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1
00:00:02,327 --> 00:00:04,966
♪ They say l might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,807 --> 00:00:08,605
♪ That l am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,287 --> 00:00:12,723
♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,767 --> 00:00:16,157
♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,207 --> 00:00:20,246
♪ l may be over the hillnow that l have retired
6
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:23,563
♪ Fading away but l'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:27,725
♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,767 --> 00:00:30,201
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
9
00:00:32,047 --> 00:00:34,356
(Crowd cheers on TV)
10
00:00:35,847 --> 00:00:38,236
Pass it up, for Christ's sake.
11
00:00:38,287 --> 00:00:42,803
Look at him. He's taking it for a bloody
sightseeing tour of Milan. Get rid of it!
12
00:00:42,847 --> 00:00:44,280
(Doorbell rings)
13
00:00:44,327 --> 00:00:47,956
- Who's that, for goodness' sake?
- Oh, give me a break.
14
00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:52,876
Why don't you just gift-wrap the bloody
ball and tie a ribbon on it for him?
15
00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:58,445
No, no. Come in. Jack, it's Mr Meldrew
from over the road. They had a robbery.
16
00:00:58,487 --> 00:01:02,036
lt's just there, love. Help yourself.
lsn't that terrible?
17
00:01:02,087 --> 00:01:05,636
- Oh, dear. When was this, this morning?
- Just now.
18
00:01:05,687 --> 00:01:10,556
We'd been shopping. We were only gone
an hour. We came back and the whole...
19
00:01:10,607 --> 00:01:13,804
Hello. Could l have the police, please?
20
00:01:13,847 --> 00:01:17,522
You see? l told you they were burglars.
21
00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:19,956
That's 50p you owe me.
22
00:01:20,007 --> 00:01:24,637
You've got to be joking. l don't know
why this ref isn't wearing an ltalian shirt.
23
00:01:24,687 --> 00:01:27,326
- What do you mean?
- Sorry?
24
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:31,201
What do you mean,
that's 50p she owes you?
25
00:01:31,247 --> 00:01:33,397
You told her they were burglars?
26
00:01:33,447 --> 00:01:37,486
Erm... Well, there were
these four men earlier on.
27
00:01:37,527 --> 00:01:41,076
- Dressed a bit like the SAS.
- Doing what?
28
00:01:41,127 --> 00:01:45,484
Erm...they were coming out of your
front door carrying a three-piece suite.
29
00:01:45,527 --> 00:01:48,883
One winked and gave me
a thumbs-up sign.
30
00:01:48,927 --> 00:01:51,680
l assumed they were removal men.
31
00:01:51,727 --> 00:01:54,002
Winked and gave you a thumbs-up sign?
32
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:58,404
Removal men, be buggered. l said to her,
''l bet they're stealing his furniture.''
33
00:01:58,447 --> 00:02:02,998
''You've been watching too many
episodes of Crimewatch'' was all l got.
34
00:02:03,047 --> 00:02:05,686
Oh! Oh... This could be dangerous.
35
00:02:05,727 --> 00:02:08,321
Whoa! Well saved! Yes!
36
00:02:08,367 --> 00:02:13,999
You watched them take it out and all
you did was say, ''l bet they're burglars''?
37
00:02:14,047 --> 00:02:17,244
They were ransacking my bloody house.
38
00:02:17,287 --> 00:02:22,805
They were nice as ninepence to us.
Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet.
39
00:02:22,847 --> 00:02:26,476
You can't go by appearances.
That's how they get away with...
40
00:02:26,527 --> 00:02:30,645
What? What do you mean,
''Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet''?
41
00:02:30,687 --> 00:02:34,760
- They weren't in here, were they?
- They said it was thirsty work.
42
00:02:34,807 --> 00:02:39,085
The one with the tattoo on his nose said
he could murder a mug of Quick Brew.
43
00:02:39,127 --> 00:02:42,517
Very thirsty work?
l should think it bloody was.
44
00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:46,560
There they were stripping my house
to bits in broad daylight
45
00:02:46,607 --> 00:02:50,077
as merry as you please,
and you invite them in for tea?
46
00:02:50,127 --> 00:02:53,961
What is this, Buster Edwards's
private catering company?
47
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:58,398
And two boxes of Mr Kipling's
almond slices they wolfed back.
48
00:02:58,447 --> 00:03:01,439
Talk about gannets.
Wonder they didn't eat the plates.
49
00:03:01,487 --> 00:03:05,639
l'm beginning to regret giving them
that jumpstart for their van now.
50
00:03:05,687 --> 00:03:09,919
Whoa! Just shaved the woodwork.
Bad luck, my son.
51
00:03:09,967 --> 00:03:13,004
Jumpstart their... You're not serious?
52
00:03:13,047 --> 00:03:17,837
The van wouldn't start. We were
only trying to be good Samaritans.
53
00:03:17,887 --> 00:03:22,961
Good Samaritans? Oh, hello?
Yes. l'd like to report a burglary, please.
54
00:03:23,927 --> 00:03:26,999
And two extremely brutal murders.
55
00:03:28,607 --> 00:03:32,725
(Margaret) l want to disinfect the place
from top to bottom.
56
00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:37,238
Just have to leave it to those two
detectives. Hope they can catch them.
57
00:03:37,287 --> 00:03:41,883
Detectives? l thought it was two
schoolboys asking for their ball back.
58
00:03:41,927 --> 00:03:45,840
One of them walked like a duck.
l suppose you noticed that.
59
00:03:45,887 --> 00:03:49,277
They were a bit young,
but they were very methodical.
60
00:03:49,327 --> 00:03:52,797
Walking like a duck doesn't mean
he can't do his job.
61
00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:55,645
Like being interviewed
by Titch and Quackers.
62
00:03:55,687 --> 00:03:58,485
Look at this.
You can't tell me this is methodical.
63
00:03:58,527 --> 00:04:01,963
Dusting a cucumber for fingerprints?
64
00:04:02,007 --> 00:04:04,316
l thought it had mildew. Look at it.
65
00:04:05,727 --> 00:04:10,323
ln the bathroom, l saw them spraying
their stuff on the lavatory seat.
66
00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:15,395
What's the idea? Scotland Yard has
everyone's buttocks on file, have they?
67
00:04:16,607 --> 00:04:20,316
Now you know what it's like
with you and your talcum powder.
68
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:23,245
- What do you mean?
- Lift the lid on that seat,
69
00:04:23,287 --> 00:04:27,405
you'd think
someone had spilt a sherbet dab.
70
00:04:27,447 --> 00:04:31,360
Anyway, can we just drop
the whole thing now, please?
71
00:04:31,407 --> 00:04:34,558
l've just about had enough for one day.
72
00:04:35,487 --> 00:04:37,717
Oh...God!
73
00:04:37,767 --> 00:04:42,045
lt's a wonder they managed to get
through these doors to steal anything.
74
00:04:42,087 --> 00:04:48,560
Three weeks this carpet's been down.
Will we ever get them shaved or not?
75
00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:50,484
Sorry?
76
00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:56,159
They're driving me up the bloody wall,
on top of everything else.
77
00:04:56,207 --> 00:04:59,358
We agreed we'd wait for Chippie Joe
to come back from holiday.
78
00:04:59,407 --> 00:05:02,399
There's no point getting charged
an arm and a leg.
79
00:05:02,447 --> 00:05:07,475
They've left behind that bottle
of dodgy Greek brandy. You want some?
80
00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:09,995
l suppose, yes.
81
00:05:10,047 --> 00:05:14,279
We've still got all the joys of reporting it
to the insurance company.
82
00:05:14,327 --> 00:05:17,842
That'll be about as much fun
as a kidney infection.
83
00:05:19,247 --> 00:05:21,238
Thanks.
84
00:05:23,687 --> 00:05:26,520
(Both sigh)
85
00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:31,397
Yes, l'm enjoying this glass of glue.
86
00:05:33,887 --> 00:05:35,684
Oh...
87
00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,797
What a day.
88
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:43,845
Oh. By the way, l've managed to get us
out of Meg's wedding on Saturday.
89
00:05:43,887 --> 00:05:48,756
So you needn't shoot yourself in the foot
to be excused attendance.
90
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:51,480
You know what l'm like with weddings.
91
00:05:51,527 --> 00:05:56,999
lt was bad enough at your nephew's
last year when that organ exploded.
92
00:05:57,047 --> 00:05:58,526
Don't remind me.
93
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:03,516
The father of the bride coming down
with an unfortunate fungal infection.
94
00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:08,118
Your mother turned round and thought
it was the phantom of the opera.
95
00:06:09,407 --> 00:06:12,683
Thought we'd never get her
to stop screaming.
96
00:06:12,727 --> 00:06:17,084
God, that bloody video camera man
they hired.
97
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:22,520
Got us to pose under a tree
and a bird's nest fell on my head.
98
00:06:23,527 --> 00:06:26,200
Stood there like Jesus of Nazareth.
99
00:06:27,167 --> 00:06:30,284
And egg yolk dribbling down my nose.
100
00:06:31,247 --> 00:06:33,283
l told her a white lie.
101
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:37,559
l said you'd been rushed to hospital
for an emergency prostate operation.
102
00:06:39,047 --> 00:06:41,038
l had?
103
00:06:41,087 --> 00:06:43,999
You can still get her a present.
104
00:06:44,047 --> 00:06:49,485
She said she could do with a decent pair
of salad tongs. l'll see what l can find.
105
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:53,522
Mmm... (Sighs)
106
00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:59,243
l couldn't believe that pair
across the road today.
107
00:06:59,287 --> 00:07:04,520
Every time you go into their house,
all they're doing is watching television.
108
00:07:04,567 --> 00:07:06,364
l know.
109
00:07:06,407 --> 00:07:11,197
lt's amazing to think that's all
some people's lives revolve around.
110
00:07:11,247 --> 00:07:14,478
A box in the corner of the room.
111
00:07:14,527 --> 00:07:17,997
You take it away
and you wonder what they find to do.
112
00:07:18,047 --> 00:07:20,117
l know.
113
00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:32,687
Ruth Rendell'll be on now.
114
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,837
Good God. Really?
115
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:41,921
You see, that's exactly what l mean.
Takes over your whole bloody life.
116
00:07:41,967 --> 00:07:46,279
You sit there
gazing at all that tripe night after night.
117
00:07:46,327 --> 00:07:49,683
From now on, we can do without it.
118
00:07:49,727 --> 00:07:53,800
What? You mean not get another one?
119
00:07:53,847 --> 00:07:55,997
Should have done it years ago.
120
00:07:56,047 --> 00:08:00,404
lt'll give us a chance to get out and do
something worthwhile of an evening.
121
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,598
Get out?
122
00:08:04,687 --> 00:08:06,325
Where?
123
00:08:06,367 --> 00:08:08,517
(Dance music, loud chatter)
124
00:08:09,687 --> 00:08:12,121
(Cash register beeps and clatters)
125
00:08:19,647 --> 00:08:22,161
l don't believe it.
126
00:08:22,207 --> 00:08:25,404
- Sorry?
- l thought it was when l was over there.
127
00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:30,564
You don't remember me, do you?
Billy Whitney.
128
00:08:30,607 --> 00:08:33,326
lB, Stopsley Road Secondary.
129
00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:40,922
Billy Whitney... My God! Billy Whitney!
130
00:08:40,967 --> 00:08:45,643
This must be the coincidence of all time.
lt must be...50 years.
131
00:08:45,687 --> 00:08:50,044
God, how are you? l'd never have...
No, actually, you haven't changed.
132
00:08:50,087 --> 00:08:52,476
You haven't changed a bit.
133
00:08:52,527 --> 00:08:58,796
My God. Stopsley Road, eh? There were
some characters there in those days, eh?
134
00:08:58,847 --> 00:09:00,644
Oh, God, yes.
135
00:09:01,567 --> 00:09:05,480
Who was that bloke that kept putting
his face in the tomato soup?
136
00:09:05,527 --> 00:09:09,918
Bit of a mummy's boy.
Always wore a balaclava in the showers.
137
00:09:10,847 --> 00:09:13,645
Er... Er...
138
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,201
- Poxy Gateskill.
- Gaskill.
139
00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:19,080
Gaskill, that's right. Poxy Gaskill.
140
00:09:20,287 --> 00:09:23,882
And that mad character
with trousers like a circus clown.
141
00:09:23,927 --> 00:09:29,399
Everyone used to stick handkerchiefs
in their mouths to stop laughing.
142
00:09:29,447 --> 00:09:31,358
What was his name?
143
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,642
Deary me... Er...
144
00:09:35,527 --> 00:09:37,882
Meldrew. Victor Meldrew.
145
00:09:40,687 --> 00:09:43,724
Oh, God, he was a pillock, wasn't he, eh?
146
00:09:46,967 --> 00:09:51,199
There was a big drawing of him
on the wall in the girls' toilets.
147
00:09:52,687 --> 00:09:55,599
l can see it to this day.
148
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:04,604
Oh, yes. You'd remember him, Steve,
because a lot of people thought...
149
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:09,118
A lot of people thought the two of you
looked a bit similar at one time of day.
150
00:10:09,167 --> 00:10:14,321
Victor Meldrew, eh? Yeah, he was
a right bastard now l come to think of it.
151
00:10:16,247 --> 00:10:19,319
Yes, well, actually, Billy, l think...
152
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:21,676
Christ, yes, l remember now.
153
00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:25,766
l gave him my hamster one year
to look after while l was on holiday.
154
00:10:25,807 --> 00:10:29,322
l came home
and found that his cat had eaten it.
155
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:33,838
l mean, that was bad enough,
except he tried to palm it off as a suicide.
156
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:38,364
He gave me some tale
about it throwing itself off the sideboard
157
00:10:38,407 --> 00:10:41,285
into the path of a speeding marble.
158
00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:45,525
Said his mother must have been
crossbred with a lemming or something.
159
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:48,843
Yeah, l'd forgotten every word about it
until now.
160
00:10:48,887 --> 00:10:51,447
Yes, well, l'm sure it was an accident.
161
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:57,839
Hello, stranger.
We can't get away from each other.
162
00:10:57,887 --> 00:11:00,845
Meg! l...didn't know this was your local.
163
00:11:00,887 --> 00:11:04,926
No, it's one of Billy's.
l'm not sure if he's here yet.
164
00:11:04,967 --> 00:11:07,276
Oh, yes. There he is.
165
00:11:08,447 --> 00:11:11,678
- You've been up to hospital, have you?
- Sorry?
166
00:11:11,727 --> 00:11:14,321
Vodka and tonic, please. How is he?
167
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:17,279
Nasty things, prostates.
168
00:11:17,327 --> 00:11:19,682
(Meg) My first husband had one.
169
00:11:19,727 --> 00:11:23,163
Said it was like
trying to empty a hot water bottle
170
00:11:23,207 --> 00:11:25,801
with someone standing on the nozzle.
171
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:31,079
Anyway, now you're here, you can
come and say hello to my intended.
172
00:11:31,127 --> 00:11:34,915
- Or are you meeting someone else?
- No, no.
173
00:11:34,967 --> 00:11:37,879
l just fancied a quick one. You know.
174
00:11:40,647 --> 00:11:43,161
- Hello, love.
- Oh, hello.
175
00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:45,801
Sorry l'm late. Buses again.
176
00:11:47,647 --> 00:11:50,525
This is Margaret from the florist.
177
00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:55,721
You remember. l said her husband was
rushed to hospital with leaky plumbing.
178
00:11:57,607 --> 00:12:01,361
Nice to meet you, Margaret.
How's he doing? All right?
179
00:12:01,407 --> 00:12:04,558
ln absolute agony,
l should think, isn't he?
180
00:12:04,607 --> 00:12:07,201
l would imagine so, yes.
181
00:12:08,927 --> 00:12:13,000
Oh, l'm sorry. This is an old mate
of mine, Steve Posnett.
182
00:12:13,047 --> 00:12:14,526
This is...
183
00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:19,483
This is Meg,
my bride-to-be on Saturday, and...
184
00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:23,679
- Hello, Steve.
- This is Margaret from the same shop.
185
00:12:23,727 --> 00:12:26,719
Pleased to meet you, Steve.
186
00:12:26,767 --> 00:12:29,964
How do you do? Nice to meet you.
187
00:12:31,807 --> 00:12:34,605
So you live near here, then, Margaret?
188
00:12:34,647 --> 00:12:37,207
Er... Riverbank.
189
00:12:37,247 --> 00:12:40,239
Oh, l know it.
Very handy for the rubbish tip.
190
00:12:40,287 --> 00:12:42,562
And what about you, Steve?
191
00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:44,802
- Mmm?
- Where do you live?
192
00:12:47,487 --> 00:12:50,957
Er... Dunne Hill.
193
00:12:52,087 --> 00:12:55,523
Up by the park. That's quite near us.
194
00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:57,319
ls it?
195
00:12:57,367 --> 00:13:01,599
l know this is going to sound silly
and l should have said it before, but...
196
00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,764
Oh, Meg! Let me show you.
197
00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:08,076
What do you think of these?
198
00:13:08,127 --> 00:13:12,120
l...bought them in that little shop.
You know, just inside the mall?
199
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,397
Oh, Margaret...
200
00:13:14,447 --> 00:13:18,122
They're lovely. Very elegant.
201
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:23,002
- Not too expensive, l hope.
- l'll wrap them up. Do it properly.
202
00:13:23,047 --> 00:13:26,357
lsn't that sweet?
l told her we could do with a pair.
203
00:13:26,407 --> 00:13:29,479
Crackerjack, love.
Sorry, Steve. You were saying...
204
00:13:29,527 --> 00:13:33,486
Well, l know this is going
to sound foolish, but... Aaaahhh!
205
00:13:39,487 --> 00:13:41,637
lt's just...
206
00:13:44,207 --> 00:13:45,242
Yes?
207
00:13:46,487 --> 00:13:49,604
Would...anyone like another drink at all?
208
00:13:50,207 --> 00:13:53,244
(Margaret) Thanks a lot. That's lovely.
209
00:13:53,287 --> 00:13:56,279
(Meg) See you tomorrow. 8:30 sharp.
210
00:13:56,327 --> 00:13:59,399
- Night. Lovely to meet you.
- You too, Billy.
211
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:04,123
- Good night, Mr Posnett.
- Good night, er...
212
00:14:04,167 --> 00:14:07,796
Actually, l've just thought.
213
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,078
Erm... l can get out here
and walk the rest of the way.
214
00:14:11,127 --> 00:14:13,925
Are you mad? lt's miles.
215
00:14:13,967 --> 00:14:17,039
lt'll bucket down any minute.
We go right past your road.
216
00:14:19,367 --> 00:14:21,085
Yes.
217
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,120
Yurch...
218
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:25,759
Thanks.
219
00:14:25,807 --> 00:14:28,879
- Good night, then.
- Bye.
220
00:14:33,047 --> 00:14:36,039
(Thunder rumbles)
221
00:14:36,087 --> 00:14:39,397
l feel so sorry for that woman.
222
00:14:39,447 --> 00:14:43,406
- Why's that, then?
- Her husband's a mental case.
223
00:14:44,727 --> 00:14:47,082
l haven't met him, but by all accounts,
224
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:50,358
it's a blessing
they're not coming to the wedding.
225
00:14:53,847 --> 00:14:55,997
Which one is it, Steve?
226
00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:58,038
Erm...
227
00:14:58,087 --> 00:15:01,966
- Just the next corner here.
- Righty-ho.
228
00:15:02,007 --> 00:15:05,556
Right, well... Thanks very much, then.
229
00:15:05,607 --> 00:15:07,882
- Good night, Meg.
- Good night, Steve.
230
00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:11,958
Good night.
231
00:15:42,487 --> 00:15:45,718
(Groans) Oh, my...
232
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,997
God...
233
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,485
Aahh!
234
00:15:57,527 --> 00:16:00,325
What are you up to?
l thought you'd gone in.
235
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:05,043
You don't think l could use your loo,
do you? l should have gone in the pub.
236
00:16:05,087 --> 00:16:08,682
l don't think l'm going to last
otherwise, see.
237
00:16:09,807 --> 00:16:15,996
Yes, well, l'd really rather not waken
anyone up at this time of night.
238
00:16:16,047 --> 00:16:20,882
You go on in. You're getting soaked
to the skin, man. l'll be fine.
239
00:16:20,927 --> 00:16:23,077
Yes. Right.
240
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:37,642
(Toilet flushes)
241
00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:05,718
l've been looking for this bloody thing
everywhere.
242
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,806
(Footsteps)
243
00:17:10,847 --> 00:17:12,246
(Victor sneezes)
244
00:17:18,487 --> 00:17:22,844
l don't know why you had to get up.
You'd feel better if you stayed in bed.
245
00:17:22,887 --> 00:17:26,197
(Croaks) l feel worse when l stay in bed.
246
00:17:29,687 --> 00:17:31,325
(Coughs)
247
00:17:31,367 --> 00:17:34,484
You're not going to have an argument
with Chippie Joe now.
248
00:17:34,527 --> 00:17:37,837
Four hours l waited in for him yesterday.
249
00:17:37,887 --> 00:17:40,879
Why can't people come
when they say they will?
250
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,723
(Music blares)
251
00:17:45,767 --> 00:17:49,840
Listen. l'm picking up Radio Five again.
252
00:17:51,647 --> 00:17:56,801
l go to buy a new telephone
and l come back with Jodrell Bank.
253
00:17:56,847 --> 00:18:00,999
l won't kiss you because of the germs.
l'll see you later. Bye.
254
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,958
Bye.
255
00:18:03,007 --> 00:18:04,759
(Knock on door)
256
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:08,800
Morning, Mr Meldrew. You well?
257
00:18:08,847 --> 00:18:13,682
- (Hoarse) Where the hell have you been?
- We did say Wednesday, didn't we?
258
00:18:20,487 --> 00:18:23,604
How much
do you want off these exactly?
259
00:18:23,647 --> 00:18:28,482
(Croaks) Just enough so they open
but not enough for a draught.
260
00:18:28,527 --> 00:18:31,917
l said how much do you want off these,
Mr Meldrew?
261
00:18:33,207 --> 00:18:35,198
Just shave them.
262
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,477
A quick shave. Anything off the top?
263
00:18:37,527 --> 00:18:40,803
Yes. l'll have a shampoo and set.
264
00:18:40,847 --> 00:18:45,841
And some blond highlights
at the handles. Just get on with it.
265
00:18:45,887 --> 00:18:48,640
- (Coughs)
- (Joe sings)
266
00:18:51,687 --> 00:18:55,885
l suppose you know you've got
a chicken's head in your geraniums.
267
00:18:58,247 --> 00:19:02,320
And your postman's leg's
got a piece of drainpipe in it.
268
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:06,758
Look, who's doing this bloody jigsaw,
you or me?
269
00:19:06,807 --> 00:19:09,560
Only trying to be of assistance.
270
00:19:24,207 --> 00:19:26,118
(Coughs)
271
00:19:31,447 --> 00:19:32,926
(Sneezes)
272
00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:41,042
Looks like you've got a bit of a cold
coming on there, Mr Meldrew.
273
00:19:42,127 --> 00:19:43,879
(Phone rings)
274
00:19:48,927 --> 00:19:50,804
(Music)
275
00:19:52,687 --> 00:19:55,804
Will you get off this bloody line?
276
00:19:56,727 --> 00:19:59,446
l've just about had enough of this.
277
00:20:05,567 --> 00:20:08,400
- Hello. Operator. Can l help you?
- Hello?
278
00:20:08,447 --> 00:20:12,156
(Hoarse)
You call this a bloody telephone service?
279
00:20:13,047 --> 00:20:15,038
(Engaged tone)
280
00:20:18,407 --> 00:20:21,080
l'll try them again later.
281
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,798
(Coughs)
282
00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:03,005
For God's sake.
He's supposed to have done this door.
283
00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,683
(Crockery smashes)
284
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:19,886
Oh. l was gonna say
be careful with this door, Mr Meldrew.
285
00:21:21,607 --> 00:21:23,996
l haven't screwed it back in yet.
286
00:22:03,927 --> 00:22:06,316
You won't see it from there.
287
00:22:08,007 --> 00:22:11,886
- What?
- Columbo on Mrs Aylesbury's television.
288
00:22:13,927 --> 00:22:16,964
l was just wondering
what episode it was.
289
00:22:17,007 --> 00:22:20,238
Still, l've seen them all
a dozen times anyway.
290
00:23:22,727 --> 00:23:25,719
Oh, for God's sake!
291
00:23:26,567 --> 00:23:31,766
Will you sit down and stop fidgeting
about like you've got St Vitus' Dance?
292
00:23:32,807 --> 00:23:35,275
- What's the matter with you?
- Me?
293
00:23:35,327 --> 00:23:37,841
- l knew this would happen.
- What?
294
00:23:37,887 --> 00:23:41,562
Getting all tetchy
because you don't have a TV to watch.
295
00:23:43,407 --> 00:23:46,956
Tel... Me... lt's you.
You don't know where you are.
296
00:23:47,007 --> 00:23:48,918
Who doesn't?
297
00:23:48,967 --> 00:23:52,516
l'd get more peace
with a family of orang-utans.
298
00:23:52,567 --> 00:23:56,116
l don't miss it. You needn't think that.
l don't miss it at all.
299
00:23:56,167 --> 00:23:59,637
l'm only too glad
of a chance to do other things.
300
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,478
(Doorbell)
301
00:24:09,167 --> 00:24:11,283
- Oh. lt's them back.
- Who?
302
00:24:11,327 --> 00:24:14,956
The two detectives. They'll probably
tell us about our furniture.
303
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:20,959
(Murmuring)
304
00:24:21,007 --> 00:24:23,362
(Victor) Ah. Yes. Right.
305
00:24:25,567 --> 00:24:29,242
- l'm just off to the police station.
- What for? What's happened?
306
00:24:29,287 --> 00:24:31,847
Er... l've been arrested.
307
00:24:33,047 --> 00:24:35,925
Apparently. l won't be a tick.
308
00:24:40,047 --> 00:24:44,438
Evening, Mrs Meldrew. l'm afraid
we've got to take your husband away
309
00:24:44,487 --> 00:24:46,364
to help with our enquiries.
310
00:24:46,407 --> 00:24:50,559
- As they say in the police force.
- What's he supposed to have done?
311
00:24:50,607 --> 00:24:54,600
Earlier today, a phone call
of an unusually indecent nature
312
00:24:54,647 --> 00:25:00,563
traced back to this number was made to
a young lady working at British Telecom.
313
00:25:00,607 --> 00:25:06,204
The usual low husky voice
whispering a stream of obscenities.
314
00:25:06,247 --> 00:25:08,317
Obscenities?
315
00:25:08,367 --> 00:25:10,642
The line was not a good one
316
00:25:10,687 --> 00:25:14,726
but she distinctly remembers
the caller's use of the graphic phrases,
317
00:25:14,767 --> 00:25:20,046
''Stark bollock naked''
and ''Dripping all down my legs''.
318
00:25:20,087 --> 00:25:24,956
Why your husband would want
to spread dripping all down his legs
319
00:25:25,007 --> 00:25:30,559
is of course something it's probably best
to draw a veil over for the time being.
320
00:25:30,607 --> 00:25:33,405
Suffice it to say that
by snapping into action at once,
321
00:25:33,447 --> 00:25:35,802
we were able to link this incident
322
00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:40,125
with another one being investigated
by our colleagues at Morten Road ClD.
323
00:25:40,167 --> 00:25:42,397
Relating to a midnight prowler
324
00:25:42,447 --> 00:25:44,563
who was frightened off last night
325
00:25:44,607 --> 00:25:48,077
whilst breaking into the house
of a young divorced mother of three
326
00:25:48,127 --> 00:25:50,641
in the Dunne Hill area.
327
00:25:51,607 --> 00:25:55,122
The lady gave us
quite a nifty description of the offender
328
00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:57,158
seen through her back window
329
00:25:57,207 --> 00:26:01,803
and claims the resulting photofit
to be an extremely accurate likeness.
330
00:26:05,887 --> 00:26:10,438
And of course once we were able to
match up the prints on her doorknob
331
00:26:10,487 --> 00:26:14,878
with those taken from your husband
for elimination purposes the other day,
332
00:26:14,927 --> 00:26:20,524
the various pieces of the whole grisly
jigsaw slotted neatly into place.
333
00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:27,035
- ls that a piece of drainpipe in his leg?
- l believe it is.
334
00:26:28,487 --> 00:26:31,684
Right. All ready to go.
After you, Constable.
335
00:26:31,727 --> 00:26:35,163
Oh, yes. Right.
336
00:26:41,607 --> 00:26:44,838
l think he misses his police programmes.
337
00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:52,565
Right. That's about it, then, Mrs Meldrew.
338
00:26:52,607 --> 00:26:57,203
28-inch Nicam Fastext. We can have it
delivered to you first thing Monday.
339
00:26:57,247 --> 00:27:00,239
- Not until then?
- ls that all right for you?
340
00:27:00,287 --> 00:27:02,357
All right?
341
00:27:03,647 --> 00:27:08,721
l have just spent the most unutterably
miserable week of my entire life
342
00:27:08,767 --> 00:27:11,884
coping with a husband
deprived of his television set.
343
00:27:11,927 --> 00:27:16,159
lf l have to prolong that agony for
another hour, let alone another weekend,
344
00:27:16,207 --> 00:27:21,600
l may just do something very regrettable
with a pair of razor-tipped salad tongs.
345
00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:27,558
Erm... l'll just have a word with dispatch
for you. l won't be a second.
346
00:27:34,127 --> 00:27:36,721
(Screaming and laughter on TVs)
347
00:27:41,047 --> 00:27:44,244
On lTV this Saturday at 8,
348
00:27:44,287 --> 00:27:50,317
Jeremy Beadle introduces another crazycatalogue of riotous video clips
349
00:27:50,367 --> 00:27:55,043
sent in by you the viewersin You've Been Framed!
350
00:28:08,927 --> 00:28:12,522
The ''yolk's'' on youthe public once again
351
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:15,877
here at 8 o'clock this Saturday night
352
00:28:15,927 --> 00:28:18,521
on lTV.
353
00:28:18,567 --> 00:28:25,006
You're in luck. We can have your new
TV set with you Saturday afternoon at 3.
354
00:28:25,047 --> 00:28:28,357
(# Mission lmpossible theme
plays on TVs)
355
00:28:28,407 --> 00:28:30,716
No, that's all right.
356
00:28:30,767 --> 00:28:33,486
Monday morning will be fine.
357
00:28:38,007 --> 00:28:41,397
♪ They say l might as well face the truth
358
00:28:41,447 --> 00:28:44,883
♪ That l am just too long in the tooth
359
00:28:44,927 --> 00:28:47,964
♪ l've started to deteriorate
360
00:28:48,007 --> 00:28:51,556
♪ And now l've passedmy own sell-by date
361
00:28:51,607 --> 00:28:55,395
♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
362
00:28:55,447 --> 00:28:58,883
♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew
363
00:28:58,927 --> 00:29:02,078
♪ And my old kneeshave started to knock
364
00:29:02,127 --> 00:29:05,358
♪ l've just got too many mileson the clock
365
00:29:05,407 --> 00:29:09,480
♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly,set-in-my-ways
366
00:29:09,527 --> 00:29:13,156
♪ lt's true that my bodyhas seen better days
367
00:29:13,207 --> 00:29:16,438
♪ But give me half a chanceand l can still misbehave
368
00:29:17,127 --> 00:29:19,322
♪ One foot in the grave
369
00:29:20,447 --> 00:29:22,836
♪ One foot in the grave
370
00:29:23,967 --> 00:29:26,879
♪ One foot in the grave ♪
31128
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