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1
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:27,360
Today is the day my sister
was supposed to get married.
2
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:32,040
Who was that?
3
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,680
I want to cancel the wedding.
4
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:38,720
Oh, no!
5
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,920
What's going to happen?
Is Stefan going to leave Lucy?
6
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,360
Perhaps he'll join the army,
go to war and die.
7
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,840
Lucy might have a rebound fling
8
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:48,760
with a 23-year-old
driving instructor,
9
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,600
get chlamydia and die.
10
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,080
So much jeopardy!
11
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,920
What a moment of tension.
12
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,480
I want to cancel the wedding.
13
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,120
Well, you can't.
14
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,120
Oh!
15
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:19,800
And so it came to be that any chance
of drama was dispelled.
16
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,320
The happy couple were wed
and live...
17
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:28,120
MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS
18
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:26,680
Once upon a time, I went to
the wedding of two people I hated,
19
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,880
and I kept crying, even though
I didn't care about them
20
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,280
or their happiness.
21
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,880
The first dance,
22
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,360
children chasing after each other,
23
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,560
proud elderly relatives -
24
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,920
everything moved me.
25
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,440
That's why using a wedding in a
television programme is cheating,
26
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,480
like when a talent show
puts sad music
27
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:49,880
under a contestant's
boring backstory.
28
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,080
Intellectually, you know,
I don't give a flying shit
29
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,960
about his nan's battle with acne,
30
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,960
but try telling your heart that.
31
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,760
Try telling your blurry eyes.
32
00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:01,840
We'll be steering clear
of those synthetic,
33
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:03,800
manipulated emotions today.
34
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,800
What we're looking for
is what's real.
35
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:07,840
Why not?
36
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,640
Because it's bad luck
to bring a married lover
37
00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,000
to your daughter's wedding.
38
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,600
But you said... I changed my mind.
39
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,960
Yeah, but that's not fair...
Are you staying with Yvonne?
40
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,480
It's not that simple.
41
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:22,040
Well, I think you should tell her.
42
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,000
And I think you should get out.
43
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,560
Of here, not there.
44
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,960
Actually, I don't care what you do,
as long as I don't know about it.
45
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,640
But I've taken the day off work.
46
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:33,960
Go, Simon...
47
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,000
..before I do something I regret,
48
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,560
like kick you in the balls.
49
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:40,800
Go on!
50
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,240
Goodbye.
51
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,840
HE SIGHS
52
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,160
Oh, and I blocked you on Facebook,
53
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,600
so you needn't bother any more
with your aubergine emojis
54
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,040
and your otter videos.
55
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,080
I won't see them.
56
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,200
DOOR CLOSES
57
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,880
Weddings and stories are cheating
58
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,400
because they're used
as a full stop -
59
00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:22,560
"And then they got married.
The end."
60
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,000
Don't ask any questions
about what happens afterwards
61
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,240
because you won't like the answers.
62
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:28,720
Happily ever after.
63
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:32,160
We lie repeatedly to children
and then wonder why adulthood
64
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,640
is so disappointing.
65
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:39,880
You know my dad's not rich, right?
66
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,000
Why do you hate me?
67
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,320
I don't.
68
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,320
I don't hate you, I see through you.
69
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:51,280
You wanted to be more important
in the show,
70
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,320
so you gate-crashed my life
by shagging my dad
71
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,040
in my mum's house. No!
72
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,800
Oh! Excuse me?
73
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,880
Your dad helped me.
74
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,880
Said he knew someone
with a spare room,
75
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,000
someone who could do with
a bit of money coming in.
76
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,560
He's lying.
77
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,080
I'm lodging with your mum.
78
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,360
What?
79
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,720
Your dad's sleeping on the sofa.
80
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:19,520
It's not just you who overlooks me
in their story.
81
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,840
Everybody does.
82
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,960
I work every day,
three jobs for a minimum wage,
83
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,920
where I give other people
what they want,
84
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,040
and they forget to say thank you.
85
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,080
How did I get this so wrong?
Oh, come on.
86
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,800
COUPLE GIGGLE
87
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,360
OK, now.
88
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,320
OK, good luck. Love you.
89
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,240
Can you pick...?
90
00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:53,200
GLASS CLINKS
91
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:57,280
Hello, and thank you for coming.
92
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:01,000
Some people say, "Why spend
all this money on a wedding
93
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,440
"when there are people sleeping
rough on the streets?"
94
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:05,800
MAN COUGHS
95
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,120
You said that.
96
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:11,880
Yes, I said that,
in the car on the way here,
97
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,960
in a last-ditch attempt
to prove to my sister
98
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,320
how selfish getting married is.
99
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,000
Boo!
100
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,760
Shut up, Steve.
101
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:25,320
What could be more selfish
than trying to own another person,
102
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,520
making them have your surname,
103
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,840
saying that they can't shag
anyone but you.
104
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,440
Tell your dad that.
105
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,760
LAUGHTER
106
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,400
But then Lucy told me that Stefan...
107
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,000
HE SOBS
108
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,640
I want to cancel the wedding.
109
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:45,920
What? I wasn't crying.
110
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:46,960
MEN LAUGH
111
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:50,080
Even though
he backed down immediately,
112
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,120
I learned something from Stefan.
113
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,040
When he thought that Lucy
might not love him...
114
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,200
He was wrong!
115
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,520
..he tried to free her.
116
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:58,800
I love him!
117
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,280
THEY LAUGH
118
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:07,040
And, so, I realise now that marriage
is not a form of confinement,
119
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:12,280
of pinning someone down, but an
unselfish offering of yourself.
120
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,360
ALL: Aww!
121
00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:18,040
THEY APPLAUD
122
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,360
Give the people what they want.
123
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,320
But I do mean it.
124
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,040
A toast, then, to not being selfish.
125
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,720
ALL: To not being selfish!
126
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,120
Apart from you.
127
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,120
MAN LAUGHS
128
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,280
All done?
129
00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,240
May I sit with you?
130
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,480
I've been meaning to tell
you something.
131
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:04,680
I've not been...completely honest
about why my wife...
132
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,360
Why...I'm here alone.
133
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,800
She left me.
134
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,440
Two years ago.
135
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,920
Suddenly hated our lives together.
136
00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:22,160
Blamed me.
137
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:27,600
She wanted to go to couples therapy,
but I wouldn't. Waste of time.
138
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:29,040
Load of bloody nonsense.
139
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:30,560
Therapy is theft.
140
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:31,760
Agreed.
141
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,720
But I wanted it to work.
142
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,920
Because I'd thrown away so much.
143
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:45,400
I lost...
144
00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,520
..you...
145
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:49,880
..and the girls.
146
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:55,800
And it's like you said...
147
00:08:55,800 --> 00:09:00,320
..maybe a happy ending justifies all
the horrible stuff along the way.
148
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,400
I know.
149
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,160
I'm so sorry.
150
00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,000
Only took 30 years.
151
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,760
Although, you know, our story
does have a happy ending,
152
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,440
you and me.
153
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:24,760
It's today.
154
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:30,440
We made a person,
and she's getting married.
155
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,280
WHISPERS: Oh...
156
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,560
ALL: Aww.
157
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,080
Don't get distracted by my dad
158
00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:40,200
pretending to be caring
and considerate.
159
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,840
My point is
what it then made Mum do.
160
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,160
I've never thought of it like that.
161
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:50,240
You should feel... It's my big day!
162
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:52,640
SHE LAUGHS
163
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,640
BRIDE GIGGLES
164
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,520
So, you saw him this morning? Mm-hm.
165
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:00,800
Fuck tradition.
166
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:01,880
Yeah.
167
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,320
Yeah, I guess so.
168
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,840
Yeah, definitely.
169
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,400
I don't even believe in bad luck.
170
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,920
Ta-da!
171
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,440
SARA GASPS
172
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:13,800
MUM GIGGLES
173
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,960
And thus, tradition was fucked.
174
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,120
LAUGHTER
175
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,840
Well, I paid for all this.
176
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,320
HUBBUB
177
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:24,840
My day.
178
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:29,640
My parents' love lives mean
I can't take any of this seriously.
179
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,640
To the mother of the bride!
180
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:34,960
Oh, that's me!
181
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,360
To the mother of the bride!
182
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,080
THEY CHEER
183
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:44,960
Who, incredibly, is not the most
selfish person in the room.
184
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,680
KNOCK AT DOOR
185
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,080
We need to talk.
186
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,280
I know now isn't the greatest time.
187
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,920
I babysit enough as it is, Jim.
188
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,000
You should be at
the registry office!
189
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,840
We never even tried, you and me.
190
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,480
Maybe we should give it a go,
for Marie.
191
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:04,920
Thank you, Daddy.
192
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,560
Wh-why?
193
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,280
Er, oh...
194
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,840
Did you get cold feet?
195
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,920
I got cold everything.
196
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,760
I don't know, it's like, I'm 35.
197
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,200
What have I achieved?
198
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,680
My best friend's getting married.
199
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,360
I just thought it's time that
I grew up and got married as well.
200
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,520
What a drama queen.
He's the male you.
201
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:25,560
Oh, my God.
202
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,280
And if I was going to marry anyone,
it would be you.
203
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,200
The same person your best
friend is marrying?!
204
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,960
I didn't think through the details.
205
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,360
Is this because of the boobs?
206
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,920
What? These sudden feelings.
207
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,640
Er...
208
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,240
I don't know. Maybe.
209
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,360
Get up.
210
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,880
And that's how the best man won.
211
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,200
APPLAUSE
212
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,080
Me. I'm be the best man.
213
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,320
No more sharing it.
214
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,920
He got relegated to not the best man
with the rest of you losers,
215
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,280
because there are no good men here.
216
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,040
How did you outrun an Uber?
217
00:11:58,200 --> 00:11:59,880
Oh, no. What's going on?
218
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,800
Don't look.
Don't look, it's bad luck.
219
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:03,880
My best man proposing to my fiancee?
220
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:05,440
Sorry, mate.
221
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,120
Can't say I blame him.
222
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,200
ALL: Aww.
223
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,000
Yucksville.
224
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,440
THEY LAUGH
225
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,080
ALL: Aww.
226
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:24,440
Fucking, "Aww."
227
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,000
This is the bullshit that gives
people false ideals,
228
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:31,920
makes them think that other people
are living lives full of magic
229
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,120
and romance rather than
boredom and pain.
230
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,520
No, no, don't...
231
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,320
Stop talking, right?
Everyone is looking at you.
232
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,880
GUESTS MURMUR
233
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:48,000
Surely, the fact that divorce exists
undermines marriage.
234
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,400
"Oh, I promise to never leave you.
235
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,800
"Unless, of course, I want to."
236
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,560
"Then I'll move to America
with your mum's friend Bernie."
237
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,760
Bernie was a bitch.
"And I'll see you when I see you."
238
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,640
Sara, no.
239
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:07,920
Promising you're going to try
and make someone happy
240
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,920
only means that you're going to try.
241
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,160
And grow.
242
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,000
And learn.
243
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,560
WOMAN: Oh, that's true.
244
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,200
And listen.
245
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,480
And try.
246
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,920
Not because they can't leave,
but because you hope
247
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,400
that if you try your best,
248
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,240
they'll never want to.
249
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,520
ALL: Aww.
250
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,200
Yeah, "Aww."
251
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:42,200
I know you all think that Stefan
is so amazing
252
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,080
and caring and devoted.
253
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,600
And, of course, he is,
254
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,120
because I wrote him.
255
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,480
Hmm?
256
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,600
That is a fictional man,
257
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,880
invented by a woman, me,
258
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:57,800
trying to imagine what a really
selfless hero might be like.
259
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,800
This, him,
260
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,400
it's unrealistic.
261
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,920
I just want you to be happy.
262
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,040
Carol!
263
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,200
I'll make you a dress.
264
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,440
THEY LAUGH
265
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:10,240
SHE SCREAMS
266
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,040
Carol!
267
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:14,240
Are you all right?
268
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,760
I learned to knit.
269
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,520
How is it four? Ah...
270
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,880
That's why I've never
had a successful relationship,
271
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,600
because I'm too good at
inventing them.
272
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,320
I have too clear an idea
of what I want,
273
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,240
and it's clearly too much.
274
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,280
Would you like to meet my brother?
275
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,560
I knew I had a brother
when I was growing up.
276
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,400
I knew it because I missed him.
277
00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:46,880
He's the person who would have
stuck up for me and protected me.
278
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,360
When I got a boyfriend,
he'd have threatened.
279
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,360
Treat her well,
or you'll have me to answer to.
280
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,000
And when Craig didn't treat me well,
281
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,760
when he dumped me in a wedding dress
shop at two in the afternoon,
282
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,280
ten days after proposing...
283
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,440
I'd have gone round there
and said I was very disappointed.
284
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,800
Beaten him up.
285
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,040
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
286
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:06,640
But you look after me.
287
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,640
Of course.
288
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,880
Oh, yeah,
289
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,160
the reason he's American.
290
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,720
Different parents.
291
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,040
He's sexy. So sexy.
292
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:18,360
And he can't break up with me
because we're technically related.
293
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,960
GUESTS BOO
294
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,800
Oh, shut up.
295
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,080
Shut up.
296
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:32,080
My point is, we all fantasise
about loving someone
297
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:35,480
who won't leave us,
someone that it's safe to trust.
298
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,080
You call it marriage.
299
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,120
I call it... Incest.
300
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,000
GUESTS GASP
301
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,480
Right, that's it.
302
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,280
We are all lying to ourselves.
303
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,600
This is not how
an actual person behaves.
304
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,640
All strong and thoughtful
and perfect.
305
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,040
Yeah, no,
306
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,800
Sara's right.
307
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,000
I'm not real.
308
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,320
I made him say that,
because I'm the writer.
309
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,680
I wrote it down,
and then he has to say it.
310
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,560
You're the cleverest girl
in all the world.
311
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,520
Thank you, myself, for writing
that down for you to tell me.
312
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:06,920
I'm not real, either.
313
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,040
MAN: Cut!
BELL RINGS
314
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,520
Just a really good actor.
315
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,280
I was insulted when Sara cast me
saying we look like sisters.
316
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,720
Don't worry about that
hurting my feelings.
317
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,280
I wrote that as well.
318
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,240
Oh! Have you come to stop me?
319
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:23,040
Am I destroying the artifice
that we've created?
320
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,600
No, it's still fictional.
321
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,080
I wrote your entrance on a computer.
322
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:31,920
You were cast by a second AD based
on a photograph from an agency.
323
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,880
The lovely Lee. I got
sent your measurements
324
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,760
and then got you some dweeby clothes
so that you'd look like crew.
325
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,800
Would you like to say something?
326
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,640
No, you can't reply.
327
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,240
I would have to pay you an extra
£300 as a speaking role.
328
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,840
And we're already over budget
because somebody - me -
329
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,760
scripted an all-cast
episode in a marquee.
330
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,360
ALL: Aww.
331
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,280
You do as I tell you,
because I'm in control.
332
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,880
I'm better than a best man.
333
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,120
I'm God.
334
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,240
MICROPHONE SCREECHES
335
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,160
Sorry. Did that seem arrogant?
336
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:09,480
MAN: Oh, dear.
337
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,360
Can I talk to you?
338
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,880
Why aren't you saying my lines?
339
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:19,080
BOTH: Stop doing this.
340
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,360
This is the bit
where you apologise to me.
341
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:22,880
I deserve an apology.
342
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,400
Time for the real truth,
don't you think?
343
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,120
GUESTS MURMUR
344
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,840
WOMAN: So, we're not at a wedding?
345
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,000
There is no one truth.
346
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:41,000
That's what you're finding
unbearable.
347
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:46,800
This struggle is because
you want to be right.
348
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,240
No.
349
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,120
Yes.
350
00:17:58,120 --> 00:17:59,640
It's because you lie.
351
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:03,160
It's made me obsessed.
352
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,080
What's true?!
353
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:09,640
What can I believe?
354
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,880
You can't ever know
what another person is thinking.
355
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,920
Yeah, I know that.
You can't feel their feelings.
356
00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,320
Yes. Can you truly know them?
357
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,640
It's not fair.
358
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:24,520
You wrote me,
and still you don't understand me.
359
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,240
Yes.
360
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,640
Do you know why?
361
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,760
You're a real person.
362
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:38,960
You created yourself, this world,
and a fake family,
363
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:43,200
hoped, by this point,
your dad would make sense.
364
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,720
Yes.
365
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:50,680
You hoped, if you put it in a story,
with an ending...
366
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,160
..it would stop making you sad.
367
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,520
I thought I could come up
with a sentence, like,
368
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,440
"People are good and bad
all at the same time,"
369
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:13,400
or, "People can leave you
and still love you."
370
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:19,640
Or, "Adulthood is a prison
for children that didn't die."
371
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:21,520
And I thought...
372
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,280
..it would make everything OK.
373
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:24,760
HE LAUGHS WEAKLY
374
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:34,880
Lies and stories are very similar.
375
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,400
If you want my advice...
376
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,280
You should've put some jokes
in this bit.
377
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:09,120
MUFFLED PARTY MUSIC
378
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:23,960
SHE SIGHS
379
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,160
What I hate about happy endings
is how much I want one.
380
00:20:38,360 --> 00:20:42,520
♪ It's all about you tonight
381
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,560
♪ And how love is all around you
382
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,240
♪ Finally it found you
383
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,840
♪ It's all about you
384
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,280
♪ So take what you need
385
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,080
♪ It's all right
386
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:02,200
♪ Just let the love surround you
387
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,760
♪ Finally it found you
388
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:11,000
♪ It's all about you...♪
389
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,040
What's the point of happiness
if it doesn't last?
390
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:47,960
Stupid thing to say.
391
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,960
Of course we have a future.
Everyone has.
392
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:54,080
But your complete refusal to discuss
ours makes me think that we don't.
393
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,320
Are you breaking up with me
at a wedding?
394
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,920
Finally, some delicious drama.
395
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,760
Yeah, break up a wedding.
396
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,800
Give me my friend back!
397
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,360
Stop pushing me.
398
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,640
In a month's time,
we are going to have a son.
399
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,680
Yes. And we can talk about that
in a month's time.
400
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,920
But you're keeping it all
to yourself.
401
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,280
All of the baby, all of you.
402
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:22,080
I'm so lonely.
403
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,960
Good! Be lonely.
404
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,360
Loneliness is real.
405
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,640
Yes! More drama.
406
00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,480
SIRENS WAIL
407
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,120
SHE LAUGHS
408
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:35,120
Oh, it's funny how things end up,
isn't it?
409
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:37,120
It really is.
410
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:38,400
SHE LAUGHS
411
00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,880
It's been fun.
412
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,280
SIREN WHOOPS
413
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,400
Let go, eh? I'm not a conga.
414
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,000
Lewis?
415
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,560
Where are you going? Oh, shit.
416
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,840
SHE GASPS
417
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,560
He's here!
418
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,320
Have you seen my stepfather?
419
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,360
Lewis!
420
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:12,640
I've killed no-one.
But they'll never believe me.
421
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:15,160
GLASSWARE SMASHES
422
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:25,520
SHE GASPS
423
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,960
You're Bernie's son.
424
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:32,520
Yeah.
425
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,520
Yippee!
426
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,440
He's my brother,
but we're not related.
427
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,760
She's not using her cards
or passport.
428
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,680
Lewis told me she'd gone skiing,
429
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,440
but that was four months ago.
430
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:47,640
Are you sure?
431
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,400
I mean, he's a shit husband,
but he never murdered me.
432
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:58,880
He killed her so he could
get back with me.
433
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,160
HE GASPS
434
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:01,560
It's not that, Mum.
435
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,120
SHE SIGHS
436
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,200
Sometimes a revenge body
can be too powerful.
437
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:21,920
Sara falls in love?
438
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:24,040
This isn't satisfying, is it?
439
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,120
My dad,
440
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,880
all people,
441
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:31,040
are good and bad at the same time.
442
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:32,960
GUESTS: Rubbish! Boo!
443
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:37,960
People can leave you
and still love you.
444
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,240
GUESTS BOO
445
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,480
Even I don't believe this.
What a load of crap.
446
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,320
Adulthood is
a prison for children who...
447
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,360
GUEST: Boo.
448
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,480
Boo.
449
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:49,920
Why couldn't you just let me
have a nice wedding?
450
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,560
Because I wanted to be truthful,
didn't I?
451
00:24:58,560 --> 00:25:00,800
There's no such thing as
a happy ending,
452
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:03,520
because the only true
ending is death.
453
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,840
What are you doing?
454
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:08,480
Being happy.
455
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:09,520
Get out.
456
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,280
Today was the best day of my life.
457
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,360
Oh, you look so beautiful.
458
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,640
She'll get old.
459
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:22,440
Yep.
460
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,160
All of us are going to die one day.
461
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:25,400
Even me?
462
00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:31,800
What's the point, Sara?
This won't last forever, so...?
463
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,040
"This omelette won't last
until the end of time,
464
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,720
"so I'd better not eat
this omelette."
465
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,440
Yeah, "Oh, these socks
are going to wear out,
466
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,120
"so I'd better
walk around barefoot."
467
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:41,440
HE LAUGHS
468
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:43,240
This is bigger than socks and eggs.
469
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,360
This is about...
470
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:46,400
Fear.
471
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:47,920
Yes.
472
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,680
Fear of feeling things.
473
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,720
I'm really scared.
474
00:25:57,720 --> 00:25:59,360
Feelings are just chemicals.
475
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,000
You're my family.
476
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,160
Aww.
477
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,360
Guess who snogged Bernie's son!
478
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,240
SHE LAUGHS
479
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:08,800
GUESTS: Whoa-ho-ho!
480
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,360
Oh!
481
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,200
Revenge is best served cold.
482
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:13,920
THEY CHEER
483
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:16,120
Please, don't let any of this
undermine the point
484
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:20,040
I'm trying to make about how the
human experience is mostly misery.
485
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,600
Happiness is fleeting.
486
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,280
OK, everyone, I've got
an announcement.
487
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:25,640
We mustn't worship it.
We mustn't expect it.
488
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,320
Stefan and I...
489
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:28,680
We're having a baby! No!
490
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:30,200
No!
491
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,000
I can't end on a pregnancy.
492
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,480
This isn't fair.
493
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,320
There is literally nothing
more literally the start
494
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,000
than a pregnancy.
495
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,520
Having a baby is really
bad for the environment.
496
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:44,600
Oh!
497
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:46,840
If everybody stops having children,
we can all stop...
498
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,440
Ah, never mind.
499
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:55,680
MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS
33869
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