Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:18,009 --> 00:00:20,045
OK. We're going into extra time.
2
00:00:20,209 --> 00:00:24,088
Injury time, it feels like.
Remind me why we're doing this.
3
00:00:24,249 --> 00:00:28,242
Because since Jamie Oliver turned
all those juvenile delinquents into chefs,
4
00:00:28,409 --> 00:00:30,843
everyone has to be seen
to be rattling the bucket.
5
00:00:31,009 --> 00:00:34,399
At least when I have a heart attack,
I know it'll be for charity.
6
00:00:34,569 --> 00:00:35,888
The trick is to go in goal.
7
00:00:36,049 --> 00:00:39,837
The trick is to be so fucking hopeless,
they stick you in goal. Listen up good.
8
00:00:40,009 --> 00:00:41,408
Listen up good?
9
00:00:49,969 --> 00:00:52,961
Volpone 1, Prentiss McCabe 3?
10
00:00:53,129 --> 00:00:56,246
"Thanks to a hat-trick by ace kicker,
Charles Prentiss."
11
00:00:56,409 --> 00:00:58,400
Kicker isn't even a football term.
12
00:00:58,569 --> 00:01:01,037
- Charles, you can't lie...
- To journalists?
13
00:01:01,209 --> 00:01:03,723
What would that do
for our company's reputation?
14
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,880
Never ask a PR man for the truth
15
00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:08,927
or shake hands with a gynaecologist.
Professional rules.
16
00:01:09,089 --> 00:01:12,718
- Old profession. Not in Kubrick plus two.
- Kubrick plus two?
17
00:01:12,889 --> 00:01:16,040
Stanley Kubrick made "2001".
It's YPC.
18
00:01:16,209 --> 00:01:18,325
- What?
- Young Person's Code.
19
00:01:18,489 --> 00:01:24,200
You want to understand Jamie, but can't.
I can understand him and don't want to.
20
00:01:24,369 --> 00:01:27,327
The best story in this rag this week
is on the front page.
21
00:01:27,489 --> 00:01:30,367
Haven't you won that
for the last five years, Charles?
22
00:01:30,529 --> 00:01:33,043
It's good to see young people coming through.
23
00:01:33,209 --> 00:01:36,758
- Jamie won it for a job which you...
- Some hippy thing in Suffolk?
24
00:01:36,929 --> 00:01:39,079
East Anglian Wind Farms Collective.
25
00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:41,638
Which you argued for the agency to turn down
26
00:01:41,809 --> 00:01:45,882
on the grounds that the public
didn't want their lights run by fart power.
27
00:01:46,049 --> 00:01:50,406
This is the new PR. For every Premiership
footballer, you represent a hospice.
28
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:54,357
- Premiership footballer?
- Terry Pine. Manchester City striker.
29
00:01:54,529 --> 00:01:57,407
Ten goals in five games.
He's coming in this morning.
30
00:01:57,569 --> 00:02:00,129
Nowadays people want to know
how much you give away.
31
00:02:00,289 --> 00:02:02,757
Martin, your 10.30's at reception.
32
00:02:02,929 --> 00:02:05,921
- Cardinal of Yorkshire?
- Archbishop of York.
33
00:02:06,089 --> 00:02:10,480
How much is he adding to the collection
plate? This place is going to the gods!
34
00:02:10,649 --> 00:02:13,447
Have you chosen
Gordon Brown's "Desert Island Discs"?
35
00:02:13,609 --> 00:02:16,282
Virtually.
I found a soft rock group from Idaho,
36
00:02:16,449 --> 00:02:19,009
to show he's culturally aware
without being buffy.
37
00:02:19,169 --> 00:02:23,128
Careful. Thatcher would have served
five terms if not for "Two Little Boys".
38
00:02:23,289 --> 00:02:26,599
Charlie? Can I shift me
on the Ross Kemp Style Manual?
39
00:02:26,769 --> 00:02:29,602
- They want me to appear on PMTs.
- Who wants you to?
40
00:02:29,769 --> 00:02:34,763
The leaders of the G7 group of major
industrialised countries, in secret session,
41
00:02:34,929 --> 00:02:39,320
have decided that a crappy Channel 4
afternoon show needs your presence?
42
00:02:39,489 --> 00:02:44,165
Charles, it's fashionable to use fewer words
these days - effect of text messaging.
43
00:02:44,329 --> 00:02:48,242
Researcher wanted someone from here
to give advice to Prince Edward.
44
00:02:48,409 --> 00:02:51,958
Someone from here? I'm arguably
more someone from here than you are.
45
00:02:52,129 --> 00:02:55,166
- When do they want me at the studio?
- You can't Bigfoot me.
46
00:02:55,329 --> 00:02:58,048
Why not? My feet are big.
47
00:02:58,209 --> 00:03:02,043
Yeah. Yeah. We focus-grouped
his "Desert Island Disc" selection.
48
00:03:02,209 --> 00:03:05,724
There was a feeling that three
Broadway show tunes was a bit Portillo
49
00:03:05,889 --> 00:03:10,246
and the Dragoon Guards Marching Band
might sound rather "Look out, North Korea."
50
00:03:10,409 --> 00:03:15,529
The other thing is that the knockout phase
in the Championship will be much earlier.
51
00:03:15,689 --> 00:03:17,725
- Exactly.
- Charles Prentiss.
52
00:03:17,889 --> 00:03:22,007
Right. I thought we were talking
to Alison here. So what do you do?
53
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,729
I suppose you'd see me as the manager.
54
00:03:24,889 --> 00:03:28,802
Alison's more the type who'd come on
with a sponge and rub your groin.
55
00:03:28,969 --> 00:03:31,437
- So you follow football?
- Absolutely.
56
00:03:31,609 --> 00:03:34,601
Many's the time I've watched Terry
on "Match of the Day".
57
00:03:34,769 --> 00:03:37,602
- "The Premiership".
- Did you see the match on Wednesday?
58
00:03:37,769 --> 00:03:40,920
- I believe I did.
- I was saying to Alison, bloody ridiculous.
59
00:03:41,089 --> 00:03:44,718
Two legs! I don't know any footballer
who thinks we should have two legs.
60
00:03:44,889 --> 00:03:49,121
- You find one leg more useful?
- I don't know about useful, less tiring.
61
00:03:49,289 --> 00:03:51,883
Less tiring. One leg. I see.
62
00:03:52,049 --> 00:03:56,361
I think the point that Terry's trying to make
is that with all the games they play,
63
00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:59,760
both home and away legs
in the Worthington Cup is too much.
64
00:03:59,929 --> 00:04:01,920
- Right.
- Right. Right.
65
00:04:02,089 --> 00:04:06,128
You know a lot about football, love.
Did you have a lot of brothers?
66
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:09,008
I'm an only child. I just read up on it.
67
00:04:09,169 --> 00:04:11,888
Most young people
don't know their arse from their elbow.
68
00:04:12,049 --> 00:04:15,405
With Alison, you know
she'll join the Royal Arse Society
69
00:04:15,569 --> 00:04:18,083
and get out a book on elbows
from the library.
70
00:04:18,249 --> 00:04:20,888
So... how can we help you?
71
00:04:21,049 --> 00:04:23,768
(THEY SPEAK WELSH)
72
00:04:23,929 --> 00:04:26,045
Joe, fuck's sake...
73
00:04:31,729 --> 00:04:34,163
I wanna play football for England.
74
00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:39,244
We don't think the calendar
is a bad idea, per se,
75
00:04:39,409 --> 00:04:42,207
but are you sure
about all of them stripping off?
76
00:04:43,729 --> 00:04:48,644
Yeah. I know he's very keen on the idea,
but has he put it to the rest of the Cabinet?
77
00:04:50,529 --> 00:04:54,204
The risk always with ambition
and the desire for success
78
00:04:54,369 --> 00:04:57,566
is that it may be the devil
whispering in our ear.
79
00:04:59,769 --> 00:05:03,842
That may be the first time anyone
in these offices has expressed that worry.
80
00:05:04,009 --> 00:05:07,399
Forgive me. I'm a bit of an Easter
and Christmas Anglican.
81
00:05:07,569 --> 00:05:11,039
I give Good Friday a miss when ITV
have got one of the better Bonds on.
82
00:05:11,209 --> 00:05:15,043
But as I understand it,
ABC is chosen by the PM?
83
00:05:15,209 --> 00:05:17,803
- ABC?
- Archbishop of Canterbury.
84
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,483
Young people don't always get the lingo.
85
00:05:20,649 --> 00:05:25,359
To say that the PM chooses ABC
is a simplification.
86
00:05:25,529 --> 00:05:28,521
Two names are sent
in an envelope from Canterbury
87
00:05:28,689 --> 00:05:31,078
and the Prime Minister chooses A or B.
88
00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:34,685
And you want to be in that envelope.
How do you run for it?
89
00:05:35,689 --> 00:05:40,319
Running is thought vulgar.
One lets one's name be considered.
90
00:05:40,489 --> 00:05:44,368
So why, with respect,
are you hiring a PR company?
91
00:05:44,529 --> 00:05:47,521
Ah... that is not me.
92
00:05:47,689 --> 00:05:50,442
I have supporters
within the Anglican communion
93
00:05:50,609 --> 00:05:53,999
who believe that God
is calling me to this role.
94
00:05:55,529 --> 00:06:01,445
But that God may, in an age where the media
are omnipotent, need a little help.
95
00:06:01,609 --> 00:06:04,726
Who would be your main rival?
96
00:06:04,889 --> 00:06:09,883
Lancaster's very strong. I fear him.
97
00:06:10,049 --> 00:06:13,598
Wow. It's like being
in Henry the Tenth Part Six or something.
98
00:06:13,769 --> 00:06:15,805
What can you tell us about Lancaster?
99
00:06:15,969 --> 00:06:21,441
What you need to know is that people
think of Lancaster as humble and simple.
100
00:06:21,609 --> 00:06:23,918
He's certainly the latter.
101
00:06:25,089 --> 00:06:27,887
You actually want this job quite a lot,
don't you?
102
00:06:28,929 --> 00:06:30,920
If I'm called to it.
103
00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:34,525
We'd already had a scan, said he was a boy.
I was prepared.
104
00:06:34,689 --> 00:06:37,044
We were going to stay in Liverpool.
105
00:06:37,209 --> 00:06:40,565
But this little bugger here
decides to come early,
106
00:06:40,729 --> 00:06:43,527
so I get Joyce in the car,
foot down to England.
107
00:06:43,689 --> 00:06:47,204
She eventually has him
in a motorway service station.
108
00:06:47,369 --> 00:06:52,921
I thought we were OK until I saw "Slow Down"
on the tarmac in two bloody languages.
109
00:06:53,089 --> 00:06:55,284
We were just short of the border.
110
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,440
I may sound ignorant here...
111
00:06:57,609 --> 00:07:00,123
but what's so awful about playing for Wales?
112
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:02,359
I'll say two words to you.
113
00:07:02,529 --> 00:07:04,838
Mark Hughes.
114
00:07:05,009 --> 00:07:08,922
Finest striker in years,
but because he was Welsh, no World Cups.
115
00:07:09,089 --> 00:07:12,161
Later on, Ryan Giggs
had exactly the same problem.
116
00:07:12,329 --> 00:07:17,244
But when my boy here scored ten goals
in his first five Premiership starts,
117
00:07:17,409 --> 00:07:19,081
I lay back and thought of England.
118
00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:22,480
I'm sorry,
but we don't issue passports here.
119
00:07:22,649 --> 00:07:25,607
You see, you don't actually
have to be born there.
120
00:07:25,769 --> 00:07:29,364
Vinnie Jones is a Cockney git
and he played for Wales. Taffy Gran's enough.
121
00:07:29,529 --> 00:07:34,842
Yes, you see, my mam - that's Terry's nan -
she was from Yorkshire.
122
00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:37,443
So tell Sven about his Barnsley genes.
123
00:07:37,609 --> 00:07:39,918
Yes, but we need it in the media.
124
00:07:40,089 --> 00:07:43,479
I want to make out how English he is
before he gets picked.
125
00:07:43,649 --> 00:07:45,446
Don't need trouble with the fans.
126
00:07:45,609 --> 00:07:47,884
You don't want hooligans throwing leeks.
127
00:07:48,049 --> 00:07:50,358
So what's needed is some sort of stunt.
128
00:07:50,529 --> 00:07:54,442
Like being rushed to hospital
with a severe daffodil allergy.
129
00:07:54,609 --> 00:07:56,361
Or marrying Kylie Minogue.
130
00:07:56,529 --> 00:08:02,877
- Yes. Let's keep it simple, shall we?
- Righto... Have you got her number, though?
131
00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:05,005
Buggering choirboys.
132
00:08:06,169 --> 00:08:09,639
Cliff Richard... More tea, Vicar?
133
00:08:10,649 --> 00:08:13,163
Worcester Cathedral
from the cricket ground.
134
00:08:15,169 --> 00:08:19,162
Thank you, Martin. Cat, what do you
associate with the Church of England?
135
00:08:19,329 --> 00:08:21,320
- "Vicar of Dibley".
- Good.
136
00:08:27,209 --> 00:08:29,200
And that's all really.
137
00:08:30,329 --> 00:08:34,322
- OK. Martin, you've got the focus group...
- Charlotte Church.
138
00:08:47,369 --> 00:08:48,882
- Ah.
- Charles.
139
00:08:49,049 --> 00:08:50,926
I was expecting Colin.
140
00:08:51,089 --> 00:08:53,557
He's prepping the PM, but he's briefed me.
141
00:08:56,009 --> 00:09:02,164
This Jamie Front - who's just won Campaign
of the Year - is he someone we should know?
142
00:09:02,329 --> 00:09:05,639
I've been summoned to Number Ten
to talk about my office boy?
143
00:09:05,809 --> 00:09:09,006
- That was just in passing. Water?
- Thank you.
144
00:09:09,169 --> 00:09:14,801
Would you find it possible
to work against Martin... and Jamie?
145
00:09:14,969 --> 00:09:18,518
Well, if you want loyalty, buy a dog.
146
00:09:18,689 --> 00:09:20,884
Work against them in what way?
147
00:09:21,049 --> 00:09:25,565
As you know, Martin and the young holder
of the Campaign of the Year Award
148
00:09:25,729 --> 00:09:28,323
hope to get the Archbishop of York
a prettier dress.
149
00:09:28,489 --> 00:09:32,277
Yes. They're into this thing
about doing good instead of doing well.
150
00:09:32,449 --> 00:09:35,759
We want York dead... metaphorically.
151
00:09:35,929 --> 00:09:37,920
Right. Yes.
152
00:09:39,209 --> 00:09:43,999
The Prime Minister chooses the Archbishop
of Canterbury. Can't he not choose York?
153
00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:46,683
The PM must choose the churchgoer's choice.
154
00:09:46,849 --> 00:09:50,046
- The front runner's York.
- What's so awful about him?
155
00:09:50,209 --> 00:09:54,680
In 1996 he told the General Synod,
"War is always wrong."
156
00:09:54,849 --> 00:09:57,522
Oh, Christ.
You're not going to start another one?
157
00:09:57,689 --> 00:10:03,764
And, secondly, the thing about York is...
he's a bit religious.
158
00:10:04,969 --> 00:10:06,960
I see. So who do you want?
159
00:10:07,129 --> 00:10:10,963
That's the job we're offering you.
Find us someone.
160
00:10:11,129 --> 00:10:13,597
New Labour, New Jesus.
161
00:10:14,849 --> 00:10:18,444
(ALISON) As Terry's grandmother,
we thought you could host a tea party.
162
00:10:18,609 --> 00:10:24,320
- A tea party?
- Yes. Serving some typical local food.
163
00:10:24,489 --> 00:10:28,562
- Right. What do you mean by that?
- Anything that isn't Welsh.
164
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:33,245
I tried to find a website, but there wasn't one.
What do they eat in Yorkshire?
165
00:10:33,409 --> 00:10:36,048
You're after a big plate of parkin
and wet nelly
166
00:10:36,209 --> 00:10:39,918
while we dance round the coffee table
singing "On Ilkley Moor Ba Tat".
167
00:10:41,889 --> 00:10:45,245
I like to think of Christianity
as Manchester United
168
00:10:45,409 --> 00:10:48,367
and Islam as Real Madrid.
169
00:10:48,529 --> 00:10:49,962
Whilst we might...
170
00:10:50,129 --> 00:10:52,359
(CHARLES) Jesus Christ!
171
00:10:56,569 --> 00:10:59,686
# If I was to say to you,,,
172
00:11:00,849 --> 00:11:04,159
# Girl, we couldn't get much higher
173
00:11:05,369 --> 00:11:07,758
# Come on, baby, light my fire
174
00:11:07,929 --> 00:11:11,001
- (SIGHS)
- # Come on, baby, light,,, #
175
00:11:14,889 --> 00:11:19,201
,, "Thou shalt not", But let's thinkabout a religion based on "Thou shalt",
176
00:11:19,369 --> 00:11:24,318
A religion that empowers people, whichis about choice rather than restrictions,
177
00:11:24,489 --> 00:11:27,606
Given the choice,people tend to choose the right path,
178
00:11:27,769 --> 00:11:30,966
The important thingis to give them that choice,
179
00:11:31,129 --> 00:11:33,802
I'd say, Susan, that God's
not angry about your job -
180
00:11:33,969 --> 00:11:38,724
Mary Magdalene was a prostitute,
but she stopped after she followed Jesus.
181
00:11:38,889 --> 00:11:42,006
Keep those calls coming
on the Confessions Line.
182
00:11:43,329 --> 00:11:48,483
This is JCFM, London's only 24-hour
Christian radio station. I'm Timothy London.
183
00:11:48,649 --> 00:11:53,928
This is one of my favourites - "O Perfect
Love, All Human Thoughts Transcending."
184
00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:56,683
(HYMN PLAYS)
185
00:11:56,849 --> 00:12:01,206
Oh. Hello. I don't know you.
Are you doing the pilgrimage weather report?
186
00:12:01,369 --> 00:12:03,519
No. It's Charles Prentiss.
187
00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:06,328
- How long is this track?
- It's 2.28.
188
00:12:06,489 --> 00:12:09,561
If we talk over the fade-out
the nuns write in to complain.
189
00:12:10,649 --> 00:12:14,324
Bit of luck you actually
having the surname London, isn't it?
190
00:12:14,489 --> 00:12:17,481
No, no. Anglican bishops
take the name of their see.
191
00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,719
A while back I'd be Timothy Londinium.
192
00:12:19,889 --> 00:12:23,120
I see. What I have to say is very simple.
193
00:12:23,289 --> 00:12:27,805
Have you ever considered
becoming Timothy Canterbury?
194
00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:35,725
Look, I'm a pretty straight kind of guy.
I'm not going to lie to you.
195
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:39,723
Every vicar in the country
has imagined himself in the big hat,
196
00:12:39,889 --> 00:12:43,518
but I'm not a candidate this time
because of the Lambeth Lunch.
197
00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:47,204
I'm sorry. I've heard of the Last Supper,
obviously, but...
198
00:12:47,369 --> 00:12:49,405
Andrew Travis, who's Archbishop of York.
199
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:53,528
We had lunch at an Italian place
during the General Synod five years ago.
200
00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:58,126
We agreed that next time Canterbury
came up, he'd go for it and I'd support him.
201
00:12:58,289 --> 00:13:00,325
I could never rat on the Lambeth Lunch.
202
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:05,279
Suppose there were a great wave
of public support for you over York?
203
00:13:05,449 --> 00:13:08,168
I always say
"Don't ask God for the impossible."
204
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,843
Yes, but it's not God you're asking, is it?
205
00:13:23,409 --> 00:13:25,240
Julia.
206
00:13:25,409 --> 00:13:30,802
- I hope you don't mind Meccano's.
- As long as my readers don't find out.
207
00:13:30,969 --> 00:13:33,802
The women here worry
that the menu will make them fat.
208
00:13:33,969 --> 00:13:36,608
My fear is that it will make me
look middle-class.
209
00:13:36,769 --> 00:13:41,126
So what can I and the millions of loyal
"Daily News" readers expect tomorrow?
210
00:13:41,289 --> 00:13:44,247
Here are the headlines
we've been working on.
211
00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:50,764
Crikey. He's going to have a hard time
explaining that to George, Bungle and Zippy.
212
00:13:50,929 --> 00:13:54,638
- Can you make these stand up?
- Of course not. It's a wish list.
213
00:13:54,809 --> 00:13:59,246
Well, in that case... you might consider...
214
00:14:00,249 --> 00:14:04,242
adding this to your wish list.
215
00:14:07,449 --> 00:14:09,440
"London wins Canterbury."
216
00:14:09,609 --> 00:14:13,648
- Is that rugby or cricket or something?
- It's religion.
217
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,606
- That's fantastic.
- Is it?
218
00:14:15,769 --> 00:14:19,523
My proprietor's just started
wearing incense instead of aftershave.
219
00:14:19,689 --> 00:14:21,998
- Has he?
- He had a heart attack.
220
00:14:22,169 --> 00:14:24,683
In the hospital he got God. God help me!
221
00:14:24,849 --> 00:14:27,443
He's worried that St Peter
will give him a hard time
222
00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:30,203
for printing pictures
of women's tits each day.
223
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:34,362
Well, Julia, I may just be able
to prove to you that there is a God.
224
00:14:36,969 --> 00:14:38,766
Read this.
225
00:14:40,049 --> 00:14:43,359
"The 'News' says the red says since.
226
00:14:43,529 --> 00:14:48,000
"There is no better man to be first
Archbishop of Canterbury of the 21st century
227
00:14:48,169 --> 00:14:50,399
"than the... Bishop of London"?!
228
00:14:50,569 --> 00:14:52,605
Who the fuck's put London in the mix?
229
00:14:54,209 --> 00:14:57,167
(TV) Whatever problemsit may have had with gay bishops,
230
00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:00,162
the Church of Englandmay have its own Mr Right,
231
00:15:00,329 --> 00:15:03,799
In a surprise movein what's usually a secret process,
232
00:15:03,969 --> 00:15:07,644
Britain's biggest-selling newspaperhas become involved in the race
233
00:15:07,809 --> 00:15:09,720
to find the Archbishop of Canterbury,
234
00:15:09,889 --> 00:15:13,438
The Bishop of London, Tim Spears,has put his name in the hat,
235
00:15:13,609 --> 00:15:16,442
Known to be on the liberal wingof the Anglican Church,
236
00:15:16,609 --> 00:15:19,726
the Bishop is seen as a strong contenderin the campaign,
237
00:15:21,889 --> 00:15:25,962
- Do you have any ethics at all?
- Now, there's a theological question.
238
00:15:26,129 --> 00:15:29,963
Surely one agency can't represent two people
going for the same job?
239
00:15:30,129 --> 00:15:34,247
There must be rules. Like estate agents
not acting for buyer and seller...
240
00:15:34,409 --> 00:15:37,048
Not only can you represent buyer and seller,
241
00:15:37,209 --> 00:15:41,521
but you can steal the light bulbs,
pee in the sink and live in the house.
242
00:15:41,689 --> 00:15:44,203
PR means never having to say you're wrong.
243
00:15:45,209 --> 00:15:49,168
But... at the risk of sounding
like your Uncle Albert,
244
00:15:49,329 --> 00:15:51,763
this is our little secret, all right?
245
00:16:06,009 --> 00:16:08,079
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
246
00:16:08,249 --> 00:16:11,559
- I know you weren't a happy girl in there.
- What do you mean?
247
00:16:11,729 --> 00:16:14,482
I used to shag a deaf girl.
She taught me to lip-read.
248
00:16:14,649 --> 00:16:16,640
Oh, you know Charles.
249
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,640
Last week he thought football was 15 a side,
250
00:16:18,809 --> 00:16:21,403
this week he's correcting my pronunciation
of Zinedine Zidano.
251
00:16:21,569 --> 00:16:23,366
- Zidane.
- Yup.
252
00:16:23,529 --> 00:16:27,807
Alison, this York for Canterbury campaign
is going to be harder than we thought.
253
00:16:27,969 --> 00:16:30,437
- Have you?
- Never mind York for Canterbury.
254
00:16:30,609 --> 00:16:34,079
Wales for Yorkshire
is taking me virtually 24 hours a day.
255
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:38,839
- I think I want Charles in on this.
- Ah. I don't think...
256
00:16:39,009 --> 00:16:43,161
- Martin, we can do this without him.
- Yes. Exactly.
257
00:16:46,969 --> 00:16:49,039
A rough of tomorrow's front page.
258
00:16:50,329 --> 00:16:52,604
We're splashing on the Canterbury battle.
259
00:16:52,769 --> 00:16:54,760
York's a dork, Lanc's a wanker,
260
00:16:54,929 --> 00:16:57,841
London, though, walks on the bloody Thames.
261
00:16:58,009 --> 00:17:02,924
Having him hand out salmon blinis to 5,000
passers-by was a master stroke, Charles.
262
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:07,719
Oh, and at your suggestion, I've appointed
our first-ever Religious Affairs editor.
263
00:17:07,889 --> 00:17:12,804
Charles Prentiss, meet Johnny Todd.
Todd of the God Squad as we're calling him.
264
00:17:12,969 --> 00:17:16,928
How interesting. You covered religious
affairs for another newspaper?
265
00:17:17,089 --> 00:17:21,765
No. I was a football reporter for this one
till the gaffer rang me this morning.
266
00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:25,524
We're going to run a voucher scheme -
a bottle of water for every reader.
267
00:17:25,689 --> 00:17:30,809
They think we're being cheapskates,
but the ones who apply get a bottle of wine.
268
00:17:30,969 --> 00:17:32,607
A modern miracle.
269
00:17:32,769 --> 00:17:35,761
I've had an idea, too... Here we are.
270
00:17:37,249 --> 00:17:40,958
A live televised debate
between the main contestants.
271
00:17:41,129 --> 00:17:43,085
"You in the pews choose".
272
00:17:45,249 --> 00:17:47,126
- What's he doing?
- It's a tabloid.
273
00:17:47,289 --> 00:17:49,359
Three words is virtually "War and Peace".
274
00:17:51,009 --> 00:17:53,728
"Pope Idol". Lovely.
275
00:17:53,889 --> 00:17:59,247
Yes. My left foot's no different from my
right, but isn't Pope the wrong church?
276
00:17:59,409 --> 00:18:01,798
Listen.
What I was supposed to be doing today
277
00:18:01,969 --> 00:18:05,166
was writing about the likely
England squad against Albania.
278
00:18:05,329 --> 00:18:09,083
Ah, yes. I'm expecting young Terry Pine
to get his first cap.
279
00:18:09,249 --> 00:18:13,879
For England? Yeah. And David Blunkett's
driving him to training.
280
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:19,203
If I asked you "Is Terry Pine Welsh?"
You'd probably say "Is the Pope Catholic?"
281
00:18:19,369 --> 00:18:21,883
You'd be right about the man in the Vatican,
282
00:18:22,049 --> 00:18:24,802
but you might be wrong
about Britain's best striker.
283
00:18:24,969 --> 00:18:28,439
Today on "Football Focus",
we've come to meet the nan
284
00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:31,601
who may yet make Terry Pine
the man to lead England
285
00:18:31,769 --> 00:18:34,841
in the vital World Cup qualifier
against Albania.
286
00:18:38,129 --> 00:18:40,597
- Hello.
- Hello. Can we come in?
287
00:18:44,689 --> 00:18:49,001
- Daphne Pine, are you Welsh?
- No, I'm not, you cheeky beggar.
288
00:18:50,009 --> 00:18:54,048
She's right. This birth certificate
clearly says "Born Huddersfield".
289
00:18:54,209 --> 00:18:57,884
Today this gets sent
to FIFA Headquarters in Switzerland,
290
00:18:58,049 --> 00:19:00,040
as Terry Pine says...
291
00:19:01,969 --> 00:19:05,325
(STRONG WELSH ACCENT)
I'm English and I want to play for England.
292
00:19:16,049 --> 00:19:20,839
(CHARLES) You know that a priest seeking
ordination is a homosexual. What do you do?
293
00:19:21,009 --> 00:19:23,807
I could not ordain him.
The rules are quite clear.
294
00:19:23,969 --> 00:19:27,518
But in a radio phone-in in June 2001,
you said,
295
00:19:27,689 --> 00:19:31,807
"If a man or a woman is the right vehicle
for Christ's message,
296
00:19:31,969 --> 00:19:35,041
"I'm not going to ask
what petrol they like in their tank."
297
00:19:35,209 --> 00:19:38,997
We could argue all day about how many
angels could dance on the head of a pin,
298
00:19:39,169 --> 00:19:43,845
but I've always tried to combine sympathy
for what a person might like to do
299
00:19:44,009 --> 00:19:46,682
with respect
for what the rules say they should do.
300
00:19:46,849 --> 00:19:50,888
The BBC is going to relax its guidelines
on blasphemies such as "Christ"
301
00:19:51,049 --> 00:19:53,483
in pre-watershed programmes.
What's your view?
302
00:19:53,649 --> 00:19:58,484
Which other business would complain when
people shout out the name above the shop?
303
00:19:58,649 --> 00:20:01,447
- Very good.
- Is that the right kind of tack?
304
00:20:01,609 --> 00:20:05,397
Is the Archbishop of Canterbury an Anglican?
305
00:20:07,169 --> 00:20:12,289
I can't believe he's reneged on the Lambeth
Lunch. He sounded sincere over the linguine.
306
00:20:12,449 --> 00:20:14,440
Never mind. Who's Peggy Mitchell?
307
00:20:14,609 --> 00:20:19,842
It hardly seems relevant, but I buried
a lady of that name when I was a curate.
308
00:20:20,009 --> 00:20:24,127
Answer like that and she'll bury you. She's
one of the most famous women in Britain.
309
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:26,962
- How much is a pint of milk?
- I don't know.
310
00:20:27,129 --> 00:20:29,120
My housekeeper does the shopping.
311
00:20:29,289 --> 00:20:31,280
What's your position on gay priests?
312
00:20:31,449 --> 00:20:34,839
It's absolutely fine for them to be gay...
313
00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:39,321
so long as they don't perform
any gay acts with their partners.
314
00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:43,118
No. That is the Church of England's
official policy.
315
00:20:43,289 --> 00:20:44,961
Jesus Christ! Sorry.
316
00:20:45,129 --> 00:20:50,761
Oh, I'm fairly immune to blasphemy.
Seems to be the way of the world now.
317
00:20:50,929 --> 00:20:55,719
Which other business would complain when
people shout out the name above the shop?
318
00:20:55,889 --> 00:20:57,368
Like it.
319
00:21:00,769 --> 00:21:03,237
(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS)
320
00:21:07,089 --> 00:21:11,526
Hello. You're probably sitting down already,
but if not, I should say "Be seated".
321
00:21:11,689 --> 00:21:16,524
In this live BBC2 special, we're hosting
what the papers are calling "Pope Idol".
322
00:21:16,689 --> 00:21:21,479
Taking part in a live debate, here at
St Botolph-in-the-Meadows in Beaconsfield,
323
00:21:21,649 --> 00:21:24,880
are the two men believed to have
the best chance at becoming...
324
00:21:25,049 --> 00:21:28,803
Only mention God if you have to.
He scored low in the focus groups.
325
00:21:28,969 --> 00:21:30,960
(LAWSON)... the Archbishop of York.
326
00:21:31,129 --> 00:21:32,767
(APPLAUSE)
327
00:21:35,129 --> 00:21:38,121
And going mitre to mitre with him tonight,
328
00:21:38,289 --> 00:21:41,406
the author and broadcaster Timothy
Houseman, Bishop of London.
329
00:21:41,569 --> 00:21:43,605
Remember, forget the Lambeth Lunch.
330
00:21:43,769 --> 00:21:46,158
(APPLAUSE)
331
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:52,285
You're probably expecting three candidates.
332
00:21:52,449 --> 00:21:55,919
Unfortunately, the Bishop of Lancaster
withdrew from the programme
333
00:21:56,089 --> 00:21:59,445
after a newspaper
reported financial irregularities
334
00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:02,567
in a company he ran selling pilgrimages
in the Holy Land.
335
00:22:02,729 --> 00:22:06,927
Bugger! I was relying on Lancaster to take
out London. The Brother Cadfael effect.
336
00:22:07,089 --> 00:22:11,162
It's not that bad.
London's just a spiritual disc-jockey.
337
00:22:11,329 --> 00:22:13,684
He doesn't have the kind of team that...
338
00:22:17,769 --> 00:22:21,682
Come and look at this. Recognise that?
339
00:22:21,849 --> 00:22:25,444
(LAWSON) Our audience will be using
instant preference pressure pads,
340
00:22:25,609 --> 00:22:28,999
which were pioneered
in Labour Party focus groups.
341
00:22:29,169 --> 00:22:34,323
Our questioners may not be the Spanish
Inquisition, but they can be unexpected.
342
00:22:34,489 --> 00:22:36,684
Bestselling author, Rabbi Jacob Rose.
343
00:22:36,849 --> 00:22:41,127
Richard Leonard of the British Humanist
Association, the Archbishop of Nigeria
344
00:22:41,289 --> 00:22:45,202
and Julia Stour, editor of the "Daily News".
345
00:22:45,369 --> 00:22:48,281
I'd like you, Julia,
to cast, as it were, the first stone.
346
00:22:52,889 --> 00:22:57,280
The Bible tells us that Jesus Christ
was of a virgin born. Was he?
347
00:22:57,449 --> 00:23:01,681
- (HEAVENLY CHOIR)
- I think a lot of births are mysterious.
348
00:23:01,849 --> 00:23:06,639
For example, Chrissie in "Holby City"
was unsure for several weeks
349
00:23:06,809 --> 00:23:09,687
about how exactly she had become pregnant.
350
00:23:13,289 --> 00:23:16,918
I think what I'd say... I mean...
351
00:23:18,089 --> 00:23:21,764
For me, I think the point here is...
352
00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:25,444
Look... I think we get too hung up
on the idea
353
00:23:25,609 --> 00:23:30,637
that it's a heavenly lightning from one side
or Joseph getting his end away on the other.
354
00:23:30,809 --> 00:23:35,803
I'm convinced there must be a third way
of looking at the Virgin Birth.
355
00:23:35,969 --> 00:23:38,039
(APPLAUSE)
356
00:23:39,249 --> 00:23:42,525
Our next question is from
the Anglican Archbishop of Nigeria.
357
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:49,163
Blasphemy has become commonplace
in today's society.
358
00:23:49,329 --> 00:23:52,366
People freely say things like
359
00:23:52,529 --> 00:23:56,408
"Christ, Jesus, God" and worse.
360
00:23:56,569 --> 00:23:59,129
Does that upset you?
361
00:23:59,289 --> 00:24:01,723
- (HEAVENLY CHOIR)
- Not at all.
362
00:24:01,889 --> 00:24:06,405
Which other business would complain when
people shout out the name above the shop?
363
00:24:06,569 --> 00:24:09,003
(APPLAUSE)
364
00:24:09,169 --> 00:24:12,798
- Bastard! That's unbelievable.
- What do you mean?
365
00:24:12,969 --> 00:24:14,800
- What?
- I didn't. It wasn't me.
366
00:24:14,969 --> 00:24:17,164
Caroline, scores on the cathedral doors.
367
00:24:17,329 --> 00:24:19,684
Mark, it's getting very interesting.
368
00:24:19,849 --> 00:24:22,647
I'm not sure what
the Church's teaching on gambling is,
369
00:24:22,809 --> 00:24:25,369
but it would be hard to make a book on this.
370
00:24:25,529 --> 00:24:29,044
London's share is 52, York's is 48.
371
00:24:29,209 --> 00:24:33,760
But, remember, only one of them is going
to Canterbury, so keep those calls coming.
372
00:24:39,649 --> 00:24:42,447
Good evening. Small favour.
373
00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:54,440
Ah, we have a supplementary question
from top newspaper editor Julia Stour.
374
00:24:56,769 --> 00:24:58,885
My question is a simple one...
375
00:25:00,049 --> 00:25:02,927
and it's to the Bishop of York.
376
00:25:03,929 --> 00:25:06,602
What do your wife and children mean to you?
377
00:25:08,089 --> 00:25:12,162
It's not a question I can answer.
I'm not a married man.
378
00:25:12,329 --> 00:25:15,526
I chose to devote myself to the Church.
379
00:25:15,689 --> 00:25:19,398
Although the viewers
shouldn't think of you as isolated?
380
00:25:19,569 --> 00:25:24,085
As Priest Training Officer for this diocese,
a lot of men have come through your hands.
381
00:25:25,449 --> 00:25:30,443
- Well, I...
- The African Church asks this.
382
00:25:30,609 --> 00:25:34,966
Are there any heterosexuals
in the Church of England?
383
00:25:35,129 --> 00:25:37,643
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
384
00:25:40,689 --> 00:25:44,682
- OK. We're clear.
- (CACOPHONY OF MOBILE PHONES)
385
00:25:44,849 --> 00:25:46,601
Yeah.
386
00:25:46,769 --> 00:25:48,999
Have they? Oh, shit!
387
00:25:49,169 --> 00:25:53,481
Really? OK, that's a back-page splash.
Stick his head on the end of a leek.
388
00:25:53,649 --> 00:25:57,767
Julia, much thanks. I hope I didn't
bellow too loudly into your earpiece.
389
00:25:57,929 --> 00:26:01,126
- Charles, that was...
- Proof that you can't win them all.
390
00:26:01,289 --> 00:26:05,726
FIFA have ruled that grandmas don't
have enough teeth. Terry Pine is Welsh.
391
00:26:05,889 --> 00:26:08,449
What? Get the FA on the phone.
392
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:11,726
I knew when I first heard him
preach a sermon,
393
00:26:11,889 --> 00:26:14,483
Timothy London had a popular touch.
394
00:26:14,649 --> 00:26:17,243
- He's a tosser.
- It's not as bad as we think.
395
00:26:17,409 --> 00:26:19,684
Charles's fatal flaw is he has to play to win,
396
00:26:19,849 --> 00:26:22,921
but two names
still have to go to Number Ten.
397
00:26:23,089 --> 00:26:26,161
The Prime Minister's
not going to choose some glib character
398
00:26:26,329 --> 00:26:30,641
who's changed his mind about everything
he believes in just to get into power...
399
00:26:31,689 --> 00:26:33,566
- Oh.
- Hm.
400
00:26:34,529 --> 00:26:38,124
- Whose side do you think you're on?
- The winning side.
401
00:26:38,289 --> 00:26:41,008
- Bad business, Charles.
- It's perfectly normal.
402
00:26:41,169 --> 00:26:45,162
Estate agents piss in the sink
and now so have we.
403
00:26:47,289 --> 00:26:51,077
- You've lost on Terry Pine there.
- Who says we've lost? It's a draw.
404
00:26:51,249 --> 00:26:55,367
If I know my soccer ball lingo,
that means we go into extra time.
405
00:26:55,529 --> 00:26:59,647
If you believe this morning's newspapers
saying "Naff Off, Naff Taff"
406
00:26:59,809 --> 00:27:04,246
Terry Pine will have to settle for a dragon
rather than the roar of three lions.
407
00:27:04,409 --> 00:27:07,606
But the choirs in the valleys
shouldn't start singing yet.
408
00:27:07,769 --> 00:27:12,638
I'm here in Cardiff with Terry's dad Dave.
You have something amazing to tell us.
409
00:27:12,809 --> 00:27:16,882
Yes, Ray. FIFA say
that Terry could only play for England
410
00:27:17,049 --> 00:27:19,040
if he had a parent from there.
411
00:27:19,209 --> 00:27:21,518
Well, he has an English dad.
412
00:27:21,689 --> 00:27:24,123
But that accent's as Welsh as Cardiff water.
413
00:27:24,289 --> 00:27:27,326
Yes, but it's not actually that way round.
414
00:27:30,449 --> 00:27:35,159
(TV) Still trying to inspire the Englandattack, but toothless at the moment,
415
00:27:35,329 --> 00:27:37,559
That shock goal at the other end means,,,
416
00:27:37,729 --> 00:27:39,799
- Isn't it dreadful?
- What's that?
417
00:27:39,969 --> 00:27:42,961
That a father is so determined
to get his son an England shirt,
418
00:27:43,129 --> 00:27:48,123
he's willing to admit on TV that he was
cuckolded by a Cockney travel rep in Malaga.
419
00:27:48,289 --> 00:27:53,044
Tell you what's more dreadful - that
a father can pretend that his son isn't his.
420
00:27:53,209 --> 00:27:55,325
So...
421
00:27:55,489 --> 00:27:58,003
Terry Pine's mother never screwed a Cockney.
422
00:27:58,169 --> 00:28:00,729
I invented him to screw the football authorities.
423
00:28:02,489 --> 00:28:07,324
I have a dream in which you're hiding my
hacksawed body parts under your floorboards.
424
00:28:07,489 --> 00:28:10,799
You select the England football team,
pick the Archbishop...
425
00:28:10,969 --> 00:28:13,199
No. They're two quite different things.
426
00:28:13,369 --> 00:28:18,489
Terry Pine was a makeover,
but Archbishop Tim was a takeover.
427
00:28:18,649 --> 00:28:22,642
Sometimes someone's just got it
and you say "I could bottle that."
428
00:28:22,809 --> 00:28:27,166
Sometimes good PR means
being clever enough to change nothing.
429
00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:31,446
(TV) And again the Albanians get a foot in,That was Murati,
430
00:28:31,609 --> 00:28:35,204
Down the right sideand here comes Terry Pine by the touchline,
431
00:28:35,369 --> 00:28:39,362
That's a bad tackle on Hasi,And Terry Pine's already on a yellow,,,
432
00:28:39,529 --> 00:28:43,761
This could mean a sending-off, Beckhamtrying to persuade the referee not to,
433
00:28:43,929 --> 00:28:48,480
A second yellow here, And Erikssonknows this is a red card for Terry Pine,
434
00:28:48,649 --> 00:28:54,804
He's sent off, And Terry Pine's Englanddebut sadly, I'm afraid, ends in disgrace,
435
00:28:54,854 --> 00:28:59,404
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40415
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.