All language subtitles for Andy.Barker.P.I.103.lol.VO

I can't wait to see it.

Look!

Just like in the movies.

Here's my new office.

It's so dignified.

I'm gonna keep the P.I. files over there
separate from the accounting files

which will be over here.

Of course, the best part
is the fantastic view.

I have to admit I was a little worried
about this whole P.I. thing.

I know you're not gonna get mixed up
in anything dangerous,

but I do feel better coming here
and meeting everybody.

When can I meet your friend
from the kebab shop?

How do you pronounce his name again?

Wally.

Wah-lee.

What the heck is that?

Here he is.

Hi, Wally!

Hi, Andy!

He seems nice.

Capisce?

Wally, is everything okay?

It's fine.

Are you sure? Because you seemed
pretty upset out there.

Nothing worth talking about.

This chicken is brutal.

Of course it's brutal!

It's crap chicken at jacked-up prices

and that bastard from Transcor Chicken
is shoving it down my throat.

So buy from someone else.

They said if I do,
they will burn my store to the ground.

Have you been to the Police?

Like the Police would ever give
a fair check to someone like me.

I have to keep my head low
and blend in.

That is why I work so hard
to get rid of my accent.

What?

That is why I work so hard
to get rid of my accent.

I'm sorry, I still don't understand.

Maybe we could look into it for you.

Andy, please,

I will have to close
if I have bad chicken.

I will pay you.

Okay, I'll look into it.

I'll talk to your chicken supplier,

but you're a friend,
I can't take money from you.

Your generosity will not be forgotten.

A lamb kebab for you.

- Thank you.
- That will be $6.50.

All right.

Episode 103
The Three Days of the Chicken

Transcript by Jesslataree

Thanks for letting me come.

You were hiding
in the backseat of my car.

I appreciate it.

I took the liberty of working up
a back story.

We're opening a new caf�,
with a sidewalk seating, a cheese bar,

and we have mustaches.

We're not gonna do any of that,

we're just gonna politely ask
some direct questions.

Can I help you?

Yeah. Hi, we'd like to ask you
some questions about your company.

Why would I tell you anything
about our company?

Because I'm thinking
of opening a restaurant.

With sidewalk seating,
and cheese bar.

I do love a variety of cheese.

We'll talk while I give you a tour,
Mister...

White.
Barry White.

No relation.

But boy, do I get asked that
all the time!

Is he coming with us, Barry?

Victor Esplanade.
Sous-chef.

Put it away.

So, what sort of chicken
are you gonna be serving?

We're gonna be specializing in...

- barbecue.
- boiled chicken.

How's that?

Boiled-becue.

It's a fusion technique.

First we barbecue the chicken
over seether chips and then we...

lovingly boil it.

Seal in the flavor.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Barry.

That sounds delicious.

Oh, good.

That guy seemed cagey.

He was suspicious of you.
Should have worn a mustache.

Delivery truck.

Not only is it showing dangerously
uneven tireware...

- This is a delivery list.
- So?

So... we should swing by some
of Transcor's other restaurant clients.

See if there's any complaints
or if it's just Wally.

This address is right near a girl
I used to date.

I can't go within 500 feet
of that place.

All right, that does it.

Five restaurants
and everyone insists they love Transcor.

I guess Wally was wrong about this one.

He can be all off base sometimes.

On the other hand,
if Transcor's so great,

why do these chicken wings suck so bad?

Because the chicken's low quality, man.

You're the owner
of that Jamaican Jerk chicken place.

Hey, man. I followed ya
because I couldn't talk to you.

- They're watching me.
- Who is?

Transcor, man.

They make us small businesses
take all the bad chicken.

It's all beaks and knuckles.

So Wally was right.

Watch your back, bro.

They catch you snooping around,
you're gonna get hurt.

How would anyone know
that I'm involved?

LAY OFF

This place is amazing.

Reminds me of high school gym class.

Except I'm not crying.

Take that, Castro.

- Hey, Lew.
- Hey, Barker.

What is it?

Take your daughter to work day?

It is an honor to be ribbed by you, sir.

I just honestly wanna know
why you're dressed up in men's clothes.

- There's the tears.
- What do you need?

Do you know anything
about the poultry business?

I know it's bad news.

Kind of like the pork business,
without a conscience.

See, I'm looking into some bad product
that's being forced on Wally.

My office got trashed
and they left a live chicken.

Chicken?
You didn't bring it here?

You should've seen him
when it jumped out.

He screamed like a little girl.

Of course he did.

You don't laugh at a man
for screaming at a chicken.

They're prehistoric, for God's sake!

Why would Transcor do such a thing?

Transcor?

You got tangled up with them?

They once had a hand in everything.

Drug, cement, wigs.

Then they moved into chicken,
that's where the real money is.

More than drugs?

Think about it.
You can't turn heroin into a nugget.

Everybody eats chicken.

Some like me for revenge.

Stay out of it,
or you'd get dead quick.

Dead?

So you're saying
he should wear a mustache?

Wouldn't hurt.

Great, now I'm all creeped out
and I'm way late for Jenny's barbecue.

Why did we even go to Lew?
Half of what he says is crazy.

- Unless it's not.
- Please.

A murderous chicken cartel?
That doesn't exist.

- Unless it does.
- Stop doing that.

That black Cadillac
will not get off my keister.

What?

I think we're being followed.

What are you doing?

I'm not gonna just lead them
right to my house.

They're still following us.

- I don't think I can lose them.
- Because you keep signaling.

You were so scared back there.

You were like, "They're following us,
Simon, please hold me!"

Oh, my God!
It's the same car.

Got to get back to see
if Jenny's alright.

Oh, God!

Come on, Simon!

Jenny, is everything okay?

- Hi, Andy! The party's going great.
- It is?

And the craziest thing happened.

The caterer said that their distributer
ran out of hot dogs and hamburgers,

so they sent over chicken instead.
No extra charge.

Well, that was nice--

Chicken? No extra charge?

- Nobody eat the chicken!
- What are you doing?

The chicken is poisoned!

Don't breathe!

It can be airborne.

The chicken is fine.

We've been eating it for hours.
Stop him!

What about that black Cadillac
out front? It followed us here.

It's Cookie's car, she's my new boss.
She's right over... there.

Drop it!
Drop that chicken!

Bye, Cookie!

Honey, once again, I am so sorry
that I ruined your barbecue.

It's just this case I'm working on...

You know what you're working on?
My last nerve.

Whatever that means.

I'm feeling angry.

Well, I guess Lew just got into my head,
and I got paranoid.

Andy, look!

THE CHICKEN WASN'T POISONED
BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN.

Oh, my God. Lew is right!

Transcor, they're everywhere.

All right, from now on,
no more chicken, cement or wigs.

I should have never dragged us
into this,

I'll have to tell Wally
to get somebody else.

What?

Those animals are putting
threatening notes into our mail duck

and you're just gonna cut and run?

- But these are dangerous animals.
- I don't care.

They made this personal.

Plus, you were trying
to help your friend.

I don't know if Wally's a friend.

Half the time, I don't even understand
what he's saying.

Andrew, he needs you.

What's the poor man going to do
without decent poultry?

Here, Mister Chicken.

Where do I start? I don't have a lead.
What's my way in?

If I know Andy Barker,
you'll find a way in.

Through Willy.

It's Wally.

He should change that,
he's an American now.

Coming, Molly!

Oh, Mother Hubbard.

Wait a minute...

Inspected by 78, 78, 78.
Do you see a pattern?

You keep saying 78 the same way.

What are you knobs doing?

We checked the dumpsters
behind some of the restaurants

that are getting their bad chicken
from Transcor.

Transcor? I told you not to mess
with them, they're too powerful.

Yeah, but I have a plan.
See,

all the batches of bad chicken have been
rubberstamped by the same inspector.

So they're buying the guy off.

If we can't get them
for shaking people down,

we can nail them
for bribing a federal official.

We need to find inspector 78.

I know this sweet little felly
named Dolores Freeman,

work some personnel at the Federal Office
downtown.

With her in my pocket,
* took her to Havana and gave her the time.

I'm looking for a hot number
named Dolores Freeman.

Tell her Lew's here.

Tell her yourself,
we got a wedgy board.

She's dead?

Anything I can do for you?

- You like Havana?
- What?

Hi, we just need to know
where we can find

agriculture department inspector
number 78.

I'm not authorized
to give that information.

- Here's your permission slip.
- Oh, God!

I don't know the name
of any of the inspectors.

Who does?

District director Tom Larivee.
He is tan. He wears glasses.

He has hair. He has head hair.
Salt and pepper head hair.

He lives down at the marina.

Thanks for your help.

So long, sweetheart.

Somewhere in hell, somebody's putting
the wood to a quality broad.

Look over there.

I bet that's him.

I'll grab his nuts.

No, nobody's grabbing anything.
I'll go by myself this time.

Looks like we may be here a while.
Might as well get comfortable.

You accidentally locked me out!

M. Larivee?

Can I help you?

I'm Andy Barker.
I'm a private I/accountant combination,

- I've got a few questions for you.
- Sure.

I know this will come as a shock,

but I have a suspicion that
one of your inspectors, the number 78,

is guilty of accepting bribes.

Really?
That's awful.

Can we discuss this on my boat?

Sure.

Of course, I will help in any way I can,

but boy, it's hard to imagine
one of my guys taking bribes.

I imagine it is.

It's quite a collection
you've got there.

Thank you.

That's the actual gun Aaron Burr used
to duel Alexander Hamilton.

- Really?
- It was a gift from my mother

when I first joined
the agriculture department.

And she gave me this little sloop
when I made district manager.

I see.

So then, this is all family money.

It is.

And you inspect chicken
for pleasure, then?

I like to use my privilege
to give back to society.

You know, M. Larivee,
I don't mean any disrespect,

but that's pretty hard to believe.

Although I could be convinced.

- Thanks for the coffee.
- You're welcome, Lew.

Guess you didn't need to bring sugar,
you've got plenty in your shoes.

Check it out.

Either they're going to a costume party

or Andy asked Daniel Boone
the wrong question.

- We gotta call the Police.
- No Police.

- What the...
- They just screw everything up.

Lew, are you insane?

Look at you.

A federal employee
betraying his fiduciary responsibility.

Don't be so high and mighty.

Do you know what I have to do
to inspect a chicken?

It's disgusting.

they give birth and defecate
through the same hole.

It's called the cloaca
and it smells like this!

Now get in my Bentley and shut up!

Isn't the hostage suppose to drive?

Nobody but me drives Lady Gabrielle.

Lew, follow them.

Good tip, Simone.
I might've just driven into the harbor.

Hang on.

Come on!

Up there.

What did they bring him here?

It's a chicken plant.

Maybe we should call the cops.

What?
But you said you didn't want...

Lew? Are you scared of chickens?

Yes, you are!

Maybe I am.
You should be too.

They can live without a head.

Big man talking tough.

Calling me lady names.

At least, I'm not scared
of an itty bitty bird.

- What did you bring him for?
- He knows too much.

- He's under the whole scam.
- Then we'll have to kill him.

Or I could sign
a non-disclosure agreement.

They're binding in court and they'd
leave you less vulnerable to litigation.

Shoot him.

Why do I have to kill him?

We've been paying you off
for a long time,

go ahead and earn your keep.

Wait!

I could be so much more
valuable to you alive.

As a qualified CPA...

I have the finest financial advisors
money can buy.

- I don't need a bookkeeper.
- Bookkeeper?

Shoot him!

- What the hell?
- It's Aaron Burr's.

It hasn't been cleaned in 200 years.

Go that way!

Just a minute;

What the hell?

Give me a break,
it's a fine collectible.

- They're shooting.
- Don't worry about them.

- The cops will be here any minute.
- They could be killing him.

Going somewhere, Barry?

I'm guessing that laser dot means
that's not an antique.

- What do we do now?
- I'll create a diversion.

Oh, God!
Son of a...

- That works.
- Come on!

Go ahead!
I'll hold them off!

For God's sake!

Lew, come on!

Hey, remember me?

I'm Lew Staziak,
and I'm all grown up now.

Go, go.
Come on.

You'll be safe in here.

SLAUGHTER ROOM 5

Hold on!

It's the end of the line, fellows.

You shouldn't have tried
to mess with Transcor.

Hey, fellows.
How's it going?

Freeze!
Hands where we can see them!

This is your quarterly tax return.

Just sign and initial
where I've indicated, there.

It's my wife.

Hi, hon. I'm a little late.
I had a walk-in client...

Mr. Jim "Don't call me James" Wexler.

Yeah, we should be done here
in just a sec

and then I'll be home pronto.

Actually, honey,

I might be a little late.