH.
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>> Jon: I USE A TOMATO KNIFE,
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'CAUSE THEY'RE DESIGNED TO CUT
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TOMATOES.
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>> IT'S LIKE THE FOURTH TIME
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I'VE HAD THE DREAM NOW, AND...
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>> DON'T WORRY, TODD BARRY.
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I HAVE FULL CONFIDENCE IN YOU.
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>> Jon: [ Slowly ] ALSO, IF I
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EVER USE CREAM CHEESE, WHICH IS
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NOT OFTEN, I LIKE CAPERS.
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YOU PUT THE CAPERS IN BEFORE YOU
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SPREAD.
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YOU DON'T TRY TO SMEAR THE
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CAPERS...
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JON!
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[ GUNSHOT ]
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[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
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>> SHOTS FIRED.
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LOCATION -- TANGO, ALPHA.
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MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!
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>> Jon: JAY?!
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JAY!
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>> THE BULLET LODGED IN A NERVE
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NEAR THE SPINE, WHICH IS CAUSING
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THE PARALYSIS.
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>> JESUS.
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>> I'M SORRY.
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[ MONITOR BEEPING ]
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>> WHAT YOU DID, JAY, WAS BRAVE.
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VERY BRAVE.
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WE'VE DECIDED TO MAKE YOU...
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AN HONORARY MEMBER OF THE FBI.
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AND WE'VE DECIDED TO MAKE YOU AN
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HONORARY MEMBER OF THE [BLEEP]
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UP COMMITTEE.
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THAT'S TWO STRIKES, ROB.
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YOU DEAL WITH YOUR PERSONAL
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PROBLEMS ON YOUR OWN TIME.
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>> WELL...THAT GUY NEEDS TO
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LEARN SOME PEOPLE SKILLS, AM I
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RIGHT?
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>> Jon: TWO STRIKES?
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>> TRUST ME -- IT WAS NOTHING
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>> Jon: I DON'T WANT PEOPLE WITH
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STRIKES GUARDING ME AND MY
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FAMILY, ROB.
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UNLESS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
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BOWLING, AND THEN I WANT ALL
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STRIKES, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE HE
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WAS TALKING ABOUT BASEBALL.
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HOW YOU DOING, JAY?
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YOU NEED SOME MORE WATER OR
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ANYTHING?
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>> UH, SURE, JON. THANKS.
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>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]
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>> That should have been my
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bullet.
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Okay?
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I'm the one that should be
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getting the glory right now, not
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you.
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The whole thing makes me look
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real bad, my friend.
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One more strike and I'm out.
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>> SO IT WAS BASEBALL.
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LOOK, YOU WERE ON THE PHONE.
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I WAS JUST REACTING.
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>> "I WAS JUST REACTING."
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YEAH, HOGGING THE SPOTLIGHT'S A
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LITTLE MORE LIKE IT, ISN'T IT?
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>> Jon: HOG A WHAT?
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>> WHAT? NO, IT'S JUST, UH...
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JUST A COUPLE OF FELLOW
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BULLET-TAKERS TALKING SHOP, YOU
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KNOW?
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>> Jon: OH, YEAH?
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ALL RIGHT. LITTLE SHOP TALK.
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>> LITTLE SHOP TALK.
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>> Jon: HEY, THAT'S GREAT, JAY.
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HERE YOU GO.
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DRINK UP, LITTLE GUY.
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OKAY.
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ALMOST FORGOT -- GOT SOME
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LIFE SAVERS FOR THE LIFESAVER.
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>> HEY.
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>> Jon: LIVE SAVER MUSTACHE.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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I'LL LEAVE THEM RIGHT HERE ON
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THE BED, OKAY?
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I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
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I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW.
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OKAY? YOU TAKE IT EASY.
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LET'S GO.
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>> [ GROANS ]
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[ GROANS ]
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>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TO
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DOCTOR.
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>> I NEVER BEEN SHOT BEFORE!
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>> WELL, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
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SHOT ANYONE BEFORE.
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I GOT SAY IT WAS A RUSH, THOUGH.
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I MEAN, WHEN WE WERE IN THAT CAR
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AFTERWARDS, I TOTALLY HAD A
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BONER.
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>> BEE-YOOP!
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> I REMEMBER BY FIRST DEATH
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ERECTION.
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>> OH, DEATH ERECTION.
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I LIKE THAT.
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>> [ GROANS ]
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>> ALL THESE YEARS I'VE BEEN
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TAKING VIAGRA, I COULD HAVE JUST
265
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:47,904
BEEN KILLING PEOPLE.
266
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:48,701
>> [ LAUGHS ]
267
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:49,902
>> YOU'RE A FUNNY GUY,
268
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,343
TODD BARRY.
269
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:54,108
I'M GLAD YOU HAD BONER.
270
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:56,507
>> Jon: OKAY, JAY, HOME SWEET
271
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:56,940
HOME.
272
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,614
>> DO YOU HAVE A NURSE STARTING
273
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,352
FOR ME TOMORROW?
274
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,717
>> Jon: I DID YOU ONE BETTER,
275
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:02,275
ACTUALLY.
276
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,952
I GOT YOU A FULL-TIME DOCTOR.
277
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,962
"PAGING DR. JON. PAGING DR. JON.
278
00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:09,185
CODE BLUE.
279
00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:12,029
PARALYZED GUY NEEDS TENDING TO
280
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:12,885
STAT."
281
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:17,433
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
282
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:22,200
LOOK...
283
00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,102
I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF YOU.
284
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,214
I'M GONNA HELP YOU WALK AGAIN,
285
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,406
EVEN IF IT TAKES UNTIL THE DAY I
286
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,808
DIE.
287
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:35,881
UNLESS YOU DIE FIRST.
288
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:39,893
LET'S GET SOME SLEEP.
289
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:46,327
* OOH DA DE DA DE DA-DUM
290
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:53,096
* OOH DO DA DE DA DO
291
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:58,610
* GO TO SLEEP, MY LITTLE JAY
292
00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:07,276
* DO NOT MAKE A PEEP
293
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,646
>> TODD, I WOULD LOVE TO OPEN
294
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,791
FOR YOU ON THE ROAD SOMETIME.
295
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:13,946
>> OH, MAN. UH, MAYBE.
296
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:14,764
I DON'T KNOW.
297
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,115
I JUST DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE
298
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,663
READY YET.
299
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,967
WHAT'S THIS?
300
00:09:28,969 --> 00:09:31,239
>> JUST OPEN.
301
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:40,277
>> IT'S OBVIOUS YOU LIKE.
302
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:40,880
>> YEAH.
303
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,551
BUT, UH, I JUST -- WHY ARE YOU
304
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,219
BUYING ME PRESENTS WHEN I STILL
305
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,147
OWE YOU MONEY?
306
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,992
>> IT'S NOT PRESENT.
307
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,617
IT'S TO HELP PAY OFF DEBT.
308
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,391
>> Jon: PAGING DR. SCONE.
309
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,803
PAGING DR. SCONE.
310
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,955
NEED YOU TO GET IN JAY'S BELLY
311
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:57,564
STAT.
312
00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:58,734
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
313
00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,732
HERE WE GO.
314
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:00,873
LOOK AT THAT.
315
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,998
OOH! YUMMY.
316
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,073
HOW'S THAT LOOK, HUH?
317
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:05,872
>> GOOD.
318
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,043
>> Jon: READY?
319
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,910
[ IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE
320
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:10,579
WHIRRING ]
321
00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:12,507
[ IMITATES CRASHING ]
322
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:15,122
OH, YEAH.
323
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:41,165
HEY! BATH TIME.
324
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,844
WHO'S READY TO GET CLEAN?
325
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:43,883
>> YEAH, I AM.
326
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:44,847
>> Jon: OKAY.
327
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:46,675
WELL, LET'S GET THESE UNDIES
328
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,420
OFF YOU, HUH?
329
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,786
UH...
330
00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,019
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
331
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,764
UM...
332
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,067
JUST GONNA GRAB SOMETHING REAL
333
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:06,866
QUICK, OKAY?
334
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,267
UH, HEY, ROB?
335
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,299
UH, CAN YOU WATCH JAY FOR A SEC?
336
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,114
>> YEAH, SURE.
337
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,666
>> Jon: THANKS.
338
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,823
>> MY GOD.
339
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:23,815
>> Jon: OKAY, YOU, UH -- YOU CAN
340
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:24,917
DO THIS.
341
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:27,818
HE SAVED YOUR LIFE, AND YOU ARE
342
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,461
GONNA WASH THAT HUGE DONG.
343
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:30,756
I CAN'T. I WILL NOT.
344
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,488
YOU WILL.
345
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,331
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS.
346
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:36,156
CLEAN THIS DONG...ON THE COUNT
347
00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:37,633
OF 45.
348
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:40,230
HEY, JAY, I FOUND IT.
349
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:40,833
OKAY, WHO'S READY TO GET CLEAN?
350
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:51,081
>> Well, I can, um...
351
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,478
Well, can I have an emergency
352
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,919
session?
353
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,445
Well, no, but I really need to
354
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,990
speak to you.
355
00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,786
No, I'm telling you -- his dong
356
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:03,188
is nuts.
357
00:12:03,190 --> 00:12:05,430
>> TELL THEM I SENT YOU.
358
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,625
>> WHO IS IT?
359
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,456
>> IT DOES NOT MATTER.
360
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:09,931
YOU WILL BE FINE.
361
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:12,130
THEY CANNOT SEE ME LIKE THIS.
362
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,332
I CANNOT SHOW WEAKNESS.
363
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:32,049
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?
364
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:33,992
>> I'M HERE TO COLLECT FOR
365
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:34,717
SERGEI.
366
00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:37,021
>> SERGEI SENT YOU?
367
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,467
DON'T I KNOW YOU?
368
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,165
>> I DON'T KNOW, PROBABLY.
369
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,897
>> YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW YOU.
370
00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:49,902
YOU COMEDIAN.
371
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,003
YOU FUNNY GUY.
372
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,514
>> THANK YOU, MONKEY.
373
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:53,365
>> MONKEY.
374
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:56,313
[ Laughing ] MONKEY SEE.
375
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,379
>> THANKS, MONKEY.
376
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,579
>> HOW DID THAT GO?
377
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,851
>> TWO BONERS IN ONE DAY.
378
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,351
IT'S A NEW RECORD.
379
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,492
SERIOUSLY, ALL BONERS ASIDE,
380
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:11,057
I'M...I'M ENJOYING MYSELF.
381
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,888
>> "THE WRESTLER," GROCERY-STORE
382
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:13,563
MANAGER.
383
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:14,860
>> YEAH, THAT WAS ME.
384
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:17,032
>> I KNEW IT.
385
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:21,600
>> OH. THANKS, BUDDY.
386
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,101
>> I KNOW YOU.
387
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:24,743
DAVID LETTERMAN.
388
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,107
"FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS."
389
00:13:27,107 --> 00:13:28,407
>> YEAH.
390
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,678
>> THANK YOU, MAN.
391
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:30,606
"ROAD TRIP."
392
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,680
>> YEAH, I WAS IN THAT, AS WELL.
393
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:35,079
GUY WAS A HUGE FAN OF MINE.
394
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,457
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?
395
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,228
>> I'M HERE TO COLLECT FOR
396
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:47,897
SERGEI.
397
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:53,365
>> SERGEI SENT YOU, HUH?
398
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:57,906
WAIT.
399
00:13:57,905 --> 00:14:00,635
>> THANKS.
400
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,370
[ SIREN CHIRPS ]
401
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:02,244
>> STOP RIGHT THERE!
402
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:03,042
HANDS ON THE HOOD!
403
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:03,943
PUT THEM ON THE HOOD!
404
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:04,744
>> GET OVER THERE.
405
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,054
>> GO TO THE CAR AND PUT THEM ON
406
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:06,546
THE HOOD!
407
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:07,606
>> GET [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE.
408
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:08,384
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
409
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:09,721
HIT IT!
410
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:14,446
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
411
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,957
>> I'M HERE AT THE SCENE OF AN
412
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:17,086
ORGANIZED-CRIME RAID IN
413
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:18,160
BRIGHTON BEACH, WHERE
414
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,328
SOMEWHAT-KNOWN COMEDIAN
415
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:20,626
TODD BARRY WAS ARRESTED FOR
416
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:21,957
RACKETEERING AND CARRYING A
417
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,762
CONCEALED WEAPON.
418
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,596
>> SEE HIM ONSTAGE, AND YOU
419
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,498
DON'T THINK VIOLENT CRIMINAL.
420
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,240
>> LOVE TODD BARRY.
421
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,266
THAT'S TOO BAD.
422
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,070
>> NO NEWS IS BAD NEWS WHEN IT
423
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,842
PASSES THROUGH THOSE BEAUTIFUL
424
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:34,310
LIPS.
425
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:35,837
>> ...THE MOVIE "THE WRESTLER"
426
00:14:35,842 --> 00:14:37,142
AND HIS BIT PARTS ON TV.
427
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,754
THE COMEDIAN HAS NO PREVIOUSLY
428
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,275
KNOWN TIES TO ORGANIZED CRIME.
429
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,510
>> UH-OH.
430
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,254
CRUSH ALERT!
431
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,120
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
432
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,748
>> YOU DID NOT RAT US OUT,
433
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,293
TODD BARRY.
434
00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,458
YOUR DEBT -- ERASED.
435
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:52,827
THANK YOU. SPACIBO.
436
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,455
>> YEAH, BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE
437
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:55,331
ABOUT ALL THAT.
438
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,958
I JUST REALLY WANT TO GET OUT OF
439
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:57,364
HERE.
440
00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:58,274
>> DON'T WORRY.
441
00:14:58,265 --> 00:14:59,625
WE HAVE CONNECTIONS TO GET
442
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:01,172
SENTENCE REDUCED.
443
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:03,868
YOU'RE OUT IN ONE OR 10 DAYS.
444
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,170
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
445
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:07,172
CAN WE MAKE IT MORE LIKE ONE?
446
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,144
'CAUSE, I MEAN, I HAVE A TOUR
447
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,312
STARTING TOMORROW, AND IT'S LIKE
448
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:12,711
35 PRESOLD TICKETS.
449
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:15,052
>> FIRST, YOU HAD DEATH BONER.
450
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:20,288
THEN YOU HAD SCARED BONER.
451
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:24,857
DID YOU GET PRISON BONER YET?
452
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:26,627
>> I SAW A PRISON BONER.
453
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:28,156
>> BEE-YOOP!
454
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,661
[ LAUGHS ]
455
00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:32,003
>> WHY AM I DRESSED LIKE THIS?
456
00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,729
I LOOK RIDICULOUS.
457
00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:35,173
>> Jon: JAY, WHEN THE WOMAN OF
458
00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,668
YOUR DREAMS COMES WALKING IN THE
459
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:37,969
FRONT DOOR, YOU WANT HER TO
460
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:38,671
FOCUS ON YOU.
461
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:40,071
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
462
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,373
>> Jon: I'M TALKING ABOUT A
463
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,384
MEETING BETWEEN YOU AND A
464
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,846
CERTAIN REPORTER THAT YOU HAVE A
465
00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:48,175
CERTAIN CRUSH ON, ALL COURTESY
466
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,051
OF DOC CUPID.
467
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,520
>> YOU SET ME UP ON A DATE WITH
468
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,218
LESLIE KING?
469
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,589
>> NO, WE SET IT UP AS A NEWS
470
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:54,216
INTERVIEW.
471
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,421
I CALLED, PITCHED IT AS A
472
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:56,892
DOORMAN WHO TOOK A BULLET FOR A
473
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:57,389
TENANT.
474
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,690
THEY THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT
475
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,891
STORY.
476
00:16:00,893 --> 00:16:04,603
AS WELL THEY SHOULD.
477
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,827
I'M GONNA TAKE A SQUIRT.
478
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,543
>> Jon: LOOK, JAY, ALL YOU NEED
479
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,666
IS DONG-FIDENCE, ALL RIGHT?
480
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:14,371
DONG CONFIDENCE.
481
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:17,014
NOW, YOU'VE GOT THE DONG.
482
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:19,250
YOU JUST NEED THE "FIDENCE."
483
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,576
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
484
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,050
COMING.
485
00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:25,349
AND NOW THE PIèCE OF RéSISTANCE.
486
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,622
BOOM.
487
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:28,119
>> JON, NO, PLEASE --
488
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,091
>> Jon: JAY.
489
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,559
HELLO. PLEASE COME IN. I'M JON.
490
00:16:31,558 --> 00:16:32,228
>> I'M LESLIE.
491
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,285
>> Jon: GREAT TO MEET YOU.
492
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,593
COME RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND
493
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,464
MEET OUR HERO DONGMAN.
494
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:37,403
UH, DOORMAN.
495
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,097
[ Laughing ] HERO DOORMAN.
496
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,729
>> JAY, IT'S AN ABSOLUTE
497
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,143
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
498
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,765
I WAS BLOWN AWAY WHEN I HEARD
499
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:44,570
YOUR STORY.
500
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,241
>> I DON'T NORMALLY DRESS LIKE
501
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:46,809
THIS --
502
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,536
>> Jon: UH, JAY IS A HUGE FAN.
503
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,281
HE, UH, HE ACTUALLY STARTED YOUR
504
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:51,537
FAN PAGE ON FACEBOOK.
505
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:52,954
AND HE ALSO UPDATES YOUR
506
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,075
WIKIPEDIA PAGE EVERY WEEK.
507
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:57,222
>> WELL, THAT'S NICE TO HEAR.
508
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,747
>> OH, SORRY.
509
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,251
DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT THE
510
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:00,953
INTERVIEW.
511
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:01,993
>> NO, NOT AT ALL.
512
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,658
JAY AND I WERE JUST GETTING TO
513
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:04,616
KNOW EACH OTHER.
514
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,494
>> OH, UH, WELL, ONE THING I
515
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:08,463
HAPPEN TO KNOW ABOUT LESLIE IS
516
00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:10,161
THAT SHE SPENT A, UH, WHOLE
517
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,133
SUMMER STUDYING ABROAD IN ROME.
518
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,332
>> OH, REALLY?
519
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,403
>> UH, YES.
520
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,741
>> WHAT, UH, WHAT, DID YOU DO AN
521
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:17,996
IMDB ON LESLIE?
522
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,574
[ LAUGHS ]
523
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,583
>> WELL, I'VE DONE A LOT OF
524
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:23,935
THINGS ON LESLIE.
525
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:25,953
WE JUST STARTED SEEING EACH
526
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:26,605
OTHER.
527
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:27,353
>> ROB.
528
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,647
>> JON, WHEEL ME AWAY FROM HERE,
529
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:30,419
PLEASE.
530
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:32,287
>> Jon: NO, HOLD ON, JAY.
531
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:34,745
ROB, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
532
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:35,994
>> NOT DOING ANYTHING.
533
00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:37,188
>> Jon: OH BULL[BLEEP]
534
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,790
YOU KNOW JAY LIKES HER AND YOU
535
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:39,691
MADE YOUR MOVE.
536
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:40,532
>> EXCUSE ME?
537
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:41,187
>> LOOK --
538
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,134
>> JON, PLEASE?
539
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:43,329
>> Jon: JAY, SHUT UP.
540
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:44,830
I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU RIGHT
541
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:45,301
NOW.
542
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:47,098
>> LISTEN, THE HEART WANTS WHAT
543
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:47,800
IT WANTS.
544
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,940
>> Jon: OH, YEAH?
545
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:50,495
WELL, YOUR HEART IS A DICK.
546
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,503
>> JON, PLEASE?
547
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,444
>> I'M SORRY.
548
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:53,939
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
549
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,110
>> I DON'T KNOW.
550
00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:57,108
>> Jon: LESLIE, JAY HAS A CRUSH
551
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,110
ON YOU, OKAY?
552
00:17:58,111 --> 00:17:59,651
THAT'S WHY HE'S DRESSED
553
00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:00,346
SUPERSEXY.
554
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,117
I WAS TRYING TO SET YOU GUYS UP.
555
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,715
ROB KNEW ALL OF THIS, AND FOR
556
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,386
SOME REASON THAT HAD BETTER BE
557
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,215
EXPLAINED TO ME, HE DECIDES TO
558
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,120
ASK YOU OUT.
559
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,961
>> HE TAKES MY BULLET, I STEAL
560
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:10,656
HIS GIRL.
561
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,487
>> UH, ROB, I'M NOT YOUR GIRL.
562
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:13,962
>> OH, LESLIE, COME ON.
563
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,560
YOU GOT TO ADMIT THERE'S A
564
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,832
CERTAIN...OBVIOUS ANIMAL
565
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,970
ATTRACTION BETWEEN US.
566
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:22,496
>> DON'T CALL ME EVER AGAIN.
567
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:23,842
>> LES. LES.
568
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:24,696
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
569
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:26,214
>> Jon: YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
570
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,706
WHO I FEEL WORSE FOR -- JAY OR
571
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,307
THE REPORTER FOR NOT GETTING TO
572
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:30,079
SEE THAT DONG.
573
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:31,676
>> OH, OH, PLEASE, DON'T WORRY.
574
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:32,908
SHE DID FINE IN THE DONG
575
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,052
DEPARTMENT, TRUST ME.
576
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:35,006
>> Jon: OH, YEAH?
577
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:35,554
>> YEAH.
578
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:36,318
>> Jon: PROVE IT.
579
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:36,746
>> WHAT?
580
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:37,579
>> Jon: WHIP IT OUT.
581
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,824
LET'S COMPARE DONGS RIGHT NOW.
582
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:39,418
LET'S GO, MAN.
583
00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:39,919
MOVE, JAY.
584
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:40,689
>> STOP IT, JON.
585
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:41,687
>> I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.
586
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:42,588
>> Jon: LET'S GO, MAN.
587
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:43,219
LET'S SEE IT.
588
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,493
>> JON, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
589
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,091
>> Jon: AM I?
590
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:45,531
>> YEAH.
591
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:46,725
>> Jon: WHY DON'T YOU PUT YOUR
592
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:47,726
DONG WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS,
593
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:48,197
ASSHOLE?
594
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:49,025
LET'S SEE IT.
595
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:49,998
>> JON, STOP IT.
596
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:50,756
>> Jon: JAY.
597
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:51,733
>> JON, STOP IT!
598
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:52,171
JON!
599
00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:52,895
>> Jon: COME ON!
600
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:55,369
>> JON!
601
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:57,538
[BLEEP] YOU FOR BEING [BLEEP] TO
602
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,037
ME BEHIND JON'S BACK.
603
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:00,908
I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR BULLET.
604
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,877
AND, JON, NO ONE ASKED YOU TO
605
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:03,905
WASH MY DICK.
606
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:06,010
>> Jon: YEAH, WELL, NO ONE ASKED
607
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:07,182
ME TO STOP, EITHER.
608
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,850
>> I WISH I'D NEVER JUMPED IN
609
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,078
FRONT OF THAT BULLET.
610
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,752
AND I WISH IT WAS YOU IN THIS
611
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:15,261
CHAIR.
612
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:18,015
>> Jon: HOW DARE YOU.
613
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:20,794
HOW...DARE YOU!
614
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:23,703
I DEDICATED MY LIFE TO YOU.
615
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,796
YOU THINK I LIKE WASHING THAT
616
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:27,428
DONG?
617
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,544
I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF NUMB TO
618
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,696
THE WORLD TO DO IT.
619
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:34,114
WHERE'S MY THANKS?
620
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:35,936
WHERE'S JON'S GRATITUDE?
621
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,812
WHO'S WASHING JON'S DONG?
622
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:38,580
NOBODY.
623
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,648
OH, MY GOD, JAY, JAY, YOU'RE
624
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:41,407
MOVING.
625
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,924
>> I KNOW.
626
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,475
I'M TRYING TO KICK YOU IN THE
627
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:45,994
BALLS TO GET YOU TO SHUT THE
628
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:48,955
[BLEEP] UP!
629
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:50,955
>> Jon: KICK THESE NUTS, JAY!
630
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,287
THERE YOU GO. COME ON.
631
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,633
OH, NO, I DON'T THINK YOU WANT
632
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:54,957
IT.
633
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,301
I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO KICK
634
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:57,096
THESE NUTS, JAY.
635
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,466
I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO KICK
636
00:19:58,465 --> 00:19:59,265
THESE NUTS, JAY.
637
00:19:59,266 --> 00:20:00,066
PROVE IT!
638
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,566
KICK THESE NUTS, JAY!
639
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:02,968
THEY'RE RIGHT HERE!
640
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:03,769
COME ON!
641
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,770
SHOW ME YOU WANT IT! KICK THEM!
642
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:06,612
KICK THEM!
643
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:07,906
DON'T YOU STOP NOW!
644
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:08,907
YOU'RE CLOSE!
645
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,338
KICK THEM!
646
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:11,983
YEAH!
647
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:13,648
YEAH, JAY! COME HERE!
648
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,246
BRING IT IN, BUDDY.
649
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,018
BRING IT IN. I GOT YOU.
650
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:17,516
I GOT YOU.
651
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:18,417
YOU KICKED THEM, BUDDY.
652
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:19,248
YOU KICK THOSE NUTS?
653
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,322
>> YEAH, I KICKED THOSE NUTS.
654
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,520
>> Jon: DID YOU KICK THOSE NUTS?
655
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:22,661
>> YEAH, I KICKED THOSE NUTS.
656
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:23,585
>> Jon: LET ME HEAR YOU.
657
00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:24,690
>> YEAH, I KICKED THOSE NUTS.
658
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:25,831
>> Jon: "I KICKED THOSE NUTS."
659
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,925
>> I KICKED THOSE NUTS.
660
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:34,628
[ GUNSHOTS ]
661
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,804
>> YOU HAVE BECOME GOOD SHOT.
662
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,773
>> YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE
663
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,711
SHOOTING AN ACTUAL PERSON.
664
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:42,777
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BONER.
665
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,775
>> JUST GIVE IT TIME.
666
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:46,847
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS THINK ABOUT
667
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,716
KILLING SOMEONE AND I GET AN
668
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:52,485
ERECTION.
669
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:54,485
BEE-YOOP.
670
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,517
>> THAT'S WEIRD, MAN.
671
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:57,993
[ GUNSHOT ]
672
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:59,360
>> BEE-YOOP?
673
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,859
>> NO.
674
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,030
[ GUNSHOT ]
675
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,298
>> BEE-YOOP?
676
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:04,526
>> NO.
677
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:05,531
[ GUNSHOT ]
678
00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:06,732
>> BEE-YOOP?
679
00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:08,743
>> NO.
680
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:09,865
[ GUNSHOT ]
681
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,039
>> BEE-YOOP?
682
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:12,467
>> NO.
683
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,472
[ GUNSHOT ]
684
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:14,543
>> BEE-YOOP?
685
00:21:14,541 --> 00:21:16,211
>> NO.
686
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:17,238
[ GUNSHOT ]
687
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:18,353
>> BEE-YOOP?
688
00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:19,375
>> NO.
689
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,409
[ GUNSHOT ]
690
00:21:20,413 --> 00:21:21,513
>> BEE-YOOP?
691
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:22,554
>> NO.
692
00:21:22,549 --> 00:21:24,719
[ GUNSHOT ]
693
00:21:24,717 --> 00:21:25,887
>> BEE-YOOP?
694
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:28,245
>> PLEASE STOP, PLEASE STOP.
41885
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