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>> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY
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FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION
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PROGRAM...
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MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY...
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AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY
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SHOW?
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>> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO
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>> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON
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"DELOCATED!"...
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>> THIS IS JON.
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>> HEY. RYAN.
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>> Jon: HEY, RYAN.
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RYAN, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A
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LIVING?
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>> I SELL SIDING.
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>> Jon: PBHT! BORING!
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YOU KNOW, IT'S A PLACE CALLED
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NICKY'S GRINDERS, AND IT'S THE
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BEST SUB SHOP IN NEW YORK.
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>> YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT NICKY'S.
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IT'S AMAZING.
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>> Jon: YEAH, A LOT OF THEIR
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SUBS ARE LIKE THAT.
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A LOT OF WEIRD COMBOS.
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I HEARD THAT SCARLETT JOHANSSON
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IS GONNA DO A COVER OF HER
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TOM WAITS COVERS.
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>> OH, LIKE A COVER OF A COVER?
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>> Jon: SHE'S, LIKE, COVERING
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HERSELF.
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>> SOUNDS KIND OF GOOD.
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>> Jon: I THINK IT SOUNDS KIND
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OF INTERESTING.
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>> YEAH.
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>> Jon: THERE HE IS.
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NICKY!
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>> HEY!
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HOW'S MY FAVORITE CUSTOMER?
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>> Jon: GOOD. HOW YOU DOING?
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>> KIM, ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU.
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>> HI, NICKY.
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>> WHAT IS THIS, 30 DAYS IN A
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ROW?
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>> Jon: 31.
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ALMOST DONE EATING MY WAY
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THROUGH THE MENU.
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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31. OF COURSE.
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WHICH IS WHY I MADE YOU NUMBER
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31.
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>> Jon: I KNEW IT.
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>> AH.
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>> Jon: I KNEW YOU KNEW.
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OH, LOOK AT THIS.
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>> GET INTO IT.
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>> Jon: [ EXHALES ]
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OH, YEAH.
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[ SNIFFS ]
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MMM.
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MMM.
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THE CRACK OF THE CRUST, COOLNESS
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OF DIJON COUNTERBALANCING THE
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SNAP OF PEPPER TURKEY.
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THE PEPPER TURKEY CRACKING THE
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WHIP ON MY TASTE BUDS.
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THE OARSMEN ON THE SLAVE SHIP OF
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MY MOUTH.
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THERE IT IS.
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SUN-DRIED TOMATO, YEAH -- THE
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SIGNATURE INGREDIENT IN THE
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NUMBER 31.
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MMM. NEVER OVERPOWERING.
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JUST ENOUGH TO REMIND ME OF ITS
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PRESENCE, PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO
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WITH THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH.
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MMM.
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PEEK-A...BOO.
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PEEK-A...OOH.
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PEEK-A...YUM.
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PEEK-A INTO MY TUM.
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MMM.
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>> OKAY, JON. COME ON.
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SNAP OUT OF THE GRINDER HIGH.
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>> Jon: HMM?
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WHOA.
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[ LAUGHS ] WHOA!
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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>> Jon: WOW!
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OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE.
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AS ALWAYS, PERFECTION.
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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>> Jon: WOW.
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THANK YOU.
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>> COME WITH ME.
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>> Jon: WOW.
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>> LISTEN, I'VE BEEN RUNNING
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THIS PLACE ALONE FOR 35 YEARS.
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MADE EVERY SUB MYSELF.
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I NEVER TRUSTED ANYONE ELSE TO
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HELP ME.
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I WANT YOU TO COME WORK AT
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NICKY'S.
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>> Jon: OH, MY GOD!
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WASN'T I JUST TELLING YOU THAT I
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WOULD LOVE TO WORK HERE?!
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>> NO.
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>> Jon: WELL, I WAS THINKING IT,
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OKAY, AND IT SEEMED OBVIOUS.
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OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
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OH, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS F-FOR
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SUBS AND JUST IDEAS FOR THE
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RESTAURANT -- STUFF WE CAN DO
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AND PROMOTION STUFF.
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OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
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GOT A NUMBER 19.
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NUMBER 19 -- CROUCHING TURKEY,
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HIDDEN DRESSING.
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ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
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NO HOAGIE FOR OLD MEN, AND THAT
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IS WIDE.
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MAKES ME FEEL LIKE TOM CRUISE IN
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"COCKTAIL."
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BOOM.
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>> SO, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING AT
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NICKY'S?
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>> Jon: OH, MY GOD, IT'S LIKE A
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DREAM JOB.
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I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WORK
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THERE.
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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>> Jon: OH, WHO HAVE WE HERE
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COMING UP?
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WHO IS THIS LITTLE FUNNY FACE?
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>> MR. LITTLE JEANS.
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>> Jon: MR. LITTLE JEANS, HI.
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YOU ARE A CUTIE PIE.
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OH, MR. LITTLE JEANS, HI.
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WINNER RIGHT THERE. THANK YOU.
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CUTE!
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>> BOY, YOU REALLY LOVE DOGS,
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HUH?
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>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
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DOGS ARE GREAT.
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LOOK AT THAT GUY.
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GO GET THAT BALL. GO GET IT!
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THERE HE GOES!
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
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YOU SHOULD GET A DOG.
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>> Jon: WHAT?
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>> YOU SHOULD GET A DOG.
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>> Jon: I WILL NEVER GET A DOG!
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YOU HEAR ME?!
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EVER! EVER AGAIN!
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NO, I'LL NEVER GET A DOG!
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[ Crying ] I'LL NEVER GET A DOG!
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>> WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
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>> Jon: EVER! EVER!
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>> JON!
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COME ON, JON!
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>> YOU KNOW, JON ACTUALLY HAD A
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DOG.
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HE LEFT IT WITH HIS PARENTS WHEN
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HE ENTERED THE PROGRAM, AND THE
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MOB HAD IT ASSASSINATED.
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>> MY GOD.
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JON!
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>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T
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KNOW THAT.
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DIDN'T YOU READ HIS FILE?
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>> SKIPPED CERTAIN PARTS OF IT.
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HANG ON.
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I THINK I FOUND HIM.
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HEY, JON.
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>> HEY.
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>> LOOK, UH, KIM TOLD ME ABOUT
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YOUR DOG.
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>> Jon: I'M SORRY I YELLED AT
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YOU.
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>> OH, NO.
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HEY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
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>> Jon: [ Crying ] IT'S NOT.
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>> IT'S OKAY.
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HEY, WHAT WAS YOUR DOG'S NAME?
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>> Jon: DING DONG FOOTBALL.
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PRETTY AWESOME NAME FOR A DOG,
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RIGHT?
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>> MM-HMM.
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>> Jon: [ SOBS ]
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>> YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE
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EVER MET ANYONE WHO CARED ABOUT
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DOGS AS MUCH AS YOU.
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>> Jon: [ EXHALES ]
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>> Y-YOU'RE LIKE THE MAYOR OF
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DOGS.
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[ BOTH LAUGH ]
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>> Jon: WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE...
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GUARDIAN OF ALL DOGS?
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>> YEAH.
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YEAH. I-I GUESS. YEAH.
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>> Jon: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
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>> WHAT' A GREAT IDEA?
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>> Jon: DOG MAYOR.
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>> YEAH.
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>> Jon: I'M GONNA BE THAT.
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[ DOG BARKS ]
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HI, FOLKS.
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I AM RUNNING FOR, UH, NEW YORK
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DOG MAYOR.
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WE LOVE THE CITY.
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WE LOVE OUR DOGS.
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LET'S HAVE SOMEBODY TO BE THEIR
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REPRESENTATIVE.
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WE'VE GOT GREAT PARKS.
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WE'VE GOT GREAT DOG RUNS.
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LET'S MAKE THEM BETTER.
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I'D LIKE TO SEE WATER SLIDES.
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PUT GRAVY BOWLS IN THERE.
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DOGS GO NUTS FOR GRAVY.
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CATS HAVE CATNIP.
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HOW ABOUT SOME DOGNIP FOR DOGS?
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OH, MY GOOD-- OH, GET UP THERE.
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OH, YEAH.
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WHY SHOULD CATS BE THE ONLY ONES
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TO ENJOY THAT ASPECT OF BEING AN
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ANIMAL?
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TWO GIRLS.
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HEY, THEY LOVE HAVING FUN, HUH?
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I WANT TO HAVE FREE BACON FOR
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DOGS.
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IT'S VERY SIMILAR TO HANDING OUT
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FREE CONDOMS, HANDING OUT FREE
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NEEDLES FOR AIDS PATIENTS AND
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ALL THAT.
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LET'S EXPAND OFF-LEASH HOURS.
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OH, WHAT A SWEETIE. HELLO.
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TAKE THESE FENCES DOWN.
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GIVE THE DOGS THE GREEN GRASS
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THEY CRAVE.
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I HOPE TO GET YOUR VOTE -- IF
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YOU CAN TEACH HER HOW TO PULL A
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LEVER...
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>> [ Laughing ] YEAH.
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>> Jon: ...AT THE VOTING BOOTH.
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[ Laughing ] ALL RIGHT.
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I HAD A REALLY SOLID DAY
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CAMPAIGNING TODAY, GUYS -- REAL
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SOLID.
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YOU KNOW, DAVID, WHEN I BECOME
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DOG MAYOR, THAT IS GONNA MAKE
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YOU FIRST PUP.
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>> AWW.
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>> OH, MY GOD.
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YOU'RE RUNNING FOR AN OFFICE
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THAT DOESN'T EXIST.
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NO ONE CARES.
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>> RYAN, JON CARES.
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>> Jon: LOOK, YOU CAN BE AS
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BITTER AS YOU WANT ABOUT YOUR
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OWN [BLEEP] LIFE, BUT MAYBE YOU
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COULD ALSO TRY BEING A LITTLE
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PRODUCTIVE, FOR A CHANGE.
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TAKE A BREAK FROM THE COMPLAIN
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TRAIN.
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"LOOK AT ME!
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I'M GONNA PUT SIDING ON A HOUSE!
268
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,633
THAT'S BETTER.
269
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,897
THAT'S BETTER THAN TRYING TO DO
270
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,155
SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR DOGS."
271
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,462
>> YOU'RE IN THE WITNESS
272
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,804
PROTECTION PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT?
273
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,029
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIDING.
274
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,573
>> Jon: I CAN STATE FACTS, TOO.
275
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,668
YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
276
00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:16,469
>> OH, JON.
277
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,070
OH, HERE HE GOES. HERE HE GOES.
278
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:18,811
>> RYAN.
279
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,206
>> FACT -- YOU'RE A DUMMY.
280
00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,137
THAT'S A FACT.
281
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,141
YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
282
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,882
>> Jon: KEEP WALKING, FRIEND.
283
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:24,977
>> YOU'RE A DUMMY.
284
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,078
>> Jon: YEP. THAT'S ME.
285
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,880
HEY, UM, BY THE WAY, I, UH...
286
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,194
I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR.
287
00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:36,586
UH, I NEED SOME TIME OFF, AND I
288
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,990
NEED TO BORROW SOME CASH.
289
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,661
>> DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
290
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,660
WHATEVER IT IS.
291
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,562
YOU'RE LIKE A SON TO ME.
292
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:47,234
WHATEVER -- GAMBLING, DRUGS,
293
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,074
PORNOGRAPHY.
294
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,238
>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S FOR
295
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:49,996
DOG MAYOR.
296
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:50,873
>> [ SCOFFS ]
297
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,511
>> Jon: I NEED SOME MONEY FOR
298
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,166
CAMPAIGN ADS.
299
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,843
>> JON, I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH
300
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:56,943
YOU.
301
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,684
DOG MAYOR MAKES NO SENSE TO ME.
302
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,179
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MADE NO
303
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,850
SENSE TO ME THE FIRST TIME I
304
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:02,879
HEARD ABOUT IT?
305
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,723
THE MAN IN THE MOON.
306
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:05,788
>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]
307
00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,186
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BUDDY.
308
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:10,617
I APPRECIATE IT.
309
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,194
"POP, POP!" -- THAT'S WHAT
310
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,192
POPCORN SAYS.
311
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,763
HEY, LET'S LOOK ALIVE.
312
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,902
WAKE UP, PLEASE.
313
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,126
HEY, WAKE UP. WE'RE ALMOST ON.
314
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,271
>> IS ANYONE EVEN GONNA SEE
315
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:19,966
THIS, HONEY?
316
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:21,097
>> Jon: IF WE'RE UP, OTHER
317
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:21,871
PEOPLE ARE UP.
318
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,099
>> David: WE'RE ONLY UP 'CAUSE
319
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:23,873
WE HAV TO BE.
320
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:24,741
>> DAMN IT, DAVID!
321
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:25,808
YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS AT?
322
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,866
I WAS DOING IT UP AT THE
323
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,044
TECHNICAL EMMY AFTER PARTY.
324
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:28,741
I CAME HERE.
325
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,042
YOU CAN'T SPEND TWO SECONDS FOR
326
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:30,713
YOUR FATHER?
327
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:31,881
>> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
328
00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,049
AND STAY OUT OF MY POPCORN.
329
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,046
HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.
330
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,217
>> YOU'RE WATCHING
331
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,715
"BEACH DETECTIVES" ON
332
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,117
CABLE-ACCESS CHANNEL 126.
333
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,989
>> Jon: PEOPLE HAVE GROCERY
334
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,658
STORES.
335
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,056
SO DO DOGS.
336
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,227
PEOPLE HAVE DOCTORS.
337
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,796
SO DO DOGS.
338
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:50,255
PEOPLE ALSO HAVE MAYORS.
339
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,903
SO WHY DON'T DOGS?
340
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,000
VOTE JON FOR DOG MAYOR.
341
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,572
I'M JON, AND I APPROVE THIS
342
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,071
MESSAGE.
343
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:02,012
>> YAY!
344
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,109
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
345
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,311
>> HI. I'M RYAN ANDERSON.
346
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,182
>> OH, MY GOD.
347
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,649
>> AND I'M ALSO RUNNING FOR
348
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,178
DOG MAYOR.
349
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,751
I DON'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE
350
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,080
WITH ANIMALS, AND I HAVE NO
351
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,154
POLITICAL EXPERIENCE
352
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:12,922
WHATSOEVER.
353
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,590
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE I DON'T
354
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,988
HAVE -- A BOUNTY ON MY HEAD BY
355
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,759
THE RUSSIAN MAFIA AND A SKI
356
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:18,828
MASK ON MY FACE.
357
00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,626
I PAID FOR 10 MORE SECONDS OF
358
00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:21,758
THIS COMMERCIAL.
359
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,332
TAKE THAT TIME TO THINK ABOUT
360
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,300
IT.
361
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,935
I'M RYAN ANDERSON, AND I
362
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,911
APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
363
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,252
>> Jon: JAY, GET OUT!
364
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,050
GO!
365
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:46,352
>> WHAT THE "F" IS WRONG WITH
366
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,053
YOU, RYAN?
367
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:47,694
>> WHAT?
368
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:48,288
>> HONESTLY.
369
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:49,718
>> OH, I'M JUST TAKING JON'S
370
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:50,123
ADVICE.
371
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,293
HE SAID TO DO SOMETHING
372
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:52,631
PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE.
373
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,226
YOU KNOW WHAT?
374
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,696
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DEBATE.
375
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,625
>> Jon: OH, YEAH?
376
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:56,059
>> YEAH.
377
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,303
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, HOMEBOY,
378
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,627
LET'S ROCK THE ISSUES.
379
00:09:58,632 --> 00:09:59,972
>> YEAH. MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.
380
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,127
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, GROOM.
381
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,644
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN "GROOM"?
382
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:03,966
>> Jon: YOU SAID "MAY THE BEST
383
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:04,841
MAN WIN," RIGHT?
384
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:05,308
>> YEAH.
385
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,635
>> Jon: I'M THE BEST MAN.
386
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,370
YOU'RE THE GROOM.
387
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:08,214
>> OOH!
388
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,378
>> DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT A
389
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,807
PHENOMENAL [BLEEP] YOU ARE?
390
00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,012
>> Jon: HEY, MAN, CALL ME
391
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,383
WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT STARTING
392
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,921
NEXT WEEK, YOU BETTER GET USED
393
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,076
TO CALLING ME "HIS ROYAL
394
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,394
MAJESTY, THE DUKE EARL OF DOG
395
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:19,785
MAYORS."
396
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,070
>> I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT MY
397
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,665
OPPONENT DOESN'T EVEN OWN A DOG.
398
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,337
HOW DOES SOMEBODY THAT DOESN'T
399
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,735
EVEN OWN A DOG EXPECT YOU TO
400
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,337
BELIEVE THAT HE HAS WHAT IT
401
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,538
TAKES TO BE DOG MAYOR?
402
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,269
>> Jon: YOU KNOW, MY OPPONENT
403
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,114
LIKES TO POINT OUT THAT I DO NOT
404
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,540
OWN A DOG, AND YET WHAT HE
405
00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:46,214
DOESN'T POINT OUT IS THAT HE
406
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,783
BOUGHT HIS TOKEN DOG JUST THIS
407
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,551
PAST WEEK.
408
00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:51,688
>> DO YOU EVEN OWN A DOG?
409
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:54,345
DO YOU OWN A DOG -- YES OR "NO"?
410
00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,725
>> Jon: NO.
411
00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,457
I DO NOT OWN A DOG.
412
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,561
WANT TO KNOW WHY?
413
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,533
IT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS GUNNED DOWN
414
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,402
BY THE MOB.
415
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,600
THOSE HEARTLESS, GUTLESS,
416
00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,442
ANIMAL-HATING MIRMINSKYS KILLED
417
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,308
MY DOG, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY YOU
418
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,106
WANT ME TO BE DOG MAYOR, 'CAUSE
419
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,578
I'LL MAKE SURE YOUR DOG IS SAFE.
420
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:17,536
IS YOUR DOG SAFE?
421
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,084
IS YOUR DOG SAFE, BACK THERE?
422
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:19,779
IS YOUR DOG SAFE?
423
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,250
WHAT'S TO STOP THE MOB FROM
424
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:22,248
KILLING YOUR DOG?
425
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,579
RIGHT NOW. BOOM -- GUN. BOOM.
426
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:24,453
YOUR DOG'S DEAD.
427
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:25,421
MACHINE GUNS.
428
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,088
[ IMITATES MACHINE GUN ]
429
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,417
THAT'S THE SOUND YOU'RE GONNA
430
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:29,791
HEAR WITH THIS GUY IN CHARGE.
431
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,120
ME -- YOUR DOGS ARE SAFE.
432
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,134
THAT'S RIGHT.
433
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:34,155
UH, ALSO, REAL QUICK, I DO WANT
434
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,331
TO THANK NICKY FROM
435
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,499
NICKY'S GRINDERS.
436
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,267
THAT IS HOME OF THE 7-FOOT PARTY
437
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,297
SUB.
438
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,601
* 'CAUSE WITH ONE FOOT MORE, THE
439
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,613
PARTY STILL ROARS *
440
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:46,265
* YEAH
441
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:46,613
RAWR!
442
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,136
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS.
443
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:48,681
THANK YOU.
444
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:49,635
SO, I DON'T KNOW.
445
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,112
ALL IN ALL -- PRETTY GOOD
446
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:51,781
SPEECH, RIGHT?
447
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:52,449
>> YEAH.
448
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,105
>> JON.
449
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,653
DING DONG FOOTBALL -- THAT IS
450
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,318
THE NARRATIVE FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN.
451
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,787
THAT'S YOUR JOHN McCAIN P.O.W.
452
00:11:58,786 --> 00:11:59,486
ANGLE, HUH?
453
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,586
>> Jon: McCAIN -- YES.
454
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,487
>> David: DIDN'T McCAIN LOSE?
455
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:03,759
>> JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY
456
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,457
PHOTOS -- OLD PHOTOS OF YOU AND
457
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,128
THE DOG?
458
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,626
>> Jon: UH, I'M SURE MY PARENTS
459
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,127
DO.
460
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,458
LET ME GIVE THEM A CALL.
461
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,133
>> Hello?
462
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:11,801
>> Jon: HEY, DAD.
463
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:13,329
DO YOU HAVE ANY OLD PHOTOS OF ME
464
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,433
AND DING DONG FOOTBALL?
465
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:15,674
I'M DOING THIS CAMPAIGN RIGHT
466
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,138
NOW, AND IT'S SORT OF BASED ON
467
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,467
HOW THE MIRMINSKYS KILLED HER.
468
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,141
>> Jon, the Mirminskys didn't
469
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,311
kill DING DONG Football.
470
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,150
>> Jon: WHAT?
471
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:26,645
>>killed her.
472
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:27,646
Hit her with my car.
473
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,177
Your mother and I thought it
474
00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,522
would be easier on you if we
475
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,677
just told you it was the
476
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:32,454
Mirminskys.
477
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,722
>> Jon: DAD, DOES ANYONE ELSE
478
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,650
KNOW ABOUT THIS?
479
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,164
>> No.
480
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:37,656
>> Jon: KEEP YOUR [BLEEP] MOUTH
481
00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:38,887
SHUT ABOUT THIS, DO YOU
482
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:39,692
UNDERSTAND?
483
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,362
YOU DON'T TELL A [BLEEP] SOUL.
484
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:41,861
>> What?
485
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,462
>> Jon: SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP
486
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:44,533
ABOUT THIS.
487
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:47,571
OH, MY GOD.
488
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,167
MIGHTY JOE JON, WE NEED TO TALK.
489
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,368
>> Jon: I GOT TO SAY, THE MOST
490
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:20,526
IMPORTANT THING FOR ME IS
491
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,603
GETTING A CHEDDAR CHEDDAR
492
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:22,271
BANG BANG.
493
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,499
THAT IS WHAT IS ON MY MIND.
494
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,603
>> THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING
495
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:24,944
ABOUT.
496
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:25,708
>> Jon: WHOA.
497
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,665
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?
498
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,881
>> WHAT'S GOING ON?
499
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,450
>> NICKY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.
500
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,377
>> Jon: WHAT?!
501
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,722
>> KIDNAPPED.
502
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,787
>> Jon: "CONTINUE THE DOG MAYOR
503
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,216
LIES, NICKY DIES.
504
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,791
MAKE SOME FORGIVES, NICKY
505
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,859
LIVES."
506
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,288
DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS?
507
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:46,963
WHAT HAPPENED?
508
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:47,930
>> NO IDEA, JON.
509
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,798
>> JON.
510
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,396
LOOK, IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH
511
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:52,928
ABOUT DING DONG FOOTBALL, THAT'S
512
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,873
IT -- CAMPAIGN OVER.
513
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:58,638
>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]
514
00:13:58,638 --> 00:13:59,638
ALL RIGHT.
515
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,279
WHAT IF -- WHAT IF I SAVE NICKY?
516
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,275
ALL RIGHT?
517
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,906
THEN NO ONE CARES IF I LIED.
518
00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,252
>> I'M LISTENING.
519
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,916
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, MIRMINSKYS
520
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,245
LOVE DOGS, RIGHT?
521
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,279
>> PASSIONATELY.
522
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,723
>> Jon: I HAVE AN IDEA.
523
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,288
ALL RIGHT, THEY GOT MIKE.
524
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,256
THEY'RE NOT GETTING NICKY.
525
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,828
[ MEN SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]
526
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,656
>> HOW DO YOU SAY "READ 'EM AND
527
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,961
WEEP" IN RUSSIAN?
528
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,934
[ LOUD THUD ]
529
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:30,801
>> [ YELLS IN RUSSIAN ]
530
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,909
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
531
00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:39,681
LISTEN TO YOUR BOSS.
532
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,279
YOU'RE GONNA "NESTRA LIGHT"
533
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,581
RIGHT NOW.
534
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,522
NICKY, YOU OKAY?
535
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:44,516
>> [ MUFFLED SPEAKING ]
536
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:45,787
>> Jon: IT'S JON.
537
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,415
EVERYTHING IS A-OKAY.
538
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,020
WE ARE "NESTRA LIGHTING" OUT
539
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:49,662
HERE.
540
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,786
MOVING RIGHT OVER HERE.
541
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,430
NICKY, I'M COMING.
542
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,765
>> Jon: NICKY, YOU GOOD?
543
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:02,968
YOU OKAY?
544
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:05,510
EVERYBODY, BE COOL.
545
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,005
WE'RE GOOD.
546
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,337
THERE'S THE DOOR.
547
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,682
WE'RE GONNA WALK OUT.
548
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,277
"NESTRA LIGHT."
549
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,776
>> ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, HAVE A
550
00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:18,554
GOOD EVENING.
551
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:19,991
SERGEI...
552
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,957
IT'S A REAL PLEASURE.
553
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,334
>> IDIOT!
554
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,003
>> AND TO CONGRATULATE JON
555
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,872
ON HIS DARING RESCUE OF ONE
556
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,739
OF NEW YORK'S MOST BELOVED
557
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,538
SANDWICH MAKERS, NICKY OF
558
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,010
NICKY'S GRINDERS.
559
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:43,910
[ APPLAUSE ]
560
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,750
SO, JON, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE
561
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,645
THAT I PRESENT TO YOU THE LEASH
562
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:50,017
TO THE CITY AND BESTOW UPON YOU
563
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,087
THE TITLE OF DOG MAYOR OF
564
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,985
NEW YORK CITY.
565
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,487
[ APPLAUSE ]
566
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:56,758
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
567
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:58,856
MY FIRST OFFICIAL ACT AS DOG
568
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:01,058
MAYOR IS DEDICATED NOT ONLY TO
569
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:04,031
MY DEAD DOG, DING DONG FOOTBALL,
570
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,401
BUT ALSO TO ALL FALLEN DOGS
571
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:07,769
ACROSS THE LAND.
572
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,037
[ APPLAUSE ]
573
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:11,937
I'M PROUD TO UNVEIL THE TOMB OF
574
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:14,368
THE UNKNOWN DOG.
575
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:20,607
>> ALL RIGHT.
576
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,383
>> Jon: THANK YOU, MR. MAYOR.
577
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:23,452
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
578
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,920
THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR COMING.
579
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:25,617
THANK YOU.
580
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:26,718
NOW, HERE'S THE THING.
581
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,119
EVERYONE LOVES THEIR DOGS, OKAY?
582
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,721
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DON'T LOVE
583
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,122
PICKING UP THEIR DOGS' NUMBER 2.
584
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,734
THEY DON'T CARE, ALL RIGHT?
585
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,425
AND THAT IS WHY I AM STARTING A
586
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,897
BRAND-NEW CAMPAIGN CALLED THE
587
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,525
"GIVE A [BLEEP] COMMISSION."
588
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,070
IT'S TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO PICK
589
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,096
UP THEIR DOGS' POOPS.
590
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:40,930
>> David: WAIT.
591
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,473
SHOULDN'T IT BE CALLED "TAKE A
592
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:42,939
[BLEEP]"?
593
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:43,765
>> Jon: UH, NO.
594
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,040
THEN PEOPLE WOULD JUST TAKE
595
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:45,968
[BLEEP] EVERYWHERE.
596
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,072
>> I AGREE WITH DAVID.
597
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,584
I THINK "GIVE A [BLEEP]" SEEMS
598
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:49,035
CONFUSING.
599
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,412
>> OKAY, LOOK, W-WE TALKED ABOUT
600
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:50,740
BOTH.
601
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:51,583
I THINK BOTH WORK.
602
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:52,608
>> Jon: BOTH OF THEM WORK.
603
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:53,612
WE FOCUS-GROUPED, GUYS.
604
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:54,153
>> NO, NO, NO.
605
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,147
"TAKE A [BLEEP]" IS MORE
606
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:55,748
LOGICAL.
607
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:56,818
>> I THINK "GIVE A [BLEEP]"
608
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,046
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ASKING ME TO
609
00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,121
GIVE YOU MY [BLEEP]
610
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,619
>> Jon: HEY, HOW ABOUT IF
611
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:01,720
EVERYONE SHUTS UP?
612
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:02,591
I'M DOG MAYOR.
613
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:03,919
I DECIDE WHAT'S GOING ON.
614
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:05,093
IT'S "GIVE A [BLEEP]"
615
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,432
WE MADE THE BUTTONS.
616
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,586
DECISION'S FINAL, GOT IT?
617
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:08,904
>> YEAH, NO, I AGREE, THOUGH.
618
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,755
THAT'S CONFUSING.
619
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,062
>> Jon: JAY, WHY ARE YOU EVEN
620
00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:11,604
HERE?
621
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:12,828
SHOULDN'T YOU BE BACK AT THE
622
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:13,172
DESK?
623
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,566
>> I CAME TO SUPPORT YOU.
624
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,137
>> EXCUSE ME.
625
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,065
IS THAT A FAKE MUSTACHE?
626
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:18,570
>> Jon: I DIDN'T TELL THE TRUTH,
627
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:19,741
AND THAT COULD HAVE GOT YOU
628
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:20,069
KILLED.
629
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,443
>> COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA,
630
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,081
GOUDA.
631
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,605
JON, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
632
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,681
>> Jon: I KNOW.
633
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:27,648
>> AND FOR THAT, I'M GONNA REPAY
634
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:28,177
THE FAVOR.
635
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,821
THERE'S A SAYING IN THE GREEK
636
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,946
VILLAGE I COME FROM.
637
00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:34,791
"VENDETTA IS A DISH SERVED
638
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:37,917
BETTER WITH COLD FETA."
639
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,164
I KNOW A GUY WHO CAN HAVE SERGEI
640
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,490
ELIMINATED -- CCK!-- NO
641
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:42,604
PROBLEMS.
642
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:45,025
THEODORE GREGOROPOULOS.
643
00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,471
HE'S VERY EXPENSIVE.
644
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,966
>> Jon: JUST HIRE THIS GUY.
645
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:48,537
OKAY?
646
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,095
I'LL COME UP WITH THE MONEY.
647
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:51,643
THANK YOU.
648
00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,808
EXCUSE ME. HI, THERE.
649
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,036
THAT'S A REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOG.
650
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:55,941
>> OH, THANK YOU.
651
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:56,982
>> Jon: IS HE NEUTERED?
652
00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:57,806
>> NO, HE'S NOT.
653
00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:58,850
>> Jon: OH. ALL RIGHT.
654
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:02,515
WELL, THEN, THAT GETS YOU...
655
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:03,645
ONE OF THESE.
656
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:04,550
IT'S A NEW LAW.
657
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:05,821
IT'S A MANDATORY SPAY AND
658
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,518
NEUTERING, AND THAT'S $100 FINE
659
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,720
PER BALL.
660
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:10,662
>> SAYS WHO?
661
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,487
>> Jon: SAYS NEW YORK'S NEW DOG
662
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:13,892
MAYOR, THAT'S WHO.
663
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:16,703
>> MAN, GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.
664
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,826
ASSHOLE.
665
00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,142
>> Jon: H-HEY, MAN.
666
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:29,040
THIS IS, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT...
667
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:29,911
>> I KNOW.
668
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:30,839
LISTEN, UM...
669
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,683
>> Jon: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
670
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,009
I'M GETTING DESPERATE HERE.
671
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,523
>> I MAY HAVE A FEW CORPORATE
672
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:36,915
CONNECTIONS THAT MAY HELP YOU.
673
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:37,846
>> Jon: OH, YEAH?
674
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,820
>> I'LL GIVE THEM A CALL.
675
00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,918
>> NOW, MIGHTY JOE JON, THE
676
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,733
BLACK BLOND, INFORMS ME THAT
677
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,685
THERE'S A PROBLEM THAT YOU ARE
678
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,764
TRYING TO ELIMINATE, AND YOU
679
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,832
NEED TO RAISE SOME CAPITAL.
680
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,771
NOW, IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR
681
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:58,537
ENDORSEMENT, WE MIGHT BE ABLE
682
00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:02,878
TO...COVER THE COST OF THAT.
683
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,905
>> Jon: YOU KNOW, BOBBY, UH, IT
684
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:08,721
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE...
685
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:09,845
WE HAVE A DEAL.
686
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:10,919
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
687
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,217
>> Jon: [ LAUGHS ]
688
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:13,719
>> THAT'S WONDERFUL!
689
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:14,890
WELL, LET'S CELEBRATE!
690
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:15,787
>> Jon: SURE.
691
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,718
>> LOOK AT THIS -- DOGNIP CIGAR.
692
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,894
RIGHT OFF THE LINE.
693
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,191
>> Jon: OH, YES.
694
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,063
I'LL SAMPLE THE PRODUCTS.
695
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:23,061
WHY NOT?
696
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,202
BEFORE WE GIVE IT TO OUR
697
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,197
FOUR-LEGGED FRIENDS.
698
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:26,768
WHY SHOULD CATS BE THE ONLY ONES
699
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,026
TO HAVE ALL THE FUN, RIGHT?
700
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:29,204
>> EXACTLY.
701
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,202
>> Jon: HERE WE GO. MM.
702
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,943
ALL RIGHT. OH, YEAH.
703
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,068
THERE WE GO.
704
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:33,912
YEAH.
705
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,036
>> TAKE IT DEEP.
706
00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:36,241
>> Narrator: NICE.
707
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,583
MM.
708
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,048
OH, YEAH. THAT'S NICE.
709
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,746
REAL NICE.
710
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:44,148
REAL NICE. MM.
711
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,250
[ EXHALES ]
712
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,722
OH, UH, GET THIS -- TURNS OUT
713
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,960
THE MIRMINSKYS DIDN'T KILL MY
714
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:50,586
DOG.
715
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,260
YOU WANT TO JAM ON THAT FOR A
716
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:52,929
BIT?
717
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:53,825
JAM IT, MAN.
718
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,726
YOU KNOW, WE CAN PROBABLY DO
719
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:58,158
IT -- DO IT OLD-HAT FOR YOU.
720
00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,774
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
721
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:00,766
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
722
00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,097
>> THAT WAS THE SHOCKING
723
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:03,901
SURVEILLANCE TAPE THAT'S BEEN
724
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,673
CIRCULATING ON THE INTERNET OF
725
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:07,242
FORMER HERO AND NOW DISGRACED
726
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,610
DOG MAYOR JON GETTING BUSTED
727
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:10,679
FOR SMOKING DOGNIP.
728
00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,247
WE'RE GOING LIVE NOW TO A PRESS
729
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,275
CONFERENCE.
730
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:16,281
>> Jon: I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO
731
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,693
APOLOGIZE TO MY CONSTITUENTS FOR
732
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,915
LYING TO THEM.
733
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,920
HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD KNOW IT WAS
734
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,792
MY DAD WHO LIED TO ME FIRST,
735
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,691
WHICH CAUSED ME TO LIE TO YOU,
736
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,133
SO IT'S HIS FAULT.
737
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,697
AND IF YOU WANT TO BE PISSED OFF
738
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,096
AT ANYONE, BE PISSED OFF AT HIM,
739
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:33,827
'CAUSE HE DESERVES IT.
740
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:36,336
IN ANY CASE, ALL I CAN OFFER IS
741
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,966
MY CONTRITION, MY RESIGNATION,
742
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:41,311
AND MY IMMEDIATE RETURN OF THE
743
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:42,981
LEASH TO THE CITY.
744
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,105
THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU.
745
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,211
>> WHAT A MONTH.
746
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,323
I'M SORRY THAT IT DID NOT WORK
747
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:50,716
OUT AS DOG MAYOR.
748
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:52,717
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.
749
00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:54,149
>> Jon: OH, YEAH?
750
00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:54,823
>> YEAH.
751
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,321
IT'S THE NUMBER 32, OR WHAT I
752
00:20:57,324 --> 00:21:00,134
LIKE TO CALL "THE HAM-CHURIAN
753
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:01,686
CANDIDATE."
754
00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:02,964
>> Jon: [ SIGHS ]
755
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:04,232
A BRAND-NEW SANDWICH.
756
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:06,170
>> IN HONOR OF YOUR SHORT-LIVED
757
00:21:06,165 --> 00:21:07,295
POLITICAL CAREER.
758
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,870
>> Jon: IT IS...STUNNING.
759
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:09,868
I'M HONORED.
760
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:10,999
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
761
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:13,673
>> Jon: WOW.
762
00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:16,383
MMM.
763
00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:19,346
MMM.
764
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,676
THE CRACK OF THE CRUST, THE
765
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:25,321
TASTE OF THE MUST...ARD.
766
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:27,848
MUSTARD DOING BACKFLIPS ON MY
767
00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:28,924
TONGUE.
768
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,721
FLIPPITY FLOPPITY, TIPPITY
769
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:32,364
TOPPITY.
770
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,729
TASTE, DON'T STOPPITY.
771
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:37,858
TOO MUCH TASTE.
772
00:21:37,864 --> 00:21:40,874
HASTE MAKES TASTE.
773
00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:43,097
NONE GOES TO WASTE WHEN I'M
774
00:21:43,102 --> 00:21:45,172
CHEWING, WHEN I'M DOING.
775
00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:48,241
MMM. DON'T STOP THE FLAVOR.
776
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,210
THE FLAVOR WAVE -- WAVE-FLAV.
47120
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