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[school bell rings]

- Hey, did you pass
that math test?

- No.

I didn't even know there
was one until yesterday.

- That's 'cause
you're never here.

- It's not my fault.

This place isn't giving
me enough days here.

- It's not a job, you're
supposed to be here

five days a week.
- Yeah, whatever.

Dude, Mr. Walsh
has it out for me.

He's always telling me

how I don't live up
to my full potential

and that I am a slacker.

I mean, me?

- Yeah, he's clearly an asshole.

- Whatever.

- What about you?

You watch more porn
than anybody I know.

- Mm, very true, but I
don't spend all my time

getting high like Stoney
Stonerson over here.

- Aren't you worried about,
like, overdoing it a little?

- Mm, what I do is
I drink half of this

and then half of this.

One keeps me buzzed, the
other keeps me cranked.

- Very clever.
- I know, right?

- [Ryan] It's genius.

- Should market it,
go on "Shark Tank."

- Guys, come on.

- Oh, well, sorry, bro.

We can't all afford the
nice things like you can.

- Guys, we're about to graduate.

We don't have any real plans.

I mean, I can't get by
on my money forever,

even though my dad just bought
me this sweet fucking watch.

- You know, you're right.

This school has been
screwing us over for years

and now they're gonna
kick us to the curb?

- I mean, guys, let's be honest,

what are we gonna do if
we don't get into college?

All right, we're not gonna
have any credentials,

don't have any rep.

- What do you mean?

- It means we can't get girls.

- [Ryan] Oh.

- Shit.

[Steven sighs]

- We should get that journalism
scholarship at college.

- It's worth a shot.

- Worst case scenario,
we could just get jobs.

- Telling you, don't even
joke about that, all right?

It's way too early for that.

- Let's just take it easy and
have a nice day at school.

- Yeah.
- All right, yeah.

Looks good.

[cans clattering]

Oh, my god.

- [Ryan] They're
just full of it, man.

They're fucking full of it.

- D cups.

- D cups?
- I mean, I wish

it was bigger, but--
- I like G cups.

- G cups is one way, man--
- What do you think?

- [Ryan] I like dick.

- I mean, the whole
point of this class

was for it to be an easy class.

- [Boy] Excuse me,
excuse me, excuse me.

- I mean, look on
the bright side,

we get permission to film
these girls whenever we want.

- Even freshmen girls?

- [Kevin] They're
the easiest ones.

- [Ryan] What about
the dudes, though?

- So how do you tell
if a girl smokes weed?

- Puffy eyes.

- Big, strong fingers,
from rolling blunts.

- Big fingers?
- Mm.

- What if she's high
strung all the time,

like hyper all the time?

- Well, if they're
hyper, it might be

just 'cause they wanna
leave and smoke, you know?

- What if she's fat?

I mean, does that mean she
has the munchies all the time?

- I mean, who knows, really?

- I have no idea anymore.

I just don't know.

Let's ask Christy.

- Christy.

- Christy.
- Christy.

- Christy, Christy.
- Christy, Christy.

Hey, Christy.

- Hey, Christy, can
we ask you something?

- Sure.

- [Steven] Do you smoke weed?

- And if so, you got any?

- You guys have nothing
else to think about?

- We're just thinking, you
know, this day and age,

who smokes weed and who doesn't?

- And do hot girls do
it as much as guys?

- I try to focus on my
schoolwork and volleyball.

I don't spend my
time getting high

with delinquents like you guys.

- I'm sorry, didn't you
date a Latin King member?

- That's just a rumor.

Fernando worked at J-Mart.

- J-Mart? Was that his cover?

- I was very happy.

We used to live together.

- Yeah, in the ghetto.

Doesn't he have, like, 30
relatives living in that house?

- It's a little cramped, that's
why we bought protection.

- Well, 30 relatives,

you would think they
don't wear a condom.

- I was talking
about a gun, genius.

- Whoa, you with a gun?

What's this world coming to?

- All right, all
right, all right.

Everybody, eyes up here.

First morning announcement,

the broadcast journalism
scholarship submissions,

you have a few weeks left,

unless you plan on going to
state next year, in which case,

you've got to get them in
by the end of the week.

- You guys, this is perfect.

It's a great opportunity
to showcase our work.

- Second morning announcement,

who put the men's cheerleading
uniforms in the dryers?

'Cause when they
pulled them out,

they were covered
in used tampons.

- [Girl] Ew.

- Now, when you say used?
- Blood.

They were covered in blood.

- Well, blood, makes sense.

- I guess whoever did it thought
it would be a funny joke.

- 'Cause, you know, male
cheerleaders, tampons?

- Oh, 'cause they're pussies.

[Ryan laughs]

- Ha ha ha, no.

Guys, I like a good joke,

but something like that,
it's just not funny.

- Right.

- Unless you put it on Snapchat.

[Steven laughs]
Am I right?

Am I right?
- Next time.

Do it next time.

Everyone's so sensitive
nowadays, anyways.

- Well, you know, you
did make them cry, so.

- Hey, last morning
announcement,

we have some new
transfer students.

First, we have Daniel.

Everybody say hi to Daniel.

- [Boy] Daniel!

- Daniel.
- What up, big D?!

- All right, Daniel, you go
have a seat right over there.

Now, we also have,

coming in from a charter
school, Holly Marie.

[boy whistles]
Everybody say hi to Holly.

- [Students] Hi, Holly.

- Now, Holly, we don't
really care too much

about the dress code here,

so, you know, feel free to do
whatever you want with that.

Now, everybody, I'm
gonna break you off

into your groups now.

Projects are due, and we
gotta get those in, okay?

So finish them up
pronto, ASAP, right?

- Oh, shit, maybe the
girls can join our group.

- Daniel, get the
fuck outta here.

- Okay, now, Holly,
I'm gonna have you

sit over here by me
normally, but for right now,

I'm gonna have you work
with Christy's group.

Okay?

And, Daniel, you
work with those guys.

- Fuck!

- Nice try, guys.

[bumbling music]

- Look, Mr. Grossman, maybe
you can cut us some slack.

You know, it's only the
middle of the school year.

- Cut you some slack?

- Well, yeah, you
know, I'm going through

a tough time right now.

- You still live at home, right?

You don't pay bills.

- Okay, well, I don't see

what that has to do with--
- And you don't have a job.

- What's your point?

- Are you 18?

- Yeah.

- Hear that, everybody?

This guy's 18 years old
and doesn't have a job.

- Well, you don't have
to air out my shit

in public like that.

Wish I did have a job.

- Look, just finish
your project, all right?

I'm gonna give
you a free period.

Just go talk to Jillian,
she's the project leader.

- Jillian's the project leader?

She's a moron.

- She's not a moron, she's just
going through a tough time.

She tried to commit suicide.

- Commit suicide?

She fell asleep in the
garage with the door closed.

- Carbon monoxide poisoning.

- She drives a Prius,
it's an electric car.

- I don't know what's
going through her head.

I mean, she didn't even
leave a suicide note.

- She didn't leave
a suicide note?

- No.

Who knows what someone like
that's thinking, right?

- Would it have killed
her to leave a note?

- Hey.

That's not PC.

Sensitivity, huh?

- Okay, guys, ideas.

- How about how jobs
discriminate against tattoos?

- Oh, not another one of
your tattoo rambles again.

- They're tribal, bro.

- What tribe are you from?

- Hey, guys, good
to see everyone!

My doctor said that my new
medicine is working wonders.

- Okay, crazy.

- I'm really excited
to be team leader.

You guys will not regret this!

- Hey, are your nerves,
like, still acting up?

- Only when I pee or blink.

When I pee, I just find a
spot on the wall and focus.

[Ryan sighs]

- There's only one cure
for that, it's weed.

You want some?

- Part of my new outlook in life

is making smarter decisions.

- That's good to hear.

- Yeah, maybe a smart decision

would've been to use a
diesel engine, right?

- What?
- Okay, come on, guys, ideas.

- Here's an idea for you,
how about dipshit teachers?

Won't even give us the
new girl on our team.

- Well, sir, I know I'm
the new guy and all,

but I'm really looking forward
to winning this scholarship.

I'm an excellent student

and I'm training to be
a pastor at my church.

- Oh, my god, you're
making this worse.

- Why, are you mad?

- Daniel, do you
wear a G-string?

- No.

- Well, then you can
understand my anger, can't you?

- G-strings are my favorite,
especially on Michelle Forsch.

- Wait a second,
did you say church?

That can be a good angle.

- Why?

- We can do our
video project on it.

You know, show the social
impact churches have on society.

- Like all the good they do,

because my father's a
reverend and I can--

- No, I'm talking about how
much of a scam it all is.

- You know what,
it's a good idea.

Let's go to the cafeteria,
we have a free period,

they're handing out
cookies at the blood drive.

- I think we should
stay here and work.

- Did you say blood drive?

- [Steven] Mm-hm.

- That's another great angle.

You know, we go,
pretend to give blood,

instead we're just
picking up chicks.

- Can I come?

- Hey, and if not,
we can just smoke

behind auto shop, right?

- I think we should stay here.

- All right, see you guys later.

- Okay, I'll see you guys later.

- Hi.

- How are we supposed
to work with the two

new exchange students?

- New project and
they're not on our group?

Which is your fault.

- Why is it my fault?

- Because Grossman hates
you, so this is his revenge.

- I don't think so, I
think he secretly wants

to hang out with us.

- Do you really think
he's gonna fail us?

- Not if we have a backup plan.

- What do you mean?

Like a bribe?
- Exactly.

Why not go to him,
offer him something

in case we can't film anything?

- What if he wants gay stuff?

- That's where Ryan comes in.

- Right.

Thing is, though, we're
gonna have to stick together.

- Right. Absolutely.

No reason any of
us have to fail.

All right, one of
us has to fail.

- You think?
- I mean, we're never gonna do

a good job on this
project, let's be honest.

- Okay.

- And what we should do is
piggyback on someone else's.

Now, there's no room
for all three of us,

so we might have to throw
Kevin under the bus.

- Yeah, I mean, it makes sense.

- Yeah, it does.

- He's not really one of us.
- He's not one of us, man.

- Only if we really have to.

- Right.

Plus, he'll be fine if he fails.

He comes from a good family.

- He does come
from a good family.

- Very good, rich, white family.

- Eh, he's Italian.

- Yeah, but, like, white
Italian, very Waspy, you know?

He's had a good ride.

You, on the other hand...

- What?

- I'm just saying we need
as much help as we can get.

- All right, we'll
form an alliance,

but maybe we should
get to Christy first.

- Definitely.

[bumbling music]

- How gross is Steven?

- Disgusting.
- I know.

- He smells like cottage cheese.

- Hey, hey, hey,
what's going on here?

- We were just talking
about how you can

never do the
announcements by yourself.

- Okay, you know, Christy,

I know you're in love with me

and you have to
take it out in these

passive aggressive little ways,

but we can be civil
to each other.

[Christy sighs]

- You're right.

Maybe I should hook you up
with those exchange girls.

- Hey now, that's a good idea.

Maybe do a little
exchange with them

and you can take the
nerdy, little Bible pusher.

- He's a Christian scientist.

- Christian scientist?

What the hell is that?

- They believe everything
can be solved through prayer.

- What weirdos, man.

I'm telling you,
religion is such a scam.

They use the power
of their beliefs

to get money from people.

- Yeah, and I gotta say,
as a Jew, that offends me.

- You're only half Jewish.

- Yeah, but I'm fully offended.

- Scam?

Like when you three went
to a Mormon singles' mixer,

posing as elders in need

of female spouses?
- That was a fun night.

- Good night, it
was a good night.

- Hey, you're project leader,

what do you say your
group and my group

get together and
share a few ideas?

- Hmm, temping, but no can do.

I'm having lunch
with a new friend.

I really like him.

- What's his name?

Jose?

Pedro? Jamal?

- Ha ha.

Very funny.

- Weren't you really into, like,

"Slumdog Millionaire" for a bit?

- Okay, guys, don't
ruin this for me.

I really like him.

It's Mike Cook from
the wrestling team.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, you.

Guys, you know Mike Cook.

- What up, guys?

- Hey, what's up, man?

- [Mike] Not much.

- That was a good
match last week.

Maybe we can do a story on
it, you know, for our project?

- Yeah, well,
we're gonna go eat.

Why don't you split
up with your bestie

and figure out what to do?

- Well, you know, it's hard
to split up with me and Kevin.

We can't just split up.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Your saying Kevin's
your best friend?

- Well--
- I thought I was your...

- Well, you know,
it's like, come on.

Kev, you wanna help me out?

- No.

Steven, I'm not
your best friend.

You slept with my sister.

- Oh, my god, again with this.

You said you weren't
gonna be home that night.

- Ryan would never
sleep with my sister.

- Thanks, bro, I wouldn't.

Hey, maybe we should team up.

Three's a crowd.

- All right, you know what,
go butt fuck each other.

- [Ryan] Hey, maybe we will!

- No.
- All right?

And you'll be so jealous.
- No.

No, we wouldn't.
- I'll get the special K

all in my mouth.
- Shut up.

Go downstairs.

What's wrong with you?

[bumbling music]

- Morning, guys.

- What's up, buddy?

- Stupid friends left
me to do their project.

- Why don't you just be like
Mikey and interview people?

- Fellas, what's up, guys?

- Oh, my god, leave us alone.

- Oh, come on, Steven, I
don't have any friends.

My dad won't let me
hang out with people

that aren't inside the church,

well, actually, outside
the church for that matter.

- That sucks.

- Yeah, and he won't even
let my sister date guys.

Wait, maybe if you guys came
out and hang out at the church,

he'll start changing his mind.

- We're not gonna meet your dad.

- Oh, come on, Steven, please?

- Tell me, Daniel, what do
Christian scientists believe in?

- Well, we believe in the Bible,

from Genesis to Revelations.

We believe that people
are spiritual beings

and that anything can be solved
through the power of prayer.

- And what about Jehovah?

- Jehovah's believe everything
is derived from Christ,

Mormons believe Christ talked
directly to Joseph Smith,

and the Jews crucified him.

- Well, that's not
entirely true, it's--

- You know, Mormons believe
in having multiple wives.

- Hey, I'm into that.

- We should do an
expose on Mormon girls,

maybe interview some, have
them over to the house.

- Absolutely, break them
in, meet the neighbors.

- Guys, lying to church
girls for sex is a sin.

- Shut the fuck up, Danny.

- No.
- You know, we should go

from school to school,
interviewing them.

That'll be, like, our thing.

- I'm down, but I have
my own skit to shoot.

- Ooh, what skit?

- At the library, wanna come?

- In the library? You wanna go?

- Oh, yeah, let me get my stuff.

- Oh, no.

No, no, no.

- Oh, come on, Steven, please?

I don't have any
friends at this school.

Come on, please, let me
hang out with you guys.

- Fine, but be quiet
and stay behind us.

- Thank you so much,
I'm so happy right now.

- Whatever.

- Thank you.
- Morning, everyone.

Hope you guys had
a good weekend.

So who's ready for
a pop quiz today?

[Brett groans]

- So I say we film
about social media

and the impact it has today.

- Oh, my god, does
that sound boring.

- Why, everybody lives
their lives on social media.

- Well, well, well.

- What's up?

- Just hanging with my
bud Brett and this guy.

- All right, so
listen, I was thinking,

we drop the whole church angle,

and hop on board Christy's
social media thing.

- Uh, who says you
can hop on board?

- Why?

Nothing better than talking
to young, naive girls.

- You really think it's a
good idea to talk to girls

trying to accept
Jesus in their life?

- Hmm, let's see, girls
eager to please a male figure

that doesn't have a
job and has a beard,

think you've answered your
own question, now haven't you?

- No, listen, Steve,
stay with me on this.

Nobody cares that church shit,

everybody cares about the
glitz, the glamor, celebrities.

People wanna watch shit

to forget how shitty
their lives are.

- Yeah, plus, pretend they know
what it's like to be famous,

'cause, deep down, that's
what everyone wants.

- Of course, they do.

Celebrities get
whatever they want.

Nobody has to even try
to be famous anymore.

- Yeah, just look at those
girls on Snapchat and Twitter,

they're just drinking
and acting like whores.

- Yeah, they are, and you
can do it better than anyone.

- No, I don't!

But I do think I see
what you're saying

about getting a
lot of followers.

- Well, good luck with that.

Me and Daniel are gonna go
where the real action is.

- We're going to
my father's church.

You guys can come if you want.

[bumbling music]

I can't wait for you
to meet everyone.

I'm so excited.

- Yeah, let's just
get this over with.

- Wait, you know I'm
the youth leader, right?

- I don't know what that means.

- Oh, it means I'm in
charge of the prayer group.

- That means nothing to me.

Damn.

- Yeah, it's a slow tonight.

- Oh, my god, this
church is ass soup!

- Oh, here's my sister.

- Hey, bro, who's this?

- This is my new friend, Steven.

- Easy.

Hi.

- Hi.

[Dana sniffs]

Ooh, I like your cologne.

What is it?
- Call the wild.

[Dana laughs]
I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding.
- Oh!

Are you here for the good word?

- Of course.

Time to tapture the
rapture, am I right?

[both laugh]

- So you're in his class?

- Yeah.

- I'll have to give you a ride
home every once in a while.

- Why stop at once?

[Steven laughs]
- Oh, my gosh.

You've got to meet our dad.

Daddy!

- [Pastor Selph] Hi, honey.

Hey, kids, who's your friend?

- Oh, this is Steven.

- Welcome, Steven, I hope
you enjoy the service.

- Steven is a victim of sin,
sex, drugs, and alcohol.

- Lots of sex.

- Oh, and lying and gluttony.

- I did do the
nasty in the pasty.

- Well, it's our
mission to rid the world

of sin and the devil's nature.

You're welcome to join us in
our prayer groups if you like.

- Okay.

Maybe I should join her prayer
group and her friends, yes?

- Usually, the church doesn't
condone boys and girls.

- Okay.

Good call.

- Let's begin.

- Friends, brothers, sisters,
let's begin our service

with a scripture from
the Bible, verse 23,

and let's give a warm welcome
to our new visitor Steven.

Let's make him
feel right at home.

[church goers applauding]
- Oh.

[Steven chuckles]

Okay, all right.

Thank you. Okay.

- Give your neighbor a hug.

Give your neighbor a kiss.

Let's begin, shall we?

And I besought the Lord
at that time, saying,

"O Lord God, thou hast begun

"to show the servant thy
greatness, and thy mighty hand."

- So you guys just do funny
skits and videos in this class?

- Yeah, pretty much.

- Hey, honey, maybe
we can do a video

about you and the
wrestling team.

- Yeah, maybe.

- Mike is one match away
from the state championship.

- We're having a party
if you guys wanna come.

- Really?

- Yeah, you guys are cool,

you're always doing
whatever you want.

Bring Steven along too.

- Uh, no, that's okay.

- Oh, come on, you're
always telling me

about all the funny
shit he's doing.

- Yeah, stupid shit.

- Hey, babe, could you
go to the vending machine

and get a soda?

- Sure.

- You guys want anything?

- Corn Nuts.

- [Christy] Okay.

- So you guys think Christy
has a thing for Steven?

- Uh, I--
- It's okay.

Truth is I'm not even
into her, anyway.

I like someone else.

- Who?

- Michelle Kinger.

- The Mormon chick?

- Yeah, maybe you guys can
help me ask her to prom.

- How?

- Just walk with me to
class, push me into her.

- What?

- Just push me into her,
knock her books down,

I'll take care of the rest.

But don't tell Christy.

- Are you sure?

- I mean, unless you
guys aren't cool enough.

- Oh, no, we're cool.

- So fucking cool.

- I just wish we could
get Steven involved.

He seems like he really
knows how to get girls.

♪ Blessed is the
king who comes ♪

♪ Yeah, the name of the Lord

- I was thinking of taking
out that new exchange student.

I could use a good wingman.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I thought you and
I were gonna do it.

- I mean, yeah, before, back
when I didn't have a choice.

- All right.

How about we fight
for it, big nips?

- All right, I
don't wanna be mean,

but Mike is literally 10
times cooler than you are.

- Yeah, but I'm crazy
enough to do anything.

I'm loco, man.

Chicks dig that.

- All right, you wanna
have a crazier contest?

- Yeah, let's do it.

- I know just how to settle it.

- And 19.

- You're almost there.

- And where's the
20th one gonna go?

Right there.

- Dang, that's crazy.

- All right, your turn.

- And the record
you have to beat

is nothing 'cause I choose him.

- What?

- Sorry, I told you I
didn't wanna do this.

[bumbling music]

[pencil sharpener whirring]

[Christy sighs]

- [Ryan] Dude, I don't
understand Grossman,

with all these posters.

You know he's suicidal.

- [Kevin] It's
'cause he's a weirdo.

- Hey, what you
guys do last night?

- Nothing, just had a few beers.

- Did he say anything about me?

- Well, in a way.

- [Christy] Was it good?

- [Ryan] Not really.

- Great.
- Trust me,

no one had a good
time last night.

- Hey oh!

Good morning, everybody.

- What's got you all cheerful?

- Oh, I spent last
night with a man.

[Christy snorts]

Man called God.

- You went to Daniel's
prayer group, didn't you?

- Yeah, bro, oh,
it's a goldmine.

All these chicks are so hot.

You've been looking
for a new angle.

- That's not a bad idea.

- You guys are gonna go to
church just to pick up girls?

- Oh, I'm sorry, Christy,

we're trying to
learn a new religion,

try to broaden our horizons,
get a little perspective.

Tell me, what do you do?

- Well, I don't exploit a
religion just to get laid.

- Well, look at sweet Christy,

sitting on a cloud of judgment,
passing out life lessons.

- Whatever, Steven.

- We should film a prank show.

It could be our thing.

- Ugh, prank show?

Come on, let's just
jump on her thing.

- A music video?

- Yeah.
- Uh, I don't think

that's a good idea.

- Guys, let's just
do the prank show.

Everybody loves pranks.

And if it doesn't work out,

we'll just take over
Christy's thing.

- Whoa, guys, you can't just--
- Dah, dah, dah, dah.

Let the men talk, Christy.

Let the men talk.

[Christy sighs]

- Let's go ask Grossman.

- Ugh, really?

He's weird.
- Oh, you're exaggerating.

- I want in.

Tag team.

Hey, guys, there's
room for everybody.

Oh.

Hey, guys.

Yeah, I was just taking
inventory of some
confiscated items.

- All right.

- We have a great new
project; a prank show.

- A prank show?

- Yeah, who doesn't love pranks?

- Other than the
people being pranked?

I thought you guys
were gonna do some type

of a religious skit.

- Well, we may need some
more time with that.

You see, Steven's doing
some extensive research.

- I will actually
be going tonight,

sink in a little deeper,
meet more people.

- [Mr. Grossman] I feel
like I should be worried.

- No.

No.

- You're trying to
bang 'em, aren't you?

- Yes. Yes, I am.

- It's unbelievable how
he gets away with it.

- I mean, technically,
I am Jewish,

and the Jews are
the chosen people.

Yeah, it's great.

Just sucks it's
only one day a week.

- You could go to
a different church

every night of the week.

- That's great.

Yeah, we'll go to
mass on Monday,

temple on Tuesday,
ward on Wednesdays.

Shabbat shalom, ladies.

- You're going to hell.

- Hey, I'm not the
bad guy, all right?

It's not like this guy

when two missionaries
knocked on his door.

- I feel like we're really
gonna save someone's soul today.

- Yeah.

[knocking]

Good morning, sir.

- Sweet Christmas.

- Are you interested in--
- Let me stop you

right there, fella.

Do you guys really believe
in all this shit, truly,

that Jesus spoke to you?

What do you do about women?

You know, you're surrounded
by horny church girls all day.

They wanna please
their fellow man?

You're telling me you
don't wanna fuck 'em

at least a little bit?

Do you guys really
wanna get into heaven?

Come on in.

Let's talk.

Right this way.

Make yourself at home.
- We're just gonna talk?

- Just gonna talk.

[Kevin chuckles]

- Wow, so that's how you do it?

- Yeah, there's nothing to it.

I told you, it's super easy.

Hey, hey--
[boy with bong coughing]

Drink more, guy, come on.

- It's not the best tasting--
- Here, no, it's good for you.

Hey, drink your medicine, fella.

Ah, there you go.
- You don't wanna be rude.

- You don't wanna, you know,
get Jesus mad at you and shit.

- That will make Jesus mad?

- Oh, Jesus hates
it when you don't

get absolutely fucking hammered.

- I mean--
- Like--

- Really?
- Like those guys.

Check it out, you know?

That's what you call
a good old-fashioned,

you know, panty raid.

See that guy right
there in the middle?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.

- His name is the
fabled Chief Slappaho.

You should drink more,

and you should put this
thing in your mouth.

- You guys are such delinquents.

- I'm starting to think
you're not on board with this.

- I'm not on board with this.

- Why not?

It's amazing.

These girls, man,
they're so hot.

- Huge boobs.

- He likes big boobs.

He's a real size king.

- Really?

Any redheads?

- Three.

- Roar.

All right.

Do the prank show.

Make sure you get Mr.
Locatelli in the face.

- Why him?

- I hate him.

That bastard parks in my
spot every single day.

- Oh, okay, good, I thought
it was something important.

- Wait, why is it okay for you

to do something
immoral, but not us?

- Well, because the
school already thinks

you guys are losers.

Look, you guys get to
do everything you want

and you get away with
it, 'cause you're kids.

I envy you.

Listen.

Maybe I can hang out
with you guys, you know,

go to parties, pick up
chicks with you guys?

- Interesting, or
you could give us

the cameras for operation church

and we could give you
the leftover footage

of the choir girls.

- Okay.

Just do it.

Make sure you get
Locatelli in the face,

and I'll think about
lending you the cameras.

And hey, guys, do you have any,

the test footage of the
redheads with the...

Whatever.

[bumbling music]

- Hey, guys, I'm Kevin
and this is "Pranked."

All right, come on, guys.

Open the door.

[knocking]
- Locatelli.

[Christy laughs]

Yeah, you just got pranked!

- You're gonna pay for this!

- [Ryan] Suck it, Locatelli!

- [Kevin] Man, are
you sure about this?

- Oh, I'm telling you, bro,
you're gonna love this.

- [Daniel] Hey, guys,
I'm so glad you came.

- Hey, man, where's your sister?

- Oh, she's getting the
lyrics for the songs.

Do you guys wanna sing?

- Who's that?

- [Daniel] Oh, that's Molly.

- And that?

- Oh, that's Jessica.

- Oh, man.

Hey, maybe we can join
your prayer group?

- Oh. Yeah.

- [Dana] Hey, guys.

- Hey, there she is.

- I'm so glad I finally have
pure, righteous friends.

[Steven clicks tongue]
- Mm-hm.

- So the key is to really
get your ass into it.

[ball clacking]

- So what's the wildest
thing you've ever done?

- Oh, gosh.

No, I haven't done
anything wild.

I mean, my parents
are really strict.

My dad won't even let
us out of the house.

- Aww, that sucks.

- Yeah, that's why I just have

to play with myself in my room.

- That suck, wait, what?

- I wanna unleash my wildness.

- Uh-huh.
- I have such needs.

- Okay.
- And I wanna do it with you.

- Holy crap, is this
actually happening?

- Mm-hm.

I wanna have a
threesome with you.

- Awesome, okay.

How about with your friend over
there that plays volleyball?

Her shin guards
will come in handy.

- Actually, I've had my
eye on this one girl.

She's so cute!

- Okay, who?

- Your friend Christy.

- Christy?

Hey, Christy, Christy, my
little favorite reporter.

- What do you want, Steven?

- I was thinking about you
and, you know, you're right,

this whole me going
to church thing,

it's getting out of control.

- Oh, the girls not seeing
through your bullshit?

[Steven laughs]

- No, no.

I just think about
you and you're right,

I shouldn't make
a joke about it,

especially after
meeting one of the girls

the other day, Dana.

I mean, she was so
passionate about it

that I think you
should interview her.

- Really?

- Yeah, you know, take her
out, ask some questions.

- That's actually a good idea.

- It is, the only thing is
that she's a little nervous

about going by herself.

She needs someone there to,
like, make her feel comfortable.

Tell you what, I'll
come with you guys,

make sure everything
goes smoothly.

- Um, okay.

- Okay? Mark's Pizza?

Say seven?
- Okay.

- Okay, great.
Wear something hot.

- Hot?

- Caramel macchiato.

- Excuse me, what do
you think you're doing

in the teachers' lounge?

- Oh, well, you know,
it's the only place

I can really get my
coffee for free, so.

- You know, for the
record, I didn't find

your prank very funny.

- Well, you're the only one.

It was a hit on YouTube.

- That's 'cause Mr. Grossman's
been protecting you,

but that's coming to
an end real quick.

If I find you guys doing one
more prank on school grounds,

you're getting suspended.

Get outta here.

- Can I finish my coffee?

- Now.

[Mr. Locatelli sighs]

[bumbling music]

[Ryan humming]

- Hey there.
- Whoa, hey.

- You're Steven
and Kevin's friend.

- Yeah.

- See you guys have had quite
an impression on my children.

- Yeah, that's them.

- I hear you guys
also like to drink.

- Oh, shit.

- I see you guys as
kids full of sin.

The devil's living in you,

you're sinning day
in and day out.

You wanna know what
I think about that?

I think it's great.

- What was that now?

- I have these hidden desires

for lust and sin,
blood and gore.

I confiscate all these
horror movies and drugs,

and I love 'em!

- I'm very scared, sir.

- Listen, maybe I can relive
my youth through you guys,

you know, the way
it should've been.

- I don't think that's...

Wait a second, did you
say confiscated drugs?

- And beer too.

- Interesting.

- [Kevin] All right,
we got a problem.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

Listen, you've known
Christy for a long time,

do you think she'd be
good at scissoring?

- Wait, what?

I don't know.

Locatelli is threatening
us with suspension.

- What?

That dude's a tool.

- No, listen, we gotta
talk to Mr. Grossman,

or this is gonna get outta hand.

- How could it get outta hand?

- Dudes, dudes.

The pastor just stalked
me in the parking lot.

He wants to hang out with us.

- This can't get any worse.

- Oh.

Calm down, sit down.

Mr. Grossman's gonna teach
us how to do an interview.

I'm so excited.

- Hi, hello, hello.

Welcome, everybody.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Thank you so much
for being here.

[Mr. Grossman sighs]

So for those of you who know me,

you know that I'm in therapy.

Now, the way that came to be is,

well, a year ago, at this
time, I was suicidal.

[Mr. Grossman sighs]

And that's when I
entered into therapy.

But rather than cry about
it, rather than pity myself,

I decided to have a
sense of humor about it.

At that time, I decided
to write my new book,

"Therapy, It's a Joke."

[students laughing]

Okay, so, let's
jump right into it.

Who needs therapy?

- [Girl In Yellow] Me.

- Okay, who needs therapy?

Anybody?

Any, how about you?

Come on up, come on.

Come on, come, come,
come, come, come.

Have a seat right here.

What's your name?

- Hannah.
- Hannah.

Everybody, welcome Hannah, okay?

- Woo!
- Have a seat, Hannah.

Now, Hannah, do you
know what this is?

- A bell.
- That's right.

It's my honesty bell.

Now, what's gonna happen
with this bell, Hannah,

is if at any time
in this interview,

you're not being honest,

I'm gonna ring this
little bell here

and you're gonna sit in shame.

- [Students] Shame.

Shame.

- Now, Hannah, don't
worry about it, okay?

I'm gonna make you comfortable.

And just so you know, there
is a line right here, okay?

This is a boundary that I
am not gonna cross, okay?

You get that, Hannah, huh?

You see what I just
did there, Hannah?

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

I lied.

[Mr. Grossman laughs]
[bell ringing]

- [Student] Shame!

- [Students] Shame.

- All right.

Hannah, you're new
to school here, huh?

Where were you before?

- High school.

- I was high in school too.

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

Oh, so what do you wanna
study when you go to college?

- Microbiology.

- Oh, you wanna study
small things, huh?

Um.

Let's get into it, okay?

When was the last
time you were bad?

- I don't wanna say on camera.

- Why don't you just
whisper it in my ear?

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

She was a hooker!

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

No, I'm kidding,
she didn't say that.

Oh, yeah, she didn't
wanna pay the taxes.

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

Oh.

Let's try something else.

What did you get
for your birthday?

- My tennis team got
me lots of gifts,

penguin slippers, a dolphin
loofah, and a tin of popcorn.

- Hmm.

So they don't like
you, but you knew that.

[Mr. Grossman laughs]
[students laugh]

I'm just kidding,
I'm so kidding.

Okay, the penguin slippers,

like, do they walk
side by side, you know?

[Mr. Grossman mumbles]

No, that's just a bad
stereotype, really bad.

It's kinda like Asian girls
and tennis and microbiology.

You know what, Hannah's just
a well-adjusted girl, okay?

Thank you so much for
being here, Hannah.

Thank you so much.
[students applauding]

- [Student] Woo.

- Oh, I really appreciate that.

I wasn't attracted to her.

[bell ringing]

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

- [Ryan] Shame!

- [Students] Shame.

- Ah.

Maybe somebody else?

Well, I think that went well.

- Are you kidding?

That was wildly inappropriate.

Locatelli's never
gonna air this.

- Hey, we need someone
to do the announcements.

- [Ryan] I'm not doing it.

I get stage fright.
- You're not even

in front of an audience.
- You know what I mean.

- Steven, you do it.

- I can't, I have
Bible study now.

- [Ryan] Oh, fuck you.

- Hey, I'm a student
of God now, okay?

- Steven, forget it.

You're way too trashy to do
the announcements, anyway.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It means you got a reputation,

and we don't want it on camera.

Even if you do get that girl,

she'll probably catch something.

- Yeah, if they see you
on the announcements,

they'll be like, "Hey,
isn't that the guy

"that makes my,
like, ass itch now?"

- They all have to go to the
store to pick up antibiotics.

[Ryan laughs]

- They do.

They do.

- You know, I don't
know what's worse,

Mary or Christy's new boyfriend.

You know he actually
wants me to push him

into Michelle Kinger?

Apparently, that's how
he's gonna ask her out.

- Well, that would
just devastate Christy.

Can I be the one that tells her?

- No, I'm not supposed
to tell anyone.

- I can do the
announcements with Ryan.

[bumbling music]

Please?

- All right, well,
the grass is dead

and there's no game tomorrow.

And male cheerleading
is not a real sport.

And that's this week in sports.

Go A cups...

Acorns.

- [Cameraman] Nice.

[Daniel sighs]

- I thought I was gonna
say something stupid like,

"Mike Cook wants Kevin to
push him in Michelle Kinger."

- [Cameraman] Uh, Dan.

- Huh?
- You're still on live.

- Oh, you big-toothed prick.

- See, maybe you should've
done the announcements.

- I'm gonna kill this kid.

Okay, I got a good way
we can get Mr. Locatelli,

but we're gonna need your help.

- I'm listening.

- It's gonna be really bad, so
we're gonna need a fall guy.

[bumbling music]

- Here she comes.

I'm a little nervous.

- Just relax.

Have a drink or two.

- Nope, still nervous.

- Ah, don't be, she's a
very affectionate person.

- Really?

- Yeah, give her a
kiss when she comes.

It's very European.

- She's from Detroit.

- [Steven] She travels.

- Okay.
- Hey.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi.

- I am really glad we
could get together.

- Me too, I'm hoping to
get a lot out of this.

- Me too.

- I brought my camcorder.

I'm hoping to record this.

- Okay.

- So, Dana, you know,
Christy has been

talking about you all the time.

She totally admires you.

- Oh, well, thank you.

- Yeah, well, I see
you around school

and you're really cute.

[Christy laughs]
- Okay, okay.

Can we get some wine over here?

- I must admit, I've never
done this with a girl before.

- Yeah, Steven told me.

It's okay.

- Usually, I just do it
with the volleyball coach,

volleyball players, basketball
coach, football coach.

- Damn.

[Dana laughs]

I thought I was bad.

- And I must admit,
I'm into this,

but I'm not into all
that ass kissing, so.

[Steven laughs]

- Okay.

[Dana laughs]
[Christy laughs]

- [Cameraman] We're
live in three, two.

- Hello, welcome to "Real
Talk with Ryan," I'm Ryan.

And we have a
special guest today,

Mr. Locatelli, English teacher,

teaches English literature
and kills kids' good time.

Welcome Mr. Locatelli.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Locatelli, why are
you an English teacher?

- Well, I guess it's 'cause
I've always had a passion

for arts and literature.

- Mm, yes.

Oh, who's your favorite writer?

- You know, a lot of
people say Shakespeare.

Me, I'd say Hemingway.

- Oh, wow.

Maybe you should do what he did.

Hey, can I ask you
one last question?

- Please.

- How do you feel
about snake attack!

- Stack attack.

- Woo, woo!

- Snake attack.
- Snake attack.

- Snake.
- Snake attack.

- Snake attack.

[Ryan hisses]

- You guys think this is funny?

- Yeah, it's for
our new prank show.

Hey, I think it'll go over well.

What do you think?

- Oh, how's this for funny?

How about I kick all of
you kids out of this class?

Going to talk to the principal.

- Hey, hey.

Hold on, take it
easy, take it easy.

Look, it was just a joke

and a prank for
educational purposes.

- Oh, Grossman, somehow I
knew you were behind this.

You know what, I'm going
to write a statement,

and I'm gonna take your dolls

that you've been
hiding in your desk.

- What?

- You heard me, you
were supposed to turn

those things in a month ago.

- You bastard!

- Man, did that guy
overreact or what?

- So what are we gonna do now?

- Now, we've gotta go
all out on this guy.

We're gonna have to
break into his office

and get my dolls back.

- Wait, what?

- Uh, the statement.

We're gonna have to break
in and get that statement.

- We may need some
help from the church.

- God?

- Mm-mm.

Steven.

I wonder how his date's going.

Probably banging your sister.

[Ryan laughs]

- But that's a sin.

She'll go to hell.

- Jesus forgives.

- Wow.

You ordered a lot of wine.

- You want some more?
- Yeah.

- Sir?
- Beat it.

- You have a problem
with the bill.

The cashier said you kept trying
to pay in Canadian dollars?

- I tell her it's
practically U.S. money.

- Well, I'm gonna go freshen up.

I'll be right back.

- Oh, I have got to thank you.

We are getting along great.

- Hey, just seeing you
two happy together,

it's all the thanks I need.

- I still feel I
have to thank you.

I mean, I owe you.

- Define "owe."

- Well, do you wanna join?

[glass crashes]

- I could be into that.

Tell you what, go
to the bathroom,

let me just have a
sec with her, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- [Christy] Hi, guys.

- [Steven] Hey.

- I will be right back.

Be here when I get back.

- Do you see what I'm seeing?

- What's that, dear?

- Dana's totally
coming on to me.

- Well, it doesn't
make any sense.

You're both women.

- Yeah, I think that's the idea.

- This damn generation.

- I don't know, maybe I'm
reading too much into things.

- Yeah.
- Maybe I should go back

to her place?

- Yeah, 'cause you
don't wanna be rude.

- I'd be scared
to go there alone.

Well, will you come with us?

- Yeah, yeah.

I'll totally be there for you.

- Okay.

Hey, ready to go?

- [Daniel] Yeah.

- Guys ready to go,
everything's good?

- [Waiter] Sir, you
have a phone call.

- What is this, the 1980s?

What do you mean I
have a phone call?

- You have a phone call outside.

- Outside?

Oh.

Okay, you two just
relax, sit tight,

I'll be right back, okay?

- Okay.
- Don't go anywhere.

[Dana sighs]

- What?
- How's it going in there?

- Well, so far, so good.

- All right, we need your help.

Locatelli's gonna suspend us.

- We're done trying
to reason with him.

Might have to get a
little tough with him.

- Just tell Mr. Look At
My Belly to back off.

- No, not this time.

We're playing hardball.

- Well, fine, do it.

Get outta here.

- But we need you.

- Daniel, I would, but I'm so
close on nailing your sister.

- Who cares?

Come hang out with us.

We're gonna get rolled
ice cream later.

- Really?!

- We're gonna
stake this guy out,

follow him at night,
maybe a little camp out.

- Gonna get really hard
with this guy, you know?

Blast him in the ass.

Nothing weird or
anything like that.

- Guys, guys, I have a chance
for the dream in there.

- Which is?

- Oh, you mean...

- What?

What?

- Two girls, one Steven.
- One Steven.

- All right, go ahead.

Hey.

Make sure you rub one out

before you guys get
all naked, right?

Smart.

That's my boy.

- Wait, what are
we gonna do now?

- Oh, I have one guy that
might be able to help us.

- Who'd be stupid
enough to help us?

- The guy that made this guy.

- Papa?

[intense drum beating]

- We may have had a
bad influence on him.

- Papa?

- Hey, kids. What's up?

- We were just having
problems with our teacher,

and we were gonna
deal with it tonight.

- Are you gonna kill him?

- No, no, we're not.

- 'Cause I'd really be into it.

I'm on this website, gore.com,

it's got burn victims, people
with their heads blown off.

It's amazing.

- Who's been doing the sermons?

- Who cares, I'm
done with that shit.

Listen, maybe we can
all hang out sometime?

- Or you can just give
us your baseball bats,

and we're gonna get
really hard with the guy.

- Again, with the hard.

Are you doing gay
stuff with this guy?

- No, dude, it's not gay.

It's expressive.

- Hey, take whatever you want,

but if you bash this guy's
head in, I want pictures.

- Oh, Daddy.

- Where's Steven?

- Oh, he's on a date with Dana.

- Lucky guy.

- Wait, what?

- I mean, lucky girl.

He's the kinda guy I could
really welcome into this family.

I bet he's treating
her like a lady.

- Woo, bartender!

[Dana laughs]

Another one.

[Dana laughs]

Mm.
- Well, I think we should go.

- Yeah, funny thing happened
while you were on the phone.

- Really?

- Yeah, Dana said she can't wait

to take both of us
on at the same time.

- What's your point?

- What are you up to?

You're up to something.

- Maybe she wants to take on
a youth trip or something.

- She said she's
so thankful for you

for taking her
out of the closet,

and that she brought
her own handcuffs.

- Okay, here's the
deal, she likes you,

she wants to have a
threesome with us.

- And did you tell
her I'm not a lesbo?

- I said you were open-minded.

What's the big deal?

Maybe you'll like it.

- If I was going to
have a threesome,

it sure wouldn't be with you.

- Well, now, that
just hurts, Christy.

You know, we've had our
differences in the past,

but you don't like me enough

to consider me a
friend with benefits?

- I don't even
consider you a friend!

[Dana groans]

[Christy sighs]

Great.

Now she's passed out,

and we're gonna have
to carry her home.

- Oh, man.

- Looks like your dream of
having a threesome's over.

- I mean, we still
could do stuff.

No, okay, you're right, sorry.

Too much, too much, sorry.

- [Mike] What the
hell, Christy?!

- Mike, this isn't
what it seems.

- Well, not anymore.

- Hey, where's your friend?

I'm gonna pound his face in.

- [Steven] Why?

- Mike.
- I told him in confidence,

and he's laughing at me?

- Oh, yeah, bro, you
should never tell us

anything in confidence.

- Mike.
- You being funny?

- [Daniel] Hey, hey, hey.

[elbow thuds]

- Yeah, I should probably
go help the guys.

- [Christy] What the heck?

[bumbling music]

- There he is, that
son of a bitch.

If we can just knock
him unconscious,

we can get in that office
and get our reports back.

- All right, what's the plan?

- The plan is to,
you know, jump him.

- Okay.

Go do it.

- Oh, I'm not gonna go
do it, you're doing it.

- What? Dude, no.

- Dude, I can't do it.

I have college interviews,
I can't get caught.

Got a way better ride than you.

- Yeah, that's true,

but still.
- Well, I can't do it.

Jesus is watching me.

- Keep that Jesus talk
in the church, weirdo.

- Hey, guys.
- Whoa!

- Shh.
- What are you doing?

- [Kevin] Thought you
were on your date.

- Well, I was till Mike
came looking for you.

- Aww, did you
cover for me, bro?

That's cool.

- Well, it's really Dana
who covered for you,

but, all right,
what are we doing?

- We're deciding who's
gonna take this guy out.

- Well, its clearly
gotta be Daniel.

- What, why me?

- You're not one
of his students.

He not gonna recognize you.

- That's true.

- I can't do it on my own.

- Yeah, that's true too.

He doesn't really have
the body to jump someone.

I mean, look at him,
he couldn't hurt a fly.

- Oh, he's a pussy.

Steven go with him.

- What? No.

- Look at him, he
doesn't have muscles.

You've got the perfect
muscle mass for this.

- That's true, I do have
perfect muscle mass.

- It's the carbo-loading.

- I do work out
more than anyone.

All right, give me the stick.

- Thank you so much.

You're my best friend.

- Thanks, bro.

Hopefully, your sister's okay.

- What?
- All right.

Ready? Come on.

Okay, okay.

All right, okay.

Okay, you go over there.

You go over there.

Okay.
- Do you think we're gonna get

in trouble for this?

- I don't know.
- Oh, God, I'm so scared.

Oh.
- Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Get over there, get over
there, get over there, go.

Okay, come here,
come here, come here.

- Okay?
- Yeah, let's go this way.

Let's go, come on.

[Steven whimpers]

- Did he just leave him?

[Ryan laughs]

- That pussy.

[Daniel screams]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you?

- Uh, uh--
- That's it, let's go.

We're going to the
principal's office.

- No, wait, wait.
- Let's go.

Come on, you're
getting locked up

over night.
- Steven!

I'm sorry, Steven!

Steven!

Where'd you go,
where'd you go, Steven?

- Guys, guys, guys.

I don't know what happened.

My adrenaline just took over.

I just did the first thing
that came to my mind.

- Uh, yeah, you panicked
and you pussied out.

[Ryan laughs]
- Well, no, no no, I just,

my adrenaline just told
me to do something.

I just followed my instincts.

- Yeah, no.
- Guys, either way,

we're good.

They left.

Let's go.

- Okay, all right, let's go.

[doors rattling]
- Goddamn it, it's locked.

- I guess we gotta
wait till morning.

- Looks like a camp out.

Got any food?

- No, but you know who does?

- [Kevin] Why did
you invite him?

- He is kinda growing on me.

- He's weirdo.

There's a reason they
call him Mr. Grossman.

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

- Woo!

Hey oh!

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

Yeah!

Bros!

[Mr. Grossman laughs]

What's up, kids?!

- We tried to steal Locatelli's
briefcase, he got away.

- Yeah, Steven's karate
moves went out the window

when he ran away
like a little girl.

- No, listen, my
adrenaline told me

to do something else, okay?

So I did something else.

- Guys, it's okay.

It's all right.

Listen, I don't mind
camping out with you guys.

I brought snacks.

[bumbling music]

- [Kevin] This is great and all,

but shouldn't we
worry about security?

- Please, security?

- Security, we got Survey
and Lance right here.

Surveillance.

- Just stop.

- Okay, let's just move past it.

- How can we get into the class?

If we get into his room
and steal the paperwork,

he can't do anything to us.

- It'll be his
word against yours.

- But how are we gonna
get into the school?

- Okay, I know what to do.

I just have to scale
that wall down there

and jump the fence.

- Okay, Jason Bourne.

You can't even scare
a middle-aged man.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I told you before,

my instincts told me
to do something else.

[Mr. Grossman snorts]

- Okay, Steven, how do you
view yourself in our group?

- [Steven] I'm Walter.

- What?

- "The Big Lebowski"?

I'm Walter, you're The
Dude, and you're Donnie.

- Except in that movie,
the guy's always wrong.

- Whatever, dude, okay?

I could scale that fence easily.

Just let the energy kick in.

- Hey.

Look what I got.

Kale.

- I don't even know
if I should do any.

I'm scared.

- Oh, come on, really?

- All right, I'll do a couple.

- All right.
- You know, eat healthy.

Gotta be more
responsible, right?

- [Mr. Grossman] Go ahead.

There you go.

Right?

It's okay.

- Yeah, it's good.

Okay.
- Attaboy.

- Okay, you don't
have to do this.

- Is that a challenge?

- No, it's not.

- It is.

- I don't know why you keep
saying this is a challenge.

I literally don't
think you can do this.

- Have some faith, man.

All right.

Bend at the knees, stiff
as a board, and jump.

Oh, stride, stride,
stride, stride, execute!

[Steven yelping]

Oh, my god.

- How was that, Spider-Man?

- Well, is this fricking
regulation height or what?!

- Well, fine, I'll try!

[Kevin grunts]

- Yeah, it's not
that easy, is it?

- No, it's not.

- Oh, my god.
- I can't, I can't breathe.

I don't think my lungs
are working properly.

- I mean, physics alone, I
don't know how this is possible.

- [Kevin] Fuck physics.

[Kevin sighs]

- You want some kale?

- No, man, I'm good.

I got filled up at home.

That's the good stuff, huh?

It's the tinder kale, son.

- Everyone's going vegan lately.

- You gotta, man.

Gotta be healthy, you know?

I got seaweed.

I got kale chips.

I got kidney beans.

Liver beans.

You know who I like?

And don't think I'm weird.

Jillian.

- No.

Come on.
[Mr. Grossman sighs]

- I've been trying to get
with her for a minute.

- Isn't that a
little inappropriate?

- Why?

'Cause she's a student
or 'cause she's dumb?

- I don't know, both?

- Well, I don't think it's
cool to not give her a chance

just 'cause she's stupid.

You know me, man, I'm
not one to discriminate.

That's not cool.

- [Ryan] Whatever
floats your boat, man.

- Doesn't matter.

She's not into me,
she's into young guys.

What is it about younger guys?

- Oh, it's the teenis.

The premature teenis.

- That's it.

Goddamn teen penis.

- Hey, you should just
keep trying, though,

'cause she might have some,
like, unresolved daddy issues.

- Oh, I hope so.

Think I should call her?

- Yeah.

See if she's got
some friends too.

- [Mr. Grossman]
All right, I will.

- Hey, if they're
fat, it's fine.

- All right.
- Or ugly.

- Okay.

- Or, like, sick,
that's fine too.

Just not, like, terminally sick.

But sick's okay.

- Got it.

- Okay, this isn't working.

- Hey, can I ask you something?

- What?

- Why do you have
a lock pick set?

- What do you mean?

- What do I mean, I mean, why
do you have a lock pick set?

- Well, I would
assume it's obvious.

- It's not, it's not obvious.

- Well, bro, these
girls, you know,

they like to flirt,
they like the attention,

so if you know where they live,

makes the game all the better.

- I mean, better, better how?

- Well, bro, if you know
where these girls live,

you can call them up and
see what they're doing,

and if they're just
making stuff up,

then maybe you go to their
house while they're at school,

fill their room up
with roses and candy.

It's a very useful tool.

- Okay, all right.

I mean, you know,
I noticed in class,

you've been doing reports
on serial killers.

You know, I know we always joke

like you're a serial
killer and stuff,

but you're not imitating

these guys, are you?
- Oh, no, bro.

I just write my
reports on these guys

because they use their
charm and charisma

to seduce these girls.

Now, knowing where they live,

it's just saves time
in seducing them.

It's very clever.

I feel like you're
not getting this.

- I'm not, I'm not getting this.

I mean, are you gonna
hurt these girls?

- Of course not!
- Okay, okay.

[leaves rustling]

- What was that?
[girl laughs]

- Do they have
somebody with them?

- Don't be ridiculous.

Who's got nothing better
to do than to come here

at this time of night?

[Mr. Grossman snarls]
- Mm.

- Roar.

- [Jillian] Mm.

- Oh, my god, we go to the
worst school in the world.

- What are you guys doing?

We gotta get the files.

- Oh, what's the difference?

Even if we do, Locatelli's
still gonna find

a way to suspend us.

It's over.

Who's gonna believe a bunch
of kids over a teacher?

- Hey, what about me?

- You're the worst teacher ever.

Your career is over and you
make out with stupid chicks.

- Earmuffs.

- Whoa, whoa, you
might be wrong.

- What, she's not stupid?

- Oh.
- Dude, not cool.

- No, no, she's clearly a moron.

But I think there's a way
we could not get suspended

and finish our project.

- How?!

- What if we stage a fire,
have you save Jillian,

and we capture it on camera?

- That's not authentic.

- Oh, news isn't
authentic anymore.

Everything's staged.

Even streaming can be edited.

- I guess we can
say we helped her.

I mean, who's gonna
arrest a bunch of heroes?

- All right, let's set

that mentally challenged
chick on fire.

[Ryan laughs]
- Whoa, whoa!

- Whoa, we don't have
to set her on fire.

We can just pretend
there was a fire

and then say we
pulled her out of it.

Just hope she doesn't get hurt.

- Well, if she does, I
saw some homeless guys

down the corner we
can just set on fire.

Oh!
- Dude.

- Too much?

I'm sorry, am I an asshole?

Every group has the asshole,
am I the asshole of the group?

Okay.

- Hey, look.

What's that?

- Can we steal this?

- Hey, I got an idea.

Hey, get that camera going.

- All right.

- Heave!
- Ho!

- Heave!
- Let's go.

- Push!
- Push, damn it, push!

- [Ryan] You can't do that,

you gotta put it
in reverse fist.

- Okay, come on.
[Kevin groans]

- [Kevin] Fuck you, go.

- Come on, you're almost--
- Push!

- [Ryan] I don't wanna!

- [Kevin] Just push,
you lazy bastard.

- [Ryan] I don't wanna.

- Put some effort into it.
- Heave!

- [Ryan] Fucking help, Steven.

- [Kevin] Steven, you bitch!

- Yeah, you bitch.

- [Ryan] Whore.

[Kevin groans]

- Good evening, Middle
Lake High School.

I'm here with Jillian,

currently investigating
some suspicious activity.

Let's stakeout on
this golf cart.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa--
- Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck me!

Fuck, no!
- Okay, I got it!

- Oh, fuck!
- I got it, I got it!

- Guys, guys, guys!
- I got it!

- I got no control!
- I'm filming it!

I'm filming it!
- What the fuck?!

Oh, shit!

[golf cart crashes]
[Kevin screams]

- [Ryan] You okay?

[Kevin groaning]

- I think I broke my dick.

- [Ryan] Does it hurt?

- What do you think?

[Kevin groans]
- Oh, man.

That looks really bad.

Did you get it on camera?

- Oh, yeah.
- Then we're good.

[Kevin groans]

- [Mr. Grossman] Eat this.

It'll help. Come on.

- [Kevin] This is
totally gonna scar.

- [Ryan] Just put some
Bengay on it, it'll be fine.

[hand slaps]

- So you boys ready to
go see the principal?

- All right, look, we
wanted one last chance

to reason with you, so
we have some footage

that you might be interested in.

- Oh, the three of you morons

running around school
grounds last night?

Don't act shocked.

I know it was you guys.

- Okay, okay.

Look, how about a bribe?

- A good old-fashioned bribe.

- Okay, I'm listening.

[bumbling music]

- No.

No.

The Hublot?

- [Steven] Well, that
worked out great.

- [Ryan] Yeah, things
always work out, don't they?

- Oh, fuck you.

[Ryan chuckles]
My favorite watch.

- What do you guys wanna do?

- We could go check on Dana,
make sure she's all right.

I feel kinda bad.

- Or we do something way better,

check out this new strip club.

They sell tacos.

- [All] Yeah!

[upbeat rock music]