All language subtitles for Celebrity.MasterChef.S01E04.A.Recipe.For.Success.540p.WEB.h264-TVC_track3_eng

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15 years, two judges -
you and me, Gregg -

over 300 celebrities and literally
thousands of plates of food.

Some of them have been great.

I love it. Yes!

Some of them, not so great.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

We've trawled our vaults to bring
some of our favourite moments

from the past Bosh!

And picked some of
our most memorable challenges

to share with everybody in full.

It's all here.

The kitchen meltdowns... Ah!

..the chaos... Oh!

Oh! Ah!

Come on! Stop it, I'm trying
to get it right!

..the singing, the dancing...

# Wait a minute, Mr Postman...#

..and, of course,
the food disasters...

..and the triumphs.

Delicious Ah, really? Ah!

Sharpen the knives,
light the stoves.

It's 15 years
of Celebrity MasterChef.

Come on! Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring.

Cooking doesn't get funnier
than this.

In tonight's show...

If they don't come back,
bury me in Utah.

..we look back at one
of the toughest challenges

our celebrities have to face...

Sorry if it's cold.

..cooking for the critics.

Apologies.

Your starter is going to be
one minute late.

We're withering away here.

From the refined palates
of the Women's Institute...

I don't like the texture.

It's a bit like frog spawn,
I'm afraid.

..to the wisdom
of previous finalists...

It's not moving at all.

..and the downright lethal remarks
of the restaurant critics.

This sauce. I've got a fence
that needs creosoting.

The whole plate looks like it
should go straight

into the dishwasher.

And we revisit a classic
MasterChef semifinal...

This is a meltdown.

It's raining.

..where some retirees
didn't hold back.

It didn't taste of anything.

We've just demolished the lot,
as you can see.

If you are
a well-known celebrity,

you're used to plenty of criticism
in your professional life.

And it's no different if you want
to succeed in the food world,

which is why,
on Celebrity MasterChef,

we regularly also

ask our celebs to cook for
knowledgeable outside guests.

I don't want to go in!

It's no easy task.

And as I've always said, cooking
for guest judges is the toughest

round of the competition.

Today, you're not just cooking
for John and I.

We have three previous
MasterChef finalists,

including two winners.

Your two courses,
one hour and 15 minutes.

Let's cook.

Good luck, boys and girls.

When they start cooking,
they really need to get themselves

organised and hit the ground running
because, in this challenge

more than any other,
time just flies.

They're under pressure.

And they've got to do
eight plates of food.

Four plates of first course,
four plates the second course

in an hour and 15 minutes.

I'm just really behind.

It's quite frightening.

Quick, quick, quick.

You've got 12 minutes now
to get your pudding out.

Right, that's not great.

I don't know what time
I put the chops in.

Oh, come on, work!

Timing and coordination
of all parts of a dish

is one of the key skills you have
to master to become a great cook.

Your time's up.

No, no, they're still wet.

Only a tiny bit, though,
like this close!

Once you let old Father Time get
away on you, it can all implode.

That's raw.

That's raw.

Mate, you are officially now
out of time.

Bosh! Can't have it.

To be honest, ask anyone who's
taken part in the competition

and most will tell you
it's a real struggle, this round.

But one that has really stuck
in my memory was multi-millionaire

businesswoman Michelle Mone,
back in 2011.

Now, she was cooking for
cookery judges from the WI.

You really had to mind your manners
and your Ps and Qs

with those guests.

Those ladies were formidable.

I don't like the texture.

It's a bit like frog spawn,
I'm afraid.

Early on, Michelle was in trouble
with the main course.

What are you going to do?
What do you mean?

You've got 15 minutes,
your parsnips aren't done.

Your sauce hasn't been started and
you haven't started your fondant.

Oh, man, why is it all going
so wrong?

Let's be fair, though, Gregg,

it's an ambitious main to do
in just an hour.

Rack of lamb, parsnips,
potato fondant, spinach, sauce,

followed by chocolate fondant,

all in an hour and 15 minutes.

I LOVE parsnips. I do, yes. They're
one of my favourite vegetables,

so I'll have them for anything.

So, wait and see! Yeah.

The only thing I've not got
is my parsnips, and I'm raging,

raging. I practised them
till four o'clock this morning.

You've got about four minutes.

Do you think you'll be on time?

Er, yeah.

And what are you going to do
about your chocolate fondant?

I don't know.

They should actually be out now.

OK.

I've lost it.

In her panic to deliver,
Michelle made a crucial mistake,

adding the cherries she was
going to use in her dessert,

instead of cranberries.

Yeah? Done? Is that it?

Good. Well done, you.

Don't run.
Don't run with hot plates.

Knock them dead.Straight back here
to get your fondant done, yeah?

We have still got fondant
in its little containers.

That's the pudding, right?

That's the pudding.

There.

MICHELLE GASPS

Smile! Hello there.

Thank you. OK.

I can't see any parsnips, can you?

No, and that's what we were
all really looking forward to,

unless they're hiding
under a cutlet.

I don't think that these
are cranberries.

I think that these are
probably cherries.

Oh, dear. Getting the main out
was a titanic struggle,

but the writing was on the wall
for the dessert,

which she hadn't even started.

Michelle doesn't have a hope
of getting out her dessert on time.

Your dessert is supposed to be on
that table in seven minutes.

Oh, I'm not going to do it.

It's all about timing.

Chocolate fondants,

they have to be timed to perfection.

If you don't have that wonderful,
unctuous, gooey centre,

it's just a sponge.

Michelle? Yeah?You're five minutes
late on your desserts.

They're not in the oven yet.

By the time you get them in,
and then cooked,

you're going to be
at least 20 minutes late.

So the least you can do, I think,
is to go out and tell the ladies

you're going to be
20 minutes late OK.

This has to have been the latest
anybody has ever run

on Celebrity MasterChef.

I'm so sorry, erm,

I'm going to be 20 minutes late.

20? I'm sorry. 20, yeah.

That's quite a lot of time
to be late.

It's a lot of time. I'm sorry.

Can I just, can I just ask you,

these are cranberries?

Cranberries? No, they're,
they are my...

They're my cherries for... OK.

Do you know what? They're
my cherries, for my dessert.

OK. I'm sorry!

OK. You know what?

Take a deep breath...

OK.

..and if you were at home,
you'd be pouring us champagne

and we wouldn't notice a thing.

Really?

THEY CHUCKLE

You just feel for her.

I just want to go and cuddle her!

I'm just so passionate
about getting it right

and I'm so angry with myself.

I can't believe I'm crying.
How pathetic. Over food?

I don't even cry
in the hardest board meetings.

This is pathetic.

It's taken over my life.

I need to do my dessert.

OK.

Michelle was a tough cookie.

She set herself high standards
and really pushed herself.

Michelle, look... Yep?

You've gone 25 minutes over, I kind
of need to know how long you reckon

you're going to be. Oh,
I'm not going to be long, honestly.

Yeah, but what's that mean?
What's that mean? How long?

Erm, like, five minutes?

So you'll end up being
half an hour late? I'm sorry.

All right.

All right. Happy?

Chocolate fondant.

Thank you. And there you go, sorry.

This is the one I've been
really looking forward to,

and actually it looks
quite interesting.

That looks really good.
That's beautiful. Yeah.

Yes, we did have to wait,

but I think she's nailed it.

You've got to feel for her.

Even the WI wanted to
give her a hug.

Thank goodness the fondant
was a success.

I mean, that's it, isn't it?

It just proves that you've
just got to keep on going.

Don't stop. Never give up.

Running behind time is the biggest
problem most celebs face

in this test,

but another reason they can trip up
is over or under ambition.

It's a fine balance -
not too ambitious

so you can't achieve it

and not too simple.

You've got to show flair.

The only technical ability in this
plate is he's peeled some mushrooms.

That is something that I would do
with the kids on a Saturday morning.

Former Coronation Street
actor Margi Clark

also seriously underwhelmed.

Is that it?That's it.

I thought she was going to do
something to it.So did I.

At the end of the day,
it is a very, very simple dish.

It is just whipped cream with a few
drops of raspberries on the top.

You know, it's that word
that we try and avoid.

It's nice.

But the opposite
can also trip you up.

HE SIGHS

That's really annoying.

The fish is stuck to the bottom.

Argh!

Over the years, we've seen
more celebrities trip up

trying to do too much.

I knew I was up against it
when I chose this recipe. Why?!

I can do this, I can do this,
I can do this.

Just breathe.
Just count to 20, you'll be fine.

In an effort to impress,

some celebs go just a little bit
over the top

and get a little bit TOO creative.

Remember actor Nick Moran, of Lock,
Stock and Two Smoking Barrels fame?

Now, Nick came on the show
and immediately showcased

his creative side.

His first dish was a Wellington,

a Wellington Boot.

I've come up with a new spin
on an old chestnut.

It's a beef Wellington and I've got
really unique seasoned mashed potato

in the toecap.

A beef Wellington in the shape
of a boot. Brilliant!

So that's the beef bit.

And the mash is...purple? Yep.

I mean, that's slightly odd.
That is adventurous.

But it was when he was cooking
for our guest judges

that he really went to town,

if you can go any further to town.

So, Nick, his starter is
going to be cockle popcorn

on a bed of seaweed.

I suppose it's sort of going
to be maybe battered cockle?

I like the sound of this.

It's not every day
you serve people seaweed.

Nice to see,
something a bit different.

It's stuff that I, to be honest,
don't normally serve.

"Let's pop round Nick's for some
unedible sea vegetations,"

you know what I mean? So this is all
a little bit new and experimental.

It's no good experimenting and
trying to impress the critics.

It's the MasterChef kitchen,
not the MasterChef laboratory.

I decided to try and present you
with something that you probably

haven't ever eaten before
and you may well never eat again.

Wow! You can smell those cockles.

It smells like I'm by the seaside.

Oh, my gosh.

I wish I'd never eaten that.

I'm a great fan of beaches.

I never imagined I'd eat seaweed.

But if I did imagine
I'd eat seaweed,

it would taste exactly like this.

Slimy, quite difficult to chew,

and probably not salty enough.

I feel like I've fallen off
my surfboard

and got a mouthful of sea.

That's horrible.

But that was nothing

compared to what he planned
to serve for the main course.

The second course is Squid'otto
With Samphire And Monk's Beard.

Hmm? I know what samphire is.

Squid'otto?

John, the mess! And the way
he was stuffing that risotto

into the squid, I'd never seen
anything quite like it.

You like a bit of mess
when you cook, do you, or...?

Er, I try to avoid it,
but I'm afraid it's in my nature,

and I really, really don't enjoy it.

You've got about a minute
and a half, mate.

Ever creative, with minutes to go,
he added even MORE to the dish.

How long are they going to take,
Nick, you reckon? About 30 seconds?

Good. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Nick! Crikey!

What have you, what have you done?

Have you had an explosion?

So this is Squid'otto,

and just because I had
an extra 90 seconds,

I've made you all an arancini, as a
thank you for trying the seaweed.

Ah, bless you!

I think that the arancini is lovely.

I'm not a massive fan
of the squid.

The rice, it's criminally
under-seasoned.

But the other thing is
the squid is undercooked.

I love the idea.

I just think maybe he hasn't
quite pulled it off.

It was Squid'otto,
that's what it's called,

and thankfully it was one that
I've never seen or heard of again.

Another time we were completely
taken by surprise

was when Jimmy Osmond, youngest
member of the '70s pop sensation

The Osmonds, went in a very unusual
direction with both his dishes.

Jimmy,
what are your two courses today?

I'm going to make a coconut,
encrusted with macadamia nut,

lemon sole, and it's rolled,

and inside it is peppers, coconut,

a little bit of onion,

and then on top of it,
I'm going to put an apricot glaze,

with a side of mango chutney.

Dessert is an acai bowl.

Now, this is going a bit
out on a limb, but again,

it's an acai fruit...

Hang on, you've described one of
the most unusual fish dishes to me,

and you're just about to tell me

that your dessert
is going out on a limb?

But you like different tastes
and different things... Sure, mate!

.. so I thought,
as long as it's within a theme,

I think it's kind of cool.

Those were some crazy combinations,
John, and the surprises kept coming.

Is that corn relish?
I love corn relish.

I do love it as well.

Ever had corn soup?Yes.
I LOVE corn soup.

I used to live over in Japan,
and that's a delicacy in Japan.

Why, why did you live in Japan?
I used to have a series there.

I was the first American
ever to record in Japanese.

You speak Japanese? It was a song
called Chitchana Koibito.

Give us a bit now, Jim.

IN JAPANESE:

OK. Wake me up, somebody.

You sure it's enough?Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's enough.

Hello, everybody! Hello! Hi!

How are you?

Very good. How are you?

Good, thank you.

Not only did his nut-crusted fish
pay off...

The coconut crust on the fish
is absolutely delicious.

I'm going to try and emulate that.

He didn't disappoint with his
unusual Japanese fruit bowl dessert.

Yeah! Now, that's a good one.

You guys should really get
into this business,

for goodness' sakes.Thanks, Jimmy.

I really appreciate it.

Then pollen.

It looks cool, it's like little
firecrackers in there, you know?

Jimmy, let's go... All right.

..before you add
something else to it.

Bye, Jimmy You're awesome.

So are you If I don't come back,
bury me in Utah.

Hello, friends. Hello! Hi!

I think it's as pretty as a picture.

Gorgeous.

I love everything about it.

It's sensational.

It's completely delicious.

Well done, Jimmy.
Best dish of the day, absolutely.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Creative dishes,
when they work, can pay off,

but challenging the guests' palate
isn't always the way to their heart.

Bad boy actor Keith Allen
decided to cook them breakfast.

You all right, Keith? No.

Oh, crikey. What's going wrong?

Everything.

But as you'd expect, it wasn't
your standard full English.

Liver Dance!

A kaleidoscope of colours there.

I'm afraid I don't like any of that.

My liver is verging on raw.

I can't eat that.

The raw spinach is confusion.

It makes, it's actually making me
nervous.

I think that dish made
ALL of us nervous.

Ooh, ooh!

That was disgusting!

I remember This Morning presenter
Alison Hammond in this round.

She made a fusion dish of ackee
and salt fish prawn cocktail

with bacon.

It's a bit of a weird combo.

I'm a bit speechless,

and that doesn't happen very often.

That's like a radioactive swamp
going on in there, look.

It's pretty off-putting, isn't it?

I've got to eat that.

But former Big Breakfast presenter
Donna Air

took perhaps the crown
for the curious combos

with her dessert from 2016.

I'm doing a Pink Pudding Surprise.

What's the surprise about it?

It's actually from beetroot.

Whoa.

We're looking forward to this,
cos we have no idea what it is yet.

Surprise! I know it's a surprise.
Wow!

I'm a little bit concerned
about the texture

cos I'm suddenly thinking it looks
a bit like a theatrical prop,

and I'm thinking,
is it going to come out?

It's not moving at all.
Look, I can turn it right!

So it's not... No,

it's not going nowhere!

Flavoured with strawberry
and beetroot.

I mean, talk about
peculiar pairings.

Are they still alive? Yes!

When things do go wrong,

some celebs simply
resort to humour.

Yay!

If all else fails, make them laugh.

Right here we have roasted starfish.

Oh! Sorry if it's cold.

You know what it's like?

Like actor Leila Morse,
AKA Mo from EastEnders.

Enjoy.

Well, I made them laugh,
if nothing else.

Nothing was disguising the fact
her liver was completely overcooked,

I'm afraid.

Sadly, this is why a lot of people
don't like liver.

But the laughs kept coming.

I love a crumble, me.

Well, I've never done one before,
so I'm hoping this is all right.

Oh, you're kidding? No, I'm not.

Was it cos, during the war,
they'd run out of apples and sugar?

Why are you asking me?
I was just born!

See what you have to put up with
on this Mastermind?

THEY ALL LAUGH

Cut! Cut!
Off you go with your crumble.

Thanks, Leila. Don't mess me about.
All right.

That end one's yours,
cos it's a bit burnt on the edges.

All right.

Here we go, seconds up.

Apple crumble and cream,
plain and simple.

Hope you like it. Thank you.

Well, I'm not sure things
have gone well for her.

That looks a bit burnt, doesn't it?
Mm.

All right, 15 minutes
till the brownie.

It's going to happen.
Good lad. Well done.

I think the champion of using
humour to triumph over tragedy

has to be
the Reverend Richard Coles,

Radio 4 presenter and former
member of the '80s pop band

The Communards.

His chocolate brownie
was severely undercooked.

But he styled it out
with the guest judges big time.

Gentlemen. Thank you very much.

You have a deconstructed brownie
with a creme Chantilly.

How does it deconstructed?
It looks like a...

A very careful, eh, use of
the temperature in the oven

to ensure...

..that you get a lovely molten...
Do you mean undercooked?

No! No, not undercooked at all.

That would be quite wrong.

It's given an opportunity
to deconstruct.

Bon appetit. Thank you. Thank you.

It's a triumph. I love...

..a brownie to be soft and kind
of slightly undercooked like that.

It's a bit salty,
and that whole salty/sweet thing,

which is amazing.

I think that by far is the best
dessert I've eaten today.

Crikey! It only worked,
and it wasn't cooked!

But everybody loved it.
Best dessert of the day, even!

Desserts and puds are one
of the most difficult parts

of any menu for the celebrities.

Oh, my gosh, this is a disaster!

Let's face it, most people just
don't spend as much time cooking

sweet dishes as they do savoury.

I'm doing a souffle,
which I never made before.

You are one very, very
courageous man, aren't you, Dillian?

Go big or go home.

They also require an exact touch.

And as we always say, being good in
the pastry section is more science

than it is art.

Oh! Oh! Hello! Oh, here we go.

If you can manage to pull off
a great end of the meal, you melt

even the most critical of hearts.

Mm!

Mm! It's velvety, isn't it?

It's divine.

Oh, that is a really good
sticky toffee pudding.

Did it work? We'll find out.

I tried my best.Well done!

Looks great!

Oh, yum.

What you have is a raspberry
and passion fruit souffle.

It's brilliant!

It's lovely and so light.

And that passion fruit -

so fragrant and delicious.

I feel so proud of him for taking

on the challenge of a souffle

and smashing it.

I think it's delicious.

I love it.

Impressing our past finalists
and winners is no mean feat...

..and the best of celebrities
advance from there

to the semifinals,

where we like to expose them
to a diverse range of critics.

Over the years, we've challenged
them to impress everyone,

from young schoolchildren...

It's really nice!
It looks good! It looks...

..to pearly kings and queens...

It was delicious. I didn't realise
how lovely it could be.

..to famous Olympians...

The beef looks a bit pink, don't it?

Could I please have that well-done?

..and life-saving heroes.

This is a chicken here!

I'm sorry! I made stuffing for you
all, and I forgot to serve it!

In 2011, we set our semifinalists
a very special challenge -

cooking for residents
of a retirement village.

Their job - to put their spin on
the retiree's favourite dessert

recipes, some of which they had been
cooking for over 50 years.

We have a test for you today
centred around sweetness

and pastry work,

a test right up my alley.

Trust me,
the critics here are harsh.

Good luck.

This really was a test of bridging
the generational divide,

as most of these recipes had been
learned in the tough times

of post-war Britain

when everything was made
from scratch.

Newsnight's Kirsty Wark was given
76-year-old Gillian Swift's

treasured ginger cake.

The name of this cake
is Eve's Ginger Cake.

Eve was my mother who sadly died
when I was too young

to remember her.

It's very special to me, mm.

Hello. Hello, how do you do?

How do you do? You still bake this?

I do. I do. Oh, that's a bit scary!

What I like about this is that
you've got the preserved ginger in.

I always add a bit more ginger.
I'll do that.

Try not to overcook it.

No, cos it gets too dry. Well,
you have to do it so I like it.

Absolutely. That's the most
important thing.

It must be 50-odd years
I've been cooking it.

I think if it isn't quite right,
I'll be able to tell.

Hollyoaks actor Nick Pickard
was given Betty Ackroyd's version

of a Bakewell tart,
made without the sponge on top.

I would be about 22
when I first started doing them.

I'm 82 now, so you can...
You can do your sums.

The recipe came about that,
you know, you could make

a Bakewell tart that was
a little bit different.

It's so easy, it's unbelievable.

A child could do it.

England rugby captain Phil Vickery
had to perfect

74-year-old Shirley Smith's
French apple tart.

When I first was married,
on my first big dinner party,

that was when I cooked
the French apple tart.

It went down such a...brilliantly
that I was requested

I have it every time.

So, it's become quite a part
of my life, really.

I'll give it all the love and care.

I just hope that it tastes
good enough for you.

It will taste lovely, I'm sure.

Former model Linda Lusardi
was contending

with 84-year-old Arthur Thompson's
syrup tart.

My wife will do the main course,
and I will do dessert.

See, that's the one.
That's the one you're doing.

This cookery book, I gave it to her
before we were married,

and we were married in 1953.

So, it's been around
for a long time,

but we still use it now and then.

All right, Arthur?
Good to see you. And you!

So, tell me about your tart, then.

It's just so easy.

It's not that easy. Don't tell them
it's easy! Oh, it's dead easy!

Absolutely dead easy.
And the important thing is

that other people like it, too.
Oh, lovely.

Well, I hope to do it justice.
I'm sure you will.

I've never made these before, but
they look pretty straightforward.

So, I shall just follow
the ingredients and the method

to the T, and hopefully they'll come
out as Arthur would like.

Finally, Supergrass drummer

Danny Goffey had to make
a fail-safe chocolate cake dessert.

When I was engaged,
I realised I didn't know

anything about cooking.

So, that's the original one.

I went to evening classes,
and actually this chocolate

cake is the only thing
of that cookery course

that I have ever used.

So, you must have made over 30
of these, or 35. Oh, easily.

So, when was the last time
you had your chocolate cake?

Oh, last weekend.

Oh, last weekend. I'll try my best.

Jolly good.

These recipes couldn't get
any more personal for the diners

if they tried.

I think this is going to be
a very discerning audience today.

But Gregg, as we know,
pastry is always tricky.

People get in a right muddle.

And it wasn't long
before cracks began to show.

Oh, why won't you work,
my friend? Come on.

Not... I'm not sure that I've made
enough, though, to be fair.

It's not quite long enough.

MUSIC: Flight of the Bumblebee

by Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov

Nick's pastry's not only split,
but it's also overworked.

You can see it's really tough,
it's shrunk inside the tart cases.

Regardless of what he does,

that filling is going
to be all over the place.

You know, this side as well.

Yeah, yeah. No, I saw that. Yeah.

So, that means when you put
the filling in, it's all going to

go through it, isn't it? Yeah.
So, what are you going to do?

I was going to maybe try and knock
out a little bit of pastry

and just lay it in the side there.
Going to have to.

Oh, man. This is horrible.

I've done a little... Like, when
I was a kid, repairing me tyres,

you know, with your BMX.
If you haven't done pastry

before, it's a big ask... It doesn't
look very glamorous, do they?

..and when it goes wrong,
it's even harder to rescue it.

This is a meltdown.

It's raining. It's raining.

Oh, man, don't know
what to do now.

I can only just wait and see.

With no backup chefs in the kitchen,

it was entirely up to our celebs
to deliver the afternoon tea.

Never made pastry before,

so it's difficult. I like
to have a picture in my head

of what's going on.

Big, fat fingers, fiddly job.

A common mistake the celebs
often make is not reading

the recipe properly.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, that's wrong.

That's got to be wrong.

Linda? Is that really the recipe?

Yes, 10oz. I did exactly 10oz
of breadcrumbs.

10oz is about half a pound. 24.

So, it's one and a half,
where the one and a half is.

It's me, then. I put
too many breadcrumbs in.

I would redo the filling,
but that's only me.

Really?I would, yeah.

But under pressure, Linda decided
to go with her filling and move

on to her custard.

Will that not work now?

Well, no, cos you haven't scalded
your milk. All you've got there
is cold milk and egg yolks.

Will that not heat up
and make custard?

Well, not that I know of.
I've never made custard like that.

Oh, I'll start again, then.

Oh, I'm having a mare today.

Meanwhile, I was worried Danny had
also got his quantities wrong.

Is that...? Is that...?
That's for three cakes' worth.

It looks a little thick.

The whole of our family has eaten
this cake for the last

40-something years,

and it's one of these recipes
that is just infallible.

I hope.

That looks really wet now.

Whoever our celebrities are cooking
for, the guests always have high

expectations, but that means
the pressure just builds and builds.

I'm expecting
a beautiful chocolate cake,

nice and moist with delicious
icing, and pretty-looking.

I'm expecting a wonderful tart that
will take me to heaven.

I can't see!

Well, I'm hoping it will be
delicious, cos we're going

to eat it, aren't we?

While the retirees were
expecting perfection...

Ah, ah, ah!

..in the kitchen...

Nick, ten minutes till service,
yeah? Ten minutes for a miracle?

You need a miracle today,
don't you, son?

I've got to cut
all the Bakewell tarts up,

and just drop a little
bit of coulis on them.

CLATTERING

There's nothing, you know,
I can do about it,

so I've just got to try
and hopefully go out there and woo

them ladies.

Then I want to sleep.

It's just a complete disaster.

This is one of those rare occasions
where I was thinking, "Is this even

"going to be edible?"

It looked nothing like
Betty's Bakewell tart.

That looks every inch a slice
of Margherita pizza.

That's a shame.
That's all gone horribly wrong.

Horribly wrong.

Nick has had a bad day.

A very bad day.

It didn't taste of anything
in particular.

I wouldn't know what it tasted of.

Certainly not Bakewell tart.
Not in a million years.

I've never seen one made like that.

But as it was presented,
it was beautiful.

Lovely.

We've just demolished the lot,
as you can see.

I think this is lovely. Beautiful.

It's got a lovely flavour.

Mine would have had
just slightly more almond in it,

but, no, it's good.

And when things go wrong,

celebs can often just fall back
on old-fashioned charm.

You all right? You did
a marvellous job.

Are you sure?

I was really worried
that I'd budged it for you.

No, they gave you a heck of a job
to do... Yeah?

..to make the jam and the coulis
and everything, but it was good.

Well, I'm sure your recipe
was a lot nicer than that.

I'm sure it was. Ah, well, you know,
you're a charmer, aren't you?

While Nick was charming
the pensioners,

things were going from bad to worse
in the kitchen.

I know how to make custard.

I don't know
why I'm being so stupid today.

Linda's second batch of custard
had turned to scrambled egg...

Quick, quick, quick!
It will start to curdle.

The lumpy bits, that's curdled.
Almost overcooked OK.

Oh, my God. It's heavy.

..and her syrup tart, with the wrong
amounts of breadcrumbs in it,

was more like a rock cake.

Well, I just can't get anything
right today.

I don't think Arthur's going
to be very happy with it.

That is the densest treacle tart
I've ever seen in my life.

Service, please.

Total disaster.

That was one dense syrup tart,

served up with a split custard.

What's this?
Oh, it's hard as a rock.

Oh, my God.

Strewth!

And it is hard, really hard.

I think the proportion of syrup

to breadcrumbs is probably

not quite right.

I am bit disappointed
in the end result. Yeah, yeah.

Careful. It is really difficult
to go through.

And I'm pretty strong.

Hello. Hello, hello.
Have you all still

got your teeth after eating that?

LAUGHTER

Well, now, you say it, too.

Oh, I have to say - so sorry
for ruining your recipe, Arthur.

No, no, no.

It's a bit like
a dried-up old biscuit.

We don't want to be so critical,
but, honestly, it was... I know,

it's dreadful. This is
the first disaster I've had.

I'll come and help you next time.
OK. Yeah.

You should have been in there
with me, Arthur!

Well, next time I will be.
OK. Who knows?

Well, thank you very much.
OK. God bless. Thank you.

To be fair, not all the celebs
that day made a hash of things.

Kirsty's ginger cake
went down well...

I'm ready!

Service, please.

Mm! That's delicious.

She's done my cake justice.

And I'm grateful for the idea
of making it into a dessert.

..and Big Phil Vickery
proved he had a deft touch

with Shirley's apple tart.

Oh, my goodness me!

Mm!

That was just brilliant!

Thank you very much.
And another one.

Oh, yes.

No, you did wonderfully well,

and if you've never cooked
it before,

I'm more than impressed. Aw, thank
you. I really appreciate that.

You can do my cooking any time.

Seeing our guests smile
gave us all great pleasure...

They're falling apart a little bit
round the edge. Whoa!

..but there was still one more dish
that had to pass muster.

What I'm going to do,
I'm going to use it as glue.

This is going to be covered,
I'm going to fill in the cracks,

cover it all up, present it,
just like a really bad builder.

How you going to cut that cake up?
Don't know yet.

One thing our celebs always get
is that the show must go on,

even if your performance is a bit
patchy. Danny, that's enough!

Stop, stop.
That's enough on the cake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

That one looks like a little face.

I think I'm going mental. Brilliant!

Yeah! Can we go? Can we go? No, no!

Can't have dirty plates. Look. What
about a little bit of icing sugar?

What about getting it out there
before the people start screaming?

Service. Thank you very much!

HE SIGHS

So, Danny served up
a patched-up version

of Rosamund's chocolate cake.

It just remained to be seen
what she made of it.

Some of it's gone muddy.

It's far too sweet. It's too dry,
isn't it? The cake?

The cake is too dry.

This is a recipe that I've given
to scores of people,

and it's never come out like this.

So, I'm very surprised
cos I knew it was something

that could never go wrong.

Hello, how are you?

Well, I know. I look more
like a butcher, don't I?

A lot of people in the room
liked it.

But you didn't? But I was...

LAUGHTER

I was a bit disappointed.

I did think it was a bit heavy,
the mix. Well, it's normally fine.

Did you weigh it out correctly?

Do you know what? I did.

I'll tell you what.

I'll make you one. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much for trying.
Aw, it was a pleasure.

Even if you did prove to me
that it's not infallible.

Thank you.

You and I ate a lot
of sweet things on that day.

I wasn't complaining.

Although, how we didn't get a huge
dental bill after eating Linda's

breadcrumb syrup tart,
I'll never know.

The semifinal challenges
are designed to stretch our

celebrities, put them under
pressure and build

their cookery know-how,

so by the time they come to cook
for a place in the final,

they're equipped to face
the toughest audience

of all - the restaurant critics.

I mean, these critics are fierce.

They can make or break chefs'
careers and entire restaurants

with their words.

No wonder our celebs are terrified.

In fact, I'd be terrified.

I don't want a funny dinner.

I don't want a dinner that looks
like the person's incredibly

good at sport. I'm hungry.

I'd just like to get away
with my taste buds intact

and without waking in the night,
clawing at the bedsheets.

Sometimes, you've got to deliver

harsh verdicts and from first glance

at the menu,

I think that might happen.

Now, when the critics come to dine,
they don't care about who's

cooking their food.

All they want is restaurant quality
food, and they don't hold back

with what they think.

It actually tastes
like wallpaper paste or ectoplasm.

That's how I imagine it would taste.

The red cabbage is...
It's beyond acidic.

And this sauce...

I've got a fence
that needs creosoting.

The whole plate looks like it should
go straight into the dishwasher.

John, as we know, it's one of
the toughest of the final tests.

Oh!Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's why you always make a spare.

For me, it's all about
it's got to look pretty.

You know, you got to want to make
love to the plate, you know?

Oh!And over the years,
this challenge

has been the undoing of many a fine

Celebrity MasterChef contestant.

Oh! Ooh!

In 2014, legendary Royal Ballet
dancer and choreographer Wayne Sleep

made it to the competition's
final stages.

This is becoming a disaster.

He started the series
as a complete novice...

HE SIGHS

Do you cook at home?

No. You don't?

No, I haven't cooked
in about 30 years.

..but with every challenge,
he just grew and grew.

Wayne, I'm really impressed.

Oh, wow.You work so hard.
I think you really care.

And I'm really pleased
cos it tastes good.

That's a damn good paella.

Very, very good indeed.

The saffron humming through it
is delightful.

Oh!

Now, the semifinals and finals
are all filmed over a short

and very intense period.

The celebrities literally
have to give up everything else

in their lives and concentrate
all their energies

on the MasterChef competition.

One day, they can be asked to cater
for a medieval banquet...

BOTH: One, two, three!

LAUGHTER

Bobby, what did you do?!

We might make it, we might make it.
Fish going in.

..the next, they're catering
street food out of a van

for Olympic workers...

Whee!

Dinner is served.

..and before they know it,

if they want to make the final, they
have to come up with two courses

to impress the restaurant critics.

Oh!

I feel very alarmed about cooking
for restaurant critics.

Season well.

This is heavy-duty stuff.

This is the real McCoy.

And they don't always have
a lot of time to prepare.

How many times have you cooked
these dishes?

I've cooked it three quarters,
more or less. Nearly once.

Sorry.You ran out of time? Yeah.

How can you only have ever
three quarter cooked a dish?

Well, quite easily,
because it took so long!

There is only one way to impress
a restaurant critic,

and that is quality cooking,
a good touch, an ability to season,

an ability to dress a plate.

All the old-fashioned
cookery skills.

Wayne's main course - turbot.

A noble, noble fish.

Has to be very, very,
very well treated.

It doesn't look right to me.

Wayne, how far off are we?
You're due now. I'm miles away.

I'll be another five minutes or so.

I think that if he can plate as well
as he dances, it will be a dainty

thing of beauty, and I'm looking
forward to that.

No, it doesn't look right.No?

Let's start plating, please, Wayne.

Unfortunately, in this round,
Wayne wasn't cooking as well

as he could dance, and he kept
the critics waiting.

You are now ten minutes over.

Sauce on, and away we go, please.

Done? Yeah.Good.

That way.

Through the door
next to your door. OK.

Ladies first.

Well, it's meant to be poached
turbot with green goddess sauce

and Swiss chard. And is green
goddess mayonnaise

an invention of yours?

It was added to with my imagination,
slightly, yes. Thank you!

Good luck.

Wayne was quite late bringing
his food through, and now

I've seen it, I'm beginning to wish
he'd been a little later.

This is a savagely unappealing
plate of food.

Oh! No, it's... No.

Really... Oh!

Personally, I'm a coward,

and I won't eat things
that smell like that.

I mean, this is without doubt
the nastiest dish I've eaten

in almost ten years of MasterChef.

They were merciless
about that fish, John.

It still makes me cringe
watching it.

And the pain didn't stop there.

His second course
was much simpler - a lemon posset.

Won't I be glad when this is over?!

Under the pressure to deliver,

it almost ended up in
the critics' laps...

Oh!

..and failed to rescue his bid
for a place in the final.

The overwhelming thing you get
from this is far too much lemon.

Quite a strident posset.

I'm just really pleased that
he's obviously a really lovely guy,

and has had an amazing career
in another creative industry.

He just needs to be kept well away
from kitchens from now on.

The biscuits are a bit doughy.
The edges are burnt.

This hasn't been a good round
for Wayne Sleep.

JOHN SIGHS

Oh, God!

Nightmare.

It was like being in a torture
chamber at one point,

and I felt, "Let me out of here."

With critics as harsh as these,

you would think playing it safe
would be the best strategy.

But I must admit, I quite
like it when contestants go

a little bit off-piste.

I suppose, yeah, like presenter
Rylan Clark-Neal.

He went far in the competition
because throughout

he was extremely creative.

For the critics, he produced
something very special.

Dessert is a trio of lavender.

A trio of lavender?

Yes, I've done a lavender
creme brulee.

I'm going to do lavender
nitrogen shots,

and I was going to do a still
lavender lemonade,

but I'm going to carbonate it at
the table with dry ice.

Why push yourself to these
extraordinary lengths?

Right, I've been asking myself
that question all day

because I've been stressed out,
but it's the last push, innit?

It shows the skill.
There's purple everything.

I'm just going full-out.

In his efforts to go
full-out, Rylan

decided to use both liquid nitrogen
and dry ice,

both of which require specialist
training and protective clothing

in case of burns.

Rewrite the books.

A trio of lavender.

There's a creme brulee
and then there's nitrogen shot,

so he's got all the gear.

And then there's this lightly
carbonated lemonade.

It's a whole new genre of
sort of ostentatious lunacy.

I'll be back in a sec.
You're like Willy Wonka!

I mean, it's completely nuts.
It is completely nuts.

I've never seen anything like it.
That's brilliant, look!

If you've got a purple tongue,
it weren't my fault.

Thank you, guys. Hope you enjoy it.

It's the purplest thing I've seen
since my bedroom wall in the 1970s.

It is incredible-looking.

I think it looks quite interesting.

The amazing thing about this dish
is that nothing on this plate

tastes of lavender.

The creme brulee would be fine
if he hadn't absolutely

burnt the brulee.

The nitro-lemonade just tastes
like flat lemonade,

which needs a little bit
more diluting.

As Rylan discovered,
no matter how hard you try to

wow those critics, they are
tough customers to please.

Over the years, our celebs
have tried everything.

We've seen fancy presentation...

I just find these green lines
sort of irritating

because it's about decoration,

it's not about taste and flavour
and food. It's off-putting.

I don't like it.

Don't like it. I don't like it!
I don't like it!

I don't like looking at it.
It annoys me.

..and stuffing their menus with
the poshest of ingredients...

You're used to being a critic.

What's it like being on the other
side of the fence? It's hideous.

I absolutely hate it.

I have to say, I feel sort of all,
ah, over the place, but...

I can't believe this is the sort of
food that you're cooking

every day, Craig Uh, no, it's not.

It's food that I thought belongs
in a restaurant.

And I thought it would be food that
critics could have a good go at.

You know?

We're going to be a couple of
minutes late, aren't we?

If there's another minute
in the oven,

you won't get them all plated in
a minute. Come on!

If they're not ready,
serve them late.

Say, "Look, give me another minute,
guys, I'll be there in a sec."

Hello.

Apologies.

Your starter is going to be
one minute late.

We're withering away here!

My hands are so shaky.

Come on.

OK.

They look like goose droppings.

Not very nice at all.

This is a cooked oyster, which,
in my view, is often

an abomination anyhow,
under a slurry of spinach,

which is unpleasantly sweet.

It's just various different
types of snot, really, isn't it?

Poor, old Craig. He got a taste of
his own medicine that day.

But not everyone disappoints.

And over the years, some dishes
have just blown the critics away.

Two words. "Oh" and "wow".
This is amazing.

I think this is the best dish
I've ever tried,

cooked by somebody who's meant
to be famous for something else.

Really, really impressive.

A seriously talented cook.

Hi! Success in the critics' round
has often been the springboard

to going all the way
to the final itself.

Well, I have to say,
this is the nearest we've come

to modern restaurant presentation.

Somebody else who made it
to the final after making

a staggering impression on
the critics was Made In Chelsea

reality star Spencer Matthews.

How's your souffles?

Are they rising to the occasion?
They are.

They look great, Spencer.

Yeah! Thank you. Oh, my word!

Look at that.

Go!Go!

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
Congratulations, Spencer Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Be proud.

Give me a big smile. Look at that!

Hello. Hello. Your souffle.

Mm! Oh!

Blimey.

That was as perfect and as beautiful
a souffle as you might ever wish

to have. The lightness of it.

I mean, it is seriously
bang-on perfect.

Incredible.

That was like
a religious experience.

Just gorgeous. When do I ever
finish MasterChef puddings?

Look at me. I'm helpless.

Oh, John, there you see.

Produce a dish that the critics love

and, from ferocious lions,

you can reduce them
to giggling pussy cats.

It's great to witness.

Next time, it's all about
reaching for the stars...

What is that?! It's a fish.

..trying to impress some
of the best chefs in the country...

BEEPING

Do not open the oven!
Do not open the oven!

..and tackling the toughest
challenge of them all -

the chef's table.

This is the part of the competition
that can make or break

our contestants.

This dish...Sh!
..is the equivalent..Sh!

..of building the Eiffel Tower.

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