All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S09E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Okay, and this is from Eve.

I had to guess on the size.
Is it too big?

MIKE:
Not unless it's for Larabee.

I'd love it, except...

Marines don't wear flyboy gear.

(no audio)

-Ed, you're-you're muted again.
-Yeah. Yeah,

no, yeah, you are. You got
to turn on the microphone icon.

Neat trick.
Do that to Ryan.

This has been so great,
you guys.

Thanks for all the gifts.

Is there anything that
you didn't get that you wanted?

No. No.
I just...

I wish we could all be together.

Oh, honey,
we will be soon enough.

As soon as the planet stops
trying to kill us. (chuckles)

Technology can go kiss my ass.

Hey, lookit there. Ed's back.

(Chuck laughs)

♪ ♪

Tell your mom
I got to go by Ed's house.

He, he can't figure out
how to turn the audio off.

Can you imagine what we'd hear
out of that guy tonight, huh?

Pretty funny, huh?

I can't believe I'm bringing
a child into this world.

Come on, come on.

It's gonna be fine.
Everything's gonna be fine.

-You're supposed to say that--
you're my dad.

No, no. This is not
like the time I told you

I loved your shrimp jambalaya.
(laughs)

(muttering)

It was delicious,
it really was good.

It's just that every day
there's more bad news.

It's scary out there.

Well, leave it out there.

You felt safe at
the little baby shower, right?

Yeah.

Well, maybe you and Kyle
can come stay here for a while.

Nothing can hurt you in here.

Why is that?

(exhales):
Well, because...

"out there"
would have to come through me,

and I don't see that happening.

Do you?

-No.
-Damn right, no.

Well, look, if-if you're
serious about this,

I'll talk to Kyle,
and we might take you up on it.

I would do anything
to make you feel safe, okay?

-Okay, then. Thank you.
-Yeah.

That makes me feel a lot better.

(Mike sighs)

(Mandy sighs)

What are you doing?

Giving "out there"
my tough guy face.

So it knows what
it's dealing with in here.

-Mm.
-It won't come
through that window.

So far, so good.
I think it's working.

Oh, yeah.

I am scaring the crap
out of "out there."

If it does get in,
somehow gets in here,

I'll just give it
some of that...

-shrimp jambalaya.
-Hey.

(door opens)

Hey, Dad.

Mom wants to know
the plan for dinner.

Ooh. How about all of us sitting
in a leather booth

-at Elway's Steakhouse.
-Ooh.

Sounds nice, if we were allowed
to eat at restaurants right now.

How about steaks at home?

Sounds good.
Very little chance

of seeing Elway there, though.

This pandemic is endless.
When Kyle and I moved back in,

it felt like it had been
going on forever,

and now it feels like
we have forever to go.

It's like time has stopped.

Just like when we go
to the symphony.

Which gives me an idea
for a vlog.

Give me a couple minutes, okay?

Yeah, okay.

(Mandy groans)

Hey. Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man,

where we supply you
for the primal battle

of man versus nature.

Now, let's face it, lately
nature's been cheating a bit.

Airborne virus?

That's against the rules!

If you kill us
by windchill factor,

avalanche, grizzly bear,
got no problem with you, nature.

But invisible virus?

As my buddy Chuck would say:

"Not cool."

I'm so confident
in America's ability to kick ass

and quickly overcome adversity

that I won't shave
until we get through this.

Hey. Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

As this pandemic grinds on,

I know you got what it takes
to overcome it: grit.

You know, the good kind.

Not the kind
when you bite into a...

sandy clam.

You know, I know we've been
through this pandemic for...

months...

Really?

Uh, years?

Decades?

My wife is wishing
I hadn't vowed not to shave

till this is over.

You know what I think, people?

I think I could play...

(softly):
Santa Claus.

Ah.

Ha-ha! Clean-shaven Mike Baxter

for Outdoor Man...

(sighs)
with my four favorite words:

Hallelujah, we did it!

I'm gonna keep this short,
so you could hop on your horse

and get on down here
for our "Nice Try, Nature" sale.

Baxter out.

(sighs)

You ready, Dad?
Mom got us a table at Elway's.

Ah, I love the sound of that.

Grandpa!

But I really love
the sound of that.

Come on.

Mom, I am not arguing with you--
I just think it's important

to rotate out
Sarah's nap time blankets.

Yeah, all I'm saying is that
when I was raising you girls,

you each had a special blanket.

Honey, remember yours? It was...
it was blue with little moons.

You called it Moony.
(laughs)

Do you remember
what happened to Moony?

Uh, uh, you-you grew out of it?

You left it
at the Pepperoni Grill.

-I know. Okay...
-It broke my heart.
It's why I hate pepperoni.

Girls. Girls.

-Can I say something?
-Honey, kids are gonna lose
things all the time,

and they get upset--
it's just, that's normal.

Well, I'm teaching my daughter

that she has lots
of blanket options,

-so she doesn't emotionally
attach to one object.
-Okay, all right, hey...

I will not have my daughter
growing up hating pepperoni.

All right, all right.

Unbelievable.
Did you hear that?

Yeah. She's insane.

She doesn't like pepperoni?
Wow.

Once again, Mandy doesn't think
I have anything to offer her

when it comes to being a mom.

She act-- she acts like
nothing I did was right.

Okay, once again, talk to her.

Tell her what's bugging you.

No, no.
Look, I love having them here,

and I don't want there to seem
like I have a problem with it.

So you're lying.

Look, it is called "being nice."

And if I say something
and they decide to leave,

(sighs):
I would miss them like crazy.

So me venting a few times a week

-is a small price to pay.
-Yeah, it's not a small price

since you're not the one
paying for it.

-Do you want me to talk to her?
-No, absolutely not.

Right. "Absolutely not"
code word for "do it"?

No, Mike, do not.

-I'm hearing "do it."
-No.

I'm warning you.

Do not say a word.

I'm gonna have to talk to Mandy.

-Mmm...
-Yeah, don't you love the way
the, the lavender syrup

just laces
with the light and dark rum?

-(chuckles)
-Yeah, it's-it's just magic.

It's magic.

What's that one flavor
I'm tasting?

It's kind of like a...

-like a penny.
-Yeah.

That's turmeric.

Ah...

Oh, these new recipes
of yours, Ed.

We got to be getting
near the end, right?

No. Nowhere near the end.

So glad to be sharing it
with my good friend Chuck.

-(chuckles)
-So go ahead, now,
finish that up.

My next concoction
will be a real doozy.

-Oh. Okay.
-Oh, yeah. Go ahead.

KRISTIN:
Hello? Chuck?

-It's Kristin. Kristin!
-You don't have to go.

Kristin!

Hi. Uh, off to spend some time
with Evelyn.

(quietly):
Take me with you?

You don't even know
where we're going.

I don't care, as long
as there's no fruity drinks.

(chuckles)
You used to love

having the occasional drink
with Ed after work.

-A drink...
-Yeah.

...used to be Scotch.

Booze the way God
intended it to be.

These are the kind of drinks

tourists barf over the railing
of cruise ships.

Come on, Chuck.

Round two. Come on.

(chuckles)
Two words:

-See ya.
-Okay.

God, what happened?

Oh, it's a healthy snack
for Sarah that I came up with.

Yeah. It tastes
like leafy pudding.

(grunts)

I'll take your word for it.

I was just telling Mom earlier
that it's super important

for Sarah to get her nutrients
in the first couple of years

to build up her immune system.

Wow. Nutrition for kids. Crazy.

'Cause your mom used to just
feed you guys packing peanuts.

Yeah. My mom used to feed us
candy bars and beans.

And Popsicles, of course.

For the fruit.

Dad, childhood nutrition
is serious.

Yeah. I think
your mom and I know

a little about raising kids.

We raised three of you.

You know, and every now and then
it might be nice

for you to admit that, "Hey,
you guys are being a great mom."

Subtle.

Look, I-I know that me and Mom
have been butting heads a lot.

I'm really not trying
to be difficult.

There's always friction
between the generations,

how to raise kids.

It's annoying,
but it's very normal.

Yeah. My mom and grandma
used to fight

over whether or not
I should go back to grade school

or keep helping
my mom's boyfriend

-with his exterminator business.
-(chuckles)

I really hate how much
me and Mom have been...

(imitates explosion)

"Mom and I."

Oh, Dad, I know.

Everyone's
been fighting with her.

Honey, listen.

This is very common,
and on top of that,

the pandemic had you guys cooped
up in this space for too long.

Mm. Well, that's true-- I hadn't
thought about it like that.

Yeah, believe me,
it made everybody tense.

I mean, there's a lot of times
I'd tell your mom

I was going to work, and,
literally, I was in the driveway

watching soccer on my phone.

Soccer?

I love Mom.
I don't want to fight with her.

Right. I-I think
all we're talking about

is a little more consideration.

Dad, you're right.

Thanks. I know.

Well, Kyle and I
should move out.

No. No, not that.

No. As-as long
as we're in Mom's house,

she's gonna want to give me
her opinions,

and I'm gonna wind up
snapping at her.

All I'm talking about
is being a little more honest

with each other.

Honest? How am I supposed
to explain to Mom

that too much Mom is a problem?

I have a little experience
in that area.

Would you like me
to talk to her for you?

No. Definitely not.

What I'm hearing is
"I want you to talk to her."

No, Dad, I love Mom too much
to hurt her feelings.

Moving out will be best
for everyone.

Just do not say anything
to her, okay?

(quietly): I think I need
to talk to Vanessa.

You're probably wondering
what I'm working on.

-Mm. A-Actually, I'm reading.
-(sighs)

I'd be happy to.

It's about a plan that
I'm thinking of implementing

-at Outdoor Man.
-Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Listen,
I-I got to thinking,

why am I always telling people
what to do and how to do it?

Obviously, as the boss,
I have every right to do that.

But, by doing so,
am I hurting those that I love?

(exhales) I mean
hurting those that work for me.

Because,
when you think about it,

isn't letting the employees
figure it out on their own

the best way for them to be...

-the mother of their own ideas?
-(sighs)

What did you do?

-Mandy wants to move out.
-(sighs)

You talked to her?

She thinks
you're fighting all the time

-because she can't get away
from your constant...
-(sighs)

helpfulness.

Look, I-I do that out of love.

You don't need to convince me.

You're full of love.

I can't believe you talked
to her after I asked you not to.

Honey...

let's not look backwards.

Let's look forwards.

To the part where you say,
"I'm gonna try to be less...

helpful."

Look, I...

I hate
that she and I argue so much.

I really do.

Well, so does she.

As does the innocent victim.

Me. I hate it the most.

Mandy is a good mom.

And she,

she deserves the chance
to parent the way she wants.

And you are amazing.

-Well...
-Really amazing.

Listen, I'm gonna take
that information

and I'm gonna go tell Mandy
that you are going to back off

-a little bit, all right?
-No, I think
they should move out.

No.
(stammers)

That-That's not a good--
Nobody wants that.

What?
What are you talking about?

Look, every night you say,
"This entire situation

is a giant pain in my ass."

(chuckles softly)
Wow. First off,

-that's a terrible impression
of me.
-Well...

And, second off, it is a...
big pain in my ass.

Mm-hmm.

But I, uh... I told Mandy
that I was going to protect her.

And for you to do that,
she has to stay in here?

-Y-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, generally.
-Aw.

You know what?

You are a great dad,
Mike Baxter.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah.

Okay, listen,

if-if you really want them
to stay,

then I will tell Mandy
that I will try to be less...

-Helpful.
-...helpful.

But you-- This is b-- this...

No, no, no, no. (mutters)

(sighs)

I like
the sensitive Mike Baxter.

(sighs)

He... he gives me the creeps.

(laughs)

You know, the Blue Hawaii
was invented at a hotel

in Waikiki in 1957.

-1957?
-Yeah.

-Not to be confused
with the Blue Hawaiian.
-Mm.

(mutters)
So I made both.

Ah.

No.

What?

I can't do this anymore, Ed.
I'm done.

Wait a minute. Wait, y-you're
not happy with our happy hour?

I was at first, but...

this has gone on too long.

I hate blender drinks.

I'm getting zits, Ed.

Zits.

I haven't had zits
since high school!

Sounds like-like
you really hate it.

I passed hate
a long time ago, Ed.

I'm in hell.

Ah.

Good.

Then we're even.

Wait, we're...

We're even? For what?

Mm-hmm. For making me stand
in my front yard

waving to an endless line
of cars.

This is because
of the quarantine caravan

I organized for your birthday?

Mm-hmm.
For Bonnie's birthday

and Mother's Day

and Arbor Day.

Arbor Day, for God's sake?

Look, you-you-you love trees.

Yes, I do. What I don't love
is traffic in front of my house.

And signs and well-wishing
and... (mutters)

But, um...

during the quarantine,
I read that elderly people

were getting lonely,
all cooped up in their houses.

I live in an 8,500-square-foot
Mediterranean

with a man-made lake.

-You think I feel cooped up?
-Huh.

-Now that you mention it, no.
-Mm-hmm.

But if you didn't like it,
why didn't you tell me?

The same reason
you couldn't tell me

you didn't like the drinks.

(chuckles) The reason why
I couldn't tell you, Ed,

is because you're my boss.

And when my boss
offers me a gift,

I can't tell him I hate it.

Your boss?

We're friends, Chuck.

That's why I'm so comfortable
busting your bongos.

Okay.

Thanks.

And?

And if...

there's another pandemic...

Oh, God forbid.

...God forbid,

I won't organize
another drive-by waving party.

That's what I wanted
to hear, huh?

And I'll never make you ingest
another one of these.

Hey, I'll drink to that.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
They're-they're awful.

I'll pour us a real drink,
a Scotch.

And do me a favor--
would you dump those out

in that plant
where you dumped the others?

Would you do that?

Mm, I can't do that, Ed.
The plant died.

It was a suicide.

Ah.

I'll look.

Nope. No monsters under there.

But what if they come later?

-They won't.
-But what if they do?

Um, if they do,

I will scare them away
like this...

(giggles):
Okay.

(Mandy chuckles)

♪ Night night, baby ♪

♪ The sun has set ♪

♪ Sleep right, angel ♪

♪ Don't you fret ♪

♪ Listen to this song ♪

♪ No need to sing along... ♪

I heard you singing
the "Night Night" song to Sarah.

Yeah. Baxter fam tradition.

Bet it brought back
some memories.

Oh, it sure did.

How much I hate that song.

All 12 damn verses of it.

Well, personally,
I always preferred your version.

BOTH:
* Night night,
turn out the light ♪

♪ Now get the hell to bed. ♪

Yep.

Seven seconds.
Perfect song.

(chuckles)

Sarah's a little young
for that one.

We're still in
the checking-for-monsters phase.

I like that stage.

When a kid really believes

that you can protect them
from monsters.

Definitely.

It's hard giving up that feeling
that you're a superhero.

Yeah, but...

you know you're always gonna be
my superhero, right?

You don't need one.
(sniffs)

Well, monsters
don't scare me anymore, okay?

And I'm not letting 'em get
to my kid.

I learned that
from an old superhero I know.

-That's very sweet of you.
-Mm.

"Old"?

Wise?

You okay moving back home?

(inhales)

Yes, I am.

Are you okay with it?

I really liked having you here.

It's been great.

Thanks for scaring away
the monsters, Dad.

Mm.

Dad?

♪ Night night,
turn out the light ♪

♪ Now get the hell to bed. ♪

(laughing)

I am so happy we're having
these Sunday dinners again.

Yeah. I can't believe
I used to bail out of these

to go watch a football game
in the living room. (sighs)

Which reminds me, I have
a phone call in the living room

-in ten minutes.
-(Chuck laughs)

Hey. Thanks for having me over,
Baxters.

And, uh, remember,

-we got ten dollars
on that call.
-Yep.

-See you, Kris, Ryan.
-Bye!
-Bye!

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.
You're supposed to be holding on

to that for Sarah. You're
not supposed to be wearing it.

Well...
(sighs)

I'm breaking it in for her.
(chuckles)

And, uh, don't tell any Marines
I've been wearing this.

-It's just so cozy.
-VANESSA: Yeah.

-Bye.
-Bye, Chuck. See you later.

Okay, the girls are asleep.

-And so was Kyle.
-Yeah.

There's just something
about that big red dog

that knocks me out.

All right.
I got to go teach Bible study.

Anybody want to go?

(singsongy):
Leviticus.

No?

All right, next week it is.

Well, I am gonna go check
on my grandbabies.

And, don't worry,
I'm not gonna wake them up.

No, you won't,
because we are going with you.

It's so weird
that they call this football.

I mean, soccer is football.

You know, they should call this
"throwing ball."

Oh, or-or "throwing
and running ball."

One thing I loved
about the pandemic,

if you didn't want to talk
to somebody,

you would just say
the Wi-Fi is getting wonky.

Did you actually do that?

(chuckling)

What?

Didn't quite hear you.

I said,
did you actually do that?

No, you're breaking up.
Somehow, your-your signal--

You know what I'm gonna do?

Um, if you can hear me,

what I'm gonna do
is reset my router!

It's-it's in here!
It's in the--

I'll be in the den!

Ah.

Soccer.

The real fútbol.

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