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1
00:01:21,767 --> 00:01:25,646
Margaret! Can't get away from each other
2
00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:29,157
Oh, God, you've been spending some money
Not on us I hope
3
00:01:29,247 --> 00:01:32,205
Listen, no one comes for a meal at our place
and goes hungry
4
00:01:32,327 --> 00:01:35,876
If you can't push the boat out
with your next-door neighbours, it's a poor do
5
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:39,118
By the way, I asked your husband
if there's anything that upsets his stomach,
6
00:01:39,207 --> 00:01:41,357
he said the TV commercial for Scottish Widows
7
00:01:42,447 --> 00:01:46,235
Yes, that has been known to produce
outbreaks of vomiting
8
00:01:46,847 --> 00:01:51,045
Food-wise, Betty, I wouldn't worry
You're talking about a black hole with tonsils
9
00:01:51,127 --> 00:01:54,881
I've known plastic cutlery
disappear down there before today
10
00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:59,362
-So, look, we'll see you, what, about 7:00?
-Oh, lovely
11
00:01:59,447 --> 00:02:02,598
I don't want to be out too long,
we've got a painter starting work this morning
12
00:02:02,687 --> 00:02:05,042
and 1 0-to-1 Victor still won't be back in time
13
00:02:05,127 --> 00:02:08,437
He only popped out to pick up
a new answering machine
14
00:02:08,687 --> 00:02:11,440
but, knowing him, anything could have happened
15
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,558
(INAUDIBLE)
16
00:03:19,727 --> 00:03:21,718
(INAUDIBLE)
17
00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:39,964
''To record an outgoing message on your
18
00:03:40,767 --> 00:03:44,362
(STRUGGLING) ''Hukusuatsui answering machine,
19
00:03:44,447 --> 00:03:46,438
''press 'ogum'
20
00:03:47,647 --> 00:03:50,559
''and speak three inches from the microphone''
21
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,797
Ogum Ogum Ogum!
22
00:03:53,127 --> 00:03:54,719
(BEEPING)
23
00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:03,078
(SHOUTING) This is Victor Meldrew
24
00:04:04,127 --> 00:04:07,676
To leave a message, please speak after the tone
25
00:04:09,127 --> 00:04:11,083
Just hear that back now
26
00:04:11,407 --> 00:04:13,159
(REPEATING IN JAPANESE)
27
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:25,996
Turned into bloody Japanese
How the hell did that happen?
28
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,644
Bloody machines
29
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:32,997
Well, that's another classic, isn't it?
30
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:35,961
Even by the standards of this household
31
00:04:36,047 --> 00:04:39,164
To my dying day I will never understand
32
00:04:39,247 --> 00:04:41,283
Oh, you are back then
33
00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:45,397
Sorry? Yes, I've been back for half an hour
34
00:04:45,487 --> 00:04:50,356
I would've been back earlier but I got collared by
a detective, if you please, coming out of the shop
35
00:04:50,487 --> 00:04:54,116
Said I was just the right look
for an identity parade they were carrying out
36
00:04:54,247 --> 00:04:57,876
Some bloke's been exposing
himself to elderly housewives
37
00:04:58,647 --> 00:05:01,923
Then, after a lot of faffing about,
it turned out they got the wrong man
38
00:05:02,007 --> 00:05:05,238
Ah! Here we are English operation
39
00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:09,643
Need to be ruddy Stephen Hawking now
to understand these things
40
00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:13,037
(ELECTRONIC VOICE) Please enter your ID code.
41
00:05:14,207 --> 00:05:15,879
Talk of the devil
42
00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:21,996
Did you manage
to get your appointment at the optician's okay?
43
00:05:22,087 --> 00:05:25,716
Yes, next Saturday morning
No problem in that department
44
00:05:26,087 --> 00:05:31,081
Number of messages received. 1 1.:09 p.m.
45
00:05:31,727 --> 00:05:34,036
What's wrong with this bloody thing now?
46
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:38,123
You, er, came in the front just now, I take it
47
00:05:38,207 --> 00:05:39,196
Yes, why?
48
00:05:39,287 --> 00:05:42,120
Oh, because I think if you'd been out the back
49
00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:45,199
Please enter your ID, enter your ID.
50
00:05:45,287 --> 00:05:47,960
-You might just have
-Your ID. Your ID.
51
00:05:48,487 --> 00:05:51,445
-You might have noticed
-(SPEEDING UP) ID. ID. ID. ID. ID. ID...
52
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:54,127
Will you shut that bloody thing off?
53
00:05:54,207 --> 00:05:55,959
(VERY FAST) ID. ID. ID. ID. ID...
54
00:05:58,887 --> 00:06:01,162
Pinky and Perky at Maplins
55
00:06:03,087 --> 00:06:06,443
That young man you asked
to come here today to paint our house?
56
00:06:06,607 --> 00:06:07,756
What about him?
57
00:06:07,847 --> 00:06:12,602
I think it might just be worth sticking your head
out of the door to check on his progress
58
00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:53,406
But why can't people be more specific?
59
00:06:53,887 --> 00:06:58,802
He stuck his card through the door, I rang him up
It all seemed perfectly straightforward
60
00:06:58,887 --> 00:07:02,038
When is anything you do straightforward?
61
00:07:02,127 --> 00:07:06,086
Like that business yesterday, nearly
getting stabbed to death in your own staircase
62
00:07:06,167 --> 00:07:11,161
You look for enemies all the while,
you'll find them Sheer paranoia half the time
63
00:07:11,327 --> 00:07:14,603
When two blokes ask if they can pop in
to use your toilet,
64
00:07:14,687 --> 00:07:17,326
you don't imagine
they're gonna start dealing drugs
65
00:07:19,207 --> 00:07:23,564
I mean, what have I got to do?
Keep a sniffer dog in the downstairs lavatory now?
66
00:07:25,087 --> 00:07:28,875
It's a very grubby world out there, Margaret,
you just don't see it
67
00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:31,197
The things that go on in broad daylight
68
00:07:31,287 --> 00:07:35,963
Is it daylight? Very hard to tell
with that great rusting hulk in the way
69
00:07:36,047 --> 00:07:39,244
And I don't see why you've got
such a problem on that score
70
00:07:39,327 --> 00:07:43,366
Plenty of people buy caravans for their holidays
without having to go to war over it
71
00:07:43,447 --> 00:07:46,519
Holiday? Oh, you must be joking
72
00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:49,520
It has all the charm of an iron lung
73
00:07:49,687 --> 00:07:52,759
People across the road
thought we'd left it out for the dustman
74
00:07:53,287 --> 00:07:57,599
Just needs a bit of a spring clean, that's all
Then, it'll be as good as
75
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:01,437
Oh, for the love of
76
00:08:02,447 --> 00:08:07,157
Can you believe this? What it says on this box!
I've only just noticed
77
00:08:07,247 --> 00:08:10,922
That chap in the electrical shop,
see what he scrawled all over the top here?
78
00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,475
Look! ''Meldrew's a turd''
79
00:08:16,487 --> 00:08:18,557
I'll knock his bloody block off!
80
00:08:20,807 --> 00:08:22,525
''Meldrew's a turd''
81
00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:27,237
''Meldrew Saturday To be collected''
82
00:08:30,447 --> 00:08:33,359
Like I said, sheer paranoia
83
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:42,119
There's definitely a full stop after ''turd''!
84
00:08:46,127 --> 00:08:48,402
Or, is it afly dropping?
85
00:08:50,887 --> 00:08:53,845
Yes, I'm afraid it was all a pain
in the A-R-S-E, really,
86
00:08:53,927 --> 00:08:55,963
my first marriage, the way it worked out
87
00:08:56,047 --> 00:09:00,165
She was a money-grabbing little S-O-D
Took everything
88
00:09:00,287 --> 00:09:02,881
-Left me, well
-Without a P-O-T to piss in
89
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:05,958
In a word, Victor, in a word
90
00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:08,242
I mean, it's not something
you want to hear, really, is it?
91
00:09:08,327 --> 00:09:11,160
That your wife's been going to bed
with a windscreen wiper
92
00:09:13,327 --> 00:09:15,363
One of those chaps,
93
00:09:15,447 --> 00:09:17,517
who does your car at the traffic lights
94
00:09:17,647 --> 00:09:21,401
Apparently, they'd been at it for months
Getting up to all kinds of weird games
95
00:09:21,487 --> 00:09:23,205
I never had a clue
96
00:09:23,287 --> 00:09:27,200
Even the squeegee ruts in her bottom,
I just took for cellulite
97
00:09:27,287 --> 00:09:29,084
So that was that, I'm afraid
98
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:33,365
And, of course, all the strain of the divorce,
I came out in this terrible nervous rash
99
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,802
You know that thing,
where you're losing all your body heat
100
00:09:35,887 --> 00:09:40,165
They had to rush me to hospital
wrapped from head to foot in metal foil
101
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,478
Talk about ''oven-ready'', when I first met him
102
00:09:43,567 --> 00:09:46,559
Touch wood,
he's been fine since then, haven't you?
103
00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:51,641
Since I eliminated all stress from my life,
settled down into a job I really enjoy
104
00:09:52,087 --> 00:09:55,716
And, yes, what is it you do exactly?
I don't think you said
105
00:09:56,327 --> 00:10:00,764
I'm a cartoonist Yes, didn't Betty tell you?
I draw cartoons for magazines and newspapers
106
00:10:00,847 --> 00:10:04,476
You know in the local, on the back page
McVitie's View.
107
00:10:04,567 --> 00:10:07,161
The little man who comments
on the news every night
108
00:10:07,247 --> 00:10:12,241
Oh, yes! That miserable old twerp
who's always moaning about something
109
00:10:13,887 --> 00:10:18,836
He's very funny So you're that McVitie
110
00:10:19,007 --> 00:10:21,396
Where do you get your ideas from?
111
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:25,275
I don't suppose we'll be seeing
much of him for the next couple of weeks
112
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:29,645
Derek and Betty are renting a cottage in Norfolk
for a fortnight Doesn't that sound idyllic?
113
00:10:29,727 --> 00:10:33,163
Yes How about you? You've got your caravan now
114
00:10:33,247 --> 00:10:35,078
You gonna take it somewhere nice?
115
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,158
Well, I thought we might just pop down
116
00:10:37,287 --> 00:10:40,438
Oh, yes, I think we better change the subject,
if you don't mind
117
00:10:40,527 --> 00:10:44,918
Well, anyway, I must say it's been a real treat
having you over tonight Hasn't it?
118
00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:48,761
It has Which only goes to show,
you can't believe everything you read in books
119
00:10:49,687 --> 00:10:52,406
No, that's absolutely Sorry?
120
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:58,000
A couple of weeks ago we found this
121
00:11:01,687 --> 00:11:06,397
On the top shelf of the wardrobe
Left behind, we assume, by our predecessor
122
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:09,639
Chap was clearly deranged
Things he's written in there
123
00:11:09,727 --> 00:11:14,118
Some tale about you trying to get him
and his wife into bed with you one night
124
00:11:15,607 --> 00:11:20,317
Oh, what was the one about the naked man
swinging past the window like Tarzan?
125
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:25,916
Flesh-eating crabs in his underpants
It was like something out of William Burroughs
126
00:11:26,087 --> 00:11:28,920
What did he do?
Go around sniffing fire extinguishers?
127
00:11:44,647 --> 00:11:49,641
That was painless enough tonight, then
Seemed very pleasant in the end
128
00:11:49,807 --> 00:11:53,720
-What's this doing here?
-Oh, that's got to go back It's got a faulty nozzle
129
00:11:54,727 --> 00:11:58,640
When are you going back?
Perhaps you haven't been pressing it properly
130
00:11:58,727 --> 00:12:00,001
(EXCLAIMING)
131
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:03,875
What did I just say?
You turn it upside down, it'll stop
132
00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,005
Yes,
133
00:12:10,087 --> 00:12:13,716
well, it's certainly nice to have neighbours
that we get on with again
134
00:12:14,007 --> 00:12:18,398
Who don't spell out rude messages
with their socks on the washing line
135
00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:20,999
When was this?
136
00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:24,875
Day before they moved out
With a glove at the end, giving two fingers
137
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:31,761
So, can we make a real effort, do you think,
this time, to stay on the right side of them?
138
00:12:37,487 --> 00:12:40,877
Build-up of greenhouse gases,
I think that's what I've got
139
00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:44,004
Like someone's been up your bottom
with a bicycle pump
140
00:12:45,287 --> 00:12:50,281
Old age, I suppose
Everything going slack and seizing up
141
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:57,356
Very gurgly gut tonight Oh, hang on
142
00:12:58,047 --> 00:12:59,366
It's on the move
143
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:23,640
Here we go Another blast from the past
144
00:13:23,807 --> 00:13:26,480
(HAWAII FIVE-O THEME PLAYING)
145
00:13:32,407 --> 00:13:33,726
(MUSIC STOPPING)
146
00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:38,759
Too much fizzy water, that will be how
147
00:13:39,247 --> 00:13:42,922
Must drink it still in the future See if that helps
148
00:13:45,327 --> 00:13:46,965
(MARGARET SNORING)
149
00:14:05,127 --> 00:14:06,606
(SNORING CONTINUES)
150
00:14:42,847 --> 00:14:44,997
Morning, Mr Meldrew Hard at it?
151
00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:47,476
Ah, yes, good morning
152
00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:58,005
Been quite a while since you had an upright,
so your wife was saying
153
00:14:58,087 --> 00:14:59,315
I beg your pardon?
154
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:05,399
Oh! Yes Got it last week
155
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,206
Got very good suction to it
156
00:15:08,287 --> 00:15:10,801
So, how are you these days?
157
00:15:10,887 --> 00:15:14,596
Oh, yes, house still feels very empty without her
158
00:15:14,687 --> 00:15:16,882
But, um, I was having a bit of clear out
the other day, actually
159
00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:20,676
Some of her old things
and I thought you might like this
160
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:22,962
I'll have no use for it, obviously
161
00:15:25,807 --> 00:15:27,684
Well, I suppose not
162
00:15:29,487 --> 00:15:31,682
-Thank you very much
-You're very welcome
163
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:35,965
Yes, yes, I should imagine this will look quite nice
once you've finished
164
00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:40,197
What're you gonna do?
Get a priest in, or just not bother?
165
00:15:40,287 --> 00:15:41,402
I'll
166
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,523
-What do you mean?
-Sorry?
167
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:47,444
What do you mean, ''get a priest in''?
168
00:15:48,167 --> 00:15:50,078
Oh, sorry, I naturally
169
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:52,961
You've not seen the front page
of this week's Psychic News then?
170
00:15:53,047 --> 00:15:54,446
Psychic News?
171
00:15:54,527 --> 00:15:59,123
Yes, it gave me quite a turn
when I first read it, I don't mind admitting
172
00:16:06,087 --> 00:16:10,444
''Residents in Lichfield, Staffordshire
breathed a sigh of relief last week
173
00:16:10,527 --> 00:16:12,165
''when a mobile home,
174
00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:16,240
''said to contain the spirit of Satan worshipper,
Mrs Velda Bassett,
175
00:16:17,327 --> 00:16:19,079
''finally left town
176
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,603
''after finding a surprise buyer
in the home counties
177
00:16:24,047 --> 00:16:28,040
''The vehicle, which has been dubbed
'the most haunted caravan in Britain',
178
00:16:29,247 --> 00:16:32,762
''has been associated
with bizarre paranormal activity,
179
00:16:32,847 --> 00:16:35,156
''and there have been reports of Mrs Bassett,
180
00:16:35,247 --> 00:16:39,877
''described as a cross between
Gillian Shepherd and the late Jimmy Clitheroe,
181
00:16:40,647 --> 00:16:44,879
''floating through the air
and into neighbours' houses through the keyhole''
182
00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:49,085
I wouldn't take any of it seriously
Load of tommy-rot by the sound of it
183
00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:52,637
Oh, and talking of vehicles,
are you still okay for tomorrow?
184
00:16:52,727 --> 00:16:54,922
-Sorry?
-Action for the Elderly
185
00:16:55,007 --> 00:16:58,522
You very kindly volunteered your services
to do a bit of driving for us
186
00:16:58,687 --> 00:16:59,722
Ah, yes, that's
187
00:16:59,807 --> 00:17:03,277
Only, there's an old lady
we'd like you pick up from the airport
188
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:06,040
Now, she's not entirely with it, I'm afraid, so
189
00:17:06,127 --> 00:17:09,324
That's her name and address
and our set of keys to her flat
190
00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:12,604
If you could just settle her back in
and make sure she's nice and secure
191
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:16,163
-Yes, I'll try and deal with that
-It'll be much appreciated
192
00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:19,759
And for goodness' sake,
don't start worrying about this
193
00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:23,642
You can always join Ghostbusters HomeStart
194
00:17:24,887 --> 00:17:27,606
-Well, bye-bye to you, Mr Meldrew
-Goodbye
195
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:54,639
There's a kind of green slime now
oozing out from under the wheel
196
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:58,882
That's where Mrs Aylesbury's cat
was sick on the pavement
197
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:03,404
You see, that's exactly
how these stories get started
198
00:18:03,487 --> 00:18:06,126
People let their imaginations run away with them
199
00:18:06,207 --> 00:18:09,244
I told you there was something fishy
about that advert, but, no
200
00:18:09,927 --> 00:18:12,122
Didn't you even suspect
when the bloke delivered it?
201
00:18:12,207 --> 00:18:13,925
Who's being paranoid now, Margaret?
202
00:18:14,007 --> 00:18:18,523
It's a perfectly nice, ordinary caravan
that we can take down the coast for a few days
203
00:18:18,607 --> 00:18:20,438
Down to Dorset or somewhere
204
00:18:20,727 --> 00:18:23,639
The only place I would take that now
205
00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:26,560
is Beachy Head and push the bloody thing off
206
00:18:27,727 --> 00:18:31,322
So you can put that away
And can we get off the subject please?
207
00:18:31,407 --> 00:18:33,045
It gives me the shivers
208
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:42,196
How can a caravan be haunted?
It doesn't make any sense of any kind
209
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,243
I said, can we drop it?
210
00:18:46,367 --> 00:18:50,201
Can't believe the size of him now,
you know, next door
211
00:18:50,727 --> 00:18:52,718
Since his mother died
212
00:18:53,767 --> 00:18:57,965
Gets any fatter,
they'll have to wheel him around in a dolly
213
00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:02,443
Terrible how people let themselves go
over something like that
214
00:19:05,327 --> 00:19:08,637
Oh, God, not like this character
215
00:19:08,727 --> 00:19:12,242
Oh, yes, let's make bereavement glamorous
216
00:19:12,327 --> 00:19:14,921
She's supposed to be mourning her husband
217
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:20,081
Looks more like one of those bimbos on
Page 3 with a bootlace between their buttocks
218
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,795
It's just a trademark,
it's not meant to be taken literally
219
00:19:22,887 --> 00:19:26,721
It's everything that's wrong
with the values of today, Margaret
220
00:19:26,807 --> 00:19:30,766
Like I said before, you just can't see it
221
00:20:11,807 --> 00:20:13,957
For me? You drive me?
222
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:18,279
Yes, how do you do? I'm Victor
Did you have a good flight?
223
00:20:18,807 --> 00:20:21,640
(SPEAKING IN HINDI)
224
00:20:28,247 --> 00:20:33,241
Exhausted, I suppose, aren't you? Never mind,
you can have a nice nap on the way back
225
00:20:33,447 --> 00:20:36,405
Do you want to come with me?
Here, let me take that
226
00:20:46,207 --> 00:20:48,721
We've got a lady here we think is diabetic
227
00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:51,879
If we could organise an ambulance, please,
to go to the hospital
228
00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:05,286
Here we are, back safe and sound
229
00:21:37,487 --> 00:21:39,205
Wakey-wakey
230
00:21:39,287 --> 00:21:43,599
This is where we have to get out,
I'm afraid Come on
231
00:22:02,807 --> 00:22:05,685
Mind your step as you go
232
00:22:22,047 --> 00:22:23,241
Right
233
00:22:23,327 --> 00:22:25,238
(SPEAKING IN HINDI)
234
00:22:28,607 --> 00:22:32,725
Right Now, I'm going to have to
leave you to it now, I'm afraid, Mrs Akhani
235
00:22:32,807 --> 00:22:36,402
Be getting back for my lunch
You've got your own keys, haven't you?
236
00:22:36,687 --> 00:22:40,646
These are the ones that we keep
to pop in and make sure you're okay
237
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:44,561
Now make sure that that front door
is properly locked, all right?
238
00:22:44,647 --> 00:22:46,717
There's a lot of nasty people around
239
00:23:02,647 --> 00:23:06,606
Whoever it was that kidnapped Mrs Khanonly minutes after she arrived in the country,
240
00:23:06,727 --> 00:23:08,957
they were obviously very sophisticated operators.
241
00:23:13,127 --> 00:23:18,121
As yet, we've received no actual ransom noteor demands from those responsible.
242
00:23:18,567 --> 00:23:22,799
But, in view of the fact that her sonis one of the wealthiest businessmen in Britain,
243
00:23:22,887 --> 00:23:25,765
I would imaginethey'll be looking for a six-figure sum.
244
00:23:26,287 --> 00:23:27,640
(PHONE RINGING)
245
00:23:27,727 --> 00:23:29,638
...and see what the weather has in store for us.
246
00:23:30,047 --> 00:23:31,924
Good evening to you.Well, it's fairly clear across the south
247
00:23:32,007 --> 00:23:33,884
or, at least, it will be for a while.
248
00:23:33,967 --> 00:23:36,561
Some mist and fog have been lingering all dayin the Vale of York.
249
00:23:44,127 --> 00:23:45,480
4291
250
00:23:46,287 --> 00:23:48,642
Jean, how are you?
251
00:23:48,727 --> 00:23:50,718
No, no, no, just outside
252
00:23:50,807 --> 00:23:54,561
Oh, you know, trying to bring
a few wilting specimens back to life
253
00:24:02,887 --> 00:24:03,956
Uh-huh
254
00:24:06,607 --> 00:24:10,486
I think I still have the number for that somewhere
Could you just bear with me?
255
00:24:26,567 --> 00:24:29,127
Oh, my God!
256
00:24:31,487 --> 00:24:34,797
Don't tell me I've reached that stage now
257
00:24:36,207 --> 00:24:37,560
Please!
258
00:24:44,407 --> 00:24:48,764
Oh, you're welcome
Yes, good luck with it anyway Bye
259
00:24:48,847 --> 00:24:50,280
What's the matter with you?
260
00:24:51,487 --> 00:24:54,001
Well, I don't like to say
261
00:24:55,247 --> 00:24:57,761
I think I may have wet
262
00:24:57,847 --> 00:25:01,726
Oh, yes, I gave you a bit of a sprinkle
I thought it might wake you up
263
00:25:05,527 --> 00:25:07,836
Gave me a bit of a
264
00:25:07,927 --> 00:25:09,724
You did Well
265
00:25:10,607 --> 00:25:13,724
Well, thank you very much for that, Margaret
266
00:25:13,807 --> 00:25:18,244
You know I've got four pairs of trousers
in the dry cleaners' at the moment
267
00:25:18,327 --> 00:25:19,316
(EXCLAIMING)
268
00:25:20,767 --> 00:25:22,723
(MUMBLING)
269
00:25:40,287 --> 00:25:41,640
Anyone in?
270
00:25:42,967 --> 00:25:47,961
Oh, afternoon, Mr Meldrew
And how are youtoday?
271
00:25:50,407 --> 00:25:53,160
Hello Yes, fine And you?
272
00:25:55,647 --> 00:25:58,445
Fine, yes Thank you
273
00:25:58,607 --> 00:26:02,646
Betty, how's things?
Oh, thanks ever so much for the other evening,
274
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:06,879
-we really enjoyed ourselves
-Oh, you're more than welcome
275
00:26:06,967 --> 00:26:10,118
I was wondering if I could leave
our front door key while we're away
276
00:26:10,207 --> 00:26:12,675
and the code for the alarm
just in case of emergencies
277
00:26:12,767 --> 00:26:15,964
Of course, no problem
Come on through, I'll make a cup of tea
278
00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:18,681
Oh, wouldn't say no
279
00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:25,283
Looking forward to your break, I bet
280
00:26:25,367 --> 00:26:30,157
That's something I've never done,
rented a cottage, but always fancied the sound of
281
00:26:30,247 --> 00:26:34,877
Well, listen, if you're interested, we got ours
from this woman someone recommended us to
282
00:26:34,967 --> 00:26:38,004
I know she's got plenty more in her books,
I could give her a ring if you like,
283
00:26:38,087 --> 00:26:41,762
-see what else is still available
-Well, if it's no trouble
284
00:26:41,927 --> 00:26:46,955
Or, I'll tell you what I have got
is a letter in here somewhere,
285
00:26:47,887 --> 00:26:52,881
with her address and phone number on
Do you want to contact her yourself?
286
00:26:56,287 --> 00:26:57,481
(DOORBELL RINGING)
287
00:27:02,407 --> 00:27:03,726
Thank you very much
288
00:27:10,567 --> 00:27:14,162
-Oh Did
-Oh, what the hell is it now?
289
00:27:14,247 --> 00:27:17,319
-Is it It's gone!
-What's gone?
290
00:27:17,407 --> 00:27:19,762
I thought it was much lighter in the front room
291
00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:22,839
Ring the police Ring Interpol
292
00:27:30,167 --> 00:27:33,000
You bloody thieving yobs!
293
00:27:34,447 --> 00:27:36,517
What have you done with my caravan?
294
00:28:04,487 --> 00:28:05,476
Oh
295
00:28:08,087 --> 00:28:11,841
Fine, I see You didn't waste much time then
296
00:28:11,927 --> 00:28:12,996
Doing what?
297
00:28:13,087 --> 00:28:17,160
''Dear Mrs M, I understand you and your
husband are looking for a holiday home to rent
298
00:28:17,247 --> 00:28:19,124
''from the 1 6th to the 30th inclusive,
299
00:28:19,207 --> 00:28:22,722
''and have great pleasure
in offering you Number 5, Laurel Park,
300
00:28:22,807 --> 00:28:25,799
''which is a delightful two-bedroom cottage
near Cromer''
301
00:28:25,887 --> 00:28:27,923
Doesn't that sound idyllic?
302
00:28:29,567 --> 00:28:31,080
(PHONE RINGING)
303
00:28:37,447 --> 00:28:38,562
4291
304
00:28:39,807 --> 00:28:43,163
-Speaking Ah, Stan, how are you?
-''Delightful two-bedroom cottage''
305
00:28:43,327 --> 00:28:46,524
-She must've rung her up straight away
-Oh, you're not serious!
306
00:28:46,607 --> 00:28:50,282
Well, we have been promising ourselves
something this year
307
00:28:50,367 --> 00:28:52,881
And what with your big idea falling through
308
00:28:52,967 --> 00:28:57,518
Yes, I will, Stan, thanks very much
I'll buy you a drink for this Cheers
309
00:28:57,607 --> 00:29:01,919
Can you believe that?
Stan, down the road, he's found it
310
00:29:02,007 --> 00:29:03,486
Our caravan!
311
00:29:04,447 --> 00:29:07,200
Only in Archie's scrap yard, if you please
312
00:29:07,287 --> 00:29:11,644
Popped in there first thing for a part for his car,
there it was as large as life
313
00:29:12,127 --> 00:29:16,518
Hadn't stole it after all, whoever it was,
just dumped it down there for devilment
314
00:29:16,687 --> 00:29:19,155
Dump them for devilment if I ever find them
315
00:29:19,247 --> 00:29:22,523
Who can you think of
who'd want to do a thing like that?
316
00:29:28,447 --> 00:29:31,041
Hello, my name is Meldrew
317
00:29:31,127 --> 00:29:33,322
I believe you've got a caravan of mine down there
318
00:29:33,447 --> 00:29:36,803
that some bastard towed away from my house
yesterday afternoon
319
00:29:38,487 --> 00:29:42,400
Like it back? Of course I bloody well would!
320
00:29:42,487 --> 00:29:44,637
Well, as soon as What?
321
00:29:45,327 --> 00:29:47,636
Well, I'll be in all morning
322
00:29:48,167 --> 00:29:49,885
Sorry?
323
00:29:49,967 --> 00:29:51,036
Ah!
324
00:29:53,207 --> 00:29:55,596
He wants to speak to you for some reason
325
00:29:59,687 --> 00:30:01,279
Hello, Archie
326
00:30:01,367 --> 00:30:04,439
Yes, that was a spot of luck, wasn't it?
327
00:30:04,527 --> 00:30:07,803
What can I say, Mrs Meldrew?
I followed your instructions to the letter
328
00:30:07,887 --> 00:30:12,039
I got it down here, no problem
If it wasn't for that nosy parker neighbour
329
00:30:12,167 --> 00:30:14,442
Now it's all gone tits-up, I'm afraid
330
00:30:14,847 --> 00:30:19,125
I mean, I've got no choice He wants it back
I'm gonna have to bring it
331
00:30:19,967 --> 00:30:24,324
Yes, well, tell her I'm glad she's feeling better
332
00:30:24,407 --> 00:30:26,762
And give her my love
333
00:30:27,087 --> 00:30:28,486
Bye, Archie!
334
00:30:34,487 --> 00:30:37,684
Well, I think I'll start
on that painting this morning, out the back
335
00:30:37,767 --> 00:30:38,882
You are?
336
00:30:38,967 --> 00:30:42,642
Well, you cocked up the previous arrangement,
so I thought I'd have a go at it myself
337
00:30:42,727 --> 00:30:44,638
Well, be careful climbing ladders
338
00:30:47,367 --> 00:30:52,236
Archie's scrap yard indeed
Doesn't do my colon any good at all, all this
339
00:30:58,687 --> 00:31:00,678
(HAWAII FIVE-O THEME PLAYING)
340
00:31:04,687 --> 00:31:06,166
(DOORBELL RINGING)
341
00:31:06,447 --> 00:31:08,802
ARCHIE: Brought your caravan back, Mr Meldrew
342
00:31:08,887 --> 00:31:11,959
Oh, just a sec, I'll get some shoes on
343
00:31:26,847 --> 00:31:29,964
What in the name of bloody hell!
344
00:31:33,607 --> 00:31:38,635
-Oh, for the love of Mike!
-Well, it had already gone in, Mr Meldrew
345
00:31:38,727 --> 00:31:40,558
You can't be serious
346
00:31:43,087 --> 00:31:46,284
Well, you did say you'd like it back
I wasn't wrong
347
00:31:46,527 --> 00:31:49,963
Well, I mean in the name of all that's holy,
are you telling me
348
00:31:50,047 --> 00:31:53,278
this is what Stan saw when he said
he'd found it down in your
349
00:31:53,367 --> 00:31:55,198
I mean, for God's sake!
350
00:31:55,847 --> 00:31:58,281
What would I want with a bloody
351
00:32:01,687 --> 00:32:03,484
I don't believe
352
00:32:04,367 --> 00:32:06,517
No, no, I'm right
353
00:32:06,607 --> 00:32:10,395
Fine Right You can take it away now, then
Thank you very much
354
00:32:10,487 --> 00:32:12,523
-Sorry, Mr Meldrew?
-This isn't my caravan
355
00:32:12,607 --> 00:32:15,075
-Come again?
-This isn't my caravan!
356
00:32:15,167 --> 00:32:19,001
Mine was white with a yellow streak
This has got blue in it
357
00:32:19,567 --> 00:32:24,561
Heh So if you'll be so kind, I'm afraid all this
has been a case of mistaken identity
358
00:32:25,647 --> 00:32:30,038
You're winding me up This is yours
It's got to be yours
359
00:32:30,487 --> 00:32:32,443
Come on, what are you playing at?
360
00:32:33,687 --> 00:32:36,838
And, if I'm not mistaken, here comes the proof!
361
00:32:46,207 --> 00:32:49,085
Ruddy Smith brothers from Canal Side Estate
362
00:32:50,167 --> 00:32:54,126
Might have known they'd be behind it
Family of gangsters
363
00:32:54,887 --> 00:32:56,366
Nick anything that moves
364
00:32:56,687 --> 00:32:59,679
Nailed a bloke's ear to a railway sleeper
the other week
365
00:33:00,167 --> 00:33:02,442
I don't envy the coppers
that had to go round there
366
00:33:02,527 --> 00:33:04,324
Well, it doesn't alter the fact
367
00:33:04,407 --> 00:33:09,037
that you're not getting me to go away
in that chamber of horrors, this year or ever
368
00:33:09,127 --> 00:33:12,563
Oh, mind yourself on that paint,
I've only just finished the undercoat
369
00:33:13,967 --> 00:33:16,322
Oh, I suppose it's to be the cottage, is it?
370
00:33:16,407 --> 00:33:20,241
As usual I've got to knuckle down
and do as you want to do
371
00:33:20,327 --> 00:33:22,477
Would it be that much of an ordeal?
372
00:33:23,567 --> 00:33:27,719
Well, do you want to ring that woman up
and tell her yes?
373
00:33:28,407 --> 00:33:29,965
I already have
374
00:33:30,647 --> 00:33:33,844
Left a message saying
we'd pick the keys up from the neighbour
375
00:33:33,927 --> 00:33:36,521
And I'll put a cheque in the post for the deposit
376
00:33:38,407 --> 00:33:40,841
You'll enjoy it once you're there
377
00:33:42,007 --> 00:33:45,920
It'll help you to relax
Get rid of some of that tummy tension
378
00:33:48,767 --> 00:33:52,919
Well, I'm going to go
and have a nice, long soak for an hour
379
00:33:54,767 --> 00:33:57,156
And light my aromatherapy candles
380
00:33:58,687 --> 00:34:01,281
I'll give you a shout when your tea's ready
381
00:34:15,447 --> 00:34:18,120
Oh, my God!
382
00:34:30,887 --> 00:34:34,163
Would you mind not putting
white spirits down this toilet in future?
383
00:34:34,247 --> 00:34:35,316
Sorry?
384
00:34:35,887 --> 00:34:37,764
COMMENTATOR ON TV:
The Undertaker ready for business,
385
00:34:37,847 --> 00:34:39,758
right back up at King Kong Bundy
386
00:34:39,847 --> 00:34:41,280
Bundy, with a series of forearm...
387
00:34:41,367 --> 00:34:45,645
Look at that, I set it for Verdi's Requiem,
it's recorded American wrestling
388
00:34:47,567 --> 00:34:50,161
Did you hear someone scream just then next door?
389
00:34:50,447 --> 00:34:51,766
No Why, what's up?
390
00:34:52,247 --> 00:34:53,396
No
391
00:34:53,487 --> 00:34:57,958
You know how these stories prey on your mind
about naked men outside the window
392
00:34:58,567 --> 00:35:00,478
It's just that
393
00:35:00,567 --> 00:35:05,561
I heard on the grapevine he'd been hauled in
by the police the other day for indecent exposure
394
00:35:06,367 --> 00:35:09,996
Well, probably, someone got
the wrong end of the stick, I know
395
00:35:10,087 --> 00:35:12,920
Only when I was round there yesterday
396
00:35:14,047 --> 00:35:15,480
Spit it out
397
00:35:16,327 --> 00:35:20,081
Well, he appeared to be having sex
with a radiator
398
00:35:20,927 --> 00:35:22,326
Stop it
399
00:35:22,407 --> 00:35:24,967
Listen, if you were Mrs Blithery's
parents, three doors along
400
00:35:25,047 --> 00:35:26,924
-you'd have something to worry about
-How's that?
401
00:35:27,007 --> 00:35:29,567
Well, apparently they'd just stopped off
on their way back from holiday
402
00:35:29,647 --> 00:35:31,365
to visit their daughter
403
00:35:31,447 --> 00:35:36,441
Parked outside here, spanking new caravan,
someone nicked it, ended up in the crusher
404
00:35:38,367 --> 00:35:42,519
-What's the mentality of people these days?
-You tell me
405
00:35:50,007 --> 00:35:51,804
Bloody machines!
406
00:36:30,567 --> 00:36:33,639
What on earth! Don't tell me
407
00:36:33,727 --> 00:36:36,446
You went out and forgot your keys
408
00:36:37,487 --> 00:36:39,205
Oh, dear
409
00:36:39,527 --> 00:36:41,483
(SPEAKING IN HINDI)
410
00:36:44,207 --> 00:36:47,643
Been through that before once myself,
when someone fitted new locks
411
00:36:47,727 --> 00:36:51,515
But you've got to be careful
You could have split your head
412
00:36:54,247 --> 00:36:56,886
Right, in you come There we are
413
00:36:56,967 --> 00:36:59,276
(SPEAKING IN HINDI)
414
00:37:08,007 --> 00:37:09,838
Right What's this?
415
00:37:09,927 --> 00:37:14,682
Please, telephone
You telephone my son, Chaudhary Khan
416
00:37:14,767 --> 00:37:17,759
I will, of course The minute I get back
417
00:37:19,407 --> 00:37:21,557
(VIDEO GAME NOISES)
418
00:37:25,767 --> 00:37:26,995
(EXCLAIMING IRRITABLY)
419
00:37:31,847 --> 00:37:35,123
Where have you been? I thought we were
going to try and get away just after lunch
420
00:37:35,207 --> 00:37:38,005
We've got plenty of time
I just called in at the garage,
421
00:37:38,087 --> 00:37:41,762
got them to check all the electrics over
and get that dodgy handbrake sorted out
422
00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:45,158
And then I called in again on that old dear
to make sure she was all right
423
00:37:45,247 --> 00:37:46,726
And just as well I did
424
00:37:46,807 --> 00:37:49,241
Now, I've just got a very quick phone call to make
425
00:37:49,327 --> 00:37:51,363
Well, you won't make it on that contraption
426
00:37:51,447 --> 00:37:56,362
The bloody thing's just committed hari-kiri
The whole line's gone completely dead now
427
00:37:56,447 --> 00:37:57,926
You're joking
428
00:38:03,327 --> 00:38:05,124
I know what I can do
429
00:38:05,887 --> 00:38:07,320
Where are you going now?
430
00:38:08,367 --> 00:38:10,164
(BURGLAR ALARM RINGING)
431
00:38:32,047 --> 00:38:35,084
Hello, I'd like to speak to Chaudhary Khan
432
00:38:35,247 --> 00:38:37,636
Oh, it is? Right
433
00:38:37,727 --> 00:38:41,356
You don't know me
I carried out a little job yesterday
434
00:38:41,447 --> 00:38:44,598
Collecting your mother from the airport
435
00:38:45,447 --> 00:38:49,998
She's perfectly safe and well at the moment
but she was rather anxious that I give you a
436
00:38:53,767 --> 00:38:55,678
I beg your pardon?
437
00:38:57,447 --> 00:38:59,199
Will you indeed?
438
00:39:00,927 --> 00:39:02,645
I don't have to listen to this
439
00:39:03,967 --> 00:39:07,846
Yeah, I don't know what your problem is
but another time, I won't bother
440
00:39:10,887 --> 00:39:12,445
I'm sorry
441
00:39:12,527 --> 00:39:15,439
It was the sound of his voice I just
442
00:39:15,647 --> 00:39:19,606
It's okay I think we got a trace
Yup, that's it, lads, we're in business
443
00:39:26,047 --> 00:39:28,515
MARGARET: Ten to three in the morning!
444
00:39:28,607 --> 00:39:31,405
How can we go knocking up that neighbour
at this hour?
445
00:39:31,487 --> 00:39:34,160
VICTOR: No, look, she's left it open for us
Bless her
446
00:39:34,887 --> 00:39:36,206
VICTOR: We're in
447
00:39:42,087 --> 00:39:44,157
Oh, I'm dead on my feet
448
00:39:45,407 --> 00:39:48,479
Three and a half hours
449
00:39:48,567 --> 00:39:51,764
stuck on that bloody hard shoulder,
450
00:39:52,287 --> 00:39:55,324
while people just slowed down to laugh at us
451
00:39:56,087 --> 00:39:58,555
''Checked all the electrics over''
452
00:39:59,567 --> 00:40:02,559
Why you go back to that fly-by-night garage,
453
00:40:02,647 --> 00:40:05,480
when one of them had to look up
carburettor in the dictionary?
454
00:40:05,567 --> 00:40:09,719
Well, at least the handbrake didn't pack up on us
this time It could've been much worse
455
00:40:10,207 --> 00:40:13,802
Oh Can we leave everything now till morning?
456
00:40:14,327 --> 00:40:17,478
I'm going up those stairs,
if my legs will carry me and just collapse
457
00:40:26,047 --> 00:40:27,605
(MARGARET SNORING)
458
00:41:25,927 --> 00:41:30,000
Sorry, did I wake you? Suddenly thought
I'd forgotten to lock the back door
459
00:41:30,767 --> 00:41:35,477
It's so hot, I just had to smoosh my face
Night-night
460
00:41:36,087 --> 00:41:37,076
DEREK: (YAWNING) Night
461
00:42:15,007 --> 00:42:16,520
(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)
462
00:42:16,767 --> 00:42:17,756
(BETTY EXCLAIMING)
463
00:42:38,647 --> 00:42:42,481
I'm too sticky Do you mind if I read for a bit?
464
00:43:06,887 --> 00:43:08,718
(DOOR CLOSING)
465
00:44:16,887 --> 00:44:18,684
(BETTY SCREAMING)
466
00:44:21,087 --> 00:44:25,683
MARGARET: I'm really sorry, Betty
Have a nice holiday Bye
467
00:44:25,767 --> 00:44:28,122
VICTOR: Yeah, bye
BETTY: Bye
468
00:44:28,207 --> 00:44:30,038
Bye
469
00:44:32,647 --> 00:44:36,879
Well, no real damage done, I suppose
470
00:44:36,967 --> 00:44:40,516
You see things like that in your sleep,
471
00:44:41,847 --> 00:44:46,841
you don't know any more,
what's nightmare and what's reality
472
00:44:47,527 --> 00:44:49,006
Are you okay?
473
00:44:49,567 --> 00:44:54,561
-Yes, I'm fine Absolutely fine
-You can see exactly how it happened
474
00:44:55,407 --> 00:44:59,685
I left our letter there for them
with her address and phone number at the top
475
00:44:59,767 --> 00:45:02,645
He picked it up thinking she'd written to them
476
00:45:02,727 --> 00:45:05,446
And Oh, well,
477
00:45:05,887 --> 00:45:09,163
it's all sorted now anyway
478
00:45:09,247 --> 00:45:11,920
We've got the whole two weeks ahead of us,
479
00:45:12,007 --> 00:45:16,478
of peace and quiet,
to relax away all our troubles
480
00:45:17,727 --> 00:45:21,083
Yes, you're right Of course, you're right
481
00:45:26,887 --> 00:45:30,436
That's it No tricks
No clever moves No funny business
482
00:45:30,527 --> 00:45:35,203
Derek John McVitie, you're under arrest
for the kidnapping of Mrs Sandithi Khan
483
00:45:50,447 --> 00:45:52,119
5:45
484
00:45:54,567 --> 00:45:57,035
I'll tell you what we could do now,
if we got our act together
485
00:45:57,127 --> 00:45:59,436
No! Before you even say it
486
00:45:59,927 --> 00:46:01,326
What was I going to say?
487
00:46:01,407 --> 00:46:04,444
I know what you were gonna say,
and the answer is no
488
00:46:04,527 --> 00:46:08,281
Well, we're all geared up for it now
The thing is just sitting out there
489
00:46:08,367 --> 00:46:10,278
We could be down the coast in three hours
490
00:46:10,367 --> 00:46:13,518
Have a nice time and gradually head west
into Devon and Cornwall
491
00:46:13,607 --> 00:46:16,917
For some bizarre reason,
492
00:46:17,007 --> 00:46:19,567
I am not in the mood!
493
00:46:19,647 --> 00:46:21,524
I wonder why
494
00:46:22,127 --> 00:46:26,120
Now if you want to take your hook
with your hell home on wheels, fine!
495
00:46:26,207 --> 00:46:28,562
Off you go, and good luck!
496
00:46:28,647 --> 00:46:31,036
You're not still on
about this haunted caravan, are you?
497
00:46:31,127 --> 00:46:33,595
-I wish I'd never told you now
-Oh, yes?
498
00:46:33,687 --> 00:46:36,485
Like the other things you haven't told me about!
499
00:46:37,967 --> 00:46:40,162
What's that supposed to mean?
500
00:46:41,927 --> 00:46:43,485
Margaret!
501
00:46:43,567 --> 00:46:46,161
Just what the hell's that supposed to mean?
502
00:46:46,247 --> 00:46:47,600
You have me believe
503
00:46:47,687 --> 00:46:52,636
that these things all just happen because
that's the way the world is, but I don't see it
504
00:46:52,807 --> 00:46:57,642
Do they, Victor, just happen?
Or do you make them happen?
505
00:46:57,767 --> 00:47:01,476
Make them Oh, yes, that was just
the ticket, all that this morning
506
00:47:01,567 --> 00:47:03,319
I mean, there's nothing I like better
507
00:47:03,407 --> 00:47:08,401
than sprawling about on a glass roof without
any clothes on terrorising innocent housewives
508
00:47:09,887 --> 00:47:11,115
What?
509
00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:13,322
What?
510
00:47:15,167 --> 00:47:16,486
You don't
511
00:47:17,727 --> 00:47:21,197
This surely isn't about the other day
512
00:47:21,887 --> 00:47:23,843
When I was at the police
513
00:47:28,007 --> 00:47:31,204
You don't seriously think it could be me?
514
00:47:31,927 --> 00:47:35,124
That pervert they're after
in the cap and the raincoat
515
00:47:36,847 --> 00:47:38,565
You don't actually think
516
00:47:38,647 --> 00:47:43,402
I could go out and do something like that
to women in the street
517
00:47:43,847 --> 00:47:47,635
Well, you certainly don't do it to me
518
00:48:04,887 --> 00:48:09,677
I'm going down to Dorset
for a couple of weeks in the caravan
519
00:48:09,767 --> 00:48:11,405
Will you come with me?
520
00:48:18,647 --> 00:48:20,080
Right
521
00:48:20,767 --> 00:48:22,917
I'll see you then, Margaret
522
00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:34,646
(DOOR CLOSING)
523
00:48:41,287 --> 00:48:43,005
It's no problem, Mr McVitie
524
00:48:43,087 --> 00:48:47,126
I'm a relatively young man
and I'll sit here as long as it takes,
525
00:48:47,207 --> 00:48:51,485
till you tell me where it is
you've hidden that young gentleman's mother
526
00:48:51,567 --> 00:48:53,717
-Is it cold in here?
-Mr McVitie
527
00:48:53,807 --> 00:48:56,560
Look, I'd like to make two formal requests please,
528
00:48:56,647 --> 00:48:58,478
for a phone call to my solicitor,
529
00:48:58,567 --> 00:49:03,004
and a large tube of hydrocortisone skin cream
530
00:49:39,807 --> 00:49:41,286
(OWL HOOTING)
531
00:50:04,367 --> 00:50:05,356
(CLANGING)
532
00:51:16,887 --> 00:51:20,243
Oh! Bloody machines!
533
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:21,316
(DIALLING TONE)
534
00:51:32,887 --> 00:51:35,924
Oh, hello Yes, my name's Margaret Meldrew
535
00:51:36,007 --> 00:51:38,282
I had an appointment for this morning,
536
00:51:38,367 --> 00:51:41,325
which I had to cancel,
although I could make it now
537
00:51:41,407 --> 00:51:43,159
And I was just wondering if you could
538
00:51:44,487 --> 00:51:48,719
Oh, no, no 9:30 would be fine
539
00:51:48,807 --> 00:51:51,958
Er, yes Dr Clarke
540
00:51:53,287 --> 00:51:56,359
Thanks very much Bye
541
00:52:11,767 --> 00:52:14,156
Any other problems, apart from that?
542
00:52:14,247 --> 00:52:18,525
No Just reading really And anything close up
543
00:52:19,367 --> 00:52:21,358
Threading a needle or whatever
544
00:52:22,487 --> 00:52:25,445
Getting old, I suppose Everything withering up
545
00:52:25,527 --> 00:52:29,236
Oh, I wouldn't say that's the case at all,
Mrs Meldrew
546
00:52:29,327 --> 00:52:33,002
Now then, eyes wide open, if you will
547
00:52:35,687 --> 00:52:38,360
And look to your left
548
00:52:39,927 --> 00:52:42,077
And to your right
549
00:52:43,167 --> 00:52:45,123
And up
550
00:52:46,367 --> 00:52:48,881
And now look down
551
00:52:52,447 --> 00:52:55,917
Oh, my God
552
00:53:08,687 --> 00:53:13,681
Well, at least the police have got him now,
I suppose that's something to be grateful for
553
00:53:13,807 --> 00:53:14,842
How're you feeling, Mrs Meldrew?
554
00:53:14,927 --> 00:53:17,805
You're still reeling
from the shock of it all, I should think
555
00:53:17,887 --> 00:53:19,639
Funny, I can see it now
556
00:53:19,727 --> 00:53:23,117
Yeah, well, if you don't dwell on it
then surely it'll fade with time
557
00:53:23,207 --> 00:53:28,201
No, no, no No, I mean, I do see it,
what Victor was always on about
558
00:53:29,287 --> 00:53:31,323
Well, it's not a pretty sight
559
00:53:33,487 --> 00:53:38,038
I wonder how he's getting on down there
with his ghosts and spirits
560
00:53:40,367 --> 00:53:43,439
What do you think, Mr Swainey, about it all?
561
00:53:44,327 --> 00:53:46,079
Is this all there is?
562
00:53:46,167 --> 00:53:47,998
Oh, I don't know
563
00:53:49,327 --> 00:53:54,321
You'd love to believe, wouldn't you, that those
you cared about are still there somewhere?
564
00:53:54,447 --> 00:53:57,359
Keeping a benevolent eye on us But
565
00:54:00,247 --> 00:54:04,001
I think the best thing for me now
is to keep on the go
566
00:54:04,087 --> 00:54:06,760
You don't have a decent sized ladder
I could borrow at all?
567
00:54:06,847 --> 00:54:10,362
There are still some bits of paintwork upstairs
I haven't quite managed to get to
568
00:54:36,047 --> 00:54:40,199
Oh, God, is that the time? I've got to go
569
00:54:42,687 --> 00:54:47,681
Oh, not just yet, Margaret
Margaret, don't go just
570
00:57:01,127 --> 00:57:05,086
MAN: Don't try anything on your own, sir
You'll capsize the bugger!
571
00:57:05,167 --> 00:57:09,285
Over here, boys! We need some muscle! Let's go!
572
00:57:12,367 --> 00:57:16,246
No worries, sir
We'll have this safe for you in no time at all!
573
00:57:19,527 --> 00:57:21,279
MAN: Heave!
574
00:57:30,647 --> 00:57:32,683
MAN: Bit more, bit more Good!
575
00:57:33,327 --> 00:57:34,316
Very good
576
00:57:40,087 --> 00:57:42,237
There you go then, sir You're all set
577
00:57:42,327 --> 00:57:45,842
Thank you very much indeed For everything and
578
00:57:45,927 --> 00:57:49,602
Oh, you're a trooper, sir
It's not necessary, but cheers
579
00:58:21,527 --> 00:58:23,006
Margaret!
580
00:58:26,287 --> 00:58:27,925
Are you in?
581
00:58:32,247 --> 00:58:34,841
Mr Meldrew Oh, God
582
00:58:35,327 --> 00:58:36,806
What's the matter? What's wrong?
583
00:58:36,887 --> 00:58:39,959
We've had messages out for you
on Radio 4 and all sorts
584
00:58:40,047 --> 00:58:43,756
Mrs Meldrew, she'd just gone up a ladder,
outside here, to do some painting
585
00:58:43,847 --> 00:58:45,963
I said, did she want me to do it?
586
00:58:46,047 --> 00:58:49,278
She said, if I could just stand
and hold the bottom, she'd be fine
587
00:58:49,367 --> 00:58:53,883
Well, she'd done the bathroom
and she just got started on the bedroom, and
588
00:58:53,967 --> 00:58:57,198
Oh, I don't know I mean, the first thing I knew,
I somehow half caught her
589
00:58:57,287 --> 00:58:59,596
(STAMMERING) Her foot slipped?
590
00:58:59,847 --> 00:59:02,281
They're saying it was a heart attack
591
00:59:08,247 --> 00:59:10,078
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
592
00:59:23,047 --> 00:59:24,446
(HEART MONITOR FLAT-LINING)
593
00:59:59,047 --> 01:00:04,644
# Well, the river runs deepAnd the water is cold as ice
594
01:00:07,727 --> 01:00:13,836
# The river runs deepAnd the water is cold as ice
595
01:00:16,487 --> 01:00:19,957
# I go down there every chance I get
596
01:00:21,207 --> 01:00:24,244
# It's where my babyShe met her death
597
01:00:24,327 --> 01:00:29,720
#And the river runs deepAnd the water is cold as ice
598
01:00:33,047 --> 01:00:38,041
#Ain't no woman gonna make a fool out of me
599
01:00:41,447 --> 01:00:46,475
#Ain't no woman gonna make a fool out of me
600
01:00:50,447 --> 01:00:53,200
# Running 'round, that's what they said
601
01:00:54,447 --> 01:00:57,803
# She's at the bottom of the river dead
602
01:00:57,887 --> 01:01:03,245
#And the river runs deepAnd the water is cold as ice
603
01:01:10,567 --> 01:01:15,960
# No cheating womangonna get a good man down
604
01:01:19,207 --> 01:01:24,201
# No cheating womangonna get a good man down
605
01:01:28,327 --> 01:01:31,478
# Running 'round like a silly fool
606
01:01:31,687 --> 01:01:35,919
# You're gonna end up at the bottom of the pool
607
01:01:36,007 --> 01:01:41,400
#And the river runs deepAnd the water is cold as ice #
608
01:01:57,087 --> 01:01:58,520
(DOOR OPENING)
609
01:02:04,607 --> 01:02:06,245
Bloody machines!
610
01:02:06,327 --> 01:02:07,396
We've only had them a week
611
01:02:07,487 --> 01:02:09,842
and already they're prone
to malfunctions of this kind
612
01:02:10,447 --> 01:02:14,679
There's a circuitry problem somewhere
We're going to have to send them back
613
01:02:14,767 --> 01:02:16,564
Actually,
614
01:02:16,647 --> 01:02:19,161
she's picking up rather well, Mr Meldrew
615
01:02:19,247 --> 01:02:21,397
I'm not nearly as concerned as I was
616
01:02:21,487 --> 01:02:25,036
after that very scary moment in your garden
617
01:02:25,127 --> 01:02:27,118
I don't know if Sister told you,
618
01:02:27,207 --> 01:02:30,916
for a couple of seconds, at 1 0:37
this morning, she was technically dead
619
01:02:31,487 --> 01:02:35,196
You've got a couple of very skilled
paramedics to thank she's still with us
620
01:02:36,087 --> 01:02:38,123
Probably an idea to get some rest yourself now
621
01:02:38,207 --> 01:02:41,597
We'll let you know as soon as there's any change
622
01:02:42,527 --> 01:02:44,119
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
623
01:02:48,887 --> 01:02:50,445
(SNORING)
624
01:03:05,887 --> 01:03:09,323
-You all right, Mr Meldrew?
-Yes, it's just
625
01:03:10,327 --> 01:03:12,045
1 0:37
626
01:03:12,127 --> 01:03:13,242
Sorry?
627
01:03:13,327 --> 01:03:16,763
That's what it said on our clock
in that caravan this morning
628
01:03:16,847 --> 01:03:18,803
I'd just been dreaming that she was there
629
01:03:18,887 --> 01:03:21,685
She said it was time for her to go,
630
01:03:21,767 --> 01:03:25,237
and I said, ''No, don't go just yet''
631
01:03:27,527 --> 01:03:30,803
Oh, God, that is spooky In the caravan?
632
01:03:34,967 --> 01:03:38,118
Oh, hello Look who it is, Mr Meldrew
633
01:03:38,847 --> 01:03:43,079
-Wonder what she's doing here I hope she's okay
-Yes, right
634
01:03:45,727 --> 01:03:46,955
Should I know her?
635
01:03:47,047 --> 01:03:50,005
It's Mrs Akhani, the lady you picked up
the other day from the airport
636
01:03:50,087 --> 01:03:52,647
The lady I picked up from
637
01:03:52,727 --> 01:03:56,163
I'm sorry, I've never seen
that woman before in my life
638
01:03:56,967 --> 01:04:01,119
Well, if that's not Who on earth did you
639
01:04:01,207 --> 01:04:05,359
Mind your backs please! We've got a collapsed
nervous hysteric coming through
640
01:04:05,447 --> 01:04:08,405
Just try and relax, Mr McVitie,
while we get you down
641
01:04:09,447 --> 01:04:12,041
Everybody calm Don't let him out of your sight
642
01:04:12,167 --> 01:04:15,159
If this is some ruse to try
and slip the net, he's not getting away
643
01:04:15,247 --> 01:04:16,236
I'll tell you that now
644
01:04:20,527 --> 01:04:22,358
(DOOR CLOSING)
645
01:04:22,887 --> 01:04:26,277
Unbelievable! People on the roads today!
646
01:04:26,367 --> 01:04:29,882
Have you noticed that going round a roundabout
now is like Russian roulette
647
01:04:29,967 --> 01:04:31,639
People don't ever bother to stop any more,
648
01:04:31,727 --> 01:04:34,685
they just shoot straight on
as if they didn't have a minute to live!
649
01:04:34,767 --> 01:04:38,601
What did the doctor say? Does he think
you need counselling for your stress?
650
01:04:39,527 --> 01:04:42,405
That was another thing
That locum, the one I saw first,
651
01:04:42,487 --> 01:04:45,320
remember, the one who looks
like Pee Wee Herman?
652
01:04:45,407 --> 01:04:49,082
Do you know what he'd actually put in my notes
on that computer screen?
653
01:04:49,167 --> 01:04:53,558
He'd only mistyped ''analyst?'' as ''anal cyst''!
654
01:04:55,407 --> 01:04:59,195
Honest to God truth,
a ''C'' had crept in there somewhere
655
01:04:59,287 --> 01:05:03,360
There I am, lying there with everything down,
thinking, ''This can't be right''
656
01:05:04,407 --> 01:05:07,717
He was about to stick
this ruddy great chrome instrument
657
01:05:12,087 --> 01:05:13,486
I'm sorry
658
01:05:15,727 --> 01:05:19,845
Well, anyway,
he gave me some more diazepam in the end
659
01:05:21,727 --> 01:05:23,683
Three a day, as required
660
01:05:26,167 --> 01:05:29,716
-And how are you today?
-Ah, yes, surprisingly well
661
01:05:29,807 --> 01:05:32,685
I went next door and had coffee with Betty
662
01:05:32,767 --> 01:05:36,521
Says he's getting on fine since
all that other was sorted out
663
01:05:36,607 --> 01:05:40,919
More or less back to normal Apart from
waking up screaming in the middle of the night
664
01:05:41,007 --> 01:05:46,001
Of course, his right hand is still basically a claw
But they reckon that'll ease off with time
665
01:05:47,047 --> 01:05:51,165
Says he can just about grip a pencil
with the help of an elastic band
666
01:05:51,247 --> 01:05:54,956
Oh, and I think we found a buyer for the caravan
667
01:05:55,047 --> 01:05:58,801
Woman who claimed to be
the reincarnation of Richard Stilgoe
668
01:05:59,367 --> 01:06:01,756
He's not dead, is he?
669
01:06:01,847 --> 01:06:03,838
She made a good offer
670
01:06:05,807 --> 01:06:09,038
And you're going to be all right, aren't you?
671
01:06:09,127 --> 01:06:12,836
When I thought, for those couple of seconds
the other week when that
672
01:06:12,927 --> 01:06:15,680
Of course I'm going to be all right
673
01:06:15,767 --> 01:06:18,804
You don't think I'd leave you, do you,
to fend for yourself?
674
01:06:18,887 --> 01:06:21,845
You wouldn't last five minutes
675
01:06:22,687 --> 01:06:27,681
Stop worrying You'll be the first to go I promise
676
01:06:32,727 --> 01:06:34,604
Well, I just took
677
01:06:39,767 --> 01:06:42,361
-What do you mean?
-Sorry?
678
01:06:42,847 --> 01:06:45,645
What do you mean I'll be the first to go?
679
01:06:45,727 --> 01:06:49,845
Well, it's always the man, isn't it,
pops his clogs before the woman
680
01:06:50,607 --> 01:06:53,963
How many husbands around here do you know
who've lost their wives?
681
01:06:54,047 --> 01:06:55,844
It's always the other way around
682
01:06:57,407 --> 01:06:58,886
I suppose
683
01:06:59,687 --> 01:07:01,962
Now, what shall we have for tea?
684
01:07:06,167 --> 01:07:08,727
I suppose you still can't face a sausage?
685
01:07:14,287 --> 01:07:16,005
Not with the lights on
686
01:07:17,687 --> 01:07:20,918
-It'll have to be fish fingers then
-I'll light the grill
687
01:07:23,887 --> 01:07:26,959
# They say I might as well face the truth
688
01:07:27,367 --> 01:07:30,359
# That I am just too long in the tooth
689
01:07:30,847 --> 01:07:33,725
# I've started to deteriorate
690
01:07:34,287 --> 01:07:37,359
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
691
01:07:37,847 --> 01:07:40,805
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
692
01:07:41,287 --> 01:07:44,359
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
693
01:07:44,767 --> 01:07:47,759
#And my old knees have started to knock
694
01:07:48,247 --> 01:07:51,319
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
695
01:07:51,647 --> 01:07:55,356
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
696
01:07:55,807 --> 01:07:58,844
# It's true that my body has seen better days
697
01:07:59,047 --> 01:08:02,198
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
698
01:08:03,167 --> 01:08:05,158
# One foot in the grave
699
01:08:06,567 --> 01:08:09,206
# One foot in the grave
700
01:08:09,967 --> 01:08:12,686
# One foot in the grave #
59660
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