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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,170
(laughter)
2
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:04,205
How did you come to write
The Feminine Mystique?
3
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:05,973
I thought there was
something wrong with me
4
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,143
because I didn't have
an orgasm waxing
the kitchen floor.
5
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,444
-(laughing)
-(audience claps)
6
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,958
-(phone ringing)
-(soft chatter)
7
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,073
(clears throat)
8
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,879
(clears throat)
9
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,717
(clears throat)
10
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,952
Colin, can I get you a lozenge
or something?
11
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,487
No, thank you.
12
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:01,095
(clears throat)
13
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,867
Colin, Laura would like a word
with you in her office.
14
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,136
Laura?
15
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,138
I think what's happened is,
16
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,406
they finally figured out that
17
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,943
I don't even know
what the hell this company does.
18
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,711
-(clears throat)
-Just watch,
19
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,447
I'm gonna be
as cool as a cucumber.
20
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,882
Hello, Laura.
21
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,718
I have been assessing
your work...
22
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,154
(speaking indistinctly)
23
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:29,423
(muffled):
No. No.
24
00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:31,259
You cannot do that.
25
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:34,895
It turned out to be
the exact opposite
26
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,130
of what I was thinking.
27
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:38,932
They actually decided
to give me a damn promotion.
28
00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,401
This is not good.
29
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,236
It's mainly about my friends,
30
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,905
uh, Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja.
31
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:48,176
I don't want to do anything that
takes away from my roomie time.
32
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,010
It's like the old adage,
you know?
33
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,612
Coworkers die.
34
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:53,447
Vampire roommates,
35
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,949
they're forever.
36
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,085
("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)
37
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,588
* Don't sing if you want
to live long *
38
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:03,090
* They have no use
for your song *
39
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,793
* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *
40
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:08,696
* You're dead
and out of this world *
41
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:13,267
* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *
42
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:16,036
* You sold out your dream
to the world *
43
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,372
* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *
44
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:21,041
* You're dead
and out of this world. *
45
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:33,221
So, we have decided
to rotate our artworks.
46
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:36,156
This was part of a bigger thing
called the Guernica.
47
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,859
I just cut off the bit
that has got me in it.
48
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:39,993
But even the ones I did like,
49
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,162
I've been looking at them
for 200 years,
50
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:43,697
so I hate them now.
51
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:46,734
Pablo Picasso.
More like Pablo Pic-asshole.
52
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,169
Ah! That's my first ship.
53
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,372
It was a piece of shit.
54
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,806
Recognize this?
55
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,141
It's my vulva.
56
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,843
-It certainly is.
-(Nadja chuckles)
57
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,911
Nandor!
Who said you could look?
58
00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:00,180
NANDOR:
Well, stop pointing it
at me, then.
59
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,483
Laszlo, remember this one?
60
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,151
It's the portrait
in which you claimed
61
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,053
to have invented
the portrait bomb.
62
00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,588
I did invent the portrait bomb.
63
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,590
Here I am,
behind the dead chap,
64
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,091
two fingers in the air,
65
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,260
doing the rabbit.
66
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,362
I had to sit there
for about seven hours.
67
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:17,164
And they still do it now.
Why? Because it's hilarious.
68
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,733
-NADJA: No, I hate it...
-My roomies.
69
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,068
LASZLO:
I like it.
70
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:22,570
NADJA:
We're not putting the goat up!
71
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:25,072
-I hate it!
-COLIN: Hey, hey. What's up?
72
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,274
-Dilly dilly.
-LASZLO: Oh.
73
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,041
Colin Robinson,
this does not concern you.
74
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,210
So please retreat
to your underground bedroom.
75
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:33,381
-Thank you.
-Oh, you guys are rearranging
the paintings, huh?
76
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:36,584
Well, I'm pretty good
with squares
77
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,886
and finding the ideal spots
on walls,
78
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,788
so if you need my help...
79
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,724
No, we don't need your help,
Colin Robinson.
80
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,726
Mm, okay.
81
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,728
Uh, speaking of news,
82
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,963
I got a big promotion today
at work.
83
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:52,933
But, uh, I'm not sure
if I'm gonna take it.
84
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:56,236
It would definitely cut
into our roomie time...
85
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,238
Colin Robinson, however you
are trying to drain us,
86
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,273
just stop it!
87
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:01,241
Yes, Colin,
please leave us to our sorting.
88
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:04,278
And you can take
your self-portrait with you.
89
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:07,781
But... it's of all of us.
90
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:11,084
I made it on the Texas
Instrument Paint Pro.
91
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:12,486
(Nandor winces)
92
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,157
COLIN:
One of the hard things
93
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:20,260
about being an energy vampire
is that,
94
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,430
even when you're being sincere
95
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:25,933
and maybe looking
for some reassurance
96
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,601
or-or support,
97
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:30,938
people think you're trying
to drain their life force.
98
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:35,443
I wish people would understand
that I don't live to drain.
99
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,378
I-I drain to live.
100
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,216
It is draining for them, though.
101
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,687
Well, I'm the boss.
102
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,856
I have an assistant.
103
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,290
Joanna.
104
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:51,692
Hello, Joanna.
105
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,093
Hi, Mr. Robinson.
106
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,328
Colin Robinson.
107
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,296
Can you make me a copy, please?
108
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:58,866
Sure. Um, of what, sir?
109
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,133
Um...
110
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:04,004
Uh, that.
111
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:06,474
I'm watching you.
112
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,477
Do more work.
113
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,311
I have to admit,
I'm quite nervous
114
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,713
about being the boss.
115
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:16,484
That said, I finally figured out
what the company does.
116
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:19,319
It's playground design
and marketing.
117
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,889
Or land mine design
and manufacturing.
118
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,057
It's... one of those.
119
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,727
I have to give
my first presentation.
120
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,696
(quietly):
Human. Human, human.
121
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:30,197
Hello!
122
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:33,166
(clears throat) Even though
there's been a slight uptick,
123
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,002
we have maintained
124
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,670
-a plat...
-(beeping)
125
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,506
Okay. Well, uh,
126
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:42,242
I guess the projector decided
to take a bit of a coffee break.
127
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:45,078
(laughter)
128
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:47,515
(chuckling)
129
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,918
Ah! Ah! We're back!
130
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,753
(all laugh)
131
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,354
I'm ready for my close-up.
132
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:56,089
(all laugh)
133
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,558
All right!
134
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,059
Did you see that?
135
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,328
They were listening to me,
because I'm the boss.
136
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,530
They had to listen.
137
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,531
This whole boss thing
138
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,399
might work out.
139
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:09,670
But the main thing
is that we all give 100%,
140
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,740
except when it comes
to donating blood.
141
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:13,907
-(all laugh)
-It's entirely possible
142
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,909
that what rappers are saying
is true.
143
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:19,112
I mean, being boss is dope.
144
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,582
So, this is
all just kind of a precursor
145
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:26,754
to the larger slideshow
that I'm about to start.
146
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,256
I feel like I have the power
of a thousand cowboys
147
00:06:29,289 --> 00:06:31,525
running through my veins
right now. (laughs)
148
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,093
(grunts, laughs)
149
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:35,596
-(door opens)
-Hey, Eric, uh...
150
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,265
(clanging)
151
00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,867
Don't sit on that.
152
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:44,071
Dominic and Dan were sitting
on it already and broke it.
153
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,105
(whoops)
154
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,979
COLIN: I was worried being
the boss would take me away
155
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:55,115
from my roomies too much, but
they treat me as an inferior.
156
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:58,452
-At work, I'm a superior.
-(phone rings)
157
00:06:58,486 --> 00:07:01,254
Hi, Dan. Turn to your left.
158
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,794
Drain on demand.
159
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:09,096
Dan, I've called you in
for an impromptu
160
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,764
-performance review.
-Wh-Why?
161
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:13,066
If you were a tree,
what type of tree would you be?
162
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,401
Uh, I don't know. A maple.
163
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,336
Okay, that's interesting.
164
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:19,740
I want you to go back
to your cubicle and type up
165
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,376
a 2,000-word essay on why
you chose to become a maple.
166
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,146
Arnie, stop talking to Joanna.
167
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,815
She's my assistant.
168
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,817
Tyler, hey.
Colin Robinson, your boss.
169
00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,685
Get in here.
170
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,691
That's right, Guillermo.
Careful with my nudie.
171
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,292
-LASZLO: Whoa!
-What are you doing
with your hand?
172
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,661
-How dare you?!
-Whoa.
173
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:44,031
Get your hand off my wife's
ample but firm backside.
174
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,432
NADJA:
Thank you, darling.
175
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,535
Right, but are you
at the office, or...?
176
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,102
(Nandor and Laszlo groan)
177
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,438
How far away
from the office are you?
178
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,873
-I know you're not
at the office.
-Hello, Colin Robinson.
179
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,142
How was your first day
being the big boss?
180
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,544
Like you give a shit.
181
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,211
(gasps)
182
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,713
How far from the office are you?
183
00:07:59,747 --> 00:08:01,348
NADJA: What is going on
with Colin Robinson?
184
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,517
He has never missed
an opportunity
185
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,152
to tell us
how boring his day was.
186
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,521
He's a wild card, that one.
187
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:08,989
What are you talking about?
He's not a wild card.
188
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,791
He's the card you get
on the top of the deck
189
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,026
that has the instructions on it,
so you throw it away.
190
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:15,896
-Uh, can you get to the office?
-Colin Robinson,
191
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,365
would you like to help pick
a painting to put up?
192
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,967
There's still a bit of space.
193
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,235
Hold. Uh, no.
194
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,971
I have calls to roll?
195
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:27,975
But I've always been partial
to this one.
196
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,543
-NADJA: What?
-LASZLO: Whoa.
197
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,813
-NANDOR: How's he doing that?
-Can you get to the office?
198
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,815
NADJA:
What a beautiful landscape.
199
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,884
Why have I never seen
this painting before?
200
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,152
Who knows? It doesn't go
with this room, anyway.
201
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:40,688
We should get rid of it.
202
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:42,556
Donate it to an orphanage
or something, Guillermo.
203
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:46,326
It looks just like the village
I grew up in, and it's on fire.
204
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,862
-It...
-Let me have a closer look.
205
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:51,164
NADJA:
I've heard of this invasion
in stories.
206
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,766
Centuries before I was born,
207
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,935
it is said that my village
208
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,837
was a very special place.
209
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,840
They say
that the water was like honey.
210
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,009
Even the urine--
it was like rose water
211
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,211
that you could drink,
and when you'd drink it,
212
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,579
it'd make you want to dance.
213
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:08,081
Very special place.
And then it was
214
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:11,118
destroyed by a terrible army.
215
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:14,622
They spared
only the softest brains
216
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,758
and the stupidest bodies in the
village, and their offspring
217
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:18,926
were all wrong.
218
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,394
We will never forget
that battle.
219
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,798
It was very windy that day,
and the leader of the army--
220
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:26,634
he was on a high cliff face,
221
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:29,536
and he went,
"You will never forget my name.
222
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,205
-It is..." (muffled speech)
-(wind whistling)
223
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,074
We didn't get the name,
224
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,743
but I know now.
225
00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:39,813
It is Nandor the Relentless,
my pig shit housemate!
226
00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:42,149
All this time,
and you never said anything.
227
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,384
Lives were ruined!
All the men in my village
228
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,820
are three-foot-two
because of the malnourishment!
229
00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:49,957
When he goes there,
he's a bloody giant! So much
230
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,159
destruction and misery at my own
vampire housemate's hands!
231
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,727
You coward!
232
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,729
We don't know that
that is your exact village.
233
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:58,932
That is my village flag on fire
in the painting!
234
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,835
Well...
235
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,671
the pillaging could've been done
by anyone.
236
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,473
We cannot go jumping to
conclusions that I am to blame.
237
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,575
He is right, my darling. We've
got no evidence that it was him.
238
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:11,745
Then what the fuck is Persian
Frank Zappa doing on a horse?!
239
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:14,181
(horse neighs)
240
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,749
Yeah, that's him.
241
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,284
There were so many villages.
242
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,486
-So many pillages. I didn't...
-(hissing)
243
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:21,488
What's that?
Guillermo, stop her!
244
00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:23,156
(indistinct shouting)
245
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,025
It begins.
246
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,660
Nandor, I will kill you!
247
00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:28,261
I will absolutely kill you!
248
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,297
I will rip out
every hair of your body!
249
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:33,500
I swear I am going
to rip that man into shreds
250
00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:34,768
and make a dress out of it.
251
00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,503
-Laszlo, let me go!
-No, my darling.
252
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:39,606
-You need to calm down.
You're feeling murderous.
-(grunts)
253
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,341
And go to his family's house
and say, "Do you like this?
254
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:43,844
This is your son,
and I'm wearing him as a dress!"
255
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,112
-Laszlo, let me go!
-Guillermo, human shield.
256
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,380
-You must calm down.
-Thought we talked about this.
257
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:49,850
You are supposed to support me
when I want to kill someone!
258
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,152
-Not in this instance,
my darling.
-Yeah, thank you.
259
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:53,553
Let go, Laszlo!
260
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,488
(moaning)
261
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,830
-Hello? Is anybody there?
-Hi, yeah. It-It's Beth.
262
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,297
-And Sarah.
-We're calling from the...
263
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,133
Colin Robinson here,
Staten Island branch.
264
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,035
-(beep)
-BETH: Hello?
-Did someone just join?
265
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,170
I-I heard a beep.
Did we all hear the beep?
266
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,205
Yeah, this is Phil and Paul
at the Hoboken branch. We're...
267
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,074
We all heard the beep on our end
if anyone's there.
268
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,575
-PHIL: Yeah, we're here, Colin.
-BETH: Yup, we're here.
269
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,544
Oh, great, you guys, you're on.
Okay.
270
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:19,146
PHIL:
Okay, let me just dive
right in. For the...
271
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,381
Staten Island branch.
Can you hear me?
272
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,150
-PHIL: We're here, Colin.
-Okay, great. Go ahead.
273
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,684
Uh, yeah, for the
274
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,353
Sigourney/Otis project,
we got...
275
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,255
How was everyone's weekends?
276
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,157
It's like the more I feed,
the more I need.
277
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:33,660
(chuckles) I've never felt
so alive in my life.
278
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,829
I'm changing.
279
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:40,000
I'm becoming something new,
something stronger.
280
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,601
I don't even need to talk
someone's ear off anymore
281
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,203
to drain them.
282
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:45,172
I can drain them
with a single phrase.
283
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:47,240
TGIF.
284
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:49,576
It's 5:00 somewhere.
285
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,879
Dan...
286
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,648
Working hard or hardly working?
287
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,920
What's up...?!
288
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:08,862
And I grow more powerful
by the second.
289
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,770
(clattering)
290
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,976
So, what I'm hearing Nandor say
is that he's sorry.
291
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,077
Right, Master?
292
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,279
Well... mm.
293
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:28,448
How can you not apologize?
294
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:31,084
The tears of my childhood
295
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:34,621
watered the garden of your own
pompous, selfish legend...
296
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,556
NANDOR:
Nadja's very angry at me
for destroying her village.
297
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,825
But it's, like,
298
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,127
calm down, Nadja.
299
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,996
We did those things
200 years before you were born.
300
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:46,233
I barely remember what
happened, it was so long ago.
301
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,568
Also, I was very drunk.
302
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,471
It was just 200 guys
having some fun.
303
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,907
Okay. You're right.
304
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:56,910
-I'm sorry for doing my job.
-NADJA: Oh, coward!
305
00:12:56,944 --> 00:13:00,447
The issue here is that I'm an
invader, and I was invading.
306
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,748
Say something to him!
307
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,417
It's-it's him.
It's Colin Robinson.
308
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,819
He's making you turn
on each other,
309
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,354
and he's feeding off of it.
310
00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,122
LASZLO:
I think Gizmo might be
onto something.
311
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:11,424
His hair's grown,
and he's draining us.
312
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:15,262
He's not only draining us.
This is a mega-drain.
313
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,763
LASZLO:
Although I still have
the best hair in the world.
314
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:17,998
NANDOR:
How can you say
you have the best hair?
315
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,432
Look at my hair.
316
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,868
I forgot something in my room.
317
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,702
LASZLO:
Your hair looks like a dog.
318
00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:25,605
-NADJA: You have no layers...
-Oh, and, yeah, I can fly now.
319
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,207
NANDOR:
I don't see any layers.
320
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,708
LASZLO:
It's all layered, you prick.
321
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,312
NANDOR:
Colin Robinson
322
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,281
has grown too powerful.
323
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,050
We no longer have enough energy
to feed.
324
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:38,451
Where's Laszlo?
325
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,353
Laszlo's behind you.
326
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:42,322
He's in death mode
so as to preserve energy.
327
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,891
GUILLERMO:
Oh.
328
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:46,960
I hate to say this,
but it's an emergency,
329
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,863
so I'm going to say it.
Let's eat Guillermo.
330
00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,564
NANDOR:
Nadja is right.
331
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,401
It's the only way. Guillermo?
332
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:57,871
Guillermo, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.
333
00:13:57,905 --> 00:14:02,042
No, you have to get up and
do it, 'cause I can't get up.
334
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,044
Nadja, this is all your fault.
335
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,979
You were the one
that invited Colin Robinson
336
00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,514
to come and live with us.
337
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,817
This is not my fault.
Laszlo invited him.
338
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,719
Not true.
He came with the house.
339
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,421
(hissing)
340
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:18,225
(overlapping chatter)
341
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:21,028
Look at us. We are pathetic.
342
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,163
Stop filming us like this!
343
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:27,901
C-Camera Two, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.
344
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,538
Colin Robinson has recently
345
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:35,108
gained a huge,
horrifying amount of power.
346
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:39,879
He just has to walk into
the house, and we have no hope.
347
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:42,282
But we have a plan:
distract Colin Robinson
348
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,717
and destroy
his office overlords
349
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:47,054
who granted him this power.
350
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,888
(whispering):
I need to get him
making some lists,
351
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,290
and then we can escape.
352
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,092
He loves lists.
353
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:54,794
Hello, Colin Robinson.
354
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,529
-Ugh.
-What do you want? I'm busy.
355
00:14:56,563 --> 00:15:00,067
Um, where have you been? We've
missed you around the house.
356
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,901
Yeah, right. Like you care.
357
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:04,938
The only people that care are my
real friends, my work friends.
358
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,873
And they listen
because they have to.
359
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,442
Well, I would love to know
about your work friends.
360
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:11,278
What are all their names?
361
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,880
Well, there's Dan
and then Arnie.
362
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,149
And then there's Jamie,
who doesn't
363
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:19,086
actually work at the office.
Come back. I'm not done.
364
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:22,622
And then we have Diabetic Dave.
365
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,791
Ellie, who I call Phoebe
because it annoys her.
366
00:15:24,824 --> 00:15:27,894
-(groaning)
-And then, of course,
you have Ben.
367
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:31,631
Another Ben,
and I call him Balsamic Ben,
368
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:34,301
because he's a fan
of Martin Balsam, the actor,
369
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:37,270
not because he likes
balsamic vinegar.
370
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:39,506
And... that bring us, then,
371
00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,908
-to HR...
-(whimpers)
372
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,343
NANDOR:
What is the plan again?
373
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,577
GUILLERMO:
Run away.
374
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,479
LASZLO:
Why don't we... walk away?
375
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:49,249
NADJA: I listened to him
for as long as I could,
376
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,917
but his power
is stronger than...
377
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:51,985
-(shrieks)
-(Nandor shudders)
378
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:53,453
-What? What is it?
-NANDOR: Ew.
379
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,355
Nothing, my sweet darling.
380
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,923
-Your faces.
-Why don't you come
381
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,791
and sit next to me,
382
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:00,994
and we can expire together.
383
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,163
Come and join me here.
That's better.
384
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,864
Fuck it.
385
00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,333
GUILLERMO:
Well, since we're about to die,
386
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,335
I guess
I should confess something.
387
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,937
-Remember when all
those vampires were being mur...
-NANDOR: Guillermo,
388
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,140
please save your confession
till once I am dead.
389
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,207
Yes, Master.
390
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,344
Hey, gang.
391
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:20,380
-(slurping)
-LASZLO: He can drink
with just his mind?
392
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,615
(grunting)
393
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,718
Colin Robinson,
why are you doing this to us?
394
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,654
We are your only friends
in the world.
395
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:30,157
Why subject us to this hell?
396
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,159
Friends?
Do friends ignore their friends
397
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,294
when their friend tells them
about a big promotion that
398
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:37,230
they got at work, which they
were considering turning down
399
00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:40,033
just so they could hang out more
with their friends?
400
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:41,968
Do friends accuse their friend
of draining them
401
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,303
when all their friend
wanted to do was hang out...
402
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:46,339
Guillermo, walk away.
Save yourself.
403
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:49,209
-Hey, hey, Guillermo.
-No.
404
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,344
-What's up, Guillermo?
-No.
405
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:52,812
(groaning)
406
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,514
-* Hello... *
-* Hello... *
407
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:55,515
* Hello... *
408
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,016
-LASZLO: What's this shit?
-NADJA: Oh, no.
409
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:58,885
They're multipl...
410
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,587
-(frustrated groan)
-COLIN: Clearly,
411
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,822
I no longer need
friends like you anymore.
412
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,391
All I need is myself.
413
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,326
I'm my own best friend now.
414
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,027
The Colinator.
415
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,329
The C-Man.
416
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,265
Have mercy on us,
Colin Robinsons.
417
00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:13,733
Mercy? That's rich.
418
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:15,535
Did you show me...
H-Hold on.
419
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,004
Actually, when you say "C-Man,"
420
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,572
it sounds kind of like "semen."
421
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,874
-It's short for Colin.
-I'll handle this.
422
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:23,276
Does it even matter?
423
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,677
I mean, it's cool.
424
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,714
-C-Man.
-Yeah, it matters, and, no,
425
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,850
-it's not cool.
-Okay, but why does it matter?
426
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,719
COLIN:
Maybe we need
427
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,021
to have a sidebar meeting?
428
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,756
I-I'll check my schedule, but...
429
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:40,059
-C-Man's schedule is wide open.
-Don't say "C-Man."
430
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,894
Uh, what would even be
on the agenda?
431
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,062
-Our names.
-But actually
432
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:45,265
I think the term
you're looking for
433
00:17:45,298 --> 00:17:48,235
-is "nicknames."
-The Colins seem to be draining
each other's energy.
434
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:51,138
-No, "moniker."
-Actually, I prefer "handle."
435
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,106
-"Sobriquet"?
-A-As in the French?
436
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:54,374
-(exhausted groaning)
-Meaning...
437
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,575
"Nicknames."
438
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,111
NADJA:
Oh, no.
439
00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,980
They bored themselves to death.
440
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:03,483
-NANDOR: Mm, how sad.
-LASZLO: So be it.
441
00:18:11,358 --> 00:18:13,160
Colin Robinson
multiplied himself by three
442
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,094
and then bored himself to death.
443
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:16,463
It's very sad.
444
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,831
We have a number of Colins
we have to bury
445
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,032
into the ground now.
446
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,670
It's okay, I've got your hand.
447
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,438
It's nice down there.
448
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,474
Very respectfully, Guillermo.
449
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,109
NADJA: We have traveled here
tonight from our house
450
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:34,481
to our garden
to lay to rest Colin Robinson,
451
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,916
Colin Robinson, and... C-Man
452
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:41,288
next to this,
his favorite bit of the fence.
453
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,489
Loved this fence.
454
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,791
We saw him here
a couple of times.
455
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,961
Colin Robinson,
when you talked to me
456
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:52,665
about 19th century
naval battles,
457
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,367
I was genuinely interested.
458
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,469
I didn't let you know that,
459
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,104
'cause then you'd have stopped.
460
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,940
Maybe I didn't want you to stop.
461
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,511
Colin Robinson died
attempting to achieve power
462
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:07,547
and total domination
of his place of work.
463
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,383
NADJA:
Thank you, Nandor,
that is beautiful.
464
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:14,821
Sometimes after me and Laszlo
would have a lovers' quarrel,
465
00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:16,789
Colin would stand hovering
at the door,
466
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,558
and I would say, "Shut up,"
467
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:23,363
and then he would actually often
be a very good mute listener.
468
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,566
We wanted to bury this
with you, Colin Robinson,
469
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:29,502
'cause you loved it
and we hated it.
470
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:30,970
Bury him with something he liked
471
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,039
and get rid
of something we don't.
472
00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:36,876
(high-pitched chanting):
* Yea, yea, yea, yea, yea... *
473
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,144
-NANDOR: Nicely done.
-Ha!
474
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,679
(gasping, shouting)
475
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,147
-(laughing)
-NANDOR: Fucking guy!
476
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,649
COLIN:
I tricked you. I'm alive.
477
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,151
I just wanted to hear my eulogy.
478
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,587
I knew you guys
actually liked me.
479
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:50,690
I admit it's a bit of a long way
to go, but it worked,
480
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,592
-so I'll take it.
-NADJA: What about...
481
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,160
the other two?
482
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,229
Come on, guys.
483
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,664
Come on.
484
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,532
Oh, I guess they're...
they're dead.
485
00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:01,934
-Very good.
-I think it's time we celebrate.
486
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,770
-Guillermo.
-These are
the enjoyable moments.
487
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,204
Get digging.
488
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:06,873
GUILLERMO:
I'm making sure they're dead.
489
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,544
Hello.
490
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,880
Hi. Colin Robinson.
491
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:14,881
New guy.
492
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,249
The last place
493
00:20:16,283 --> 00:20:18,585
I worked at is now
in financial ruin.
494
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:22,188
People were so drained
that nothing was getting done.
495
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:27,026
Which is why I'm here,
to find a new place to work.
496
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,295
New guy alert.
New guy alert.
497
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,529
(chuckles)
498
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,598
Quite the drip going on
over here.
499
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,300
The "swamp people,"
I'll call you.
500
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,367
I haven't
501
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,068
officially been hired.
502
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,970
Just trying to locate
my cubicle.
503
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,972
I can't find it anywhere.
(chuckles)
504
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:41,641
Guess we're gonna be cellmates.
505
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:44,644
Hopefully it won't be
too much like prison.
506
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:49,215
Hey, are you a fan
of conservative AM radio?
507
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,384
I'll find a cubicle that's empty
508
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,920
and imbed myself
509
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,722
for the next couple years.
510
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:59,091
Like a parasitic wasp
amongst all
511
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,160
the congenital moron
worker bees.
512
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,130
(clears throat)
513
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:07,300
(continues clearing throat)
514
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:10,437
* Over... *
515
00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:16,909
* Portugal and Spain *
516
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:21,414
* But in my heart
it's you, dear... *
517
00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,350
(gasps)
518
00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:26,919
NADJA: My husband Laszlo has
dedicated his artistic skills
519
00:21:26,953 --> 00:21:29,622
to touch up the painting
and make it in a way
520
00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,624
that will make us both happy.
521
00:21:31,658 --> 00:21:33,626
-You fixed the clock tower!
-Yes.
522
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:35,762
And there you are, my darling,
on a hay bale.
523
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:38,030
-With my boobs out.
-Mm-hmm.
524
00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:39,999
-What have you done here?
-I painted you out,
525
00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:41,300
-put me in.
-(Nadja gasps)
526
00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:43,102
And there I am,
galloping towards my wife,
527
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,871
who I will make love to.
528
00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:46,172
And where am I?
529
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:48,708
You're in there.
Bad luck, old chap.
530
00:21:48,741 --> 00:21:50,610
-Pretty rude.
-Well, it was pretty rude of you
531
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,144
to burn down
my family's village.
532
00:21:52,178 --> 00:21:53,680
* Remain *
533
00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:56,716
* My, my angel *
534
00:21:56,749 --> 00:21:59,986
* Now and every day *
535
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:01,688
* It's you alone *
536
00:22:01,721 --> 00:22:06,125
* I'll adore *
537
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,127
* Now I'm home *
538
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,297
* No more will I roam *
539
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:14,033
* Oh, yes *
540
00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:18,738
* I'm here to stay. *
541
00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:22,742
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
542
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:32,018
GUILLERMO:
The journey was perilous,
543
00:22:32,051 --> 00:22:35,722
but Nandor the Relentless
stood tall and proud.
544
00:22:35,755 --> 00:22:40,226
Thus, the noble vampire set sail
to conquer the new world
545
00:22:40,259 --> 00:22:42,562
for the greater glory
of the undead.
546
00:22:42,595 --> 00:22:45,932
-Does my hair
really look that billowy?
-(wind blows)
547
00:22:45,965 --> 00:22:47,567
Looks fantastic.
548
00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:50,036
I'd never wear anything
like that.
549
00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,573
(retching)
550
00:22:56,075 --> 00:22:58,511
(gagging, coughing)
551
00:22:58,545 --> 00:22:59,546
(squeaks)
552
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,516
MAN: I had no idea
what I would find
553
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:05,351
when I went searching
for my father.
554
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,120
They flashed the Zodiac Killer,
and my heart stopped.
555
00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:10,890
WOMAN: He believes
he is the son of the Zodiac.
556
00:23:16,829 --> 00:23:17,930
What is Devs?
557
00:23:18,965 --> 00:23:20,266
What is Devs?
558
00:23:20,299 --> 00:23:21,634
What is Devs?
559
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,136
(screams)
560
00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:35,414
I was pregnant,
and I was scared.
561
00:23:37,016 --> 00:23:39,452
(coughs, inhales)
562
00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:43,189
This is
my deathbed confession.
41208
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