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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:25,646 Margaret! Can't get away from each other 2 00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:29,157 Oh, God, you've been spending some money Not on us I hope 3 00:01:29,247 --> 00:01:32,205 Listen, no one comes for a meal at our place and goes hungry 4 00:01:32,327 --> 00:01:35,876 If you can't push the boat out with your next-door neighbours, it's a poor do 5 00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:39,118 By the way, I asked your husband if there's anything that upsets his stomach, 6 00:01:39,207 --> 00:01:41,357 he said the TV commercial for Scottish Widows 7 00:01:42,447 --> 00:01:46,235 Yes, that has been known to produce outbreaks of vomiting 8 00:01:46,847 --> 00:01:51,045 Food-wise, Betty, I wouldn't worry You're talking about a black hole with tonsils 9 00:01:51,127 --> 00:01:54,881 I've known plastic cutlery disappear down there before today 10 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:59,362 -So, look, we'll see you, what, about 7:00? -Oh, lovely 11 00:01:59,447 --> 00:02:02,598 I don't want to be out too long, we've got a painter starting work this morning 12 00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,042 and 1 0-to-1 Victor still won't be back in time 13 00:02:05,127 --> 00:02:08,437 He only popped out to pick up a new answering machine 14 00:02:08,687 --> 00:02:11,440 but, knowing him, anything could have happened 15 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,558 (INAUDIBLE) 16 00:03:19,727 --> 00:03:21,718 (INAUDIBLE) 17 00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:39,964 ''To record an outgoing message on your 18 00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:44,362 (STRUGGLING) ''Hukusuatsui answering machine, 19 00:03:44,447 --> 00:03:46,438 ''press 'ogum' 20 00:03:47,647 --> 00:03:50,559 ''and speak three inches from the microphone'' 21 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,797 Ogum Ogum Ogum! 22 00:03:53,127 --> 00:03:54,719 (BEEPING) 23 00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:03,078 (SHOUTING) This is Victor Meldrew 24 00:04:04,127 --> 00:04:07,676 To leave a message, please speak after the tone 25 00:04:09,127 --> 00:04:11,083 Just hear that back now 26 00:04:11,407 --> 00:04:13,159 (REPEATING IN JAPANESE) 27 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:25,996 Turned into bloody Japanese How the hell did that happen? 28 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,644 Bloody machines 29 00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:32,997 Well, that's another classic, isn't it? 30 00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:35,961 Even by the standards of this household 31 00:04:36,047 --> 00:04:39,164 To my dying day I will never understand 32 00:04:39,247 --> 00:04:41,283 Oh, you are back then 33 00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:45,397 Sorry? Yes, I've been back for half an hour 34 00:04:45,487 --> 00:04:50,356 I would've been back earlier but I got collared by a detective, if you please, coming out of the shop 35 00:04:50,487 --> 00:04:54,116 Said I was just the right look for an identity parade they were carrying out 36 00:04:54,247 --> 00:04:57,876 Some bloke's been exposing himself to elderly housewives 37 00:04:58,647 --> 00:05:01,923 Then, after a lot of faffing about, it turned out they got the wrong man 38 00:05:02,007 --> 00:05:05,238 Ah! Here we are English operation 39 00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:09,643 Need to be ruddy Stephen Hawking now to understand these things 40 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:13,037 (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Please enter your ID code. 41 00:05:14,207 --> 00:05:15,879 Talk of the devil 42 00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:21,996 Did you manage to get your appointment at the optician's okay? 43 00:05:22,087 --> 00:05:25,716 Yes, next Saturday morning No problem in that department 44 00:05:26,087 --> 00:05:31,081 Number of messages received. 1 1.:09 p.m. 45 00:05:31,727 --> 00:05:34,036 What's wrong with this bloody thing now? 46 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:38,123 You, er, came in the front just now, I take it 47 00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:39,196 Yes, why? 48 00:05:39,287 --> 00:05:42,120 Oh, because I think if you'd been out the back 49 00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:45,199 Please enter your ID, enter your ID. 50 00:05:45,287 --> 00:05:47,960 -You might just have -Your ID. Your ID. 51 00:05:48,487 --> 00:05:51,445 -You might have noticed -(SPEEDING UP) ID. ID. ID. ID. ID. ID... 52 00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:54,127 Will you shut that bloody thing off? 53 00:05:54,207 --> 00:05:55,959 (VERY FAST) ID. ID. ID. ID. ID... 54 00:05:58,887 --> 00:06:01,162 Pinky and Perky at Maplins 55 00:06:03,087 --> 00:06:06,443 That young man you asked to come here today to paint our house? 56 00:06:06,607 --> 00:06:07,756 What about him? 57 00:06:07,847 --> 00:06:12,602 I think it might just be worth sticking your head out of the door to check on his progress 58 00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:53,406 But why can't people be more specific? 59 00:06:53,887 --> 00:06:58,802 He stuck his card through the door, I rang him up It all seemed perfectly straightforward 60 00:06:58,887 --> 00:07:02,038 When is anything you do straightforward? 61 00:07:02,127 --> 00:07:06,086 Like that business yesterday, nearly getting stabbed to death in your own staircase 62 00:07:06,167 --> 00:07:11,161 You look for enemies all the while, you'll find them Sheer paranoia half the time 63 00:07:11,327 --> 00:07:14,603 When two blokes ask if they can pop in to use your toilet, 64 00:07:14,687 --> 00:07:17,326 you don't imagine they're gonna start dealing drugs 65 00:07:19,207 --> 00:07:23,564 I mean, what have I got to do? Keep a sniffer dog in the downstairs lavatory now? 66 00:07:25,087 --> 00:07:28,875 It's a very grubby world out there, Margaret, you just don't see it 67 00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:31,197 The things that go on in broad daylight 68 00:07:31,287 --> 00:07:35,963 Is it daylight? Very hard to tell with that great rusting hulk in the way 69 00:07:36,047 --> 00:07:39,244 And I don't see why you've got such a problem on that score 70 00:07:39,327 --> 00:07:43,366 Plenty of people buy caravans for their holidays without having to go to war over it 71 00:07:43,447 --> 00:07:46,519 Holiday? Oh, you must be joking 72 00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:49,520 It has all the charm of an iron lung 73 00:07:49,687 --> 00:07:52,759 People across the road thought we'd left it out for the dustman 74 00:07:53,287 --> 00:07:57,599 Just needs a bit of a spring clean, that's all Then, it'll be as good as 75 00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:01,437 Oh, for the love of 76 00:08:02,447 --> 00:08:07,157 Can you believe this? What it says on this box! I've only just noticed 77 00:08:07,247 --> 00:08:10,922 That chap in the electrical shop, see what he scrawled all over the top here? 78 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,475 Look! ''Meldrew's a turd'' 79 00:08:16,487 --> 00:08:18,557 I'll knock his bloody block off! 80 00:08:20,807 --> 00:08:22,525 ''Meldrew's a turd'' 81 00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:27,237 ''Meldrew Saturday To be collected'' 82 00:08:30,447 --> 00:08:33,359 Like I said, sheer paranoia 83 00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:42,119 There's definitely a full stop after ''turd''! 84 00:08:46,127 --> 00:08:48,402 Or, is it afly dropping? 85 00:08:50,887 --> 00:08:53,845 Yes, I'm afraid it was all a pain in the A-R-S-E, really, 86 00:08:53,927 --> 00:08:55,963 my first marriage, the way it worked out 87 00:08:56,047 --> 00:09:00,165 She was a money-grabbing little S-O-D Took everything 88 00:09:00,287 --> 00:09:02,881 -Left me, well -Without a P-O-T to piss in 89 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,958 In a word, Victor, in a word 90 00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:08,242 I mean, it's not something you want to hear, really, is it? 91 00:09:08,327 --> 00:09:11,160 That your wife's been going to bed with a windscreen wiper 92 00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:15,363 One of those chaps, 93 00:09:15,447 --> 00:09:17,517 who does your car at the traffic lights 94 00:09:17,647 --> 00:09:21,401 Apparently, they'd been at it for months Getting up to all kinds of weird games 95 00:09:21,487 --> 00:09:23,205 I never had a clue 96 00:09:23,287 --> 00:09:27,200 Even the squeegee ruts in her bottom, I just took for cellulite 97 00:09:27,287 --> 00:09:29,084 So that was that, I'm afraid 98 00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:33,365 And, of course, all the strain of the divorce, I came out in this terrible nervous rash 99 00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,802 You know that thing, where you're losing all your body heat 100 00:09:35,887 --> 00:09:40,165 They had to rush me to hospital wrapped from head to foot in metal foil 101 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,478 Talk about ''oven-ready'', when I first met him 102 00:09:43,567 --> 00:09:46,559 Touch wood, he's been fine since then, haven't you? 103 00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:51,641 Since I eliminated all stress from my life, settled down into a job I really enjoy 104 00:09:52,087 --> 00:09:55,716 And, yes, what is it you do exactly? I don't think you said 105 00:09:56,327 --> 00:10:00,764 I'm a cartoonist Yes, didn't Betty tell you? I draw cartoons for magazines and newspapers 106 00:10:00,847 --> 00:10:04,476 You know in the local, on the back page McVitie's View. 107 00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:07,161 The little man who comments on the news every night 108 00:10:07,247 --> 00:10:12,241 Oh, yes! That miserable old twerp who's always moaning about something 109 00:10:13,887 --> 00:10:18,836 He's very funny So you're that McVitie 110 00:10:19,007 --> 00:10:21,396 Where do you get your ideas from? 111 00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:25,275 I don't suppose we'll be seeing much of him for the next couple of weeks 112 00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:29,645 Derek and Betty are renting a cottage in Norfolk for a fortnight Doesn't that sound idyllic? 113 00:10:29,727 --> 00:10:33,163 Yes How about you? You've got your caravan now 114 00:10:33,247 --> 00:10:35,078 You gonna take it somewhere nice? 115 00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,158 Well, I thought we might just pop down 116 00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:40,438 Oh, yes, I think we better change the subject, if you don't mind 117 00:10:40,527 --> 00:10:44,918 Well, anyway, I must say it's been a real treat having you over tonight Hasn't it? 118 00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:48,761 It has Which only goes to show, you can't believe everything you read in books 119 00:10:49,687 --> 00:10:52,406 No, that's absolutely Sorry? 120 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:58,000 A couple of weeks ago we found this 121 00:11:01,687 --> 00:11:06,397 On the top shelf of the wardrobe Left behind, we assume, by our predecessor 122 00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:09,639 Chap was clearly deranged Things he's written in there 123 00:11:09,727 --> 00:11:14,118 Some tale about you trying to get him and his wife into bed with you one night 124 00:11:15,607 --> 00:11:20,317 Oh, what was the one about the naked man swinging past the window like Tarzan? 125 00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:25,916 Flesh-eating crabs in his underpants It was like something out of William Burroughs 126 00:11:26,087 --> 00:11:28,920 What did he do? Go around sniffing fire extinguishers? 127 00:11:44,647 --> 00:11:49,641 That was painless enough tonight, then Seemed very pleasant in the end 128 00:11:49,807 --> 00:11:53,720 -What's this doing here? -Oh, that's got to go back It's got a faulty nozzle 129 00:11:54,727 --> 00:11:58,640 When are you going back? Perhaps you haven't been pressing it properly 130 00:11:58,727 --> 00:12:00,001 (EXCLAIMING) 131 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,875 What did I just say? You turn it upside down, it'll stop 132 00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,005 Yes, 133 00:12:10,087 --> 00:12:13,716 well, it's certainly nice to have neighbours that we get on with again 134 00:12:14,007 --> 00:12:18,398 Who don't spell out rude messages with their socks on the washing line 135 00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:20,999 When was this? 136 00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:24,875 Day before they moved out With a glove at the end, giving two fingers 137 00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:31,761 So, can we make a real effort, do you think, this time, to stay on the right side of them? 138 00:12:37,487 --> 00:12:40,877 Build-up of greenhouse gases, I think that's what I've got 139 00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:44,004 Like someone's been up your bottom with a bicycle pump 140 00:12:45,287 --> 00:12:50,281 Old age, I suppose Everything going slack and seizing up 141 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:57,356 Very gurgly gut tonight Oh, hang on 142 00:12:58,047 --> 00:12:59,366 It's on the move 143 00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,640 Here we go Another blast from the past 144 00:13:23,807 --> 00:13:26,480 (HAWAII FIVE-O THEME PLAYING) 145 00:13:32,407 --> 00:13:33,726 (MUSIC STOPPING) 146 00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:38,759 Too much fizzy water, that will be how 147 00:13:39,247 --> 00:13:42,922 Must drink it still in the future See if that helps 148 00:13:45,327 --> 00:13:46,965 (MARGARET SNORING) 149 00:14:05,127 --> 00:14:06,606 (SNORING CONTINUES) 150 00:14:42,847 --> 00:14:44,997 Morning, Mr Meldrew Hard at it? 151 00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:47,476 Ah, yes, good morning 152 00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:58,005 Been quite a while since you had an upright, so your wife was saying 153 00:14:58,087 --> 00:14:59,315 I beg your pardon? 154 00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:05,399 Oh! Yes Got it last week 155 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,206 Got very good suction to it 156 00:15:08,287 --> 00:15:10,801 So, how are you these days? 157 00:15:10,887 --> 00:15:14,596 Oh, yes, house still feels very empty without her 158 00:15:14,687 --> 00:15:16,882 But, um, I was having a bit of clear out the other day, actually 159 00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:20,676 Some of her old things and I thought you might like this 160 00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:22,962 I'll have no use for it, obviously 161 00:15:25,807 --> 00:15:27,684 Well, I suppose not 162 00:15:29,487 --> 00:15:31,682 -Thank you very much -You're very welcome 163 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:35,965 Yes, yes, I should imagine this will look quite nice once you've finished 164 00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:40,197 What're you gonna do? Get a priest in, or just not bother? 165 00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:41,402 I'll 166 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,523 -What do you mean? -Sorry? 167 00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:47,444 What do you mean, ''get a priest in''? 168 00:15:48,167 --> 00:15:50,078 Oh, sorry, I naturally 169 00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:52,961 You've not seen the front page of this week's Psychic News then? 170 00:15:53,047 --> 00:15:54,446 Psychic News? 171 00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:59,123 Yes, it gave me quite a turn when I first read it, I don't mind admitting 172 00:16:06,087 --> 00:16:10,444 ''Residents in Lichfield, Staffordshire breathed a sigh of relief last week 173 00:16:10,527 --> 00:16:12,165 ''when a mobile home, 174 00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:16,240 ''said to contain the spirit of Satan worshipper, Mrs Velda Bassett, 175 00:16:17,327 --> 00:16:19,079 ''finally left town 176 00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,603 ''after finding a surprise buyer in the home counties 177 00:16:24,047 --> 00:16:28,040 ''The vehicle, which has been dubbed 'the most haunted caravan in Britain', 178 00:16:29,247 --> 00:16:32,762 ''has been associated with bizarre paranormal activity, 179 00:16:32,847 --> 00:16:35,156 ''and there have been reports of Mrs Bassett, 180 00:16:35,247 --> 00:16:39,877 ''described as a cross between Gillian Shepherd and the late Jimmy Clitheroe, 181 00:16:40,647 --> 00:16:44,879 ''floating through the air and into neighbours' houses through the keyhole'' 182 00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:49,085 I wouldn't take any of it seriously Load of tommy-rot by the sound of it 183 00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:52,637 Oh, and talking of vehicles, are you still okay for tomorrow? 184 00:16:52,727 --> 00:16:54,922 -Sorry? -Action for the Elderly 185 00:16:55,007 --> 00:16:58,522 You very kindly volunteered your services to do a bit of driving for us 186 00:16:58,687 --> 00:16:59,722 Ah, yes, that's 187 00:16:59,807 --> 00:17:03,277 Only, there's an old lady we'd like you pick up from the airport 188 00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:06,040 Now, she's not entirely with it, I'm afraid, so 189 00:17:06,127 --> 00:17:09,324 That's her name and address and our set of keys to her flat 190 00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:12,604 If you could just settle her back in and make sure she's nice and secure 191 00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:16,163 -Yes, I'll try and deal with that -It'll be much appreciated 192 00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:19,759 And for goodness' sake, don't start worrying about this 193 00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:23,642 You can always join Ghostbusters HomeStart 194 00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:27,606 -Well, bye-bye to you, Mr Meldrew -Goodbye 195 00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:54,639 There's a kind of green slime now oozing out from under the wheel 196 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:58,882 That's where Mrs Aylesbury's cat was sick on the pavement 197 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:03,404 You see, that's exactly how these stories get started 198 00:18:03,487 --> 00:18:06,126 People let their imaginations run away with them 199 00:18:06,207 --> 00:18:09,244 I told you there was something fishy about that advert, but, no 200 00:18:09,927 --> 00:18:12,122 Didn't you even suspect when the bloke delivered it? 201 00:18:12,207 --> 00:18:13,925 Who's being paranoid now, Margaret? 202 00:18:14,007 --> 00:18:18,523 It's a perfectly nice, ordinary caravan that we can take down the coast for a few days 203 00:18:18,607 --> 00:18:20,438 Down to Dorset or somewhere 204 00:18:20,727 --> 00:18:23,639 The only place I would take that now 205 00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:26,560 is Beachy Head and push the bloody thing off 206 00:18:27,727 --> 00:18:31,322 So you can put that away And can we get off the subject please? 207 00:18:31,407 --> 00:18:33,045 It gives me the shivers 208 00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:42,196 How can a caravan be haunted? It doesn't make any sense of any kind 209 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,243 I said, can we drop it? 210 00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:50,201 Can't believe the size of him now, you know, next door 211 00:18:50,727 --> 00:18:52,718 Since his mother died 212 00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:57,965 Gets any fatter, they'll have to wheel him around in a dolly 213 00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:02,443 Terrible how people let themselves go over something like that 214 00:19:05,327 --> 00:19:08,637 Oh, God, not like this character 215 00:19:08,727 --> 00:19:12,242 Oh, yes, let's make bereavement glamorous 216 00:19:12,327 --> 00:19:14,921 She's supposed to be mourning her husband 217 00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:20,081 Looks more like one of those bimbos on Page 3 with a bootlace between their buttocks 218 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,795 It's just a trademark, it's not meant to be taken literally 219 00:19:22,887 --> 00:19:26,721 It's everything that's wrong with the values of today, Margaret 220 00:19:26,807 --> 00:19:30,766 Like I said before, you just can't see it 221 00:20:11,807 --> 00:20:13,957 For me? You drive me? 222 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:18,279 Yes, how do you do? I'm Victor Did you have a good flight? 223 00:20:18,807 --> 00:20:21,640 (SPEAKING IN HINDI) 224 00:20:28,247 --> 00:20:33,241 Exhausted, I suppose, aren't you? Never mind, you can have a nice nap on the way back 225 00:20:33,447 --> 00:20:36,405 Do you want to come with me? Here, let me take that 226 00:20:46,207 --> 00:20:48,721 We've got a lady here we think is diabetic 227 00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:51,879 If we could organise an ambulance, please, to go to the hospital 228 00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:05,286 Here we are, back safe and sound 229 00:21:37,487 --> 00:21:39,205 Wakey-wakey 230 00:21:39,287 --> 00:21:43,599 This is where we have to get out, I'm afraid Come on 231 00:22:02,807 --> 00:22:05,685 Mind your step as you go 232 00:22:22,047 --> 00:22:23,241 Right 233 00:22:23,327 --> 00:22:25,238 (SPEAKING IN HINDI) 234 00:22:28,607 --> 00:22:32,725 Right Now, I'm going to have to leave you to it now, I'm afraid, Mrs Akhani 235 00:22:32,807 --> 00:22:36,402 Be getting back for my lunch You've got your own keys, haven't you? 236 00:22:36,687 --> 00:22:40,646 These are the ones that we keep to pop in and make sure you're okay 237 00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:44,561 Now make sure that that front door is properly locked, all right? 238 00:22:44,647 --> 00:22:46,717 There's a lot of nasty people around 239 00:23:02,647 --> 00:23:06,606 Whoever it was that kidnapped Mrs Khan only minutes after she arrived in the country, 240 00:23:06,727 --> 00:23:08,957 they were obviously very sophisticated operators. 241 00:23:13,127 --> 00:23:18,121 As yet, we've received no actual ransom note or demands from those responsible. 242 00:23:18,567 --> 00:23:22,799 But, in view of the fact that her son is one of the wealthiest businessmen in Britain, 243 00:23:22,887 --> 00:23:25,765 I would imagine they'll be looking for a six-figure sum. 244 00:23:26,287 --> 00:23:27,640 (PHONE RINGING) 245 00:23:27,727 --> 00:23:29,638 ...and see what the weather has in store for us. 246 00:23:30,047 --> 00:23:31,924 Good evening to you. Well, it's fairly clear across the south 247 00:23:32,007 --> 00:23:33,884 or, at least, it will be for a while. 248 00:23:33,967 --> 00:23:36,561 Some mist and fog have been lingering all day in the Vale of York. 249 00:23:44,127 --> 00:23:45,480 4291 250 00:23:46,287 --> 00:23:48,642 Jean, how are you? 251 00:23:48,727 --> 00:23:50,718 No, no, no, just outside 252 00:23:50,807 --> 00:23:54,561 Oh, you know, trying to bring a few wilting specimens back to life 253 00:24:02,887 --> 00:24:03,956 Uh-huh 254 00:24:06,607 --> 00:24:10,486 I think I still have the number for that somewhere Could you just bear with me? 255 00:24:26,567 --> 00:24:29,127 Oh, my God! 256 00:24:31,487 --> 00:24:34,797 Don't tell me I've reached that stage now 257 00:24:36,207 --> 00:24:37,560 Please! 258 00:24:44,407 --> 00:24:48,764 Oh, you're welcome Yes, good luck with it anyway Bye 259 00:24:48,847 --> 00:24:50,280 What's the matter with you? 260 00:24:51,487 --> 00:24:54,001 Well, I don't like to say 261 00:24:55,247 --> 00:24:57,761 I think I may have wet 262 00:24:57,847 --> 00:25:01,726 Oh, yes, I gave you a bit of a sprinkle I thought it might wake you up 263 00:25:05,527 --> 00:25:07,836 Gave me a bit of a 264 00:25:07,927 --> 00:25:09,724 You did Well 265 00:25:10,607 --> 00:25:13,724 Well, thank you very much for that, Margaret 266 00:25:13,807 --> 00:25:18,244 You know I've got four pairs of trousers in the dry cleaners' at the moment 267 00:25:18,327 --> 00:25:19,316 (EXCLAIMING) 268 00:25:20,767 --> 00:25:22,723 (MUMBLING) 269 00:25:40,287 --> 00:25:41,640 Anyone in? 270 00:25:42,967 --> 00:25:47,961 Oh, afternoon, Mr Meldrew And how are youtoday? 271 00:25:50,407 --> 00:25:53,160 Hello Yes, fine And you? 272 00:25:55,647 --> 00:25:58,445 Fine, yes Thank you 273 00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:02,646 Betty, how's things? Oh, thanks ever so much for the other evening, 274 00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:06,879 -we really enjoyed ourselves -Oh, you're more than welcome 275 00:26:06,967 --> 00:26:10,118 I was wondering if I could leave our front door key while we're away 276 00:26:10,207 --> 00:26:12,675 and the code for the alarm just in case of emergencies 277 00:26:12,767 --> 00:26:15,964 Of course, no problem Come on through, I'll make a cup of tea 278 00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:18,681 Oh, wouldn't say no 279 00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:25,283 Looking forward to your break, I bet 280 00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:30,157 That's something I've never done, rented a cottage, but always fancied the sound of 281 00:26:30,247 --> 00:26:34,877 Well, listen, if you're interested, we got ours from this woman someone recommended us to 282 00:26:34,967 --> 00:26:38,004 I know she's got plenty more in her books, I could give her a ring if you like, 283 00:26:38,087 --> 00:26:41,762 -see what else is still available -Well, if it's no trouble 284 00:26:41,927 --> 00:26:46,955 Or, I'll tell you what I have got is a letter in here somewhere, 285 00:26:47,887 --> 00:26:52,881 with her address and phone number on Do you want to contact her yourself? 286 00:26:56,287 --> 00:26:57,481 (DOORBELL RINGING) 287 00:27:02,407 --> 00:27:03,726 Thank you very much 288 00:27:10,567 --> 00:27:14,162 -Oh Did -Oh, what the hell is it now? 289 00:27:14,247 --> 00:27:17,319 -Is it It's gone! -What's gone? 290 00:27:17,407 --> 00:27:19,762 I thought it was much lighter in the front room 291 00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,839 Ring the police Ring Interpol 292 00:27:30,167 --> 00:27:33,000 You bloody thieving yobs! 293 00:27:34,447 --> 00:27:36,517 What have you done with my caravan? 294 00:28:04,487 --> 00:28:05,476 Oh 295 00:28:08,087 --> 00:28:11,841 Fine, I see You didn't waste much time then 296 00:28:11,927 --> 00:28:12,996 Doing what? 297 00:28:13,087 --> 00:28:17,160 ''Dear Mrs M, I understand you and your husband are looking for a holiday home to rent 298 00:28:17,247 --> 00:28:19,124 ''from the 1 6th to the 30th inclusive, 299 00:28:19,207 --> 00:28:22,722 ''and have great pleasure in offering you Number 5, Laurel Park, 300 00:28:22,807 --> 00:28:25,799 ''which is a delightful two-bedroom cottage near Cromer'' 301 00:28:25,887 --> 00:28:27,923 Doesn't that sound idyllic? 302 00:28:29,567 --> 00:28:31,080 (PHONE RINGING) 303 00:28:37,447 --> 00:28:38,562 4291 304 00:28:39,807 --> 00:28:43,163 -Speaking Ah, Stan, how are you? -''Delightful two-bedroom cottage'' 305 00:28:43,327 --> 00:28:46,524 -She must've rung her up straight away -Oh, you're not serious! 306 00:28:46,607 --> 00:28:50,282 Well, we have been promising ourselves something this year 307 00:28:50,367 --> 00:28:52,881 And what with your big idea falling through 308 00:28:52,967 --> 00:28:57,518 Yes, I will, Stan, thanks very much I'll buy you a drink for this Cheers 309 00:28:57,607 --> 00:29:01,919 Can you believe that? Stan, down the road, he's found it 310 00:29:02,007 --> 00:29:03,486 Our caravan! 311 00:29:04,447 --> 00:29:07,200 Only in Archie's scrap yard, if you please 312 00:29:07,287 --> 00:29:11,644 Popped in there first thing for a part for his car, there it was as large as life 313 00:29:12,127 --> 00:29:16,518 Hadn't stole it after all, whoever it was, just dumped it down there for devilment 314 00:29:16,687 --> 00:29:19,155 Dump them for devilment if I ever find them 315 00:29:19,247 --> 00:29:22,523 Who can you think of who'd want to do a thing like that? 316 00:29:28,447 --> 00:29:31,041 Hello, my name is Meldrew 317 00:29:31,127 --> 00:29:33,322 I believe you've got a caravan of mine down there 318 00:29:33,447 --> 00:29:36,803 that some bastard towed away from my house yesterday afternoon 319 00:29:38,487 --> 00:29:42,400 Like it back? Of course I bloody well would! 320 00:29:42,487 --> 00:29:44,637 Well, as soon as What? 321 00:29:45,327 --> 00:29:47,636 Well, I'll be in all morning 322 00:29:48,167 --> 00:29:49,885 Sorry? 323 00:29:49,967 --> 00:29:51,036 Ah! 324 00:29:53,207 --> 00:29:55,596 He wants to speak to you for some reason 325 00:29:59,687 --> 00:30:01,279 Hello, Archie 326 00:30:01,367 --> 00:30:04,439 Yes, that was a spot of luck, wasn't it? 327 00:30:04,527 --> 00:30:07,803 What can I say, Mrs Meldrew? I followed your instructions to the letter 328 00:30:07,887 --> 00:30:12,039 I got it down here, no problem If it wasn't for that nosy parker neighbour 329 00:30:12,167 --> 00:30:14,442 Now it's all gone tits-up, I'm afraid 330 00:30:14,847 --> 00:30:19,125 I mean, I've got no choice He wants it back I'm gonna have to bring it 331 00:30:19,967 --> 00:30:24,324 Yes, well, tell her I'm glad she's feeling better 332 00:30:24,407 --> 00:30:26,762 And give her my love 333 00:30:27,087 --> 00:30:28,486 Bye, Archie! 334 00:30:34,487 --> 00:30:37,684 Well, I think I'll start on that painting this morning, out the back 335 00:30:37,767 --> 00:30:38,882 You are? 336 00:30:38,967 --> 00:30:42,642 Well, you cocked up the previous arrangement, so I thought I'd have a go at it myself 337 00:30:42,727 --> 00:30:44,638 Well, be careful climbing ladders 338 00:30:47,367 --> 00:30:52,236 Archie's scrap yard indeed Doesn't do my colon any good at all, all this 339 00:30:58,687 --> 00:31:00,678 (HAWAII FIVE-O THEME PLAYING) 340 00:31:04,687 --> 00:31:06,166 (DOORBELL RINGING) 341 00:31:06,447 --> 00:31:08,802 ARCHIE: Brought your caravan back, Mr Meldrew 342 00:31:08,887 --> 00:31:11,959 Oh, just a sec, I'll get some shoes on 343 00:31:26,847 --> 00:31:29,964 What in the name of bloody hell! 344 00:31:33,607 --> 00:31:38,635 -Oh, for the love of Mike! -Well, it had already gone in, Mr Meldrew 345 00:31:38,727 --> 00:31:40,558 You can't be serious 346 00:31:43,087 --> 00:31:46,284 Well, you did say you'd like it back I wasn't wrong 347 00:31:46,527 --> 00:31:49,963 Well, I mean in the name of all that's holy, are you telling me 348 00:31:50,047 --> 00:31:53,278 this is what Stan saw when he said he'd found it down in your 349 00:31:53,367 --> 00:31:55,198 I mean, for God's sake! 350 00:31:55,847 --> 00:31:58,281 What would I want with a bloody 351 00:32:01,687 --> 00:32:03,484 I don't believe 352 00:32:04,367 --> 00:32:06,517 No, no, I'm right 353 00:32:06,607 --> 00:32:10,395 Fine Right You can take it away now, then Thank you very much 354 00:32:10,487 --> 00:32:12,523 -Sorry, Mr Meldrew? -This isn't my caravan 355 00:32:12,607 --> 00:32:15,075 -Come again? -This isn't my caravan! 356 00:32:15,167 --> 00:32:19,001 Mine was white with a yellow streak This has got blue in it 357 00:32:19,567 --> 00:32:24,561 Heh So if you'll be so kind, I'm afraid all this has been a case of mistaken identity 358 00:32:25,647 --> 00:32:30,038 You're winding me up This is yours It's got to be yours 359 00:32:30,487 --> 00:32:32,443 Come on, what are you playing at? 360 00:32:33,687 --> 00:32:36,838 And, if I'm not mistaken, here comes the proof! 361 00:32:46,207 --> 00:32:49,085 Ruddy Smith brothers from Canal Side Estate 362 00:32:50,167 --> 00:32:54,126 Might have known they'd be behind it Family of gangsters 363 00:32:54,887 --> 00:32:56,366 Nick anything that moves 364 00:32:56,687 --> 00:32:59,679 Nailed a bloke's ear to a railway sleeper the other week 365 00:33:00,167 --> 00:33:02,442 I don't envy the coppers that had to go round there 366 00:33:02,527 --> 00:33:04,324 Well, it doesn't alter the fact 367 00:33:04,407 --> 00:33:09,037 that you're not getting me to go away in that chamber of horrors, this year or ever 368 00:33:09,127 --> 00:33:12,563 Oh, mind yourself on that paint, I've only just finished the undercoat 369 00:33:13,967 --> 00:33:16,322 Oh, I suppose it's to be the cottage, is it? 370 00:33:16,407 --> 00:33:20,241 As usual I've got to knuckle down and do as you want to do 371 00:33:20,327 --> 00:33:22,477 Would it be that much of an ordeal? 372 00:33:23,567 --> 00:33:27,719 Well, do you want to ring that woman up and tell her yes? 373 00:33:28,407 --> 00:33:29,965 I already have 374 00:33:30,647 --> 00:33:33,844 Left a message saying we'd pick the keys up from the neighbour 375 00:33:33,927 --> 00:33:36,521 And I'll put a cheque in the post for the deposit 376 00:33:38,407 --> 00:33:40,841 You'll enjoy it once you're there 377 00:33:42,007 --> 00:33:45,920 It'll help you to relax Get rid of some of that tummy tension 378 00:33:48,767 --> 00:33:52,919 Well, I'm going to go and have a nice, long soak for an hour 379 00:33:54,767 --> 00:33:57,156 And light my aromatherapy candles 380 00:33:58,687 --> 00:34:01,281 I'll give you a shout when your tea's ready 381 00:34:15,447 --> 00:34:18,120 Oh, my God! 382 00:34:30,887 --> 00:34:34,163 Would you mind not putting white spirits down this toilet in future? 383 00:34:34,247 --> 00:34:35,316 Sorry? 384 00:34:35,887 --> 00:34:37,764 COMMENTATOR ON TV: The Undertaker ready for business, 385 00:34:37,847 --> 00:34:39,758 right back up at King Kong Bundy 386 00:34:39,847 --> 00:34:41,280 Bundy, with a series of forearm... 387 00:34:41,367 --> 00:34:45,645 Look at that, I set it for Verdi's Requiem, it's recorded American wrestling 388 00:34:47,567 --> 00:34:50,161 Did you hear someone scream just then next door? 389 00:34:50,447 --> 00:34:51,766 No Why, what's up? 390 00:34:52,247 --> 00:34:53,396 No 391 00:34:53,487 --> 00:34:57,958 You know how these stories prey on your mind about naked men outside the window 392 00:34:58,567 --> 00:35:00,478 It's just that 393 00:35:00,567 --> 00:35:05,561 I heard on the grapevine he'd been hauled in by the police the other day for indecent exposure 394 00:35:06,367 --> 00:35:09,996 Well, probably, someone got the wrong end of the stick, I know 395 00:35:10,087 --> 00:35:12,920 Only when I was round there yesterday 396 00:35:14,047 --> 00:35:15,480 Spit it out 397 00:35:16,327 --> 00:35:20,081 Well, he appeared to be having sex with a radiator 398 00:35:20,927 --> 00:35:22,326 Stop it 399 00:35:22,407 --> 00:35:24,967 Listen, if you were Mrs Blithery's parents, three doors along 400 00:35:25,047 --> 00:35:26,924 -you'd have something to worry about -How's that? 401 00:35:27,007 --> 00:35:29,567 Well, apparently they'd just stopped off on their way back from holiday 402 00:35:29,647 --> 00:35:31,365 to visit their daughter 403 00:35:31,447 --> 00:35:36,441 Parked outside here, spanking new caravan, someone nicked it, ended up in the crusher 404 00:35:38,367 --> 00:35:42,519 -What's the mentality of people these days? -You tell me 405 00:35:50,007 --> 00:35:51,804 Bloody machines! 406 00:36:30,567 --> 00:36:33,639 What on earth! Don't tell me 407 00:36:33,727 --> 00:36:36,446 You went out and forgot your keys 408 00:36:37,487 --> 00:36:39,205 Oh, dear 409 00:36:39,527 --> 00:36:41,483 (SPEAKING IN HINDI) 410 00:36:44,207 --> 00:36:47,643 Been through that before once myself, when someone fitted new locks 411 00:36:47,727 --> 00:36:51,515 But you've got to be careful You could have split your head 412 00:36:54,247 --> 00:36:56,886 Right, in you come There we are 413 00:36:56,967 --> 00:36:59,276 (SPEAKING IN HINDI) 414 00:37:08,007 --> 00:37:09,838 Right What's this? 415 00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:14,682 Please, telephone You telephone my son, Chaudhary Khan 416 00:37:14,767 --> 00:37:17,759 I will, of course The minute I get back 417 00:37:19,407 --> 00:37:21,557 (VIDEO GAME NOISES) 418 00:37:25,767 --> 00:37:26,995 (EXCLAIMING IRRITABLY) 419 00:37:31,847 --> 00:37:35,123 Where have you been? I thought we were going to try and get away just after lunch 420 00:37:35,207 --> 00:37:38,005 We've got plenty of time I just called in at the garage, 421 00:37:38,087 --> 00:37:41,762 got them to check all the electrics over and get that dodgy handbrake sorted out 422 00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:45,158 And then I called in again on that old dear to make sure she was all right 423 00:37:45,247 --> 00:37:46,726 And just as well I did 424 00:37:46,807 --> 00:37:49,241 Now, I've just got a very quick phone call to make 425 00:37:49,327 --> 00:37:51,363 Well, you won't make it on that contraption 426 00:37:51,447 --> 00:37:56,362 The bloody thing's just committed hari-kiri The whole line's gone completely dead now 427 00:37:56,447 --> 00:37:57,926 You're joking 428 00:38:03,327 --> 00:38:05,124 I know what I can do 429 00:38:05,887 --> 00:38:07,320 Where are you going now? 430 00:38:08,367 --> 00:38:10,164 (BURGLAR ALARM RINGING) 431 00:38:32,047 --> 00:38:35,084 Hello, I'd like to speak to Chaudhary Khan 432 00:38:35,247 --> 00:38:37,636 Oh, it is? Right 433 00:38:37,727 --> 00:38:41,356 You don't know me I carried out a little job yesterday 434 00:38:41,447 --> 00:38:44,598 Collecting your mother from the airport 435 00:38:45,447 --> 00:38:49,998 She's perfectly safe and well at the moment but she was rather anxious that I give you a 436 00:38:53,767 --> 00:38:55,678 I beg your pardon? 437 00:38:57,447 --> 00:38:59,199 Will you indeed? 438 00:39:00,927 --> 00:39:02,645 I don't have to listen to this 439 00:39:03,967 --> 00:39:07,846 Yeah, I don't know what your problem is but another time, I won't bother 440 00:39:10,887 --> 00:39:12,445 I'm sorry 441 00:39:12,527 --> 00:39:15,439 It was the sound of his voice I just 442 00:39:15,647 --> 00:39:19,606 It's okay I think we got a trace Yup, that's it, lads, we're in business 443 00:39:26,047 --> 00:39:28,515 MARGARET: Ten to three in the morning! 444 00:39:28,607 --> 00:39:31,405 How can we go knocking up that neighbour at this hour? 445 00:39:31,487 --> 00:39:34,160 VICTOR: No, look, she's left it open for us Bless her 446 00:39:34,887 --> 00:39:36,206 VICTOR: We're in 447 00:39:42,087 --> 00:39:44,157 Oh, I'm dead on my feet 448 00:39:45,407 --> 00:39:48,479 Three and a half hours 449 00:39:48,567 --> 00:39:51,764 stuck on that bloody hard shoulder, 450 00:39:52,287 --> 00:39:55,324 while people just slowed down to laugh at us 451 00:39:56,087 --> 00:39:58,555 ''Checked all the electrics over'' 452 00:39:59,567 --> 00:40:02,559 Why you go back to that fly-by-night garage, 453 00:40:02,647 --> 00:40:05,480 when one of them had to look up carburettor in the dictionary? 454 00:40:05,567 --> 00:40:09,719 Well, at least the handbrake didn't pack up on us this time It could've been much worse 455 00:40:10,207 --> 00:40:13,802 Oh Can we leave everything now till morning? 456 00:40:14,327 --> 00:40:17,478 I'm going up those stairs, if my legs will carry me and just collapse 457 00:40:26,047 --> 00:40:27,605 (MARGARET SNORING) 458 00:41:25,927 --> 00:41:30,000 Sorry, did I wake you? Suddenly thought I'd forgotten to lock the back door 459 00:41:30,767 --> 00:41:35,477 It's so hot, I just had to smoosh my face Night-night 460 00:41:36,087 --> 00:41:37,076 DEREK: (YAWNING) Night 461 00:42:15,007 --> 00:42:16,520 (FLOORBOARD CREAKING) 462 00:42:16,767 --> 00:42:17,756 (BETTY EXCLAIMING) 463 00:42:38,647 --> 00:42:42,481 I'm too sticky Do you mind if I read for a bit? 464 00:43:06,887 --> 00:43:08,718 (DOOR CLOSING) 465 00:44:16,887 --> 00:44:18,684 (BETTY SCREAMING) 466 00:44:21,087 --> 00:44:25,683 MARGARET: I'm really sorry, Betty Have a nice holiday Bye 467 00:44:25,767 --> 00:44:28,122 VICTOR: Yeah, bye BETTY: Bye 468 00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:30,038 Bye 469 00:44:32,647 --> 00:44:36,879 Well, no real damage done, I suppose 470 00:44:36,967 --> 00:44:40,516 You see things like that in your sleep, 471 00:44:41,847 --> 00:44:46,841 you don't know any more, what's nightmare and what's reality 472 00:44:47,527 --> 00:44:49,006 Are you okay? 473 00:44:49,567 --> 00:44:54,561 -Yes, I'm fine Absolutely fine -You can see exactly how it happened 474 00:44:55,407 --> 00:44:59,685 I left our letter there for them with her address and phone number at the top 475 00:44:59,767 --> 00:45:02,645 He picked it up thinking she'd written to them 476 00:45:02,727 --> 00:45:05,446 And Oh, well, 477 00:45:05,887 --> 00:45:09,163 it's all sorted now anyway 478 00:45:09,247 --> 00:45:11,920 We've got the whole two weeks ahead of us, 479 00:45:12,007 --> 00:45:16,478 of peace and quiet, to relax away all our troubles 480 00:45:17,727 --> 00:45:21,083 Yes, you're right Of course, you're right 481 00:45:26,887 --> 00:45:30,436 That's it No tricks No clever moves No funny business 482 00:45:30,527 --> 00:45:35,203 Derek John McVitie, you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Mrs Sandithi Khan 483 00:45:50,447 --> 00:45:52,119 5:45 484 00:45:54,567 --> 00:45:57,035 I'll tell you what we could do now, if we got our act together 485 00:45:57,127 --> 00:45:59,436 No! Before you even say it 486 00:45:59,927 --> 00:46:01,326 What was I going to say? 487 00:46:01,407 --> 00:46:04,444 I know what you were gonna say, and the answer is no 488 00:46:04,527 --> 00:46:08,281 Well, we're all geared up for it now The thing is just sitting out there 489 00:46:08,367 --> 00:46:10,278 We could be down the coast in three hours 490 00:46:10,367 --> 00:46:13,518 Have a nice time and gradually head west into Devon and Cornwall 491 00:46:13,607 --> 00:46:16,917 For some bizarre reason, 492 00:46:17,007 --> 00:46:19,567 I am not in the mood! 493 00:46:19,647 --> 00:46:21,524 I wonder why 494 00:46:22,127 --> 00:46:26,120 Now if you want to take your hook with your hell home on wheels, fine! 495 00:46:26,207 --> 00:46:28,562 Off you go, and good luck! 496 00:46:28,647 --> 00:46:31,036 You're not still on about this haunted caravan, are you? 497 00:46:31,127 --> 00:46:33,595 -I wish I'd never told you now -Oh, yes? 498 00:46:33,687 --> 00:46:36,485 Like the other things you haven't told me about! 499 00:46:37,967 --> 00:46:40,162 What's that supposed to mean? 500 00:46:41,927 --> 00:46:43,485 Margaret! 501 00:46:43,567 --> 00:46:46,161 Just what the hell's that supposed to mean? 502 00:46:46,247 --> 00:46:47,600 You have me believe 503 00:46:47,687 --> 00:46:52,636 that these things all just happen because that's the way the world is, but I don't see it 504 00:46:52,807 --> 00:46:57,642 Do they, Victor, just happen? Or do you make them happen? 505 00:46:57,767 --> 00:47:01,476 Make them Oh, yes, that was just the ticket, all that this morning 506 00:47:01,567 --> 00:47:03,319 I mean, there's nothing I like better 507 00:47:03,407 --> 00:47:08,401 than sprawling about on a glass roof without any clothes on terrorising innocent housewives 508 00:47:09,887 --> 00:47:11,115 What? 509 00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:13,322 What? 510 00:47:15,167 --> 00:47:16,486 You don't 511 00:47:17,727 --> 00:47:21,197 This surely isn't about the other day 512 00:47:21,887 --> 00:47:23,843 When I was at the police 513 00:47:28,007 --> 00:47:31,204 You don't seriously think it could be me? 514 00:47:31,927 --> 00:47:35,124 That pervert they're after in the cap and the raincoat 515 00:47:36,847 --> 00:47:38,565 You don't actually think 516 00:47:38,647 --> 00:47:43,402 I could go out and do something like that to women in the street 517 00:47:43,847 --> 00:47:47,635 Well, you certainly don't do it to me 518 00:48:04,887 --> 00:48:09,677 I'm going down to Dorset for a couple of weeks in the caravan 519 00:48:09,767 --> 00:48:11,405 Will you come with me? 520 00:48:18,647 --> 00:48:20,080 Right 521 00:48:20,767 --> 00:48:22,917 I'll see you then, Margaret 522 00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:34,646 (DOOR CLOSING) 523 00:48:41,287 --> 00:48:43,005 It's no problem, Mr McVitie 524 00:48:43,087 --> 00:48:47,126 I'm a relatively young man and I'll sit here as long as it takes, 525 00:48:47,207 --> 00:48:51,485 till you tell me where it is you've hidden that young gentleman's mother 526 00:48:51,567 --> 00:48:53,717 -Is it cold in here? -Mr McVitie 527 00:48:53,807 --> 00:48:56,560 Look, I'd like to make two formal requests please, 528 00:48:56,647 --> 00:48:58,478 for a phone call to my solicitor, 529 00:48:58,567 --> 00:49:03,004 and a large tube of hydrocortisone skin cream 530 00:49:39,807 --> 00:49:41,286 (OWL HOOTING) 531 00:50:04,367 --> 00:50:05,356 (CLANGING) 532 00:51:16,887 --> 00:51:20,243 Oh! Bloody machines! 533 00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:21,316 (DIALLING TONE) 534 00:51:32,887 --> 00:51:35,924 Oh, hello Yes, my name's Margaret Meldrew 535 00:51:36,007 --> 00:51:38,282 I had an appointment for this morning, 536 00:51:38,367 --> 00:51:41,325 which I had to cancel, although I could make it now 537 00:51:41,407 --> 00:51:43,159 And I was just wondering if you could 538 00:51:44,487 --> 00:51:48,719 Oh, no, no 9:30 would be fine 539 00:51:48,807 --> 00:51:51,958 Er, yes Dr Clarke 540 00:51:53,287 --> 00:51:56,359 Thanks very much Bye 541 00:52:11,767 --> 00:52:14,156 Any other problems, apart from that? 542 00:52:14,247 --> 00:52:18,525 No Just reading really And anything close up 543 00:52:19,367 --> 00:52:21,358 Threading a needle or whatever 544 00:52:22,487 --> 00:52:25,445 Getting old, I suppose Everything withering up 545 00:52:25,527 --> 00:52:29,236 Oh, I wouldn't say that's the case at all, Mrs Meldrew 546 00:52:29,327 --> 00:52:33,002 Now then, eyes wide open, if you will 547 00:52:35,687 --> 00:52:38,360 And look to your left 548 00:52:39,927 --> 00:52:42,077 And to your right 549 00:52:43,167 --> 00:52:45,123 And up 550 00:52:46,367 --> 00:52:48,881 And now look down 551 00:52:52,447 --> 00:52:55,917 Oh, my God 552 00:53:08,687 --> 00:53:13,681 Well, at least the police have got him now, I suppose that's something to be grateful for 553 00:53:13,807 --> 00:53:14,842 How're you feeling, Mrs Meldrew? 554 00:53:14,927 --> 00:53:17,805 You're still reeling from the shock of it all, I should think 555 00:53:17,887 --> 00:53:19,639 Funny, I can see it now 556 00:53:19,727 --> 00:53:23,117 Yeah, well, if you don't dwell on it then surely it'll fade with time 557 00:53:23,207 --> 00:53:28,201 No, no, no No, I mean, I do see it, what Victor was always on about 558 00:53:29,287 --> 00:53:31,323 Well, it's not a pretty sight 559 00:53:33,487 --> 00:53:38,038 I wonder how he's getting on down there with his ghosts and spirits 560 00:53:40,367 --> 00:53:43,439 What do you think, Mr Swainey, about it all? 561 00:53:44,327 --> 00:53:46,079 Is this all there is? 562 00:53:46,167 --> 00:53:47,998 Oh, I don't know 563 00:53:49,327 --> 00:53:54,321 You'd love to believe, wouldn't you, that those you cared about are still there somewhere? 564 00:53:54,447 --> 00:53:57,359 Keeping a benevolent eye on us But 565 00:54:00,247 --> 00:54:04,001 I think the best thing for me now is to keep on the go 566 00:54:04,087 --> 00:54:06,760 You don't have a decent sized ladder I could borrow at all? 567 00:54:06,847 --> 00:54:10,362 There are still some bits of paintwork upstairs I haven't quite managed to get to 568 00:54:36,047 --> 00:54:40,199 Oh, God, is that the time? I've got to go 569 00:54:42,687 --> 00:54:47,681 Oh, not just yet, Margaret Margaret, don't go just 570 00:57:01,127 --> 00:57:05,086 MAN: Don't try anything on your own, sir You'll capsize the bugger! 571 00:57:05,167 --> 00:57:09,285 Over here, boys! We need some muscle! Let's go! 572 00:57:12,367 --> 00:57:16,246 No worries, sir We'll have this safe for you in no time at all! 573 00:57:19,527 --> 00:57:21,279 MAN: Heave! 574 00:57:30,647 --> 00:57:32,683 MAN: Bit more, bit more Good! 575 00:57:33,327 --> 00:57:34,316 Very good 576 00:57:40,087 --> 00:57:42,237 There you go then, sir You're all set 577 00:57:42,327 --> 00:57:45,842 Thank you very much indeed For everything and 578 00:57:45,927 --> 00:57:49,602 Oh, you're a trooper, sir It's not necessary, but cheers 579 00:58:21,527 --> 00:58:23,006 Margaret! 580 00:58:26,287 --> 00:58:27,925 Are you in? 581 00:58:32,247 --> 00:58:34,841 Mr Meldrew Oh, God 582 00:58:35,327 --> 00:58:36,806 What's the matter? What's wrong? 583 00:58:36,887 --> 00:58:39,959 We've had messages out for you on Radio 4 and all sorts 584 00:58:40,047 --> 00:58:43,756 Mrs Meldrew, she'd just gone up a ladder, outside here, to do some painting 585 00:58:43,847 --> 00:58:45,963 I said, did she want me to do it? 586 00:58:46,047 --> 00:58:49,278 She said, if I could just stand and hold the bottom, she'd be fine 587 00:58:49,367 --> 00:58:53,883 Well, she'd done the bathroom and she just got started on the bedroom, and 588 00:58:53,967 --> 00:58:57,198 Oh, I don't know I mean, the first thing I knew, I somehow half caught her 589 00:58:57,287 --> 00:58:59,596 (STAMMERING) Her foot slipped? 590 00:58:59,847 --> 00:59:02,281 They're saying it was a heart attack 591 00:59:08,247 --> 00:59:10,078 (HEART MONITOR BEEPING) 592 00:59:23,047 --> 00:59:24,446 (HEART MONITOR FLAT-LINING) 593 00:59:59,047 --> 01:00:04,644 # Well, the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice 594 01:00:07,727 --> 01:00:13,836 # The river runs deep And the water is cold as ice 595 01:00:16,487 --> 01:00:19,957 # I go down there every chance I get 596 01:00:21,207 --> 01:00:24,244 # It's where my baby She met her death 597 01:00:24,327 --> 01:00:29,720 #And the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice 598 01:00:33,047 --> 01:00:38,041 #Ain't no woman gonna make a fool out of me 599 01:00:41,447 --> 01:00:46,475 #Ain't no woman gonna make a fool out of me 600 01:00:50,447 --> 01:00:53,200 # Running 'round, that's what they said 601 01:00:54,447 --> 01:00:57,803 # She's at the bottom of the river dead 602 01:00:57,887 --> 01:01:03,245 #And the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice 603 01:01:10,567 --> 01:01:15,960 # No cheating woman gonna get a good man down 604 01:01:19,207 --> 01:01:24,201 # No cheating woman gonna get a good man down 605 01:01:28,327 --> 01:01:31,478 # Running 'round like a silly fool 606 01:01:31,687 --> 01:01:35,919 # You're gonna end up at the bottom of the pool 607 01:01:36,007 --> 01:01:41,400 #And the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice # 608 01:01:57,087 --> 01:01:58,520 (DOOR OPENING) 609 01:02:04,607 --> 01:02:06,245 Bloody machines! 610 01:02:06,327 --> 01:02:07,396 We've only had them a week 611 01:02:07,487 --> 01:02:09,842 and already they're prone to malfunctions of this kind 612 01:02:10,447 --> 01:02:14,679 There's a circuitry problem somewhere We're going to have to send them back 613 01:02:14,767 --> 01:02:16,564 Actually, 614 01:02:16,647 --> 01:02:19,161 she's picking up rather well, Mr Meldrew 615 01:02:19,247 --> 01:02:21,397 I'm not nearly as concerned as I was 616 01:02:21,487 --> 01:02:25,036 after that very scary moment in your garden 617 01:02:25,127 --> 01:02:27,118 I don't know if Sister told you, 618 01:02:27,207 --> 01:02:30,916 for a couple of seconds, at 1 0:37 this morning, she was technically dead 619 01:02:31,487 --> 01:02:35,196 You've got a couple of very skilled paramedics to thank she's still with us 620 01:02:36,087 --> 01:02:38,123 Probably an idea to get some rest yourself now 621 01:02:38,207 --> 01:02:41,597 We'll let you know as soon as there's any change 622 01:02:42,527 --> 01:02:44,119 (HEART MONITOR BEEPING) 623 01:02:48,887 --> 01:02:50,445 (SNORING) 624 01:03:05,887 --> 01:03:09,323 -You all right, Mr Meldrew? -Yes, it's just 625 01:03:10,327 --> 01:03:12,045 1 0:37 626 01:03:12,127 --> 01:03:13,242 Sorry? 627 01:03:13,327 --> 01:03:16,763 That's what it said on our clock in that caravan this morning 628 01:03:16,847 --> 01:03:18,803 I'd just been dreaming that she was there 629 01:03:18,887 --> 01:03:21,685 She said it was time for her to go, 630 01:03:21,767 --> 01:03:25,237 and I said, ''No, don't go just yet'' 631 01:03:27,527 --> 01:03:30,803 Oh, God, that is spooky In the caravan? 632 01:03:34,967 --> 01:03:38,118 Oh, hello Look who it is, Mr Meldrew 633 01:03:38,847 --> 01:03:43,079 -Wonder what she's doing here I hope she's okay -Yes, right 634 01:03:45,727 --> 01:03:46,955 Should I know her? 635 01:03:47,047 --> 01:03:50,005 It's Mrs Akhani, the lady you picked up the other day from the airport 636 01:03:50,087 --> 01:03:52,647 The lady I picked up from 637 01:03:52,727 --> 01:03:56,163 I'm sorry, I've never seen that woman before in my life 638 01:03:56,967 --> 01:04:01,119 Well, if that's not Who on earth did you 639 01:04:01,207 --> 01:04:05,359 Mind your backs please! We've got a collapsed nervous hysteric coming through 640 01:04:05,447 --> 01:04:08,405 Just try and relax, Mr McVitie, while we get you down 641 01:04:09,447 --> 01:04:12,041 Everybody calm Don't let him out of your sight 642 01:04:12,167 --> 01:04:15,159 If this is some ruse to try and slip the net, he's not getting away 643 01:04:15,247 --> 01:04:16,236 I'll tell you that now 644 01:04:20,527 --> 01:04:22,358 (DOOR CLOSING) 645 01:04:22,887 --> 01:04:26,277 Unbelievable! People on the roads today! 646 01:04:26,367 --> 01:04:29,882 Have you noticed that going round a roundabout now is like Russian roulette 647 01:04:29,967 --> 01:04:31,639 People don't ever bother to stop any more, 648 01:04:31,727 --> 01:04:34,685 they just shoot straight on as if they didn't have a minute to live! 649 01:04:34,767 --> 01:04:38,601 What did the doctor say? Does he think you need counselling for your stress? 650 01:04:39,527 --> 01:04:42,405 That was another thing That locum, the one I saw first, 651 01:04:42,487 --> 01:04:45,320 remember, the one who looks like Pee Wee Herman? 652 01:04:45,407 --> 01:04:49,082 Do you know what he'd actually put in my notes on that computer screen? 653 01:04:49,167 --> 01:04:53,558 He'd only mistyped ''analyst?'' as ''anal cyst''! 654 01:04:55,407 --> 01:04:59,195 Honest to God truth, a ''C'' had crept in there somewhere 655 01:04:59,287 --> 01:05:03,360 There I am, lying there with everything down, thinking, ''This can't be right'' 656 01:05:04,407 --> 01:05:07,717 He was about to stick this ruddy great chrome instrument 657 01:05:12,087 --> 01:05:13,486 I'm sorry 658 01:05:15,727 --> 01:05:19,845 Well, anyway, he gave me some more diazepam in the end 659 01:05:21,727 --> 01:05:23,683 Three a day, as required 660 01:05:26,167 --> 01:05:29,716 -And how are you today? -Ah, yes, surprisingly well 661 01:05:29,807 --> 01:05:32,685 I went next door and had coffee with Betty 662 01:05:32,767 --> 01:05:36,521 Says he's getting on fine since all that other was sorted out 663 01:05:36,607 --> 01:05:40,919 More or less back to normal Apart from waking up screaming in the middle of the night 664 01:05:41,007 --> 01:05:46,001 Of course, his right hand is still basically a claw But they reckon that'll ease off with time 665 01:05:47,047 --> 01:05:51,165 Says he can just about grip a pencil with the help of an elastic band 666 01:05:51,247 --> 01:05:54,956 Oh, and I think we found a buyer for the caravan 667 01:05:55,047 --> 01:05:58,801 Woman who claimed to be the reincarnation of Richard Stilgoe 668 01:05:59,367 --> 01:06:01,756 He's not dead, is he? 669 01:06:01,847 --> 01:06:03,838 She made a good offer 670 01:06:05,807 --> 01:06:09,038 And you're going to be all right, aren't you? 671 01:06:09,127 --> 01:06:12,836 When I thought, for those couple of seconds the other week when that 672 01:06:12,927 --> 01:06:15,680 Of course I'm going to be all right 673 01:06:15,767 --> 01:06:18,804 You don't think I'd leave you, do you, to fend for yourself? 674 01:06:18,887 --> 01:06:21,845 You wouldn't last five minutes 675 01:06:22,687 --> 01:06:27,681 Stop worrying You'll be the first to go I promise 676 01:06:32,727 --> 01:06:34,604 Well, I just took 677 01:06:39,767 --> 01:06:42,361 -What do you mean? -Sorry? 678 01:06:42,847 --> 01:06:45,645 What do you mean I'll be the first to go? 679 01:06:45,727 --> 01:06:49,845 Well, it's always the man, isn't it, pops his clogs before the woman 680 01:06:50,607 --> 01:06:53,963 How many husbands around here do you know who've lost their wives? 681 01:06:54,047 --> 01:06:55,844 It's always the other way around 682 01:06:57,407 --> 01:06:58,886 I suppose 683 01:06:59,687 --> 01:07:01,962 Now, what shall we have for tea? 684 01:07:06,167 --> 01:07:08,727 I suppose you still can't face a sausage? 685 01:07:14,287 --> 01:07:16,005 Not with the lights on 686 01:07:17,687 --> 01:07:20,918 -It'll have to be fish fingers then -I'll light the grill 687 01:07:23,887 --> 01:07:26,959 # They say I might as well face the truth 688 01:07:27,367 --> 01:07:30,359 # That I am just too long in the tooth 689 01:07:30,847 --> 01:07:33,725 # I've started to deteriorate 690 01:07:34,287 --> 01:07:37,359 #And now I've passed my own sell-by date 691 01:07:37,847 --> 01:07:40,805 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true 692 01:07:41,287 --> 01:07:44,359 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew 693 01:07:44,767 --> 01:07:47,759 #And my old knees have started to knock 694 01:07:48,247 --> 01:07:51,319 # I've just got too many miles on the clock 695 01:07:51,647 --> 01:07:55,356 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 696 01:07:55,807 --> 01:07:58,844 # It's true that my body has seen better days 697 01:07:59,047 --> 01:08:02,198 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave 698 01:08:03,167 --> 01:08:05,158 # One foot in the grave 699 01:08:06,567 --> 01:08:09,206 # One foot in the grave 700 01:08:09,967 --> 01:08:12,686 # One foot in the grave # 59660

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