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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:11,511
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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ESPN now returnsto our 30 for 30 documentary
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00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,705
on the Houston Astros cheating scandal.
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We knew the Astros
were stealing signals.
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Someone was back there
banging on a trash can.
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We just couldn't figure out who.
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00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,256
Several players were
interviewed by the league,
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00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:50,925
but none would reveal the mastermind
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of this garbage can scheme.
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Hey, everyone. I have some news.
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I got a job writing for
Quahog's top website, The Hog.
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Starting tomorrow,
I'm an online journalist.
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Isn't The Hog
that stupid pop culture site
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with those lame quizzes
telling you what character
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you are in a show?
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Peter's mad 'cause
he always gets Barney Rubble.
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If I were mad, would I laugh like this?
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I don't think so.
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Congratulations, Brian.
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Yeah, we're all very happy for you.
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Thanks. I'm really excited.
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And I totally nailed the interview.
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So, Brian, I got a great recommendation
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from your last employer.
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Yes, I worked for Mr. Skin
at five dollars a pun.
35
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You know, I came up with
Halle's Berries,
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Elle Fanny, Abigail Breastlin.
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You're really good
at sexualizing children.
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- I-Is that a problem?
- No, no, no.
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That's a big part of online journalism.
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Now, let's have a look
at your sample material.
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Well, I've got a listicle
of alcohol brands
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that are also guys' names.
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Whoa! Talk about
bursting out of the gates.
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Cardi B tweeted something
and I retweeted it
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with "This, this, this, this, this."
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Wow. That is some top-shelf journalism.
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And here's some pictures of cute animals
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that wives can shove
in their husbands' faces
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to keep them from ever going to sleep.
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Brian, stop. I can only hire you
so many times.
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Welcome to The Hog.
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I'll ask my roommate to move
his car so you can pull out.
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Cup of joe and a greasy roll, please.
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Okay, whatever this is,
I already hate it.
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Sorry, I'm up against
a deadline on a big story.
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Major ramifications.
Lid, prepare to be blown off.
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"Best butts to sniff at the park."
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I, um, I don't... I-I don't think
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this is an article for human readers.
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Now hold on there, Stewie,
just hear the man out.
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Thank you, Chris.
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I also posted a couple
of articles last night.
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Real think pieces.
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"Star Wars movies ranked best to worst
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except for the two I haven't seen."
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Well, that seems lazy.
And which two didn't you see?
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Uh, the original Star Wars
and The Empire Strikes Back.
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I'd still rather read that
than "9/11s since 2000
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"ranked best to worst.
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Number one may surprise you."
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September 11, 2014?
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We lost Richard Kiel,
the actor who portrayed Jaws
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in the James Bond films.
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All right, let's see what's on demand.
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Thank you for
watching Cox Cable On Demand.
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We have a lot of great movies,
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like Guy Ritchie's Snatch on Cox.
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All right...
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And we've got other great features.
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If you want to see
Carrie, Blow, Big, Shaft
81
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and the 2008 indie hit
Choke, you need Cox.
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Okay, I... I guess they're all movies.
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And if you're looking for comedy,
84
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,840
check out performers
Lewis Black, Andy Dick,
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- and Ed Lover...
- Peter, turn off the TV.
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All right.
Guess who just wrote ten facts
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you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
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Is one that he's Jewish?
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Guess who just wrote nine facts
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you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
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He likes classic cars?
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Guess who just wrote eight facts
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you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld.
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You probably said he was Jewish
a second time.
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All right, new article,
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"One Fact You Didn't Know
About Michael Richards."
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You can't use that word in an article.
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And I will find
a new show to write about.
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Hey, I'm working on a story
about fat guys
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belly-flopping onto cement.
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Will you put on these roller
skates and go clean the gutters?
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I'm not doing that.
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It might get retweeted by Joe Rogan.
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Ooh. I'll do anything Joe Rogan says.
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I think he's the best
dumb guy king we've ever had.
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When this story breaks,
it's gonna be big.
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Like when Horton heard The Who.
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♪ All right... ♪
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That's not singing,
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- it's just screaming.
- ♪ Yeah! ♪
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Okay, I have to write
an article on the life
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of the town's hero and brewery
founder, Pawtucket Pat.
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Now, where's the normal,
well-adjusted person
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who works in a small-town archive?
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Yes?
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I, uh... I'm-I'm looking
for some old manuscripts.
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Excellent. Bats, take me to him.
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Okay, this is everything
they have on Pat.
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God, I bet no one's even read
most of this stuff before.
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Huh, what's this?
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Some kind of leather-bound book
sealed with wax.
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Wow. I think it's his diary.
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See? Men can too have diaries.
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Yeah, his cover
doesn't have sparkles, champ.
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First page. "Dad, don't read this."
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Second page. "Seriously, Dad,
don't read this."
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Third page. "Dad, what are you doing?
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Don't read this."
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Fourth page. "I kissed my sister."
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Okay, let's flip ahead.
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Oh, my God.
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- What?
- He says that he didn't create
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his recipe for beer.
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He stole it from some Native Americans
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and killed them to keep his secret,
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and then he kissed his sister again.
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What? That's insane.
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Pawtucket Pat is the most
revered person in Quahog.
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Not anymore. This is a big story.
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Can you believe it? It's like
we're Woodward and Berenstain.
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Follow the honey.
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What the hell?
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Hey, hey. What are you guys doing?
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Why are you so upset about Pat?
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Pawtucket Pat was a phony!
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I remember you.
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But no, he isn't. He's a hero.
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Not anymore. He's a racist murderer
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and this statue should be torn down.
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God, there's a lot wrong with this,
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but you can't tear this down.
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Pat's an icon.
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That statue belongs
right here in the park,
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next to the statue
of Quahog's greatest missionary,
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Father Touchboys.
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That statue was removed a year ago.
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For what?!
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Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
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Our top story: the revelations
about local hero Pawtucket Pat
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continue to rock Quahog.
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The town is divided
over whether his statue
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should remain in the park.
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Even the pigeons who poop on it
are in a moral quandary.
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So, what do you two think of
the statue being on public land?
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- Coo.
- Not coo.
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My friend is the mailman.
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I'm gonna give him a heart attack.
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Good job, Brian. Your work
has actually made an impact.
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Thanks, Stewie. I think everybody's
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gonna be happy about this.
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Where do you get off?!
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In my bedroom, mostly.
Sometimes the bathroom.
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Or wherever I see
a lady seal an envelope.
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Good, good. I am glad
we can talk frankly about sex.
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And Brian, how dare you try to take down
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the statue of Pawtucket Pat?
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Oh, my God. You don't actually support
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keeping it there, do you?
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Of course I do.
It's been there my whole life.
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And I am gonna do whatever
it takes to keep it up.
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Finally, Peter cares
about keeping something up.
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Lois, will you stifle yourself?
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Yesterday, Meg sat there without pants.
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Yuck. Brian, Pat is a hero.
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H-He practically built Quahog.
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And his statue is part of the town.
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And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let
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some draft-dodging liberals
tear it down.
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- We don't have a draft.
- Well, then,
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00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,658
who shaved my head
and yelled at me for two months?
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00:08:12,659 --> 00:08:15,369
Peter, we've been over this.
That was the Heaven's Gate cult.
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00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:17,162
Oh, right, that-that thing
with the shoes.
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Yeah, o-once I got the shoes, I split.
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The statue has got to go.
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Brian, for years, it's been a tradition
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that every boy, when he turns 16,
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has to kiss the statue's crotch
while his friends take pictures.
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That's not a tradition.
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00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,678
Ah, then I think
some fun was had at my expense.
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00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,389
Peter, we can't leave a symbol
like that in the town square.
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00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,266
Pawtucket Pat was a horrible racist.
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00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,393
Well, so is Tucker Carlson,
but we still say hi to him
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00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:40,769
at the company picnic.
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00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,730
Brian, if you apply the values of today
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00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:44,857
to people who lived almost 300 year ago,
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00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,109
uh, doesn't that mean we'd have
to take down the statues
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00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,652
of pretty much everyone?
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00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,612
I-I mean, where do you draw the line?
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00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,990
Wait a minute, y-you don't agree
with Peter, do you?
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00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,242
I don't know. I-I'm uncomfortable
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00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:57,703
with a racist statue being smack
in the middle of Quahog,
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00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:01,832
but as a woman, I need landmarks
to find my way around town.
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00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:05,169
I mean, without that statue,
I'm completely disoriented.
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00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:08,423
Okay, if anyone needs me,
I'll be in the kitchen.
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00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,092
Damn it, who moved the lamp?
216
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,678
Well, what does the rest
of the family think? Chris?
217
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,639
- Ha! You got sunflowered.
- What?
218
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,392
When a Gen Z kid
wants out of a conversation,
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00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,728
he leaves a large sunflower
in his place.
220
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,271
That's ridiculous. There is no way
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00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,814
that children regularly disappear
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00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,025
and then replace themselves
with sunflowers
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00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,401
just to express their boredom.
224
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,446
Ha. You got sunflowered again.
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00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,781
Why are you back?
226
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,824
We only have one sunflower.
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00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:38,702
Okay, I-I clearly don't
understand your generation,
228
00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:40,954
but Meg, you're currently
taking world history.
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00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,831
What do you think
should happen to the statue?
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00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,418
I don't care. I'm an agent of chaos.
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00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,087
Ow! Well, screw you guys.
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00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,840
Pawtucket Pat is a hero.
That statue ain't going nowhere.
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00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,802
It's a part of history.
Just like Catherine the Great.
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00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:56,887
My great people of Russia.
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00:09:56,888 --> 00:10:01,433
As your empress, my legacy shall
be expanding Russia's borders,
236
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,727
growing her armies, building palaces
237
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,313
that will be admired for centuries...
238
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,941
We heard you had sex with a horse!
239
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:13,320
I have created alliances with
the great powers of Europe...
240
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,527
What about the horse sex?
241
00:10:15,528 --> 00:10:17,199
There is no horse sex!
242
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:19,076
Is this guy bothering you, Cathy?
243
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,495
I can handle this.
244
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:27,292
Hey guys, I got you all "Keep
Up the Statue" hats, or "KUTS."
245
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,712
Kuts? Isn't that the lady's
hairdresser down the street?
246
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,258
Why don't you tell me?
247
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,302
Peter, I'm not wearing a Kuts hat.
248
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:38,846
Come on, if I refer three friends,
249
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,139
I get a free blowout.
250
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,723
Tell them Mary Sparkles sent you.
251
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:44,144
But never call me that
in front of my family.
252
00:10:45,589 --> 00:10:47,479
Where was this place, again?
253
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,482
Peter, anybody who supports
that statue is a racist.
254
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:53,318
Racist? How can a 300-pound white guy
255
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,737
who looks at black porn be racist?
256
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,573
Here, Peter. You were sent a beer
257
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,324
by that table of businessmen.
258
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,201
- Which table?
- No, no. No, no. Don't look.
259
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:03,370
Make them come to you.
260
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,665
You guys haven't read my book, have you?
261
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,262
- Peter, they're leaving.
- They'll come.
262
00:11:12,263 --> 00:11:13,918
They're getting in their vehicle.
263
00:11:13,919 --> 00:11:15,698
They're pulling into the
street without looking.
264
00:11:15,699 --> 00:11:18,260
Oh, no, they've been hit by a bus!
265
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,220
They'll come. I followed the rules.
266
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,556
Peter, they can't come. They're dead.
267
00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:25,309
That was the day I lost my sparkle.
268
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,854
I was just Mary after that.
269
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,650
Excuse me, would you sign
this petition demanding
270
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,068
that the city take down the...
271
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:36,528
Take down the what?
272
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,655
- Uh, nothing.
- Good.
273
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:40,949
Hey, could you do me a favor
and elbow-wipe
274
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:44,036
74 years of pigeon (BLEEP)
off my shoulders?
275
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,663
Uh, okay.
276
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,415
Who are you, anyway?
277
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,709
I'm Rhode Island founder Roger Williams,
278
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,545
otherwise known as the end
of the worst field trip
279
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,547
in elementary school history.
280
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,550
It's true.
The kids are very disappointed.
281
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:03,222
Oh, yeah, "And Wife" is totally
getting' them jazzed.
282
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:07,060
Move, Brian, you're in my spot.
283
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,687
You're Mrs. Groceries?
284
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,689
She touched the manager over the pants.
285
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,234
Love her or hate her, she plays to win.
286
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,777
- Anyway, how's it going?
- Not good.
287
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,026
I'm not getting any signatures
on this petition.
288
00:12:19,027 --> 00:12:21,113
Really? It looks like
you've got quite a few.
289
00:12:21,114 --> 00:12:23,283
Oh, mostly they just say,
"Brian is gay."
290
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:25,619
Yeah, I have to be careful.
If 200 people write it,
291
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:28,038
- it goes on the ballot.
- Well, at least you're trying.
292
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,396
I mean, what is Peter doing
to drum up support for his side?
293
00:12:30,397 --> 00:12:31,792
Ladies and gentlemen,
294
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:35,588
to support Pawtucket Pat,
please welcome Kid Rock.
295
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,716
Hello, Quahog.
296
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,704
Whenever there's a town debate
with racial overtones,
297
00:12:42,705 --> 00:12:45,555
I'm there on the wrong side.
298
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,016
Aw, crap, everybody run.
It's Adult Rock.
299
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,269
Kid, you want to tell me why
I found your mother's
300
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:53,272
best T-shirt-cutting scissors
outside in the rain?
301
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,148
I don't know.
302
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:58,152
Why can't you be more
like your brother, The?
303
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:04,700
Rupert, I was going over
our credit card statement.
304
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:07,828
There's a charge for two tickets
to Tootsie the musical,
305
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:11,665
yet I don't remember going
to see Tootsie the musical.
306
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:15,669
Now, I'm hoping the good news
is I'm ruining the surprise.
307
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,713
God, I can't believe
Peter is actually winning
308
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,715
public support for that damn statue.
309
00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,466
And he's throwing rocks
through my window,
310
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:22,676
and it's his house.
311
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,596
Ugh, that rock was too heavy.
312
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,237
Got to find something lighter.
313
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,310
Okay, so something in between.
314
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,145
That statue is such a disgrace.
315
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,855
I'll tell you,
part of me wants to march down
316
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,773
to that park and remove it myself.
317
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:39,026
Well, why don't you?
It'd be a noble act.
318
00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:40,861
Think of it as civil disobedience.
319
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,988
Disobedience? But I'm a good boy.
320
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,741
I obey. I always obey.
I'm a good boy who obeys.
321
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,492
Okay, d-don't think
of it as disobedience,
322
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,202
Forget I used that word.
323
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,912
You're a weird guy, Bri.
324
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:52,373
A weird doggy guy.
325
00:13:53,004 --> 00:13:55,459
Ha! Found some medium rocks.
326
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,294
You know what? That's a great idea.
327
00:13:57,295 --> 00:14:00,505
Like not separating immigrant
children from their families.
328
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,595
If you're the first one
to stop applauding,
329
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,180
that means you're racist.
330
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:18,815
Thanks for helping me, Stewie.
331
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,192
All right, let's tie the rope
around the statue
332
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,568
and tow it out of here.
333
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,111
All right, great. But before we begin,
334
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,030
I'm just going to use the park bathroom
335
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,491
- at night.
- Stewie, no.
336
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,371
I got a lollipop!
337
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,292
That's great, bud.
338
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:46,417
Now let's stop talking about
that lollipop and get to work.
339
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:53,100
Okay, we're almost ready to do this.
340
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,267
Did you bring the masks?
341
00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:56,186
- Right here.
- What the hell is this?
342
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,813
You said to bring masks.
343
00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:00,148
These are from last year's
charity ball at the Guggenheim.
344
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:02,484
Whatever. Just help me
tie this rope to the car.
345
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:04,694
Sorry, I need a free hand
to hold up my mask.
346
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,656
Enough with the damn masks!
347
00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,665
All right, let's get this statue
out of here.
348
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:32,889
I guess you only paid
for driver's side airbags.
349
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:36,269
Yeah. When I bought this, I was
dating a girl I didn't like.
350
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,943
Wow, look at this.
351
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,195
The statue's disappearance
is being covered everywhere.
352
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,822
I can't believe we really did it.
353
00:15:48,823 --> 00:15:51,091
- I just hope we don't get caught.
- So what?
354
00:15:51,092 --> 00:15:53,603
Mom would just ground us
and take away screen time,
355
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:56,163
and then realize that without
screens, she has to entertain us
356
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,664
and immediately give it back.
357
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,875
Stewie, destroying a statue is a felony.
358
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:01,626
If we're caught, we'll go to prison.
359
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,378
Prison?! I can't go to prison.
360
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,006
Peter watched all six seasons of Oz
361
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,549
with me in a Babybjörn.
362
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:10,760
I'm too young to have
someone go poo on my face.
363
00:16:10,761 --> 00:16:14,265
Well, there's really
no good age for it to happen.
364
00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:20,520
All right, Stewie, just relax.
365
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,606
And don't do that weird,
nervous laugh you do
366
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,274
- when you're hiding something.
- Got it.
367
00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:27,736
- Morning, everybody.
- Where have you guys been?
368
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,530
No-Nowhere, of course!
369
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,450
Will you calm down?
So, uh, where's Peter?
370
00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:36,453
Uh, he went to some rally
'cause the statue's gone.
371
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:40,369
He's angrier than Al Pacino's
forehead liver spots.
372
00:16:40,370 --> 00:16:42,709
Comb your hair down instead of up.
373
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:44,794
Give us some shade. We're dying up here.
374
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,546
Yeah, what do you call that haircut?
375
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,089
You're nearly 80 years old.
376
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,966
You look like the kid
from Jerry Maguire.
377
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,802
What are you going for
with all of these spots?
378
00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:55,388
I want to look like mashed potatoes,
379
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,557
with the skins on.
380
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,615
This is awesome. What a turnout.
381
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,408
And look, here comes Fox News.
382
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,999
It's amazing how recently
that show aired.
383
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,167
That statue was a travesty
and so is the brewery.
384
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:26,193
They should close it
and make juice instead.
385
00:17:26,194 --> 00:17:27,879
What? How dare you?
386
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,509
Juice will not replace us.
387
00:17:29,510 --> 00:17:31,675
Juice will not replace us!
388
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,510
Juice will not replace us!
389
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:35,053
My God, Peter, what are you doing?
390
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,929
Taking up politics
to avoid intimacy with my wife.
391
00:17:37,930 --> 00:17:39,766
Peter, is that you?
392
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,102
I thought we could protest together.
393
00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:45,063
All right, no more politics.
Time for trains in the basement.
394
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,729
- Stop!
- Collaborate and listen.
395
00:17:47,730 --> 00:17:49,776
We are from the Narragansett tribe,
396
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:52,988
from whom Pawtucket Pat
stole his recipe.
397
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:57,117
And we are annoyed that no one
has asked us what we think.
398
00:17:57,118 --> 00:18:00,036
You guys kind of dress
like weekend Jay Leno.
399
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:04,165
Thank you. We've just come
from the Wang-Holder wedding.
400
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,458
See?
401
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:07,127
Little more of that, John Oliver,
402
00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:09,462
and maybe you'll finally
get that 14th Emmy.
403
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,006
Well, what do you guys think?
404
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,759
This statue is only the tip
of the iceberg.
405
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,928
The pressing issue isn't
what someone did 300 years ago,
406
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,180
it's how do we help
Native Americans today
407
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,976
and end the institutional racism
that still plagues society?
408
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,478
The poverty rate on reservations...
409
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,269
Oh, damn, you got sunflowered.
410
00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:29,608
Everyone, come back.
411
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,776
Uh, come back. He makes a good point.
412
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:35,280
We've all been so focused
on what the statue means to us
413
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,781
we didn't even stop to consider
414
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,829
how Pawtucket Pat affected others.
415
00:18:38,830 --> 00:18:40,702
But Pat's the town hero.
416
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:43,369
If he's nothing, then so is Quahog.
417
00:18:43,370 --> 00:18:45,957
No, it's not.
418
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,918
Quahog is still a wonderful town.
419
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,421
I-I mean, we still got
one of those Arby's signs.
420
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:54,299
You know? T-The old ones,
you know, with the big old hat?
421
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,198
That's been gone for ten years.
422
00:18:56,199 --> 00:18:58,599
Oh, (BLEEP) this place.
423
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,347
No, no, you know what? No.
424
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,140
Quahog is a wonderful town,
425
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:06,009
because of who we are and what we do,
426
00:19:06,010 --> 00:19:09,481
not because of some guy
who stole beer 300 years ago.
427
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,650
Especially when he did horrible things
428
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,689
to some of our fellow citizens.
429
00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:16,076
Yeah, I guess you're right.
430
00:19:16,077 --> 00:19:17,609
Thank you, Peter.
431
00:19:17,610 --> 00:19:19,324
Now, crowd of angry whites,
432
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:23,119
I think we all owe our Native
American friends an apology.
433
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,579
Sorry.
434
00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:26,373
Angry whites.
435
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,750
- Sorry!
- That's better.
436
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:31,670
Well, Brian, I guess
I owe you an apology, too.
437
00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,463
You were right from the start.
438
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:35,215
Sorry things got so heated between us
439
00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:37,217
and that I took a dump in your dog food.
440
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:40,099
- Wait, what?
- I know. Politics, huh?
441
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:43,520
- Come on everybody, let's go home.
- I'll drive.
442
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,479
Where the hell are we?
443
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,696
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
444
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,156
Our top story:
the statue of Pawtucket Pat
445
00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,534
was found earlier today
in the Quahog River.
446
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,994
In the spirit of compromise,
the town has decided
447
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,580
that it will be
relocated to the Quahog Museum,
448
00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:09,124
where it will be both remembered
449
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,292
and never seen by anyone ever again.
450
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:14,212
Well, thank God this whole
controversy is behind us.
451
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,756
Yeah. And Peter, I'm glad
you came to your senses.
452
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,884
Me, too. You know, we might
even win an award for this.
453
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,053
- Really?
- Yeah, award voters love it
454
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,722
when someone
with a right-leaning viewpoint
455
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,140
admits they're wrong.
456
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,641
They declare it's good storytelling
457
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,017
and character development.
458
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:30,061
Ooh, like Three Billboards.
459
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,147
- And Green Book.- Driving Miss Daisy.
460
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,898
American History X.
461
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:35,734
Yeah, all those. And many more.
462
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:39,175
But can anyone name a single
movie where someone on the left
463
00:20:39,176 --> 00:20:41,608
took on a more
Republican-leaning viewpoint?
464
00:20:42,820 --> 00:20:44,576
Doesn't even have to have won an award.
465
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:46,275
Just has to exist.
466
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,996
Anyone?
467
00:20:49,997 --> 00:20:51,482
Anything?
468
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:55,754
What about Fritz Lang's Metropolis?
469
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,046
How'd you get here?
470
00:20:57,047 --> 00:21:00,341
Mm, in my Hyundai Sonata.
36584
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