All language subtitles for The.Job.Lot.S03E01_English

[techno music]

[Karl groans]

[Karl] Mm-hm.

-[Karl] Oops.
-[Natalie] Karl, seriously, not again.

Sorry, I can't help it.
I saw some bra strap.

Make it go down, we're at work.

It's an erection, Natalie,
it doesn't listen to reason.

Morning.

-Morning.
-Morning.

It won't go away.

-Tap it on the end.
-[Karl stutters] What?

People stir their tea with that.

Uh, new jacket, Trish?

Oh no. Just "zush" it up.
Some new shoulder pads.

-Ooh, Karl, can you help me with this?
-Uh, yep.

You all right there, Karl?

[clears his throat] No, it's very stiff.

Oh, ridiculously stiff.

I mean, what do you do
if you've got arthritis?

Oh, don't yank it too hard, Karl,
you'll make a big, milky mess.

[forcefully opens milk]

Right. Come on you two,
choppity chop. People to sign on.

-Uh...
-Now, please.

Uhm, Trish, do you remember
when you had that ear infection?

I think I might be coming down with one.
What were the symptoms again?

Weeping puss everywhere.
It was like a kind of a waxy fondue

just dribbling from my ear.

I woke up every morning
with crusty pillows.

[Trish] Ah...

-And we're done.
-[Natalie] Mmm.

["Work" playing]

Where's the evidence that you've been
actively seeking employment?

It's there,
you've just dropped tuna all over it.

Then I can't accept it.

It's covered in brine.

[phones ringing]

[female employee]
Good morning. Brownall Job Centre.

[cat meows]

It's only me.

Here you are. Brunch.

[cat meows]

-Pardon?
-[cat meows]

I love you, too.

-[Trish mumbles]
-Trish, can you--

-[Natalie laughs] Oh, more milk?
-Mmm.

Oh.

I'm trying to combat osteoporosis.

I've got unusually small bones,
I mean, I'm built like a blue tit.

Sorry, I'm lost.

Oh. I am entering the menopause, Natalie.

There are no more eggs in my basket.
Mother Nature's just giving up on me.

The bitch is leaving me high
and, quite literally, dry.

[Angela] Oh. Here.
I've brought these in for you.

There's tampons, towels, panty-liners.

There's even a moon cup.

Okay.

Oh, don't worry it's been
through the dishwasher.

I've got no need for it now.

Unless it's not the menopause.

What?

Well, you couldn't be pregnant, could you?

No, no. [laughs]

No, no, no.

Actually, yes.

Yes. Shit yes, I could be.

Oh my God. Who have you had sex with?

-A chap I met online.
-Dating website?

eBay. I went around
to pick up a Welsh Dresser,

and he answered the door in a robe,
at two in the afternoon.

-You know what that means.
-Depression?

No, sex.

Although he did cry afterwards.

[chuckles]

-Did you give him a bad rating?
-Yes, the listing said as-new,

but when I got it home,
one of the doors fell off.

[Trish] Oh God, Natalie,

I could be pregnant by a rogue trader.

I'm sending you on unpaid work experience.

[Delmar] I'm 56.

And this is the company
that's just made me redundant.

The placement matches your skill set.

-Of course it does. It's my old job.
-You'll know what you're doing then.

-[cat meows]
-Thought he'd never go.

-[cat meows]
-Yes, he was, but there's no need

-for language like that.
-[cat meows]

[Paul] Had enough already, Nat?
It's only half nine.

I'm just popping out for five minutes.

-[Karl] Where you going?
-Wouldn't you like to know.

-Yeah. So where are you going?
-I'm not telling you.

Have you got another fella?

-Are you getting me a present?
-Maybe.

[Janette] Is that: maybe
you've got another fella,

-or maybe you're getting Karl a present?
-What is it?

-I'm not getting you a present.
-[Paul] Is it a cordless power drill?

Why would I buy Karl
a cordless power drill?

Get him one of them funny oven gloves
that looks like a claw.

No. No man wants one of them.

Hey, I bought you one of them
last Christmas.

You were my Secret Santa?

Honestly, Janette, next year
I'll just have the fiver.

-It's not socks, is it?
-I'm not getting you a present, Karl.

[scoffs]

She is so getting me a present.

[techno music]

[Trish sighs] How much do I owe you?

-Eight pounds.
-Eight pounds?

They always get you
when you're vulnerable.

I know, thrush cream's a tenner.

[Trish] Well, take it from petty cash.

Okay. Uh, well, it's one line
if you're not pregnant.

-And if you are?
-Skull and cross bones.

No, it's two lines if you are.

I can't be a mother, Natalie.
I haven't got a maternal bone in my body.

I make children cry.

-No, you don't.
-It's my hair.

Children and the elderly find it
disconcerting. It's the static.

But your own child would see beyond that.

You can't underestimate the bond
between mother and baby.

No, I can. I can't bear the thought
of something growing inside me, like a...

like a tape worm. Feeding off of me
for nine months,

and then I'm expected to love it.
I can't love a tape worm, Natalie.

-But it'd be your tape worm.
-No. I'm not doing it.

-But you need to know.
-I don't want to.

-You have to.
-You do it.

-That doesn't make--
-I know. I'm hysterical!

Okay. Uh, okay. I'll just...

-hang onto it for now, shall I?
-Yep.

["Work" playing]

[background chatter]

[phone ringing]

What you doing?

Oh. Finding my present.

Oh, nice.

-You've changed.
-Want some?

-It smells like cherry Bakewell's.
-No, I do not.

[Karl] Natalie says your hands
show the first signs of ageing.

Go on, then.

Oh, now that is very hydrating.

Oh yeah. That's just one of the perks
of having a girlfriend.

Is that the result of another?

-Is that what I think it is?
-Congratulations, I'll get the cigars.

No, no, no.

But this isn't planned.

[Paul] Either way, you've got her
"locked in" for the next 18 years.

Smart move for a lad with your face.

We've only been going out three months.

I don't know anything about her. I d--

-I don't even know her bra size.
-32C.

It's a gift.

[techno music]

[Angela whistles] Come on. Where are you?

[Angela] Oh, don't be like this.

[whistling]

What?

Get down, Natalie.

-There's a mouse on the floor.
-What the--

I can see its tail. Kill it, Karl!

-Maybe I should get Janette.
-Oh, for God's sake.

Alright.

Alright.

God.

[Karl winces]
No, it's not a mouse. It's...

It's half a mouse.
Something's eaten his head. Oh, God!

Oh! Its insides are on the outside.

Is it dead?

I can see its lungs.

Come here.

[chimes]

[Karl groans]

Karl?

I know what you're gonna say.

We need to get rid of it.

-Get rid of it?
-Yeah.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Natalie,
we haven't even discussed this.

-What is there to discuss?
-I might want to keep it.

It's half a dead mouse, Karl.

What do you wanna do,
turn it into a keyring?

Ah!

I'd better get Janette.

-Uh, where's Janette?
-Natalie broken the news yet?

-No. She hasn't mentioned it.
-[Paul inhales sharply]

-What does that mean?
-Nothing. Just breathing.

That wasn't just breathing.
That was breathing with intent.

It's just... It's a bit odd
she hasn't mentioned it.

Maybe she thinks you're not dad material.

-Who's not dad material?
-Karl. Natalie's up the duff.

-Oh, shush.
-[Janette] She never is?

Janette, can you go
to the kitchen, please,

and deal with a dead mouse?
I don't want to touch it.

-Oh, congratulations to you both.
-Oh, no. Shh.

Natalie doesn't know yet.

She doesn't know she's pregnant?

-[clicks tongue]
-[grunts]

No, she doesn't know
that I know she's pregnant.

Well, how did you find out?

He found a test in her drawer.

And she hasn't told him?

[inhales sharply]

Will you two stop breathing?

She'll tell you in her own time, love.

Or maybe she's after someone
who's a bit better at...

well, just better.

Yeah, someone better.

Someone who can be a good dad.

Someone who can handle
the responsibility of parenthood.

I can handle the responsibility.

Karl, love, you can't even handle
a dead mouse.

This is fresh.

If you're hungry,
there's biscuits in the drawer.

Angela, what are you doing?

-I've lost my Muff.
-Your muff?

My Muff, my cat.

I've had to bring her to work,
because she's pregnant.

You can't bring a cat to work.
You're not Postman Pat.

[cat meows]

There you are. Aw.

Never leave me again.

-[cat meows]
-You need the toilet?

Are the kittens pressing on your bladder?

Shove it outside.

She is not going outside.

She is a pedigree.

-Come on, Muff.
-[Janette] Angela...

you do know that Muff
is another name for...

you know...

your fanny.

Yes.

[mellow electronica]

[baby fussing]

[Trish clears her throat]

Oh, sweet.

[Bryony] Oh God, not again.

Shit, cry, shit, cry.

Change the record, Martin.

Um...

actually, Karl, we might be hearing
the pitter-patter of more tiny feet soon.

-[baby fussing]
-I know.

Oh. What, Natalie told you?

Hmm. Well, sort of.

-What do you think about it?
-I don't know, it's such a shock.

I mean, I'd be worried about it
growing up without a father.

Why would you say that?

I will be there for that baby,
110 percent.

Really?

Karl, that's... that's amazing.

You'd help bring the baby up?

Yeah. Of course I would.

No child should grow up without a father.

[stutters] What about living arrangements?

Well, we'd move in together...

I suppose.

I don't know what to say.

[Trish] Karl Lyndhurst...

[Karl grunts]

You are a beautiful person.

[cat meows]

Why can't you go?

Oh! Of course, your fear of open water.

Here you are, try this.

[mellow techno music]

[Angela] Them kittens will be here soon.

[Angela] Nearly there. Good girl.

Get it all out.

-You all right in there, Angela?
-Fine.

[toilet flushes]

I've got a bashful bladder.

[cat meows]

-Good luck.
-I don't need luck, Natalie.

I'm weeing on a stick,
not taking a driving test.

So there's no way I can go
to the job interview this afternoon.

Obvious.

-Is he yours?
-No, I did swaps for a pair of trainers.

Joke. He's my uncle, Martin.

Oh. You mean,
he's your uncle Martin's baby?

No, he's my uncle, Martin.
He's my nan's baby.

-Your nan's?
-She's fit.

[Karl] So... What do babies eat?

-Chips and curry sauce?
-Really?

No, he's a baby, he drinks milk.

Well, I'm not stupid, Bryony. I know
babies drink milk, but what do they eat?

-Tit.
-All right.

Just asking.

[buzzing]

It's one line. It's, uh, negative.

Okay, well, that's good.
At least you know.

Oh, it's fine. And to be honest,
it's a relief, Natalie.

You know, I am CSOM
of a very busy job centre.

I can't go gallivanting round,
you know, having children.

Oh, God!

I really want a baby.

I didn't even think I wanted one until...

I thought I could have one, and then
suddenly I just really wanted one.

I'm like that with pudding.

[sniffling loudly]

Oh, sorry. I've left a little snail trail
on your jacket.

[sniffles]

Well...

-I'll get you some tissues.
-[sniffling] Yeah.

[Natalie] You know, having kids
isn't all it's cracked up to be.

When my sister had hers,
it literally split her in half.

[Natalie] But...

but when the stitches healed,
she was straight back to normal.

Better than normal, neater,
if anything, she said.

Trish, there's two lines.

-What?
-There's two lines in the box.

You can't have left it long enough.

Trish, you're pregnant.

Oh my God, really?

[both laugh]

Oh gosh, think I'm a bit dehydrated.

[folk guitar music]

-[music warps]
-[baby fussing]

Oh Bryony, he's beautiful.

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

Oh. Forward. Firm handshake.

[Karl] Bryony, why don't you
go to your interview...

and let me babysit.

I'm not leaving
baby uncle Martin with you.

-Well, leave him with me.
-Can't leave him with strangers.

[Karl] Strangers?

You've been coming here
every fortnight for the last six years.

I see you more than I see my own family.

Fine. Have him.

His stuff's all in there
and he needs changing,

because he's done two shits. See ya!

-You sure you're all right with him?
-Yeah, I'm fine.

Bryony's left me in charge.

[stutters] Why don't I just take
him for a bit?

-No, because he wants to stay with me.
-But I want to look after him.

-Karl!
-Come on.

Oh, for heaven sake, Karl.
We can't have a tug-off over a baby.

I mean, I'm not complaining,
you know, it's a great job,

good salary, generous pension.
You should consider it.

Oh, you tired? Yeah, I know what you mean.

I don't sleep like I used to,
not since the divorce.

Little management tip for you, Martin.
Never marry a fireman.

Unless, of course,
you fall in love with one.

I mean, you can marry
who you like these days, can't you?

Men and women,
women and women, men and men.

Chap in America married his horse.

Oh. Oh no, no, no. Oh dear,
what's wrong? Headache?

Gout?

Are you hungry?
I don't know if I've got anything for you.

[techno music]

Okay. Come on then.

-[Martin cries]
-Oh.

There we are.

Could I have him for a bit now, please?

Um. Yeah, uh... that's fine.

[Trish] You can take him.

I'm very busy anyway, so...

All the best then, Martin,
it was, uh, lovely to meet you.

[Karl] How's the job hunting going?

[Mr. Coleman] Well, I've heard nothing
from Claire's Accessories,

so I'm assuming that's a no.

-Looks just like you.
-Hmm? Oh. No, it's...

-not my baby. Don't ask.
-Really?

-You're a natural.
-Am I?

[Mr. Coleman] I've got six kids, mate.
I know what I'm talking about.

That's why I need a job...

to get me out the bloody house.

-[baby crying]
-[Karl] Oh! Oh.

Oh, don't cry baby Martin. Don't cry.

Oh, yeah.

Woosh.

-What are you doing?
-Recreating the womb.

It comforts baby and aids restfulness.

-Karl, you're being--
-Responsible?

Yeah. Like any real man would be
if he had a precious child to care for.

-I didn't think you were that into kids.
-What?

I love them.

I'd have a kid today if I could.
Oh, well, you know in nine months,

-and that would be fine.
-Really?

Yeah.

I'm ready to be a father.
I'm ready to be a father...

right now. Bring it on. Let's have loads.

Come on. Three, four, five.

-Why stop at five?
-All right. Ten.

[Karl] One a year for the next ten years.
You'll be pregnant for a decade.

-Great.
-We'll have a house like Fagin's den...

just cleaner.

Look, it's got a little penguin on it.

You don't want that, do you, Martin?

You want a real animal,
like a wolf or a Komodo dragon.

Not a flightless bird.

It's not for him,
it's for Natalie's littlest.

-Just popping out to the doctor's.
-[whispers] Everything all right?

[Trish] Oh,
I'm positively blooming, Janette.

Oh, that's very nice, very smart.

Is that yours, Martin?
You didn't mention it.

-No, it's for Natalie.
-I've already said it won't fit her.

It's not for Natalie.
It's for Karl and Natalie's babbie.

What? Natalie Mason?

Okay, Karl.
Oh, I can't believe I'm saying this.

Honestly, it's fine.
I've been expecting it all day.

I'll never get used to doing this.

I've done it with everyone
I've been out with.

Really? Oh my God.

This isn't gonna work.

What? What's isn't gonna work?

Look, yeah, I know I wasn't amazing
with baby uncle Martin,

but, you know, I didn't drop him.

[Trish] Natalie Mason,
you pregnancy stealing bitch!

-What?
-I've been with you all day

-and you didn't think to mention it?
-She didn't tell me either.

Oh, and you'll be so much better
at being pregnant than me, won't you,

because you're so much younger than me
and so much fitter then me,

and you'll snap straight back into shape
after the birth,

because your fandango is made of elastic!

I hope you get stretch marks.

What the hell was that about?
I'm not pregnant.

-[stutters] You're not pregnant?
-No.

-Well, then, why are you dumping me?
-You were pretending to be a womb.

Because I thought you were pregnant.

[shouting]
Why does everyone think I'm pregnant?

Well, I found a pregnancy test
in your drawer.

What were you doing in my drawer?

-Looking for my present.
-[Natalie sighs]

I didn't buy you a fucking present!

We need hot water and paper towels,
Angela's cat's having kittens!

-[cat meows]
-[Angela exhales heavily]

Remember your breathing, yeah?

Get ready to push. Oh, here comes another.

-[cat squeals]
-[Angela breaths heavily]

What's going on?

Why is there a cat shitting wet hamsters
in my baby Uncle Martin's pram?

[Angela] Her contractions started.

I needed to put Muff
somewhere she felt safe.

Muff? Piss off!

Have you got a dog
called bell-end as well?

Trish, you okay? Where have you been?

The doctor's. For a proper pregnancy test.

So, you're pregnant?

No I'm not. Again.

False positives
happen all the time, apparently.

Sorry I, um...
called you a bitch, Natalie.

-My hormones are all over the place.
-But you're not pregnant. So...

Well, then I'm just sorry.

[Natalie] Just so you know,
I'm not pregnant, either.

It was all a big misunderstanding.

You know, I loved being pregnant,
I mean, even though I wasn't.

So, Trish is on a mission,
a Trish Mission, a "Trission".

[Trish] I have to be a mother, Natalie.

I feel the need, the need to breed.

[kittens meowing]

Why are there cats in my job centre?

[kittens meowing]

-You taking them home, Angela?
-No.

-Where are you taking them?
-The canal. They're mongrels.

Muff was violated by a dirty Tom.

[Trish] As I live and breathe,
Angela Bromford,

put that box of kittens down now.

[mellow techno music]

Fine.

[Angela] Have them.
Just don't let them mate.

[insistent meowing]

-[Angela] Come on, Muff.
-[cat meows]

["Work" playing]