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1
00:00:02,935 --> 00:00:06,042
Fuses in, wired up.
2
00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:08,106
I'm gonna try the horn.
Cover your ears, Mark.
3
00:00:09,741 --> 00:00:11,910
Aah!
4
00:00:15,814 --> 00:00:18,649
Dad, the horn is blinding me!
5
00:00:21,353 --> 00:00:23,260
Just a crossed wire, son.
6
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,262
That's what it's gonna
say on your tombstone -
7
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:27,830
"It was just a crossed wire."
8
00:00:27,860 --> 00:00:31,601
We've gotta get in the kitchen and start
making those cupcakes for the school carnival.
9
00:00:31,631 --> 00:00:33,716
Honey, there's one thing
you should know about men:
10
00:00:33,747 --> 00:00:35,571
We don't make cupcakes.
11
00:00:35,601 --> 00:00:38,508
Come on, you promised me
that you'd help me.
12
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:42,612
Another thing you should
know about men - We lie.
13
00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:45,248
Tim, I have thousands
of those things to make.
14
00:00:45,278 --> 00:00:48,518
I can't believe you're not gonna pitch
in and help with this carnival.
15
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,886
I did pitch in.
16
00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:52,088
Don't forget about
my "Stump The Tool Man" booth.
17
00:00:52,118 --> 00:00:53,423
How could I forget?
18
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:57,360
Last year, you kept getting
stumped by that 12-year-old.
19
00:00:57,390 --> 00:01:00,263
Did you get the cardboard
cutouts for the photo booth?
20
00:01:00,293 --> 00:01:02,698
Yeah, right over here.
21
00:01:02,728 --> 00:01:04,295
This is for the men...
22
00:01:08,133 --> 00:01:11,707
Maria! Maria!
23
00:01:11,737 --> 00:01:14,472
I can't itch my own back!
24
00:01:15,574 --> 00:01:17,275
And for the women...
25
00:01:20,679 --> 00:01:23,153
- Hi.
- It's lovely, Tim.
26
00:01:23,183 --> 00:01:26,917
Her thumb is on the wrong side of her
right hand, and she has no left arm.
27
00:01:29,288 --> 00:01:32,023
I didn't even notice
that she had any arms.
28
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:40,074
AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
29
00:02:42,461 --> 00:02:44,828
What do you think? Could we
put the kids in the middle?
30
00:02:50,369 --> 00:02:53,609
- Gotcha! Gotcha again!
- Gotcha back!
31
00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:54,918
What are you guys doing?
32
00:02:54,949 --> 00:02:59,015
We're doing our taxes.
What does it look like we are doing?
33
00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:00,283
I got winner.
34
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,185
I was here first.
I've got winner.
35
00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:04,287
No way we're playing you.
You stink.
36
00:03:04,317 --> 00:03:06,856
You stink even worse than Dad.
37
00:03:06,886 --> 00:03:10,393
Hey, a little respect.
I stink the most.
38
00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:12,295
I've seen Mark play.
He could beat you guys.
39
00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,563
No way. Gotcha!
40
00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:16,066
- Gotcha!
- How about a little wager?
41
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,868
If Mark beats the winner,
you both clean the basement.
42
00:03:18,898 --> 00:03:23,339
If you can beat him,
the movies all afternoon on me.
43
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:25,875
Kill!
44
00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:26,909
Well?
45
00:03:26,939 --> 00:03:29,045
I accept the challenge.
Have a seat.
46
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:31,147
One game, winner take all?
47
00:03:31,177 --> 00:03:33,478
You guys got your jockstraps on?
48
00:03:35,314 --> 00:03:36,819
All right, here we go.
49
00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:39,189
One, two, three, go!
50
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,923
- Go, go.
- What are you doing?
51
00:03:40,953 --> 00:03:43,093
Ha-ha!
52
00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,089
- Kill!
- I win!
53
00:03:51,330 --> 00:03:53,470
When you guys are down there
cleaning that basement,
54
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,134
don't touch those hot-rod magazines.
That's your inheritance.
55
00:03:58,903 --> 00:04:00,876
How could you let him beat you?
56
00:04:00,906 --> 00:04:03,674
I was overconfident.
I'm used to playing Dad.
57
00:04:05,144 --> 00:04:06,710
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Mom.
58
00:04:08,447 --> 00:04:11,020
- Hi, Jill.
- Hi.
59
00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,756
I just heard
the most depressing story.
60
00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:17,026
- I suppose you're gonna share it with me?
- Yes, I am.
61
00:04:17,056 --> 00:04:19,695
I've been researching
that article on plastic surgery.
62
00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:23,966
I just interviewed a woman who
bought herself a whole new body
63
00:04:23,996 --> 00:04:28,271
because her husband left her
for a younger woman.
64
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:31,369
They were married 12 years,
had four kids.
65
00:04:33,138 --> 00:04:35,111
She made a big mistake.
66
00:04:35,141 --> 00:04:37,380
I'm glad you feel that way.
67
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:41,579
Had she had this surgery some time ago,
she could have saved the marriage.
68
00:04:47,686 --> 00:04:49,692
You've come a long way, Tim.
69
00:04:49,722 --> 00:04:52,762
Listen, Jill... after 12 years
of marriage and all those kids,
70
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,098
women tend to let
themselves go, spread out.
71
00:04:56,128 --> 00:04:58,429
Most men aren't
as forgiving as I am.
72
00:05:02,267 --> 00:05:07,109
Excuse me. Did you say that you have
forgiven me for letting myself go?
73
00:05:07,139 --> 00:05:09,779
No, that's not what I said.
74
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:14,184
That is exactly what you said.
75
00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:16,419
Well, I didn't mean that.
76
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,216
What did you mean?
77
00:05:25,924 --> 00:05:29,365
I... I mean...
78
00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:32,996
those Tigers have a shot at the
pennant with good pitching this year.
79
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:37,440
Does everybody know
what time it is?
80
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:39,442
Tool Time!
81
00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:41,444
That's right. Binford Tools
is proud to present
82
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,974
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!
83
00:05:48,847 --> 00:05:51,987
Thank you, Heidi,
and welcome to Tool Time.
84
00:05:52,017 --> 00:05:53,489
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,
85
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:56,153
and you all know my assistant -
Al "Table For One" Borland.
86
00:05:57,756 --> 00:06:00,363
Need I remind you that I now
have a significant other?
87
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:03,566
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's Al "Table For Two" Borland.
88
00:06:03,596 --> 00:06:07,537
But if his mom's dining with him,
it's Al "Table For Seven" Borland.
89
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:11,335
"Al, where's the salad bar?"
90
00:06:12,904 --> 00:06:15,111
We're gonna show you
how to refinish a table today,
91
00:06:15,141 --> 00:06:17,714
and we'll show you the steps
necessary using these three tables,
92
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:20,750
all of which we bought
for $3 at a garage sale.
93
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,386
Actually, I bought them, and
you haven't reimbursed me yet.
94
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:26,322
Before we refinish, let's decide what
kind of wood we're dealing with.
95
00:06:26,352 --> 00:06:29,925
A simple pat underneath will tell you
if you're dealing with raw wood or -
96
00:06:29,955 --> 00:06:31,728
eww - old chewing gum.
97
00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:34,219
Al can actually determine what
flavor it is just by tasting it.
98
00:06:34,249 --> 00:06:35,931
Take a try.
99
00:06:35,961 --> 00:06:38,268
I don't think so, Tim.
100
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:41,638
Now, the underside of this
table has been painted,
101
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:43,706
so, Marv, if you wanna
come down here...
102
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:46,609
We're gonna chip away a little
bit of the paint there,
103
00:06:46,639 --> 00:06:48,611
find out what
we're dealing with.
104
00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:52,548
It's maple, one of my
favorite types of wood.
105
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:54,578
Yeah, and syrup. Ha-ha-ha.
106
00:06:57,349 --> 00:07:02,725
All right, so next step after
you've identified the type of wood
107
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,295
is, uh, stripping the wood.
108
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,330
Now, obviously,
we've stripped this side.
109
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,099
We used Insta-Strip by Binford.
110
00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:12,935
After you finish stripping,
acknowledge your applause,
111
00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:15,045
gather up your clothes
and head back to your trailer.
112
00:07:19,571 --> 00:07:22,645
All right, now we're ready
for sanding.
113
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:26,849
In this case, you wanna use
Binford's 6100 palm sander.
114
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:28,851
If you don't own a palm sander,
115
00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:30,853
use a sanding attachment
to any Binford drill.
116
00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,888
Don't use an attachment
on fine furniture
117
00:07:32,918 --> 00:07:35,257
because it will leave
unsightly swirl marks.
118
00:07:35,287 --> 00:07:36,854
- Says who?
- Everybody.
119
00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:40,630
And you listen
to what everybody says?
120
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,226
Unless it's you.
121
00:07:47,866 --> 00:07:49,839
I'll show you, Al.
I'll prove it to you.
122
00:07:49,869 --> 00:07:52,608
Heidi, my super-sander, please.
123
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:55,177
- Here you go, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.
124
00:07:55,207 --> 00:07:56,440
Thank you.
125
00:07:58,009 --> 00:08:00,244
Before you sand this table,
will you reimburse me?
126
00:08:08,219 --> 00:08:11,026
- It's stuck in the middle!
- Move it around!
127
00:08:11,056 --> 00:08:14,697
Don't leave it in one spot!
You'll wreck it!
128
00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:16,494
How do you know?
129
00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:27,977
Now all we need is a square peg.
130
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,774
Al, hop in!
131
00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:40,523
Whoa!
132
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:44,054
Check out this babe
on Dad's hot-rod magazine.
133
00:08:46,124 --> 00:08:48,831
Whoa. One question.
134
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:52,201
Who works on a car
in a bikini and high heels?
135
00:08:52,231 --> 00:08:55,132
I do. Oh!
136
00:08:58,169 --> 00:09:00,142
Unless I'm working
under the car.
137
00:09:00,172 --> 00:09:03,078
Then I go with
a halter top and flats.
138
00:09:03,108 --> 00:09:06,516
You're supposed to be working on the
basement, not gawking at my car magazines.
139
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,886
Dad, we've been working all morning.
We needed a babe break.
140
00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:12,054
Don't call her that.
She's got a name.
141
00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:14,724
Ohh...
142
00:09:14,754 --> 00:09:18,561
That's Miss Dual Exhaust 1984.
143
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:21,597
Get back to work, guys.
Let me do the gawking.
144
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:24,634
Well, you're allowed to gawk,
aren't you, Dad?
145
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:27,870
I don't gawk. I've got all the
babe I need right upstairs.
146
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,200
Does Mom know about her?
147
00:09:32,203 --> 00:09:37,413
All right, wise guy,
come here and look at these.
148
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:38,815
Who's that?
149
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:41,512
Whoa!
150
00:09:42,747 --> 00:09:44,987
She's a babe!
151
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,451
She's your mom!
152
00:09:50,321 --> 00:09:53,463
I just called my mom a babe.
153
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:56,499
Who's the good-looking guy
next to her in this picture?
154
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:59,769
That would be... not me.
155
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:03,205
There's a lot of "not you's"
in this box, Dad.
156
00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:06,542
The important thing is,
I'm with her now, beanhead.
157
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:10,480
Why would Mom pick you out of
all these good-looking guys?
158
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,682
I was good-looking
as these guys once.
159
00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:15,078
You had to be better looking
than that geek.
160
00:10:16,982 --> 00:10:19,984
I'd say that geek's
pretty good-looking, actually.
161
00:10:23,555 --> 00:10:26,023
The geek is Dad.
162
00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:37,840
This is what Tim picked
for the carnival.
163
00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:40,843
It figures.
That's what all men want.
164
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,879
Oh, no, not Al.
165
00:10:42,909 --> 00:10:46,248
Al too. Last time we went
miniature golfing,
166
00:10:46,278 --> 00:10:49,619
there was a woman ahead of us
wearing a skin-tight T-shirt.
167
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:53,050
It's the only time I've ever
seen Al go 28 over par.
168
00:10:54,719 --> 00:10:56,826
I'm so disillusioned.
169
00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:58,188
All right, let me try.
170
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,761
I bet you
those aren't even real.
171
00:11:06,765 --> 00:11:09,672
They're a lot more real than
some I've been seeing lately.
172
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:11,473
Excuse me?
173
00:11:11,503 --> 00:11:14,376
I'm doing research for that
article on plastic surgery.
174
00:11:14,406 --> 00:11:16,846
I even have this computer
program that shows you
175
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:19,982
how you can change your appearance.
You gotta see this.
176
00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:24,153
You can change your lips, your butt,
your thighs, your waist, anything.
177
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,789
Here, let me... Yeah, well...
178
00:11:26,819 --> 00:11:28,586
OK, watch this.
179
00:11:30,421 --> 00:11:32,695
That's amazing.
180
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:35,197
Now watch this. If you press B,
181
00:11:35,227 --> 00:11:38,862
your breasts just get bigger
and more torpedo-like.
182
00:11:39,931 --> 00:11:43,272
Ew, isn't that gross?
183
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,541
- Wow!
- What?
184
00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:47,209
Wow!
185
00:11:47,239 --> 00:11:50,373
Are you saying you think
I'd look good like that?
186
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,220
No. It was a general wow.
187
00:11:58,250 --> 00:11:59,989
General wow?
188
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:03,587
The famous Chinese military guy
- General Wow...
189
00:12:04,756 --> 00:12:07,196
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
190
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,231
You saw that picture of me
191
00:12:09,261 --> 00:12:11,166
and said "Wow" with your
tongue hanging out.
192
00:12:11,196 --> 00:12:15,638
I did not. You can't say "Wow"
with your tongue hanging out...
193
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:18,540
Wuhhhow.
194
00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:21,343
I guess this'd be a good time
for me to be going. Bye, Tim.
195
00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:23,779
Bye-bye. See you later.
196
00:12:23,809 --> 00:12:26,381
Thank you so much for helping me
with all the cupcakes.
197
00:12:26,411 --> 00:12:31,015
Yeah, I love cupcakes.
Big, ample cupcakes.
198
00:12:38,757 --> 00:12:40,763
Jill, you gotta see this.
199
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:43,074
Now I know why they call it
"the boob tube." Look at this.
200
00:12:45,263 --> 00:12:47,603
Tim, what are you doing?
201
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,036
I'm just playing around
with the thing.
202
00:12:49,066 --> 00:12:51,176
They look like hot-air balloons.
203
00:12:51,207 --> 00:12:54,110
You could travel around
the world with those.
204
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:55,973
Look out, honey,
they're gonna blow!
205
00:12:58,109 --> 00:13:00,650
Could you be any more obnoxious?
206
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,685
Is that a request? I'm just
playing with the thing.
207
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,287
Tim, there are women whose
self-esteem is so low,
208
00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:07,957
they're actually doing this
to their bodies.
209
00:13:07,987 --> 00:13:10,660
That is horrible. Sorry.
210
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,890
Now, how would I make
your butt a little smaller?
211
00:13:19,898 --> 00:13:21,965
Maybe I'll just sleep
down here tonight.
212
00:13:26,237 --> 00:13:28,477
I thought you're done with your research.
Why is the computer hooked up?
213
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:31,613
Come over here.
I want you to see something.
214
00:13:31,643 --> 00:13:33,615
Hey, there's a good-looking guy.
215
00:13:33,645 --> 00:13:36,018
Here.
216
00:13:36,048 --> 00:13:42,725
Take this keyboard and show me
what you think is my ideal Tim.
217
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,493
Sounds like fun.
What do I gotta do?
218
00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:46,929
You hit D for delts,
B for biceps,
219
00:13:46,959 --> 00:13:49,665
W for waist, P for pecs.
220
00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:52,129
Are you sure P is for pecs?
221
00:13:54,966 --> 00:13:57,067
Just press the P.
222
00:14:01,272 --> 00:14:05,181
There we go. "The Timinator."
223
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:07,883
You are so far off.
224
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:11,148
Let me show you my ideal Tim.
225
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:16,192
That's it?
226
00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,227
Yeah.
227
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:22,231
Tim... it's you
that I find sexy.
228
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:24,299
And whatever changes
that you go through,
229
00:14:24,329 --> 00:14:26,668
I'm gonna find those sexy, too.
230
00:14:26,698 --> 00:14:28,866
Even if you look like this.
231
00:14:39,477 --> 00:14:41,906
- Yikes.
- Or this.
232
00:14:48,019 --> 00:14:52,689
OK, I've told you how I feel.
I wanna know how you feel.
233
00:14:54,259 --> 00:14:55,965
Do you want me the way
I look now,
234
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:58,000
or would you like me
to get my tummy tucked,
235
00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:00,936
my face lifted
and breasts enlarged?
236
00:15:00,966 --> 00:15:03,139
The way you are now.
237
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:04,902
Thank you.
238
00:15:11,309 --> 00:15:12,681
Hey.
239
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:14,283
Just out of curiosity...
240
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:18,916
what would the other version cost us,
the whole package, out the door?
241
00:15:27,658 --> 00:15:30,493
Maybe I should
just live down here.
242
00:15:36,201 --> 00:15:38,407
Something burning
out here, Wilson?
243
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,575
No need to be alarmed, Tim.
244
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:43,078
I'm just smoking a fish.
245
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,681
Regular or menthol?
246
00:15:45,711 --> 00:15:49,218
No, no, Tim. I'm curing
an Alaskan salmon.
247
00:15:49,248 --> 00:15:51,720
My only concern is
what wine to have it with.
248
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:55,157
Love to help you,
but I got a concern of my own.
249
00:15:55,187 --> 00:15:59,161
It started with me turning Jill's
breasts into hot-air balloons
250
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,230
and getting
kind of excited about it.
251
00:16:01,260 --> 00:16:03,265
I think you've finally
found a problem
252
00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:05,067
that's out of my realm
of expertise.
253
00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:07,336
No, you don't understand.
254
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:09,338
She had this computer simulation
255
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:12,507
that showed some cosmetic surgeon's
alterations to her body.
256
00:16:12,537 --> 00:16:15,377
It reminded me of when she was
young, when I first met her.
257
00:16:15,407 --> 00:16:17,046
I kinda liked it.
258
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:22,985
Then, like a bonehead, I asked what it
would cost to overhaul her whole body.
259
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:26,222
Whoa, major faux pas.
260
00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:28,790
Major Faux Pas...
261
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:32,689
Was he in the same campaign
as General Wow?
262
00:16:34,492 --> 00:16:36,999
Tim, I'm not familiar
with General Wow,
263
00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:39,596
but your situation reminds me
of The Naked Ape.
264
00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,473
That is the one exactly, Tim.
265
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:49,044
You see, The Naked Ape is a book
which theorizes that men, like apes,
266
00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:51,747
are instinctively drawn
to younger, more fertile women
267
00:16:51,777 --> 00:16:53,782
in order to propagate
the species.
268
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,951
What's Mrs. Naked Ape
attracted to?
269
00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:58,153
Unlike the male of the species,
270
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,823
she instinct is be attracted to
someone older and more experienced.
271
00:17:01,853 --> 00:17:04,693
Someone with more wisdom,
sensitivity.
272
00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:07,229
Wait a minute.
273
00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:11,100
What you're saying is if I explain
to Jill it was my instincts talking,
274
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:12,801
I'd be off the hook.
275
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:15,304
No, no, no, no, Tim.
276
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:18,173
What I'm trying to say is you have to
learn to understand your instincts,
277
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,742
and then you won't be on the
hook in the first place.
278
00:17:20,772 --> 00:17:23,240
Oh, yeah, sure. That'd be good.
279
00:17:24,875 --> 00:17:27,116
Yesterday, we told you how to
take an old beat-up table
280
00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:29,151
and turn it into fine furniture.
281
00:17:29,181 --> 00:17:31,982
Unfortunately, Tim turned it
into less valuable sawdust.
282
00:17:33,751 --> 00:17:36,858
Luckily, Al was able
to buy us a new table.
283
00:17:36,888 --> 00:17:38,794
I did not buy this table.
284
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,229
But don't be too surprised
285
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:43,332
if it shows up
on your credit-card bill.
286
00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:46,402
A lot of us have tables
like this around the house.
287
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:48,938
A little beat-up, scratches,
stains all over it.
288
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,530
That's right. So what you
wanna do is sand it down...
289
00:17:51,561 --> 00:17:54,709
with a normal-size sander.
290
00:17:54,739 --> 00:17:57,779
Refinish it, you'll have
yourself a brand-new table.
291
00:17:57,809 --> 00:17:59,781
I can't do this to this table.
292
00:17:59,811 --> 00:18:01,951
It's all right, Tim. I'll do it.
293
00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:04,747
No. I am surprised and shocked
that you're so superficial.
294
00:18:05,816 --> 00:18:07,689
What? You're superficial!
295
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:10,287
Maybe on the surface.
296
00:18:13,191 --> 00:18:15,364
Tool Time isn't just about
home improvement.
297
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:18,400
It's also about
male improvement.
298
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:21,070
You see, man, by nature,
299
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,567
is just a naked ape,
chain-smoking salmon.
300
00:18:27,372 --> 00:18:29,511
Our instincts would be
to make this table new,
301
00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:32,547
make it look new with plastic
filler in all the nicks.
302
00:18:32,577 --> 00:18:36,952
What we should do is learn to appreciate
the natural beauty inherent in this wood,
303
00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:41,156
and over the years, it's become nothing
but deeper, richer and warmer.
304
00:18:41,186 --> 00:18:43,425
And more interesting.
305
00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,160
What are you saying, Tim?
306
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:48,091
I'm saying this table
is perfect the way it is.
307
00:18:50,495 --> 00:18:53,397
So our project today is to stand
here and stare at this table.
308
00:18:56,534 --> 00:18:59,074
No. We could pour oil on it,
309
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:02,539
rub it affectionately and show
the table how we love it.
310
00:19:04,608 --> 00:19:06,209
Rub with me, Al.
311
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,932
I think I got him cornered.
312
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:26,068
I think you're right.
313
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:28,131
Kiss this game goodbye.
314
00:19:31,235 --> 00:19:32,741
Checkmate.
315
00:19:32,771 --> 00:19:34,037
Goodbye.
316
00:19:37,808 --> 00:19:39,781
The dustpan and broom
are in the closet,
317
00:19:39,811 --> 00:19:42,884
and you know where the attic is.
318
00:19:42,914 --> 00:19:44,719
Aw, man!
319
00:19:44,749 --> 00:19:47,456
You guys keep losing to Mark, we'll
have this whole house cleaned up.
320
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:49,124
Dad, do you wanna play chess?
321
00:19:49,154 --> 00:19:51,993
You do not wanna play
your old man in chess.
322
00:19:52,023 --> 00:19:53,128
Why not?
323
00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:56,765
Because I don't know
how to play chess.
324
00:19:56,795 --> 00:20:00,569
Never mind. I'll go and play
with my computer.
325
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:01,798
OK.
326
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:06,908
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.
327
00:20:06,938 --> 00:20:08,910
- Hi.
- Hi.
328
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,513
- Did you watch Tool Time today?
- No.
329
00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:14,049
Too bad. We had a table on
that reminded me of you.
330
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:17,586
Why, was it big, flat,
old and dented?
331
00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:19,754
Actually, it was quite lovely.
332
00:20:19,784 --> 00:20:21,890
Its warmth and color
and character
333
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,493
made it even more beautiful
than when it was new.
334
00:20:24,523 --> 00:20:26,495
Al wanted to refinish it,
335
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:30,594
but I really liked that table
just the way it was.
336
00:20:36,601 --> 00:20:41,110
Oh, Tim... It's gorgeous.
337
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:44,874
Just like you.
It expands in the middle.
338
00:20:50,148 --> 00:20:53,955
Not like you. It has extra
leaves, so if we have company...
339
00:20:53,985 --> 00:20:56,052
Thank you.
340
00:20:58,356 --> 00:21:00,262
You said you wanted one
for a long time.
341
00:21:00,292 --> 00:21:03,565
No, I don't mean just
thank you for the table.
342
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:08,604
I mean, thank you for listening and
understanding what I was saying.
343
00:21:08,634 --> 00:21:11,607
I had one of the computer guys at
work help me with that program.
344
00:21:11,637 --> 00:21:14,574
- Oh, no.
- Oh, come on, come on.
345
00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:15,692
Sit down.
346
00:21:18,242 --> 00:21:21,878
Let's see if I remember.
This is us...
347
00:21:27,685 --> 00:21:29,558
That's us?
348
00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:32,561
That's us in 2446.
349
00:21:32,591 --> 00:21:34,429
So we're, what,
400-some years old?
350
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,765
450 years old.
351
00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:38,761
That's why we're not movin'.
352
00:21:41,566 --> 00:21:43,572
No matter how paunchy
or wrinkly we get,
353
00:21:43,602 --> 00:21:46,102
we're still gonna be together
and love each other.
354
00:21:48,772 --> 00:21:52,113
So I guess that just proves
that love is blind.
355
00:21:52,143 --> 00:21:53,448
And there's good news.
356
00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:56,346
Our 425-year-old kids
have finally left the house.
357
00:21:58,683 --> 00:22:01,423
So we can just sit around
naked all day.
358
00:22:01,453 --> 00:22:03,858
No, that is a pretty picture.
359
00:22:03,888 --> 00:22:07,090
Two wrinkled-up old prunes
just lying around together.
360
00:22:15,733 --> 00:22:17,667
Come on, make your move.
361
00:22:19,169 --> 00:22:20,637
I'm working on it.
362
00:22:26,611 --> 00:22:30,380
If chess is too hard for you, you
could go back to tick-tack-toe.
363
00:22:32,350 --> 00:22:34,623
I'm thinking.
364
00:22:34,653 --> 00:22:38,026
Dad, you've been thinking
for half an hour.
365
00:22:38,056 --> 00:22:40,457
That's a record for your father.
366
00:22:43,994 --> 00:22:45,962
Eat my dust.
367
00:22:50,334 --> 00:22:51,973
Checkmate.
368
00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:54,304
Dust my house.
369
00:23:03,748 --> 00:23:06,087
We'll show you the process
on these other two tables
370
00:23:06,117 --> 00:23:08,757
that we all bought for $5
at a garage sale.
371
00:23:08,787 --> 00:23:11,107
Actually, I bought them, Tim.
You haven't re-bursed me yet.
372
00:23:18,829 --> 00:23:22,332
If chess is too hard for you, you
could go back to tick-back-toe.
372
00:23:23,305 --> 00:23:29,480
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