All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 316 - The Colonel

You know, Tool Time is not
just about home improvement.

It's also
about male improvement.

So, continuing
our male improvement series,

Al and I are gonna talk
about men and their shoes.

That's right. We'll be delving
into shoe repair and shoe shining.

Not to mention shoe trees.

And shoehorns.

Anyway, here's a pair
of wing tips over here

that have certainly seen
better days.

Now, when you have
a shoe this damaged,

you wanna take it down to the original
leather using rubbing alcohol.

Then for the rough spots,
use a little leather dye.

Polish her up, you got
a shoe as good as new.

Remember, when you're using shoe
polish, use a little bit of water.

- It'll make that shine really spectacular.
- That's right.

Then you wanna buff it
with a cloth diaper.

Make sure you remove
the baby first, though.

This will give your shoe
a sheen for sure.

You don't shay.

All right, now, Tim,

what were to happen if we have
a brand-new pair of shoes

and the leather is hard
and uncomfortable?

Ooh, that could be a big problem

if you had feet like Al's mom.

Well, for shoes like this,

my mother always used
Binford's leather softener.

But that
turns your new hard shoes

into the old soft shoe. Klaus?

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Ah.

Thanks, but enough
of that foolishness.

Let's get on with the next
part of the shoe repair.

Tim, do you call that
a soft shoe?

It was a joke, Al.
Anyway... Klaus?

Oh, Don?

What do you think? Should we
put the kids in the middle?

All right, Randy,
I'm ready to teach you

the most important skill
in hockey.

- Fighting.
- No, goaltending.

Are you sure this is gonna help?

- Positive.
- It can't hurt.

Last week you gave up 14 goals.

15.

No, 15 is what you got
on your math test.

Give it a rest, guys, OK?

Now, this is the Tim Taylor
authorized puck chucker.

Move out of the way, please.
Put your mask down.

Remember what I taught you.

This thing shoots
at incredible speed.

Whoa.

That thing is incredible.

Good thing he's wearing padding.

I gotta get
the instruction book out.

Once I get the instructions,

we'll see how many pucks this
hockey-puck chucker can chuck.

If the puck chucker
could chuck pucks.

Shouldn't your dad be here?

You know the colonel.

If he says he'll be here
at 1700 hours,

he means 1700 hours sharp.

- 1700 hours.
- What time is that again?

5:00. I've been trying to teach
you military time for 15 years.

Now, listen to this.

You subtract 12 if it's a
double-digit number greater than 12.

If it's a single-digit number,
it's the actual time.

If it's a double-digit number
that's less than or equal to 12,

that's also the actual time.

- Have you got that?
- Yeah.

Hmm.

I wish your mom was coming.
At least she speaks civilian.

Me too. She said she needed
a break from Dad.

She wants to have one week

where she doesn't have to get up
before dawn and raise the flag.

Oh, he's here, he's here!

All right!

- Hey, Dad.
- Daddy!

Hello, sweetheart!

How's my little girl?

Great. I'm so happy to see you.

Do you still live here?

Colonel, good to see you. I see
the Lincoln's running well.

Oh, got me up here
all the way from Texas.

I tell you,
'61 was a vintage year.

You should've bought one
the day they came out.

I would've, sir, but I was six.

That's no excuse.

Hey, we're getting Tool Time
on the satellite.

That's what Nana told us.

I don't watch it, but we get it.

Just kidding.
You know I love Tool Time.

- Would you like a drink?
- Water, straight from the tap.

None of that
hippy bottled stuff.

Say, did you get the tickets
to the guns and knives show?

Guns and knives?

I thought you wanted
to see Guns 'N Roses.

What?

It's a joke. It's a joke.

- Ah, you're a great kidder.
- Let me put you up in Mark's room.

- There are the kids.
- Grandpa!

There's my troops! Attention!

At ease.

Ah, hair's getting
a little long.

Maybe later we'll all go
for crew cuts.

Yeah, right.

- What did you say?
- Um, nothing, sir.

Grandpa, what did you bring us?

Hey, hey, come on, Mark.
Where are your manners?

Hey, what's a grandfather for?

I got you guys a special treat.

Shrapnel.

Cool. Let's go show Jeremy.

Hey, watch it with that stuff.
It's sharp.

You bet it's sharp.

That shrapnel was removed from my...
Forget where it was removed from.

You gave the boys shrapnel?
What did you give me?

I gave you my daughter.

Yeah, you're right, sir,

but I'm kinda tired
of playing with that gift.

You know, Tim, about you
always calling me "sir..."

Yeah?

I like it.

No, actually I do have something
for the both of you.

His-and-her bazookas.

Better.

I wrote a book about my
experiences in the military.

- I got a copy for each of you.
- Hefty.

Dad, you wrote a book.
This is great.

If Schwarzkopf can do it,
any bum can.

You know, I thought, you know,
since you work at the magazine,

you could read it
and if you like it,

you might pass it along to some
of your friends in publishing.

Oh, Dad, I'm so excited.
I can't wait to read it.

And I can't wait to have you
tell me what you thought of it.

Now, what time's dinner?

2300 hours, sir.

That's 11pm.

We eat late.

- Are you enjoying it?
- A lot of facts.

- Yeah, it's so detailed.
- Tremendous detail.

- And it's not flowery.
- Oh, no flowers here.

No, just page after page
of detail.

Can't go wrong with details.

It's boring, isn't it?

It's mind-numbing.

I thought this was gonna be
more of a story,

but there's nothing in there

but tactics
and military strategy.

What are we going to tell him?

- Tell him the truth.
- Oh, sure. You know my dad.

He hears bad news, he hits
the roof, then he sulks,

then he doesn't wanna
talk about it anymore,

and then the whole thing
remains unresolved.

He can take it. He's a tough guy.
He gives shrapnel as gifts.

No way. I cannot ever tell him.

- Why not?
- When I do something you don't like,

you don't hold back on me.

I've held back
lots of things from you, Tim.

Back the truth trolley up here
a little bit.

What kind of things
don't you let me know?

Oh, where shall I start?

With one.

OK. You know
that green suit you bought?

That wasn't green.
That was more of a pistachio.

You said it was stunning.

What was stunning was that
you could walk into a store

and actually walk out
with that suit.

We got the machine
up and running.

You're gonna operate it
from back here.

- Remember what I told you.
- All right.

I'll give you the pointers now.

The most important thing
about being a goalie...

is that these things hurt!

Sorry, Dad.

A good goalie is always
prepared, all right?

Hey. Hey! Hey!

I saw where
you're aiming that thing.

All right, stand in.

Dad, I can't. We ran out of pucks.
I need to reload.

All right, reload.

Dad, when is Grandpa getting up?

Uh, let's see. He went
to bed at 2300 hours.

He wanted nine hours of sleep.

That's 3200...

minus 12.

You add that up.

Uh...

20 o'clock.

Remember, when Dad comes down
and asks how we liked the book,

we tell him that we loved it.

If you wanna lie to your
dad, that's your business.

I don't wanna lie.

That's just how we do things
in my family.

Would it make you feel better
if I told him the truth?

Oh, honey, that is so sweet.

I should be the one
to tell him, though.

Great.

But since I can't...

Jill... Well...

Jill, listen to me.

Look, what if
I get the ball rolling

and you just jump in
when you feel comfortable?

- That might work.
- Sure it will.

I'll tell him how I feel about it,
and then you just back me up.

But you have to promise
to be tactful.

Have I ever been
anything but tactful?

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Daddy, how'd you sleep?

Oh, great. But I'm starting
to grow out of Mark's bed.

- Coffee?
- Oh, I'd love some.

- So, did you read my book?
- I'll get the coffee.

Yes. Yes, we did read the book.

So what did you think
of it, honey?

Would you like eggs or waffles?

Eggs.

There's a lot
of good stuff in there.

Oh, yeah, a lot.

It's a tad bit wordy.

You know, in a good way.

A writer's
supposed to use words.

What do you want - pictures?

Could've helped it a little.

What was so odd -
you have a book,

and there's no people in it.

This is a book about policy and
objectives and how to win a war.

You don't wanna clutter that up
with a lot of people.

Good point.

Writing a book about war,

you don't wanna talk
about people.

What are you trying
to tell me, Tim -

that you had mixed feelings
about my book?

I wouldn't say that.

You wouldn't know
good literature

if it bit you in the butt.

Well, honey, I... I think
I've gotten that ball rolling

about as far as it's gonna go.

Why don't you jump in

and tell your dad what
you thought of the book?

- Honey?
- Jill?

Loved it. It's the best book
I ever read.

So, can I get you
something else?

Would you like
a slice of coffeecake?

Sure. Just use the knife
you stuck in my back.

Can't believe you sold me out.

Tim, you're overreacting.

What I know
is that I tell the truth

and I come out like the bad guy.

How can you be so selfish?

What?

This whole thing
is between me and my father,

and all you care about
is how you come off?

What?

I think you could be a little more
supportive in a situation like this.

- Supportive about...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I-I appreciate you defending me,

but he's entitled
to his opinion.

- Thank you.
- Even though we both know he's wrong.

Let's face it, Tim,
you have no taste.

Tim has wonderful taste.

Oh, yeah? Remember
that green suit he wore

to your sister's wedding?

It wasn't green,
it was avocado, almost melon.

So, uh, when are you
going to bring my book

to your publisher?

Well, you know, Dad,

I think that, um,
she's kinda busy right now.

She's out of town, in fact.

Well, who's the number two in command?
We'll speak to him instead.

Oh, Dad, he's not gonna want
to talk to me.

He doesn't even know
I work there.

Then this could be your opportunity
to put yourself on the map.

Dad, I couldn't... use you
to further my career.

Nonsense.

Now, we'll go down there
first thing tomorrow morning

and show them my book.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

Because I wasn't totally honest
with you before.

Daddy, this is really hard
for me to say, but...

the book is...
is just really not very good.

- Then why'd you say you loved it?
- That's what you wanted to hear.

Don't tell me what I wanted to hear.
I want to hear the truth!

Well, I'm telling it to you now.

Fine! You didn't like the book.

I'm gonna get the boys.
We'll be back at 1300 hours.

What time is that?

It's 1:00!

Why is that so difficult
for you to understand?

Every private in the army gets
it by the end of the first day!

Daddy, I'm really sorry
that I upset you, but...

I'm not upset! If I were
upset I'd be yelling!

I remember now. The salesman said
that suit was a loden heather.

- Wilson?
- Huh?

Hi-de-ho, neighborette.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just trying to read
this extremely lengthy tome

that your father gave me.

Why are you doing it out here?
It's freezing cold.

Well, I tried reading inside,
but I kept falling asleep.

Tim and I tried to talk to him about
it today, but he just got real upset.

There are those people that don't
respond well to criticism.

- Yeah, and some of 'em yell.
- Mm.

- You remember that movie Old Yeller?
- Mm-hmm.

When it came out,
we thought it was about Daddy.

That must have been difficult
to grow up with.

Yeah, it was.

That's why we had
this house policy

never to upset him.

I always tried to follow that
rule, but today I couldn't.

So, you're feeling
that telling him the truth

was a mistake?

I've always
really adored my father.

You know,
I don't wanna do anything

to hurt that relationship.

You mean the relationship where
you don't tell him the truth?

Yeah, that would be the one.

I don't know.

I mean, look what happened
when I told him the truth.

Maybe I should have
just kept my mouth shut.

Well, George Bernard Shaw
wouldn't have thought so.

He said we must not stay
as we are,

doing always
what was done last time,

or we shall stick in the mud.

Well, I'm stuck in something deep
here, Wilson, but it ain't mud.

So, I'm standing there in Korea

right on the 38th parallel,

when who taps me
on the shoulder?

General Douglas MacArthur.

Who?

Your father never told you
about General MacArthur?

No, but he told me
about General Motors.

Well, this guy was even bigger.

So we're standing there,

and what do you think
he hands me?

- An apple?
- A grenade.

You know how to throw
one of these things, son?

You grip it in your right hand,

you pull the pin with your teeth

and you let it fly.

No throwing grenades
in the house, Mark.

How'd you know what it was?

You kidding? I grew up
with fruit ammunition.

Honey, um,
would you go upstairs?

- I wanna talk to Grandpa.
- OK.

Can I talk to you
for a minute, Dad?

About what?
And don't say the book.

I wish you wouldn't take
my criticism personally.

- I said I don't wanna talk about the book.
- Well, I do.

Where do you get off
criticizing me

in the first place?

What do you know
about the military?

You see, this is why
I didn't wanna tell you.

I knew you would overreact.
You always do.

That's why nobody can
ever tell anything

What are you talking about?

When we were growing up, we weren't allowed
to tell you anything that might upset you.

Oh, really? Then why the
hell was I upset so much?

Dad, you didn't know half of
what was going on in that house.

- I knew everything.
- Oh, you did, did you?

OK, did you know
that when I was in high school

when I said I was going
on that all-girl ski weekend,

I really went to a peace march in
Washington with Tommy Burnett?

Tommy the commie?

I don't wanna know it.

You see? You wanna be kept
in the dark.

Some things
are better left unsaid.

Maybe for you, 'cause then you
could have the same order at home

that you had at the base,
but we're not your soldiers.

Damn right. My soldiers
were under control.

Then I'd come home to your
mother and you five girls,

and I never knew
what the hell was going on!

Dad...

I love you so much,

and there were a million times
that I needed to talk to you,

but I felt like I couldn't.

I always thought
I was pretty easy to talk to.

Well, you're not.

Well, we're talking now.

Yeah.

Look, honey, I'm sorry
I chewed your head off

about the book.

I'm sorry
I didn't like the book,

but I'm glad that I had the
guts to tell you the truth.

If you look at it in this light,
it's more of a lima bean, isn't it?

Hi. Hey, what are you doing?

This thing's too easy for Randy,

so I tweaked it up a little bit.

Oh... I hate when you say
that word "tweak."

It makes my hackles go up.

I love when your hackles go up.

Where's your dad?

It's 20 degrees outside, and he's
out there futzing with the Lincoln.

Watch how hard
this thing hits the net now.

Randy's gonna be a great goalie.
Watch the top-left corner.

My car!

It was Jill!

Fine. You didn't like the book.

I'll go pick up the boys.
We'll be back at 13 hours.

1300 hours!

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