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1
00:00:00,682 --> 00:00:01,982
And then my weekend nanny
2
00:00:01,984 --> 00:00:04,985
had another death in the family... again.
3
00:00:04,987 --> 00:00:06,787
Can you believe the luck I'm having?
4
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:08,355
Actually, it was the worst summer.
5
00:00:08,357 --> 00:00:10,791
We were flying back and forth
from Capri to South Hampton.
6
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,159
I'm overseeing two renovations.
7
00:00:12,161 --> 00:00:13,760
That's two sets of blueprints.
8
00:00:13,762 --> 00:00:16,696
I need a vacation from my vacation.
9
00:00:16,698 --> 00:00:18,198
Where do you guys summer, again?
10
00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,668
We summer on 61st Street
between 2nd and 3rd.
11
00:00:21,670 --> 00:00:23,236
Mm.
12
00:00:23,238 --> 00:00:26,506
Welcome, everyone.
13
00:00:26,508 --> 00:00:30,744
We're delighted to have you
here at our curriculum night.
14
00:00:30,746 --> 00:00:32,712
Curriculum night, please.
15
00:00:32,714 --> 00:00:34,314
They're in preschool.
16
00:00:34,316 --> 00:00:36,817
What's next, they're gonna major
in finger-painting and sand?
17
00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:38,585
And while you've been busy
18
00:00:38,587 --> 00:00:42,556
working on those kindergarten applications,
19
00:00:42,558 --> 00:00:43,790
we've been busy too,
20
00:00:43,792 --> 00:00:46,860
learning a little bit about you.
21
00:00:46,862 --> 00:00:49,796
Rutherford says,
22
00:00:49,798 --> 00:00:52,299
"My mommy loves salad,
23
00:00:52,301 --> 00:00:55,936
Pinot Grigio, and our helicopter."
24
00:00:57,439 --> 00:01:02,142
Piper says, "My daddy's a plastic surgeon."
25
00:01:02,144 --> 00:01:08,048
He loves his Maseratis and
making people's faces not ugly."
26
00:01:10,119 --> 00:01:12,742
And this from Dottie...
27
00:01:13,689 --> 00:01:16,823
"My mommy loves tattoos,
28
00:01:16,825 --> 00:01:19,398
"underwear dance parties,
29
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,906
and bad words."
30
00:01:24,442 --> 00:01:26,328
Oh, shit.
31
00:01:27,531 --> 00:01:30,208
Odd Mom Out - 01x01 - 01x02
Wheels Up - Vons Have More Fun
32
00:01:35,344 --> 00:01:36,877
Mommy!
33
00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:45,185
Mommy, why is your butt so jiggly?
34
00:01:45,187 --> 00:01:47,387
Because I have three kids.
35
00:01:47,389 --> 00:01:48,688
Thanks, Miles.
36
00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:49,890
Guys, okay you have to get dressed.
37
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,291
We're gonna do the thing for Daddy, okay?
38
00:01:51,293 --> 00:01:52,459
Hurry, please.
39
00:01:52,461 --> 00:01:54,027
Hey, guys, come on, get dressed.
40
00:01:54,029 --> 00:01:55,829
No, you're too early!
41
00:01:55,831 --> 00:01:58,064
I had a whole surprise for you.
42
00:01:58,066 --> 00:01:59,366
For me? Oh, well...
43
00:01:59,368 --> 00:02:01,668
Congratulations on making partner.
44
00:02:01,670 --> 00:02:03,970
- We're so proud of you.
- Thank you.
45
00:02:03,972 --> 00:02:05,305
It was gonna be a whole spread
46
00:02:05,307 --> 00:02:06,806
with eggs and fruit and everything.
47
00:02:06,808 --> 00:02:08,475
It was like a miracle.
48
00:02:08,477 --> 00:02:11,211
Did you hear Miles ridiculing my "thass"?
49
00:02:11,213 --> 00:02:12,612
What's "thass?"
50
00:02:12,614 --> 00:02:14,381
"Thigh" plus "ass" equals "thass."
51
00:02:14,383 --> 00:02:15,649
And after three kids,
52
00:02:15,651 --> 00:02:18,685
my vag is like the Holland Tunnel.
53
00:02:18,687 --> 00:02:20,587
Sometimes I walk around, and it sounds
54
00:02:20,589 --> 00:02:22,255
like somebody's stirring mac and cheese.
55
00:02:22,257 --> 00:02:23,657
Are we having mac and cheese tonight?
56
00:02:23,659 --> 00:02:24,758
I said get dressed!
57
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,327
Get dressed please.
58
00:02:27,329 --> 00:02:28,495
I don't know.
59
00:02:28,497 --> 00:02:30,397
I think everything's holding up great.
60
00:02:30,399 --> 00:02:31,431
In fact, I was thinking,
61
00:02:31,433 --> 00:02:33,400
what if I went into work late today?
62
00:02:33,402 --> 00:02:35,168
Honey, I know it's your special day,
63
00:02:35,170 --> 00:02:37,070
but there was just a study
at Stanford University...
64
00:02:37,072 --> 00:02:38,438
Mommy, can I crack an egg?
65
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:39,773
That all these mothers
have sensory overload...
66
00:02:41,076 --> 00:02:42,842
'Cause the kids are, like,
pawing them all day,
67
00:02:42,844 --> 00:02:44,444
and so we're, like, OD-ing on touch.
68
00:02:44,446 --> 00:02:45,912
- Right.
- Okay?
69
00:02:45,914 --> 00:02:47,113
And we have to pick the photos
70
00:02:47,115 --> 00:02:48,548
for the kids' kindergarten applications.
71
00:02:48,550 --> 00:02:49,716
- Yep.
- We have to pick today.
72
00:02:49,718 --> 00:02:50,750
Come here.
73
00:02:50,752 --> 00:02:51,751
Can I have gum for breakfast?
74
00:02:51,753 --> 00:02:53,119
Nope, no gum.
75
00:02:53,121 --> 00:02:55,288
Do you think Miles looks
a little R-A-P-E-Y here?
76
00:02:56,525 --> 00:02:58,992
Who calls anymore?
77
00:02:58,994 --> 00:03:00,160
My mother.
78
00:03:00,162 --> 00:03:01,561
Okay, guys, did you brush your teeth yet?
79
00:03:01,563 --> 00:03:04,731
- Hello, Mother.
- Isn't it wonderful news?
80
00:03:04,733 --> 00:03:06,700
Uh, yeah, thanks, how'd you hear?
81
00:03:06,702 --> 00:03:10,103
The New York Times, CNN, Bloomberg News.
82
00:03:10,105 --> 00:03:12,572
It's on the front page
of every business section.
83
00:03:12,574 --> 00:03:14,841
Oh, I thought you were
calling about my news.
84
00:03:14,843 --> 00:03:16,476
I'm just catching up, one second.
85
00:03:16,478 --> 00:03:17,744
I'll save you the trouble.
86
00:03:17,746 --> 00:03:20,046
Hercules Partners,
your baby brother's firm,
87
00:03:20,048 --> 00:03:22,515
sold that bagel company to the Chinese
88
00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:25,418
for $675 million.
89
00:03:26,687 --> 00:03:28,588
What was your news?
90
00:03:28,590 --> 00:03:29,956
Um...
91
00:03:32,727 --> 00:03:33,727
Congratulations.
92
00:03:33,729 --> 00:03:34,761
Thank you.
93
00:03:34,763 --> 00:03:36,062
- Congratulations
- Thanks, guys.
94
00:03:36,064 --> 00:03:38,031
Whoo, Andy!
95
00:03:38,033 --> 00:03:40,767
Yes, dude, so give me the play-by-play.
96
00:03:40,769 --> 00:03:43,036
Oh, but, like, make it like
SportsCenter, though.
97
00:03:43,038 --> 00:03:44,571
I guess it's been in the works for a while.
98
00:03:44,573 --> 00:03:46,039
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
99
00:03:46,041 --> 00:03:47,474
I was always on the partner track.
100
00:03:47,476 --> 00:03:49,142
No, no, no, dude, not that.
101
00:03:49,144 --> 00:03:51,144
No, your kid brother, Lex.
102
00:03:51,146 --> 00:03:54,214
Uh, ka-ching.
103
00:03:54,216 --> 00:03:55,649
Bagels.
104
00:03:58,352 --> 00:03:59,486
I mean, they're my in-laws.
105
00:03:59,488 --> 00:04:00,920
I should be happy for them,
106
00:04:00,922 --> 00:04:02,722
but they're gonna be even more "insuffs"
107
00:04:02,724 --> 00:04:03,990
than they already are.
108
00:04:03,992 --> 00:04:05,425
It'll be wheels up to St. Barth's
109
00:04:05,427 --> 00:04:08,228
and wheels up to Aspen
and breakfast at Wimbledon.
110
00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:11,731
I'm a doctor. I save babies with my hands.
111
00:04:11,733 --> 00:04:13,967
Even if I live to be "eleventy,"
112
00:04:13,969 --> 00:04:16,102
I'd never see a tenth of that type of coin.
113
00:04:16,104 --> 00:04:17,737
Lex isn't even that smart.
114
00:04:17,739 --> 00:04:19,372
His equity firm just got lucky
115
00:04:19,374 --> 00:04:21,875
investing in the company
that brought bagels to China.
116
00:04:21,877 --> 00:04:23,243
China, I know.
117
00:04:23,245 --> 00:04:26,046
I mean, if it were North Korea,
I'd be impressed.
118
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:27,580
He and Brooke are fetuses,
119
00:04:27,582 --> 00:04:30,116
and now they're as rich
as Mark Zuckerberg's pinky.
120
00:04:30,118 --> 00:04:34,821
Okay, you do realize
you're rich too, right?
121
00:04:34,823 --> 00:04:36,356
Yeah, maybe in the normal universe,
122
00:04:36,358 --> 00:04:37,691
where normal people live.
123
00:04:37,693 --> 00:04:40,727
But between Lexington and 5th,
I'm a charity case.
124
00:04:40,729 --> 00:04:42,128
- Jill!
- Seriously.
125
00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:43,797
People come to our walk-up for play dates,
126
00:04:43,799 --> 00:04:46,499
and they act like I live
in a cardboard box.
127
00:04:46,501 --> 00:04:47,834
Oh...
128
00:04:47,836 --> 00:04:48,835
sorry.
129
00:04:48,837 --> 00:04:49,936
Oh, my God, it's her.
130
00:04:52,708 --> 00:04:54,207
It's my sister-in-law.
131
00:04:54,209 --> 00:04:56,009
I swear, our kids are
in the same class this year.
132
00:04:56,011 --> 00:04:57,477
I can't escape her.
133
00:04:57,479 --> 00:04:59,579
Wait, I thought she was pregnant
with her fourth.
134
00:04:59,581 --> 00:05:00,814
Did she lose the baby?
135
00:05:00,816 --> 00:05:02,716
No, she's seven months pregnant.
136
00:05:02,718 --> 00:05:05,452
That baby is gonna be
the size of a Diet Coke can.
137
00:05:05,454 --> 00:05:06,853
Hi, guys.
138
00:05:06,855 --> 00:05:09,389
Brooke, congrats on the sale.
139
00:05:09,391 --> 00:05:10,490
So exciting.
140
00:05:10,492 --> 00:05:11,991
We're quite pleased.
141
00:05:11,993 --> 00:05:14,327
We're quite pleased for you.
142
00:05:14,329 --> 00:05:17,130
Vanessa, I haven't seen you
since we had a white president.
143
00:05:17,132 --> 00:05:18,898
- Oh.
- Still living downtown?
144
00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:21,034
Still toughing it out
on the mean streets of SoHo.
145
00:05:21,036 --> 00:05:23,236
- Huh.
- So baby number four.
146
00:05:23,238 --> 00:05:24,704
Good for you!
147
00:05:24,706 --> 00:05:27,774
Thanks, I'm Shamu.
148
00:05:27,776 --> 00:05:29,509
All righty, we're gonna go stuff our faces
149
00:05:29,511 --> 00:05:30,777
at Midnight Express.
150
00:05:30,779 --> 00:05:31,911
Oh, I heard they're closing.
151
00:05:31,913 --> 00:05:32,946
You're kidding.
152
00:05:32,948 --> 00:05:34,214
Yeah, it's gonna be a Flush.
153
00:05:34,216 --> 00:05:35,315
What's a Flush?
154
00:05:35,317 --> 00:05:36,583
It's this California chainlet
155
00:05:36,585 --> 00:05:38,218
that's part juice cleanse, part colonics.
156
00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:39,486
It was in Vanity Fair.
157
00:05:39,488 --> 00:05:40,420
It totally works.
158
00:05:40,422 --> 00:05:43,290
My sister had a toy soldier come out.
159
00:05:43,292 --> 00:05:44,691
So, Jill, I'm seeing you
160
00:05:44,693 --> 00:05:47,527
at my NACHO Kickoff Event this week, right?
161
00:05:47,529 --> 00:05:49,963
At Soul Wheelz? You have yet to RSVP.
162
00:05:49,965 --> 00:05:52,265
Oh, your spinning thing. I totally spaced.
163
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:54,501
I've been so swamped with
kindergarten applications.
164
00:05:54,503 --> 00:05:55,702
Wait, back up.
165
00:05:55,704 --> 00:05:56,937
Why are we talking about nachos?
166
00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,004
No, no, no.
167
00:05:58,006 --> 00:05:59,306
it's my charitable organization.
168
00:05:59,308 --> 00:06:01,141
New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity.
169
00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:03,009
You mean NYACHO?
170
00:06:03,011 --> 00:06:04,344
NACHO.
171
00:06:04,346 --> 00:06:06,012
New Yorkers...
172
00:06:06,014 --> 00:06:07,681
The Y is silent.
173
00:06:07,683 --> 00:06:09,649
It's my charity.
174
00:06:09,651 --> 00:06:11,251
Jill, Soul Wheelz?
175
00:06:11,253 --> 00:06:13,053
Believe me, you don't want me there.
176
00:06:13,055 --> 00:06:14,554
I will be dead on the floor.
177
00:06:14,556 --> 00:06:16,223
They'll need defibrillators.
178
00:06:16,225 --> 00:06:17,490
I'll be in a chalk outline.
179
00:06:17,492 --> 00:06:18,658
You're my sister-in-law,
180
00:06:18,660 --> 00:06:20,827
and you never come to any of my events.
181
00:06:20,829 --> 00:06:22,696
Well, it's hard to line up a sitter.
182
00:06:22,698 --> 00:06:24,931
Oh, Jill, you really need to staff up.
183
00:06:24,933 --> 00:06:26,600
Well, I'm not working right now,
184
00:06:26,602 --> 00:06:28,735
so I prefer to do it myself.
185
00:06:28,737 --> 00:06:30,737
Why don't you take
Stephanie's Thai baby nurse?
186
00:06:30,739 --> 00:06:31,905
You're done with her, right?
187
00:06:31,907 --> 00:06:33,373
She's Tibetan.
188
00:06:33,375 --> 00:06:35,875
Yeah, well, same noodle, different sauce.
189
00:06:35,877 --> 00:06:37,544
Let's go. Bye.
190
00:06:45,454 --> 00:06:47,120
I can't believe this place is closing.
191
00:06:47,122 --> 00:06:49,823
I've been coming here for 30 years.
192
00:06:49,825 --> 00:06:51,625
This place is an institution.
193
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:53,627
Look at... look at this glass bottle.
194
00:06:53,629 --> 00:06:56,363
You know, instead of that
squeezy bullshit.
195
00:06:56,365 --> 00:06:58,765
I mean, look at the people.
196
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:00,133
What is a Flush anyway?
197
00:07:00,135 --> 00:07:01,334
What do these people do?
198
00:07:01,336 --> 00:07:03,236
Put hoses in their ass and blow lunch?
199
00:07:03,238 --> 00:07:05,071
Isn't that like anal bulimia?
200
00:07:05,073 --> 00:07:08,441
People love putting things
in their assholes.
201
00:07:08,443 --> 00:07:10,977
You should see what I see
in the ER on the daily...
202
00:07:10,979 --> 00:07:13,780
iPhone chargers, bottles of Purell,
203
00:07:13,782 --> 00:07:16,283
old Phantom ticket stubs,
204
00:07:16,285 --> 00:07:17,450
plastic Yodas,
205
00:07:17,452 --> 00:07:19,185
Duane Reade receipts, pot.
206
00:07:19,187 --> 00:07:21,254
- I hate people.
- I hate people too.
207
00:07:21,256 --> 00:07:22,389
So "grodsky."
208
00:07:22,391 --> 00:07:23,456
A small piccolo.
209
00:07:23,458 --> 00:07:24,524
You know, it's official.
210
00:07:24,526 --> 00:07:26,693
This place closing just marks the end
211
00:07:26,695 --> 00:07:29,229
of the real, old, gritty Upper East Side.
212
00:07:29,231 --> 00:07:30,497
"Gritty"? When?
213
00:07:30,499 --> 00:07:32,198
Before they paved Park Avenue?
214
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,733
At least when I was growing up,
215
00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:35,769
there was some shame around being rich.
216
00:07:35,771 --> 00:07:38,738
I mean, I knew kids who were
mortified to have a driver.
217
00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:39,906
Now at drop-off,
218
00:07:39,908 --> 00:07:42,075
they're pimpin' cocaine-white SUVs.
219
00:07:42,077 --> 00:07:43,910
And yet you continue to live here.
220
00:07:43,912 --> 00:07:45,211
I was here first.
221
00:07:45,213 --> 00:07:47,280
I love that you still eat doughnuts.
222
00:07:47,282 --> 00:07:48,315
Thank you.
223
00:07:48,317 --> 00:07:51,017
A doughnut is just a gay bagel.
224
00:07:51,019 --> 00:07:52,686
So how are the kids?
225
00:07:52,688 --> 00:07:54,387
Fine, annoying.
226
00:07:54,389 --> 00:07:56,022
They'd be a lot cooler
if they could fill out
227
00:07:56,024 --> 00:07:57,590
their own kindergarten applications.
228
00:07:57,592 --> 00:07:59,959
Just promise me you will not turn
229
00:07:59,961 --> 00:08:03,129
into one of those freaky
mom-bots over this stuff.
230
00:08:03,131 --> 00:08:04,531
I would never.
231
00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:05,765
Why do you think I'm blowing off
232
00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,067
Brooke's NACHO thing?
233
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:08,301
'Cause you hate exercise?
234
00:08:08,303 --> 00:08:10,103
No.
235
00:08:10,105 --> 00:08:11,271
Okay, yes.
236
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:13,106
But Soul Wheelz is, like, the first stop
237
00:08:13,108 --> 00:08:14,641
on the mom-bot express.
238
00:08:14,643 --> 00:08:15,742
It's a cult.
239
00:08:15,744 --> 00:08:17,210
Plus, I'm not a joiner.
240
00:08:17,212 --> 00:08:20,347
So don't join the kindergarten cult either.
241
00:08:20,349 --> 00:08:21,481
Your kids are great.
242
00:08:21,483 --> 00:08:23,683
They'll be fine, wherever they go.
243
00:08:23,685 --> 00:08:25,185
Oh, you're so naive.
244
00:08:25,187 --> 00:08:26,419
But I'll give you this.
245
00:08:26,421 --> 00:08:27,954
If I ever say that I'm going
246
00:08:27,956 --> 00:08:31,858
to a $3,000-a-plate
hat luncheon with the ladies,
247
00:08:31,860 --> 00:08:34,461
you have my permission to kidnap me,
248
00:08:34,463 --> 00:08:35,662
drag me into the woods...
249
00:08:35,664 --> 00:08:37,197
And shoot you?
250
00:08:37,199 --> 00:08:38,998
I was gonna say "deprogram me,"
251
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,500
but use your judgment.
252
00:08:40,502 --> 00:08:41,868
- Done.
- Okay.
253
00:08:53,248 --> 00:08:54,280
It's Mrs. Hardwick.
254
00:08:54,282 --> 00:08:55,448
It's Mrs. Hardwick.
255
00:08:55,450 --> 00:08:56,449
Hello, Mrs. Hardwick.
256
00:08:56,451 --> 00:08:57,484
Hello, Mrs. Hardwick!
257
00:08:57,486 --> 00:08:59,285
Mrs. Weber.
258
00:08:59,287 --> 00:09:00,286
Me?
259
00:09:00,288 --> 00:09:03,790
May I see you in my office?
260
00:09:03,792 --> 00:09:07,127
Of course, Mrs. Hardwick.
261
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:08,395
Mrs. Weber,
262
00:09:08,397 --> 00:09:11,164
we've known your family for several years,
263
00:09:11,166 --> 00:09:13,266
and while we've come to appreciate your,
264
00:09:13,268 --> 00:09:17,404
shall we say, unorthodox
approach to parenting,
265
00:09:17,406 --> 00:09:21,374
this admissions season
is particularly cut-throat.
266
00:09:21,376 --> 00:09:24,010
These schools are looking for leaders,
267
00:09:24,012 --> 00:09:25,612
students with vision.
268
00:09:25,614 --> 00:09:27,981
If we give them blocks,
269
00:09:27,983 --> 00:09:32,318
will they make a pile
or the Arc de Triomphe?
270
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,088
Mine usually just lick the blocks.
271
00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:37,157
- I mean, they're 4.
- Indeed.
272
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:38,858
And young 4s,
273
00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,827
given their late-July birthdays.
274
00:09:40,829 --> 00:09:42,262
So unfortunate.
275
00:09:42,264 --> 00:09:44,297
They're competing against children
276
00:09:44,299 --> 00:09:46,299
who have been bred for success.
277
00:09:46,301 --> 00:09:49,002
Legacy families, leaders of the community.
278
00:09:49,004 --> 00:09:52,572
And, unfortunately,
while you are different,
279
00:09:52,574 --> 00:09:56,142
you don't technically qualify as diversity.
280
00:09:56,144 --> 00:09:59,312
Sometimes Miles looks half Cherokee.
281
00:09:59,314 --> 00:10:02,615
How.
282
00:10:02,617 --> 00:10:05,084
I'm going to recommend
283
00:10:05,086 --> 00:10:07,454
that you cast a wide net.
284
00:10:07,456 --> 00:10:10,089
Yes, we have Miles applying
to five schools,
285
00:10:10,091 --> 00:10:11,424
Dottie to four.
286
00:10:11,426 --> 00:10:13,460
We have our zoned local public school,
287
00:10:13,462 --> 00:10:15,662
a charter school, and Hunter.
288
00:10:15,664 --> 00:10:19,399
I'm going to recommend an even wider net.
289
00:10:22,857 --> 00:10:24,857
_
290
00:10:26,445 --> 00:10:28,880
And Andy was up against,
like, three other lawyers
291
00:10:28,882 --> 00:10:30,481
for this position, right?
292
00:10:30,483 --> 00:10:32,884
It's one of the hardest
firms to move up in.
293
00:10:32,886 --> 00:10:34,786
There they are.
294
00:10:34,788 --> 00:10:37,055
Hi. Mazel Tov, guys!
295
00:10:37,057 --> 00:10:38,456
Oh, come on, now.
296
00:10:38,458 --> 00:10:39,791
Tonight is Andy's night.
297
00:10:39,793 --> 00:10:41,092
- Oh, are you kidding?
- My big bro!
298
00:10:41,094 --> 00:10:43,428
- Thanks, and congratulations.
- Thank you.
299
00:10:43,430 --> 00:10:46,030
Oh, I can't wait to see
your new letterhead.
300
00:10:46,032 --> 00:10:48,867
Eldridge, Pinkney, Whitehead & Weber?
301
00:10:48,869 --> 00:10:51,736
Oh, no, they don't change
the name of the firm.
302
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:52,971
It doesn't work like that.
303
00:10:52,973 --> 00:10:54,005
Oh.
304
00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:55,907
Well, good for you, anyway.
305
00:10:55,909 --> 00:10:56,875
Ladies.
306
00:10:56,877 --> 00:10:57,909
Oh, yay, bread.
307
00:10:57,911 --> 00:10:59,043
- No!
- No bread!
308
00:10:59,045 --> 00:11:01,312
No bread!
309
00:11:01,314 --> 00:11:04,482
Oh, I have the proofs from Rutherford's
310
00:11:04,484 --> 00:11:07,418
kindergarten application photo shoot.
311
00:11:07,420 --> 00:11:08,586
Oh!
312
00:11:08,588 --> 00:11:09,754
Mario Testino.
313
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:11,189
Oh, of course, of course.
314
00:11:11,191 --> 00:11:13,591
- Oh, precious.
- Yeah.
315
00:11:13,593 --> 00:11:14,826
Jill, who did you hire
316
00:11:14,828 --> 00:11:16,461
to shoot your children's photographs?
317
00:11:16,463 --> 00:11:17,629
Uh, me.
318
00:11:17,631 --> 00:11:20,265
My rates are great,
and I'm easy to work with.
319
00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:22,500
Oh, right, you and your
little photography hobby.
320
00:11:22,502 --> 00:11:24,869
Mother, it's not a hobby.
321
00:11:24,871 --> 00:11:27,338
Jill shot for tons of magazines
before we had kids.
322
00:11:27,340 --> 00:11:28,873
Yeah, it's like that time you let me
323
00:11:28,875 --> 00:11:32,377
"drop off a package" at that
Victoria's Secret shoot.
324
00:11:32,379 --> 00:11:34,214
That was awesome.
325
00:11:35,382 --> 00:11:38,464
It was before I met you, babe.
326
00:11:39,753 --> 00:11:42,353
Anyway, to Lex and Brooke
327
00:11:42,355 --> 00:11:44,422
and bagels in China.
328
00:11:44,424 --> 00:11:46,791
May they never hear of Dr. Atkins.
329
00:11:49,863 --> 00:11:52,063
So how do you like working
on the Upper East Side?
330
00:11:52,065 --> 00:11:53,264
Love it.
331
00:11:53,266 --> 00:11:54,632
This is just such a nice change of pace
332
00:11:54,634 --> 00:11:55,633
from Bronx Central.
333
00:11:55,635 --> 00:11:57,201
It's so clean here.
334
00:11:57,203 --> 00:11:59,637
And you have toilet paper
in, like, every bathroom stall.
335
00:11:59,639 --> 00:12:03,274
Yeah, it's a great hospital,
even if it has its quirks.
336
00:12:03,276 --> 00:12:04,509
- Heads up.
- Coming through.
337
00:12:04,511 --> 00:12:06,511
Is that a sex machine? Cool.
338
00:12:06,513 --> 00:12:07,745
Pilates Reformer.
339
00:12:07,747 --> 00:12:10,248
We get eight to ten
workout-related injuries a week.
340
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:13,484
Jerry, I'm gonna need the
electrical saw and the drill.
341
00:12:13,486 --> 00:12:15,920
Or we could just cut off her ponytail.
342
00:12:15,922 --> 00:12:17,989
No, not my extensions.
343
00:12:17,991 --> 00:12:20,325
It's Indian hair.
344
00:12:20,327 --> 00:12:22,460
- Like I said, yeah.
- Yeah.
345
00:12:23,729 --> 00:12:24,929
Oh, Jill,
346
00:12:24,931 --> 00:12:26,664
Mrs. Hardwick is coming to NACHO.
347
00:12:26,666 --> 00:12:27,832
I'm sponsoring her bike.
348
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:29,067
Hardwick, seriously?
349
00:12:29,069 --> 00:12:30,268
Why?
350
00:12:30,270 --> 00:12:32,437
Because that woman has the ear
351
00:12:32,439 --> 00:12:34,505
of every school we're applying to.
352
00:12:34,507 --> 00:12:36,407
And if you come, it'll remind her
353
00:12:36,409 --> 00:12:39,677
that you're technically part of our family.
354
00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,412
Brooke, darling, stop pushing.
355
00:12:41,414 --> 00:12:43,915
You're an Olympic skier.
356
00:12:43,917 --> 00:12:45,483
Jill's people aren't exactly known
357
00:12:45,485 --> 00:12:47,018
for their athletic prowess.
358
00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:48,086
Mother.
359
00:12:48,088 --> 00:12:49,721
Well, she can't just decide
360
00:12:49,723 --> 00:12:51,656
to start moving her body one day.
361
00:12:51,658 --> 00:12:55,693
That would be like a panda
deciding to speed-skate.
362
00:12:55,695 --> 00:12:57,595
That would be adorable!
363
00:12:57,597 --> 00:12:59,597
I can move my body.
364
00:12:59,599 --> 00:13:01,032
I'm not a panda.
365
00:13:01,034 --> 00:13:02,333
Of course.
366
00:13:02,335 --> 00:13:05,169
I just don't want anything to go badly.
367
00:13:05,171 --> 00:13:07,905
I appreciate your concern, Candace,
368
00:13:07,907 --> 00:13:10,408
but my "thass" and I will be there.
369
00:13:12,077 --> 00:13:13,344
Quick medical question.
370
00:13:13,346 --> 00:13:15,313
Am I at risk for cardiac arrest
371
00:13:15,315 --> 00:13:16,714
if I do Soul Wheelz
372
00:13:16,716 --> 00:13:19,217
in my current state of non-fitness?
373
00:13:19,219 --> 00:13:22,220
Wait. Are you actually doing
that stupid NYACHO thing?
374
00:13:22,222 --> 00:13:25,123
Yes, those blonde bitches
think I'm gonna break my ass.
375
00:13:25,125 --> 00:13:26,824
What choice do I have?
376
00:13:26,826 --> 00:13:29,861
Okay, I feel it's my
responsibility to remind you
377
00:13:29,863 --> 00:13:33,097
of your step-aerobics moment, junior year.
378
00:13:33,099 --> 00:13:34,799
It was a mild sprain,
379
00:13:34,801 --> 00:13:37,001
and that teacher wasn't even certified.
380
00:13:37,003 --> 00:13:38,236
Fine, go.
381
00:13:38,238 --> 00:13:41,072
But you have to send me pictures
of you in spandex.
382
00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:42,807
It can be my early birthday present.
383
00:13:42,809 --> 00:13:43,875
Done.
384
00:13:43,877 --> 00:13:45,476
Okay got to run. I'm carbo-loading.
385
00:13:45,478 --> 00:13:46,778
Honey, it's not a marathon.
386
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:48,446
It's 40 minutes on a hamster wheel.
387
00:13:48,448 --> 00:13:50,214
You're right. How hard could it be?
388
00:13:50,216 --> 00:13:51,783
Plus, it's for a bad cause.
389
00:13:54,688 --> 00:13:55,820
Hey!
390
00:13:55,822 --> 00:13:58,256
I understand congratulations are in order.
391
00:13:58,258 --> 00:13:59,691
Thanks, Paul.
392
00:13:59,693 --> 00:14:02,093
We are all very happy
for my brother's bank account.
393
00:14:02,095 --> 00:14:03,428
No, I meant you.
394
00:14:03,430 --> 00:14:04,796
You're a partner now.
395
00:14:04,798 --> 00:14:06,064
Come on, top of the heap.
396
00:14:06,066 --> 00:14:07,198
Living large.
397
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,199
What, did you forget?
398
00:14:08,201 --> 00:14:10,301
Almost, actually. Thanks.
399
00:14:10,303 --> 00:14:11,536
It's quite the club we're in.
400
00:14:11,538 --> 00:14:13,871
115 of us partners
401
00:14:13,873 --> 00:14:15,673
get to work ten times as hard
402
00:14:15,675 --> 00:14:17,942
just so the firm keeps most of our salary.
403
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,310
You mean the buy-in.
404
00:14:19,312 --> 00:14:20,745
It's that bad?
405
00:14:20,747 --> 00:14:23,748
Oh, they didn't tell you about that yet.
406
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:26,150
It's $750K for overhead,
407
00:14:26,152 --> 00:14:28,453
plus another 50 grand every year
408
00:14:28,455 --> 00:14:29,887
towards the employee health fund.
409
00:14:29,889 --> 00:14:32,256
- What?
- Yeah, I know.
410
00:14:32,258 --> 00:14:34,258
You can either pay it up front... ha ha...
411
00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:36,494
Or divvy it up over a few years.
412
00:14:36,496 --> 00:14:37,895
I've been a partner ten years now.
413
00:14:37,897 --> 00:14:41,566
So I only got another, what, 16 years
414
00:14:41,568 --> 00:14:43,768
before I'm out of the hole.
415
00:14:43,770 --> 00:14:45,703
Yeah, it's totally worth it.
416
00:15:09,495 --> 00:15:10,828
Hi.
417
00:15:10,830 --> 00:15:13,431
Jill, you made it.
418
00:15:13,433 --> 00:15:15,099
What is this, a unicorn?
419
00:15:15,101 --> 00:15:17,301
Is that... is that a child's shirt?
420
00:15:17,303 --> 00:15:18,703
No, it's mine.
421
00:15:18,705 --> 00:15:21,639
I don't have all
the, like, gear stuff, so...
422
00:15:21,641 --> 00:15:22,640
Jill!
423
00:15:22,642 --> 00:15:23,741
Welcome.
424
00:15:23,743 --> 00:15:25,276
I moved mountains to be here.
425
00:15:25,278 --> 00:15:26,744
I have you at bike four.
426
00:15:26,746 --> 00:15:31,015
Actually, 44, in the back, very back row.
427
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,416
Mrs. Hardwick, hi.
428
00:15:32,418 --> 00:15:35,019
Jill Weber, Dottie and Miles' mom.
429
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:36,287
I just want to tell you,
430
00:15:36,289 --> 00:15:38,456
we are on the wait list for Suzuki violin.
431
00:15:38,458 --> 00:15:40,400
- Martha.
- Ashley, hi!
432
00:15:40,426 --> 00:15:41,759
- What happened?
- I know, I know.
433
00:15:41,761 --> 00:15:43,961
That's why I sent you that message.
434
00:15:43,963 --> 00:15:46,798
Okay.
435
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,266
- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hey.
436
00:15:48,268 --> 00:15:49,600
Wow. Look at this turnout, huh?
437
00:15:49,602 --> 00:15:50,768
I'm so proud of you.
438
00:15:50,770 --> 00:15:51,869
Where's your spin outfit?
439
00:15:51,871 --> 00:15:53,070
I laid it out on the bed for you.
440
00:15:53,072 --> 00:15:54,272
Oh, no, I couldn't.
441
00:15:54,274 --> 00:15:56,440
I just came for the photo-op, right?
442
00:15:56,442 --> 00:15:58,009
I have to be at the club in half an hour.
443
00:15:58,011 --> 00:15:59,577
Actually, in 23 minutes.
444
00:15:59,579 --> 00:16:00,545
Sorry to butt in.
445
00:16:00,547 --> 00:16:02,180
One thing that I asked of you.
446
00:16:02,182 --> 00:16:04,282
Hey, do you want Ella to stay and bike?
447
00:16:04,284 --> 00:16:06,150
I don't need her after this, huh?
448
00:16:06,152 --> 00:16:07,752
Why would I want your assistant here?
449
00:16:07,754 --> 00:16:09,787
You can't just throw her at every problem.
450
00:16:09,789 --> 00:16:12,623
Hey, everybody, let's give
a round of applause
451
00:16:12,625 --> 00:16:14,625
for my beautiful wife, Brooke, huh?
452
00:16:14,627 --> 00:16:16,394
Who made all this happen.
453
00:16:17,931 --> 00:16:19,630
All right!
454
00:16:21,701 --> 00:16:24,001
Hey, sweetheart, how you doing, Jill?
455
00:16:24,003 --> 00:16:26,404
Yeah, you guys have fun, and NACHO, huh?
456
00:16:29,475 --> 00:16:32,977
There is a plague upon us.
457
00:16:32,979 --> 00:16:36,414
Childhood obesity is a scourge
458
00:16:36,416 --> 00:16:38,583
affecting millions of children
459
00:16:38,585 --> 00:16:40,084
in this country,
460
00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:41,853
like little Augustus here.
461
00:16:41,855 --> 00:16:44,252
Augustus, come on up here.
462
00:16:46,259 --> 00:16:49,493
Your financial support will help children
463
00:16:49,495 --> 00:16:53,831
by introducing prophylactic
gastric bypasses
464
00:16:53,833 --> 00:16:58,833
for at-risk kids
with morbidly obese parents.
465
00:16:59,038 --> 00:17:00,304
Thank you, Augustus,
466
00:17:00,306 --> 00:17:04,791
for being the brave face
of this hideous disease.
467
00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:10,414
Hey, are you okay?
468
00:17:10,416 --> 00:17:11,716
That was kind of harsh.
469
00:17:11,718 --> 00:17:12,917
I don't give a shit.
470
00:17:12,919 --> 00:17:15,720
I get 500 bucks
for these dog-and-pony shows.
471
00:17:15,722 --> 00:17:17,054
Not bad.
472
00:17:17,056 --> 00:17:20,925
Now, let's give it up
for the soul of Soul Wheelz,
473
00:17:20,927 --> 00:17:22,793
the one and only Nikki B!
474
00:17:28,835 --> 00:17:31,002
Ah!
475
00:17:31,004 --> 00:17:33,204
Are you bitches ready to sweat?
476
00:17:35,894 --> 00:17:38,495
Jack up that resistance.
477
00:17:38,497 --> 00:17:39,596
Come on.
478
00:17:39,598 --> 00:17:41,831
Only one of you can be the leader
479
00:17:41,833 --> 00:17:44,901
up on that board today.
480
00:17:44,903 --> 00:17:47,003
Who's it gonna be?
481
00:17:47,005 --> 00:17:48,371
And here we go.
482
00:17:48,373 --> 00:17:52,441
Right, left, right, left.
483
00:17:52,443 --> 00:17:53,976
Bike 44,
484
00:17:53,978 --> 00:17:56,646
what's happening over there, unicorn?
485
00:17:56,648 --> 00:17:58,948
Are you with us?
486
00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,349
Turn your resistance down
487
00:18:00,351 --> 00:18:03,719
in three, two, one.
488
00:18:03,721 --> 00:18:04,987
Whoa!
489
00:18:04,989 --> 00:18:06,555
Hey, yeah!
490
00:18:06,557 --> 00:18:09,825
You got to move out
of your comfort zone, people.
491
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:12,428
Right, left, left, right,
left, right, left...
492
00:18:12,430 --> 00:18:14,263
Keep up, unicorn!
493
00:18:14,265 --> 00:18:16,132
What's down there? What's up there?
494
00:18:16,134 --> 00:18:18,301
What's down there? What's up there?
495
00:18:18,303 --> 00:18:21,337
I see who my leaders are.
496
00:18:21,339 --> 00:18:23,339
Unicorn, pick the pace up.
497
00:18:23,341 --> 00:18:25,474
Are you bitches gonna sit back
498
00:18:25,476 --> 00:18:28,644
and let the pregnant lady
on bike 13 steal the title?
499
00:18:28,646 --> 00:18:30,980
Come on!
500
00:18:30,982 --> 00:18:33,549
Unicorn, do you want to be the leader,
501
00:18:33,551 --> 00:18:35,551
or do you want to be one of the pack?
502
00:18:39,790 --> 00:18:43,659
There you go, better.
503
00:18:43,661 --> 00:18:45,161
That's it.
504
00:18:45,163 --> 00:18:47,196
Clap-clap, clap-clap.
505
00:18:47,198 --> 00:18:49,999
Nice.
506
00:18:50,001 --> 00:18:51,567
Stay with it, unicorn!
507
00:18:51,569 --> 00:18:52,902
Stay with it!
508
00:18:52,904 --> 00:18:55,404
Come on!
509
00:18:55,406 --> 00:18:57,039
Am I seeing right?
510
00:18:57,041 --> 00:18:59,642
The unicorn has taken the lead!
511
00:18:59,644 --> 00:19:01,811
Let's here it for unicorn!
512
00:19:01,813 --> 00:19:03,346
Un-i-corn!
513
00:19:06,217 --> 00:19:09,352
Unicorn is our leader!
514
00:19:09,354 --> 00:19:10,920
Left, right, left, right, left, right,
515
00:19:10,922 --> 00:19:13,389
left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right!
516
00:19:13,391 --> 00:19:15,458
You got to move through your comfort zone!
517
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:17,994
You're gonna be dead in 90 years!
518
00:19:19,097 --> 00:19:20,930
Ooh, Daddy's home!
519
00:19:20,932 --> 00:19:23,632
Daddy's home! Daddy's home!
520
00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:25,201
Hey, guys, hey.
521
00:19:25,203 --> 00:19:26,302
- Daddy!
- Daddy!
522
00:19:26,304 --> 00:19:27,970
Hi. What's wrong?
523
00:19:27,972 --> 00:19:30,339
You didn't make $675 million today?
524
00:19:30,341 --> 00:19:31,640
No, I did not,
525
00:19:31,642 --> 00:19:33,142
but I did bring home tacos.
526
00:19:33,144 --> 00:19:35,444
Even better!
527
00:19:35,446 --> 00:19:36,579
Whoo!
528
00:19:36,581 --> 00:19:38,314
I have an announcement to make.
529
00:19:38,316 --> 00:19:39,315
Yeah?
530
00:19:39,317 --> 00:19:41,250
I love exercise now!
531
00:19:41,252 --> 00:19:42,651
I was hyperventilating.
532
00:19:42,653 --> 00:19:43,886
I thought I was gonna die.
533
00:19:43,888 --> 00:19:46,022
And then I staggered home,
and I took a shower,
534
00:19:46,024 --> 00:19:47,857
and it was like the clouds parted
535
00:19:47,859 --> 00:19:49,458
and the angels sang.
536
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,028
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪
537
00:19:52,030 --> 00:19:55,164
♪ Amen ♪
538
00:19:55,166 --> 00:19:56,565
And I not only survived,
539
00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:57,900
I was the leader...
540
00:19:57,902 --> 00:20:01,003
for 7 seconds, but still.
541
00:20:01,005 --> 00:20:02,872
What's wrong?
542
00:20:02,874 --> 00:20:06,675
We have to come up with about
a million bucks for the firm.
543
00:20:06,677 --> 00:20:07,910
It's called a buy-in.
544
00:20:07,912 --> 00:20:09,612
So you got a million bucks sitting around?
545
00:20:09,614 --> 00:20:11,447
'Cause I don't.
546
00:20:11,449 --> 00:20:14,283
Okay, that is sucky enough to kill my buzz.
547
00:20:14,285 --> 00:20:17,286
But I say let's freak out
about it tomorrow.
548
00:20:17,288 --> 00:20:19,488
And I want to show you the photos I took
549
00:20:19,490 --> 00:20:21,390
for the kindergarten applications.
550
00:20:21,392 --> 00:20:22,591
Okay, what do you think?
551
00:20:22,593 --> 00:20:24,960
Do these look like the future
leaders of tomorrow?
552
00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,595
Supreme Court justices?
553
00:20:26,597 --> 00:20:27,763
Pop stars?
554
00:20:27,765 --> 00:20:29,231
People who blog about pop stars?
555
00:20:29,233 --> 00:20:31,534
Dentists, maybe.
556
00:20:31,536 --> 00:20:32,935
I have an idea.
557
00:20:32,937 --> 00:20:35,071
Underwear dance par-tay!
558
00:20:39,377 --> 00:20:41,544
Come on, Miles, get down!
559
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:49,485
Holy Toledo.
560
00:20:51,188 --> 00:20:53,456
Ow, ow, agony.
561
00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:54,557
Ow! Oh, my God!
562
00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:56,992
Ow, ow!
563
00:21:02,065 --> 00:21:04,366
- Hey, Jill.
- I'm stuck on the shitter.
564
00:21:06,404 --> 00:21:07,503
Oh, babe.
565
00:21:07,505 --> 00:21:08,637
I can't get up.
566
00:21:08,639 --> 00:21:10,506
Why did you let me do that?
567
00:21:10,508 --> 00:21:12,208
I tried to warn you.
568
00:21:12,210 --> 00:21:13,242
Ow!
569
00:21:13,244 --> 00:21:15,244
The second day is worse.
570
00:21:15,246 --> 00:21:17,939
I hate exercise!
571
00:21:21,658 --> 00:21:25,287
What does can be so urgent
that it couldn't wait one night?
572
00:21:25,589 --> 00:21:27,423
I mean, that's weird, even for your family.
573
00:21:27,425 --> 00:21:28,791
God only knows.
574
00:21:28,793 --> 00:21:31,059
Something about their trip to Austria.
575
00:21:31,061 --> 00:21:33,262
Well, getting a sitter on two hours' notice
576
00:21:33,264 --> 00:21:36,031
is like the triple Salchow of parenting.
577
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:37,866
It can't be done.
578
00:21:37,868 --> 00:21:39,034
But I did it.
579
00:21:39,036 --> 00:21:40,335
I made it happen.
580
00:21:40,337 --> 00:21:42,037
Ooh.
581
00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:43,338
Hi, come on up.
582
00:21:43,340 --> 00:21:45,007
So who'd we get, Katie or Jenny?
583
00:21:45,009 --> 00:21:46,508
Katie or Jenny?
584
00:21:46,510 --> 00:21:47,876
Hon, are you high?
585
00:21:47,878 --> 00:21:50,312
We're not in a position
to get a babysitter we know.
586
00:21:50,314 --> 00:21:51,680
We're desperados.
587
00:21:51,682 --> 00:21:54,183
So who the hell's looking
after our kids tonight?
588
00:21:54,185 --> 00:21:56,585
Someone that the Goulds'
downstairs neighbor's
589
00:21:56,587 --> 00:21:58,520
sitter's friend met in improv class.
590
00:22:01,325 --> 00:22:02,825
Hi!
591
00:22:02,827 --> 00:22:04,259
Where are the kiddos?
592
00:22:04,261 --> 00:22:06,695
I brought toys.
593
00:22:06,697 --> 00:22:08,764
I bet you did.
594
00:22:08,766 --> 00:22:11,166
Welcome.
595
00:22:11,168 --> 00:22:12,734
Kids, the booby-sitter...
596
00:22:12,736 --> 00:22:14,403
the babysitter's here.
597
00:22:14,405 --> 00:22:16,271
Um, Can you pick your tongue off the floor?
598
00:22:16,273 --> 00:22:17,239
We've got to go.
599
00:22:17,241 --> 00:22:18,273
We have a reservation.
600
00:22:26,850 --> 00:22:30,118
Okay, we scrounged up
a sitter at the last minute.
601
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,955
Pretty sure she's a porn star,
but she was available.
602
00:22:32,957 --> 00:22:36,058
What is this urgent, thrilling news?
603
00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:38,227
It's official.
604
00:22:38,229 --> 00:22:41,864
We're not regular people.
605
00:22:41,866 --> 00:22:43,732
We're Vons.
606
00:22:43,734 --> 00:22:45,567
And so are you.
607
00:22:47,070 --> 00:22:48,437
- What?
- What does that mean?
608
00:22:48,439 --> 00:22:49,905
As you know, one of the reasons
609
00:22:49,907 --> 00:22:51,440
why we flew to Vienna for the weekend
610
00:22:51,442 --> 00:22:53,942
was to explore our family history.
611
00:22:53,944 --> 00:22:57,446
And we discovered that
we are direct descendants
612
00:22:57,448 --> 00:23:00,215
of a 16-century Prussian duke,
613
00:23:00,217 --> 00:23:02,384
Ludwig Von Weber,
614
00:23:02,386 --> 00:23:07,022
which means we are actually
Austrian aristocracy.
615
00:23:07,024 --> 00:23:08,023
Rad.
616
00:23:08,025 --> 00:23:09,024
Oh, yay, bre...
617
00:23:09,026 --> 00:23:11,894
- No bread!
- No bread!
618
00:23:11,896 --> 00:23:13,595
Anyway, I was telling Dottie
619
00:23:13,597 --> 00:23:15,197
the other day for the thousandth time
620
00:23:15,199 --> 00:23:16,698
that she can't pee standing up.
621
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,134
Jillybean, you're not
hearing the best part.
622
00:23:19,136 --> 00:23:23,405
We're all changing our name to Von Weber.
623
00:23:23,407 --> 00:23:25,574
Ha, right!
624
00:23:25,576 --> 00:23:27,442
Oh, my God, you're serious?
625
00:23:27,444 --> 00:23:29,311
Well, we're not actually changing.
626
00:23:29,313 --> 00:23:30,979
We're restoring.
627
00:23:30,981 --> 00:23:32,981
Now, if a Cezanne were chipped,
628
00:23:32,983 --> 00:23:34,750
it would be restored, yes?
629
00:23:34,752 --> 00:23:37,352
You see, this is just
genealogical art history.
630
00:23:37,354 --> 00:23:39,288
Okay, I mean, it's very exciting.
631
00:23:39,290 --> 00:23:40,656
But, I mean, don't you find it
632
00:23:40,658 --> 00:23:43,659
just ever so slightly pretentious?
633
00:23:43,661 --> 00:23:45,827
Is it pretentious to call Judi Dench
634
00:23:45,829 --> 00:23:48,297
Dame Judi Dench?
635
00:23:48,299 --> 00:23:49,731
No.
636
00:23:49,733 --> 00:23:52,334
I redid all of Rutherford's
kindergarten applications,
637
00:23:52,336 --> 00:23:56,505
and let me just say... it's good.
638
00:23:56,507 --> 00:23:59,174
Adding the Von could really
give the twins a leg up,
639
00:23:59,176 --> 00:24:02,811
which, if you think about it...
640
00:24:02,813 --> 00:24:04,379
Just think about it.
641
00:24:04,381 --> 00:24:07,316
So I'm curious, during your research,
642
00:24:07,318 --> 00:24:08,984
did you happen to stumble upon
643
00:24:08,986 --> 00:24:13,922
where this Von Weber clan was
during the 1930s and '40s?
644
00:24:13,924 --> 00:24:16,792
You know, the tree gets a little
fuzzy in that time period.
645
00:24:16,794 --> 00:24:20,162
But a branch of the family
did resurface in Argentina
646
00:24:20,164 --> 00:24:23,265
in the '60s, which is cool.
647
00:24:23,267 --> 00:24:24,600
They're Nazis.
648
00:24:24,602 --> 00:24:26,034
It explains everything.
649
00:24:26,036 --> 00:24:27,536
They're not Nazis.
650
00:24:27,538 --> 00:24:30,305
Look at the antlers on your family crest.
651
00:24:30,307 --> 00:24:33,508
And did you see how they
signaled for no bread?
652
00:24:33,510 --> 00:24:35,143
We are not changing our name.
653
00:24:35,145 --> 00:24:37,112
No, never, nyet.
654
00:24:37,114 --> 00:24:38,747
Nyet is Russian.
655
00:24:38,749 --> 00:24:40,015
I think you mean nein.
656
00:24:40,017 --> 00:24:42,351
And, honey, just playing devil's advocate.
657
00:24:42,353 --> 00:24:44,186
What about the kindergarten
applications thing?
658
00:24:44,188 --> 00:24:47,823
These schools do pop a boner
over fancy lineage.
659
00:24:47,825 --> 00:24:50,926
Oh, I still have a tsunami
of applications to finish.
660
00:24:50,928 --> 00:24:52,995
I know it's weird and unnecessary,
661
00:24:52,997 --> 00:24:54,329
but they're my family.
662
00:24:54,331 --> 00:24:55,631
We have to pick our battles.
663
00:24:55,633 --> 00:24:57,399
And at the end of the day, sweetie,
664
00:24:57,401 --> 00:25:00,002
it's three letters, right?
665
00:25:00,004 --> 00:25:03,005
So could you just pretend
to think about it?
666
00:25:03,007 --> 00:25:04,272
Sure.
667
00:25:04,274 --> 00:25:06,141
Mommy, I'm scared!
668
00:25:06,143 --> 00:25:07,709
Oh. That's the fourth night in a row.
669
00:25:07,711 --> 00:25:08,677
What the hell?
670
00:25:08,679 --> 00:25:10,379
Mommy!
671
00:25:10,381 --> 00:25:11,780
Do you want me to go deal with it?
672
00:25:11,782 --> 00:25:13,782
Nein, I'll go.
673
00:25:19,956 --> 00:25:21,990
Everything has to be re-monogrammed.
674
00:25:21,992 --> 00:25:24,459
The linens, all three china patterns,
675
00:25:24,461 --> 00:25:26,428
The silver set, the flatware.
676
00:25:26,430 --> 00:25:29,097
Oh, did you find any needy W families
677
00:25:29,099 --> 00:25:30,499
who would appreciate that stuff?
678
00:25:30,501 --> 00:25:31,900
I'd hate to just throw it all out.
679
00:25:31,902 --> 00:25:34,803
Not yet, but I am still looking.
680
00:25:34,805 --> 00:25:37,205
It's every bit as exciting
as you said, Brookey!
681
00:25:37,207 --> 00:25:38,273
I know!
682
00:25:38,275 --> 00:25:40,342
Confession... I always thought Weber
683
00:25:40,344 --> 00:25:42,210
was a little ho-hum, kitchen sink.
684
00:25:42,212 --> 00:25:45,047
That's because it was Americanized.
685
00:25:45,049 --> 00:25:46,381
Oh, just think.
686
00:25:46,383 --> 00:25:48,450
This baby will never have to live a day
687
00:25:48,452 --> 00:25:49,885
as a non-Von.
688
00:25:49,887 --> 00:25:50,886
Gay-men.
689
00:25:52,322 --> 00:25:54,656
Nicole, can you get that?
690
00:25:56,793 --> 00:25:58,093
The kids are doing great.
691
00:25:58,095 --> 00:26:00,896
Thank you for asking.
692
00:26:00,898 --> 00:26:02,497
Dude, you want Nicole
693
00:26:02,499 --> 00:26:04,533
to make you an espresso or a smoothie?
694
00:26:04,535 --> 00:26:06,568
No, no, I'm good. Thanks.
695
00:26:06,570 --> 00:26:08,970
It's not even 8:00.
It's like Grand Central here.
696
00:26:08,972 --> 00:26:11,173
I don't even notice anymore.
697
00:26:11,175 --> 00:26:12,407
What's going on?
698
00:26:12,409 --> 00:26:14,309
You need money?
699
00:26:14,311 --> 00:26:15,510
Jesus.
700
00:26:15,512 --> 00:26:19,314
Could you please not get
all dick-swingy on me?
701
00:26:19,316 --> 00:26:21,983
Even if I did need money,
I wouldn't ask you.
702
00:26:21,985 --> 00:26:23,018
Why not?
703
00:26:23,020 --> 00:26:24,352
I'd do anything for you.
704
00:26:24,354 --> 00:26:26,588
You know how much money
you've loaned me over the years?
705
00:26:26,590 --> 00:26:31,126
$6,300 for your dorm-brewed
beer business at Dartmouth,
706
00:26:31,128 --> 00:26:32,728
not to mention all the pro-bono legal help
707
00:26:32,730 --> 00:26:34,963
I gave you when that kid
nearly died drinking it.
708
00:26:34,965 --> 00:26:36,331
He was such a faker.
709
00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:37,999
He was on life support, Lex.
710
00:26:38,001 --> 00:26:39,801
For, like, a day.
711
00:26:39,803 --> 00:26:41,002
The rock.
712
00:26:41,004 --> 00:26:42,304
Let's see what you got.
713
00:26:42,306 --> 00:26:43,939
Splash.
714
00:26:43,941 --> 00:26:45,207
Nice shot.
715
00:26:45,209 --> 00:26:47,476
So are you guys actually
gonna do this Von thing?
716
00:26:47,478 --> 00:26:48,844
What's your problem with it?
717
00:26:48,846 --> 00:26:50,679
Splash.
718
00:26:50,681 --> 00:26:53,248
It just seems kind of douchey,
don't you think?
719
00:26:53,250 --> 00:26:55,417
It's our heritage.
720
00:26:55,419 --> 00:26:56,752
Look alive.
721
00:26:56,754 --> 00:26:58,019
Okay.
722
00:26:58,021 --> 00:26:59,020
Here we go.
723
00:27:01,324 --> 00:27:03,492
All right, well,
I've been working a lot lately.
724
00:27:03,494 --> 00:27:05,393
Just because some lackey at Ellis Island
725
00:27:05,395 --> 00:27:07,629
was too lazy to put the letters V-O-N
726
00:27:07,631 --> 00:27:09,030
on our ancestors' papers,
727
00:27:09,032 --> 00:27:11,399
why should our children
and our grandchildren
728
00:27:11,401 --> 00:27:14,102
be deprived of their cultural identity?
729
00:27:14,104 --> 00:27:16,738
Plus, it sounds badass.
730
00:27:21,110 --> 00:27:24,312
There is a fast-spreading wave
of overconsumption
731
00:27:24,314 --> 00:27:26,515
ignited by the nouveau riche
732
00:27:26,517 --> 00:27:29,851
and colored by our children
with a gilded confusion
733
00:27:29,853 --> 00:27:32,187
between mass and class.
734
00:27:32,189 --> 00:27:33,755
Let me get this straight.
735
00:27:33,757 --> 00:27:37,559
This is like a club for
descendants of Euro nobility?
736
00:27:37,561 --> 00:27:39,427
No portfolio can buy heritage.
737
00:27:39,429 --> 00:27:40,729
Brooke and Candace jumped
738
00:27:40,731 --> 00:27:42,531
at the chance to join, of course.
739
00:27:42,533 --> 00:27:44,132
Now they want me to experience it
740
00:27:44,134 --> 00:27:46,668
while we're considering Von-ification.
741
00:27:46,670 --> 00:27:47,936
Thank you for coming.
742
00:27:47,938 --> 00:27:49,437
Sometimes I just need a witness.
743
00:27:49,439 --> 00:27:51,740
Please, you had me
at "free food and open bar."
744
00:27:51,742 --> 00:27:56,742
And one can't buy
a transfusion of blue blood.
745
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,446
I'd rather eat my spleen.
746
00:27:58,448 --> 00:28:00,182
Let's go.
747
00:28:01,552 --> 00:28:04,119
Try the shrimp. It's amazing.
748
00:28:04,121 --> 00:28:05,854
Okay, I'm dying to hear about the new guy.
749
00:28:05,856 --> 00:28:07,022
What's his name, again?
750
00:28:07,024 --> 00:28:08,924
Timothy. We had drinks at The Standard.
751
00:28:08,926 --> 00:28:10,759
- Love.
- He's into bird watching.
752
00:28:10,761 --> 00:28:11,760
Weird.
753
00:28:11,762 --> 00:28:14,129
He's also a big baseball fanatic.
754
00:28:14,131 --> 00:28:15,597
- Snooze-a-roonie.
- Oh, and this is sad.
755
00:28:15,599 --> 00:28:17,532
His parents died
in a plane crash when he was 12.
756
00:28:17,534 --> 00:28:19,668
He's an orphan?
757
00:28:19,670 --> 00:28:21,236
Wait. That's fantastic!
758
00:28:21,238 --> 00:28:24,406
A guy without parents is a deal-maker.
759
00:28:24,408 --> 00:28:25,373
Marry that guy.
760
00:28:25,375 --> 00:28:26,675
Crack out the ketubah.
761
00:28:26,677 --> 00:28:28,343
I'm not getting married again.
762
00:28:28,345 --> 00:28:29,744
I might not even sleep with him.
763
00:28:29,746 --> 00:28:31,746
Maybe just dinner and a little hand stuff.
764
00:28:31,748 --> 00:28:33,348
Okay, yum.
765
00:28:33,350 --> 00:28:36,218
I'm totally reconsidering
this whole Von thing.
766
00:28:36,220 --> 00:28:37,586
You should do it.
767
00:28:37,588 --> 00:28:38,787
Candace, Brooke, and Lex
768
00:28:38,789 --> 00:28:41,056
would have a simultaneous
orgasm if we agreed.
769
00:28:41,058 --> 00:28:42,023
Hi, guys.
770
00:28:42,025 --> 00:28:43,058
Hi!
771
00:28:43,060 --> 00:28:44,793
Ugh, I have to pee again.
772
00:28:44,795 --> 00:28:47,896
God, I hate being pregnant.
I'm Chris Christie.
773
00:28:47,898 --> 00:28:50,498
How exciting is this, huh?
774
00:28:50,500 --> 00:28:54,736
Gianni del Bianco is the most
exclusive spa in Europe.
775
00:28:54,738 --> 00:28:56,538
Even I couldn't get an appointment
776
00:28:56,540 --> 00:28:58,206
in one of my last trips to Rome.
777
00:28:58,208 --> 00:28:59,774
That's an outrage.
778
00:28:59,776 --> 00:29:02,711
I hope you told the Pope.
779
00:29:02,713 --> 00:29:05,046
They're offering us... sorry, Vanessa...
780
00:29:05,048 --> 00:29:09,718
a day of beauty at their
first location in the States.
781
00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:11,653
Candace and I are booked for next Monday,
782
00:29:11,655 --> 00:29:12,854
and you are coming with.
783
00:29:12,856 --> 00:29:15,090
Oh, that's so nice.
784
00:29:15,092 --> 00:29:17,525
But I can't even think
about next Monday or anything
785
00:29:17,527 --> 00:29:20,028
until I get the twins' school
applications in the mail.
786
00:29:20,030 --> 00:29:22,163
Jill, you're not seriously putting
787
00:29:22,165 --> 00:29:23,865
your children's futures in the hands
788
00:29:23,867 --> 00:29:26,034
of the U.S. Postal Service, are you?
789
00:29:26,036 --> 00:29:29,304
Nicole is hand-delivering all
of Rutherford's applications,
790
00:29:29,306 --> 00:29:31,573
and I'd be happy to have
her do that for you.
791
00:29:31,575 --> 00:29:34,843
That's so sweet, but it's okay.
792
00:29:34,845 --> 00:29:36,745
I say this with love.
793
00:29:36,747 --> 00:29:38,346
But, um...
794
00:29:38,348 --> 00:29:42,117
you're starting to look a bit late-30s.
795
00:29:42,119 --> 00:29:43,351
Just from above the neck.
796
00:29:43,353 --> 00:29:44,953
Well, I'm 39.
797
00:29:44,955 --> 00:29:46,554
The neck too.
798
00:29:46,556 --> 00:29:48,523
You deserve some pampering.
799
00:29:48,525 --> 00:29:51,192
I'm gonna have Nicole call you, okay?
800
00:29:51,194 --> 00:29:53,194
Tootles.
801
00:29:53,196 --> 00:29:55,997
For Brooke, that was really nice.
802
00:29:55,999 --> 00:29:57,299
A little too nice.
803
00:29:57,301 --> 00:29:59,501
Why do I feel like Adrianna
from The Sopranos
804
00:29:59,503 --> 00:30:00,902
right before she got whacked?
805
00:30:00,904 --> 00:30:02,671
Well, if you don't go, I will.
806
00:30:02,673 --> 00:30:04,272
I've read about that stem-cell facial
807
00:30:04,274 --> 00:30:05,507
in the New York Times,
808
00:30:05,509 --> 00:30:06,708
and it sounds "ridic."
809
00:30:06,710 --> 00:30:10,145
- Ooh, it's Timothy.
810
00:30:10,147 --> 00:30:11,546
- Do you mind?
- Not at all.
811
00:30:11,548 --> 00:30:12,681
Lock that orphan down.
812
00:30:12,683 --> 00:30:14,482
You wouldn't have in-laws.
813
00:30:14,484 --> 00:30:15,984
Lock that Von down.
814
00:30:15,986 --> 00:30:18,753
I want to come back here
with a bigger purse.
815
00:30:22,625 --> 00:30:23,692
Hmm...
816
00:30:39,193 --> 00:30:42,449
Have not had coffee yet. Sorry in advance.
817
00:30:42,451 --> 00:30:45,552
So how was date three with the orphan?
818
00:30:45,954 --> 00:30:47,387
Are you engaged yet?
819
00:30:47,389 --> 00:30:49,455
Uh... maybe the opposite.
820
00:30:49,457 --> 00:30:52,125
We took a romantic trip to Bone Town,
821
00:30:52,127 --> 00:30:53,826
and I just woke up.
822
00:30:53,828 --> 00:30:54,861
Gone.
823
00:30:54,863 --> 00:30:55,828
He just left?
824
00:30:55,830 --> 00:30:58,498
- Who does that?
- Me, usually.
825
00:30:58,500 --> 00:31:00,466
I've thrown myself down trash chutes
826
00:31:00,468 --> 00:31:02,168
to avoid the morning after.
827
00:31:02,170 --> 00:31:03,136
What's up with you?
828
00:31:03,138 --> 00:31:04,404
Okay, it's D-Day.
829
00:31:04,406 --> 00:31:06,172
Kindergarten applications are due.
830
00:31:06,174 --> 00:31:07,940
And don't laugh,
831
00:31:07,942 --> 00:31:10,276
but I'm really torn about this Von thing.
832
00:31:10,278 --> 00:31:12,178
Brooke is sending one of her nannies over
833
00:31:12,180 --> 00:31:13,980
to pick up my applications any minute.
834
00:31:13,982 --> 00:31:15,581
- What do I do?
- What does Andy say?
835
00:31:15,583 --> 00:31:16,549
You know him.
836
00:31:16,551 --> 00:31:18,251
He just wants to please his family.
837
00:31:18,253 --> 00:31:20,586
He even printed out
another set of applications
838
00:31:20,588 --> 00:31:22,455
and filled them out with "Von Weber"
839
00:31:22,457 --> 00:31:24,090
to try to change my mind.
840
00:31:24,092 --> 00:31:25,491
But every time I reach for that pile,
841
00:31:25,493 --> 00:31:28,294
I feel like I'm joining the Aryan Nation.
842
00:31:28,296 --> 00:31:30,196
Who's crazy this time, them or me?
843
00:31:30,198 --> 00:31:31,631
Usually it's pretty clear-cut,
844
00:31:31,633 --> 00:31:34,734
but, oof, that raw bar
is clouding my judgment.
845
00:31:36,371 --> 00:31:37,603
That's weird.
846
00:31:37,605 --> 00:31:39,338
Jill, I'll call you back.
847
00:31:43,210 --> 00:31:44,343
Timothy!
848
00:31:44,345 --> 00:31:46,779
Hey, you.
849
00:31:46,781 --> 00:31:48,514
What's happening?
850
00:31:48,516 --> 00:31:49,715
I'm making us breakfast.
851
00:31:49,717 --> 00:31:51,017
What did you think was happening?
852
00:31:51,019 --> 00:31:54,020
I make a mean Spanish omelet.
853
00:31:54,022 --> 00:31:55,421
Wait. You didn't think I'd just take off
854
00:31:55,423 --> 00:31:57,156
without saying good-bye?
855
00:31:57,158 --> 00:31:59,725
I've heard that happens.
856
00:32:02,362 --> 00:32:04,330
Oh, do you have a 12-inch cast iron?
857
00:32:04,332 --> 00:32:06,399
Nonstick would work, but I like cast iron.
858
00:32:06,401 --> 00:32:07,800
Better flavor.
859
00:32:16,477 --> 00:32:20,246
Ahh! Oh, my God.
860
00:32:20,248 --> 00:32:23,382
So, Jill, what happened
this morning with Nicole?
861
00:32:23,384 --> 00:32:24,817
She said you had a conflict.
862
00:32:24,819 --> 00:32:25,818
Big-time.
863
00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:26,819
Identity...
864
00:32:26,821 --> 00:32:28,554
♪ crisis ♪
865
00:32:28,556 --> 00:32:31,090
Oh, my God, that feels so good.
866
00:32:31,092 --> 00:32:32,525
I'll spare you the details,
867
00:32:32,527 --> 00:32:35,495
but I schlepped both piles
of school applications up here,
868
00:32:35,497 --> 00:32:37,530
Von and non-Von,
869
00:32:37,532 --> 00:32:40,533
and I'm just gonna see
where the day takes me.
870
00:32:41,703 --> 00:32:43,202
Will you move in with me?
871
00:32:43,204 --> 00:32:45,238
If she doesn't show up at work tomorrow,
872
00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,173
she's chloroformed in my closet.
873
00:32:49,043 --> 00:32:52,378
Jill, you're funny!
874
00:32:52,380 --> 00:32:53,679
You're overthinking it.
875
00:32:53,681 --> 00:32:55,314
It's only a name.
876
00:32:55,316 --> 00:32:58,518
Well, a name that has already
opened up many doors.
877
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,120
I just got a table
at Danny Meyer's new taqueria,
878
00:33:01,122 --> 00:33:03,523
after weeks of trying with no success.
879
00:33:03,525 --> 00:33:06,392
My point is, this is just the beginning.
880
00:33:09,563 --> 00:33:11,030
Oh, my God.
881
00:33:11,032 --> 00:33:12,265
Jill!
882
00:33:12,267 --> 00:33:14,634
You look young enough
to still have your period.
883
00:33:14,636 --> 00:33:17,737
Oh, my, she does look radiant.
884
00:33:17,739 --> 00:33:20,873
I told you they're famous
for their stem-cell facials.
885
00:33:20,875 --> 00:33:22,775
It's illegal in most countries.
886
00:33:22,777 --> 00:33:24,343
Can I see?
887
00:33:29,984 --> 00:33:31,517
I'm terribly sorry to bother you,
888
00:33:31,519 --> 00:33:33,419
but there's a Nicole at the desk
889
00:33:33,421 --> 00:33:36,822
asking for a package
she's meant to pick up.
890
00:33:36,824 --> 00:33:38,591
Jill.
891
00:33:38,593 --> 00:33:40,760
Jill!
892
00:33:40,762 --> 00:33:42,528
Tell her...
893
00:33:42,530 --> 00:33:45,598
Jill Von Weber will be right there.
894
00:33:52,824 --> 00:33:54,258
Thanks again.
895
00:33:54,260 --> 00:33:57,928
That was the most action
that this kitchen's ever had.
896
00:33:57,930 --> 00:33:59,797
Oh.
897
00:34:02,334 --> 00:34:05,669
Is it bad that I want
to see you again really soon?
898
00:34:05,671 --> 00:34:08,606
- Like, how soon?
- I was thinking tonight.
899
00:34:08,608 --> 00:34:12,009
Oh, look at you with no intimacy issues.
900
00:34:12,011 --> 00:34:14,445
Sure. Text me later. I'll be at work.
901
00:34:16,348 --> 00:34:17,948
One more.
902
00:34:19,851 --> 00:34:22,019
Okay.
903
00:34:22,021 --> 00:34:23,587
One more.
904
00:34:23,589 --> 00:34:25,055
- Okay, but that's the last one.
- Mm-hmm.
905
00:34:25,057 --> 00:34:26,290
- For reals.
- Okay.
906
00:34:26,292 --> 00:34:28,058
I'm leaving.
907
00:34:29,227 --> 00:34:31,195
- Bye.
- Bye.
908
00:34:33,665 --> 00:34:37,234
To Jill becoming a Von.
909
00:34:37,236 --> 00:34:39,503
To Jill learning to luxuriate.
910
00:34:39,505 --> 00:34:42,473
To Nicole, who's delivering 14 applications
911
00:34:42,475 --> 00:34:44,175
while I beautify.
912
00:34:44,177 --> 00:34:46,277
Vons really do have more fun.
913
00:34:48,881 --> 00:34:50,080
So true.
914
00:34:50,082 --> 00:34:51,148
Hilarious.
915
00:34:51,150 --> 00:34:53,784
Jill, you're a hoot.
916
00:34:53,786 --> 00:34:56,654
Anyway, thank you so much for including me.
917
00:34:56,656 --> 00:34:58,455
This is really such a treat.
918
00:34:58,457 --> 00:35:00,324
We don't spend enough time together,
919
00:35:00,326 --> 00:35:01,859
the three of us.
920
00:35:01,861 --> 00:35:04,995
You know, the longer I live,
921
00:35:04,997 --> 00:35:08,999
the more I realize how important it is...
922
00:35:09,001 --> 00:35:10,768
to stay thin.
923
00:35:10,770 --> 00:35:11,735
Yeah.
924
00:35:11,737 --> 00:35:13,904
Oh, no bread!
925
00:35:13,906 --> 00:35:15,806
I'm sorry. I thought you had bread.
926
00:35:15,808 --> 00:35:17,007
Sorry.
927
00:35:17,009 --> 00:35:19,176
Anyway, I can't believe that I still have
928
00:35:19,178 --> 00:35:21,879
a hot-stone massage
to look forward to after lunch.
929
00:35:23,282 --> 00:35:24,548
What's going on?
930
00:35:24,550 --> 00:35:27,251
You are not getting a hot-stone massage.
931
00:35:27,253 --> 00:35:31,155
We got you a surprise treatment instead.
932
00:35:31,157 --> 00:35:32,690
Seriously?
933
00:35:32,692 --> 00:35:34,925
I don't like surprises
when I know they're coming.
934
00:35:34,927 --> 00:35:36,427
Don't worry.
935
00:35:36,429 --> 00:35:40,898
Just relax and savor your new identity.
936
00:35:40,900 --> 00:35:42,199
Okay.
937
00:35:42,201 --> 00:35:44,235
By the way, I just told Andy the news.
938
00:35:44,237 --> 00:35:45,569
I think he's in shock.
939
00:35:45,571 --> 00:35:48,372
Probably is.
940
00:35:51,743 --> 00:35:53,811
I love being married, but next time around,
941
00:35:53,813 --> 00:35:56,146
I'm definitely not changing my name.
942
00:35:56,148 --> 00:35:57,882
Talk later.
943
00:35:57,884 --> 00:35:59,516
I'm sorry.
944
00:35:59,518 --> 00:36:00,584
I couldn't help but overhear.
945
00:36:00,586 --> 00:36:02,853
I'm Andy, by the way.
946
00:36:02,855 --> 00:36:05,589
Curious, why the regrets
about changing your name?
947
00:36:05,591 --> 00:36:07,157
Oh, my God, don't get me started.
948
00:36:07,159 --> 00:36:08,626
Logistical nightmare.
949
00:36:08,628 --> 00:36:12,329
My credit cards, bills,
my passport, bank statements,
950
00:36:12,331 --> 00:36:15,065
Facebook account,
everything had to be changed.
951
00:36:15,067 --> 00:36:17,635
Just last week,
I couldn't get on to a flight
952
00:36:17,637 --> 00:36:19,069
because my airline tickets
953
00:36:19,071 --> 00:36:20,537
didn't match my driver's license.
954
00:36:20,539 --> 00:36:21,939
I went berserk.
955
00:36:21,941 --> 00:36:23,007
One of me is probably
956
00:36:23,009 --> 00:36:24,608
on a terrorist watch list by now.
957
00:36:24,610 --> 00:36:26,410
Ironically, I'm thinking
of changing my name.
958
00:36:26,412 --> 00:36:27,745
I was going to, but now...
959
00:36:27,747 --> 00:36:29,313
Oh, don't listen to me.
960
00:36:29,315 --> 00:36:31,015
You should totally go for it.
961
00:36:31,017 --> 00:36:32,516
Same-sex marriage is, like,
962
00:36:32,518 --> 00:36:34,551
the most important issue right now.
963
00:36:34,553 --> 00:36:36,520
Are you guys hyphenating
or doing a hybrid or...?
964
00:36:36,522 --> 00:36:37,755
Uh...
965
00:36:37,757 --> 00:36:38,822
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
966
00:36:38,824 --> 00:36:39,957
I just think it's so romantic
967
00:36:39,959 --> 00:36:41,191
to share a name with someone you love.
968
00:36:41,193 --> 00:36:42,293
Excuse me.
969
00:36:42,295 --> 00:36:44,361
Hi. this is Tamra Slutsky.
970
00:36:44,363 --> 00:36:46,830
Not as far as I know.
971
00:36:46,832 --> 00:36:48,732
Is it a Reiki treatment?
972
00:36:48,734 --> 00:36:50,067
Dead Sea salt scrub?
973
00:36:50,069 --> 00:36:53,137
Oh, is it a reading
by your psychic Ronaldo?
974
00:36:53,139 --> 00:36:56,140
Honestly, I'm a skeptic
dying to be converted.
975
00:36:56,142 --> 00:36:57,574
Tell her, Brooke.
976
00:36:57,576 --> 00:37:01,545
We thought it might be fun
to try out some new looks.
977
00:37:01,547 --> 00:37:03,948
Okay, what kind of new looks?
978
00:37:03,950 --> 00:37:05,916
Just a few minor tweaks here and there,
979
00:37:05,918 --> 00:37:08,552
starting with some caramel highlights.
980
00:37:08,554 --> 00:37:10,154
But I like my hair the way it is.
981
00:37:10,156 --> 00:37:13,257
Oh, trust us, Jill. You're very severe.
982
00:37:13,259 --> 00:37:15,993
You could be so much prettier
if you tried.
983
00:37:15,995 --> 00:37:17,962
Like, so much prettier.
984
00:37:17,964 --> 00:37:19,930
We just want to brighten up your look,
985
00:37:19,932 --> 00:37:21,065
introduce you to bronzer.
986
00:37:21,067 --> 00:37:22,099
Bronzer.
987
00:37:22,101 --> 00:37:23,334
Think softening.
988
00:37:23,336 --> 00:37:25,102
Think youth.
989
00:37:25,104 --> 00:37:26,637
Think blood in the veins.
990
00:37:26,639 --> 00:37:29,206
Thanks, but I think I'm gonna
stick with my own thing.
991
00:37:29,208 --> 00:37:32,309
Oh, sweetie, ever since the Hercules sale,
992
00:37:32,311 --> 00:37:34,712
our family is in the spotlight.
993
00:37:34,714 --> 00:37:35,746
Center stage.
994
00:37:35,748 --> 00:37:37,381
You're in the wings, of course,
995
00:37:37,383 --> 00:37:40,417
but if you can see them, they can see you.
996
00:37:40,419 --> 00:37:42,920
And we want you to look your best.
997
00:37:42,922 --> 00:37:44,521
You're a Von now.
998
00:37:44,523 --> 00:37:46,557
Own it.
999
00:37:46,559 --> 00:37:48,759
Okay.
1000
00:37:48,761 --> 00:37:50,060
Lucinda?
1001
00:37:58,437 --> 00:38:01,772
Highlights.
1002
00:38:01,774 --> 00:38:03,340
Pastels.
1003
00:38:03,342 --> 00:38:04,441
Ladylike.
1004
00:38:04,443 --> 00:38:05,642
The sky.
1005
00:38:05,644 --> 00:38:06,877
- Lavender
- Perfume.
1006
00:38:06,879 --> 00:38:07,911
Soft.
1007
00:38:07,913 --> 00:38:09,046
Nonthreatening.
1008
00:38:09,048 --> 00:38:11,448
Girly, golden retrievers.
1009
00:38:11,450 --> 00:38:12,483
No.
1010
00:38:12,485 --> 00:38:13,550
- Pretty.
- No.
1011
00:38:13,552 --> 00:38:15,085
Feminine.
1012
00:38:15,087 --> 00:38:16,286
Aah!
1013
00:38:16,288 --> 00:38:18,689
No, I... This isn't happening!
1014
00:38:18,691 --> 00:38:20,591
Jill, calm yourself.
1015
00:38:20,593 --> 00:38:22,760
Look, I know you mean well.
1016
00:38:22,762 --> 00:38:24,094
I'm pretty sure you mean well.
1017
00:38:24,096 --> 00:38:26,130
But this is who I am.
1018
00:38:26,132 --> 00:38:27,531
And if you'll excuse me,
1019
00:38:27,533 --> 00:38:31,468
I have 14 non-Von applications to deliver.
1020
00:38:51,956 --> 00:38:54,258
Hello. Hi. Wonderful to be here.
1021
00:38:54,260 --> 00:38:57,127
I specifically hand-delivered
these applications
1022
00:38:57,129 --> 00:38:59,797
'cause you're our first-choice school.
1023
00:38:59,799 --> 00:39:01,432
Save the boot-licking for my boss.
1024
00:39:01,434 --> 00:39:03,534
I'm just here to collect the applications.
1025
00:39:03,536 --> 00:39:05,502
Appreciate your honesty.
1026
00:39:05,504 --> 00:39:06,503
Cheers.
1027
00:39:06,505 --> 00:39:08,172
One down, 13 to go.
1028
00:39:12,077 --> 00:39:14,111
Aah!
1029
00:39:17,958 --> 00:39:21,391
I know your mom will never forgive us,
but are you furious with me?
1030
00:39:21,393 --> 00:39:23,093
Oh, I don't know.
1031
00:39:23,095 --> 00:39:24,894
I might be able to forgive you,
1032
00:39:24,896 --> 00:39:26,663
with a little persuasion.
1033
00:39:26,665 --> 00:39:28,164
Oh, really?
1034
00:39:28,166 --> 00:39:31,034
What kind of persuasion, my tall,
1035
00:39:31,036 --> 00:39:34,571
handsome, aristocratic husband?
1036
00:39:34,573 --> 00:39:36,573
This kind.
1037
00:39:36,575 --> 00:39:38,808
Mommy! I'm scared!
1038
00:39:38,810 --> 00:39:41,444
- What is wrong with him?
- He needs to grow a pair.
1039
00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:45,315
Mommy!
1040
00:39:45,317 --> 00:39:47,117
- Eff me hard.
- Oh!
1041
00:39:47,119 --> 00:39:48,618
That's what I was trying to do.
1042
00:39:48,620 --> 00:39:50,253
Coming, honey!
1043
00:39:52,857 --> 00:39:55,025
- Damn.
- Right?
1044
00:39:58,829 --> 00:40:00,930
Hey, where are you going?
1045
00:40:00,932 --> 00:40:02,265
Just the bathroom.
1046
00:40:02,267 --> 00:40:04,300
Oh, no, don't go.
1047
00:40:04,302 --> 00:40:07,804
Aw, you're cute.
1048
00:40:07,806 --> 00:40:09,606
Really, don't, okay?
1049
00:40:09,608 --> 00:40:10,640
Just, like, not yet.
1050
00:40:10,642 --> 00:40:11,641
Come back.
1051
00:40:11,643 --> 00:40:12,942
I will, in a sec.
1052
00:40:12,944 --> 00:40:14,778
I just have to pee
and take my contacts out.
1053
00:40:14,780 --> 00:40:16,246
You go to sleep. I'll be right back.
1054
00:40:16,248 --> 00:40:17,681
Okay, but, like, really hurry back
1055
00:40:17,683 --> 00:40:19,416
and don't even wash your hands.
1056
00:40:21,652 --> 00:40:24,954
Um, it's okay.
1057
00:40:24,956 --> 00:40:26,489
I can go later.
1058
00:40:26,491 --> 00:40:29,292
Yeah, yeah.
1059
00:40:29,294 --> 00:40:30,927
Yes, yeah, come here.
1060
00:40:30,929 --> 00:40:32,028
- Okay.
- Come back.
1061
00:40:32,030 --> 00:40:33,096
- Come back.
- Oh.
1062
00:40:33,098 --> 00:40:34,497
- Okay.
- Oh.
1063
00:40:34,499 --> 00:40:36,800
- Okay.
- Okay.
1064
00:40:36,802 --> 00:40:39,302
Well...
1065
00:40:39,304 --> 00:40:40,837
This is comfortable.
1066
00:40:42,606 --> 00:40:44,741
Hey, your timing is perfect.
1067
00:40:44,743 --> 00:40:46,543
I just got him to sleep.
1068
00:40:46,545 --> 00:40:48,311
Oh, me too.
1069
00:40:48,313 --> 00:40:51,247
So here's the thing
about this particular orphan.
1070
00:40:51,249 --> 00:40:53,483
He has abandonment issues,
which would be fine
1071
00:40:53,485 --> 00:40:55,552
if I didn't have intimacy issues.
1072
00:40:55,554 --> 00:40:57,454
Define "abandonment issues."
1073
00:40:57,456 --> 00:40:59,255
Um, he cried when I said
1074
00:40:59,257 --> 00:41:01,091
I couldn't see him tomorrow night.
1075
00:41:01,093 --> 00:41:03,059
Okay, yeah, bye-bye.
1076
00:41:03,061 --> 00:41:06,129
Oh, so that selfie you sent
after your day of beauty
1077
00:41:06,131 --> 00:41:07,731
was insane.
1078
00:41:07,733 --> 00:41:09,899
Your skin looked so young.
1079
00:41:09,901 --> 00:41:11,468
I had to hate you for a second.
1080
00:41:11,470 --> 00:41:14,437
Thanks, honey,
but it's not happening again.
1081
00:41:14,439 --> 00:41:15,972
My in-laws might disown me
1082
00:41:15,974 --> 00:41:17,907
for rejecting their stupid heritage.
1083
00:41:18,977 --> 00:41:21,277
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
1084
00:41:21,279 --> 00:41:24,013
Good night, Miles.
1085
00:41:24,015 --> 00:41:26,349
Good night, stem-cell facials.
1086
00:41:27,853 --> 00:41:30,386
Good night, Candace thinking I'm a hoot.
1087
00:41:30,388 --> 00:41:32,856
Good night, Spanish omelets.
1088
00:41:32,858 --> 00:41:35,625
Good night, best sex
I've had since Labor Day.
1089
00:41:35,627 --> 00:41:37,093
No.
1090
00:41:37,095 --> 00:41:39,095
Oh, God. He's having a nightmare.
1091
00:41:39,097 --> 00:41:40,196
I got to go.
1092
00:41:41,566 --> 00:41:42,799
I was at the store.
1093
00:41:42,801 --> 00:41:44,667
Good night, I love you.
1094
00:41:44,669 --> 00:41:47,036
No...
1095
00:41:47,038 --> 00:41:48,304
I haven't seen him.
1096
00:41:48,306 --> 00:41:49,506
Okay, he's gone.
1097
00:41:49,508 --> 00:41:50,840
No...
1098
00:42:03,088 --> 00:42:05,188
Hello. I'm wondering if, by chance,
1099
00:42:05,190 --> 00:42:08,358
you have a table for two tonight at 8:00?
1100
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:09,826
Yeah, I figured.
1101
00:42:09,828 --> 00:42:12,693
Thanks, anyway, and congrats
on the great review...
1102
00:42:21,099 --> 00:42:24,068
Yes, hello. I'm calling
on behalf of Madam Von Weber.
1103
00:42:24,070 --> 00:42:26,224
I know it's terribly last-minute,
1104
00:42:26,226 --> 00:42:30,656
but I want to see if perhaps you might have
a table for two available tonight at 8:00?
1105
00:42:32,128 --> 00:42:34,128
You can accommodate her.
1106
00:42:34,437 --> 00:42:36,763
Brilliant. She'll be thrilled.
1107
00:42:36,765 --> 00:42:39,156
Many thanks.
That's wonderful news.
1108
00:42:39,158 --> 00:42:42,000
sync and correction by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
75729
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