All language subtitles for Her First Affaire

Ha ha, my stout beauty.

You fool.

Hand over those papers or by midnight.
Your body shall be in the depths below.

And if Aunt Agatha
catches you with this.

Your body will lie in the street below.

Come on Ann, let's get a move on.
- Oh, do let me finish this chapter.

Oh very well, twenty seconds.

Be quiet a minute.

Fifteen seconds.

Oh, shut up darling.
Can't you see I'm reading?

No, really? I thought you
were riding a bicycle.

Shush.

Time.
- Oh Brian.

Hmm. "Fires Of Impulse".
What's it about? Gas cookers?

Give it to me .. I will not have it
covered with grubby finger-marks.

It must be a nice clean subject.

Carey Merton's latest.

Never heard of him.
- Well, in case you're interested.

Carey Merton can thrill any
woman with a single sentence.

No woman has a "single sentence".

Listen to this.

"Love is the beckoning hand.
Follow it wherever it may lead."

"Don't fear it .. you were born
free, and love is your birthright."

Don't you agree with him?
- Give me that book.

No. - Come on.
- Why?

Never mind "why?". I want it.
- You're going to keep it.

Wrong. I'm going to burn it.
- Burn? Give me that book.

Give me that book, or I shall
never speak to you again.

Ha ha!

Give it to me!

Give it to me .. please.

Now, who do you love?
Carey Merton or me?

I've never met Carey Merton.
- It must be me.

I'll bet he's fascinating.
- I'll bet he's potty.

I'll bet he knows how to make love.
- Meaning I don't?

Oh, you're not bad, for an amateur.
- I suppose he's a professional?

Of the highest rank.
- Hmm. Rank is right.

You should read some of his books.
Learn some new ideas.

Haven't learnt all the old ones yet.

Oh, strange .. didn't your
Granny teach you?

I scarcely remember.

Dear me, I thought you
were quite old friends.

I always think of you as Grandma's boy.

Just the same, you love me.
- Do I?

You wouldn't promise to
marry me if you didn't.

Well marriage is a little
old-fashioned isn't it.

Is that what Carey Merton thinks?

He understands.
- What?

Me .. every woman.

Now you're talking absolute rot.

You approve of convention, of course.

A man can be free, but a
woman must be chained.

Well Carey Merton thinks
differently. He isn't stuffy.

He ought to be horse-whipped.
And you ought to be spanked.

Brian!

I'm sorry, Ann.

But somehow, this old
fossil infuriated me.

If he were old, he couldn't
write so beautifully.

If he were young, he wouldn't
write so disgustingly.

We'll settle this Brian.
- How?

We'll call on him and find out.
- We can't do that.

Oh yes we can. He's got a
place up the river at Braden.

We'll go there this afternoon.

I won't let you cross the
road to see that bounder.

Hmm. Afraid he'll be too
fascinating, I suppose?

Fascinating? Him? Ha!

Alright. I will take you to Braden.
- Good.

But on one condition.
- It being?

If this fellow proves to
be what I think he is.

You'll drop these silly ideas
and listen to Grandma's boy.

And if he proves to be
what I think he is?

You'll still listen to Grandma's
boy. Go on, go and get ready.

Oh, I am so sorry auntie, dear.

Gracious child .. how you do bounce.

Good afternoon, Brian.
- Good afternoon, Miss Brent.

Why all this excitement?
- We're going hunting.

Hunting?
- Hmm. For the author of this.

"Fires Of Impulse"?

What is this burning subject?
Some trash I suppose?

Worse, poison.
- Poison?

Hmm, mental poison.

Oh, in that case, I shouldn't
dream of looking at it.

Careful it doesn't burn the sofa.

Ready, Brian?
- Yes, right-oh.

Goodbye, Aunt Agatha.
- Goodbye, dear.

Bye bye.

You promised to show me
Carey Merton. Is he here?

Well, that's his house, just there.
Next to the Clark-Brown's.

I wonder if he's
anything like his books.

I say, that's Carey Merton's wife.

Oh my dear .. fancy
being married to him.

Look .. you can see him
in there, in his study.

Any letters, Mary?
- They're in the study, Madam.

Thank you.

"She yearned for adoration .."

"And now .. she was love-hungry."

"Now .."

"Love was a food and .."

"She .."

No. No.

Carey dear .. what's the matter?

It's my heroine, confound her.

What's the matter with your heroine?
- Everything.

What's she done?

Nothing, that's the whole
trouble. She won't .. move.

Surely, you can persuade her?

She was to have been
such a lovely thing.

She just won't come to life.
- Of course she will, dear.

Tell me .. is she married?

No .. interesting.
- Oh.

Well, that is, I mean she is very young.

Can't your hero manage her?

She hasn't met him yet.

What's he like?

Oh, my usual successful type
you know: strong and silent.

Married, of course?

Yes, to a good woman.

Rather like a cow. You know the type.

Do I, dear?

The wife doesn't bother me.
She's just background.

I see.

Let's look for the girl.

Can't you see her?

Young .. vivid .. seeking after life.

You mean .. modern.
- Yes, why?

Modern girls are always
seeking after something.

I know dear, I know.

That's why she's interesting.

She's seeking after life like a ..

Like a ..

Like a kitten after its first mouse.

Well, yes.

With the world at her feet,
and love as her birthright.

That's grand until she comes
up against social convention.

Ah, now you have said something.

She finds herself up against priggish
social conventions that try to cramp her.

And then what does she do?
Can you tell me that?

I'm not a modern girl.

Then I'll tell you what she
does .. she smashes it!

Oh, I'm sorry.

There I go, raving again.

Why don't you shoot me?

Why?

You haven't opened your fan-mail.

Oh, it's the usual thing.
- Pretending you don't like it?

Hmm? Truthfully, I suppose I do.

You're tired.

Why not chuck work for a while?

Let's run over to St. Moritz.

It's lovely up there now.

St. Moritz would bore me to distraction.

What I need, is new inspiration.

I say .. quite a pretty girl.

Quite.

Don't open any more of those now.

We go to lunch with
Lady Brogden, you know.

We are? Where?
- At the club.

Margot dear, you know what that means.
I'll run into a lot of foolish women.

Yes. But think of the
thrill you give them.

Well, they're easily thrilled.

And I know they'll admire your new tie.

Do you think so? Really?
- Yes.

I'm sorry if I was terse, old girl.

That's alright my dear.

Come on.

Oh.

There he is now.
I wish I dared speak to him.

But I'm going to Daphne. Think of having
his name written in his own book.

Oh, Mr Merton, do write in my book.

Well this is quite against
my rule, you know.

Oh, please, Mr. Merton ..

Hello, Lady Brogden.

Why Margot dear, nice of you to come.
And where is your famous husband?

There.

Yes.

Why bless my soul. They're
around the man like flies.

I find it decidedly amusing. Don't you?

Not very.
- Jealous?

Of them? No.
- Of his success, eh?

Something of the sort.

You see, Carey's outgrowing me.

I no longer inspire him.

My dear, as bad as that?
- I suppose it might be worse.

Impossible. Who's the woman?

Oh, there isn't any woman. Yet ..

Maybe, there ought to be.
- What?

Carey's been grazing in the same
pasture too long. That's the trouble.

Why not take off the hobbles?
- The hobbles?

Let him loose for a bit .. shut one
eye .. pretend you're not looking.

He'll run better in double
harness ever after.

It wouldn't work with Carey.
- My dear, it always works.

You don't know him .. he's brave enough
in a crowd .. but alone with one woman?

He'd jump the fence in a panic,
straight back to the home pasture.

To find you there, waiting
to soothe him, eh?

My dear, how absurd. He'd shy away
from any of the girls we know.

Well, maybe, but ..

Someday, some little girl is going
to come along with a lump of sugar.

A lump of sugar?

In half the drawing-rooms in London,
there's young girls devouring his books.

Oh.

Mad .. mad.

Tut, tut, tut .. that child.
Reading stuff like that ..

"Fires Of Impulse", indeed.

Who is this Carey Merton I wonder?

Oh ..

Oh ..

Ha, ha, ha.

"Carey Merton, Carey Merton.
Carey Merton, Carey Merton."

"Carey Merton, Carey Merton.
Carey Merton, Carey Merton."

"Carey ......... Merton.
Carey ......... Merton."

"Carey ........... Merton."

This is where he lives.
- How do you know?

There were photographs of
this place in a magazine.

There he is .. oh, do come along
and let's have a look at him.

You can't run wild like this
over a man's private property.

No man has property which a
woman can't share if she's clever.

That's one of Carey Merton's
own lines .. come on.

I suppose you won't be happy until
you've seen the wretched person.

Now listen to this Margot ..

"Love was a food and she was starving."

"She knew that somewhere within
that villa was the man. Her man."

"Though she had never met him
she felt that through the ages .."

"They had been meant for each other."

"So she stood there, waiting.
What would destiny hold for her?"

"Would love come gently,
like an autumn leaf?"

"Fluttering, falling. Or like a ravening
brute, teeth gnashing, eyes ablaze?"

Oh no .. run .. run!

We must get out of here .. come on.

Well .. satisfied?

What happened?
- We fell in.

Evidently .. but what
are you doing here?

Were you calling on us?

Well, yes, we were.

But your dog scared us. So we ran.

What a shame.
- Oh it's quite alright, really.

Actually, it was all Brian's fault.

Brian?

He's Brian.
- Brian Cutler?

Well, what's left of me.
- Molly Cutler's brother?

Ah, yes.

Oh, Carey. This is Brian Cutler.

This is my husband - Carey Merton.

How are you?
- Pretty damp, thanks.

Yes, you seem to have taken
to the water rather too literally.

Oh, let me introduce
Miss Brent .. my fiancée.

Oh, I'm sorry.
- Sorry? Oh ..

Uh, this is, I mean, these are
Mr and Mrs Carey Merton.

Oh, Mr. Merton.

Oh.

Oh Carey, bring her up to the house.
It must be the shock of the cold water.

It would take more than
cold water to shock Ann.

I'll take her.

She's no trouble, you'll get all wet.

But I am all wet.
- Why so you are. Too bad.

Oh, thank you Mr. Merton.
- Are you comfortable?

Quite thanks.

Another cushion?

Oh, you're spoiling me.

Not at all.

A pity cold water was
turned on your adventure.

We oughtn't to have come.
It was an awful cheek.

I've read all your books.
Every one of them.

That's very nice of you.

And have you read them, Brian?

Well .. I'm not much of a reader.

Oh, you needn't be shy about it.

Nobody knows better than I do that
my great appeal is to women.

Yes, I know.

I think your books are simply divine.

Brian doesn't like them.

Men seldom do like my books.

I tell the truth about
love and marriage.

Brian should be very interested
in love and marriage.

Didn't you say you two were engaged?

Yes .. but I don't go in for modernism.

No, of course you don't.
Modernism is a woman's problem.

Well, how would you like it if
your wife got terribly "modern"?

Marriage shouldn't make any difference
to the freedom of the individual.

Oh, Mrs Merton, don't you get a thrill
at being married to such a famous man?

Oh, I'm afraid I've got
rather used to it.

Yes, I suppose marriage is like that.
- Like what?

Well like that .. I mean the
edge wearing off a bit.

A lot you know about it.

Oh, please don't misunderstand me.

My husband and I are perfectly
happy .. aren't we dear.

Aren't we dear?
- What?

Oh yes, of course, perfectly.

Oh .. I didn't exactly mean that.

What I mean is.

I feel a girl oughtn't to get married
until she knows what she is .. doing.

What?

And a very sound point of view.
- Oh, is it?

Yes, people fear experience too much.

They don't realize it helps one to ..

Get a grip on life.

What do you mean by "experience"?

He doesn't mean marriage.

No, I thought he didn't.

I agree with him thoroughly.

I'm on with my work.

Why don't you two sit outside?
It's much warmer there.

Good idea. There's more air too.

As soon as your things are
dry, I'll let you know.

You're so kind.

And you too, Mr. Merton.

I shall never forget
this afternoon, never.

Quite against my rules, you know.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

You needn't have been so rude.

I'd like to strangle him.
- He's a perfect dear.

A perfect ass.

Just because he tells the
truth about marriage?

I was a fool to bring you down here.
You were bad enough before.

Goodness knows what you'll be like
now you've met the poor sap.

Oh, I'm much too upset
to argue with you.

Good. Then the sooner our things are dry
and we go back to London, the better.

I don't think I feel well enough
to go back to London.

Now, look here Ann. What's the idea?

I think I'll stay here for a while.

Oh, no you don't. You'll come back
with me to London and like it.

Try and make me go back.

You're chasing this Carey Merton.

Ha .. chasing.

I hadn't noticed him running away.

Now listen here, Ann.
I'm just about sick of this.

And so ..?

Well?

Your things are nearly dry.
- Oh thanks.

Oh .. oh ..

Oh my dear.

What's the matter?

I don't know .. I just feel weak.

She's not weak. She's as fit as I am.

Oh, but she's had a terrible shock.

Oh, men never seem to understand.

Please may I use your telephone?
- Of course my dear. It's just inside.

Thank you so much.

What are you going to do?
- Telephone aunt Agatha.

Oh hello Miss .. well there
must be a reply .. try again.

[ Telephone ]

Oh, what is it Murgatroyd?
- The phone, mum.

Well, I can hear that.
- Yes, well it's been ringing for ages.

You know I can't hear it.
I've lost my glasses.

Ah. Oh .. Murgatroyd.

See, take this.

Only keep the place.

Yes?

What? Yes.

Yes, hello. What?

Oh. Ann, my dear child.

Aunt Agatha?
I'm not coming home.

I want you to come down
here and stay with me.

Certainly not. I've never heard of such
a thing. You must come home at once.

But darling, I can't.

I'm ill and weak.

No, no .. ill and weak.

You don't sound weak.

Now don't argue, darling.

Pack a bag for yourself, dear.
And bring me down some clothes.

No. I insist on you coming back at once.
Mixing with a lot of strangers ..

They may be impossible people.
Who are they anyway?

What?

Merton .. Carey Merton?

Not the Carey Merton?

Oh no, I wouldn't dream of you coming
home dear. No, of course you're ill.

Yes, you wait there. I'll come down
to you. Goodbye dear, goodbye .. yes.

Murgatroyd .. I'm going to meet
Carey Merton. Come and help me pack.

Do you know, I'm bridling like a twitch.

I mean .. I'm twitching like a bride.

Look here Ann, give up this silly
idea and come back with me.

Certainly not.

I don't understand you at all.
- Of course you don't.

I love you Ann. Why not marry me
and forget all this modern nonsense?

What? Tie myself down to one man
with all my youth before me.

And a world full of men.

You've got to stop reading
this chap's rotten books.

You seem to think you
can order me about.

No I don't, but I do feel I have
some say in the matter.

Really?
- Well, we're engaged, aren't we?

Well, I'm wearing you're
ring for what it amounts to.

For "what it amounts to"? I suppose
you call that another silly convention?

Of course.
- I see.

Well, isn't it?
- No.

Now, how do I know I am going
to love you forever and ever?

But you told me you loved me.
- I may meet someone I love more.

Rot!

Not at all. You and I
have only met politely.

I don't know what you're really like.

Why .. I've never even
met you at breakfast.

What difference does that make?
- Oh, more than you think.

It would help me to decide whether
you are to be the first man in my life.

What?
- Well ..

I feel you oughtn’t to be the only one.

You silly little fool.

Hmm .. you had better this back.
- No, Ann .. please.

Hello Brian. Surely you're not going?

Yes. I'm afraid I've
outstayed my welcome.

How absurd .. you are always welcome.

That's awfully nice of you.

Well .. I must be off.

But you're coming to the costume
dance on Saturday of course?

I don't see how I can, now.

I'm sure you can .. promise you'll try?

Very well .. I'll try.
- Good.

Brian's in a tremendous hurry to leave.
- Oh, he's a nitwit.

Oh, I'm afraid you've been squabbling.
- Well, yes. But he was impossible.

He's got the most Victorian ideas.

Besides that, he was very rude
about Mr. Merton's books.

Really? How dreadful.

Well, I must say I think you
were a little unkind to him.

Oh, let's not talk about Brian.
The great thing is I'm here.

And absolutely free .. I'll go
and change now, if I may.

Do my dear. Your things are quite dry.

By Jove .. isn't it refreshing to
have someone so young with us?

She's like a breath of
new life about the place.

That child has something,
Margot .. a strange something.

Yes .. perhaps a lump of sugar.

Hmm?

Hello Ann. Are you coming with us?
We are going to see Lady Brogden.

I won't if you don't mind.

I've got rather a headache.

Oh my dear. Is it very bad?

Well, fairly.

Oh in that case, you must sit there
and keep quiet .. have a nice rest.

Thank you auntie dear.

How your husband inspires one, my dear.

Do you know .. I feel as young as Ann.

And as attractive.
- Really?

Of course, when I was her
age, I was quite a belle.

But marriage never appealed to me.

Though the young men used to hum
around like bees round a honey-pot.

It was too absurd, really.

When I think of those young
men, how foolish they seemed.

How beautifully, romantically, foolish.

They used to vow if they couldn't get me
they would lead a life of bachelorhood.

Tell me Mrs Merton, don't you think
a bachelor's life is too pathetic?

I dare say it has its compensations.

Yes, but a bachelor is so selfish.
He keeps everything to himself.

Ah!

Heavens .. oh!

Madam, my chop if you don't mind.
- Oh, how revolting.

Not at all. Just a little underdone.

I can assure you Madam, the
whole thing was an accident.

Surely, that face is familiar to me?

What face?
- Your face.

It's the only one I've got.
- But I have seen it somewhere.

I can feel it .. I know it.

Yes, of course. It's Major Gore.

You have the advantage of me Miss ..?

Brent. Miss Brent.

Great Scott. Miss Brent .. so it is.

It's ages since I saw you .. ages.

Oh, come Major, it's not so
very long ago. Since the war.

Which war?

Wicked as ever .. just a big tease.

You know Mrs Merton of
course .. Mrs Carey Merton.

Oh, of course. How do you do?

I'm very well, thank you Major.
- Nice to see you again.

I'm sorry about the chop.

I think, if you don't mind, I'll just
stay and chat with the Major.

Certainly. I'll go and see if
I can find Lady Brogden.

Will you sit down.
- Oh, well I will. Thanks.

Don't mention it.

And uh, what have the years
been doing to you, Major?

What have the what been doing to who?
- I mean .. what has fate brought you?

A very tough chop.

We seem to have that in common.

Good job it wasn't Irish stew.
- Oh really.

Tell me, is there a Mrs Major Gore?

Not that I'm aware of.

But surely you're not a bachelor?

Surely I am.
- Oh .. remarkable.

And how have you escaped the
bonds of matrimony all these years?

Oh, I think I was born
under a lucky star.

You've travelled a lot, no doubt?
- Oh yes, keep moving a bit.

Still, even the loneliest
get "caught" someday.

And, do you live down here all alone?

Yes.

Oh, but Major.

Surely you haven't gone all these
years without meeting someone ..

Who has looked into your eyes
and read all your secrets?

Who has taken account of every
little unconsidered trifle.

And who has surprised you,
by valuing you at your true worth.

Haven't you met such a person?

- Yes, once.

Tell me .. who was it?

The income-tax collector.

Oh.

You say she's young and attractive?
- Yes.

And Carey's impressed?
- Obviously.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

I don't know. I may ask her to leave.

I suppose most women would do that.
- And most women would be wrong.

Yes, that's it. I'm afraid of
doing the wrong thing.

I know, my dear. It's so easy for
a wife to do the wrong thing.

When she's afraid of losing her husband.

She's so vivid.

I feel helpless.

Now my dear, don't be frightened.
I'll tell you how to play your cards.

This girl's staying on for the dance?
- Yes, I don't know when she's leaving.

Well, we'll see what can be done.

Meanwhile, I'd rather like to
meet this modern "vampire".

Stroll to the bungalow with me.

Of course not. I'm
delighted to have you.

If I'm putting you off your work,
I can go back to the garden and read.

You'll do nothing of the kind. In any
case, life needn't be all work, need it?

You're awful kind and
understanding to me.

You know perfectly well that this is one
of those time when I hate being alone.

It isn't good for one
to be alone too much.

It's human to want companionship.

I've never had much companionship.
No-one understands me.

You're lonely too, aren't you?

I ..? Oh, I don't know.

I feel you are. I know you are.

You show it in your books.

You're seeking .. something.

I feel you're terribly
alone, in your soul.

Do you know, you're the most amazing
child. You seem to know all about life.

Only because I've read your books.

Have my books give you this
insight into life? - Yes.

Then for once, I can
believe in my own success.

Oh, I love your books. They are
all I have ever really loved.

Except.
- Except?

Their author.

You silly little thing! You
mustn't say things like that.

But I must.

I feel our lives have touched, and that
you'll always influence me, Carey.

Carey?
- Yes, Carey.

I've known you for years.
I've always known you.

We belong to each other.

My dear child, you mustn't. Really ..

Oh!

Uh-oh.

Come along.

Oh, but my dear ..

Don't be foolish.
It's just what he needs.

But I didn't bargain for that, you know.
- Everything we hoped ..

Excuse me sir, the dancing
master is ready for you, sir.

Oh good. Tell him I'm coming
along at once. - Yes, sir.

Oh, are you taking dancing lessons?
- Oh, I'm pretty good already.

Just a bit of polishing up for the
costume affairs taking place here.

Just a few of the finer points.

How delightful. I never dreamed
you were a dancing man.

It comes naturally to me. Always did.

Well, could I come and watch?

Certainly.

Ah, I think I could do
with a little polishing too.

Well, Madam I'll take you at 3 pm.
- Thank you Professor.

I shall be charmed and charmed.

Good afternoon, Major.
- Good afternoon.

Professor Hotspur from Tottenham.
Miss Brent.

How do you do?
- I am charmed and charmed.

Professor, do you think
you can squeeze me in?

Madam, I am not a corsetiere.

Oh no. I meant, could you
give me a dancing lesson?

I shall be charmed, after I
have finished with the Major.

Would you care to sit
down? Just for a moment.

Now, Major, are you ready?
- Yes, I'm bursting to start.

Right, now we start with the waltz.

It's quite light now.
It's quite simple. It goes ..

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

No, keep your under-chest
in please .. one, two, three.

Oh, one, two, three.
One, two, three, up.

One, two, three.

Keep your feet flat on
the floor and well planted.

Oh, sorry.
- Oh.

Was my step at the right time?
- Yes, but in the wrong place.

A technical error. Let me
see if I can do it again.

No, no. May I suggest you
have your lady partner now.

The lady partner please, please.
It's alright. Now don't worry.

No, no, that's the wrong position.
- Oh, it felt to me quite alright.

There. Now that's better. Now .. action.

On the beat. One, two, three now.
One, two, three ..

Three, two, one.
One, two, three .. round.

Round .. I beg your pardon.

Round.

Now 1,2,3 .. a little faster.
1,2,3 - 3,2,1 - 1,2,3 - 3,2,1 ..

Oh, Major!

Oh, Major.

I assure you Madam that the
whole thing was an accident.

Confound it, boy.
What are you playing at?

It's this here .. thing here, sir.
- What "thing" here?

That's my sabre.

Looks like a sword to me, sir.

Well it is a sword.

I thought you said it was a sabre.

Well it is a sabre.

How can it be a sabre if it’s a sword?

I don't want any of your cheek.

I know what it is.
Do you think I'm a fool?

Yes sir.
- What?

It's a sabre, sir.
- It isn't .. it's a sword.

You just said it was a sabre, sir.

No more lip! Can't you keep your
tongue still for five minutes?

Get me out of this!
- Yes, sir.

And I'll give you a letter of reference.
- Thank you, sir.

Look out.
- No! It's round here, sir.

You mind my fingers .. oh, look.

What is this? All-in wrestling?
- No. Put that in there sir.

Don't you mention "sword" again.
- Oooh!

Sir!

Pardon me, I think I can
help you. Just a minute.

Take this out first, you
see. Hold that for me.

That's right, take this off.

Like so.

Oh, it's a bit tight, isn't it?
- That's right. Hold the coat.

That's the trouble, sir. Your cutlass.

Cutlass?

There you are you see, sir.
It's a cutlass.

Oooh.

A cutlass ..

A cutlass?
- Yes, that's right.

It's a sword.
- Why so it is. I beg your pardon.

Silly affairs these, don't you think?

I don't know. I rather like
fancy-dress dances.

If it's not a rude question.
Whoever are you supposed to be?

Romeo.
- Oh, Romeo?

I'm Napoleon. Come along, have a drink.

As a matter of fact, I expect
to meet someone here.

Juliet?
- Yes, Juliet.

You gay dog. Who is the
lady? I may have seen her.

Uh, Miss Brent.

Miss Brent? Ye Gods,
you know Miss Brent?

Very well indeed. Do you?

I could write volumes about
Miss Brent .. libraries.

Have you seen her here this evening?
- No, and I don't want to.

Don't you like her?
- I'm not very fond of women.

They bore me to tears.
- You're rather hard on the fair sex.

I have to be. You see, my family
was susceptible to two things.

Mumps and marriage.

I've had mumps, and
that's enough for me.

Well, you're the first real
woman-hater I've met.

There's not a woman breathing
I'd walk two yards to see.

Excuse me.

Good evening, my dear.
May I assist you?

Yes, I'm having trouble with my rapier.
- Certainly.

That's a sabre.

Oh, I beg your pardon.
I thought it was a sword.

That's a pretty costume
you nearly have on.

For a woman-hater, you're not so bad.

Well, I'm not quite myself tonight.
I am Napoleon, and living the part.

Oh, get away. I'd like to see the
woman you'd run away from.

Coo-ee!

There's your Juliet.
- That? That's her aunt.

If she wants me, I'm away.

Guard, whiskey and soda please!

Coo-ee!

There you are, Major.

Did you see me?

I didn't recognize you
in that night-gown.

A "tunic" Major, please.
It's a Greek tunic.

And I am Diana the huntress.

Don't you think it is becoming?

Becoming what?

Oh, now you're teasing me.

But I know what you are.
Now don't tell me.

You're a Lord Nelson.
- However did you guess?

By that great big, murderous
dagger you've got on.

Oh, don't let it fall off or anything.

I almost wish it would.

Hark, the orchestra!
Oh, my feet are itching.

Well, why don't you scratch them?

Can't we dance?
- Yes, we can't.

Come along with me now. We're having
a little drink. What will you take?

Well really, I hardly know.
Maybe if it was my birthday.

Well, have a large whiskey
and soda. Then it will be.

Two large whiskey-and-sodas. Swift!

Hello Aunt Agatha.

Oh Brian, my dear boy.
Do you know Major Gore?

Oh yes, quite well. He's been
looking for you all evening.

He said so? Really?

Yes.

That's good for your handlebars.
That will make your hair curl.

Oh .. a permanent wave?
- Yes.

Where's Ann?

Well .. really Ann ought
to be here to chaperone me.

But, she and Margot are still dressing.
- Oh, I see.

Parlez-vous Français?

May I come in?
- Certainly.

Hello my dear. Would you like
to powder my back for me?

I've been terribly worried.

There is something I must tell
you, and yet I don't know how.

It's about Carey and me.

Perhaps you had better tell me.

Even if it is difficult.

Very well, I will.

We're in love.

I gathered something of
the sort had occurred.

Don't hate me too much please.
I couldn't bear a scene.

I wondered if it would be
better not to let you know.

But that would be so cheap.

And I don't want there to be anything
cheap about my first affair.

I don't know what to say to you, Ann.

You must admit it's rather
an unusual situation.

I know. But isn't it better that
you should know the truth?

Yes, yes of course.

I admire your courage in telling me.

It's honourable of you.

Carey.

How does he feel about the whole thing?

He loves me too .. deeply, sincerely.

I know it. What woman wouldn't?

Does he know I was to be informed?

No. I thought it better not
to mention it to him.

You know what he's like.
So kind and chivalrous.

He'd hate to think he was hurting you.

Yes .. Carey would hate that.

So please don't go to him and say I've
told you. It would upset him dreadfully.

Really. It wouldn't be good, would it?

Not at all.

If it had to be, well it's
well to face it sensibly.

You really do understand?

My dear .. I'm a woman of the world.

In spite of being a trifle
dulled by matrimony.

Now obviously .. the thing for
me to do is to divorce Carey.

So that he should marry you.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Oh good heavens, no!
I don't want to marry him.

I don't think he's the
marrying type at all.

Oh, I see.

You .. you just want to borrow him?

Yes, I suppose you could put it
like that. But this is love Margot.

One can't confuse it with the
bargain one calls marriage.

We can't stop it coming, and
we cannot say when it will go.

In the meantime however, I shall have
to make some arrangements for myself.

I mean .. I shall be terribly in
your way if I stayed here.

Would you stay here?

Oh my dear child. That's unthinkable.

But if Carey and I both asked you?

That's what I hate about this. The fact
that I may be breaking up your home.

It was kind of you to think
about that. I appreciate it.

Then then you will stay?

I'll think it over.

But why can't you? You've read Carey's
books and you believe in them.

You must think the same way as we do.
- Why, of course.

Oh, but you can't be married to a
man like Carey and not understand.

Wouldn't it be a little inconvenient
for us all to share the same house?

I mean, our relative positions might
be confusing to the trade’s folk.

There is that .. I hadn't really
looked at it in that light.

Oh, it's a pity.

As you're such a good housekeeper, and
you'd know how to make us comfortable.

But there are drawbacks, dear.

You'll have to face them.

Scandal, for instance.

Oh, but aren't we above
that sort of thing?

Perhaps ..

You think a man likes to have his first
wife with him on his second honeymoon?

Oh, but Carey is so broad-minded.

I know.

If only you and he could
be somewhere else.

Not here.

That would mean leaving
you behind, all alone.

It would be awfully dull for you.

It is difficult.

My dear, why not let me think it over?

It's an important step for all of us.

Alright. We'll agree to
whatever is best for you.

And Margot, do you think it would help
if you read "Fires Of Impulse" again?

Why?

Why you remember:

"In spite of what happened, the
two women were always friends".

Naturally .. that's the only way.

Margot .. darling .. thank
heavens you're modern.

Oh my dear child.

Two large whiskeys for
Napoleon and his friend.

What are those spikes on
your boots, Major dear?

They're spurs.

Really, truly? What do they do?

They don't do anything.
- Then, why be bothered with them?

Pardon.

They are used to help the horse.
- Oh, I see.

So if you've a short horse, you can lift
your heels round the dear little wheels?

Which of course, helps you along.

Naturally, yes.

Ann is terribly late. Is she coming?

Why don't you go and call for her?

That's a good idea. I will.

Love's young dream.
Makes me all a-flutter.

You sure he's got the scotch?

Margot.

How do you like it?
- Well, where's the rest of it?

That's all there is.
It's a new design.

Who designed it?
- One of the latest young men.

He must have run short of ink.

I shouldn't worry about it.

Something to take your
mind off your work.

No doubt, you're writing about
the freedom of the individual.

Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.

Then, in principle you ought
to approve of this costume.

It represents .. freedom.

You must admit, it is very individual.

Well, it's not like you.

How do you know? It may be me.

Why Carey, aren't you coming?

No. I'm afraid the muse
is working tonight.

Come along, dear.
We're terribly late as it is.

Very well.

Do you like my costume?

I think it's perfectly charming.
Sweet and pretty and .. simple.

I envy your dance partners.

Well, if you change your mind, we can
easily make up a costume for you.

A couple of sheets and a face towel.
You'd be a marvellous sheik.

No, I'm afraid you must excuse me.

I feel that I shall do some
of my best work tonight.

Inspired?

Definitely.

We'll leave you then. Come along Ann.

Hello Ann.
- Hello Brian, I didn't expect you.

I sort-of made up my mind at the
last minute. I couldn't stay away.

You might have let me know.

I like your costume Brian. Suits you.

Hello Tommy. Who are you supposed to be?

Why, can't you guess?

Come along dears, Meldrum Gideon is
going to give us a song. Come along.

Want to hear him?
- Oh, yes.

Excuse me, while I do a
little polling. Ready for it?

Just a quick one, old boy.

Hello Ann.
- Hello Mel.

[ Singing: ]

"I've heard about love."

"And what it does to the heart."

"I've lived without love."

"Never studied its art."

"But I'll confide in .. you."

"I'll know just what .. to do."

"When love comes my way."

"I shall make it stay."

"It will discover in me."

"An ardent lover in me."

"I know I shall dwell."

"Deep within its spell."

"My heart is beating."

"For that happy day."

"When love comes."

"My way."

Nice sentiment in that song. Eh dear?

It's pretty but a bit old-fashioned.

Well my dear.
Love is never old-fashioned.

That depends on the lover.

Oh, you're one of those modern girls.

Perhaps you'd like it better this way?

"When love comes my way."

"I will shout 'Hurray'."

"I've been so childishly meek."

"Now I will show my technique."

"I know I'll upset."

"Each blond and brunette."

"Not one girl will
dare to tell me 'Nay'."

"When love comes my way."

That's better.

Oh dear, baby. You ain't heard
nothing yet. Listen to this one.

"When love comes my way."

"I will shout hey, hey!"

"I'm just the fellow for you."

"I beat my girls black and blue."

"I'll go out each night."

"I'll get myself tight."

"Nice young ladies."

"Better keep away."

"When love comes .. my way."

You must tell me what
to do Lady Brogden.

I am quite beyond thinking for myself.

Where's Carey now?

At home, working.

He's like a factory in full blast.

Turning out more munitions
for is war on convention.

Send her to him.

Alone?

Can't you take a chance?
Now do as I tell you.

Brian, you dance marvellously.

I'm glad there's something
about me you like.

Is there anything you like about me?

Yes .. two things.

Oh, what?

My arms.

Brian, behave yourself! We're dancing.

You know Ann.

There will never be anyone else but you.

Don't be silly, you'll meet
heaps of other girls.

Perhaps.

But I shall wait for you for ever.

That's what you think now.

In a year's time, I shall be
sending you a wedding present.

Just because you're
that kind of an idiot.

It will be our wedding.
- No. It won't.

I can't believe you mean it.

Yes. I do.

Something much greater has come into
my life, Brian. You know what I mean.

It's only infatuation.

No, I think it's even greater than love.
- Oh well, let's go outside.

This place has heightened friendship.

I must talk to you, Ann.

You don't know what this is doing to me.

Alright .. poor old darling.

Does it hurt terribly?

You know the answer to that too.

Oh Brian, be a dear and get
me a glass of water .. thank you.

I've been thinking over
about what you said.

About you and Carey.

I think you are quite right.
- Oh Margot, do you really?

Yes. You give him so much
inspiration .. such a fresh outlook.

Oh, it's wonderful of you
to look at it like that.

You should go to him. He's all alone.

He needs you.
- I know.

You won't be disturbed.
I told Carey I would be late.

You're a darling, Margot.

Be a dear and finish this dance
with me .. I adore this tune.

Yes, do Brian.
- With pleasure.

There's one thing about Brian.
He dances divinely.

More than you can say
for Carey. He's impossible.

What the .. blazes! Why don't
you look what you're doing?

I haven't eyes in the back of my head.
- You didn't hit the back of my head.

You hit me on .. why don't you
look after your rotten sword?

This isn't a sword, it's a sabre.

I don't care whether it's a
nail file. Keep it to yourself.

Well, you look after yourself.
- None of your cheek .. understand?

Why, you keep yourself away from me.

You? You don't know how
to wear the rotten thing.

That's your trouble.

You've never carried
a sword in your life.

I doubt if you've even been a
boy scout. What are you, anyway?

I am the Duke Of Wellington.

Who are you?

I .. am .. Napoleon.

Ah, Napoleon eh? Aye, aye.

I think we've met before.
- Really? Where?

Waterloo!

Are you sure it wasn't Charing Cross?

I beg your pardon.

Granted.

Oh, gentlemen, control your scimitars.

Oh, oh .. oh dear.

Thanks Brian. That was sporting of you.
- But you dance beautifully.

No flattery now. Remember,
I'm an old married woman.

Not old.

And not so very married
at the moment. Eh, Brian?

What a mess it is, isn't it?
- As you say, what a mess.

Where's Ann?

She's gone along to the bungalow.

The bungalow?

Ann.

I couldn't stay there and think of you
here alone. I had to come to you.

It all seemed part of us.
The music, the colours and the lights.

It went to my brain.
I grew restless and impatient.

You know what rhythm does
to one. It sort of intoxicates.

If you had been there, it would
have been so different.

So wonderful.

And now, the night is all about
us and we're alone .. together.

Ann! Ann, behave yourself.

But what can we do?

Do you find her so very unattractive?

By Jove, no.

Well you, you are not so bad yourself.

So why don't you two get
together and do a bit of flirting?

Lady Brogden.
- I mean it.

One, or even both of them may come
back. Well, let them catch you.

Or even better .. send Carey a note.
- A note?

Tell him to go right ahead with Ann.

Acting on his own theories, you've found
a new and violent passion of your own.

It's a grand idea .. let's do it.
- I'm game if you are.

Well, quick into the writing-room.
You've no time to waste.

There you are dear.
They are just starting the contest.

I think they want us to judge
the prizes or something like that.

Two large whiskey-and-sodas. Splits.

Twins?

There's only one.

Those Scottish splits are very .. [Hic!]

I beg your pardon?
- [Hic!]

What are you clucking at?
- I've got .. [Hic!]

You've got hiccups.
- That's what I said. [Hic!]

I say bartender .. this lady's got
hiccups. What should I do?

Hold her breath and count to nine.

How could I hold her
breath? You stupid ass.

[Hic!]
- Don't do it.

I can't help it. [Hic!]
- Don't help it. Stop it.

I can't [Hic!] do that either.

Well stand on your
head for half an hour.

Oh, shameless. [Hic!]

Pick-up sir?
- No thank you.

Ooh!

What're you doing? You blithering idiot.
- Always a good cure for hiccups sir.

Look, they've gone.
- Oh. That's jolly good.

Very clever.

Here you are. Here's half a crown.
Go and buy yourself a yacht.

I see .. a sudden shock and
the hiccups are cured.

[Hic!]

I beg your pardon?

[Hic!]

Hiccups.
- Yes.

Yes, I know. I've had them
myself. But no more .. not me.

Really?
- No. I've found the perfect cure.

No?

Yes .. and what's more, I'll cure
you of your hiccups fair lady.

Oh, thank you very much [Hic!]

Oh, don't mention it. I cure all my
friends and they cure their friends.

By the time I've finished there
won't be a hiccup left ..

How wonderful. [Hic!] What do I do?

Well now, now, now .. trust in me.

Now, somebody give me
a glass, an empty glass.

Thank you very much. Now,
I put this glass on the floor.

Now you bend down and look
at that glass for ten minutes.

And your hiccups will be cured.

It is wonderful how quickly the
cure works .. and it is permanent.

So .. this lady .. will never
have hiccups again.

[Hic!]

Hiccups.

I can tell you a perfect
cure for those Miss Brent.

Oh, do tell me.
- Pick out the man you really love.

The man I really love?

Tell him to put his arms around
your neck .. hold your breath ..

While he gives you a long, long kiss.

You sent for me, Madam?

Yes. Take this note up to Mr. Merton
at the bungalow at once, please.

Yes, Madam.
- Give me that note. I'll take it.

Oh Major, why should you?

At this moment, I want to
make myself scarce.

I walked to China on foot.

Oh Margot. Have you seen the Major?

Yes, he's gone to China.
- To China?

Oh, don't tease her Brian.
He's gone to the bungalow.

Oh thank you. The bungalow. [Hic!]

I'll find him.

Oh Brian, I hope this works.
It will be wonderful for both of us.

I'm sure it will.

Oh pardon, pardon me. Have you seen
the lady that fell off the end of this?

Fell off the end of it?
- Yes, right in the middle.

Oiled.
- Oil?

Ha. Up six points.

Ha. Ha. Hooray, I am rich.
Ha. Ha. Hooray, hooray.

Carey, please stop writing for a moment.

My dear child, don't
you see I'm working?

I know .. but can't we
forget that for a while?

And just think of each other. Can't we
forget there's such a thing as work?

Love never calls by
appointment you know.

I say, that's a line, and it fits.
Excuse me a moment.

Oh. Why do I keep on breaking
the points of my pencils? Oh ..

Carey.

I've come to you so that we could have
this time together without interruption.

Don't you understand, dear?
We must discuss the future.

Future?

We're going to travel
the same road together.

Hand in hand .. two free souls.

Pausing for a while to meet .. and kiss.

I say, that's splendid. Why, we'll
have you writing stories soon.

To meet .. and .. kiss.

Isn't there anything in
your life but writing?

What do you mean?
I have my house, my wife.

Your wife? Oh, but what about me?

I don't understand.
- Oh, but you must.

I've thrown over everything
for you. I've burnt my boats.

I can't go back now.
You took me in your arms.

Carey, you know I love you.
I'd do anything for you.

I've tore my life up by the
roots just to give to you.

My poor child, you don't
know what you're saying.

But it's all been so plain .. you were
inspired the moment we met.

Your life here was unbearably dull.

You showed in every movement
you were longing for life.

For love .. everything that
life was denying you.

I felt your love to me from the first.

Carey .. you must love me. You must!

Why, I should die of shame.

But you're just a child.
You don't know what you're saying.

Supposing my wife was to hear?

Don't worry about Margot.
She understands.

You mean you've told her?
- Everything.

But there's nothing to tell.
- Yes, there is.

We love each other, and she knows it.

Oh, my poor Margot.

But Carey, darling, she's glad.

But you must be mad to
suggest such a thing. Why ..

Why Margot's the last woman in the world
to countenance such an abominable thing.

But Carey .. your books on
marriage, your theories.

Don't tell me it's all a lie.

Ann, Ann. You're so impressionable. So
literal. You take too much for granted.

You're frightened. Even you
are afraid of convention.

But it shan't beat us. I won't be
parted from you. I will get you.

And I couldn't bear to see the
laughter in Margot's eyes.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's this?

Dearest Carey, I know you will be
the first to congratulate me.

Brian and I have reached a
perfect understanding and ..

Margot!

Here, you look after this child.

Oh!

You nasty old man.

I assure you Madam, the
whole thing was an accident.

Here he comes.

By Jove, it worked.
- Don't forget your part.

Why, it's Merton .. good old Merton.

Jolly old Merton.

I'm in a hurry.

So am I. Let's go some
place and have one.

You must to excuse me, I must be going.
- Very well, I'll come with you.

No, it's impossible.
- Nothing is impossible. Never say die.

I'll see you another time.

No time like the present.
I want to tell you something first.

I'll let you into a secret.

No, don't tell a soul. I'm a bit tight.

Yes. I've noticed.

Yes, and I want to tell you something
I've been bursting to say for years.

Well, what is it?

You're a novelist.

And as a novelist, you
are absolutely .. awful.

Am I indeed?

Yes, you write the most appalling tripe.

And between you and me old
man, your books are utter bosh.

No other word for it .."bosh".

I'm beginning to think you're right.

Lady Brogden, have you seen Margot?

Why yes .. I did see her
a little while ago and ..

And with a very attractive young man.

Stop!

Now, Mr. Merton.

Allow me to present you with a
cup, for the most original costume.

Thank you, but I'm looking for my wife.

Excuse me ladies, I can't ..

Darling!
- Brian.

What the blazes is the meaning of this?
- Oh Carey.

What the devil do you mean?
Do you know this is my wife?

Quite. But if I remember
rightly, the phrase goes ..

"Marriage should not make any difference
to the freedom of the individual."

Margot, you must come home at once.
- But this is all against your theory.

I don't care a hang for theories.

I won't stand by and see you mauled
by a little whipper-snapper like that.

Actually kissing him!

Mrs Merton, you've played
a detestable trick. - Why?

You invited me here and arranged
everything, so you could catch Brian.

Dear, what's Brian got to do with you?
- He was going to marry me.

I was, but I'm not now.
- Here, I say ..

What? Tie myself down to one woman?
With all my youth before me?

And the world full of women.
- It's all you fault!

You know nothing of life or you wouldn't
write those silly novels. - What?

Yes! Silly, stupid trash!
Now you know!

Look here, I ..
- Darling .. come on.

I think we'll go home.

Did you hear what she said of my novels?
- Yes, but never mind.

That wasn't a very nice
thing to say to your hero.

How dare you kiss her like that!

Ann, he's a very important person and
you oughtn't to have been rude to him.

And right on top of your telling me
I'm the only girl in the world for you.

Just imagine what would happen.

If all those women in there knew
that you had insulted Carey Merton.

Heaven knows how far you'd gone if
her husband hadn't have caught you.

I'll never write another of those
drivelling novels as long as I live.

Oh yes you will, darling. They
make the ladies happy and they ..

Buy me pretty frocks.

Well, if they are all as pretty as that
one, I'll write a thousand novels.

There is one thing though.
My next heroine will be a wife.

Come on, darling.

You .. made me sit in your
arms. I'm ashamed of you.

Well, it cured your hiccups.

[Hic!]

Oh, fiddlesticks!

The Carey Merton .. the man
who understands women.

The man who tells the truth
about love and marriage.

You'd be a nice person
for a girl to marry.

The author of "Fires Of Impulse".
The "smasher of conventions".

Why, your wife couldn't
trust you out of her sight!

"Love is the beckoning hand".
"Follow it wherever it may lead you".

And you'll probably meet the
first man in your life at breakfast.

Brian .. stop .. please!

I know I've been ä fool.
But you needn't rub it in.

But I am only agreeing with you.
- Well don't. I know you'll beat me.

Very well. I wîll.

Oh no, no Brian .. don't. Don't ..

Marry me first.

T-G öö