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(jazz music)
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- You're Lilah?
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- [Lilah] Arnold?
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- What's the password?
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- [Lilah] Romeo sent me.
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- He must like you.
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- [Lilah] Did he say that?
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- He sent you to me.
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- He knows I'm desperate.
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- You came to the right man.
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- So, how do we do it?
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- You have money?
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- I didn't know how much I should bring.
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- Five hundred.
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- Jesus.
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- They're 20 bucks a pop.
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I can sell you a package of 25.
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This is prime stuff, guaranteed fresh.
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- Could I see them?
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- No free samples.
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- Look, this is my cookie jar money.
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I've got to see what I'm buying.
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- Never let it be said.
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- What does a Polish girl get that's
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long and hard when she gets married?
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Where's the punchline?
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- That's what you pay me for.
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- Speaking of marriage,
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I'm married to a Polish man.
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I don't know if you know Polish men,
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but he gave me something long and hard
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when we got married.
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You know what?
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- [Male] Yeah, a last name.
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Oh, you heard that one, huh?
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- I hate Wilma Flintstone.
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I want to talk about it.
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I think she's a fucking bitch.
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- I'm from right here in New York,
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from a large family.
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There's 10 kids in my family, man.
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That's a lot of kids.
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My father has stretch marks.
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They're the punch of us.
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- I know you're all staring at me
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thinking my God, look at this girl.
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She looks so much like Diana Ross.
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I can't get over it.
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- I'm going to do an impression
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of Gandhi's mother.
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Sweetheart, please, just a sandwich.
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- My wife bought alligator gloves.
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I said "What are you gonna do
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"with alligator gloves?"
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She said "I'll put them on,
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"I'll tell them I got a skin condition."
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- Have you tried Leech Off?
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Leech Off? Yes.
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Leech Off works naturally
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with hydrochloric acid.
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Just a few drops in each eye,
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you can kiss those leeches goodbye.
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- We were making love the other night.
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I felt he was holding back.
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So I said, "Sweetheart,
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"we've been married for 15 years.
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"When we make love,
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"I don't want you to hold back.
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"I want you to do
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"whatever you want to do."
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So you know what he did?
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He threw up.
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The thing about being married
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to a Polish man
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you'd think that it would be
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like being married to anyone else.
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- [Male] The first physical contact
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I had with a woman
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came very early in life.
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I saw this girl dancing,
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and I went up and bit her on the chest.
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- [Female] Slaughter, huh?
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They're saving the whales.
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They're saving the seals,
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but nobody gives a shit
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when they kill a baby polyester
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just to make a goddamn...
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- [Male] Hollywood's newest concept for
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a wax museum comes from an ear doctor
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who treats the stars.
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- [Male] I don't want to argue with you.
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Please, with the stereotypes.
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Chinese people are excellent drivers.
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Fine, a lot of Jewish people
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pick up a check, fine.
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A lot of Japanese tourists
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have no photo equipment.
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They have big dicks, fine.
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- Listen, you'll like this.
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It works in my history class.
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Okay, Nathan Hale
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who said "I only have one life."
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Listen, I can wait, I'm waiting.
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I have all the time.
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(buzzing)
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(dramatic music)
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- [Taxi driver] Asshole!
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(dramatic music)
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- Excuse me, I'm Steven Gold.
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- Mr. Gold.
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How nice of you to drop by.
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- Sorry I'm late.
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You know, I was up studying all night.
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- That's all right.
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Certainly seems to be paying off
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for you, doesn't it?
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- Sir?
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- On the written portion you got a 98.
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It's the highest grade in the class.
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- I did?
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- Yes, that's quite an accomplishment
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for a student who's been
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on academic probation
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for the last half year.
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- Thank you.
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- I'd call it incredible.
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Wouldn't you?
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Trace the path of digestion, Gold.
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Label everything along the way.
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- Was this on the prep sheet?
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- No, but for a man who scored 98
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on the written test
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this should be no problem.
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Labels please.
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- If I could just say
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a word about labels
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I think that to truly function
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in today's society
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a doctor has to have an understanding
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of the human being as a whole.
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Do you not agree?
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- Oh, I would, uh-hmm.
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- So I could stand here,
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and I could name things.
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I could name the hard palate,
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and soft palate, the pharynx,
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the epiglottis, the oesophagus,
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the stomach, the spleen,
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but that doesn't really begin to
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touch on the fact that
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the gastro-intestinal system,
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which is your specialty,
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Doctor Wishniak, indeed, the field that
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I hope to go into
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is really responsible
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for keeping the whole human being alive.
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The heart, the lungs,
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everything pales by comparison
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because man
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is motivated
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in everything he does by hunger.
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- Popular belief has it that
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man is motivated by sex, Mr. Gold.
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- Let me tell you something.
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You show a starving man
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a beautiful woman and a pizza.
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What do you think he's going to choose?
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Make it an ugly woman and a pizza.
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- Name the parts, Gold.
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If you can't get 100 percent,
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you're not the man who took that test,
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and if you sent someone else in
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to take it for you, you're out!
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- Splenic flexure of
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the transverse colon.
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Greater omentum.
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Vermiform appendix.
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The intestine.
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- What part of the intestine?
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- The large intestine.
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- What part of the large intestine?
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- Well, look...
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- Do you know it or not?
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- Yes, of course I do.
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- Then what is it?
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- The poop chute.
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I call it the poop chute
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because I don't believe
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in shrouding our organs
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in a bunch of mysterious names.
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This is why people are
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afraid of doctors.
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- We're washing you out, Gold.
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- Dr. Wishniak, please.
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I've been under something
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of a time problem this semester.
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I've been working nights.
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- Can I be frank with you?
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There are people with real talent,
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and dedication waiting for
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a spot in this school.
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Now one of them is gonna have yours
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because it serves no purpose to
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let someone like you become
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a practitioner of medicine.
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What good does it do Mr. Gold
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to allow someone with no talent for it
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to treat people with
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life-threatening ailments?
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- Well, it will cut down on
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the number of people with
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life-threatening ailments.
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- Is everything a joke to you?
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- No, it's not, Doctor, I'm sorry.
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I'm sorry, please,
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I'd like another chance.
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- [Dr. Wishniak] Sorry.
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- I can't flunk out.
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- [Dr. Wishniak] You already have.
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- What am I gonna do?
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- This work you do at night,
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is it anything you have a talent for?
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- Rectum!
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(jazz music)
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No, but seriously now
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if the phone does ring and it's for me
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that means it's my father,
228
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and he thinks it's the phone number of
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the dormitory at school,
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so everyone shut up.
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Last week he calls me up.
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He said "Son, I want you to tell me that
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"you're in the top half of your class.
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"Are you in the top half of your class?"
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I'm in the half of the class that made
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the top half of the class possible.
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I know that sounds kind of deceptive,
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you see, but if anyone has pulled
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as many strings as my father has
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you kind of have to break it easy to him
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that you flunked out.
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- Your hair looks great.
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- [Lilah] You think?
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- [Female] It's gonna kill.
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- Oh, thanks.
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- [Percy] Hey, mom.
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- Hi, Percy.
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- Check it out.
249
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- Yeah.
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- It's Lilah time.
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- Hi, Brian.
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- I love your hair.
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- My husband's gonna kill me.
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He hasn't seen it yet.
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- Dump the asshole.
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- It's very mango.
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It's very Zulu, it's very Lucy.
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- Lilah, I talked to my manager,
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and he said that
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you should send him a tape.
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Everybody starting out needs a tape,
262
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and he says that the networks
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they love housewives.
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They're into housewives.
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- Everyone loves housewives.
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That's why Jesus loved Mary.
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It's a true story.
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- Who's got a cigarette?
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- Who's got a tape?
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- Lilah, my friend Sammy
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will make you one for $1 00.
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- [Lilah] Who's got $1 00?
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- You need a tape, trust me.
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- You need a tape.
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- She needs a tape.
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- All right, I need a tape.
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Could someone please do me a big favor,
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and trade places with me tonight?
279
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:35,902
I haven't been home all day.
280
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,362
My husband's really pissed off.
281
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:38,321
- Not me.
282
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:39,155
- Not l.
283
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,156
- [Lilah] Why not?
284
00:11:40,449 --> 00:11:42,242
- Lilah, tonight's the first-come,
285
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,035
first-served night, right?
286
00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:44,869
And you want to
287
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:45,745
right after that Mr. Ball.
288
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:46,871
He gets the audience into a fractured,
289
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:48,415
frenzied, bloodthirsty state,
290
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,500
and I can't follow that.
291
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,044
- [Brian] Zip me.
292
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:54,045
- [Lilah] Who's up now?
293
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:55,839
- The very genuine, the very wonderful,
294
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:59,134
the very stage-hoggy Steven Gold.
295
00:11:59,427 --> 00:12:00,301
- Who's up next?
296
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:01,219
- The very vivacious
297
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,054
Sister Saint Monique.
298
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,098
- Brian, wouldn't you please
299
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:06,850
do me this favor and trade with me?
300
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:07,809
I'll make it up to you.
301
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:08,727
- Beg me.
302
00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:09,561
- Please.
303
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:10,395
- All right.
304
00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:11,229
- Thanks.
305
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:12,063
- Tell Ernie to send me down a drink.
306
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:12,897
- [Lilah] Thanks.
307
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:15,066
- Make it a scotch and soda.
308
00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:16,317
- Why, Sister.
309
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:20,530
- I'm no New Yorker.
310
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,073
I didn't know about the city,
311
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,116
so I had to learn,
312
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:26,035
so I want to take one of these tours.
313
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,455
Got on this tour bus run by this guy,
314
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,374
Tommy Chen, and Tommy didn't know shit
315
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:33,126
about New York City.
316
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:35,503
Tommy Chen was making it up
317
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:36,921
as he went along.
318
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:38,465
"Okay, this right here,
319
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,717
"this Columbus Circle.
320
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,720
"This call Columbus Circle because
321
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,098
"when Columbus came here
322
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,518
"he looked all around."
323
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,854
(laughter)
324
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,487
"You know how subway get its name?
325
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,988
"Subway originally were tunnels
326
00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:03,656
"filled with water.
327
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:05,867
"People travel uptown, downtown,
328
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,869
"on big long submarine.
329
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:10,663
"Hold 300, 400 people,
330
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:13,041
"but they were very slow."
331
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:13,875
- Hi.
332
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:14,667
- How you doing?
333
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:15,502
- I'm Eve.
334
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:16,336
- I'm Lilah.
335
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:20,298
- I know, I saw your stand-up last week.
336
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:22,717
- Is that the week I got a laugh?
337
00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,636
- How long have you been doing it?
338
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:25,678
- 13 weeks and three days,
339
00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:27,388
but who's counting?
340
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:28,723
- I know, it takes time.
341
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:30,600
- Eve, pick it up.
342
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,977
- "Right over there Central Park.
343
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:34,813
"It named after cousin
344
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:37,941
"to very famous Korean Tung Sung Park
345
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,319
"who had another cousin named Prospect,
346
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,655
"but he lived in Brooklyn."
347
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,367
- How long before you get like that?
348
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,910
- Steven?
349
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,246
I'm afraid he was born that way.
350
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,205
- You know him?
351
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:53,832
- Oh, yeah.
352
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:56,751
- [Steven] "And they were from Harlem."
353
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:57,836
- That well?
354
00:13:58,838 --> 00:13:59,963
- Briefly.
355
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,464
Asshole needed a place to stay.
356
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,590
- [Steven] "We don't want to see Harlem.
357
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:03,591
"We don't want to see
358
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:05,218
"poor people in Harlem."
359
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:07,720
- Not a good experience, huh?
360
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,181
- A lot of laughs.
361
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,892
- [Steven] "I can't really blame them.
362
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,436
"Nobody want to see unhappy places.
363
00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:17,939
"Nobody want to see sad places.
364
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,732
"People want to see beautiful places.
365
00:14:20,025 --> 00:14:22,277
"People want to see a beautiful world,
366
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,779
"and I show it to them
367
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,115
"even if I have to fake it.
368
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:31,202
"I'm not just a tour guide.
369
00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:32,829
"I'm a tour stylist."
370
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:33,705
Thank you.
371
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,165
(applause)
372
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:37,917
Thank you very much.
373
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,218
- Steven Gold, ladies and gentlemen.
374
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:49,470
The comedy of Steven Gold.
375
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:51,639
How about that, huh?
376
00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:52,599
A very lovely guy.
377
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,601
A sick guy, but a very lovely guy.
378
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,435
You know you're at
379
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:56,269
the Gas Station, right?
380
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,103
- Hi.
- Hi.
381
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:57,937
- I'm Lilah.
382
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:58,771
- Hi.
383
00:14:59,064 --> 00:14:59,606
- I'm a big fan of yours.
384
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:00,440
I watch you all the time.
385
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:01,983
Maybe you could watch me sometime,
386
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:02,942
and give me some pointers?
387
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:04,110
- Surely, right now I have to
388
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,111
go clean my fish tank.
389
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:06,279
- [Romeo] Basically for lunatics,
390
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:07,530
I want to keep bringing them up here,
391
00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:09,157
whether you like it or not.
392
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:09,991
Are you ready for it?
393
00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:10,825
- [Male] Yeah.
394
00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,201
- All right, let me hear it.
395
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,913
Okay, now the next lady
396
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:16,289
is not very funny,
397
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,041
but she does have
398
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,126
chronic yeast infection,
399
00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:23,129
and she has a Polish husband,
400
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,339
so I don't know which is worse,
401
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:25,715
so let's be nice to her, come on,
402
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:26,716
let's give her a nice big
403
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,176
Gas Station welcome, come on.
404
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:29,344
Ladies and gentlemen,
405
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:30,678
Miss Lilah Krytsick.
406
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,263
Come on, Lilah, come on up here.
407
00:15:32,556 --> 00:15:34,265
Show them what you got.
408
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:39,437
Lilah Krytsick, ladies and gentlemen.
409
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,026
- [Male] Get her a ladder.
410
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,782
- How's that?
411
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:51,616
This is the first time anybody's
412
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,035
asked me to make it smaller.
413
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,165
- Thank you, Romeo.
414
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,461
It's true, my husband is Polish
415
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:04,462
which I, personally,
416
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,506
don't think is very funny,
417
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,007
but if any of you think it's funny
418
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,467
I'd like to tell you that to him
419
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,637
the term "simultaneous orgasm" means:
420
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:16,516
It could happen in the same room.
421
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:18,768
- I don't understand.
422
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:19,936
Kids in the history classes,
423
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,896
they love it, they think it's funny.
424
00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:23,690
- Well, it is funny.
425
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:24,524
It is funny, Jerry,
426
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:25,441
but the audience goes after you
427
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,275
because you let them,
428
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:27,110
and if they do that
429
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,152
you got to fight back.
430
00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:28,987
If a guy heckles you,
431
00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,029
heckle him right back, you know,
432
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,406
use that old joke about his wife.
433
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,908
Excuse me, Sir, but is that your wife?
434
00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:35,368
Do you have any naked pictures of her?
435
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,953
Would you like to buy some?
436
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:37,954
How about naked videos?
437
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:38,997
How about eight-millimeter
438
00:16:39,289 --> 00:16:40,373
pornographic loops?
439
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,041
How about naked pictures of her with me?
440
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:42,875
With farm animals?
441
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:44,419
With ex-cons from New Jersey?
442
00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:46,129
It's an old joke, but it shuts him up,
443
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,839
and the audience gets a laugh, huh?
444
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,048
Attack, Jerry.
445
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:49,882
- Why would he have
446
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,552
naked pictures of his wife?
447
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,262
- Forget everything I just said.
448
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,264
Just forget everything I just said.
449
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:57,098
- Hey, Steven.
450
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:57,932
- [Steven] Yo.
451
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,475
- Hey, could I talk to you?
452
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,561
- [Steven] Well, step into my office.
453
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:02,395
- See you later.
454
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:03,354
- [Steven] Yeah.
455
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:04,188
- Have a good show, yeah?
456
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:05,023
- [Jerry] I will, Sir.
457
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:05,857
- [Romeo] You'll kill them.
458
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:06,691
I know you will.
459
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,151
- [Jerry] See you later.
460
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:09,402
- What do you want?
461
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:10,236
- Are you taking a bath?
462
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,447
- Making a pit stop.
463
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,198
Been sleeping on a couch lately.
464
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:15,408
- Hey, you could use my office.
465
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:16,659
Do you need some money, is that it?
466
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:17,702
- Oh, look, if this...
467
00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:18,619
I can't pay you back
468
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:19,787
if that's what this meeting is about.
469
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:21,205
- Hey, come on, we're friends,
470
00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:22,540
we're like a family here.
471
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:23,332
I'm certainly not gonna ask for
472
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:24,459
money back when you're in a tight spot.
473
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:25,877
- Well, you're a prince.
474
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:26,919
- [Romeo] No, but I take
475
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:27,962
care of my people.
476
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:28,796
- You are a saint.
477
00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:30,131
- Yeah, like I took care of Robyn Green.
478
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:30,965
- You are God.
479
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:32,300
- Hey, two years, I took him
480
00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,760
through hard times, I did,
481
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,136
and what happened?
482
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,929
One night, a talent scout walks in,
483
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:38,973
"Goodbye, Romeo."
484
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:40,433
Not a thank you, not even a postcard.
485
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:41,809
- [Steven] Not a 10 percent commission.
486
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:42,769
- This is not about money.
487
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:43,770
He hurt my feelings.
488
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:44,937
- It is about money.
489
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:46,522
You pack this place up, Romeo,
490
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:47,940
and you pay us $15 a set.
491
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,025
- Yes, and then you get discovered,
492
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:49,901
and what happens to me?
493
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:50,818
I'm still here.
494
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:51,652
- Where you rake it in,
495
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:52,487
while we're selling
496
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:53,696
our blood to the Red Cross.
497
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:54,530
Don't tell us about
498
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:55,364
any big favors you do.
499
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:56,365
- Hey, I could have turned
500
00:17:56,658 --> 00:17:57,200
this place into a garage.
501
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,409
- [Steven] Well, why the hell didn't you?
502
00:17:58,702 --> 00:17:59,285
- I'll tell you why
503
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:00,620
because God helped me, I love comics.
504
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:01,579
- [Steven] Oh, Jesus.
505
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:02,538
Cut to the chase, cut to the chase.
506
00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:03,456
- What chase, what's he talking about?
507
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:04,290
- Cut to the chase.
508
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:05,541
You want to be my agent?
509
00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:06,584
You want 10 percent of
510
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:07,877
the $15 you pay me?
511
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:08,711
- Is that a problem?
512
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,546
- The $12 I get for selling my blood?
513
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:11,672
- [Romeo] You know, I'm a very rich man.
514
00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:13,257
- I've been selling off my whole body.
515
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:14,509
Usually you have to wait 'til you die.
516
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,343
Well, they're making
517
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:16,594
a special case for me.
518
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,137
I got $8 for a lung,
519
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:19,472
I got two and a half dollars for
520
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,515
a pound of my liver.
521
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:21,682
I've been selling my sperm to
522
00:18:21,975 --> 00:18:22,725
a fertility clinic, you know that?
523
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:24,060
Yeah-yeah, the sperm bank has
524
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:25,353
a night-deposit slot.
525
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:26,479
I'm making a fuckin' fortune.
526
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:27,396
I'm just getting tired of sticking
527
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:28,731
my dick in a cold metal machine.
528
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:29,565
- That's funny stuff.
529
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:30,399
- And you're laughing at that.
530
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:31,234
- Write it down, it's funny.
531
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,610
- I have written it down.
532
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:33,528
- Steven.
533
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:38,699
I want you to remember me, that's all.
534
00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:40,076
- Who's Madeline Urie?
535
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:41,160
- She provides talent for all
536
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,079
the major networks.
537
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,330
She scouts for Letterman.
538
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:45,540
She scouts for Carson.
539
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:46,874
She saw your first show.
540
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,210
She wants to see you again.
541
00:18:50,712 --> 00:18:51,796
- Is this for real?
542
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,548
- She's upstairs right this minute
543
00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:54,966
waiting for you.
544
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,223
- Why didn't you just say so?
545
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:03,766
What should I do?
546
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,017
I'll do the subway stuff.
- No, no.
547
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:05,852
- I'll do the medical stuff.
548
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:06,686
- The medical stuff.
549
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:07,520
- I'll do the medical stuff.
550
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:08,354
- Do up your fly is what you got to do.
551
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:09,188
- Well, we're trying to
552
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:10,022
impress her, aren't we?
553
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:10,857
- I want you to have some
money in your pocket.
554
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:11,691
- I don't need any money.
555
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:12,525
- [Romeo] Put this in your pocket.
556
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:13,359
- I don't need any money, no, no, no.
557
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,027
- [Romeo] I'm telling you it
will make you feel strong.
558
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,070
- You do a lot of interesting things
559
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:16,863
in medical school.
560
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,531
You play a lot of really
fascinating games.
561
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,783
There's "Name that Organ."
562
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:23,536
It's small, it's shaped like
563
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:24,495
a swimming pool.
564
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:27,373
I'm gonna guess kidney, am I right?
565
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:28,207
Of course, you had to go to
566
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:29,292
medical school for a really long time.
567
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:30,126
- What do you mean
568
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:30,960
you don't know his name?
569
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:31,794
We've had the same pediatrician
570
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:32,628
for eight years.
571
00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:33,921
How could you not know his name?
572
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:36,924
- Lilah, I have to call my manager.
573
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:38,968
- How high?
574
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,596
Is she up, could I talk to her?
575
00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:42,847
Would you put her on please?
576
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:43,681
- Lilah, listen,
577
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:44,515
there's a talent coordinator here,
578
00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:45,433
and I want to find out who it is.
579
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:46,350
- Heidi.
580
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:49,103
Heidi, honey.
581
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:49,937
Tell me what's the matter?
582
00:19:50,230 --> 00:19:50,771
- [Steven] There's a very
583
00:19:51,064 --> 00:19:51,939
important class in medical school.
584
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:53,149
- When did it start?
585
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:55,401
- advanced Bedside Manner.
586
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,154
This class teaches you
587
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,199
how not to do a shudder-take
588
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:02,950
when you know your patient
589
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,368
is going to die.
590
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:07,246
Well, let's see, we just got
591
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,290
these X-rays back from the lab.
592
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,167
Let's take a...
593
00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,502
(laughter)
594
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:20,676
- Taxi!
595
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:23,638
Taxi!
596
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,059
Roll down the window.
597
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,061
- I'm going to the garage.
598
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:30,895
How far you going?
599
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:32,146
- [Lilah] Just a couple of
600
00:20:32,439 --> 00:20:33,189
blocks down the street.
601
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,691
- All right, get in, come on.
602
00:20:39,947 --> 00:20:41,405
- I lied, I'm going to Jersey,
603
00:20:41,698 --> 00:20:42,490
and I've got your name,
604
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,617
and your identification number.
605
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,702
Mr. Hadji Gonzales, you better take me
606
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:47,536
where I want to go,
607
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,247
or your job goes right in the crapper.
608
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:50,248
- Oh, lady.
609
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,963
- ♫ I say my prayers each night
610
00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:01,342
♫ To make my soul a little cleaner
611
00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:04,053
♫ Then I get up in the morning
612
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:07,682
♫ Try to catch me a novena
613
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:11,477
♫ I'm the envy of everyone
614
00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:15,022
♫ Especially the Catholics
615
00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:17,483
"Eat your heart out Nell Carter
616
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:19,318
♫ 'Cause I'm married to the fella
617
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:22,655
♫ Who's on the crucifix
618
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:23,739
- But I figured this is the perfect way
619
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,200
to get back at this tight-assed bitch.
620
00:21:26,493 --> 00:21:27,034
She'll come in,
621
00:21:27,327 --> 00:21:28,577
she'll see this amputated member from
622
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,329
the male cadaver stuck up between
623
00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:31,497
the legs of the female cadaver,
624
00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:33,374
so I do it, fuck, I don't care.
625
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:34,458
She comes in the next day,
626
00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:35,751
and looks at it.
627
00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:37,670
She says "Wow, I see one of you
628
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,338
"gentlemen left in a hurry last night."
629
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:41,549
I'm dead, I'm gone, I'm laughing.
630
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:42,717
To me this is the highlight
631
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:43,843
of my semester.
632
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,636
- You really did go to medical school.
633
00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:47,263
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, in fact,
634
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:48,889
my father thinks I'm still there.
635
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:51,142
- [Madeline] Well, how can that be?
636
00:21:51,435 --> 00:21:52,518
- Well, he lives in Chicago,
637
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,228
and I live here.
638
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,063
My ex-roommates cover for me.
639
00:21:56,356 --> 00:21:56,897
If my father calls
640
00:21:57,190 --> 00:21:57,982
they leave me a message on my service,
641
00:21:58,275 --> 00:21:59,025
so it all works out.
642
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,901
- How long has this been going on?
643
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:02,737
- All year, a full year.
644
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:06,324
I figure I can hold on 'til spring.
645
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,451
- What happens then?
646
00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:09,910
- I don't know.
647
00:22:10,203 --> 00:22:11,662
I was kind of hoping that something
648
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:14,206
would come along and replace it,
649
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:16,584
you know, like, gee, dad,
650
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:17,752
I'm not gonna be a heart surgeon
651
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:19,337
like you or my brother after all,
652
00:22:19,629 --> 00:22:21,339
but I am gonna be a star.
653
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:22,173
- [Madeline] Yeah,
654
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,300
you are gonna be a star.
655
00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:25,384
- Oh, you think so?
656
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:27,303
- [Madeline] Absolutely.
657
00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:28,262
- And you're in a position
658
00:22:28,555 --> 00:22:31,015
to know about such things?
659
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:34,101
- That's what they pay me for, yeah.
660
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:37,897
- So what are you gonna do?
661
00:22:38,982 --> 00:22:42,818
- Send someone on down here to see you.
662
00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:43,736
- Who?
663
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:45,988
- Can't say.
664
00:22:48,241 --> 00:22:49,742
- Okay.
665
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,243
When?
666
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:53,746
- I think it's better if I don't tell.
667
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:54,747
- [Steven] It's that much of
668
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,165
a mystery, is it?
669
00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,793
- Isn't life more fun that way?
670
00:23:00,128 --> 00:23:02,588
- Lady, I've been coming down here
671
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,341
for 18 months, 18 months,
672
00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:07,385
and I have not missed a night.
673
00:23:07,677 --> 00:23:08,302
I take the money that
674
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:09,178
my father sends me,
675
00:23:09,471 --> 00:23:10,513
and I pay for a shrink,
676
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:11,597
and I buy groceries.
677
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:13,015
Now, I owe my shrink,
678
00:23:13,308 --> 00:23:15,684
and I'm behind in my rent.
679
00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:16,811
My roommate's a bastard.
680
00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:18,187
He's changed the locks on my front door.
681
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,188
I can't get in.
682
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,190
He won't give me a key until I pay him.
683
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:23,401
You want to play games, I can play games.
684
00:23:23,693 --> 00:23:24,318
I can play games.
685
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:25,152
I can play ventriloquist
686
00:23:25,445 --> 00:23:26,362
with my underwear.
687
00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:27,196
I can play darts
688
00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:28,989
while maintaining an erection.
689
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:29,824
I can gargle dishwater,
690
00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:32,118
and fart O Canada at the same time.
691
00:23:32,411 --> 00:23:32,910
I can play the piano
692
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:34,453
without being popular.
693
00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:35,287
I once had this dream.
694
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:36,288
I was dancing on a street corner
695
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,331
with a jackhammer up my ass.
696
00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:38,249
Now that's either a sex dream,
697
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:40,584
or I need more fiber in my diet.
698
00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:41,502
If any of this is turning you on
699
00:23:41,795 --> 00:23:43,003
just let me know.
700
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,674
- [Madeline] Is this a joke?
701
00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,678
- If you're sending someone down,
702
00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:51,512
you better send him fast
703
00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:54,432
'cause funny Steve is going under.
704
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:58,978
- ♫ Here's hoping your tomorrow is grand
705
00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:00,271
♫ It's been great to
706
00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:02,815
♫ Entertain you for a while
707
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:06,026
♫ In your book of memories
708
00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:09,363
♫ Keep the name Billy Lane
709
00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:12,950
♫ Remember this night
710
00:24:13,243 --> 00:24:15,369
♫ And smile
711
00:24:17,581 --> 00:24:19,623
I love you, ladies and gentlemen,
712
00:24:19,916 --> 00:24:21,750
but the love of my life
713
00:24:22,043 --> 00:24:23,919
is the lady named Comedy.
714
00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:33,804
- This is a really good one, Mom.
715
00:24:34,097 --> 00:24:35,347
It's really funny.
716
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:36,432
- Oh, really?
717
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,517
- I got a knot in my hair.
718
00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:39,852
Mom, could you help me?
719
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:40,686
- Just a second.
720
00:24:40,979 --> 00:24:41,520
- Ow.
721
00:24:41,813 --> 00:24:43,397
- Who is the most popular actor
722
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:44,940
in the Bible?
723
00:24:45,233 --> 00:24:45,774
- [Carrie] I can't believe it.
724
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:47,193
Mom, it's the one day
725
00:24:47,486 --> 00:24:48,819
I needed to be there on time.
726
00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:49,653
- [Lilah] Well, just tell her
727
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:50,738
your mother overslept.
728
00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:51,864
- Do you want to hear it, Mom?
729
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,074
- You didn't come to bed last night.
730
00:24:54,367 --> 00:24:55,242
- No, I sat up with Heidi.
731
00:24:55,535 --> 00:24:56,619
Did Jenny even get home?
732
00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:57,870
- [Carrie] Yeah, after midnight.
733
00:24:58,163 --> 00:24:58,704
- Forget the eggs, honey,
734
00:24:58,997 --> 00:24:59,705
I don't have time.
735
00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:00,664
- Who's the most popular actor
736
00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:01,499
in the Bible?
737
00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:02,333
- [John] Where's the coffee?
738
00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:03,250
- [Carrie] There's no
water in the kitchen.
739
00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:04,376
- Why is there no water in the kitchen?
740
00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:06,045
- It's on in the bathroom, no big deal.
741
00:25:06,338 --> 00:25:07,630
- Guess, Mom, take a guess.
742
00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:08,547
- You intend to cook
743
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:09,590
with bathwater tonight?
744
00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:10,549
Did you forget we're having
745
00:25:10,842 --> 00:25:12,009
people over for dinner?
746
00:25:12,302 --> 00:25:12,927
- Morning.
747
00:25:13,220 --> 00:25:15,346
Mom, what did you do to your hair?
748
00:25:15,639 --> 00:25:16,180
- You forgot about tonight.
749
00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:19,058
- Oh, Mom, you got egg in my hair.
750
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:19,892
- I think it's a grown-up one.
751
00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:21,101
- I told you about it two weeks ago.
752
00:25:21,394 --> 00:25:22,478
Walter Robie, the church account,
753
00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:23,687
or has my business
754
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,523
become completely unimportant to you?
755
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:26,440
- Was that tonight?
756
00:25:26,733 --> 00:25:27,274
- Something wrong with tonight?
757
00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:28,442
- [Jenny] I'm eating at Susie's tonight.
758
00:25:28,735 --> 00:25:29,443
- You're staying home tonight.
759
00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:30,277
- [Jenny] It's Friday night,
760
00:25:30,570 --> 00:25:31,111
we're going to a movie.
761
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:32,196
- I said you're staying home tonight.
762
00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:33,697
- Is someone coming tonight?
763
00:25:33,990 --> 00:25:35,366
- Give me the brush, I'll do it myself.
764
00:25:35,659 --> 00:25:36,408
- All right, all right,
765
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:37,409
I want you to do it anyway.
766
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:38,452
You do it much better.
767
00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:39,995
Since Heidi is feeling better
768
00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:41,038
I just thought that...
769
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:41,872
- You weren't planning on
770
00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:42,998
going out again tonight?
771
00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:45,876
- No, no, no, it was this afternoon.
772
00:25:46,169 --> 00:25:46,961
There's this guy
773
00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:48,170
who does these videotapes.
774
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:49,004
- I'm talking about tonight.
775
00:25:49,297 --> 00:25:50,506
- I'm talking about cooking.
776
00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:51,549
- Stop arguing.
777
00:25:51,841 --> 00:25:53,676
- [Jenny] I'll call you from Susie's.
778
00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:54,843
- I want you home from school,
779
00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:55,928
young lady, you hear me?
780
00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:56,762
- Cut it out!
781
00:25:57,055 --> 00:25:58,222
- [Lilah] You do not
live at Susie's house.
782
00:25:58,515 --> 00:26:00,057
- Is this gonna be every day now, Lilah?
783
00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:01,892
And every night now?
784
00:26:02,185 --> 00:26:02,726
When you first asked
785
00:26:03,019 --> 00:26:04,311
it was to get it out your system,
786
00:26:04,604 --> 00:26:05,896
but now look what the hell is happening.
787
00:26:06,189 --> 00:26:07,356
Three nights last week.
788
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:08,899
How many this week, how many next?
789
00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:10,359
- Stop it!
790
00:26:10,652 --> 00:26:11,360
- What do you want?
791
00:26:11,653 --> 00:26:12,403
- A wife.
792
00:26:12,696 --> 00:26:13,237
- For dinner,
793
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:15,656
what do you want for dinner?
794
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:17,241
- [Jenny] I forgot my gym shorts.
795
00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:18,617
- No favors, okay.
796
00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,412
I can take my clients out to Jumbo Jack,
797
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:22,913
or we can boil bags of
798
00:26:23,206 --> 00:26:23,831
Stouffer's together.
799
00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:24,915
I'm getting real good at that, you know,
800
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:26,959
Jumbo Jacks and Stouffer's succotash.
801
00:26:27,252 --> 00:26:27,835
- He is.
802
00:26:28,128 --> 00:26:29,253
- And maybe after dinner
803
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:30,254
I can go down to that hole,
804
00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:31,171
and watch my wife make
805
00:26:31,464 --> 00:26:32,631
a foul-mouthed jackass of herself.
806
00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:34,466
- You've never even seen me.
807
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:35,551
- Whose fault is that?
808
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,344
- You said you understood about that.
809
00:26:37,637 --> 00:26:38,762
- Well, I don't.
810
00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:42,808
- I couldn't be the way I need to be
811
00:26:43,101 --> 00:26:43,851
if you were there.
812
00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:44,685
- [John] Which is what?
813
00:26:44,978 --> 00:26:45,894
- Different.
814
00:26:46,187 --> 00:26:46,729
- From what?
815
00:26:47,022 --> 00:26:47,730
- From what I am right here.
816
00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:48,606
- What the hell is wrong with
817
00:26:48,898 --> 00:26:49,732
what you are right here?
818
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:51,525
- [Jenny] Who took my gym shorts?
819
00:26:51,818 --> 00:26:52,985
- They're in Carrie's drawer.
820
00:26:53,278 --> 00:26:54,153
- [Jenny] What are they doing
821
00:26:54,446 --> 00:26:55,487
in Carrie's drawer?
822
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:56,780
- Coral put them there.
823
00:26:57,073 --> 00:26:57,865
- These people I've invited
824
00:26:58,158 --> 00:26:59,325
they want to meet my family.
825
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:00,659
That's the way church people are.
826
00:27:00,952 --> 00:27:01,660
If they like your family,
827
00:27:01,953 --> 00:27:02,745
then they like to do business with you.
828
00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:05,122
They have 17 churches I could insure,
829
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,666
and Jerry and I need the business.
830
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:09,043
Now Bunny does this for Jerry.
831
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:10,961
She cooks for clients.
832
00:27:12,172 --> 00:27:13,422
- What time?
- 8:30.
833
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:14,465
- I'll be here.
- Thank you.
834
00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:16,425
- You're welcome.
- Carrie.
835
00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:17,593
- [Jenny] I need lunch money.
836
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:18,677
- [John] I need money, too.
837
00:27:18,970 --> 00:27:20,429
- My wallet, it's...
838
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:22,473
- Where is it?
839
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:23,766
- I've got 20 bucks.
840
00:27:24,059 --> 00:27:26,769
- I need 50 'til I get to the bank.
841
00:27:29,230 --> 00:27:30,648
- I have a dollar.
842
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:32,399
- Lilah?
843
00:27:34,110 --> 00:27:35,444
- It was my money, I saved it.
844
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:36,695
- Where is it?
845
00:27:37,781 --> 00:27:38,739
Lilah?
846
00:27:39,032 --> 00:27:40,324
- I spent it.
847
00:27:40,617 --> 00:27:41,784
- On what?
848
00:27:42,077 --> 00:27:43,202
- Something I needed.
849
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,329
- $500, what did you buy?
850
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:52,836
- Jokes.
851
00:27:56,299 --> 00:27:57,341
- This is like living with
852
00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:58,676
a goddamn junkie.
853
00:27:58,968 --> 00:28:01,595
- Family in crisis, see you later.
854
00:28:06,351 --> 00:28:07,976
- Were they good?
855
00:28:08,269 --> 00:28:08,977
- Not very.
856
00:28:10,271 --> 00:28:13,774
- We were gonna go away with that money.
857
00:28:14,067 --> 00:28:14,900
You said you were saving it,
858
00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:17,653
so the two of us could get away.
859
00:28:18,613 --> 00:28:19,738
- I've got one, Mom.
860
00:28:20,031 --> 00:28:21,907
You can have it for free.
861
00:28:23,743 --> 00:28:24,660
- I'm sorry.
862
00:28:25,704 --> 00:28:26,787
- It's not that I don't want you
863
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:28,455
to be happy, Lilah.
864
00:28:30,417 --> 00:28:33,502
I just don't know what the hell to do.
865
00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:38,882
- Bye, Mom.
866
00:28:47,934 --> 00:28:49,226
- The answer is Samson.
867
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:50,060
- What?
868
00:28:50,353 --> 00:28:50,894
- He's the most popular
869
00:28:51,187 --> 00:28:53,397
actor in the Bible, know why?
870
00:28:54,649 --> 00:28:56,984
- No, sweetheart, I don't know why.
871
00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,903
- 'Cause he brought the house down.
872
00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:00,779
- Hmm.
873
00:29:04,659 --> 00:29:07,494
- I guess it's not grown-up enough.
874
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:11,248
- Look, Randy, don't be a prick,
875
00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:12,082
all right?
876
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:13,250
The lady's crazy about me.
877
00:29:13,543 --> 00:29:14,084
She's bringing the main guy down
878
00:29:14,377 --> 00:29:14,918
to see me tonight,
879
00:29:15,211 --> 00:29:16,879
so screw the back rent, man,
880
00:29:17,172 --> 00:29:17,963
I'm gonna be rich.
881
00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,924
I'm gonna get discovered tonight.
882
00:29:21,217 --> 00:29:21,842
Yeah.
883
00:29:22,802 --> 00:29:24,803
No, I can't, I don't, what?
884
00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:26,555
All right, okay, I'm doing a nooner
885
00:29:26,848 --> 00:29:27,473
in Queens today.
886
00:29:27,766 --> 00:29:30,601
I can give you $100, but that's it.
887
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:31,935
I can't give you $800.
888
00:29:32,228 --> 00:29:34,813
Where the fuck am I gonna get $800?
889
00:29:35,106 --> 00:29:35,814
So sell the fucking stereo,
890
00:29:36,107 --> 00:29:37,733
I don't care.
891
00:29:38,026 --> 00:29:39,234
Look, if you're gonna lock me out
892
00:29:39,527 --> 00:29:40,861
of my own house just do me
893
00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:41,737
a favor will you?
894
00:29:42,030 --> 00:29:42,821
Feed the birds that are outside
895
00:29:43,114 --> 00:29:43,864
the window for me.
896
00:29:44,157 --> 00:29:44,698
Give them some of your food.
897
00:29:44,991 --> 00:29:45,532
That's what I did.
898
00:29:45,825 --> 00:29:48,494
Randy, don't, oh, fuck you!
899
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:49,995
- What an asshole!
900
00:29:50,288 --> 00:29:51,455
Steve,
901
00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:52,956
Steve, you know some guy named Arnold?
902
00:29:53,249 --> 00:29:53,791
- [Steven] Yeah.
903
00:29:54,083 --> 00:29:54,708
- Sells jokes?
904
00:29:55,001 --> 00:29:55,584
- [Steven] Yes, yes, why?
905
00:29:55,877 --> 00:29:58,128
- I'm looking for him.
906
00:29:58,421 --> 00:29:59,671
- You want to buy some jokes?
907
00:29:59,964 --> 00:30:01,298
- [Lilah] Sell some.
908
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:03,509
- Oh, you've gotten that good, have you?
909
00:30:03,802 --> 00:30:04,968
- Back, sell some back.
910
00:30:05,261 --> 00:30:07,805
- [Steven] Oh, they didn't work.
911
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:09,723
- No, not for me they didn't.
912
00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:10,724
- Well, a joke's a joke, babe.
913
00:30:11,017 --> 00:30:12,184
You just bought from the wrong guy.
914
00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:14,436
Hey, Pedro, give me something awful.
915
00:30:14,729 --> 00:30:16,730
Are you having lunch?
916
00:30:17,023 --> 00:30:17,648
- Sure.
917
00:30:17,941 --> 00:30:18,607
- [Pedro] Spaghetti special?
918
00:30:18,900 --> 00:30:19,900
- Sounds awful enough for me.
919
00:30:20,193 --> 00:30:21,401
One for the lady.
920
00:30:27,283 --> 00:30:28,742
- Do you recognise me?
921
00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:29,910
- [Steven] Of course, why?
922
00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:32,538
- Uh-huh, I don't know,
923
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,873
you aren't usually this nice.
924
00:30:35,166 --> 00:30:37,376
- Well, I'll tell you a secret about me.
925
00:30:37,669 --> 00:30:38,710
I get jealous when I see somebody
926
00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:40,003
who's got it up on stage.
927
00:30:40,296 --> 00:30:41,421
I can't help it.
928
00:30:43,466 --> 00:30:44,174
- Me?
929
00:30:44,467 --> 00:30:45,425
- Yeah, you, with five minutes of
930
00:30:45,718 --> 00:30:46,260
the right material,
931
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:47,970
you'd be un-fucking-believable.
932
00:30:48,263 --> 00:30:49,346
You've got that thing.
933
00:30:49,639 --> 00:30:51,932
People love you on stage, you know that.
934
00:30:52,225 --> 00:30:52,933
- You mean it?
935
00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:55,352
- All you need is the right gags, so...
936
00:30:55,645 --> 00:30:56,728
- [Lilah] You know, I try to
937
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:58,438
write my own jokes like last night...
938
00:30:58,731 --> 00:30:59,273
- But what are we here for
939
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:00,524
but to help each other out, huh?
940
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:02,651
- [Lilah] You'd be
willing to do this for me?
941
00:31:02,944 --> 00:31:03,485
- Sure, yes, yeah.
942
00:31:03,778 --> 00:31:06,488
Where are you from, Jersey?
943
00:31:06,781 --> 00:31:07,322
Jersey?
944
00:31:07,615 --> 00:31:08,156
- Yeah, I'm from Jersey.
945
00:31:08,449 --> 00:31:08,991
- [Steven] Okay, do you have any kids,
946
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:09,825
or anything?
947
00:31:10,118 --> 00:31:10,784
- Yeah, I've got three kids.
948
00:31:11,077 --> 00:31:11,827
- Three kids, great.
949
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:12,661
- [Lilah] My feeling is that...
950
00:31:12,954 --> 00:31:14,204
- What did this Arnold guy
951
00:31:14,497 --> 00:31:15,455
charge you for?
952
00:31:15,748 --> 00:31:16,874
- [Lilah] $500.
953
00:31:17,166 --> 00:31:17,708
- Okay, all right,
954
00:31:18,001 --> 00:31:19,418
this is the right ballpark.
955
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:21,003
Now, Jersey, three kids,
956
00:31:21,296 --> 00:31:21,795
there's something there.
957
00:31:22,088 --> 00:31:24,673
- Look, I couldn't pay you right away.
958
00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:26,800
I mean, I could pay you.
959
00:31:27,093 --> 00:31:27,634
I could pay you,
960
00:31:27,927 --> 00:31:29,177
I just couldn't pay you right away.
961
00:31:29,470 --> 00:31:32,723
- Yeah, how long does spaghetti take?
962
00:31:33,016 --> 00:31:34,808
- If I could find Arnold,
963
00:31:35,101 --> 00:31:36,226
I could pay you right away.
964
00:31:36,519 --> 00:31:39,605
- Yeah, well, forget it, it's all right.
965
00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:44,234
- Look, I spent my vacation money.
966
00:31:44,527 --> 00:31:46,653
My husband's and mine.
967
00:31:46,946 --> 00:31:48,363
- Well, you got your priorities then,
968
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:49,197
don't you?
969
00:31:49,490 --> 00:31:50,198
So spend your money on your vacation,
970
00:31:50,491 --> 00:31:52,743
and don't worry about jokes.
971
00:31:53,036 --> 00:31:55,704
I mean, it's not that important to you.
972
00:31:55,997 --> 00:31:58,123
- It's very important to me.
973
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:03,253
- What do you need it for?
974
00:32:03,546 --> 00:32:04,671
- Ask my shrink.
975
00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:07,883
Cheese,
976
00:32:08,176 --> 00:32:08,800
cheese.
977
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:21,438
- You didn't mean it, did you?
978
00:32:21,731 --> 00:32:23,231
- Yes, I did.
979
00:32:23,524 --> 00:32:24,775
- That I've got something?
980
00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,193
- That I would sell you jokes.
981
00:32:26,486 --> 00:32:28,487
Do you want to buy some?
982
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:31,406
- Not from you, you piece of crap.
983
00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:33,951
How do you get off treating people
984
00:32:34,243 --> 00:32:35,327
like this all the time, huh?
985
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:36,286
You know, I don't see your name
986
00:32:36,579 --> 00:32:37,579
up in lights over there.
987
00:32:37,872 --> 00:32:39,539
So what if you're funny?
988
00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:42,292
If that's all you are, so what?
989
00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:43,335
Jesus, no wonder you're
990
00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:44,169
there every night.
991
00:32:44,462 --> 00:32:45,003
You know what?
992
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:45,837
You've got nothing else to do,
993
00:32:46,130 --> 00:32:47,005
that's it.
994
00:32:47,298 --> 00:32:48,507
- Hey, Pedro, hold the spaghetti.
995
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,425
Bring this lady that testicle salad.
996
00:32:50,718 --> 00:32:51,760
That ball-buster special.
997
00:32:52,053 --> 00:32:54,846
You know, the one with the fork.
998
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:55,681
- If they're yours,
999
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:56,932
I'll need a pair of tweezers.
1000
00:32:57,225 --> 00:32:58,934
- Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha.
1001
00:32:59,227 --> 00:33:00,560
- I thought you'd like that.
1002
00:33:00,853 --> 00:33:03,814
Everything's a great big joke to you.
1003
00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:04,731
- Lady,
1004
00:33:05,984 --> 00:33:08,402
nothing is a joke to me.
1005
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:10,153
That's why I do stand-up comedy,
1006
00:33:10,446 --> 00:33:12,489
and that's why you don't.
1007
00:33:12,782 --> 00:33:13,824
Yours is $1.50.
1008
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:20,414
- Wait.
1009
00:33:21,874 --> 00:33:22,624
Hey!
1010
00:33:28,548 --> 00:33:29,256
What do you mean?
1011
00:33:29,549 --> 00:33:30,382
- Oh, lady, please.
1012
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:31,216
- No, you said nothing was
1013
00:33:31,509 --> 00:33:32,092
a joke to you,
1014
00:33:32,385 --> 00:33:33,010
now what do you mean by that?
1015
00:33:33,302 --> 00:33:33,844
- Lady, I have to be somewhere,
1016
00:33:34,137 --> 00:33:34,678
and I'm running late,
1017
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:35,512
so you'll pardon me.
1018
00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:36,638
- You don't like women, is that it?
1019
00:33:36,931 --> 00:33:37,472
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
1020
00:33:37,765 --> 00:33:38,306
- I see you help Mister Ball.
1021
00:33:38,599 --> 00:33:39,182
- Mister Ball's got guts.
1022
00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:40,058
- And I don't?
1023
00:33:40,351 --> 00:33:41,685
- You got gall, not guts.
1024
00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:43,228
You stand up, you tell dirty jokes.
1025
00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:45,188
What does it have to do with you?
1026
00:33:45,481 --> 00:33:46,023
Are you a sexpot?
1027
00:33:46,315 --> 00:33:46,982
Give me a break,
1028
00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:48,066
you're a Jersey housewife
1029
00:33:48,359 --> 00:33:49,234
with snot-nosed kids.
1030
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:50,694
A car that won't start.
1031
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:51,653
You tell me about that.
1032
00:33:51,946 --> 00:33:53,196
That's what takes guts,
1033
00:33:53,489 --> 00:33:54,239
and that's what you don't have.
1034
00:33:54,532 --> 00:33:55,866
Am I making myself clear?
1035
00:33:56,159 --> 00:33:56,992
- I've gotten laughs.
1036
00:33:57,285 --> 00:33:58,702
- [Steven] Fine, then
take them and go home.
1037
00:33:58,995 --> 00:33:59,536
- I want to learn.
1038
00:33:59,829 --> 00:34:00,829
- Lady, it takes every night.
1039
00:34:01,122 --> 00:34:02,956
Six clubs a night, all night.
1040
00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:04,166
It takes working stag parties,
1041
00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:05,751
and Elks Club banquets
1042
00:34:06,044 --> 00:34:06,585
where you open for
1043
00:34:06,878 --> 00:34:07,419
a fucking accordion player.
1044
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,336
- I don't have time for all that.
1045
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:09,463
- Well how about right now?
1046
00:34:09,756 --> 00:34:10,422
I'm going off to Queens.
1047
00:34:10,715 --> 00:34:11,631
You want to come learn something?
1048
00:34:11,924 --> 00:34:12,549
You can learn.
1049
00:34:12,842 --> 00:34:13,383
- Are you serious?
1050
00:34:13,676 --> 00:34:14,509
- Yes, I'm serious, are you?
1051
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:15,719
- Uh, Uh...
1052
00:34:16,012 --> 00:34:17,554
- I guess not.
1053
00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:19,931
- I'm cooking for a dinner party.
1054
00:34:20,224 --> 00:34:23,268
- Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.
1055
00:34:28,357 --> 00:34:29,649
- What if it isn't funny?
1056
00:34:29,942 --> 00:34:30,859
You tell me to talk about my life,
1057
00:34:31,152 --> 00:34:32,569
but what if my life isn't funny?
1058
00:34:32,862 --> 00:34:34,237
- All of our lives are funny, babe.
1059
00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:36,573
We're God's animated cartoons.
1060
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:37,407
What about your husband?
1061
00:34:37,700 --> 00:34:38,492
There's got to be some laughs there.
1062
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:39,326
- Not mine.
1063
00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:40,911
- I bet there is, what does he do?
1064
00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:42,496
- Sells insurance.
1065
00:34:44,499 --> 00:34:46,917
- You win, how about your kids?
1066
00:34:47,210 --> 00:34:47,751
- Three girls.
1067
00:34:48,044 --> 00:34:49,169
- Okay, all right, all right.
1068
00:34:49,462 --> 00:34:50,420
Big, little, what?
1069
00:34:50,713 --> 00:34:52,380
Nursery school, babysitters maybe?
1070
00:34:52,673 --> 00:34:54,257
- Oh, God, they're gonna need one
1071
00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:55,634
if I'm not home by four.
1072
00:34:55,927 --> 00:34:57,052
- All right, that's funny, go with that.
1073
00:34:57,345 --> 00:34:58,261
- There's nothing funny in that, nothing.
1074
00:34:58,554 --> 00:34:59,096
The maid will leave,
1075
00:34:59,388 --> 00:34:59,930
and then the two little ones
1076
00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:00,764
will be there all by themselves.
1077
00:35:01,057 --> 00:35:01,598
- You have to think to comedy.
1078
00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:02,432
Who's the babysitter?
1079
00:35:02,725 --> 00:35:03,517
- Just this kid that
lives down the street.
1080
00:35:03,810 --> 00:35:04,351
I don't think I brought his number.
1081
00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:05,185
- Comedy, comedy, comedy.
1082
00:35:05,478 --> 00:35:06,186
What's the babysitter's name?
1083
00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:07,020
- I don't know, it's just this nice kid.
1084
00:35:07,313 --> 00:35:08,146
- Comedy, what's the babysitter's name?
1085
00:35:08,439 --> 00:35:09,815
- Charlie Manson.
1086
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,775
- All right, that's funny.
1087
00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:12,609
- That's funny?
1088
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:13,485
- You just wrote a joke, yes.
1089
00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:15,362
Yes, Charlie Manson, the babysitter.
1090
00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:16,363
Yes, that's funny.
1091
00:35:16,656 --> 00:35:19,950
Keep going with it, go, go, go, go, go.
1092
00:35:20,243 --> 00:35:21,409
- Honey,
1093
00:35:21,702 --> 00:35:24,663
he's put X's on their foreheads again.
1094
00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:28,750
If he's busy,
1095
00:35:29,043 --> 00:35:30,669
then we use this other nice boy,
1096
00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:32,087
Davie Berkowitz.
1097
00:35:35,883 --> 00:35:37,717
He's so good with dogs.
1098
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:41,263
- Who's Davie Berkowitz?
1099
00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:43,682
- You know, Davie Berkowitz,
1100
00:35:44,725 --> 00:35:46,768
Son of Sam, you know, Davie Berkowitz.
1101
00:35:47,061 --> 00:35:48,270
He talks to dogs.
1102
00:35:49,564 --> 00:35:52,482
- Manson is funny, Berkowitz is not.
1103
00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:54,734
- Oh.
1104
00:35:56,237 --> 00:35:58,238
I thought that was sort of funny.
1105
00:35:58,531 --> 00:35:59,823
- Manson is funny.
1106
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:02,200
Berkowitz is not.
1107
00:36:03,744 --> 00:36:04,619
- All right.
1108
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:08,540
(laughter)
1109
00:36:08,833 --> 00:36:10,292
- Another game is...
1110
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:13,211
Another game is
1111
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:14,462
Double up on the Medication.
1112
00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:15,881
This is, you take the pill,
1113
00:36:16,174 --> 00:36:17,257
and you put it under your tongue,
1114
00:36:17,550 --> 00:36:18,091
and when they come around
1115
00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:18,884
to check up on you
1116
00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,510
you insist it wasn't in the cup.
1117
00:36:20,803 --> 00:36:21,845
"It wasn't in the cup."
1118
00:36:22,138 --> 00:36:23,471
(laughter)
1119
00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:25,098
"There was no pill there.
1120
00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,058
"Give me my medication.
1121
00:36:27,351 --> 00:36:28,810
"I'm sick, you see?"
1122
00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:31,062
Of course, those of you
1123
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:32,147
who are taking suppositories
1124
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:32,981
you might want to pass
1125
00:36:33,274 --> 00:36:34,399
on that whole thing.
1126
00:36:34,692 --> 00:36:35,817
(laughter)
1127
00:36:36,110 --> 00:36:37,944
What, do you have a question?
1128
00:36:38,237 --> 00:36:38,778
Your hand has been up
1129
00:36:39,071 --> 00:36:40,655
as long as I've been here.
1130
00:36:40,948 --> 00:36:41,489
This is probably like
1131
00:36:41,782 --> 00:36:42,782
a very debilitating illness.
1132
00:36:43,075 --> 00:36:44,075
What is your occupation, Sir?
1133
00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:45,118
- I'm a doorman.
1134
00:36:45,411 --> 00:36:46,161
- [Steven] You're a doorman.
1135
00:36:46,454 --> 00:36:48,205
So, like, you hail taxis?
1136
00:36:48,497 --> 00:36:49,873
- That's what I do, yes.
1137
00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:50,707
- This is like a good
1138
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,293
training device then, you're fine.
1139
00:36:53,586 --> 00:36:54,711
You should get out of this hospital.
1140
00:36:55,004 --> 00:36:55,587
It must be painful
1141
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:56,546
having this IV hooked up.
1142
00:36:56,839 --> 00:36:57,923
- [Male patient] No, no, no, not at all.
1143
00:36:58,216 --> 00:36:58,757
- Really, no pain at all?
1144
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:00,425
- No, that's not mine, that's his.
1145
00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,010
(laughter)
1146
00:37:02,303 --> 00:37:02,886
- Oh, son of a gun,
1147
00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:03,803
let me see this thing.
1148
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:04,638
Oh, good God, it is.
1149
00:37:04,931 --> 00:37:05,513
Well, what have we got here?
1150
00:37:05,806 --> 00:37:06,598
Let's see,
1151
00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:07,515
you're getting your lunch today.
1152
00:37:07,808 --> 00:37:09,226
Oh, we have some strawberry Jell-O.
1153
00:37:09,518 --> 00:37:10,352
That's nice.
1154
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,979
Oh, is that pasta salad dextrose.
1155
00:37:13,272 --> 00:37:14,272
What's your main course today?
1156
00:37:14,565 --> 00:37:15,232
Oh, liver and onions.
1157
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:16,816
Oh boy, even in the bloodstream
1158
00:37:17,109 --> 00:37:19,277
that's some pretty nasty stuff.
1159
00:37:19,570 --> 00:37:21,363
Here's a nurse, I'm just guessing.
1160
00:37:21,656 --> 00:37:22,864
- You're right.
1161
00:37:23,157 --> 00:37:23,990
- A sponge bath from this woman
1162
00:37:24,283 --> 00:37:25,575
would really be paradise.
1163
00:37:25,868 --> 00:37:27,077
(laughter)
1164
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:28,995
Oh, look, a doctor here, folks.
1165
00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:31,581
Son of a gun, a Jewish doctor.
1166
00:37:33,501 --> 00:37:34,626
Something you don't see very often
1167
00:37:34,919 --> 00:37:36,086
in a New York City hospital.
1168
00:37:36,379 --> 00:37:37,504
You are a doctor, Sir?
1169
00:37:37,797 --> 00:37:38,630
- Yes, I'm a doctor.
1170
00:37:38,923 --> 00:37:41,549
- And what is your field of speciality?
1171
00:37:41,842 --> 00:37:42,592
- This is my first year,
1172
00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:44,219
I don't know yet.
1173
00:37:44,512 --> 00:37:45,053
- Could I recommend
1174
00:37:45,346 --> 00:37:48,265
a career in welding, perhaps?
1175
00:37:48,557 --> 00:37:49,849
Just a suggestion.
1176
00:37:51,143 --> 00:37:51,977
Oh, you liked that?
1177
00:37:52,270 --> 00:37:53,645
You liked that one?
1178
00:37:55,314 --> 00:37:56,690
What is your name, Sir?
1179
00:37:56,983 --> 00:37:58,191
- Sam.
1180
00:37:58,484 --> 00:38:00,860
(laughter)
1181
00:38:01,153 --> 00:38:02,320
- You're a happy guy, Sam.
1182
00:38:02,613 --> 00:38:03,321
What are they pumping
1183
00:38:03,614 --> 00:38:05,323
into your nostrils here?
1184
00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:06,992
What is this concoction?
1185
00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:07,909
You're turning blue, Sam.
1186
00:38:08,202 --> 00:38:08,743
Why is that?
1187
00:38:09,036 --> 00:38:09,703
You're turning blue, what's?
1188
00:38:09,996 --> 00:38:10,537
Oh, good God,
1189
00:38:10,830 --> 00:38:12,247
I'm standing on his air hose.
1190
00:38:12,540 --> 00:38:14,291
(laughter)
1191
00:38:14,583 --> 00:38:15,208
I'm sorry.
1192
00:38:16,877 --> 00:38:17,836
Oh, you're running out of air,
1193
00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:18,920
and so am I.
1194
00:38:20,631 --> 00:38:22,173
Folks, you have been a great audience,
1195
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:25,468
really, you've been a good audience.
1196
00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:28,513
You've been a sick audience, folks,
1197
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:30,515
but thank you very much, everybody.
1198
00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:32,809
Get well, get well, everybody.
1199
00:38:33,102 --> 00:38:35,145
(applause)
1200
00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:51,202
- [Female] You were really good.
1201
00:38:51,495 --> 00:38:52,412
- Thank you, that's very nice of you.
1202
00:38:52,705 --> 00:38:53,330
Seriously.
1203
00:38:53,622 --> 00:38:54,539
- [Female] You were terrific.
1204
00:38:54,832 --> 00:38:55,373
- Oh, thank you,
1205
00:38:55,666 --> 00:38:56,249
that's very nice of you.
1206
00:38:56,542 --> 00:38:58,084
- [Female] Thank you.
1207
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,933
- What about last week, what was it?
1208
00:39:14,226 --> 00:39:15,977
- I think it was 80,000.
1209
00:39:19,690 --> 00:39:20,690
45,000.
1210
00:39:20,983 --> 00:39:21,608
- 45?
1211
00:39:23,486 --> 00:39:24,235
I see.
1212
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:27,781
Well, that's good.
1213
00:40:03,692 --> 00:40:05,527
- Taxi! Oh, God!
1214
00:40:05,820 --> 00:40:07,028
Taxi, taxi, taxi!
1215
00:40:09,448 --> 00:40:11,616
Oh, wait, wait, oh, my God.
1216
00:40:14,870 --> 00:40:17,372
Taxi!
1217
00:40:18,499 --> 00:40:20,250
Okay, stop right here.
1218
00:40:21,335 --> 00:40:24,003
(dramatic music)
1219
00:40:32,221 --> 00:40:32,971
Hello!
1220
00:40:43,774 --> 00:40:44,524
Hello?
1221
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:52,115
I'm home, I'm home!
1222
00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:54,617
Don't come near me, I'm home!
1223
00:40:57,288 --> 00:40:58,455
- Mom, what are you doing?
1224
00:40:58,747 --> 00:40:59,289
- Where are you going?
1225
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:00,123
- What's the matter?
1226
00:41:00,416 --> 00:41:00,957
- I love you, I love you.
1227
00:41:01,250 --> 00:41:02,625
Stay out of my way.
1228
00:41:05,629 --> 00:41:06,296
Where's Jenny?
1229
00:41:06,589 --> 00:41:07,130
- At the movies.
1230
00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:09,591
- At the movies, at the movies.
1231
00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:10,842
All right, that's it.
1232
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:11,676
She's grounded.
1233
00:41:11,969 --> 00:41:15,138
If I ever see her again, she's grounded.
1234
00:41:15,431 --> 00:41:16,639
I want the two of you to go,
1235
00:41:16,932 --> 00:41:19,601
and put your nice dresses on.
1236
00:41:19,894 --> 00:41:22,729
All right, okay, what are you doing?
1237
00:41:23,022 --> 00:41:24,314
Go, put your nice dresses on.
1238
00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:26,399
Go on, now, put them on!
1239
00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:33,990
- [Heidi] Help me!
1240
00:41:34,283 --> 00:41:35,742
- She said, hurry, come on.
1241
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:37,577
- Where are my shoes?
1242
00:41:44,001 --> 00:41:46,419
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
1243
00:41:46,712 --> 00:41:47,420
Oh, my God.
1244
00:41:48,547 --> 00:41:50,548
- I can't find my tights.
1245
00:41:52,801 --> 00:41:53,801
- Oh, my God!
1246
00:41:54,887 --> 00:41:55,887
Girls, girls,
1247
00:41:57,139 --> 00:41:59,974
come on, come on, let's go.
1248
00:42:00,267 --> 00:42:01,559
- [Carrie] Why are we running?
1249
00:42:01,852 --> 00:42:03,478
- I can't button this dress.
1250
00:42:03,771 --> 00:42:04,479
Mom,
1251
00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:05,939
mom, help me!
1252
00:42:06,232 --> 00:42:06,773
- You are just gonna have to
1253
00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:08,191
help each other.
1254
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:12,278
Oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus,
1255
00:42:13,447 --> 00:42:14,197
oh, Jesus.
1256
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:24,415
Out of my way, out of my way,
1257
00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:25,667
out of my way.
1258
00:43:00,494 --> 00:43:01,661
Heidi, go long.
1259
00:43:02,955 --> 00:43:04,455
Heads up.
1260
00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:06,624
Bread basket, pantry, pantry.
1261
00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:07,542
Carry.
1262
00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:08,585
- Yeah?
1263
00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:09,419
- No, Carrie, come here.
1264
00:43:09,712 --> 00:43:12,171
Help me carry, take the big platter.
1265
00:43:12,464 --> 00:43:15,341
There you are, somebody man the peas.
1266
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:22,932
Heidi, the peas.
1267
00:43:23,225 --> 00:43:24,851
Carrie, napkins, one on each plate.
1268
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:25,852
Here we go.
1269
00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:33,359
Heidi, break the bread.
1270
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,070
Carrie, light a match.
1271
00:43:37,031 --> 00:43:39,699
Spoons, centerpiece, centerpiece.
1272
00:43:39,992 --> 00:43:41,618
Light that match.
1273
00:43:41,910 --> 00:43:42,535
All right.
1274
00:43:49,418 --> 00:43:50,335
Living room!
1275
00:43:51,962 --> 00:43:53,254
Living room, living room.
1276
00:43:53,547 --> 00:43:54,714
Carrie, get your things off the planter.
1277
00:43:55,007 --> 00:43:55,965
- What should I do with it?
1278
00:43:56,258 --> 00:43:57,133
- [Lilah] Get rid of them.
1279
00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:59,052
- Here, get rid of it.
1280
00:44:00,888 --> 00:44:02,055
What happened to the fish tank?
1281
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:03,389
- [Lilah] Don't say that again.
1282
00:44:03,682 --> 00:44:05,058
- The water went down.
1283
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:07,560
- I told you not to say that.
1284
00:44:19,406 --> 00:44:20,156
Kids.
1285
00:44:23,869 --> 00:44:25,036
- Lilah.
1286
00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:26,120
- Yes, dear?
1287
00:44:27,748 --> 00:44:28,915
- My family.
1288
00:44:29,208 --> 00:44:30,875
- Good evening.
1289
00:44:31,168 --> 00:44:33,586
- The black goldfish is missing.
1290
00:44:36,715 --> 00:44:38,966
(whistling)
1291
00:44:50,479 --> 00:44:53,439
- Yes, yes, I'm still holding.
1292
00:44:53,732 --> 00:44:54,357
Well, why don't you just
1293
00:44:54,650 --> 00:44:55,358
put me through to her?
1294
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:56,526
I don't un...
1295
00:44:58,445 --> 00:44:59,696
What restaurant?
1296
00:45:02,282 --> 00:45:03,241
She told me herself that
1297
00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:04,951
she was bringing a gentleman down to
1298
00:45:05,244 --> 00:45:07,036
the club to see me.
1299
00:45:07,329 --> 00:45:09,288
The club, the Gas Station.
1300
00:45:11,834 --> 00:45:13,126
All right.
1301
00:45:13,419 --> 00:45:15,294
Would you give her that message,
1302
00:45:15,587 --> 00:45:19,215
and have her please call me down here?
1303
00:45:19,508 --> 00:45:21,968
The Gas Station, thank you.
1304
00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:23,511
Phone is free.
1305
00:45:23,804 --> 00:45:26,013
(soft music)
1306
00:45:33,731 --> 00:45:34,939
- Were you born in New Jersey,
1307
00:45:35,232 --> 00:45:36,232
Reverend Young?
1308
00:45:37,359 --> 00:45:38,109
- Yes.
1309
00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:43,573
- So was I.
1310
00:45:44,575 --> 00:45:46,909
- So was I, we both were.
1311
00:45:47,202 --> 00:45:47,785
- Together.
1312
00:45:48,078 --> 00:45:50,121
- We weren't born together.
1313
00:45:54,376 --> 00:45:55,501
- [John] Care for some more wine?
1314
00:45:55,794 --> 00:45:56,377
- Yes.
1315
00:46:00,674 --> 00:46:03,301
- [Heidi] I got a new joke, Mom.
1316
00:46:03,594 --> 00:46:04,635
- You do, baby?
1317
00:46:06,972 --> 00:46:09,724
- [Heidi] I think it's grown-up enough.
1318
00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:11,434
- I'm sure it is, sweetheart.
1319
00:46:11,727 --> 00:46:14,061
- She loves to tell jokes.
1320
00:46:14,354 --> 00:46:16,314
- Coral told it to me.
1321
00:46:16,607 --> 00:46:17,565
- [Lilah] Did she, dear?
1322
00:46:17,858 --> 00:46:19,066
- Tell it, Heidi.
1323
00:46:23,197 --> 00:46:24,155
- What did one cocksucker
1324
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:25,656
say to the other?
1325
00:46:28,452 --> 00:46:29,118
- [Male] Go home!
1326
00:46:29,411 --> 00:46:32,580
- So, Betsy Ross says, I have 13 stars.
1327
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:33,664
Would you listen to this?
1328
00:46:33,957 --> 00:46:35,917
This is funny, my class loves this.
1329
00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:36,793
- Do you have any idea where she
1330
00:46:37,085 --> 00:46:38,044
is tonight, by any chance?
1331
00:46:38,337 --> 00:46:39,212
Is this her service?
1332
00:46:39,505 --> 00:46:40,296
Do you happen to know?
1333
00:46:40,589 --> 00:46:41,422
Did she have plans on coming down
1334
00:46:41,715 --> 00:46:43,132
to the Gas Station tonight?
1335
00:46:43,425 --> 00:46:45,802
- Who you got coming, an agent?
1336
00:46:47,012 --> 00:46:47,929
- Okay, no, never...
1337
00:46:48,222 --> 00:46:49,889
Just tell her that Steven Gold called,
1338
00:46:50,182 --> 00:46:51,265
and that I'm still expecting her,
1339
00:46:51,558 --> 00:46:52,099
and the gentleman
1340
00:46:52,392 --> 00:46:54,101
at the club, thank you.
1341
00:46:55,604 --> 00:46:56,270
- Steven, if you have
1342
00:46:56,563 --> 00:46:57,480
a talent scout coming,
1343
00:46:57,773 --> 00:46:58,523
you're supposed to tell.
1344
00:46:58,816 --> 00:46:59,357
- I don't have
1345
00:46:59,650 --> 00:47:00,191
a talent scout coming, Albert.
1346
00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:02,318
- Really, who tried to call?
1347
00:47:02,611 --> 00:47:03,945
- Did somebody try to call me?
1348
00:47:04,238 --> 00:47:05,321
- That's what I heard.
1349
00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:06,405
- Hey, hey, hey,
1350
00:47:06,698 --> 00:47:07,907
did I have a call?
1351
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:08,741
- [Ernie] Yeah.
1352
00:47:09,034 --> 00:47:09,575
- Well, why didn't you tell me?
1353
00:47:09,868 --> 00:47:11,077
- I couldn't find you.
1354
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:12,870
- Who was it, what did you say?
1355
00:47:13,163 --> 00:47:14,121
- I don't know.
1356
00:47:14,414 --> 00:47:15,206
He wanted to know what nights
1357
00:47:15,499 --> 00:47:16,040
you perform here,
1358
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:16,999
and what time you go on.
1359
00:47:17,292 --> 00:47:18,417
- So it is a talent scout.
1360
00:47:18,710 --> 00:47:19,252
- Okay, all right,
1361
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:20,253
now he's coming down.
1362
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:21,087
What did you tell him?
1363
00:47:21,380 --> 00:47:21,921
- I told him you're here every night,
1364
00:47:22,214 --> 00:47:23,464
and if he wants to know what time,
1365
00:47:23,757 --> 00:47:25,258
to call back.
1366
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:27,009
- He said he was gonna call back?
1367
00:47:27,302 --> 00:47:28,177
- He said, "Thank you."
1368
00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:29,011
- [Steven] But he said he's coming?
1369
00:47:29,304 --> 00:47:29,846
- I don't know.
1370
00:47:30,138 --> 00:47:30,680
- Why don't you write these things down?
1371
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:33,224
- [Ernie] Hey, why don't you take a hike?
1372
00:47:33,517 --> 00:47:34,100
- Who is it?
1373
00:47:34,393 --> 00:47:35,268
Just tell me who it is,
1374
00:47:35,561 --> 00:47:36,644
and I'll watch for him.
1375
00:47:36,937 --> 00:47:38,312
- Could you give me a second?
1376
00:47:38,605 --> 00:47:39,146
Listen, if you listen
1377
00:47:39,439 --> 00:47:41,107
it's gonna be real funny, okay?
1378
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:41,941
Now, George Washington
1379
00:47:42,234 --> 00:47:43,901
gets off his white horse and says...
1380
00:47:44,194 --> 00:47:46,904
- [Male] George Washington sucks.
1381
00:47:47,197 --> 00:47:48,281
- You, Sir, do you have
1382
00:47:48,574 --> 00:47:51,033
any naked pictures of your wife?
1383
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,665
Only kidding, only kidding.
1384
00:47:57,958 --> 00:47:58,791
- [John] No more than anyone else
1385
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:00,001
who has a family.
1386
00:48:00,294 --> 00:48:01,043
- [Lilah] Uh-huh, what
do you mean by that?
1387
00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:01,878
- [John] What do I mean by that?
1388
00:48:02,170 --> 00:48:03,212
- [Lilah] What is it that do you want?
1389
00:48:03,505 --> 00:48:04,422
- [John] Just a family I can be proud of.
1390
00:48:04,715 --> 00:48:05,256
- A family you could be
1391
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,258
proud of, uh-huh, like who?
1392
00:48:07,551 --> 00:48:09,218
And don't tell me Bunny and Jerry.
1393
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:10,303
- Bunny and Jerry.
1394
00:48:10,596 --> 00:48:11,679
- Fuck Bunny and Jerry.
1395
00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:12,555
- Why do you have to use
1396
00:48:12,848 --> 00:48:13,431
language like that?
1397
00:48:13,724 --> 00:48:15,558
Don't use language like that.
1398
00:48:15,851 --> 00:48:16,392
No wonder your daughters
1399
00:48:16,685 --> 00:48:17,685
talk like toilets.
1400
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:18,728
- [Lilah] Talk like toilets, John?
1401
00:48:19,021 --> 00:48:19,562
- [John] Come on, Lilah,
1402
00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:20,479
you know what I'm talking about.
1403
00:48:20,772 --> 00:48:21,606
- [Lilah] What do you want?
1404
00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:23,065
- [John] Just be a mother.
1405
00:48:23,358 --> 00:48:24,150
- [Lilah] I am a mother.
1406
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:25,151
- [John] Not by my definition.
1407
00:48:25,444 --> 00:48:26,736
- [Lilah] Well, I am by my definition.
1408
00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:27,904
- A mother is some who stays
1409
00:48:28,196 --> 00:48:29,238
with her children at night.
1410
00:48:29,531 --> 00:48:30,656
- [Lilah] Unless she works.
1411
00:48:30,949 --> 00:48:31,782
- [John] Unless she gets paid to work.
1412
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:33,576
- Unless she's lucky enough to get paid.
1413
00:48:33,869 --> 00:48:34,535
- Unless she's good enough to get paid.
1414
00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:35,661
- [Lilah] I am good enough.
1415
00:48:35,954 --> 00:48:36,495
- No, you're not, Lilah.
1416
00:48:36,788 --> 00:48:37,830
You're not funny.
1417
00:48:38,123 --> 00:48:39,957
- You say that to me one more time,
1418
00:48:40,250 --> 00:48:41,626
and I'm going to leave this house.
1419
00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:42,877
- You can't stand the truth.
1420
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:44,128
- [Lilah] All right, I'm out of here.
1421
00:48:44,421 --> 00:48:45,630
- I didn't say it.
1422
00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:46,464
- [Lilah] I'm out of here.
1423
00:48:46,757 --> 00:48:47,715
- [John] All right, I will say it.
1424
00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:48,966
The woman living in this house
1425
00:48:49,259 --> 00:48:50,051
is not funny.
1426
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:51,302
That woman, there in the dark,
1427
00:48:51,595 --> 00:48:53,054
is not funny.
1428
00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:53,888
- [Lilah] I'm out of here!
1429
00:48:54,181 --> 00:48:55,556
- No one laughs at that woman!
1430
00:48:55,849 --> 00:48:57,642
That woman is not funny!
1431
00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:01,187
(upbeat music)
1432
00:49:29,633 --> 00:49:31,801
(applause)
1433
00:49:56,660 --> 00:49:57,326
- Steven.
1434
00:49:57,619 --> 00:49:58,160
- [Steven] I broke your deal.
1435
00:49:58,453 --> 00:50:00,830
Sorry, I'll have to pay for it.
1436
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:04,250
- What's the matter with you?
1437
00:50:04,543 --> 00:50:05,167
- Nothing.
1438
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:07,962
- There are some people
1439
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:09,005
upstairs asking for you.
1440
00:50:09,297 --> 00:50:12,258
They want to know what time you go on.
1441
00:50:14,511 --> 00:50:15,344
They look like heavyweights.
1442
00:50:15,637 --> 00:50:16,595
Who are they?
1443
00:50:16,888 --> 00:50:18,806
- Jesus, she came through for me.
1444
00:50:19,099 --> 00:50:20,266
- Who came through for you?
1445
00:50:20,559 --> 00:50:21,434
Who are they?
1446
00:50:21,727 --> 00:50:22,727
- [Steven] Romeo, they're network people.
1447
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:24,186
- Network people?
1448
00:50:24,479 --> 00:50:25,021
- You got to give me another
1449
00:50:25,313 --> 00:50:25,855
20-minute set tonight.
1450
00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:26,939
Give me another 20-minute set
1451
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:27,815
tonight, all right?
1452
00:50:28,108 --> 00:50:28,649
- Listen, I want you to calm down.
1453
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:29,483
- [Steven] Will you give me
1454
00:50:29,776 --> 00:50:30,317
another 20-minute set tonight?
1455
00:50:30,610 --> 00:50:31,152
- I want to have a nice talk with you.
1456
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:31,986
- Later, later, later, later.
1457
00:50:32,279 --> 00:50:32,820
- Now listen.
1458
00:50:33,113 --> 00:50:33,654
- Oh, Leave me alone for a minute.
1459
00:50:33,947 --> 00:50:34,947
- That's the whole point.
1460
00:50:35,240 --> 00:50:36,824
You don't have to be alone.
1461
00:50:37,117 --> 00:50:37,783
Even a prize-fighter
1462
00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:39,869
has someone in his corner.
1463
00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:42,204
Come on now, I know these people.
1464
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:42,997
- [Steven] Uh-huh.
1465
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:44,373
- Use me, I mean, I can handle them.
1466
00:50:44,666 --> 00:50:45,166
Let me entertain them
1467
00:50:45,459 --> 00:50:46,083
after the show tonight.
1468
00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:46,959
They're only going to come
1469
00:50:47,252 --> 00:50:48,335
in here once, right?
1470
00:50:48,628 --> 00:50:51,172
Let me help you make tonight count.
1471
00:50:51,465 --> 00:50:52,089
- Okay.
1472
00:50:54,009 --> 00:50:54,717
- Okay?
1473
00:50:55,010 --> 00:50:56,177
- I said okay.
1474
00:50:56,470 --> 00:50:57,011
- [Romeo] We're talking agent now?
1475
00:50:57,304 --> 00:50:57,845
- You're my agent.
1476
00:50:58,138 --> 00:50:58,679
- Permanent agent?
1477
00:50:58,972 --> 00:50:59,513
- Whatever you want.
1478
00:50:59,806 --> 00:51:00,347
- [Romeo] We're talking
about getting it in writing.
1479
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:01,307
- We'll get it in writing.
1480
00:51:01,600 --> 00:51:02,141
Just when can I go on?
1481
00:51:02,434 --> 00:51:03,559
- How about now?
1482
00:51:11,276 --> 00:51:13,986
Just take it easy and relax, relax.
1483
00:51:14,279 --> 00:51:14,820
- All right.
1484
00:51:15,113 --> 00:51:16,030
- Steven?
1485
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:16,864
Steven?
1486
00:51:17,157 --> 00:51:18,074
- Oh, look, don't bother me, all right?
1487
00:51:18,366 --> 00:51:19,283
- Don't bother him, don't bother him.
1488
00:51:19,576 --> 00:51:20,493
- How's the house?
1489
00:51:20,786 --> 00:51:21,952
- Very good, hot, hot.
1490
00:51:22,245 --> 00:51:22,828
- Good crowd, good crowd.
1491
00:51:23,121 --> 00:51:23,871
- A sensational crowd.
1492
00:51:24,164 --> 00:51:24,997
- Okay.
1493
00:51:25,290 --> 00:51:26,457
- Just relax, you ready?
1494
00:51:26,750 --> 00:51:27,291
- Are you gonna point him out to me?
1495
00:51:27,584 --> 00:51:28,125
- Yes, I'll point him out to you.
1496
00:51:28,418 --> 00:51:28,959
He's down in the front.
1497
00:51:29,252 --> 00:51:31,045
I want you to take a deep breath, right?
1498
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:31,962
- You gonna get Albert off of there?
1499
00:51:32,255 --> 00:51:33,672
- He's almost finished.
1500
00:51:33,965 --> 00:51:34,673
I can see he's almost finished.
1501
00:51:34,966 --> 00:51:36,008
- [Albert] Blew up a sporting goods store,
1502
00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:37,551
and you wanted dust?
1503
00:51:37,844 --> 00:51:40,429
And I said, "Yeah, give me the Pledge."
1504
00:51:40,722 --> 00:51:41,263
- Where are they?
1505
00:51:41,556 --> 00:51:43,015
- Third table, left.
1506
00:51:43,308 --> 00:51:45,059
Gray hair, kill them.
1507
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:47,019
(applause)
1508
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:48,312
- [Albert] Anyway, you guys have been
1509
00:51:48,605 --> 00:51:49,146
a nice audience.
1510
00:51:49,439 --> 00:51:50,231
Somebody wants to come up here.
1511
00:51:50,524 --> 00:51:51,398
Please see my new movie.
1512
00:51:51,691 --> 00:51:53,943
It's called, Goober, the Forgotten Pile.
1513
00:51:54,236 --> 00:51:55,778
- Shit, Romeo, Romeo!
1514
00:51:57,697 --> 00:51:58,948
- Albert Emperato, ladies and gentlemen.
1515
00:51:59,241 --> 00:52:00,324
Albert Emperato.
1516
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:03,285
(applause)
1517
00:52:03,578 --> 00:52:04,745
Listen, I'd like to settle down,
1518
00:52:05,038 --> 00:52:05,871
and get serious for a moment
1519
00:52:06,164 --> 00:52:06,956
because I want to introduce you
1520
00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:09,291
to someone that I've had the privilege
1521
00:52:09,584 --> 00:52:10,417
of nurturing along
1522
00:52:10,710 --> 00:52:12,753
on the road to stardom.
1523
00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:13,587
You know, I've been
1524
00:52:13,880 --> 00:52:14,964
in this business a long time.
1525
00:52:15,257 --> 00:52:17,299
I've seen comics come and go,
1526
00:52:17,592 --> 00:52:18,509
and, sometimes, you see somebody
1527
00:52:18,802 --> 00:52:20,261
goes right to the top,
1528
00:52:20,554 --> 00:52:21,762
and you know they're gonna stay there.
1529
00:52:22,055 --> 00:52:25,015
This young gentleman is not unlike that.
1530
00:52:25,308 --> 00:52:25,933
I've had him on this stage
1531
00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:27,184
month after month
1532
00:52:27,477 --> 00:52:29,019
because I knew one day
1533
00:52:29,312 --> 00:52:31,313
his star was gonna shine.
1534
00:52:31,606 --> 00:52:32,356
There's very little else
1535
00:52:32,649 --> 00:52:35,484
I can say about him except that
1536
00:52:35,777 --> 00:52:37,486
he's like a son to me.
1537
00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:38,946
Come on, let's have a nice warm welcome
1538
00:52:39,239 --> 00:52:40,239
for Steven Gold,
1539
00:52:40,532 --> 00:52:41,407
the comedy of Steven Gold,
1540
00:52:41,700 --> 00:52:42,616
ladies and gentlemen.
1541
00:52:42,909 --> 00:52:44,952
Come on up here, Steven.
1542
00:52:45,245 --> 00:52:45,953
Come on Steven.
1543
00:52:46,246 --> 00:52:46,787
He wants to be coaxed,
1544
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:48,581
he wants to be coaxed, come on.
1545
00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:50,666
Steven, come on up here.
1546
00:52:51,626 --> 00:52:52,918
Come on.
1547
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:53,919
He's a little shy.
1548
00:52:54,212 --> 00:52:55,379
Let's give him a big hand, come on.
1549
00:52:55,672 --> 00:52:57,798
Steven Gold, come on Steven.
1550
00:52:59,676 --> 00:53:02,261
That a boy, Steven, right there.
1551
00:53:12,564 --> 00:53:13,814
- Good evening.
1552
00:53:14,107 --> 00:53:16,400
- [Female] Good evening, yeah.
1553
00:53:18,028 --> 00:53:20,237
- Uh, my name is, uh.
1554
00:53:20,530 --> 00:53:22,323
Well, you know who I am.
1555
00:53:24,159 --> 00:53:24,909
Wow.
1556
00:53:30,165 --> 00:53:31,916
Anyone here from?
1557
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:34,501
Don't you hate it when comics do that?
1558
00:53:34,794 --> 00:53:35,419
It means they don't know
1559
00:53:35,712 --> 00:53:36,921
what else to say.
1560
00:53:39,507 --> 00:53:41,592
Anyone from out of town?
1561
00:53:41,885 --> 00:53:43,385
Here you go, okay.
1562
00:53:43,678 --> 00:53:44,386
Yeah, yeah.
1563
00:53:45,847 --> 00:53:47,056
You, Sir, where are you from?
1564
00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:49,642
- [Male] Green Bay, Wisconsin.
1565
00:53:50,685 --> 00:53:53,520
- There's nothing funny about that.
1566
00:53:54,940 --> 00:53:56,023
What are you doing while
1567
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:57,274
you're here in town?
1568
00:53:57,567 --> 00:53:58,984
Are you having fun?
1569
00:53:59,277 --> 00:53:59,944
- Until now.
1570
00:54:00,237 --> 00:54:02,279
(laughter)
1571
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:04,406
- That's funny.
1572
00:54:04,699 --> 00:54:06,242
This guy's all right.
1573
00:54:08,245 --> 00:54:09,828
Is that your wife with you, Sir?
1574
00:54:10,121 --> 00:54:11,580
- [Male] My daughter.
1575
00:54:11,873 --> 00:54:13,332
- Whoa, that's not gonna work, huh?
1576
00:54:13,625 --> 00:54:14,124
I was going to ask if you had
1577
00:54:14,417 --> 00:54:15,876
any naked pictures of her.
1578
00:54:16,169 --> 00:54:16,710
That won't work now, will it?
1579
00:54:17,003 --> 00:54:18,796
- [Male] No, that's not gonna work.
1580
00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:20,714
- No, that won't work.
1581
00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:30,808
I have some people in the audience.
1582
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:35,104
I'm not gonna kid around
1583
00:54:35,397 --> 00:54:36,272
with you people.
1584
00:54:36,564 --> 00:54:38,190
This is a heavy night.
1585
00:54:39,234 --> 00:54:41,026
This is a real heavy night.
1586
00:54:41,319 --> 00:54:41,860
I thought I was gonna get
1587
00:54:42,153 --> 00:54:43,529
discovered tonight,
1588
00:54:45,365 --> 00:54:48,492
and that is exactly what happened.
1589
00:54:48,785 --> 00:54:49,410
I did.
1590
00:55:00,547 --> 00:55:02,464
That was a private joke.
1591
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:04,758
Private joke, and I'm a comedian,
1592
00:55:05,051 --> 00:55:07,261
so I'll go public with these,
1593
00:55:08,346 --> 00:55:09,513
with the jokes.
1594
00:55:11,182 --> 00:55:12,933
My father is a doctor.
1595
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:17,062
When I was a student
1596
00:55:17,355 --> 00:55:18,689
I was a really bad student,
1597
00:55:18,982 --> 00:55:21,191
but that didn't stop my dad,
1598
00:55:21,484 --> 00:55:24,028
doctor pulling a lot of strings
1599
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,654
to get me into med school
1600
00:55:25,947 --> 00:55:27,364
even though it didn't seem
1601
00:55:27,657 --> 00:55:28,407
to matter to anybody that
1602
00:55:28,700 --> 00:55:29,241
I couldn't even stand
1603
00:55:29,534 --> 00:55:30,534
the sight of blood.
1604
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:31,368
As a matter of fact,
1605
00:55:31,661 --> 00:55:32,202
I once got yelled at pretty bad
1606
00:55:32,495 --> 00:55:33,829
because during a fishing trip
1607
00:55:34,122 --> 00:55:34,705
I wouldn't take the hook,
1608
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,041
and put it through a minnow
1609
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,125
because I didn't want to give it
1610
00:55:38,418 --> 00:55:39,710
cerebral contusions.
1611
00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:41,045
I didn't want to give it
1612
00:55:41,338 --> 00:55:43,464
optical poptitude, you know.
1613
00:55:44,674 --> 00:55:45,924
You know what optical poptitude is?
1614
00:55:46,217 --> 00:55:48,177
It's bulging eyeballs, so.
1615
00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,262
There's something funny in here.
1616
00:55:50,555 --> 00:55:53,599
I'm gonna find something funny in here.
1617
00:55:57,729 --> 00:55:58,395
I don't really know
1618
00:55:58,688 --> 00:55:59,229
what's funny anymore,
1619
00:55:59,522 --> 00:56:00,064
so if you people could help me out.
1620
00:56:00,357 --> 00:56:01,023
Just laugh any time
1621
00:56:01,316 --> 00:56:03,817
that you feel anything funny
1622
00:56:04,110 --> 00:56:04,902
just feel...
1623
00:56:15,789 --> 00:56:18,791
Let me tell you about medical school.
1624
00:56:19,959 --> 00:56:22,044
You can't make the mistake
1625
00:56:23,463 --> 00:56:24,129
of letting them know that
1626
00:56:24,422 --> 00:56:25,214
you're squeamish about some things
1627
00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:26,632
because, man, they smell it on you.
1628
00:56:26,925 --> 00:56:28,175
They smell it on you in medical school.
1629
00:56:28,468 --> 00:56:29,009
I once made the mistake
1630
00:56:29,302 --> 00:56:30,135
of telling this female lab partner
1631
00:56:30,428 --> 00:56:32,513
of mine that I couldn't stand
1632
00:56:32,806 --> 00:56:33,764
to see things suffer
1633
00:56:34,057 --> 00:56:35,224
like little frogs
1634
00:56:35,517 --> 00:56:37,309
that we have to dissect.
1635
00:56:41,564 --> 00:56:42,981
And she took this
1636
00:56:44,067 --> 00:56:44,900
thing it's called a probe.
1637
00:56:45,193 --> 00:56:45,734
It's like this prong thing,
1638
00:56:46,027 --> 00:56:47,236
and she plucked out this frog's eye,
1639
00:56:47,529 --> 00:56:48,112
and she flicked it at me,
1640
00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:50,197
and it stuck on my neck.
1641
00:56:53,493 --> 00:56:55,702
I think that's pretty funny.
1642
00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:03,544
See, my dad is this big macho guy,
1643
00:57:03,837 --> 00:57:04,962
and he shoots deer and shit like that.
1644
00:57:05,255 --> 00:57:06,922
I'm this kid who can't stand
1645
00:57:07,215 --> 00:57:08,257
the sight of blood.
1646
00:57:08,550 --> 00:57:09,258
You know, they used to have
1647
00:57:09,551 --> 00:57:10,134
deer in Chicago until
1648
00:57:10,427 --> 00:57:11,510
my brother and father
1649
00:57:11,803 --> 00:57:12,511
gunned them all down.
1650
00:57:12,804 --> 00:57:14,012
They killed them all.
1651
00:57:14,305 --> 00:57:14,847
These are the guys
1652
00:57:15,140 --> 00:57:16,849
who killed Bambi's mom.
1653
00:57:19,686 --> 00:57:20,477
Wait a minute.
1654
00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:23,313
I didn't tell you about the dead cat.
1655
00:57:23,606 --> 00:57:25,107
I haven't told you about the dead cat.
1656
00:57:25,400 --> 00:57:26,442
My fucking roommates
1657
00:57:26,734 --> 00:57:27,401
they would put this dead cat
1658
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:29,695
in my bed all the time.
1659
00:57:29,988 --> 00:57:31,113
Someone help me.
1660
00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:33,157
Christ!
1661
00:57:35,243 --> 00:57:36,201
- Come here.
1662
00:57:36,494 --> 00:57:38,871
(upbeat music)
1663
00:57:44,961 --> 00:57:46,628
- Check it out, baby.
1664
00:57:51,509 --> 00:57:52,176
- Leave me alone,
1665
00:57:52,469 --> 00:57:53,010
all right, Lilah, just go.
1666
00:57:53,303 --> 00:57:53,927
Go home.
1667
00:57:55,221 --> 00:57:58,140
Just leave me the fuck alone, Lilah.
1668
00:58:07,525 --> 00:58:09,693
- [Lilah] You're all right.
1669
00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,070
You're all right.
1670
00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:15,491
You're all right, Steven.
1671
00:58:18,620 --> 00:58:20,954
(jazz music)
1672
00:58:35,053 --> 00:58:36,053
- So my brother would be down
1673
00:58:36,346 --> 00:58:37,513
in the library studying,
1674
00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:40,599
and I would be upstairs in the attic
1675
00:58:42,852 --> 00:58:44,853
covering myself in tin foil,
1676
00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,355
from head to toe.
1677
00:58:48,733 --> 00:58:52,402
Making up these superheroes of my own,
1678
00:58:52,695 --> 00:58:54,404
you know, Tin Foil Man.
1679
00:58:56,407 --> 00:58:58,158
Shingle Kid, you know.
1680
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:01,828
Stuff to make my friends laugh,
1681
00:59:02,121 --> 00:59:03,580
but at home, I was,
1682
00:59:04,791 --> 00:59:06,542
no, I was never funny.
1683
00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:15,634
- I used to make everybody laugh.
1684
00:59:15,927 --> 00:59:17,052
Even my husband.
1685
00:59:18,805 --> 00:59:21,014
God, we used to laugh.
1686
00:59:21,307 --> 00:59:21,932
- So?
1687
00:59:23,184 --> 00:59:24,268
What happened?
1688
00:59:26,312 --> 00:59:27,479
- I don't know.
1689
00:59:29,148 --> 00:59:30,732
The kids or his job.
1690
00:59:31,859 --> 00:59:32,609
Me.
1691
00:59:34,153 --> 00:59:35,153
I don't know.
1692
00:59:39,534 --> 00:59:42,619
- [Steven] So why don't you leave him?
1693
00:59:43,913 --> 00:59:46,665
- I've got carpool in the morning.
1694
00:59:48,876 --> 00:59:50,502
- He sounds like a prick.
1695
00:59:50,795 --> 00:59:51,336
- Look, he works all day,
1696
00:59:51,629 --> 00:59:52,170
and then he comes home,
1697
00:59:52,463 --> 00:59:54,881
and takes care of the kids all night.
1698
00:59:55,174 --> 00:59:57,009
- He sounds like a saint.
1699
00:59:58,428 --> 00:59:59,761
- He's not wrong.
1700
01:00:02,056 --> 01:00:03,056
I don't know.
1701
01:00:05,435 --> 01:00:08,186
Maybe I should quit, I don't know.
1702
01:00:08,479 --> 01:00:09,438
- What, quit stand-up?
1703
01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:11,315
No, no, no, no, you can't do that.
1704
01:00:11,608 --> 01:00:12,190
- Why not?
1705
01:00:13,735 --> 01:00:15,569
- Because you're funny.
1706
01:00:17,614 --> 01:00:19,531
I mean, you don't know how to
1707
01:00:19,824 --> 01:00:20,449
get to it yet,
1708
01:00:20,742 --> 01:00:21,450
you haven't figured that out,
1709
01:00:21,743 --> 01:00:22,951
but you're funny.
1710
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:25,621
- Look, don't kid me
1711
01:00:25,913 --> 01:00:27,539
about this, all right?
1712
01:00:29,626 --> 01:00:30,667
- I'll say anything to a woman,
1713
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,085
and not mean it.
1714
01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:34,630
I'll say I love her.
1715
01:00:34,922 --> 01:00:36,173
I'll say she's beautiful.
1716
01:00:36,466 --> 01:00:37,924
I'll say she's sexy.
1717
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:41,762
I don't mess around with funny.
1718
01:00:47,393 --> 01:00:48,560
- Oh yeah, this is great.
1719
01:00:48,853 --> 01:00:50,270
Oh yeah, this is really great, you know.
1720
01:00:50,563 --> 01:00:51,104
- What?
1721
01:00:51,397 --> 01:00:51,980
- [Lilah] Wonderful, just wonderful.
1722
01:00:52,273 --> 01:00:52,814
- What?
1723
01:00:53,107 --> 01:00:54,608
- Look, I'm a married woman.
1724
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:55,442
- [Steven] So?
1725
01:00:55,735 --> 01:00:56,360
- I'm 10 years older than you,
1726
01:00:56,653 --> 01:00:57,152
I got to go.
1727
01:00:57,445 --> 01:00:58,028
- So, wait, Lilah.
1728
01:00:58,321 --> 01:00:58,862
- [Lilah] I got to go.
1729
01:00:59,155 --> 01:01:01,865
- Lilah, look, come on, be Italian.
1730
01:01:03,868 --> 01:01:05,619
- What does that mean?
1731
01:01:06,788 --> 01:01:09,206
- I was hoping you would know.
1732
01:01:12,001 --> 01:01:12,668
Look.
1733
01:01:12,960 --> 01:01:15,087
- I got to go, I really got to go.
1734
01:01:15,380 --> 01:01:16,546
- Look, you're in trouble already,
1735
01:01:16,839 --> 01:01:19,299
so hang out with me tonight.
1736
01:01:19,592 --> 01:01:20,425
I'll teach you something
1737
01:01:20,718 --> 01:01:22,010
about being funny.
1738
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:24,471
Yes, you can.
1739
01:01:24,764 --> 01:01:25,305
- Honestly, I can't.
1740
01:01:25,598 --> 01:01:26,139
- Look, you just want to
1741
01:01:26,432 --> 01:01:26,973
talk to the crowd.
1742
01:01:27,266 --> 01:01:27,808
Can you pull over here please, thank you.
1743
01:01:28,101 --> 01:01:28,642
- I need my jokes.
1744
01:01:28,935 --> 01:01:29,476
I can't get up there without my jokes.
1745
01:01:29,769 --> 01:01:30,310
- You talk to the crowd.
1746
01:01:30,603 --> 01:01:31,144
You talk to the crowd.
1747
01:01:31,437 --> 01:01:32,521
They talk to them they talk to you.
1748
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:33,605
That's how you develop material.
1749
01:01:33,898 --> 01:01:34,481
- Steven, listen to me Steven.
1750
01:01:34,774 --> 01:01:35,315
- Come on, come on.
1751
01:01:35,608 --> 01:01:36,149
You got to learn now, come on.
1752
01:01:36,442 --> 01:01:36,983
- I just simply can't do it.
1753
01:01:37,276 --> 01:01:37,818
Its' just something.
1754
01:01:38,111 --> 01:01:38,652
- [Steven] Come on!
1755
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,529
- All right, God Almighty!
1756
01:01:40,822 --> 01:01:41,571
You don't have to yell at me.
1757
01:01:41,864 --> 01:01:43,323
Steven, I have nothing to say.
1758
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:45,867
- Yes, you do, the subway.
1759
01:01:46,160 --> 01:01:46,702
- What subway?
1760
01:01:46,994 --> 01:01:47,953
- Remember the subway.
1761
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:48,912
- I don't remember the subway.
1762
01:01:49,205 --> 01:01:49,746
I don't even know what
1763
01:01:50,039 --> 01:01:50,580
a subway looks like.
1764
01:01:50,873 --> 01:01:51,415
- [Steven] I'll remind you.
1765
01:01:51,708 --> 01:01:52,249
- Steven
1766
01:01:52,542 --> 01:01:53,166
Hi,
1767
01:01:54,168 --> 01:01:54,918
I'm Lilah,
1768
01:01:56,337 --> 01:01:58,922
and I don't know what I'm doing.
1769
01:02:00,883 --> 01:02:01,675
I'm not allowed to use
1770
01:02:01,968 --> 01:02:03,260
my jokes tonight,
1771
01:02:05,930 --> 01:02:08,682
so I'll tell you I'm a housewife.
1772
01:02:08,975 --> 01:02:09,850
I'll admit to that,
1773
01:02:10,143 --> 01:02:11,768
and I have three kids,
1774
01:02:13,062 --> 01:02:15,063
and I live in New Jersey.
1775
01:02:16,524 --> 01:02:18,567
So, you see, I'll admit to anything.
1776
01:02:18,860 --> 01:02:19,943
- Where are your kids?
1777
01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:20,777
- What?
1778
01:02:21,070 --> 01:02:22,195
- [Steven] Where are your kids?
1779
01:02:22,488 --> 01:02:23,488
- Home.
1780
01:02:23,781 --> 01:02:24,573
- Who's looking after them?
1781
01:02:24,866 --> 01:02:26,074
- My husband.
1782
01:02:26,367 --> 01:02:29,369
- What if your husband's not available?
1783
01:02:29,662 --> 01:02:31,538
Do you have a babysitter?
1784
01:02:32,623 --> 01:02:33,957
- Charles Manson.
1785
01:02:34,250 --> 01:02:36,501
(laughter)
1786
01:02:36,794 --> 01:02:38,003
And then if he's busy you use
1787
01:02:38,296 --> 01:02:40,046
that other nice boy down the street
1788
01:02:40,339 --> 01:02:41,506
that Davie Berkowitz.
1789
01:02:41,799 --> 01:02:43,759
He's so good with the dog.
1790
01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:50,348
All right, it's not funny.
1791
01:02:50,641 --> 01:02:52,184
Okay, so shoot me.
1792
01:02:52,477 --> 01:02:54,770
All right, I'm just gonna grab the...
1793
01:02:55,062 --> 01:02:56,188
All right.
1794
01:02:56,481 --> 01:02:58,315
This man over here is laughing.
1795
01:02:58,608 --> 01:02:59,649
What is your name, Sir?
1796
01:02:59,942 --> 01:03:00,984
- Bob.
1797
01:03:01,277 --> 01:03:03,111
- Bob, and what do you do?
1798
01:03:03,404 --> 01:03:05,614
- I'm a marketing consultant.
1799
01:03:06,824 --> 01:03:08,658
- Marketing consultant.
1800
01:03:09,869 --> 01:03:12,037
You're a marketing consultant?
1801
01:03:12,330 --> 01:03:13,955
Bob, could I consult with you
1802
01:03:14,248 --> 01:03:15,290
for one minute?
1803
01:03:16,918 --> 01:03:19,211
Whenever I get a cart,
1804
01:03:19,504 --> 01:03:22,297
why is it that one wheel always goes
1805
01:03:23,758 --> 01:03:25,550
like this, and it pulls to the right,
1806
01:03:25,843 --> 01:03:26,885
right into the canned goods?
1807
01:03:27,178 --> 01:03:27,969
I mean, I've wondered about it,
1808
01:03:28,262 --> 01:03:28,970
haven't you?
1809
01:03:29,263 --> 01:03:30,013
This lady is laughing here.
1810
01:03:30,306 --> 01:03:32,891
You have a problem with produce,
1811
01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:33,809
don't you?
1812
01:03:34,811 --> 01:03:36,102
I think you must, you have your hand
1813
01:03:36,395 --> 01:03:38,897
in that gentleman's lap, I think.
1814
01:03:40,399 --> 01:03:42,651
(applause)
1815
01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:46,238
So, tonight it's gonna be career night
1816
01:03:46,531 --> 01:03:47,989
because everybody's life is funny.
1817
01:03:48,282 --> 01:03:49,241
Trust me on this.
1818
01:03:49,534 --> 01:03:50,951
We are all God's little
1819
01:03:51,244 --> 01:03:52,619
animated cartoons.
1820
01:03:52,912 --> 01:03:54,037
This gentleman right here.
1821
01:03:54,330 --> 01:03:55,664
Sir, what's your name?
1822
01:03:55,957 --> 01:03:56,498
- Murray.
1823
01:03:56,791 --> 01:03:57,332
- Murray, trust me on this
1824
01:03:57,625 --> 01:03:58,458
When your life is funny, Murray.
1825
01:03:58,751 --> 01:04:00,126
What do you do for a living?
1826
01:04:00,419 --> 01:04:01,169
- [Murray] I'm an insurance salesman.
1827
01:04:01,462 --> 01:04:04,047
- You're an insurance salesman?
1828
01:04:04,340 --> 01:04:07,259
Did you ever want to be anything else?
1829
01:04:07,552 --> 01:04:08,510
Come on, think back, think back with me.
1830
01:04:08,803 --> 01:04:09,761
You're four, you're two, you're three,
1831
01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:10,846
you're a small child.
1832
01:04:11,138 --> 01:04:12,055
You're dressing up, it's Halloween.
1833
01:04:12,348 --> 01:04:12,889
You know, all the other boys,
1834
01:04:13,182 --> 01:04:14,808
they're firemen, they're policemen,
1835
01:04:15,101 --> 01:04:16,476
they're Zorro, they're Batman,
1836
01:04:16,769 --> 01:04:17,936
and cute little Murray,
1837
01:04:18,229 --> 01:04:20,438
whose mother adores him is a?
1838
01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:23,984
- [Murray] An insurance salesman.
1839
01:04:24,277 --> 01:04:25,193
- An insurance salesman?
1840
01:04:25,486 --> 01:04:27,279
Murray, this can't be true.
1841
01:04:27,572 --> 01:04:28,113
What, you dressed up
1842
01:04:28,406 --> 01:04:29,030
in a polyester suit,
1843
01:04:29,323 --> 01:04:29,906
and handed out cards
1844
01:04:30,199 --> 01:04:31,741
with your name on it?
1845
01:04:34,453 --> 01:04:37,372
This is a bachelorette party?
1846
01:04:37,665 --> 01:04:39,416
So, could I see what you've got here?
1847
01:04:39,709 --> 01:04:40,333
Come on.
1848
01:04:43,045 --> 01:04:43,795
I know you must have
1849
01:04:44,088 --> 01:04:44,629
an appliance or two.
1850
01:04:44,922 --> 01:04:45,881
It's a shower for goodness sake.
1851
01:04:46,173 --> 01:04:48,216
You see, this is what I was asking for.
1852
01:04:48,509 --> 01:04:49,175
I'm not so old-fashioned.
1853
01:04:49,468 --> 01:04:51,511
You have appliances in today's age.
1854
01:04:51,804 --> 01:04:52,429
You get...
1855
01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:01,521
I hope this is for a sore shoulder.
1856
01:05:01,814 --> 01:05:04,316
(laughter and applause)
1857
01:05:04,609 --> 01:05:05,150
Look, you got to take this
1858
01:05:05,443 --> 01:05:06,610
right away, honestly.
1859
01:05:06,903 --> 01:05:08,778
Holy moly, that's very frightening,
1860
01:05:09,071 --> 01:05:09,779
it's very frightening, I mean,
1861
01:05:10,072 --> 01:05:12,866
that's a high-voltage item, Buffy.
1862
01:05:13,159 --> 01:05:13,700
I mean, I don't want to be
1863
01:05:13,993 --> 01:05:14,826
intimate with anything that has
1864
01:05:15,119 --> 01:05:16,369
a 90-day warranty.
1865
01:05:16,662 --> 01:05:19,789
(laughter and applause)
1866
01:05:23,794 --> 01:05:26,129
(soft music)
1867
01:06:01,958 --> 01:06:02,999
- [Steven] Which one's your house?
1868
01:06:03,292 --> 01:06:04,876
- [Lilah] It's just up ahead.
1869
01:06:05,169 --> 01:06:07,504
I think I should walk.
1870
01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:08,463
- Are you sure you're
1871
01:06:08,756 --> 01:06:09,381
gonna be all right?
1872
01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:10,465
He doesn't beat you up,
1873
01:06:10,758 --> 01:06:11,883
or anything like that
1874
01:06:12,176 --> 01:06:14,386
because it is almost morning.
1875
01:06:19,934 --> 01:06:20,684
- I'll slip into bed
1876
01:06:20,977 --> 01:06:22,477
with one of the kids.
1877
01:06:22,770 --> 01:06:25,730
He'll think I've been there all night.
1878
01:06:27,650 --> 01:06:28,566
- What then?
1879
01:06:31,237 --> 01:06:32,404
- I don't know.
1880
01:06:33,739 --> 01:06:36,074
- You could run away with me.
1881
01:06:43,332 --> 01:06:45,250
- Thank you for tonight.
1882
01:06:46,377 --> 01:06:47,877
I'll never ever forget it.
1883
01:06:48,170 --> 01:06:49,838
- Oh, you were,
1884
01:06:50,131 --> 01:06:52,007
you were brilliant.
1885
01:06:52,299 --> 01:06:53,717
- Because of you.
1886
01:06:54,010 --> 01:06:55,844
- Now, hold that thought, okay?
1887
01:06:56,137 --> 01:06:56,761
- Okay.
1888
01:07:00,141 --> 01:07:01,057
- Lilah.
1889
01:07:01,350 --> 01:07:01,850
- I got to go.
1890
01:07:02,143 --> 01:07:02,851
- No, I want to say something.
1891
01:07:03,144 --> 01:07:03,893
- Don't.
1892
01:07:04,186 --> 01:07:06,980
- You don't know what I'm gonna say.
1893
01:07:07,898 --> 01:07:09,649
- Just say good night.
1894
01:07:14,321 --> 01:07:16,656
(soft music)
1895
01:07:35,801 --> 01:07:38,386
- You should have let me say it.
1896
01:07:39,638 --> 01:07:40,638
- Good night.
1897
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:14,464
- Steven, what are you doing here?
1898
01:08:14,757 --> 01:08:15,590
- Well, they won't put my calls
1899
01:08:15,883 --> 01:08:16,716
through to your office,
1900
01:08:17,009 --> 01:08:20,095
but I figured you had to have lunch, so.
1901
01:08:20,387 --> 01:08:20,929
- I'd love to, but I'm swamped
1902
01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:21,930
trying to line this thing up.
1903
01:08:22,223 --> 01:08:22,764
- You know, I was waiting for you
1904
01:08:23,057 --> 01:08:23,598
down at the club,
1905
01:08:23,891 --> 01:08:24,432
but you never came down.
1906
01:08:24,725 --> 01:08:25,683
- Well I called.
1907
01:08:25,976 --> 01:08:27,936
You didn't get my message?
1908
01:08:29,188 --> 01:08:31,523
I don't believe it, you don't know.
1909
01:08:31,816 --> 01:08:32,607
No one called you this morning?
1910
01:08:32,900 --> 01:08:34,275
- I'm locked out of my apartment.
1911
01:08:34,568 --> 01:08:35,527
I don't, what?
1912
01:08:36,695 --> 01:08:37,821
- Listen to this.
1913
01:08:38,114 --> 01:08:39,322
I'm having dinner last night
1914
01:08:39,615 --> 01:08:40,782
with this guy,
1915
01:08:41,075 --> 01:08:43,952
major network executive, top brass
1916
01:08:44,245 --> 01:08:45,912
telling him how incredible you are
1917
01:08:46,205 --> 01:08:47,664
insisting he come down to see you,
1918
01:08:47,957 --> 01:08:49,499
and the whole idea just explodes
1919
01:08:49,792 --> 01:08:52,418
into something absolutely spectacular.
1920
01:08:52,711 --> 01:08:53,670
Are you ready?
1921
01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:57,298
Two weeks from today,
1922
01:08:57,591 --> 01:09:00,718
we're coming down with our cameras
1923
01:09:01,011 --> 01:09:02,846
to shoot a one-hour special.
1924
01:09:03,139 --> 01:09:05,265
The pilot for a weekly series
1925
01:09:05,558 --> 01:09:07,058
called Open Audition.
1926
01:09:07,351 --> 01:09:08,768
The winner each week gets
1927
01:09:09,061 --> 01:09:11,479
a guest spot on Johnny Carson.
1928
01:09:11,772 --> 01:09:13,982
What do you think, brilliant?
1929
01:09:15,818 --> 01:09:16,484
- Well, I think it's not what
1930
01:09:16,777 --> 01:09:18,611
you promised me.
1931
01:09:18,904 --> 01:09:20,864
- I promised you'd be seen.
1932
01:09:21,157 --> 01:09:22,115
This is no aimless audition.
1933
01:09:22,408 --> 01:09:23,950
The winner gets a shot at Johnny Carson.
1934
01:09:24,243 --> 01:09:24,784
- No one's coming down
1935
01:09:25,077 --> 01:09:25,994
to see me anymore.
1936
01:09:26,287 --> 01:09:26,870
- Of course they'll see you.
1937
01:09:27,163 --> 01:09:27,745
You're the best there.
1938
01:09:28,038 --> 01:09:28,746
- In your opinion.
1939
01:09:29,039 --> 01:09:30,582
- In my opinion.
1940
01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:32,667
It's worth something.
1941
01:09:32,960 --> 01:09:33,585
- Well, it's certainly worth
1942
01:09:33,878 --> 01:09:35,837
a lot more than your word.
1943
01:09:37,756 --> 01:09:39,549
- Steven, for your information
1944
01:09:39,842 --> 01:09:40,466
the owner of your club
1945
01:09:40,759 --> 01:09:42,385
sent me a list of submissions.
1946
01:09:42,678 --> 01:09:44,762
The name Steven Gold wasn't on it.
1947
01:09:45,055 --> 01:09:48,016
He said you were emotionally unstable.
1948
01:09:49,018 --> 01:09:49,851
I had to exert pressure
1949
01:09:50,144 --> 01:09:51,186
just to keep you in this thing.
1950
01:09:51,478 --> 01:09:52,770
Don't give me heat about my word.
1951
01:09:53,063 --> 01:09:55,190
- Who else exactly is on this list?
1952
01:09:55,482 --> 01:09:56,941
- [Madeline] Why?
1953
01:09:57,234 --> 01:09:57,775
- Because there's someone good
1954
01:09:58,068 --> 01:09:59,944
you might have forgotten.
1955
01:10:01,155 --> 01:10:02,197
- Aren't you nice?
1956
01:10:02,489 --> 01:10:03,156
Aren't you nice?
1957
01:10:03,449 --> 01:10:03,990
Hello everybody,
1958
01:10:04,283 --> 01:10:04,908
and welcome to America's
1959
01:10:05,201 --> 01:10:07,368
favorite noontime show in syndication.
1960
01:10:07,661 --> 01:10:09,746
It's the Lesbian Lunchbox.
1961
01:10:10,039 --> 01:10:10,705
You know, so many lesbians
1962
01:10:10,998 --> 01:10:11,706
come down to see the show.
1963
01:10:11,999 --> 01:10:12,540
I thought we'd just glance around,
1964
01:10:12,833 --> 01:10:13,374
and talk to some lesbians
1965
01:10:13,667 --> 01:10:14,209
that are here tonight.
1966
01:10:14,501 --> 01:10:15,043
Isn't that a good idea?
1967
01:10:15,336 --> 01:10:15,877
Doesn't that sound like
1968
01:10:16,170 --> 01:10:16,711
a wonderful idea to talk to some
1969
01:10:17,004 --> 01:10:17,545
lesbians here in the audience.
1970
01:10:17,838 --> 01:10:18,379
Hi, are you a lesbian?
1971
01:10:18,672 --> 01:10:19,214
- [Female] No!
1972
01:10:19,506 --> 01:10:20,048
- [Male] Methinks the lesbian
1973
01:10:20,341 --> 01:10:21,716
doth protest too much, just teasing you.
1974
01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:24,135
(ringing)
1975
01:10:24,428 --> 01:10:25,345
- Hello.
1976
01:10:25,638 --> 01:10:26,596
- Yeah, this is the phone company.
1977
01:10:26,889 --> 01:10:30,016
Is Mrs. Krytsick in, it's important.
1978
01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:33,144
- [Carrie] Mom, phone company.
1979
01:10:33,437 --> 01:10:34,062
- Hello.
1980
01:10:34,355 --> 01:10:35,355
- Lilah, it's me.
1981
01:10:35,648 --> 01:10:36,439
- Steven.
1982
01:10:36,732 --> 01:10:37,774
- [Steven] Yeah, I'm at the club.
1983
01:10:38,067 --> 01:10:38,608
What's going on?
1984
01:10:38,901 --> 01:10:39,901
Are you coming down?
1985
01:10:40,194 --> 01:10:40,735
- Look, you shouldn't have
1986
01:10:41,028 --> 01:10:42,612
called me here.
1987
01:10:42,905 --> 01:10:45,323
Didn't you get my message?
1988
01:10:45,616 --> 01:10:46,115
- Yeah, I did.
1989
01:10:46,408 --> 01:10:47,242
What does that mean, exactly,
1990
01:10:47,534 --> 01:10:48,076
you can't come down to
1991
01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:49,953
the club for a while?
1992
01:10:50,246 --> 01:10:51,829
- Look, I really can't talk.
1993
01:10:52,122 --> 01:10:52,705
- Well, wait a minute.
1994
01:10:52,998 --> 01:10:53,623
What about the contest?
1995
01:10:53,916 --> 01:10:54,707
You're on the list.
1996
01:10:55,000 --> 01:10:56,209
- What contest?
1997
01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:57,627
- At the club where the winner gets
1998
01:10:57,920 --> 01:10:59,003
a shot on the Carson show.
1999
01:10:59,296 --> 01:11:00,088
- And I'm on the list?
2000
01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:02,924
- Yeah, yeah, I got you on it.
2001
01:11:03,217 --> 01:11:03,883
- [Lilah] When is it?
2002
01:11:04,176 --> 01:11:05,677
- A week from Wednesday.
2003
01:11:05,970 --> 01:11:08,012
- Oh, God, I can't do it.
2004
01:11:08,305 --> 01:11:09,514
- Why not?
2005
01:11:09,807 --> 01:11:11,099
- Look, Steven, I'm kind of in
2006
01:11:11,392 --> 01:11:13,101
a holding pattern here.
2007
01:11:14,603 --> 01:11:16,271
My husband wants me to quit.
2008
01:11:16,563 --> 01:11:18,147
- Jesus Christ, Lilah.
2009
01:11:19,108 --> 01:11:19,774
How long are you gonna put up
2010
01:11:20,067 --> 01:11:21,359
with this horse shit, huh?
2011
01:11:21,652 --> 01:11:23,236
- Steven, it's really not that simple.
2012
01:11:23,529 --> 01:11:24,070
- It is that simple.
2013
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:25,947
You're with the wrong fuckin' guy.
2014
01:11:26,240 --> 01:11:28,408
He doesn't deserve you and you know it.
2015
01:11:28,701 --> 01:11:29,242
I'm not afraid to come up there,
2016
01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:30,868
and tell that to his face, you know.
2017
01:11:31,161 --> 01:11:31,703
You should be with me.
2018
01:11:31,996 --> 01:11:33,496
I'll not afraid to tell him that either.
2019
01:11:33,789 --> 01:11:35,039
- No, no, no, the phone
2020
01:11:35,332 --> 01:11:36,624
is working just fine.
2021
01:11:36,917 --> 01:11:37,458
- Look, Lilah, you get your ass
2022
01:11:37,751 --> 01:11:38,293
over here in a taxicab
2023
01:11:38,585 --> 01:11:39,544
right away, all right?
2024
01:11:39,837 --> 01:11:42,213
- [Lilah] It's a little late for that.
2025
01:11:42,506 --> 01:11:43,256
- Who is it?
2026
01:11:43,549 --> 01:11:44,382
- It's the phone company.
2027
01:11:44,675 --> 01:11:46,342
- Okay, all right tomorrow then.
2028
01:11:46,635 --> 01:11:47,176
You meet me at
2029
01:11:47,469 --> 01:11:48,219
the coffee shop at six o'clock
2030
01:11:48,512 --> 01:11:50,179
- No, I couldn't make that appointment.
2031
01:11:50,472 --> 01:11:51,889
I'm getting my hair done tomorrow.
2032
01:11:52,182 --> 01:11:52,724
- I love your hair!
2033
01:11:53,017 --> 01:11:54,392
- What's wrong with the phone?
2034
01:11:54,685 --> 01:11:55,601
- I don't know.
2035
01:11:55,894 --> 01:11:57,228
- All right, listen.
2036
01:11:57,521 --> 01:11:58,980
You come down, and you meet me,
2037
01:11:59,273 --> 01:11:59,981
or I'm gonna come up there,
2038
01:12:00,274 --> 01:12:01,316
and I'm gonna tell your husband that
2039
01:12:01,608 --> 01:12:02,191
I'm crazy in love with you,
2040
01:12:02,484 --> 01:12:03,943
and that you're in love with me.
2041
01:12:04,236 --> 01:12:04,777
- Wednesday.
2042
01:12:05,070 --> 01:12:06,362
- What time, six o'clock?
2043
01:12:06,655 --> 01:12:08,156
- Don't get hustled into an appointment
2044
01:12:08,449 --> 01:12:10,199
if there's nothing wrong with the phone.
2045
01:12:10,492 --> 01:12:11,284
Give it to me.
2046
01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:12,702
- [Steven] Lilah, six o'clock?
2047
01:12:12,995 --> 01:12:13,536
- No.
2048
01:12:13,829 --> 01:12:14,370
- Give it to me.
2049
01:12:14,663 --> 01:12:15,288
- No, no.
2050
01:12:17,750 --> 01:12:18,499
- Lilah.
2051
01:12:20,044 --> 01:12:21,461
Lilah.
2052
01:12:21,754 --> 01:12:23,629
- I can't talk right now.
2053
01:12:29,845 --> 01:12:32,055
- So that's what this has been about.
2054
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:32,972
- No.
2055
01:12:36,643 --> 01:12:38,144
It's just a friend.
2056
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:40,229
- A man?
2057
01:12:42,983 --> 01:12:44,400
- [Lilah] A comic.
2058
01:12:46,528 --> 01:12:47,445
- Oh, I see.
2059
01:12:49,740 --> 01:12:50,531
- He believes in me.
2060
01:12:50,824 --> 01:12:52,283
He thinks I'm funny.
2061
01:12:59,041 --> 01:12:59,707
- Some day, Lilah,
2062
01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:01,584
and it may be too late
2063
01:13:01,877 --> 01:13:02,418
you're gonna remember that
2064
01:13:02,711 --> 01:13:03,628
the people in this house loved you
2065
01:13:03,921 --> 01:13:06,214
whether you were funny or not.
2066
01:13:07,841 --> 01:13:09,342
- [Jenny] It's 7:30, you happy?
2067
01:13:09,635 --> 01:13:10,259
I'm home.
2068
01:13:13,597 --> 01:13:16,432
(melancholy music)
2069
01:13:46,713 --> 01:13:47,797
- If you can't make money
2070
01:13:48,090 --> 01:13:48,714
selling your services
2071
01:13:49,007 --> 01:13:50,842
what are you gonna sell, your body.
2072
01:13:51,135 --> 01:13:51,968
You're gonna go down to this hospital,
2073
01:13:52,261 --> 01:13:53,761
and get an immediate appraisal of
2074
01:13:54,054 --> 01:13:55,388
your own self-worth.
2075
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:58,099
"450 for your liver, for your liver 450.
2076
01:13:58,392 --> 01:13:58,933
"Two pints of blood?
2077
01:13:59,226 --> 01:14:00,560
"Yes, I'll take it off your hands,
2078
01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:02,270
"and I'll take off your heads.
2079
01:14:02,563 --> 01:14:03,187
"For your eyes 10 cents.
2080
01:14:03,480 --> 01:14:04,814
"No noses today, no noses.
2081
01:14:05,107 --> 01:14:06,232
"Come back Tuesday."
2082
01:14:06,525 --> 01:14:07,525
If you're not gonna sell your body,
2083
01:14:07,818 --> 01:14:09,402
what are you gonna sell, your dreams?
2084
01:14:09,695 --> 01:14:12,655
Go down to one of these dream clinics.
2085
01:14:15,576 --> 01:14:16,617
Can you imagine that?
2086
01:14:16,910 --> 01:14:18,369
Selling your dreams?
2087
01:14:22,708 --> 01:14:24,208
- Hi, so what do you want?
2088
01:14:24,501 --> 01:14:25,042
You know I'm a hair designer.
2089
01:14:25,335 --> 01:14:26,377
I could give you anything.
2090
01:14:26,670 --> 01:14:27,628
Glamour, punk.
2091
01:14:28,589 --> 01:14:31,757
Look at these roots, look at that.
2092
01:14:32,050 --> 01:14:33,759
Want to go back to your natural colour?
2093
01:14:34,052 --> 01:14:35,887
- I just want a change.
2094
01:14:36,180 --> 01:14:37,847
- [Hairdresser] What, a whole new look?
2095
01:14:38,140 --> 01:14:38,973
A whole new thing?
2096
01:14:39,266 --> 01:14:41,476
- Different, I want a change.
2097
01:14:43,103 --> 01:14:44,562
- Okay, okay, great, all right.
2098
01:14:44,855 --> 01:14:45,396
I got a great idea.
2099
01:14:45,689 --> 01:14:47,398
You're gonna love this.
2100
01:14:51,069 --> 01:14:53,154
- [John] Well, this stuff looks ready.
2101
01:14:53,447 --> 01:14:54,322
Where is she?
2102
01:14:54,615 --> 01:14:56,240
- She said she'd be home by 5:30.
2103
01:14:56,533 --> 01:14:57,575
- Well, it's almost six.
2104
01:14:57,868 --> 01:14:59,076
- She's getting her hair done.
2105
01:14:59,369 --> 01:15:00,620
- How long does that take?
2106
01:15:00,913 --> 01:15:02,622
- You better take the roast out.
2107
01:15:02,915 --> 01:15:04,665
- What do I do?
2108
01:15:04,958 --> 01:15:06,250
- [Carrie] Well, you open the oven,
2109
01:15:06,543 --> 01:15:07,293
and take it out.
2110
01:15:07,586 --> 01:15:09,045
- Don't get smart with me.
2111
01:15:09,338 --> 01:15:09,962
- Sorry.
2112
01:15:11,173 --> 01:15:11,839
Stop eating those.
2113
01:15:12,132 --> 01:15:13,591
You'll spoil your appetite.
2114
01:15:13,884 --> 01:15:17,929
Lilah?
2115
01:15:23,727 --> 01:15:24,477
Lilah.
2116
01:15:25,729 --> 01:15:27,730
- I didn't mean to do it.
2117
01:15:28,774 --> 01:15:30,107
I just wanted a change.
2118
01:15:30,400 --> 01:15:31,150
I didn't mean to do it.
2119
01:15:31,443 --> 01:15:32,193
- Now take it easy, Lilah.
2120
01:15:32,486 --> 01:15:33,194
- [Carrie] Mom, don't cry.
2121
01:15:33,487 --> 01:15:35,363
- Take it easy, Lilah, take it easy.
2122
01:15:35,656 --> 01:15:36,239
Come on, come on now,
2123
01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:37,323
come on, honey, come here, come here,
2124
01:15:37,616 --> 01:15:38,449
come here, come here,
2125
01:15:38,742 --> 01:15:40,576
just sit down now, sit down.
2126
01:15:40,869 --> 01:15:41,410
- Just calm down.
2127
01:15:41,703 --> 01:15:42,954
- [Lilah] I didn't do it on purpose.
2128
01:15:43,247 --> 01:15:44,163
- Sit down, sit down.
2129
01:15:44,456 --> 01:15:45,831
It's not that bad.
2130
01:15:46,124 --> 01:15:46,666
- [Carrie] It's not.
2131
01:15:46,959 --> 01:15:48,251
- I look like Buckwheat.
2132
01:15:48,544 --> 01:15:49,502
- No.
2133
01:15:49,795 --> 01:15:50,920
- Come on, you're just not used to it.
2134
01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:52,588
We'll just have to get used to it.
2135
01:15:52,881 --> 01:15:54,799
- Yeah, we got to get used to it.
2136
01:15:55,092 --> 01:15:55,633
- Okay?
2137
01:15:55,926 --> 01:15:56,509
- [Lilah] Okay.
2138
01:15:56,802 --> 01:15:57,677
- Okay, I'll tell you what.
2139
01:15:57,970 --> 01:15:58,553
We're gonna see what we got here.
2140
01:15:58,845 --> 01:15:59,387
Let me look at it.
2141
01:15:59,680 --> 01:16:00,555
- [Lilah] Okay.
2142
01:16:00,847 --> 01:16:03,140
- I'll take a look, okay?
2143
01:16:03,433 --> 01:16:04,976
- [Lilah] Okay, okay.
2144
01:16:15,862 --> 01:16:17,071
- I think it's wonderful.
2145
01:16:17,364 --> 01:16:18,030
- You do?
2146
01:16:18,323 --> 01:16:18,864
- No question.
2147
01:16:19,157 --> 01:16:20,199
- You look like a movie star.
2148
01:16:20,492 --> 01:16:21,534
- You're not just saying that?
2149
01:16:21,827 --> 01:16:22,785
- No.
2150
01:16:23,078 --> 01:16:24,495
- [Heidi] You look like Miss America.
2151
01:16:24,788 --> 01:16:25,746
- [Carrie] You're the prettiest mother
2152
01:16:26,039 --> 01:16:27,373
of any kid at my school.
2153
01:16:27,666 --> 01:16:28,207
- It looks better
2154
01:16:28,500 --> 01:16:29,584
than it ever looked before.
2155
01:16:29,876 --> 01:16:30,418
- Mothers at my school are pigs
2156
01:16:30,711 --> 01:16:31,794
compared to you.
2157
01:16:32,087 --> 01:16:33,296
- Oh, you.
2158
01:16:33,589 --> 01:16:34,422
- They are, they're oinkers
2159
01:16:34,715 --> 01:16:36,090
compared to you.
2160
01:16:36,383 --> 01:16:37,592
- [Heidi] You've got the prettiest hair
2161
01:16:37,884 --> 01:16:39,802
of anyone in the world.
2162
01:16:40,095 --> 01:16:40,970
- Sweetheart.
2163
01:16:43,765 --> 01:16:45,099
Honey, thank you.
2164
01:16:47,477 --> 01:16:49,228
- [Carrie] Thank you.
2165
01:16:49,521 --> 01:16:51,564
(laughter)
2166
01:17:06,330 --> 01:17:08,664
(jazz music)
2167
01:17:26,475 --> 01:17:27,391
- Yo, Lilah.
2168
01:17:28,477 --> 01:17:29,602
- Steven.
2169
01:17:29,895 --> 01:17:30,936
How's it going?
2170
01:17:32,606 --> 01:17:34,023
- Tough going?
2171
01:17:34,316 --> 01:17:35,274
- I like your outfit.
2172
01:17:35,567 --> 01:17:38,694
- Oh, thank you, it's my Italian look.
2173
01:17:38,987 --> 01:17:39,862
Married woman, single man,
2174
01:17:40,155 --> 01:17:41,989
scandalous affair.
2175
01:17:42,282 --> 01:17:44,325
What happened to your head?
2176
01:17:45,744 --> 01:17:46,619
- It's terrible, isn't it?
2177
01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:47,995
- No, no.
2178
01:17:48,288 --> 01:17:50,915
Did they drill holes in it for bowling?
2179
01:17:51,208 --> 01:17:51,791
- Thank you, Steven.
2180
01:17:52,084 --> 01:17:54,001
I knew I could count on you.
2181
01:17:54,294 --> 01:17:55,836
- Always, coffee?
2182
01:17:56,129 --> 01:17:57,088
Dry out a bit.
2183
01:17:58,548 --> 01:18:01,550
Pedro, dos cafe con leche, por favor.
2184
01:18:08,058 --> 01:18:08,808
- Thanks.
2185
01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:14,230
- I didn't get you in trouble, did I,
2186
01:18:14,523 --> 01:18:15,398
by calling you at the house?
2187
01:18:15,691 --> 01:18:17,983
- No, it's not your fault.
2188
01:18:18,276 --> 01:18:19,276
- What's the deal?
2189
01:18:19,569 --> 01:18:20,611
He doesn't let you have friends.
2190
01:18:20,904 --> 01:18:22,071
He doesn't let you do stand-up.
2191
01:18:22,364 --> 01:18:23,656
I'm surprised he lets you out the house.
2192
01:18:23,949 --> 01:18:26,784
- He thinks I'm at a PTA Meeting.
2193
01:18:27,077 --> 01:18:29,286
- So why don't you leave him?
2194
01:18:30,747 --> 01:18:32,790
You could do that, you know.
2195
01:18:33,083 --> 01:18:35,209
People do it all the time.
2196
01:18:35,502 --> 01:18:36,043
Especially, now that he knows
2197
01:18:36,336 --> 01:18:37,336
there's another man.
2198
01:18:37,629 --> 01:18:39,547
You could pack up those kids and split.
2199
01:18:39,840 --> 01:18:41,132
- Steven, I've only got
2200
01:18:41,425 --> 01:18:42,007
a couple of minutes.
2201
01:18:42,300 --> 01:18:43,342
Could we talk serious?
2202
01:18:43,635 --> 01:18:44,677
- Okay, you know why six
2203
01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:46,345
is afraid of seven?
2204
01:18:48,807 --> 01:18:49,473
- [Lilah] What?
2205
01:18:49,766 --> 01:18:50,307
- You want to talk serious.
2206
01:18:50,600 --> 01:18:51,142
This is serious.
2207
01:18:51,435 --> 01:18:52,476
You know why six is afraid of seven?
2208
01:18:52,769 --> 01:18:53,310
- [Lilah] No.
2209
01:18:53,603 --> 01:18:56,480
- Because seven "eight" nine.
2210
01:18:56,773 --> 01:18:58,733
It's a kid's joke.
2211
01:18:59,025 --> 01:19:00,192
See, I do kids' parties,
2212
01:19:00,485 --> 01:19:01,026
and kids love me
2213
01:19:01,319 --> 01:19:02,027
once they get to know me,
2214
01:19:02,320 --> 01:19:04,780
and I think that your kids will love me,
2215
01:19:05,073 --> 01:19:06,532
once they get to know me.
2216
01:19:06,825 --> 01:19:08,701
- I'm sure, Steven.
2217
01:19:08,994 --> 01:19:09,535
- [Steven] You know, Mr. Carrot,
2218
01:19:09,828 --> 01:19:10,369
and Mr. Lettuce had
2219
01:19:10,662 --> 01:19:11,579
a terrible auto accident.
2220
01:19:11,872 --> 01:19:12,413
You know what the doctor said
2221
01:19:12,706 --> 01:19:14,957
when they took them to the hospital?
2222
01:19:15,250 --> 01:19:15,875
- They'd be vegetables
2223
01:19:16,168 --> 01:19:17,042
the rest of their lives.
2224
01:19:17,335 --> 01:19:18,002
- You knew it?
2225
01:19:18,295 --> 01:19:18,836
- [Lilah] No, I didn't.
2226
01:19:19,129 --> 01:19:19,754
- You know, I had a girlfriend,
2227
01:19:20,046 --> 01:19:20,588
she was so skinny.
2228
01:19:20,881 --> 01:19:21,422
- [Lilah] Steven, Steven.
2229
01:19:21,715 --> 01:19:23,758
- You know how skinny she was?
2230
01:19:24,050 --> 01:19:24,884
- When she drank tomato juice
2231
01:19:25,177 --> 01:19:26,260
she looked like a thermometer?
2232
01:19:26,553 --> 01:19:27,094
- That's right.
2233
01:19:27,387 --> 01:19:27,928
You know how ugly she was?
2234
01:19:28,221 --> 01:19:28,763
- [Lilah] Steven, these are so old.
2235
01:19:29,055 --> 01:19:29,597
- Tell me how ugly she was.
2236
01:19:29,890 --> 01:19:30,431
- [Lilah] These are very old.
2237
01:19:30,724 --> 01:19:31,265
- Tell me how ugly was she?
2238
01:19:31,558 --> 01:19:33,184
- How ugly was she?
2239
01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:34,560
How ugly was she?
2240
01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:36,854
When she walked into a room
2241
01:19:38,356 --> 01:19:40,775
all the mice jumped on chairs.
2242
01:19:42,194 --> 01:19:43,527
- Do you see?
2243
01:19:43,820 --> 01:19:46,864
Do you see how great we would be?
2244
01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:50,201
Together, I mean, married or something.
2245
01:19:52,746 --> 01:19:55,039
That's right, that's what I said.
2246
01:19:55,332 --> 01:19:56,373
I said married.
2247
01:20:01,171 --> 01:20:03,422
- Steven, I love my husband.
2248
01:20:08,136 --> 01:20:08,886
- Yeah.
2249
01:20:10,180 --> 01:20:10,930
Well,
2250
01:20:13,809 --> 01:20:14,558
because we're gonna be married
2251
01:20:14,851 --> 01:20:17,061
you'll have to get over that.
2252
01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:20,397
- I know you don't believe it,
2253
01:20:20,690 --> 01:20:22,983
but he loves me, too, he does.
2254
01:20:24,361 --> 01:20:27,488
Sometimes, I think he deserves a medal.
2255
01:20:55,725 --> 01:20:56,475
- Steven,
2256
01:21:00,605 --> 01:21:02,606
you just took it too far.
2257
01:21:03,900 --> 01:21:07,319
We were friends, we are friends, we are.
2258
01:21:07,612 --> 01:21:08,153
It's not like we're not
2259
01:21:08,446 --> 01:21:08,988
gonna see each other,
2260
01:21:09,281 --> 01:21:10,155
we are gonna see each other.
2261
01:21:10,448 --> 01:21:13,784
- You're gonna give up stand-up comedy?
2262
01:21:14,077 --> 01:21:15,119
- I don't know.
2263
01:21:16,872 --> 01:21:17,830
- Well, that's where I am, babe.
2264
01:21:18,123 --> 01:21:19,123
See, I'm Mr. Comedy,
2265
01:21:19,416 --> 01:21:19,957
and if you kiss it off
2266
01:21:20,250 --> 01:21:21,000
then you're kissing me off, too,
2267
01:21:21,293 --> 01:21:21,959
so don't tell me we're gonna
2268
01:21:22,252 --> 01:21:23,127
see each other again.
2269
01:21:23,420 --> 01:21:24,295
- [Lilah] They're my family.
2270
01:21:24,588 --> 01:21:25,129
They need me.
2271
01:21:25,422 --> 01:21:25,963
- What if I told you that
2272
01:21:26,256 --> 01:21:27,923
I was gonna die without you?
2273
01:21:28,216 --> 01:21:28,757
Not that I am, mind you,
2274
01:21:29,050 --> 01:21:29,884
but what if I told you I was?
2275
01:21:30,176 --> 01:21:32,094
That I woke this morning thinking that
2276
01:21:32,387 --> 01:21:35,598
you were all I had to keep me going.
2277
01:21:35,891 --> 01:21:38,684
- You have comedy to keep you going.
2278
01:21:39,895 --> 01:21:40,644
- Yeah.
2279
01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:44,064
- Jesus, what do you want from me?
2280
01:21:44,357 --> 01:21:45,149
- Nothing!
2281
01:21:45,442 --> 01:21:46,066
Nothing.
2282
01:21:47,068 --> 01:21:48,360
Nothing, just go back to New Jersey,
2283
01:21:48,653 --> 01:21:49,904
and clean house and tell jokes
2284
01:21:50,196 --> 01:21:52,031
into a vacuum cleaner handle,
2285
01:21:52,324 --> 01:21:53,115
and when your husband comes home,
2286
01:21:53,408 --> 01:21:55,910
pin a fucking medal on him, pin it deep.
2287
01:21:56,202 --> 01:21:56,911
- You think that's what I want?
2288
01:21:57,203 --> 01:21:57,745
- No, nothing,
2289
01:21:58,038 --> 01:21:58,579
I don't know what you want.
2290
01:21:58,872 --> 01:22:01,498
In the words of our own Billy Lane
2291
01:22:02,709 --> 01:22:04,209
"The love of my life
2292
01:22:04,502 --> 01:22:05,836
"is a lady named Comedy."
2293
01:22:06,129 --> 01:22:06,754
And in the words of Henry Kissinger
2294
01:22:07,047 --> 01:22:07,588
"A man should never be separated
2295
01:22:07,881 --> 01:22:08,672
"from his luggage."
2296
01:22:08,965 --> 01:22:09,506
Now this is neither here nor there,
2297
01:22:09,799 --> 01:22:10,758
but it's right in the middle.
2298
01:22:11,051 --> 01:22:11,800
Right where the thalamus joins
2299
01:22:12,093 --> 01:22:13,552
the basal ganglia which is right there,
2300
01:22:13,845 --> 01:22:15,095
and if you haven't heard basal ganglia,
2301
01:22:15,388 --> 01:22:16,472
you haven't heard Shakespeare performed
2302
01:22:16,765 --> 01:22:18,307
the way it ought to be.
2303
01:22:18,600 --> 01:22:19,808
The basal ganglia,
2304
01:22:20,101 --> 01:22:20,976
where something passing through
2305
01:22:21,269 --> 01:22:22,519
the size of just a peanut
2306
01:22:22,812 --> 01:22:24,647
can bring silence!
2307
01:22:24,940 --> 01:22:27,358
Darkness, like a comet, like a ship,
2308
01:22:27,651 --> 01:22:29,026
lo, passing into the night.
2309
01:22:29,319 --> 01:22:30,027
- This scares me, stop it!
2310
01:22:30,320 --> 01:22:31,153
- Don't be scared
2311
01:22:31,446 --> 01:22:33,155
because I'm funny Steve
2312
01:22:34,074 --> 01:22:35,950
with a lampshade on his head
2313
01:22:36,242 --> 01:22:37,284
who is singing and dancing,
2314
01:22:37,577 --> 01:22:39,954
for your entertainment,
2315
01:22:40,246 --> 01:22:41,580
his own rendition of
2316
01:22:41,873 --> 01:22:43,707
Singing in the Rain!
2317
01:22:44,000 --> 01:22:47,544
♫ La-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la
2318
01:22:51,716 --> 01:22:54,051
(soft music)
2319
01:25:15,944 --> 01:25:17,694
- [Male] Girls, everybody, come close.
2320
01:25:17,987 --> 01:25:19,029
I want to talk to you, please.
2321
01:25:19,322 --> 01:25:20,322
- Marty, come up here.
2322
01:25:20,615 --> 01:25:21,448
Yeah, get Stu to give you a hand,
2323
01:25:21,741 --> 01:25:23,492
come on, whoa, whoa, whoa.
2324
01:25:23,785 --> 01:25:25,160
There are gonna be five judges.
2325
01:25:25,453 --> 01:25:25,994
Five judges, I want them
2326
01:25:26,287 --> 01:25:27,079
seated at table seven.
2327
01:25:27,372 --> 01:25:28,914
Eve, you take care of them.
2328
01:25:29,207 --> 01:25:29,873
Everything's on the cuff.
2329
01:25:30,166 --> 01:25:32,126
Everything's on the house.
2330
01:25:35,171 --> 01:25:36,421
- Hey, you guys!
2331
01:25:37,924 --> 01:25:39,716
They said that Robyn Green is coming,
2332
01:25:40,009 --> 01:25:42,177
and he's gonna be one of the judges.
2333
01:25:42,470 --> 01:25:43,846
- Big fuckin' deal!
2334
01:25:45,807 --> 01:25:46,723
- [Male] You, no way.
2335
01:25:47,016 --> 01:25:47,558
No, no, no way, okay?
2336
01:25:47,851 --> 01:25:48,392
- [Lilah] I don't know where to park.
2337
01:25:48,685 --> 01:25:50,644
- Well, you can't park here, okay?
2338
01:25:50,937 --> 01:25:51,645
- I'm one of the comics.
2339
01:25:51,938 --> 01:25:52,479
- [Male] What's that?
2340
01:25:52,772 --> 01:25:53,313
- I'm one of the comics.
2341
01:25:53,606 --> 01:25:54,398
- Don't tell him to get out of here,
2342
01:25:54,691 --> 01:25:55,482
he's on the show.
2343
01:25:55,775 --> 01:25:56,942
- [Male] All right,
well, listen, back it up.
2344
01:25:57,235 --> 01:25:57,776
- He's gonna win.
2345
01:25:58,069 --> 01:26:01,321
- Great, pull around back there, park it.
2346
01:26:01,614 --> 01:26:02,489
People, the show don't start
2347
01:26:02,782 --> 01:26:03,365
for two hours.
2348
01:26:03,658 --> 01:26:04,491
Please get out of here.
2349
01:26:04,784 --> 01:26:05,617
Whoa, who, whoa,
2350
01:26:05,910 --> 01:26:07,411
that's electric that cable.
2351
01:26:07,704 --> 01:26:08,287
- Rico, you're seven,
2352
01:26:08,580 --> 01:26:09,621
Petroviak, you're eight,
2353
01:26:09,914 --> 01:26:10,998
Lilah, nine, where's Lilah?
2354
01:26:11,291 --> 01:26:12,124
Doesn't she know there's a contest?
2355
01:26:12,417 --> 01:26:14,168
Where's Steven, where's Ball?
2356
01:26:14,460 --> 01:26:15,002
Didn't I tell everybody
2357
01:26:15,295 --> 01:26:17,087
to be here by six o'clock?
2358
01:26:17,380 --> 01:26:17,921
Will you tell me when
2359
01:26:18,214 --> 01:26:18,755
they get here, please.
2360
01:26:19,048 --> 01:26:20,507
- Romeo, why I got to go first, man?
2361
01:26:20,800 --> 01:26:21,425
- Somebody's got to go first.
2362
01:26:21,718 --> 01:26:22,593
Why shouldn't it be you?
2363
01:26:22,886 --> 01:26:23,510
- [Albert] I don't want to go after Ball.
2364
01:26:23,803 --> 01:26:24,720
- What is this, a mutiny?
2365
01:26:25,013 --> 01:26:26,805
- I didn't get a number.
2366
01:26:29,726 --> 01:26:33,020
- Billy, what are you doing here?
2367
01:26:33,313 --> 01:26:34,229
- The contest.
2368
01:26:35,815 --> 01:26:38,567
- Billy, didn't you, I had a list.
2369
01:26:39,652 --> 01:26:41,653
Didn't you read the list?
2370
01:26:42,697 --> 01:26:44,781
Billy, I'm terribly sorry.
2371
01:26:45,074 --> 01:26:47,326
I only got ten spots.
2372
01:26:47,619 --> 01:26:49,453
It's a network television audition.
2373
01:26:49,746 --> 01:26:52,039
It's for comics of the future.
2374
01:26:54,083 --> 01:26:56,126
Come on, I need you in the audience.
2375
01:26:56,419 --> 01:26:58,754
I need you for laughter, huh?
2376
01:26:59,047 --> 01:26:59,588
Come on, I need everybody.
2377
01:26:59,881 --> 01:27:00,547
Everybody's got to laugh
2378
01:27:00,840 --> 01:27:01,506
at everybody else's act.
2379
01:27:01,799 --> 01:27:03,425
We're a family, right?
2380
01:27:07,972 --> 01:27:10,140
Relax, I'll call you later.
2381
01:27:16,564 --> 01:27:18,565
(sirens)
2382
01:27:26,115 --> 01:27:27,991
- I have an announcement, folks.
2383
01:27:28,284 --> 01:27:29,743
Elvis has cancelled.
2384
01:27:32,121 --> 01:27:32,955
Please turn in your tickets
2385
01:27:33,248 --> 01:27:33,997
at the box office.
2386
01:27:34,290 --> 01:27:35,916
You want to bop a little bit, girls.
2387
01:27:36,209 --> 01:27:37,417
Here come the dogs.
2388
01:27:37,710 --> 01:27:39,670
(barking)
2389
01:27:46,052 --> 01:27:48,428
- Mom, dessert's ready.
2390
01:27:48,721 --> 01:27:50,806
Dad wants you to come down.
2391
01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:53,058
Mom?
2392
01:27:57,188 --> 01:27:59,356
Dad made a special dessert.
2393
01:28:01,567 --> 01:28:03,318
- Where are you going?
2394
01:28:04,362 --> 01:28:07,281
- There's a contest at the club tonight.
2395
01:28:07,573 --> 01:28:08,949
I want to be in it.
2396
01:28:10,952 --> 01:28:11,952
- [Carrie] But you promised Daddy.
2397
01:28:12,245 --> 01:28:13,036
- I promised Daddy
2398
01:28:13,329 --> 01:28:16,748
I would think about it, and I have.
2399
01:28:17,041 --> 01:28:17,916
If you guys would come in
2400
01:28:18,209 --> 01:28:18,875
I'd like to talk to you
2401
01:28:19,168 --> 01:28:22,212
about what I've been thinking, come on.
2402
01:28:24,424 --> 01:28:25,173
Come on.
2403
01:28:31,347 --> 01:28:32,097
There's three things
2404
01:28:32,390 --> 01:28:34,266
in this world that I love.
2405
01:28:34,559 --> 01:28:36,268
I love being a mom.
2406
01:28:36,561 --> 01:28:38,562
I love being a wife,
2407
01:28:38,855 --> 01:28:39,521
and I love being able
2408
01:28:39,814 --> 01:28:41,064
to make people laugh.
2409
01:28:41,357 --> 01:28:42,524
I've always been able to
2410
01:28:42,817 --> 01:28:43,692
make people laugh
2411
01:28:43,985 --> 01:28:46,737
even when I was a little girl.
2412
01:28:47,030 --> 01:28:49,323
It's always made me feel good.
2413
01:28:50,783 --> 01:28:53,035
It still makes me feel good.
2414
01:28:55,288 --> 01:28:56,204
The thing is
2415
01:28:57,165 --> 01:28:58,749
when you do it right,
2416
01:28:59,042 --> 01:29:01,126
and you make people laugh
2417
01:29:01,419 --> 01:29:02,377
it feels like,
2418
01:29:04,130 --> 01:29:05,714
like you're doing something that
2419
01:29:06,007 --> 01:29:09,551
no one else could do quite the same.
2420
01:29:09,844 --> 01:29:10,469
You know?
2421
01:29:12,263 --> 01:29:13,597
It makes you feel
2422
01:29:15,475 --> 01:29:16,224
special.
2423
01:29:19,270 --> 01:29:20,354
I'd be a happy mom if you guys
2424
01:29:20,646 --> 01:29:21,938
could find something in your lives that
2425
01:29:22,231 --> 01:29:23,190
could make you feel that way,
2426
01:29:23,483 --> 01:29:25,150
you know, make you feel special.
2427
01:29:25,443 --> 01:29:26,985
You know what I mean?
2428
01:29:30,573 --> 01:29:32,616
I'd be even happier
2429
01:29:32,909 --> 01:29:33,950
knowing that the people who loved you
2430
01:29:34,243 --> 01:29:36,370
were helping you to do that.
2431
01:29:42,043 --> 01:29:43,960
I want to be a wife.
2432
01:29:44,253 --> 01:29:46,296
I want to be your mom,
2433
01:29:46,589 --> 01:29:48,840
and I want to be a comedienne.
2434
01:29:50,635 --> 01:29:52,094
I know.
2435
01:29:52,387 --> 01:29:53,762
People don't always get everything
2436
01:29:54,055 --> 01:29:55,680
they want out of life.
2437
01:29:59,435 --> 01:30:02,521
But it would feel terrible to not try.
2438
01:30:09,529 --> 01:30:10,278
- Lilah,
2439
01:30:11,697 --> 01:30:12,948
could I see you?
2440
01:30:14,742 --> 01:30:16,701
- When I come home.
2441
01:30:16,994 --> 01:30:18,370
- I mean, do it.
2442
01:30:18,663 --> 01:30:20,622
I'd like to see you do it.
2443
01:30:23,751 --> 01:30:24,918
- Say yes, Mom.
2444
01:30:31,843 --> 01:30:32,592
- Okay.
2445
01:30:34,387 --> 01:30:38,014
- [Carrie and Heidi] Yeah,
yeah, yeah, all right.
2446
01:30:38,307 --> 01:30:38,974
- [Steven] It's Robyn Green,
2447
01:30:39,267 --> 01:30:40,809
ladies and gentlemen.
2448
01:30:43,688 --> 01:30:45,355
Let's not get too close to Robyn, folks.
2449
01:30:45,648 --> 01:30:46,690
Robyn's a celebrity.
2450
01:30:46,983 --> 01:30:47,524
He doesn't want to be bothered
2451
01:30:47,817 --> 01:30:48,900
by scum like us.
2452
01:30:49,193 --> 01:30:50,444
Oh, look, he's got a bodyguard.
2453
01:30:50,736 --> 01:30:51,278
I bet you anything
2454
01:30:51,571 --> 01:30:53,071
his name is Vic or Tony.
2455
01:30:53,364 --> 01:30:55,740
How's the bone-breaking business, Tony?
2456
01:30:56,033 --> 01:30:57,659
Ha-ha, nice hair.
2457
01:30:57,952 --> 01:31:00,203
Oh, it's another limousine, everybody.
2458
01:31:00,496 --> 01:31:01,621
That can only mean one thing,
2459
01:31:01,914 --> 01:31:02,706
a celebrity's inside.
2460
01:31:02,999 --> 01:31:04,416
Let's see who it is.
2461
01:31:04,709 --> 01:31:05,667
It's some guy.
2462
01:31:07,545 --> 01:31:09,421
It's some older gentleman
2463
01:31:09,714 --> 01:31:11,798
with some beautiful blonde babe.
2464
01:31:12,091 --> 01:31:12,674
Hey, folks, can you stop
2465
01:31:12,967 --> 01:31:14,759
just for a photograph, please?
2466
01:31:15,052 --> 01:31:16,136
Come on, come on.
2467
01:31:16,429 --> 01:31:18,847
Just for a lively little photograph.
2468
01:31:19,140 --> 01:31:21,183
- [Female] Who is that guy?
2469
01:31:35,072 --> 01:31:35,864
- Come on in, everybody.
2470
01:31:36,157 --> 01:31:36,990
The contest hasn't started.
2471
01:31:37,283 --> 01:31:38,325
You're gonna see a great show.
2472
01:31:38,618 --> 01:31:39,493
I had to come up on stage.
2473
01:31:39,785 --> 01:31:41,286
I had to say hello because I love you.
2474
01:31:41,579 --> 01:31:42,287
How much do I love you?
2475
01:31:42,580 --> 01:31:45,081
- Give a hand for Robyn Green, huh?
2476
01:31:45,374 --> 01:31:47,501
The wonderful Robyn Green.
2477
01:31:47,793 --> 01:31:49,461
- We don't have time for any more jokes,
2478
01:31:49,754 --> 01:31:50,420
ladies and gentlemen.
2479
01:31:50,713 --> 01:31:51,588
Maybe a couple of punchlines.
2480
01:31:51,881 --> 01:31:52,797
Ping Pong balls?
2481
01:31:53,090 --> 01:31:55,967
I thought you said King Kong's balls.
2482
01:31:57,803 --> 01:31:58,512
- Honey, you look great.
2483
01:31:58,804 --> 01:31:59,346
- [Lilah] So do you.
2484
01:31:59,639 --> 01:32:01,014
Good to see you.
2485
01:32:01,307 --> 01:32:03,141
Hi Joycee, thanks,
2486
01:32:03,434 --> 01:32:04,351
thanks.
2487
01:32:04,644 --> 01:32:05,185
- Ladies and gentlemen,
2488
01:32:05,478 --> 01:32:06,019
Robyn Green, you know,
2489
01:32:06,312 --> 01:32:07,145
started right on this very stage,
2490
01:32:07,438 --> 01:32:08,647
and now I can't get him off.
2491
01:32:08,940 --> 01:32:10,565
Off, off, off, off, off.
2492
01:32:10,858 --> 01:32:11,399
- Thank you very much,
2493
01:32:11,692 --> 01:32:12,234
ladies and gentlemen.
2494
01:32:12,527 --> 01:32:14,110
Romeo, Romeo.
2495
01:32:14,403 --> 01:32:16,238
- Very good, very good, Robyn.
2496
01:32:16,531 --> 01:32:17,739
That's wonderful.
2497
01:32:20,368 --> 01:32:21,117
Ladies and gentlemen,
2498
01:32:21,410 --> 01:32:22,911
this is a big night for us here at
2499
01:32:23,204 --> 01:32:24,246
the Gas Station because
2500
01:32:24,539 --> 01:32:26,831
we have a distinguished panel of judges
2501
01:32:27,124 --> 01:32:27,874
who are gonna select one of
2502
01:32:28,167 --> 01:32:29,334
our rising young comedians,
2503
01:32:29,627 --> 01:32:31,044
and give him an opportunity
2504
01:32:31,337 --> 01:32:33,630
on a major network television show.
2505
01:32:33,923 --> 01:32:34,839
I'd like to have a hand for our
2506
01:32:35,132 --> 01:32:37,842
distinguished panel of judges, huh?
2507
01:32:40,012 --> 01:32:43,098
You remember them from Nuremberg, huh?
2508
01:32:44,767 --> 01:32:45,642
It's time to roll,
2509
01:32:45,935 --> 01:32:47,269
ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
2510
01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:48,395
- [Male] And tape is rolling.
2511
01:32:48,688 --> 01:32:50,438
- Tape is rolling.
2512
01:32:50,731 --> 01:32:51,356
- [Male] We are on a go.
2513
01:32:51,649 --> 01:32:54,317
- We are on a go, okay, now, okay?
2514
01:32:54,610 --> 01:32:56,736
(drum roll)
2515
01:32:57,947 --> 01:32:59,656
Welcome to contest night at
2516
01:32:59,949 --> 01:33:01,157
the Gas Station.
2517
01:33:01,450 --> 01:33:03,827
(upbeat music)
2518
01:33:09,750 --> 01:33:11,626
- ♫ Stop
2519
01:33:11,919 --> 01:33:13,128
♫ Stop
2520
01:33:13,421 --> 01:33:16,298
♫ Stop what you're doing and think of me
2521
01:33:16,591 --> 01:33:19,551
♫ Stop
2522
01:33:19,844 --> 01:33:22,929
♫ Stop what you're doing and think of me
2523
01:33:23,222 --> 01:33:25,932
♫ I'm so successful
2524
01:33:26,225 --> 01:33:29,060
♫ Oh, can't you see?
2525
01:33:29,353 --> 01:33:32,314
♫ I love to hug myself
2526
01:33:32,607 --> 01:33:35,275
♫ It brings me ecstasy
2527
01:33:35,568 --> 01:33:36,192
- You know, a lot of people
2528
01:33:36,485 --> 01:33:39,654
think all black men are well-hung.
2529
01:33:39,947 --> 01:33:41,823
This ain't the truth.
2530
01:33:42,116 --> 01:33:42,616
You got brothers out there
2531
01:33:42,908 --> 01:33:45,285
with three and four inches.
2532
01:33:45,578 --> 01:33:46,536
Yeah, those are the ones that
2533
01:33:46,829 --> 01:33:48,038
date white women.
2534
01:33:50,666 --> 01:33:52,334
Is this thing on?
2535
01:33:52,627 --> 01:33:53,293
- So I was at my girlfriend's house
2536
01:33:53,586 --> 01:33:55,462
the other day, and she was waking up.
2537
01:33:55,755 --> 01:33:58,214
She leans over to me and she says
2538
01:33:58,507 --> 01:34:01,051
"Sweet pea, want some breakfast?"
2539
01:34:04,805 --> 01:34:07,265
- I am pissed off of a Japanese.
2540
01:34:07,558 --> 01:34:09,684
Japanese people piss me off.
2541
01:34:09,977 --> 01:34:11,311
Yes, you know why?
2542
01:34:11,604 --> 01:34:12,437
You know why?
2543
01:34:12,730 --> 01:34:13,563
- [Audience] Why?
2544
01:34:13,856 --> 01:34:16,608
- Feel how heavy this shit is.
2545
01:34:16,901 --> 01:34:17,734
- When a guy is mean to us,
2546
01:34:18,027 --> 01:34:18,818
or if he cheats on us
2547
01:34:19,111 --> 01:34:21,363
we can't tell him you're a bastard.
2548
01:34:21,656 --> 01:34:22,864
We'll call our girlfriends up, right?
2549
01:34:23,157 --> 01:34:25,825
And with a syllable hysteria
2550
01:34:26,118 --> 01:34:28,119
He-hurt-me-so-much
2551
01:34:28,412 --> 01:34:29,954
I-can't-take-the-pain
2552
01:34:31,165 --> 01:34:32,874
I-gave-to-him-my-love.
2553
01:34:35,920 --> 01:34:38,171
- Is she almost finished?
2554
01:34:38,464 --> 01:34:39,589
- I don't know.
2555
01:34:39,882 --> 01:34:40,799
- I'm on next.
2556
01:34:41,092 --> 01:34:41,883
- Fantastic.
2557
01:34:43,302 --> 01:34:44,719
- Prepare for greatness.
2558
01:34:45,012 --> 01:34:46,096
- All set.
2559
01:34:46,389 --> 01:34:47,472
- [Female Comedian] Thank you.
2560
01:34:47,765 --> 01:34:49,474
- You know what I like to do sometimes?
2561
01:34:49,767 --> 01:34:50,684
I like to piss off Iranians.
2562
01:34:50,976 --> 01:34:51,518
I like to piss off
2563
01:34:51,811 --> 01:34:52,352
Middle Eastern people.
2564
01:34:52,645 --> 01:34:54,521
It's called punk terrorism,
2565
01:34:54,814 --> 01:34:55,355
and what I do, right,
2566
01:34:55,648 --> 01:34:57,357
is I go downtown to carpet stores,
2567
01:34:57,650 --> 01:35:00,151
and I walk into the place and I say
2568
01:35:00,444 --> 01:35:01,486
"Hi, I want carpet,
2569
01:35:01,779 --> 01:35:03,571
"but I don't have the square footage."
2570
01:35:03,864 --> 01:35:05,740
An Iranian guy will say
2571
01:35:06,033 --> 01:35:07,659
"You don't want carpet
2572
01:35:09,578 --> 01:35:11,413
"you want an area rug."
2573
01:35:14,125 --> 01:35:15,041
And I say "No, I don't want
2574
01:35:15,334 --> 01:35:16,292
"an area rug."
2575
01:35:17,670 --> 01:35:18,628
These people are like
2576
01:35:18,921 --> 01:35:19,587
newly-bom bald eagles.
2577
01:35:19,880 --> 01:35:22,257
You know, it's like "area rug."
2578
01:35:27,722 --> 01:35:29,264
- ♫ It don't mean a thing
2579
01:35:29,557 --> 01:35:31,766
♫ If it ain't got that swing
2580
01:35:32,059 --> 01:35:33,017
♫ Do-wha-do-wha Do-wha-do-wha
2581
01:35:33,310 --> 01:35:36,229
♫ Do-wha-do-Wha Do-wha-do-wha
2582
01:35:36,522 --> 01:35:37,897
- Have you seen Mister Ball?
2583
01:35:38,190 --> 01:35:39,941
We can't find him up here.
2584
01:35:40,234 --> 01:35:41,276
- He's not down here.
2585
01:35:41,569 --> 01:35:42,277
- Well, somebody better find him.
2586
01:35:42,570 --> 01:35:44,696
He's about to miss his spot.
2587
01:35:46,615 --> 01:35:47,532
- Let's do a Mary.
2588
01:35:47,825 --> 01:35:48,616
♫ Mary, Mary, Bo Berry
2589
01:35:48,909 --> 01:35:49,534
♫ Banana Fanna fo Ferry
2590
01:35:49,827 --> 01:35:51,828
♫ Fee Fi Mo Airy, Mary
2591
01:35:52,121 --> 01:35:53,371
A little trick with Jesus.
2592
01:35:53,664 --> 01:35:54,330
♫ Jesus, Jesus Bo Besus
2593
01:35:54,623 --> 01:35:55,623
♫ Banana Fanna fo Jesus
2594
01:35:55,916 --> 01:35:58,126
♫ Fee Fi Mo Besus, Jesus
2595
01:35:58,419 --> 01:36:00,462
Let's do Pope John Paul.
2596
01:36:00,755 --> 01:36:02,505
(knocking)
2597
01:36:02,798 --> 01:36:04,007
- Hello.
2598
01:36:04,300 --> 01:36:05,759
Is anybody in there?
2599
01:36:09,638 --> 01:36:10,346
Mister Ball?
2600
01:36:10,639 --> 01:36:13,892
- [Mister Ball] This is the men's room.
2601
01:36:14,185 --> 01:36:15,769
- Are you all right?
2602
01:36:16,061 --> 01:36:16,936
- I can't do it.
2603
01:36:17,229 --> 01:36:19,230
- Yes, you can, you're up.
2604
01:36:19,523 --> 01:36:20,106
- I'm gonna puke.
2605
01:36:20,399 --> 01:36:21,524
- Take a deep breath.
2606
01:36:21,817 --> 01:36:22,567
- They're gonna hate me.
2607
01:36:22,860 --> 01:36:23,818
- They're gonna love you.
2608
01:36:24,111 --> 01:36:24,903
- They always hate me.
2609
01:36:25,196 --> 01:36:26,362
- You're gonna turn it around tonight,
2610
01:36:26,655 --> 01:36:27,572
Mister Ball.
2611
01:36:27,865 --> 01:36:28,364
- You think so?
2612
01:36:28,657 --> 01:36:29,282
- Yes, I do, I think so.
2613
01:36:29,575 --> 01:36:30,992
I feel it, I really feel it.
2614
01:36:31,285 --> 01:36:31,826
Now come on,
2615
01:36:32,119 --> 01:36:33,369
you have to do it for your students.
2616
01:36:33,662 --> 01:36:34,204
- I got to do it for them.
2617
01:36:34,497 --> 01:36:35,872
- You got to do it for
the History Department.
2618
01:36:36,165 --> 01:36:37,040
- For the History
Department I got to do it.
2619
01:36:37,333 --> 01:36:37,832
- Come on, you can do it.
2620
01:36:38,125 --> 01:36:38,666
Get out there,
2621
01:36:38,959 --> 01:36:39,667
get on that stage, and kill.
2622
01:36:39,960 --> 01:36:40,502
- I'll try.
2623
01:36:40,795 --> 01:36:41,336
- You'll try, you'll do it.
2624
01:36:41,629 --> 01:36:42,295
- Did you notice my wife out there?
2625
01:36:42,588 --> 01:36:43,296
- I did, I did, she's sitting there.
2626
01:36:43,589 --> 01:36:44,881
She looks great, she's got a good seat.
2627
01:36:45,174 --> 01:36:46,341
You look wonderful.
2628
01:36:46,634 --> 01:36:47,383
- [Mister Ball] Thanks, you like the suit?
2629
01:36:47,676 --> 01:36:48,218
- Yes, very much.
2630
01:36:48,511 --> 01:36:50,970
- [Mister Ball] It's reversible.
2631
01:36:56,018 --> 01:36:56,768
- Billy?
2632
01:36:58,896 --> 01:36:59,562
- I love travelling
2633
01:36:59,855 --> 01:37:00,522
because when you travel
2634
01:37:00,815 --> 01:37:01,648
you see a lot of history.
2635
01:37:01,941 --> 01:37:03,441
I went to France.
2636
01:37:03,734 --> 01:37:04,609
France, you have to know
2637
01:37:04,902 --> 01:37:05,443
the language when you go there,
2638
01:37:05,736 --> 01:37:06,778
otherwise, they don't like you.
2639
01:37:07,071 --> 01:37:08,112
So I bought these tapes,
2640
01:37:08,405 --> 01:37:08,947
where you learn
2641
01:37:09,240 --> 01:37:10,365
the language while you sleep,
2642
01:37:10,658 --> 01:37:11,199
but there was something
2643
01:37:11,492 --> 01:37:12,283
wrong with my tape.
2644
01:37:12,576 --> 01:37:13,243
Halfway through
2645
01:37:13,536 --> 01:37:15,954
it went into disco music.
2646
01:37:16,247 --> 01:37:17,956
I didn't know this 'til I got there.
2647
01:37:18,249 --> 01:37:18,998
I get off the plane, somebody goes,
2648
01:37:19,291 --> 01:37:20,375
Parlez-vous francais?
2649
01:37:20,668 --> 01:37:23,628
I went Oui, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it.
2650
01:37:24,880 --> 01:37:25,880
I looked around,
2651
01:37:26,173 --> 01:37:27,257
and then I went to Canada
2652
01:37:27,550 --> 01:37:28,925
- Steven, Steven,
2653
01:37:29,218 --> 01:37:29,759
something's wrong with Billy.
2654
01:37:30,052 --> 01:37:30,593
- [Mister Ball] Canada they want to be
2655
01:37:30,886 --> 01:37:32,053
so much like America,
2656
01:37:32,346 --> 01:37:32,887
but they have different rules,
2657
01:37:33,180 --> 01:37:35,056
and regulations up there.
2658
01:37:37,226 --> 01:37:38,351
- [Steven] Is there any
2659
01:37:38,644 --> 01:37:40,103
pressure right here?
2660
01:37:41,146 --> 01:37:42,397
- No.
2661
01:37:42,690 --> 01:37:43,356
- [Steven] Is there any sensation
2662
01:37:43,649 --> 01:37:44,190
in this arm,
2663
01:37:44,483 --> 01:37:46,359
or numbness in the left hand?
2664
01:37:46,652 --> 01:37:47,527
- [Billy] No.
2665
01:37:49,154 --> 01:37:50,238
- Is your stomach queasy?
2666
01:37:50,531 --> 01:37:52,240
Do you have a headache?
2667
01:37:53,742 --> 01:37:54,492
- [Billy] No.
2668
01:37:54,785 --> 01:37:56,661
- Are you taking any medication?
2669
01:37:56,954 --> 01:37:57,996
- [Billy] None.
2670
01:37:59,707 --> 01:38:02,625
- Seen any bad TV shows or anything?
2671
01:38:03,752 --> 01:38:04,878
Okay, is there any pain
2672
01:38:05,170 --> 01:38:06,170
when you breathe?
2673
01:38:06,463 --> 01:38:07,088
Any pain there?
2674
01:38:07,381 --> 01:38:07,922
Any pain when I lift
2675
01:38:08,215 --> 01:38:09,841
your arm up like this?
2676
01:38:11,510 --> 01:38:14,012
- I don't have any pain.
2677
01:38:14,305 --> 01:38:15,972
You didn't have to come down here.
2678
01:38:16,265 --> 01:38:16,973
- Is there someone
2679
01:38:17,266 --> 01:38:19,100
who can take you home tonight?
2680
01:38:19,393 --> 01:38:20,602
- I'm gonna stay.
2681
01:38:21,729 --> 01:38:23,563
I want to see who wins.
2682
01:38:26,609 --> 01:38:28,067
- It's not a heart attack.
2683
01:38:28,360 --> 01:38:30,403
You got a rock-steady pulse.
2684
01:38:30,696 --> 01:38:31,237
- I'm fine.
2685
01:38:31,530 --> 01:38:33,573
- Okay, you'll be all right down here?
2686
01:38:33,866 --> 01:38:36,242
Okay, just relax, take it easy.
2687
01:38:37,661 --> 01:38:40,914
- You know, it's a great feeling to win.
2688
01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:45,877
I did it once in a contest in Las Vegas.
2689
01:38:47,171 --> 01:38:49,088
It was bigger than this.
2690
01:38:50,215 --> 01:38:53,009
I won a shot on the Ed Sullivan Show.
2691
01:38:53,302 --> 01:38:54,427
Ever hear of it?
2692
01:38:56,430 --> 01:38:58,556
It was bigger than Carson.
2693
01:38:58,849 --> 01:38:59,474
Bigger.
2694
01:39:01,393 --> 01:39:02,143
Any day.
2695
01:39:18,243 --> 01:39:19,202
- I have to tell this right off, folks.
2696
01:39:19,495 --> 01:39:21,454
I have a drinking problem.
2697
01:39:21,747 --> 01:39:22,288
I've been drinking like
2698
01:39:22,581 --> 01:39:23,790
a fish all night.
2699
01:39:25,668 --> 01:39:27,835
(laughter)
2700
01:39:31,924 --> 01:39:32,840
Here's my impression
2701
01:39:33,133 --> 01:39:34,300
of a dentist appointment.
2702
01:39:34,593 --> 01:39:36,386
"This won't hurt a bit."
2703
01:39:38,138 --> 01:39:39,514
- He's good.
2704
01:39:39,807 --> 01:39:42,183
- But not good enough to take me.
2705
01:39:42,476 --> 01:39:43,184
- You're up for it.
2706
01:39:43,477 --> 01:39:44,686
- Oh yeah, I'm going out with a bang.
2707
01:39:44,979 --> 01:39:46,813
I got all new stuff, how about you?
2708
01:39:47,106 --> 01:39:48,982
- Oh, I got some new stuff.
2709
01:39:49,274 --> 01:39:49,816
- Good, get up there,
2710
01:39:50,109 --> 01:39:51,985
and beat me up with it.
2711
01:39:52,277 --> 01:39:53,695
- I'll do the best I can.
2712
01:39:53,988 --> 01:39:55,196
- I'll do better.
2713
01:39:55,489 --> 01:39:56,030
- [Jerry] I know what you
2714
01:39:56,323 --> 01:39:58,032
people want now, jokes!
2715
01:40:00,661 --> 01:40:02,078
- Steven,
2716
01:40:02,371 --> 01:40:03,913
I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
2717
01:40:04,206 --> 01:40:04,998
- Well, forget about it.
2718
01:40:05,290 --> 01:40:06,749
You're not missing anything.
2719
01:40:07,042 --> 01:40:08,167
I'm a lousy lay.
2720
01:40:09,628 --> 01:40:10,878
- Yeah, so am I.
2721
01:40:11,839 --> 01:40:12,880
- See, we'd have been
2722
01:40:13,173 --> 01:40:14,799
perfect for each other.
2723
01:40:15,092 --> 01:40:16,092
- [Romeo] Jerry Petroviak,
2724
01:40:16,385 --> 01:40:17,927
all right, all right.
2725
01:40:24,852 --> 01:40:25,518
- What?
2726
01:40:25,811 --> 01:40:26,352
- I'm on next.
2727
01:40:26,645 --> 01:40:27,186
- So, take it easy, you'll be fine.
2728
01:40:27,479 --> 01:40:29,564
- [Romeo] Now, this next
lady I told you about.
2729
01:40:29,857 --> 01:40:33,317
- Oh God, I can't remember anything.
2730
01:40:33,610 --> 01:40:34,694
- Why is six afraid of seven?
2731
01:40:34,987 --> 01:40:35,987
- [Romeo] Seriously,
she's one of the really
2732
01:40:36,280 --> 01:40:37,321
promising talents here at
2733
01:40:37,614 --> 01:40:38,156
the Gas Station.
2734
01:40:38,449 --> 01:40:39,365
- Because seven "eight" nine.
2735
01:40:39,658 --> 01:40:40,283
- [Romeo] She's beautiful, she's married.
2736
01:40:40,576 --> 01:40:41,701
- Go kill them.
2737
01:40:41,994 --> 01:40:43,286
- [Romeo] She's the mother that roared.
2738
01:40:43,579 --> 01:40:44,370
Let's have a big hand
2739
01:40:44,663 --> 01:40:46,080
for Lilah Krytsick.
2740
01:40:46,373 --> 01:40:48,166
Come on, Lilah, come on up here.
2741
01:40:48,459 --> 01:40:49,459
- Thanks, Steven.
2742
01:40:49,752 --> 01:40:52,128
(upbeat music)
2743
01:40:53,297 --> 01:40:55,465
(applause)
2744
01:41:11,982 --> 01:41:12,774
Hi.
2745
01:41:13,067 --> 01:41:14,192
- [Audience] Hi.
2746
01:41:15,736 --> 01:41:16,903
- How are you?
2747
01:41:17,196 --> 01:41:18,488
- [Audience] Fine.
2748
01:41:19,865 --> 01:41:22,075
- Hi.
2749
01:41:22,367 --> 01:41:22,950
- [Lilah] What's your name?
2750
01:41:23,243 --> 01:41:23,785
- Mark.
2751
01:41:24,078 --> 01:41:25,787
- Mark, are you married?
2752
01:41:26,080 --> 01:41:27,455
- [Mark] Yes, yes, this is my wife.
2753
01:41:27,748 --> 01:41:29,791
- [Lilah] How long have you been married?
2754
01:41:30,084 --> 01:41:30,875
- [Mark] Six months.
2755
01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:31,959
- Six months?
2756
01:41:32,252 --> 01:41:33,002
- [Mark] Too long.
2757
01:41:33,295 --> 01:41:34,378
- Too long?
2758
01:41:34,671 --> 01:41:36,589
Now listen, you shouldn't laugh.
2759
01:41:36,882 --> 01:41:38,466
It's very difficult, it honestly is.
2760
01:41:38,759 --> 01:41:39,967
I mean, we all know this.
2761
01:41:40,260 --> 01:41:41,928
You're never on solid ground.
2762
01:41:42,221 --> 01:41:44,138
I've been married to my husband
2763
01:41:44,431 --> 01:41:45,098
for 15 years.
2764
01:41:45,390 --> 01:41:46,015
Sometimes, he comes home,
2765
01:41:46,308 --> 01:41:47,058
and I look at him and say
2766
01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:48,184
"Who is this man?
2767
01:41:48,477 --> 01:41:49,102
"How did he get in my house?
2768
01:41:49,394 --> 01:41:51,687
"I've never seen him before in my life."
2769
01:41:51,980 --> 01:41:53,898
And other times our identities meld,
2770
01:41:54,191 --> 01:41:56,818
you know, I itch, he scratches,
2771
01:41:57,111 --> 01:41:58,069
I feel better.
2772
01:41:59,446 --> 01:42:00,905
I mean, I don't know where
2773
01:42:01,198 --> 01:42:02,573
he ends and I begin
2774
01:42:03,534 --> 01:42:04,534
except in bed
2775
01:42:06,495 --> 01:42:07,495
when he's usually ending,
2776
01:42:07,788 --> 01:42:09,163
just when I'm beginning.
2777
01:42:09,456 --> 01:42:11,499
(laughter)
2778
01:42:14,753 --> 01:42:15,920
You know, the thing is,
2779
01:42:16,213 --> 01:42:18,464
before we were married
2780
01:42:18,757 --> 01:42:21,509
when we used to, you know, make love,
2781
01:42:21,802 --> 01:42:23,136
he would say to me
2782
01:42:23,428 --> 01:42:25,304
"Oh, sweetheart, goddamn,
2783
01:42:26,515 --> 01:42:28,307
"you feel so good.
2784
01:42:28,600 --> 01:42:30,393
"You're so beautiful.
2785
01:42:30,686 --> 01:42:32,228
"I love you so much."
2786
01:42:33,230 --> 01:42:35,606
And now he says "Move your head,
2787
01:42:35,899 --> 01:42:36,941
"I can't see the screen."
2788
01:42:37,234 --> 01:42:39,277
(laughter)
2789
01:42:40,821 --> 01:42:41,696
Before we were married,
2790
01:42:41,989 --> 01:42:45,283
my husband John he always used to go.
2791
01:42:45,576 --> 01:42:49,203
And he used to go.
2792
01:42:52,374 --> 01:42:54,000
And now he just goes.
2793
01:42:55,252 --> 01:42:57,378
(laughter)
2794
01:42:58,797 --> 01:43:00,798
Truly, honestly, I think that men
2795
01:43:01,091 --> 01:43:04,051
have it very, very hard today, you do.
2796
01:43:05,429 --> 01:43:07,305
Not when you need it, but.
2797
01:43:07,598 --> 01:43:09,640
(laughter)
2798
01:43:12,728 --> 01:43:13,477
I'm sorry.
2799
01:43:16,106 --> 01:43:18,274
I mean, it's hard, no.
2800
01:43:18,567 --> 01:43:20,610
(laughter)
2801
01:43:22,779 --> 01:43:25,781
You're doing this to me, now come on.
2802
01:43:27,159 --> 01:43:28,034
I mean, really, it's a difficult
2803
01:43:28,327 --> 01:43:30,411
situation for men, it really is.
2804
01:43:30,704 --> 01:43:31,245
I mean, it's like women
2805
01:43:31,538 --> 01:43:32,622
have gotten to the point where
2806
01:43:32,915 --> 01:43:34,582
they almost don't need men anymore.
2807
01:43:34,875 --> 01:43:37,668
I mean, you know, there's like these
2808
01:43:37,961 --> 01:43:39,170
mechanical items.
2809
01:43:40,255 --> 01:43:41,923
You know what I mean?
2810
01:43:43,091 --> 01:43:44,217
You know what I mean.
2811
01:43:44,509 --> 01:43:46,636
You use one of these things?
2812
01:43:47,638 --> 01:43:48,471
Oh, my, not for me.
2813
01:43:48,764 --> 01:43:50,348
Honestly, no offense.
2814
01:43:50,641 --> 01:43:52,099
God bless, go to it.
2815
01:43:53,977 --> 01:43:55,019
It scares me, it really does.
2816
01:43:55,312 --> 01:43:56,604
It really, really frightens me.
2817
01:43:56,897 --> 01:43:59,065
I don't think that I want to be intimate
2818
01:43:59,358 --> 01:43:59,899
with anything that has
2819
01:44:00,192 --> 01:44:01,692
Panasonic written on it.
2820
01:44:01,985 --> 01:44:04,028
(laughter)
2821
01:44:13,163 --> 01:44:13,996
I'm telling you,
2822
01:44:14,289 --> 01:44:15,206
we have nothing to judge from.
2823
01:44:15,499 --> 01:44:16,499
All the way back in history
2824
01:44:16,792 --> 01:44:18,209
I'm sure the Garden of Eden was a mess.
2825
01:44:18,502 --> 01:44:19,418
I'm sure of it.
2826
01:44:19,711 --> 01:44:20,586
I'm sure that
2827
01:44:21,630 --> 01:44:24,048
Adam was an insensitive lover.
2828
01:44:26,593 --> 01:44:28,010
He kept referring to their lovemaking
2829
01:44:28,303 --> 01:44:29,762
as getting some rib.
2830
01:44:33,100 --> 01:44:33,933
He had no clue
2831
01:44:34,226 --> 01:44:35,017
what he was doing this man.
2832
01:44:35,310 --> 01:44:36,435
He was completely lost.
2833
01:44:36,728 --> 01:44:37,395
One of the first things
2834
01:44:37,688 --> 01:44:38,354
he said to Eve was
2835
01:44:38,647 --> 01:44:39,522
"Stand back, darling,
2836
01:44:39,815 --> 01:44:41,857
"I don't know how big this thing gets."
2837
01:44:42,150 --> 01:44:44,193
(laughter)
2838
01:44:52,160 --> 01:44:53,786
Thanks, thank you.
2839
01:44:54,079 --> 01:44:54,662
- You okay?
2840
01:44:54,955 --> 01:44:55,579
- Yeah.
2841
01:44:56,790 --> 01:44:57,456
- She did good, huh?
2842
01:44:57,749 --> 01:44:58,291
- Uh-hmm.
2843
01:44:58,583 --> 01:44:59,292
- [Lilah] God, you know what?
2844
01:44:59,584 --> 01:45:00,376
I feel so much better.
2845
01:45:00,669 --> 01:45:03,462
I can't thank you enough, thank you.
2846
01:45:04,506 --> 01:45:05,172
Thank you.
2847
01:45:05,465 --> 01:45:07,508
(applause)
2848
01:45:09,886 --> 01:45:12,638
- Let's hear it for Lilah Krytsick.
2849
01:45:12,931 --> 01:45:13,556
All right.
2850
01:45:14,891 --> 01:45:17,977
Incredible, fabulous, Lilah, fabulous.
2851
01:45:20,772 --> 01:45:21,522
Now this next comedian
2852
01:45:21,815 --> 01:45:23,524
has been waiting longer than you have.
2853
01:45:23,817 --> 01:45:24,358
- Go kill them, Steven.
2854
01:45:24,651 --> 01:45:25,192
- You didn't make it easy.
2855
01:45:25,485 --> 01:45:26,027
- [Romeo] It's worth the wait.
2856
01:45:26,320 --> 01:45:26,861
- I think you can handle it.
2857
01:45:27,154 --> 01:45:27,695
- Just watch me.
2858
01:45:27,988 --> 01:45:31,282
- [Romeo] Ladies and
gentlemen, Steven Gold.
2859
01:45:31,575 --> 01:45:33,034
Let's hear it for Steven Gold.
2860
01:45:33,327 --> 01:45:34,827
(upbeat music)
2861
01:45:35,120 --> 01:45:36,871
(applause)
2862
01:45:37,164 --> 01:45:37,955
- Thank you.
2863
01:45:40,876 --> 01:45:42,251
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
2864
01:45:42,544 --> 01:45:43,169
Oh, great.
2865
01:45:44,463 --> 01:45:45,212
Great!
2866
01:45:46,715 --> 01:45:47,465
I blew it already.
2867
01:45:47,758 --> 01:45:49,925
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
2868
01:45:50,218 --> 01:45:51,135
Now can you get any more trite,
2869
01:45:51,428 --> 01:45:52,303
or boring than that?
2870
01:45:52,596 --> 01:45:53,554
I don't think so.
2871
01:45:53,847 --> 01:45:54,472
Here I am,
2872
01:45:55,599 --> 01:45:57,433
trying to impress these
2873
01:45:59,061 --> 01:45:59,810
judges,
2874
01:46:01,396 --> 01:46:03,189
and I start with the oldest phrase
2875
01:46:03,482 --> 01:46:04,440
in the history of showbiz.
2876
01:46:04,733 --> 01:46:05,358
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
2877
01:46:05,650 --> 01:46:07,234
Something completely forgettable
2878
01:46:07,527 --> 01:46:10,196
when I'm trying to do is be
2879
01:46:10,489 --> 01:46:12,406
remembered up here.
2880
01:46:12,699 --> 01:46:14,241
How about these judges, huh?
2881
01:46:14,534 --> 01:46:16,619
Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!
2882
01:46:16,912 --> 01:46:19,288
I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!
2883
01:46:21,249 --> 01:46:22,416
Why don't we get to know
2884
01:46:22,709 --> 01:46:24,502
our judges personally, shall we?
2885
01:46:24,795 --> 01:46:26,712
They are Larry, Moe, Curly Joe.
2886
01:46:27,005 --> 01:46:27,546
I'm kidding around.
2887
01:46:27,839 --> 01:46:29,090
Seriously, Chico, Harpo, Zeppo.
2888
01:46:29,383 --> 01:46:30,591
All right, all right, cut it out.
2889
01:46:30,884 --> 01:46:32,134
Fred, Wilma, Barney.
2890
01:46:32,427 --> 01:46:33,469
Will you knock it off?
2891
01:46:33,762 --> 01:46:34,428
I'm funny, okay,
2892
01:46:34,721 --> 01:46:35,846
Lassie, Benji, Rin Tin Tin.
2893
01:46:36,139 --> 01:46:37,932
Hey, all right, they are
2894
01:46:39,768 --> 01:46:41,811
some well-dressed guy.
2895
01:46:42,104 --> 01:46:42,645
Next to him his homosexual
2896
01:46:42,938 --> 01:46:43,979
Svengali lover.
2897
01:46:45,399 --> 01:46:46,148
A woman.
2898
01:46:48,985 --> 01:46:50,528
Some guy who got thrown out of radio.
2899
01:46:50,821 --> 01:46:52,196
Is that the lowest?
2900
01:46:53,198 --> 01:46:54,657
And, finally, of course, Robyn Green.
2901
01:46:54,950 --> 01:46:56,492
Robyn Green, when he appeared
2902
01:46:56,785 --> 01:46:57,451
right here, right here
2903
01:46:57,744 --> 01:46:58,285
on this very stage.
2904
01:46:58,578 --> 01:46:59,578
Right here on this very stage,
2905
01:46:59,871 --> 01:47:00,830
and what he did,
2906
01:47:01,123 --> 01:47:01,705
Robyn would be introduced
2907
01:47:01,998 --> 01:47:02,998
ladies and gentlemen,
2908
01:47:03,291 --> 01:47:05,543
the comedy stylings of Robyn Green.
2909
01:47:05,836 --> 01:47:08,379
Comedy stylings, what did that mean?
2910
01:47:08,672 --> 01:47:09,880
Like, he's not a dermatologist.
2911
01:47:10,173 --> 01:47:11,632
He's a skin stylist.
2912
01:47:13,802 --> 01:47:16,387
Not a dentist, but a tooth stylist.
2913
01:47:16,680 --> 01:47:18,514
Not a barber, but a barb stylist.
2914
01:47:18,807 --> 01:47:19,849
A hair stylist.
2915
01:47:21,268 --> 01:47:22,935
Well, a hair stylist.
2916
01:47:25,480 --> 01:47:28,399
I guess that would be right.
2917
01:47:28,692 --> 01:47:29,275
Who wants to be a comedian
2918
01:47:29,568 --> 01:47:30,109
these days anyway?
2919
01:47:30,402 --> 01:47:30,943
When I was a kid,
2920
01:47:31,236 --> 01:47:31,986
I wanted to be a superhero.
2921
01:47:32,279 --> 01:47:34,321
I wanted to live in a super fortress.
2922
01:47:34,614 --> 01:47:35,906
Even though some of these superheroes
2923
01:47:36,199 --> 01:47:37,366
have pretty jive superpowers
2924
01:47:37,659 --> 01:47:38,784
like Aqua Man.
2925
01:47:39,077 --> 01:47:39,910
Aqua Man can breathe
2926
01:47:40,203 --> 01:47:41,454
underwater and talk to fish.
2927
01:47:41,746 --> 01:47:42,621
These are superpowers?
2928
01:47:42,914 --> 01:47:43,456
Wonder Woman?
2929
01:47:43,748 --> 01:47:46,459
Wonder Woman flew an invisible jet.
2930
01:47:47,502 --> 01:47:49,545
How did she find it?
2931
01:47:49,838 --> 01:47:50,880
She stumbled around the runway
2932
01:47:51,173 --> 01:47:51,797
until she got lucky?
2933
01:47:52,090 --> 01:47:53,257
"Oh, here it is."
2934
01:47:53,550 --> 01:47:54,633
What did the control tower tell her?
2935
01:47:54,926 --> 01:47:57,011
"We think you have clearance."
2936
01:47:57,304 --> 01:47:58,679
Can anybody be a superhero?
2937
01:47:58,972 --> 01:47:59,597
Table Man.
2938
01:48:01,391 --> 01:48:03,851
He solves crimes at dinner for four.
2939
01:48:04,144 --> 01:48:05,644
The Motorcycle Guy.
2940
01:48:05,937 --> 01:48:08,981
His helmet has secret compartments.
2941
01:48:09,274 --> 01:48:12,318
Big Lady, criminals flee, who wouldn't?
2942
01:48:14,613 --> 01:48:16,155
New York City cab drivers are required
2943
01:48:16,448 --> 01:48:17,990
to have chauffeurs' licenses.
2944
01:48:18,283 --> 01:48:19,158
Now, what is the point of this?
2945
01:48:19,451 --> 01:48:21,160
"Stop the honking, stop the honking.
2946
01:48:21,453 --> 01:48:25,122
"I brake for human beings, so shoot me.
2947
01:48:25,415 --> 01:48:27,666
"I can't just run the old lady down.
2948
01:48:27,959 --> 01:48:29,960
"Okay, people, next stop,
2949
01:48:30,253 --> 01:48:32,004
"Empire State Building.
2950
01:48:32,297 --> 01:48:32,838
"You know how to get to
2951
01:48:33,131 --> 01:48:33,714
"Empire State Building?
2952
01:48:34,007 --> 01:48:36,383
"Practice, practice, ha-ha-ha."
2953
01:48:37,802 --> 01:48:39,470
But I don't really hate taxi drivers.
2954
01:48:39,763 --> 01:48:41,138
I don't hate anybody.
2955
01:48:41,431 --> 01:48:42,681
The world is far too
2956
01:48:42,974 --> 01:48:46,143
confusing a place to hate anybody.
2957
01:48:46,436 --> 01:48:47,853
It's like don't even hate that clown
2958
01:48:48,146 --> 01:48:49,063
at the bank who tells me
2959
01:48:49,356 --> 01:48:49,980
I can't cash my cheque
2960
01:48:50,273 --> 01:48:51,065
for 10 working days,
2961
01:48:51,358 --> 01:48:52,733
or that jerk at the supermarket.
2962
01:48:53,026 --> 01:48:54,777
or those idiots on the subway.
2963
01:48:55,070 --> 01:48:55,611
How about these geniuses
2964
01:48:55,904 --> 01:48:57,530
who broke up the phone company, huh?
2965
01:48:57,822 --> 01:48:58,864
Or trendsetters.
2966
01:48:59,157 --> 01:49:00,908
Oh, I don't hate trendsetters.
2967
01:49:01,201 --> 01:49:02,243
People who tell us what is hot,
2968
01:49:02,536 --> 01:49:04,119
and what is not
2969
01:49:04,412 --> 01:49:05,246
Don't tell me what to do!
2970
01:49:05,539 --> 01:49:06,288
I don't hate these trendsetters.
2971
01:49:06,581 --> 01:49:07,289
Don't tell me what to do!
2972
01:49:07,582 --> 01:49:08,999
I'm not wearing bell-bottoms.
2973
01:49:09,292 --> 01:49:10,543
I am not wearing bell-bottoms, again,
2974
01:49:10,835 --> 01:49:12,127
I don't care that the Prince of Morocco
2975
01:49:12,420 --> 01:49:13,462
is wearing bell-bottoms, again.
2976
01:49:13,755 --> 01:49:14,922
I know, he doesn't have to live here.
2977
01:49:15,215 --> 01:49:16,215
I have to live here.
2978
01:49:16,508 --> 01:49:17,550
I don't hate trendsetters,
2979
01:49:17,842 --> 01:49:18,801
or debutantes!
2980
01:49:19,886 --> 01:49:22,471
I don't hate debutantes!
2981
01:49:22,764 --> 01:49:25,474
I don't hate young, rich, white
2982
01:49:25,767 --> 01:49:27,059
female debutantes!
2983
01:49:27,978 --> 01:49:30,896
I don't even care about debutantes.
2984
01:49:31,189 --> 01:49:32,731
They spend $1,000 on their hair.
2985
01:49:33,024 --> 01:49:34,525
So what, they're debutantes.
2986
01:49:34,818 --> 01:49:35,401
They're wearing priceless
2987
01:49:35,694 --> 01:49:36,527
diamond tiaras.
2988
01:49:36,820 --> 01:49:38,654
So what, they're debutantes!
2989
01:49:38,947 --> 01:49:40,364
They have opinions on world hunger.
2990
01:49:40,657 --> 01:49:42,700
Who cares, they're debutantes!
2991
01:49:42,993 --> 01:49:44,743
They're having a coming-out party?
2992
01:49:45,036 --> 01:49:46,745
They're coming out of a Rolls Royce.
2993
01:49:47,038 --> 01:49:48,581
What does this have to do
2994
01:49:48,873 --> 01:49:51,208
with life as we know it?
2995
01:49:51,501 --> 01:49:53,460
I don't hate debutantes!
2996
01:49:53,753 --> 01:49:55,796
(applause)
2997
01:50:09,519 --> 01:50:11,186
I don't hate anybody.
2998
01:50:12,355 --> 01:50:14,106
I'm not a hate-monger.
2999
01:50:15,066 --> 01:50:17,443
I'm more of a hate-stylist, if you will.
3000
01:50:17,736 --> 01:50:19,653
Thank you very much.
3001
01:50:19,946 --> 01:50:22,906
(cheers and applause)
3002
01:50:26,786 --> 01:50:31,582
Thank you.
3003
01:50:31,875 --> 01:50:34,251
(upbeat music)
3004
01:50:36,755 --> 01:50:38,172
- Bravo!
3005
01:50:38,465 --> 01:50:40,257
The demented world of Steven Gold.
3006
01:50:40,550 --> 01:50:41,383
Ladies and gentlemen,
3007
01:50:41,676 --> 01:50:43,927
let's have a hand for Steven Gold.
3008
01:50:44,220 --> 01:50:44,762
How about a hand for
3009
01:50:45,055 --> 01:50:45,638
the rest of the performers
3010
01:50:45,930 --> 01:50:48,307
we heard here tonight, huh?
3011
01:50:48,600 --> 01:50:49,308
- Good stuff.
3012
01:50:49,601 --> 01:50:50,392
- Thanks, give me a drink.
3013
01:50:50,685 --> 01:50:52,728
- Darling, you were wonderful.
3014
01:50:53,021 --> 01:50:54,021
- [Female] You were great.
3015
01:50:54,314 --> 01:50:54,855
- [Steven] Thank you.
3016
01:50:55,148 --> 01:50:55,689
- Very convincing, very powerful,
3017
01:50:55,982 --> 01:50:56,940
very Shaka Zulu.
3018
01:50:57,233 --> 01:50:58,192
- Steve, thank you.
3019
01:50:58,485 --> 01:50:59,652
- Steven, you were great.
3020
01:50:59,944 --> 01:51:00,486
- Do you really think so?
3021
01:51:00,779 --> 01:51:01,320
- Absolutely.
3022
01:51:01,613 --> 01:51:02,738
- It was do or die tonight.
3023
01:51:03,031 --> 01:51:03,614
- All right, you guys,
3024
01:51:03,907 --> 01:51:04,657
let's take it downstairs, huh?
3025
01:51:04,949 --> 01:51:06,033
Come on, take it downstairs.
3026
01:51:06,326 --> 01:51:06,867
- We're gonna wait for
3027
01:51:07,160 --> 01:51:08,327
about five minutes while this
3028
01:51:08,620 --> 01:51:09,620
distinguished panel of judges
3029
01:51:09,913 --> 01:51:11,080
makes up its mind.
3030
01:51:11,373 --> 01:51:12,498
In the meantime,
3031
01:51:12,791 --> 01:51:13,707
to make it easier for you all
3032
01:51:14,000 --> 01:51:16,460
have a drink on the house, okay?
3033
01:51:29,224 --> 01:51:29,973
- Lilah.
3034
01:51:54,457 --> 01:51:55,916
- It's just personal,
3035
01:51:56,209 --> 01:51:57,751
it's from my husband.
3036
01:52:01,131 --> 01:52:03,632
(upbeat music)
3037
01:52:13,935 --> 01:52:17,062
- Okay, everybody, this is it.
3038
01:52:17,355 --> 01:52:20,524
Now, I want to tell you one thing.
3039
01:52:20,817 --> 01:52:22,985
There are no losers here tonight.
3040
01:52:23,278 --> 01:52:24,737
You're all winners.
3041
01:52:25,029 --> 01:52:25,571
Whoever they chose,
3042
01:52:25,864 --> 01:52:28,073
they chose because they chose,
3043
01:52:28,366 --> 01:52:30,033
and they changed their minds three times.
3044
01:52:30,326 --> 01:52:30,993
You know why?
3045
01:52:31,286 --> 01:52:33,996
- Cut to the chase, Romeo, who won?
3046
01:52:34,289 --> 01:52:34,830
- I can't tell you.
3047
01:52:35,123 --> 01:52:36,123
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
3048
01:52:36,416 --> 01:52:37,040
They want you all on stage,
3049
01:52:37,333 --> 01:52:38,208
so they can get a real reaction
3050
01:52:38,501 --> 01:52:39,752
when they announce the winner.
3051
01:52:40,044 --> 01:52:41,462
- Man, what is this shit?
3052
01:52:41,755 --> 01:52:42,296
- [Male] They want to see
3053
01:52:42,589 --> 01:52:43,505
the losers, man.
3054
01:52:43,798 --> 01:52:44,506
- Just send the winner up.
3055
01:52:44,799 --> 01:52:45,340
- It's their show.
3056
01:52:45,633 --> 01:52:46,508
They want it to be a surprise.
3057
01:52:46,801 --> 01:52:47,468
- Yeah, big surprise, come on,
3058
01:52:47,761 --> 01:52:48,844
we all know who won.
3059
01:52:49,137 --> 01:52:49,970
- Oh, yeah, who won?
3060
01:52:50,263 --> 01:52:50,846
- Steven.
3061
01:52:51,139 --> 01:52:53,265
- Wrong, Steven didn't win.
3062
01:52:53,558 --> 01:52:56,435
Don't tell me there are no surprises.
3063
01:52:57,479 --> 01:52:58,937
Steven, I'm sorry.
3064
01:52:59,230 --> 01:52:59,938
You wanted me to cut to the chase.
3065
01:53:00,231 --> 01:53:01,148
I'm cutting to the chase.
3066
01:53:01,441 --> 01:53:02,983
It's anybody's ballgame.
3067
01:53:03,276 --> 01:53:04,943
Now, I'd like you to line up here.
3068
01:53:05,236 --> 01:53:08,280
Steven, I'd like you to set an example.
3069
01:53:10,784 --> 01:53:12,117
- Why didn't Steven win?
3070
01:53:12,410 --> 01:53:13,327
- Because somebody else won.
3071
01:53:13,620 --> 01:53:14,161
- [Lilah] But we all saw it.
3072
01:53:14,454 --> 01:53:15,162
He had the best set.
3073
01:53:15,455 --> 01:53:16,955
- No, he had the second best set.
3074
01:53:17,248 --> 01:53:18,749
He got two votes of the five.
3075
01:53:19,042 --> 01:53:20,542
Someone else got the other three.
3076
01:53:20,835 --> 01:53:22,169
Now, look, don't embarrass me please.
3077
01:53:22,462 --> 01:53:23,712
I promised them that
3078
01:53:24,005 --> 01:53:24,755
I would have you all back on stage
3079
01:53:25,048 --> 01:53:26,340
before I announced who the winner was.
3080
01:53:26,633 --> 01:53:27,174
Now, come on,
3081
01:53:27,467 --> 01:53:28,008
anybody who does not get on that
3082
01:53:28,301 --> 01:53:31,094
staircase right now is disqualified.
3083
01:53:32,055 --> 01:53:32,805
I mean it!
3084
01:53:34,182 --> 01:53:35,808
- Did Steven really come in second?
3085
01:53:36,100 --> 01:53:37,893
- That's what I said.
3086
01:53:38,186 --> 01:53:40,437
- Then I'm out, disqualify me.
3087
01:53:40,730 --> 01:53:42,147
- Lilah, come on, what are you doing?
3088
01:53:42,440 --> 01:53:43,857
Really, what is she doing?
3089
01:53:44,150 --> 01:53:46,902
- Just in case I won, it's Steven's.
3090
01:53:48,738 --> 01:53:49,571
- What's she doing?
3091
01:53:49,864 --> 01:53:50,697
What are you doing?
3092
01:53:50,990 --> 01:53:51,990
- I'm going home.
3093
01:53:52,283 --> 01:53:53,158
Eve, would you please tell
3094
01:53:53,451 --> 01:53:54,993
my husband to meet me out front?
3095
01:53:55,286 --> 01:53:56,912
- Wait, please, Lilah.
3096
01:53:57,872 --> 01:53:59,331
- I'm out, too.
3097
01:53:59,624 --> 01:54:00,249
- Me, too.
3098
01:54:00,542 --> 01:54:02,584
- I'm in, I'm still in.
3099
01:54:02,877 --> 01:54:03,502
- Lilah,
3100
01:54:05,421 --> 01:54:06,338
you did win.
3101
01:54:15,014 --> 01:54:17,516
Makes a difference, doesn't it?
3102
01:54:20,895 --> 01:54:22,396
- I really did win?
3103
01:54:23,356 --> 01:54:24,147
- Yes, you got three
3104
01:54:24,440 --> 01:54:25,691
out of the five votes.
3105
01:54:25,984 --> 01:54:26,525
The guy with the gray hair
3106
01:54:26,818 --> 01:54:28,277
was crazy about you.
3107
01:54:31,239 --> 01:54:31,989
- Yeah.
3108
01:54:33,283 --> 01:54:35,033
It makes a difference.
3109
01:54:40,874 --> 01:54:42,374
See you later, guys.
3110
01:54:42,667 --> 01:54:44,334
- Lilah, don't do this.
3111
01:54:44,627 --> 01:54:45,878
- Listen to Steven.
3112
01:54:46,170 --> 01:54:46,795
Do you think they're gonna give it
3113
01:54:47,088 --> 01:54:49,339
to him just 'cause you walked out?
3114
01:54:49,632 --> 01:54:51,133
No, three of those judges
3115
01:54:51,426 --> 01:54:52,426
didn't even like him.
3116
01:54:52,719 --> 01:54:54,094
They were offended by him.
3117
01:54:54,387 --> 01:54:54,928
They're gonna re-vote,
3118
01:54:55,221 --> 01:54:55,762
and they're gonna give it
3119
01:54:56,055 --> 01:54:56,722
to somebody else,
3120
01:54:57,015 --> 01:54:58,056
and even if they did give it to him,
3121
01:54:58,349 --> 01:54:59,641
do you think he's gonna be grateful?
3122
01:54:59,934 --> 01:55:01,059
10 years from now when
3123
01:55:01,352 --> 01:55:02,227
you're sitting in your station wagon
3124
01:55:02,520 --> 01:55:03,186
outside some school
3125
01:55:03,479 --> 01:55:04,021
with curlers in your hair,
3126
01:55:04,314 --> 01:55:04,855
and groceries in the backseat
3127
01:55:05,148 --> 01:55:06,982
are you gonna hear from him?
3128
01:55:07,275 --> 01:55:09,192
Not even a postcard.
3129
01:55:09,485 --> 01:55:10,027
Or any of these others
3130
01:55:10,320 --> 01:55:10,861
who'll get it because
3131
01:55:11,154 --> 01:55:13,906
you walked out tonight, forget it.
3132
01:55:14,198 --> 01:55:17,200
Come on, you won the brass ring.
3133
01:55:17,493 --> 01:55:18,452
Come claim it.
3134
01:55:27,837 --> 01:55:28,921
- That a girl.
3135
01:55:30,256 --> 01:55:31,757
That's my showgirl.
3136
01:55:32,800 --> 01:55:34,551
See?
3137
01:55:39,933 --> 01:55:41,516
- I forgot my purse.
3138
01:55:56,449 --> 01:55:57,324
- Hey, you want to work
3139
01:55:57,617 --> 01:55:58,784
in this club again?
3140
01:55:59,077 --> 01:56:00,619
- [Lilah] Yeah, I do.
3141
01:56:04,123 --> 01:56:05,332
- Nuts.
3142
01:56:05,625 --> 01:56:08,669
You're all a bunch of fuckin' nuts.
3143
01:56:08,962 --> 01:56:11,004
(drumroll)
3144
01:56:22,767 --> 01:56:23,517
- John.
3145
01:56:25,311 --> 01:56:26,478
- [John] Lilah.
3146
01:56:27,480 --> 01:56:28,480
- [Lilah] Hi.
3147
01:56:32,443 --> 01:56:33,360
- Lost, huh?
3148
01:56:36,698 --> 01:56:37,447
- I won.
3149
01:56:39,951 --> 01:56:41,201
- You won?
3150
01:56:41,494 --> 01:56:42,119
- I won.
3151
01:56:44,080 --> 01:56:44,830
- You won.
3152
01:56:46,332 --> 01:56:47,082
You won.
3153
01:56:48,501 --> 01:56:50,419
Why aren't you in there?
3154
01:56:51,462 --> 01:56:52,713
- I've got time.
3155
01:56:55,299 --> 01:56:56,717
I've got you guys.
3156
01:57:04,642 --> 01:57:06,393
Thank you for my note.
3157
01:57:11,065 --> 01:57:12,274
- You were great.
3158
01:57:12,567 --> 01:57:13,108
- [Lilah] I was?
3159
01:57:13,401 --> 01:57:13,942
- You were great.
3160
01:57:14,235 --> 01:57:14,860
- [Lilah] I heard you laughing.
3161
01:57:15,153 --> 01:57:15,694
- [John] Yeah, I was laughing.
3162
01:57:15,987 --> 01:57:16,528
You were hysterical.
3163
01:57:16,821 --> 01:57:17,362
- [Lilah] I could hear you laugh
3164
01:57:17,655 --> 01:57:18,196
louder than anybody.
3165
01:57:18,489 --> 01:57:19,031
- [John] You were wonderful.
3166
01:57:19,323 --> 01:57:19,865
You know what I was thinking, though.
3167
01:57:20,158 --> 01:57:21,074
Maybe you could tell the story about
3168
01:57:21,367 --> 01:57:21,908
remember when you were
3169
01:57:22,201 --> 01:57:22,826
giving birth to Carrie,
3170
01:57:23,119 --> 01:57:24,202
and you were laying in the parking lot
3171
01:57:24,495 --> 01:57:25,787
going "I'm Lamaze! I'm Lamaze!"
3172
01:57:26,080 --> 01:57:26,705
- [Lilah] Yeah, that's great.
3173
01:57:26,998 --> 01:57:27,539
- [John] You think you could
3174
01:57:27,832 --> 01:57:28,373
do something like that?
3175
01:57:28,666 --> 01:57:29,207
- [Lilah] Oh yeah, I never
3176
01:57:29,500 --> 01:57:30,625
thought of that.
3177
01:57:31,753 --> 01:57:34,254
(upbeat music)
3178
01:58:55,086 --> 01:58:56,336
- I need start to finish.
3179
01:58:56,629 --> 01:58:59,131
- There's a million stories at home,
3180
01:58:59,423 --> 01:59:01,508
and Jenny with her Round John Virgin.
3181
01:59:01,801 --> 01:59:02,592
- [Lilah] Oh, God, no!
3182
01:59:02,885 --> 01:59:03,426
Round John Virgin,
3183
01:59:03,719 --> 01:59:04,261
how can you remember that?
3184
01:59:04,554 --> 01:59:06,263
- [John] ♫ Round John Virgin
3185
01:59:06,556 --> 01:59:08,807
♫ Mother and child
3186
01:59:09,100 --> 01:59:09,808
- [Lilah] Oh, that's great.
3187
01:59:10,101 --> 01:59:11,101
I never thought of that.
3188
01:59:11,394 --> 01:59:12,811
- [Billy Lane] ♫ Don't care if I ever
3189
01:59:13,104 --> 01:59:13,645
♫ Have a dime
3190
01:59:13,938 --> 01:59:16,106
♫ If I could keep you
3191
01:59:16,399 --> 01:59:18,984
♫ Rolling in the aisle
3192
01:59:19,277 --> 01:59:21,862
♫ Here's a thought to see you home
3193
01:59:22,155 --> 01:59:25,073
♫ And wherever you may roam
3194
01:59:25,366 --> 01:59:28,994
♫ Remember this night
3195
01:59:29,287 --> 01:59:31,413
♫ And smile
3196
01:59:34,500 --> 01:59:36,835
(jazz music)
196568
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