All language subtitles for Juno.2007.720p.BluRay.DTS.x264-ESiR.english

It started with a chair.

I've wanted this
for a really long time.

I know.

Wizard.

Jeez Banana,
shut your freakin' gob OK?

This is the most magnificent discarded
living room set I've ever seen.

Well, well, if it isn't
MacGuff the Crime Dog.

Back for another test?

I think the first one was defective,

The plus sign looks more like a
division symbol, so I remain unconvinced.

Third test today, Momma Bear, your
eggo's preggo, no doubt about it.

It's really easy to tell,
is your nipples real brown?

Yeah, maybe your little boyfriend's
got mutant sperms, knocked you up twice.

Silencio, old man. Look, I just drank my
weight in SunnyD and I gotta go pronto.

Well, you know where the lavatory is.

Pay for that pee stick when you're done.

Don't think it's yours just 'cause
you marked it with your urine.

What's the prognosis,
Fertile Myrtle: Minus or plus?

I don't know, it's not seasoned yet.

I'll take some of these.

There it is.

The little pink plus sign is so unholy.

That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch, this is one
doodle that can't be undid, homeskillet.

Yo-yo-yiggity-yo.

I'm a suicide risk.

Juno?

No, it's Morgan Freeman, do you
have any bones that need collecting?

Only the one in my pants.

I'm pregnant.

What? Honest to blog?

Yeah, it's Bleeker's.

It's probably just a food
baby, did you have a big lunch?

This is not a food baby, I've taken three
pregnancy tests and I am fo' shiz up the spout.

How did you even generate enough pee for
three pregnancy tests? That's amazing.

I don't know, I drank
like ten tons of SunnyD.

I'm telling you I'm pregnant and
you're acting shockingly cavalier.

Is this for real?
Like for real for real?

Unfortunately yes.

Oh, my God!

Oh shit! Phuket Thailand!

That was kind of the emotion that I
was searching for on the first take.

Are you going to
Havenbrook or Women Now?

You need a note from your
parents for Havenbrook.

Yeah, I know. No, I'm going to go to Women
Now, just 'cause they help out women now.

Do you want me to call for you?
Because I called for Becky last year.

No, I can call myself.

Oh, but I do need your help with
something, it's like critically important.

You know, heavy lifting can
really only help you at this point.

Seriously.

So, you were bored? That's how
this blessed miracle came to be?

No, the act was premeditated. I mean, the
sex, not the whole "let's get pregnant" thing.

So, when did you decide that
you were gonna do Bleeker?

I don't know.

A year ago in Spanish class.

You love him.

It's actually really complicated, OK?

And I don't feel like talking
about it in my fragile state.

So what was it like?

Humping Bleek's bony bod?

Magnificent.

Hey, Bleek.

Wicked tiger.

It looks proud.

I swiped it from Ms. Rancick's lawn.

Wow, your shorts are like
especially gold today.

My mom uses color-safe bleach.

Go Carole.

I'll tell her.

When I see them all running like that, with
their things bouncing around in their shorts,

I always picture them naked, even if I
don't want to, all I see is pork swords.

I'm supposed to be running.

So guess what.

What? I don't know.

I'm pregnant.

What should we do?

Oh, you know, I was thinking I'd just
nip it in the bud before it gets worse.

Because they were talking
about it in health class,

how pregnancy can
often lead to an infant.

Typically, yeah, yeah.

That's what happens when our
moms and teachers get pregnant.

So, you're cool with that then?

Yeah, yeah, wizard. You know,

do whatever you think
you should do, you know?

Well, I'm sorry I had sex with you,

I know it wasn't your idea.

Whose idea was it?

I'll see you at school, alright?

Whose idea was it?

Hey, your book fell apart.

Right.

It must have looked at your face.

The funny thing is that Steve
Rendazo secretly wants me.

Jocks like him always want freaky girls.

Girls with horn-rimmed glasses
and vegan footwear and Goth makeup.

Girls who play the cello
and read McSweeney's and

want to be children's
librarians when they grow up.

Oh yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.

They just won't admit
it, because they're

supposed to be into perfect
cheerleaders you know,

Like Leah, who incidentally
is into teachers.

Me too, I love Woody Allen!

Alright people.

We're doing chromatography
lab today, so find

your partners and break
into groups of four.

Well, there's nothing
like experimenting.

I did the prep questions
for this lab last night,

so you can just copy
my answers if you want.

I couldn't copy your work.

You copy my work every week.

True, I'm kind of a deadbeat
lab partner, aren't I?

No, no, I don't mind. I think you
definitely bring something to the table.

Charisma.

Who's ready for some chromamagnificence?

I have a menstrual migraine, so I can't
really look at bright lights today.

Amanda, I told you to go to the
infirmary and lie down. You never listen.

No, Josh, because I don't take orders.
Not from you and not from any man.

You know, you've been
acting like this ever since

I got back from visiting
my brother in Mankato.

I already told you, nothing happened.

Well, I'm gonna set up the apparatus.

Juno, do you want to
plug in the Bunsen burner?

It's my pleasure.

I'm going to the infirmary.

Good. Call me when you get off the rag.

Fine, call me when you
learn how to love someone,

instead of cheating at
your brother's college,

Just because you've had
four Smirnoff Ices and

a bottle of Snow Peak
Peach flavored Boone's!

Good, Amanda, I'll be sure to
do that, I'll make a note of it.

I've actually heard that the Snow Peak
Peach flavor is the best flavor of Boone's.

Isn't that right, Bleek?

Oprimo numero dos.

Yeah, I'm just calling to
procure a hasty abortion.

What?

Can you just hold on for a
second, I'm on my hamburger phone.

Okay, now I can,

Yeah, it's really awkward to talk on.

Yeah, I need an abortion.

Sixteen.

I'm gonna say it's been about two
months and four days since the sex,

Mind you, that's just
like a guestimation.

Sorry, how long have I been what?

Oh, I hate it when adults use
the term "sexually active".

What does it even mean?

Can I deactivate someday, or is
this a permanent state of being?

I guess Bleeker went
live that night we did it,

I guess that's why he
got that look on his face.

You should have seen this
octopus furnace at work.

I had to get out my Hazmat
suit just to get into the thing.

My dad used to be in the Army, but now
he's just your average HVAC specialist.

He and my mom got
divorced when I was five,

She lives on a Havasu
reservation in Arizona

with her new husband and
three replacement kids.

Oh, and she inexplicably mails
me a cactus every Valentine's Day.

And I'm like, Thanks
a heap, Coyote Ugly.

This cactus-gram stings even
worse than your abandonment.

That's my stepmom, Bren, she's
completely obsessed with dogs.

Owns a nail salon and always
smells like methylmethacrylate.

So Juno, how was your
little maneuver last night?

Which maneuver, sir? The one where I moved an
entire living room set from one lawn to the other,

or the one where I downed a sixty-four
ounce blue slushie in ten minutes?

Juno, did you by any
chance barf in my urn?

Mac, you know that nice urn by the front
door, the one I got up in Stillwater?

There was some blue shit,

I mean, gunk, stuff
in there this morning.

I would never barf in your urn, Brenda.

I mean, maybe L.B. did it.

Liberty Bell, if you put one more Baco on that
potato, I'm gonna kick your little monkey butt.

All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!

All babies want to get borned!

Hey Su-Chin.

Hi, Juno.

How are you?

You know, pretty solid.

So did you write that
paper for Worth's class yet?

No, not yet.

I tried to work on it a little last night,
but I'm having trouble concentrating.

I'll sell you some of my Adderall.

No thanks, I'm off pills.

That's a wise choice 'cause I knew
this girl, she had this crazy freakout.

She took too many behavioral meds at
once and she ripped off her clothes

and dove into the fountain at Ridgedale Mall
like, Blaaaaah! I'm a kraken from the sea!

I heard that was you.

It was good seeing you, Su-Chin.

Your baby probably has a
beating heart, you know?

It can feel pain,

And it has fingernails.

Fingernails? Really?

Welcome to Women Now, where
women are trusted friends.

Please put your hands where I can
see them and surrender any bombs.

Hey, I'm here for the big show.

Your name, please?

Juno MacGuff.

She thinks I'm using a fake name.
Like Gene Simmons or Mother Teresa.

I need you to fill
these out, both sides.

We need to know about
every score and every sore.

Would you like a free condom?

They're boysenberry.

No, I'm off sex.

My boyfriend uses them every
time we have intercourse.

They make his jocks smell like pie.

All babies want to get borned!
All babies want to get borned!

God appreciates your miracle!

Dude, what are you doing here?

I'm supposed to come get you at four.

I couldn't do it, Leah!

It smelled like a
dentist office in there,

And there were these horrible
magazines with water stains.

And then the friggin'
receptionist is trying to

give me these condoms that
looked like grape suckers,

and just babbling away about her
friggin' boyfriend's pie balls.

Yum!

And Su-Chin was there, and she was

like, "Oh hi! Babies have fingernails."

Fingernails!

That's gruesome.

You think the baby can scratch
your vag on the way out?

I'm staying pregnant, Leah.

Dude! You gotta keep your
voice down, my mom is inside.

She doesn't know that
we're sexually active.

What does that even mean?

I've been thinking.

I was thinking that I could have this baby
and give it to someone who totally needs it.

You know, like a woman with a bum
ovary or a couple of nice lesbos.

But then you're gonna get huge
and your chest is gonna milktate.

And you have to tell
people that you're pregnant.

But maybe they'll canonize
me for being so selfless.

Maybe they'll totally shit
and be really mad...

...and not let you graduate or
go to Cabo for spring break.

I was going to go to
Gettysburg with Bleeker anyway.

You should look at adoption ads,

I see them all the
time in the Penny Saver.

They have ads for parents?

Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to
terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment.

It's totally legit.

"Wholesome, spiritually wealthy couple
have found true love with each other."

"All that's missing is your bastard."

I want a parakeet.

You're totally not even listening to me.

No, I heard you.

I don't want to give the baby to a family
that describes themselves as "wholesome."

- Why?
- I want something a little more edgier.

- Okay, what did you have in mind exactly?
- I was thinking a graphic designer,

mid-thirties, with a cool Asian girlfriend who
dresses awesome and rocks out on the bass guitar.

But I don't want to be too particular.

OK, how about this?

"Educated, successful couple seeking
infant to join our family of five."

"You will be compensated. Help
us complete the circle of love."

That sounds great.

They sound like a friggin' cult. Besides, they
already have three kids, greedy little bitches.

Oh, Juno! How about this one?

They were Mark and Vanessa Loring,

And they were beautiful
even in black and white.

Paul? Are you coming downstairs to eat?

No, I don't think so.

You ran eight miles today, Puppy.

I'm not hungry, oddly.

But it's breakfast for supper.
It's your favorite, Paul.

Yeah.

Juno MacGuff called while
you were out running today.

You know how I feel about her.

You've mentioned it a couple times.

She is just...

...different.

Yeah.

I'm not really sure how
I'm gonna spit this out.

Hon, did you get expelled?

No. The school would most likely
contact you in the event of my expulsion.

Well, I was just asking.
It seemed plausible.

Do you need a large amount
of money? Legal counsel?

No, I'm not asking for anything.

Except for maybe mercy. Like, it would
be friggin' sweet if no one hit me.

What have you done, Junebug?
Did you hit someone with the Previa?

No.

Dude, I think it's
best to just tell them.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, God.

But I'm going to give
it up for adoption.

I already found the perfect couple.

They're gonna pay for the
medical expenses and everything.

In thirty-odd weeks we can just
pretend that this never happened.

You're pregnant?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. And if it is any consolation,

I have heartburn that's
radiating down to my kneecaps

and I haven't take a
dump since Wednesday.

Morning!

I didn't even know you
were sexually active!

Who is the kid?

The baby? I don't really know much
about it. It has fingernails, allegedly.

Nails? Really?

Yeah.

I mean, who is the father, Juno?

It's Paulie Bleeker.

Paulie Bleeker?

What?

I didn't think he had it in him!

I know, right?

Right, this is no laughing matter.

No, it's not.

And Paulie is actually great.

In chair.

You were thinking about adoption?

Yeah, there's this couple.

They've been trying to
have a kid for five years.

We found them in the Penny
Saver next to the exotic birds.

They have a legitimate lawyer and I was
going to go meet with them next weekend.

Junebug, that is a
tough, tough thing to do.

Probably tougher than you
can understand right now.

I know...

...It's just that I'm
not ready to be a mom.

Damn skippy, you're not!

You don't even remember to give
Liberty Bell her breathing meds.

That was once! And she
did not die, if you recall!

Honey, had you considered,
you know, the alternative?

No.

Well, you're a little Viking!

First things first,

we have to get you healthy.

You need prenatal vitamins,

Incidentally, they do incredible
things for your nails, so that's a plus.

Oh, and we need to schedule
a doctor's appointment.

Figure out where
you're going to deliver.

Juno, I'm coming with you
to meet this adoption people.

You're just a kid. I don't want you to get
ripped off by a couple of babystarved wingnuts.

Thanks, Dad.

I thought you were the kind of
girl who knew when to say when.

I don't really know
what kind of girl I am.

Tell it to me straight, Bren.
Do you think this is my fault?

I think kids get bored
and have intercourse.

And I think Junebug was
a dummy about it, Mac.

I am not ready to be a Pop-Pop.

You're not going to be a Pop-Pop.

Somebody else is going to find a precious blessing
from Jesus in this garbage dump of a situation.

Did you see that coming
when she sat us down here?

Yeah. But I was hoping she was
expelled or into hard drugs.

That was my first instinct too.
Or D.W.I. Anything but this.

And I'm going to punch that Bleeker kid
in the weiner the next time I see him.

Mac, no. You know it wasn't his idea.

Hi! I'm Vanessa. You must
be Juno and Mr. MacGuff.

Vanessa.

It's Vanessa, right?

Thanks for having me and my
irresponsible child over to your house.

Oh no. Thank you.

Come on in.

Can I take your coat or your hat?

Oh, yeah, sure, thanks.

Wicked pic in the Penny Saver,
by the way. Super classy.

Not like those people with
fake woods in the background,

Honestly, who do they
think they're fooling?

You found us in the Penny Saver?

Hi. Mark Loring. I'm the husband.

- How you doing? Mac McGuff.
- Nice to meet you.

Hi.

This is Gerta Rauss, our attorney.

Gerta Rauss.

Hi, pleased to meet you.

And this, of course, is Juno.

Like the city in Alaska.

No.

No?

Hon?

Shall we sit down and
get to know one another?

I thought I'd get some drinks.

What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino
or Vitamin Water or orange juice.

A Maker's Mark, please. Up.

She's kidding.

Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor,
just one of her many genetic gifts.

I see.

So, Juno. First off,
how far along are you?

I'm a junior.

No, I mean in your pregnancy.

Oh. Uh, actually my stepmom took me yesterday
to the doctor and they said I was twelve weeks.

Oh, that's marvelous.

So you're into your second trimester?

Yeah, apparently.

I'm due on May 4.

Great.

My girlfriends tell me the first
couple months are the hardest.

I didn't notice it at all.

I'm more concerned about when they have to
put that elastic band in the front of my jeans.

I think pregnancy is beautiful.

Well, you're lucky it's not you.

So, let's talk how we're
gonna do this... thing.

Well, don't I just have the thing?

Squeeze it on out and hand it over?

Mark and Vanessa are willing
to negotiate an open adoption.

What does that mean?

It means they'd send
annual updates, photos,

let Juno know how the baby is
doing as he or she grows up.

Whoah. I don't want photos
or any kind of notification.

Can't we just kick this old school?

I stick the baby in a
basket and send it your way.

Like Moses in the reeds.

Technically, that would be
kickin' it Old Testament.

Exactly! Right?

Do you know what I mean?

Like in the good old days.
When it was quick and dirty.

Well, then we all agree a traditional closed
adoption would be best for all involved?

Shit, yes, just close her on up.

Obviously, we would compensate
you for all your medical expenses.

Are you looking for any
other type of compensation?

Excuse me?

No.

No, I don't want to
sell the thing, I just...

...I want...

...I just want the baby to be
with people who are gonna love it,

And be good parents, you know?

I'm in high school.

I'm ill-equipped.

You're doing a beautiful
and a selfless thing for us.

Vanessa has wanted a baby
ever since we got married.

I want to be a mommy so badly!

You don't say.

Have you ever felt like you
were just born to do something?

Yes.

Heating and air conditioning.

There you go.

I was born to be a mother.

Some of us are.

How about you, Mark, are you
looking forward to being a dad?

Betcha, yeah.

Every guy wants to be a father.
Wants to coach the soccer team and

help out with the science
fair and the volcano goes off.

Yeah, all that.

Maybe Gerta could take us through the
preliminary documents that you have drawn up.

Could I use the facilities first? Being
pregnant makes me pee like Seabiscuit.

The downstairs bathroom is being re-tiled,
but if you go upstairs, then to the right...

Oh yeah! Room with the toilet.

Is she alright?

Sorry.

Sorry, I didn't expect
to see you up here.

I just came up to get something.

Did your wife send you
up here to spy on me?

No.

Do we come off as paranoid
yuppies or something?

I stole a squirt of your wife's perfume.

Really?

It's Clinique Happy.

Get a whiff of those sparkling topnotes!

Is that supposed to make me feel happy?

You should feel happy, Holmes.

I'm giving you and Vanessa the gift of life.
Sweet, screaming, pooping life!

And you don't even have to be there
when it comes out all covered in...

Viscera?

Blood and guts.

Is that a Les Paul?

Yes, it is.

Vanessa gave me my own
room for all my stuff.

She gave you your own room in
your whole house for your stuff?

She's got you on a
long leash there, Mark.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You know? I always loved
Gibson way more than Fender.

What do you play?

I rock a Harmony.

So is it mahagony?

What happens if you crack the neck?

Tell me about it. I used
to play in this really tight

band when I lived in Chicago
and one night we opened up

for the Melvins and I
busted that thing right on

stage and it cost me
$800 just to get it fixed.

When was that?

‘93. Best time for rock and roll.

Nuh-uh, '77! Punk Volume #1.

You're crazy.

You weren't there,

You couldn't understand the magic.

You weren't even alive!

What's that?

It's a Pilates machine.

What do you make with it?

You don't make anything.
It's for exercising.

My wife ordered one of those

Tony Little Gazelles off the TV.

You know, from the
guy with the ponytail?

That guy just doesn't look right to me.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

You're playing music?

Juno wanted a little
closer look at Kimber.

Your guitar is named Kimber?

Yeah.

That's cool. My axe is named Roosevelt.

After Franklin, not Ted. He
was the hot one with polio.

Gerta is downstairs, we still have

a lot of stuff to go over.

I got it.

Not to interrupt the jam session.

So, just look these over and if you
have any questions, call me at my office.

We would really appreciate it if you would just
keep us updated on any doctor's appointments,

Ultrasounds, anything of that nature.

For sure. You want to know how
your kid is cooking, I get it.

You think you're really
going to do this, then?

Yeah. I like you guys.

How sure would you say you are?

Would you say you're 80% sure, 90% sure?

I'm going to say I'm about 104% sure.

Really?

Seriously, if I could just have the thing
and give it to you now, I totally would,

But I'm guessing it looks probably
like a Sea Monkey right now,

And we should let it get
a little cuter, right?

- Yeah.
- Great.

Keep it in the oven.

I think that's a great idea.

Nice to meet you both.

Please, drive carefully.
Hopefully we'll hear from you soon.

- Take care.
- Buh bye.

Hey, man.

Hey, Vijay.

Did you hear Juno MacGuff is pregnant?

Yeah.

- Like our moms and teachers!
- Yeah.

Did you hear it's yours?

Yup.

What a trip, man.

I don't really know too much about it.

You should grow a moustache.

I can't.

Me neither.

But I'm going to stop
wearing underpants.

Raise my sperm count.

Juno, hey.

Hey, Bleek.

Me and some guys are gonna go to the movies
after school and we're gonna donut that flick

with the guy who has eighteen kids.

Do you want to come?

Sounds awesome, but I got my ultrasound.

Oh, really?

Can I...

...Should I come?

Oh, you can't waste those donut balls,

But maybe I could drop by later.

Okay, cool.

- Later, Bleek.
- See ya.

I'll save you a seat.

There's your baby.

Oh, my God.

There's a hand.

And an arm.

And there's the feet.

Would you look at that?

Check out Baby Big-Head. Dude,
that thing is freaky looking!

Excuse me, I am a sacred vessel.

All you've got in your
stomach is Taco Bell!

It's amazing that there's
actually saps that cry at this.

What? I'm not made of stone.

Well, there you have it.

Would you like to know the sex?

- Yes.
- No.

- Please, Junebug?
- No sex.

Planning to be surprised
when you deliver?

I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised, and
if you told me, I'll just ruin everything.

Are Mark and Vanessa
your friends at school?

No, they're the adoptive parents.

Oh. Well, thank goodness for that.

What's that supposed to mean?

I just see a lot of teenage
mothers come through here.

It's obviously a poisonous
environment to raise a baby in.

How do you know that I'm so poisonous?

What if these adoptive parents
turn out to be evil molesters?

Or like stage parents.

They could be utterly negligent.
Maybe they'll do a far shittier job

of raising a kid than my
dumbass stepdaughter ever would.

Have you considered that?

No, I guess not.

What is your job title, exactly?

I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.

Well I'm a nail technician, and I think
we both ought to stick to what we know.

Excuse me?

You think you're so special because
you get to play Picture Pages up there?

My five year-old daughter could
do that, and let me tell you...

...she is not the brightest
bulb in the tanning bed.

So why don't you go back to night
school in Manteno and learn a real trade!

Bren, you's a dick!

I love it.

Juno? Wow, I didn't
expect to see you here.

I have something really cool to
show you guys. Is Vanessa here?

No, actually she's working late tonight.

She's trying to accrue as much
time off as she can before...

Oh right. I hear these
are quite the time-suck.

Wanna come in? I was just
having a Ginseng Cooler.

Would you like one?

What is it with you rich people
and your herb-infused juices?

It's probably got something to do with
those forty four-packs they come in.

They're not bad, though.

Why aren't you at work?

I work mostly from home. I'm a composer.

No shit.

Like Johannes Brahms?

No, more commercial stuff.

Like what?

Commercials.

Have you seen the ads for the
Titanium Power men's deodorant?

Paid for this kitchen.

You're quite the sellout, Mark.

What would the Melvins say?

Did you say you had
something to show me.

Behold, good sir! Your future child.

Hey, look at that.

I think it looks like my friend Paulie.

Is he also bald and amorphous?

No, he's the dad.

Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

I can't, the doctor can. But I
kind of want it to be a surprise.

Well, it can only go one of two ways.

That's what you think.

I drink tons of booze...

...so you might end up with one of those
scary neuter-babies that's born without junk.

Junk, huh?

You know, it's parts.

I know what junk is.

Yeah, right.

We definitely want it to
have some junk, please.

Well, you don't need
to worry about a thing.

My stepmom, Bren, makes
me eat super healthy.

I can't stand in front of
the microwave and no red M&Ms.

I hope you're ready.

Ooh... do you hear that?

What?

This is my favorite song. It's Sonic
Youth doing "Superstar" by the Carpenters.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know the Carpenters.

Chick drummer, freaky dude.
Not unlike the White Stripes.

You haven't heard the Carpenters
like this. Just listen.

Yeah, I like this.

What did you say your favorite band was?

Didn't. It's a three-way tie between the
Stooges, Patti Smith and the Runaways.

I definitely need to make you some
CDs. At least while my kid's in there.

The Wizard of Gore?

That is Herschel Gordon Lewis.
He's the ultimate master of horror.

Please. Dario Argento is so
the ultimate master of horror.

Argento?

He's alright, but Lewis
is completely dimented.

We're talking buckets of goo.

Red corn syrup all over the place.
Fake brains coming out the yin-yang.

Quite frankly, this
looks a little stupid.

Give me the tape.

This is even better than Suspiria.

What'd I tell ya?

You have decent taste in slasher movies.

Here's to dovetailing interests.

Have you guys thought of
any names for the baby yet?

Sort of, yes. Vanessa
likes Madison for a girl.

Madison?

Isn't that a little, gay?

Well, pretentious much? Should everyone
just have a mysterious name like Juno?

My dad went through this huge obsession
with Roman and Greek mythology.

He decided to name me after Zeus's wife,

Zeus had tons of lays, but I'm
pretty sure Juno was his only wife.

She was supposed to be really beautiful
but really mean. Like Diana Ross.

That suits you.

Thanks?

You're something else.

Vanessa. You'd better go.

She hates when I sit around watching
movies and I don't contribute.

I'll handle this. I'm really
good at diffusing mom-type rage.

No, Juno, no.

Juno, what's going on?

- Nothing.
- What are you doing here? What's wrong?

Nothing, I went to the doctor today.

Is there something wrong with the baby?

The baby is great.

It's the right size and everything.
I even saw its phalanges today!

Here.

It's the baby.

It's your baby.

It kinda looks like it's waving.

Like it's saying "Hey,
Vanessa. Will you be my mom?"

Yeah, it kind of does.

Juno was nice enough to
bring that over for us today.

I came as soon as I got that
ultrasound goo off my pelvis.

It was crazy actually,

My stepmom verbally abused the ultrasound
tech so we got escorted off the premises.

Wow, what kind of swag did you score?

Mall madness, huh?

It's just some stuff I
picked up for the baby.

Don't you usually get all
that stuff at a baby shower?

When my stepmom was pregnant with my
little sister she got a million gifts.

But I wasn't jealous 'cause
they all were super lame.

I doubt anyone's gonna
throw us a shower.

Why wouldn't they
throw you a baby shower?

I don't think people know how to feel about
this situation because it's not set in stone.

What isn't set...

You don't think I'm
going to flake out on you?

No, I don't, Juno.

We went through a situation before

where it didn't work out.

Cold feet.

You should have gone to China.

I hear they give away
babies like free iPods.

They put ‘em in those T-shirt guns

and shoot them out at sporting events.

Your parents are probably
wondering where you are.

Naah. I'm already pregnant,

so what other kind of
shenanigans could I get into?

I should probably bounce.

Hey, don't forget your bag.

Ah, bag!

Okay, take care.

Where the hell have you been, Junebug?

I just drove to St. Cloud to show
Mark and Vanessa the ultrasound.

I ended up staying
for a couple of hours.

A couple of hours? Why are you
going over there in the first place?

They wanted to know about this stuff.
I said I'd keep them updated, so I did!

You could have mailed it to them.

Why would you drive an hour
out to East Jesus, Nowhere?

I don't know, I just did.

And while Mark and I
were waiting for Vanessa,

we watched The Wizard of Gore,

And he burned me a couple
of CDs of this weird music.

He's kind of cool.

Juno, you can't just
drop in on them like that.

No, it was not a big deal.
He was totally cool with it.

You don't understand.

Mark is a married man,
there are boundaries.

Oh, come on.

Listen,

Bren-duhhh.

You're acting like you're the
one who has to go through this

and get huge and shove a baby
out of your vag for someone else.

What does it even
matter if he's married?

I can have friends that are married.

It doesn't work that way, kiddo.

You don't know squat about
the dynamics of marriage.

You don't know anything about me!

I know enough.

We don't even have a dog!

Yeah, because you're
allergic to their saliva.

I have sacrificed a lot for you, Juno.
But in a couple years when you move out

I'm going to get Weimaraners.

Wow, dream big!

Oh, go fly a kite.

Hi, Juno.

What can I do for you?

Bleeker home?

Bleeker's mom was
possibly attractive once.

But now she looks a hobbit.

You know, the fat one
that was in The Goonies.

Hey, man,

Don't concentrate so hard.
I think I can smell your hair all burning.

Hey, what's up?

Not much, I just wanted to come say hey.

I miss hanging out with
you on school nights.

Orange Tic-Tacs are
Bleeker's one and only vice.

The day I got pregnant, his mouth
tasted really tangy and delicious.

You seem to be getting...

...pregnant-er these days.

Ya know, I set up this
whole private adoption...

...and this married couple in Saint
Cloud are going to be the parents.

Really?

What are they like?

The guy, he's awesome.

His name is Mark and

he likes old horror movies
and he plays the guitar.

We actually hung out this afternoon.

Is that normal?

Probably not, but...

I talked to dad and Bren and they said
they wouldn't narc you out to your folks,

So,

I think we should be cool.

That's a relief.

I'm gonna start looking

like a pretty big dork soon.

Will you still think
I'm cute when I'm huge?

I always think you're cute.

I think you're beautiful.

Jeez, Bleek.

I do.

Hey Junebug, when this is all over
we should get the band back together.

Yeah.

That would be awesome.

Once Tino gets a new drumhead

we're just, like, ready to rock.

We could always get back together too.

That's an option.

Were we together?

Yeah, we were once.

That time.

What about Katrina De Voort?

You could totally go out
with Katrina De Voort.

I don't like Katrina.

She smells like soup.

Her whole house smells of soup.

Okay.

So we have Custard, Cheesecake.

They're yellow.

I wanted to pick something
that was gender-neutral until

we get the baby and then we
can add a more decisive palette.

Why does everyone think
yellow is gender-neutral?

I don't know any guy
with a yellow bedroom.

I'm thinking more
Custard with this light.

I don't know. Maybe I should
paint a larger swatch...

Or you could wait a few more months.

It's not like the baby's going to storm
in here demanding dessert-colored walls.

"What to Expect" says that readying the baby's
room is an important process for the woman.

Especially if you're adopting.
It's called "nesting."

Nesting?

Are you going to build the
crib out of sticks and spit?

You should read the book. I flagged
the "daddy chapters" for you.

I think it's too early to paint.

That's my opinion.

I disagree.

This wall is going to need something.

Our first family photo
right in the middle.

Right up there.

Can you see it?

Yum! This pretzel tastes
like a friggin' donut!

Share the love, sweetness!

You can't have any.

She's assaulting me!

She's denying me fresh-baked goodness!

Oh, my God.

That's her. That's Vanessa Loring.

Of the Penny Saver Lorings?

Dude, she's, like, really pretty.

You sound totally shocked or something.

She's totally gonna steal
that kid for her collection.

Right, seriously.

Boring!

I could so go for a huge cookie right now
with like, a lamb kebab, simultaneously.

God, Spermy. Must you always feed?

It's like, never-ending for you.

Juno!

Hi, Vanessa!

What brings you to the mall today?

I was just shopping with my girlfriends.

You're gay?

No.

Just ignore her.

Well, how are you feeling?

Great! Everything's stupendous.

Oh, coming in on that snooze button.

That's incredible.

Oh, God.

What?

Kicking away.

Could I feel it?

Are you kidding?

At school everyone's just
grabbing my belly all the time.

I'm a legend.
They call me the Cautionary Whale.

I can't feel anything.

It's not moving for me.

You should try talking to it.

They can hear you, even though it's
all ten thousand leagues under the sea.

Hi, baby.

It's me. It's Vanessa.

I can't wait to meet you.

Can you hear me, baby?

Sweet angel?

I felt it!

That was magical.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello?

Hey!

So, I've been listening to that
really weird CD that you made me.

Yeah? What's the verdict?

Well, it's cute.

It's cute?

When you're used to listening to the
raw power of Iggy and the Stooges,

everything else just sounds
kind of precious in comparison.

I imagine you have a collection of
punk chestnuts to prove your point.

Well...

...consider it your musical education.

I can't wait to see what
you've got to teach me.

Stop surfing porn and get back to work.

Just wanted to call and say hi.

Go learn something.

- Oh, a little trip down Mexico way.
- And Greece and China apparently.

How many months has it been now?

You're getting huge.

It's homing in on the eight. You
should see how weird I look naked.

I wish my funbags would get bigger.

Trust me, you don't. I have to
actually wear a friggin' bra now

and rub all this nasty cocoa butter
stuff on myself so my skin won't explode.

Hot!

Why is everyone always staring at me?

Well, you are kind of convex, you know?

Whoah! Who's been doing their
geometry homework for once!

I have no choice. Keith has
been grading me so hard lately.

Do not call Mr. Conyers "Keith".

'Cause my barf reflex is
really enheightened these days.

But Keith's hot.

Eww, he's all beardy!

Did you hear that Bleek is going
to the prom with Katrina De Voort?

Katrina?

No way, he doesn't like Katrina.

Must be like a pity date or something.

I heard he asked her and
that they're going to Benihana,

and then prom, and then
Vijay's parents' cabin.

He told me that Katrina's
house smells like soup!

Oh my God, it totally does.

I was there four years ago for her birthday
party and it was like Lipton Landing.

But you know, boys have endured
way worse things for nookie.

Oh, please.

There is no way that they're having sex,

They wouldn't even be holding hands.

I wouldn't be so sure,
he did it with you.

Yeah, 'cause Bleek trusts me.

We're best friends.

Are you jealous?

I thought you said you
didn't care what he did.

Not jealous, don't care.

I know Bleek doesn't like
Katrina and he shouldn't

toy with her emotions like
that. She seems pretty nice.

Uh-huh, I'm really convinced.

Prom is for wenises, anyway.

As soon as you're old enough
to go, it's so not cool anymore.

Are you honestly and truly going
to the prom with Katrina De Voort?

Uh, hi?

Leah just said that you
were gonna go with her.

Yeah, I did ask her if she wanted to go.

A bunch of us from the
team are going to Benihana,

then go the prom, then go
to Vijay's parents' cabin.

We're getting a stretch limo.

Your mom must be pretty stoked
that you're not taking me.

You're mad. Why are you mad?

I'm not mad. I'm in a great mood.

Despite the fact that I'm in
a fat suit I can't take off,

despite the fact that pretty
much everyone is making

fun of me behind my back,
despite the fact that your

girlfriend gave me the
stinkeye in art class yesterday.

Katrina's not my girlfriend! And I
doubt that she gave you the stinkeye.

That's just the way her face looks.

Just take Soupy Sales to prom, I can think
of so many cooler things to do that night.

I might pumice my feet or go
to Bren's Unitarian church,

maybe get hit by a truck
full of hot garbage juice.

All those things would be exponentially
cooler than going to the prom with you.

You're being really immature.

You have no reason to be mad
at me. You broke my heart.

I should be royally ticked off at you.

I should be really cheesed off. I
shouldn't want to talk to you anymore.

Why? Because I got bored and had sex with
you, and then I didn't wanna, like, marry you?

Like I'd marry you! You'd
be the meanest wife ever.

And I know that you
weren't bored that day

because there was a lot of stuff on TV.

The Blair Witch Project was
coming on Starz, and you were like,

"I haven't seen this since it came out,
but we should make out instead. La la la."

You just take Katrina the
Douche Packer to the prom.

I'm sure you two will
have a real bitchin' time!

I still have your underwear.

I still have your virginity!

Would you shut up!

What? Are you ashamed that we did it?

- No.
- 'Cause at least

you don't have to have the
evidence under your sweater.

I'm a planet!

Wait, let me get your bag.

What's another ten pounds?

Hi.

Wow. That shirt's working hard.

Is Vanessa here?

No. We are safe.

I'm glad you're here, I
actually have something for you.

Almost there.

Whoah, Mark! Is this the
baby's room? It's beautiful!

Hilarious.

This is where I keep all my old comics,

And I want to show you one.

You're one of those guys?

Take a look.

Most Fruitful Yuki?

Is this a pregnant superhero?

Isn't that great?

I found it in Japan when
I was there with my band.

It reminds me of you.

Hells, yeah!

This actually makes me
feel way less of a fat dork.

Yuki is a real bad ass.

You should be very proud
being in the same condition.

Thank you.

Oh, how about some tunage?

Alright, don't look, no matter what.

This one is actually kinda slow.

But it's Mott the Hoople so it's
still totally rad and hardcore.

I know this one.

- You do?
- Yeah, this song is older than I am.

I danced to this at my senior prom.

Who'd you dance with?

Cynthia Vogel, great dance partner.

She let me put my
hands all over her butt.

- Hot.
- Very hot.

I can just, totally,
picture you dancing,

Like a total dork!

Her hands there,

And my hands down here.

This is how we did it in '88.

Like this?

Just like this.

You've never been to a dance before?

Dances are for nerds and squares.

What are you?

I don't know.

I feel like there's
something between us.

I'm leaving Vanessa.

What?

I'm getting a place in the city.

It's something I've wanted
to do for a long time.

No!

No?

No! You definitely can't do that.

That's one big, fat sack of no!

What is the matter?

You guys are supposed
to take care of this.

I thought you'd be cool with this.

I want things to be perfect.

I don't want them to be shitty and
broken like everyone else's family.

Look, I'll have the baby, and
Vanessa is going to be so happy.

A baby is not going to fix everything.

Besides, I don't know if I'm
even ready to be a father.

But you're old!

How do you think of me?

Why are you over here?

I...

I just like being a piece of
furniture in your weird life.

This is what my life has
become. I got stuff in boxes.

I'm underground.
That's appealing to you?

- This is my fault.
- No.

Is Vanessa mad at you because of me?

That's got nothing to do with it.
Vanessa and I aren't in love anymore.

You were in love when you married her!

If you're in love once,
you can be in love again.

My friend Leah has been with the
same guy four different times.

You're just not trying hard enough.

I'm such an idiot. I can't
believe what an idiot I am.

No, you know what, Mark.

Do not divorce your wife!

Will you please just do me a
solid and stay with Vanessa?

You're so young.

I'm not that young.
I'm sixteen.

I'm old enough to know when
someone's acting like a total a-hole!

Oh, and you know what,

I bought another Sonic Youth album
and it sucks! It's just noise!

Juno? What's going on?

Nothing.

Why are you crying?

I'm not crying. I'm just
allergic to fine home furnishings.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

She's just a little
hormonal. Right, Juno?

It's part of the process.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything...

Just...

I've been thinking.

- What?
- Just thinking if this is the right thing.

What are you talking about?

Just wondering if it's,

Just wondering if we're ready.

Yeah, we're ready.

We're ready. We've read the
books, we've taken all the classes.

We have a nursery that is completely...

Vanessa, I know we're prepared.
I'm just wondering if... I'm ready.

Wait a minute.

Juno, don't listen to him.
He's just got cold feet.

He's just being a guy.

The books all say the same thing.

A woman becomes a mother
when she gets pregnant.

A man becomes a father
when he sees his baby.

He's going to get there.

It just happened so fast.

We put the ad in the paper and I thought
it was gonna take months if at all and then,

Two weeks later, she's on that couch.

She answered our prayers.

Ever since then it's
been like a ticking clock.

What are you saying?

That it feels a little like bad timing.

What would be a good time for you, Mark?

There's just some things
that I still want to do.

Like what? Be a rock star?

Don't mock me.

I'm just saying that this is,

This is something that's
never going to happen.

Your shirt is stupid.

Grow up.

If I have to wait for
you to become Kurt Cobain,

I'm never going to be a mother.

I never said I'd be a good father.

I called Gerta Rauss and she said
that she can represent both of us.

It's called a "collaborative divorce."

It's all the rage right now, supposedly.

And it would be pretty easy
because we don't have any children.

Thanks for making the call, I guess.

Have you found a place to stay yet?

- Yeah, downtown.
- A hotel?

No, it's not a hotel. It's a loft.

Aren't you the cool guy?

I wanted a baby so bad.

I know.

- It looks like a bill from
Jiffy-Lube. - It's for me.

I never realize how much
I like being home unless

I've been somewhere really
different for a while.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, big puffy version of Junebug.

Where have you been?

Dealing with things way
beyond my maturity level.

Where is everybody?

Bren took Liberty Bell to
her tot ice skating class.

When will you guys learn
that tots can't ice skate?

You're looking a little morose, honey.

What's eating you?

I'm just, like, losing
my faith with humanity.

Can you narrow that down for me?

I just...

...wonder if...

...two people can
stay together for good.

You mean like couples?

Yeah, like,

People in love.

Are you having boy trouble
'cause I gotta be honest;

I don't really much approve of
you dating in your condition,

That's kind of messed up.

No, dad!

I mean, that's pretty skanky.

Isn't that what you girls
call it? Skanky? Skeevy?

Please stop.

Tore up from the floor up?

That's not what it's about.

I just need to know that it's possible that
two people can stay happy together forever.

It's not easy, that's for sure.

I don't have the best track
record in the world, I know, but,

I've been with your
stepmother for ten years now,

and I'm proud to say
that we're very happy.

Look...

...In my opinion...

The best thing you can do is find a person
who loves you for exactly what you are.

Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty,

Handsome, what have you,

the right person is still gonna
think the sun shines out of your ass.

That's the kind of person
that's worth sticking with.

Yeah.

I think I've found that person.

Yeah, sure you
have. Your old D-A-D!

You know I'll always be there to love you, support
you, no matter what kind of pickle you're in.

Obviously.

Dad, I think I'm just gonna,

shove out for a sec, but,

I won't be home late.

Okay.

You were talking about me, right?

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

Did you put like a hundred
things of tic tacs in my mailbox?

Oh, yeah, that was me.

Why?

They're your fave.

You can never have too many of your
favorite one-calorie breath mint.

Yeah, well thanks, I...

...I think I'm pretty much set
until college on the tic tac front.

You know, Bleek, I was thinking.

I'm sorry I was such a huge bitch
to you. You don't deserve it.

It's okay.

Also,

I think I'm in love with you.

What, you mean as friends?

No.

I mean, for real.

Because you're, like, the
coolest person I've ever met.

And you don't even have to try.

I try really hard, actually.

You're, like, naturally smart.

You're not like everyone else.

You don't stare at my stomach
all the time, you look at my face.

And every time I see you, the
baby starts kicking super hard.

It does?

I think it's because my heart
starts pounding every time I see you.

Mine too.

That's all I could ask for.

You're golden, man.

Can we make out now?

Yeah.

You know, you can go into early
labor sucking face like that!

Dad!

What?

Dad, either I just peed my pants or...

Or?

Thundercats are go!

All out, all out!

Do you have the admittance form?

What about the parking stickers?

Have you got Liberty Bell?

Oh, sweetie, sweetie!

Here we go.

Hurry! Start the car, go!

Gas!

- Wait, wait!
- Out of the way!

- Don't do that.
- What?

- That.
- But it's fun!

Bren, when do I get that
friggin' Spinal Tap thing?

It's called a spinal block, and
you can't have it yet, honey.

The doctor said you're
not dilated enough.

Come on! I have to wait
for it to get worse?

Why can't I just have
the friggin' thing now?

Honey, doctors are sadists who like to
play God and watch lesser people scream.

Oh, shit.

Excuse me! Can we give my kid
the damn spinal tap already?

And then...

...out of nowhere...

...there it was...

There he was.

I decided not to call Bleeker to
tell him that I was having the baby.

He had a big meet against Manteno and I
didn't want him to get all worried about me.

But he figured it out anyway.

Someday you'll be back here, honey.

On your terms.

Hey.

Nice legs.

Bleeker decided he didn't
want to see the baby.

Neither did I, really.
He didn't feel like ours.

I think he was always hers.

Would you like to meet your son?

I have a son?

How do I look?

Like a new mom.

Scared shitless.

It ended with a chair.

As boyfriends go, Paulie Bleeker is totally
boss. He is the cheese to my macaroni.

I know people are supposed to fall
in love before they reproduce, but,

I guess normalcy's not really our style.

Hey.

Hey.

Ready?

Yeah.