All language subtitles for oklib

("Living in the USA "
by the Steve Miller Band)

Brass!.

Livin' in the USA

Ésta es WBXT,
la voz de Fort Baxter.

Todo el personal está invitado a unirse
al Sgto. Bilko en el parque vehicular...

... para una demostración del
apropiado mantenimiento de bujías...

... hoy a las 0420, 0530 y 1455.

Otra vez los horarios:
0420, 0530 y 1455.

- ¿Ganaste?.
- No.

Soldado Wally Holbrook
reportándose para el deber.

- ¿Primera asignación?.
- Si.

- Relájate. ¿Sabes dónde estás asignado?.
- Parque Vehicular.

- OK. ¿Parque Vehicular?.
- Si, yo...

- Vas directo al coronel.
- ¿Coronel?. ¿Qué hice?.

- ¿Qué edad tines, hijo?.
- 19, Señor.

19... Tan joven.

Soy mecánico de 1a. clase.
Dos de mis tíos tienen taller.

- ¿Tienes dinero?.
- Sí, Señor.

- Dámelo.
- Pero...

Está bien.

- Mi palabra, debe de haber $500 aquí.
- 700. Verá, trabajé con mi tío...

Vas a llevar $700 en efectivo
a las barracas Bilko?.

- Sí, Señor. ¿Quién, Señor?.
- Dame tu sombrero, por favor.

Sargento Bilko.
Maestro Sargento Ernest G Bilko.

- Bien, buena suerte. Y que la vaya bien.
- Gracias, Señor.

Recuerda, si necesitas lo que sea, necesitas ayuda...

...la puerta del viejo coronel está siempre abierta.
- Gracias, Señor.

¿Señor?.

- Estoy buscando al Sargento Bilko.
- Llega tarde, junior, no más apuestas.

- No, no, no. Me estoy reportando.
- ¡Vamos, Duane!. ¡Jala!.

¡Escarba profundo, nene!.

¡Vamos!. ¡Vamos!.

¡Vamos!. ¡Vamos!.

¡Tiene los zapatos equivocados!.
Doberman está usando los zapatos equivocados.

No tiene tracción. ¡Y éste caballo!.

Éste caballo no estaba así de vivo ésta mañana.
¡Quiero le hagan prueba de droga ahora!.

Alguien, rápido. Traigan una
botella de orina y un trapeador.

¡Hey!. ¿Qué está pasando?.

Es el soldado Doberman.
Él es el que luce como humano.

Anoche en el gimnasio, Doberman dijo:
"Me siento tan fuerte como un caballo".

Un tipo de la compañía P lo
escuchó y dijo:"¿Sí?. ¿Por cuánto?."

Es la regla dorada. No digas nada a menos
qué estés preparado para respaldarlo.

No, no, no cruces la raya.
No la pases. Atrás. Sólo, atrás. Atrás.

- ¿Estás bien, Duane?.
- ¡Sgto., no puedo seguir haciendo esto!.

Hiciste lo mejor qué pudiste, Duane.
¿De todas formas, qué es el dinero?.

Así que, Bilko, finalmente gané una. Paga.

- Apúrate.
- ¿Oh, así que ahora estamos en horario?.

- ¿Vamos una vez más?.
- ¡Sgto.!. Por favor, ya no. Ya no, Sargento.

No te preocupes.
No te haré pasar otra vez por eso.

- Está acabado. Es un perdedor.
- Nadie llama perdedor a uno de los hombres de Bilko.

Debería... ¡agarrame!. Aah.
¡No, no!. ¡Sueltame!. Lo mataré.

- ¿Quieres doblar la apuesta?.
- ¿Doblarla?. Lo dices en serio.

- Sarge, no.
- ¿Qué pasa, Ernie?. ¿Asustado?..

Sarge, por favor. Ese es todo el
dinero del pelotón, cada centavo.

Ahora esto va más allá del dinero. Esto es
cuestión de honor. OK, la apuesta es 1,000.

Tonto.

¡Sí!.

Hey, no puedes hacer eso, viejo.

- ¿Listo, Duane?.
- Seguro, Sarge.

¿Ves?. Él estaba sólo subiendo la apuesta.

Él es como un dios.

¡Duane!. ¡Duane!. ¡Duane!..

¡Duane!. ¡Duane!. ¡Duane!..
¡Duane!. ¡Duane!. ¡Duane!..

¡Sí!. ¡Sí!.

Dale una vuelta y nalguealo.

¡El caballo no!. Doberman.

Escucha, ese vahiculo M2 Bradley
es propiedad del ejército de los E.U..

Lo quiero de regreso en el puesto está noche.
¡Tenemos reglas!. Reglas y regulaciones.

Tengo acuerdo de renta
aquí mismo..

Y si vuela algo, saldrá
de su depósito.

¡Adolescentes!. Tan irresponsables.

- Sarge, Ud. dijo que podía contar la toma.
- Ella tuvo la cuenta la vez pasada.

¿Pararás de pelear?. Es como si
dirigiera una guardería de niños

De hecho, esa no es una mala idea.
Podemos dejarlos en el almacén.

- Luis, ¿cuántos chicos en el puesto?..
- ¿Dependientes personales bajo cinco?..

- 293.
- Dame el total de sus mesadas.

- Hey, ¿en el almacén?. ¿Chicos?..
- Zimmy, no morirán.

De hecho, ese será nuestro lema:
"No morirán".

Contaré el dinero. Rocky, asegúrate que el
caballo regrese a la granja Knott's Berry.

Soldado Primera Clase Holbrook, Walter T,
reportándose para el deber, Sergento!..

Sarge, Holbrook es un terror técnico escolar.

Primero en su clase, mantenimiento
de parque vehicular

¿Un verdadero voltea llaves viviente en el parque vehicular?..

Es tan loco, podría funcionar.
Te presentaré a los chicos y chicas.

¿Qué pasa, Sarge?..

¿No lo hueles?. Es el dinero.

Este es el Sgto. Henshaw y el Sgto. Barbella.
Los verás en los bailes, rifas.

Conseguirás tus boletos con ellos.
Ellos manejan la tienda.

Así que si necesitas consumibles, revistas...
Pero no suscripciones de revistas.

Mira a Morales para eso. Toallas...

- ¿Toallas?. ¿El ejército no da toallas?..
- ¿El ejército?. Traiganle un juego de toallas.

Las pachocitas.
El precio de introducción. Vamos.

Hagan sus apuestas, damas y caballeros.

Este es Dino Paparelli.
Vas a reir, vas a llorar.

Vas a amar a este italianito
deshilvanado.

- Hiya.
- Sam Fender. Su lema en la vida es simple:

..."Una acusación no es una condena."
- Malditamente cierto.

Es lenguaje de hombres.
Mickey Zimmerman.

Trágicamente, Zimmerman nació sin personalidad.

- Hola.
- Luis Clemente.

Este tipo es listo, muy listo.
Tiene coeficiente de inteligencia.

- Hola.
- ¿Viste lo que quise decir?..

Tony Morales. Lo único que
necesitas saber acerca de él...

...que no se baña porque niebla el espejo.

Finalmente, el hombre de la hora, el maestro
del desastre, el rey del universo...

... cuidado, chicas, odia cenar solo...
¡Soldado Duane Doberman!..

Oh, Sarge.

Doberman tampoco se baña,
pero
por una razón mucho más aterradora.

Mis órdenes, Sargento.

Todo parece estar en orden.
Henshaw llevará tus bolsas.

No te preocupes, está afianzado. ¿Tienes licencia?..

- ¿Licencia de manejo?..
- Podemos hacer una.

- ¡Henshaw, trae la cámara!..
- No, no. Tengo licencia. Aquí mismo.

Mi cartera.

Oh, aquí está. Vacía.
Está en tu gorra, ¿no es así?..

Buen chico. Oh. Oh, debe de haber 6...
no, 700 dólares aquí. Bien.

Bueno, puedes empezar con esto.
El carro del Coronel.

- Está bien, ¿qué tiene de malo?..
- Es el odómetro.

Dice 12,000 millas,
y debería decir 11,000 millas.

Tony lo manejó a Lake Tahoe
para ir al funeral de su abuela.

- Lo siento.
- Cuando digo que...

...quiero decir "visitar su sobrina". Y
cuando
digo "sobrina", ¿quiero decir amiga dama?..

Mira. Estoy parpadeando.
Mira a mi ojo.

- ¿Quieres que le dé vuelta?..
- Sí.

- No puedo hacer eso, Sargento.
- ¡"No puedo"!. ¡Dijo "no puedo"!..

Sarge, ¿está bien?..

Hey, viejo, "no puedo" es una
palabra de 4 letras en este pelotón.

No puedo violar las regulaciones,
a menos que sea una orden...

...en ese caso tendré que pedirte que el
Maestro Sargento Bilko firme esa orden

Esto pidiéndote a ti un favor.
Aquí todos somos como una familia.

Cualquier de estos hombres
tomaría una bala por ti.

- Bueno, no en el pecho.
- No, no en el pecho, sino en la pierna.

- ¿Permiso para hablar libremente?.
- ¿Qué, estamos en Rusia?. Di lo que sea.

Son soldados. Guardianes de la libertad.

Y francamente, no creo que haya un hombre
aquí tomando su juramento de servicio seriamente.

¿Sabes qué?. Voy a matarlo.

¡Fender!.

Ahora, esta es la cosa que deberían
estar enseñando en el ejército.

- Lo están enseñando.
- ¿No bromeas?.

Aquí les va una viejita para todos
nuestros amigos en el parque vehicular.

("No Particular Place to Go"
by Chuck Berry)

Ridin' along in my automobile

My baby beside me at the wheel

I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile

Brass!.

My curiosity runnin' wild

Cruisin' and playin' the radio

With no particular place to go

Ridin' along in my automobile

I was anxious to tell her the way I feel

So I told her softly and sincere

And she leaned and whispered in my ear

Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow

With no particular place to go

- Sarge, ¿dónde podemos ocultar el caballo?.
- ¿Qué caballo?.

¡Está bien, hombres!. Más rápido.
El ejército necesita estos vehiculos.

¿Bilko?.

Sargento.

¡Sargento Bilko!.

¡Aliniense hombres, ahora!. ¡Y formen
un semicirculo o un rectángulo, ahora!.

¡Choza!. ¡Hey!.

Muy bien. Como estaban.

Quiso decir regresa a lo que
estabas haciendo.

Coronel Hall, luce fantástico, Señor.
¿Perdió peso?.

Por qué, quizás un par de libras.

Nell y yo hemos estado
"sudando con las viejitas".

- Ah.
- Sargento, estoy aquí para ver lo de mi carro.

Ah, bueno, me temo que aún estamos
trabajando en él, Señor.

- Lo ha tenido una semana y media.
- Creo que lo ví en la Interestatal 30.

Ahí lo tiene. Gracias a Dios tengo un testigo.
Gracias, Capitán Moon.

Y el Coronel cree que yo nunca
pruebo los vehículos.

¿Qué es eso?.

Eso es mierda de caballo, Señor. Les digo a
los hombres "tienen que probarlos..."

- ¿Qué está haciendo ahí?.
- Mantiene a las moscas lejos de la comida.

No hay forma de saber qué le
pasa a un motor ...

- ¿Lejos de la comida?.
- Es un experimento.

Yo diría que los resultados son mixtos.

Es mucho más barato que
mandar traer, Señor.

Y más fresca también.

Bilko, ¿está Ud. loco?.
Este no es el caballo de caballería.

- No puede traer ganado a el puesto.
- Tiene razón, Señor.

Han escuchado al Coronel. ¡Traigan al
caballo del pelotón y saquen al caballo de aquí!.

- Está bien, dos veces, soldado.
- Sargento, por favor, dígame de mi carro.

- ¿Sabe algo de carros, Señor?.
- No.

Ah. Bueno, ¿ves esa cosa como
puntiaguda de ahí?.

Parece que está incidiendo en la
cosa café, redonda con manchas.

- Verás, cuando Henry Ford...
- Coronel Hall.

- Cabo, ¿qué pasa?.
- ¿Permiso para hablar en privado?.

- Por supuesto. Discúlpeme, Bilko.
- Absolutamente.

- ¿Qué pasa, Cabo?.
- El Pentágono llamó.

¿El Pentágono?.
¿Cómo obtuvieron mi número?.

Están mandando un equipo para
observar
la prueba mañana del tanque flotador.

- ¿Por qué?. Es sólo una preliminar... Aah.
- ¿Qué pasa, Señor?.

Bueno, últimamente están cerrando un
montón de instalaciones militares.

¿Qué tal si están planeando
cerrar Fort Baxter?.

- ¿Sabe algo acerca de esto?.
- Me halagas.

- ¿Cómo puedo, un mero Sargento maestro...?.
- Usted sabe todo antes que yo.

Estoy seguro es sólo rutina, Señor. Como
sea, regrese cuando guste. Llame primero.

Les digo, hombres, servir bajo
un gran lider como el Coronel Hall...

- Se fue.
- Tengo hambre. ¿Qué hora?.

12 en punto. Ordenamos comida China.

- ¿Superiores del Pentágono, Sarge?. No me gusta.
- Relájate. Es sólo cosas del ejército.

No tiene nada que ver con nosotros.

- ¿Dijiste 12 en punto?.
- Sí.

- ¿Hoy es Sábado?.
- Todo el día.

Sábado al mediodía. Tengo un extraño
presentimiento que debo estar en algún lugar.

Lo mataré.

- ¿Juego de Poker?.
- No, no.

- Carreras.
- No, no. Fue otra cosa.

Dios, ese es un vestido adorable.

- Gracias, Reverendo.
- ¿Es nuevo?.

No, lo usé la última vez que el mentiroso
de mierda me plantó.

Ah.

Dame el anillo.
Fuiste el padrino la última vez.

- ¡No se casó la última vez!.
- ¡Es mi turno!.

- ¿Como vas a ser el padrino?.
- ¡Sólo dame el anillo!.

- Pero no puedes odiarlo, ¿sabes?.
- Puedo odiarlo. Lo odio ahora mismo.

Cariño...

¿A dónde vas?. Nadie se retire.

Viniste para verme casar. Vas a - no me
importa particularmente con quién.

¡Cariño!. Sé que estás molesta...

Papi, no te metas.
Sé lo que estoy haciendo.

Nelson.

¿Estás ocupado?. ¿Te casas
conmigo?. Te amo.

Nunca me había dado cuenta hasta ahora.

Bueno, la cosa es, Rita, que estoy
comprometido... con tu hermana.

¿Y?.

No preguntes. Ni siquiera preguntes.

Está bien, pregunta.

Cara de conejo,
no creerás lo que pasó.

Estaba este autobús cargado de dulces geriatas.
Estaban ridando por la montaña...

¿Crees que soy una idiota?.

Pregunta a Wally. Es nuevo, una real flecha derecha,...

nunca ha dicho mentiras en su vida. ¿Wally?.

¿Ves?.

Cariño, cariño...

Oh, bebé... sopló de ángel, estás exagerando!.

- Sabes, es... Ooh!. Mala audiencia.
- Estaba lleno hace una hora.

¡Oh, cariñito, Yo... estoy bien!.

Cariñito, ¿qué puedo hacer
para recompensarte?.

¿Qué quieres?. Sólo dimelo.
Haré lo que sea.

He estado esperando 7 años.

¿Qué quiero?. Quiero mis 7 años de
regreso. No puedo vivir así, Ernie.

Tengo una dama de honor
de guardia las 24 horas del día.

Y soy la única mujer con un vestido de novia
que se cae a pedazos por el uso.

- Lo siento.
- Creo que me amas, Ernie.

Pero eres tan escurridizo, es imposible
saber qué estás pensando.

Bueno, gracias.

No entiendo a qué le temes tanto.

¿Sabes lo que voy a hacer justo aquí, ahora mismo?.

No. No lo hagas.

No. No, no esta vez.

- No lo hagas, por favor.
- Un juego, a 500.

No. Por favor no lo hagas.

Espada. Es un doble.

Cajas riple, a 500. Penny un punto.

- ¿Un cuatro?.
- Sí.

Oh, dos. Sí. Vamos. Aquí.
Vamos, vamos, vamos.

¿Qué pasa?.

Bueno, Rocky y yo estábamos hablando a Wally
mientras tú y Rita estaban en la iglesia.

Es una buena chica.
No nos gusta la manera como la tratas.

Tiene razón, Sarge.
La trata como un patán.

- ¿No sería más feliz en la marina?.
- Abandonó a esa chica.

Probablemente tendrá que mudarse
a otro pueblo.

¿Te relajarás?. Rita y yo
tenemos una relación especial.

¿Crees que me esperaba para casarme
con ella hoy?. Por supuesto que no.

Me esperaba para hacer justo lo
que hice. Es un juego.

Algún día podrías perder ese juego, Ernie.

Muy bien, hombres. Asegúrense que esté sujeto.

- ¿Sujeto?.
- Lo que sea.

Así que, Mayor Ebersole,
mañana es el gran día.

- ¿Cómo luce ella?.
- Espero no sea muy humillante, Señor.

¿Qué se supone que pase?.

Bueno, teóricamente,
y no apostaría la granja...

...el tanque flotador se levantará y flotará
varias pulgadar arriba del estanque.

- Bien. Muy bien.
- Sí. Luego alistará los objetivos...

... el... el cañón. Bum.
La descarga de munición. Kabum.

Ese camión. Bum.

Excelente. Una idea.
Quizás debería ser: bum, bum...

... luego kabum.

Sabes, ¿guardar ese "kabum" para lo último?.
Algo como un "uuh-ah" gran final.

¿Qué le parece?.

- Haré una nota de ello, Señor.
- Bien.

Me extrañó. ¡Ahora corra!.

- Sí. Lo tengo.
- Hey, ahí va el sarge, hombre.

¡Sarge!.

- Hey, Dobie, vamos, vámonos.
- Sarge, ¿ya se casó?.

- Aún no.
- ¿Cómo lo tomó Rita ésta vez?.

Oh, está feliz. Me quitó 40
morlacos en un juego de gin.

¡Oh, es grandiosa!.

Paparelli. ¿Cómo van los boletos para la
barbacoa "Conoce a tormenta Norman"?.

- Es un éxito de taquilla, Sarge.
- ¿Encontraste un doble?.

- Encontramos uno.
- Ahh.

No por nada me llaman
Sargento maestro.

Sabes, las cosas no siempre fueron
así de buenas.

Cuando tuve mis primeros galones en Fort Dix,
Lo consideré mi responsabilidad...

...de proveer a los hombres y mujeres
trabajadores con algo de recreación sana.

- Dirigirte las apuestas.
- Correcto, Fender.

Pero estaba este Teniente ahí -
Teniente Colin Thorn.

Un lunático. Quiero decir, muy suave por
fuera, pero por debajo, alambre de púas.

Me montó como un jinete.

Billares, rifas, juegos de cartas -
No pude hacer nada.

Era como estar en el ejército.

Bien, vamos nene. ¡Vámonos!.

Hola.

Finalmente, tuve un respiro. Llevaron las finales
de división de boxeo en nuestro puesto.

No podías detener a la gente de apostarle.

Era un volado.
Ahora, para mi, es sólo sentimental.

Me gusta un evento deportivo en el que sé
el resultado de antemano. Es más organizado.

Fui con uno de los pugilistas y
llegamos a un acuerdo empresarial.

Por una tajada de 50-50 de
nuestras ganancias...

... él acordó dar menos de un esfuerzo
supremo en el círculo cuadrado.

- Le pagaste para echarse un clavado
- Por supuesto.

Tenía a este Cabo trabajando
para mi - Leo Cletz.

La noche de la pelea, le di el dinero
para pagarte a mi peleador.

Leo mal entendió y dió el dinero
al otro peleador.

El peleador se sorprendió, pero pensó "Qué
demonios?. Es un buen precio. Me tiraré"

Mientras, mi peleador pensó
"Bilko quiso decir que recibiré el dinero más tarde."

- "No hay problema. Me tiraré igual."
- ¿Así que ambos pensaron clavarse?.

- Exactamente
- ¿Qué pasó?.

Historia de boxeo.

Por 3 rounds, nadie se pegó.
Era un recital de baile

Finalmente, pienso que por aburrimiento, uno de
los chicos conectó con una derecha.

¿Qué diablos está pasando aquí?.

Teniente Thorn lo tomó como un
insulto personal

- ¿Estás bien?. ¿Dolió?.
- Muy bonito.

Pareció como que Thorn estaba
pagándole al peleador.

Estaba quemado.

No tenían suficiente evidencia para
una corte
marcial, pero lo mandaron a Groenlandia

Juego, set y partido - Bilko.

- Vaya historia, ¿eh?.
- ¿Permiso para hablar libremente?.

- Otra vez, permiso. Está bien.
- Lidió con él muy deshonestamente

Olvida eso.
¿Qué le pasó?. Thorn.

No lo sé. No sé que le pasó.

Coronel John Hall, comandante de guarnición.
Bienvenido a Fort Baxter, Mayor.

¡Doberman!. ¡Despierta!.

¡Vamos, todos!.
¡Arriba y a darle!.

Vamos, chicos, no perdamos un
minuto de este hermoso día.

¡Hey!.

- ¡Larguense de aquí!.
- ¡Traeré al Sarge!.

Es todo. Ahora ustedes chicos
van a estar en aprietos.

- ¡Hey, Sarge!. Levántese.
- ¿Qué pasa?.

¡Cubranse todos!. ¡Reúnan a todos los hombres!.
Man the battle stations and...

¿Qué es esay música?.

Entiendo, Mayor, este sistema de armas
está en etapa experimental.

Pero creo que estaría muy impresionado
con el... ruido que produce.

Es una poderosa pieza de equipo.

Coronel, realmente le urjo a Ud. a no
proceder con esto.

Ah, Mayor Ebersole, Mayor Thorn.

Mayor Ebersole es el cerebro detrás
del tanque flotador.

Él es realmente el responsable.

- Gracias, Señor.
- ¿Podemos continuar con esto?.

Por supuesto. ¿Listo para empezar?.

Está bien. Encendamos está vela.

Ssbe, con todos estos cierres de bases y
reducciones, la gente aquí ha estado inquieta.

Listo, Coronel.

Esto es emocionante.

Está bien, enciendala.

Aún necesita trabajo.

Fuego.

Por supuesto.

¡Salgan!. ¡Cuidado!.

¡Vamos, campistas!. Son las 10 am.
Hora de empezar el día.

- Buenos días, Sarge.
- Es ese tiempo de la década.

- Vas a bañarte.
- ¿Tengo que hacerlo?.

Todos lo sienten fuertemente.
Aquí está la petición.

Oh, Sarge.

¿Por qué estás sentado ahí?.
Estabas lleno de energía a las 6 am.

No creo que les agrade a los muchachos.

- ¿Qué te hace decir eso?.
- Me escribieron una nota.

"Wally, no nos agradas."
Y todos lo firmaron.

- Sí, esa es la "X" de Doberman.
- ¿Por favor puedo tener otro compañero de cuarto?.

- ¿Por qué, qué pasa?.
- Orinó su cama.

- Oh, bueno, de vez en cuando.
- No. Lo hizo por todo el cuarto.

¡Mayor, por favor!. ¿Al menos
se quedará para la comida?.

- ¿Le gusta caserola de pollo?.
- No.

Bueno, Mayor, déjeme ser franco.

Un report negativo de Ud. sería una
sentencia de muerte para Fort Baxter.

- Hemos estado en declive...
- ¿9 años sin una prueba exitosa?.

Ese no es un declive, esa es una tradición.

Pero, Mayor, piense por un minuto
por los hombres, sus carreras.

- Mi carrera.
- Coronel, es lo que hay.

estimo es la carrera que tenía en mente
cuando salí del Colegio Militar.

Puliendo un asiento con mi culo en Washington
DC, visitando puestos culeros.

Pensé que sería un Coronel ya o
quizás un General.

Lo siento. Lo que ví hoy fue una nube de
polvo que costó $70 millones. Buenos días.

¡Espere!. Hay mucho más en Fort Baxter
que sólo Investigación y Desarrollo, Mayor.

- Tenemis una comisaría condecorado.
- Pruebe la caserola.

Y nuestro equipo de softball ganó
el título de división.

Y el pelotón del Sargento Bilko
está en las finales del Club de Coro.

Ciertamente tendré edo en mente.

¿Dijo Bilko?.

Sí.

¿Es ése Ernie Bilko?.

El único y el mismo.

Quizás me quedaré para la comida.

Bueno. ¡Encienda esa cacerola de
pollo, Capitán Moon!.

¡Sí, Señor!.

Ahora, ¿A dónde fue ése?.

- Hey, ¡está 8 sobre par, Sarge!.
- Bueno, arreglelo

- Sarge, ¿lo dejan hacer esto?.
- Nunca lo pedí. Dirían no.

Es un puesto del ejército.

Bien, tengo 5 a 1 a Lover's Knot.

- $20 dicen que puedo darke al estacionamiento.
- Yo no apuesto.

- ¿Qué es lo que haces?.
- Permiso para hablar...

Sí, sí, sí. Adelante.

Me levanto casa mañana y me visto para
proteger el estilo de vida Americano.

¿Podrías decir eso más tarde esta noche para
que no tenga que tomar una píldora para dormir?.

¡Bilko!.

No puede ser.

Teniente Thorn.

- De hecho, es Mayor Thorn ahora.
- Bueno, Felicidades.

No sabía que todavía estaba en el servicio.
Lo hubiera buscado hacer mucho.

Lo apostaría.

Dígame, Coronel, ¿él es todavía el
mismo bribón que fue en Fort Dix?.

- Esa es una manera de ponerlo.
- Ud. cambió mi vida.

¿Recuerda ese encuentrito de box?.

Encuentro de box...

Eso me hizo un hombre nuevo. Recuerda
cómo solía ser rígido y tenso?.

Gracias a él, me dí cuenta que no
puedes tratar a las personas así.

Soy un mejor hombre por ello.
Gracias, Ernie.

Seguro.

- ¿Qué fue eso?.
- Galgos, Señor.

- ¿Cuánto tiempo estará entre nosotros, Mayor?.
- No mucho.

Coronel, ¿qué dice si comemos
esa caserola?.

Absolutamente, y unas patatas
asadas también.

Regresemos a las barracas y cancele
todo: bailes, rifas, todo.

¡Dios, olvidé que son las finales!.

¡Sarge!. Aquí está el dinero de
la renta de los patines.

¡Alto, alto!. ¡Aleja eso!.
¡Alto, todos!. ¡Alto!.

Paseando en mi automóvil.

Mi nena a un lado de mi al volante.

Robé un beso a la vuelta de una milla.

Es Hall con el Mayor Thorn. Parece
como una inspección sorpresa.

¿Una inspección?. ¿Ahora?.
¡Mira este lugar!.

- Tiempo estimado de llegada, 90 segundos.
- Piensa. Piensa.

Tengo que pensar. ¿Dónde está
la compañía Alfa?.

Ejercicios de campo.

Así que nos estacionamos muy lejos
en el Kokomo

La noche era joven y la luna
era oro.

So we both decided to take a stroll

¿Puede imaginarse la manera
como me sentía?.

No pude desabrochar su
cinturón de seguridad.

Cruisin' and playin' the radio

Sin ningún lugar en particular para ir.

¿Hacia dónde estamos...

... encarando aquí?.

Bueno... tendría que ser este aquí.

Sobre la colina, over dale
hemos dado al camino polvoso.

As those caissons go rolling along

And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery

Bilko.

Ten-hut, platoon!.

- El Mayor Thorn quiere ver las barracas.
- ¿Una inspección?.

I wish we had a little more time.
We're not prepared.

It just gives me a thrill to see what a
first-rate top kick can do with a platoon.

- Why don't they stand by their rooms?.
- Certainly. Sergeant?.

Really, sir, if the glee club misses
practice, I won't be responsible...

- I said now!.
- Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!.

- Is this your room, soldier?.
- Yes, sir.

Follow me.

Who's this?.

It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir:
The African-American Hour.

Oh?. I've never heard of it.

It's on cable. See, it's funny,
but it also makes you think.

Ah. Hm.

(toy squeaks)

Are these yours?.

It is my understanding that you can
no longer ask me these questions, sir.

It's a new army, Major.

We're all adjusting.

(sniffs)

- Whose bunk is this?.
- Uh, mine, sir.

- That corner is not squared off!.
- What?. I told you to make this bunk!.

Now, I don't want any of your excuses!.
Now, drop and give me 20!. Ha!.

(grunts)

All right. One. We're going for one.

Colonel, you're a very courageous man.

Oh!. I saw a little combat duty in Kor...

Courageous?. What do you mean?.

Thumbing your nose at army regulations.
But I guess your men come first.

- And 20.
- My men?. First?.

- What does he mean, Bilko?.
- This soldier, sir.

I'd say he's about 50 pounds
over his maximum allowable weight.

What are the chances of that being
discovered and your being blamed?.

Blamed?.

Sergeant, I want him
at regulation weight in six weeks.

Yes, sir!.

Adelaide, of course
we'll get married, sooner or later.

Nathan Detroit, after 14 years,
it is already too late to be sooner.

I'm from Rhode Island, where people
do not remain engaged for 14 years.

- They get married.
- Then why is it such a small state?.

Miss Robbins. I don't get it.

Why would Adelaide stick around if he,
like, disses her all the time?.

Doesn't she have any self-esteem?.

Well, that's a very interesting question.

- (Bilko) Certainly is.
- Ernie!. What are you doing here?.

- Did you get the flowers I sent ya?.
- No.

Darn. I'll call FedEx
and have 'em put a trace on it.

That's right, sweetheart.
Nathan's a hustler.

He's irresponsible,
and he's careless with the truth.

But the one thing he never lies about
is how much he cares for Adelaide.

See, that's his core, and she knows it.

OK, let's take a break for ten minutes.
And that was really good.

Wonderful.

Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think
we should see each other any more.

Sweetheart, you promised to go
to the Rusty Spur with me.

- You never give up, do you?.
- Come on. Come on, sweetheart...

...go to the Rusty Spur with me.
It'd be like old times.

All right, but you've got 30 days.
If this finger is still naked in 30 days...

...it's adios, Pepe.

I mean it this time.
This is your last chance.

Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is...

Lieutenant Monday. We're here
from the Inspector General's Office, sir.

I asked for the best number crunchers
in the army!. I hope that's what they sent!.

- If there's been any malfeasance...
- Or embezzlement...

We will find it.

This guy we're going after's
been feeding off the khaki tit for years.

He's a master sergeant.
His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him!.

- Forget it, Bilko.
- But, sir, the moment my boys heard...

...about the desert manoeuvre,
they volunteered.

We still haven't got over
being left out of Desert Storm.

How the orders got crisscrossed,
I'll never know.

But if we could go on these manoeuvres,
it would make up, in some small way...

You must think I'm a nincompoop.

A nincompoop?. An NCP?.
On the contrary, sir.

- I think you're one of the finest...
- Las Vegas.

- What, sir?.
- The desert manoeuvre will take place...

...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada.

Really?. I had no idea. Won't that be fun?.

- Lake Mead, Hoover Dam.
- Forget it. You've got bigger problems.

Two hatchet men -
excuse me, hatchet persons -

...from the Inspector General's Office
came to audit the motor pool accounts.

- I wonder who tipped them off?.
- Yes, I wonder.

(woman) Fort Baxter. How may I
direct your call?. Motor pool?.

Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole
post is skating on thin ice with hot blades.

Don't let them find anything.

- Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up?.
- A cover-up?.

Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up?.

No... sir.

Good. Then I'm not suggesting one.

Just do... whatever it is you do
to make these things go away.

I can't help myself

Bad habits

I'm runnin' wild

Lost control

Well, I must confess

Cos I can't repress

In the last two months you
billed the army for 72 windshields?.

That was a mistake.
One of my men, Private Buttersworth...

...had a hairline crack in his glasses.

- A crack?.
- Yes, a hairline crack.

So to him, it looked like
all the windshields were broken.

I transferred him right out.
That's the way I am.

She's crazy about you. Every time
you're not looking, she stares.

You just missed it.

Sergeant, in the past two days we've
found a number of possible irregularities.

- Now, if you can't produce receipts...
- She's staring at you again.

Oh, just missed it!.

There.

... that a boy like me

Has got so many bad habits

I said, all of these bad habits

All of these bad habits

(bells ring)

Nothing?. You found nothing?.

All my training tells me
he's hiding something.

Every time we're about to
find something...

- It dissolves.
- It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.

- No. It's like watching a magician.
- He's got you watching his left hand...

And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits!.

Well, then, let's tie his hands.

Ernie, will you dance with me tonight?.

That's up to you. Last time,
I accidentally stepped on your knee.

- What if they play our song?.
- We have a song?.

Don't you remember the first time we...?.

Only you

How could I forget our song?.
When they play it tonight...

...you and I will dance the most romantic
dance we've ever danced in our entire life.

- You promise?.
- That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko.

Put some drive in your country

Keep country drivin' on

When the music gets you movin'

You know it can't be long

Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just
you and me. All night long. No soldiers.

- What do you wanna do?.
- Let's shoot some pool.

- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, Sarge. You're late!.

- We want to celebrate the audit with ya.
- Those bean counters didn't have a clue.

I know, I know. Sometimes
I'm so damn good I scare myself.

Just us, huh?.

If you see her out tonight

And she tells you
that it's just the lights

That bring her here

And not her loneliness

That's what she says...

- I'll go get us a couple of drinks.
- OK.

...every word she says

A scorpion and a brandy alexander.

That's what she says...

The future
Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"?.

Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her.
I never even... I don't know her.

(music ends)

Thank you very much, everybody.
we'll be back in just a couple of minutes.

- I'll introduce ya.
- You know her?.

- No.
- She's with someone.

A detail.

- Ah, you must be in Bravo company.
- No, Charlie company.

- Charlie Company!. Haven't you heard?.
- What?.

You're shipping out -
Operation Vacuum Cleaner.

- Operation...
- Shh!.

I want his name. I want it known
that in this moment of crisis...

...this man chose to sit here
and eat bar nuts.

- I didn't know!.
- Go ye into the night!. Hut, hut, hut, hut!.

All right. Now I'll settle this.

- Hmm.
- Excuse me?.

You were right. Those are
the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

- Did he say that?.
- Oh, yeah.

He said your eyes were like diamonds
sparkling on a summer night.

The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what
he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you.

I think the least you can do is sit down
and buy this young lady some dinner.

Sit down and buy dinner!. Go!. Hey!.

Ah, to be young again.

- That's my sergeant.
- Oh.

Oh!. Major Ebersole, boys.
Welcome to the Spur.

Oh, I've been here before.
Uh... five years ago.

I had... a scotch and soda.

Good. A place like this
depends on repeat business.

They're repainting our club, so we had to
move our weekly poker game down here.

Poker. I've heard wonderful things
about that game. Can I watch?.

- You don't play poker?.
- I'm pretty busy at the motor pool...

...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe
I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem.

I don't have any change.

We can make change. It's OK.

Oh, goody. I get to play cards.

... long way home just to think of an alibi

Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things

That hadn't already...

- Get you somethin'?.
- Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman.

That's Bilko's girl.

Now she looks even better.

I'm dealing you five cards.

- Five cards. Let me write this down.
- Yeah, OK.

Now, the worst hand that you can have...

...is if you only have one high card
and nothing else that matches.

- But then comes a pair.
- A pair. How exciting. A pair.

(applause)

Only you

Can make this world seem right

Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie?.

- No, I haven't.
- Will you hold this a second?.

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie?.

- No.
- No.

Ernie?.

Ernie!.

I have three jacks and two sixes.
What's that called again?.

- A full house.
- What a cute name. A full house.

- Is that good?.
- Yes, that means you win.

- Again.
- Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing.

What is that?. Five in a row?.

What a lovely watch.
Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle.

Oops. Clumsy me.

- OK. Cut?. Thank you.
- Hey!.

Sorry. All right. OK.

You are my destiny

Oh. You hear that song?.
It means I gotta go.

Gee, I feel bad.
Can't I give some of this back?.

No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it?.

All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs...

...and the pink slip, and you can cash me
out and I'll see you back at the base.

- Ernie!.
- Good evening, sir.

Excuse us, Major.

Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's
decided to climb all over your sorry butt.

I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie.

Get back to the post. I'd like to see your
men on the parade ground at 0500 hours.

- Yes, sir. Weather permitting.
- What permitting?.

Who said that?.

It's payback time, Bilko.

If it's all the same to you,
I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving.

It's not all the same to me, Bilko.
Move it!. Hut, hut, hut!. Hut, hut, hut, hut!.

You are my destiny

This solves nothing.

This solves everything.

You haven't seen someone called
Ernie Bilko, have you?.

Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago.

- Are you sure?.
- Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry.

You see, I happen to know
Major Ebersole offered him a poker game.

You're my dream come true

My one and only you

I can drop you off
on my way back to the post.

- This is very nice of you.
- Not at all.

May I ask you...

...could I call on you sometime?.
- Oh, well, you see, I'm...

I just broke up with someone.

- He must be devastated.
- Oh... he doesn't know yet.

(reveille)

Fall in!. Arrgh!. And gather!.
Gather in... in a square!. All right.

Good!.

All right, you've seen real soldiers before.
Just... do what they do.

All right, let's do the
"grab the rifle by the bottom" thing!.

Arrgh!.

All right!. Now, let's do the,
you know, the shoulder thing!.

Arrgh!. The shoulder thing!.
Ah!. Arrgh!. Arrgh!. Yes.

All right. And now the... the
"showing the rifle for the inspection" bit.

Go!. Arrgh!. Arrgh!.

(gunshot)

(yelling)

Well, my feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

Go, go, go, go!.

Dobie, come on!. Come on, buddy.

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

(yelling)

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

Said feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

No. Nope.

I'm just so damn proud.

My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now

My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now

I can barely move my legs

I can barely move my legs

Do me a favour and kill me now

Do me a favour and kill me now

Something, something rhymes with legs

Something, something rhymes with legs

My life is over anyhow

(Doberman pants)

(Wally sniggers)

- Sarge!.
- Sarge!. He's killing us!.

- I can't do this.
- What's the matter with you people?.

Generation X!.

- He's killin' us!.
- You've all gone soft!.

- Get serious, Sarge!.
- I am serious.

I've been thinking about this.
You're Bilko's platoon!.

Whatever they dish out, we can take.

I want to see you two in my quarters.

- Oh!.
- (both) Sarge.

I'm paralysed.
I have no feeling from the hair down.

Make the bad man stop.

- Who are you calling?.
- Rita. Her voice will make me feel better.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow.

(phone ringing)

(ringing)

If any of this is frightening,
just hold onto me.

They're dancing Raisinets.

And you don't find that frightening?.

Let's work

Be proud

Stand tall

- Sarge?. Sarge.
- What's the matter?.

I put on three pounds.

Funny, it doesn't show.
Luis!. This calls for plan A.

That won't work. He's on his way over.
He says if I can't do ten push-ups...

...he's gonna move me out.

All right!. Plan B.

Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir!.
Have you lost w...

(grunting)

Good work, Doberman!.

(all grunt)

So, John, if you spoke to the officers
and their wives, it would mean a lot.

They keep hearing rumours
that Fort Baxter will be shut down.

Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank
disaster, I don't know what might happen.

Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad.

Well, you will think of something.
I have complete faith in you.

- Thank you.
- (rapping on door)

- Sorry, I didn't realise you had company.
- Quite all right, Bilko.

Colonel, you didn't tell me
there was a movie star here.

Sharon Stone!. The men will be so excited.

- Bilko.
- We've seen all your movies.

- They're a little racy for me.
- Sergeant Bilko...

You know this is Mrs Hall.

Mrs Hall!. Cradle robber. You were
dazzled by an older man, is that it?.

- Bilko!.
- Yes, my colonel?.

John, I will see you later.

Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall.

- What is it, Sergeant?.
- Sir, if I could ask you again.

- These desert manoeuvres...
- You can go.

If you'd seen the look on the men's faces
when I said we wouldn't...

- I said I've changed my mind.
- Zimmerman...

...I had to cradle him in my... We can go?.

- Have a safe trip, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir.

Oh, sure.

Bright light city gonna set my soul

Gonna set my soul on fire

Viva Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas

There's blackjack and poker
and the roulette wheel

All you need's a strong heart
and a nerve of steel

Viva Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing

Sarge, you're crying.

It's just... so beautiful.

Viva, viva, Las Vegas

All right, soldiers. Prepare for manoeuvres!.

I killed an afternoon convincing
Colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble...

...if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres.

You've got three days
to get into this computer.

Find me everything.

If he stole a match,
I want to know about it.

I'm goin' to party town

Yeah, yeah

I wanna party down

Yeah, yeah

I wanna have some fun
I'm gonna fool around

I'm goin' to party town

Right here in party town

Yeah, yeah

They really party down

Yeah, yeah

Man, it's a party town

Yeah, yeah

- Where we goin'?.
- Craps.

Think of the changes you wanna make
when we own this place.

Hey, Sarge, I was thinkin',
is it safe for us to be off the base?.

- Thorn will be up to somethin'.
- You just thought of that?.

Relax. Before we left, I had Luis encrypt
the files. It'll take 'em years to break in.

We're in.

(Thorn) Good job.

Now, how far back do you want us to go?.

You two kids have just been sensational.

Why don't you knock off
for the rest of the evening?.

And do what?.

- Have fun. Unwind.
- Hm.

- Well, shall I...?.
- No, leave it on for a second.

I'd just like to check on one or two things,
just out of curiosity.

Well, good night.

Good night.

I think it was very exciting,
the way you broke into that computer.

- It was?.
- Yes!.

- (0ster) Can I buy you a drink?.
- Why, yes.

Oh, oh, oh!. There they go!.

Oh, my. All right.

Oh!. Ouch!. They're hot!. They're hot.
Quick, quick, cool 'em off.

Press the six and the eight
and the black ten.

- All right, here we go. Now...
- Oh, he's shakin' 'em off.

Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch.
It looks like the high, hard one!.

Ooh, baby!. Oh, good.

Gently. OK, and now, it's just a little...
It's easy, it's easy, it's easy.

It's just... behind the back.

Winner!. We have a winner.

Wait a minute. This chip is scratched.

- Mr Bilko.
- Yes?.

That's quite a run.
Is there anything we can do for you?.

Yes, go to your vault and tell your money
to be patient. We'll be together soon.

You mean he stood you up
before that night at the Rusty Spur?.

Mm-hm. He left me standing at the altar.

There can be no excuse for that.

You'd be surprised. He had a new excuse
every time. They were all pretty amazing.

- He did that more than once?.
- Mm-hm.

Rita, you have a lot of love to give.

And you're smart.
Why put up with a clown like that?.

Because it was exciting. With Ernie,
every day was anything-can-happen day.

Some couples play Scrabble.

This isn't a game we're talking about -
it's your life.

Where I come from, when you tell
a woman you'll marry her, you mean it.

You know something?. I would never
stand you up. I'd never not call you.

But then, I'm an officer with career
prospects. I can handle responsibility.

I guess you can.

Wouldn't you like a man
who's there for you?.

A man who wants to get married,
settle down and have a family.

Yes.

I bought you this.

A ring!.

Two carats of cubic zirconia.

It's beautiful.

Oh...

This is happening... too fast.

I don't want to hurt Ernie.

No.

We really don't want to hurt Ernie.

- That's when Vegas was Vegas.
- Excuse me, Mr Bilko?.

- He said it was an emergency.
- This must be the Pentagon.

Hello?. I can hardly hear you.

Rita Robbins. She's been out
with that guy Thorn every night.

- Thorn?.
- Since before you went on manoeuvres.

Tomorrow night they're going out to
that fancy French restaurant in Roseville.

She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie,
I gotta tell ya. Like she would do anything.

- Thanks, Sowicki.
- Bye, Ernie.

- Thank you, Stan.
- Hey, thank you!.

For allowing me
to screw with Bilko's head.

Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan.

I just need to find out
how much he really loves me.

- He loves you plenty.
- More than Las Vegas?.

That's asking a lot.

(rings)

(answer phone) Hi, this is Rita. I'm not in
right now. Please leave a message.

Rita, it's me, Ernie. I'm on my way home.
I hear you're seeing Thorn...

...and I just don't want you to take it too
seriously. He's only with you to annoy me.

I see. He couldn't possibly be interested
in me-that would be ridiculous.

Rita, you're there.
This guy has terrible qualities.

- For one thing, he's very manipulative.
- He seemed nice to me. Goodbye.

Hello?. Hello?.

Rita?. Rita?.

Why do you smell the cork?.

Your eyes are hazel, aren't they?.

Green.

(Bilko) I never have sex on the first date.

Thank God, it's our third. Oh, this is such
a... Oh, can't you just smell that... salad?.

Yes, I have a reservation.

Ah, this must be the table. You know,
what they do very well here is the garlic.

Oh, I touched you.
My temperature is rising.

Waiter, could we have two glasses
of red house, uh... s'il vous please?.

In.

Bilko. What a fool.

Yeah.

How can he afford to eat here
on a sergeant's pay?.

- I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon.
- No kidding?.

(exaggerated laugh)

- That woman's kind of attractive too.
- You think so?.

Well, not compared to you, of course.

Anyway, I understand
the oysters here are...

...very, uh, very, uh... imported.

- Just get me out of here fast.
- Relax, Paparelli.

If you wanna make Rita jealous,
why not use Barbella?.

She knows Barbella. I needed someone
she can't recognise. Someone alluring.

Thank you.

Ah!. Well, it's Rita Robbins
and Major Thorn!. Ah!. A-ha-ha, aha.

Um, excuse me. One moment.

- (Bilko clears throat)
- She's coming over?. She's coming over?.

Ernie, you made Paparelli
get into drag just to make me jealous?.

Well, actually, he was already in drag.
Paparelli, scram!. Get going.

Rita, you can't marry Thorn.
You don't love him.

Think of the children.
You're a Catholic and he's an asshole!.

How would you raise them?. And he's
already cheating on you with Paparelli.

Hi, soldier boy.

(hisses suggestively)

Sowicki never told you
I was marrying Thorn.

You told Sowicki to call me.
You manipulated me. How could you?.

Why not?. I have a master's in
manipulation from the University of Bilko.

You tricked me. You sucked me in.

This is the most turned on
I've ever been in my life.

Rita, I'm so glad
we're back together again.

Twelve more days.

No wonder the hovertank never worked.

Yes, sir. He's been diverting research
funds into his own private account.

For all the differences I've had with Bilko
over the years, I've always liked him.

The way he kept up the men's morale.

The way he'd pretend to cry when I went
on leave. The way, on my birthday...

...he'd have the men mow my name in
the main lawn with a big heart around it.

- But now there'll be a court martial.
- Yes, sir.

- Unless...
- Unless?.

It's just that I know we'd both
do anything to spare Bilko a court martial.

If he could just be quietly punished.

(sighs) Yeah, sure.

But... but how?.

The CO has certain powers, sir.

- Powers?.
- Can't he, for instance, have a soldier...

...trans...

Trans... atlantic?.

Trans... vestite?.

- Transferred!.
- What a wonderful idea.

Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning.

It'd have to be somewhere where there'd
be no chance of him making trouble again.

Greenland?.

He's been out walking
by himself for, like, four hours.

- What's he doin'?.
- He's thinkin'.

- I thought I heard him crying.
- He even asked for a box of tissues.

I guess you're happy.

Yeah. He hated the sarge.
He was probably helping Thorn to get him.

- I was not!.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This is Bilko we're
talkin' about here. Bilko!.

Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on!.

- That's right.
- (Paparelli) He'll think of somethin'.

Remember when I got the letter from
my wife sayin' she wanted to break up?.

- Remember what Bilko did?.
- He got your wife back?.

No, he got me another wife. A better wife!.

- Yeah!.
- He'll come up with his best plan ever.

Listen, I pity Major Thorn.
When Bilko gets done with him...

- (Doberman) Sarge!.
- Ten-hut!.

Hey, Sarge!.

- Sarge!.
- Sarge!. You've come back!.

Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.

Fall in and look this way!.

Hello, soldiers.

I'm talking to you.
Because that's what you are really.

Soldiers, every last one of you -
with a couple of exceptions.

- He's got a plan.
- He sure does.

I wanna tell you a little story.
There was once a little boy...

...and that little boy had a dream to run
one of the most sophisticated...

...illegal gaming operations
the US Army has ever seen.

- He's not worried.
- Not a bit.

And that little boy's dream came true.

But now they're trying to
snatch that dream back from him.

- He is worried.
- That's not good.

But what are the last two letters
in the name Bilko?. K-O!.

Of course, the first are B-l-L,
which is meaningless.

But still, am I giving up?. No!. Never!.
Well, kind of, but not really...

...because there is no way
I am going to Greenland.

Well, you're probably wondering
if I have a plan.

Well, of course I have a plan!.
A P-L-A-N. Plan.

But...

- He's got no plan.
- We're screwed.

- I have a plan, Sarge.
- But maybe a plan is not what I need!.

What I really need is just a little puppy.

A little puppy with big, brown eyes
who'll just come to me and lick my face...

...and just love me so much,
no matter what kind of person I am.

(Bilko sobs)

Sarge, I really do have a plan.

Oh, so now you have a plan.
Well, let's hear your plan, Wally.

What if the hovertank did work?. That'd
prove you haven't diverted the money.

Oh!. That is so stup... What?.

That would prove you hadn't been
diverting the money. Wouldn't it?.

Are you saying you can get
the hovertank to work?.

No, of course not. But we don't need to
hold four aces if they think we hold 'em.

Permission to speak freely?.

Tell me a bit more about this plan,
because I think that's actually...

If they come, deny everything.
Just act dumb.

Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.

I love the nightlife, I like to boogie

I like to rock all night long

(Bilko) Ahem.

Oh... it's you, Bilko.

Sir, if I could talk with you
just for a moment.

If you've come to talk about Greenland,
you're wasting your time.

Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed.

Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest
week's pay for an honest day's work.

- I didn't steal money, sir.
- Please, Bilko.

Let's just say goodbye.

And thank you.

- For what, sir?.
- Well, for...

...always making me feel like
I actually ran this place.

Good old Fort Baxter.

I guess your garden
is one of the things you'll miss most.

Ah, yes. I love...

- Miss?. Why miss?.
- The colonel hasn't heard?.

- In that case, it must not be true.
- What?. Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter?.

You didn't hear it from me.

Take good care of yourself in...
I've said enough.

Have you heard where they're sending me?.

- You're stepping on your flowers.
- The hell with them!. Where?.

- Where are they sending me?.
- It's just rumour, sir.

Oh, that fair skin
under the burning desert sun...

Oh, my God. The desert sun.

Remember, if you get lost, travel by night.

- How can they do this to me?.
- The hovertank test was the last straw.

Too bad they didn't schedule it this week.

Well...

- Goodbye.
- Wha...?. Wait!.

- You mean the hovertank is working?.
- Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir:

..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP."

"Call the Pentagon
and the Department of the Army."

- All right.
- I've already taken that liberty, sir.

- Thank you.
- Oh, that picture of you...

...standing triumphant at the test.

That'll keep me warm
on those lonely nights in Greenland.

In Greenland, sir.

Oh. Yes.

Well, goodbye.

- Ah, Bi...
- Yes, sir?.

If the test goes well,
you won't be transferred.

Well, thank you, sir!. I'm stunned!.

Just as a formality,
I've put that in writing.

If you could just sign here
and here, and initial here.

- Here?.
- Uh, no. Here.

And I'll just notarise that.

- And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee.
- Oh. Thank you.

Here you are. Good day.

No, it'll hover. But as before...

...it will go completely haywire
if we attempt to fire the cannon.

We know that. We just need
a couple of hours with it.

- Let's get started.
- It's a $70-million piece of equipment.

You think I'm gonna allow
one of your men to fool around with it?.

- I think not.
- Oh. Mm-hm.

Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what?.

What's this?. Oh!.
I almost forgot I had these.

It's the IOUs from the poker game.

- Would he like to use my tools?.
- That would be nice.

- You saw it?.
- Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed.

- A perfect hit.
- (louder) The hovertank?.

- I thought that thing was busted.
- Yeah, it was.

But the kid, Wally, he fixed it.

He said the key was the...

The...?.

The fire-control
and super-elevator board.

- Imagine that.
- Yeah, the super-elevator board.

And the great thing is, if it works
at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay.

Great!.

Yeah.

- Wonderful to see you again, General.
- You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall.

- And, of course, you know Major Thorn.
- Thorn.

(deep sigh)

- Tank crew ready, sir.
- Very good, Bilko. General.

Master Sergeant Bilko.
It's an honour to meet you.

- You look terrific!. Have you lost weight?.
- Who is this?.

Members of Congress, General Tennyson,
colleagues from the defence industries...

...distinguished guests, welcome.

The weapon system
you are about to see today...

...can be called the world's first
truly all-terrain assault vehicle...

...which I'm proud to say was developed
entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter.

I give you the armoured attack platform
to lead American defence forces...

...into the 21st century.
The HTX-1 hovertank.

Water and rough terrain can stop
an ordinary M1 or APC...

...but the hovertank can literally rise
above these obstacles.

And that is the capability
we will show you here today.

Hovertank, you are looking good.

Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah!.

(groans)

(applause)

Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch.

Fire in the hole!.

- You hit the wrong button, Rastahead!.
- It's not my fault!. He wired it wrong!.

Any questions?.

Congratulations, honey.

- Home run, sir!.
- Thank you, Captain.

- We'll rush this baby into production.
- Thank you.

Jack, I thank you
on behalf of a grateful nation.

I just can't wait to see
what you fellas come up with next.

Wait!. Wait. The demonstration was rigged.

Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir?.
Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?.

I've never given that serious consideration.

Wait!. General!. He faked it!.

Didn't you see the gun was aimed
at target three, but blew up target four?.

Yes, I did.

If you remember
Einstein's theory, space is curved.

- Yes.
- And these are smart weapons.

Oh, cut the crap!. He faked it.
It's just one of his scams.

That's a serious charge.
Colonel, what about this?.

General, in all my years in the service...

...I have never, not once,
publicly berated a fellow officer.

But I realise now that from the moment
Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter...

...he engaged in a personal vendetta
against Master Sergeant Bilko.

I find his conduct inexcusable, and will
recommend an article 32 investigation.

- I see.
- (Thorn) You don't understand.

He doesn't know what's going on. This
sergeant leads him around by the nose!.

Major!. You are the most
insubordinate officer I have ever met.

I'm telling you, he's a boob!. He doesn't
get it!. They faked the whole thing!.

I'd like to see just one piece of evidence
to support these idiotic allegations.

Idiotic, huh?. How's this for evidence?. The
fire-control and super-elevator board.

I took it out last night,
so how can it work?.

So you deliberately
sabotaged this project, Major?.

I got it all on tape.

Lucky.

(wind howling)

- Whoo!.
- Yeah, celebration time.

Chin-chin.

Because I know Pap knew it,
and I... Stand, troops!.

- You're in the presence of a genius.
- (all) Hoo-ah!.

You're a total kingpin. You got Thorn
to sabotage something that didn't work!.

Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without
our Wally. Where is he, where is the lad?.

Here, Sarge.

I was just resetting
the colonel's odometer.

- I told you Wally was all right.
- OK. Glee club.

Oh, well.

Only you, only you, only you

Can make this change in me

Only you

You are my destiny

Destiny

When you hold my hand,
I understand the

Magic that you do,
magic that you do

Ooh, you're my dream come true

My one and only

You

Hum

Hum

It's only you

Very nice.

Aw, get up, Bilko.

Marry me, Rita. I know I'm a long shot,
but sometimes long shots pay off big.

(soldiers cheer)

(organ plays
"0nward, Christian Soldiers")

(music ends)

(organ resumes)

Don't even ask. I forgot it was
daylight-savings time. Can you believe it?.

Well, better late than never.

- Poker?.
- All right.

Nickel ante.

Let's make it interesting.
One hand of showdown.

If I win, we get married.

Ernie, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

I've never known you to chicken out
of a game, whatever the stakes.

(whispers) You're on.

Well, well, well, what do you know?.

- Full house. Jacks over threes.
- You cheated!.

- No, and we're getting married!.
- When?.

Now!. (blows whistle)

Daddy!.

- Ow!.
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...

...to witness the joining of these
two good people in holy matrimony.

Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest Bilko
to love, honour and cherish...

...for richer or poorer...
- Think we're moving too fast?.

- I do.
- Let's go!.

- Do you, Ernest Bilko, take Rita...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do.

By the power vested in me, I pronounce
you husband and wife. You may ki...

Ah.

Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo

Livin' in the USA

Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo

Livin' in the USA

Where are you goin' to?.

What are you gonna do?.

Do you think that it will be easy?.

Do you think that it will be pleasin'?.
Hey, hey, what'd you say?.

I won't pay, I'd rather play

It's my freedom
Ah, don't worry about me, babe

I got to be free, babe

Hey, hey, hey, yeah

Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo

Livin' in the USA

Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo doo, doo

Livin' in the USA

Hey, we're gonna make it, baby

Yeah, we got to shake it, baby

Hey, gonna break it, girl,
yeah, yeah, yeah, girl

Come on, baby, hey

Oh, hey

Oh, hey

In the USA, baby

Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo

Livin' in the USA

Don't worry about me, babe

Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo

Livin' in the USA
Livin' in the USA

Doo, doo-doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo

Livin' in the USA

I got to be free