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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,270 --> 00:00:03,470 >> Jon: [ Distorted ] WHAT 2 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:05,041 HAPPENS WHEN YOU TAKE A FAMILY 3 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:06,239 FROM THE WITNESS PROTECTION 4 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:06,740 PROGRAM... 5 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,380 MOVE THEM TO NEW YORK CITY... 6 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,036 AND GIVE THEM THEIR OWN REALITY 7 00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:10,414 SHOW? 8 00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:12,251 >> * DA-DA-DA-DA, DO-DO 9 00:00:12,246 --> 00:00:13,706 >> Jon: PREVIOUSLY ON 10 00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,054 "DELOCATED!"... 11 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:15,779 >> THIS IS JON. 12 00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:16,723 >> HEY. RYAN. 13 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:17,717 >> Jon: HEY, RYAN. 14 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,288 RYAN, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A 15 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:19,717 LIVING? 16 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:20,750 >> I SELL SIDING. 17 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,224 >> Jon: PBHT! BORING! 18 00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:24,063 YOU KNOW, IT'S A PLACE CALLED 19 00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,758 NICKY'S GRINDERS, AND IT'S THE 20 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,260 BEST SUB SHOP IN NEW YORK. 21 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:29,602 >> YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT NICKY'S. 22 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:30,327 IT'S AMAZING. 23 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:31,571 >> Jon: YEAH, A LOT OF THEIR 24 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:32,465 SUBS ARE LIKE THAT. 25 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,436 A LOT OF WEIRD COMBOS. 26 00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:39,766 I HEARD THAT SCARLETT JOHANSSON 27 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,413 IS GONNA DO A COVER OF HER 28 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,309 TOM WAITS COVERS. 29 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:43,640 >> OH, LIKE A COVER OF A COVER? 30 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,154 >> Jon: SHE'S, LIKE, COVERING 31 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:45,576 HERSELF. 32 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:46,749 >> SOUNDS KIND OF GOOD. 33 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,277 >> Jon: I THINK IT SOUNDS KIND 34 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,152 OF INTERESTING. 35 00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:49,580 >> YEAH. 36 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,653 >> Jon: THERE HE IS. 37 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:52,292 NICKY! 38 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:52,746 >> HEY! 39 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,423 HOW'S MY FAVORITE CUSTOMER? 40 00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:56,092 >> Jon: GOOD. HOW YOU DOING? 41 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,630 >> KIM, ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU. 42 00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:58,525 >> HI, NICKY. 43 00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:00,256 >> WHAT IS THIS, 30 DAYS IN A 44 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:00,591 ROW? 45 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:01,464 >> Jon: 31. 46 00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,162 ALMOST DONE EATING MY WAY 47 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,304 THROUGH THE MENU. 48 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,468 >> [ LAUGHS ] 49 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,696 31. OF COURSE. 50 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,170 WHICH IS WHY I MADE YOU NUMBER 51 00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:09,600 31. 52 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,113 >> Jon: I KNEW IT. 53 00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:11,605 >> AH. 54 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,435 >> Jon: I KNEW YOU KNEW. 55 00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,311 OH, LOOK AT THIS. 56 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,109 >> GET INTO IT. 57 00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:19,211 >> Jon: [ EXHALES ] 58 00:01:19,213 --> 00:01:20,513 OH, YEAH. 59 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,124 [ SNIFFS ] 60 00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,116 MMM. 61 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:29,789 MMM. 62 00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,560 THE CRACK OF THE CRUST, COOLNESS 63 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,160 OF DIJON COUNTERBALANCING THE 64 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,633 SNAP OF PEPPER TURKEY. 65 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,301 THE PEPPER TURKEY CRACKING THE 66 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,570 WHIP ON MY TASTE BUDS. 67 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,799 THE OARSMEN ON THE SLAVE SHIP OF 68 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,414 MY MOUTH. 69 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:47,377 THERE IT IS. 70 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,305 SUN-DRIED TOMATO, YEAH -- THE 71 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:51,150 SIGNATURE INGREDIENT IN THE 72 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:51,805 NUMBER 31. 73 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,482 MMM. NEVER OVERPOWERING. 74 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,521 JUST ENOUGH TO REMIND ME OF ITS 75 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,416 PRESENCE, PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO 76 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,388 WITH THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH. 77 00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:00,417 MMM. 78 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:02,691 PEEK-A...BOO. 79 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,390 PEEK-A...OOH. 80 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:05,832 PEEK-A...YUM. 81 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,826 PEEK-A INTO MY TUM. 82 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:08,558 MMM. 83 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:09,662 >> OKAY, JON. COME ON. 84 00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,203 SNAP OUT OF THE GRINDER HIGH. 85 00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:13,269 >> Jon: HMM? 86 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:13,597 WHOA. 87 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:14,501 [ LAUGHS ] WHOA! 88 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,242 >> [ LAUGHS ] 89 00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:16,836 >> Jon: WOW! 90 00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:19,167 OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE. 91 00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,513 AS ALWAYS, PERFECTION. 92 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:21,378 >> [ SIGHS ] 93 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,275 >> Jon: WOW. 94 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:23,736 THANK YOU. 95 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,714 >> COME WITH ME. 96 00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:29,276 >> Jon: WOW. 97 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:30,553 >> LISTEN, I'VE BEEN RUNNING 98 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:34,261 THIS PLACE ALONE FOR 35 YEARS. 99 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:37,255 MADE EVERY SUB MYSELF. 100 00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:39,428 I NEVER TRUSTED ANYONE ELSE TO 101 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:40,357 HELP ME. 102 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,431 I WANT YOU TO COME WORK AT 103 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:44,270 NICKY'S. 104 00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:47,204 >> Jon: OH, MY GOD! 105 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,541 WASN'T I JUST TELLING YOU THAT I 106 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:49,696 WOULD LOVE TO WORK HERE?! 107 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:50,273 >> NO. 108 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,871 >> Jon: WELL, I WAS THINKING IT, 109 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,442 OKAY, AND IT SEEMED OBVIOUS. 110 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,941 OH, MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! 111 00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,642 OH, I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS F-FOR 112 00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,214 SUBS AND JUST IDEAS FOR THE 113 00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,712 RESTAURANT -- STUFF WE CAN DO 114 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:00,813 AND PROMOTION STUFF. 115 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:04,724 OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! 116 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,448 GOT A NUMBER 19. 117 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:09,294 NUMBER 19 -- CROUCHING TURKEY, 118 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,560 HIDDEN DRESSING. 119 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,729 ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. 120 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:15,456 NO HOAGIE FOR OLD MEN, AND THAT 121 00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:17,433 IS WIDE. 122 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,644 MAKES ME FEEL LIKE TOM CRUISE IN 123 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:25,566 "COCKTAIL." 124 00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,213 BOOM. 125 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,453 >> SO, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING AT 126 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:31,845 NICKY'S? 127 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,305 >> Jon: OH, MY GOD, IT'S LIKE A 128 00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:33,754 DREAM JOB. 129 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,247 I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY WORK 130 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:35,579 THERE. 131 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:36,283 >> [ LAUGHS ] 132 00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:37,494 >> Jon: OH, WHO HAVE WE HERE 133 00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:38,415 COMING UP? 134 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,449 WHO IS THIS LITTLE FUNNY FACE? 135 00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:41,864 >> MR. LITTLE JEANS. 136 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,855 >> Jon: MR. LITTLE JEANS, HI. 137 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,987 YOU ARE A CUTIE PIE. 138 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,763 OH, MR. LITTLE JEANS, HI. 139 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,831 WINNER RIGHT THERE. THANK YOU. 140 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:50,460 CUTE! 141 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,334 >> BOY, YOU REALLY LOVE DOGS, 142 00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:52,703 HUH? 143 00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:53,830 >> Jon: OH, YEAH. 144 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,944 DOGS ARE GREAT. 145 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:55,835 LOOK AT THAT GUY. 146 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,306 GO GET THAT BALL. GO GET IT! 147 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:57,935 THERE HE GOES! 148 00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:58,638 [ LAUGHS ] 149 00:03:58,639 --> 00:03:59,769 >> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 150 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:00,773 YOU SHOULD GET A DOG. 151 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:01,614 >> Jon: WHAT? 152 00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:02,779 >> YOU SHOULD GET A DOG. 153 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,306 >> Jon: I WILL NEVER GET A DOG! 154 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,012 YOU HEAR ME?! 155 00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:06,982 EVER! EVER AGAIN! 156 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,520 NO, I'LL NEVER GET A DOG! 157 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:12,447 [ Crying ] I'LL NEVER GET A DOG! 158 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:14,723 >> WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? 159 00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:17,362 >> Jon: EVER! EVER! 160 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,658 >> JON! 161 00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,961 COME ON, JON! 162 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,803 >> YOU KNOW, JON ACTUALLY HAD A 163 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:25,368 DOG. 164 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,026 HE LEFT IT WITH HIS PARENTS WHEN 165 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,874 HE ENTERED THE PROGRAM, AND THE 166 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,739 MOB HAD IT ASSASSINATED. 167 00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:31,668 >> MY GOD. 168 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:32,012 JON! 169 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,565 >> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T 170 00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:34,314 KNOW THAT. 171 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:35,738 DIDN'T YOU READ HIS FILE? 172 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:39,483 >> SKIPPED CERTAIN PARTS OF IT. 173 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,380 HANG ON. 174 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,352 I THINK I FOUND HIM. 175 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:51,986 HEY, JON. 176 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,032 >> HEY. 177 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,827 >> LOOK, UH, KIM TOLD ME ABOUT 178 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,500 YOUR DOG. 179 00:04:58,499 --> 00:04:59,869 >> Jon: I'M SORRY I YELLED AT 180 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:00,397 YOU. 181 00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:00,901 >> OH, NO. 182 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,041 HEY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. 183 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,565 >> Jon: [ Crying ] IT'S NOT. 184 00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:04,411 >> IT'S OKAY. 185 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,835 HEY, WHAT WAS YOUR DOG'S NAME? 186 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,509 >> Jon: DING DONG FOOTBALL. 187 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,409 PRETTY AWESOME NAME FOR A DOG, 188 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:11,951 RIGHT? 189 00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:12,675 >> MM-HMM. 190 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:13,550 >> Jon: [ SOBS ] 191 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,017 >> YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE 192 00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,575 EVER MET ANYONE WHO CARED ABOUT 193 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,524 DOGS AS MUCH AS YOU. 194 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,389 >> Jon: [ EXHALES ] 195 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:20,547 >> Y-YOU'RE LIKE THE MAYOR OF 196 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,564 DOGS. 197 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,355 [ BOTH LAUGH ] 198 00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,028 >> Jon: WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE... 199 00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:28,026 GUARDIAN OF ALL DOGS? 200 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:28,698 >> YEAH. 201 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,726 YEAH. I-I GUESS. YEAH. 202 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,932 >> Jon: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. 203 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,874 >> WHAT' A GREAT IDEA? 204 00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:39,739 >> Jon: DOG MAYOR. 205 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:40,710 >> YEAH. 206 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,678 >> Jon: I'M GONNA BE THAT. 207 00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:45,748 [ DOG BARKS ] 208 00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:49,546 HI, FOLKS. 209 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,390 I AM RUNNING FOR, UH, NEW YORK 210 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:51,945 DOG MAYOR. 211 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,052 WE LOVE THE CITY. 212 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:54,093 WE LOVE OUR DOGS. 213 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,887 LET'S HAVE SOMEBODY TO BE THEIR 214 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:56,789 REPRESENTATIVE. 215 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:57,960 WE'VE GOT GREAT PARKS. 216 00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,388 WE'VE GOT GREAT DOG RUNS. 217 00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:00,593 LET'S MAKE THEM BETTER. 218 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:01,964 I'D LIKE TO SEE WATER SLIDES. 219 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,432 PUT GRAVY BOWLS IN THERE. 220 00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:07,671 DOGS GO NUTS FOR GRAVY. 221 00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:09,398 CATS HAVE CATNIP. 222 00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:10,843 HOW ABOUT SOME DOGNIP FOR DOGS? 223 00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,438 OH, MY GOOD-- OH, GET UP THERE. 224 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:12,910 OH, YEAH. 225 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,506 WHY SHOULD CATS BE THE ONLY ONES 226 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,138 TO ENJOY THAT ASPECT OF BEING AN 227 00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:16,813 ANIMAL? 228 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:17,580 TWO GIRLS. 229 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,408 HEY, THEY LOVE HAVING FUN, HUH? 230 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,783 I WANT TO HAVE FREE BACON FOR 231 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:21,151 DOGS. 232 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,848 IT'S VERY SIMILAR TO HANDING OUT 233 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,490 FREE CONDOMS, HANDING OUT FREE 234 00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:25,915 NEEDLES FOR AIDS PATIENTS AND 235 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:26,489 ALL THAT. 236 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,687 LET'S EXPAND OFF-LEASH HOURS. 237 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:28,918 OH, WHAT A SWEETIE. HELLO. 238 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:29,992 TAKE THESE FENCES DOWN. 239 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,460 GIVE THE DOGS THE GREEN GRASS 240 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:31,989 THEY CRAVE. 241 00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,462 I HOPE TO GET YOUR VOTE -- IF 242 00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:34,831 YOU CAN TEACH HER HOW TO PULL A 243 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:35,428 LEVER... 244 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:36,459 >> [ Laughing ] YEAH. 245 00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,834 >> Jon: ...AT THE VOTING BOOTH. 246 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,801 [ Laughing ] ALL RIGHT. 247 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,540 I HAD A REALLY SOLID DAY 248 00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,595 CAMPAIGNING TODAY, GUYS -- REAL 249 00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:43,974 SOLID. 250 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:45,611 YOU KNOW, DAVID, WHEN I BECOME 251 00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:46,966 DOG MAYOR, THAT IS GONNA MAKE 252 00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:47,984 YOU FIRST PUP. 253 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:48,675 >> AWW. 254 00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:49,676 >> OH, MY GOD. 255 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:51,447 YOU'RE RUNNING FOR AN OFFICE 256 00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:52,845 THAT DOESN'T EXIST. 257 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:53,946 NO ONE CARES. 258 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,047 >> RYAN, JON CARES. 259 00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:57,149 >> Jon: LOOK, YOU CAN BE AS 260 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,550 BITTER AS YOU WANT ABOUT YOUR 261 00:06:58,552 --> 00:06:59,792 OWN [BLEEP] LIFE, BUT MAYBE YOU 262 00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:00,947 COULD ALSO TRY BEING A LITTLE 263 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:01,994 PRODUCTIVE, FOR A CHANGE. 264 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,189 TAKE A BREAK FROM THE COMPLAIN 265 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:03,690 TRAIN. 266 00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:04,461 "LOOK AT ME! 267 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,788 I'M GONNA PUT SIDING ON A HOUSE! 268 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,633 THAT'S BETTER. 269 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,897 THAT'S BETTER THAN TRYING TO DO 270 00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,155 SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR DOGS." 271 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,462 >> YOU'RE IN THE WITNESS 272 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:11,804 PROTECTION PROGRAM, ALL RIGHT? 273 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,029 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HIDING. 274 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,573 >> Jon: I CAN STATE FACTS, TOO. 275 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,668 YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE. 276 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:16,469 >> OH, JON. 277 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,070 OH, HERE HE GOES. HERE HE GOES. 278 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:18,811 >> RYAN. 279 00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,206 >> FACT -- YOU'RE A DUMMY. 280 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:21,137 THAT'S A FACT. 281 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,141 YOU'RE AN IDIOT. 282 00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,882 >> Jon: KEEP WALKING, FRIEND. 283 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:24,977 >> YOU'RE A DUMMY. 284 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:27,078 >> Jon: YEP. THAT'S ME. 285 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,880 HEY, UM, BY THE WAY, I, UH... 286 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,194 I NEED TO ASK YOU A FAVOR. 287 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:36,586 UH, I NEED SOME TIME OFF, AND I 288 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,990 NEED TO BORROW SOME CASH. 289 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,661 >> DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD. 290 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,660 WHATEVER IT IS. 291 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,562 YOU'RE LIKE A SON TO ME. 292 00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:47,234 WHATEVER -- GAMBLING, DRUGS, 293 00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:48,074 PORNOGRAPHY. 294 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,238 >> Jon: YEAH, IT'S FOR 295 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:49,996 DOG MAYOR. 296 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:50,873 >> [ SCOFFS ] 297 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,511 >> Jon: I NEED SOME MONEY FOR 298 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,166 CAMPAIGN ADS. 299 00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,843 >> JON, I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH 300 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:56,943 YOU. 301 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,684 DOG MAYOR MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. 302 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,179 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MADE NO 303 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:01,850 SENSE TO ME THE FIRST TIME I 304 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:02,879 HEARD ABOUT IT? 305 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:04,723 THE MAN IN THE MOON. 306 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:05,788 >> Jon: [ LAUGHS ] 307 00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,186 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, BUDDY. 308 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:10,617 I APPRECIATE IT. 309 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,194 "POP, POP!" -- THAT'S WHAT 310 00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,192 POPCORN SAYS. 311 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,763 HEY, LET'S LOOK ALIVE. 312 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,902 WAKE UP, PLEASE. 313 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,126 HEY, WAKE UP. WE'RE ALMOST ON. 314 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,271 >> IS ANYONE EVEN GONNA SEE 315 00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:19,966 THIS, HONEY? 316 00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:21,097 >> Jon: IF WE'RE UP, OTHER 317 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:21,871 PEOPLE ARE UP. 318 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,099 >> David: WE'RE ONLY UP 'CAUSE 319 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:23,873 WE HAV TO BE. 320 00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:24,741 >> DAMN IT, DAVID! 321 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:25,808 YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS AT? 322 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:26,866 I WAS DOING IT UP AT THE 323 00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,044 TECHNICAL EMMY AFTER PARTY. 324 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:28,741 I CAME HERE. 325 00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,042 YOU CAN'T SPEND TWO SECONDS FOR 326 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:30,713 YOUR FATHER? 327 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:31,881 >> Jon: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 328 00:08:31,879 --> 00:08:33,049 AND STAY OUT OF MY POPCORN. 329 00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,046 HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. 330 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,217 >> YOU'RE WATCHING 331 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,715 "BEACH DETECTIVES" ON 332 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,117 CABLE-ACCESS CHANNEL 126. 333 00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,989 >> Jon: PEOPLE HAVE GROCERY 334 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,658 STORES. 335 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,056 SO DO DOGS. 336 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,227 PEOPLE HAVE DOCTORS. 337 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,796 SO DO DOGS. 338 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:50,255 PEOPLE ALSO HAVE MAYORS. 339 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,903 SO WHY DON'T DOGS? 340 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,000 VOTE JON FOR DOG MAYOR. 341 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,572 I'M JON, AND I APPROVE THIS 342 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,071 MESSAGE. 343 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:02,012 >> YAY! 344 00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,109 >> Jon: THANK YOU. 345 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,311 >> HI. I'M RYAN ANDERSON. 346 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,182 >> OH, MY GOD. 347 00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,649 >> AND I'M ALSO RUNNING FOR 348 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,178 DOG MAYOR. 349 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,751 I DON'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE 350 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,080 WITH ANIMALS, AND I HAVE NO 351 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,154 POLITICAL EXPERIENCE 352 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:12,922 WHATSOEVER. 353 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,590 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ELSE I DON'T 354 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,988 HAVE -- A BOUNTY ON MY HEAD BY 355 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,759 THE RUSSIAN MAFIA AND A SKI 356 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:18,828 MASK ON MY FACE. 357 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,626 I PAID FOR 10 MORE SECONDS OF 358 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:21,758 THIS COMMERCIAL. 359 00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,332 TAKE THAT TIME TO THINK ABOUT 360 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,300 IT. 361 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,935 I'M RYAN ANDERSON, AND I 362 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,911 APPROVE THIS MESSAGE. 363 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,252 >> Jon: JAY, GET OUT! 364 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,050 GO! 365 00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:46,352 >> WHAT THE "F" IS WRONG WITH 366 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,053 YOU, RYAN? 367 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:47,694 >> WHAT? 368 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:48,288 >> HONESTLY. 369 00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:49,718 >> OH, I'M JUST TAKING JON'S 370 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:50,123 ADVICE. 371 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,293 HE SAID TO DO SOMETHING 372 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:52,631 PRODUCTIVE WITH MY LIFE. 373 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,226 YOU KNOW WHAT? 374 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,696 I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DEBATE. 375 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,625 >> Jon: OH, YEAH? 376 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:56,059 >> YEAH. 377 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,303 >> Jon: ALL RIGHT, HOMEBOY, 378 00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:58,627 LET'S ROCK THE ISSUES. 379 00:09:58,632 --> 00:09:59,972 >> YEAH. MAY THE BEST MAN WIN. 380 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,127 >> Jon: ALL RIGHT, GROOM. 381 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,644 >> WHAT DO YOU MEAN "GROOM"? 382 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:03,966 >> Jon: YOU SAID "MAY THE BEST 383 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:04,841 MAN WIN," RIGHT? 384 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:05,308 >> YEAH. 385 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,635 >> Jon: I'M THE BEST MAN. 386 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,370 YOU'RE THE GROOM. 387 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:08,214 >> OOH! 388 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,378 >> DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT A 389 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,807 PHENOMENAL [BLEEP] YOU ARE? 390 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,012 >> Jon: HEY, MAN, CALL ME 391 00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,383 WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT STARTING 392 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,921 NEXT WEEK, YOU BETTER GET USED 393 00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,076 TO CALLING ME "HIS ROYAL 394 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,394 MAJESTY, THE DUKE EARL OF DOG 395 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:19,785 MAYORS." 396 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,070 >> I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT MY 397 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:33,665 OPPONENT DOESN'T EVEN OWN A DOG. 398 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,337 HOW DOES SOMEBODY THAT DOESN'T 399 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,735 EVEN OWN A DOG EXPECT YOU TO 400 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,337 BELIEVE THAT HE HAS WHAT IT 401 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,538 TAKES TO BE DOG MAYOR? 402 00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,269 >> Jon: YOU KNOW, MY OPPONENT 403 00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,114 LIKES TO POINT OUT THAT I DO NOT 404 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,540 OWN A DOG, AND YET WHAT HE 405 00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:46,214 DOESN'T POINT OUT IS THAT HE 406 00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:47,783 BOUGHT HIS TOKEN DOG JUST THIS 407 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,551 PAST WEEK. 408 00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:51,688 >> DO YOU EVEN OWN A DOG? 409 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:54,345 DO YOU OWN A DOG -- YES OR "NO"? 410 00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,725 >> Jon: NO. 411 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,457 I DO NOT OWN A DOG. 412 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,561 WANT TO KNOW WHY? 413 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,533 IT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS GUNNED DOWN 414 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,402 BY THE MOB. 415 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,600 THOSE HEARTLESS, GUTLESS, 416 00:11:09,602 --> 00:11:11,442 ANIMAL-HATING MIRMINSKYS KILLED 417 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,308 MY DOG, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY YOU 418 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:15,106 WANT ME TO BE DOG MAYOR, 'CAUSE 419 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,578 I'LL MAKE SURE YOUR DOG IS SAFE. 420 00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:17,536 IS YOUR DOG SAFE? 421 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,084 IS YOUR DOG SAFE, BACK THERE? 422 00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:19,779 IS YOUR DOG SAFE? 423 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,250 WHAT'S TO STOP THE MOB FROM 424 00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:22,248 KILLING YOUR DOG? 425 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,579 RIGHT NOW. BOOM -- GUN. BOOM. 426 00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:24,453 YOUR DOG'S DEAD. 427 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:25,421 MACHINE GUNS. 428 00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,088 [ IMITATES MACHINE GUN ] 429 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,417 THAT'S THE SOUND YOU'RE GONNA 430 00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:29,791 HEAR WITH THIS GUY IN CHARGE. 431 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,120 ME -- YOUR DOGS ARE SAFE. 432 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,134 THAT'S RIGHT. 433 00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:34,155 UH, ALSO, REAL QUICK, I DO WANT 434 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:36,331 TO THANK NICKY FROM 435 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,499 NICKY'S GRINDERS. 436 00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,267 THAT IS HOME OF THE 7-FOOT PARTY 437 00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,297 SUB. 438 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,601 * 'CAUSE WITH ONE FOOT MORE, THE 439 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,613 PARTY STILL ROARS * 440 00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:46,265 * YEAH 441 00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:46,613 RAWR! 442 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:48,136 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FOLKS. 443 00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:48,681 THANK YOU. 444 00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:49,635 SO, I DON'T KNOW. 445 00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,112 ALL IN ALL -- PRETTY GOOD 446 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:51,781 SPEECH, RIGHT? 447 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:52,449 >> YEAH. 448 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,105 >> JON. 449 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,653 DING DONG FOOTBALL -- THAT IS 450 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,318 THE NARRATIVE FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN. 451 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,787 THAT'S YOUR JOHN McCAIN P.O.W. 452 00:11:58,786 --> 00:11:59,486 ANGLE, HUH? 453 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,586 >> Jon: McCAIN -- YES. 454 00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,487 >> David: DIDN'T McCAIN LOSE? 455 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:03,759 >> JON, DO YOU HAVE ANY 456 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,457 PHOTOS -- OLD PHOTOS OF YOU AND 457 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,128 THE DOG? 458 00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,626 >> Jon: UH, I'M SURE MY PARENTS 459 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,127 DO. 460 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,458 LET ME GIVE THEM A CALL. 461 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,133 >> Hello? 462 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:11,801 >> Jon: HEY, DAD. 463 00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:13,329 DO YOU HAVE ANY OLD PHOTOS OF ME 464 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,433 AND DING DONG FOOTBALL? 465 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:15,674 I'M DOING THIS CAMPAIGN RIGHT 466 00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:17,138 NOW, AND IT'S SORT OF BASED ON 467 00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,467 HOW THE MIRMINSKYS KILLED HER. 468 00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,141 >> Jon, the Mirminskys didn't 469 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,311 kill DING DONG Football. 470 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,150 >> Jon: WHAT? 471 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:26,645 >>killed her. 472 00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:27,646 Hit her with my car. 473 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,177 Your mother and I thought it 474 00:12:29,182 --> 00:12:30,522 would be easier on you if we 475 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,677 just told you it was the 476 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:32,454 Mirminskys. 477 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,722 >> Jon: DAD, DOES ANYONE ELSE 478 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:34,650 KNOW ABOUT THIS? 479 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,164 >> No. 480 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:37,656 >> Jon: KEEP YOUR [BLEEP] MOUTH 481 00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:38,887 SHUT ABOUT THIS, DO YOU 482 00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:39,692 UNDERSTAND? 483 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,362 YOU DON'T TELL A [BLEEP] SOUL. 484 00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:41,861 >> What? 485 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,462 >> Jon: SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP 486 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:44,533 ABOUT THIS. 487 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:47,571 OH, MY GOD. 488 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,167 MIGHTY JOE JON, WE NEED TO TALK. 489 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,368 >> Jon: I GOT TO SAY, THE MOST 490 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:20,526 IMPORTANT THING FOR ME IS 491 00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:21,603 GETTING A CHEDDAR CHEDDAR 492 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:22,271 BANG BANG. 493 00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,499 THAT IS WHAT IS ON MY MIND. 494 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,603 >> THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING 495 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:24,944 ABOUT. 496 00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:25,708 >> Jon: WHOA. 497 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,665 WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON? 498 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,881 >> WHAT'S GOING ON? 499 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,450 >> NICKY'S BEEN KIDNAPPED. 500 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,377 >> Jon: WHAT?! 501 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,722 >> KIDNAPPED. 502 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,787 >> Jon: "CONTINUE THE DOG MAYOR 503 00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,216 LIES, NICKY DIES. 504 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,791 MAKE SOME FORGIVES, NICKY 505 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,859 LIVES." 506 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,288 DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS? 507 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:46,963 WHAT HAPPENED? 508 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:47,930 >> NO IDEA, JON. 509 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,798 >> JON. 510 00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,396 LOOK, IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH 511 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:52,928 ABOUT DING DONG FOOTBALL, THAT'S 512 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,873 IT -- CAMPAIGN OVER. 513 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:58,638 >> Jon: [ SIGHS ] 514 00:13:58,638 --> 00:13:59,638 ALL RIGHT. 515 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,279 WHAT IF -- WHAT IF I SAVE NICKY? 516 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,275 ALL RIGHT? 517 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,906 THEN NO ONE CARES IF I LIED. 518 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,252 >> I'M LISTENING. 519 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,916 >> Jon: ALL RIGHT, MIRMINSKYS 520 00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,245 LOVE DOGS, RIGHT? 521 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,279 >> PASSIONATELY. 522 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,723 >> Jon: I HAVE AN IDEA. 523 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,288 ALL RIGHT, THEY GOT MIKE. 524 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,256 THEY'RE NOT GETTING NICKY. 525 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:19,828 [ MEN SPEAKING RUSSIAN ] 526 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,656 >> HOW DO YOU SAY "READ 'EM AND 527 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,961 WEEP" IN RUSSIAN? 528 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,934 [ LOUD THUD ] 529 00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:30,801 >> [ YELLS IN RUSSIAN ] 530 00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,909 >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, EVERYBODY. 531 00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:39,681 LISTEN TO YOUR BOSS. 532 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,279 YOU'RE GONNA "NESTRA LIGHT" 533 00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:42,581 RIGHT NOW. 534 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,522 NICKY, YOU OKAY? 535 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:44,516 >> [ MUFFLED SPEAKING ] 536 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:45,787 >> Jon: IT'S JON. 537 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,415 EVERYTHING IS A-OKAY. 538 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,020 WE ARE "NESTRA LIGHTING" OUT 539 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:49,662 HERE. 540 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:50,786 MOVING RIGHT OVER HERE. 541 00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,430 NICKY, I'M COMING. 542 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,765 >> Jon: NICKY, YOU GOOD? 543 00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:02,968 YOU OKAY? 544 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:05,510 EVERYBODY, BE COOL. 545 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,005 WE'RE GOOD. 546 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,337 THERE'S THE DOOR. 547 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,682 WE'RE GONNA WALK OUT. 548 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,277 "NESTRA LIGHT." 549 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,776 >> ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, HAVE A 550 00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:18,554 GOOD EVENING. 551 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:19,991 SERGEI... 552 00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,957 IT'S A REAL PLEASURE. 553 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:33,334 >> IDIOT! 554 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,003 >> AND TO CONGRATULATE JON 555 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,872 ON HIS DARING RESCUE OF ONE 556 00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,739 OF NEW YORK'S MOST BELOVED 557 00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,538 SANDWICH MAKERS, NICKY OF 558 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,010 NICKY'S GRINDERS. 559 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:43,910 [ APPLAUSE ] 560 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,750 SO, JON, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE 561 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,645 THAT I PRESENT TO YOU THE LEASH 562 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:50,017 TO THE CITY AND BESTOW UPON YOU 563 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,087 THE TITLE OF DOG MAYOR OF 564 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,985 NEW YORK CITY. 565 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,487 [ APPLAUSE ] 566 00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:56,758 >> Jon: THANK YOU. 567 00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:58,856 MY FIRST OFFICIAL ACT AS DOG 568 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:01,058 MAYOR IS DEDICATED NOT ONLY TO 569 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:04,031 MY DEAD DOG, DING DONG FOOTBALL, 570 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,401 BUT ALSO TO ALL FALLEN DOGS 571 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:07,769 ACROSS THE LAND. 572 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,037 [ APPLAUSE ] 573 00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:11,937 I'M PROUD TO UNVEIL THE TOMB OF 574 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:14,368 THE UNKNOWN DOG. 575 00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:20,607 >> ALL RIGHT. 576 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,383 >> Jon: THANK YOU, MR. MAYOR. 577 00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:23,452 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 578 00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:24,920 THANK YOU, EVERYONE, FOR COMING. 579 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:25,617 THANK YOU. 580 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:26,718 NOW, HERE'S THE THING. 581 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,119 EVERYONE LOVES THEIR DOGS, OKAY? 582 00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,721 UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DON'T LOVE 583 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,122 PICKING UP THEIR DOGS' NUMBER 2. 584 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,734 THEY DON'T CARE, ALL RIGHT? 585 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,425 AND THAT IS WHY I AM STARTING A 586 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,897 BRAND-NEW CAMPAIGN CALLED THE 587 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,525 "GIVE A [BLEEP] COMMISSION." 588 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,070 IT'S TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO PICK 589 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,096 UP THEIR DOGS' POOPS. 590 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:40,930 >> David: WAIT. 591 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,473 SHOULDN'T IT BE CALLED "TAKE A 592 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:42,939 [BLEEP]"? 593 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:43,765 >> Jon: UH, NO. 594 00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,040 THEN PEOPLE WOULD JUST TAKE 595 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:45,968 [BLEEP] EVERYWHERE. 596 00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,072 >> I AGREE WITH DAVID. 597 00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,584 I THINK "GIVE A [BLEEP]" SEEMS 598 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:49,035 CONFUSING. 599 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:50,412 >> OKAY, LOOK, W-WE TALKED ABOUT 600 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:50,740 BOTH. 601 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:51,583 I THINK BOTH WORK. 602 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:52,608 >> Jon: BOTH OF THEM WORK. 603 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:53,612 WE FOCUS-GROUPED, GUYS. 604 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:54,153 >> NO, NO, NO. 605 00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:55,147 "TAKE A [BLEEP]" IS MORE 606 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:55,748 LOGICAL. 607 00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:56,818 >> I THINK "GIVE A [BLEEP]" 608 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,046 SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE ASKING ME TO 609 00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,121 GIVE YOU MY [BLEEP] 610 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:00,619 >> Jon: HEY, HOW ABOUT IF 611 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:01,720 EVERYONE SHUTS UP? 612 00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:02,591 I'M DOG MAYOR. 613 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:03,919 I DECIDE WHAT'S GOING ON. 614 00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:05,093 IT'S "GIVE A [BLEEP]" 615 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,432 WE MADE THE BUTTONS. 616 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:07,586 DECISION'S FINAL, GOT IT? 617 00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:08,904 >> YEAH, NO, I AGREE, THOUGH. 618 00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,755 THAT'S CONFUSING. 619 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,062 >> Jon: JAY, WHY ARE YOU EVEN 620 00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:11,604 HERE? 621 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:12,828 SHOULDN'T YOU BE BACK AT THE 622 00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:13,172 DESK? 623 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,566 >> I CAME TO SUPPORT YOU. 624 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,137 >> EXCUSE ME. 625 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,065 IS THAT A FAKE MUSTACHE? 626 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:18,570 >> Jon: I DIDN'T TELL THE TRUTH, 627 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:19,741 AND THAT COULD HAVE GOT YOU 628 00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:20,069 KILLED. 629 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,443 >> COULDA, WOULDA, SHOULDA, 630 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:22,081 GOUDA. 631 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,605 JON, YOU SAVED MY LIFE. 632 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,681 >> Jon: I KNOW. 633 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:27,648 >> AND FOR THAT, I'M GONNA REPAY 634 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:28,177 THE FAVOR. 635 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,821 THERE'S A SAYING IN THE GREEK 636 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,946 VILLAGE I COME FROM. 637 00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:34,791 "VENDETTA IS A DISH SERVED 638 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:37,917 BETTER WITH COLD FETA." 639 00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:40,164 I KNOW A GUY WHO CAN HAVE SERGEI 640 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,490 ELIMINATED -- CCK!-- NO 641 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:42,604 PROBLEMS. 642 00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:45,025 THEODORE GREGOROPOULOS. 643 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,471 HE'S VERY EXPENSIVE. 644 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,966 >> Jon: JUST HIRE THIS GUY. 645 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:48,537 OKAY? 646 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,095 I'LL COME UP WITH THE MONEY. 647 00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:51,643 THANK YOU. 648 00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,808 EXCUSE ME. HI, THERE. 649 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,036 THAT'S A REALLY BEAUTIFUL DOG. 650 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:55,941 >> OH, THANK YOU. 651 00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:56,982 >> Jon: IS HE NEUTERED? 652 00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:57,806 >> NO, HE'S NOT. 653 00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:58,850 >> Jon: OH. ALL RIGHT. 654 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:02,515 WELL, THEN, THAT GETS YOU... 655 00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:03,645 ONE OF THESE. 656 00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:04,550 IT'S A NEW LAW. 657 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:05,821 IT'S A MANDATORY SPAY AND 658 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,518 NEUTERING, AND THAT'S $100 FINE 659 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,720 PER BALL. 660 00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:10,662 >> SAYS WHO? 661 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,487 >> Jon: SAYS NEW YORK'S NEW DOG 662 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:13,892 MAYOR, THAT'S WHO. 663 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:16,703 >> MAN, GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF. 664 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,826 ASSHOLE. 665 00:18:25,872 --> 00:18:27,142 >> Jon: H-HEY, MAN. 666 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:29,040 THIS IS, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT... 667 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:29,911 >> I KNOW. 668 00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:30,839 LISTEN, UM... 669 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,683 >> Jon: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? 670 00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,009 I'M GETTING DESPERATE HERE. 671 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,523 >> I MAY HAVE A FEW CORPORATE 672 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:36,915 CONNECTIONS THAT MAY HELP YOU. 673 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:37,846 >> Jon: OH, YEAH? 674 00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,820 >> I'LL GIVE THEM A CALL. 675 00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,918 >> NOW, MIGHTY JOE JON, THE 676 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:45,733 BLACK BLOND, INFORMS ME THAT 677 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,685 THERE'S A PROBLEM THAT YOU ARE 678 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,764 TRYING TO ELIMINATE, AND YOU 679 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,832 NEED TO RAISE SOME CAPITAL. 680 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,771 NOW, IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR 681 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:58,537 ENDORSEMENT, WE MIGHT BE ABLE 682 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:02,878 TO...COVER THE COST OF THAT. 683 00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,905 >> Jon: YOU KNOW, BOBBY, UH, IT 684 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:08,721 SOUNDS TO ME LIKE... 685 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:09,845 WE HAVE A DEAL. 686 00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:10,919 >> [ CHUCKLES ] 687 00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,217 >> Jon: [ LAUGHS ] 688 00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:13,719 >> THAT'S WONDERFUL! 689 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:14,890 WELL, LET'S CELEBRATE! 690 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:15,787 >> Jon: SURE. 691 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,718 >> LOOK AT THIS -- DOGNIP CIGAR. 692 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,894 RIGHT OFF THE LINE. 693 00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,191 >> Jon: OH, YES. 694 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,063 I'LL SAMPLE THE PRODUCTS. 695 00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:23,061 WHY NOT? 696 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,202 BEFORE WE GIVE IT TO OUR 697 00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:25,197 FOUR-LEGGED FRIENDS. 698 00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:26,768 WHY SHOULD CATS BE THE ONLY ONES 699 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,026 TO HAVE ALL THE FUN, RIGHT? 700 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:29,204 >> EXACTLY. 701 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,202 >> Jon: HERE WE GO. MM. 702 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,943 ALL RIGHT. OH, YEAH. 703 00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,068 THERE WE GO. 704 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:33,912 YEAH. 705 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,036 >> TAKE IT DEEP. 706 00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:36,241 >> Narrator: NICE. 707 00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,583 MM. 708 00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,048 OH, YEAH. THAT'S NICE. 709 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,746 REAL NICE. 710 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:44,148 REAL NICE. MM. 711 00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:45,250 [ EXHALES ] 712 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,722 OH, UH, GET THIS -- TURNS OUT 713 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,960 THE MIRMINSKYS DIDN'T KILL MY 714 00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:50,586 DOG. 715 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:52,260 YOU WANT TO JAM ON THAT FOR A 716 00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:52,929 BIT? 717 00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:53,825 JAM IT, MAN. 718 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,726 YOU KNOW, WE CAN PROBABLY DO 719 00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:58,158 IT -- DO IT OLD-HAT FOR YOU. 720 00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,774 WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! 721 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:00,766 HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! 722 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,097 >> THAT WAS THE SHOCKING 723 00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:03,901 SURVEILLANCE TAPE THAT'S BEEN 724 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,673 CIRCULATING ON THE INTERNET OF 725 00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:07,242 FORMER HERO AND NOW DISGRACED 726 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,610 DOG MAYOR JON GETTING BUSTED 727 00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:10,679 FOR SMOKING DOGNIP. 728 00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,247 WE'RE GOING LIVE NOW TO A PRESS 729 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,275 CONFERENCE. 730 00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:16,281 >> Jon: I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO 731 00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,693 APOLOGIZE TO MY CONSTITUENTS FOR 732 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,915 LYING TO THEM. 733 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,920 HOWEVER, YOU SHOULD KNOW IT WAS 734 00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,792 MY DAD WHO LIED TO ME FIRST, 735 00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,691 WHICH CAUSED ME TO LIE TO YOU, 736 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,133 SO IT'S HIS FAULT. 737 00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,697 AND IF YOU WANT TO BE PISSED OFF 738 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,096 AT ANYONE, BE PISSED OFF AT HIM, 739 00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:33,827 'CAUSE HE DESERVES IT. 740 00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:36,336 IN ANY CASE, ALL I CAN OFFER IS 741 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,966 MY CONTRITION, MY RESIGNATION, 742 00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:41,311 AND MY IMMEDIATE RETURN OF THE 743 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:42,981 LEASH TO THE CITY. 744 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,105 THAT IS ALL. THANK YOU. 745 00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:47,211 >> WHAT A MONTH. 746 00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,323 I'M SORRY THAT IT DID NOT WORK 747 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:50,716 OUT AS DOG MAYOR. 748 00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:52,717 BUT I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. 749 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:54,149 >> Jon: OH, YEAH? 750 00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:54,823 >> YEAH. 751 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,321 IT'S THE NUMBER 32, OR WHAT I 752 00:20:57,324 --> 00:21:00,134 LIKE TO CALL "THE HAM-CHURIAN 753 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:01,686 CANDIDATE." 754 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:02,964 >> Jon: [ SIGHS ] 755 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:04,232 A BRAND-NEW SANDWICH. 756 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:06,170 >> IN HONOR OF YOUR SHORT-LIVED 757 00:21:06,165 --> 00:21:07,295 POLITICAL CAREER. 758 00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,870 >> Jon: IT IS...STUNNING. 759 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:09,868 I'M HONORED. 760 00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:10,999 >> [ CHUCKLES ] 761 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:13,673 >> Jon: WOW. 762 00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:16,383 MMM. 763 00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:19,346 MMM. 764 00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,676 THE CRACK OF THE CRUST, THE 765 00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:25,321 TASTE OF THE MUST...ARD. 766 00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:27,848 MUSTARD DOING BACKFLIPS ON MY 767 00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:28,924 TONGUE. 768 00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,721 FLIPPITY FLOPPITY, TIPPITY 769 00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:32,364 TOPPITY. 770 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,729 TASTE, DON'T STOPPITY. 771 00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:37,858 TOO MUCH TASTE. 772 00:21:37,864 --> 00:21:40,874 HASTE MAKES TASTE. 773 00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:43,097 NONE GOES TO WASTE WHEN I'M 774 00:21:43,102 --> 00:21:45,172 CHEWING, WHEN I'M DOING. 775 00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:48,241 MMM. DON'T STOP THE FLAVOR. 776 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,210 THE FLAVOR WAVE -- WAVE-FLAV. 47120

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