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[Pomp & Circumstanceplays]
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00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:51,268
[microphone feedback]
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00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:54,097
There is one
graduate here today
4
00:00:54,228 --> 00:00:57,666
that has won every single honor
5
00:00:57,796 --> 00:01:00,451
and award this school gives out.
6
00:01:00,582 --> 00:01:04,238
That graduate...[laughs]
7
00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:09,069
- ...our friend, is Van Wilder.
- [cheering]
8
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:24,258
[cheering stops]
9
00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:28,175
Standing here today,
10
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:32,309
I cannot help but wish I could
stay in high school forever.
11
00:01:33,484 --> 00:01:36,357
I mean, there are
so many warm mammories...
12
00:01:38,359 --> 00:01:42,145
...memories,
I have of this place.
13
00:01:43,233 --> 00:01:46,802
But you see change,
like life,
14
00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:50,501
has a way
of sneaking up on us...
15
00:01:56,377 --> 00:02:01,338
...when we least
expect it. Yeah. Huh.
16
00:02:02,513 --> 00:02:07,562
Sure, the timing may
seem very, very bad...
17
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:12,132
...but yet it feels good,
18
00:02:12,871 --> 00:02:15,178
oh, so good,
19
00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:19,313
to be graduating with
some of the sharpest minds
20
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:22,881
and swiftly darting tongues
21
00:02:23,012 --> 00:02:25,536
that this school
has to offer.[laughs]
22
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:30,062
Listen to me ramble. I am
really giving you a mouthful.
23
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:34,502
But before I'm finished,
it is my extreme pleasure
24
00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:40,638
to recognize someone
who has aced her oral exams,
25
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:44,773
who has always
been head of the class,
26
00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:50,300
graduating summa cum...
27
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:53,303
[whimpering]
28
00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:55,044
Hm!
29
00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,265
...laude.
30
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:03,487
- Our very own valedictorian.
- [cheering]
31
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:16,108
Congratulations,
graduates!
32
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,981
[cheering]
33
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:25,074
- Congratulations, son.
- Thanks.
34
00:03:25,553 --> 00:03:27,598
Let's get outta here.
The sooner we get to Amsterdam,
35
00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:31,080
- the sooner we won't
be able to remember it.
- Yeah.
36
00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:37,478
- You're not going to Amsterdam.
- I can't.
37
00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:40,220
Sheik Mohammad is building
an island outside of Dubai.
38
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:43,571
I'm gonna help him import
a million tons of sand.
39
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:48,271
This is a huge opportunity,
Van. C'mon. You're gonna have
a great time without me.
40
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,841
Exploring nether regions
in the Netherlands
is not a bad way
41
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:54,538
to spend your summer
before college.
42
00:03:54,669 --> 00:03:57,498
I don't know why
I can't just skip college
and come work for you.
43
00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,978
- I mean, I know the business,
we could hang out...
- Van.
44
00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:04,244
Every Wilder man
has graduated from Coolidge.
It's tradition.
45
00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:07,377
And tradition is something
you just don't break.
46
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,379
I gotta run.
47
00:04:09,510 --> 00:04:11,033
Have a great time,
do everything I wouldn't do
48
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:14,950
- and remember:
Banging, broke or blitzed...
- A Wilder never quits.
49
00:04:16,212 --> 00:04:18,649
- Write that down.
- [♪ The Offspring:
You're Gonna Go Far, Kid]
50
00:04:18,780 --> 00:04:21,739
♪ Show me how to lie
You're getting
better all the time ♪
51
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:25,874
♪ And turning all
against the one is an
art that's hard to teach ♪
52
00:04:26,004 --> 00:04:27,702
♪ Now dance, fucker
Dance, man ♪
53
00:04:27,832 --> 00:04:31,140
♪ He never had a chance
And no one even knew ♪
54
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,098
♪ It was really only you ♪
55
00:04:33,229 --> 00:04:36,188
♪ And now you steal away ♪
56
00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:40,105
♪ Take him out today ♪
57
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:43,848
♪ Nice work you did ♪
58
00:04:43,979 --> 00:04:48,157
♪ You're gonna go far, kid ♪
59
00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:52,422
♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪
60
00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:56,121
♪ Hit 'em right
between the eyes, hit 'em
right between the eyes ♪
61
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:59,908
♪ When you walk away
Nothing more to say ♪
62
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:05,261
♪ See the lightning
in your eyes, see 'em
running for their lives ♪
63
00:05:06,393 --> 00:05:09,134
♪ Slowly out of line
and drifting closer
in your sights ♪
64
00:05:09,265 --> 00:05:13,443
♪ So play it out
I'm wide awake
It's a scene about me ♪
65
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:16,620
♪ There's something
in your way
and now someone is gonna pay ♪
66
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:18,927
♪ And if you can't get
what you want ♪
67
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,016
♪ Well, it's all
because of me ♪
68
00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:24,367
♪ Now dance, fucker, dance
Man, I never had a chance ♪
69
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:28,371
♪ And no one even knew
It was really only you ♪
70
00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:31,374
♪ And now you'll lead the way ♪
71
00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:35,160
♪ Show the light of day ♪
72
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:38,947
♪ Nice work you did ♪
73
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:42,037
♪ You're gonna go far, kid ♪
74
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,778
♪ Trust, deceived ♪
75
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:47,216
♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪
76
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:51,133
♪ Hit 'em right between
the eyes, hit 'em right
between the eyes ♪
77
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:55,006
♪ When you walk away
Nothing more to say ♪
78
00:05:55,137 --> 00:06:00,664
♪ See the lightning in your
eyes, see 'em running
for their lives ♪
79
00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:17,289
♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪
80
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:21,598
- ♪ Hit 'em right... ♪
- Well, well.
Look who just arrived.
81
00:06:21,729 --> 00:06:25,036
♪ Walk away
Nothing more to say ♪
82
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:30,128
♪ See the lightning
in your eyes, see 'em
running for their lives ♪
83
00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:36,308
Van, do you have to go
back to the college?
84
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:39,137
Come back
to Amsterdam with us.
85
00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:44,621
Dulia, Babette,
I'm sorry ladies, but I must.
86
00:06:46,275 --> 00:06:48,103
♪ Now dance, fucker, dance ♪
87
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:50,018
♪ He never had a chance ♪
88
00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:53,413
♪ And no one even knew
It was really only you ♪
89
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,937
♪ So dance, fucker, dance ♪
90
00:06:56,285 --> 00:06:58,722
I've been waiting
30 years for this.
91
00:07:01,072 --> 00:07:05,076
♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪
92
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:08,863
♪ Hit 'em right between
the eyes, hit 'em right
between the eyes ♪
93
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:12,606
♪ When you walk away
Nothing more to say ♪
94
00:07:12,736 --> 00:07:17,437
♪ See the lightning
in your eyes, see 'em
running for their lives ♪♪
95
00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:20,744
It's a little small,
but I can work with it.
96
00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:36,412
Van Wilder.
I'm your new roommate.
97
00:07:38,066 --> 00:07:39,546
All right.
98
00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:41,199
Farley.
99
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,116
Smoke?
100
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:49,991
[Farley] Man, am I glad
we are roommates, man!
101
00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:52,863
This place
is a pimper's paradise.
102
00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:57,041
I'm gonna make some
of my special brownies.
103
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,869
[♪ Roz Bell: Papercut]
104
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,611
♪ I don't want to hear ♪
105
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:05,354
♪ Unless that thing you say ♪
106
00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:10,228
♪ Is how you need me here,
Oh! ♪
107
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:13,884
♪ I know I've rolled around ♪
108
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:16,670
♪ I didn't treat you right ♪
109
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,280
[knock on door]
110
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:24,591
[gasps] My God, we've been
invaded by Supercuts!
111
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:27,942
- Lt. Dirk Arnold, ROTC.
- Corporal Benedict...
112
00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:32,468
- Oh! ROTC.
- Van Wilder, WTF.
113
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:36,341
The Honorable Dean
Charles Reardon requests
your presence immediately.
114
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,474
But I just put my slippers on.
115
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:45,873
Van Wilder, sir,
as you ordered.
116
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,265
Return to your squad.
117
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:52,836
Well, well, Mr. Wilder,
nice of you to join us.
118
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:55,752
Colonel Charles Reardon,
dean, Coolidge College.
119
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:57,493
How's it hanging, Chuck?
120
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,495
You see these fine,
young men, Wilder?
121
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,279
These are Reardon's Raiders.
122
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:04,500
They've won every ROTC war game
for the past three years.
123
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:10,158
- They're my pride and joy.
- Good doggies.
124
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:12,682
I especially
like your Chihuahua.
125
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:17,426
Lady Liberty is a
purebred Italian greyhound.
126
00:09:17,905 --> 00:09:20,211
Actually, I was
talkin' about that guy.
127
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:22,910
Arnold!
128
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,913
Secure Lady Liberty.
129
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,698
Let's you and me
take a little ride, son.
130
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:33,834
Stay!
131
00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:37,664
- Good dog.
- Get the lead out, Wilder!
132
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,191
[Reardon] I went to school
here with your father.
133
00:09:43,321 --> 00:09:45,976
He acted like
he owned the place,
just 'cause his family's name
134
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:49,589
was on that
building over there. You know
what that name means to me?
135
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,765
About as much
as titties on a mule, son.
136
00:09:51,895 --> 00:09:54,115
I run this outfit now,
and while you're here,
137
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:56,117
you'll follow
Reardon's rules.
138
00:09:56,987 --> 00:10:00,512
No drinking, no fornicating
and no partying, period.
139
00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:04,821
Or you'll be the first
Wilder who fails
to graduate from Coolidge.
140
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:07,563
- Now, do you follow me?
- Yes, sir!
141
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:10,174
You prefer your
mules tit-less!
142
00:10:10,566 --> 00:10:12,437
[brakes squeal]
143
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:13,874
Let's get one thing straight.
144
00:10:14,004 --> 00:10:15,310
I may not be able to
kick you outta here
145
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,094
'cause of your daddy's dough,
146
00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:21,664
but you screw with me and I'll
make it so you'll pray to leave.
147
00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,274
Out!
148
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:26,930
I'm glad we had this talk.
149
00:10:27,061 --> 00:10:28,932
Means there won't be
any problems in the future.
150
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,763
Party tonight,
party tonight.
151
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:36,766
Party tonight,
party tonight, thank you.
152
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:41,641
You smell that, Farley? [sniffs]
That's the smell of opportunity.
153
00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:45,122
The smell of thousands
of new girls, the...
154
00:10:45,253 --> 00:10:49,344
Hello! Van Wilder,
chairman of freshman relations,
self-appointed.
155
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:52,956
- This is my partner,
Farley Marley.
- Jah rastafari.
156
00:10:53,304 --> 00:10:56,177
- He's from Jamaica.
- Right.
157
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,570
We're having a little
room-warming soirée,
nothing big,
158
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,182
a few hundred friends,
foam machine,
nitrous Frappuccino.
159
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:04,359
- We would love it
if you ladies came.
- A party?
160
00:11:04,489 --> 00:11:06,578
You're joking, right?
161
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,890
No!
162
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,373
It's OK.
163
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,724
[snoring]
164
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:25,380
Wow. This is embarrassing.
165
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,165
I can't believe
nobody showed up.
166
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,952
- [knock on door]
- Well, it's about time.
167
00:11:36,434 --> 00:11:38,132
Party?
168
00:11:40,874 --> 00:11:43,180
[down-tempo rock music plays]
169
00:11:43,311 --> 00:11:47,707
So, Yu Dum Fok.
You came all the way
here from China?
170
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:53,190
Yes. Village I grow up in
boring as shit. No party.
171
00:11:53,321 --> 00:11:58,326
I dream of a beer bong,
bimbos and boob on my butt.
172
00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:02,112
So I work in sweatshop,
save money, come here.
173
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:05,768
Cannot even afford room.
Have to sleep in janitor closet.
174
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:10,512
That's one of the most
beautiful things I've
ever heard, Yu Dum Fok.
175
00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:15,691
No offense to your ancestors,
but maybe we'll just
call you Yu, Yu.
176
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:19,564
Van, how come no hot
young American cat?
177
00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:22,480
Coolidge is number one
party school!
178
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:26,441
1979. Wow!
179
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,400
Girls used to have hair?
180
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:35,711
I hate to break it
to you, Yu,
181
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:38,148
but I don't think
that's the case anymore.
182
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:41,064
No party?
183
00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:43,893
No beer bong?
184
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:48,593
- No boob on butt?
- No.
185
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:51,422
I go to janitor closet now.
Drink breach.
186
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:55,949
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Forget the breach.
187
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:02,433
Boys, it's toga time.
188
00:13:02,564 --> 00:13:06,524
[rock music plays]
189
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:34,509
- Friends, Romans, grunting
women, lend me your beers.
- [record scratches]
190
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:37,599
[choral music plays]
191
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:04,844
Welcome.
192
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:10,545
- Nice jugs.
- They contain
the sacred blood of the lamb.
193
00:14:10,675 --> 00:14:15,942
- Do you wish to be purified?
- We here for boob on butt.
194
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:19,380
Actually, I think
we're lost.
195
00:14:20,381 --> 00:14:24,515
Come with me. My sisters
will take care of your friends.
196
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:27,040
- [indistinct chatter]
- I'm not sure if you're aware,
197
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,564
but in the past few years,
Coolidge has become
198
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:34,612
a more religious
and conservative campus
than it used to be.
199
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,355
I'd better take these.
200
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:43,665
Alcohol is the
devil's mouthwash.
At Coolidge, we're dry.
201
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:48,148
You know, science has made
incredible advancements
in personal lubrication.
202
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:51,542
You won't be
needing these, either.
203
00:14:51,934 --> 00:14:53,675
Orgasms are
the devil's heroin.
204
00:14:53,805 --> 00:14:57,635
- Just once and you're hooked.
- Hm.
205
00:14:58,462 --> 00:15:00,856
Oh, daughters of Jerusalem,
206
00:15:01,378 --> 00:15:04,338
do not awaken love
until it is ready.
207
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:08,733
- [women] Amen.
- Song of Solomon, 8:4.
208
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,346
Let she who is without sin
209
00:15:12,476 --> 00:15:17,307
- grasp the first bone.
- [women laugh]
210
00:15:17,438 --> 00:15:19,570
Wilder, 69.
211
00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:25,663
Perhaps you and your
friends should look
into a different school.
212
00:15:25,794 --> 00:15:29,537
- We have enough sinners.
- You wouldn't happen to have
their phone numbers, would you?
213
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,888
You have a very impure spirit.
214
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:38,894
There's a dark, wretched
hole waiting for you.
215
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:42,419
OK, but you have to
buy me a drink first.
216
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:45,118
I think that can be arranged.
217
00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:48,034
[Van] Now I know what
a tampon feels like.
218
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:52,473
This is a complete fuckery,
you know, man.
219
00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:55,084
No poon-poon, no ganja,
220
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:58,435
vampires for Jesus
throwing blood at us?
221
00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:01,569
I can't take four years
of this bullshit.
222
00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:03,005
We drink breach, get sent home.
223
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:06,182
Hey! No one's
drinking breach!
224
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:10,360
- And no one's goin' home.
- So, what did you have in mind?
225
00:16:12,623 --> 00:16:15,757
- [indistinct chatter, laughter]
- [washing machine whirring]
226
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,804
We shake things up a bit.
227
00:16:21,502 --> 00:16:26,028
- [buzzing]
- [woman moaning]
228
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:33,427
- Oh, yeah!
- Why don't we just buy some?
229
00:16:33,557 --> 00:16:36,299
- [woman] Oh, Lordy!
- Where's the fun in that?
230
00:16:36,430 --> 00:16:41,130
- [dance music plays]
- This almost as good
as boob on butt.
231
00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:53,099
[moaning]
232
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:08,636
[mooing]
233
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,768
[chittering]
234
00:17:18,646 --> 00:17:19,777
[yelps]
235
00:17:36,185 --> 00:17:37,882
[moaning]
236
00:17:47,631 --> 00:17:50,156
Say hello to my little friend.
237
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,507
[imitating gun]
238
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,161
[buzzing]
239
00:17:57,815 --> 00:18:00,340
[both scream]
240
00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:04,300
- Shh!
- [buzzing]
241
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,738
Sorry.
242
00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:10,915
Don't forget to floss.
243
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:19,054
Hi, Dirk.
How's that big gun of yours?
244
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:22,013
- Hey, honeybear.
- Hey, honeybear!
245
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:24,842
Kaitlin.
So nice you could make it.
246
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:28,019
We missed you
in bible study... again.
247
00:18:28,150 --> 00:18:31,371
- Hymnal?
- [Van] Whoa!
248
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:34,200
Nice arm, Jezebel.
249
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,202
- I believe this is yours.
- Thanks.
250
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:40,902
Van Wilder.
Hopeless romantic.
251
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:45,298
- Kaitlin Hayes.
- My girlfriend.
252
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,562
It's nice to see
there are some Christians
who still do charity work.
253
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:51,086
[laughs]
254
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:55,351
- C'mon, Kaitlin, let's go.
- Yeah!
255
00:18:55,482 --> 00:18:58,224
Before all
the good seats are taken!
256
00:18:58,746 --> 00:19:01,270
No, thanks.
I brought my own.
257
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:04,708
[woman] Thank you.
258
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:06,580
Today I wanna talk
about something
259
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:08,582
that's all over this school,
260
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:12,977
and it isn't pencils, no,
and it isn't books.
261
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:18,026
But it's sin. S-I-N: Sin.
262
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,464
You know, it seems
like they'll let just about
anybody in school these days,
263
00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:24,293
except Jesus.
264
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:27,601
And, you know, I took the time
to check Jesus' transcripts,
265
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:32,083
and I found out that
Jesus has a perfect GPA.
266
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:34,260
Yeah, that stands
for God Point Average.
267
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:39,613
- [laughter]
- [preacher] Amen, amen.
268
00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:41,658
[all] Amen.
269
00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:46,489
But what is the number-one sin
on campus today?
270
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:50,232
Quite plainly, it's sex.
271
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:54,367
- Sex. Sex.
- S-E-X: Sex.
272
00:19:54,497 --> 00:19:57,805
Even as we're speaking,
the sinnin' is beginnin'.
273
00:19:57,935 --> 00:20:00,329
- Amen.
- [all] Amen.
274
00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:02,462
- [preacher] Amen, sisters.
- Gentlemen.
275
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:06,292
The Lord is about to work
in very mysterious ways.
276
00:20:06,422 --> 00:20:10,121
[preacher] That's right,
sisters. I want you
to feel the Lord inside ya.
277
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:14,778
- [up-tempo music plays]
- Because fornication,
copulation,
278
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:17,346
- and the king of all sins,
masturbation...
- [buzzing]
279
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:21,611
...is happening all around us,
even at this very moment.
280
00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:24,701
- Amen!
- [all] Amen!
281
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:27,051
But we've got a secret,
282
00:20:27,661 --> 00:20:30,011
because we've
got Jesus on our side.
283
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:33,057
- [moaning]
- Can I get an amen?
284
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:35,495
- [all] Amen!
- [preacher] Amen, sisters!
285
00:20:35,625 --> 00:20:37,497
- Yes, they're
feelin' it right now!
- Ooh!
286
00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:40,543
They got the power of the Lord,
deep down inside 'em!
287
00:20:40,674 --> 00:20:44,373
- [all] Amen!
- Hallelujah, sister!
288
00:20:44,504 --> 00:20:47,071
- Hallelujah!
- [all] Hallelujah!
289
00:20:47,202 --> 00:20:48,725
- [buzzing]
- [moaning]
290
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,945
[preacher] I want each of you
out there to pray.
291
00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:54,209
Pray that you might be feelin'
what they're feelin'.
292
00:20:54,340 --> 00:20:57,691
- [all] Amen!
- They're talkin'
to the big guy.
293
00:20:57,821 --> 00:21:01,738
- Amen!
- [preacher] The sisters are
feelin' mighty good right now.
294
00:21:01,869 --> 00:21:04,350
[all shouting]
295
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,395
It's time for
some tits and mass.
296
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:10,573
[all moaning]
297
00:21:10,704 --> 00:21:12,575
- Amen!
- Amen!
298
00:21:14,229 --> 00:21:16,449
Amen, sisters!
That's what I'm talkin' about!
299
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,538
[women] Amen!
300
00:21:18,668 --> 00:21:21,497
You might as well open up
your pearly gates, dear Lord,
301
00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:24,935
'cause these sisters are comin'!
These sisters are comin'!
302
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:27,373
These sisters are comin'!
303
00:21:27,503 --> 00:21:28,591
[all] Amen!
304
00:21:28,722 --> 00:21:30,332
[vibrator moos]
305
00:21:30,463 --> 00:21:35,381
- You know what these are?
- Yes, sir.
306
00:21:36,425 --> 00:21:39,776
And I think experimentation
is healthy for any marriage.
307
00:21:39,907 --> 00:21:42,126
You listen to me, funny man.
308
00:21:42,257 --> 00:21:44,868
I can't prove it,
but I know it was you.
309
00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:48,350
And, you can rest assured, I
will get to the bottom of this.
310
00:21:48,481 --> 00:21:52,267
In this case, Chuck,
may I recommend some Vaseline.
311
00:21:55,139 --> 00:22:00,449
You know, nowadays,
the dean has much
more... influence
312
00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:02,495
over a student's curriculum.
313
00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:06,847
And I have got something
special in store for you.
314
00:22:06,977 --> 00:22:11,504
Something to build character.
Something to make you a man.
315
00:22:11,634 --> 00:22:16,204
[men chanting] Left! Left! Left!
316
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:20,251
I'm gonna take a stab in
the dark and say that none of
you signed up for this either.
317
00:22:24,604 --> 00:22:30,131
Well, if they think that
we came to college to waste
our time playing soldier
318
00:22:30,261 --> 00:22:33,308
to some slack-jawed,
pituitary-pumping,
319
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:37,051
testosterone-tweaking
Neanderthal, then they...
320
00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:43,013
...are 100 percent correct.
321
00:22:43,144 --> 00:22:46,887
[Kaitlin] Atten-hut!
Straight line! Eyes forward!
322
00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:51,065
I'm Corporal Hayes.
I will be your drill instructor.
323
00:22:51,195 --> 00:22:55,025
It's my job to guide you
through your ROTC
physical training,
324
00:22:55,156 --> 00:22:58,594
which is required to graduate
from this institution.
325
00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:00,596
Are there any questions?
326
00:23:02,424 --> 00:23:05,775
- Yes, soldier.
- Do you, by chance,
327
00:23:05,906 --> 00:23:09,997
- drill in private?
- Well, Mr. Wilder,
if you'd like,
328
00:23:10,127 --> 00:23:13,261
I'm sure I can arrange
for us to spend a little
one-on-one time together.
329
00:23:15,481 --> 00:23:17,439
[Kaitlin] This
a new experience for you?
330
00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:22,444
Yeah.
I usually go electric.
331
00:23:22,575 --> 00:23:24,577
Helps get those
hard-to-reach spots.
332
00:23:26,622 --> 00:23:29,799
Hilarious. I've met
guys like you before.
333
00:23:29,930 --> 00:23:32,193
The only person
you care about is yourself.
334
00:23:33,586 --> 00:23:36,371
- Something funny?
- Yeah.
335
00:23:37,241 --> 00:23:39,200
I just can't wait
to prove you wrong.
336
00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:44,161
We'll see. Oh, and by the way,
you missed a spot.
337
00:23:45,511 --> 00:23:46,425
Enjoy.
338
00:23:48,818 --> 00:23:49,732
[gags]
339
00:23:56,522 --> 00:24:00,177
I'm sorry.
I ordered mine well-done.
340
00:24:03,224 --> 00:24:05,269
I have better food
in sweatshop.
341
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,881
Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu.
342
00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:22,461
What? I had the munchies.
343
00:24:22,591 --> 00:24:24,463
Well, look what we have here.
344
00:24:25,420 --> 00:24:26,769
I haven't seen this many turds
345
00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:29,119
since I won that campus
hot dog eating contest.
346
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:32,427
- [laughter]
- Yeah, I haven't
seen this many pansies
347
00:24:32,558 --> 00:24:35,561
since I was picking
flowers yesterday. [laughs]
348
00:24:35,996 --> 00:24:38,172
Remember, I was making that
arrangement, and the...
349
00:24:38,651 --> 00:24:40,696
So how's the chow, ladies?
350
00:24:40,827 --> 00:24:44,439
I give the presentation
three stars, I really do.
351
00:24:44,570 --> 00:24:47,137
But the pseudo-meat,
it's a little dry.
352
00:24:47,268 --> 00:24:49,705
Oh. [snorting]
353
00:24:52,752 --> 00:24:56,495
[snorting]
354
00:25:03,284 --> 00:25:05,242
There ya go. All better.
355
00:25:05,373 --> 00:25:08,115
- Yum, yum, yum.
- [laughing]
356
00:25:08,245 --> 00:25:10,030
[laughing]
357
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,598
You know, I heard they were
looking for a few good men,
358
00:25:12,728 --> 00:25:15,514
but I guess they'll take
whatever they can get.
359
00:25:18,212 --> 00:25:22,129
- [Kaitlin] Hey, Dirk!
- Kaitlin! Hey, honeybear, hi!
360
00:25:22,259 --> 00:25:24,827
- Mm!
- What are you boys up to?
361
00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:27,961
Well, we were just
congratulating these
fine young soldiers
362
00:25:28,091 --> 00:25:31,355
here on their first day
of duty. You know me:
Lieutenant Friendly.
363
00:25:32,618 --> 00:25:35,316
Lieutenant Friendly
here even volunteered
to switch meals with me.
364
00:25:35,446 --> 00:25:37,666
Oh, what a nice guy!
365
00:25:45,065 --> 00:25:49,678
Mm! Yum, yum.
That is so good.
366
00:25:51,027 --> 00:25:52,551
How's yours, Dirk?
367
00:25:59,732 --> 00:26:01,211
Oh, God.
368
00:26:08,915 --> 00:26:11,744
Mm... Oh.
369
00:26:11,874 --> 00:26:13,310
Well? How was it?
370
00:26:18,098 --> 00:26:19,403
Always leading by example.
371
00:26:21,754 --> 00:26:25,366
- So are we still
going to the game?
- Oh, I...
372
00:26:25,496 --> 00:26:28,935
You bet we are! What game?
373
00:26:29,065 --> 00:26:31,677
- There's a football game
this weekend.
- Really?!
374
00:26:31,807 --> 00:26:33,896
These losers haven't
won a game in years.
375
00:26:34,505 --> 00:26:37,030
It's not about winning
or losing. It's about
supporting your school.
376
00:26:38,074 --> 00:26:40,686
You know what? You are so
right, babe! School spirit.
377
00:26:40,816 --> 00:26:43,036
- Well, I'm gonna
get back to class.
- OK.
378
00:26:43,166 --> 00:26:44,515
Bye!
379
00:26:45,386 --> 00:26:46,387
All right,
guess what, queer-bait?
380
00:26:46,517 --> 00:26:48,476
You're officially
on my bad side.
381
00:26:52,175 --> 00:26:54,177
[laughing]
382
00:26:54,308 --> 00:26:58,399
- [grunting]
- [booing]
383
00:27:01,097 --> 00:27:01,968
The team's a joke,
384
00:27:03,491 --> 00:27:04,623
but the concessions will
probably buy me a new Humvee.
385
00:27:04,753 --> 00:27:06,842
- [laughs]
- [whistle blows]
386
00:27:10,759 --> 00:27:13,893
I take bigger hits than
these guys for breakfast.
387
00:27:14,589 --> 00:27:15,982
Naw, it's not
the team's fault.
388
00:27:16,112 --> 00:27:19,855
- You guys, come on!
- They've got no inspiration.
389
00:27:19,986 --> 00:27:23,032
[PA] Looks like the
cheerleaders are asking
for divine intervention.
390
00:27:23,163 --> 00:27:27,471
- [Van] I'll be right back.
- Where you going, man?
391
00:27:28,385 --> 00:27:29,909
To fix this.
392
00:27:34,740 --> 00:27:38,874
I have never seen such
a sorry display in all my life.
393
00:27:39,005 --> 00:27:41,485
I mean, where's the fire?
Where's the intensity?
394
00:27:41,616 --> 00:27:44,663
And, for God's sake,
where are the tight ends?!
395
00:27:45,838 --> 00:27:48,101
Your team needs you out there.
396
00:27:48,231 --> 00:27:52,018
OK, being a cheerleader
isn't about pigtails
and pom-poms.
397
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:56,109
It's about standing by your
team, even when they suck.
398
00:27:56,239 --> 00:27:59,155
Especially when... they suck.
399
00:27:59,286 --> 00:28:02,289
- [all] Yeah.
- Do you think you can do that?
400
00:28:02,419 --> 00:28:06,032
- [all] Yes.
- Do you think you can
give it the old college try?
401
00:28:06,162 --> 00:28:09,688
- [all] Yes.
- Do you think,
maybe, just maybe,
402
00:28:09,818 --> 00:28:13,604
- you can help those guys score?
- [all] Yes!
403
00:28:13,735 --> 00:28:15,824
That's what I'm talkin' about.
404
00:28:15,955 --> 00:28:17,696
But first...
405
00:28:18,827 --> 00:28:20,655
...we're gonna
have to make a few cuts.
406
00:28:22,918 --> 00:28:25,007
- [hip-hop music plays]
- [cheering]
407
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:31,971
Who knew our
cheerleaders were hot?
408
00:28:32,101 --> 00:28:34,495
Who knew our
cheerleaders were women?
409
00:28:35,975 --> 00:28:38,891
Hey, guys.
The girls have done their part.
410
00:28:39,021 --> 00:28:40,544
Now it's your turn.
411
00:28:43,112 --> 00:28:45,985
Oh, and they said
if you win this thing,
412
00:28:46,115 --> 00:28:48,030
they're throwing you
a victory party.
413
00:28:49,510 --> 00:28:51,599
Victory party, guys.
414
00:28:51,991 --> 00:28:54,036
All right, let's go!
One, two, three.
415
00:28:54,167 --> 00:28:55,690
- [all] Coolidge!
- [PA] They're lining up,
416
00:28:55,821 --> 00:28:57,823
this crowd
is showing signs of life.
417
00:28:57,953 --> 00:29:00,477
Come on!
I know you can do it now!
418
00:29:01,261 --> 00:29:03,176
[PA] I don't know
whose idea it was,
419
00:29:03,306 --> 00:29:07,267
but if these cheerleaders
are grinding it harder
than Juan Valdez.
420
00:29:07,397 --> 00:29:08,747
[rock music plays]
421
00:29:09,486 --> 00:29:10,923
What the...?
422
00:29:12,315 --> 00:29:13,447
Sweet Jesus!
423
00:29:16,145 --> 00:29:18,539
[cheering]
424
00:29:41,083 --> 00:29:43,825
That's what
I'm talkin' about! Whoo!
425
00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:45,261
Yeah!
426
00:29:45,392 --> 00:29:48,874
[music continues]
427
00:29:49,004 --> 00:29:50,571
[shouting]
428
00:29:54,314 --> 00:29:56,229
- [grunting]
- [cheering]
429
00:29:56,359 --> 00:29:58,797
Whoo!
430
00:30:25,475 --> 00:30:28,130
[yelling, laughing]
431
00:30:28,261 --> 00:30:30,219
[dance music plays]
432
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:39,141
[all shouting, laughing]
433
00:30:56,942 --> 00:30:58,857
- [man] Watch your head!
- [bottle breaks]
434
00:31:06,821 --> 00:31:08,257
Guys, give me a ride.
435
00:31:09,519 --> 00:31:10,999
Oh!
436
00:31:14,046 --> 00:31:15,656
Whoo!
437
00:31:15,786 --> 00:31:17,527
[dance music continues]
438
00:31:25,796 --> 00:31:27,624
Hey.
439
00:31:27,755 --> 00:31:30,062
- School spirit?
- No, thanks.
440
00:31:30,192 --> 00:31:31,933
How 'bout a beer?
441
00:31:35,632 --> 00:31:38,070
- [belching]
- In a bottle.
442
00:31:42,726 --> 00:31:43,989
I shouldn't be here.
443
00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:50,909
- [gagging]
- [all shouting]
444
00:31:54,651 --> 00:31:56,784
[man] Whoo!
445
00:32:01,876 --> 00:32:03,704
Hey! Wait up!
446
00:32:05,053 --> 00:32:07,273
I'll walk you
back to your dorm.
447
00:32:07,403 --> 00:32:10,189
I'm sorry. I just...
I can't afford to do anything
448
00:32:10,319 --> 00:32:12,800
that might jeopardize getting
into officer training school.
449
00:32:13,540 --> 00:32:14,889
Understandable.
450
00:32:16,108 --> 00:32:17,674
I must seem like
such a goody two-shoes.
451
00:32:17,805 --> 00:32:21,243
No. I was
gonna say prude.
452
00:32:29,208 --> 00:32:33,952
You know, you should read
The Art of Warby Sun Tzu.
453
00:32:34,691 --> 00:32:39,348
He say, "All great warfare
is based on deception.
454
00:32:40,045 --> 00:32:42,961
Offer the enemy bait
to lure him.
455
00:32:43,091 --> 00:32:46,790
Feign disorder...
and crush him."
456
00:32:49,576 --> 00:32:50,969
Or her.
457
00:32:51,970 --> 00:32:54,146
He also says we
cannot enter alliances
458
00:32:54,276 --> 00:32:57,062
until we know the designs
of our neighbors. Good night.
459
00:32:59,020 --> 00:33:00,282
Whoa!
460
00:33:01,457 --> 00:33:03,851
You're not even going to
let me escort you to your room?
461
00:33:04,504 --> 00:33:06,810
Now what kind of a prude
would that make me?
462
00:33:10,031 --> 00:33:12,686
[♪ Something Corporate:
Cavanaugh Park]
463
00:33:13,643 --> 00:33:15,863
♪ At Cavanaugh Park ♪
464
00:33:16,298 --> 00:33:20,824
♪ Where I used to sit
all alone in the dark ♪
465
00:33:20,955 --> 00:33:25,655
♪ And dream about things
that I cannot say ♪
466
00:33:25,786 --> 00:33:30,486
♪ You always said destiny
would blow me away ♪
467
00:33:30,617 --> 00:33:34,838
♪ And nothing's
gonna blow me away ♪
468
00:33:44,196 --> 00:33:47,721
Hey! Where'd you come from?
469
00:33:50,245 --> 00:33:52,291
Broke out of
your little cage, huh?
470
00:33:53,466 --> 00:33:56,295
Whoa! What the hell?
471
00:33:57,774 --> 00:34:00,690
Oh, my God!
472
00:34:02,083 --> 00:34:03,911
You're my new best friend.
473
00:34:04,738 --> 00:34:06,740
Here's to you.
474
00:34:08,698 --> 00:34:10,570
Colossus.
475
00:34:10,700 --> 00:34:13,486
- Hey.
- Hey. Great party.
476
00:34:13,616 --> 00:34:15,053
Don't thank me.
Thank tequila.
477
00:34:15,183 --> 00:34:16,706
'Sup?
478
00:34:17,490 --> 00:34:18,926
Found your pants.
479
00:34:20,841 --> 00:34:22,147
[sighing] Ah...
480
00:34:24,932 --> 00:34:28,327
Van, I took your advice about
shaving my excess body hair
481
00:34:28,457 --> 00:34:31,156
and it worked. She said
I'd get laid tonight.
482
00:34:31,286 --> 00:34:33,158
- What's her major?
- Pre-law.
483
00:34:34,855 --> 00:34:36,813
- Get it in writing.
- [guy] Hey, Van...
484
00:34:36,944 --> 00:34:40,078
- [all shouting]
- Hey, guys!
485
00:34:40,208 --> 00:34:43,385
I will get to all of you later.
I promise!
486
00:34:45,300 --> 00:34:46,388
Wow!
487
00:34:48,912 --> 00:34:52,220
Hey!
Big man on campus.
488
00:34:52,742 --> 00:34:57,269
- A blessing and a curse.
- Van! Van!
489
00:34:57,399 --> 00:35:00,446
- I need your help.
- Whoa. Calm down, Yu.
490
00:35:00,576 --> 00:35:04,102
I meet girl
in class, berry sexy.
491
00:35:04,232 --> 00:35:06,408
So I say she beautiful.
492
00:35:06,539 --> 00:35:10,586
She say, "Get lost."
So I say she smart.
493
00:35:10,717 --> 00:35:15,548
She say, "Get lost!"
So I say, "I know Van Wilder."
494
00:35:15,678 --> 00:35:17,941
And she say, "Where your room?"
495
00:35:18,072 --> 00:35:20,030
Things heating up,
496
00:35:20,161 --> 00:35:22,163
but the first I give
her connie ring ass...
497
00:35:22,294 --> 00:35:24,339
- Connie-who?
- Connie ring ass!
498
00:35:24,470 --> 00:35:26,080
Ring ass?
499
00:35:26,211 --> 00:35:30,345
- Ring ass! Cunnilingus!
- Oh, right!
500
00:35:30,476 --> 00:35:33,783
So next thing,
she cry, she run out!
501
00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:38,484
Show me what you did.
502
00:35:49,059 --> 00:35:52,367
[slurping, moaning]
503
00:35:56,066 --> 00:36:00,375
Jesus, man! You're lucky
they didn't send her
to the fucking hospital.
504
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:03,857
Where did you learn that?
505
00:36:05,859 --> 00:36:09,863
- Sex crass.
- What sex crass?
506
00:36:10,429 --> 00:36:12,909
Now sex is achieved
when a male's sin stick
507
00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:18,045
is in, on or in the same room
as a female's hell hole.
508
00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:20,221
Now, no matter
what the woman says,
509
00:36:20,352 --> 00:36:24,269
the act of procreation should
only last for a few seconds.
510
00:36:24,399 --> 00:36:28,316
And remember, if it feels good,
you're doing it wrong.
511
00:36:29,404 --> 00:36:32,581
Professor Downs,
there's an emergency phone call.
512
00:36:32,712 --> 00:36:36,150
- Your wife was in an accident.
- Tell her I'll call her later.
513
00:36:36,281 --> 00:36:39,849
- And she totaled your Mustang.
- That bitch!
514
00:36:39,980 --> 00:36:43,375
Class, um, turn
to pages 20-22 and...
515
00:36:43,505 --> 00:36:46,247
Hello? Wake up!
516
00:36:47,161 --> 00:36:52,775
My name is Professor Wilder.
517
00:36:52,906 --> 00:36:55,256
I have a BA,
an MA and a Ph.D.
518
00:36:55,387 --> 00:36:58,520
And I received
a BJ from a double D.
519
00:36:58,651 --> 00:37:01,654
[laughter]
520
00:37:02,089 --> 00:37:04,657
These are my
teaching assistants.
521
00:37:05,005 --> 00:37:07,050
[rock music plays]
522
00:37:07,181 --> 00:37:10,184
Welcome to Sex... 101.
523
00:37:11,011 --> 00:37:12,839
This is hot.
524
00:37:12,969 --> 00:37:15,058
[all] Yeah!
525
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:18,236
- This is not.
- [all] No!
526
00:37:21,195 --> 00:37:23,502
- Hands?
- [laughter]
527
00:37:23,632 --> 00:37:25,504
Bad!
528
00:37:25,634 --> 00:37:29,159
We call this maneuver
"flanking."
529
00:37:33,773 --> 00:37:37,864
- Who can name this position?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
530
00:37:37,994 --> 00:37:40,649
- Yu.
- Glass Bottom Boat.
531
00:37:40,780 --> 00:37:42,825
- And this one.
- [mumbling]
532
00:37:42,956 --> 00:37:44,914
Oh! Annalingus!
533
00:37:45,045 --> 00:37:46,307
And that one.
534
00:37:46,438 --> 00:37:49,571
Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy.
535
00:37:49,702 --> 00:37:51,443
Preying Mantis.
536
00:37:51,573 --> 00:37:55,316
Tony Danza. Superman.
537
00:37:55,447 --> 00:37:59,146
- The Chizard of Oz.
- [laughter]
538
00:37:59,277 --> 00:38:01,235
That's my favorite.
539
00:38:02,497 --> 00:38:04,717
- Ladies.
- [all] Hello, hands.
540
00:38:05,108 --> 00:38:07,067
- Meet the glands.
- And?
541
00:38:07,197 --> 00:38:10,375
[all] Don't be daft,
work the shaft.
542
00:38:10,505 --> 00:38:13,203
- Guys.
- [all] Don't be a twit,
543
00:38:13,334 --> 00:38:16,859
- rub that clit.
- You're learning.
544
00:38:16,990 --> 00:38:18,818
- [laughter]
- Now, remember,
545
00:38:18,948 --> 00:38:22,952
always practice safe sex.
But clean up after yourselves.
546
00:38:23,083 --> 00:38:26,521
Condoms are like newspapers.
They may be filled
with important stuff now,
547
00:38:26,652 --> 00:38:29,307
but you don't want 'em lying
around tomorrow morning.
548
00:38:30,525 --> 00:38:31,961
Write that down.
549
00:38:36,749 --> 00:38:38,359
Oh, Miss Hayes.
550
00:38:40,056 --> 00:38:43,190
I'll let it slide this time,
but if you plan
on being teacher's pet,
551
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,366
you really should
stay after class.
552
00:38:45,497 --> 00:38:48,543
Class? [laughs]
You're kidding, right?
553
00:38:49,152 --> 00:38:52,155
Nothing from that
soft-porn seminar would
actually work in real life.
554
00:38:53,287 --> 00:38:57,073
OK, I give you
tongue if you like.
555
00:38:57,900 --> 00:39:01,164
The point is you put
on a disgusting display
of vulgar anatomy,
556
00:39:01,295 --> 00:39:03,079
crude stereotypes
and dirty limericks.
557
00:39:03,210 --> 00:39:06,039
Which you took
copious notes on.
558
00:39:06,866 --> 00:39:09,434
This is all a game to you.
It's a lot of smooth talk.
559
00:39:09,564 --> 00:39:11,479
And then it's wham,
bam, thank you, Van.
560
00:39:11,610 --> 00:39:15,527
Well, my father taught me
if it's something worth doing,
it's worth doing right.
561
00:39:16,528 --> 00:39:20,358
Well, my father taught me
the best things in life
are worth waiting for.
562
00:39:23,926 --> 00:39:26,581
- Wait.
- Catch you later, teach.
563
00:39:26,842 --> 00:39:30,019
Van! Van! OK...
564
00:39:30,150 --> 00:39:32,631
Thank you, thank you.
565
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,682
- I'm Yu.
- I'm Dongmei.
566
00:39:41,030 --> 00:39:44,207
[speaking Chinese]
567
00:39:50,431 --> 00:39:52,564
You know, I am
not sure what it is,
568
00:39:52,694 --> 00:39:55,131
but there is something
in the air tonight.
569
00:39:55,958 --> 00:39:58,831
- Something called...
- [Farley] Love, girl.
570
00:39:59,614 --> 00:40:02,269
See, that's what the
reggae music is all about.
571
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,098
- Love and...
- [Yu] Shrimp?
572
00:40:05,228 --> 00:40:08,580
[moaning]
573
00:40:08,710 --> 00:40:10,886
[♪ Bedouin Soundclash:
When The Night Feels My Song]
574
00:40:11,017 --> 00:40:12,540
[Dongmei moaning]
575
00:40:12,671 --> 00:40:15,282
♪ Heading down
off the mountain slope ♪
576
00:40:17,284 --> 00:40:20,113
♪ And as my steps echo, echo ♪
577
00:40:20,243 --> 00:40:24,378
- Look at those...
- Flamethrowers!
Use the flamethrowers!
578
00:40:26,249 --> 00:40:28,469
♪ Another day is done ♪
579
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:30,602
Permission to come inside, sir?
580
00:40:32,038 --> 00:40:33,909
Kaitlin, you look like a...
581
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:38,000
Tramp. That's what
I feel like sometimes.
582
00:40:39,001 --> 00:40:42,091
I mean, I know she has a
boyfriend, but it's like...
583
00:40:43,919 --> 00:40:47,445
I'm sorry. I shouldn't
be boring you with all this.
584
00:40:49,534 --> 00:40:53,015
Here. I have a little
surprise for us.
585
00:40:53,712 --> 00:40:56,584
♪ And hey, hey, hey, hey
hey, hey ♪
586
00:40:56,715 --> 00:41:00,893
♪ Hey, beautiful day
Hey, beautiful day ♪
587
00:41:01,415 --> 00:41:05,027
♪ When the night ♪
588
00:41:05,158 --> 00:41:07,639
[Dongmei] Sweet and sour.
589
00:41:09,292 --> 00:41:13,558
- Ready, aim, fire!
- [pops]
590
00:41:13,688 --> 00:41:18,476
- [bubbling]
- ♪ I'll be home ♪
591
00:41:20,042 --> 00:41:21,696
Kaitlin,
what's gotten into you?
592
00:41:21,827 --> 00:41:24,525
Let's just say I learned
a few things in class today.
593
00:41:25,570 --> 00:41:27,180
Whoa.
594
00:41:27,310 --> 00:41:29,835
Kaitlin,
I need my energy.
595
00:41:29,965 --> 00:41:32,185
I have to pass that obstacle
course in the morning.
596
00:41:32,315 --> 00:41:34,361
I'll give you an obstacle.
597
00:41:37,190 --> 00:41:38,496
Don't.
598
00:41:40,541 --> 00:41:43,501
♪ I'm not sure
of my every step ♪
599
00:41:43,631 --> 00:41:45,285
[slurping]
600
00:41:45,415 --> 00:41:48,767
♪ Follow the wind
that pushes me west ♪
601
00:41:48,897 --> 00:41:50,595
[moaning]
602
00:41:50,725 --> 00:41:52,205
[pops]
603
00:41:53,902 --> 00:41:57,340
♪ And hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪
604
00:41:57,776 --> 00:41:59,952
[moaning]
605
00:42:00,082 --> 00:42:05,261
- ♪ Hey, beautiful day ♪
- [moaning]
606
00:42:07,307 --> 00:42:09,135
[screaming]
607
00:42:09,265 --> 00:42:11,398
♪ Hey, beautiful day ♪
608
00:42:12,573 --> 00:42:15,445
I am so glad you
weren't busy tonight.
609
00:42:15,968 --> 00:42:18,405
[panting]
610
00:42:20,450 --> 00:42:24,454
- ♪ I'll be home ♪
- Go ahead.
611
00:42:24,803 --> 00:42:29,155
♪ I'll be home ♪
612
00:42:29,285 --> 00:42:32,898
♪ When the night ♪
613
00:42:33,376 --> 00:42:37,119
♪ Feels my song ♪
614
00:42:37,250 --> 00:42:41,428
♪ I'll be home ♪
615
00:42:41,559 --> 00:42:45,693
♪ I'll be home ♪♪
616
00:42:50,655 --> 00:42:54,441
- [gasps] God!
- Shh!
617
00:42:56,443 --> 00:42:59,141
Put some of Professor Van's
methods to the test last night?
618
00:42:59,272 --> 00:43:01,230
You wish.
What about you?
619
00:43:01,361 --> 00:43:04,407
I figured you'd be
in Wilder Hall sucking beers
with Susie Sorority.
620
00:43:05,583 --> 00:43:08,629
Travel books. Hm.
621
00:43:09,456 --> 00:43:12,459
I always had you pegged as more
of a Soldier of Fortunegirl.
622
00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:16,506
Traveling's one of the
reasons why I wanna be in
the military. To see the world.
623
00:43:16,637 --> 00:43:21,033
You know, there are vacations
that don't involve machine guns.
624
00:43:21,163 --> 00:43:25,385
Oh, right. Spring break
in Mexico, winters
in the Caribbean.
625
00:43:25,515 --> 00:43:27,779
You probably spent
summer in Amsterdam.
626
00:43:29,868 --> 00:43:35,003
I think it's important
to familiarize oneself
with international... tongues.
627
00:43:35,134 --> 00:43:38,267
[scoffs] Life's just
one big party, isn't it?
628
00:43:39,268 --> 00:43:40,835
Why shouldn't it be?
629
00:43:40,966 --> 00:43:43,185
Last time I checked,
we only go around once, right?
630
00:43:43,751 --> 00:43:45,971
Unless you believe
in reincarnation.
631
00:43:46,101 --> 00:43:49,931
In that case, I wanna
come back as a ThighMaster.
632
00:43:52,891 --> 00:43:53,892
What?
633
00:43:57,243 --> 00:43:59,854
Hey! Wait up!
634
00:43:59,985 --> 00:44:02,161
You know, you could be
a great leader
635
00:44:02,291 --> 00:44:04,554
if you just learned
how to follow orders first.
636
00:44:04,685 --> 00:44:06,861
Not a big fan of
authority figures, actually.
637
00:44:06,992 --> 00:44:09,734
- Oh. Someone has father issues.
- That makes two of us.
638
00:44:09,864 --> 00:44:12,911
- Excuse me?
- Oh, come on.
639
00:44:13,041 --> 00:44:16,175
The whole military routine,
the tough exterior.
640
00:44:16,305 --> 00:44:18,656
You don't know anything
about my father or me.
641
00:44:18,786 --> 00:44:20,788
- You see a uniform...
- You see a name on a building.
642
00:44:20,919 --> 00:44:23,791
Well, why don't
you surprise me, hm?
643
00:44:23,922 --> 00:44:29,101
All right. First of all, I've
never even been in Wilder Hall.
644
00:44:29,231 --> 00:44:33,322
And, secondly, for someone
who's so big on rules...
645
00:44:35,629 --> 00:44:38,197
Here it is.
"Student undergarments
646
00:44:38,327 --> 00:44:41,635
should be as modest
and unrevealing as possible."
647
00:44:42,418 --> 00:44:46,771
- So?
- So my sixth sense
is telling me...
648
00:44:48,033 --> 00:44:50,513
Oh! You're a thong girl!
649
00:44:50,644 --> 00:44:52,646
What? No, I'm not.
650
00:44:52,777 --> 00:44:54,474
My sixth sense does not lie.
651
00:44:54,604 --> 00:44:57,085
Well, it does this time,
and in the future,
652
00:44:57,216 --> 00:44:59,784
you might want to keep it
and the rest of your senses
to yourself.
653
00:44:59,914 --> 00:45:02,482
Some things
are private, private.
654
00:45:08,009 --> 00:45:13,536
Corporal, I think it's time we
take things to the next level.
655
00:45:13,667 --> 00:45:16,496
I have waited so long
to hear you say that.
656
00:45:16,626 --> 00:45:19,194
- What?
- Nothing, I...
657
00:45:20,500 --> 00:45:23,111
Eve! Jesus, you almost
scared the courage out of me.
658
00:45:23,242 --> 00:45:25,723
Hey, Dirk. I was just
wondering if you could help me.
659
00:45:26,027 --> 00:45:28,551
- With what?
- I need to talk to God.
660
00:45:28,682 --> 00:45:30,640
So go talk to him.
I'm busy.
661
00:45:30,771 --> 00:45:33,469
I need to feel him
inside of me.
662
00:45:34,340 --> 00:45:35,776
[mouthing silently]
663
00:45:35,907 --> 00:45:37,822
Don't you wanna
help me find God?
664
00:45:38,431 --> 00:45:40,563
- Listen, I don't know
what you're on...
- Just fuck me!
665
00:45:40,694 --> 00:45:43,566
- [screaming]
- [tires screeching]
666
00:45:43,697 --> 00:45:45,743
- Get away from me, devil-woman!
- Dirk!
667
00:45:45,873 --> 00:45:47,309
- Faster!
- You get back here!
668
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:49,659
Yes, I bought you
toilet paper.
669
00:45:49,790 --> 00:45:51,792
- [barking]
- No, it's not quilted.
670
00:45:51,923 --> 00:45:53,751
Golly!
671
00:45:55,622 --> 00:45:57,276
[neck cracks]
672
00:45:57,406 --> 00:45:58,799
I won't ask
if you don't tell?
673
00:45:59,017 --> 00:46:02,934
[laughing]
674
00:46:03,064 --> 00:46:05,066
What the...? Hey!
675
00:46:05,197 --> 00:46:06,633
Put me down!
676
00:46:10,202 --> 00:46:12,378
[Van] Is this where
you bring all the boys?
677
00:46:12,508 --> 00:46:14,249
Oh, yeah,
you're a real comedian.
678
00:46:15,250 --> 00:46:18,732
You like cracking your jokes,
throwing your little parties,
679
00:46:18,863 --> 00:46:22,040
sticking your tongue
in other people's property?
680
00:46:22,170 --> 00:46:24,085
Can someone
get this guy a Tic Tac?
681
00:46:25,260 --> 00:46:28,742
Well, I got news for you,
Mr. Cool Guy,
682
00:46:28,873 --> 00:46:33,791
Mr. Rock 'n' Roll,
Mr. Hot Crotch!
683
00:46:35,444 --> 00:46:40,188
Your party-boy bullshit
has no place here at Coolidge.
684
00:46:40,319 --> 00:46:42,930
And you're about
to find out the hard way.
685
00:46:43,061 --> 00:46:45,977
- Ah, I wanna watch!
- This should teach you
not to mess with my girl.
686
00:46:48,936 --> 00:46:52,897
- [shouting]
- [laughing] Hold him!
687
00:46:56,378 --> 00:46:58,728
Come on, Wilder!
Drink up!
688
00:47:03,385 --> 00:47:05,344
Had enough?
689
00:47:05,474 --> 00:47:07,999
You wouldn't happen to have
a pale ale on tap, would ya?
690
00:47:11,393 --> 00:47:12,786
Screw it.
691
00:47:16,268 --> 00:47:20,663
- [Yu] How your face feel?
- Like a punching bag.
692
00:47:21,882 --> 00:47:24,276
Maybe you should
find another girl.
693
00:47:24,972 --> 00:47:27,105
Nah, it's not
just the girl, Farley.
694
00:47:28,367 --> 00:47:32,937
Dirk and Reardon and
all the rest of those
Cro-Magnon crotch-diggers
695
00:47:33,067 --> 00:47:36,418
need to learn they can't run
this place like Guantanamo U.
696
00:47:36,549 --> 00:47:40,858
- [sniffing]
- [sniffing]
697
00:47:40,988 --> 00:47:46,646
Ah, man! Who's been
feeding that dog corn again?
698
00:47:50,302 --> 00:47:52,826
Farley, get some gloves.
699
00:47:56,656 --> 00:47:58,223
All right, girls!
700
00:48:01,313 --> 00:48:04,925
This is covert ops!
I want it by the book!
701
00:48:05,056 --> 00:48:07,710
- Now camo up. Let's go!
- [all] Sir, yes sir!
702
00:48:10,061 --> 00:48:13,412
- Jesus, it smells.
- Come on! Faster! Move! Yeah!
703
00:48:13,542 --> 00:48:16,197
- Put it on!
- Ugh!
704
00:48:16,328 --> 00:48:20,114
Mother of God. Uh...
Sir, he's right.
705
00:48:20,245 --> 00:48:21,507
It smells like sh...
706
00:48:21,637 --> 00:48:25,815
What do you want it to
smell like? Roses? Put it on!
707
00:48:35,521 --> 00:48:38,916
All right troops, one mile left.
Double-time! Let's go!
708
00:48:42,049 --> 00:48:45,444
- What happened to your face?
- I ran into a tool.
709
00:48:45,574 --> 00:48:48,273
[military drumbeat]
710
00:48:49,796 --> 00:48:52,190
[all shouting]
711
00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:54,888
- Oh, Dirk!
- Not now, honeybear.
712
00:48:55,019 --> 00:48:57,195
We're in the middle
of covert ops!
713
00:48:57,891 --> 00:49:00,415
- What's that smell?
- That smell?
714
00:49:00,894 --> 00:49:03,897
- It's the smell of war!
- [yelling]
715
00:49:05,638 --> 00:49:07,640
Well, it smells like crap.
716
00:49:13,037 --> 00:49:15,082
- Is that corn?
- Oh!
717
00:49:15,213 --> 00:49:18,564
- Back to base showers now!
- [yelling]
718
00:49:19,478 --> 00:49:21,219
Ran into a tool, huh?
719
00:49:22,785 --> 00:49:24,700
[knock on door]
720
00:49:31,229 --> 00:49:32,578
Wilder is dead!
721
00:49:32,708 --> 00:49:35,059
Dirk, what are you doing here?
It's against the rules.
722
00:49:35,189 --> 00:49:38,279
- I don't care about the rules.
- Now you sound like Van.
723
00:49:38,410 --> 00:49:41,195
No, no, no, no. Don't you
dare say that name to me.
724
00:49:41,326 --> 00:49:44,633
I don't even wanna...
I don't wanna...
725
00:49:44,764 --> 00:49:48,072
- ...hear that name!
- Dirk, calm down.
726
00:49:48,202 --> 00:49:50,117
You're forbidden
to see him again!
727
00:49:50,248 --> 00:49:52,250
Excuse me?
You can't tell me who to see.
728
00:49:52,380 --> 00:49:54,861
Oh, you heard me, corporal.
I don't want you to see him.
729
00:49:54,992 --> 00:49:57,907
You don't talk to him, period!
730
00:49:58,038 --> 00:50:00,475
Or what?
You'll beat him up again?
731
00:50:00,867 --> 00:50:03,783
He's not one of us,
Kaitlin!
732
00:50:04,914 --> 00:50:07,482
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
733
00:50:07,613 --> 00:50:11,312
Well, then I don't wanna be
one of us either. Get out, Dirk.
734
00:50:11,443 --> 00:50:14,794
Wait, what?
You can't break up with me.
735
00:50:14,924 --> 00:50:17,710
We have cuddle-wuddle
time at 2100 hours.
736
00:50:17,840 --> 00:50:19,320
Cuddle with your gun.
737
00:50:25,892 --> 00:50:27,981
Oh, and you can keep
Major McHuggles!
738
00:50:43,257 --> 00:50:46,695
- Where are the others?
- Just you and me
today, soldier.
739
00:50:46,826 --> 00:50:49,437
I figured you need
a little one-on-one training.
740
00:50:50,525 --> 00:50:52,832
- Uh-huh.
- You have ten minutes
to run the course.
741
00:50:52,962 --> 00:50:57,097
- Let's see if you can keep up.
- Care to make it interesting?
742
00:50:58,490 --> 00:51:01,232
If I win, you have
to let me take you out.
743
00:51:01,667 --> 00:51:04,931
Nothing sexual,
just a tour around campus.
744
00:51:05,062 --> 00:51:08,195
- And if you don't?
- I'll do latrine duty
for a month.
745
00:51:08,326 --> 00:51:12,765
- [laughs] You're on.
- Great. When do I start?
746
00:51:12,895 --> 00:51:16,377
- You already have.
- Oh.
747
00:51:16,508 --> 00:51:17,639
[♪ Jebediah: I Ran]
748
00:51:17,770 --> 00:51:20,294
♪ I walked along the avenue ♪
749
00:51:20,425 --> 00:51:23,993
♪ I never thought
I'd meet a girl like you ♪
750
00:51:24,124 --> 00:51:27,954
♪ Meet a girl like you ♪
751
00:51:29,303 --> 00:51:32,132
♪ With auburn hair
and tawny eyes ♪
752
00:51:32,263 --> 00:51:36,180
♪ The kind of eyes
that hypnotize me through ♪
753
00:51:36,310 --> 00:51:39,879
♪ Hypnotize me through ♪
754
00:51:40,009 --> 00:51:45,014
♪ And I ran
I ran so far away ♪
755
00:51:45,145 --> 00:51:47,234
♪ I couldn't get away ♪
756
00:51:52,370 --> 00:51:55,155
♪ A cloud appears
above your head ♪
757
00:51:55,286 --> 00:51:58,419
♪ A beam of light
comes shining down on you ♪
758
00:51:58,550 --> 00:52:02,206
- [screaming]
- ♪ Shining down on you ♪
759
00:52:04,251 --> 00:52:06,949
♪ The cloud is moving
nearer still ♪
760
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:10,997
♪ Aurora borealis
comes in view ♪
761
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:14,566
♪ Aurora comes in view ♪
762
00:52:14,696 --> 00:52:20,093
♪ And I ran
I ran so far away ♪
763
00:52:20,224 --> 00:52:25,925
♪ I just ran
I ran all night and day ♪
764
00:52:26,055 --> 00:52:28,797
♪ I couldn't get away ♪
765
00:52:28,928 --> 00:52:30,538
[Van panting]
766
00:52:33,193 --> 00:52:34,760
You're running out of time!
767
00:52:34,890 --> 00:52:36,979
I can't... I don't have...
768
00:52:37,110 --> 00:52:38,807
Come on.
You have ten seconds.
769
00:52:38,938 --> 00:52:41,723
Ten, nine, eight...
770
00:52:41,854 --> 00:52:44,509
- Hey, Wilder!
- Huh?
771
00:52:44,639 --> 00:52:46,206
Do you want this or what?
772
00:52:47,642 --> 00:52:51,342
♪ Aurora borealis
comes in view ♪
773
00:52:51,472 --> 00:52:54,127
[grunting] Whoo!
774
00:52:54,258 --> 00:52:56,434
I knew you had it in you.
775
00:52:56,564 --> 00:53:00,960
Piece of cake. Let me know
if you find my right testicle.
776
00:53:01,917 --> 00:53:04,311
Come on, Milk Dud.
I'll buy you an ice cream.
777
00:53:06,705 --> 00:53:09,360
- Mother! All right!
- ♪ I just ran
I ran all night and day ♪
778
00:53:09,925 --> 00:53:13,015
- Ice cream! [screams]
- ♪ I couldn't get away ♪♪
779
00:53:13,146 --> 00:53:15,670
[Reardon] Look at 'em,
lieutenant.
780
00:53:16,236 --> 00:53:18,847
Morons. Listening
to their retard rock.
781
00:53:18,978 --> 00:53:22,982
Horn dogs, tongue dancing
like cousins in a closet.
782
00:53:23,112 --> 00:53:24,984
You see what's happening
down there, don't ya?
783
00:53:25,114 --> 00:53:27,856
Chaos, anarchy,
ironic t-shirts.
784
00:53:29,597 --> 00:53:33,297
I'm losing control, damn it,
and I refuse to let that happen.
785
00:53:33,427 --> 00:53:34,863
Do you know
who's behind it, sir?
786
00:53:34,994 --> 00:53:37,953
Oh... [laughs] I know
who's behind it, all right.
787
00:53:38,084 --> 00:53:42,306
It's that same rooster
that's been sniffing
around your hen house.
788
00:53:46,484 --> 00:53:50,357
Looks like somebody
needs another beating!
789
00:53:50,488 --> 00:53:53,708
Forget it. Beating him up
is like beating off.
790
00:53:53,839 --> 00:53:56,189
It might feel good doing it,
but in the end,
791
00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:58,147
we're standing there
with our dicks in our hands.
792
00:53:58,278 --> 00:54:00,889
No. We need something more.
793
00:54:01,020 --> 00:54:04,415
I could...
beat up his roommates, sir.
794
00:54:04,545 --> 00:54:07,722
Goddamn it, boy.
You stupid?
795
00:54:07,853 --> 00:54:09,376
Wait a minute.
796
00:54:10,421 --> 00:54:12,553
Isn't his roommate that pothead?
797
00:54:12,684 --> 00:54:14,555
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
798
00:54:15,469 --> 00:54:17,384
Lieutenant,
I've got an idea.
799
00:54:18,864 --> 00:54:21,388
[car horn honks]
800
00:54:25,697 --> 00:54:28,569
[soft rock plays]
801
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:57,772
Milady,
your chariot awaits.
802
00:54:57,903 --> 00:55:01,515
- How did you get this?
- Chuck lent it to me.
803
00:55:01,646 --> 00:55:05,563
- We go way back.
- Uh-huh. Thanks.
804
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:17,662
- This is incredible.
- You said you always wanted
to see the world.
805
00:55:17,792 --> 00:55:20,317
- I thought we'd start
with the tropics.
- [laughs]
806
00:55:20,447 --> 00:55:24,451
Oh, I almost forgot
the most important part.
807
00:55:26,584 --> 00:55:29,587
- Mm. What is it?
- It's my own concoction.
808
00:55:29,717 --> 00:55:32,981
- I call it the amputated leg.
- Why?
809
00:55:33,112 --> 00:55:36,463
'Cause if you have more than
one, you're flat on your ass.
810
00:55:36,594 --> 00:55:38,378
[laughs]
811
00:55:52,740 --> 00:55:56,440
Christ! Look at this place.
It's like a homo's paradise.
812
00:55:58,267 --> 00:56:00,182
- You want a cosmo?
- Put that down.
813
00:56:00,313 --> 00:56:03,621
Put it down. Get over here.
Stupid ass.
814
00:56:05,449 --> 00:56:07,059
You have the stuff?
815
00:56:08,713 --> 00:56:12,238
You have no idea where
I had to hide this.
816
00:56:14,414 --> 00:56:16,198
Put it over there
in that plant thingy.
817
00:56:16,329 --> 00:56:18,331
Oh, technically,
that's a variegated ficus.
818
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:20,377
- Shut up! Just put it in!
- Ow! Ow!
819
00:56:24,076 --> 00:56:26,687
[dialing phone]
820
00:56:26,818 --> 00:56:29,995
- [ringing]
- [indistinct voice over phone]
821
00:56:30,125 --> 00:56:33,041
Hello. I'd like
to report the possession
of some illegal narcotics.
822
00:56:34,478 --> 00:56:35,957
[Kaitlin] I can't
believe I'm doing this,
823
00:56:36,088 --> 00:56:37,611
blowing off my homework,
824
00:56:37,742 --> 00:56:40,788
drinking and riding
in a stolen vehicle, no less.
825
00:56:40,919 --> 00:56:42,834
God bless America.
826
00:56:44,009 --> 00:56:47,360
You know, what you've
done here, it's pretty great.
827
00:56:47,491 --> 00:56:49,580
Well, Farley's the one who
scooped out the pineapple.
828
00:56:49,710 --> 00:56:53,671
[laughs] Shut up.
I mean here, this, Coolidge.
829
00:56:54,367 --> 00:56:57,239
I don't know.
People seem happier.
830
00:56:57,370 --> 00:56:59,154
Because they're
thinking for themselves.
831
00:56:59,285 --> 00:57:01,983
They don't have some father
figure telling them what to do.
832
00:57:02,114 --> 00:57:04,159
Oh, back to the father issues.
833
00:57:06,248 --> 00:57:09,426
You know a little bit
about mine. What about yours?
834
00:57:09,556 --> 00:57:12,907
Well, let's see.
My father's a sergeant,
835
00:57:13,038 --> 00:57:16,520
his father was a sergeant.
He always wanted a son
who was an officer.
836
00:57:16,650 --> 00:57:18,696
Guess I'm just trying
to get it half right.
837
00:57:18,826 --> 00:57:22,874
Yeah, but the real question is:
is this what makes you happy?
838
00:57:23,440 --> 00:57:26,007
Family makes me happy.
Tradition.
839
00:57:26,138 --> 00:57:29,097
Tradition is something
that keeps card
companies in business.
840
00:57:29,228 --> 00:57:33,928
I think at some point
you gotta say, "I'm gonna
do what I'm wanna do, Dad.
841
00:57:34,059 --> 00:57:37,323
- So quit busting my balls!"
- [laughs] Yeah,
I'll be sure to mention that
842
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:39,543
when I have dinner with him.
843
00:57:39,673 --> 00:57:41,632
You might wanna
leave out the balls part.
844
00:57:43,285 --> 00:57:44,809
We should have a toast.
845
00:57:51,424 --> 00:57:54,253
- To Coolidge.
- To you.
846
00:57:55,602 --> 00:57:56,777
To us.
847
00:58:01,913 --> 00:58:03,349
- Ah!
- [laughs]
848
00:58:06,570 --> 00:58:09,921
- Shall I take you home?
- Actually,
849
00:58:10,574 --> 00:58:13,620
there's something
I've heard about
that I've been dying to see.
850
00:58:16,014 --> 00:58:18,843
My God, it's huge!
851
00:58:20,453 --> 00:58:24,936
Well, Farley and I both
live here. Yu uses the hot tub.
852
00:58:25,066 --> 00:58:27,808
This is the bigger
than some of the military
housing I grew up in.
853
00:58:30,419 --> 00:58:32,030
I think it's a lot like me.
854
00:58:32,726 --> 00:58:37,601
Simple, yet elegant,
coarse, but refined,
855
00:58:37,731 --> 00:58:40,473
and it could definitely
use a woman's...
856
00:58:42,083 --> 00:58:43,955
...touch.
857
00:58:44,085 --> 00:58:46,653
I've always wanted to do that.
858
00:58:52,137 --> 00:58:53,834
Whoa!
859
00:58:56,097 --> 00:58:58,317
The amputated leg
strikes again.
860
00:58:59,797 --> 00:59:03,191
- Your roommates around?
- I sent them to the movies.
861
00:59:03,322 --> 00:59:05,019
So they'll be back soon.
862
00:59:05,150 --> 00:59:08,632
- I sent them to all the movies.
- That's good.
863
00:59:08,762 --> 00:59:11,896
With Dirk, I always
felt like someone was
gonna break down the door.
864
00:59:12,026 --> 00:59:14,028
Don't move!
865
00:59:15,073 --> 00:59:19,164
- Search the place.
- Are you in
some kind of trouble?
866
00:59:19,294 --> 00:59:23,951
Either that, or the library
has seriously changed
its overdue book policy.
867
00:59:24,082 --> 00:59:26,519
We got an anonymous tip
that there are some
illegal narcotics
868
00:59:26,650 --> 00:59:28,695
being hidden
in the plant thingy.
869
00:59:32,003 --> 00:59:34,483
There's nothing in the bag.
It's empty, sir.
870
00:59:36,485 --> 00:59:41,621
False alarm.
You kids have a nice evening.
871
00:59:44,450 --> 00:59:46,844
Oh, and don't forget
to wrap it up.
872
00:59:51,370 --> 00:59:53,241
What just happened?
873
00:59:56,462 --> 00:59:58,638
[Yu] What wrong with Colossus?
874
00:59:59,813 --> 01:00:02,990
[Farley] Damn, yo,
that dog is mad blazed.
875
01:00:03,121 --> 01:00:04,818
He must've eaten a whole pound.
876
01:00:06,298 --> 01:00:08,474
Hey, don't be
lookin' at me, man.
877
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:11,651
I keep my stuff right here.
878
01:00:13,348 --> 01:00:17,004
- Hydroponics.
- You know, messing
with me is one thing.
879
01:00:17,135 --> 01:00:20,486
- But nobody screws my pooch.
- [Kaitlin] It's Dirk.
880
01:00:20,617 --> 01:00:24,098
It's gotta be. He's
trying to get even with me
for breaking up with him.
881
01:00:24,838 --> 01:00:28,233
You two broke up?
I'm sorry to hear that.
882
01:00:28,799 --> 01:00:31,018
I just can't believe
he'd go this far.
883
01:00:32,629 --> 01:00:34,369
I don't think he did.
884
01:00:35,196 --> 01:00:38,199
I think old Dirky-boy's
playing Vanna
to someone else's Sajak.
885
01:00:38,983 --> 01:00:41,681
And now it's our turn
to spin the wheel.
886
01:00:42,813 --> 01:00:45,076
What do you mean
he wasn't arrested?
887
01:00:45,206 --> 01:00:48,514
- We didn't find any drugs.
- Officer, can you tell me why,
888
01:00:48,645 --> 01:00:51,343
at such a fine institute
of higher learning,
889
01:00:51,473 --> 01:00:53,084
I'm surrounded by idiots?!
890
01:00:53,214 --> 01:00:55,826
[PA] It's time
for your massage, sir.
891
01:00:55,956 --> 01:00:58,959
Send them in. Get out.
You're incompetent.
892
01:01:05,357 --> 01:01:08,447
One? I usually have two girls.
893
01:01:09,274 --> 01:01:11,972
Me no disappoint.
894
01:01:14,279 --> 01:01:15,846
Holy Schwarzkopf!
895
01:01:16,803 --> 01:01:18,500
Oh, yeah.
896
01:01:24,855 --> 01:01:28,989
[Dongmei moaning]
Hairy, hairy chest.
897
01:01:29,816 --> 01:01:33,037
Hello. Is this Mrs. Reardon?
898
01:01:33,385 --> 01:01:36,257
Oooh!
899
01:01:36,388 --> 01:01:40,435
Big, strong GI.
900
01:01:41,045 --> 01:01:43,874
You know,
you Charlie ain't so bad.
901
01:01:44,004 --> 01:01:46,485
Shame we had
to beat you in 'Nam.
902
01:01:46,877 --> 01:01:49,444
- [speaking Chinese]
- Huh?
903
01:01:50,663 --> 01:01:52,796
You want happy ending?
904
01:01:52,926 --> 01:01:56,060
Does an A-rab
shit in the sand? [laughs]
905
01:01:59,454 --> 01:02:00,934
Whoa, whoa.
What... What's this?
906
01:02:01,065 --> 01:02:04,459
Not polite to watch,
only to feel.
907
01:02:04,590 --> 01:02:06,026
All right.
908
01:02:07,245 --> 01:02:08,986
Whoo!
909
01:02:09,116 --> 01:02:12,076
Why your soldier
not stand at attention?
910
01:02:12,206 --> 01:02:14,469
Oh. It will, it will.
911
01:02:14,600 --> 01:02:18,299
♪ My country tis of thee ♪
912
01:02:18,430 --> 01:02:22,173
♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪
913
01:02:22,303 --> 01:02:26,264
- Ooh! Very good.
- [laughs]
914
01:02:26,394 --> 01:02:28,832
[humming]
915
01:02:28,962 --> 01:02:32,705
♪ Land where my fathers died ♪
916
01:02:32,836 --> 01:02:35,664
This is something
you'll like very much!
917
01:02:35,795 --> 01:02:38,406
[laughs] I cannot
wait very much.
918
01:02:39,016 --> 01:02:40,757
Ooh... Yeah.
919
01:02:40,887 --> 01:02:45,500
Oh, your soldier
stand at attention now.
920
01:02:45,631 --> 01:02:47,894
- You likey likey?
- Ooh, yeah, yeah.
921
01:02:48,025 --> 01:02:51,550
You ready for mouth massage?
922
01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:56,555
- Bring it on.
- Here it come!
923
01:03:02,387 --> 01:03:05,433
Oh! Oh, easy there, easy.
924
01:03:06,739 --> 01:03:09,263
- Feel good?
- Yow! Watch it.
925
01:03:09,394 --> 01:03:12,789
- Watch Huck and Buck, there.
- No touching!
926
01:03:12,919 --> 01:03:16,009
[howls, barks]
Oh, that feels good.
927
01:03:17,358 --> 01:03:20,013
♪ Land where my fathers died ♪
928
01:03:20,144 --> 01:03:24,061
♪ Land of the pilgrims' pride ♪
929
01:03:24,801 --> 01:03:26,411
Oh, that is so hot.
930
01:03:26,541 --> 01:03:30,502
♪ From every mountainside ♪
931
01:03:30,632 --> 01:03:35,420
♪ Let freedom ring ♪
932
01:03:35,550 --> 01:03:37,814
Charles!
933
01:03:42,514 --> 01:03:44,777
[screaming]
934
01:03:44,908 --> 01:03:48,302
[screaming continues]
935
01:03:48,433 --> 01:03:50,565
[Van] So dirty.
936
01:03:50,696 --> 01:03:54,526
I promise I will never
make you do anything
like that ever again.
937
01:03:55,744 --> 01:03:58,573
Given the...
938
01:03:58,704 --> 01:04:01,968
...events of this afternoon,
939
01:04:02,099 --> 01:04:04,275
there's only one thing
in the world I want.
940
01:04:04,405 --> 01:04:07,147
- A rabies shot, sir?
- No, goddamn it!
941
01:04:07,278 --> 01:04:10,411
I want Wilder. He's
turned my wife against me,
942
01:04:10,542 --> 01:04:12,587
my school against me...
943
01:04:14,676 --> 01:04:16,896
...he even turned
my dog against me.
944
01:04:17,027 --> 01:04:19,507
- [whimpers]
- I wish we could
just kick him out!
945
01:04:19,638 --> 01:04:22,510
There's gotta be some way I
can just force him to leave.
946
01:04:22,641 --> 01:04:26,906
Oh, I would love to see
the look on his dad's face
947
01:04:27,037 --> 01:04:29,082
when he finds out
his son is expelled.
948
01:04:29,213 --> 01:04:31,868
I would love to see the look
on Kaitlin's dad's face
949
01:04:31,998 --> 01:04:36,176
when he realizes that his
daughter's new boyfriend
isn't joining the Army.
950
01:04:36,307 --> 01:04:38,526
Will you shut the hell...?
951
01:04:40,311 --> 01:04:42,574
- Who's dad?
- Kaitlin's.
952
01:04:44,315 --> 01:04:45,882
Lieutenant!
953
01:04:46,578 --> 01:04:48,406
I've got it.
954
01:04:48,536 --> 01:04:52,845
We are gonna finish Wilder,
and your former squeeze, too.
955
01:04:52,976 --> 01:04:54,891
- Yes, sir!
- In order to do that,
956
01:04:55,021 --> 01:04:57,154
I have a very important
mission for you.
957
01:04:57,284 --> 01:04:59,286
I need you to
find me some skanks.
958
01:05:00,287 --> 01:05:02,289
- [woman moaning]
- Well, I'm sorry Kaitlin,
959
01:05:02,420 --> 01:05:05,989
but it's your turn for guard
duty. No more special treatment.
960
01:05:06,119 --> 01:05:10,558
- [moaning]
- Nothing personal, corporal.
961
01:05:10,689 --> 01:05:12,343
Just be there.
962
01:05:13,605 --> 01:05:15,389
It's set. Think you can
get your friends to go along?
963
01:05:15,520 --> 01:05:17,914
[muffled] They'll do
whatever I tell them to do.
964
01:05:18,044 --> 01:05:20,177
They'll do whatever
I tell them to do.
965
01:05:20,307 --> 01:05:25,922
- Awesome.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!
966
01:05:26,052 --> 01:05:30,839
- Oh, Satan!
- [Dirk moans]
967
01:05:30,970 --> 01:05:34,669
- Oh!
- What? What are you doing?
968
01:05:34,800 --> 01:05:38,804
- Don't stop!
- Outta ammo.
969
01:05:38,935 --> 01:05:40,327
Huh?
970
01:05:41,415 --> 01:05:42,764
Hand me your gun.
971
01:05:49,380 --> 01:05:51,077
Ten-hut!
972
01:05:53,514 --> 01:05:54,602
I taught him that.
973
01:06:01,566 --> 01:06:03,220
What's wrong?
974
01:06:04,525 --> 01:06:05,918
It's Dirk.
975
01:06:06,745 --> 01:06:08,834
He knew I was going to
dinner tonight with my father,
976
01:06:08,965 --> 01:06:11,097
and he deliberately
scheduled me for guard duty.
977
01:06:12,272 --> 01:06:14,231
So don't go.
978
01:06:14,361 --> 01:06:17,538
Van, guard duty
isn't something
you can just shrug off.
979
01:06:17,669 --> 01:06:18,626
If you miss it or screw up,
980
01:06:18,757 --> 01:06:21,281
it can ruin your career.
It's serious.
981
01:06:21,412 --> 01:06:25,024
Which is exactly how the
boys and I will treat it.
982
01:06:25,155 --> 01:06:29,072
- You're gonna do it?
- Hey. I know
it's not toilets,
983
01:06:29,202 --> 01:06:31,291
but I think I can handle it.
984
01:06:33,511 --> 01:06:35,208
What? Don't you trust me?
985
01:06:36,296 --> 01:06:37,906
I trust you.
986
01:06:48,743 --> 01:06:50,789
[barking]
987
01:06:53,531 --> 01:06:57,317
[laughing]
988
01:06:57,448 --> 01:06:59,276
But we have dates tonight.
989
01:06:59,406 --> 01:07:00,668
Hot ones.
990
01:07:00,799 --> 01:07:01,974
Irving, trust me.
991
01:07:02,105 --> 01:07:03,889
That sucking
action is not realistic,
992
01:07:04,020 --> 01:07:05,456
no matter what
it says on the box.
993
01:07:05,586 --> 01:07:09,764
I mean real dates this time,
Van. Hot ones.
994
01:07:09,895 --> 01:07:12,202
- Human females?
- Hot ones.
995
01:07:13,464 --> 01:07:15,466
I tell you what.
They can come along.
996
01:07:15,596 --> 01:07:18,599
Yes! Up, up, down, down,
left, right, left, right.
997
01:07:18,730 --> 01:07:20,645
B, A, start!
998
01:07:21,428 --> 01:07:23,561
Now, what exactly
are we guarding?
999
01:07:23,691 --> 01:07:26,868
You will not get inside
Colonel Reardon's Humvee.
1000
01:07:26,999 --> 01:07:31,830
You do not touch the Humvee.
You do not look at the Humvee.
1001
01:07:31,960 --> 01:07:36,095
- Then how are we
supposed to guard the...
- You do not look at the Humvee!
1002
01:07:38,445 --> 01:07:39,664
Now...
1003
01:07:41,274 --> 01:07:45,278
...this guard duty
better come out smooth
as a bran muffin shit,
1004
01:07:46,279 --> 01:07:48,542
or somebody's gonna have
their ass handed to 'em.
1005
01:07:50,327 --> 01:07:54,853
- Any questions?
- Will you be the one
doing the ass handling?
1006
01:07:54,983 --> 01:07:56,898
[snickering]
1007
01:07:58,117 --> 01:08:01,903
Don't worry, Wilder.
Yours is coming.
1008
01:08:06,473 --> 01:08:09,476
I am really starting
to like that guy.
1009
01:08:10,782 --> 01:08:12,740
[indistinct chattering]
1010
01:08:17,354 --> 01:08:20,661
So... how's college?
1011
01:08:20,792 --> 01:08:23,925
It's great. I'm taking
a lot of interesting courses:
1012
01:08:24,056 --> 01:08:27,712
- Military history, psychology.
- You know, Dirk called me
the other day.
1013
01:08:27,842 --> 01:08:29,757
Said you had
broken up with him.
1014
01:08:30,976 --> 01:08:35,589
Yeah, well...
I met somebody else.
1015
01:08:36,068 --> 01:08:39,898
- Hm. He a military man?
- He...
1016
01:08:40,899 --> 01:08:42,770
...respects the military.
1017
01:08:45,033 --> 01:08:48,298
- Ladies.
- Irving!
1018
01:08:48,428 --> 01:08:53,085
You invited the dick girls?
This is a bad idea.
1019
01:08:53,216 --> 01:08:55,218
Van, don't be such a dork!
1020
01:08:57,829 --> 01:09:00,223
- Howdy, heathen.
- Ah!
1021
01:09:03,182 --> 01:09:05,402
Well, honey,
with school and Dirk
1022
01:09:05,532 --> 01:09:07,186
and everything that's
been going on around here,
1023
01:09:07,317 --> 01:09:09,057
I just wanna know one thing:
1024
01:09:09,623 --> 01:09:11,756
- Are you...?
- Yes, Dad. I'm happy.
1025
01:09:11,886 --> 01:09:15,760
That's great. But are you
still on track for
officer training school?
1026
01:09:15,890 --> 01:09:20,112
- [hip-hop plays]
- Ah!
1027
01:09:20,243 --> 01:09:21,853
Whoo!
1028
01:09:21,983 --> 01:09:26,336
Listen, guys. Maybe we should
slow down just a little bit.
1029
01:09:26,466 --> 01:09:29,904
I am Mars, god of war!
1030
01:09:30,035 --> 01:09:33,299
Who amongst you shall
engage in body shots?!
1031
01:09:34,257 --> 01:09:36,259
Whoo!
1032
01:09:36,694 --> 01:09:40,524
Hey, soldier. Wanna fuck?
1033
01:09:40,828 --> 01:09:44,745
Uh... no. Thank you.
1034
01:09:44,876 --> 01:09:46,182
I do anal.
1035
01:09:50,273 --> 01:09:53,406
Corporal Hayes!
As you were, as you were.
1036
01:09:53,537 --> 01:09:55,713
I was on the other side of the
restaurant. I didn't see you.
1037
01:09:55,974 --> 01:09:57,280
It's a pleasure
to meet you, sir.
1038
01:09:57,410 --> 01:09:59,151
The pleasure's mine,
sergeant.
1039
01:09:59,282 --> 01:10:01,545
I didn't realize Ms. Hayes
came from such good stock.
1040
01:10:02,763 --> 01:10:06,506
Well, hopefully, she will
climb a bit higher up
the ladder than I did, sir.
1041
01:10:07,072 --> 01:10:09,727
I have no doubt, sergeant.
Kaitlin is officer material
all the way.
1042
01:10:09,857 --> 01:10:13,034
Her record is flawless.
Say, you're about done here.
1043
01:10:13,165 --> 01:10:14,993
I was heading back to base.
Like a tour?
1044
01:10:15,123 --> 01:10:16,908
You can see your
daughter's unit in action.
1045
01:10:17,996 --> 01:10:20,825
- I don't think that's
such a good idea.
- I'd love to, sir.
1046
01:10:20,955 --> 01:10:22,957
- Dad!
- I'm really proud of you.
1047
01:10:23,088 --> 01:10:24,481
- Aw!
- I'd love to see it.
1048
01:10:24,611 --> 01:10:26,483
- Show off for your old man.
- Please?
1049
01:10:26,613 --> 01:10:27,614
- OK.
- OK.
1050
01:10:27,745 --> 01:10:30,095
- You're gonna enjoy this.
- Thank you, sir.
1051
01:10:32,924 --> 01:10:35,579
Oh, you know what?
I forgot my purse,
so I'll meet you outside, OK?
1052
01:10:35,709 --> 01:10:37,102
All right.
1053
01:10:39,147 --> 01:10:40,323
You know what
I wanna do to you?
1054
01:10:40,453 --> 01:10:42,281
Uh, leave me
alone permanently?
1055
01:10:42,412 --> 01:10:44,805
- Uh-uh.
- Whoa! Hey, watch that!
1056
01:10:44,936 --> 01:10:46,677
Stop! Hey!
1057
01:10:46,807 --> 01:10:47,895
No means no.
1058
01:10:51,159 --> 01:10:53,379
[cell phone rings]
1059
01:10:58,993 --> 01:11:01,257
Come on, Van. Pick up.
1060
01:11:03,041 --> 01:11:05,565
- [gasps]
- Ms. Hayes.
1061
01:11:06,523 --> 01:11:07,698
Shall we?
1062
01:11:12,442 --> 01:11:15,314
- [Van groaning]
- Filthy dog! Come here!
1063
01:11:17,185 --> 01:11:19,275
[hip-hop plays]
1064
01:11:22,539 --> 01:11:27,370
I'm so excited.
You're about to be very proud
about what you'll see. Thi...
1065
01:11:32,897 --> 01:11:35,639
What in God's name?
1066
01:11:37,467 --> 01:11:40,731
Kaitlin,
this is your unit?
1067
01:11:41,906 --> 01:11:43,690
For the last time, no!
1068
01:11:43,821 --> 01:11:45,431
Van?
1069
01:11:48,608 --> 01:11:50,131
You must be Kaitlin's father.
1070
01:11:52,046 --> 01:11:55,572
Corporal Hayes, I thought you
were a better leader than this.
1071
01:11:55,702 --> 01:11:58,488
I thought you were
officer material.
1072
01:11:58,618 --> 01:12:00,968
Do you understand what the
consequences of this will be?
1073
01:12:01,099 --> 01:12:06,409
- Colonel Reardon, I...
- She will accept any
punishment you deem fit, sir.
1074
01:12:06,539 --> 01:12:08,628
Whoa, whoa. Wait.
I can explain.
1075
01:12:09,020 --> 01:12:10,630
Kaitlin, let me explain.
1076
01:12:12,676 --> 01:12:15,505
- Thatta boy, Dirk.
- My pleasure, sir.
1077
01:12:15,896 --> 01:12:19,944
Let's go, Kaitlin. Now.
1078
01:12:20,336 --> 01:12:22,163
You're disgusting.
1079
01:12:25,079 --> 01:12:26,429
Call me.
1080
01:12:30,998 --> 01:12:33,740
You realize it's my duty
to make a report of this.
1081
01:12:34,306 --> 01:12:37,309
Gonna put a pretty big stain
on her pretty little record.
1082
01:12:38,528 --> 01:12:41,313
It's about time
you learn there are some
people you don't fuck with.
1083
01:12:41,444 --> 01:12:47,058
- What do you want from me?
- Isn't it obvious?
I want you gone, out, quit.
1084
01:12:47,188 --> 01:12:51,105
- Runnin' home to Daddy with
your tail between your legs.
- What if I say no?
1085
01:12:51,236 --> 01:12:54,370
Well, then I guess Ms. Hayes'
military career will be coming
1086
01:12:54,500 --> 01:12:56,720
to a rather premature
and ignoble end.
1087
01:12:58,417 --> 01:13:00,724
Tell ya what.
Having some people over
1088
01:13:00,854 --> 01:13:03,074
for dinner tomorrow
to discuss our annual war games.
1089
01:13:03,204 --> 01:13:07,252
Why don't you give me your
decision then. Good seeing you.
1090
01:13:12,997 --> 01:13:15,652
[phone rings]
1091
01:13:15,782 --> 01:13:18,176
[♪ Mobile:
Dusting Down the Stars]
1092
01:13:21,309 --> 01:13:25,270
♪ I look outside
from far above ♪
1093
01:13:25,401 --> 01:13:29,274
♪ I watch you sleep and dream ♪
1094
01:13:29,405 --> 01:13:32,364
♪ Dream out loud ♪
1095
01:13:34,714 --> 01:13:38,675
♪ You say you wish
that you could find ♪
1096
01:13:38,805 --> 01:13:43,593
♪ A guiding light
A guiding hand ♪
1097
01:13:43,723 --> 01:13:47,074
♪ A safer place to stand ♪
1098
01:13:49,381 --> 01:13:54,647
♪ We've never been so close
to be so far ♪
1099
01:13:54,778 --> 01:14:00,479
♪ There's millions of reasons
There is no way out ♪
1100
01:14:00,610 --> 01:14:05,615
♪ Shall we give up so easy? ♪
1101
01:14:05,745 --> 01:14:09,575
♪ Shall we give up so easy? ♪
1102
01:14:12,839 --> 01:14:16,626
♪ Here we are ♪
1103
01:14:16,756 --> 01:14:20,760
♪ Dusting down the stars ♪
1104
01:14:23,241 --> 01:14:27,506
♪ Here we are ♪
1105
01:14:27,637 --> 01:14:31,684
♪ Dusting down the stars ♪
1106
01:14:34,208 --> 01:14:38,082
♪ Here we are ♪
1107
01:14:38,212 --> 01:14:42,303
♪ Dusting down the stars ♪♪
1108
01:14:51,182 --> 01:14:53,532
A Wilder never quits.
1109
01:14:54,359 --> 01:14:56,666
So I said, "I've got
some affirmative action for ya.
1110
01:14:57,275 --> 01:15:00,757
I can affirm that your
dumb-ass kid won't be getting
any action at my school."
1111
01:15:00,887 --> 01:15:02,976
[laughter]
1112
01:15:03,107 --> 01:15:06,327
Yo! Captain Crunch!
1113
01:15:08,025 --> 01:15:10,636
I've made my decision.
I've decided we should
1114
01:15:10,767 --> 01:15:14,292
settle this,
once and for all. Like men.
1115
01:15:14,422 --> 01:15:16,599
No more sneaking,
no more back-stabbing.
1116
01:15:16,729 --> 01:15:19,384
Let's just get it
all right out in the open.
1117
01:15:20,777 --> 01:15:22,648
I don't know what
you're talking about.
1118
01:15:22,779 --> 01:15:24,824
You've got a problem
with my father,
1119
01:15:24,955 --> 01:15:28,828
a problem with my name,
and that's too bad.
1120
01:15:28,959 --> 01:15:34,965
But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit around and
let you and your little... peons
1121
01:15:35,095 --> 01:15:38,359
flush this school down
the toilet, and hurt
the people I care about
1122
01:15:38,490 --> 01:15:40,753
because even though
you dragged her into this,
1123
01:15:40,884 --> 01:15:43,060
this has never really
been about Kaitlin,
1124
01:15:43,190 --> 01:15:45,366
who, on her worst day,
1125
01:15:45,497 --> 01:15:48,631
will be a better officer
than you ever were.
1126
01:15:49,414 --> 01:15:50,676
That girl's got bigger balls
1127
01:15:50,807 --> 01:15:54,201
than you, me
and my freakish dog combined.
1128
01:15:54,985 --> 01:15:59,511
I have had enough of these
little games, Wilder.
1129
01:15:59,642 --> 01:16:03,080
- Get out.
- Games?
1130
01:16:03,210 --> 01:16:05,691
[laughs] You wanna
play games?
1131
01:16:05,822 --> 01:16:09,434
How about one of your
precious little war games? Whoa!
1132
01:16:10,304 --> 01:16:13,438
Loser leaves Coolidge.
For good.
1133
01:16:13,569 --> 01:16:15,483
What do you think
about that?
1134
01:16:16,876 --> 01:16:19,879
I think you're in for an
old-fashioned ass-kicking, son.
1135
01:16:20,401 --> 01:16:23,274
If I was your son,
I'd kick my own ass.
1136
01:16:29,976 --> 01:16:31,499
I'm sorry.
1137
01:16:36,504 --> 01:16:39,377
You're finished, Wilder.
Finished.
1138
01:16:41,248 --> 01:16:44,382
Ms. Hayes, in light
of Mr. Wilder's behavior,
1139
01:16:44,512 --> 01:16:47,777
I am going to remove
last night's incident
from your record,
1140
01:16:47,907 --> 01:16:51,128
and I am giving you my
official recommendation
1141
01:16:51,432 --> 01:16:52,912
for officer training school.
1142
01:16:53,478 --> 01:16:55,436
Thank you, sir.
1143
01:16:55,785 --> 01:16:57,569
But I'm afraid
I'll have to decline.
1144
01:16:58,352 --> 01:17:00,616
The officer training school
only accepts those
1145
01:17:00,746 --> 01:17:02,835
who have received
the most honorable training.
1146
01:17:02,966 --> 01:17:06,056
Your name on my recommendation
would render me ineligible.
1147
01:17:08,014 --> 01:17:11,496
In other words, sir:
Go fuck yourself.
1148
01:17:19,678 --> 01:17:20,853
Kaitlin!
1149
01:17:23,943 --> 01:17:28,992
- Kaitlin...
- I blew it, Dad. I'm so sorry.
1150
01:17:32,691 --> 01:17:34,954
- He's right.
- What?
1151
01:17:35,085 --> 01:17:39,785
Kaitlin, I wanted you
to be a soldier. I still do.
1152
01:17:40,568 --> 01:17:42,701
But if getting there means
having to march in a line
that's crooked,
1153
01:17:42,832 --> 01:17:44,747
then it ain't worth a damn.
1154
01:17:46,313 --> 01:17:49,490
You don't join the army to
follow. You join it to lead.
1155
01:17:50,230 --> 01:17:52,493
And the only way to
lead is to do what's right.
1156
01:17:52,798 --> 01:17:54,060
[sighing]
1157
01:17:55,758 --> 01:17:58,325
[chuckling] That's my girl.
1158
01:18:00,850 --> 01:18:02,765
None of this is gonna work.
1159
01:18:02,895 --> 01:18:05,593
We need a man who actually knows
what the hell he's doing.
1160
01:18:06,551 --> 01:18:08,596
- How about a woman?
- [♪ Hedley: For The Nights
I Can't Remember]
1161
01:18:09,597 --> 01:18:12,688
♪ When no one else
could ever get through ♪
1162
01:18:12,818 --> 01:18:15,691
♪ Holding back
till I come around ♪
1163
01:18:15,821 --> 01:18:19,564
Kaitlin, I swear to God,
I never touched her.
1164
01:18:20,043 --> 01:18:22,698
OK? It was man-rape.
1165
01:18:23,133 --> 01:18:26,397
Save it. I only
wanna know one thing.
1166
01:18:28,007 --> 01:18:30,096
Are you ready to enter
an alliance, neighbor?
1167
01:18:30,227 --> 01:18:32,795
♪ If I was running back
Working full time, so... ♪
1168
01:18:32,925 --> 01:18:37,060
- ♪ I can and I will
-Mm!
1169
01:18:37,190 --> 01:18:40,280
- Kissy face!
- OK.
1170
01:18:40,411 --> 01:18:42,195
Enough of the soft stuff.
1171
01:18:43,370 --> 01:18:46,025
Reardon's got us outnumbered
five to one, so there's no way
1172
01:18:46,156 --> 01:18:49,376
we can take him head on.
We're gonna fight him
on our own terms.
1173
01:18:49,507 --> 01:18:51,291
What do we do?
1174
01:18:51,422 --> 01:18:54,860
We do the only thing you guys
know how to do: We have fun.
1175
01:18:59,430 --> 01:19:02,346
Anyone who loses an armband
will be considered captured.
1176
01:19:03,477 --> 01:19:05,523
Whoever captures the
other team's general wins.
1177
01:19:05,653 --> 01:19:07,873
Reardon's Raiders,
who's your general?
1178
01:19:08,787 --> 01:19:10,876
Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir!
1179
01:19:11,224 --> 01:19:13,096
Your team will
wear the yellow bands.
1180
01:19:14,184 --> 01:19:16,055
Team Maverick,
who's your general?
1181
01:19:19,102 --> 01:19:20,581
[man] That would be me.
1182
01:19:22,758 --> 01:19:25,630
How's it hangin', Chuck?
You miss me?
1183
01:19:28,024 --> 01:19:29,242
Hey.
1184
01:19:30,287 --> 01:19:32,942
Your team will wear
the orange bands.
1185
01:19:34,117 --> 01:19:36,032
The game begins
when you hear the siren.
1186
01:19:37,947 --> 01:19:39,949
I hope you're
prepared, gentlemen.
1187
01:19:40,688 --> 01:19:42,516
Someone's goin' home today.
1188
01:19:45,955 --> 01:19:47,739
All right, let's listen up.
1189
01:19:47,870 --> 01:19:50,960
First squad, take the
left flank, past the lake.
1190
01:19:51,612 --> 01:19:54,572
Second squad, right flank.
1191
01:19:54,702 --> 01:19:57,357
Third squad, head on.
1192
01:19:57,880 --> 01:20:01,709
And our recon team, well, let's
just say they have a head-start.
1193
01:20:02,319 --> 01:20:05,061
- [laughing]
- Lieutenant Arnold,
will stay with me.
1194
01:20:05,191 --> 01:20:07,803
- Corporal Benedict,
you'll guard the Humvee.
- [siren blares]
1195
01:20:07,933 --> 01:20:10,936
There's the siren.
Now let's get these bastards!
1196
01:20:11,067 --> 01:20:12,503
[all] Raiders!
1197
01:20:14,331 --> 01:20:16,463
Got recon
on the radio for ya.
1198
01:20:16,812 --> 01:20:18,814
Recon, report.
Can you see their base?
1199
01:20:18,944 --> 01:20:21,164
- I have a visual, sir.
- What's going on?
1200
01:20:21,294 --> 01:20:23,819
- Shots, sir.
- Jesus Christ.
They're firing at us?
1201
01:20:23,949 --> 01:20:27,431
No, sir. Jell-O shots.
I repeat, Jell-O shots.
1202
01:20:27,561 --> 01:20:29,781
- They've got the blast!
- They have explosives?
1203
01:20:29,912 --> 01:20:33,176
No, sir. The Jell-O shots
with blueberry blast.
1204
01:20:33,306 --> 01:20:36,483
- It's my favorite, sir.
- What the hell's
he talkin' about?
1205
01:20:36,614 --> 01:20:40,487
- Sounds like they're
having a goddamned...
- Party!
1206
01:20:40,618 --> 01:20:44,709
[hip-hop music plays]
1207
01:20:50,758 --> 01:20:52,978
So where did all
this sand come from?
1208
01:20:53,979 --> 01:20:55,851
Thank Sheik Mohammad.
1209
01:20:57,591 --> 01:20:58,723
Who?
1210
01:21:00,420 --> 01:21:01,857
[beeping]
1211
01:21:03,728 --> 01:21:05,425
- How we doin'?
- We're up.
1212
01:21:05,556 --> 01:21:07,036
Think we're in the feed.
1213
01:21:07,166 --> 01:21:09,429
[beeping]
1214
01:21:09,560 --> 01:21:11,127
- Recon report.
- [static]
1215
01:21:11,257 --> 01:21:14,391
Sir! Something's happening
with the monitor.
1216
01:21:14,521 --> 01:21:18,525
Hello. I'm sorry, they can't
come to the phone right now.
1217
01:21:19,526 --> 01:21:20,832
Like to leave a message?
1218
01:21:20,963 --> 01:21:23,095
How the hell did you
eliminate my men?
1219
01:21:23,226 --> 01:21:27,752
Chuck! Eliminate
is such an ugly word.
1220
01:21:27,883 --> 01:21:32,757
Van Wilder rules!
Whoo! Whoo!
1221
01:21:36,195 --> 01:21:38,110
You tell first squad to move in.
1222
01:21:38,241 --> 01:21:40,939
And have Benedict
on stand-by with my Humvee.
1223
01:21:41,070 --> 01:21:43,550
[Dirk on radio]
Corporal Benedict!
1224
01:21:43,681 --> 01:21:46,989
Ah! Yes, sir!
1225
01:21:47,119 --> 01:21:50,688
- Stand by for deployment.
- Yes, sir. You heard him!
1226
01:21:50,818 --> 01:21:53,734
Stand by for deployment!
That way!
1227
01:22:01,612 --> 01:22:03,875
[laughing]
1228
01:22:06,051 --> 01:22:08,793
- Hey, guys!
- Hi!
1229
01:22:10,708 --> 01:22:12,710
[woman] Come skinny-dipping!
1230
01:22:18,542 --> 01:22:19,935
What the hell?
1231
01:22:21,806 --> 01:22:23,982
I seen this in a porno once.
1232
01:22:25,941 --> 01:22:27,594
- Have you seen this before?
- Don't be scared.
1233
01:22:27,725 --> 01:22:29,031
[woman] Jump in, baby.
1234
01:22:35,689 --> 01:22:37,082
Wait for me!
1235
01:22:41,739 --> 01:22:45,090
[all laughing]
1236
01:22:54,708 --> 01:22:57,363
First squad, report.
Report, damn it!
1237
01:22:58,843 --> 01:23:00,192
Sorry about your troops, Chuck.
1238
01:23:00,323 --> 01:23:03,804
But they decided
to make love, not war.
1239
01:23:07,852 --> 01:23:09,419
Son of a bitch!
1240
01:23:10,768 --> 01:23:12,509
Gotta conga.
1241
01:23:12,639 --> 01:23:15,729
[up-tempo music plays]
1242
01:23:25,391 --> 01:23:26,566
Hello!
1243
01:23:26,697 --> 01:23:28,786
Sir, we found their general.
1244
01:23:28,916 --> 01:23:31,571
I hooked myself
into a sand trap.
1245
01:23:31,702 --> 01:23:35,227
Well, don't just stand there.
Capture him, you jackass!
1246
01:23:35,358 --> 01:23:36,707
Grab him!
1247
01:23:41,146 --> 01:23:42,800
Give me the armband, general.
1248
01:23:44,323 --> 01:23:45,890
I told you it was a sand trap.
1249
01:23:46,760 --> 01:23:49,111
[grunting]
1250
01:23:50,329 --> 01:23:51,722
Ladies.
1251
01:23:56,422 --> 01:23:58,555
[grunts]
1252
01:23:58,685 --> 01:24:00,818
I've still got it.
1253
01:24:00,948 --> 01:24:04,952
- Well? Did they get him?
- Not exactly.
1254
01:24:06,519 --> 01:24:09,174
[all cheering]
1255
01:24:11,176 --> 01:24:13,048
- Permission to get angry, sir.
- Denied.
1256
01:24:13,178 --> 01:24:15,311
- [grunts]
- Denied!
1257
01:24:15,441 --> 01:24:16,921
[grunts]
1258
01:24:18,705 --> 01:24:21,143
[rock music plays]
1259
01:24:27,671 --> 01:24:30,065
Wet your whistle?
1260
01:24:32,023 --> 01:24:33,677
Where the hell is third squad?
1261
01:24:33,807 --> 01:24:35,200
They should've
been there by now!
1262
01:24:35,331 --> 01:24:37,376
Hey, Chuck!
I just wanna let ya know.
1263
01:24:37,507 --> 01:24:39,422
Third squad?
Took a little detour.
1264
01:24:40,249 --> 01:24:42,425
Whoo!
1265
01:24:45,950 --> 01:24:48,387
Goddamn you, Wilder! [grunts]
1266
01:24:50,128 --> 01:24:51,608
What are you doin'
standing there?
1267
01:24:51,738 --> 01:24:54,480
Why don't you pussies get out
there and get me Van Wilder?
1268
01:24:54,611 --> 01:24:56,743
Get out there! Move! Move!
1269
01:24:56,874 --> 01:24:59,877
[all shouting]
1270
01:25:01,313 --> 01:25:04,055
[coughing]
1271
01:25:04,186 --> 01:25:06,492
I can't feel
my hair anymore, man.
1272
01:25:06,623 --> 01:25:08,755
That means it's working.
1273
01:25:12,455 --> 01:25:15,110
I wouldn't go any farther
if I were you.
1274
01:25:15,240 --> 01:25:17,416
Yeah, who's
gonna stop us? You?
1275
01:25:23,379 --> 01:25:24,684
Exactly.
1276
01:25:24,815 --> 01:25:26,947
[laughing]
1277
01:25:28,514 --> 01:25:31,126
[screams]
1278
01:25:40,091 --> 01:25:41,266
Is that all you've got?
1279
01:25:46,271 --> 01:25:48,404
[screams]
1280
01:25:48,534 --> 01:25:50,493
[laughing]
1281
01:25:53,757 --> 01:25:56,412
[creaking, cracking]
1282
01:26:10,948 --> 01:26:13,168
[laughing]
1283
01:26:15,996 --> 01:26:20,175
- I'll go after them, sir.
- No! Get me Corporal Benedict.
1284
01:26:20,305 --> 01:26:22,351
We'll take the Humvee
and run right over 'em.
1285
01:26:25,484 --> 01:26:26,833
You're a genius.
1286
01:26:26,964 --> 01:26:28,748
Corporal Benedict.
1287
01:26:28,879 --> 01:26:31,403
[dance music plays]
1288
01:26:33,405 --> 01:26:36,539
Dirk, I already told you,
I love you, man.
1289
01:26:36,669 --> 01:26:39,106
We all love you. Yeah!
1290
01:26:39,237 --> 01:26:41,805
- What?
- It's so soft, sir.
1291
01:26:41,935 --> 01:26:43,981
Have you felt the helmets?
1292
01:26:44,111 --> 01:26:47,854
Ah! Rub your helmet with me.
It's so soft.
1293
01:26:47,985 --> 01:26:50,596
You fucking fruitcake!
1294
01:26:50,727 --> 01:26:52,337
[walkie crashing]
1295
01:26:53,947 --> 01:26:57,037
- What was that?
- Don't ask, don't tell.
1296
01:26:58,343 --> 01:27:00,998
OK, Chuck. We got your boys.
1297
01:27:01,128 --> 01:27:04,044
Why don't you
and little Dirky surrender
and join the party.
1298
01:27:04,175 --> 01:27:07,700
Never. Surrender?
Surrender?
1299
01:27:07,831 --> 01:27:10,964
Ha! I'd rather see
my uncle naked again.
1300
01:27:11,791 --> 01:27:13,706
[glass shatters]
1301
01:27:13,837 --> 01:27:15,273
Ew.
1302
01:27:17,232 --> 01:27:19,059
It was an accident.
1303
01:27:19,190 --> 01:27:22,062
If you want me, Wilder,
you have to come and get me.
1304
01:27:23,847 --> 01:27:26,023
- Shall we?
- Let's.
1305
01:27:26,153 --> 01:27:28,504
[♪ Arkells:
Oh, The Boss is Coming!]
1306
01:27:28,634 --> 01:27:31,637
Get out there
and stop them! Now!
1307
01:27:31,768 --> 01:27:34,901
Go! He's a little pissant!
1308
01:27:36,599 --> 01:27:39,471
- Let me go with you.
- Sorry, Dad,
1309
01:27:39,602 --> 01:27:42,605
but this is one fight
I need to finish on my own.
1310
01:27:45,956 --> 01:27:48,480
- Go get him.
- Let's do it.
1311
01:27:52,092 --> 01:27:54,791
♪ Oh, the boss is coming ♪
1312
01:27:54,921 --> 01:27:57,533
♪ You better look busy ♪
1313
01:27:57,663 --> 01:28:01,580
♪ They aren't
paying you for nothing ♪
1314
01:28:01,711 --> 01:28:03,060
There's the base!
1315
01:28:08,544 --> 01:28:12,548
Kaitlin. I knew
you'd come back for me.
1316
01:28:12,678 --> 01:28:15,855
What do you say
I go high, you go low?
1317
01:28:15,986 --> 01:28:18,641
No. This asshole's all mine.
1318
01:28:18,771 --> 01:28:21,426
- Go.
- You sure?
1319
01:28:21,557 --> 01:28:23,254
Yep, I got it.
1320
01:28:28,781 --> 01:28:30,174
Come to papa, honeybear.
1321
01:28:35,092 --> 01:28:36,920
You got nothin'.
1322
01:28:38,051 --> 01:28:40,663
Ooh! [laughs]
1323
01:28:40,793 --> 01:28:44,188
- I could do this all day.
- That'd be a first.
1324
01:28:44,319 --> 01:28:47,322
Your hair smells really nice.
What is that,
Essence of Traitor?
1325
01:28:50,020 --> 01:28:51,151
[laughing]
1326
01:28:57,114 --> 01:28:59,595
- Not so fast.
- Chuck.
1327
01:28:59,725 --> 01:29:00,726
Get up.
1328
01:29:00,857 --> 01:29:03,076
[grunting]
1329
01:29:03,207 --> 01:29:05,340
Hot stuff.
1330
01:29:06,166 --> 01:29:07,559
You smell good.
1331
01:29:07,690 --> 01:29:09,605
I wish you'd fought
this hard in the bedroom.
1332
01:29:09,735 --> 01:29:11,433
[groans]
1333
01:29:14,000 --> 01:29:17,613
See, this is why women will
never make it in the military.
1334
01:29:17,743 --> 01:29:19,528
You got nothin'
between your legs.
1335
01:29:21,399 --> 01:29:23,314
Oh, shit!
1336
01:29:23,445 --> 01:29:25,360
Oh!
1337
01:29:25,490 --> 01:29:28,493
Yeah? Well that makes
two of us, honeybear.
1338
01:29:28,624 --> 01:29:30,060
[groaning]
1339
01:29:34,325 --> 01:29:37,502
Nice BB gun. I got one
just like it at home.
1340
01:29:40,287 --> 01:29:44,161
- Maybe not.
- Let me tell you what's wrong
with you Wilders.
1341
01:29:44,291 --> 01:29:45,728
You think you can
change the world
1342
01:29:45,858 --> 01:29:47,686
just because
people like you.
1343
01:29:48,687 --> 01:29:52,299
Well, here's a tip, son.
People are like cockroaches.
1344
01:29:52,430 --> 01:29:55,433
You crush a few,
the rest will scatter.
1345
01:29:55,564 --> 01:29:57,522
[typing]
1346
01:29:57,653 --> 01:30:00,960
Hm? I'm sorry, what?
I was texting.
1347
01:30:01,091 --> 01:30:04,442
Funny.
But the last laugh is mine.
1348
01:30:04,790 --> 01:30:06,139
[growling]
1349
01:30:10,405 --> 01:30:12,711
- Goddamn dog!
- [growls]
1350
01:30:13,843 --> 01:30:15,540
Ah! [grunts]
1351
01:30:16,411 --> 01:30:19,675
Like I said,
nobody screws my pooch.
1352
01:30:21,241 --> 01:30:23,505
- Sit!
- [thudding]
1353
01:30:23,635 --> 01:30:25,115
Good boy.
1354
01:30:25,768 --> 01:30:28,248
[up-tempo music plays]
1355
01:30:30,337 --> 01:30:33,906
- [all shouting]
- Orange team wins!
1356
01:30:34,037 --> 01:30:36,735
[cheering]
1357
01:30:39,346 --> 01:30:41,914
Wilder! This isn't over.
1358
01:30:42,045 --> 01:30:44,569
And if you think I'm quitting,
you are screwed in the head.
1359
01:30:44,700 --> 01:30:49,226
Hey! Listen up!
I am doubling security.
1360
01:30:49,356 --> 01:30:51,010
And I am re-writing
the rule book.
1361
01:30:51,141 --> 01:30:54,710
I'm gonna make the old
Coolidge look like Candyland.
1362
01:30:55,450 --> 01:30:59,889
- And you can't stop me.
- No. But he can.
1363
01:31:02,544 --> 01:31:03,980
Thomas, what the hell
are you doing?
1364
01:31:04,110 --> 01:31:06,199
You can't side with him.
He's not one of us.
1365
01:31:06,330 --> 01:31:07,810
You made your bed, soldier.
1366
01:31:07,940 --> 01:31:10,073
Now you're gonna
have to sleep in it.
1367
01:31:10,377 --> 01:31:12,771
Officer! Get him outta here.
1368
01:31:12,902 --> 01:31:15,948
Hey, I'm not goin' anywhere.
Remember who
stamps your paycheck.
1369
01:31:16,079 --> 01:31:18,473
- Are you resisting arrest?
- You're damned right I am!
1370
01:31:18,603 --> 01:31:20,213
Thank you.
1371
01:31:20,779 --> 01:31:23,042
[screaming]
1372
01:31:23,434 --> 01:31:25,915
This is for puttin' up
with your bullshit.
1373
01:31:26,698 --> 01:31:29,788
- And this...
- [screaming]
1374
01:31:29,919 --> 01:31:32,748
...is for denying
my kid's admission.
1375
01:31:32,878 --> 01:31:35,315
How affirmative
is that action, bitch?
1376
01:31:35,446 --> 01:31:38,275
[reggae music plays]
1377
01:31:43,541 --> 01:31:46,979
Corporal, those were about
some of the most outrageous
tactics I've ever seen.
1378
01:31:49,025 --> 01:31:52,245
I'll be sure to note that
in my recommendation
for officer training school.
1379
01:31:58,295 --> 01:32:02,604
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe I'll engage in
a body shot.
1380
01:32:08,479 --> 01:32:10,307
I'm proud of you, son.
1381
01:32:10,437 --> 01:32:12,265
[both] Hey.
1382
01:32:12,396 --> 01:32:15,617
Van! I'd like you
to meet Stephen Walker,
my head of security.
1383
01:32:18,576 --> 01:32:22,319
Mr. Wilder, I'm hereby
tendering my resignation
for this assignment.
1384
01:32:23,320 --> 01:32:26,932
- Very good.
- It's been the utmost pleasure
working with you, sir.
1385
01:32:27,063 --> 01:32:29,674
- Yeah.
- Great work, Steve.
1386
01:32:29,805 --> 01:32:32,459
I'll see you back at
the office, all right? Good.
1387
01:32:33,591 --> 01:32:35,332
[crowd chanting]
Go, go, go, go,
1388
01:32:35,462 --> 01:32:38,988
- go, go, go, go, go!
- [cheering]
1389
01:32:39,118 --> 01:32:40,555
Yeah!
1390
01:32:40,685 --> 01:32:43,601
- So, what do you think?
- About what?
1391
01:32:43,732 --> 01:32:47,823
Oh, I think you've
proven yourself here.
Wanna come to work with me?
1392
01:32:47,953 --> 01:32:51,348
Actually, I've been
giving it a lot of thought,
1393
01:32:51,478 --> 01:32:53,655
and I've decided
to stay in school.
1394
01:32:53,785 --> 01:32:58,834
A smart man once told me
that tradition is something
you just don't break.
1395
01:33:01,010 --> 01:33:02,577
Write that down.
1396
01:33:03,316 --> 01:33:04,579
Let's go.
1397
01:33:13,239 --> 01:33:15,677
So you wanna get
outta here?
1398
01:33:15,807 --> 01:33:19,245
- And miss the party?
- Trust me.
1399
01:33:20,246 --> 01:33:21,726
There'll be more.
1400
01:33:28,690 --> 01:33:31,606
Wait. Where's
that batty boy, Dirk?
1401
01:33:33,695 --> 01:33:36,088
Sir, I don't mean
to alarm you, but, uh,
1402
01:33:36,219 --> 01:33:39,526
- something's about to come up.
- What do you mean,
something's about to...?
1403
01:33:39,657 --> 01:33:41,572
- [thudding]
- Stand down, corporal!
1404
01:33:41,703 --> 01:33:42,791
- I can't.
- Stand...
1405
01:33:42,921 --> 01:33:45,271
- [popping]
- [screaming]
1406
01:33:45,402 --> 01:33:48,448
[continues screaming]
1407
01:33:48,579 --> 01:33:51,016
[♪ Mobile: Out of My Head]
1408
01:33:54,237 --> 01:33:56,413
♪ Come on over ♪
1409
01:33:56,543 --> 01:33:59,372
[Kaitlin] Remember
I said the best things
are worth waiting for?
1410
01:33:59,503 --> 01:34:02,114
- [Van] Yeah.
- [Kaitlin] I think
I've waited long enough.
1411
01:34:02,245 --> 01:34:05,248
Whoa! Van! [laughs]
1412
01:34:05,378 --> 01:34:10,209
Van, what are you doing?
Put that away. [laughs]
1413
01:34:10,340 --> 01:34:13,299
You're insane, not here.
[laughs]
1414
01:34:13,430 --> 01:34:16,041
♪ I should've stayed up
till the break of dawn ♪
1415
01:34:16,172 --> 01:34:18,653
♪ Ever since
our eyes did meet ♪
1416
01:34:26,182 --> 01:34:29,315
[trumpet fanfare playing]
1417
01:34:38,107 --> 01:34:41,414
Now all this stuff
you've heard about Coolidge
1418
01:34:41,545 --> 01:34:44,243
not wanting to party
is a lot of doggy dung.
1419
01:34:44,374 --> 01:34:45,767
- Stand down!
- I can't.
1420
01:34:45,897 --> 01:34:48,030
- I'm flanking your asshole.
- Ow!
1421
01:34:49,292 --> 01:34:50,859
[indistinct]
1422
01:34:50,989 --> 01:34:53,252
[people laughing]
1423
01:34:53,383 --> 01:34:54,645
Do you have any poison?
1424
01:34:54,776 --> 01:34:56,647
- You're tearing it.
- Oh, my God.
1425
01:34:56,778 --> 01:34:58,475
I'm gonna need stitches.
1426
01:34:58,605 --> 01:35:00,912
...with some
testosterone-pumping,
1427
01:35:01,043 --> 01:35:04,263
pituitary-fucking
Neanderthal,
1428
01:35:04,394 --> 01:35:07,702
then they are 100...
Fuck me.
1429
01:35:07,832 --> 01:35:11,270
[screaming]
Fuck, that scared me!
1430
01:35:11,401 --> 01:35:13,708
- [laughing] OK.
- Let's fuck.
1431
01:35:15,492 --> 01:35:17,842
- [man over loudspeaker]
Take your shirt off...
- [laughing]
1432
01:35:22,760 --> 01:35:25,371
- [man] Cut!
- [both giggling]
1433
01:35:25,502 --> 01:35:28,592
[giggling]
1434
01:35:28,723 --> 01:35:31,290
Now, I'm not saying
this is gonna be easy.
1435
01:35:32,291 --> 01:35:36,121
Some of us may fall
so that all of us may ball.
1436
01:35:36,252 --> 01:35:39,777
Oh, easy there, easy. Those are
big ol' colonel balls, honey.
1437
01:35:39,908 --> 01:35:41,910
This a new experience for you?
1438
01:35:42,867 --> 01:35:46,653
Yeah. I usually
use my old balls.
1439
01:35:46,784 --> 01:35:49,569
They old colonel...
Big round colonel balls.
1440
01:35:49,700 --> 01:35:54,531
Hey, when I'm off camera,
I'm just gonna show 'em my
old balls!
1441
01:35:54,661 --> 01:35:59,362
- You gotta admit though,
this is kinda romantic.
- [groaning]
1442
01:35:59,492 --> 01:36:03,453
Hey, watch those teeth. Or take
'em out before you do anything.
1443
01:36:03,583 --> 01:36:07,196
Who's my big bad boy? Hm?
1444
01:36:08,240 --> 01:36:09,764
I'm your big bad boy.
1445
01:36:11,853 --> 01:36:14,420
[groaning] Oh, God. I haven't
been this uncomfortable since
Catholic school.
1446
01:36:14,551 --> 01:36:18,685
Feel good. Yeah, feels good.
That's how you say it but I say
feels good.
1447
01:36:20,731 --> 01:36:24,561
[shuddering]
You know my spot, Lieutenant.
1448
01:36:24,691 --> 01:36:28,304
Holy shit! That thing pops!
1449
01:36:28,434 --> 01:36:30,001
College is a team.
1450
01:36:30,872 --> 01:36:34,745
It lives, eats, drinks, and if
you're lucky, humps as a team.
1451
01:36:35,528 --> 01:36:39,228
I love the smell of gasoline
in the morning.
1452
01:36:39,358 --> 01:36:41,099
[indistinct]
1453
01:36:41,230 --> 01:36:42,797
You wanna go back to my house
and eat some yogurt
1454
01:36:42,927 --> 01:36:44,842
and watch Mean Girls?
1455
01:36:44,973 --> 01:36:47,105
Yeah, Mean Girlsis all right,
but the guy in it sucks.
1456
01:36:47,236 --> 01:36:48,411
I think he's dreamy.
1457
01:36:48,541 --> 01:36:52,545
- [mumbling]
- [laughing] What?
1458
01:36:52,676 --> 01:36:55,548
So, you wanna go back to my
house, grab a bottle of Shiraz,
1459
01:36:55,679 --> 01:36:57,507
and maybe flip on The Hills?
1460
01:36:57,637 --> 01:36:59,770
No, I hate those bitches.
1461
01:36:59,901 --> 01:37:03,861
- He knew I was going
to dinner tonight with...
- [laughing]
1462
01:37:03,992 --> 01:37:06,646
I think Brody Jenner's your
competition for jawline of
the year.
1463
01:37:06,777 --> 01:37:08,344
I'm gonna jerk off right here,
1464
01:37:08,474 --> 01:37:10,825
pull it out, and just jerk off
in front of you, is that OK?
1465
01:37:10,955 --> 01:37:14,219
You rick my dick,
'cause you like taste.
1466
01:37:14,350 --> 01:37:15,830
Turn around, turn around.
1467
01:37:15,960 --> 01:37:17,962
You mother-fucker,
asshole dick-a-licker!
1468
01:37:18,093 --> 01:37:20,965
- I've got 13 Going on 30.
- I've seen it.
1469
01:37:21,096 --> 01:37:22,619
I'll watch it again.
Ruffalo's the bomb.
1470
01:37:22,749 --> 01:37:23,707
Yeah, he's awesome.
1471
01:37:23,838 --> 01:37:25,274
You asshole dick-a-licka!
1472
01:37:25,404 --> 01:37:28,799
It could be like this.
You and me, always.
1473
01:37:30,366 --> 01:37:33,325
What do you say, once we get
loose we find a little pup tent
and fuck for a week?
1474
01:37:34,326 --> 01:37:36,459
Robert Levy's not paying me
enough to show my penis.
1475
01:37:36,589 --> 01:37:39,810
- Is that sweat?
- No, that's pre-cum.
1476
01:37:39,941 --> 01:37:42,247
You gotta eat dirt
before you drink champagne.
1477
01:37:43,466 --> 01:37:47,339
Sometimes, you've got to stand
up as a man before you can lie
down with a woman.
1478
01:37:47,470 --> 01:37:49,951
You gotta get your guard on
before your hard on.
1479
01:37:50,908 --> 01:37:54,433
- Nothing, hold on a second.
- [moaning]
1480
01:37:54,564 --> 01:37:55,957
Wait, hold on.
1481
01:37:56,087 --> 01:37:57,959
What do you tell a woman
with two black eyes?
1482
01:37:58,089 --> 01:37:59,525
Nothing.
You already told her twice.
1483
01:37:59,656 --> 01:38:03,181
[moaning]
1484
01:38:11,494 --> 01:38:12,974
[groaning]
1485
01:38:15,454 --> 01:38:16,891
[groaning]
1486
01:38:18,936 --> 01:38:20,111
[groaning]
1487
01:38:22,592 --> 01:38:26,726
[yelling, moaning]
1488
01:38:30,382 --> 01:38:33,559
[yelling, sighing]
1489
01:38:34,647 --> 01:38:35,910
Hand me your gun!
1490
01:38:39,130 --> 01:38:42,133
I can't quit you.
1491
01:39:21,259 --> 01:39:24,001
[dance music plays]
1492
01:39:25,872 --> 01:39:28,092
♪ Come on
Put the toys away ♪
1493
01:39:28,223 --> 01:39:31,617
♪ Put the toys away
I got you, girl ♪
1494
01:39:35,273 --> 01:39:38,929
♪ Feel my vibration
Them pretty city girls ♪
1495
01:39:39,060 --> 01:39:43,847
♪ They don't mess around
with gritty city boys ♪
1496
01:39:43,978 --> 01:39:46,850
♪ Them pretty city girls ♪
1497
01:39:46,981 --> 01:39:49,984
♪ Got a box full
of them dirty, dirty toys ♪
1498
01:39:50,114 --> 01:39:52,812
♪ Dirty toys
Dirty, dirty toys ♪
1499
01:39:52,943 --> 01:39:56,338
♪ How you doin', girl?
You lookin' fine ♪
1500
01:39:56,468 --> 01:40:00,255
♪ You make me wanna creep up
Freak you from behind ♪
1501
01:40:00,385 --> 01:40:04,172
♪ She feel the buzzin'
as the buzzer make the slide ♪
1502
01:40:04,302 --> 01:40:07,871
♪ I feel her cousin
I'm a bring her for the ride ♪
1503
01:40:08,002 --> 01:40:11,701
♪ I got her full attention
It's like we're in detention ♪
1504
01:40:11,831 --> 01:40:15,400
♪ Just use your concentration
Girl, you feel my vibration ♪
1505
01:40:15,531 --> 01:40:17,663
♪ Them pretty city girls ♪
1506
01:40:17,794 --> 01:40:22,799
♪ They don't mess around
with gritty city boys ♪
1507
01:40:22,929 --> 01:40:25,497
♪ Them pretty city girls ♪
1508
01:40:25,628 --> 01:40:28,674
♪ Got a box full
of them dirty, dirty toys ♪
1509
01:40:28,805 --> 01:40:30,720
♪ Dirty toys
Dirty, dirty toys ♪
1510
01:40:30,850 --> 01:40:33,331
♪ Pretty city girls ♪
1511
01:40:33,462 --> 01:40:36,334
♪ Got a box full
of them dirty, dirty toys ♪
1512
01:40:36,465 --> 01:40:40,382
♪ Dirty toys
Dirty, dirty toys ♪♪
109764
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