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Hello! And you've joined me in the
glorious, sumptuous town of Whitby
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00:00:19,801 --> 00:00:23,081
for what is normally
a festival of noise, speed, power
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00:00:23,321 --> 00:00:24,961
and tortured metaphors.
4
00:00:25,641 --> 00:00:29,761
This year, though, things are likely
to be a little more dreary,
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00:00:30,401 --> 00:00:35,921
for reasons that will become clear in
three, two, one. Now.
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00:00:36,521 --> 00:00:39,881
Hello! I'm here with this thing that
appears to have risen
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00:00:39,961 --> 00:00:41,321
from the depths of Whitby Harbour,
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because we're going to attempt
to answer a very important question.
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00:00:44,881 --> 00:00:48,761
What is the worst car
in the history of the world?
10
00:00:49,241 --> 00:00:52,121
And obviously, I couldn't let him do it
by himself because he'd get it wrong.
11
00:00:52,721 --> 00:00:54,401
Why would I get it wrong?
12
00:00:54,481 --> 00:00:57,561
Because you're obsessed with things
that don't matter.
13
00:00:57,801 --> 00:00:58,961
No, I'm not.
14
00:00:59,241 --> 00:01:00,521
Yes, you are.
15
00:01:00,601 --> 00:01:02,081
- I'm not.
- You are.
16
00:01:02,561 --> 00:01:05,721
Look, I said you could only appear
in my programme
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00:01:06,561 --> 00:01:09,241
provided you promised that
you wouldn't argue with me all the time.
18
00:01:09,441 --> 00:01:14,201
I promised not to argue with you
if you were reasonable in my programme.
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00:01:14,601 --> 00:01:17,921
James, you're arguing now
and we haven't even got to the titles.
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Yes, we have.
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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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This is very nasty.
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It's a FSO Polonez.
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00:01:51,201 --> 00:01:54,321
Built by communists out of steel so thin
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00:01:54,601 --> 00:01:56,201
you could use it as a net curtain.
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00:01:56,401 --> 00:02:00,361
It is as reliable and as long lasting
as a pensioner's erection.
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00:02:02,761 --> 00:02:05,721
JEREMY CLARKSON:
A point it made moments later.
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Completely stopped.
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With absolutely nothing working at all.
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(RATTLING)
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Open!
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Ah.
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00:02:22,761 --> 00:02:24,481
There's your problem.
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00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:26,961
Sparky bits.
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00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,841
Insulated.
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00:02:30,201 --> 00:02:32,561
Ahh! Bloody hell, that's hot.
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00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,001
- (ENGINE SPUTTERING)
- A-ha!
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00:02:35,401 --> 00:02:37,121
(ENGINE REVVING)
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00:02:40,241 --> 00:02:42,961
Let me talk you through some
of the equipment that is provided
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00:02:43,201 --> 00:02:46,201
as standard on this,
the luxury CE model.
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00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,841
It has a heated rear window.
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00:02:49,841 --> 00:02:51,121
Um...
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00:02:52,561 --> 00:02:53,881
Uh...
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00:02:55,881 --> 00:02:58,641
Oh! I've found another feature,
air-conditioning.
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00:03:02,601 --> 00:03:03,961
Apparently,
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00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:08,241
the intermittent Fiat engine in this
has 1.5 litres,
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00:03:08,401 --> 00:03:12,961
which begs the question,
1.5 litres of what?
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00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:18,601
Cheese? Wallpaper paste?
Marbles? Earwigs?
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00:03:19,881 --> 00:03:21,201
(ENGINE SPUTTERS)
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00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,881
JEREMY: Sadly, I wasn't able
to test out the performance
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00:03:23,961 --> 00:03:27,201
because the Polonez had
another little treat up its sleeve.
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00:03:27,521 --> 00:03:28,721
(CLICKS)
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00:03:28,921 --> 00:03:30,521
No, and it's broken down again.
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00:03:30,801 --> 00:03:32,361
There that's...
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00:03:34,561 --> 00:03:37,401
Okay, just count to 10, Jeremy,
count to 10.
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00:03:38,721 --> 00:03:42,201
(SOFTLY) Seven, eight, nine, ten.
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00:03:42,561 --> 00:03:44,481
(SHOUTING) You useless piece of...
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00:03:46,081 --> 00:03:50,481
Of course, history has served up
many cars that drove as badly as this,
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00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:53,321
but few looked quite so terrible.
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00:03:55,881 --> 00:03:58,321
Amazingly, it was styled by Giugiaro,
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00:03:58,401 --> 00:04:01,241
the man who gave us the original
Volkswagen Scirocco,
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00:04:01,321 --> 00:04:03,921
the Lotus Esprit, the BMW M1,
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00:04:04,001 --> 00:04:07,161
and countless other
breathtakingly beautiful cars.
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00:04:07,641 --> 00:04:09,881
I can only assume that here
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00:04:09,961 --> 00:04:13,761
he was experimenting with the idea
of trying to design a car
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00:04:13,841 --> 00:04:16,681
after consuming four litres of absinthe.
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00:04:17,681 --> 00:04:19,201
(IMITATES AS DRUNK)
All right, I've got it now.
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00:04:23,561 --> 00:04:26,921
Jeremy Clarkson is, unusually,
quite correct.
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00:04:27,081 --> 00:04:29,921
The Polonez is a truly dreadful car.
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00:04:30,001 --> 00:04:34,481
However, I have found something
literally even worse.
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00:04:34,681 --> 00:04:37,081
(INDIAN SONG PLAYING)
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00:04:43,601 --> 00:04:46,321
This is the Mahindra Cj540 Jeep.
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00:04:46,401 --> 00:04:50,721
And like the FSO, it, too,
is made from hand-me-down bits.
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00:04:51,521 --> 00:04:53,001
But they're much worse bits.
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00:04:53,161 --> 00:04:55,001
(SITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:04:55,721 --> 00:04:58,441
It started life as Willys Jeep,
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00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:02,921
the thing that American servicemen used
to distribute chocolates and nylons
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00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:06,721
all around the European theatre
in World War II.
79
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,881
When the war was over,
the Indians decided
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00:05:10,041 --> 00:05:14,001
they would keep on making it,
but with a few alterations.
81
00:05:15,681 --> 00:05:17,561
Firstly, they ruined the suspension
82
00:05:17,641 --> 00:05:20,761
by taking it off and replacing it
with some old road drills.
83
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:23,561
And then, in order to accommodate
84
00:05:23,641 --> 00:05:26,921
the second-hand Peugeot diesel engine
they'd been given,
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00:05:27,001 --> 00:05:28,681
they had to raise the bonnet line.
86
00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:33,641
That spoiled its good square-jawed,
war-winning looks.
87
00:05:34,641 --> 00:05:37,081
Now it just looks as if it's been given
a massive wedgie.
88
00:05:39,721 --> 00:05:42,481
It's so woeful on so many levels,
this thing.
89
00:05:42,561 --> 00:05:44,041
But the steering...
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00:05:44,481 --> 00:05:47,721
I don't know what means are used
to connect this wheel
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00:05:48,041 --> 00:05:50,321
to the wheels at the front,
and it's loose!
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00:05:51,001 --> 00:05:53,121
Look! It's gonna fall off.
93
00:05:54,281 --> 00:05:56,201
That's if I don't fall out.
94
00:06:00,921 --> 00:06:03,561
You could, of course, argue that
this is a comedy car,
95
00:06:03,641 --> 00:06:05,281
that you're driving it ironically.
96
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:08,881
But it's not a joke, you see,
because jokes are funny.
97
00:06:09,041 --> 00:06:11,601
And this isn't funny. This is...
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00:06:13,601 --> 00:06:18,521
And if Jeremy thinks that FSO is slow,
he is being delusional.
99
00:06:20,361 --> 00:06:21,921
A point I shall now demonstrate
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00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:24,161
with the traditional Top Gear
quarter-mile drag race.
101
00:06:29,161 --> 00:06:30,641
(ENGINE REVVING)
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00:06:33,481 --> 00:06:36,161
2.1 litres, 62 horsepower.
103
00:06:36,801 --> 00:06:39,081
Three, two, one.
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00:06:53,401 --> 00:06:54,721
(GRUNTS) Oh, no!
105
00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:57,881
Jeremy's lost his knob.
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00:06:58,121 --> 00:06:59,521
(LAUGHS) No.
107
00:07:02,961 --> 00:07:04,361
It's neck-and-neck!
108
00:07:05,881 --> 00:07:07,161
I'm growing a beard.
109
00:07:10,801 --> 00:07:12,241
(CARS APPROACHING)
110
00:07:15,281 --> 00:07:16,681
It's a photo finish!
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00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:23,921
JEREMY: And the photo showed nothing
between their rubbishness.
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00:07:24,441 --> 00:07:27,001
Both these cars are very horrid.
113
00:07:27,361 --> 00:07:31,121
But strangely,
neither is the worst car in the world
114
00:07:32,041 --> 00:07:33,761
and here's why.
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00:07:34,441 --> 00:07:38,161
History, of course, is littered with
thousands of extremely nasty cars.
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00:07:38,601 --> 00:07:41,681
The Lada Samara springs
immediately to mind.
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00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,681
And what was that thing that you
drove once, the Hyundai...
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00:07:43,841 --> 00:07:45,841
Yes, the three-cylinder Accident diesel.
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00:07:45,961 --> 00:07:47,241
JEREMY: That was very poor.
120
00:07:47,321 --> 00:07:49,241
The thing is, though, all the cars
we're talking about here,
121
00:07:49,321 --> 00:07:51,281
and the Jeep thing and the FSO,
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00:07:51,401 --> 00:07:54,241
they're all cheap,
and cheap is a good thing.
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00:07:54,321 --> 00:07:56,321
Yes, and that's the point
we're here to make.
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00:07:56,401 --> 00:07:59,161
Here, in the glorious surroundings
of Yorkshire,
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00:07:59,281 --> 00:08:02,361
we're going to look for a car
that is terrible but not cheap.
126
00:08:02,481 --> 00:08:05,601
Yeah, and made by a manufacturer
that should have known better.
127
00:08:05,761 --> 00:08:08,201
Yes, and when we find it, which we will,
128
00:08:08,281 --> 00:08:10,001
we've got a plan for what to do with it.
129
00:08:10,321 --> 00:08:11,521
Yeah, it is a brilliant plan,
130
00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:14,721
and if you want, you can fast-forward
to the end and find out what it is.
131
00:08:14,801 --> 00:08:17,761
But of course if you do that
you'd miss this.
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00:08:18,481 --> 00:08:20,081
(TYRES SCREECHING)
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00:08:21,121 --> 00:08:22,921
(ENGINE ROARING)
134
00:08:24,521 --> 00:08:27,761
JEREMY: The brand-new
Ferrari 458 Spider.
135
00:08:30,561 --> 00:08:35,441
A car that both James and I agree
is the best mid-engine supercar ever.
136
00:08:36,481 --> 00:08:38,081
(ENGINE ROARING)
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00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:47,841
When you take the roof off a car,
obviously it loses a bit of rigidity.
138
00:08:48,241 --> 00:08:51,401
And it gets heavier because they have
to put more stiffening in.
139
00:08:51,801 --> 00:08:54,081
Everybody always says that.
Can you tell the difference?
140
00:08:54,321 --> 00:08:57,321
- Let me just be exuberant for a moment.
- Be exuberant for a moment.
141
00:09:02,281 --> 00:09:03,521
- No.
- Good.
142
00:09:05,761 --> 00:09:08,401
Okay, so there's no downside,
but the upside is,
143
00:09:08,921 --> 00:09:10,281
you can hear more of that.
144
00:09:10,561 --> 00:09:12,241
(ENGINE ROARING)
145
00:09:14,001 --> 00:09:17,441
- And it's sort of more theatre.
- Yeah, absolutely.
146
00:09:18,961 --> 00:09:20,121
(TYRES SCREECHING)
147
00:09:28,521 --> 00:09:30,681
In a Ferrari, everything
148
00:09:30,841 --> 00:09:33,961
from the shape
to the sensation of really tiny things,
149
00:09:34,161 --> 00:09:35,601
like touching those paddles,
150
00:09:35,681 --> 00:09:38,441
is somehow slightly better defined
than it is anywhere else.
151
00:09:38,841 --> 00:09:41,361
And it has more tactile meaning,
do you know what I mean?
152
00:09:41,721 --> 00:09:43,761
Stop talking.
I want to listen to the noise.
153
00:09:44,081 --> 00:09:45,761
(ENGINE ROARING)
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00:09:46,801 --> 00:09:48,281
It's a performance artwork.
155
00:09:48,761 --> 00:09:51,921
It's like music and dance.
That is what it's like, I think.
156
00:09:53,321 --> 00:09:56,281
That's why it's so much better than
something like the Mercedes SLS.
157
00:09:56,441 --> 00:09:58,641
And it's funny I should
mention that, actually.
158
00:09:58,761 --> 00:10:00,081
What?
159
00:10:00,161 --> 00:10:02,321
That's why this is
so much better than an SLS.
160
00:10:12,441 --> 00:10:15,081
You have long argued that
that car is better than this.
161
00:10:15,161 --> 00:10:16,241
It is.
162
00:10:16,321 --> 00:10:18,841
JAMES: You've just been waxing about
this car and how wonderful it is.
163
00:10:18,921 --> 00:10:20,281
No, no, no, no, no.
164
00:10:20,361 --> 00:10:24,641
As a car, the Mercedes is better
for going to the shops for milk
165
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,961
on a wet November evening.
166
00:10:27,361 --> 00:10:29,041
Trust me, that is a better car.
167
00:10:32,241 --> 00:10:34,681
JEREMY: It's got a boot at the back,
the engine's at the front.
168
00:10:35,121 --> 00:10:37,241
It's less showy, it's a better car.
169
00:10:37,401 --> 00:10:38,521
Less showy?
170
00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,201
(ENGINE ROARING)
171
00:10:43,641 --> 00:10:45,281
- Overtake it.
- It's not possible.
172
00:10:48,841 --> 00:10:51,001
He's got more brake horsepower
than I have.
173
00:10:51,081 --> 00:10:52,121
One.
174
00:10:52,201 --> 00:10:53,241
- What?
- One.
175
00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,041
One what?
176
00:10:55,401 --> 00:10:58,041
- He's got one more brake horsepower.
- There you are, it's more.
177
00:11:02,121 --> 00:11:05,001
Right, neatly through the chicane.
Beans.
178
00:11:07,761 --> 00:11:09,681
- Now I'm stuck.
- You lifted off.
179
00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:10,801
I didn't!
180
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:13,321
- This is fraudulent. You're cheating.
- (LAUGHS)
181
00:11:17,401 --> 00:11:20,161
JAMES: Unsurprisingly,
after just five laps,
182
00:11:20,361 --> 00:11:22,241
the SLS tyres gave in.
183
00:11:22,801 --> 00:11:24,321
(CAMERA CLICKING)
184
00:11:26,241 --> 00:11:28,761
And it was relegated to the pits.
185
00:11:33,201 --> 00:11:36,081
That's a perfect demonstration
of what's wrong with it, you see.
186
00:11:36,161 --> 00:11:40,161
One hundred extra pound feet of torque,
and all it does is destroy the tyres.
187
00:11:40,481 --> 00:11:42,921
JEREMY: I like a car that eats itself.
188
00:11:43,081 --> 00:11:45,321
- JAMES: No, you don't.
- I do! It's savagery.
189
00:11:45,441 --> 00:11:48,321
What does that extra
one hundred pound feet of torque do?
190
00:11:48,521 --> 00:11:51,481
Other than send you
to a tyre depot. Sooner.
191
00:11:52,121 --> 00:11:54,441
- It's not funny.
- It is funny. (LAUGHS)
192
00:11:59,321 --> 00:12:00,601
JAM ES: What this has proved then
193
00:12:00,681 --> 00:12:03,681
is that with the 458,
Ferrari knows what it's doing.
194
00:12:03,921 --> 00:12:06,521
And has done for the last 65 years.
195
00:12:08,081 --> 00:12:10,041
(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)
196
00:12:10,441 --> 00:12:14,801
The Ferrari back catalogue
is a cocktail of perfection.
197
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:18,721
A symphony of intelligence, flair,
198
00:12:18,961 --> 00:12:22,201
technical innovation and art.
199
00:12:25,961 --> 00:12:28,121
So, what were they thinking of when,
200
00:12:28,241 --> 00:12:31,441
in 1980, they came up with the Mondial.
201
00:12:34,401 --> 00:12:37,241
This is Lennon and McCartney's Egg Man.
202
00:12:37,521 --> 00:12:38,881
(WHISPERS) Rubbish.
203
00:12:42,481 --> 00:12:44,241
Six thousand people
204
00:12:44,361 --> 00:12:47,441
bought one of these, assuming,
reasonably enough,
205
00:12:47,521 --> 00:12:49,161
that it would be terrific.
206
00:12:49,241 --> 00:12:53,281
It's a Ferrari, it has styling
by Pininfarina, a V8 engine.
207
00:12:53,721 --> 00:12:56,761
All the things
that make a Ferrari great.
208
00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:57,881
But...
209
00:13:00,561 --> 00:13:03,361
It's slower than a Golf GTI.
210
00:13:03,481 --> 00:13:05,321
And it doesn't handle as well.
211
00:13:08,401 --> 00:13:11,321
Who did they have in mind
when they designed the seating position?
212
00:13:11,521 --> 00:13:13,241
I mean, I have reasonably long legs,
213
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:14,761
but not exceptionally so.
214
00:13:14,841 --> 00:13:16,521
If I put the seat in the right position,
215
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:19,961
the steering wheel is pretty much
sawing my testicles off.
216
00:13:21,481 --> 00:13:24,441
JAMES: And things are even worse
in the back.
217
00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:27,281
The rear seats look as though
they were designed for somebody
218
00:13:27,361 --> 00:13:29,681
with no body below the pelvis.
219
00:13:32,921 --> 00:13:34,921
If you're one of those brave people
who thinks
220
00:13:35,121 --> 00:13:37,441
"I'm not going to buy
a small family hatchback,
221
00:13:37,521 --> 00:13:39,321
"I'm gonna buy a cheap Ferrari."
222
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,921
You'd probably end up with one of these.
223
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:44,961
And you would be bitterly disappointed.
224
00:13:49,201 --> 00:13:51,641
James, do you mind if I ask you
a rhetorical question?
225
00:13:51,721 --> 00:13:52,761
Mmm-hmm. Carry on.
226
00:13:52,881 --> 00:13:56,361
Is there anything else wrong
with the Mondial that you can think of?
227
00:13:56,881 --> 00:13:58,481
No, I think I've covered
pretty much everything.
228
00:13:58,641 --> 00:13:59,721
- Really?
- Mmm.
229
00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:01,121
Oh, no! There was one of...
230
00:14:01,201 --> 00:14:02,641
Actually, if you stick
your head down there...
231
00:14:02,721 --> 00:14:04,441
- Yes.
- ...I can demonstrate it to you.
232
00:14:04,521 --> 00:14:06,201
- Yeah.
- (ENGINE WHIRRING)
233
00:14:06,841 --> 00:14:08,081
(WHOOPING)
234
00:14:09,161 --> 00:14:12,601
So, what it's doing is, it's feeding
the petrol from the fuel tank
235
00:14:12,761 --> 00:14:15,761
directly back into the earth again,
without going through the engine.
236
00:14:16,001 --> 00:14:19,121
Yes, it doesn't bother with any of that
pesky internal combustion nonsense
237
00:14:19,201 --> 00:14:20,401
that other cars do.
238
00:14:20,481 --> 00:14:21,921
Here, end it.
239
00:14:24,481 --> 00:14:26,361
JEREMY: However; it was by no means
240
00:14:26,441 --> 00:14:28,601
the worst catastrophe
in Ferrari's history
241
00:14:28,681 --> 00:14:31,361
because if that was
Lennon and McCartney's Egg Man,
242
00:14:31,721 --> 00:14:34,561
this is Chuck Berry's Ding A Ling.
243
00:14:37,681 --> 00:14:39,481
(ENGINE ROARING)
244
00:14:40,761 --> 00:14:43,601
Built to celebrate
Ferrari's 50th anniversary,
245
00:14:43,721 --> 00:14:46,041
it was launched in 1995,
246
00:14:46,121 --> 00:14:48,801
48 years
after the company was founded.
247
00:14:50,561 --> 00:14:52,881
The idea was very simple.
248
00:14:53,041 --> 00:14:56,641
Ferrari wanted to make
an everyday Formula 1 car,
249
00:14:56,841 --> 00:15:00,601
so that 349 of their
better-off customers
250
00:15:01,161 --> 00:15:02,881
could experience on the road
251
00:15:03,081 --> 00:15:05,641
what Jean Alesi and Gerhard Berger
252
00:15:05,721 --> 00:15:08,321
were experiencing back then
on the track.
253
00:15:10,321 --> 00:15:13,521
JEREMY: Of course, some changes
had to be made to the F1 engine
254
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:16,881
before it would work in, say,
traffic or on a roundabout
255
00:15:16,961 --> 00:15:19,121
or in a garage or on a motorway.
256
00:15:19,321 --> 00:15:22,161
Or in fact anywhere
it might actually be used.
257
00:15:22,961 --> 00:15:24,201
(ENGINE ROARING)
258
00:15:24,521 --> 00:15:29,201
So the V12 in this
shows almost nothing in common
259
00:15:30,441 --> 00:15:32,041
with an F1 V12.
260
00:15:32,561 --> 00:15:35,721
This one only revs to 8,500.
261
00:15:36,481 --> 00:15:38,401
It's a 4.7, so it's bigger.
262
00:15:38,601 --> 00:15:41,281
And while it makes a lot of noise,
263
00:15:41,881 --> 00:15:46,561
it's not really the sound
you get from an F1 car, is it?
264
00:15:46,881 --> 00:15:48,161
Whoops$!
265
00:15:51,641 --> 00:15:54,361
JEREMY: The only really
Formula 1-ey thing about it
266
00:15:54,841 --> 00:15:58,321
is that it's a stress member,
it's a part of the chassis.
267
00:15:58,641 --> 00:16:02,041
It's bolted directly to the tub.
268
00:16:02,721 --> 00:16:06,801
Which means, of course, it's bolted
directly to the driver's spine.
269
00:16:07,681 --> 00:16:13,561
And that means he gets to feel
every single one of the vibrations.
270
00:16:17,121 --> 00:16:19,281
JEREMY: There was a weight issue, too.
271
00:16:19,401 --> 00:16:22,961
Formula 1 cars do not need
head lamps or indicators,
272
00:16:23,041 --> 00:16:25,441
or even a sodding great battery.
273
00:16:25,761 --> 00:16:27,001
This did.
274
00:16:27,121 --> 00:16:30,361
And nor do Formula 1 cars
have to meet noise regulations.
275
00:16:33,281 --> 00:16:37,281
And what's more, F1 cars don't need
rubber in their suspension bushes
276
00:16:37,441 --> 00:16:39,681
to protect the occupants from shattering
277
00:16:39,841 --> 00:16:42,321
every time the car goes over an amoeba.
278
00:16:44,801 --> 00:16:46,881
It's nothing like a Formula 1 car.
279
00:16:47,401 --> 00:16:50,401
And nor is it anything like a car
you'd want to drive.
280
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,121
Or look at.
281
00:16:54,401 --> 00:16:57,561
JEREMY: What is was,
was a big expensive mongrel.
282
00:17:02,681 --> 00:17:06,921
Obviously, as cars, the Ferraris
are nowhere near as bad as the
283
00:17:07,281 --> 00:17:08,801
Mahindra and the FSO.
284
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,801
But, when you consider what they cost,
285
00:17:12,441 --> 00:17:14,401
and what you were expecting,
286
00:17:15,281 --> 00:17:17,001
actually, they're worse.
287
00:17:19,601 --> 00:17:22,481
JAMES: Mind you,
when it comes to disappointments
288
00:17:22,561 --> 00:17:25,321
it's hard to beat the BMW X3.
289
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:31,521
It's supposed to be a more
compact version of the X5 4x4.
290
00:17:32,241 --> 00:17:35,921
But it's a bit like going out
with a two-thirds-scale Dolly Parton
291
00:17:36,481 --> 00:17:39,441
and expecting her to be just as
comfortable to rest your head on.
292
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,361
The ride is not very good.
293
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,281
It's not particularly good off-road,
294
00:17:45,361 --> 00:17:47,321
and it's not very spacious.
295
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:50,041
But more to the point,
the proportions are all wrong.
296
00:17:50,321 --> 00:17:53,481
It looks like what happens when somebody
takes a very well-known car shape
297
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:56,601
and tries to use it
as the basis of a novelty telephone.
298
00:17:58,121 --> 00:18:00,881
JAMES: If this had been
built by Hyundai or Kia,
299
00:18:00,961 --> 00:18:02,481
then you wouldn't worry.
300
00:18:04,481 --> 00:18:06,761
But it wasn't built by Hyundai or Kia
301
00:18:07,601 --> 00:18:11,081
It was built by the same company,
at the same time,
302
00:18:11,161 --> 00:18:14,241
and by the same people who built this.
303
00:18:20,361 --> 00:18:24,161
This, of course, is an M3,
a limited edition M3.
304
00:18:24,321 --> 00:18:26,081
£1,000 more than the standard car.
305
00:18:26,521 --> 00:18:30,081
And for that you get
£4,000 worth of extras.
306
00:18:30,521 --> 00:18:32,521
So you're paying £1,000 extra
307
00:18:32,641 --> 00:18:35,601
and you're getting 4,000 quid's
worth of stuff you don't want,
308
00:18:35,721 --> 00:18:38,001
in a car that's already
gone out of production.
309
00:18:40,281 --> 00:18:44,961
Yes, it is, though, mechanically
the same as the standard car.
310
00:18:45,721 --> 00:18:47,241
Which means it is
311
00:18:47,881 --> 00:18:49,801
pretty much perfect.
312
00:18:54,121 --> 00:18:57,161
It's really civilised and quiet,
and normal and brilliant,
313
00:18:57,281 --> 00:19:00,041
and then you can drive it
like a complete hooligan.
314
00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:11,001
In almost every other performance car
you drive these days,
315
00:19:11,081 --> 00:19:12,921
the noise you hear is the exhaust.
316
00:19:13,041 --> 00:19:14,241
- Yeah.
- Listen to this.
317
00:19:14,481 --> 00:19:15,961
(ROARING)
318
00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:19,481
JEREMY: That noise is coming
from the front, that's induction noise.
319
00:19:19,561 --> 00:19:22,681
Yeah, it is. The noise of an engine
working, which is quite nice.
320
00:19:25,721 --> 00:19:27,561
JEREMY: Why don't I have
one of these cars?
321
00:19:27,721 --> 00:19:29,361
- I mean, in the past you couldn't...
- No, no, no, no, no.
322
00:19:29,481 --> 00:19:31,041
...because they were COT cars.
323
00:19:31,121 --> 00:19:33,441
- Top of the COT, actually.
- They were. They were top of the COT.
324
00:19:34,961 --> 00:19:36,201
Every time you saw an M3
325
00:19:36,281 --> 00:19:38,881
you saw somebody you would never
have round for dinner driving it.
326
00:19:39,121 --> 00:19:42,521
But they've all now sort of migrated,
I think to Audis.
327
00:19:46,481 --> 00:19:49,001
You can bring
anything you like to the party,
328
00:19:49,081 --> 00:19:52,041
this will eat it, burp,
and be on its way.
329
00:19:56,721 --> 00:19:59,681
JEREMY: BMW are making
many great cars at the moment.
330
00:20:00,321 --> 00:20:03,641
All of which make the X3
look like a village idiot
331
00:20:04,041 --> 00:20:05,881
in a family of geniuses.
332
00:20:07,441 --> 00:20:09,081
(BAND PLAYING)
333
00:20:10,401 --> 00:20:13,161
Then we get to the question of America.
334
00:20:13,601 --> 00:20:15,801
This is a country
that has been to the Moon.
335
00:20:15,921 --> 00:20:18,161
It gave the world the IP00'.
336
00:20:18,401 --> 00:20:19,841
It broke the sound barrier,
337
00:20:19,921 --> 00:20:24,161
and runs a fleet of nuclear-powered
33-knot airports.
338
00:20:25,241 --> 00:20:29,081
This is a country that can post a
cruise missile through your letterbox
339
00:20:29,241 --> 00:20:31,161
from 6,000 miles away.
340
00:20:31,841 --> 00:20:36,401
So you would expect it to be the home
of the greatest cars on the planet.
341
00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:37,921
It isn't though.
342
00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:41,241
There's the AMC Pacer,
343
00:20:41,801 --> 00:20:43,281
the Chevrolet Corvair,
344
00:20:43,521 --> 00:20:44,921
the Chevy Vega,
345
00:20:45,321 --> 00:20:47,081
the Cadillac Cimarron,
346
00:20:47,241 --> 00:20:48,721
The Pontiac Aztek.
347
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,201
the Ford Pinto. And of course,
348
00:20:51,441 --> 00:20:52,881
the Thunderbird.
349
00:20:58,361 --> 00:21:00,081
And then, we have these two.
350
00:21:00,361 --> 00:21:02,881
On your left,
the Lincoln Continental Mark IV,
351
00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:05,681
and on your right,
the Buick LeSabre Custom.
352
00:21:07,521 --> 00:21:10,921
Both were designed to give
the discerning American customer
353
00:21:11,321 --> 00:21:16,081
an unrivalled blend of craftsmanship,
power and luxury.
354
00:21:20,441 --> 00:21:23,321
JAMES: And here we have
a modern European equivalent.
355
00:21:23,561 --> 00:21:25,361
The BMW M5.
356
00:21:28,441 --> 00:21:29,921
It is, of course, a lot more expensive.
357
00:21:30,001 --> 00:21:32,801
This one is around £85,000.
358
00:21:33,081 --> 00:21:35,481
But, there's a very
good reason for that,
359
00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:37,561
as we shall now demonstrate.
360
00:21:37,801 --> 00:21:40,721
- Well, not us.
- No, obviously not us.
361
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:43,921
No, we've entrusted the job
to someone very special.
362
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,441
We dragged him all the way up here
363
00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:48,161
to the carpark
of Darlington football club.
364
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,201
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
365
00:21:50,321 --> 00:21:53,801
(CLEARS THROAT)
The Stig's Yorkshire cousin!
366
00:21:54,361 --> 00:21:56,281
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
367
00:22:09,441 --> 00:22:13,081
The Stig is going to demonstrate
the superiority of the BMW in...
368
00:22:13,521 --> 00:22:15,041
A auto test.
369
00:22:15,521 --> 00:22:17,121
(ENGINE REVVING)
370
00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:22,201
JEREMY: So, here goes T'Stig
on one timed lap.
371
00:22:22,561 --> 00:22:23,961
One, go.
372
00:22:25,961 --> 00:22:29,721
JEREMY: He's spinning away
all of the Beemer's 560 horsepower
373
00:22:29,801 --> 00:22:33,161
burning into the
Darlington Football Club carpark there.
374
00:22:34,241 --> 00:22:36,761
First obstacle,
okay, it's the doughnut box.
375
00:22:37,001 --> 00:22:41,561
T'Stig making use of the BMW's
brilliant 50-50 weight distribution,
376
00:22:41,921 --> 00:22:45,281
and now two almost perfect doughnuts.
377
00:22:45,601 --> 00:22:47,281
He's slowed down!
378
00:22:47,481 --> 00:22:49,041
How's he doing that?
379
00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:52,161
He sped up again, and he's out!
380
00:22:52,481 --> 00:22:55,681
T'Stig now exiting the box
heading back down the car park
381
00:22:55,761 --> 00:22:57,521
to the double left-right chicanes.
382
00:22:58,561 --> 00:22:59,921
How's he doing there?
383
00:23:00,001 --> 00:23:01,961
He's turning the wheel
one way then the other,
384
00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:04,081
and now he's going
round a corner very fast.
385
00:23:04,161 --> 00:23:05,841
Smoke coming off the back of the tyres
386
00:23:05,921 --> 00:23:07,721
and he goes round some tyres.
387
00:23:07,881 --> 00:23:10,761
And soon, he'll be driving
into an imaginary garage
388
00:23:10,841 --> 00:23:12,321
made out of green cones.
389
00:23:12,561 --> 00:23:13,681
You just watch this.
390
00:23:14,001 --> 00:23:15,041
There it is!
391
00:23:15,361 --> 00:23:17,401
Right, he stops
by pressing the brake pedal.
392
00:23:17,481 --> 00:23:19,921
Now he puts it in reverse
ready for the j-turn.
393
00:23:20,401 --> 00:23:22,201
Reverse as fast as you can,
flick the wheel,
394
00:23:22,281 --> 00:23:24,121
jam on the brake,
front will slide round.
395
00:23:24,441 --> 00:23:26,721
The two-ton Beemer, there it goes!
396
00:23:27,041 --> 00:23:28,361
And here he is now with...
397
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:29,641
He's slowed down again!
398
00:23:29,721 --> 00:23:31,881
No, wait! He's...
Now he's back to full speed.
399
00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:33,121
And that's a good thing.
400
00:23:33,241 --> 00:23:35,961
All he's gotta do now
is get to the finish line.
401
00:23:36,521 --> 00:23:38,761
And stop! Now!
402
00:23:39,201 --> 00:23:41,521
One minute, 18.29.
403
00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:46,001
And now, we have to try and beat that
in our American cars,
404
00:23:46,081 --> 00:23:47,401
and bagsy l have the Lincoln.
405
00:23:47,601 --> 00:23:50,041
Okay, I'm very happy with the
Buick LeSabre Custom.
406
00:23:50,481 --> 00:23:51,881
How big's your engine?
407
00:23:51,961 --> 00:23:53,361
5.7 litres.
408
00:23:53,441 --> 00:23:55,401
Seven litre, V8 motor.
409
00:23:55,801 --> 00:23:57,521
160 horsepower in the Buick.
410
00:23:57,921 --> 00:23:59,281
It's 200 horsepower, okay?
411
00:23:59,361 --> 00:24:02,521
How do they get so few horsepower
from a V8 motor?
412
00:24:03,521 --> 00:24:04,841
I don't know.
413
00:24:04,921 --> 00:24:06,321
But it isn't about power anyway, this.
414
00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:08,841
This is about agility, precision.
415
00:24:10,361 --> 00:24:11,761
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
416
00:24:12,041 --> 00:24:14,441
JAMES: Fortunately for us,
the rain had come,
417
00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:17,001
meaning our slides would be easier.
418
00:24:17,241 --> 00:24:19,441
Three, two, one...
419
00:24:21,201 --> 00:24:22,681
JAMES: And we're off.
420
00:24:24,961 --> 00:24:26,361
JEREMY: Right, here he is.
421
00:24:26,601 --> 00:24:28,881
Into the box for the doughnuts.
422
00:24:29,441 --> 00:24:31,321
- Squeeze the brakes.
- (TYRES SCREECHING)
423
00:24:31,521 --> 00:24:32,721
Ooh, he's locked up.
424
00:24:40,121 --> 00:24:42,961
That's not a doughnut as such.
425
00:24:44,521 --> 00:24:47,241
JAMES: And we're out
and we're ready for the slalom.
426
00:24:47,321 --> 00:24:49,001
We'll get lots of power now.
427
00:24:50,481 --> 00:24:52,801
JEREMY: James has
a Rolls-Royce Corniche
428
00:24:52,881 --> 00:24:55,561
so he's used to the wallow and the roll.
429
00:24:56,241 --> 00:24:57,321
Figure of eight.
430
00:24:58,121 --> 00:25:01,881
Look at the angle that wheel achieves
when he's going round the corner.
431
00:25:01,961 --> 00:25:03,761
That's beyond belief.
432
00:25:05,161 --> 00:25:06,201
Beautiful.
433
00:25:06,361 --> 00:25:07,721
JEREMY: So, j-turn.
434
00:25:09,361 --> 00:25:13,161
Right, hold the thing,
foot ready, reverse...
435
00:25:19,641 --> 00:25:20,921
That'll do.
436
00:25:21,201 --> 00:25:23,361
This is really a shambolic display,
437
00:25:24,441 --> 00:25:26,441
demonstrating that the car
must be terrible
438
00:25:26,521 --> 00:25:28,321
'cause James is very good at this.
439
00:25:28,681 --> 00:25:30,361
JAMES: A little bit of under-steer
440
00:25:30,561 --> 00:25:32,121
as he heads for home,
441
00:25:32,361 --> 00:25:35,361
to stop precisely in the box.
442
00:25:38,921 --> 00:25:43,161
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Three minutes, 34.85 seconds.
443
00:25:45,881 --> 00:25:48,841
JEREMY: With James having doubled
T'Stig's lap time,
444
00:25:48,921 --> 00:25:51,841
I was feeling confident
in the USS Lincoln.
445
00:25:54,681 --> 00:25:56,161
Massive wheel-spin.
446
00:25:56,481 --> 00:25:58,161
Oh, look at that.
447
00:26:00,081 --> 00:26:03,681
One of the big problems I have
is that I'm sitting
448
00:26:04,481 --> 00:26:07,521
over 10 feet from the front of the car.
449
00:26:07,921 --> 00:26:11,681
The bonnet itself is six feet,
six inches long.
450
00:26:11,761 --> 00:26:12,801
Power!
451
00:26:13,201 --> 00:26:14,241
No!
452
00:26:15,521 --> 00:26:16,561
JAMES: Stalled.
453
00:26:17,281 --> 00:26:20,281
In Europe, cars are built
to the nearest millimetre.
454
00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:21,881
In America, it's to the nearest foot.
455
00:26:22,361 --> 00:26:24,361
- Come on, you wazzock.
- Power!
456
00:26:27,001 --> 00:26:28,041
JAMES: And he's out.
457
00:26:28,121 --> 00:26:29,961
He's out and he's heading
for the slalom.
458
00:26:30,041 --> 00:26:31,401
I'd stand back.
459
00:26:31,601 --> 00:26:33,201
Now, lean in.
460
00:26:33,361 --> 00:26:34,481
Whoa!
461
00:26:34,761 --> 00:26:36,561
Lovely to watch.
Look at the way it just...
462
00:26:36,641 --> 00:26:38,561
It's like a mountain goat the way it...
463
00:26:38,641 --> 00:26:40,561
Oh, and he's lost a hubcap.
464
00:26:40,641 --> 00:26:42,001
(TYRES SCREECHING)
465
00:26:42,361 --> 00:26:43,401
Three-speed gearbox.
466
00:26:43,481 --> 00:26:45,961
The Americans, of course,
terribly confused by the concept
467
00:26:46,041 --> 00:26:47,641
of four or five.
468
00:26:48,241 --> 00:26:50,921
Six is something
they don't understand at all.
469
00:26:54,241 --> 00:26:55,361
Oh, my God.
470
00:26:55,921 --> 00:26:57,761
Ah! I'm out of the road.
471
00:27:00,161 --> 00:27:01,641
JAMES: Utter rubbish.
472
00:27:02,161 --> 00:27:05,081
I think when they
were designing this car,
473
00:27:05,161 --> 00:27:09,481
no one in any meeting
ever used the word "precision".
474
00:27:09,801 --> 00:27:11,201
Into the box for the j-turn.
475
00:27:11,281 --> 00:27:12,481
J-turn.
476
00:27:13,201 --> 00:27:15,281
And brake flick.
477
00:27:21,961 --> 00:27:24,961
Just a magnificent display
of agility, poise.
478
00:27:26,121 --> 00:27:27,641
And now it's the home straight.
479
00:27:27,721 --> 00:27:31,161
The sun is coming out
to celebrate a fine victory.
480
00:27:33,081 --> 00:27:34,201
And...
481
00:27:34,281 --> 00:27:35,321
Stop.
482
00:27:38,801 --> 00:27:43,561
AUTOMATED VOICE:
In four minutes, 7.97 seconds.
483
00:27:48,721 --> 00:27:50,641
Now, the thing is,
okay, this was the slowest
484
00:27:50,721 --> 00:27:53,401
and therefore the worst,
the Lincoln Continental Mark IV.
485
00:27:53,481 --> 00:27:57,001
So is this, do you think,
worthy of the special treatment
486
00:27:57,081 --> 00:27:59,201
that we have lined up
at the end of the programme?
487
00:27:59,281 --> 00:28:01,681
No. No, no, no. Think about it.
488
00:28:02,361 --> 00:28:04,041
It's not really appropriate, is it?
489
00:28:04,681 --> 00:28:05,721
Why?
490
00:28:05,841 --> 00:28:07,121
It's American.
491
00:28:08,481 --> 00:28:09,721
Oh, yes.
492
00:28:10,281 --> 00:28:11,801
Let's move swiftly on to Lancia.
493
00:28:14,601 --> 00:28:16,121
As we have said in the past
494
00:28:16,201 --> 00:28:19,561
Lancia has made more truly great cars
over the years
495
00:28:19,641 --> 00:28:21,281
than anyone else.
496
00:28:21,601 --> 00:28:23,361
The Delta lntegrale.
497
00:28:25,041 --> 00:28:26,401
The Gamma.
498
00:28:28,201 --> 00:28:29,601
The Stratos.
499
00:28:30,721 --> 00:28:32,561
The 037.
500
00:28:33,761 --> 00:28:35,481
Etcetera, etcetera.
501
00:28:35,561 --> 00:28:37,681
So, what are they up to now?
502
00:28:47,801 --> 00:28:51,121
This is where Lancia's greatness
has led it.
503
00:28:51,361 --> 00:28:55,841
It's a city car based on the Fiat 500,
but not quite as good.
504
00:28:56,281 --> 00:28:58,881
So you have to ask, "What is the point?"
505
00:29:00,561 --> 00:29:04,241
It's called the Ypsilon,
after a letter in the Greek alphabet
506
00:29:04,481 --> 00:29:06,481
to make it sound intellectual.
507
00:29:06,561 --> 00:29:08,921
But unfortunately,
they spoilt the effect
508
00:29:09,001 --> 00:29:12,081
by giving it the facial expression
of a moron.
509
00:29:14,481 --> 00:29:17,281
The only good thing about this,
I suppose, is that you can say,
510
00:29:17,521 --> 00:29:20,081
"I have a Lancia",
unless you're in Britain,
511
00:29:20,161 --> 00:29:22,921
because over here, for reasons
we don't really understand,
512
00:29:23,001 --> 00:29:25,641
this is badged and sold as a Chrysler.
513
00:29:27,361 --> 00:29:29,721
That's a bit like Montblanc
making a fabulous new pen
514
00:29:29,801 --> 00:29:31,721
and then calling it "The BIC".
515
00:29:32,721 --> 00:29:35,601
JEREMY: And so, from Lancia
to Alfa Romeo,
516
00:29:35,841 --> 00:29:39,001
another car company whose history
is peppered with gold.
517
00:29:40,961 --> 00:29:43,841
In the 1950 Formula 1 championship,
518
00:29:44,121 --> 00:29:47,081
Alfa won all but one of the races.
519
00:29:48,881 --> 00:29:51,481
And on the road they were the kings.
520
00:29:51,961 --> 00:29:55,921
The Spider was the very embodiment
of European chic.
521
00:29:57,761 --> 00:30:01,321
And then, there was the Alfa Sud
one of the best handling
522
00:30:01,401 --> 00:30:03,841
front-wheel drive cars of all time.
523
00:30:06,481 --> 00:30:09,561
Which brings us on to the GTV 6,
524
00:30:09,881 --> 00:30:13,201
styled by Giugiaro when he wasn't
off his face on absinthe,
525
00:30:13,401 --> 00:30:15,801
it was a glorious looking thing.
526
00:30:16,161 --> 00:30:20,481
And it was propelled by an engine
of unparalleled creaminess
527
00:30:20,801 --> 00:30:22,041
and zest.
528
00:30:24,001 --> 00:30:28,121
I love this engine so much
that I actually bought a GTV 6
529
00:30:28,441 --> 00:30:32,721
and that's why I'm qualified to tell you
that it's a genuine contender
530
00:30:33,161 --> 00:30:35,441
for the worst car in the world.
531
00:30:36,761 --> 00:30:39,161
First of all, it was a hatch back.
532
00:30:39,321 --> 00:30:41,241
But you couldn't fold
the rear seats down
533
00:30:41,321 --> 00:30:45,841
because they put the petrol tank
in the way.
534
00:30:47,121 --> 00:30:49,441
And sadly, I can't show you that
535
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,721
because the boot release button
has broken.
536
00:30:51,801 --> 00:30:54,081
This, however,
in the big scheme of things,
537
00:30:54,161 --> 00:30:55,521
is nothing.
538
00:30:55,721 --> 00:30:58,521
When I had a GTV 6,
I remember driving along one day,
539
00:30:58,601 --> 00:30:59,801
50 miles an hour.
540
00:30:59,881 --> 00:31:02,481
And the rod connecting
the gear lever at the front
541
00:31:02,561 --> 00:31:04,361
with the gearbox which was at the back,
542
00:31:04,441 --> 00:31:07,121
fell off and landed on the prop shaft.
543
00:31:07,401 --> 00:31:08,801
Now, this made a noise,
544
00:31:08,881 --> 00:31:12,201
similar I guess, to the sound
made by the Red Sea
545
00:31:12,281 --> 00:31:13,401
when it was parted.
546
00:31:13,481 --> 00:31:17,121
It also locked up the rear wheels,
causing a massive spin.
547
00:31:17,601 --> 00:31:18,681
Um, other things,
548
00:31:18,761 --> 00:31:21,561
you always had to put a broom handle
549
00:31:21,641 --> 00:31:24,081
between the clutch pedal
and the driver's seat
550
00:31:24,161 --> 00:31:27,041
to stop the clutch plates
welding together.
551
00:31:27,361 --> 00:31:30,881
The driving position was suitable
only for an ape.
552
00:31:31,281 --> 00:31:32,521
Oh, and the sunroof leaked.
553
00:31:33,801 --> 00:31:36,401
In many ways then, it was like having
554
00:31:36,921 --> 00:31:40,201
a moody, bad-tempered,
drunken girlfriend.
555
00:31:40,361 --> 00:31:42,321
But, you would persevere
556
00:31:43,081 --> 00:31:47,001
because she has the face of an angel,
the body of a supermodel,
557
00:31:47,241 --> 00:31:49,321
and once in a while,
she'd let you get around...
558
00:31:51,041 --> 00:31:52,361
Yes, thank you.
559
00:31:52,801 --> 00:31:55,761
Uh, I agree.
The GTV is not without its faults.
560
00:31:55,841 --> 00:31:57,841
But let's be honest,
it's highly unlikely
561
00:31:57,921 --> 00:32:00,721
that the worst car in the world
is going to be Italian,
562
00:32:01,001 --> 00:32:05,081
because even when they're not very good,
they're still somehow rather nice.
563
00:32:05,681 --> 00:32:07,721
That brings us neatly onto the French.
564
00:32:07,801 --> 00:32:09,161
(FLY BUZZING)
565
00:32:12,201 --> 00:32:16,601
This is a Citroen Pluriel,
which is an convertible.
566
00:32:17,041 --> 00:32:18,761
And to explain what's wrong with it
567
00:32:19,761 --> 00:32:23,561
we need to start by looking
at a Mazda MX-5.
568
00:32:25,001 --> 00:32:29,681
If you want to lower the roof on this
or indeed, any other convertible,
569
00:32:30,041 --> 00:32:32,801
you simply push a button
and in a matter of seconds
570
00:32:32,881 --> 00:32:36,681
a series of electric motors does the job
on your behalf.
571
00:32:37,241 --> 00:32:38,281
Done.
572
00:32:39,801 --> 00:32:43,481
Citroen, however, decided
that there was a better way.
573
00:32:50,841 --> 00:32:53,801
I do know that somehow this whole panel
574
00:32:54,121 --> 00:32:55,841
and this comes off.
575
00:33:03,681 --> 00:33:04,721
Ow!
576
00:33:06,281 --> 00:33:08,681
It just doesn't make any sense at all.
577
00:33:12,521 --> 00:33:14,001
Here we go.
578
00:33:14,361 --> 00:33:19,001
"The rear part of the movable floor
should be retracted."
579
00:33:19,081 --> 00:33:20,361
How do you...
580
00:33:22,601 --> 00:33:25,161
Why is it this complicated?
581
00:33:25,241 --> 00:33:27,361
The rear tailgate should be open.
582
00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:29,401
I know!
583
00:33:32,441 --> 00:33:35,921
After literally 10 minutes,
I had to summon assistance
584
00:33:36,001 --> 00:33:37,881
from a man in an anorak.
585
00:33:38,241 --> 00:33:39,801
I see, right there.
586
00:33:40,721 --> 00:33:43,121
Lift this... Ah! ...a few centimetres
587
00:33:43,721 --> 00:33:46,361
"till it clicks in place,
pivot the cassette..."
588
00:33:51,641 --> 00:33:54,961
First get a degree
in Mechanical Engineering.
589
00:33:55,321 --> 00:33:56,641
(GRUNT5)
590
00:34:00,441 --> 00:34:01,921
Jesus wept.
591
00:34:05,641 --> 00:34:07,681
So there we are in just
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
592
00:34:07,881 --> 00:34:09,601
22 minutes,
593
00:34:10,201 --> 00:34:12,521
the Citroen has been converted
594
00:34:13,201 --> 00:34:14,601
into a
595
00:34:15,081 --> 00:34:16,881
fresh air machine.
596
00:34:17,441 --> 00:34:19,881
And I think the weather
looks good for a while.
597
00:34:20,401 --> 00:34:23,201
There is another problem
with this system.
598
00:34:23,801 --> 00:34:26,281
The bits you've removed
won't fit in the car,
599
00:34:26,361 --> 00:34:29,321
which means you have to go out
without them.
600
00:34:39,001 --> 00:34:42,601
Now, that of course is fine
if you live in the Atacama Desert
601
00:34:42,721 --> 00:34:43,921
where it never rains.
602
00:34:44,001 --> 00:34:45,761
But, here in Whitby,
603
00:34:46,561 --> 00:34:47,801
it does.
604
00:34:50,401 --> 00:34:53,121
The only solution that I can think of
605
00:34:53,241 --> 00:34:57,281
is to be followed everywhere you go
by a man in a van,
606
00:34:57,361 --> 00:34:59,081
with your roof in the back.
607
00:35:02,321 --> 00:35:05,281
This, of course,
is a very expensive solution.
608
00:35:05,361 --> 00:35:08,801
Even the blithering idiot that
I've employed is costing me
609
00:35:09,161 --> 00:35:11,881
£4,500 a year.
610
00:35:18,561 --> 00:35:20,841
And he will also need
a clothing allowance
611
00:35:20,921 --> 00:35:22,921
because when it does start to rain,
612
00:35:23,041 --> 00:35:25,361
his favourite T-shirt will be ruined
613
00:35:25,441 --> 00:35:28,481
before he's had a chance
to reassemble the car.
614
00:35:30,201 --> 00:35:32,641
While he's doing this,
I shall talk you through
615
00:35:32,721 --> 00:35:37,001
some of the other problems
with this hateful little car.
616
00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:39,561
It takes 25 seconds to change gear.
617
00:35:39,881 --> 00:35:41,961
It is the flobberiest convertible
I've driven
618
00:35:42,041 --> 00:35:43,881
since the Saab 900.
619
00:35:43,961 --> 00:35:47,561
And nothing on God's green earth
says, "I'm a clot",
620
00:35:47,721 --> 00:35:49,961
better than a Citroen Pluriel.
621
00:35:51,721 --> 00:35:54,041
Come on, I'm paying you £90 a week.
622
00:35:54,121 --> 00:35:56,561
Hurry up.
I'm getting soggy trousers here.
623
00:35:56,961 --> 00:35:58,361
It's very badly designed, sir.
624
00:35:59,641 --> 00:36:01,281
JAMES: But for sheer idiocy,
625
00:36:01,401 --> 00:36:03,681
the roof on this Citroen is nothing...
626
00:36:05,721 --> 00:36:08,961
...compared with Saab's
Sensonic gearbox.
627
00:36:10,641 --> 00:36:11,681
Here's how it works.
628
00:36:11,921 --> 00:36:15,481
There is a gear stick like you find
in any normal, manual car.
629
00:36:15,561 --> 00:36:18,521
But, there's no clutch pedal
because the clutch
630
00:36:18,601 --> 00:36:22,321
is operated automatically
by the car's brain.
631
00:36:22,641 --> 00:36:25,281
Now, the idea is
it's the best of both worlds.
632
00:36:25,361 --> 00:36:29,121
You get the control and precision
of a manual gear change,
633
00:36:29,201 --> 00:36:32,601
but the easy life convenience
of an automatic.
634
00:36:32,721 --> 00:36:34,841
And if you're just,
sort of, driving about
635
00:36:34,921 --> 00:36:37,801
as I am here,
then it works perfectly well.
636
00:36:38,001 --> 00:36:42,681
However, it can be a bit problematic
under certain circumstances.
637
00:36:47,481 --> 00:36:49,001
Ah-ha! A space.
638
00:36:49,081 --> 00:36:51,361
And it is the one thing
639
00:36:51,441 --> 00:36:54,961
that the driver of the Sensonic
Saab 900 fears the most.
640
00:36:55,081 --> 00:36:58,921
It's the reverse, uphill
parallel parking manoeuvre.
641
00:36:59,201 --> 00:37:01,041
And this is going to be a bit tricky.
642
00:37:01,521 --> 00:37:04,681
Just to increase my chances,
I'll lower the roof.
643
00:37:06,001 --> 00:37:08,121
I'm just watching James May park a car.
644
00:37:08,201 --> 00:37:09,841
I suggest you all do the same.
645
00:37:10,201 --> 00:37:11,361
It's always entertaining.
646
00:37:11,441 --> 00:37:12,841
BOY: Oh, the roof's coming off.
647
00:37:12,921 --> 00:37:13,961
JAMES: Now, here is the issue.
648
00:37:14,041 --> 00:37:16,401
If this was a normal manual car,
649
00:37:16,561 --> 00:37:19,281
I'd be able to reverse,
feeding the clutch very gently
650
00:37:19,361 --> 00:37:21,801
and very subtly,
to go backwards into the space.
651
00:37:21,961 --> 00:37:24,361
If it was an automatic,
I'd put it in reverse
652
00:37:24,441 --> 00:37:27,401
and the torque converter would,
of course, make the car creep backwards.
653
00:37:27,481 --> 00:37:30,041
In this, when I take my foot
off the brake,
654
00:37:30,761 --> 00:37:32,001
it will simply roll away.
655
00:37:32,081 --> 00:37:33,601
So, in reverse,
656
00:37:33,841 --> 00:37:35,361
no clutch, remember?
657
00:37:35,561 --> 00:37:36,921
Try and use the handbrake.
658
00:37:37,001 --> 00:37:38,041
There we are going backwards,
659
00:37:38,121 --> 00:37:39,441
but the instant
you lift your foot a bit,
660
00:37:39,521 --> 00:37:41,881
the clutch disengages
and does that, you see?
661
00:37:42,081 --> 00:37:44,521
You can't hold it
like you can with the normal clutch.
662
00:37:44,601 --> 00:37:46,001
It isn't that sophisticated.
663
00:37:46,361 --> 00:37:48,601
Right, now let's try
the parking manoeuvre.
664
00:37:48,761 --> 00:37:52,441
Of course, nobody is watching this,
which makes it a lot easier.
665
00:37:52,841 --> 00:37:54,761
- Are we struggling?
- No.
666
00:37:55,041 --> 00:37:58,001
I'm explaining to everybody
the problem is that you can't park.
667
00:37:58,121 --> 00:38:00,321
No, the problem...
Oh, I'll explain it to you later.
668
00:38:00,601 --> 00:38:02,001
So, brake...
669
00:38:04,161 --> 00:38:06,161
Are we going backwards?
I've got it, feather it a bit.
670
00:38:06,241 --> 00:38:08,601
No, it's gonna go forwards,
no, it's gonna go backwards.
671
00:38:08,681 --> 00:38:10,041
No, it's gonna go backwards.
672
00:38:10,441 --> 00:38:12,601
This is quite good.
It's gonna go backwards.
673
00:38:13,041 --> 00:38:15,321
And it's gonna go backwards.
No, it's rolling forward.
674
00:38:15,401 --> 00:38:16,641
It's so difficult to do!
675
00:38:16,721 --> 00:38:18,521
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
(LAUGHS)
676
00:38:18,601 --> 00:38:20,041
Wait for it.
677
00:38:22,041 --> 00:38:23,921
So, try and give it a bit more revvage.
678
00:38:24,801 --> 00:38:26,321
Then it... (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
679
00:38:28,081 --> 00:38:31,001
That is exactly the problem
with the Sensonic Saab.
680
00:38:31,081 --> 00:38:33,281
You cannot get it into
a parking space, can you?
681
00:38:35,441 --> 00:38:37,121
And then when you let
your foot off the brake,
682
00:38:37,441 --> 00:38:39,561
because it doesn't have
a creep function, it does that.
683
00:38:39,641 --> 00:38:40,761
Is that parked?
684
00:38:40,881 --> 00:38:42,121
CROWD: Yeah!
685
00:38:42,681 --> 00:38:43,721
It's impossible.
686
00:38:47,641 --> 00:38:51,121
JEREMY: It's true.
Saab's Sensonic gearbox was dreadful.
687
00:38:52,001 --> 00:38:54,721
But I've just thought
of something worse.
688
00:39:00,561 --> 00:39:05,001
I will admit that today's Porsche 977
is really not bad at all.
689
00:39:06,601 --> 00:39:08,521
But things used to be different.
690
00:39:10,641 --> 00:39:14,561
This is a 1977 91 Carrera RS.
691
00:39:14,641 --> 00:39:16,321
And it was terrible
692
00:39:17,161 --> 00:39:20,721
All cars can kill you,
but this one actively wanted to.
693
00:39:22,001 --> 00:39:25,081
It had a full arsenal
of handling characteristics,
694
00:39:25,201 --> 00:39:28,481
and though James disagrees,
all of them were fatal.
695
00:39:31,521 --> 00:39:34,481
Come on, James, you have to admit,
911's are a bit tragic.
696
00:39:34,561 --> 00:39:36,121
No, they're not tragic, Jeremy.
697
00:39:36,201 --> 00:39:37,881
They are proper sports cars
698
00:39:37,961 --> 00:39:40,601
for discerning enthusiasts
who know what they're talking about.
699
00:39:40,681 --> 00:39:42,121
That's what they're supposed to be.
700
00:39:42,201 --> 00:39:43,401
But they're just codpieces
701
00:39:43,481 --> 00:39:45,441
for gentlemen whose sausages
have started to wilt.
702
00:39:45,521 --> 00:39:48,401
Don't be... Look, we did agree
that we wouldn't let this degenerate
703
00:39:48,481 --> 00:39:50,281
into a pointless slanging match.
Come on.
704
00:39:50,361 --> 00:39:54,161
You can't expect me
to stand here like a bush
705
00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:57,001
while you explain this is a good car.
706
00:39:57,081 --> 00:39:58,881
JAMES: Well, it's not
the best 911, all right.
707
00:39:58,961 --> 00:40:00,521
But it isn't that bad.
708
00:40:00,601 --> 00:40:05,321
It's supposed to hark back
to "the iconic" 2.7 litre RS
709
00:40:05,641 --> 00:40:07,281
from '73 and it doesn't.
710
00:40:07,361 --> 00:40:08,641
What do you mean, "iconic"?
711
00:40:08,721 --> 00:40:10,281
Well, that's what Porsche people do.
712
00:40:10,481 --> 00:40:13,641
JAMES: I decided at this point
that the best way to get back at Jeremy
713
00:40:13,721 --> 00:40:15,761
would be to sink to his level.
714
00:40:19,041 --> 00:40:22,441
To do that I'd have to start with this.
715
00:40:31,361 --> 00:40:33,801
This is a Ford Capri.
716
00:40:34,361 --> 00:40:37,361
Now, most people
hanker after the German engine,
717
00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:40,441
2.8 injection, but not me, no, no, no.
718
00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:44,321
You want the early one,
the Essex engine, three-litre.
719
00:40:47,201 --> 00:40:50,921
The Capri was to Europe,
what the Mustang was to America.
720
00:40:51,001 --> 00:40:54,681
It meant that people
who had only hoped for a dreary saloon,
721
00:40:54,841 --> 00:40:57,281
could now own an exotic two-door.
722
00:40:57,441 --> 00:40:59,401
And for the same sort of money.
723
00:40:59,681 --> 00:41:00,721
Proper job.
724
00:41:10,321 --> 00:41:14,601
Suddenly, your saloon driver
got a proper array of instruments,
725
00:41:14,801 --> 00:41:18,561
hip-hugging seats and a bonnet
that stretched to the horizon.
726
00:41:19,721 --> 00:41:20,961
And this engine,
727
00:41:21,321 --> 00:41:24,361
it has the honest,
no-nonsense muscularity
728
00:41:24,441 --> 00:41:27,921
of a man who's spent 40 years
working in a foundry.
729
00:41:29,201 --> 00:41:31,521
You ask the owner of this
to lend you a stepladder,
730
00:41:31,601 --> 00:41:33,001
and he will.
731
00:41:33,721 --> 00:41:35,081
No problem.
732
00:41:35,761 --> 00:41:36,801
Mate.
733
00:41:40,681 --> 00:41:42,841
The three-litre Capri
is one of those cars
734
00:41:42,921 --> 00:41:44,681
that defined my youth.
735
00:41:44,761 --> 00:41:47,681
Yes, we all had posters
of Italian exotics,
736
00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:51,001
but the Capri we knew
was within reach.
737
00:41:51,281 --> 00:41:52,921
It gave us hope.
738
00:41:55,961 --> 00:41:59,041
Sadly, 20 years on,
all the hope had gone
739
00:41:59,121 --> 00:42:00,881
and they built this.
740
00:42:01,521 --> 00:42:03,281
The Escort Cosworth.
741
00:42:03,681 --> 00:42:07,121
A car Jeremy loved so much
that he bought two of them
742
00:42:08,321 --> 00:42:11,201
That's why I've arranged for him
to be otherwise occupied
743
00:42:11,281 --> 00:42:13,321
so I can tell you that it's rubbish.
744
00:42:18,081 --> 00:42:20,201
James, what is this?
745
00:42:22,081 --> 00:42:25,361
First off, it wasn't really an Escort,
it was a Sierra
746
00:42:25,561 --> 00:42:27,201
with a fake Escort body on it.
747
00:42:27,281 --> 00:42:28,561
But never mind that.
748
00:42:28,721 --> 00:42:32,681
The real problem is that it was
as rough as old boot.
749
00:42:34,241 --> 00:42:37,441
The early cars were fitted with
an oversized turbo-charger
750
00:42:37,521 --> 00:42:39,041
which made the power delivery
751
00:42:39,201 --> 00:42:43,641
as crass and unsubtle
as the owner's chat-up lines.
752
00:42:47,041 --> 00:42:50,441
So, Ford had a bit of a rethink
and fitted a smaller turbo-charger
753
00:42:50,521 --> 00:42:51,841
which was a great idea.
754
00:42:51,921 --> 00:42:56,161
But, that took the power down
from 227 horsepower
755
00:42:56,481 --> 00:42:58,161
to 217.
756
00:42:58,281 --> 00:43:00,321
Now that, of course,
meant it was slower.
757
00:43:00,401 --> 00:43:02,921
And that defeated the point
because the sort of person
758
00:43:03,001 --> 00:43:05,201
who owned an Escort Cossie
759
00:43:05,441 --> 00:43:09,041
could only really talk
about how fast the Escort Cossie was.
760
00:43:11,001 --> 00:43:12,041
It's just crass.
761
00:43:12,121 --> 00:43:15,401
If you drove this past
the famous Top Gear cock-o-meter
762
00:43:15,561 --> 00:43:19,001
the needle would just fly
right off the end of the scale.
763
00:43:20,601 --> 00:43:21,761
James!
764
00:43:23,321 --> 00:43:25,761
What I bet
he's failing to tell you in there,
765
00:43:25,841 --> 00:43:30,321
is that car was styled by the same man
who did the Aston Martin DB9.
766
00:43:31,041 --> 00:43:34,761
It's impossible to imagine
that Ford could do any worse than this.
767
00:43:34,841 --> 00:43:37,041
But, in 2005,
768
00:43:37,161 --> 00:43:38,241
they did.
769
00:43:40,881 --> 00:43:42,201
(REVVING)
770
00:43:44,241 --> 00:43:45,321
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
771
00:43:45,801 --> 00:43:47,201
The Ford GT.
772
00:43:54,201 --> 00:43:58,361
Now, the original car, the GT40,
that was a true great,
773
00:43:58,441 --> 00:44:02,801
a real working-class hero that whupped
the toffs' asses at Le Mans.
774
00:44:05,521 --> 00:44:08,361
More important than the first
Labour Party victory, really.
775
00:44:08,561 --> 00:44:10,921
But this later, "tribute band version",
776
00:44:11,001 --> 00:44:13,001
this is not a great.
777
00:44:13,081 --> 00:44:16,241
This is a chintzy, fatuous trinket
778
00:44:16,681 --> 00:44:18,921
for sad fantasists.
779
00:44:19,521 --> 00:44:20,561
Jeremy had one.
780
00:44:22,721 --> 00:44:26,041
The original GT40 was actually
quite a petite car.
781
00:44:26,121 --> 00:44:29,361
But this one, rather like
the people who bought it, to be honest,
782
00:44:29,441 --> 00:44:33,561
has become slovenly
and a bit broad in the beam.
783
00:44:33,721 --> 00:44:36,881
The result of that is you can't
really use it properly
784
00:44:36,961 --> 00:44:39,401
on the sort of road
where it ought to be fun like this one
785
00:44:39,481 --> 00:44:40,681
because it's just too wide.
786
00:44:43,481 --> 00:44:46,081
Whenever I see people in one of these,
I always think,
787
00:44:46,241 --> 00:44:47,321
"Get over it.
788
00:44:47,441 --> 00:44:50,641
"That's not a GT40.
You're not Steve McQueen.
789
00:44:50,721 --> 00:44:51,761
"You're not at Le Mans.
790
00:44:51,841 --> 00:44:53,281
"This isn't the '60s.
791
00:44:53,401 --> 00:44:56,241
"It's over. Let it drop. Please."
792
00:44:57,601 --> 00:45:00,001
At this point Jeremy managed to escape
793
00:45:00,201 --> 00:45:02,081
and had something to say.
794
00:45:06,641 --> 00:45:09,081
This is a Rolls-Royce Phantom,
795
00:45:09,561 --> 00:45:12,161
a car which demonstrates to the world
796
00:45:12,361 --> 00:45:16,561
that Rolls knows more than anyone else
about the four pillars of luxury.
797
00:45:16,641 --> 00:45:19,721
Space, light, comfort and quietness.
798
00:45:20,241 --> 00:45:23,041
It is a superb piece of engineering.
799
00:45:23,961 --> 00:45:27,161
However, in the past, things used to be
a little bit different.
800
00:45:33,801 --> 00:45:37,201
This is a 1972 Rolls-Royce Corniche,
801
00:45:37,521 --> 00:45:42,641
specifically, it's James May's
1972 Rolls-Royce Corniche.
802
00:45:42,961 --> 00:45:46,561
You can tell it's his partly because
it's the slowest car I've ever driven,
803
00:45:46,761 --> 00:45:48,561
partly because everything is absolutely
804
00:45:49,121 --> 00:45:50,521
spotless.
805
00:45:50,801 --> 00:45:52,441
Achoo! Sorry, James.
806
00:45:52,881 --> 00:45:55,481
And partly because he's in the boot.
807
00:45:55,561 --> 00:45:56,761
(GRUNTING)
808
00:45:57,361 --> 00:45:58,401
Ci!
809
00:45:58,881 --> 00:46:00,881
- Jeremy!
- (METALLIC THUDDING)
810
00:46:01,721 --> 00:46:05,681
The reason he's in the boot
is so I can explain without interruption
811
00:46:05,881 --> 00:46:08,921
why this is worthy of the treatment
we've lined up
812
00:46:09,001 --> 00:46:11,441
for the worst car in the world.
813
00:46:13,281 --> 00:46:17,281
Rolls-Royces used to be bought by people
you'd have round for dinner.
814
00:46:18,281 --> 00:46:22,641
But, by the time this came along,
the clever money had been replaced
815
00:46:22,841 --> 00:46:24,921
by a raft of television celebrities,
816
00:46:25,041 --> 00:46:27,001
many of whom were called "Jimmy".
817
00:46:27,201 --> 00:46:28,241
Jimmy Tarbuck.
818
00:46:29,561 --> 00:46:32,121
Jimmy Davidson, and of course,
more recently,
819
00:46:32,201 --> 00:46:33,281
Jimmy May.
820
00:46:33,521 --> 00:46:34,561
(THUDS)
Ow!
821
00:46:36,921 --> 00:46:38,881
JEREMY: There were
technical problems, too.
822
00:46:39,001 --> 00:46:40,961
Hydraulics controlled
the rear suspension,
823
00:46:41,041 --> 00:46:42,761
steering and the brakes.
824
00:46:42,961 --> 00:46:47,561
So, if there was one small problem,
the whole car stopped working.
825
00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:51,481
And of course, everything was handmade,
so replacement parts
826
00:46:51,681 --> 00:46:53,721
never quite fitted properly.
827
00:46:54,841 --> 00:46:57,441
Mercedes Benz invented the car.
828
00:46:57,601 --> 00:47:00,561
And ever since,
has made magnificent cars.
829
00:47:00,681 --> 00:47:04,321
This is a 280SL Pagoda, magnificent.
830
00:47:04,401 --> 00:47:06,801
This is a 450SLC.
831
00:47:06,881 --> 00:47:08,281
It's magnificent.
832
00:47:08,601 --> 00:47:11,041
But not all their cars
have been magnificent.
833
00:47:11,521 --> 00:47:12,641
Not at all.
834
00:47:25,961 --> 00:47:27,001
As I speak,
835
00:47:27,081 --> 00:47:32,761
Jeremy is out there in a 6.2-litre
AMG C63 black.
836
00:47:38,121 --> 00:47:40,481
Unfortunately, you can't hear
what he has to say about it
837
00:47:40,561 --> 00:47:42,681
because I've disconnected
his microphone.
838
00:47:42,801 --> 00:47:44,641
(INAUDIBLE)
839
00:47:44,721 --> 00:47:47,441
However, I can give you
a pretty good idea.
840
00:47:47,801 --> 00:47:48,881
I would imagine
841
00:47:49,081 --> 00:47:51,681
that he's currently talking
about the enormity
842
00:47:51,761 --> 00:47:52,841
of the differential.
843
00:47:54,441 --> 00:47:57,441
But neglecting to tell you
that it takes 15 minutes to warm up,
844
00:47:57,521 --> 00:47:58,961
it's so Victorian. So,
845
00:47:59,281 --> 00:48:01,921
until then, you can't turn left
or right at junctions.
846
00:48:13,281 --> 00:48:15,361
I would imagine just then as he was
going around and around
847
00:48:15,441 --> 00:48:17,201
in a cloud of smoke,
he would have been talking about
848
00:48:17,281 --> 00:48:19,561
how much torque the engine develops.
849
00:48:19,641 --> 00:48:21,081
(INAUDIBLE)
850
00:48:21,161 --> 00:48:23,241
And I can tell you how much it is.
It's too much.
851
00:48:23,521 --> 00:48:28,921
That's why, out on this track,
a set of tyres last for just 25 miles.
852
00:48:34,761 --> 00:48:37,721
What a colossal knuckle-draggers' car.
853
00:48:41,561 --> 00:48:45,681
And that isn't the worst AMG Mercedes.
854
00:48:45,921 --> 00:48:47,361
Oh, (CHUCKLES) no.
855
00:48:47,561 --> 00:48:48,561
Come with me.
856
00:48:54,001 --> 00:48:58,401
This is the Mercedes SLS,
a stupid car.
857
00:48:59,521 --> 00:49:01,361
(TYRES SCREECHING)
858
00:49:02,681 --> 00:49:06,521
This is the Mercedes SLS,
it's a stupid car,
859
00:49:06,601 --> 00:49:11,601
an ostentatious vulgarity for people
wracked with self-doubt.
860
00:49:13,521 --> 00:49:17,561
Though it has a 583 horsepower V8,
861
00:49:17,641 --> 00:49:20,001
which of course, is a marvellous thing,
nothing wrong with power.
862
00:49:20,081 --> 00:49:21,481
But power is only good...
863
00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:27,801
Power is only good
if you can actually use it.
864
00:49:27,881 --> 00:49:31,321
And in this car, the engine is merely
a very elaborate way
865
00:49:31,401 --> 00:49:34,121
of ridding the world of pesky tyres.
866
00:49:36,561 --> 00:49:38,161
I hardly touched it.
867
00:49:42,361 --> 00:49:44,921
What sort of a moron would buy a car
868
00:49:45,001 --> 00:49:48,881
as dreadful, as dreary, as a Fiat Panda.
869
00:49:49,041 --> 00:49:53,681
You'd have to be a woolly-headed oaf
with a wardrobe full of
870
00:49:54,001 --> 00:49:57,881
stupid stripy jumpers and idiotic
floral shirts,
871
00:49:57,961 --> 00:50:01,801
and at night you drone on and on
in front of your friends about
872
00:50:01,881 --> 00:50:04,961
gravity and maths and steam locomotives.
873
00:50:05,321 --> 00:50:08,881
And then you'd explain that
pencil sharpeners are interesting.
874
00:50:14,881 --> 00:50:16,281
Hang on a minute.
875
00:50:16,521 --> 00:50:20,721
James! There's been a bit
of an accident with your car.
876
00:50:22,961 --> 00:50:25,521
JEREMY: At this point
we decided to call a truce
877
00:50:25,641 --> 00:50:28,441
and stop simply insulting
each other's cars.
878
00:50:33,561 --> 00:50:35,401
So we found a local golf course
879
00:50:35,481 --> 00:50:38,841
and had a debate about which car
would be most fitting
880
00:50:38,961 --> 00:50:40,521
for our special treatment.
881
00:50:42,601 --> 00:50:43,601
Not bad.
882
00:50:49,761 --> 00:50:51,401
Have we talked about Fiat?
883
00:50:51,961 --> 00:50:52,961
Doblo.
884
00:50:53,401 --> 00:50:54,721
But I think the Doblo's good.
885
00:50:54,921 --> 00:50:55,921
Oh, come on.
886
00:50:56,001 --> 00:50:58,241
- No, but I know...
- It's as good as your jumper.
887
00:50:58,641 --> 00:51:01,041
But the Doblo isn't bad, isn't it?
It looks quite amusing.
888
00:51:01,121 --> 00:51:03,681
- It is bad, it's shocking...
- No, I'm not giving you the Doblo.
889
00:51:03,761 --> 00:51:05,841
- You're not having that for sure.
- Is it still me?
890
00:51:06,001 --> 00:51:07,001
Yes.
891
00:51:07,241 --> 00:51:10,561
Can I tell you something I've never
ever owned up to you before?
892
00:51:11,001 --> 00:51:13,081
But we all know, Jeremy
don't worry about it.
893
00:51:13,881 --> 00:51:15,241
I've never ever...
894
00:51:17,801 --> 00:51:20,801
I've never driven a Seat.
895
00:51:21,241 --> 00:51:22,241
I have.
896
00:51:22,961 --> 00:51:23,961
Are they rubbish?
897
00:51:25,401 --> 00:51:26,601
Well, they're dull.
898
00:51:26,681 --> 00:51:28,761
You know, they're just like cheap VW's.
899
00:51:29,361 --> 00:51:31,521
Could we include some of those old
British marques?
900
00:51:31,601 --> 00:51:32,721
What about...
901
00:51:32,921 --> 00:51:35,321
- Wolseley Hornet.
- Exactly, Triumph Mayflower.
902
00:51:35,401 --> 00:51:36,961
The Austin Healey 3000,
903
00:51:37,041 --> 00:51:39,001
which everybody thinks is wonderful,
but it's terrible.
904
00:51:39,201 --> 00:51:40,841
MG RV8.
905
00:51:41,281 --> 00:51:44,241
That was a hopeless, hopeless car,
906
00:51:44,441 --> 00:51:47,281
- fitted with a massive engine...
- And looked terrible.
907
00:51:51,321 --> 00:51:52,321
It's in the woods.
908
00:51:52,921 --> 00:51:54,041
Oh, James!
909
00:51:54,401 --> 00:51:55,721
- What?
- James?
910
00:51:56,001 --> 00:51:57,481
- What?
- May!
911
00:51:59,801 --> 00:52:02,081
- What?
- Rolls-Royce Camargue.
912
00:52:02,481 --> 00:52:03,681
No, I love it.
913
00:52:04,361 --> 00:52:05,361
What?
914
00:52:05,841 --> 00:52:08,601
- They were great, rode really well...
- They weren't great, they were shocking.
915
00:52:08,681 --> 00:52:09,921
Hurry up and hit your ball.
916
00:52:11,361 --> 00:52:13,281
What about the Vauxhall Vectra?
917
00:52:13,481 --> 00:52:14,601
No.
918
00:52:14,681 --> 00:52:17,601
I would rather have double pneumonia
919
00:52:18,961 --> 00:52:20,161
than a Vectra.
920
00:52:32,241 --> 00:52:33,241
What's the score?
921
00:52:34,321 --> 00:52:35,601
- About equal.
- Yeah.
922
00:52:36,961 --> 00:52:39,081
Well, we haven't really talked
about the Japanese.
923
00:52:39,401 --> 00:52:40,481
Hang on.
924
00:52:41,521 --> 00:52:44,281
I mean, the Japanese have made
a lot of dull cars, but...
925
00:52:44,361 --> 00:52:47,521
Right. Suzuki X90.
926
00:52:47,601 --> 00:52:50,081
Oh, very good. Very good.
927
00:52:50,161 --> 00:52:52,481
The one that looks exactly
the same going backwards...
928
00:52:52,561 --> 00:52:54,761
Yes, and had a bit taken out the middle.
929
00:52:55,081 --> 00:52:56,161
That's not bad.
930
00:53:00,481 --> 00:53:02,081
What about Toyota?
931
00:53:02,161 --> 00:53:04,201
I mean, what about the Corolla?
That's...
932
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,721
But it's not bad car, is it?
It's just boring.
933
00:53:06,801 --> 00:53:09,281
Yeah, boring. But, I tell you what.
934
00:53:10,721 --> 00:53:12,601
Toyota gives me an idea.
935
00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:21,121
JEREMY: This is a Lexus LFA.
936
00:53:24,841 --> 00:53:28,601
A car I've looked forward to driving
for about 12 years.
937
00:53:30,721 --> 00:53:32,321
So, is it disappointing?
938
00:53:33,441 --> 00:53:35,801
No, not even a little bit.
939
00:53:42,081 --> 00:53:43,441
How would you describe this?
940
00:53:44,081 --> 00:53:47,361
Well, it's tricky 'cause it's too wide
to be a sports car,
941
00:53:47,441 --> 00:53:51,081
it's too sort of raw to be a GT car.
942
00:53:51,161 --> 00:53:52,681
And the engine's in the front.
943
00:53:53,641 --> 00:53:55,681
So it isn't a supercar.
944
00:54:02,321 --> 00:54:04,801
The only thing it does remind me of
a bit is the Ferrari,
945
00:54:04,881 --> 00:54:06,881
the GTO, the 599 GTO.
946
00:54:06,961 --> 00:54:08,921
- What? Kato?
- Kato, yeah.
947
00:54:10,481 --> 00:54:12,001
JEREMY: They're both front engines.
948
00:54:12,081 --> 00:54:14,961
They both sort of road-going racers.
949
00:54:15,201 --> 00:54:19,641
And they both cost about £340,000.
950
00:54:20,241 --> 00:54:22,321
Although, the difference is,
this isn't trying to kill us.
951
00:54:22,881 --> 00:54:25,041
- (CLARKSON LAUGHS)
- With its car kung fu.
952
00:54:34,481 --> 00:54:37,681
No, the Ferrari is more mental
than this, more powerful than this.
953
00:54:37,881 --> 00:54:40,641
Driving one of those is like being
machine gunned.
954
00:54:40,721 --> 00:54:43,441
I mean, it's just starting now
to spit with rain.
955
00:54:43,521 --> 00:54:46,841
If I was in a GTO,
some poo would be coming out.
956
00:54:46,961 --> 00:54:48,121
But in this...
957
00:54:48,201 --> 00:54:50,441
More would be coming out of me,
in fairness.
958
00:54:50,521 --> 00:54:52,121
This is just brilliant.
959
00:55:00,641 --> 00:55:04,481
JEREMY: You certainly don't want to get
the LFA in a game of top trumps.
960
00:55:05,001 --> 00:55:10,001
The 4.8 litre V70 produces just
552 horsepower.
961
00:55:10,121 --> 00:55:13,801
Over a hundred less than the 599 GTO.
962
00:55:14,641 --> 00:55:18,841
It does 0-60 in a yawning 3.7 seconds.
963
00:55:20,001 --> 00:55:24,121
And the top speed is only just
on the right side of 200.
964
00:55:24,721 --> 00:55:28,481
It isn't even particularly striking
to look at.
965
00:55:28,761 --> 00:55:30,081
And yet...
966
00:55:33,881 --> 00:55:38,201
You know they took nine years
to design and develop this car.
967
00:55:38,281 --> 00:55:39,761
Nine years!
968
00:55:39,841 --> 00:55:42,121
JAMES: You know, it was actually ready
after five years.
969
00:55:42,201 --> 00:55:44,001
It was ready to go into production
and they suddenly said,
970
00:55:44,081 --> 00:55:45,961
"No, hang on, we don't want to
make it out of aluminium,
971
00:55:46,041 --> 00:55:48,481
"we want to make it out of carbon
fibre." And then they started again.
972
00:55:48,601 --> 00:55:50,121
They did, they went back to the
drawing board.
973
00:55:50,201 --> 00:55:52,601
Then there were endless laps
at the Nurburgring.
974
00:55:52,681 --> 00:55:53,681
Quite a mistake.
975
00:55:53,761 --> 00:55:57,201
There were endless tiny adjustments
to the steering,
976
00:55:57,281 --> 00:56:00,561
and the brakes and the exhaust,
until it was
977
00:56:01,281 --> 00:56:03,721
absolutely perfect.
978
00:56:12,561 --> 00:56:17,721
It actually feels like you're sitting
inside a machine.
979
00:56:20,321 --> 00:56:23,041
Lexus normally do everything they can
980
00:56:23,121 --> 00:56:25,561
to disguise that their cars
are machines.
981
00:56:26,481 --> 00:56:29,801
But in this, they are acknowledging,
celebrating,
982
00:56:29,881 --> 00:56:33,561
that you're being propelled by bits
of metal flying around.
983
00:56:36,721 --> 00:56:38,281
You know what this car feels like?
984
00:56:40,081 --> 00:56:41,361
A racing car.
985
00:56:41,721 --> 00:56:42,961
It really does.
986
00:56:43,481 --> 00:56:45,881
And sounds like one.
987
00:56:49,441 --> 00:56:50,441
Oh!
988
00:56:54,521 --> 00:56:56,721
It's bloody brilliant.
989
00:57:02,241 --> 00:57:05,641
JEREMY: It is a beautiful piece
of engineering, this.
990
00:57:05,961 --> 00:57:08,241
It has a single clutch, paddle shift
gear box
991
00:57:08,321 --> 00:57:11,161
because that gives a better
mechanical feel
992
00:57:11,241 --> 00:57:13,601
than a trendy double clutch system.
993
00:57:14,401 --> 00:57:17,961
And it has a transaxle,
for better weight distribution.
994
00:57:20,241 --> 00:57:22,521
I'll tell you what this is,
it's is an intelligent car
995
00:57:22,601 --> 00:57:24,521
made by intelligent people.
996
00:57:24,601 --> 00:57:26,561
It's actually highbrow.
997
00:57:28,601 --> 00:57:33,001
JEREMY: The trouble is there's one other
highbrow Japanese car on the market.
998
00:57:33,121 --> 00:57:34,641
The Nissan GTR.
999
00:57:35,561 --> 00:57:36,961
How much is one of those?
1000
00:57:37,881 --> 00:57:39,401
About 70,000.
1001
00:57:39,641 --> 00:57:41,561
And how much was this again?
1002
00:57:41,641 --> 00:57:43,241
340,000.
1003
00:57:44,041 --> 00:57:45,441
Right.
1004
00:57:46,721 --> 00:57:50,321
JEREMY: That really was the only bit
of lunacy with the LFA.
1005
00:57:50,401 --> 00:57:51,441
The price.
1006
00:57:51,521 --> 00:57:54,241
So, let's have a look now at a Toyota
1007
00:57:54,321 --> 00:57:57,361
that doesn't cost quite so much.
1008
00:58:03,041 --> 00:58:05,321
The brand new GT 86.
1009
00:58:06,001 --> 00:58:08,801
On paper it doesn't sound
very exciting at all.
1010
00:58:08,881 --> 00:58:13,641
It has a two-litre engine which
produces less than 200 horsepower.
1011
00:58:15,721 --> 00:58:19,321
And as a result, it has a top speed
from the 1980s
1012
00:58:19,401 --> 00:58:24,081
and the 0-60 time of a not particularly
dramatic animal.
1013
00:58:26,001 --> 00:58:30,641
So, it's not very fast and it doesn't
look very exciting either.
1014
00:58:31,881 --> 00:58:34,641
But do not be fooled by appearances
1015
00:58:34,721 --> 00:58:38,361
or the lowly £25,000 price tag
1016
00:58:38,441 --> 00:58:41,801
because this is one of the best cars
1017
00:58:41,881 --> 00:58:44,841
I have driven in ages.
1018
00:58:55,281 --> 00:58:59,681
The engine may be small
but it's a Subaru boxer unit.
1019
00:58:59,921 --> 00:59:02,641
So the centre of gravity is very low.
1020
00:59:03,041 --> 00:59:04,561
There's a proper snicky,
1021
00:59:05,281 --> 00:59:07,441
six-speed manual gearbox.
1022
00:59:08,241 --> 00:59:12,601
And joy of joys,
drive goes to the back.
1023
00:59:18,041 --> 00:59:20,801
And I haven't got to the master
stroke yet.
1024
00:59:22,081 --> 00:59:26,521
In recent years, car manufacturers
have been obsessed with grip.
1025
00:59:26,601 --> 00:59:29,561
How fast a car can go round a corner.
1026
00:59:29,761 --> 00:59:34,441
And that of course means fitting
low profile fat tyres.
1027
00:59:36,521 --> 00:59:39,761
With this though, Toyota have done
the exact opposite.
1028
00:59:41,161 --> 00:59:43,681
It is fitted with tyres from a Prius.
1029
00:59:43,761 --> 00:59:46,961
Skinny, ecological, not grippy at all.
1030
00:59:47,641 --> 00:59:49,721
And the results are dramatic.
1031
01:00:01,881 --> 01:00:03,241
Okay, turn in.
1032
01:00:03,601 --> 01:00:06,401
And immediately the back is sliding.
1033
01:00:12,161 --> 01:00:14,321
And you have all the lock in the world,
1034
01:00:15,561 --> 01:00:19,961
just enough power, to hold the slide
for as long as you like.
1035
01:00:22,521 --> 01:00:25,201
Or, until the tyres burst, anyway.
1036
01:00:25,281 --> 01:00:27,401
This is just fantastic.
1037
01:00:27,961 --> 01:00:30,161
(LAUGHING)
1038
01:00:30,481 --> 01:00:34,481
You can be Ken Block on every single
roundabout.
1039
01:00:34,961 --> 01:00:39,321
You can break traction without ever
breaking the speed limit.
1040
01:00:40,521 --> 01:00:42,841
I'm doing this at 20 miles an hour.
1041
01:00:46,961 --> 01:00:49,801
That would be legal
in a residential zone.
1042
01:00:50,761 --> 01:00:52,081
Probably.
1043
01:00:55,441 --> 01:00:58,601
Plainly then, this £25,000 Toyota
1044
01:00:58,681 --> 01:01:02,561
was designed by enthusiasts
for enthusiasts.
1045
01:01:03,641 --> 01:01:06,121
So, what on earth were they
thinking of
1046
01:01:07,561 --> 01:01:09,001
when they built this.
1047
01:01:16,961 --> 01:01:20,361
This is a Lexus SC 430.
1048
01:01:21,001 --> 01:01:22,201
Hideous, isn't it?
1049
01:01:23,601 --> 01:01:27,041
For inspiration, the stylists from
Japan and Europe
1050
01:01:27,321 --> 01:01:30,801
went to the Cote d'Azur to study the
architecture, the lifestyle
1051
01:01:30,881 --> 01:01:32,041
and the harbours.
1052
01:01:32,121 --> 01:01:34,881
Ah, well, that's what they told their
bosses they'd done.
1053
01:01:35,481 --> 01:01:37,361
So you're suggesting they went
on a holiday.
1054
01:01:37,681 --> 01:01:38,721
Well...
1055
01:01:39,281 --> 01:01:40,761
- (GROANS)
- Yes, certainly.
1056
01:01:40,841 --> 01:01:43,921
"We could go to south of France
and study things," Yeah, right.
1057
01:01:44,481 --> 01:01:46,401
They haven't drunk any beer
or wine at all.
1058
01:01:49,921 --> 01:01:54,681
They claim the 430 looks like
a south of France yacht.
1059
01:01:55,001 --> 01:01:56,521
But I'm not so sure.
1060
01:02:10,241 --> 01:02:13,361
One thing's for sure,
it is a lot more Buick Riviera,
1061
01:02:13,441 --> 01:02:15,281
than it is French Riviera.
1062
01:02:17,041 --> 01:02:22,761
Under the bonnet there's a 4.3 litre V8
which developed 300 horsepower.
1063
01:02:23,721 --> 01:02:26,681
That's about half what it needs.
1064
01:02:27,041 --> 01:02:31,761
Well, interestingly, the electric roof
takes 25 seconds to fold away.
1065
01:02:34,481 --> 01:02:37,921
Which is about twice as long
as it should.
1066
01:02:38,001 --> 01:02:41,041
Do you know they made the roof
out of aluminium to save weight?
1067
01:02:41,121 --> 01:02:44,081
Yeah, but why did they do that and then
put this wood in it,
1068
01:02:44,161 --> 01:02:46,481
because that's not light, is it?
1069
01:02:46,561 --> 01:02:48,001
No, no, it gets worse, watch.
1070
01:02:48,321 --> 01:02:51,201
Mmm...
More wood is on its way!
1071
01:02:51,761 --> 01:02:54,121
- What sort of wood is that?
- They claim it's maple.
1072
01:02:54,841 --> 01:02:57,481
- Is it?
- Is it?
1073
01:02:58,241 --> 01:03:01,841
JEREMY: Of course, you might forgive
all this stuff if it was nice to drive.
1074
01:03:02,761 --> 01:03:03,921
But it wasn't.
1075
01:03:04,961 --> 01:03:06,921
This half-timbered steering wheel
1076
01:03:07,001 --> 01:03:09,801
is about as communicative as
a half-timbered cottage.
1077
01:03:09,881 --> 01:03:13,321
You have no idea what the
front wheels are doing.
1078
01:03:13,401 --> 01:03:15,361
Yeah, but never mind that.
Have you felt the ride?
1079
01:03:17,081 --> 01:03:20,481
The ride in this thing
is absolutely diabolical.
1080
01:03:20,561 --> 01:03:22,521
This isn't a particularly bad road.
1081
01:03:22,601 --> 01:03:25,681
No, and look at us. We're bouncing
around all over the place.
1082
01:03:26,841 --> 01:03:30,561
Lexus trying to build a luxury
sports cruiser
1083
01:03:30,641 --> 01:03:33,281
in the mould of the Mercedes SL
1084
01:03:33,481 --> 01:03:37,201
is like us two designing a golf bat.
1085
01:03:37,321 --> 01:03:39,401
It just wouldn't be any good.
1086
01:03:39,601 --> 01:03:40,761
JAMES: There's only one word to describe
1087
01:03:40,841 --> 01:03:42,281
the sort of person who
would buy this car.
1088
01:03:42,361 --> 01:03:44,081
An American
1089
01:03:44,241 --> 01:03:48,121
Mmm...
More specifically an elderly American.
1090
01:03:48,441 --> 01:03:50,561
Because this was the last car ever made
1091
01:03:50,641 --> 01:03:52,841
to be fitted as standard
with a cassette player.
1092
01:03:53,321 --> 01:03:54,361
- Was it really?
- Hmm.
1093
01:03:54,681 --> 01:03:56,441
I didn't know that but I'm glad I do.
1094
01:03:56,641 --> 01:03:57,641
Says it all.
1095
01:03:58,521 --> 01:04:03,121
JAMES: This then is definitely
a contender for our special treatment.
1096
01:04:08,721 --> 01:04:12,281
This 35-year-old Peugeot
however, isn't.
1097
01:04:14,361 --> 01:04:17,041
This is a great Peugeot.
1098
01:04:17,241 --> 01:04:19,601
The 504 Estate.
1099
01:04:21,001 --> 01:04:23,001
It was built to conquer Africa.
1100
01:04:23,081 --> 01:04:27,001
It was as rugged and as dependable
as a Maasai warrior.
1101
01:04:29,041 --> 01:04:31,521
It was also quite a bit more practical
than a Maasai warrior,
1102
01:04:31,601 --> 01:04:34,041
so it conquered quite a bit
of urban Europe as well.
1103
01:04:34,921 --> 01:04:39,361
Later Peugeot stopped making
cars for Africa and came up with this.
1104
01:04:43,721 --> 01:04:46,521
A car for the complex at Croft.
1105
01:04:49,961 --> 01:04:53,161
I remember thinking back
in the late '70s
1106
01:04:53,241 --> 01:04:57,481
there would never be a hot hatchback
as good as a Golf GTI.
1107
01:04:58,681 --> 01:04:59,681
This was, though.
1108
01:05:08,361 --> 01:05:11,801
The expression "joie de vivre",
you're probably familiar with it.
1109
01:05:12,441 --> 01:05:15,401
It's French for Peugeot 205 GTI.
1110
01:05:18,281 --> 01:05:21,041
So if you were buying a Peugeot
you would expect
1111
01:05:21,121 --> 01:05:22,881
a blend of these qualities.
1112
01:05:23,001 --> 01:05:27,161
Toughness, ruggedness,
forged on the anvil of Africa.
1113
01:05:27,241 --> 01:05:30,081
And peppy, puppy dog enthusiasm.
1114
01:05:30,321 --> 01:05:31,961
But, no.
1115
01:05:33,961 --> 01:05:37,961
Today's Peugeots are a sea
of awfulness.
1116
01:05:40,841 --> 01:05:45,801
And rising to the top of this
cesspit of utter woefulness is this.
1117
01:05:46,041 --> 01:05:48,721
The Peugeot 308.
1118
01:05:50,121 --> 01:05:51,641
- Diesel.
- Diesel.
1119
01:05:51,801 --> 01:05:54,641
Let's unpack this pile of peu de chien,
actually.
1120
01:05:54,721 --> 01:05:56,121
We'll start with its face.
1121
01:05:56,641 --> 01:05:59,241
Because admittedly,
this isn't the biggest gob
1122
01:05:59,321 --> 01:06:00,761
we've seen on a Peugeot in recent years.
1123
01:06:00,841 --> 01:06:02,401
But it isn't small enough.
1124
01:06:02,481 --> 01:06:05,601
And it's like one of those
local councillor's faces.
1125
01:06:05,721 --> 01:06:09,161
Do you know what I mean?
Promising a lot, but delivering nothing.
1126
01:06:13,721 --> 01:06:17,601
The ride, for example, okay. It's quite
firm in an un-French sort of way,
1127
01:06:17,681 --> 01:06:20,921
and yet it handles like a
big bag of damp laundry.
1128
01:06:21,001 --> 01:06:23,121
It feels all weighty and turgid.
1129
01:06:23,201 --> 01:06:25,001
The controls feel turgid.
1130
01:06:26,401 --> 01:06:29,361
- But, James, if I may?
- You may.
1131
01:06:29,441 --> 01:06:33,001
The modern day Peugeot does provide
a valuable public service.
1132
01:06:33,881 --> 01:06:34,881
How does it?
1133
01:06:36,041 --> 01:06:39,441
Because in the '70s,
all bad drivers had Volvos.
1134
01:06:39,521 --> 01:06:41,081
So you saw a Volvo, you knew
1135
01:06:41,161 --> 01:06:43,121
it was being driven by someone
who couldn't drive very well.
1136
01:06:43,201 --> 01:06:45,961
And just because it was in the left lane
indicating left
1137
01:06:46,041 --> 01:06:48,761
didn't necessarily mean it was actually
going to turn left.
1138
01:06:48,841 --> 01:06:50,921
- Yes.
- Then Volvo started making good cars.
1139
01:06:51,001 --> 01:06:53,801
So the bad drivers migrated to Rover.
1140
01:06:53,881 --> 01:06:56,561
Then Rover went bust, so the people
who were buying Rovers
1141
01:06:56,641 --> 01:06:58,721
- are now in Peugeots.
- Yes.
1142
01:06:58,801 --> 01:07:00,881
So actually, they're quite useful.
1143
01:07:01,001 --> 01:07:03,081
I was teaching my daughter
to drive the other day.
1144
01:07:03,161 --> 01:07:04,401
And she went, "Now mirrors..."
I said, "Never mind
1145
01:07:04,481 --> 01:07:05,521
"mirror signal manoeuvre.
1146
01:07:05,601 --> 01:07:08,521
"The first thing you have to know
as a new driver is,
1147
01:07:08,681 --> 01:07:11,681
"see a Peugeot,
just cover the brake pedal."
1148
01:07:15,041 --> 01:07:17,961
JEREMY: We asked Yorkshire Stig
to test it for us.
1149
01:07:18,481 --> 01:07:20,641
And this was his response.
1150
01:07:33,641 --> 01:07:36,081
This car, then,
meets all of our criteria
1151
01:07:36,161 --> 01:07:38,921
for the title of
Worst Car in the World.
1152
01:07:39,081 --> 01:07:42,161
It's not very nice to drive,
it's not very nice to look at.
1153
01:07:42,361 --> 01:07:44,481
It doesn't appear to be very well made.
1154
01:07:44,641 --> 01:07:47,401
It's no cheaper than its vastly
superior rivals.
1155
01:07:47,481 --> 01:07:49,921
It's not very comfortable,
nor is it very fast.
1156
01:07:50,001 --> 01:07:53,241
It's made by a manufacturer that really
should know better.
1157
01:07:53,321 --> 01:07:57,481
It's lazy, it's slovenly,
it's unimaginative and we hate it.
1158
01:07:57,881 --> 01:08:02,481
But, James, do we hate it as much as
we hate this filthy, filthy Lexus?
1159
01:08:03,281 --> 01:08:04,881
Well, that's a slightly
ridiculous question.
1160
01:08:04,961 --> 01:08:06,961
It's like asking me which of your legs
I hate the most,
1161
01:08:07,041 --> 01:08:08,881
the left one or the right one.
1162
01:08:08,961 --> 01:08:11,001
We have to make our minds up.
1163
01:08:11,081 --> 01:08:13,841
JEREMY: Only one thing was for sure.
1164
01:08:15,081 --> 01:08:19,281
One of these cars was going to get
our special treatment.
1165
01:08:20,961 --> 01:08:22,601
So we're agreed.
1166
01:08:22,681 --> 01:08:23,681
Yes.
1167
01:08:24,121 --> 01:08:27,761
We're prepared to name
the worst car in the world ever.
1168
01:08:28,161 --> 01:08:31,921
The worst car in the world,
all things considered, ever, yes.
1169
01:08:32,041 --> 01:08:34,201
The car that we're going to...
1170
01:08:35,081 --> 01:08:37,001
- Yes.
- Yeah.
1171
01:08:38,681 --> 01:08:40,361
JEREMY: This then is what we think
1172
01:08:40,441 --> 01:08:43,481
is the worst car, all things considered,
of all time.
1173
01:08:46,681 --> 01:08:49,881
The Lexus SC 430.
1174
01:08:54,961 --> 01:08:57,081
And what we're going to do
is very simple.
1175
01:08:57,241 --> 01:09:00,201
We are going to give it to someone
who we think
1176
01:09:00,281 --> 01:09:02,081
will appreciate it very much.
1177
01:09:02,401 --> 01:09:05,441
That's right, we're on our way
to his house right now.
1178
01:09:16,321 --> 01:09:17,561
JEREMY: (WHISPERING)
This is it, isn't it?
1179
01:09:17,801 --> 01:09:19,201
(WHISPERING) That's the... That's it.
1180
01:09:19,681 --> 01:09:21,081
Shh!
1181
01:09:23,881 --> 01:09:24,881
Wait for it.
1182
01:09:28,241 --> 01:09:29,361
That'll stop burglars.
1183
01:09:29,761 --> 01:09:31,121
(BOTH SNICKERING)
1184
01:09:32,241 --> 01:09:34,281
JAMES: just go very gently over
the gravely drive.
1185
01:09:38,521 --> 01:09:40,521
JAMES: Shh!
Don't no big throttle.
1186
01:09:40,921 --> 01:09:42,361
Now just gently, gently.
1187
01:09:42,481 --> 01:09:44,081
(WHISPERING)
No, we don't want to wake him up.
1188
01:09:48,441 --> 01:09:49,641
He's going to love it.
1189
01:09:49,881 --> 01:09:51,961
I think he's going to love it,
just stop there, stop.
1190
01:09:53,881 --> 01:09:55,481
JAMES: Off, off, off, off.
1191
01:09:57,361 --> 01:09:59,521
- Don't slam the door.
- Shh.
1192
01:10:02,281 --> 01:10:03,281
So...
1193
01:10:03,921 --> 01:10:07,201
Who would live in a house like this?
1194
01:10:07,921 --> 01:10:11,361
Let's... Let's examine the evidence.
1195
01:10:13,001 --> 01:10:16,201
Well, we've got electric gates.
1196
01:10:16,441 --> 01:10:17,441
No...
(CLEARS THROAT)
1197
01:10:18,041 --> 01:10:21,081
- Hideous French-style water feature.
- Yes.
1198
01:10:22,841 --> 01:10:24,361
And a pillared porch.
1199
01:10:24,441 --> 01:10:27,001
Absolutely, and there's more
evidence still.
1200
01:10:27,561 --> 01:10:29,521
We know we're looking at a wealthy man.
1201
01:10:29,601 --> 01:10:30,801
- Definitely.
- But...
1202
01:10:30,881 --> 01:10:32,521
The American flag.
1203
01:10:32,681 --> 01:10:35,121
And over there unless I'm
very much mistaken,
1204
01:10:35,681 --> 01:10:37,121
that's a Ford Mustang.
1205
01:10:38,441 --> 01:10:40,921
Hang on, hang on. Look at these.
1206
01:10:41,841 --> 01:10:42,881
These are like...
1207
01:10:42,961 --> 01:10:47,001
These are like lions but somebody
has carved their own face in them.
1208
01:10:48,441 --> 01:10:52,881
Who on earth would carve their own face
into a stone lion?
1209
01:10:55,561 --> 01:10:57,001
(BOTH GIGGLING)
1210
01:10:57,121 --> 01:11:00,041
Plainly, somebody with incredibly
small feet.
1211
01:11:01,121 --> 01:11:03,401
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Look at that.
1212
01:11:04,681 --> 01:11:07,201
It's a size 5.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1213
01:11:07,841 --> 01:11:09,521
And that's the biggest one there.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1214
01:11:11,161 --> 01:11:15,281
Look, to be brutally honest, it's time
we put you out of your misery.
1215
01:11:15,521 --> 01:11:17,481
JAMES: Shh.
1216
01:11:18,801 --> 01:11:21,641
The person to whom we have bequeathed
1217
01:11:22,161 --> 01:11:25,441
the worst car in the world,
all things considered,
1218
01:11:26,241 --> 01:11:27,721
his name appears on,
1219
01:11:28,201 --> 01:11:31,641
the V5 document for the Lexus SC 430.
1220
01:11:32,201 --> 01:11:33,881
And here it is...
1221
01:11:33,961 --> 01:11:36,881
It's Mr Richard Hammond.
1222
01:11:37,161 --> 01:11:38,161
(BOTH GIGGLING)
1223
01:11:38,321 --> 01:11:40,561
Now listen, you pop that through
the letterbox, okay?
1224
01:11:40,641 --> 01:11:41,721
All right, okay.
1225
01:11:41,801 --> 01:11:44,281
'Cause all that remains for us to do now
1226
01:11:44,401 --> 01:11:48,601
is take away his Ford Mustang
in part exchange.
1227
01:11:50,641 --> 01:11:51,641
Have you got the key?
1228
01:11:52,321 --> 01:11:55,441
It's a '60s Ford,
you can start it with a teaspoon.
1229
01:11:55,681 --> 01:11:56,721
Get to work.
1230
01:11:59,921 --> 01:12:01,281
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
1231
01:12:01,361 --> 01:12:02,921
- Aha!
- Excellent!
1232
01:12:03,561 --> 01:12:05,001
Thank you for watching.
1233
01:12:05,361 --> 01:12:07,561
- Yes, goodbye.
- Good bye.
97712
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