All language subtitles for home_improvement_S01E11

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Brad! Come on, let's go! Hurry up!

Hey, quiet down. Your mom's up
there trying to write that speech.

She's been working on that speech for
mo weeks. When is she gonna finish?

Well, maybe never if she doesn't get
some peace and quiet.

- Quiet.
- OK, OK.

Brad!

Shh, quiet.
What are you doing?

We're going to the park
to play Blade Warriors.

Blade Warriors?
I don't like the sound of that.

I've got the net. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
wait, wait, wait here.

- What's the net for?
- Nothing.

These are not "nothing" faces.

This would be a "nothing" face.

- Yeah.
- No, no. Come here, come here.

You guys wouldn't be going to the park

and snagging kids in this net, would you?

- Good idea. Dad.
- Yeah.

Bad idea.
The net stays here.

Brad. I buy safety equipment.
I intend for you to use it, all right?

Is that cologne you're wearing?

This is the stuff
you bought at the car wash.

That's air freshener.

That came with some mud flaps.
You smell like a piña colada.

He's wearing it for Jennifer Sudarsky.

- That's it.
- Whoa!

Take care of your brother.

Jill. I thought you were working
on that library speech.

Well. I came down
to get something to eat.

and I noticed
the refrigerator light was out.

o .

So I happen to think it's very important
to have a nice, bright refrigerator light.

- Jill, you're procrastinating again.
- I am not procrastinating.

Ew. Look at this refrigerator.
It's filthy. I have to clean this now.

Jill, why did you agree
to give this speech?

- Because I want to give this speech.
- Why aren't you working on it?

Because I had to replace
the refrigerator light.

Jill, this is an honor.
Who was it that raised

- more than $4,000 for the new…
- 7,000.

…$7,000 for the new computer system
for the library?

- I did.
- Who got all the volunteers

to go door to door to collect money.
including a hundred bucks out of me?

- I did.
- Who's the perfect person for the speech?

Somebody else.

Jill, it's just a two-minute speech.

Yeah, but it's to 250 people.

You're making a lot more out of this
than it really is.

Well, that's easy for you to say.
You do this for a living.

It doesn't bother you, you know? You
love attention and you have a big mouth.

Look, you don't have to do
anything the rest of the day

except breathe and write that speech.

I'll keep the boys out of your hair.
I'll handle everything.

Just try to go upstairs
and finish the speech.

- Thank you, sweetie.
- Got it.

But first I'm gonna clean the house.
cos it's really filth.

No. You're not getting off the hook.
Go upstairs, write the speech.

Stop procrastinating.
I will clean this house, top to bottom.

Do you promise that you won't
rewire or blow up anything?

- Why are you so mean to me?
- Do you really think I can do this thing?

Yes, of course.
You can do anything you want. Jill.

Nobody thought you could
land me as a husband and…

Well, that's certainly inspirational.

We've cut all our side panels.

and I've just finished drilling
the holes for our dowel joints.

If I were to put a hinge right here, Al, we'd
have a pretty swinging joint, wouldn't we?

- Take it, Al.
- I don't think so, Tim.

Anyway, next time.
Al and I will show you

how to complete the entire bookcase.

And that brings us to the Tool Time
tip of the day - housecleaning.

Oh. I can hear the guys
out there going. "Uh?"

"Get the wife in here, Tim.
so she can hear this."

No, no, no, men.
Housekeeping, housecleaning.

house-taking-care-of is like
shop maintenance. It's for men, too.

Men, it's the '90s. We should share in
the housecleaning responsibilities, right?

I didn't hear anything.

You know. I'm judging
from the lack of enthusiasm

that you men are disinterested.
and maybe it's because

they do not design housecleaning
equipment with men in mind.

- If they did, it would have what?
- More power!

You're darn right, more power.
And maybe a little style, too.

How can they expect us to clean a house

with housecleaning equipment
that's not designed for us?

Oh, the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor Series
in harvest gold.

The vacuum cleaner from hell.
What is this all about?

I want a man's vacuum cleaner.
How about an Indianapolis 500 version?

All burnished chrome, matte black.
analogue gages, turbo boost in there.

More power -
it'll suck the throat out of a parrot.

Whew. Maybe I stepped over the line
just a little bit just then.

but I think you get my point.
There's nothing wrong

with a man doing housework.

I mean, Al does a lot
of the cleaning around here.

- I do all the cleaning, Tim.
- Yeah, right, Al.

- I could use some help.
- We all could, Al.

I'm Tim Taylor.
I want to give you a little tip here.

Half the dirt in the world is men's.

Let's clean it up.
See you next time.

Come on. Dad.
We want to go back to the park.

I told Bob and Stinky that we'd be back.

Well. Bob and Stinky
are just gonna have to wait.

cos we're gonna clean
this house up for your ma.

We do that to support our woman.

- I don't have a woman.
- Well.

maybe Stinky could set you up with one.

I have a woman - Mommy.

Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.

A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot
of money to figure that one out. I tell you.

We are gonna clean
the house the power way.

Cleaning the house is a girl's job.

Hey, hey, hey.
We are enlightened men.

and enlightened men share
household responsibilities, right?

- What's "enlightened"?
- It means "scared of Mom".

Cleaning the house can be a lot of fun.
This is Dodge City at high noon.

It's very dirty in here.
Quick, get to the windows, boys!

Cover us! Come on! Hyah, hyah.

All right, holster those weapons.

On three, give me that quick draw.
One, two, three, clean.

Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah.

What about me. Dad?
What do I get to do?

You get the most important job.
You're Sheriff Wyatt Dirt.

You've got to wipe out
the Dust Bunny Gang.

- What?
- Here, hold that.

All loaded.

Saddle up, boy.

Hyah, hyah!

All right! Hi, hon.

Well, you are obviously just playing
around. You're not cleaning the house.

Wait a minute. I see some outlaw dust
villains on the coffee table. Go at it.

Guys, make sure you get
the outside of the doors.

I thought you were upstairs
writing that speech.

- Well, may I please get a soda?
- Certainly.

- Ooh, yeah.
- What is that smell?

Their favorite lunch -
beanie-weenie casserole.

Touch of Spam in there, beef jerky.
and potato chip dressing on top.

- What do you think?
- I'll pass.

- How you doing?
- Oh. I'm fine. Just taking a little break.

- Can I see it?
- It's not very good.

- Let me see it. Maybe I can help.
- I don't feel like it and you can't make me.

Let me ask you this. Have you gotten
past the point where you say:

"Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to be here today"?

Can I use that?

You haven't written your first line yet?

Yes, but yours is better.

What the hell
have you been doing up there?

I just feel self-conscious getting up
in front of a group of people.

- You don't like the way you look?
- What's wrong with the way I look?

Nothing. That was just a question.

Why was that the first question you asked?

All right, here's another first question.

Are you so attractive and thin
you're afraid to go up in front of people?

So, what, you're saying I'm fat and ugly?

I'm not gonna win at this, am I?

It's not looking good.
OK. Look. Give me that first line again.

- "Good afternoon…"
- "It's a pleasure to be here today."

"It's a pleasure to be here today."

Wait, wait, wait.
think I've got the last line for you.

"Thank you very much.
It's been a pleasure being here today."

"Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to be here today."

No, it's not.

I think I'll just take a nap.

- Who is it?
- It's me. Mom.

Oh, come in. Randy.

I just wanted to see how you were doing.

Come give me a hug.

Mmm. I'm much better now.

I've got a great joke for you. You can
use it in your speech, if you want.

Oh. OK. Shoot.

OK, l got it,

If a snake married an undertaker.

what would their towels say?

A snake and an undertaker.
I don't know. What?

"Hiss" and "hearse".

That's good.
That's really good.

Maybe I could work it into
the beginning of my speech.

Randy!

What are you doing in here?

You're supposed to be downstairs
helping me get finished dusting.

I'm just up here telling Mom a joke.
I'm being a good son.

Bull. You're just trying
to stay out of work.

- Am not.
- Are too.

That was pretty good. Mom.

I'm not gonna finish this
unless you stop interrupting me.

- I was just trying to help.
- Kissing up, huh?

- Am not.
- Are too.

Enough. Enough! Enough.

Now, how's your dad doing
with all that housecleaning?

- OK.
- Yeah. OK.

I don't like the looks of that look.
What's going on?

- Nothing.
- Dad's not doing anything.

What exactly is Dad not doing?

He's not rewiring the vacuum.

- No, Mom…
- Mom!

- Tim!
- finish your speech?

- Where is it?
- Hmm?

Ahh.

You know where it is.
Same place it's always been.

I'm serious.
Where is the vacuum cleaner?

Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft Sweep
Decor Model in burnt almond?

- That's the one.
- I think you're gonna like what we did.

Mark, plug her in.

Well, that doesn't look too bad.

On the outside.
it maintains that feminine allure.

On the inside.
I've doubled its chromosome count.

- Did you rewire it?
- I tweaked it.

Well, it sounds the same.

That's because it's in the "whisper" mode.
for light cleaning.

If you want to get the deep-down dirt.

we turn to the new "power suck" mode.

I thought you guys
were staying at the park.

Jennifer left.
so Brad didn't want to stay.

I guess the car air freshener
wasn't a big hit, huh?

She said I smelled like her dog
after he had a shampoo.

Brad. Brad. Come here.

Come here.
Tell me what happened.

- I think she likes me.
- How do you know?

She hit me in the arm, mice.

- Hard?
- Yeah!

- You're in, dude.
- Dude.

- Hey. Wilson.
- Hmm.

- What are you doing?
- Just carving out a canoe, Tim.

- Sounds hard.
- Not really, Tim.

You just take a big block of wood and
chip away everything that's not a canoe.

Say. Wilson, are you afraid
of speaking in public?

To be honest with you, Tim.
I don't go out in public.

Ah. Jill's got to give a speech today
and she's really concerned about it.

- Perfectly natural.
- It's not natural. I like speaking in public.

I talk all the time.

Some days I get in conversations
with people I don't even know.

- l mean. I'll talk and talk. Sometimes I…
- Tim.

- What?
- I get the point.

I want to help her. I just wonder what she's
so concerned about, speaking in public.

Well, she's probably just afraid
of appearing foolish in public.

I believe it was Samuel Clemens
who said…

Samuel Clemens?

You'd know him better as Mark Twain.

but that was just a pseudonym.
a sobriquet.

Of course - a pseudonym, a sobriquet.

Spell one of those. Pick one. Just…

- Let's just say pen name, Tim.
- OK.

Anyway, he said:

"Better to have people think you're a fool.

than to open your mouth
and remove all doubt."

My, my, my, my.

What do you think about that, Tim?

Tim .

B-L-A before B-L-U.

Blue, blue…
Brown. B-R…

That's easy.
Brown, brown…

- Hi. I made you some tea.
- Hi.

- Oh, thank you.
- How's it going?

It's going great.
I'm just working on my speech.

I can see that.

You know. Jill.
I think I've got the problem licked.

Best summed up by this wonderful quote:

"It is better not to open your mouth
and appear foolish.

than to open it and fool them."

Thank you, honey.
That's a big help.

It's Mark Twain.

Tim. I just don't know anything
about giving a speech.

I don't even know
what to do with my hands.

Well, put them in your pockets.

What if I wear this dress?
It doesn't have any pockets.

Hey, nice-lookin'.
Well, put them down at your sides.

But don't itch at yourself like that.
Don't scratch.

- How's this?
- You look like a totem pole.

Loosen up.
Come on. Loosen up. Do this.

- Do it.
- I don't think this is gonna help, Tim.

You're right, but it's fun
watching you do that.

Tim!

Don't think of the audience as a group.

When I first did Tool Time.
I was petrified.

so I tried to visualize it
as just one person.

The first time you did Tool Time
there was just one person.

That's not my point.

I tried to visualize that person
as being in their underwear.

- He was in his underwear.
- He was not.

The speech isn't the problem.
What is going on here?

Tim. I'm gonna be standing up there
in front of 250 people.

That's 500 eyes watching me.

500 ears listening to me.

Ugh. That's 1.000 organs.
No wonder you're nervous.

You know, I am the only speaker,
and by standing up there,

it's like I'm saying that
I'm the most important person in the room.

- Well, you are.
- Well. I don't feel like it.

It's not like I'm the president of anything.
I don't run a corporation.

I'm not a celebrity. I'm just your wife.
and Brad. Randy and Mark's mother.

You're the chairperson of
the most successful money laundering…

- fundraising!
- …fundraising drives in library history.

You're CEO of this family.
You're my Career mana9er,

- and you're a life manager.
- Life manager?

- You manage to live your life with me.
- I should get an award for that.

You should get an award
for the money that you collected.

Come on in.

Here. Mommy.
I made you a milkshake.

Oh, thank you, honey!

It looks like -
What did you put in that?

Peanut butter and jelly.

Go ahead.

Mmm! Mmm!
Terrific. And thick.

- Have you finished your speech?
- Yeah.

- Can I hear it?
- She doesn't feel like it right now.

Come on. Mom. You always make me
show you my homework.

Well, you're right. I do.

- OK. OK, fair is fair.
- You sure you feel like doing this?

Yeah. I'll just picture
you two in your underwear.

No, don't take off your pants.
It's just a technique.

- OK. Ahem. Are you ready?
- Yep.

"Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to be here today."

- I wrote that.
- Very good.

OK, OK. "As you all know, the library
is the cornerstone of a good education."

"Books contain ideas
which can shape our planet.

and. let's face it, right now our planet
is badly out of shape."

"Shape" and "out of shape" -
I love it. It's good.

Yeah? Well, it's easy in front of
you and Mark. I know you guys.

- Pretend like we're the library association.
- No, most of them are women.

OK, we'll be women.
Mark, come over here for a minute.

- What?
- Here, these go with your hair.

Oh, and these are me.

- Look at that.
- Tim, what are you doing?

We are supporting our woman
by being women.

Mark, you don't do this
outside the house. OK?

Tim, please.
You really don't have to do this.

There's no Tim here any more.

My name is… Ouch!

My name is Linda.
and this is my good friend. Rose.

- Hi. Mommy.
- Well, hello. Rose. Hello. Ouch.

Hello. Well, please get on with
your speech. We're all aflutter.

OK. OK.

"The only way to get our planet back
into shape is to exercise our minds."

"By upgrading and modernizing
our library, we can do that."

Look how she gets us involved.
I love this.

"Your generous dollars
have made that possible.

and I hope that you will continue to
give in the future." It goes on from there.

Bravo, bravo.
Give her the wave.

Isn't she the most spectacular
speaker you've ever seen?

- It is OK, isn't it?
- It's marvelous, hon. It's marvelous.

No. I'm serious.
I mean, it actually makes sense.

- It's terrific. It is.
- Are you just saying that?

- No, it's good.
- So it was good, but not terrific?

Huh? No. That's the same, isn't it?

No, no, no, no.
"Good" means that it's OK.

"Terrific" means that
I'd be a fool not to give this speech.

You would be a fool
not to give this speech.

OK, then. I'll give it.
Thank you. Linda.

Thank you. Rose.

Rather unprofessional
to kiss us like that, wasn't it?

Do you suppose that's her real hair color?

I don't think so.
Look at the roots.

Ever got some phlegm caught in
your throat and you can't get it out?

You just don't see old women
going like this, do you?

- I'm here.
- Oh, good, Tim, we're on in a minute.

Where've you been, Tim?
I was getting worried.

We were watching Mommy
give her speech.

- She wowed them at the library.
- I did all right.

- How you doin', Al?
- Hi, Jill.

You wowed them.
They asked you back for next year already.

Oh. God.
I don't want to think about that.

- Hi. Mark. How are you?
- Good.

- Do anything fun this weekend?
- Daddy and I dressed up like women.

- Oh, really?
- It's not like it sounds. Al.

Daddy had Mommy's hat on
and we both wore earrings.

Well, of course, earrings
would complete the ensemble.

Music. Stand by,
here we go, everybody.

It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.

Well, maybe next time, Tim.

Does everyone know what time it is?

It's Tool Time!

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