All language subtitles for Dudley.Do-Right.1999.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Narrator: Once upon a time,

in the little village of
putting-on-the-ritz,

there lived a wolf named phox.

That's phox with a p-h.
P-h-o-x, phox. My card.

Narrator: There was no one so
clever at driving a bargain.

Now, this horse is exactly
what you need, grandpa.

It's got a three-speed bridle,

matching horseshoes,
wide side walls...

It's a steal at 40 bazoozas.

Can I look at its teeth?

Teeth? Teeth?

Are you buying a horse or a beauty queen?
Come on, now.

Well, all right.
Here's your money.

And here's your horse.

Well, come on, horsey.

Hey, I wanted a live horse!

It was alive,
but I didn't say when.

Narrator: Nobody liked
the phox with a p-h,

but nobody could ever
get the better of him.

One day, the sly phox was
tripping through the woods.

Oh, Hardy-har-har.

When he chanced upon a mysterious
box sitting in an open glade.

On its top was written
this strange legend.

Phox: "To take
my treasure, you may try,

"but he who opens me shall diel"

a treasure chest! Ooh,
gadzooks, I'm in luck!

Ooh, but whoever
opens it shall die,

ergo, I gotta get some
dummy to open it for me.

But who would be
that much of a nitwit?

Owl

owl

narrator: Desmond dullwit wasn't
exactly the village idiot.

But I came in second!

Desmond, old buddy. Ow!

I need somebody
to open a box for me.

No, you don't. Whoever opens
that box is gonna die.

How'd you know that?

Oh, I was like, listening to the
first part of the story, you know?

Oh. So, I ain't gonna open it.

But you must, Desmond.

That box holds
a beautiful Princess

who was put under a spell by
a wicked witch, remember?

Well, listen.

Narrator: Little did Desmond
know that the wily phox

was an accomplished
ventriloquist.

Help! Help me, Desmond!

There is somebody in there.

Hey, how does she know my name?

Why, she's been secretly in
love with you for years.

Oh, joybells!

Hang on, honey!
Lover pumpkin is here!

Sainted aunt Hannah!
Oh! Look at that!

Gold. Jewelry.
Queen Victoria's spittoon.

I'm rich, rich!

I don't see no Princess, Mr.
Phox.

Of course not, you stupid lox.

It was a joke. Get it?

Huh?

Gee.

You go get yourself
a big croker sack,

and we'll divide
all the treasure.

Half and half.
Even-Steven. 80-20.

Yeah, all right, but I'd
rather have a Princess.

Narrator: No sooner
had Desmond gone,

the wily phox pulled out
a croker sack of his own

and began filling it
with the priceless treasure.

Meanwhile,

Desmond wandered through the lavender
Glen looking for a croker sack.

There he chanced upon
a beautiful milk maid.

Owl

hi there, missy.

You wouldn't happen to have an old
croker sack on you, would you?

Why, I'm wearing one.

Yeah, I just need it to put
my priceless treasure into.

Priceless treasure?

Just a minute, honey.

Here you are.

Ooh, thanks a bunch.

Wait for me, lover pumpkin!

Narrator: The smarmy phox
had filled his sack

when he noticed one small
coin left in the chest.

An Indian head penny!

Narrator: Of course, the
greedy phox had to have it.

Are you kidding? They bring three
bazoozas on the open market.

Narrator: But in reaching
for that last penny,

phox over-balanced, and...

Here I am, Mr. phox.

Ooh, lookie, he must have
left my share for me.

But where did he go?

I'm in the box. Let me out!

Sure you are.

What a kidder.

Get me out of here!

Well, thanks for divvying
it up with me, Mr. phox,

wherever you are.

Narrator: And the
stupid lox ambled off,

followed by the
beautiful milk maid.

Hold up, sugar puss!

Years later, whenever anyone would
ask about the phox with the p-h,

the answer was always the same.

Who cares?

As for Desmond dullwit,

he and his beautiful wife lived
happily to a ripe old age.

Wait a minute.

The legend said that whoever
opened the box would die.

Yep, but they didn't say when.

Narrator:
Once upon a time in Canada,

there unfolded a tale
of heroes and villains.

And it all began with two
boys, a girl and a horse.

Young Nell:
I don't know, Dudley.

Choosing what you want to be when you
grow up is a very serious matter.

It's not a question
of what I want, Nell.

It's my destiny to become
a royal Canadian mountie.

I think I'm going to
have to get out there

and see the world
before I choose.

What a bunch of wimps.

Why? What are you
going to be, snidely?

Me? Isn't it obvious?
I'm going to be the bad guy.

Why?

'Cause the bad guy
has all the fun.

And if you're the bad guy
you get to do stuff like this.

Young Nell: Snidely!

And this!

So long, mountie-boy!

I can ride better than that!

I can do this better, too.

Why, Dudley!

Come on, Nell.

Narrator:
Though young Nell's heart

was torn between
Dudley and snidely,

her two very best friends
in the world,

Dudley's mind was filled
with nothing but visions

of growing up to be a mountie.

Of course, this surely wouldn't hurt
in his quest for the young Nell.

For a mountie is always brave,

and strong and cool.

Let's try that again, shall we?

A mountie is always
brave and strong, and...

Narrator: It was 20 years later,

and Dudley do-right
had fulfilled his destiny.

He had grown up to be
a royal Canadian mountie.

And his faithful horse, horse,
who had grown up as well,

was the best-trained horse
this side of Ottawa.

Fetch!

Narrator: Okay, so he
wasn't that well-trained.

Still, Dudley was
a member in good standing

of the royal Canadian
mounted police.

He had his own grown-up fort,

he had his own grown-up office.

He had, indeed,
grown up to be brave

and strong and cool.

Narrator: Now, Dudley's lifelong
rival, snidely k. Whiplash,

had fulfilled
his destiny as well.

He had become the bad guy,

and he had brought a bunch of
his bad guy friends with him.

Can I help you?

Could you wait till
everyone's in, please?

What's the meaning of this?

This is a holdup.

Now, give us all your gold and all
your money, or we'll shoot you.

All of you? All of us!

No, wait. Kevin,
go and get the money.

Yes, sir. Don't forget the gold.

And don't forget the gold.

It's been a pleasure
doing business with you.

We got the money and the gold!

Let's go, boys!

Narrator: Snidely knew
the call would go out

to Canada's number one mountie.

Too bad he was tied up with
official mountie business.

No, no, no.

The anchovies go on the
half with the pepperoni,

and then it's one-quarter
garlic and one-quarter olives.

Good! Twenty minutes? That's it.

Thanks, mom. I love you, too.

Narrator: Here we go.

Meanwhile, back at snidely's
not-so-secret hideout...

Here's the money,
but where's the gold?

Whiplash took it.

Where is whiplash?

He's gotta be here somewhere.

He took off with all the gold.

All we have is this
measly $26,000.

We gotta find whip.
He's tricked us.

And when we do,
we're gonna kill him.

Really slowly.

Yeah, but where is he, huh?

That's a good question.

I heard he was in the Sudan.

Where's that?

In Africa, stupid.

He's supposed to be
at the Hilton hotel.

The Hilton, eh?

Mmm.

Come on, boys! Let's go get him!

Was that it was snidely himself

who was sending them to the
far reaches of the world.

Yes, he really was
a very bad guy.

It's all so easy.

All you have to do

1s find 999

of the stupidest criminals
in north America

and everything just
falls into place.

There's only one man
who can stop me now.

Narrator: And that one
man could only be

Dudley do-right of the royal
Canadian mounted police.

Meanwhile,
at an abandoned gold mine,

a sinister figure lurks.

I love to lurk. It's so me.

Everyone knew there wasn't any
gold left in the old mine.

But it was part of snidely's
evil plan to put some there.

The old mine shaft
just caved in.

I warned those kids.

Come on, time to go to the dark
and scary part of the forest.

Horse!

Fine. I'll take the vehicle.

All right, you kids.
Come on out of there.

I'm hardly a kid!

Snidely?

Snidely whiplash.

Dudley. Dudley do-right!

All right.

Queensberry rules.
Let's go. Put 'em up.

Ready when you are, d.D.

Why do you have a shotgun?

I was hunting. Mmm-hmm.

In an abandoned gold mine?

Yes. I was hunting for vampires.

Vampires?

Afraid so. Vampires.

Believe me, do-right,
they exist.

I don't believe you.

Hold this.

Examine, if you will,
this shell from a shotgun.

You'll notice, it's not
shot, but gold instead.

It's well-known,

to kill a vampire, you must drive
a stake through its heart,

or shoot it with
a golden bullet.

On.

So, then there really
are vampires around here?

Sadly, behind every tree,
practically.

What was that?

I shudder to speculate.

I have to go.

I thought you might.

So long.

Ciao.

Narrator: And so it went.

While the evil whiplash
was out hunting vampires,

our hero was at home,

hiding behind a cardboard mountie cutout.

After all,
even to a real mountie,

vampires can seem awfully scary.

Vampires, indeed.

Another week, and I'll
have those idiots thinking

there's gold
in them there hills.

In the daylight hours,
snidely was hard at work

arranging a meeting between a really big
train and the local bank president.

Is that a choo-choo train
I hear coming our way?

I can't do this
to our customers.

You'll own everything!

All right, all right. I'll sign.

All the bank's mortgages
are yours.

And a teller to be named later.

Right!

Pay up the mortgage now, or this
quaint little fixer-upper is mine.

You're not our banker.

Oh, I am now.

Read it and weep.

How can you do this to us?

How can I do this to you?
Madam, I was born to do it.

It's in my genes.

Now get out, and take
your munchkins with you.

That's right. Chop-chop.
Single file.

And wipe that smile off your face.
And no talking.

Narrator:
With his ill-gotten gains,

snidely whiplash was taking
over all of semi-happy valley,

and that included
the local motel,

the slaw-dogs stand,

the funeral home,

the very town itself.

Naturally, local residents
became a mite concerned.

What's going on out here?
What's wrong?

We've all just lost our
homes and businesses.

All: Yeah!

Well, that's a relief.

All: Huh? Itis?

Yes. I thought that
this was about the vampires.

No! This is about that
bloodsucker, snidely whiplash!

He's taken everything. Our homes,
our businesses, our farms!

All: Yeah!
What do you mean, "vampires"?

You mean, you don't know?

All: No.

The woods are filled with them.

All: What?

Man: Run for your lives!

Narrator: Our hero, Dudley
do-right, had never felt so alone.

Whiplash city was a ghost town.

His long lost Nell
had been gone for years.

Now, it was just him and horse.

It's just you and me, horse.

If I know anything, horse,
these two things are true.

Nell will never come back,
and you will never leave me.

Horse?

Horse!

Horse! Where are you going?
There's vampires out there!

Who goes there?

What?

Don't "what" me.

Don't "what" me.

I know you're a vampire.

I'm gonna warn ya.
I've got garlic in here.

It's me, Dudley.
It's Nell fenwick.

Don't try and confuse me.
I know you're a vampire.

And I can prove it, too, 'cause only
a vampire wouldn't know the answer

to this simple,
Canadian question.

What is Wayne gretzky's
middle name?

Well, I don't know, Dudley.

Well, do you?

No. No, I don't.

Oh, my god!

I am a vampire!

You're not a vampire, Dudley.

Is something burning?

Oh, yeah, right. Like you
think I'm stupid enough

to fall for that old trick.

Narrator: It was at that precise
moment when Nell remembered

that famous old
mountie movie song.

When I'm calling you

Nell! It really is you!

Will you answer, too?

That means I
offer my love to you

if you refuse me

both: What shall I do?

When I'm calling you

won't you come in, Nell?

Sure.

So, Nell,

what have you been
doing all these years?

Well, I went out and saw the
world, just like I planned.

Uh-huh. I got my master's
in philosophy from Yale.

A ph.D. In international
diplomacy from Harvard.

Oh, and then I served as
U.S. ambassador to Guam.

And?

And, now I've come home

to get the one thing
a good education can't buy.

Oh, I got you. You want one
of those fuzzy plaid blankets

that they sell down
at the mountie store?

No, Dudley.

Beach house with a hot tub?

No, I just...

Let's not play games, Nell.

I haven't had the chance
to say these words before...

Oh, Dudley!

Nell...

Oh, Dudley!

Dudley!

When I'm calling you

enough with the song.

Got it.

I'm sorry. Where was I?

Maybe we should just go out.

I hear they're having an
authentic corn festival dance

at the reservation, with
fireworks and everything.

Or picture this,

a quiet evening in front
of the fire avec moi,

toasting marshmallows,
drinking ovaltine.

Oh. Now I remember
what I was going to say.

Nell fenwick, I...

Huh?

Nell, I love youl!

Narrator: Though she had
traveled far and wide,

never before had Nell heard
a confession of love

from a moose.

Let's just go
to the corn festival.

Okey-dokey.

I'll get around to fixing the
floorboards next Tuesday.

I hope it's not hunting season.

Owl

a little help here for a moose?

Please? Thank you.

After finding the nearest
moose head removal service,

Dudley and Nell made their
way to the corn festival.

Dudley, this is
totally authentic!

This is Canada, Nell.
Things are real up here.

Oh. Say, there's the chief!

Chief!

Oh, chief!

Narrator: Yes, it was the chief

of that rarely studied tribe
of south Brooklyn Indians

known as the canarsie kumquats.

Or just the kumquats, for short.

Dudley! Long time no see.

You remember Nell.

Nell fenwick! You look terrific.
How's it goin'?

Me do well.

Good for you, sugar.

Well, come on.
Let's go see the show!

This riverdance stuff
is really hot lately.

Dudley? Hmm?

You remember standing
room only, don't you?

Oh, of course I do. How are
you, standing room only?

Great. Look, could we talk?

Certainly.

How!

Bravo! Oh, bravo!

Okay, look. A snitch
I ain't, all right?

But for the last week or so I've been
seeing this guy out in the woods at night

with this kind of Abe Lincoln
hat on and this opera coat,

goin' around shooting
rocks and streams,

crap like that, with a shotgun.

Yes? Go on.

What, you don't think
that's weird?

No, no. It's snidely whiplash.

He thinks he's hunting
vampires with gold bullets,

which scares the heck out of me.

Vampires or gold bullets?

Vampires.

I'll tell you what, chief. I think you're
straight out of your frickin' mind.

Me or him?

Me. Me, me.

Yeah. That's a fine way
to talk to your chief.

Well, if you'll excuse me, this
particular mountie has a date.

Wow.

Oh, Dudley, I wish we could
have stayed for the fireworks.

The fireworks are even more
beautiful from this vantage point.

Yes.

When I'm calling you

Dudley? Not now, okay?

Yes, Nell.

Let's just row.

Of course, Nell.

Narrator: Meanwhile,
that very same night,

the poorest man in semi-happy
valley was about to strike it rich.

Hello! Enjoying
your evening thus far?

Thought I'd just drop in.
Found some gold, have we?

No, no. There's no gold
anywhere around here.

Oh, but there is, lots of
it, all over the place.

And you, you horrid
example of a human being

have made the initial discovery.

You're famous. You will
be on network television.

Network television? No way!

Now, stand up, hold the
pan out and smile.

Can I borrow your comb?

Shut up and grin.

Welcome. Welcome to our show. Have a seat.
Hi. How are you?

They're calling this the biggest
gold strike in history.

Certainly it's the biggest
gold find of the century.

And the man who
made it all possible

is here for an exclusive
interview today.

Mr. Kim j. Darling.
Welcome, Kim!

What's happening, Regis?

I'll tell you what's
happening, my friend.

You're what's happening.

Headlines all over the world.

How's it feel to have made the
biggest gold find in a century?

Oh, I feel light-headed,
kathie Lee.

Well, your story certainly has
taken the whole world by storm.

But, reg, the sad part
is, at least for Kim,

is that he found all this
gold on land he doesn't own.

Audience: Aw.

I did? But the owner
is staking no claim.

He says whoever finds the
gold gets to keep it.

And that's why the big gold
rush is on for northern Canada.

Stay tuned.
Bette midler is next.

No! Yeah!

Meanwhile,
on the U.S.-Canadian border,

all is tranquil as usual.

You want some of me?

You want some of
Dwayne cuffman? Huh?

Come on, you son of a...

Ooh! Ah!

Passports! Hey, stop!

Trouble along the Canadian-U.S.
border continues to mount.

They seem to be
yuppie wetbacks, mostly.

But a lot of them are dentists.

And this just in.
Scientists discover that

Canadian bacon is
actually ordinary ham.

What could be better than a plan
working exactly as you planned it?

Nothing! That's what's better.

Drop it, whiplash!

It's about time you showed up.

About time?
We're here to kill you.

That won't be necessary.

Gentlemen, forgive my manners.

Please, take a seat.

You weren't in the Sudan.

You don't say. Where
are all the other men?

Where are they? They're
all over the place.

Heathrow, the Rome
airport, Mozambique.

We all ran out of money.

This could be the right-sized
group I've been looking for.

What are you talking about?
We're gonna kill you!

You're not going to kill me.
You're going to work for me.

What? Snidely: Yeah.

I need you boys
to help me run the town.

Everyone's gone, including the
man who ran the slaw-dogs stand.

Therefore, boys,

I'm gonna need your help
to run whiplash city.

Lefty, didn't you
once attend school?

Well, I... yeah.

Good! Well, now, you're the new
superintendent for schools.

Thanks, whip. This is a
dream come true for me.

Homer, didn't you once
work at McDonald's?

Well, yeah, whip, but I'm
your number two guy.

I'm part of the brain trust.

Absolutely!

Now you can manage the snidely
whiplash slaw-dogs stand.

Oh, man. I'm gettin' screwed.

And we're going to need doctors.

Which one of you
is dumb enough to think

you can perform brain surgery?

Congratulations. You're the
town's new brain surgeon.

Yes!

Yes, indeed.

Well, it's pretty obvious we're going
to need a really good psychiatrist!

All: Me! Pick me!

Honey? Look, honey!

Narrator: Goodbye, Las Vegas.
Hello, whiplash city.

A place for parents to pan for gold,
and bond with their children.

Get a picture! A picture.
I don't wanna.

Carly, get a picture!

And a place to prove
that white men can dance.

California,
Georgia, Puerto Rico.

But where are the Canadians?

Canadians like to think things
over before they do something.

Americans just jump.

And thank goodness they do.

Did you like the way
I pronounced Puerto Rico?

Yeah.

I speak a little Spanish.

You're the complete
package, whip.

Narrator: Yes, snidely had taken
over Dudley do-right's town.

But little did he know

that Dudley was hard at
work devising a plan to...

That Dudley was hard at work...

Okay, I'm lying. He was fast
asleep, dreaming about horse.

Horse!

Horsel horse!

Horse, it's so good
to see you again.

Nell's here, and you're here.

And if only I knew what that
snidely whiplash was up to.

You mean, there never
were any vampires?

Wake up, will ya? No! What else?
That dirty rat!

Whoa!

Hey, yo, whipster!
We're makin' a fortune!

Come on. Sol see. So I see.

It's the same with the gift
shop and the gas station.

And the funeral home
should be showing a profit

if I've got anything
to do with it. Huh?

Mr. whip? Hmm?

I was thinking, with us
gettin' rich and all,

that maybe we should
start playin' golf?

My word. You're a genius.

Narrator: The par 72 golf course
was soon snidely's pride and joy.

And thanks to the complimentary golf
balls he gave to all his guests,

he never lost a game.

Ever.

Bad luck!

You must have looked up.

Dudley: Stop
right there, whiplash!

Do-right, you made me
hit the windmill!

No one talks when I shoot!

You're the man, whip!

There's something going on in semi-happy
valley that I don't approve of.

It's called whiplash
city now, mountie-boy.

Ooh.

You remember Nell fenwick.

Nell!

Narrator: Remember her? He'd been
in love with her since he was six.

Hello, snidely.

We've known each other too
long to be that formal.

Nell, will you stop that!

Zowiel

cool hat.

We try.

So, what do you want,
totem breath?

"Totem breath"?

Well, it's the best
I could come up with.

It's hard to kiss and
think at the same time.

Neither of which activity you've
had much experience with.

What I want, is for you to know

that I don't know for
sure what you're up to,

but you're for sure
up to something.

Well put.

And I sure intend to find
out what that something is.

Do-right, you'd need a psychic
to find out what I'm up to.

I don't think so.

Well, I think that's
a gimme, eh, boys?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Let's play the next hole.
Come join us, Nell.

Nell?

Oh, it's just snidely,
for Pete's sake.

Narrator: Though snidely
was the bad guy,

he did have a certain something.

First you ran everyone out of town.
Uh-huh.

Then you took over the town, and then...
Yes, what else?

Oh, gosh.
I knew it this morning.

Oh, come on, Einstein.
You can do it.

Then you salted the streams
and mines with gold

in order to create
a false gold rush.

And because you own the
town and everything in it,

you stand to make
a great fortune!

Hop up, sweetcakes.
Carry on, boys.

Dudley, keep your voice down.

This is an exclusive club.

I don't care. Would you
like to play with us?

I'll give you a stroke a hole.

Not a chance! Oh, come on.

Hello.

Yes, carry on. Carry on.

Very good there.
Lovely to see you.

Yes, lovely ball.
Thank you very much.

Well, my dear friend
and worthy foe,

once again I've foolishly
underestimated you.

That's right! Then I'm right?

No, you're way off! But what if a
rumor like that spread around?

It could destroy a community
like semi-happy valley,

or whatever you want to call it.

You wouldn't want that,
would you?

We have to tell
the truth, snidely.

Yes, of course.

But before we do anything rash,

let's sit down and
discuss it like adults.

When?

Tonight, 9:00 P.M. sharp?

Where? Your place.

What's the dress?

Casual.

That really doesn't leave
me much time to get ready.

You could microwave some of
those little hot dog thingies.

All right.

Narrator: Snidely didn't
keep his date with Dudley.

But homer did,

and he was thoughtful enough
to bring along a six-pack

of dynamite.

Homer! Hmm...

You look somehow,
I don't know, younger.

How did it go?

Everything's taken care of.

Your boy is in do-gooder heaven.

I couldn't even find his body.

Excellent!

Well, get out of
that garish outfit

and find yourself a black suit.

You are our new
funeral home director.

Shane!

Yes, Mr. whiplash?

Drinks on the house. Yes, sir.

No, wait a second.

Drinks are 50% off. Right.

No, wait a second. Double
the price of everything!

Yes, sir.

Narrator: While snidely
celebrated Dudley's demise,

Dudley was actually in Ottawa,

telling the authorities
about snidely's evil scheme.

What Dudley didn't know was that
snidely had friends in high places...

What're you lookin' at?
As well as low.

Well, that is an amazing story
you tell, officer do-right.

Thank you. I also know a story
about a hermit who kept...

But let's say you're wrong. Hmm?

I mean, wouldn't
a rumor like that

destroy the suddenly burgeoning
economy of your little town?

That's what snidely whiplash said, but
he didn't use the word "burgeoning."

Well, this Mr. whiplash
sounds like a very

community-minded fellow to me.

Oh, come on, wake up.
He's the bad guy.

Just look at the way
he dresses! Duh.

Ah, but is he really?

I mean, here we have
millions of American dollars

pouring into an otherwise
impoverished section of Canada.

I mean, strike me several times
with a blunt instrument,

but, that's not good?

But it's wrong! And as you
can tell from my name...

But isn't it sometimes difficult

to discern the line between
right and wrong? Hmm?

Uh...

Not for him. He's a mountie.

For these guys, things are
either right or they are wrong.

Boom, boom, cut and dried.

Discern that, why don't you?

Hmm.

Gold! I found gold!

Man: He found gold!

Right!

We'll build the
hotel on this side,

and we'll put the
condominiums on that side

so people can walk
right up to the river.

I love it, whip.

Yes, I thought you might.

I bet everyone loves it.

Yeah, well, I don't.

It does have some problems.

It's not perfect.

Oh, but it is perfect.

You know, boys, you're the
best gang I've ever had.

Thanks, whip.

Particularly you, uh...

Homer. Homer.

Oh, gosh, I...

Dudley: Morning, boys!

"Do-gooder heaven," eh?

Back to the slaw-dogs
stand with you!

I know. I know.

Hello?

Nell?

Dudley?

Nell, have you seen
my office lately?

Well, not lately, Dudley.

Why? Have you done
something with it?

Well, no, but someone has.

Dudley, father's come back.

I'm afraid he's got
some bad news.

Where are you?

Oh, Dudley, you know how
bad I am with directions.

Are you in a car?

Yes, but it stopped.

Nell? Uh, Nell?

Nell, I think I'm gonna have
to call you back, Nell.

We've got a bad connection.

Inspector!

At ease, do-right.

Why, it does this old heart of
mine good to see you again, sir.

You're my hero, sir.
You're my role model!

Dudley, you're finished
as a mountie.

Get your horse
and clear out of here.

Horse ran away.

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm so sorry
to hear that. Nell?

Oh, I can't watch.
I just can't watch.

Uh, your father's joshing me about
being drummed out of the service.

It's... it's very funny.

I'm not joshing you
even the tiniest bit.

The highest level
of the Canadian government

has called me out of retirement
to replace you here.

Oh, I know what this is about.

I was supposed to have a
meeting with snidely whiplash,

but I completely
forgot about it.

And then I went
to Ottawa instead.

And then Ottawa called on me.

Now, give me your uniform
and your sidearm, and leave.

My uniform, sir?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dudley.

This is a very sad moment.

Uh, yes, inspector,
it certainly is.

Narrator:
He had lost his uniform.

He had lost his horse.

Dudley's dreams were shattered.

Hello. Remember me?

I was on Regis and kathie Lee.

Yeah, I was, honestly. Last week.
Only last week.

It was very good. I was
on Regis and kathie Lee.

Hello. I know
Bette midler personally.

Hi! It's me! I was on Regis
and kathie Lee last week.

Hey!

I know you.

You're Dudley do-right of the
royal Canadian mounted police.

I never forget a face, although
a name sometimes escapes me.

Sir, I lost my job today,
my horse ran away...

And I'd really like to be alone
right now, if you don't mind.

No chance, pal. I am
your new best friend.

I don't have any friends.

Hey, you got me, pal.

I don't even have a home.

Ohl

wait till you see my place!

Narrator: Meanwhile, whiplash
had begun his evil campaign

to win the affections of the fair Nell
fenwick and to impress her father.

Let us hope they can see right
through this scheming cad!

Sorry.

May I recommend the
salt COD bouillabaisse,

followed by the buckwheat crepes
with tangerine reduction.

Um, okay. Father?

Sounds delectable. But for
me, hold the fennel seed.

Very wise choice, inspector.
Very wise.

Oh, thank you.

You drank too much last night.

Did 1? I feel pretty good. Yeah.

You know,

the line between right and wrong

is oftentimes
difficult to discern.

Yeah. I was just
thinking that myself.

Snidely whiplash has brought
prosperity to semi-happy valley.

He's turned this
nowhere town around.

Of course, he ran off
all the old residents.

Yeah, well,
it's all about greed.

You're right! That's it!

It is greed! That's all it is.
It's just greed!

Dudley... -.

Please don't make any sudden moves
around me this morning, all right?

Here's what I don't understand.

What happens when
all the gold runs out?

Uh, why, it's never
gonna run out.

It's not?

No, no, no.
Whiplash is too smart.

Narrator: Snidely was smart enough
to keep the gold coming in,

so the profits
would keep coming in.

Smart enough to own
his own helicopter,

smart enough to have won over

every government authority
within 2,000 miles.

But was he smart enough
to outwit a pathetic bum

and the only man to be thrown out
of the mounties in 100 years?

We'll have to see about that.

Dudley: I don't see anything.

A-ha!

See? That's where they
melt down the gold,

so they can salt it at night.

Dudley: Whiplash.

Would you look how popular snidely is?
That's not right.

Kim: Oh, people always
suck up to the guy in charge.

You know that. It's like life.

I say we go down there
and arrest them all.

Oh, I don't think so. Why not?

I'll give you three
good reasons.

I'd like to start with the second
one first, if that's okay with you.

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

Two, we go down there,
they'll kill us.

One, you're not
a mountie anymore.

And three, they're not
doing anything illegal.

But we've gotta do something!

No!

You gotta do something.

I just wanted to show
you what was going on.

What's my next move?

Well, you could,
uh, steal the gold,

before they can salt it, and
that way, end of gold rush.

What? Me, steal?
Me, break the law?

Sadly, yeah.

But then I'd be Dudley do-wrong.

Do-wrong's nice. I like that.

It's kind of, uh... it's
kind of French, you know?

Dudley do-wrong.

I'm so confused.

It's not
that complicated, Dudley.

The bad guy, snidely whiplash,

is apparently doing good.

Ergo, putting you, the good guy,

in the position of having
to be the bad guy.

Well, not exactly the bad guy.

Let's say the badder guy.

But let me remind you, that
just as a bad guy doing good

does not necessarily
make him the good guy,

so a good guy doing bad does not,
ipso facto, make him a bad guy.

This can't be happening.
He can't be the good guy.

But he is.

The good citizens
of whiplash city

are throwing a gala ball
in his honor tonight.

For snidely?

Band: He likes bread and butter

he likes toast and jam

that's what his baby feeds him

he's her lovin' man

I don't believe it.
They love him!

You better believe it.

He is the good guy!

Yeah, not to mention
the fact that he's got Nell.

No. Maybe it's just
someone who looks like her.

Nah, that's Nell.

It is Nell!

I can't believe
that this is happening to me!

Sorry. It's okay.

I better go do
something about this.

No, wait! You're not ready.
You're not trained.

Sometimes it's one with big
blue eyes cute as a bunny

with hair down to here

and plenty of money

and just when you think
she's that one in the world

your heart gets stolen
by some mousy little girl

then you know you better
make up your mind

and pick up on one
ahd leave the other behind

it's not often easy
and not often kind

did you ever have
to make up your mind?

Sometimes you really dig a
girl the moment you kiss her

then you get distracted
by her older sister

when in walks her father
and takes you in line

you better go home, son
and make up your mind

then you bet you
better finally decide

to say yes to one
and let the other one ride

there's so many changes
and tears you must hide

did you ever have
to finally decide?

Well done!

Oh, this is gonna
take a lot of work.

Narrator: And who better fo do that
work than Kim darling himself?

A grown man with an extensive
pokémon collection.

My son,

the hero defeats danger, because
he is dangerous himself.

You are dangerous.

Know it. Say it.

You are dangerous.

No. Say, "I am dangerous."

I did.

No, say, "I am dangerous."

You are dangerous.

No, no, no. You say,
"I am dangerous."

But you said... oh, never mind.

The hero must face three trials.

Trust, daring, instinct.

For the sake of consistency,
we'll start with number two.

Daring!

Okay, now. I am your adversary.

I am evil.

Evil! Evil!

You're evil.

Yes. And now I'm going to
draw this line in the sand.

Now, do not dare
cross that line,

otherwise, evil will
rain down upon you.

Evil!

No, now, look, Dudley, you...

You're supposed to take
me up on my challenge

by showing me
how daring you are.

Let's try it
once again, shall we?

I am evil! Now, do not
dare cross that line!

I am evil! Evil!

Well, what? You said I'm not
supposed to cross the line!

But you're supposed
to cross the line!

Now, let's try it again.

Okay, now. Do not dare
cross the line of death.

I am evil! I am evil!

What'd you do that for?

'Cause I'm evil.
I can't help it. Sorry.

Eight, nine, ten.

Trust.

The hero trusts.

Now, I will throw
some stones at you,

missing intentionally,
of course,

and you will not flinch as
they whiz past your head,

because you trust me.

I trust you, master. Good!

Sorry, but that was very good.
You trusted me, okay?

Perfect! You didn't
flinch at all.

Just one more, okay?

Excellent! Absolutely!
Trust is your middle name.

A little less moaning
would be good.

The final test. Instinct.

You will fight me without
benefit of eyesight.

You will block my every blow,

because you can see
without your eyes,

you can hear without your ears,

you can speak
without your tongue.

Yes, master.

I said without your tongue.

Now, your sword is your stick.

The stick is your defense.

Prepare to defeat me.
Are you ready?

Very good, indeed,
the hopping foot defense.

Very good! The other
foot hopping defense.

Wonderful! You're at
one with the universe.

And now, concentrate.

Prepare to receive
my final assault.

Wonderful.
The playing-dead defense.

Master... good choice
under the circumstances.

You'll be all right, my son,

providing they don't
attack you with sticks.

Narrator: With his master's
lesson ringing in his ears,

Dudley set off
in search of justice...

You are ready, my son.

And extra-strength Tylenol.

You're ready because you've taken
everything I can throw at you

and still you stand
tall and true.

You are ready to face danger,

because you are danger.

Now, get out there
and do something dangerous.

No! Please don't!

Dudley: Then tell me when the
next gold delivery arrives.

I don't know.

Well, then I'm afraid we're gonna
find out which is your better side.

You're a mountie.

Not anymore.

The gold's coming... the gold's
coming at noon on Thursday.

Noon Thursday. Thank you.

Now, if I can just figure
out how to stop this thing.

What?

Whoa! That's not it.

Ooh! Ouch!

Just papier-mache. Completely
recyclable material.

What kind of man
are you anyway, do-right?

A dangerous one.

Man: He's got the gold!

After him, boys!

Narrator: He may have
been outnumbered,

but Dudley knew these woods
like the back of his horse.

Whoo-hoo!

Do you have any idea what
this could possibly mean?

Doris day.

Just a guess.

Dom delluise.

Homer: Daniel day-Lewis.

Snoop doggy dogg.

Man: Daphne du maurier.

Oh, shut up.

Doc duvalier.

Lefty: David duchovny?
Man: Delores del rio.

Shut up, you idiots!

Dan rather.

Dudley do-right.

You think do-right has got the
guts for something like this?

Of course I do.

Wow!

You realize what
this means, don't you?

He's becoming the bad guy.

Where does that leave me?

I used to be the bad guy.

If he's capable of doing this,

who knows what other really fun,
bad-guy stuff he's been doing.

Narrator:
What other stuff, indeed?

"David duchovny."

For snidely was about to discover
a crime so low, so hideous,

it had to involve toilet paper.

Oh, man.

What a bleak and rimy day.

Something like this just makes
you sick to your stomach.

Snidely: Don't touch me!

Where are you going?

Oh, well, my work
is done here now, Dudley.

So it's time for me
to rejoin my family.

You have a family?

Yeah, well,
it's a long story, but...

Basically, I was...
I was lost like you.

I wasn't a hero to
anyone, not even myself.

No one ever really
believed in me...

But I feel you're my friend now,
and that you believe in me.

And that gives me the strength
to rejoin my loved ones.

If I can find them.

I'm a new man, Dudley,
thanks to you.

What about the chain saw?

Oh! Uh... parting gift.

Family tradition. Don't ask.

Aw. Thank you.

Use it in peace, not war.

You can count on me.

My son.

My master.

Ah!

Oh, that's lovely, whip.

The play of light,
the chiaroscuro shading...

Shut up, homer.

You got it, whip.

What was that?

Do-right!

Well, snidely.

Posing as an artist to gain
young Nell's favor, eh?

Stop the music!

He's quite talented, Dudley.

It's paint-by-numbers.

I can't tell you how hard it is to keep
the paint inside those teeny lines.

Wait a minute. You're wearing black.
That's my color.

I'm the bad guy.

But you're not
wearing black, snidely.

That's dark blue. It is not.

It is so. It's Navy.
See for yourself.

Homer!

Yes, whip?

What am I doing wearing blue?

Well, whip, the black
one's at the cleaners

and I just wanna say you look
good in blue, you really do.

"I just want to
say, I just want to say."

Nell, you'll always think of me
as wearing black, won't you?

Oh, I don't know, snidely.

You know, I don't think this portrait truly
captures Nell's preternatural beauty.

Oh, yes. Like you could
do better, mountie-boy?

Is that a challenge?

Absolutely.

Ohl

Oh, Dudley. It's lovely.

Shall we, Nell?

Ohl

You look really good
in green, whip.

He's a cunning adversary, homer,

but not cunning enough to
outwit snidely k. Whiplash.

You are my role model, whip.

So, Dudley wants
to be the bad guy.

We'll see if the shoe fits.

What shoe, whip?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

We've all done our best
to make whiplash city

a place of peace and prosperity.

Man: Yes!

A place where we could all
make lots and lots of money,

without doing anything at all.

That's how life should be.

But there's a man
trying to ruin all that.

This is the man.

Man: Hey, that's Dudley!
Woman: He's the good guy!

This man is dangerous and evil.

Man 1: He's not evil!

Man 2: You're wrong, whiplash!

We must find him at once.

Gold miners
of whiplash city unite.

Dudley do-right must be
found and done away with.

All: Nol

he must be killed, you hear me?

All: No! No! No!

Narrator: Yes, the tide had
turned against snidely.

The townspeople had grown
tired of whiplash city.

They wanted their town back
just the way it used to be.

So while snidely was growing
weaker by the minute,

Dudley was growing stronger.

Yo, Mr. do-right. Five minutes.

Thank you.

Bravo!

Narrator: Though Nell had witnessed
many examples of our hero's daring-do,

it took a dance number to
convince her that Dudley...

Nell: Dudley? ...Was studly.

Dudley?

When I'm calling you

Dudley: When I'm calling you

Dudley?

Will you answer too?

Dudley.

Nell.

I love you now,
and I always have.

You really do, Nell?

All: Aw!

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at snidely's
secret hideout and day spa...

We have to find out where that
sniveling do-right is hiding.

I've got the men out combing
the countryside, whip.

Do you?

I'll get it.

Here.

Yeah, give it to me.

Hello.

What?

We found him.

This calls for a celebration.
Waiter!

Two mudslingers, please.

Narrator: Snidely and his henchmen
immediately launched an all-out assault

on the kumquat nation.

It's whiplash.

They just want me, chief.

I'll go quietly.
This isn't your fight.

I'm backing you 110%,
and I mean that. So far.

You got weapons?

Weapons? Come on.

This is basically a dinner
theater we're runnin' here.

You got fireworks?

That we got.

Firel

They're just fireworks,
you sissies!

Be men!

That's the last of the fireworks.
Now what?

We'll take to the forest
and throw rocks at them.

Dudley: Rocks?

What else can we do?

The press here?

Yes, sir. They're up there
on the perimeter, sir.

Let's do it.

General whiplash,
the village is ours.

Torch it, Shane.
Burn everything.

Yes, sir.

No, wait a minute.

That's bad publicity.

Have the photographers take pictures of
the boys straightening up the place.

You got it.

Learn from history or repeat it.

Come on, chief.

I gotta stop.

You can make it.
You're a young man.

Don't let this face-lift fool you.
I'm 62.

On second thought.

Ouch! Okay, hold it.
Hold it right there.

Hold your fire. Hold your fire.
Hold your fire!

Somebody hit me with a rock.

It was one of them
Indian dancers.

Right. That's it.
Now I'm heated.

Narrator: Not since their
all-male revival of little women

had the kumquats faced
such a hostile reception.

But the kumquats never
walked away from a fight.

They preferred to run.

Know what we need, chief?

Two weeks in Maui.

No. Bigger rocks.

That's not fair!
They've got rocks!

All we've got
are these machine guns.

Mother of Pearl,
here comes another one.

Let 'em have another one.

The next size down is this one.
We're out of the big stuff.

We're screwed.

No, we're not. Look!

It's my horse, horse.

Just like in my dream.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We're saved because that
flea-bitten nag showed up?

He's trying to tell
us to follow him.

You know, Dudley, I think he's
just got a fly up his nose.

Come on, everybody!

We've got them on the run now.

They'll never make it
across the valley floor.

Homer! Yes, sir!

Time to bring up
the heavy equipment.

Yes, sir.

Move out!

Move, move, move, move!

Chief: I'm sorry. I gotta stop.

Come on, chief.

No. That's it. I'm finished.

I thought native north
Americans could run all day.

Oh, yeah, like
we're really Indians.

We're not leaving without you.

No, you guys go without me. Go!

You stood by me.
I'm gonna stand by you.

Oh, Dudley, I'm making
you an honorary kumquat.

That means a great
deal to me, chief.

Forget about it.

He's a dead honorary kumquat.

Snidely: Roger.

Tango, delta, foxtrot.

Shall we dance?

You gotta admit.
He comes prepared.

I think it's time to surrender.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Horse: Tanks.

He's got another
bug up his nose.

No.

He's telling me he wants
me to attack the tanks.

Is that good, taking
advice from a horse?

Yes, it is.

You know they got a brain
about the size of a pea.

That's nuts.
Not to mention stupid.

I think it's wonderful.

Don't worry.
I'll save you, Nell.

Dudley.

Homer, let him have it.

Come to daddy.

That's it. End of game.

Curses! Where did
they come from?

Come back here, you cowards!

General!

Ohl

Good horse, horse.

Snidely: You know, homer,

this is the part of the job
I hate the most, the ending.

Up until then, being the bad guy
is the best job in the world.

Ah. Hello, Dudley.

Hello, whip.

I've lost everything.

Even the announcer's gone.

Narrator: No, I'm still here.

Someone's got to explain
where the cavalry came from.

Yes.

I was a mite curious
about that myself.

Dudley!

Kim!

Narrator: Yes, the prospector
had found his long lost family.

The search was
greatly simplified

when Kim spotted
his wife on television,

as she was being sworn in
as prime minister of Canada.

It was she who called
out the cavalry.

That was lucky, wasn't it?

Boy, I'll say.

Narrator: And that's because good
things happen to good people

and bad things happen
to bad people.

What's the problem, officer?

I was only going
25 miles an hour.

Well, that's the last we'll see
of them for a long, long time.

Don't count on it, bugle boy.

No jail can hold
snidely k. Whiplash.

Oh, shut up, homer.

Sure thing, whip.

Do-right, would you
allow me the honor

of presenting you
with your old uniform

and the thanks
of a grateful nation?

Thank you, inspector.

All: Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!
Hip, hip, hooray!

Narrator: Yes, Dudley now has
everything a mountie could ever want.

His fort, his girl and a swell
collection of foofy pillows.

Nell.

Ohl

Dudley!

Whoo! Ooh!

Nell! Dudley!

On.