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1
00:00:34,087 --> 00:00:35,679
Sorry, Mum?
2
00:00:35,847 --> 00:00:37,599
Oh. Right.
3
00:00:37,767 --> 00:00:42,158
She wants to attack all your men in Japan
with two dice from Mongolia.
4
00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:46,964
- Where's the Sooty egg cup?
- Oh, sorry.
5
00:00:52,607 --> 00:00:56,839
- Double four.
- Double four to beat this time, Mum.
6
00:00:57,007 --> 00:01:01,205
Oh, hang on a minute.
She's dropped her dice in the Germolene.
7
00:01:04,287 --> 00:01:06,482
Have you got it now? Right.
8
00:01:07,087 --> 00:01:09,396
No, he got a double four.
9
00:01:09,567 --> 00:01:12,240
Yes. Double five.
10
00:01:12,407 --> 00:01:18,437
- What a surprise How very convenient.
- What's that supposed to mean?
11
00:01:18,607 --> 00:01:22,919
How do we know what she's doing,
sitting with her own board and counters?
12
00:01:23,087 --> 00:01:25,920
This is the way the Third Reich started.
13
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,281
With a Sooty egg cup?
14
00:01:30,087 --> 00:01:35,286
She's conquered more countries since ''The
Archers'' finished than Hitler did in a lifetime.
15
00:01:35,447 --> 00:01:37,438
No, it's nothing, Mum.
16
00:01:37,607 --> 00:01:39,723
Just Victor coughing up an Opal Fruit.
17
00:01:41,607 --> 00:01:45,441
- You'd better go in for the kill.
- Don't encourage her.
18
00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:49,638
- Awful when someone's a bad loser.
- I know.
19
00:01:50,487 --> 00:01:54,082
Who's a bad loser?
You wrap up and get on with your knitting.
20
00:01:55,167 --> 00:01:57,158
Right. One army left.
21
00:02:00,847 --> 00:02:02,644
- Five.
- Five.
22
00:02:04,287 --> 00:02:05,606
Six.
23
00:02:07,087 --> 00:02:11,478
That's that, then. That's me blasted
off the board for the third game running
24
00:02:11,647 --> 00:02:13,797
by the Allied Forces of Minnie Crun.
25
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,559
I don't know why I bother.
26
00:02:15,727 --> 00:02:18,195
It's my turn, Mum. Hang on while I get the...
27
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:22,165
Oh, right. She's just going to the loo now.
28
00:02:24,047 --> 00:02:27,642
- So when's he due to have his leg off?
- Friday morning.
29
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:32,038
All being well. I'll be glad to see the back of it.
30
00:02:32,207 --> 00:02:37,076
- Seven weeks with that monstrosity.
- Oh, someone's written something on it.
31
00:02:37,247 --> 00:02:39,556
I can't quite read it.
32
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,922
Nothing of any importance.
33
00:02:42,087 --> 00:02:44,078
''West Ham Wonkers''?
34
00:02:46,287 --> 00:02:49,279
- What's that in aid of?
- I'll just go and get some ice.
35
00:02:49,447 --> 00:02:53,440
That was when he fell asleep in the park
last Saturday afternoon.
36
00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:57,395
There was an obscene drawing
of Salman Rushdie on his shin,
37
00:02:57,567 --> 00:02:59,956
but it came off with some lemon Pledge.
38
00:03:00,967 --> 00:03:03,845
It's been a real episode, hasn't it?
39
00:03:04,007 --> 00:03:07,522
Ohh. What with one thing and another.
40
00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:13,681
How anyone can break their leg buying a shirt
in Millets is beyond me in the first place.
41
00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:21,243
But after about the first three weeks,
he did just about manage to get used to it.
42
00:03:21,407 --> 00:03:23,967
You know, until the itching started.
43
00:03:25,487 --> 00:03:28,081
Drove him totally mad
44
00:03:28,247 --> 00:03:30,442
for four or five days.
45
00:03:30,607 --> 00:03:34,600
He had fuse wire down it, God knows what.
46
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:40,285
In the end, it got so bad we had to go
back up the hospital to get some expert advice.
47
00:03:40,447 --> 00:03:45,157
- And that's when they found it.
- Doctor said it was the rarest thing he'd known,
48
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:49,557
for someone to have an ants' nest
down their plaster cast.
49
00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:55,316
There was no question about it.
50
00:03:55,487 --> 00:03:59,685
You could see them all scuttling
in and out of the flies on his underpants.
51
00:04:01,687 --> 00:04:04,281
I just put it down to the hot weather, you know.
52
00:04:05,087 --> 00:04:09,956
Anyway, we put a blob of lotion on the
fleshy part of each thigh and that did the trick.
53
00:04:10,967 --> 00:04:13,686
But I tell you, Jean, never again.
54
00:04:13,847 --> 00:04:15,166
Mm.
55
00:04:15,327 --> 00:04:18,717
So, um, you think it's a good moment yet?
56
00:04:18,887 --> 00:04:21,276
Sorry? Oh, yes.
57
00:04:21,447 --> 00:04:25,440
- When he comes in again... Ask him now.
- Right.
58
00:04:26,287 --> 00:04:29,120
Sounds as if she's fallen asleep in there again.
59
00:04:29,287 --> 00:04:31,721
Think I'll ring back later.
60
00:04:33,087 --> 00:04:35,078
So, anyhow, Jean,
61
00:04:35,247 --> 00:04:37,238
how's it all shaping up?
62
00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:41,798
Have you found anyone yet to play
that other part in your Nativity production?
63
00:04:41,967 --> 00:04:43,878
Not yet, no.
64
00:04:44,047 --> 00:04:47,835
Look at this.
Half a bloody rainforest in here.
65
00:04:49,487 --> 00:04:51,682
''The ideal Christmas gift.
66
00:04:51,847 --> 00:04:56,523
''This superb reproduction,
200-years-old antique commode.''
67
00:04:58,087 --> 00:05:01,124
What do they use for toilet paper?
The Dead Sea scrolls?
68
00:05:02,287 --> 00:05:07,520
As a matter of fact, we were wondering
if you'd be interested, Mr Meldrew.
69
00:05:07,687 --> 00:05:11,885
- Interested in what?
- In playing one of the parts for us.
70
00:05:12,047 --> 00:05:16,996
- In this year's Nativity.
- Well, it depends what the part is.
71
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:20,125
It's the back half of a cow.
72
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:26,076
Oh, so it's not just any old part
73
00:05:26,247 --> 00:05:28,636
Oh, no, no, not at all.
74
00:05:28,807 --> 00:05:32,800
As I say, Mr Gosling from the chip shop
was originally down for it.
75
00:05:32,967 --> 00:05:36,755
Then he backed out
because he was afraid of looking stupid.
76
00:05:36,927 --> 00:05:39,725
And that's when we thought of you.
77
00:05:39,887 --> 00:05:45,200
Especially after last year, when you were
so good as the King of the Toadstools.
78
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,835
I reckon you'd be a natural.
79
00:05:48,007 --> 00:05:52,000
Well, I'm sorry,
I'm not spending two hours bending over
80
00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:54,556
with my head stuck up someone else's...
81
00:05:57,847 --> 00:05:59,724
King of the Toadstools?.
82
00:05:59,887 --> 00:06:03,482
You played that giant toadstool
in ''Babes In The Wood''.
83
00:06:03,647 --> 00:06:08,163
Giant toadstool?
I never played a giant toadstool.
84
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:12,320
- What was it, then? A giant mushroom?
- It wasn't a giant mushroom.
85
00:06:12,487 --> 00:06:17,686
It wasn't any form of champion fungus
of any kind. I wasn't in ''Babes In The Wood''.
86
00:06:17,847 --> 00:06:20,645
I didn't even see the bloody thing.
87
00:06:21,887 --> 00:06:24,082
Well, it had your walk.
88
00:06:24,247 --> 00:06:27,637
It's not often you see a toadstool
that round-shouldered.
89
00:06:29,287 --> 00:06:31,676
- Are you sure it wasn't you?
- Oh.
90
00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:34,441
You might as well save your breath, Jean.
91
00:06:34,607 --> 00:06:39,601
You'll get nothing out of him till
after Christmas. It's a waste of time trying.
92
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:44,045
He won't even have a tree in the house
this year. Refuses point blank.
93
00:06:44,207 --> 00:06:47,995
Oh, you've got to have a tree
in the house, Mr Meldrew.
94
00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:49,964
For Christmas.
95
00:06:50,127 --> 00:06:55,406
What for? So you can tie chocolate rabbits to it
and watch them melt under the lights?
96
00:06:56,887 --> 00:07:01,244
So they can drip all over the carpets
and dry up like miniature cowpats?
97
00:07:03,687 --> 00:07:07,566
It's not even Christmas any more,
it's a four-month trade fair
98
00:07:08,287 --> 00:07:11,723
organised by retailers and advertising agencies.
99
00:07:11,887 --> 00:07:15,482
Yes, what better way
to celebrate the birth of Christ
100
00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:19,435
than by filling your intestines up
with New Berry Fruits
101
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:24,886
Mm, I rather fancy having every bone
in my body crushed to a pulp today.
102
00:07:25,047 --> 00:07:29,359
Perhaps I'll go down WH Smith's
and spend five minutes in the book department.
103
00:07:30,287 --> 00:07:33,324
So you...you don't want to, then?
104
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,479
- What?
- Play the back half of a cow.
105
00:07:36,647 --> 00:07:41,721
It's only for one night. And you could
swish your tail about with a concealed wire.
106
00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:52,046
No.
107
00:07:57,767 --> 00:08:01,442
No. I haven't a clue.
I did think he could do with a new watch.
108
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:05,282
The one he's got is always slow,
but he seems to like it that way.
109
00:08:05,447 --> 00:08:07,722
He says time goes too quickly as it is.
110
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:10,196
Well, what did you get him last year?
111
00:08:11,207 --> 00:08:15,837
Oh. Well, no, I wouldn't get him that again.
The condition's nearly healed up now.
112
00:08:17,727 --> 00:08:24,075
Well, I don't know. I have been racking
my brains for a month and I can't think...
113
00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:26,886
We've ordered a capon this year.
114
00:08:27,047 --> 00:08:29,436
We thought it might not be quite so dry.
115
00:08:30,487 --> 00:08:35,436
If that's Great-Aunt Joyce, tell her on no
account do I want three jars of petroleum jelly
116
00:08:35,607 --> 00:08:38,201
wrapped up in the form of a Christmas cracker.
117
00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:42,997
Yes, dear, and he sends his love. OK.
118
00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:45,806
I'll speak to you soon. Bye.
119
00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:49,960
Who can that be? The postman's been.
You'll have to make a fresh pot.
120
00:08:50,127 --> 00:08:54,723
Haven't they done anything about this pressure
yet? Better cancel the plumber.
121
00:08:54,887 --> 00:08:57,765
Get a specialist in geriatric bladder disorders.
122
00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:01,122
Oh. God Almighty.
123
00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:06,682
That wind's getting up again.
124
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:11,398
They said on the radio we might be
in for another hurricane. Who was that?
125
00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:16,277
- Too much to expect the plumber, I suppose.
- No...it wasn't a plumber.
126
00:09:16,447 --> 00:09:19,041
I think it was some sort of delivery driver.
127
00:09:19,207 --> 00:09:22,563
I think he must just have
rung the bell and then left.
128
00:09:22,727 --> 00:09:25,719
Delivery driver? Delivering what?
129
00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:30,243
Margaret? Delivering what?
130
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:37,722
Look...I don't want a debate about it.
I know what I ordered.
131
00:09:37,887 --> 00:09:40,082
I've got the docket in front of me now.
132
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:46,436
I quite specifically ordered one Excelsior
Garden Gnome, catalogue number 263.
133
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:53,407
Never mind ''must have put it in the wrong
column''. Use a bit of common sense.
134
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:58,766
What could I possibly want with 263
bloody garden gnomes in the first place?
135
00:10:00,087 --> 00:10:02,885
It's like rush hour in Munchkinland out here.
136
00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:05,757
Three months I've waited for this order.
137
00:10:05,927 --> 00:10:11,047
I wanted one gnome at the front door
and now I've got a bloody population explosion.
138
00:10:12,207 --> 00:10:13,925
Oh.
139
00:10:14,087 --> 00:10:17,238
What?. I don't be...
140
00:10:17,407 --> 00:10:21,002
She says we've got to fill in
one of the return order chitties
141
00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:23,761
and send them back as unsatisfactory goods.
142
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:28,125
Any of the items that are even
slightly damaged, we'll be charged for.
143
00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:33,881
Victor. That's two blown over already.
144
00:10:34,047 --> 00:10:38,598
If we leave them out here,
the whole lot will go for a burton.
145
00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:19,924
Seems to have died down a bit out there now.
146
00:11:20,087 --> 00:11:23,124
Are the telephone lines still out of action?
147
00:11:23,287 --> 00:11:24,606
Yes.
148
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:29,158
It said on the local news a lot of people
have had their electricity cut off.
149
00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:34,765
Might have to do without all over Christmas.
150
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:37,521
At least they won't have to watch television.
151
00:11:37,687 --> 00:11:40,281
Sit through all that festive tripe.
152
00:11:41,287 --> 00:11:45,963
Oh. Cilla Black
Can you imagine? A fate worse than death.
153
00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:49,520
She's got a very infectious laugh.
154
00:11:49,687 --> 00:11:52,076
So has a hyena with anthrax.
155
00:11:55,687 --> 00:12:00,681
I might try that new video place tomorrow
on my way back from the hospital,
156
00:12:00,847 --> 00:12:03,236
see if they've got anything worth...
157
00:12:04,887 --> 00:12:07,276
What the hell are you grinning at?
158
00:12:07,447 --> 00:12:09,881
Will you get away from me?
159
00:12:10,047 --> 00:12:13,642
It's like sleeping
in bloody Snow White's cottage.
160
00:12:15,727 --> 00:12:18,321
I had a word with Eileen's husband.
161
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:23,038
For 20 quid he could run them back
to the warehouse on his truck on Wednesday.
162
00:12:23,207 --> 00:12:27,200
Oh.... I'll be glad when it's over,
I will straight.
163
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:33,760
All the miseries in the world
seem a hundred times worse at Christmas.
164
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,122
I suppose it was always the same.
165
00:12:36,287 --> 00:12:38,847
I don't suppose there was ever any magic in it.
166
00:12:39,007 --> 00:12:44,001
Only in old films with Jimmy Stewart.
Never in real life.
167
00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:48,957
- What do you want for Christmas?
- A set of razor blades to slash my wrists with.
168
00:12:49,967 --> 00:12:53,960
God Almighty,
you're in a bright mood all of a sudden
169
00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:58,118
If it's that much of an ordeal,
you needn't bother.
170
00:12:58,287 --> 00:13:02,678
I told you, don't splash out for me.
It won't worry me if I don't get anything.
171
00:13:02,847 --> 00:13:05,236
All right, then. I won't.
172
00:13:06,247 --> 00:13:10,240
You know what we said last year.
It's only a ritual.
173
00:13:10,407 --> 00:13:15,435
If we both agree not to buy anything, it'll
avoid worries and there's no disappointments.
174
00:13:15,607 --> 00:13:17,598
Fine by me.
175
00:13:21,127 --> 00:13:23,118
Fine, then.
176
00:13:29,487 --> 00:13:32,877
Right. We'll require
three pieces of identification,
177
00:13:33,047 --> 00:13:37,643
plus an official document such as
a driver's licence with your normal signature.
178
00:13:37,807 --> 00:13:42,085
There's a L60 deposit
and the rental charges are from L1 to L2.50 daily.
179
00:13:42,247 --> 00:13:46,638
All tapes are to be returned by 7.30 prompt,
after which a further L2 is payable,
180
00:13:46,807 --> 00:13:50,595
plus a 50p surcharge
should you forget to rewind the tape.
181
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:53,156
Right. Here's my birth certificate,
182
00:13:53,327 --> 00:13:56,524
here's a document
containing my normal signature,
183
00:13:56,687 --> 00:14:01,283
here's a document containing an abnormal
signature, written with a boxing glove,
184
00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:05,440
here's a cheque for the required amount.
And here's a pound of my flesh,
185
00:14:05,607 --> 00:14:11,284
which I realise I must forfeit at any time
should I happen to talk during the film.
186
00:14:13,047 --> 00:14:16,039
I'll go and put this onto hard disk.
187
00:14:44,087 --> 00:14:47,875
- Your card, then, Mr Meldrew.
- Thank you. Can I ask...
188
00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:52,040
do these film categories you have here
mean anything at all?
189
00:14:52,207 --> 00:14:56,200
Look at this under Family.
''The Cook, The Thief, His Wife And Her Lover''
190
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:59,245
and ''Confessions Of A Werewolf Prostitute''.
191
00:14:59,407 --> 00:15:02,205
I don't know what sort of family you belong to.
192
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,643
I mean, you've got
''Santa Claus - The Movie'' under Horror.
193
00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:08,401
Fair enough. But under Children's
194
00:15:08,567 --> 00:15:12,355
you've got ''Nightmare On Elm Street III''
and ''The Blob''.
195
00:15:12,527 --> 00:15:15,837
It's how people put them back on the shelves.
196
00:15:16,007 --> 00:15:19,522
I suppose your little kiddies think
this is jolly good fun,
197
00:15:19,687 --> 00:15:24,397
watching some decomposing corpse sucking
people's blood like a carton of Ribena?
198
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:28,162
I suppose this is an ideal bedtime story
in your house, is it?
199
00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:32,036
Two hours of some bloke with a roasted face
going loopy with a chainsaw.
200
00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:36,359
What sort of film exactly were you after?
201
00:15:38,287 --> 00:15:41,199
I don't suppose you've got
''Angels With Dirty Faces''?
202
00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:43,961
Who's in it?
203
00:15:45,287 --> 00:15:48,085
A little-known actor called James Cagney.
204
00:15:48,247 --> 00:15:50,715
He was very big as the back half of a cow.
205
00:15:50,887 --> 00:15:56,519
No? Never mind. Perhaps I'll have Arnold
Schwarzenegger in ''Rag, Tag And Blob II''
206
00:15:56,687 --> 00:16:00,680
Perhaps you can drop me a card
when it comes in. Thank you for your help.
207
00:16:00,847 --> 00:16:03,281
Good morning.
208
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:12,555
- How did it go? All right?
- Yes, fine.
209
00:16:12,727 --> 00:16:15,719
This machine goes right down the plaster...
210
00:16:15,887 --> 00:16:20,597
There's still a load of leaves and stuff
out the front if you're looking for a job.
211
00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:24,840
Yes, all right.
212
00:16:36,687 --> 00:16:38,006
Oh.
213
00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:40,965
Thank you very much, Great-Aunt Joyce
214
00:16:41,967 --> 00:16:44,356
I wonder what it is.
215
00:16:46,087 --> 00:16:48,476
A bottle of something nice
216
00:16:48,647 --> 00:16:51,605
or five more jars of petroleum jelly.
217
00:17:02,487 --> 00:17:03,806
Oh.
218
00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:06,527
Wonders will never cease.
219
00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:09,679
How goes it, Mrs Meldrew? Are you winning?
220
00:17:10,887 --> 00:17:13,082
Oh. Good morning.
221
00:17:13,247 --> 00:17:16,444
We haven't met. Tom Croker. I'm Pippa's father.
222
00:17:16,607 --> 00:17:18,040
Oh.
223
00:17:18,207 --> 00:17:20,402
I've just... Oh. Oh, dear.
224
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:23,967
Forgive me. I've got a streamer coming on.
225
00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:27,756
Bless you.
It sounds as if you ought to get back indoors.
226
00:17:27,927 --> 00:17:32,125
I'd love to. I'm afraid I've just locked myself
out of the wretched house.
227
00:17:32,287 --> 00:17:35,643
Oh, no. Is there no one else in?
228
00:17:35,807 --> 00:17:41,200
They've both gone shopping. Patrick very kindly
let me come over today to use his computer.
229
00:17:41,367 --> 00:17:45,121
I just popped out the front to the car,
the door slammed shut.
230
00:17:45,287 --> 00:17:46,686
Oh, dear.
231
00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:05,522
Excuse the gnomes.
It's a bit of a story.
232
00:18:06,887 --> 00:18:09,276
You're very kind, Mrs Meldrew.
233
00:18:09,447 --> 00:18:11,836
Oh, what have you got here?
234
00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:16,956
''Plain Truth'', ''War Cry''
and four copies of ''Watchtower''.
235
00:18:17,127 --> 00:18:20,517
Is your husband
a man of strong religious beliefs?
236
00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:24,680
Well, he strongly believes
in castrating Jehovah's Witnesses.
237
00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:30,241
- I don't know if that counts.
- Time of year. A lot of it about.
238
00:19:02,887 --> 00:19:06,960
Good morning to you.
You must be Mr Meldrew. Tom Croker.
239
00:19:07,887 --> 00:19:10,321
- Yes?
- I am sorry to disturb you.
240
00:19:10,487 --> 00:19:14,082
I won't need to impose upon you too long.
It's just that I...
241
00:19:14,247 --> 00:19:16,442
I'm sorry. I'm really not interested.
242
00:19:16,607 --> 00:19:21,397
But I was like you - stranded on the outside
without a key. It happens all too often.
243
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:24,320
Yes How much are the magazines?
244
00:19:24,487 --> 00:19:28,878
- Erm... I beg your pardon?
- 30p, is it? To cover the cost of the printing.
245
00:19:29,047 --> 00:19:34,041
Very kind of you to call. Thank you very much.
I'll read this later. Happy Christmas to you.
246
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,596
Mr Meldrew, I'm sorry. I ought to explain.
247
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:39,725
Yes, another time. I'm really very busy.
248
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,606
Thank you very much indeed. Goodbye.
249
00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:48,119
You can never get rid of these ruddy people.
250
00:19:49,127 --> 00:19:52,517
And they always come
at the most inconvenient...
251
00:19:59,287 --> 00:20:01,676
What am I doing?
252
00:20:05,087 --> 00:20:07,555
I should be in the inside, surely.
253
00:20:11,887 --> 00:20:13,764
OK, Victor?
254
00:20:18,767 --> 00:20:22,043
It isn't that Victor doesn't believe in God.
255
00:20:22,207 --> 00:20:26,200
It's just that they haven't been
on speaking terms lately.
256
00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:29,245
Perhaps you could put in a good word.
257
00:20:29,407 --> 00:20:34,037
That won't be very easy, I'm afraid.
You see, Victor may, but I'm afraid I don't.
258
00:20:34,207 --> 00:20:36,880
- Don't what?
- Believe in God.
259
00:20:38,087 --> 00:20:40,885
- Sorry?
- I don't believe in God.
260
00:20:41,047 --> 00:20:45,643
Of course, I used to. I used to believe
in fairies and elves, once upon a time.
261
00:20:46,847 --> 00:20:50,044
I used to believe in the SDP's economic policy.
262
00:20:51,047 --> 00:20:56,883
I'm afraid, this last year, I've had the most
terrible crisis of faith. Everything crumbled.
263
00:20:57,047 --> 00:21:01,040
After 40 years ministering,
it was most unnerving, I can't tell you.
264
00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:04,802
That is why this will be
my last Christmas with the Church.
265
00:21:05,527 --> 00:21:09,884
On January 1st,
I'm leaving to go and work in resins.
266
00:21:10,047 --> 00:21:11,719
Resins?
267
00:21:11,887 --> 00:21:17,086
Yes. A rising new company has offered me
a position on the board. Very handsome salary.
268
00:21:17,247 --> 00:21:20,364
At my time of life, it was manna from heaven.
269
00:21:21,527 --> 00:21:26,840
Only I... I can remember quite clearly
when I first discovered God.
270
00:21:28,807 --> 00:21:31,002
It was September 4th.
271
00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:32,964
1951.
272
00:21:33,127 --> 00:21:35,721
And then I lost him again one day last summer.
273
00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:39,962
Woke up one morning in July
274
00:21:40,127 --> 00:21:42,083
and he was gone.
275
00:21:42,247 --> 00:21:44,636
You make him sound like a hamster.
276
00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:53,160
It grieves me more than I can say,
but I have to go with my conscience.
277
00:21:53,327 --> 00:21:56,125
Faith is absolute or it's nothing at all.
278
00:21:57,127 --> 00:22:00,324
And when I look around and try to explain,
279
00:22:01,887 --> 00:22:04,355
explain to someone like Mrs Burridge...
280
00:22:05,527 --> 00:22:08,121
She's a young mother, barely 30.
281
00:22:08,287 --> 00:22:10,881
The most devout and reverent of Christians.
282
00:22:11,047 --> 00:22:13,436
Has a little boy aged six.
283
00:22:14,727 --> 00:22:19,926
Last Monday, her husband left the house
to fly to Munich on a business trip.
284
00:22:20,927 --> 00:22:23,236
He was going to be away seven days
285
00:22:23,407 --> 00:22:28,197
and come back on Christmas Eve
so they could all attend Midnight Mass together.
286
00:22:29,087 --> 00:22:31,282
He never even got to the airport.
287
00:22:33,087 --> 00:22:35,965
Car collided with a petrol tanker
288
00:22:36,967 --> 00:22:40,084
and he was burnt alive at the steering wheel.
289
00:22:42,887 --> 00:22:45,720
Words of comfort come hard, Mrs Meldrew.
290
00:22:47,287 --> 00:22:50,359
There isn't much you can say, is there?
291
00:22:50,527 --> 00:22:56,079
It's pitiful to see a woman with her appetite
for living so absolutely...crushed.
292
00:22:57,087 --> 00:23:01,638
And yet from somewhere she finds the strength
to carry on with her life,
293
00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:04,998
which can't be easy,
294
00:23:05,767 --> 00:23:08,725
working in that video shop all day long.
295
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:13,085
Dishing out death and destruction
to amuse the masses.
296
00:23:13,247 --> 00:23:17,286
Perhaps you know her. It's quite near here.
Corner of Hogarth Avenue.
297
00:23:17,447 --> 00:23:19,836
Young girl with long blonde hair.
298
00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:24,603
No, but I very rarely go in those shops.
Hello... Sounds as if they're back.
299
00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:26,086
Yes.
300
00:23:26,247 --> 00:23:30,843
- You can get back to your computer now.
- I am so sorry to be a bit morbid.
301
00:23:31,007 --> 00:23:34,682
- Goodbye, Mr Meldrew. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
302
00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:36,838
It's lovely to have met you.
303
00:23:37,007 --> 00:23:41,603
I don't usually go around spreading
doom and gloom in other people's houses.
304
00:23:41,767 --> 00:23:44,884
- Bye.
- Bye. And a very merry Christmas.
305
00:23:45,047 --> 00:23:46,366
God.
306
00:23:47,887 --> 00:23:52,165
Don't. Whatever you do...just don't.
307
00:23:52,327 --> 00:23:55,717
- All right, then, I won't.
- I don't know why I did.
308
00:23:55,887 --> 00:24:00,677
- I said I wouldn't do it. I swore I wouldn't do it.
- Well, why did you do it, then?
309
00:24:00,847 --> 00:24:04,760
Nothing short of
a complete and total public humiliation
310
00:24:04,927 --> 00:24:08,522
in front of 500 cackling crows.
311
00:24:09,887 --> 00:24:14,483
Nativity play? It was more like
the Gospel according to the Marx Brothers.
312
00:24:14,647 --> 00:24:17,480
Can I get any of that before you guzzle it all?
313
00:24:17,647 --> 00:24:22,357
I swallow all my pride, every last ounce of dignity,
to dress as the back half of a cow
314
00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:26,918
and what do I find?
The costume department's lost the front half.
315
00:24:28,687 --> 00:24:31,804
But not to worry. Mrs Prowse to the rescue
316
00:24:31,967 --> 00:24:36,165
with the front half of a giant rabbit
left over from Easter.
317
00:24:36,327 --> 00:24:39,080
With any luck, no one will notice the difference.
318
00:24:39,247 --> 00:24:43,035
That's not a bad drop of plonk
for Great-Aunt Joyce.
319
00:24:44,207 --> 00:24:49,076
Ended up lumbering around the crib like the
result of some horrible vivisection experiment.
320
00:24:50,287 --> 00:24:55,919
I'm still peckish. Do you want to heat up the rest
of that bubble and squeak before we go to bed?
321
00:24:56,087 --> 00:24:58,476
And that was a moving moment, wasn't it?
322
00:24:58,647 --> 00:25:03,357
When the angel of the Lord came down and
said, ''Bugger me. What the hell's happening?''
323
00:25:06,487 --> 00:25:09,206
I've never seen such a cheapskate production.
324
00:25:09,367 --> 00:25:13,599
The three wise men were all cardboard cut-outs.
I suppose you noticed that?
325
00:25:13,767 --> 00:25:19,046
Half the audience thought the stable was being
invaded by the pirates from ''Captain Pugwash''.
326
00:25:19,207 --> 00:25:24,201
And you would have thought at least
they could have found a child's doll or something
327
00:25:24,367 --> 00:25:27,359
as the baby Jesus. That was the absolute limit.
328
00:25:27,527 --> 00:25:30,564
A marrow wrapped in swaddling clothes.
329
00:25:30,727 --> 00:25:35,403
Oh, for goodness' sake,
shut up going on and on about the bloody thing.
330
00:25:35,567 --> 00:25:39,196
You've made your point,
it was a complete disaster. Let it rest.
331
00:25:39,367 --> 00:25:42,165
Who's that at this time of night?
332
00:25:45,287 --> 00:25:48,882
I'm finished with amateur dramatics for life,
I am straight.
333
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:52,005
- Hello, love.
- Merry Christmas.
334
00:25:52,167 --> 00:25:54,635
We heard you come in, so thought we'd get you.
335
00:25:54,807 --> 00:25:58,402
- Oh, come on in. Have some sherry.
- Oh, thank you.
336
00:25:59,887 --> 00:26:04,483
Oh. I see what you mean about...
all your goblins.
337
00:26:04,647 --> 00:26:05,966
Yes.
338
00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:11,478
How's your father? He's got a lot
on his mind this Christmas, hasn't he?
339
00:26:11,647 --> 00:26:15,435
It was nice meeting him,
in spite of all the mishaps.
340
00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:17,598
There we are.
341
00:26:18,607 --> 00:26:20,996
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
342
00:26:21,167 --> 00:26:22,486
Cheers.
343
00:26:22,647 --> 00:26:27,038
- That's what we came round for, actually.
- What's that?
344
00:26:27,207 --> 00:26:29,846
- My father's Christmas present.
- Sorry?
345
00:26:30,007 --> 00:26:34,000
The bottle of wine. Fortnum & Mason
delivered it yesterday morning.
346
00:26:34,167 --> 00:26:39,366
I hope you don't mind us asking them to deliver it
to you, but we weren't sure when it'd arrive
347
00:26:39,527 --> 00:26:43,440
and we didn't want to risk him spotting it.
He'd have tumbled it.
348
00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:47,679
- The bottle of wine.
- Being a collector.
349
00:26:47,847 --> 00:26:51,442
Well, a fanatic, really,
when it comes to his wine.
350
00:26:51,607 --> 00:26:55,202
He's been after this particular one
for God knows how long.
351
00:26:55,367 --> 00:27:00,566
A real stroke of luck that we found it.
Ch�teau Chevigny Meursault, 1924.
352
00:27:00,727 --> 00:27:03,082
Incredibly rare.
353
00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:06,637
He's got his 60th birthday coming up on the 28th,
354
00:27:06,807 --> 00:27:09,799
so it's a big combined present for the two.
355
00:27:09,967 --> 00:27:15,758
It's amazing, really, isn't it, to think of a bottle
of wine that's 10 years older than your father?
356
00:27:15,927 --> 00:27:18,885
Amazing to think of a bottle that cost 850 quid.
357
00:27:19,047 --> 00:27:23,040
Oh, shh. You don't have to
keep shouting about the price.
358
00:27:25,287 --> 00:27:27,676
Oh, well, I'll just get it for you.
359
00:27:36,687 --> 00:27:40,885
Is that them from next door?
It's a bit late to be out. What do they want?
360
00:27:49,887 --> 00:27:51,479
Victor.
361
00:27:51,647 --> 00:27:55,720
That very expensive bottle of wine
that was sent to us by Great-Aunt Joyce
362
00:27:55,887 --> 00:27:58,276
wasn't from Great-Aunt Joyce or for us.
363
00:27:58,447 --> 00:28:03,237
- Not from Great-Aunt Joyce? The card...
- Yes. The card was from her.
364
00:28:04,367 --> 00:28:08,360
The wine was from
a very expensive place in London.
365
00:28:08,527 --> 00:28:10,722
It belongs to Patrick and Pippa.
366
00:28:10,887 --> 00:28:15,915
And the couriers left it in our house
for safe...keeping.
367
00:28:22,287 --> 00:28:24,278
It cost L850,
368
00:28:24,447 --> 00:28:27,484
it's been perfectly preserved for over 60 years
369
00:28:28,287 --> 00:28:33,281
and you've just poured the last drops
in the bubble and squeak.
370
00:28:44,287 --> 00:28:45,879
Right.
371
00:28:46,047 --> 00:28:47,639
Well...
372
00:28:47,807 --> 00:28:50,196
you better go in and apologise.
373
00:28:51,687 --> 00:28:54,884
And I'll go and rest my neck on a railway line.
374
00:28:57,287 --> 00:29:01,280
- What are you doing?
- I'll fill it up and stick the cork back in.
375
00:29:01,447 --> 00:29:05,838
A thing like this, nobody ever drinks it.
They put it in a cellar and look at it.
376
00:29:06,007 --> 00:29:11,001
With a bit of luck, nobody will notice
the difference. Ahh. Bloody thing.
377
00:29:12,887 --> 00:29:15,276
Get me the funnel out of that drawer.
378
00:29:15,447 --> 00:29:17,836
What are you doing now?
379
00:29:31,687 --> 00:29:35,475
I'm sorry to be so long.
We couldn't remember where we'd put it.
380
00:29:35,647 --> 00:29:39,435
- Oh, thanks. Now, guard that with your life.
- Don't worry.
381
00:29:39,607 --> 00:29:43,202
We won't keep you any longer.
You'll be ready for your bed.
382
00:29:43,367 --> 00:29:45,722
- Thanks for the sherry.
- Not at all.
383
00:29:45,887 --> 00:29:50,085
- And merry Christmas.
- Yes, merry Christmas to you, too.
384
00:29:50,247 --> 00:29:52,442
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
385
00:29:58,767 --> 00:30:00,962
If you do believe in God,
386
00:30:01,127 --> 00:30:05,325
I'd say now's the time
to start saying your prayers.
387
00:30:33,967 --> 00:30:37,880
Today is the last Sunday
that I shall stand before you
388
00:30:38,047 --> 00:30:42,404
as the incumbent priest
of the parish of St Luke's.
389
00:30:42,567 --> 00:30:44,956
It's no exaggeration to say
390
00:30:45,127 --> 00:30:48,563
that this is one of the saddest days of my life.
391
00:30:48,727 --> 00:30:52,720
And yet as I look around the faces
of you here before me,
392
00:30:52,887 --> 00:30:56,880
I'm only too well aware
that there are those amongst you
393
00:30:57,047 --> 00:31:00,835
whose burden of grief
is far, far greater than mine.
394
00:31:01,847 --> 00:31:04,441
To all of you I send my fondest thanks
395
00:31:04,607 --> 00:31:09,397
and my sincere assurances
that as I make my way to pastures new,
396
00:31:09,567 --> 00:31:12,365
from the world of holy orders
397
00:31:12,527 --> 00:31:16,520
to the world of multinational
industrial plastics conglomerates,
398
00:31:16,687 --> 00:31:20,475
I shall continue to hold dear
all those timeless virtues
399
00:31:20,647 --> 00:31:24,435
of benevolence, compassion,
sensitivity and...
400
00:31:24,607 --> 00:31:28,600
Excuse me.
401
00:31:30,287 --> 00:31:31,879
How are you?
402
00:31:33,287 --> 00:31:36,085
I'm in the middle of a sermon at the moment.
403
00:31:36,247 --> 00:31:38,442
Are you at the office?
404
00:31:38,607 --> 00:31:40,996
Yes, I will, as soon as I'm through.
405
00:32:04,247 --> 00:32:06,715
Are you the postman?
406
00:32:07,807 --> 00:32:09,399
Sorry?
407
00:32:11,087 --> 00:32:13,476
- Oh. Thank you.
- Adam.
408
00:32:19,887 --> 00:32:21,206
Ahh.
409
00:32:21,367 --> 00:32:24,643
Mrs Burridge, I just wanted to...
The other day, I...
410
00:32:24,807 --> 00:32:28,800
The things that I said at the time,
I was just er...
411
00:33:04,567 --> 00:33:07,035
It's still wobbling about out there.
412
00:33:08,287 --> 00:33:12,075
- What is?
- That tree outside Mrs Aylesbury's, opposite.
413
00:33:12,247 --> 00:33:14,636
It got very badly weakened in the storm.
414
00:33:14,807 --> 00:33:19,597
The kids have been playing lumberjacks
to get it to go through her upstairs window.
415
00:33:20,447 --> 00:33:24,440
They've phoned the Parks Department
five times,
416
00:33:24,607 --> 00:33:27,041
but it seems the phones are all still off.
417
00:33:27,207 --> 00:33:29,801
I've never known a Christmas like it.
418
00:33:29,967 --> 00:33:32,481
Yes, it hasn't been the happiest on record.
419
00:33:32,647 --> 00:33:34,444
For anyone.
420
00:33:35,287 --> 00:33:37,881
I suppose if it teaches us something,
421
00:33:38,047 --> 00:33:42,643
it teaches us to be thankful
and not to go about and mo...
422
00:33:43,647 --> 00:33:46,036
What am I doing with this?
423
00:33:46,207 --> 00:33:48,596
I went downstairs for a book.
424
00:33:50,087 --> 00:33:52,476
I've just about had enough of you, matey.
425
00:34:00,487 --> 00:34:04,400
Victor. You are not
to put his head down the toilet again.
426
00:34:31,567 --> 00:34:35,958
Oh. I forgot to tell you. I met
the Reverend Croker again today, Pippa's father.
427
00:34:36,127 --> 00:34:41,326
He says they're laying on some special dinner
for the homeless down the community centre,
428
00:34:41,487 --> 00:34:44,081
give them a decent meal for once in the year.
429
00:34:44,767 --> 00:34:48,077
Er...I said I'd go along and give them a hand.
430
00:34:48,247 --> 00:34:51,444
- Help with the washing-up or something.
- Mm.
431
00:34:54,087 --> 00:34:56,885
You'll miss your Christmas dinner.
432
00:34:57,047 --> 00:35:02,041
Well, we can have it at teatime.
It's not that big a deal. It's only a few hours.
433
00:35:02,207 --> 00:35:06,166
Do something worthwhile this year,
for once in my life.
434
00:35:06,887 --> 00:35:11,358
Oh. So I'm to spend Christmas morning
alone now, am I?
435
00:35:11,527 --> 00:35:14,485
For goodness'... Look, what if I was the Pope?
436
00:35:14,647 --> 00:35:17,241
You wouldn't see me at all then, would you?
437
00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:20,319
I mean, what happened to goodwill to all men?
438
00:35:27,447 --> 00:35:31,838
And that's from Mr and Mrs Burkett.
Send all their love and best wishes.
439
00:35:32,007 --> 00:35:34,601
What have they been spending their money on?
440
00:35:36,847 --> 00:35:39,839
It's a shame
he wouldn't have a tree in the house.
441
00:35:40,007 --> 00:35:42,396
Not the same without a tree, is it?
442
00:35:42,567 --> 00:35:46,162
Always have a tree,
even if it's only a little one.
443
00:35:47,287 --> 00:35:48,879
Yes
444
00:35:51,287 --> 00:35:53,278
Oh, dear.
445
00:35:56,887 --> 00:35:59,276
I did tell them you wanted one,
446
00:35:59,447 --> 00:36:02,439
but that was before the...
447
00:36:04,687 --> 00:36:08,362
Well, I'd better be running along, I suppose.
448
00:36:08,527 --> 00:36:10,722
I've got a few more calls to make.
449
00:36:10,887 --> 00:36:15,517
So you won't be
having your dinner till this evening, then?
450
00:36:15,687 --> 00:36:17,006
No.
451
00:36:17,167 --> 00:36:19,601
Still, gives you more time.
452
00:36:19,767 --> 00:36:25,285
I must say I thought that was
a very generous gesture, not like Victor at all.
453
00:36:25,447 --> 00:36:28,359
Well, not like any husband, really.
454
00:36:28,527 --> 00:36:33,123
Giving up his Christmas Day
to go down that draughty old community centre.
455
00:36:34,087 --> 00:36:36,396
Pity a few more can't be bothered.
456
00:36:37,407 --> 00:36:38,726
Right.
457
00:36:38,887 --> 00:36:40,878
Oh, gloves.
458
00:36:41,047 --> 00:36:43,845
It's turned really chilly out there now.
459
00:36:44,527 --> 00:36:49,521
Forecast said we might have some snow tonight.
Well, bye-bye, Margaret.
460
00:36:49,687 --> 00:36:51,678
See you soon.
461
00:36:51,847 --> 00:36:54,441
Merry Christmas. And thanks for the sherry.
462
00:36:54,607 --> 00:36:56,802
Yes. Bye, Jean.
463
00:36:56,967 --> 00:36:59,162
And thank you.
464
00:37:23,487 --> 00:37:27,685
There we are. The last of the sprouts, Victor,
if anyone wants more.
465
00:37:27,847 --> 00:37:29,246
Right.
466
00:37:42,887 --> 00:37:44,878
Very good.
467
00:37:46,887 --> 00:37:48,684
Waiter?
468
00:37:50,887 --> 00:37:53,276
Is everything OK for you?
469
00:37:53,447 --> 00:37:55,881
Can you tell me the time at all?
470
00:37:56,047 --> 00:37:59,278
Erm, no, I can't. I didn't put my watch on.
471
00:37:59,447 --> 00:38:03,440
2.51 and two seconds...precisely.
472
00:38:03,607 --> 00:38:05,404
Is it?
473
00:38:05,567 --> 00:38:07,364
Is it? Good.
474
00:38:07,527 --> 00:38:09,518
2-5-1-2.
475
00:38:09,687 --> 00:38:14,966
2-5-1-2 in the year of our Lord 1-9-9-0.
476
00:38:15,967 --> 00:38:18,800
Yes. Something to think about there.
477
00:38:18,967 --> 00:38:22,357
We've lost the ability
to tell time for ourselves, you see.
478
00:38:22,527 --> 00:38:25,121
It's all done with clocks these days.
479
00:38:25,287 --> 00:38:29,280
Takes away all the skill,
squinting at quartz analogue watches.
480
00:38:29,447 --> 00:38:33,042
Measuring the sun's passage
across the firmament.
481
00:38:33,207 --> 00:38:37,200
Not many people left
can actually tell time any more.
482
00:38:37,367 --> 00:38:39,358
Not many of us left.
483
00:38:40,887 --> 00:38:42,923
2.51
484
00:38:43,087 --> 00:38:45,078
and 39 seconds.
485
00:38:50,287 --> 00:38:54,280
- So if you want any more gravy...
- I don't mind waiting, Mr Meldrew.
486
00:38:54,447 --> 00:38:57,405
I don't mind waiting one little bit.
487
00:39:01,687 --> 00:39:04,076
Good. That's the ticket, then.
488
00:39:39,887 --> 00:39:44,199
Thank you very much indeed, Mrs Rutland.
You've been tremendous. Merry Christmas.
489
00:39:44,367 --> 00:39:46,358
Bye to you.
490
00:39:48,527 --> 00:39:51,280
Victor, I think we've cracked it.
491
00:39:51,447 --> 00:39:54,644
- Everyone gone out there?
- Er...
492
00:39:54,807 --> 00:39:57,196
Yes, they've all gone except one.
493
00:39:58,207 --> 00:40:00,596
A gentleman called Mr Starkey.
494
00:40:00,767 --> 00:40:02,359
He er...
495
00:40:03,367 --> 00:40:09,602
He doesn't seem too keen on going just yet.
He said he...doesn't mind waiting.
496
00:40:09,767 --> 00:40:12,565
- Wait for what?
- Er...
497
00:40:12,727 --> 00:40:14,718
Well, erm...
498
00:40:14,887 --> 00:40:17,276
Armageddon, apparently,
499
00:40:17,447 --> 00:40:22,077
which he seems to think will be
at 20 past eight this evening. And 15 seconds.
500
00:40:22,247 --> 00:40:27,037
I've got to get this place vacated by four o'clock
or the council will be down on us.
501
00:40:27,207 --> 00:40:31,598
Tell him to go on down to the Sally Army hall
like everyone else.
502
00:40:31,767 --> 00:40:35,362
- Yes. I did try and explain that, but...
- Yes?
503
00:40:39,607 --> 00:40:42,599
Well, he's got a machine gun.
504
00:40:44,687 --> 00:40:48,077
- Pardon me?
- He's got a machine gun.
505
00:40:48,247 --> 00:40:50,636
I didn't like to ask where he got it from,
506
00:40:50,807 --> 00:40:54,800
but he says it's very useful
for getting a seat on the bus.
507
00:40:54,967 --> 00:40:59,358
The other thing he said was that he wants us
to get him a set of new clothes
508
00:40:59,527 --> 00:41:01,916
because he says he can't...
509
00:41:02,927 --> 00:41:08,126
He can't possibly meet the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse without a clean shirt.
510
00:41:08,287 --> 00:41:11,199
Tell him to go away and stop being so silly.
511
00:41:11,367 --> 00:41:13,278
Right.
512
00:41:14,687 --> 00:41:19,078
- What about the machine gun?
- It's only a toy, isn't it, obviously?
513
00:41:19,247 --> 00:41:23,445
Tell him I've got to lock up
and be out of here in ten minutes.
514
00:41:25,487 --> 00:41:26,886
Right.
515
00:41:35,887 --> 00:41:37,320
Ahh.
516
00:41:37,487 --> 00:41:40,081
There's our white Christmas after all, then.
517
00:41:41,247 --> 00:41:43,681
Very seasonal.
518
00:42:01,287 --> 00:42:04,677
I-I'm not sure
I'm getting through to him, I'm afraid.
519
00:42:04,847 --> 00:42:09,875
He seems quite pleased with the new set
of clothes, but he's not ready to leave just yet.
520
00:42:10,047 --> 00:42:13,437
I say.
What the devil does he think he's playing at?
521
00:42:44,287 --> 00:42:48,121
- I wonder if we ought to call the police.
- It had crossed my mind.
522
00:42:48,287 --> 00:42:52,838
You go back in there and keep him talking.
I'll see if I can get the station.
523
00:42:57,887 --> 00:43:01,482
That's all right, Reverend.
You can put that down.
524
00:43:03,087 --> 00:43:05,647
I don't mind waiting.
525
00:44:09,287 --> 00:44:13,280
One of the things
I hate most about modern civilisation
526
00:44:14,287 --> 00:44:16,721
is you're driving along in your car, right?
527
00:44:16,887 --> 00:44:19,082
Driving at the wheel of your car...
528
00:44:20,287 --> 00:44:22,676
..and there's this van in front of you.
529
00:44:22,847 --> 00:44:25,236
And the back's open.
530
00:44:25,407 --> 00:44:29,400
And there's this guy sitting there
on a pile of sacks
531
00:44:29,567 --> 00:44:31,762
eating grapes.
532
00:44:32,767 --> 00:44:35,406
And spitting the pips at your windscreen.
533
00:44:37,287 --> 00:44:39,676
I can't stand it when that happens.
534
00:44:39,847 --> 00:44:43,044
It makes my blood...boil.
535
00:44:43,207 --> 00:44:47,200
- Oh, y-yes, I know.
- Absolutely. Terrible thing to do to anyone.
536
00:45:02,287 --> 00:45:06,075
- What time is it now, Mr Starkey?
- Time now?
537
00:45:07,607 --> 00:45:10,485
6.46 and 39 seconds.
538
00:45:23,287 --> 00:45:26,085
What exactly are we waiting for?
539
00:45:27,487 --> 00:45:29,876
The vials of wrath, Mr Meldrew.
540
00:45:30,807 --> 00:45:34,800
The final conflict against
the mother of harlots and abominations.
541
00:45:34,967 --> 00:45:36,286
Ah.
542
00:45:36,447 --> 00:45:37,766
Right.
543
00:45:37,927 --> 00:45:40,316
In an hour and a half from now,
544
00:45:40,487 --> 00:45:44,878
a multitude of frogs shall spring forth
from the mouths of false prophets.
545
00:45:46,087 --> 00:45:48,282
Yes. I expect so.
546
00:45:48,447 --> 00:45:51,439
And then...the miracle of deliverance.
547
00:45:52,447 --> 00:45:57,760
By 9.23, the water of life
shall proceed forth from the throne of the Lamb.
548
00:45:57,927 --> 00:46:00,999
And the day of the Lord shall be...
549
00:46:01,167 --> 00:46:04,762
- What's that?
- Someone breaking in. It might be the police.
550
00:46:05,887 --> 00:46:08,276
Don't either of you move a muscle.
551
00:46:13,887 --> 00:46:17,084
- Anyone at home?
- Pippa. Don't come in.
552
00:46:17,247 --> 00:46:19,841
Dad. Where the hell have you been?
553
00:46:20,007 --> 00:46:22,396
Get back out. He's got a gun.
554
00:46:22,567 --> 00:46:25,161
Who has?
555
00:46:25,327 --> 00:46:29,923
Close the door behind you.
You'll sit and wait with us, won't you?
556
00:46:32,287 --> 00:46:35,199
Have you any idea what time it is?
557
00:46:36,767 --> 00:46:42,319
It's snowing like mad out there.
They'll both freeze to death. Look at them.
558
00:46:42,487 --> 00:46:43,806
Er...
559
00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:45,764
Time now...
560
00:46:45,927 --> 00:46:48,805
..6.48 precisely.
561
00:46:48,967 --> 00:46:51,481
Pippa, don't argue with the gentleman.
562
00:46:51,647 --> 00:46:53,763
He won't hurt you.
563
00:46:54,487 --> 00:46:57,797
I've seen him in the park, feeding the squirrels.
564
00:47:02,287 --> 00:47:05,279
Now...come on.
565
00:47:06,287 --> 00:47:09,723
Put that thing down and we can all go home.
566
00:47:13,767 --> 00:47:16,361
Do you want a smack around the head?
567
00:47:19,487 --> 00:47:23,526
- Not really.
- Well, give it here, then.
568
00:48:03,727 --> 00:48:06,321
How are you feeling? Still edgy?
569
00:48:06,487 --> 00:48:10,605
Would you like me to mash you up
a Valium in a mince pie?
570
00:48:14,287 --> 00:48:17,279
20 past eight's been and gone.
571
00:48:17,447 --> 00:48:20,917
What happened
to the mother of harlots and abominations?
572
00:48:21,087 --> 00:48:25,126
Have we missed Cilla Black
or is it on tomorrow?
573
00:48:26,687 --> 00:48:29,076
I wonder where he did get that gun.
574
00:48:29,247 --> 00:48:31,636
Said he got it for Christmas.
575
00:48:32,687 --> 00:48:34,678
Poor sod.
576
00:48:34,847 --> 00:48:36,644
Christmas
577
00:48:37,647 --> 00:48:42,721
Well, he had his faith. Makes you wonder
what to believe in, who's listening.
578
00:48:44,087 --> 00:48:46,885
What are you waffling on about?
579
00:48:47,047 --> 00:48:50,437
That little boy
whose father was blown up in the car crash.
580
00:48:50,607 --> 00:48:53,405
How do you make children like that understand?
581
00:48:54,407 --> 00:48:57,922
Some people pray to God,
some write to Father Christmas.
582
00:48:58,087 --> 00:49:01,318
Comes to the same thing in the end,
all the good it does.
583
00:49:01,487 --> 00:49:04,206
I see why people like Croker want to pack it in.
584
00:49:04,367 --> 00:49:08,883
It's stopped snowing out there.
They said it wouldn't come to much.
585
00:49:10,047 --> 00:49:12,038
Mm?
586
00:49:12,207 --> 00:49:13,606
Erm...
587
00:49:14,887 --> 00:49:19,085
I-I know we said, you know,
we agreed about erm...
588
00:49:19,247 --> 00:49:24,037
not giving each other anything for Christmas,
so don't start moaning, right?
589
00:49:25,287 --> 00:49:26,879
But...
590
00:49:27,887 --> 00:49:30,355
Happy Christmas, anyway.
591
00:49:30,527 --> 00:49:32,119
Ohh.
592
00:49:43,087 --> 00:49:46,284
Ohhh, thank you.
593
00:49:47,287 --> 00:49:49,676
I don't know... I mean, I...
594
00:49:49,847 --> 00:49:51,439
Awww.
595
00:49:53,487 --> 00:49:56,604
What did you buy me a new watch for?
596
00:49:56,767 --> 00:50:00,396
You can throw that other thing away
and stop trying to guess the time.
597
00:50:01,807 --> 00:50:04,446
Well, I suppose I might as well confess.
598
00:50:04,607 --> 00:50:08,805
- What's that?
- I've done the same thing.
599
00:50:19,287 --> 00:50:21,676
I bought myself a new watch as well.
600
00:50:30,487 --> 00:50:33,797
I'm sorry, but we did... I mean, didn't we?
601
00:50:35,687 --> 00:50:37,279
Yes.
602
00:50:37,447 --> 00:50:39,438
Yes, we did.
603
00:50:41,287 --> 00:50:43,084
Right.
604
00:50:43,247 --> 00:50:47,604
Erm...I think I'll turn in now.
I don't know about you.
605
00:50:57,687 --> 00:50:59,086
Yes.
606
00:50:59,247 --> 00:51:01,636
Nothing to stay up for now.
607
00:52:00,167 --> 00:52:02,556
Yeah, happy Christmas. Bye.
608
00:52:02,727 --> 00:52:05,321
See you soon. Bye.
609
00:53:02,607 --> 00:53:04,598
Oh, God.
610
00:53:14,287 --> 00:53:19,236
There we are, Ted. Two more to come from
upstairs and that's it. Can you manage, Victor?
611
00:53:19,407 --> 00:53:23,241
- Yes, thanks.
- Oh, God.
612
00:53:24,767 --> 00:53:30,205
We've had some Christmases,
but this must rank as the most depressing ever.
613
00:53:30,367 --> 00:53:33,484
Yes, it hasn't been very lucky for you, has it?
614
00:53:33,647 --> 00:53:37,435
But for others, of course,
it's been a different story.
615
00:53:37,607 --> 00:53:41,839
You heard about that woman's husband?
The one in your local video store.
616
00:53:42,007 --> 00:53:46,603
Mmm. Oh, yes. Yes, that was terrible.
Compared to a tragedy like that...
617
00:53:46,767 --> 00:53:49,156
No, no, no. Since then.
618
00:53:49,327 --> 00:53:51,841
Oh, you haven't heard.
619
00:53:52,007 --> 00:53:56,080
- Heard what?
- Well, he came back, the night before last.
620
00:53:56,247 --> 00:54:01,446
- What are you talking about?
- Apparently, when he left the other week,
621
00:54:01,607 --> 00:54:05,998
he took an early flight out,
to Germany or wherever.
622
00:54:07,087 --> 00:54:11,285
Parked at the airport
and someone stole his car,
623
00:54:11,447 --> 00:54:16,441
went out joyriding in it, hit a petrol tanker
and the whole lot went up.
624
00:54:17,447 --> 00:54:20,041
Naturally, they thought it was his body.
625
00:54:21,047 --> 00:54:26,246
And, of course, with the phones being down
all week, he couldn't phone home or anything.
626
00:54:26,407 --> 00:54:28,602
Can you imagine?
627
00:54:29,607 --> 00:54:31,996
After all that poor girl's been through,
628
00:54:32,167 --> 00:54:36,206
suddenly just turning up
on the doorstep again like that.
629
00:54:37,887 --> 00:54:40,276
Oh, New Berry Fruits.
630
00:54:47,287 --> 00:54:49,676
Mr Meldrew.
631
00:54:49,847 --> 00:54:53,920
- Have a nice Christmas?
- Ah, well, not sorry it's over, I suppose.
632
00:54:54,087 --> 00:54:58,797
- How about you?
- Quite fun, wasn't it, love? Quite fun.
633
00:54:58,967 --> 00:55:03,165
- On Christmas Day, especially.
- Yes, how is your father? All right?
634
00:55:03,327 --> 00:55:08,117
- I expect he's glad to be shot of it all.
- Oh, he's fine.
635
00:55:08,287 --> 00:55:13,281
- Seen worse than that over the years.
- Once he'd had his turkey, he was fine.
636
00:55:13,447 --> 00:55:16,166
We were fine. Everything was fine.
637
00:55:17,487 --> 00:55:22,481
Until the moment came for us to present him
with his bottle of Ch�teau Chevigny Meursault.
638
00:55:24,287 --> 00:55:27,085
If you can cast your mind back, Mr Meldrew,
639
00:55:27,247 --> 00:55:32,640
this was the bottle of extremely rare
vintage plonk which we paid L850 for.
640
00:55:33,447 --> 00:55:37,645
850 smackeroos of hard-earned cash.
641
00:55:38,687 --> 00:55:40,678
Do you remember?
642
00:55:40,847 --> 00:55:43,441
Imagine, then, our not unnatural surprise, when,
643
00:55:43,607 --> 00:55:48,397
just as we were delicately sliding
the 1924 classic from its box,
644
00:55:48,567 --> 00:55:54,563
the cork suddenly took it upon itself
to fly, unsolicited, up my father-in-law's nose.
645
00:55:57,007 --> 00:56:00,795
And something closely resembling
carbonated cat's urine
646
00:56:00,967 --> 00:56:03,959
started dribbling down the sides of the bottle.
647
00:56:06,887 --> 00:56:09,276
Well, that... Erm...
648
00:56:10,487 --> 00:56:12,603
You see, what happened...
649
00:56:12,767 --> 00:56:18,125
Still, we can't stand around here chatting all day.
Wave goodbye to your garden gnomes.
650
00:56:18,287 --> 00:56:21,643
Actually,
there's still a couple to come from upstairs.
651
00:56:21,807 --> 00:56:26,119
No, I was telling you. You'd better wave goodbye
to your garden gnomes. Darling?
652
00:56:42,287 --> 00:56:45,085
Right. I think we can hand it in now.
653
00:56:45,247 --> 00:56:47,636
Happy New Year, Mr Meldrew.
654
00:56:53,207 --> 00:56:55,596
That was from Great-Aunt Joyce.
655
00:56:55,767 --> 00:56:59,237
I told her it had cleared up,
but her hearing's not too good.
656
00:56:59,407 --> 00:57:03,036
Has he taken them?
What was all that racket a little while ago?
657
00:57:03,207 --> 00:57:08,201
Erm, nothing very much.
The er...truck backfired a bit, that's all.
658
00:57:08,367 --> 00:57:13,282
I heard smashing noises. I thought that tree
had finally gone over into Mrs Aylesbury's.
659
00:57:13,447 --> 00:57:16,723
It was looking very wonky when I went out.
Cup of tea?
660
00:57:16,887 --> 00:57:21,563
Eh... Well, as we're probably out of strychnine,
it'll have to be PG Tips.
661
00:57:59,127 --> 00:58:04,121
Looks like you've got a tree
in the house after all, then, Mr Meldrew.
56779
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