All language subtitles for The King of Queens - 03x21 - Departure Time.DVDRip-MEDiEVAL.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

Today really? Th-that's great.

3:00? That's right, you know what,
no problem. Wide open today.

No, we're not.

You know what, don't worry
about it, it's no problem.

Doug, who're you talking to?

Look--look we wanna see you,
we're coming.

Doug, hello.

It's fine, yup, ok.

Pay attention to me.

Got it, ok, bye mom.

Oh.

Nice job, now I'm gonna hear her
voice every time I see those.

So am I hearing your parents
are coming down here today?

Yeah, yeah, they are, uh, flying
to Montreal for a wedding.

It turns out they got
a 45-minute layover at j.F.K.

So we're gonna drive out
and see them.

Doug, even if I wasn't
really busy today,

that sounds like
a big pain in the ass.

Hey, come on, it's my parents.

I know and I love them,
believe me.

It's just the drive there,
find parking...

A 45-minute visit
is gonna take 4 hours.

A 4-hour inconvenience with
my parents

as opposed to
in my house always.

Doug, you may have never made
a better point.

Hmm.
Yeah.

Dad, we're gonna have to move
your haircut appointment today.

I'm sorry.
What? Why?

Doug's parents
are coming into town.

Well, well, well,
stop the world.

The heffernans have deigned to
grace us with their presence.

Would you stop.
They are very nice people.

Yeah, well I'm down here
in the trenches,

doing the heavy lifting
of parenting,

then they waltz into town
and get all the glory.

Yes, you're an unsung hero.

Come on, I wanna meet them
when they get off.

I can't believe you made me
change my haircut appointment.

Dad we're taking you there
right after this.

And listen, you're not the only
one who had to move stuff, ok?

I had to change
my manicure to 6:00.

And I had to cancel
the toes, all right?

So suck it up, we're doing
this for Doug's parents.

Yeah, well while we're at it, why
don't we tweak the earth's axis

to make the weather
more pleasant for them.

(Doug) Do you think my mom'll
bring her lemon squares?

Has she ever not?

No.

No, she always does.

Just gonna get
a drink of water.

Come on, Arthur,
can't you grab it later?

(Arthur) Hold your
horses, I'm thirsty.

What the hell just happened?

Oh, that was good water.

Check it, make him check it.

Ok, you know what,
it's not working, guy.

You got to-- it's too big.
You got to check the bag.

No, you got to check it,
you got to check it.

All right here you go.

Sorry.

Oh, good, the doors aren't
even open yet.

See we didn't miss bupkiss.

The further you go,
the behinder he gets.

[Sighing]

Can I borrow the pen?

What're you doing?

Just shut-y and watch-y.

Thanks.

[Exclaiming]

Ok, I'm not gonna lie to you Doug,
it's border line embarrassing

you're kidding me,
this is gonna go over huge.

Is that them?

(Carrie) No.

My arm hurts.

You know, it's ok
to let this thing go.

It's gonna be hilarious.

Carrie, Doug, Arthur.

Hi.

Excuse me are you, uh,
"mom and dad."

What's this for?

It's like when you get a limo.

You got a limo? Oh, Doug, I
hope you didn't get a limo.

We got a connecting flight, you
told him it was just a layover.

Well, of course, I did.

(Joe) Why do you waste
a $100 on a limo?

I didn't get one. We just
don't have the time.

Ok, here's what's
going on here.

Doug thought it would be cute to
pretend he was a limo driver.

There's no car. Everything's
fine, the joke didn't land.

So lets all hug
and say hi now.

[All chattering]

(Janet) My baby.

(Joe) The same Dougie boy, eh?

Hello, Arthur.

[Exclaiming]

I brought a couple of goodies
from the sunshine state.

There's a little something for everyone.
Ah, that's so nice.

For Carrie, from my favorite
store at the bulk & more.

Oh, this is great.

Ok, I'll just wear both.
Here you go.

Thank you.

So, uh, why aren't I eating
a lemon square?

Oh, my god,
I'm so sorry, I forgot.

Just kidding.

[All laughing]

Don't do that, ok?

Give me that.
After lunch.

Give me 'em.

Hey, hey,
good to see you, spooner.

Heffernan. Got a little something
for you, too. Real deal.

Cubano.

Enjoy it, on me.

[Announcer chattering
on p.A. System]

And so it begins.

Your sister's gonna make it?

She said she'll try, she's
reffing a girl's soccer game.

Oh, that's a good way
to meet a man.

Well, since we don't
have much time...

Yes, the dreaded
to-do file.

Just a couple of things.

We're not gonna see you on your
birthday, so we goy you an early card.

Happy 30 bump bumps.

Hey, a $100 bill.

Hey much nicer than the
$50 you gave me last year

I told you, you only
gave him $50.

Too late,
this is now the minimum.

So, come on, how about giving
me a lemon square, huh?

Well, just one. I don't
wanna spoil your appetite.

Yet to happen.

Something's--something's
different.

Oh.

Since we're now in Florida,
I'm using real lemons

instead of that
fake bottle stuff.

Hmm.

What's the matter with you?

I wasn't told there'll be
gift giving.

Dad, it was just
a nice gesture.

Yeah, well, I'm familiar
with that gesture.

It means I'm nothing
and they're aristocrats.

Joe owned a hardware store.

Did you see how he shoved
the cigar down my pocket?

Like he was tipping a bellhop.

I can't even stand
looking at it.

All right, well, great,
now you don't have to.

What else here?

Oh.

This cartoon reminded me
of you, sweety.

Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

You see, the dog is driving
a truck just like you do

oh, yeah, I'll put it
with the others.

Well, what's, uh, what's this?

Oh, just some papers
we ned you to sign.

A living will?

It just says if ever
there's a problem,

that you shouldn't use
any artificial means

to keep your dad and me alive.

Is there a reason the cartoon
is attached to it, or...

No, I was just
saving a staple.

You sign right here
beside the sticker.

And then your
initial right there

next to the section
about comas.

Uh-huh.

Oh, we'd better go to the
bathroom before the food comes.

How do you know I have to go?

I'm sure you have to go.

She's right.

Those heffernans always
trying to show me up.

You know when it started,
don't you?

The day I let them
pay for your wedding.

Dad, don't start with that
now, please.

You were out of a job,
they did a very nice thing.

Yes, but did it have to be
so lavish?

Oh, sure, everybody's got to
have a glass of champagne.

You already made your feelings
very clear on our wedding video.

Well, they're not the only ones
who can give flashy gifts.

Dad, you don't have to
buy them anything.

Yes I do.
Today I even the score.

Although I am a bit
short on cash.

Darling, uh, would you mind
floating me over a few balloons?

No.

Come on.
No.

Dad, I-I'm paying
for the food

and the rest I'm saving
for something not insane.

Fine. I gave you life.
Whatever.

Douglas, quick. I need
to borrow some cash.

I only got like $10 on me.

Well, what have we here,
a c-note?

Oh, yeah.
I forgot about that.

But you know I'm good for it.

Hey, there goes
a crap load of burgers.

Hey, where is everyone?

Look at this thing.

Look at what my parents gave me to sign.
Look at that.

A living will?

Yeah, look at this.

I get to be the conservator
of their person.

Which basically means if they stub
their toe, I fly in and waste them.

All right, calm down. We do these
at the law firm all the time

it's actually a good idea.

It's a terrible idea.

Look at this.

Look they checked "do not
resuscitate" on every thing.

It's like they can't die
fast enough.

Doug, it's not that
they wanna die.

It's just that they're trying
to plan for the future.

You know, in the off chance
if they're ever in a...

Vegetative state.

Vegetative state! They were just
supposed to bring me lemon squares.

Ok. I know
this is stressful,

but it's what they want.

Did you, uh, sign
one of these for your dad?

Actually he checked "yes" to anything
they could do to keep him alive.

I think he even wrote in something
about freezing his head.

Hello, my good man, I'm in the
market for some high-end gifts.

Give me your most expensive
whisky and your finest perfume.

All righty, coming up.

"International duty
free shop."

So tell me are we currently
standing on American soil

or are we in some sort
of a borderless limbo?

Uh, it's America.

That'll be $423.

Uh-huh, ok, plan b.

Lets go down to your
4th best in both categories.

Sure.

And what flight are you on?

That's none of your affair.

You can't buy duty free unless
you're on an international flight.

I see, well, in that case,

I'm on b.O.A.C. Flight 1 en
route to constantinople.

I'll need to see a ticket.

I must have left it
in my attache case.

I'm sorry, I can't sell this
to you without a ticket.

Let me ask you this.

Were I traveling abroad, what
would my total have been?

$97.50.

I have in my hand
a crisp $100 bill.

What if I left the change on the
counter and just walked away?

Come on, it's a $300
travel voucher.

And we'll still get there.

I don't want to do it.

What's going on?

Oh, they overbooked
a flight to Montreal.

Now they're offering to bump
people on to the next flight.

And they hand us free money.

It's ridiculous!
We're flying to a wedding.

We're not gonna miss
the rehearsal dinner.

I don't give a crap about
this girl's rehearsal dinner.

I'd much rather spend the next 4
hours right here with you kids.

Cool.

Oh, I don't know.
What do you two think?

Um, actually, you know what?

Rehearsal dinners
are very important.

A friend missed ours,
and I, I really hate her now.

Thank you.
Fine.

You signed those
papers yet, honey?

Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna hold on to these

and have my guy
take a look at 'em.

You have a guy now?

Yeah, I have a guy.
He looks over things.

What is he, a lawyer?
Kinda.

You always used our guy!
When did you get a guy?

Actually, I've had one
for a while now.

What's the matter with Dan?

I've know Dan for 27 years. What
am I gonna tell Dan when he asks?

I don't care what
you tell Dan, ok?

You know, you fly in here
on a 45-minute layover,

and you spring your
death warrants on me,

stapled to a
wizard of ID cartoon!

[Sputters]

You know, this is crazy!
I'm not signing.

Enjoy your comas.

You're gonna be in them
for quite some time.

[Crowd cheering on t.V.]

[Whistle blowing]

Ha! Why couldn't
the Knicks get Shaq?

Well, if they let me run
that team for one year--

dad, if you ran the team,

there'd be 87 players
on a billion-dollar payroll.

And a championship, son.

Right.

Look, we don't get
to see you that much.

Um, sorry this turned
into a whole thing.

Yeah, not our--
not our best visit.

Well, we should have known
you might feel that way.

I remember how upset you were

when you had to take your
pet Guinea pig to the vet,

to put him to sleep.

Hey, mork still had
some good years left!

He was blind, and his
kidneys were shot.

He had more time.

Look, we got to start
boarding in like 20 minutes.

I don't want to leave
without getting this settled.

All right.

I'm gonna work with you here.

What are you most
uncomfortable with?

We're not married
to all of these.

I don't know, how about
like--like this one here?

"If I have no reasonable hope
for normal functioning,

"withhold life-sustaining
treatment, including nutrition

and anyhydration."

"X" that one out.

We can't lose that.

We might as well
drop the whole thing!

What else?

All right, then, fine.
How about this one?

"Turning off the respirator."

Nah, your mother's got
her heart set on that one.

Well, you're not working
with me here!

Don't yell at me, Dougie.

This wasn't my idea
in the first place.

What are you--
what are you saying?

I'm saying this is really
your mother's baby.

Do you even want to do this?

I guess I could either way.

But it'd be a whole big thing
with your mother.

So you'd rather die
instead of having

an awkward conversation
with mom?

I just don't want any trouble.

I'm sorry we dragged you out
to hear a Heffernan fight.

I'm sure you had much better
things to do with your day.

Oh, no! It's--it's--
it's--it's--it's, uh...

It's...

No! No, no, no.

Mom, dad has something
to say to you.

I do not.

Tell her what you said
back there!

I tell him you grow more beautiful
with each passing year.

No, no! He said he doesn't
want a living will.

He doesn't want to do this.

You said that?

I said nothing of the kind.

I very much want to die.

Look, now he can't say it!

Look, you-- I'm not signing
it and you can't make me.

Ok, guys, I made it.

Hey, kiddo!

[Kissing]

What's going on?

Mom and dad
want me to kill 'em.

What?

We said we want your brother to
sign a little piece of paper

in case we ever get very sick.

Hello.

Am I supposed to sign it too?

Actually, no, honey.
Just Doug.

W-why just Doug?

We only needed
one of you to sign it.

Then why don't I just sign it?

Well, because we just
wanted Doug to sign it.

Honey, you know, he's married.

He's settled.
We know where he is.

And you don't know where I am?

It's just that first
you were in buffalo,

and--and--and then you're
back here in queens, and...

It's called moving!
I did it once.

Honey, it's just--
if you were married

and settled down,
or even had a boyfriend,

or a partner of some sort.

What is that supposed to mean?

Darling, you're a single girl
wearing a referee's costume.

What are we supposed to think?

Look, it's her life.
Let her do what she wants.

Please, let me sign this.

You're not signing it.

This is so typical.

Doug got the bedroom
in the attic.

Doug got the car.

Doug gets to pull the plug.
He gets to do everything!

Joe, it's obvious
we're not gonna settle this

in the next 10 minutes.

Let's take that later flight.

Doug, I have a 6:00 manicure
with Denise.

She's very hard to get.

Let Steph sign it.

No.

Come on, Doug.
This could be good for her.

Throw her a bone.

No!

Joe, see if you can change
our flight, would you?

You know what, you know, let
me--let me, yeah, let me do this.

You guys, you keep talking.
You're making progress here.

Oh, ok!
Thank you, honey.

No problem.
Later flight, coming up.

[Woman chattering
on p.A. System]

You're going.
Oh, you're going now.

How about this?

How about we put these papers
away for 10, 15 years?

And then I'll be happy
to sign them.

I'm ready to sign
them anytime.

Just back off, Steph.

Well, we're not going anywhere
until this is settled.

I hope Carrie's
getting somewhere

with the other flight.

Come on, Doug. We love you.
We ask so little of you.

It's just a piece of paper.
Do us a favor.

No, I'm not signing it.

Just sign it!
Uh-uh.

Why are you making this
such a big giant thing?

Becau-- because you...

[Exhales]

I don't know, I mean...

All of a sudden
everything's different.

What do you mean?

I mean, dad,
l-look at you, dad.

I mean, your hair
is totally gray.

You're not even using
just for men anymore.

It's like you don't care.

And mom?

Real lemons
in the lemon squares?

Why would you ever
mess with that?

Look, Doug, things can't
stay the same forever.

[Sighs]

I--I know. I...

[Scoffs]

Look at that.

Just a second ago,
that was me.

Huh? Remember that?

This guy right here was me.

Remember my face?

My pudgy little pie-stained-
from-McDonald's face.

Remember the chunkiness?

Where did it go?

Look, we're just trying
to go to Disney world.

Oh, that is so great!
See?

Get him a hat.

[Sighs]

[Exhales]

You really...

You really want me to sign it?

Yes, we do.

All right, give me
the papers. I'll sign it.

Thank you, dear.

Yeah, but you gotta go
back to using fake juice

in the lemon squares, right?

You got it.

Yeah, 'cause that's
a deal-breaker.

I come bearing gifts.

What?

As patriarch of
the spooner-Heffernan clan,

I thought I'd commemorate
the time we spent together.

No strings attached.

Arthur, you didn't have to.
It was totally unnecessary.

For Janet, the largest

big apple snow-globe
on the market.

Fine,

thank you.

And for Joe,

lady Liberty in 2 sizes,
whatever works for your decor.

And you can Duke it out

over an assortment of
refreshing velamints,

a sparkle pen,
and the latest page-Turner

from Mr. Ken follet.

Well, thank you, Arthur.

That's what you spent
the $100 on?

That was my birthday gift.

Wait, you bought all these

with the money
we gave to Doug?

So it's like we
bought our own gifts?

Oh, that's funny!

[Both laughing]

Thank you, Joe.

Thank you, Janet.

Son of a bitch!

Bad news. I cannot get
you guys on a later flight.

And I--I fought with the man.
He was very rude.

Everything is fine.

Doug signed the papers.
We're good to go.

Oh! Then it all worked out.

Ok, we should board.

If we want an overhead bin,
we're already on the bubble.

Sorry about all this, kitten.

Oh! Bye, dad.
Mmm, it's great to see you.

Well.

Yup.

Oh, I love you, baby.

Sorry I got upset. I just
love you both so much.

Ok. People. Let's put wings
on this credit crap.

Bye-bye, darling.
Bye-bye baby.

Flight 714 has been delayed
due to congestion in Montreal.

We'll keep you updated
as we get more information.

Thank you.

Ha!

[Grunts]

[Sighing]

Hey.

So, what else?

(Joe) Hold the Guinea
pig higher, Doug.

Ok.

It's October 3, 1978,

and we're presenting Doug
and his sidekick, mork.

I love you, mork, I love you.

♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet,
eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪

♪ Eat a pellet, make a pellet
eat a pellet, make a pellet ♪

(Joe) Doug, ok, Dougie.

♪ Eat a pellet,
make a pellet ♪

(Joe) Calm down, Dougie!

♪ Eat a pellet,
make a pellet ♪

(Joe) Dougie!

♪ Eat a pellet, make--