All language subtitles for family.guy.s19e09.1080p.web.h264-cakes

We now return to The Today Show

with Matt Lauer sadly
looking in the window.

First up,
Rachael Ray will be here

to help us with a simple
Christmas recipe.

Can I come back now?

Then, Al will be in
to get you ready

with your Christmas
travel weather.

Are you guys still sore at me?

We also share your best tweets
about family visitors.

I thought about what I did.

That looks heavy.

Well, dragging a bin full
of decorations down the stairs

while repeatedly yelling

in front of my children
means only one thing.

It's Christmas time.

Yeah, Lois, I knew
it was Christmas a week ago

when the "O" in the PornHub
logo became a wreath.

- Same.
- Nice.

Listen, there's a lot of work
to be done

to make this place look festive,
and unlike most years,

where I do everything,
this year I want you all

to help
with the Christmas chores.

Come on, Lois.
You know the deal around here.

We split everything zero-100,
like most couples.

And I also have another request.

I'd like
to finally get a present

from the heart this year.

Not just
some defective clothing item

Peter got on clearance
at Marshalls.

But you love The Roling Stons.

Now, to make sure
you don't forget your chores,

I've made you each a list.

And I want all
of these completed by tomorrow.

Sorry. I can't do chores.
My trick elbow is acting up.

- Is that your card?
- No.

Oh, boy,
it's worse than I thought.

Why are we doing our Christmas
shopping at the strip mall?

'Cause we ran out
of gas out front.

You got
to get that gas gauge fixed.

Look, Chris, did you want
the gas gauge fixed,

or did you want a year of Quibi?

The gas gauge.

I'm sure we can find everything
on Mom's list here.

It doesn't look so bad.

If this place doesn't have Baby
Yoda toys, I swear to God...

I'll probably buy something
with Spider-Man on it.

Okay, guys, now before
you can shop at a strip mall,

you have
to use the free-standing ATM

that's chained to a pole

and not affiliated
with any known bank.

Good. It's taking
an extra-long time

to read the card and probably
stealing the number.

Select "yes"
to pay $15 fee. No brainer.

Perfect.
Now I can't read the screen,

'cause the glare is so bad.

And it's not giving me
my card back.

Hello?

Yes, this is Peter Griffin.

Not anymore?
Well, thanks for telling me.

Look, there's a card
and nice paper store.

Let's go walk around it slowly
and let out tiny farts.

Hmm. Nice, thick card stock.

Ah, yes,
that's a very bright white.

Ooh, Century Gothic font.

Miss, this store
is for tiny farts only.

There's a Lids next door
for that sort of thing.

Welcome to the strip mall
H&R Block.

Yes, I'd like to do my taxes.

- How much does H charge?
- $59.

Hmm. How much does R charge?

$59.

Does R know H has a side thing
going with M? H&M?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Is H back from lunch yet?

Sorry. He said he was held up
with a client.

You were with M again,
weren't you?!

What? No, I wasn't.

Then why are you wearing
a designer-looking shirt

at a fraction of the cost?

Maybe I wanted to get caught.

I told you what I'd do
if I ever caught you cheating.

This is on you!

Why?! Why?!

What's up?
I was just taking a pee.

Someone call?

Sometimes they let me write
my own skits.

We now return
to CBS This Morning

with Charlie Rose sadly pressed
against the window.

Coming up this morning,
Christmas came early

for a group of first graders
in South Bend, Indiana.

You guys still cross with me?

Hey, how was the big day
of shop...

Wait. Where's all
the Christmas stuff?

Ah, yeah. About that...

I can't believe this.

Brian, where's Stewie's
Elf on the Shelf?

Meg, where's the twinkling
lights I asked for?

Peter,
where's the Christmas tree?

We don't even have a tree.

I'm sorry, Lois.
I got it all under control.

Don't you worry about a thing.
I'll be right back.

Peter, you did get a tree.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I sure did, Lois, because I love
you and I love this family.

Oh, Peter.

Peter. Peter.

Peter. Peter?!

Peter Griffin,
what the hell is going on here?

Huh? Huh? What? Oh, yeah.

I was gonna go get all
the Christmas stuff,

but then I fell asleep
rubbin' one out

to Madonna's
"Santa Baby" in the car.

By the way, tonight's date night
is cancelled

due to lack of interest.

Peter, you were all supposed
to take the weight

of the holidays off my shoulders
for once, and you failed.

You all failed.

Brian, you're supposed
to be responsible.

Bad dog. Bad.

Damn it. And who got candy cane
all over the couch?

You know what? I've had it.

Every year, my cousin asks me
to come to Cabo for Christmas.

Well, this year, I'm going.

You're all gonna see
how hard it is

to make Christmas happen
around here without me.

I am packing my bags,
and I'm out of here.

You're getting divorced?

No, I'm just leaving
for a few days

and ruining their Christmas.

You're ruining Christmas

by suing the city
over holiday decorations?

No, I'm just leaving my family
for the holidays.

You're doing deaf jokes?

No. No one's doing deaf jokes.

Well, I can't hear,
so I don't know.

She's not doing them.

- What?
- I don't know.

I think we... I think...

I think we are doing
deaf jokes at this point.

I can't believe Mom went to Cabo

and left us alone for Christmas.

What are we gonna do?

Well, I'll tell you
the first thing we're gonna do.

We're gonna delete all of her
pretentious crap off the DVR.

I want to be the one
to delete The Crown.

She never watched them.
She just had 'em.

Do it, son.

Well, well, well, The Crown.

How the tables have turned.

Remember this face?

The one that wanted
to watch Modern Family?

Well, payback's a bitch. Delete!

"Are you sure you want
to delete The Crown?" Yes.

"Do you understand
that it's really good?" Yes!

"Are you sure? It will impress
your friends." Accept.

"You understand that we change
the cast every season."

Acknowledge.

"Come on. It's The Crown.
It's history." Don't care.

"You are not allowed
to delete The Crown."

We now return to The Crown.

I actually kind of love it.

Ah, me, too.

It's 'cause I'm trash,
and I love how fancy it is.

Dad, this doesn't help
with Christmas.

Yeah, we're screwed.
Who's gonna decorate?

Who's gonna
cook Christmas dinner?

Okay, calm down.
Now, I know your mom's gone,

and we're a little worried,
but Daddy's got a plan.

All right, everybody, go outside
and kneel face-first

in front
of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.

Come on, Peter. We can do this.

All right, Plan B.

I take two pills I got
after my root canal

and listen to records.

It's been four days.

Huh. Not too bad.

First of all, these are
really good binoculars.

Second, this was a great plan.

Watching the family fall apart
without me is better than Cabo.

Ah. Look at them.

I'll get a phone call any minute

begging me to come back
and save Christmas.

But in the meantime, it's time
for a little relaxation.

Welcome to the Quahog Motel,

the winner
of Tripadvisor's award for

"Best In-Room Stationery to
Write Your Suicide Note On".

Yeah, this is gonna work.

Now all I have to do is lie here
and wait, like a cobra.

- Cobra? Party of one?
- Yes, that's me.

And would you like me to bring
your drink from the bar?

Uh, yes. I have no hands?

All right, time to put up
the 2020 Christmas decorations.

First, ethnically-accurate
Jesus goes right here

next to Father Mary
and Mother Josephine,

followed closely by
the three genderless Wise People

on their Bird Scooters,

Tig Notaro for some reason,

and of course,
the Little Drummer Them.

Because God forbid
we call a boy a boy.

- Dad, what are you say...
- I don't like what the world is!

I'm white!
When's it gonna be our turn?!

Peter, relax.

How am I supposed to relax?

Christmas is tomorrow,
and that woman

who normally does everything had

to go help her sick aunt
or something.

- You mean Lois?
- I don't know.

The redhead with the voice.

She usually hangs up
these stupid Christmas lights.

And these stupid
Christmas wreaths.

And the white wire reindeers
that look like ghosts.

Dad, look.

Oh, my God, it's perfect.

Hello?

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Um, listen, Peter,
can you turn down those lights?

I'm in bed with a three,
and, um,

extra light is not her friend.

Oh, my God.
Stewie doesn't have a jacket on,

but other than that,
Peter's done it.

Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get it.

You like it rough, don't ya?

Oops, wrong room.

Sorry. We're excited.
My wife just killed herself.

What the hell?

They've never had a front yard
family snowball fight

when I was there.

Oh, and now the local news
is there.

Hello. I'm Tom Tucker.
This just in.

Husband does what wife normally
does, comma, makes headlines.

Come on. You can't be...

Oh, look at Quagmire

trying to sneak that three out
of his house.

Now they're standing
hand-in-hand?

It's like
they've never been happier.

Wait. What's Peter saying?

I...

love... you.

They better not say it back

also in distorted slow-motion
to emphasize my horror.

I... love... you...

too... Dad.

That's it.

There's only one thing to do.

I must put an end
to this whole thing.

I must stop Christmas.

Hey, what do you think
this is... a Lids?

Come get a camouflage Knicks hat

and let one rip.

Find us in the corner
of the mall

where all the lights
are going on and off.

Thanks for the ride.

And your unsolicited
racial theories.

Is the Turks, every time.

Merry Christmas.

And now, to ruin Christmas.

Who left all
these dirty dishes out?

Okay, much better.

I'm not even gonna think
about the grocery situation.

Okay. Ruin Christmas.
Here we go.

Don't even care if they
transferred the wet clothes

from the washer to the dryer.

Oh, you see?
I knew it. I knew it.

Santa Claus?

Why are you taking
our Christmas tree?

Why are you in pigtails
and a little girl's nightgown?

Okay, okay, maybe
we both forget what we saw.

God, I hate being alone
during the holidays.

Wait!

Hello, Joan.
My name is Glenn Quagmire.

I'm just calling to see
if I have a payment due

on my Discover card.

What? No, I'm not alone
on Christmas.

I'll have you know I'm actually
here with my very large family.

Uh, prove it by telling you
my children's real names

that don't sound like
I made them up in a panic?

Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt.

Look, there's kids, okay?

Oh, what, you don't believe me?

Bloofus, that vase
was irreplaceable.

Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna
have to let you go.

Wait. You think I was the one
who knocked over that vase?

How dare you, madam.

Oh, now Klunt's acting up.
Don't have kids, Joan.

- It's a big mistake.
- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, everybo...
Hey, what happened?

Peter, I... I think
we've been robbed.

I can't believe it.

They stole the presents,
they stole the decorations.

They even stole our tree.

I want my presents.

Okay, let's just settle down.

Everybody kneel in the backyard

in front of Daddy's
big pre-dug hole.

You know, Peter,
this never would've happened

if you hadn't gotten rid
of that Ring doorbell camera.

Ugh, someone crapped
on the porch again.

I'm checking the footage.

Whoever it was probably
had no choice, is my guess.

Their family was probably
using all the bathrooms.

That's probably what happened,
whoever did that.

We now return to Tony Bennett's

Half-Asleep
Christmas Spectacular.

* A-jingle, jingle,
jingle, jingle bells... *

Tony!

* Fa, la, la, la, la... *

- Coming up on Tony Bennett's

Half-Asleep
Christmas Spectacular,

a duet with Willie Nelson.

Guys!

- * O, come *
- * Just hear those *

- * Let us adore him *
- * Sleigh bells ringing *

* And jing-jing-jingling,
too... *

I'm back from Mexico,
and definitely not

- Cost Plus World Market.
- Welcome back, Lois.

I cleaned and got groceries.

We've been robbed.

Robbed?

On Christmas?

Oh, my God.

I-I go away for one Christmas,

and everything goes
down the drain.

All of you must
feel so terrible.

Well, we did, until we realized
there was one present

- we still had.
- There is?

Yeah, Mom. Yours.

Remember how you said you wanted
a gift from the heart this year?

Well, we all got you something.

We kept it upstairs
because we didn't think

you'd be here for Christmas.

Oh, well, that's nice.

We really made a point
to stay on top of the dishes

while you were gone.

Here you go, Mom.
It's from all of us.

Read the card first.

We put Brian's name on it,
but he's just the dog.

"Dear Mom, we're sorry

"we disappointed you
this Christmas.

"We know you put
a lot of hard work

"into making
Christmas memorable.

"We love and appreciate
everything you do.

"We'll never let you down again.

That you can count on."

Wow. That's...

that's really nice.

- There's more on the back.
- Oh.

"You see, having a mom
is not something

"we take for granted,
because you only get one.

"And the one we have
is perfect in every way.

We love you."

It's beautiful, you guys.

Now use this black light
to read what we wrote

in invisible ink
while This Is Us'

"sad stuff's about to happen"
acoustic guitar plays.

"Mom, from the very start,

"you've always been there
for us.

"And we know you've
always supported us

"and would never do anything
to let us down or hurt us.

"Thanks for making
every Christmas so memorable.

We love you so much, Mom."

Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.

And look up in the sky.

Aw, we should've read
that one first.

Now open your present.

Wow.

W-What is it?

It's a bowl we all made for you
in a pottery class.

A denim-shirted
lesbian named CJ helped us.

It's...

it's beautiful.

And what happened next?

Well, in Quahog they say,

Lois's heart grew three sizes
that day.

Never seen anything like it.

Very dangerous.
She's lucky to be alive.

- Thank God you're okay.
- We love you, Mom.

Best Christmas ever.

The medical emergency distractd
the family from her crimes.

She never did confess.

Instead, the Griffins'
Muslim neighbor

was arrested for the break-in.

Lois said nothing and the man
was deported back to Turkey.

See? What I tell you?

Always Turkey.

Well, it's good
to have you back, Lois.

If I kept having to
wash dishes and buy groceries,

- I was gonna go crazy.
- Okay.

So, Mom, who are these cousins
you were in Mexico with?

Oh, you know, just my cousins.

- Which ones?
- Yeah, Mom.

Prove it by telling us
cousin names

that don't sound like
you made them up in a panic.

Of course I can do that.

My good, close cousins
Bloofus and Klunt.

In fact, I think
I hear them upstairs right now.

Bloofus? Klunt?

Oh, no, Bloofus,

not Meg's diorama project,
which is due tomorrow.

Oh, no, Klunt,

that was Stewie's aquarium
with the fish

you have to feed so damn much

and they basically
always die anyway.

Frickin' Klunt, man.

Bloofus, put down Peter's pills
that came in a discreet box.

Got to go.

Bloofus.

Bloofus!