All language subtitles for Present.Laughter.2017.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

(jaunty music)

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(audience applauds)

(woman laughs)

- Hello, hello, Cynthia
darling, it's Daphne.

Yes, are you alone?

Listen, I'm you know where.

Yes I did.

(audience laughs)

No, he isn't awake yet.

There's nobody about at all.

No, in the spare room.

I can't go on about it
now; someone might come in.

If anybody rings up from home,

will you swear to say that
I spent the night with you?

Darling, you promised.

In that case say I'm in
the bath or something.

(laughs) I can't wait to tell you.

All right.

Good morning.

- Good morning.

- What time is Mr. Essendine
going to be called?

- He will ring.

- What time does he usually ring?

- That depends what time he went to bed.

- Well, I'm afraid we were
rather late last night.

You see, we were at a party,

and Mr. Essendine very kindly
said he'd drive me home,

and then I found I'd
forgotten my latch-key.

And I knew I shouldn't be able

to make any of the servants hear

because they sleep at the top of the house

and so Mr. Essendine very sweetly said

that I could spend the night here and,

and so I did.

- If you were very late,

he will probably sleep
until the afternoon.

- Oh dear, couldn't you call him?

- Alas no, we can never call him.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning.

- Good morning Miss.

- Have you any idea what time
Mr. Essendine will get up?

- Oh, it might be any time,
he didn't leave no note.

- Couldn't you call him?

It's nearly eleven o'clock.

- The whole place goes up in smoke

if we wake him by accident
let alone call him.

- Well, do you think I
could have some breakfast?

- Well now, what would you fancy?

- Some coffee, please,
and some orange juice.

- Rightyo Miss.

- Good morning!

- Good morning, I'm Mr.
Essendine's secretary.

Is there anything I can do for you?

- Well, I'm afraid it's rather awkward.

You see, Mr. Essendine
drove me home last night

from a party, and I idiotically
forgot my latch-key,

and so Mr. Essendine very sweetly said

that I could spend the night
here in the spare room.

- I hope you were warm enough.

- Oh yes, quite, thank you.

- It's liable to be a bit
nippy in the spare room.

- I kept the heater on.

- Oh, very sensible.

- And now I was wondering
if somebody could tell

Mr. Essendine that I'm, well, here.

- I expect he'll remember
when he wakes up.

- Have you any idea when that will be?

- I'm afraid not.

If he didn't leave any
special time to be called,

he might sleep on indefinitely.

- I wouldn't want to go away

without saying goodbye and thanking him.

- If I were you, I should
have some breakfast and dress,

and if he isn't awake by then,

you can leave a message for him.

Miss, have you asked for any breakfast?

- Yes, I think the man's bringing it.

- Have you known Mr. Essendine long?

- Well, no, not exactly.

I mean, of course I've known him for ages.

I think he's wonderful.

But we actually only met last
night for the first time.

- I see.

- I think he's even more charming

off the stage than on, don't you?

- I can never quite make up my mind.

(audience laughs)

- Have you been with him for a long while?

- Well, just on 17 years.

- (shrieks and laughs) How wonderful!

I expect you know him better than anybody.

- Less intimately than
some, better than most.

- Is he happy, do you
think, I mean, really happy?

- Well, I don't believe
I've ever asked him.

- He has a sad look in his
eyes every now and then.

- Oh, you noticed that, did you?

- We talked for hours last night.

He told me all about his early struggles.

- Did he by any chance mention
that life was passing him by?

- Yes, I think he did
say something like that.

- Oh dear.

- Why?

- I just wondered.

- I do hope you don't
think it's awful of me

spending the night here like this.

I mean it does look rather bad,

doesn't it?
- Well, really, Miss?

- Stillington, Daphne Stillington.

- Miss Stillington, it's
hardly my business, is it?

- No, I suppose not, but I
wouldn't like you to think.

- 17 years is a long
time, Miss Stillington.

I gave up that sort of thinking

in the spring of 1922.

(audience laughs)

- Will you 'ave it in here,
Miss, or in the bedroom?

- In here, please.

- Oh no no, oh no, I really think

you'd be more comfortable
in the bedroom, Miss.

The studio becomes rather
active round about 11:00.

People call, you know,
and the telephone rings.

- Very well.

- I'll let you know
the minute he wakes up.

- Thank you so much.

- Now you pop right back into bed, Miss.

- All right.

- Is there any soap in that bathroom?

- Yes, but the tap is a bit funny.

You have to go on turning
it till kingdom come.

- Did you tell her?

- She'll find out for herself.

- You'd better send
Miss Erikson in to her.

- She's gone to the grocer's,

but I'll tell 'er when she comes back.

- Were you here last night?

- No, she's news to me.

- Well, if he hasn't rung by
12:00, we'd better wake him.

- You know what 'appened last time!

- It can't be helped.

He's got to lunch out anyhow.

- Well, if the balloon
goes up, don't blame me.

(audience cheers and applauds)

(audience laughs)

- I suppose it's of no
interest to any of you

that I have been awakened
from a deep deep sleep

by everybody screaming like banshees!

What's going on?

- I've been talking to Miss Stillington.

- Who the hell is Miss Stillington?

(audience laughs)

- She's in the spare room.

- I didn't ask you where
she was, Monica dear.

I asked you who she was.

- We might look her up
in the telephone book.

- She forgot her latch-key
if you know what I mean.

- Go away, Fred.

And get me some coffee.

- Rightyo.

- And don't say Rightyo.

- Very good, sir.

- Thank you very much.

- You met her at a party and
you brought her home here

and you told her about
your early struggles

and she stayed the night.

- I remember now.

(audience laughs)

She's a darling, I'm mad about her.

(audience laughs)

What did you say her name was?

(audience laughs)

- Stillington, Daphne Stillington.

- I knew it was Daphne,

but I hadn't the faintest
idea it was Stillington.

How did she look to you?

- Restive.

- Poor little thing, I
hope you were nice to her.

Has anybody given her anything to eat?

- Fred has taken her some
coffee and orange juice.

- What's she doing now?

- I don't know, drinking it, I suppose.

(audience laughs)

- It's dreadful, isn't
it, what are we to do?

- Well, she wants to say
goodbye and to thank you.

- Oh, whatever for?

- That, Garry dear, I am
in no position to say.

(audience laughs)

- Why didn't you tell her to dress quietly

like a mouse and go home?

You know perfectly well it's
agony here in the morning

with everybody banging about.

- Well, you might have thought of that

before you asked her to stay the night.

- She had to stay the night;
she'd lost her latch-key.

- The sooner we turn that
spare room into a library,

the better.

- Probably sobbing her heart out.

- Why don't you go and see?

- Lend me a comb and I will.

- Here.

- Good God.

I look 98.

- Never mind.
(audience laughs)

- In just a few more years,
I'll be bald as a coot

with a row of angry false teeth

leering at me from a glass.

Then you'll be sorry.

- On the contrary, I shall be delighted.

There will be fewer eager young debutantes

ready to lose their latch-keys for you

when you've got a toupee
perched on top of your head.

- I shall never wear a toupee,
Monica, however bald I get.

Perhaps on the stage I might
have a little front piece,

but in life, never.

I intend to grow old with distinction.

- I'm sure that will be a
great relief to all of us.

- Now, do go and do a nice
goodbye scene, there's a dear,

and get rid of her as quickly as possible.

We've got to do the mail

and Morris might appear at any minute.

- I haven't done my exercises yet.

- Oh no no, you can do
those after she's gone.

- Oh, I can't go possibly
into that spare room

in my pajamas; it's like an ice-box.

- The heater's on, it's been on all night.

- Very extravagant.

- Garry!
- Oh my dear.

- I thought I heard your voice.

- If you want me, I shall
be in the office, Garry.

- Thank you, Monica.

- And you won't forget,
will you, that at 12:30,

you have given an appointment
to a Mr. Roland Maure.

- No, Monica.

- And at one o'clock
sharp, Morris is coming

to discuss what understudies
you're going to take to Africa.

- I shall remember, Monica!

- I'm so glad.

Goodbye Miss Stillington.

- Goodbye!

- Darling.
- Garry, oh, Garry!

I'm ridiculously happy.

- I'm so glad, darling.

- Are you?

- Happy?
- Mmmmm.

- There's something awfully
sad about happiness,

isn't there?

- What a funny thing to say.

- It wasn't meant to be funny.

- I've been in love with
you for such a long time.

- Don't, no, don't say that.

- Why, what's the matter?

- Oh, don't love me too much, Daphne.

Promise me you won't.

You'll only be unhappy.

No good can come of loving anyone like me.

I an not worthy of it, really, I'm not.

- You're more worthy of it
than anyone in the world.

- Foolish child.

- I'm not a child, I'm 24.

(audience laughs)

- 24! (laughs)

(audience laughs)

24, if only I were younger,

if only you were older.

- What does age matter when
people love each other?

- I wonder how tragically
often that has been said.

(audience laughs)

- It's true.
- Look at me, Daphne.

Look at me kindly, clearly, and honestly.

Look at the lines in my
face, my thinning hair.

Look at my eyes!

- You're not so very old.

- I didn't say I was so very old.

I merely said look at me.

In fact, I'm only si-, fi-, 45.

(audience laughs)

- What's 45?
- Well, it's too old for 24.

- You mean, you don't love me?

- I don't mean any such thing.

- Do you love me?

Say it, do you?
- Of course I do.

- Say it!

(audience laughs)

- I love you, Daphne.

- Oh, darling!

- But this is goodbye.
- Goodbye?

- Well, it must be.

Not for my sake, but for yours.

Last night, suddenly, a spark was struck.

The flame burned brightly for a little.

That was happiness, tremendous,
wonderful happiness,

something to be remembered always.

- You're different this morning.

You didn't mean any of the
things you said last night.

- Listen, my dear.

You're not in love with me, the real me.

You're in love with an illusion,

the illusion that I gave you
when you saw me on the stage.

Last night I ran the risk of breaking

that dear young illusion forever.

But I didn't.

No, oh thank God I didn't.

It's still there, I can
see it in your eyes,

but never again.

No, never, never again.

(audience laughs)

That's all I dare hope for now,

moments like last night.

That's why I'm so lonely sometimes,

so desperately lonely.

But I have learned one
bitter lesson in my life

and that lesson is to
be able to say goodbye.

- Goodbye, but, Garry.
- Let me go on.

(audience laughs)

"We meet not as we parted.

"We feel more than all may see;

"My bosom is heavy hearted.

"And thine full of doubt for me.

"One moment has bound the free.

"That moment is gone forever.

"Like lightning that flashed and died.

"Like a snowflake upon the river.

"Like a sunbeam upon the tide.

"Which the dark shadows hide."

- But, Garry.
- Quiet!

There's more.

(audience laughs)

"That moment from time was singled,

"As the first of a life of pain.

"The cup of its joy was mingled.

"Delusion too sweet though vain.

"Too sweet to be mine again."

(audience laughs)

There now, that was Shelley.

Don't you think it's beautiful?

- Yes.

- There was nothing Shelley
didn't know about love,

not a thing.

All the sadness, all the
joy, all the unbearable pain.

- I don't see why love
should be so miserable.

- That's because you're young, my sweet,

young and eager and greedy for life.

- You told me last
night that I was the one

that you had been searching for always

and that now that you had found me,

you would never let me go.

(audience laughs)

- That's perfectly true.

I shall never let you go.

You shall be here in my heart forever.

- Oh, Garry!
(audience laughs)

- Please, please, don't
cry, I can't bear it.

(audience laughs)

- How can you say that I'm
only in love with an illusion

and not the real you at all?

- Because it's true.

- It isn't, it isn't, it
was the real you last night.

You weren't on the stage,
you weren't acting.

- I'm always acting!

(audience laughs)

Watching myself go by.

That's what's so horrible.

I see myself all the time

eating, drinking, loving, suffering.

Sometimes I think I'm going mad, mad.

- I could help you if only you'd let me.

- I'm sorry dear, what did you say?

(audience laughs)

- I could help you.

- If only you could, but it's too late.

- It isn't, it isn't, I swear it isn't.

You see, I'll prove it to you.

- You must get out of the tiresome habit

of contradicting everything I say.

It is too late.

It's not that I don't love
you, I do, but you see,

my life is not my own.

I am not free like other men

to take happiness when it comes to them.

I belong to the public and to my work.

In two weeks' time, I'm going to Africa

with a repertory of six plays.

Do you realize what that means?

The work, the drudgery, the nerve strain?

But that is my job,

the one thing to which I must be faithful.

When I come back,

if I come back,
(Daphne gasps)

I shall look at you again and I shall know

in the first glance whether
you have waited for me or not.

Now, come kiss me, kiss
me once, just once.

And then go.

(Daphne moans)

(audience laughs)

- (shrieks) Garry!

Au revoir,

not goodbye, just au revoir.

Come my dear, come,
come, come, come, come.

Away with melancholy.

- You want your coffee here or upstairs?

- Put it anywhere, Fred, within reason.

- I'd have brought it in before but

I 'eard all that weeping
and wailing going on

and thought perhaps I'd better wait.

- Put the tray down, Fred, and go away.

(telephone peals)
- Rightyo.

- There's no peace,
(Fred whistles)

no peace anywhere.

Who switched that telephone in here?

- I switched it in here

because we've got to go through the mail

and I can't keep darting
in and out of the office

all the time.

- Will you stop whistling, Fred.

It's like living in Waterloo Station.

(audience laughs)

- Hello, Mr. Essendine's
secretary speaking.

Oh, I'm afraid he's not
available at the moment.

Is there anything I can do?

Well, he's very busy just now.

I really think it would
be better if you wrote.

Oh no, oh, I'm sorry
that's quite impossible.

Very well, goodbye.

- Who was that?

- Mr. Bramble.

- Never heard of him.

- He says you promised
to look at his invention.

- What sort of invention?

- I haven't the faintest.

- Very curious.

- Fred said I was to go and
speak to the young lady.

- Very well, Miss Erikson.

- What shall I say to her?

- I really don't know.

- I have been to the grocer's.

- That's as good an opening gambit as any.

(audience laughs)

- Just see that she has everything
she wants, Miss Erikson,

and turn on a bath for her.

- Alas, that I cannot do,
the tap makes no water.

- Well, rise above the whole situation

and do the best you can.

- I will try.

- Preserve that spirit of
cheerful optimism, Miss Erikson.

(audience laughs)

- There's nothing much this morning.

I shall go through them quickly.

- This coffee tastes of curry powder.

- Never mind.

- I do mind.

I wish I had a French chef

instead of a Scandinavian Spiritualist.

- Oh, you could never
get rid of Miss Erikson.

She worships you.

- Everybody worships me.

It's nauseating.

- There's hell to pay if they don't.

- What's that blue letter?

- Sylvia Laurie, she says she must see you

before you go away.

- Well, she can't.

- And another from Lady Worrall.

Lunch on Tuesday or dinner on Friday.

- Neither.

- And here is a postcard I
can't make head or tail of.

- It's from Brazil.

- I know, it says so on the stamp.

(audience laughs)

- "I've done what you said
and it's nearly finished."

I can't read the signature,
it looks like Pickett.

- Can you remember anybody called Pickett

that you sent to Brazil
to finish something?

(audience laughs)

- Tear it up, people should
write legibly or not at all.

- Not at all would be lovely.

Oh, is Miss Stillington dressed yet?

- Yes, but she is crying,
which makes her slow.

- Crying.

- You better go upstairs Garry.

- Tell Fred.

- Oh Miss Erikson, tell Fred
Mr. Essendine wants his bath.

- I will tell him.

Fred!

- You'd better come up too.

We can finish the rest of the
letters while I'm in the bath.

- Well, there's only one more.

An invitation from Gertrude Lovat,

she's giving a coming out dance

for that pimply-looking daughter of hers.

- What a horrible thought.

Polite refusal.

(telephone peals)

- Hello, oh Henry! (laughs)

Oh yes he is in but he's
gone to have his bath.

(doorbell rings)

Today, oh, I thought you weren't going

till the end of the week.

Yes, of course.

He's not lunching till half-past.

All right then, we'll see you later today.

- Hello Miss
Erikson, is everybody in?

- Yes, I think so.

- Good morning, Monica dear.

- Liz darling.
(audience applauds)

We thought you weren't
coming back until tonight.

- I came over by plane,

loaded with gifts like
an Eastern potentate.

Here's one for you.

- Oh, how lovely.

- It's a bottle of perfume
and very expensive.

- Oh, thanks so much,
Liz, you're a darling.

- What's God up to?

- In the bath.

- I've brought him a dressing-gown.

- How thoughtful, he's only got 18.

- (laughs) Don't be acid, Monica.

You know how he loves peacocking
about in something new.

It's nice and thin and
highly suitable for Africa.

Miss Erikson looks more
peculiar than ever this morning.

Is her spiritualism getting worse?

- She got in touch with a dead friend

at a seance on Sunday night,

and all he said was, "No,
No, No," and "Christmas Day."

(audience laughs)

It upset her very much.

- (laughs) Hello Fred, how's everything.

- Bit of a lash up, Miss, same as usual.

- Do you think I could
have a cup of coffee?

I feel a sinking.

- Rightyo, Miss.

- It's very resolute of Fred

to go on calling me Miss, isn't it?

- Well, I think he has sort of an idea

that when you gave up being Garry's wife,

you automatically reverted to maidenhood.

- It's a pretty thought.

- Oh!

- Oh, I'm so sorry about
the bath, Miss Stillington.

- It didn't matter a bit.

- This is Mrs. Essendine,
Miss Stillington.

- How do you do?

- Mrs. Essendine, do you, I
mean, are you Garry's wife?

- Yes.

- Oh, I thought you were divorced.

- Oh, we never quite got around to it.

- Oh, I see.

- Oh no but please don't look agitated.

I upped and left him years ago.

- Miss Stillington lost her key last night

and so she slept in the spare room.

- You poor dear, you must
be absolutely congealed.

- Do you think I could get a taxi?

- I'll ring up for one.

- No, don't do that, my car's downstairs.

It'll take you wherever you want to go.

- That's most awfully kind of you.

- Not at all, the chauffeur's
got bright red hair

and his name is Frobisher.

You can't miss him.

- Thank you very much indeed.

You're sure it's not inconvenient?

- Not in the least.

Just tell him to come straight back here

after he's dropped you.

- Oh yes, of course I will,
thank you very much again.

- Not at all.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye, I do hope
you haven't caught cold.

- No, no, I don't think so, goodbye.

- I'll show you out.

- No, no, please don't trouble.

- It's no trouble at all.

- Do you want anything with it, Miss?

- No thank you, Fred, just the coffee.

- Rightyo, I'll go tell
his nibs you're here.

I don't think he knows.

- Thank you, Fred.
- Well?

- Has that been going
on long or is it new?

- Quite new, I found it wandering
about in Garry's pajamas.

- Poor little thing, how awful for her

to be faced with me like that.

You ought to have pretended
I was somebody else.

- Oh, it serves her right.

Oh, I don't mind if only
they'd leave Garry alone.

It makes the mornings so complicated.

(audience laughs)

- He's just incapable
of saying no or goodbye.

- Oh, he says goodbye often enough,

but he always manages
to give the impression

that he doesn't really mean it.

- I'll have a go at him.

After all, it's high time he relaxed.

- Oh, if you think a big
scene is really necessary,

we could get Henry and Morris too

and have a real rouser
the night before he sails.

- Morris is awfully hysterical these days

and Henry's not nearly so
reliable since he married Joanna.

- Do you like her, Joanna?

- She's a lovely creature, but tricky.

Yes, I think I like her all right.

- I don't.
- You never would, darling.

She's not your cup of tea at all.

- Who isn't?
- Joanna.

- Oh, she's not bad, a
bit predatory perhaps,

but then as far as I can tell,

everybody's predatory
in one way or another.

- I shall give it up for Lent.

- Good morning, darling.

- Good morning.

- Where's my present?

- On the piano bench.

- It's not another glass horse, is it?

- No, it's a dressing-gown for Africa.

- A dressing-gown, Monica!

(audience laughs)

Just what we wanted.

Oh, it's absolutely charming
and I'm mad about it.

(audience laughs)

Don't anybody say anything
important for five minutes.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Impeccable taste.

Just the right sort of
colonial propaganda.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

Say something about it, Monica.

- I'm speechless.

(audience laughs)

- So beautifully austere.

- Oh, Henry rang up, he's
going to Brussels today

and he's coming in to
see you before he goes.

- If these shoulders were only mine.

(audience laughs)

- So is Morris, I think.

- Go away then, Monica,

I must talk to Garry
before Morris gets here.

It's important.

- You'd better hurry.

Mr. Maule will be here in a minute.

- Who's Mr. Maule?

- Oh, you know perfectly well who he is.

He's the young man who wrote
this mad play, half in verse,

and caught you on the telephone.

You were so busy being attractive

and unspoiled by your great success

that you promised him an appointment.

- Monica, it is your pride and pleasure

to protect me from things like that.

I can't possibly see him.

- You must see him.

He's come all the way from Uckfield,

and it serves you right
for snatching the telephone

when I wasn't looking.

- I've noticed a great
change in you lately, Monica.

I don't know whether it's
because you've given up

cramming yourself with
potatoes or what it is.

(audience laughs)

But you're getting nastier
with every day that passes.

- I shall be in the office if you want me.

- But of course you'll be in the office,

spinning awful plots and
intrigues against me,

I shouldn't wonder.

- I will if I can think of any.

- Go away.

- Liz.
- Yes darling.

- Do try to persuade him

to have some electric
treatments on his hair.

It's getting terribly thin.

(audience laughs)

- And switch that telephone off.

- All right.

- Well darling, tell me
all about everything.

- I saw the play.

- Is it good?

- Yes, very, it's a perfect part for you.

We shall have to change it a bit,

but the writer is quite
willing to do what we like

as long as you play it.

- How right.

- I'm seeing Morris after lunch
to see if he'll direct it.

- Now then, I want to talk
to you about something else.

- I don't like that tone at all.

What's on your mind?

- You, your general behavior.

- Well Liz, what have I done now?

- Don't you think it's
time you started to relax?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Who was that poor little creature

I saw here this morning in evening dress?

- She'd lost her latch-key.

- They often do.

(audience laughs)

- Now Liz.

- In my humble opinion, all
this casual scampering about

is rather undignified.

- Casual scampering, indeed.

You have a genius for
putting things unpleasantly.

- Don't misunderstand me.

I'm not taking the moral view.

I gave that up as hopeless years ago.

No, I'm merely basing my little homily

on reason, dignity, position
and, let's face it, age.

- May God forgive you.

(audience laughs)

- It's all very fine for you
to come roaring back from Paris

where you've been up to God knows what

and start to bully me.

- Oh, I'm not bullying you.

- Yes, you are, you're
sitting smug as be damned

on an awful little cloud
and blowing down on me.

- Don't bluster.

- Who deserted me in the first place?

Abandoned me and left
me a prey to everybody?

Answer me that!

- I did, thank God.
- Well then.

- Would you like me to have stayed?

- Certainly not, you drove me mad.

- (laughs) Stop shilly
shallying about then,

and pay attention.

- This, to date, is the most
irritating morning of my life.

- Be good, there's a darling, I mean it.

- What do you mean?

- Exactly this.

Your behavior naturally affects all of us.

Morris, Henry, Monica, and me.

You're responsible for us and
we are responsible for you.

You never miss an
opportunity of lecturing us

and wagging your finger in our faces

when we happen to do something
you don't approve of.

- Of all the base ingratitude!

- I think the time has come for you

to look very carefully at yourself

and see if you really need
all this buccaneering.

- Buccaneering?

(audience laughs)

- Just try not to be so
devastatingly charming

to people for a little.

Think what fun it would be

to be unattractive for a minute or two.

Why, you might take to
it like a duck to water.

- Oh Liz, you know, you
really are very sweet.

- Oh dear, I might as
well be talking Chinese.

- Oh, don't be cross, Liz, please.

I admit, I am a trifle
feckless every now and then,

but I really don't do any harm to anybody.

- You do harm to yourself and to the few,

to the very few who really mind about you.

- Oh, I suppose you've been
discussing this already

with Monica and Henry and Morris?

- Well, I haven't yet, but I will

unless I see some sign of improvement.

- Blackmail, hey.

- Well, you know how you hate it

when we all make a concerted pounce.

- The thing that astonishes me in life

is people's arrogance.

- (laughs) Well, you're a fine
one to talk about arrogance.

- Well, it's fantastic, look at you all.

Gossiping in corners,
whispering behind your fans,

telling me what to do and what not to do.

It's downright sauce, that's what it is.

And what happens if I relax my loving hold

on any of you for one minute?

Disaster, I happen to play a
three month season in New York.

Henry immediately gets pneumonia,

goes to Biarritz to recover,

meets Joanna and marries her!

- Isn't this all a
little beside the point?

- I go for a brief
holiday in Saint-Tropez,

and when I come back, what do I find?

- We're not gonna have
that all over again.

- You and Henry have
put all of Henry's money

into The Lost Cavalier.

And who played it for 18 months

to capacity with extra matinees?

- You did!
- I did!

And who started his whole career
as a director in that play?

Morris!
- Morris!

Oh I wish you would stop asking questions

and answering them yourself,
it's making me giddy.

- Well, where would they
have been without me?

Where would Monica be now if I hadn't

snatched her away from that
sinister old aunt of hers

and given her a job?

- With the sinister old aunt.

- And you, my dear.

One of the most melancholy,
depressing actresses

on the English stage.

Where would you be now

if I hadn't forced you to give
up acting and start writing?

- Good God, I even had
to marry you to do it.

- Oh yes, and a fine gesture
that turned out to be.

- Well, I was in love with you

for longer than I was with
anyone else, you can't grumble.

- I never grumbled.

I believe in going through any experience

however shattering.

- You adored me, you know you did.

- I still do, dear.

You're so chivalrous, rubbing it in

how dependent we all are on
you for every breath we take.

- I didn't say that.

- You're just as dependent
on us, anyway, now.

We stop you being extravagant

and buying houses every five minutes.

We stopped you, in the nick of
time, from playing Peer Gynt.

(audience laughs)

- I still maintain

I would have been
magnificent as Peer Gynt.

- Above all we stop you from overacting.

(audience laughs)

- You have now gone too far.

I think you had better go away somewhere.

- I've only just come back.

- Monica, Monica, come here at once!

- What on earth's the matter?

- Have you or have you
not seen me overact?

- Frequently.

(audience laughs)

- It's a conspiracy, I knew it!

- As a matter of fact,
you're overacting now.

(audience laughs)

- Very well, I give in.

You're all against me.

It doesn't matter about me.

Oh no, I'm only the breadwinner.

It doesn't matter that
I'm wounded and insulted!

It doesn't matter that my
timorous belief in myself

should be subtly undermined.

- Your belief in yourself

is about as timorous as Napoleon's.

- And look what happened to him.

(audience laughs)

He died forsaken and alone
on a beastly little island

all surrounded by water.

- Islands have that in common.

(audience laughs)

Now then, about Morris.

I want you to concentrate for a minute.

- How can I concentrate?

- I'm very worried.

- About Morris, why, what's wrong?

- I'm not definitely
sure anything is really,

but I've heard things.

- Well, what sort of thing?

- It's Joanna.

- Joann, Joanna.

- Apparently Morris is in love with her.

I don't know how far it's
gone, or any details,

but I do know that if it's true

something ought to be
done about it and at once.

- Morris and Joanna.

He must be mad!

Does Henry suspect anything?

- I don't think so, but you
know he never would, would he

unless it was shoved under his nose?

- He ought never to have married that

stereotyped diamond-studded
siren in the first place.

I always said it was a grave mistake.

- Well, I don't think she's
as stereotyped as all that,

but she's dangerous all right.

- I've always run a mile from her.

Oh, Morris!

Really, it's too tiresome,

just as I'm about to
go away and everything.

This could bust up our whole business.

- If Henry finds out, it certainly will.

- What are we to do?

- First of all, find out from Morris

whether it's true or not,

and if it is, how far it's gone.

Then read him the riot act
and get him away somewhere.

Take him to Africa with you, anything.

(doorbell rings)

- Oh, it's that beastly
young man from Uckfield

and here am I trembling like a leaf.

I can't face him, I can't.

- You've got to if you promised.

- My life is one long torment

and none of you even remotely cares.

- It might not be the young
man at all, it might be Morris.

- To hell with Morris!

To hell with everybody.

- Don't be idiotic, you
have got to find out.

I shall be in until 1:15.

Telephone me as soon as he's gone.

- I'm lunching with him, he won't go.

I can't very well give
you a detailed report

of his love life over the
telephone with him sitting there.

- Dial my number by mistake and just say,

"I'm so sorry, it's the wrong number."

Then I shall know.

- What will you know?

- That everything's all right.

But if you say, "I'm so terribly sorry,

"it's the wrong number,"

I'll know everything's all wrong

and I'll be round in a
flash to back you up.

- Intrigue!

(audience laughs)

My whole life is enmeshed in intrigue.

- Have you got that clear,
will you promise to do it?

- Yes, all right.

(doorbell rings)

I'll tell you another fascinating thing

about my life here if you're interested.

No one in this house in
any circumstance whatsoever

answers a bell in under an hour.

(audience laughs)

Miss Erikson, Fred!

- I'm going now.

- The front-door bell, Miss Erikson,

has been pealing
incessantly for 28 minutes.

- Alas, yes, but there is
a woman at the back door

with a tiny baby.

(Liz gasps)

- What does she want?

- I do not know, there
was no time to ask her.

- Most of the silver's
gone by now, I expect.

Monica, Monica!

Monica, there's a woman at the
back door with a tiny baby.

Go and deal with her.

- What does she want?

- That, Monica dear, can only
be accurately ascertained

by bloody well asking her.

Kindly do so.

- There's no need to snap at me.

- Mr. Maule.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

(audience laughs)

- This is my wife, Mr. Maule.

- Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do? (shouts in pain)

I know you have an appointment with Garry

and I wouldn't dream of
interrupting it so I'll say goodbye.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye. (shouts)

Remember, Garry, I shall be
sitting by the telephone.

- Yes, I'm so sorry,
it's the wrong number.

- All right.

- I'm so terribly sorry,
it's the wrong number.

- All wrong.

- Yes, all right, goodbye darling.

Thank you and well good luck.

Do sit down, Mr. Maule.

- Oh, thank you.

- Cigarette?

- No, thank you.

- Don't you smoke?
- No.

- Drink?
- No, thank you.

- How old are you?
- 25, why?

- Oh, It doesn't matter, just wondered.

- And how old are you?

(audience laughs)

- 43 in December.

Jupiter, you know, very energetic.

(Mr. Maule laughs)

- Yes, of course. (giggles)

- So you've come all
the way from Uckfield?

- Oh, it isn't very far.

- Yes, I know but it sort
of sounds far, doesn't it?

- Oh, it's a sweet little thing
but it looks far from well.

- What did she want?

- Her sister.

- Well, we haven't got her, have we?

- She lives two doors down the Mews.

It was all a mistake. (laughs)

- I must introduce you.

- Mr. Maule, this is my
secretary, Miss Reed.

- How do you do?

- How do you do!
(audience laughs)

There's your script, Mr. Maule.

- Oh, thank you very much.

(Monica shrieks)

- Do sit down again, Mr. Maule.

I must talk to you about your play.

- Well, I expect you hated it.

- Well, to be candid, I
thought it was a little uneven.

- I thought you'd say that.

- I'm glad I'm running so true to form.

- Well, I mean, it really
isn't the sort of thing

you would like, is it?

- In that case, why on
earth did you send it to me?

- Oh, I just took a chance.

I mean I know you only play
rather trashy stuff as a rule,

but I thought you just might like

to have a shot at something deeper.

(audience laughs)

- And what is there in
your play, Mr. Maule,

that you consider so deep?

Apart from the plot which is

completely submerged after
the first four pages.

- Plots aren't important,
it's ideas that matter.

Look at Chekhov.

- In addition to ideas, I
think we might concede Chekhov

a certain flimsy sense
of psychology, don't you?

- You mean my play isn't
psychologically accurate?

- It isn't very good, you
know, really, it isn't.

- Well, I think it's very good indeed.

- I understand that perfectly,

but you must admit that my opinion

based on a lifelong
experience of the theater

might be the right one.

- The commercial theater.

- Oh, dear.

- I suppose you'll say
that Shakespeare wrote

for the commercial theater

and the only point of doing
anything with the drama at all

is to make money, all those old arguments.

What you don't realize is
that the theater of the future

is the theater of ideas.

- That may be, but at the moment,

I am occupied with the
theater of the present.

- And what do you do with it?

Every play you appear
in is exactly the same,

superficial, frivolous,

without the slightest
intellectual significance.

You have a great following
and a strong personality,

and all you do is prostitute yourself

every night of your life.

All you do with your talent (sneers)

is to wear dressing-gowns
and make witty remarks

when you might really be helping people,

making them think, making them feel, you!

(audience laughs)

- There can be no two opinions about it.

I am having a most discouraging morning.

(audience laughs)

- If you want to live
in people's memories,

to go down to posterity
as an important man,

you better do something about it quickly.

There isn't a moment to be lost.

- I don't give a hoot about posterity.

Why should I worry about
what people think of me

when I'm dead as a doornail anyway?

My worst defect is that I
am apt to worry too much

about what people think
of me when I'm alive.

But I'm not going to do that anymore.

I'm changing my methods and
you, my highbrow young friend,

are my first experiment.

Sit down.

To begin with, your play
isn't a play at all.

It's a meaningless jumble of adolescent,

pseudo-intellectual poppycock.

It bears no relation to the theater

or to life or to anything.

And you wouldn't even be here know

if I hadn't been bloody fool enough

to pick up the telephone when
my secretary wasn't looking.

Now that you are here, though,

I would like to tell you this.

If you wish to be a playwright,

you just leave the theater of tomorrow

to take care of itself.

Go and get yourself a job as a butler

in a repertory company
if they'll have you.

Learn from the ground up

how plays are constructed,

what is actable and what isn't.

Then sit down and write at least

20 plays one after the other,

and if you can manage
to get the 21st produced

for a Sunday night performance,
you'll be damned lucky!

- Well, I had no idea you were like this.

You're wonderful!

- Oh God.

(audience laughs)

- I'm awfully sorry if you think
I was impertinent just now,

but I'm awfully glad too.

Because if I hadn't been,
you wouldn't have got angry

and if you hadn't got angry,

I wouldn't have known
what you're really like.

- You don't in the least
know what I'm really like.

- Oh, yes, I do now.

- I can't see that it matters, anyway.

- No, no, it matters to me.

- Ah, do you mean?

- Do you really want to know?

- (hums) What are you talking about?

- Well, it's rather
difficult to explain really.

- What's difficult to explain?

- What I feel about you.

- Now look here, young man.

- Oh, no, no, no, let me
speak, please, please.

You see, in a way, I've been
rather unhappy about you

for quite a long time.

You've been a sort of (cackles)

obsession with me.

I saw you in your last play 47 times.

One week I went every night

because I was up in town
trying to pass an exam.

- Did you pass it?
- Oh no, I didn't.

- I'm not surprised.

- My father wants me to be a lawyer.

Imagine.

- Imagine.

- That's what the exam was for,

but actually I've been studying
psychology a great deal

because somehow I felt that I
wasn't at peace with myself.

But then gradually, bit
by bit, I began to realize

that you signified something to me.

- What sort of something?

- I don't quite know, not yet.

- Do you know that not yet

is one of the most sinister remarks

I've ever heard in my life?
(audience laughs)

- Don't laugh at me, please.

I'm always sick if anyone laughs at me.

- Forgive me, but, you know,

you really are the most
peculiar young man.

- Oh, can I come and see you again?

- I'm afraid I'm going to Africa.

- Would you see me if
I came to Africa too?

- I really think you'd be
far happier in Uckfield.

- I expect you think I'm
mad. (laughs maniacally)

But I'm not really.

I just mind deeply about certain things,

but I feel much better now

because I think I shall be able

to sublimate you all right.

- Sublimate me!
- Yes.

- Good, well, in that case, I'm afraid

I shall have to ask you to

go and start the sublimation
process immediately.

I'm expecting my director and
we have business to discuss.

- Oh, no, no, that's all right.

I'm going immediately.

- Don't forget your script?

- No, no, tear it up.

You were quite right about it.

It was only written with part of myself.

I see that now. (wails)

Goodbye.
- Oh, goodbye.

(audience laughs)

- Goodbye.

- Goodbye.

(Mr. Maule laughs maniacally)

(audience applauds)

- Monica?

Monica!

- Has he gone?

- If ever that young man rings up again,

get rid of him at once.

He's mad as a hatter.

- What did he do?

- He started by insulting me,

and he finished by sublimating me.

- Poor dear, you look quite shattered.

- I am.
- Have a glass of sherry.

- Those are the first kind
words I've heard all morning.

- I think I'll have a nip too.

(doorbell rings)

- There's Morris, what time is it?

- Oh, 20 to 1:00, here you are, dear.

- Oh thank you.
- It's a.

Well, I'd.
- You'd better.

Too late.

(audience laughs)

- There's a strange young
man sitting on the stairs.

- What's he doing?

- Crying.

- Yes, what have you been up to, Garry?

- I haven't been up to anything.

I merely told him what
I thought of his play.

- Well, I'm glad to see you
haven't lost your touch.

- Sherry, Morris?
- Yes, thanks.

- Henry?

- Is it the same sherry
that you always have?

- Yes.
- No, thanks.

- Why, what's the matter with it?

- Oh nothing much, it's
just not very nice.

- You ought never to have
joined the Anthenaeum Club.

It's made you pompous.

- Henry's quite right about
the sherry, it's disgusting.

- If anybody complains
about anything else,

I shall go out of my mind.

This studio's been like a
wailing wall all morning.

(audience laughs)

- What's the matter with
the old boy, Monica?

He seems remarkably crotchety.

- Liz went for him a bit and
then I told him he overacted.

He really has had rather a beastly time,

and then that dotty young
man on top of everything.

- Well, never mind, Garry.

God's in his heaven and
all's right with the world.

I've got some lovely bad news for you.

- What?

- Nora Fenwick can't go to Africa.

- Why not?
- She's broken her leg.

- Well, really!

- It isn't actually so terribly important.

- Oh, oh dear me, no, it
couldn't matter less, no.

It only means that I have to spend

the entire voyage out
rehearsing a new woman

in six different character parts.

How did she do it?

- Well, she fell down at Victoria Station.

- She had no right to
be at Victoria Station!

(audience laughs)

Who can we get?

- Morris wants Beryl Willard,

but I don't think she's quite right.

- Beryl Willard?

- Mmm, Beryl Willard.

- Morris wants Beryl Willard, does he?

- Well, why not, she's
extremely competent.

- Oh, I quite agree.

Beryl Willard is extremely competent.

Beryl Willard has been
extremely competent,

man and boy, for over 40 years.

In addition to her extreme competence,

she has contrived with uncanny skill

to sustain a spotless reputation

for being the most paralyzing, monumental,

world-shattering, God-awful bore

that ever drew breath!

- Now really, Garry, I don't see

how you could speak like that.

- Let me explain one thing further.

No prayer, no bribe, no threat,

no power, human or divine, would induce me

to go to Africa with Beryl Willard.

I wouldn't go as far as
Wimbledon with Beryl Willard.

- What he's trying to say is

he doesn't care for Beryl Willard.

- All right, all right, she's out.

Whom do you suggest?

- Well, just a minute,
if you're going to start

one of those casting arguments, I'm going.

I've got to catch a plane for Brussels.

I just want to let you know

that you can't have the Mayfair Theater

for the French play in the autumn.

- Why not?

- Oh, Robert's got it
for the whole season,

starting in September.

- Why did you let him,
you knew I wanted it.

- The Lyceum is very much nicer
and the capacity's bigger.

- It's a conspiracy.

You've, both of you, been trying to get me

into that underheated morgue for years.

- Well, it's being done
up and redecorated.

- It'll have to be rebuilt brick by brick

before I set foot in it.

- Arrange it later, will you, Morris?

He's obviously in one of
his states this morning.

I can't stop now.

- What are you going
to Brussels for anyhow?

- Business, nice, ordinary,
straightforward business.

Nothing to do with the theater at all.

I can't wait to get there.

Goodbye, Sweetie.

Try to be a little more
amiable when I come back.

Goodbye Morris.
- Yes.

- Oh, by the way, you might
call up Joanna, she's all alone.

- Oh, I have, I'm taking
her to the opening

at the Haymarket tomorrow night.

- Fine, goodbye Monica.

- Do you want me anymore?

- Why, what are you going to do?

- I'm going to write to Beryl Willard

and ask her to come and live with you.

(audience laughs)

- So you're taking Joanna

to the opening of the
Haymarket tomorrow night?

- Yes, why?

- Why not, why not, indeed?

- What on earth do you mean?

- I think I shall come too.

- All right, that'll be grand.

I've got a box, there's lots of room.

- Morris, why have you been
looking so mournful lately?

- I haven't been looking
in the least mournful.

I'm perfectly happy.

(audience laughs)

- Morris, you like Joanna, don't you?

- Well, of course I do, she's a darling.

- Well, I wouldn't exactly
describe her as a darling,

but then I don't see that much of her.

I gather you do.

- What are you getting at?

- People are beginning talking, Morris.

- What about?
- You and Joanna.

- Rubbish!

- Are you in love with her?

- In love with Joanna, of course I'm not!

- Are you preparing to be?

I can generally tell when
you're about to embark

on one of your emotional rampages.

- Oh, I like that, I
must say, what about you?

- Never mind about me.

Nobody could accuse me of being emotional.

- (laughs) Couldn't they just!

Look at Sylvia Laurie!

You carried on like a
maniac over her for weeks,

all that sobbing and screaming.

- That was years and years ago.

- Never mind when it was, it was.

You wore us all to shreds.
- I notice you very adroitly

turned the conversation
into an attack on me.

- Now really, Garry, what's the point?

- Do you swear to me that you haven't

had an affair with Joanna?

- Well, I'm damned if I'll be
cross-questioned like this.

- If you're fooling about
with Joanna on the side

and Henry finds out, do you
realize what it will mean?

- I refuse to go on
with this conversation.

- You can refuse till
you're blue in the face.

You're going to listen to me.

- I'm not.

- Oh Morris, it's true then, isn't it?

Oh, God, God. (groans)

This is serious, this is
really serious, please, please.

Sit down, sit down.
- No, no.

I have no intention of submitting

to one of your famous
finger-wagging tirades.

I'm sick to death of them.

- Now look here.

(audience laughs)

We have never lied to each other

about anything really
vital to us, have we?

- Well, no.

- And it would be rather foolish
to start now, wouldn't it?

- All right, all right, but as
far as I can see, nobody has.

- I'm not going to ask
you any more questions.

I am, however, going to make
you see one thing clearly,

and it is this.

You, Henry, Monica, Liz, and I

share something of inestimable
importance to all of us,

and that something is
mutual respect and trust.

Here we are, five people
closely woven together

by affection and work and
intimate knowledge of each other.

It's too important a
setup to risk breaking

for any outside emotional
reason whatsoever.

Joanna is alien to us.

She doesn't really belong
to us and never could.

Henry realizes that perfectly well,

and to do him justice, I must say,

he has never tried to force her on us.

But don't you believe for one minute

that she's not a potential
danger because she is.

She's exceedingly attractive
and ruthlessly implacable

in the pursuit of anything she wants.

If she could succeed in
wreaking havoc among all of us,

I'm sure there's no stone
she would leave unturned.

She's a scalp hunter,
that baby, a go-getter,

a collector, if ever I saw one,

and all I'm asking you, all
I'm imploring you is this.

Be careful.

- But I have at least.

- You needn't say anything
now but be careful.

Is that clear?

- Quite.

I think I'll have a little more sherry.

- I think I will too, it's delicious.

Would you?

I forgot to ring up for a table.

- Oh, there's no need, we
can always go upstairs.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, upstairs
smells of potted shrimps.

It won't take a moment.

I'm so sorry, it's the wrong number.

(audience laughs and applauds)

(dramatic music)

(audience applauds and laughs)

(gentle piano music)

- It's very pretty, very pretty indeed.

- Ooh, you look very dressy tonight, Fred.

Where are you going?

- Tagani's.

- Tagani's, is that a nightclub
or a dance hall or what?

- Bit of all sorts really.

Doris works there.

- Oh, what does she do?

- She sings a couple numbers

and does a dance with a skipping rope.

(audience laughs)

- Very enjoyable.

- I think it's a bit wet if you ask me,

but still it goes down all right.

- Are you going to marry Doris?

- Me, marry?

(laughs) What a laugh!

- You know, Fred, you
are dreadfully immoral.

- That's right.

(audience laughs)

- I happen to know for
a fact that you've been,

what is known as taking
advantages of Doris

for over two years now.

- Well, why not?

She likes it, I like it, and
a good time's 'ad by all.

- What's she going to
do when we go to Africa?

- Ah, she'll manage.

She's got a couple blokes
running round after her now.

- Oh, I see.

She's communal.

(audience laughs)

- Will you ring in the morning as usual

or do you want to be called?

- I'll ring, has Miss Erikson gone?

- Yes, she went early.

She's gone to 'er friend in Hammersmith.

They turn out all the
lights, play a gramophone,

and talk to an Indian.

- Well, if it amuses them
and pleases the Indian,

I suppose it's all right.

- But she's a good worker, you know,

even if she is a bit scatty,

and you can't 'ave everything, can you?

- No, Fred, you most certainly can't.

- Will that be all?

- Yes, thank you.

Enjoy yourself.

- Same to you, be good.

(gentle piano music)

(telephone peals)

(telephone peals)

- (squeakily) Hello,
hello, who's that speaking?

(audience laughs)

(in normal tone) Oh, hello Liz.

Yes, I've been in about half an hour.

Yes, quite alone, I'm
turning over a new leaf,

hadn't you heard?

(audience laughs)

Yes, I went to the play
with them last night,

to the Savoy afterwards for supper,

and then Morris and I dropped her home.

No, no, no, as a matter of
fact, she was very charming.

She's quite intelligent, you know.

And I must say she's a
permanent pleasure to the eye.

All right.

I'm going straight to bed.

Yes, alone.

All right, you too, be good.

Goodnight.

Darling.

(doorbell rings)
- Oh, damn.

(audience laughs)

(doorbell rings)
(audience laughs)

Joanna!

- Oh, I can't tell you how
relieved I am that you're in.

(audience applauds)

I've done the most idiotic thing.

- Why, whatever has happened?

- Well, I've forgotten my latch-key.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, Joanna!

- Oh, don't look at me like that.

I'm not in the least
inefficient as a rule.

This is the first time

I've ever done such a thing in my life.

I'm in an absolute fury.

I had to get dressed
in the most awful rush

to get to the Toscanini concert

and I left it in my other bag.

- And the servants all sleep

at the top of the house, I suppose.

- Oh, they do more than sleep.

They apparently go off into a coma.

I've been battering on the
door nearly half an hour.

- Would you like something to drink?

- Oh, very much indeed.

Oh, I'm exhausted.

- Well, we must decide what is best to be,

to be done.

- I went to a callbox and I rang up Liz,

but she must be out because
there wasn't a reply.

- You rang up Liz and
there wasn't any reply.

- Mmm, as I hadn't any more change

and the taxi man hadn't
either, I came straight here.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, you're looking very
whimsical, don't you believe me?

- Of course I believe you, Joanna.

Why on earth shouldn't I?

- I don't know.

You always look at me as if
you didn't trust me an inch.

It's a shame because I'm so nice really.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sure you are, Joanna.

- I know that voice, Garry.

You use it in every play
you've ever been in.

- Complete naturalness on
the stage is my strong suit.

(audience laughs)

- You've never liked me really, have you?

- No, not particularly.

- I wonder why.

- I always had a feeling
you were rather tiresome.

- Ah, in what way tiresome?

- I don't know, there's a
certain arrogance about you,

a little too much self-assurance.

- You don't care for competition, I see.

(audience laughs)

- You're lovely looking, of course, I've

(clears throat) always thought that.

- Well, thank you.

- If perhaps a little too aware of it.

(audience laughs)

- You're being conventionally odious,

but somehow it doesn't quite ring true.

But then you never do
quite ring true, do you?

I expect it's because you're an actor.

They're always apt to
be a bit papier maache.

- Puppets, Joanna dear,
creatures of tinsel and sawdust,

how clever of you to have noticed it.

- I wish you'd stop being
suave just for a minute.

- What would you like me
to do, fly into a tantrum?

Burst into tears?

- I think I should like you to be kind.

- Kind?

- Yes, at least kind
enough to make an effort

to overcome your perfectly
obvious prejudice against me.

- I'm sorry it's so obvious.

(audience laughs)

- I know you resented me marrying Henry.

You all did, and I entirely
see why you should have,

anyhow at first.

But after all that's five years ago.

During that time, I've done
my best not to obtrude myself,

not to encroach on any special preserves.

But my reward has been rather
meager, from you particularly,

nothing but artificial politeness

and a slightly frigid tolerance.

- Poor Joanna.

- I see my appeal has fallen
on stony ground, I'm sorry.

I think I should like
you to call me a taxi.

- Nonsense, there's
nothing you'd hate more.

You came here for a purpose, didn't you?

- Of course I did, I lost my latch-key.

(audience applauds)

I knew you had a spare room and.

- Well?

- I wanted to get to
know you a little better.

- I see.

- No, you don't.

I know what you think, but I
can't altogether blame you.

In your position as one of the world's

most famous romantic comedians,

it's only natural you should imagine

every woman is anxious to
hurl herself at your head.

I'm sure, for instance, you
don't believe for a moment

that I lost my latch-key.

- You're good, my God, you're good.

- What's the number for the taxi rank?

I'll ring it up myself.

- Sloane 2664.

- Yes, hello, is that Sloane 2664?

I'm sorry, it's the wrong number.

(Garry laughs)

What are you laughing at?

- If only you knew.

- You're enjoying yourself
enormously, aren't you?

- You win.
- Oh, give me that phone

and don't be so infuriating.

- Have another drink?
- No, thank you.

- Please, I'm sorry.

- I wish you were really sorry.

- Maybe I am.

- I could cry now,

you know, very effectively,

(audience laughs)

if I only had the technique.

- Technique certainly is very important.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, dear.

- Conversation seems to
have come to a standstill.

- I think perhaps I would like

to have another drink after
all, just a very small one.

- Soupcon.
- Thank you.

Oh, you make me feel
extraordinarily self-conscious.

That's one of your most
renowned gifts, isn't it,

frightening people?

- Surely you're not going to
pretend that I frighten you.

- It's personality, I expect.

You look strangely young
every now and then.

(audience laughs)

It would be nice to know
what you were really like

under all the trappings.

- Just a simple boy,
stinking with idealism.

- Sentimental too.

- Are you happy on the whole?

- Ecstatically.

Would you like me to play you something?

- No, thank you.

- Why ever not? You must be mad.

- Oh, not mad, just musical.

(audience laughs)

- Snappy, too, quite rude in fact.

- Yes, that was rather
rude, wasn't it, I'm sorry.

- Never mind.

What should we do now?

- Do, is there any
necessity to do anything?

- I don't know.

My social sense tells me
something is demanded,

but for the life of me,
I'm can't think what it is.

(audience laughs)

That's why I suggested playing to you.

- You must be pretty shattering

to the young and inexperienced.

- Is that a subtle allusion to my charm?

- You glitter so brightly.

You're so gaily caparisoned,
all the little bells tinkling.

- I sound like a circus horse.

(audience laughs)

- You are rather like a circus
horse as a matter of fact.

Prancing into the ring to be admired,

jumping with such assurance
through all the paper hoops.

- Listen, Joanna dear, you
really must make up your mind.

This provocative skirmishing
is getting me down.

What do you want?

- I want you to be what
I believe you really are,

friendly and genuine,
someone to be trusted.

I want you to do me the honor of stopping

your eternal performance for a little,

ring down the curtain, take
off your makeup, and relax.

- Everybody keeps telling me to relax.

- Why are you so afraid
of being vulnerable?

Wouldn't it rather be a relief?

To be perpetually on guard
must be terribly tiring.

- Oh, I was right about
you from the first.

- Were you?

- Yes, you're predatory as hell!

- Oh, Garry!

- You got poor Henry
when he was convalescent.

You made a dead set at Morris,

and now by God you're after me.

Don't deny it.

You suddenly appear out of the night

reeking with the lust of conquest.

(audience laughs)

The whole atmosphere's quivering with it!

That's a new dress, isn't it?

Those are new shoes,
you've had your hair done.

And your mind, even more expertly groomed

to vanquish than your body.

Every word, every phrase,

every change of mood cunningly planned.

You want to know what
I'm really like, do you,

under all the glittering veneer?

Well, this is it, this
is what I'm really like.

Fundamentally honest!

When I'm driven into a
corner, I tell the truth,

and the truth at the moment
is that I know you, Joanna.

I know what you're after.

Go away and leave me alone!

- Curtain, oh. (applauds)

- Will you please go away at once?

- You're really the
reason I married Henry.

- Are there no depths to
which you won't descend?

- Absolutely none.

I'm in love with you.

I've been in love with you
for over seven years now,

and it's high time
something was done about it.

- This is the end.

- Oh, no, no, my sweet,
only the beginning.

- Now listen to me, Joanna.

- Oh, I think you'd
better listen to me first.

- I shall do no such thing.

- You must, it's terribly
important to us all

Please sit down.

- I'd rather walk about if you don't mind.

- Sit down!

Dear sweet Garry, please, please sit down.

I've got to explain and I can't

if you're whirling about all the time.

- This is dreadful.

- First of all, I want you to promise

to answer one question
absolutely truthfully.

Will you?

- What is it?
- Will you promise?

- Yes, all right, go on.

- If you had never seen
me in your life before,

if we met for the first time tonight,

if I were in no way concerned
with anyone you knew,

would you have made love to me?

Would you have wanted me?

(audience laughs)

- Yes.

- Well, that's that.

Now then, oh no, shut up, no shut up.

No, you must be fair,

You must let me explain.

I'm devoted to Henry.

I'm much fonder of him than he is of me.

Oh, he was madly in love with
me for the first two years,

but he isn't now.

You stood between us.

Not only in my heart but in his.

He hated your thinly
veiled disapproval of me,

and it gradually
strangled his love for me.

Henry has been lightly unfaithful to me

11 times to my certain knowledge

during the last three years.

He's probably having a high old time

in Brussels at this very moment.

- You're lying, Joanna.

- I don't mind enough to lie.

Henry's a darling, I wouldn't leave him

for anything in the world;
we get on perfectly.

Much better now really
than we ever did before.

But you are the one that I'm in love with

and always have been.

I don't want to live with you, God forbid.

Oh, you'd drive me mad in a week.

But you are to me the most
charming, infuriating,

most passionately attractive man

I've ever known in all my life.

(audience laughs)

- What about Morris?

- Morris?

Oh, don't be so idiotic, he
was only a step nearer you.

- Has there been anything between you?

- Of course there hasn't.

- Do you swear that?

- There's no need for me to swear it,

you can see, can't you?

And even if you can't see,

you must at least be able to feel

that what I'm saying is true.

We're neither of us exactly adolescent.

We both know enough by experience

that when our instincts are pushing us

with all their force in one direction,

that it's painful to
rush off in the other.

Who could you and I possibly harm

by loving each other for a little?

- May I please I get up now?

(audience laughs)

- Yes.

- How was the Toscanini concert?

- Glorious, he played the
Eighth and the Seventh.

- Personally, I always
preferred the Fifth.

- Oh, I like the Ninth best of all.

- Nothing like the dear old Ninth.

- I love Covent Garden,
It's so uncompromising.

- I love the Albert Hall much much more.

- I wonder why, I always
find it depressing.

- Not when they do Hiawatha, surely?

(audience laughs)

- Even then.

- I won't hear one word
against the Albert Hall.

(audience laughs and applauds)

(jaunty music)

- Oh, good morning.

- Good morning.

- Is Mr. Essendine awake yet?

- He has not rung.

- I wonder if you'd be very kind

and let him know that I'm awake.

- Alas, no, he would be crazy with anger.

- Would he, indeed?

I shall be crazy with anger myself

unless I get some breakfast.

I've been ringing that
bell in there for hours.

- It does not work.

(audience laughs)

- Oddly enough, that
dawned on me after a while.

- It is the mice.

They eat right through the wires.

They are very destructive.

- Good morning.

- Oh, good morning, Miss, oh, dear.

(audience laughs)

- I beg your pardon?

- You're Mrs. Lyppiatt, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.

(Fred whistles)
(audience laughs)

- That I gather was Mr. Essendine's valet.

Does he always behave like that?

- He was a steward on a very large ship.

- Most of the ship's stewards
I've met have good manners.

- He is the only one I know.

- I would like some China tea,

some thin toast without butter,

and a soft boiled egg, please.

- We have no tea and no eggs either,

but I will make the toast with pleasure.

- Have you any coffee?

- Yes, we have coffee.

- Then kindly
please bring me some

as quickly as you can.

- I will tell Fred.

- And as he was on such a very large ship,

perhaps he could do something

about that facet in the bathroom.

- Alas, no, he was not a bathroom steward.

(audience laughs)

- Oh dear.

Oh Joanna.
- Oh good morning, Monica.

- Joanna!

(audience laughs)

- Oh, thank heaven you've come.

I've had such a complicated
chat with the housekeeper.

- Did you stay the night here?

- Oh, yes, wasn't it
sweet of Garry to let me?

I did the most idiotic thing.

I lost my latch-key.

- You lost your latch-key.

- I was in absolute despair

and then I suddenly thought of Garry.

- Suddenly thought of Garry.

- Why do you keep
repeating everything I say?

- I don't know, it seems easier
than saying anything else.

(audience laughs)

- Why, Monica, you actually look

as if you disapproved of
my staying the night here.

- I think it was tactless
to say the least of it.

- In heaven's name, why?

It was a perfectly natural thing
to do in the circumstances.

- When is Henry coming home?

- Tomorrow morning on
the 11 o'clock plane.

Is there anything else you'd like to know?

- No, no, no, I don't think I want to know

anything else at all.

- I really do resent
your manner a little bit.

Anyone would think I'd
done something awful.

- Obviously you are a
better judge of that than I.

- I really don't feel equal

to continuing this rather
strained conversation

before I've had some coffee.

Perhaps you'd be kind enough
to hurry it up for me.

- I always knew it.

- Always knew what?

- That you'd cause trouble.

I'll see about your coffee.

(doorbell rings)

There's somebody at the door.

You'd better go back into the spare room.

- Oh, I'm quite happy here, thank you.

- Just as you please.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning Monica.

- Hello Liz,
I'm so glad you've come.

Joanna's here.

- Oh!

(audience laughs)

- Good morning, Joanna.

This is a surprise.

- Oh Liz darling, I tried to
get you for hours last night.

I lost my latch-key and was
in the most awful state.

But you weren't in.

- I was in from 10 o'clock onwards.

You must have been
ringing the wrong number.

- Oh, I rang the number you gave me.

- Then I must have given
you the wrong number.

(audience laughs)

- I shall be in the office
if you want me, Liz.

- I do want you, Monica, so don't budge.

- Ah, breakfast.

- Where will you 'ave it?

- Oh, here, please.

- I think it would be more
comfortable for Mrs. Lyppiatt

to have her coffee in the spare room.

- Yes Miss.

- Oh, I'd rather have it
out here if you don't mind.

I like to see what's going on.

- Put it down there for the moment, Fred.

We will decide later

where Mrs. Lyppiatt is
going to have her coffee.

- Oh, I have already decided, Liz,

but it's sweet of you
to take so much trouble.

- That will be all, thank you, Fred.

- Rightyo, just give us a
shout if you want anything.

- Thanks, I will.

I suppose Garry hasn't been
called yet, has he, Monica?

- I don't know, shall I go and wake him?

- No, not yet.

- He ought to be wakened at once, Liz.

It's disgraceful lying in bed

on a lovely morning
like this, so unhealthy.

He'll be getting fat and
flabby if he's not careful.

- Oh, I wish to God he would.

(audience laughs)

- I wonder what she put in this coffee,

apart from the coffee, I mean.

- Weed killer if she had any sense.

(audience laughs)

- You're being remarkably
offensive this morning, Monica.

One always hears that the
secretaries of famous men

are rather frustrated and dragon-like.

It's funny you should
turn out so true to type.

- But the only thing that is
frustrating me at the moment

is a wholesome fear of the gallows.

- Poor thing, I suppose
she's mad about Garry

like all of us?

- All of us, Joanna?

- Oh, I must say he is enchanting.

We had the most lovely talk last night.

- I think it would be better
if neither Morris nor Henry

knew you stayed the night here, Joanna.

- Good heavens, why?

Henry wouldn't mind a bit.

- I wouldn't be too sure if I were you.

Anyhow, Morris would.

- Morris, well, what's
it to do with Morris?

- Listen, we don't have much time

to waste fencing with each other.

I know perfectly well that you
have been unfaithful to Henry

with Morris so you needn't
trouble to deny it any further.

- It's a most abominable lie.

- Unfortunately I dined
quietly with Morris last night,

upstairs at the Ivy.

He was very upset and
became rather hysterical,

as you know he sometimes does,
and he told me everything.

- How dare he discuss me
with you, or with anyone.

- I don't think Garry would like to know

that you have been Morris' mistress,

and I don't think Morris
would like to know

that you have been Garry's mistress,

which I suspect you have.

- Mistress indeed, melodramatic nonsense.

- And I don't think
Henry would like to know

anything about any of it.

- Are you trying to blackmail me?

- Yes, I am.

(audience laughs)

- You mean you'd be low
enough to tell Garry?

- Yes, and Morris and Henry.

I will tell them all
unless you do as I say.

- I suppose you're still in
love with Garry yourself?

- Not in the least, but even if I were,

that is beside the point.

I certainly love him.

I love Henry and Morris too.

We have been devoted to
one another for many years,

and I'm not taking any risk

that you will upset it even temporarily.

You are going to do as I tell you.

- And what if I don't?

- You'll be out, my dear,
with all of us, forever.

With Garry most of all.

- You're very sure.

- Absolutely positive.

I know Garry very well, you know.

After all, I've had every opportunity.

- Pity you ever left him.

- For him, yes, I think it is.

- And why should you imagine
I should mind so terribly

being out with all of you as you put it?

- Principally because you
made such a terrific effort

to get in.

You'd have had a much better
result and much quicker too

if you hadn't been so
determined to be alluring.

- I have never been spoken
to like this in my life.

- Well, make the most of it.

(audience laughs)

I want you to promise me that
you will not see Garry again

before he goes to Africa.

- Well, really!

- Will you promise that?

- No, certainly not, it's nonsense.

I'm bound to see him again.

How could I avoid it?

- You can be ill, you can
go to Paris, anywhere.

- Oh, I have no intention
of doing any such thing.

- Very well, Fred, Fred!

- It'll be you who's breaking
everything up and not me.

- You called, Miss?

- Go and wake Mr. Garry
immediately, will you.

- Rightyo Miss.
(doorbell rings)

- You better answer the door first.

- Yes Miss.

- It's Morris, he told me last night

he was coming to see Garry at 11:00.

- Look here, Liz.

- No, I'm glad, really, it
will be more convenient.

- I can't face him.

It'll be too unpleasant.

I'll do what you say.

- You swear it, you swear
you won't see him again,

you'll go away?

- Yes, yes, I swear it.

- Quickly, go back into the spare room.

Don't come out until I tell you.

- It's a Mr. Maule.

He says he has an appointment.

- A Mr. Who?

- Maule, he looks a bit wet to me.

- Oh dear, well, I suppose
you'd better show him in.

Miss Reed can deal with
him, I'll tell her.

- Rightyo Miss.
- Monica, Monica.

- What is it?

- A Mr. Maule is here.

- He has no right to be, he's raving mad.

- Mr. Maule.

- Oh.

- How do you do, we met
before, do you remember?

- Yes, very well, just the other day.

(audience laughs)

- Have you an appointment
with Mr. Essendine?

- Oh, yes, indeed.

I spoke to him last
night on the telephone.

He told me I was to come at 10:30.

I fear I'm a little late.

- I'm afraid you can't possibly
see him just at the moment.

Could you come back later?

- Isn't there
anywhere I can wait?

- You can wait in the office,

and I will find out when
Mr. Essendine can see you.

- That's very kind of
you, thanks very much.

- Oh, not at all, no!

- Oughtn't I to have let 'im in?

- I don't know, he says
Mr. Garry told him to come,

although I can hardly believe that he did.

You'd better go and wake him and ask him.

- No, Monica, don't wake Garry yet.

I'd rather he slept on for a bit.

- All right, Fred, we'll call him later.

- It's all the same to me.

- Listen, Monica, I have guaranteed

that you and I won't say
anything to Henry or Morris

or anybody about her being here

as long as she swears
not to see Garry again

before he goes to Africa.

- And did she?

- Yes, she did.

But Morris will be here at any moment

and it's going to be awkward.

There's a telephone in the
spare room, isn't there?

- Yes.

- Is it the same number as
this or is it different?

- It's the private line.

This one's an extension of the office.

- What's the number?

- You know it, it's the
private line, Sloane 2642.

(doorbell rings)
- Here he is.

Leave this to me, I'll explain later.

- Oh, Mr. Maule, what are you doing?

- Garry.
(Garry yelps)

- Don't ever do that
again as long as you live!

- Where are you going?

- Out.
- Out where?

- Just out, I suppose I can
go out if I want to, can't I?

- Oh, I never even knew you was up.

You are a dark horse and no mistake.

- Don't be impertinent, Fred.

- And go away, all right.
- Go away.

- Oh, the gentleman's in the office

and the lady's in the spare room

if you 'appen to want either one of 'em.

- (laughs) What's he talking about?

The boy's off his rocker.

- Lady, really, Garry,
you're impossible, who is it?

- I would be very much obliged

if everyone would just mind
their own damned business.

- For heaven's sake, get rid of her.

I've got to talk to you, I'm in a bad way.

- What's the matter?

- Get rid of her first, whoever it is.

She's probably got her ear
clamped to the keyhole.

- How can I get rid of her,
she may be in the bath.

- Tell her to hurry.

- Now look here, Morris.

- If you won't, I will.

- I forbid you to go
near that room, Morris!

- Will you please please please

come out of there as soon as you can?

- I'm coming, I was only
just powdering my nose.

- Liz, it's you.

- It's you.

(audience laughs)

- Of course, who did you think it was?

- Yes, who did you think it was?

What on earth were you making
such a fuss about, Garry?

- I make a fuss?

I don't know what you mean,
I was just sitting here.

- Why are you so completely
dressed so very suddenly?

You were asleep a few minutes ago.

- Oh, no, I wasn't, I most gravely doubt

whether I shall ever sleep again.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps your conscience
was troubling you.

- I cannot for the life of me imagine why

everybody is so absolutely beastly to me!

I can't wait to get to Africa!

To be away from the lot of you.

- It won't be exactly
unrelieved sadness for us.

- No sarcasm please.

- Oh, for God's sakes,
stop bickering both of you.

I'm in the most awful state.

- Why, what's the matter?

- Liz knows, I told her last night.

- What does Liz know, what
did you tell her last night?

- Pull yourself together, Morris.

Have a drink or something,
try not to be silly.

- I don't want a drink.

If I have a drink, it
will make it much worse.

It always does.

I haven't slept for three nights, Garry,

ever since you talked
to me the other morning.

- Oh, dear.
- Why not?

- It's bad enough getting
one of my awful obsessions.

You know what I'm like
when I get an obsession.

God knows you've helped
me through enough of them,

but this time I've made
an utter fool of myself

and I've lied to you into the bargain.

- Lied to me, what about?

- Joanna and I love each other.

- Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

(audience laughs)

- It's been going on for several months,

but we made a pact that we
would lie about it to everyone,

whatever happened, in order
not to make an awful mess

and upset everything.

But I'm not used to lying to you.

I never have before,

and it's been absolutely
driving me mad ever since.

Yesterday afternoon, I
couldn't bear it any longer

and I told Joanna I was going to tell you

and she was furious.

She said she'd never
speak to me again if I did

and she went away and left me.

I've been looking for her ever since.

She's disappeared.

Her servants say she
hasn't been home all night.

I'm so terrified that
something has happened to her.

- Perhaps it has.

(audience laughs)

- You don't like her, Liz, you never did.

I'm not sure that I do
really, but I love her.

- The whole thing's very
fragrant, isn't it, Garry?

You needn't fuss any more, Morris.

Joanna spent the night with me.

- She spent the night with you?

- Yes, on the sofa.

She lost her latch-key.

- No!
- Yes, she's there now.

I told her I'd tell you to
ring her up if I saw you.

- I'll go round now.

- No, you'd better ring her up first

and see if she's still there.

I'm getting the number for you.

- Oh, thanks Liz.

- Hello Maggie?

Is Mrs. Lyppiatt still there?

All right, here you are, Morris.

- Hello Joanna.
- You unutterable fool.

- I was so terrified.

Why didn't you tell me you were with Liz?

- How did you get her out?

- She's not out, she's in the
spare room on the other line.

- I was afraid that something
had happened to you.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I am, I'm at the studio.

Yes, I have, I had to.

How can you be so cruel!

Listen, Joanna, I must see,
Joanna, Joanna, Joanna!

She's hung up!

- Serves you right.

- I must see her, I must
see her, what am I to do?

- Control yourself and
don't be hysterical.

- I'll go round your flat now.

- No!
- No!

(audience laughs)

- You're coming with me.

- Coming with you, where to?

- Westminster Abbey.

(audience laughs)

- It's cruel and heartless of you

to try to be funny at a moment like this

when you know I'm utterly miserable.

- I'm not trying to be funny.

What's the matter with Westminster Abbey?

It's historic.

- Oh, be quiet, Garry.

Listen, Morris, it really would be better

if you didn't try to see
Joanna in your present state.

Have a drink and calm down.

- Will you stop flogging
everybody into dipsomania?

- You can see her later in the day.

- I'm surrounded by lies and intrigue

and sickening emotionalism!

And I'm telling you here and now,

I will not put up with
it for one more minute.

What do you want?

(audience laughs)

- Did you or did you
not give an appointment

to Roland Maule this morning?

- I most emphatically did not.

He terrifies the life out of me.

- Well, he's here.

- Hello!

- Oh no.
- Oh Mr. Maule.

I'm afraid I told a wicked
lie about the appointment

but I must see you.

It's very, very important.

- I want to tell you that it's all right.

- What's all right?

- About what I felt about you,

I've got the whole thing straightened out.

- I'm absolutely delighted,

and I congratulate you from
the bottom of my heart,

but you really must go now.
(doorbell rings)

(Roland yelps and gasps)
- Miss Erikson, Fred,

there's somebody at the door!

- Mr. Maule, I really do
think it would be better

if you were to come back later.

- Couldn't I stay a little longer?

You see every moment I'm near him,

I get smoother and smoother

and smoother.
- I don't understand.

- Where's Joanna?

Well, she's disappeared.

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

I thought you weren't
coming back until tomorrow.

- Joanna, she hasn't been home all night.

Nobody knows where she is.

- It's all right, Henry, she
stayed the night with me.

- But I rang the house and the
housekeeper hadn't seen her.

- There's a reason for that.

(audience laughs)

I'll explain later.

- Wait till you hear it.

(audience laughs)

- No, something's happened.

I had a presentiment in the aeroplane.

- I always have a
presentiment in an aeroplane,

a presentiment that I'm going to be sick.

I think I'm going to be sick now.

- But why would the housekeeper
say she hadn't seen her?

- Ring her up if you don't believe me.

Monica, get my flat on the telephone.

- Well, thank you, Monica, if you would.

- How do you do, my name is Roland Maule.

- How do you do!

(audience laughs)

- Roland Maule, I don't think we've met.

- Mr. Maule.

- Hello, Joanna!

Henry wants to speak to you.

Yes, he's here.

- Darling, you gave me
the most awful fright.

(doorbell rings)

- What is happening?

- Are you coming back to the house?

All right, I'll be in to
change in about half an hour.

(door thunks)

(audience laughs)

All right, darling, I'll tell her.

Liz?
- Yes.

- She says she's going out in a minute.

- Oh!

Tell her to stay where she is.

I will pop in and see her presently.

- Joanna, what?

She says she feels as if
she were in a French farce

and is sick to death of it.

Well, she's hung up.

- There's a Lady Saltburn
outside, Miss Reed.

She says she has an appointment for 11:30.

- Lady Who?
- Good heavens, what's today?

- Black Thursday.

(audience laughs)

- Thursday, oh, I'd completely forgotten.

Lady Saltburn's niece,

you promised you'd give her
an audition and recommend her

to the Royal Academy of
Dramatic Arts or something,

don't you remember?

- I most certainly do not.

She must be sent away immediately.

- You can't send Lady Saltburn away.

She gave us 50 pounds
for the Footlights Fund.

- I don't care if she gave us 5,000 pounds

for the Dorsetshire Midwives
Conservative Association.

I'm in no condition

to listen to people's nieces this morning?

I'm on the verge of a
nervous breakdown as it is.

- Why, what's happened?

(audience laughs)

- Too much, Henry, far, far too much.

- You must see her.
- No.

- It will only take a minute.
- No.

- It would be most terribly rude not to.

- No!

- Fred, ask her in.
- Rightyo.

(audience laughs)

- It's all very exciting, isn't it?

- We'd better go, I can come
back later, Garry, Liz, Henry.

- Lady Saltburn, Miss Daphne Stillington.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Essendine, this
is so charming of you.

- Not at all, it's a pleasure.

- This is my niece Daphne.

- Oh, how do you do?

- I believe you knew her mother years ago.

(audience laughs)

She died, you know.
- No!

- In Africa.

- In Africa, how dreadful.

- I've been longing to
meet you, Mr. Essendine.

I've loved everything you've ever done.

- What a charming tribute.

- Daphne simply wouldn't give me peace

until I had rung up your secretary

and absolutely implored
her for an appointment.

She is so tremendously keen, you know.

- Yes, she must be.

Oh, I must introduce you to everyone.

This is my wife, Lady Saltburn.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- My secretary, Miss Reed.
- How do you do?

You were so kind on the telephone.

- Thank you.

- And these two vivacious figures are

Mr. Dixon and Mr. Lyppiatt.

- How do you do?

- Oh and Mr. Maule.

- How do you do?
(Lady Saltburn shrieks)

(audience laughs)

- Oh, this is quite a
peep behind the scenes,

isn't it, Daphne dear?
(Daphne giggles)

- One peep is quite enough.

(audience laughs)

- This is the most thrilling moment

of my life, Mr. Essendine.

I've always wondered what
you'd be like close to.

- You mustn't embarrass
Mr. Essendine, Daphne dear.

- I'm sure he understands,
don't you, Mr. Essendine?

- Of course, my dear, but I'm afraid

I can only give you just a few minutes.

You see, I'm terribly
busy just at the moment

making arrangements for my tour of Africa.

- I had no idea you were going to Africa.

How very interesting.

You really must pay a
visit to my brother-in-law.

He lives on the most beautiful
mountain, on the top.

- Right on the top.

Right on the top.

- Please excuse us, we really must go.

We have to go to the office, goodbye.

- Oh, how sad, goodbye.

- Morris, Liz?

- I'm staying here for a
little, I'll come later.

- All right, goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye Mr. Maule.

- No, I'm staying too.

(audience laughs)

- Are you ready, Daphne dear?

You know how busy Mr. Essendine is.

I'm sure it was very sweet
of him to see us at all.

Thank you, we mustn't impose on him.

- Yes, I'm ready.

- What are you going to do?

- Nothing very much,
I'll try not to bore you.

You see, I want you to
hear me so very much.

It means everything to me.

You will hear me, won't you?

You can hear me, can't you?

And you're not angry, are you?

- Daphne, really, what
are you talking about?

- Mr. Essendine understands,
don't you, Mr. Essendine?

- Mr. Essendine understands everything.

Mr. Essendine always understands
absolutely everything.

What no one else seems to understand

is that the strain of it is driving him

step by step to a suicide's grave!

(audience laughs)

- Don't be affected, Garry.

- My wife, Lady Saltburn,
left me several years ago.

Gnawing regret has embittered her.

(audience laughs)

- There's nothing worse than regret.

Look at Chekhov, he knew.

- We have no time for Chekhov
at the moment, Mr. Maule.

What are you going to do, sing?

- No, I'm not going to sing.

I'm just going to say a few lines.

- Say a few lines.

Good, well, do you want
to stand on anything?

- No.

- Sit on anything?
- No.

- Glass of water?
- No.

- Very well, fire away!

- "We meet not as we parted."

- I knew it.

(audience laughs)

- "We feel more than all may see.

"My bosom is heavy hearted.

"And thine full of doubt for me.

"One moment has bound the free.

"That moment has gone forever.

"Like lightning that flashed and died.

"Like a snowball upon the river."

- Flakes, snowflake, my dear.

- "Like a snowflake upon the river.

"Like a sunbeam upon the tide.

"Which the dark shadows hide.

"That moment from time was sin-gled."

- What, sin-gled?

Oh, sin-gled, of course, yes.

Oh, that's very good, I've
never heard that before.

- "As the first of a life of pain.

"The cup of its joy was min-gled."

- Even better, min-gled.

- "Delusion too sweet though vain."

"Too sweet to be mine again."

- Very good, very good indeed.

- That room is like a frigidaire,

and I have no intention of
staying in it one moment longer.

Would somebody kindly call me a taxi?

- Oh, dear.

- You'd better take my car,
Joanna, it's downstairs.

- The chauffeur's got red
hair and his name's Frobisher.

- Daphne!

- Thank you very much.

I shan't see you again, Garry,

as I'm going to Paris
tomorrow for a month,

so this is goodbye.

Oh, please don't imagine

I haven't enjoyed the
circus enormously, I have.

But in the circuses I've been used to,

it was always the ringmaster
who cracked the whip,

not the clowns.

(everyone shouts in panic)

- This is splendid!

Splendid, I feel reborn! (cackles)

(audience applauds)

- I shall never forget
those lovely days in Madeira

and our picnics on the
rocks, what fun we had.

It really was wonderful
getting to know you

intimately like that without,

blah blah blah blah blah.

And now for my exciting news.

I am coming to England, imagine!

I arrive on the 28th
and shall be in London

for three whole weeks.

I'm so longing to see you again.

With my love and many many
glorious memories, yours Winnie.

- Poor Winnie. (giggles)

(audience laughs)

- How old is this one?

- It's dated November the seventh.

- That's over six months ago.

She must be gone by now.

- Well, you're the one who told me

to put it in Mount Pleasant
with all the others.

- Too late to do anything about it now.

- Much.

And here's one signed Joe.

- Joe what?

- Just Joe, it's dated
February the second.

It seems he met you in
the South of France.

- I do get about, don't I?

Oh, it's Joe!
- That's what I said.

- Joe's wonderful.

I met him in Marseilles.

He comes from Madras.

What does he want?

- It's at the end, after the bit

about his sister having a baby.

- Curious piece of
information to be sending me.

(audience laughs)

- Oh!

Well, why didn't you send him one.

All he wants is an autographed photograph.

- Because I didn't
consider that Joe, Madras

was sufficient address.

- Well, I'm damned if I
remember his other name.

- Well, he's out of luck then, isn't he?

- I wonder if I shall ever
see green England again.

- I see no reason why you shouldn't.

- I might die of some
awful tropical disease

or be bitten by a snake.

- I doubt if there are many
snakes in the larger cities.

- I can see myself now
under a mosquito net,

fighting for breath.

- Who with?

(audience laughs)

- You have a flat, literal mind, Monica.

It must be very depressing for you.

- I get by.

- How many more are there?

- Oh, about 20.

- Oh God, I can't bear it.

Put them away until I come back.

- Well, just now, you
seemed to be in doubt

as to whether you were coming back.

- Well, I can't answer
letters if I'm dead, can I?

- You finished with the tray?

I want to be getting along.

- Yes, Fred, is everything packed?

- All except the last minute stuff,

we can pop that in in the morning.

- Is this poor Doris' swan song?

- 'Ow d'you mean?

- Nothing, Fred, couldn't matter less.

- She's coming to the
station tomorrow morning

to see us off.

You don't mind, do you?

- I can't wait.

- Well, I must be getting home now.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, please
don't, you can't leave.

I feel depressed.

- I'll be here first thing in the morning.

- I do wish you were coming with me.

I shall be utterly lost in Africa

with some dreary temporary.

- Is Liz coming to the station?

- No.

- Why don't you go around and see her?

- You know perfectly well.

She's still in a rage.

I haven't seen her for a week.

- Have you tried?

- I've telephoned her three times.

Each time, she spoke to
me kindly and remotely

as if I were an idiot child.

(audience laughs)

I'm not sure she didn't spell
some of the words out to me.

- Would you like me to have a go at her?

- No, if she wants to behave

like an outraged Mother
Superior, let her get on with it.

- I do see her point.

You really did go a little too far.

- Now Monica, don't you start on me too.

- I'll take these into the office.

- You'll miss me when I'm in Africa.

- Nothing more you want?

- No, Fred.

- This place looks a
fair lash-up, don't it?

'Ow many did we 'ave?

- Oh, I don't know, about 60, I suppose.

(delicate piano music)

- Well, between 'em all,
they put away enough gin

to float the Queen Mary.

- Oh, you'd better call
me at 8:00 in the morning.

We've got to leave the house by 10:00.

- Rightyo.

- All right Fred, go on, go
on, go on, enjoy yourself.

- Same to you, be good.

- By the way, you'd better be careful

if the telephone rings.

Roland Maule has been
calling up all the week.

- You know, I think I'd
actually welcome him tonight.

At least he'd be
interesting psychologically.

- So would Rasputin.

(audience laughs)

- I feel dreadfully flat.

I suppose one always does when one,

goes away.

- It's your own fault that
you're alone, you know.

You refused all offers.

You pleaded for a few hours' solitude

in order to say farewell
to your books and pictures,

and said you'd throw
yourself out the window

if you didn't get it, and that
then we should all be sorry.

- I'm perfectly certain
that you wouldn't be.

- Now, now, now, you're
getting a big boy, you know.

You'll be 47 next birthday.

Just fancy!

- 57 next birthday, just fancy.

- Goodnight darling.

- I do envy you, Monica, you're
so unruffled and efficient.

You go churning through life

like some frightening old warship.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, darling, that
sounds most attractive.

- Have one more drink.

- No thanks, I really
must be getting home.

- A little game of something.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

(telephone peals)

- Hello, who?

No, Colonel Pritchard is not here.

He died of drink on Tuesday.

(audience laughs)

- I am going away now, Mr. Essendine.

Have you everything you want?

- Frankly, Miss Erikson, no.

I have nothing that I want.

- Oh, what a pity.

(audience laughs)

- Have you, have any
of us got what we want?

- Oh, Mr. Essendine, you are only acting.

For a moment, I was quite upset.

(audience laughs)

- You lead a very strange
life, Miss Erikson.

(audience laughs)

Do you enjoy it?

- Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

(audience laughs)

- Tell me all about it,
won't you, from A to Zed?

- Do you mind if I pinch a cigarette?

- Pinch anything you like, Miss Erikson.

- I smoke so much, I'm always running out.

It is most silly.

- You've dropped one.

Where are you going now, for instance?

I am going to my friend in Hammersmith.

- I understand from Fred
that she's a medium.

- Oh dear, yes.

Sometimes she makes a trance.

It is very surprising.

She will lie on the ground
for hours making noises.

- What sort of noises?

- They are different.

Sometimes she will sing
high up like a bird.

Other times, she may make a little bark.

Often, she is very ill.

- I'm not surprised.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Well,

I must be pushing off now, Mr. Essendine.

- Push away, Miss Erikson.

That was most interesting,
thank you very much.

- Not at all.

(audience laughs)

Goodnight.

- Goodnight.

(audience laughs and applauds)

(doorbell rings)

(audience laughs)

- Hello, it's me.

- Daphne, what is the meaning of this?

- I'm coming with you to Africa.

I bought my ticket this afternoon.

- You what?
- I've run away.

I left a note for my aunt.

You see, I know something now.

I've known it all week really,

ever since that awful
morning when I fainted.

I know that you need me
just as much as I need you.

- No, Daphne.
- No, no, no, please

don't say anything for a moment.

I've thought it all over very carefully.

I know I'm very much younger
than you and all that,

but I can help you and look after you.

- Daphne, dear, this is really too absurd.

You must go home immediately.

- I knew you'd say that.

- Daphne, please, put your coat
back on and don't be silly.

- I know you better than you think I do.

I know when you're acting
and when you're not.

You're acting now.

- I'm doing no such thing.

- I felt ashamed on Thursday at first,

ashamed at playing a trick on you

by making Auntie ring up for an audition.

But when I was here, I was glad.

- Oh, you were glad, were you?

- I think that's why I fainted.

You see, I suddenly realized the truth.

- What truth?

- How desperately lonely you really are,

in spite of all those people around you,

in spite of all your success.

I knew how deep your longing must be

to have someone really to love you,

to be with you.

And when I saw that dreadful prostitute

come out of the spare room
in that tawdry evening dress,

then I knew.

- Daphne, that was not a prostitute.

That was the wife of one
of my dearest friends.

- No, Garry, you can't deceive me, I know.

- Daphne, I wish to
state loudly and clearly

that I am not acting.

I am speaking to you
with the utmost sincerity

of which I am capable when I tell you,

I order you to put on your
coat and get into a taxi and

go back to your aunt.

- No, (giggles) you needn't be frightened.

I won't make any demands on you whatever.

I don't want you to marry
me or anything like that.

I don't believe that real love

should be bound by Church or Law.

I'm just coming with you.

That's all!

I'll just be there when you want me,

when you're tired and lonely

and want someone to put
their arms around you.

I won't even see you on the
boat if you don't want me to.

I'm not a very good sailor anyhow.

(doorbell rings)

- That's the front-door bell.
- Who is it?

- How do I know?

You'd better wait in the spare room.

- No, Garry, please not the spare room!

(audience laughs)

- Daphne!

That's what it's for.

- Get rid of them soon,
promise, whoever it is.

- Of course, of course now, bundle up now.

(Daphne shrieks)
- Be quiet as a mouse.

(doorbell rings)

Oh no, oh no no no, Mr. Maule!

- I'm afraid I must see you.

- Well, I'm very sorry, you can't.

I'm just going to bed.

- It's a matter of life and death.

- Will you please come,
what the hell do you mean

forcing yourself into my house like this.

- That's right, shout, shout,

you're magnificent when you're angry!

- I'll tell you something, young man.

You're just raving bloody mad.

That's all that's the matter with you.

- Oh, no I'm not, you're
the one who's mad.

- Will you please leave
this house at once?

- I'm afraid I can't.

It's quite impossible.

I've burnt my boats.

- Burnt your what?

- Boats.
- What are you talking about?

(Roland laughs maniacally)

- I told a wicked lie just now

when I said it was a
matter of life and death.

It isn't really quite as bad as that but

it's very, very serious.

- I'm going to telephone the police.

- I shan't let you.

I'm tremendously strong, you know.

I can lift the heaviest objects imaginable

without turning a hair. (grunts)

- Here, put that down, put that down!

Now look here, Mr. Maule.

- You may call me Roland.

- Thank you, well, Roland,
I want to put this to you

calmly and sensibly.

This is my last night in England

and I have a great deal to do.

- Well, you said just now
that you were going to bed.

- Be that as it may.

(Roland laughs maniacally)

- I know you think I'm mad,

and I really don't blame you a bit,

but I assure you (clears
throat) I'm not, at all.

I merely have an exceptional
brain in many ways,

a brain incidentally that may be of

inestimable service to you.

As I told you the other day,

you signify a great deal to me.

You are, in fact, part of me.

- I'm sure I am very flattered, Roland.

- I wonder if I could have a biscuit?

- What?
- A biscuit. (whines)

- Well, there are
biscuits just over there.

Help yourself Roland.

- Thank you very much.

I promise you faithfully I shall go

the moment I have finished this biscuit.

After all, there's no
valid reason, is there,

why I shouldn't be acting being mad

just as you're acting being sane?

- I'm not acting!

- You're always acting.

That is what is so fascinating.

Only, you are so used to it,

you don't realize it yourself.

I am always acting too.

I have been acting mad with
you because it amuses me

to see you put on a surprised face.

I am absolutely devoted to
your face in every mood.

- I suppose you wouldn't consider acting

getting the hell out of here, would you?

(audience laughs)
(Roland laughs)

- That's wonderful!

- Look, what exactly do you want?

- To be with you, that's
why I'm coming to Africa.

- That's why you're what?

- Oh, I bought my ticket this morning.

It's only steerage but it's better

than a poke in the eye with
a burnt stick. (cackles)

I've given up my law studies
and left Uckfield for good.

That's why I'm rather excitable tonight.

You needn't be frightened
I shall get in your way

or make any demands on you.

- Oh, you mean, you don't
expect me to marry you.

(doorbell rings)

That's the front-door bell,
there's somebody here.

Do be a good boy and go away now.

You promised you would when
you'd finished your biscuit.

- Please don't send me away!

I can protect you.

- Protect me?
- From yourself.

Every step you take is fraught with peril,

but your head is in the
stars and you can't see.

(doorbell rings)

- Now look here, Mr. Maule.

- No, no, no, I won't
let you send me away.

You'll regret it your
whole life long if you do.

- Now Roland.
(Roland cackles)

- Where are you, oh no no no no no no no.

Roland, open this door.

Don't be such a bloody fool.

Roland, Roland, Roland dear.

(doorbell rings)

(audience laughs)

(laughs) Joanna!

- Hello, darling.

- What is the meaning of this?

- Oh, don't you know?

- Yes, I do, you're
coming with me to Africa.

You bought your ticket this afternoon.

You're not going to make any demands

and you're not a good sailor.

- Oh, but I'm a perfect sailor.

What are you doing?

- Oh, telephoning.

I'm so terribly terribly terribly sorry,

it's the wrong number!

(audience laughs)

Yes!

- Darling, underneath this rather taut,

strained manner of
yours, deep down inside,

aren't you just a little
bit glad to see me?

- Oh, I'm absolutely delighted.

It will settle things once and for all.

- That's what I thought.

- When did you get back?

I thought you were staying
in Paris for a month.

- No you didn't, you knew perfectly well

I wouldn't be able to.

I must say I tried for the first few days

to put you out of my mind.

I railed against you, said
the most dreadful things

that you weren't there to hear.

Then I remembered.

- What did you remember?

- I remembered what you
said to me the other night.

You said, "No matter
what comes after this,

"what circumstances combine
against us, what tears are shed,

"this is magic, the loveliest
magic that I've ever known."

- You see, that's from the
second act of Love Is So Simple.

(audience laughs)

- Yes, I recognized it.

I saw the play several times, you know.

- In that case, why on
earth did you believe it?

- I didn't.

But your saying it proved something to me.

It proved that you're no more
sincere emotionally than I am.

You no longer need or
desire the pangs of love,

but are perfectly willing to
settle for the fun of love.

It's an adult point of
view and I salute it.

I couldn't agree with you more.

- That is the most immoral statement

I've ever heard in my life.

- It's true enough though, isn't it?

As I told you the other
night, I've always wanted you.

I've always known instinctively

that we were right for each other.

You need me.

The people round you are no longer enough.

I need you.

You're the first man I've
met who's worthy of my steel.

Now, I can't guarantee

that we shall be
domestically happy together,

but we'll have a good time.

- Well, I'll be damned!

(audience laughs)

- You're quite right,
what you said just now,

with remarkable clairvoyance,

that I was coming to
Africa with you, I am.

I've got the bridal suite.

- The bridal suite!
- It was all they had left.

In addition, I've written a note to Henry

telling him everything.

He's dining with Morris
at the Athenaeum though.

They can read it together.

(doorbell rings)
(audience laughs)

Who is that?

(audience laughs)

- I'm so terribly terribly sorry,

it's the wrong number!

- Hello Joanna.

- Liz darling, how nice you look.

- Thank you so much, I do my best.

- I think it's only fair to tell you

I'm sailing with Garry tomorrow.

- What fun, so am I.

(audience laughs)

- What dear?

- I decided this afternoon.

- It's certainly a big
day for the Cunard Line.

(audience laughs)

- If I may say so, Liz, I think
that's rather silly of you.

- I really don't see
why, it'll be charming.

We can eat at the same table

and do our lifeboat drill together.

(audience laughs)

- Joanna has written a
note to Henry and Morris

explaining everything.

- Oh good, then they'll
probably be coming too.

(audience laughs)

- And I should like to
take this opportunity

of saying I wish I were dead.

(audience laughs)

- Nonsense, darling, you'll
enjoy the voyage enormously.

There won't be a dull moment.

- You think you're being
very clever, Liz, don't you?

Personally I've always
thought it was foolish

not to have the courage to admit defeat.

- You seem to imagine that
I'm competing with you.

I do assure you it's nothing of the sort.

I think it best that
for publicity purposes,

you will be there as a friend of mine.

(doorbell rings)

- I give you just two
guesses as to who that is.

(audience laughs)
- I'll go, Garry.

- Perhaps I was wrong about you after all.

You haven't got the guts of a rabbit.

- I'm very glad I haven't.

I'm sure they'd be extremely inadequate.

(audience laughs)

- Is it true?

That's all I want to know.

Is it true?

- False friend, false friend.

- Come come, you're not
at the Athenaeum Club now.

- This is a miserable, disgusting
situation and you know it.

- A stab in the back, that's what it is,

a low-down stab in the back.

- Not too low down, I hope.

- I've had a note from Joanna.

I suppose you know that, don't you?

- Yes, he does.

- Is what she says in it true?

- How do I know, I haven't read it.

(audience laughs)

- Don't prevaricate.

She says that you've been lovers

and that you're going
away together tomorrow.

Is that true?

- Perfectly true.

- Answer me, Garry.

Answer me!

- I'll tell you what's
true and what's not true

and you can stop fluttering your wings

like a penguin and listen.

- Be careful, Garry.

- Careful, I've been a
damn sight too careful

with the lot of you for years!

- Have you or have you
not been Joanna's lover?

- Yes, I have.

- Well, you miserable cad.
- Oh dear.

- You should never have
married her in the first place.

I always told you it was idiotic.

- You have the damned
impertinence to stand there

after seducing my wife.

- Oh no no no no no, Henry, Henry.

It's time you and I
got down to brass tacks

once and for all.

I did not seduce your
wife and well you know it.

You're taking a very high and
mighty attitude over this,

but if you'll trouble to
look at the facts honestly

for one minute, you'll find

that you don't really mind at all.

- Oh?

- No, Morris is the one who minds.

- Morris, what do you mean?

- Garry, that was disgraceful of you.

- Disgraceful my foot.

I'm sick of everybody lying and intriguing

and acting all over the place.

- All right, Garry, you win.

I never thought anyone could sink so low.

- Oh, fiddle-dee-dee.

(audience laughs)

- What did you mean about
Morris now, answer me!

- I mean that Morris and Joanna have been

carrying on an abortive little ding-dong

under your silly nose for months.

- I shall never speak to you
again until the day I die.

- Well, we can have a
nice chat then, can't we?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, don't.

- Morris, Joanna, is this true?

- Of course it's true.

Mind you, it hasn't lasted quite as long

as your rather dreary
affair with Vira Radcliffe.

That's been hiccuping along
for nearly a year now.

- Henry!

- Oh, no Joanna, Joanna,
no no no no no no no.

(audience laughs)

Don't pretend that you
didn't know about it.

You were absolutely delighted.

It gave you room to expand.

- I told you that in
the deepest confidence.

How could you be so vile as to betray it?

- I'm sick to death of being stuffed

with everybody's confidences.

I'm bulging with them.

(audience laughs)

You, all of you come to
me over and over again

and your pour your
damned tears and emotions

and sentiment over me
until I'm wet through.

You're all just as badly
behaved as I am really,

in many ways, a great deal worse.

You believe in your amorous hangovers.

I at least have the grace
to take mine lightly.

You wallow.

And I laugh because I believe now

and I always have believed

that there's too much damn
nonsense talked about sex.

To me, the whole business
is vastly overrated.

No, I enjoy it for what it's worth.

And what is more, I fully
intend to go on doing so

for as long as anybody's interested.

And when the time comes that they are not,

I shall be perfectly content

to go to bed with an
apple and a good book.

- Well, I'll be damned!

- Of all the brazen, arrogant sophistry.

- You have the nerve to work
yourself up into a state of

moral indignation about
us when we all know.

- I haven't worked myself into anything.

I'm merely defending my right
to speak the truth for once.

- Truth!

You wouldn't recognize
the truth if you saw it.

You spend your whole life

attitudinizing and
posturing and showing off!

- And where would we be if I
didn't, I should like to know!

- Oh, stop shouting, all of you,

you'll have the roof off.

- I'm sick to death of this
idiotic performance, I'm going.

- Anyhow, if it hadn't been
for our restraining influence,

you'd be making B-pictures by now.

- I suppose you'll be telling me next

that it's your restraining influence

that has maintained me
as the idol of the public

for 30 years.

- You're not the idol of the public.

- Oh!
- Oh no.

They'll come and see you

in the right play in the right part,

and you've got to be good at that.

Look what happened to
you in Pity the Blind.

- I was magnificent in Pity the Blind.

- Yes, for 10 days.

- 11!

(audience laughs)

- If it hadn't been for us,
you'd have done Peer Gynt.

(everyone laughs)
- I'm going, I'm leaving.

- If anybody mentions the
name Peer Gynt in this house,

I swear before heaven,

I shall mount the most
expensive production imaginable

in the largest theater in London.

- Not on my money, you won't!

- Oh, we're back to that again, are we?

One track mind, money, money, money!

- If it wasn't for the
fact that Morris and I

signed the contract for the
Lyceum Theater this morning,

we should both of us wash
our hands of you forever.

- You what?

- Now, Garry, for heaven's sake.

- I'm going.

I'm leaving.

(audience laughs)

Do you hear me, all of
you, I'm going for good.

- Take my car, it's downstairs.

(audience laughs)

- It has been a great evening

for speaking the truth, hasn't it.

Well, I should like to add
just one little contribution.

I consider you, Mr. Garry
Essendine, to be not only

an overbearing, affected egomaniac,

but the most unmitigated cad

that it has ever been
my misfortune to meet,

and I most devoutly hope

I shall never set eyes on
you again as long as I live.

(slap rings out)

(audience laughs)

- Do you mean to tell me

you signed a contract for that theater

when I particularly told you
that no power on God's earth

would induce me to play in it?

- Now look here, Garry.
- No, I won't look here!

No, no, no, no.

This is nothing more nor less

than the most outrageous betrayal of faith

and I am deeply, deeply angry.

- Listen, Garry, as I
told you the other day,

they're doing up the
whole theater. (laughs)

They're simply mad to have you there

and have even consented to put a shower

in your dressing-room.

- I don't care if they put a swimming pool

in my dressing-room.

I will not play a light French comedy

to an auditorium that
looks like a Gothic edition

of Wembley Stadium.

- It won't look like
that, honestly, darling.

I've seen the designs,
they're really awfully good.

- Oh!

You've seen the designs, have you?

You're in this too.

Traitorous!

- Oh, Garry, Garry.
- Oh really Garry.

- Go away, go away.

All of you, all of you, go,
go, I can't bear no more.

I've got to face that
dreadful sea voyage tomorrow

and then all those
agonizing months of drudgery

across the length and breadth
of what is admitted to be

the most sinister continent there is.

Please go, please please please.

Parasites, vultures,

waiting to claw the flesh from my bones.

For 30 years, I've given you everything.

I gave you my youth.

Where is my youth today?

(audience laughs)

Sent whistling down the wind!

I gave you my vitality.

Where is my vitality?

(audience laughs)

Drained out of me!

And now when I'm nothing but a husk,

an empty shell, I'm to be sent out to die

in a jungle far far away.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Go on, both of you, I'll talk to him.

- Well, that performance
wouldn't deceive a kitten.

He's losing his grip, come on Henry.

- I don't know, it might actually work,

in New York.

(audience laughs)

(Garry groans)

- What's that?

Who's that?

(audience laughs)

Oh, Liz.

You know, I think I should
like a little sip of something.

I really do feel quite tired.

- Whisky or brandy?

- Brandy, it's more stimulating.

Quick, quick Liz, don't muck about.

- All right.

- Turn the lights on.

- The lights are on.

- What's that?
- Brandy.

- Oh yes, brandy, brandy.

I can't.
(audience laughs)

Moisten my lips.

(audience laughs)

I said my lips, not my nose.

Liz, you're not really coming
to Africa with me, are you?

- Certainly I am.

And not only to Africa.

I'm coming back to you for good.

- More brandy.

(audience laughs)

Liz darling, I don't want
you to come back to me.

I'm perfectly happy as I am.

- That can't be helped.

You behave abominably anyway.

You might not be able to be
quite so bad with me there.

- Please, Liz, I implore
you not to come back to me.

(audience laughs)

Have you no sympathy, no heart?

- I'm thinking of the good of the firm.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I must leave a note for
Monica in the office.

I want her to ring up the bank for me

first thing in the morning.

- The office, oh God!

- What?

- Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz.

(audience laughs)

(whispers) Roland's in there.
- Oh.

- Shhhhh.

- (whispers) And Daphne.
(Liz gasps)

- You're not coming back to me.

I'm coming back to you.

(jaunty music)

(audience applauds)

(audience cheers)

(audience cheers)

(audience cheers)

(audience cheers)

(audience cheers)