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Everything starts somewhere,
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although many physicists disagree.
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There is the constant desire to find out where,
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where is the point where it all began?
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But much, much later than that
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the Discworld was formed.
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Drifting onwards through space
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atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle
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the great A'tuin.
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It was sometime after its creation
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when most people forgot
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that the very oldest stories at the beginning are
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sooner or later
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about blood.
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At least, that's one theory.
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The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis:
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things just happen, what the hell.
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And so our story begins in Ankh-Morpork
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the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork
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the biggest city in Discworld.
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A city, where magic is just another job
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and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for wizards
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looms over all the dark, narrow streets.
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Our story begins on a mid-winter festival
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very remarkable similarity to your Christmas.
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And so... it was the night before Hogswatch.
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...and then Jack chops down what's the world's last beanstalk
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adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement
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and trespass charges already mentioned,
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and all the Giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore.
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But he got away with it and lived happily ever after
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without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done.
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Which proves that you can be excused just about anything
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if you're a hero
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because noone asks inconvenient questions.
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And now, it's time for bed.
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- Susan!
- Yes?
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You know last week we wrote letters to the Hogfather?
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- Yes?
- Well, did he really got them?
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And when's he coming here?
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Does it matter, if you get the presents anyway?
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Yes.
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Well, if you don't believe in the Hogfather, there won't be any presents.
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Thought so.
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But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the belief
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that a jolly, fat man is about to deliver their presents,
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not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit.
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Especially in a city where there is a guild for everything.
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Khm!
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The doors are locked, the windows are barred
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the dog does not appear to have woken up
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the squeaky floorboards haven't.
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I really doubt that you are a ghost
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and gods, generally, do not anounce themselves so politely.
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You could, of course, be Death, but I don't believe he bothers with such niceties.
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Besides, I am feeling quite well.
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Good evening.
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Good evening, Lord Downey.
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You wish someone inhumed?
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Brought to an end.
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Our scale of fees...
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The payment will be three million dollars.
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No questions asked, I assume.
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No questions answered.
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We need to know your name, or names, in strict client confidentiality, of course.
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You may think of us as the Auditors.
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Really? What do you audit?
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Everything. We maintain the logical order of the Universe.
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We need to know a little more than that.
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We are the people with three million dollars.
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We need to know when, where and, of course, who.
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The location is not on any map, and we need the task to be completed by sunrise tomorrow.
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This is essential.
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As for the who, let us call him...
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the Fat Man.
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But won't he be out on his round?
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Ho, ho, ho!
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How would the Fat Man be inhumed?
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A glass of poisoned sherry, perhaps?
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You find the ways and means.
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How can I contact you?
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We will contact you. We know where you are. We know where everyone is.
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Winvoe, is Mr. Teatime still in the building?
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Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter! Up Tusker! Up, Snouter! Giddyup!
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Go away! I don't do that stuff anymore.
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Yes, Twyla?
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I'm afraid of the monster in the cellar, Susan. It's going to eat me up.
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What, again?
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Ye gawds, there's a gel out here with a poker!
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What are you doing?
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Twyla said she's afraid of the monster in the cellar, Mrs. Gaiter.
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- And you're going to attack it with a poker, eh?
- Yes.
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Susan's our governess.
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She beats up monsters with a poker?
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Actually, it's a very clever idea.
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My daughter gets into her head there's a monster in the cellar.
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You go in with the poker and make a few bashing noises while the child listens,
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and then everything is all right!
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Is that what you're doing, Susan?
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Yes, Mrs. Gaiter.
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This I've got to watch, by Io! Not everyday you see monsters beaten up by a gel!
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Come in, Mr. Teatime!
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Ah, Carter, just put it on the table over there, will you.
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Yes, sir. I'm sorry sir, I'll go and fetch under cup directly, sir.
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- What?
- Your visitor, sir.
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What visitor? Oh, for when Mr. Tea-
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Mr. Teatime?
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It's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh, sir.
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The dog seems to like you.
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I get on well with animals, sir.
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I have a report... here that says that you've nailed Sir George's dog to the ceiling.
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I couldn't have it barking while I was working, sir.
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Some people would have drugged it.
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Oh! But I definitely fulfilled the contract.
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I checked Sir George's breathing with a mirror, as instructed.
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Apparently his head was several feet from his body at that point.
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That was all right, wasn't it, sir?
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It... lacked elegance.
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Ah, thank you sir! I'm alwas happy to be corrected. I shall remember that next time.
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It is about the next time that I wish to talk.
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As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?
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You don't have to worry. She always wins.
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Very well done! Very persykological. A clever idea, that bend in the poker.
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I expect you're not afraid anymore, eh, my girl?
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- No.
- Very persykological.
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Susan says, don't get afraid, get angry!
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Er, thank you, Susan!
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And now, if you'd all like to come back to the parlour- I mean, the drawing room.
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Dashed convincing, the way she bent the poker like that.
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- Have they all gone, Twyla?
- Yes, Susan.
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Good.
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That's what we do to monsters. Now, it's back to bed for you, my girl.
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- Difficult, sir.
- Certainly.
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But I have devoted some time to it, sir.
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You mean you've actually sat down, and thought out how to inhume the Hogfather?
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Oh, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck.
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And Death, sir.
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I suppose I just see things differently from other people.
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We maybe able to see the complaint of Sir George's estate
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against you with regard to his dog rather differently
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and approve your graduation to full membership of the guild
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Take the dark, sir? By black, sir?
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If you agree to undertake this contract.
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With due elegance, of course.
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With elegance guaranteed, sir.
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Er, Mr. Teatime? You have actually applied yourself to a study of ways of killing Death.
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Everyone has their weak point, sir.
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Susan, there's a monster under my bed, again.
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Do the Voice on it! Do the Voice on it!
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No! Not the Voice!
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- Hit it on the head with the poker!
- Not the poker!
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This is a friendly warning, understand, because it's Hogswatch.
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What are you? A witch, or something?
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I'm just... something. Now, you won't be around here again, will you?
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Or we'll put your head under the blanket. It's got fluffy bunnies on it.
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Fluffy bunnies, no!
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GO AWAY, AND STOP BOTHERING ME!
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That wasn't as much fun as the one last month
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you know, the one when you've kicked him in the trousers.
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Just go to sleep now!
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's gone six. He's not coming.
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Good evening.
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Do I have another drink while we wait for the other members of our little
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...troupe.
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- Locks.
- We have a locksmith.
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- Who?
- Mr. Brown.
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And you can help me carry this. It's rather heavy.
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That's a wizard!
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- No, I'm not. I'm incognito.
- Yeah, right.
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Mr. Sideney here is indeed a wizard. A student, anyway.
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This is my brother, Banjo, this is Chickenwire.
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I didn't want to come.
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Mr. Sideney is down on his luck at the moment.
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Hence his willingness to join our little venture.
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What is this? Does it do tricks?
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- It looks like a volcano!
- Really?
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And I suppose we might as well make a start.
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Hello, my name is Violet. And I have been your tooth fairy for this evening.
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There ain't nothing valuable, y'know!
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- Nothing valueable, only a few bags of... t-t- t-t...
- Teeth. I know.
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My name's Teatime. What's your name, sir?
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Ernie. Yes, Ernie.
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Come on, gentlemen! This is my friend, Ernie.
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He's going to be our drive for tonight.
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Put her in the back, Banjo!
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Mister, I ain't allow to carry passangers, y'know.
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Charlie'll give me a right telling-off.
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Don't you worry about that. We're all friends here.
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Our Mom said no hitting girls. Only bad boys do that. Our Mom said...
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Shut it.
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- Shhhh!
- Where to, Mister?
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You know the way, Ernie. Behind the Unseen University.
193
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Where the students of magic are still hard at work on the night before Hogswatch.
194
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It's just a shame we don't have any radiation shielding, Bursar.
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You want radiation shielding, Mr. Stibbons?
196
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Advice from Hex, Bursar.
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As the University won't supply our student an atomic particle accelerator,
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we started to build our own.
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Safety first!
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Dean, have you seen the Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic?
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I need some urgent advice!
202
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Well, ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.
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- Lecturer in Recent Runes?
- Well, you see, it all depends...
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I don't know. In my day, when I was undergraduate I wouldn't have been studying on Hogswatch night.
205
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That's just not natural.
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I'd have been sick twice by now.
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Bursar! Bursar. Then Dean. Oh, there you are!
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Archchancellor!
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Members of the faculty! I've decided, as a Hogswatch present to myself,
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to open up the late Archchancellor Weatherwax's old bathroom.
211
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So I don't have to sluice down with you fellas.
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It's unhygienic. You can catch stuff.
213
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Here, I can't take the lot of you throught the wall.
214
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Listen, Ernie.
215
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Ernie, you will take us through, or, and I say that with very considerable regret,
216
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I'll have to kill you.
217
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But if I take you through...
218
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What's the worst thing that can happent? You lose your job.
219
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Whereas if you don't, you'll die.
220
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Really, Mustrum. I think this is most unwise.
221
00:24:29,565 --> 00:24:31,454
It said in the plans it was a bathroom.
222
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You chaps are all acting as if the room was some kind of torture chamber.
223
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Bathroom, designed by Bloody Stupid Johnson.
224
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Yeah, the late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson was the worst inventor in the world, Archchancellor.
225
00:24:47,319 --> 00:24:50,262
Not everything he made had a horribly fateful flaw.
226
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Think of the thing they are using in the kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example.
227
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You mean the thing with the brass plate on it saying:
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'Improved Manicure Device'?
229
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It's only water. Even old Johnson can't do too much harm with water!
230
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Go to it, lad.
231
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You just chucks it at the wall there, and it goes twing.
232
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Really? May I try?
233
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- Ah, Isn't that nice, eh, our Davey?
- Yeah.
234
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And then you just drive forth?
235
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Oh, yeah, right. Quick, mind, 'cause it only stays open a little while.
236
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Thank you very much, Ernie. Very much, indeed.
237
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Wasn't he dull?
238
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If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?
239
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The Tooth Fairy, huh? Another childish belief.
240
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- Exactly. Very elegant.
- It is.
241
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You have to start somewhere. Once you have their little minds in your grip,
242
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it's good bye, Hogfather!
243
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It's him!
244
00:27:05,604 --> 00:27:07,498
COULD I GIVE YOU A HAND?
245
00:27:08,204 --> 00:27:16,588
Cor, yeah! Here, your fingers are cold, mister!
246
00:27:17,123 --> 00:27:17,902
SORRY.
247
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:24,090
What'd he go and do that for? I did what he said. Could have killed me!
248
00:27:25,937 --> 00:27:26,873
YES.
249
00:27:27,637 --> 00:27:31,404
I always keep a nip on me these cold nights. Keeps me spirits up.
250
00:27:32,928 --> 00:27:34,111
INDEED.
251
00:27:34,781 --> 00:27:36,989
How'm I going to explain all this, then, eh?
252
00:27:38,247 --> 00:27:43,122
SORRY? THAT WAS VERY RUDE OF ME, I WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION.
253
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:48,373
I said what'm I going to tell people? Letting some blokes ride off with my cart neat as you like.
254
00:27:48,864 --> 00:27:50,319
That's gonna be the sack for sure!
255
00:27:52,011 --> 00:27:55,365
THERE AT LEAST I HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS, ERNEST.
256
00:27:57,685 --> 00:28:01,219
AND, THEN AGAIN, I ALSO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
257
00:28:04,218 --> 00:28:06,951
So, I'm dead then.
258
00:28:07,157 --> 00:28:16,781
CORRECT. NOW TELL ME ABOUT THESE BLOKES WHO STOLE YOUR CART.
259
00:28:17,883 --> 00:28:19,804
AND KILLED YOU.
260
00:28:22,232 --> 00:28:25,313
Honestly, Death gets worse than worse.
261
00:28:26,076 --> 00:28:30,077
He seems to like humans. So illogical.
262
00:28:30,531 --> 00:28:35,109
But the beauty of the assassin's plan is that he can't interfere.
263
00:28:36,108 --> 00:28:38,508
But Death can go everywhere.
264
00:28:39,079 --> 00:28:44,922
No. Not quite everywhere.
265
00:30:01,991 --> 00:30:05,351
Great job...
266
00:30:31,795 --> 00:30:38,512
Hello. My name's Teatime. What's yours?
267
00:30:57,461 --> 00:31:03,118
ALBERT. SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT.
268
00:31:07,744 --> 00:31:09,804
Awk! Too right.
269
00:31:42,117 --> 00:31:46,786
This is the mythological persons' room. How come one of them die?
270
00:31:58,518 --> 00:32:04,336
SOUL CAKE DUCK. THE TOOTH FAIRY.
271
00:32:09,649 --> 00:32:11,908
THE HOGFATHER.
272
00:32:14,788 --> 00:32:17,038
OH, DEAR.
273
00:32:21,869 --> 00:32:23,788
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
274
00:32:26,187 --> 00:32:27,601
ALBERT?
275
00:32:32,830 --> 00:32:35,577
WE MAY NOT HAVE MUCH TIME.
276
00:33:22,984 --> 00:33:24,546
I don't know what you're expectinging me to say, but...
277
00:33:26,591 --> 00:33:33,380
Shhh! Questions first. Babble later.
278
00:33:40,288 --> 00:33:46,162
Now, Miss Bottler. I'd like you to think of me as a friend.
279
00:33:54,016 --> 00:33:55,106
How're we doing, Mr. Modo?
280
00:33:55,482 --> 00:33:58,394
The tanks are full, and I've stoked the boilers, Mr Archchancellor, sir!
281
00:33:59,485 --> 00:34:02,234
You can't read the signs on that door, Ridcully?
282
00:34:04,312 --> 00:34:08,376
You mean the sign that says, 'do not under any circumstances open this door'?
283
00:34:10,518 --> 00:34:12,360
Surely, it was sealed up for a reason.
284
00:34:14,027 --> 00:34:15,555
They just wrote that to keep people out.
285
00:34:16,258 --> 00:34:19,793
That's right. That's what people do.
286
00:34:19,828 --> 00:34:21,150
Don't say I didn't warn you!
287
00:34:21,185 --> 00:34:23,307
Hygiene! That's the ticket.
288
00:34:23,961 --> 00:34:25,980
I still haven't worked out where all the pipes lead.
289
00:34:26,750 --> 00:34:29,192
We'll find out. Don't you fear.
290
00:34:39,343 --> 00:34:43,664
Man the pumps, Mr. Modo! Or dwarf them, of course, in your case.
291
00:35:00,815 --> 00:35:05,784
She's a tooth fairy. But she's not THE Tooth Fairy. Shhh!
292
00:35:14,305 --> 00:35:16,677
What did you expect in the Tooth Fairy's castle?
293
00:35:19,340 --> 00:35:20,690
T'is just the creepiest thing I've ever...
294
00:35:21,439 --> 00:35:25,774
You don't have to think. You just have to do what I've said.
295
00:35:27,214 --> 00:35:31,039
- All of them?
- Every last one.
296
00:35:33,402 --> 00:35:35,838
- Put 'em in a pile?
- That's millions.
297
00:35:37,069 --> 00:35:42,965
Mr. Brown. I want you to unlock every door you can find.
298
00:35:55,879 --> 00:35:57,370
What's this really all about?
299
00:36:09,495 --> 00:36:17,829
Does he believe in things like the Soul Cake Duck? The Sandman? The Tooth Fairy?
300
00:36:20,772 --> 00:36:24,502
Yeah. Even the Hogfather.
301
00:36:26,442 --> 00:36:30,627
'Cause after we're finished here, not even he will.
302
00:36:47,948 --> 00:36:54,456
ONWARDS, BINKY, TO THE HOGFATHER'S CASTLE OF BONES.
303
00:37:19,890 --> 00:37:23,506
First Hogswatch off in thousand years!
304
00:37:25,380 --> 00:37:30,857
Even if I'm going to have the mother of all hangovers in the morning.
305
00:38:13,770 --> 00:38:17,768
And how can the Hogfather bring you the presents to all at the same time?
306
00:38:18,205 --> 00:38:20,985
Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.
307
00:38:21,547 --> 00:38:25,394
- Look, you've always believed in the Hogfather, yes?
- Yes...
308
00:38:25,642 --> 00:38:28,235
Well, if you don't believe in him, he won't come down the chimney.
309
00:38:29,531 --> 00:38:31,222
It's a very small chimney.
310
00:38:31,257 --> 00:38:34,351
And a very small stocking if you don't go to sleep!
311
00:40:43,905 --> 00:40:52,495
...SOOT... PORKPIE... OH, YES. AND...
312
00:40:56,605 --> 00:40:58,247
HO, HO, HO.
313
00:41:38,363 --> 00:41:41,114
There's a tap in there marked 'Old Faithful'...
314
00:41:46,813 --> 00:41:51,768
which I think, perhaps, we might leave alone for now.
315
00:41:53,335 --> 00:41:57,036
This is a most perculiar Hogswatch.
316
00:42:03,846 --> 00:42:06,145
Any mustard? They're a treat with mustard.
317
00:42:09,382 --> 00:42:10,904
APPLESAUCE.
318
00:42:27,989 --> 00:42:31,130
I'M FINDING THE BEARD A BIT OF A TRIAL.
319
00:42:31,694 --> 00:42:34,570
Well, at least it's keeping you in the right frame of mind, master.
320
00:42:34,913 --> 00:42:36,556
In character, sort of thing.
321
00:42:37,226 --> 00:42:41,623
BUT GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY? WHERE'S THE SENSE IN THAT?
322
00:42:43,510 --> 00:42:48,319
It's got to be chimneys. A bit like the beard, really.
323
00:42:50,148 --> 00:42:55,058
D'you think these little buggers'd be writing to someone who could walk through walls if they knew?
324
00:42:56,605 --> 00:42:57,762
Oh, that reminds me.
325
00:42:58,045 --> 00:43:01,934
The 'Ho, ho, ho' could use some more work, if you don't mind me saying so.
326
00:43:03,033 --> 00:43:05,158
HO, HO, HO?
327
00:43:05,638 --> 00:43:06,879
No, no, no!
328
00:43:08,511 --> 00:43:10,907
No, you got to put a bit more life in it, sir.
329
00:43:11,935 --> 00:43:13,576
No offense intended.
330
00:43:15,157 --> 00:43:16,737
You gotta got to be a big, fat laugh, sir.
331
00:43:17,754 --> 00:43:23,398
You know, like... ho-hoo, ho, ho, ho, ho!, see?
332
00:43:24,035 --> 00:43:28,526
You got to sound like you're pissing brandy and crapping plum pudding, sir.
333
00:43:28,899 --> 00:43:30,317
If you pardon my Klatchian.
334
00:43:31,628 --> 00:43:35,038
REALLY? HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?
335
00:43:35,808 --> 00:43:37,753
Well, I used to be young meself once, sir.
336
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:40,868
Surprising as it may seem.
337
00:43:56,211 --> 00:43:57,411
The teeth give me the creeps.
338
00:43:57,817 --> 00:43:58,783
Just keep going!
339
00:43:59,307 --> 00:44:00,363
Why do we pile them all up?
340
00:44:00,661 --> 00:44:01,564
You don't wanna know.
341
00:44:03,278 --> 00:44:04,297
The quicker all the teeth are in the pile,
342
00:44:04,332 --> 00:44:05,697
the quicker we are out of here with our money.
343
00:44:07,339 --> 00:44:10,044
No one ever laid a punch on Banjo since our Mom died.
344
00:44:12,311 --> 00:44:13,372
Tough but fair, huh?
345
00:44:14,519 --> 00:44:17,280
You know, I recall that time she strangled Glossy Ron with his own leg.
346
00:44:18,139 --> 00:44:18,826
Yeah.
347
00:44:22,780 --> 00:44:24,343
Maybe the both of us could creep up on him and...
348
00:44:24,378 --> 00:44:26,219
Yeah!
349
00:44:29,731 --> 00:44:34,843
I keep thinking of that glass eye watching me. I keep thinking it can see right in my head.
350
00:44:35,363 --> 00:44:37,561
Don't worry, he doesn't know what you're thinking.
351
00:44:37,596 --> 00:44:38,654
Well, how do you know?
352
00:44:40,653 --> 00:44:41,969
You're still alive.
353
00:44:49,050 --> 00:44:51,049
These damn eyeballs are hard, aren't they?
354
00:44:51,288 --> 00:44:53,007
They're walnuts, not eyeballs.
355
00:45:02,137 --> 00:45:04,220
I don't want you back in my life, understand?
356
00:45:06,667 --> 00:45:08,341
Don't say you've never been warned.
357
00:45:11,789 --> 00:45:12,869
Warned?
358
00:45:19,573 --> 00:45:20,541
Did you check the list?
359
00:45:21,669 --> 00:45:24,619
COULD NOT REALLY MAKE HEAD NOR TAIL OF IT, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
360
00:45:25,656 --> 00:45:29,199
I DON'T NORMALLY CARE IF THEY'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE.
361
00:45:35,604 --> 00:45:39,415
I CAN FEEL BELIEF IN THE HOGFATHER FADING.
362
00:45:40,471 --> 00:45:40,919
What's that?
363
00:45:41,704 --> 00:45:43,200
IT LOOKS VERY BAD.
364
00:45:43,809 --> 00:45:46,138
No, no, it's just there's some nibling it, that's all.
365
00:45:46,668 --> 00:45:51,011
I MEAN THE SITUATION. I FEAR WE MAY BE TOO LATE.
366
00:45:54,563 --> 00:45:57,438
Never say die, master. That's our motto.
367
00:45:59,593 --> 00:46:02,646
I CAN'T SAY IT'S EVER REALLY BEEN MINE.
368
00:46:33,783 --> 00:46:35,066
You'd better watch out!
369
00:46:36,535 --> 00:46:39,181
Because if the Hogfather still comes to town,
370
00:46:39,813 --> 00:46:42,801
as a result of a magical misjudgement on your part,
371
00:46:43,096 --> 00:46:46,236
then you'd no longer be my friend, Mr. Sideney.
372
00:46:46,464 --> 00:46:49,054
I understand, sir.
373
00:46:51,286 --> 00:46:55,551
Do you have a lot of friends, Mr. Sideney?
374
00:46:57,814 --> 00:47:01,254
Well, quite a few, actually.
375
00:47:03,830 --> 00:47:09,252
I don't have many. Don't seem to have the knack. On the other hand...
376
00:47:10,472 --> 00:47:13,065
I don't seem to have any enemies at all.
377
00:47:16,801 --> 00:47:20,510
It's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir.
378
00:47:21,708 --> 00:47:32,585
- That is, very subtle. And will make the pile of teeth very...
- Mr. Teatime!
379
00:47:34,678 --> 00:47:35,772
...dangerous.
380
00:47:39,193 --> 00:47:42,371
Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.
381
00:47:43,006 --> 00:47:46,319
It is supposed to be jolly, with mistletoe and holly. And other things...
382
00:47:47,287 --> 00:47:48,877
ending in -olly.
383
00:47:50,181 --> 00:47:52,714
It's a time when people are meant to feel good about things
384
00:47:53,086 --> 00:47:54,631
and eat until they explode.
385
00:47:54,878 --> 00:47:58,191
A time when they want to see all their... relatives.
386
00:47:59,538 --> 00:48:02,284
I mean it's a time when humans are really human.
387
00:48:02,319 --> 00:48:06,536
And they don't want... a skeleton at the feast.
388
00:48:07,601 --> 00:48:10,587
Especially one, I might add, who is wearing a false beard,
389
00:48:10,819 --> 00:48:14,129
and has got a damn cushion shoved up his robe.
390
00:48:14,941 --> 00:48:16,039
I mean, why?
391
00:48:16,965 --> 00:48:20,640
ALBERT SAID IT WOULD HELP ME GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE THING.
392
00:48:24,828 --> 00:48:29,173
This is a real job. And I was looking forward to a real Hogswatch,
393
00:48:29,374 --> 00:48:33,226
when normal things happen, with normal people, in a normal house.
394
00:48:34,262 --> 00:48:36,641
And suddenly, the old circus comes to town!
395
00:48:37,298 --> 00:48:40,441
Well, I don't know what's going on, but you can just leave, right now.
396
00:48:47,641 --> 00:48:49,889
- Albert!
- Bugger it.
397
00:48:51,517 --> 00:48:54,159
Master, I'm stuck.
398
00:48:55,931 --> 00:49:00,339
The pixie. Oh, come along in, do!
399
00:49:01,446 --> 00:49:05,140
If the real Hogfather doesn't turn up soon there's not going to be enough room for him.
400
00:49:06,986 --> 00:49:08,703
HE WON'T BE JOINING US.
401
00:49:10,976 --> 00:49:12,034
So what have you turned up for?
402
00:49:13,032 --> 00:49:17,529
And if it's for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste.
403
00:49:25,518 --> 00:49:29,581
THE HOGFATHER IS UNAVAILABLE.
404
00:49:31,508 --> 00:49:33,954
- At Hogswatch?
- YES.
405
00:49:36,161 --> 00:49:37,095
Why?
406
00:49:37,891 --> 00:49:41,578
HE IS... LET ME SEE...
407
00:49:43,233 --> 00:49:47,384
THERE ISN'T AN ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE HUMAN WORD, SO...
408
00:49:48,049 --> 00:49:49,548
LET'S SETTLE FOR...
409
00:49:55,300 --> 00:49:56,740
GONE.
410
00:50:02,607 --> 00:50:06,295
YES, HE IS GONE.
411
00:50:27,955 --> 00:50:32,615
How can the Hogfather be gone? He's... isn't he what you are? Anth...
412
00:50:33,883 --> 00:50:36,792
ANTH-RO-PO-MOR-PHIC PER-SON-IF-IC-A-TION.
413
00:50:37,642 --> 00:50:42,583
YES. HE HAS BECOME THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH.
414
00:50:42,618 --> 00:50:46,232
And while he's gone you've taken over. That's sick.
415
00:50:53,605 --> 00:50:58,105
I SEE THE GIRL WRITES IN GREEN CRAYON ON PINK PAPER
416
00:50:58,140 --> 00:51:00,292
WITH A MOUSE IN THE CORNER.
417
00:51:02,366 --> 00:51:04,356
THE MOUSE IS WEARING A DRESS.
418
00:51:04,391 --> 00:51:08,590
I ought to point out that she decided to do that so the Hogfather would think she was sweet.
419
00:51:09,432 --> 00:51:13,494
Including the deliberate bad spelling. But look, why are you doing the-
420
00:51:13,529 --> 00:51:15,714
SHE SAYS SHE IS FIVE YEARS OLD.
421
00:51:15,951 --> 00:51:20,514
Seven. In cynicism, she's about thirtyfive. But why are you doing the-
422
00:51:20,549 --> 00:51:23,056
BUT SHE BELIEVES IN THE HOGFATHER?
423
00:51:23,640 --> 00:51:26,009
She'd believe in anything if there was a dolly in it for her.
424
00:51:26,839 --> 00:51:28,980
But you're not going to leave without telling me-
425
00:51:33,934 --> 00:51:35,306
And what are you doing here, Albert?
426
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:38,027
I thought you'd die if you ever came back to the world.
427
00:51:39,269 --> 00:51:42,655
AH, BUT WE ARE NOT IN THE WORLD.
428
00:51:43,373 --> 00:51:48,290
WE ARE IN THE SPECIAL CONGRUENT REALITY CREATED FOR THE HOGFATHER.
429
00:51:49,526 --> 00:51:52,480
NORMAL RULES HAVE TO BE SUSPENDED.
430
00:51:53,027 --> 00:51:56,994
HOW ELSE COULD ANYONE GET AROUND THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ONE NIGHT?
431
00:51:57,516 --> 00:52:02,653
That's right. I'm one of the Hogfather's Little Helpers, me. It's official.
432
00:52:03,174 --> 00:52:06,060
I'v got the little pointy green hat with a bell, and everything.
433
00:52:07,086 --> 00:52:08,457
Have you been good, have you?
434
00:52:09,742 --> 00:52:13,541
NOW, WE MUST BE GOING. HAPPY HOGSWATCH!
435
00:52:15,312 --> 00:52:20,546
AND, OH YES. HO, HO, HO.
436
00:52:23,016 --> 00:52:24,421
It's a nice drop of sherry, this.
437
00:52:25,671 --> 00:52:30,656
You've actually been drinking the actual drinks little children leave out for the actual Hogfather?
438
00:52:33,017 --> 00:52:38,817
Yeah, why not? He won't be drinking anymore, will he? Not where he's gone.
439
00:52:39,592 --> 00:52:41,234
How many have you had, may I ask?
440
00:52:44,635 --> 00:52:45,848
Dunno. Haven't been counting.
441
00:52:45,883 --> 00:52:50,551
ONE MILLION, EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIX.
442
00:52:50,586 --> 00:52:55,990
AND SIXTY EIGHT THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN PORK PIES.
443
00:52:56,804 --> 00:52:58,649
AND ONE TURNIP.
444
00:52:58,919 --> 00:53:09,489
Well, It looked pork-pie shaped. Everything does, after a while.
445
00:53:10,320 --> 00:53:12,135
Why are you doing this?
446
00:53:16,807 --> 00:53:18,678
I AM SORRY. I CANNOT TELL YOU.
447
00:53:19,646 --> 00:53:22,932
FORGET YOU SAW ME. IT'S NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
448
00:53:23,430 --> 00:53:25,678
Not my business? How can you say-
449
00:53:25,961 --> 00:53:27,881
YOU WANTED TO BE NORMAL.
450
00:53:29,357 --> 00:53:31,704
GOOD NIGHT, GRANDDAUGHTER.
451
00:53:32,904 --> 00:53:36,994
Sleep tight! Better watch out... pardon.
452
00:53:52,751 --> 00:53:54,394
We're running out of doors. I hope this is the one.
453
00:53:59,109 --> 00:54:00,740
This isn't the room we're looking for.
454
00:54:02,470 --> 00:54:03,647
Just teeth in here.
455
00:54:05,137 --> 00:54:06,310
Keep going, Mr. Brown.
456
00:54:20,365 --> 00:54:23,842
Susan will try to find out what this is all about, you know.
457
00:54:24,842 --> 00:54:25,968
OH, DEAR.
458
00:54:26,688 --> 00:54:28,440
Especially after you've told her not to.
459
00:54:30,405 --> 00:54:32,593
- YOU THINK SO?
- Oh, yes.
460
00:54:34,459 --> 00:54:38,641
DEAR ME, I STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANS, DON'T I?
461
00:54:39,534 --> 00:54:40,240
Well, I dunno.
462
00:54:41,502 --> 00:54:43,062
OBVIOUSLY, IT WOULD BE QUITE WRONG
463
00:54:43,097 --> 00:54:45,128
TO INVOLVE A HUMAN IN ALL THIS.
464
00:54:45,961 --> 00:54:47,629
THAT IS WHY, YOU WILL RECALL,
465
00:54:47,859 --> 00:54:50,533
I CLEARLY FORBAD HER TO TAKE AN INTEREST.
466
00:54:50,568 --> 00:54:52,288
Yes, you did.
467
00:54:54,722 --> 00:54:56,064
BESIDES, IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
468
00:54:56,099 --> 00:55:00,570
Yes, that's a shame, really, because she likes to break them, doesn't she?
469
00:55:01,598 --> 00:55:04,316
YOU MIGHT THINK I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT,
470
00:55:04,351 --> 00:55:06,782
BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT.
471
00:55:09,977 --> 00:55:11,322
AND WE HAVE MUCH TO DO.
472
00:55:12,319 --> 00:55:14,569
WE HAVE THE HOGFATHER'S PROMISES TO KEEP.
473
00:55:24,215 --> 00:55:26,468
He did something to the real Hogfather.
474
00:57:00,572 --> 00:57:01,297
Binky.
475
00:57:11,328 --> 00:57:12,874
Can't she be eliminated?
476
00:57:13,604 --> 00:57:15,727
Oh, yes. She's mostly human.
477
00:57:16,317 --> 00:57:20,575
Oh, good. Then can we go back to just concentrating on running the Universe?
478
00:57:21,161 --> 00:57:24,117
Making sure that gravity works and that atoms spin.
479
00:57:24,629 --> 00:57:30,605
Yes, when there is not an atom of belief left in the world.
480
00:57:31,021 --> 00:57:33,585
And the Hogfather is just the beginning.
481
00:57:38,056 --> 00:57:39,899
What are you looking for, Mustrum?
482
00:57:42,277 --> 00:57:45,168
My father always said that where you get lots of people bathing together,
483
00:57:46,559 --> 00:57:49,011
the Verruca Gnome is running around with his little sack.
484
00:57:51,249 --> 00:57:56,042
Modo, any sign of the Verruca Gnome down there, old boy?
485
00:58:44,991 --> 00:58:46,359
Welcome home, Susan.
486
00:58:47,273 --> 00:58:48,616
You toook your time.
487
00:58:49,736 --> 00:58:51,430
I don't do family reunions.
488
00:59:37,696 --> 00:59:43,182
The Sandman. Soul Cake Duck. Tooth Fairy...
489
00:59:52,462 --> 00:59:53,841
The Hogfather.
490
00:59:59,079 --> 01:00:00,620
Grandfather, what have you done?
491
01:00:10,950 --> 01:00:13,827
THIS CUSHION IS STILL UNCOMFORTABLE.
492
01:00:14,390 --> 01:00:21,344
You're doing well, master. Soot in the fireplaces, footprints, swigged cherry.
493
01:00:22,829 --> 01:00:26,137
The sleightracks all over the roofs. It's got to work!
494
01:00:27,137 --> 01:00:28,255
YOU THINK SO?
495
01:00:28,671 --> 01:00:34,013
Oh, yeah! Here's a little tip, though. 'Ho, ho, ho' will do.
496
01:00:34,514 --> 01:00:37,982
Don't say, 'Cower, brief mortals'!
497
01:00:39,985 --> 01:00:45,734
OH, REALLY? SO MANY CHIMNEYS.
498
01:00:46,545 --> 01:00:49,286
IT WOULD BE SO MUCH QUICKER IF I LOST THE CUSHION.
499
01:00:49,859 --> 01:00:53,003
Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed,
500
01:00:53,294 --> 01:00:59,294
the little perishers need to believe in you, master. No, I mean the Hogfather.
501
01:01:00,315 --> 01:01:01,924
So, you got to look the part, master.
502
01:01:05,392 --> 01:01:10,735
I tell you what would be really good to boost belief. A public appearance!
503
01:01:11,174 --> 01:01:13,109
I DON'T NORMALLY DO THEM.
504
01:01:14,672 --> 01:01:17,943
But the Hogfather is more of a public figure, master.
505
01:01:18,795 --> 01:01:24,817
I tell you what, one good public appearance'll do more good than any amount of letting kids see you by accident.
506
01:01:25,608 --> 01:01:26,423
REALLY?
507
01:01:28,144 --> 01:01:30,007
And I know just the place.
508
01:01:59,846 --> 01:02:00,890
Thank you very much.
509
01:02:09,897 --> 01:02:12,175
Everything going well, Mr. Parson?
510
01:02:13,046 --> 01:02:13,958
Yes, Mr. Crumley.
511
01:02:14,640 --> 01:02:16,174
Jolly good.
512
01:02:19,266 --> 01:02:21,890
LET'S GO, SLEIGH THEM.
513
01:02:26,191 --> 01:02:29,137
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, ALBERT,
514
01:02:29,172 --> 01:02:34,066
BUT THAT WAS A PUNE, OR PLAY ON WORDS.
515
01:02:34,578 --> 01:02:35,730
Ho, ho, ho, sir.
516
01:03:08,567 --> 01:03:12,798
Stop that! Stop that! You're frightening the little kiddies!
517
01:03:13,299 --> 01:03:14,705
Wow, they've got tusks! Cool!
518
01:03:15,172 --> 01:03:16,485
Hey, look, that one's doing a wee!
519
01:03:18,119 --> 01:03:22,789
It's the Campaign for Equal Heights that've done this, isn't it! They're out to ruin me!
520
01:03:23,562 --> 01:03:30,289
That's it! I don't mind the smell of oranges and the damp trousers but I ain't putting up with this.
521
01:03:32,121 --> 01:03:34,041
And he's not even doin' it right!
522
01:03:40,727 --> 01:03:44,220
What's going on here, then? Eh? Come on!
523
01:03:47,302 --> 01:03:48,334
Who are you?
524
01:03:48,988 --> 01:03:50,926
You can call me Uncle Heavy.
525
01:03:51,836 --> 01:03:53,319
You're not a pixie!
526
01:03:53,699 --> 01:03:57,352
Nah, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister! Quiet!
527
01:03:58,215 --> 01:04:03,325
AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH, SMALL HUMAN?
528
01:04:26,434 --> 01:04:31,131
They're autobiographies, writing down everything that happens to you, as it happens.
529
01:04:31,942 --> 01:04:33,660
I know. I used to live here, remember?
530
01:04:34,289 --> 01:04:36,774
But I can't read this. The letters are all... odd.
531
01:04:38,412 --> 01:04:41,852
So, I suppose, now you'll be wanting my words of occult wisdom.
532
01:04:45,197 --> 01:04:49,494
Ethereal runes. The Hogfather is not human, after all.
533
01:04:55,043 --> 01:04:57,310
I suppose a bit of warm liver is out of the question?
534
01:05:03,309 --> 01:05:07,779
On the second day of Hogswatch, I sent my true love back
535
01:05:09,276 --> 01:05:16,812
A nasty little letter, and a partridge in a pear tree.
536
01:05:19,153 --> 01:05:21,110
What's the game then? Small-time thief, are you?
537
01:05:21,561 --> 01:05:23,362
You ain't supposed to be able to see me!
538
01:05:23,749 --> 01:05:27,172
I'm a wizard! We can see things that are really there, you know.
539
01:05:28,548 --> 01:05:30,154
What's in this bag?
540
01:05:30,440 --> 01:05:31,827
You'll really wish you hadn't, mister.
541
01:05:32,341 --> 01:05:34,924
Will I? What're you doing here, young man?
542
01:05:35,654 --> 01:05:39,965
Well, you know the Tooth Fairy? It's sort of like the same business.
543
01:05:40,279 --> 01:05:41,870
What? You take things away?
544
01:05:42,701 --> 01:05:46,364
Not take away, as such. More sort of bring.
545
01:05:47,301 --> 01:05:48,686
Ah...like new teeth.
546
01:05:49,060 --> 01:05:50,311
Like new verrucas.
547
01:05:58,155 --> 01:06:00,127
I saw your piggie do a wee.
548
01:06:01,300 --> 01:06:04,000
OH. ER... GOOD.
549
01:06:04,842 --> 01:06:06,264
It had a great, big...
550
01:06:06,299 --> 01:06:09,029
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR HOGSWATCH?
551
01:06:09,615 --> 01:06:11,076
She wants a-
552
01:06:13,828 --> 01:06:18,172
I want an army. And a big castle with an active drawbridge. And a sword.
553
01:06:21,114 --> 01:06:23,913
They're supposed to say thank you.
554
01:06:24,767 --> 01:06:28,319
ARE YOU SURE? PEOPLE DON'T, NORMALLY.
555
01:06:28,768 --> 01:06:32,471
No, I meant to the Hogfather, which is you, right!
556
01:06:40,352 --> 01:06:40,888
Sorry.
557
01:06:41,322 --> 01:06:46,084
YES, OF COURSE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THANK YOU.
558
01:06:46,119 --> 01:06:46,839
'enk you.
559
01:06:47,987 --> 01:06:50,722
AND BE GOOD. THIS IS PART OF THE ARRANGEMENT.
560
01:06:50,930 --> 01:06:51,518
Yes.
561
01:06:52,362 --> 01:06:53,480
THEN WE HAVE A CONTRACT.
562
01:07:00,208 --> 01:07:01,044
Verrucas, eh?
563
01:07:02,012 --> 01:07:02,825
Wish I knew why!
564
01:07:05,096 --> 01:07:06,272
You mean you don't know?
565
01:07:07,066 --> 01:07:09,911
No. Suddenly I wake up and I'm the Verruca Gnome.
566
01:07:10,448 --> 01:07:20,286
Strange. Anyway, amazing bathroom, ain't it? It's got a special pot for your toenail clippings.
567
01:07:20,743 --> 01:07:22,805
A special pot for toenail clippings?
568
01:07:22,840 --> 01:07:30,638
Oh, can't be too careful. Get hold of something like somebody's nail clipping, hair, teeth...
569
01:07:31,230 --> 01:07:35,802
You got them under your control. I mean, that's real old magic.
570
01:07:36,255 --> 01:07:42,046
Children of the world, prepare to take a short tour.
571
01:07:48,550 --> 01:07:56,188
Mr. Sideney! Your big, no-misjudgements magic moment.
572
01:08:17,939 --> 01:08:19,883
You can't give her that! That's not safe.
573
01:08:20,601 --> 01:08:24,024
IT'S A SWORD. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
574
01:08:24,353 --> 01:08:25,650
She's a child!
575
01:08:26,699 --> 01:08:27,836
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
576
01:08:28,198 --> 01:08:29,571
What if she cuts herself?
577
01:08:30,854 --> 01:08:33,373
THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.
578
01:08:37,126 --> 01:08:42,305
REALLY? OH, WELL. IT'S NOT FOR ME TO ARGUE, I SUPPOSE.
579
01:08:44,602 --> 01:08:47,119
And she doesn't want all that other stuff. She's a girl!
580
01:08:48,353 --> 01:08:51,400
And anyway, I can't afford big posh stuff like that.
581
01:08:53,132 --> 01:08:55,188
I THOUGHT I GAVE IT AWAY.
582
01:08:56,683 --> 01:08:58,447
- You do?
- You do?
583
01:09:00,073 --> 01:09:04,993
You don't! That's our Merchandise! You don't just give it away!
584
01:09:05,199 --> 01:09:12,415
Hogswatch isn't about giving everything away! I mean, yes, you do give things away,
585
01:09:12,450 --> 01:09:14,480
but you have to buy them first!
586
01:09:16,075 --> 01:09:19,345
You mean this is all free?
587
01:09:23,074 --> 01:09:27,814
It... would seem to be.
588
01:09:33,356 --> 01:09:37,956
So, Mr. Stibbons. This thing is a great, big artificial brain, then.
589
01:09:38,720 --> 01:09:43,091
You could think of it like that. Of course, Hex doesn't actually think.
590
01:09:43,449 --> 01:09:45,879
Not as such. It just appears to be thinking.
591
01:09:46,355 --> 01:09:50,839
Amazing. You mean it gives the impression of thinking, but really it's just a show.
592
01:09:51,418 --> 01:09:52,167
Er, yes.
593
01:09:53,252 --> 01:09:54,424
So it's like everyone else, then.
594
01:09:56,828 --> 01:09:58,052
I knew I'd come here for something.
595
01:10:00,554 --> 01:10:03,520
Now, this here chappie is the Verruca Gnome.
596
01:10:05,133 --> 01:10:09,271
Who's just popped into existence to be with us on Hogswatchnight.
597
01:10:09,800 --> 01:10:14,571
The most magical night of the year. Last year's occult rubbish pilin' up.
598
01:10:14,606 --> 01:10:17,556
I just thought you fellows might check up on this.
599
01:10:17,591 --> 01:10:18,914
Verruca Gnome?
600
01:10:20,900 --> 01:10:23,446
Makes about as much sense as anything else, doesn't it?
601
01:10:23,980 --> 01:10:25,668
After all, there's a Tooth Fairy, ain' there?
602
01:10:27,105 --> 01:10:31,855
Makes on wonder why there's a God of Wine and not a God of Hangovers?
603
01:10:35,448 --> 01:10:36,811
Anyone hear that noise just then?
604
01:10:37,786 --> 01:10:38,865
Sorry, Archchancellor?
605
01:10:40,412 --> 01:10:46,586
Sort of glingleglingleglingle? Like a lot of tinkly bells?
606
01:10:47,648 --> 01:10:49,070
Didn't hear anything like that, sir.
607
01:10:49,778 --> 01:10:59,648
Oh. Well, where was I? So, no one's ever seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight.
608
01:11:00,228 --> 01:11:04,007
I've never heard of me until tonight, and I'm me.
609
01:11:06,213 --> 01:11:09,337
We'll see what Hex can find out, Archchancellor.
610
01:11:10,164 --> 01:11:10,820
Good man.
611
01:11:20,602 --> 01:11:28,573
Amazing. Now we should be able to get to the bottom of all this.
612
01:11:39,789 --> 01:11:43,273
None of this is right. Everyone knows he's just a jolly, old, fat man
613
01:11:43,308 --> 01:11:44,648
who hands out presents to kids.
614
01:11:45,453 --> 01:11:49,805
- He wasn't always so jolly. You know how it is.
- Do I?
615
01:11:50,305 --> 01:11:56,649
That's like, you know, industrial retraining. Even gods have to move with the times.
616
01:11:57,433 --> 01:12:03,141
You see, your Hogfather was probably just your basic winter demi-urge.
617
01:12:03,972 --> 01:12:07,175
You know, blood on the snow, making the sun come up.
618
01:12:08,020 --> 01:12:10,299
So there has to be blood to make the sun come up?
619
01:12:12,264 --> 01:12:14,312
Starts off with animal sacrifice, y'know,
620
01:12:14,347 --> 01:12:17,009
hunt some big hairy animal to death, that kind of stuff.
621
01:12:17,044 --> 01:12:20,010
Very folkloric, very myffic.
622
01:12:23,224 --> 01:12:26,108
Can't stop an animal, never. They've had sacred paints,
623
01:12:26,143 --> 01:12:27,803
the strongest and the best.
624
01:12:28,304 --> 01:12:33,116
Died on the dark time of the year to give life to the unconquered sun.
625
01:12:34,210 --> 01:12:38,680
And, in a way, the Hogfather was all of it.
626
01:12:43,965 --> 01:12:44,654
And then?
627
01:12:45,716 --> 01:12:49,808
And then some bright spark thought, hey, looks like that damn sun comes up anyway,
628
01:12:49,843 --> 01:12:53,362
so how come we're giving those druids all this free grub?
629
01:12:53,659 --> 01:12:57,309
The world moves on, and he's got to find a new job.
630
01:12:57,840 --> 01:13:00,966
So it started as an animal sacrifice to make the sun come up.
631
01:13:01,685 --> 01:13:02,708
Exactlimondo!
632
01:13:03,467 --> 01:13:04,918
And now, he gives out presents.
633
01:13:13,530 --> 01:13:14,669
Top of the evening, squire.
634
01:13:15,529 --> 01:13:19,000
I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch. And this is Constable Visit, sir.
635
01:13:20,281 --> 01:13:22,646
I want you to arrest him!
636
01:13:24,332 --> 01:13:25,357
Arrest who, sir?
637
01:13:26,124 --> 01:13:27,488
The Hogfather!
638
01:13:29,436 --> 01:13:30,643
What for, sir?
639
01:13:30,936 --> 01:13:39,561
He's sitting up there as bold as brass in his Grotto, giving away presents!
640
01:13:41,217 --> 01:13:46,895
Not quite up to speed here, sir. I thought the Hogfather is supposed to give away stuff, isn't he?
641
01:13:47,376 --> 01:13:50,896
But this one is an impostor!
642
01:13:51,875 --> 01:13:53,439
Y'know, I always thought that.
643
01:13:53,842 --> 01:13:59,836
I thought, the Hogfather spends two weeks in a wooden grotto in some shop in Ankh-Morpork?
644
01:14:00,689 --> 01:14:03,502
At his busy time, too? Not likely.
645
01:14:03,748 --> 01:14:07,578
He's not the Hogfather we usually have!
646
01:14:10,576 --> 01:14:14,789
You mean, a different impostor? Not the real impostor at all?
647
01:14:14,993 --> 01:14:18,429
Yes!...No!
648
01:14:20,213 --> 01:14:23,297
- Arrest the Hogfather, style of thing?
- Yes!
649
01:14:24,340 --> 01:14:26,710
- On Hogswtach night?
- Yes!
650
01:14:27,148 --> 01:14:28,289
For giving away present?
651
01:14:30,089 --> 01:14:32,429
- In front of all these kiddies?
- Yes!
652
01:14:33,602 --> 01:14:40,013
- In your shop?
- Ye... you think it might look a bit... bad?
653
01:14:42,006 --> 01:14:43,746
Difficult to see how it could look good, sir.
654
01:14:45,844 --> 01:14:50,028
Could you not do it surreptitiously?
655
01:14:51,416 --> 01:14:58,762
Oh, well, yes. Surreptition. Yes, we could give that a try...
656
01:15:03,969 --> 01:15:06,760
You won't find me ungrateful.
657
01:15:14,157 --> 01:15:18,656
In Omnia, we call the Hogswatch night the Fast of St. Ossory.
658
01:15:19,405 --> 01:15:23,420
But it is not an occasion for superstition and crass commercialism.
659
01:15:24,178 --> 01:15:26,908
I used to hang up my stocking every Hogswatch, regular.
660
01:15:29,492 --> 01:15:32,254
All that ever happened that my dad was sick in it once.
661
01:15:36,470 --> 01:15:37,441
I'm going in.
662
01:15:53,433 --> 01:15:57,245
There seems to be a thaumic surge from somewhere.
663
01:15:57,766 --> 01:16:02,715
It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief.
664
01:16:06,495 --> 01:16:10,731
IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE.
665
01:16:11,374 --> 01:16:14,862
Yeah. The sort of cross between fear and awe.
666
01:16:15,467 --> 01:16:17,746
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants.
667
01:16:18,333 --> 01:16:22,761
YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF.
668
01:16:24,341 --> 01:16:31,874
NEXT!
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE... PERSON?
669
01:16:33,061 --> 01:16:34,581
Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.
670
01:16:35,591 --> 01:16:42,310
AND HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BO...A GOOD DWA...A GOOD GNO...A GOOD INDIVIDUAL?
671
01:16:44,684 --> 01:16:46,020
'es.
672
01:16:50,170 --> 01:16:51,291
So why isn't it working?
673
01:16:53,444 --> 01:16:58,652
The chalk, just got a bit scuffed when we were piling up the. Things.
674
01:16:58,937 --> 01:17:00,320
You sure that's what it is?
675
01:17:03,347 --> 01:17:04,345
What about the spell?
676
01:17:04,775 --> 01:17:06,847
Oh, that'll go on for ever. The simple ones do.
677
01:17:07,306 --> 01:17:16,193
It's just a state change, powered by the... it just keeps going.
678
01:17:17,693 --> 01:17:19,381
That's very good, Mr. Sideney.
679
01:17:20,410 --> 01:17:25,098
Because if the sympathetic magic does not work, you'll find me very...
680
01:17:26,930 --> 01:17:28,317
unsympathetic.
681
01:17:32,565 --> 01:17:33,504
What happened? What happened?
682
01:17:35,324 --> 01:17:39,905
This is disgusting, this whole business. It is the worship of idols!
683
01:17:44,765 --> 01:17:50,546
It's a genuine Burleigh and Stronginthearm doubleaction triple-cantilever crossbow
684
01:17:50,879 --> 01:17:57,327
with a polished walnut stock and silver engraved facings.
685
01:18:00,253 --> 01:18:02,108
Aren't we going to arrest this impostor, corporal?
686
01:18:04,951 --> 01:18:09,296
You're foreign, Washpot. I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch.
687
01:18:14,171 --> 01:18:17,317
ON THE WHOLE, I THINK THAT WENT VERY WELL, DON'T YOU?
688
01:18:17,726 --> 01:18:18,546
Yes, master.
689
01:18:19,515 --> 01:18:24,142
AND I THINK I'VE GOT THE LAUGH WORKING REALLY WELL NOW. HO! HO! HO!
690
01:18:24,921 --> 01:18:26,265
Yes, sir, very jolly.
691
01:18:27,810 --> 01:18:29,541
Tomorrow morning, they'll believe, all right.
692
01:18:30,541 --> 01:18:32,980
THEY'D BETTER. BECAUSE IF THEY DON'T...
693
01:18:33,841 --> 01:18:36,385
THEN THERE WON'T BE A TOMORROW MORNING.
694
01:18:39,469 --> 01:18:42,959
So for the sun to come up tomorrow morning, the Hogfather has to be alive.
695
01:18:43,392 --> 01:18:44,550
Precisemento.
696
01:18:48,612 --> 01:18:50,082
What if he's dead?
697
01:19:11,669 --> 01:19:16,149
And this was going to be your big moment.
698
01:19:32,633 --> 01:19:33,622
It's him!
699
01:19:40,037 --> 01:19:41,695
Such a shame!
700
01:19:42,912 --> 01:19:44,381
Pretty lights...
701
01:20:00,872 --> 01:20:04,134
Think happy, Banjo.
702
01:20:18,139 --> 01:20:20,888
Wake up! Wake up! You got to find the Hogfather!
703
01:20:22,320 --> 01:20:23,820
He was at the Castle of Bones.
704
01:20:42,315 --> 01:20:44,077
You're not the Hogfather!
705
01:20:48,799 --> 01:20:50,134
There must be thousands here.
706
01:20:52,327 --> 01:20:55,990
And what's all this stuff? 's just paper.
707
01:20:56,225 --> 01:21:00,174
They're title deeds for properties. And they're better than money.
708
01:21:01,349 --> 01:21:03,877
If we steal them, do they become ours?
709
01:21:05,705 --> 01:21:07,516
Is that a trick question?
710
01:21:09,275 --> 01:21:11,307
Anyway, let's get going.
711
01:21:13,307 --> 01:21:14,838
He won't miss a few-
712
01:21:16,682 --> 01:21:17,765
Gentlemen.
713
01:21:20,017 --> 01:21:25,205
We were just... piling up the stuff.
714
01:21:38,589 --> 01:21:42,829
I know people say I'd kill them as soon as look at them.
715
01:21:43,433 --> 01:21:49,182
And in fact I'd much rather kill you than look at you, Mr. Lilywhite.
716
01:21:50,175 --> 01:21:55,832
You're thinking that Banjo is going to help you. That's how it's always been, isn't it?
717
01:21:56,909 --> 01:22:02,373
But Banjo is my friend now. Banjo has the heart of a little child.
718
01:22:03,371 --> 01:22:05,093
I believe I have, too.
719
01:22:07,310 --> 01:22:14,373
Help them, Banjo. As far as this goes, I really have no use for it.
720
01:22:15,528 --> 01:22:17,215
It's only pillow money.
721
01:22:17,842 --> 01:22:22,046
Something much more... interesting has become apparent.
722
01:22:48,554 --> 01:22:54,130
Albert. I don't see the Hogfather as someone who rolls his own.
723
01:23:20,259 --> 01:23:21,062
Drop him.
724
01:23:25,290 --> 01:23:31,571
Control! Control the inner child, and he'll even give you his teeth.
725
01:23:32,699 --> 01:23:39,010
And somewhere in this tower, you can help me find someone, who can use it.
726
01:23:40,415 --> 01:23:45,376
Who can use it to... give me the world.
727
01:24:00,306 --> 01:24:02,567
So what said, take the money and go?
728
01:24:03,395 --> 01:24:05,129
Don't be so bloody stupid.
729
01:24:10,838 --> 01:24:11,964
Daddy?
730
01:24:15,108 --> 01:24:17,902
I say, it's not what you think!
731
01:24:19,452 --> 01:24:20,965
Yes, it is.
732
01:24:48,436 --> 01:24:53,404
Mr. Brown! There's one door you haven't found.
733
01:24:54,929 --> 01:24:57,069
Find the Tooth Fairy's secret room.
734
01:24:57,642 --> 01:25:07,153
And when he does... then just think, what I can make the kiddies think.
735
01:26:24,241 --> 01:26:25,163
Are you all right?
736
01:26:26,738 --> 01:26:28,128
I wish I was dead.
737
01:26:31,410 --> 01:26:33,550
I think you may have come to the right place.
738
01:26:36,036 --> 01:26:37,864
- Oh, my head...
- Are you the Hogf...
739
01:26:41,734 --> 01:26:44,769
I feel awful. Have you got any ice?
740
01:26:53,499 --> 01:26:55,213
DUTY CALLS.
741
01:26:55,816 --> 01:26:58,199
Yeah, but which one? That one or this one?
742
01:27:18,510 --> 01:27:22,011
Happy Hogswatch, everybody!
743
01:27:51,611 --> 01:27:55,089
Yet to come, on Hogfather:
744
01:27:56,999 --> 01:27:58,622
Happy Hogswatch!
745
01:28:03,542 --> 01:28:05,140
Very well, I've unlocked it.
746
01:28:07,541 --> 01:28:08,859
And Banjo's opened it.
747
01:28:08,894 --> 01:28:13,177
IF WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE TOOTH FAIRY'S CASTLE IS NOT STOPPED,
748
01:28:13,390 --> 01:28:17,513
THEN EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN DOING IS A WASTE OF TIME.
749
01:28:18,210 --> 01:28:19,874
AND IF THEY GET TO THE TOOTH FAIRY,
750
01:28:20,605 --> 01:28:24,324
THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL ALL HUMAN BELIEF.
751
01:28:24,359 --> 01:28:28,003
Mr. Brown, break me up the real Tooth Fairy.
752
01:28:28,393 --> 01:28:31,561
UNLESS SUSAN GETS THERE FIRST.
753
01:28:34,328 --> 01:28:35,796
I need your help, Mr. Ridcully.
754
01:28:37,233 --> 01:28:42,295
Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr. Teatime?
755
01:28:45,553 --> 01:28:48,696
Something nasty is happening tonight. I'm hoping he can tell me what it is,
756
01:28:48,731 --> 01:28:50,612
but he's got to be able to think straight first.
757
01:28:51,490 --> 01:28:52,803
And you've brought him here?
758
01:28:52,838 --> 01:28:55,443
He is the Oh God of Hangovers.
759
01:28:55,767 --> 01:28:59,092
I wish you fellows would show some backbone!
760
01:29:02,047 --> 01:29:05,359
- My grandfather is Death.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
761
01:29:05,860 --> 01:29:07,193
This is fascinating.
762
01:29:09,108 --> 01:29:11,376
You must think I was born yesterday, Mr. Teacup.
763
01:29:11,735 --> 01:29:14,047
I'm leaving, right? With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me.
764
01:29:19,735 --> 01:29:23,735
What is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's Castle?
765
01:29:34,486 --> 01:29:36,824
You're creepy. Your eye's weird.
766
01:29:38,870 --> 01:29:42,169
Then let's see how creepy I can be.
767
01:29:43,738 --> 01:29:44,920
Who the hell are you?
768
01:29:45,657 --> 01:29:49,667
I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER... HO, HO, HO.
769
01:29:50,794 --> 01:29:53,261
YES, THIS WILL SHOW.
770
01:29:53,857 --> 01:29:55,637
You are not allowed to do that.
771
01:29:56,450 --> 01:29:59,402
THERE'S NO BETTER PRESENT THAN THE FUTURE.
772
01:30:00,122 --> 01:30:03,138
Belief's causing new creatures to appear.
773
01:30:07,920 --> 01:30:08,824
Is there a problem?
774
01:30:11,136 --> 01:30:13,841
I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE.
775
01:30:15,076 --> 01:30:20,536
BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER! DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER!
776
01:30:21,184 --> 01:30:25,109
YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER HOME!
777
01:30:45,047 --> 01:30:47,186
I'm going to have such fun with this. So light.
778
01:30:47,482 --> 01:30:50,124
You wouldn'd dare use it. My grandfather will come after you.
779
01:30:50,389 --> 01:30:51,423
He comes after everyone.
780
01:30:51,458 --> 01:30:52,702
He's very single-minded.
781
01:30:53,014 --> 01:30:54,015
I'll be ready for him.
782
01:31:00,232 --> 01:31:02,516
This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.
64007
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