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1
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,088
Who wanted cheese? Joe. Rem Dogg.
2
00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:49,798
- No Nutella?
- No Nutella.
3
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,717
Right, bacon?
4
00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:55,304
I'm gonna cry.
Justin Bieber signed the visitors' book.
5
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:01,518
Class K, if you don't shut up, you can
wave goodbye to the Heineken factory.
6
00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:05,647
- Was she like Bridget Jones?
- No, she was persecuted by the Nazis.
7
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,775
Here you go, Downton Abbey.
8
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,946
Cleo, check it out. I just put some
magic mushrooms in Mr Wickers' crepe.
9
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:14,114
Move, man.
10
00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:16,575
- FML, this line is not cute.
- Queue jump?
11
00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:19,745
Rem Dogg, we're not using your wheelchair
12
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,624
to queue barge Hasidic Jews
into an Anne Frank exhibition.
13
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,713
Sorry.
14
00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:32,049
Look more ill.
15
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:41,433
Now, guys, before we go in, please for
once can you just be respectful.
16
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,819
Jing...
I've found Anne.
17
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:01,829
That's a waxwork model.
18
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,502
Sir?
19
00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:13,090
Sir?
20
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,218
Are you okay?
21
00:02:18,304 --> 00:02:22,349
Hush, Po, Anne's trying to speak.
22
00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:34,319
She wants to go home.
23
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:46,248
Call the Police!
Stop!
24
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:25,180
We're gonna make it.
25
00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:03,051
Susan, I think I discussed this
in the last meeting.
26
00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:06,972
We are all a little uncomfortable
being called to order by a rape alarm.
27
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:11,143
Our children are not going
on another school trip with that clown.
28
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:16,023
Mr Wickers assures me that this field trip
is of great academic value.
29
00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:18,066
They're going to Las Vegas!
30
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,487
- Great for their maths.
- And French.
31
00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,991
- They're seeing Celine Dion.
- We are all sick of that buffoon
32
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,743
being protected by his father...
33
00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:29,703
Or so his mother assured me.
34
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:32,289
- ...his sexual playmate...
- Odd choice of words.
35
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,250
- ...and the headmaster.
- His wingman. Home slice.
36
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:38,253
- Brother from another mother.
- A joke!
37
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:40,464
Look, he isn't perfect, but...
38
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,218
...Alfie Wickers is a
truly wonderful teacher.
39
00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:48,638
Class K forever, yeah?
40
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,098
It's so cute.
41
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:54,519
If you do a cock and balls,
I'll never buy you cigarettes ever again.
42
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:57,064
Have you got any idea
how much this is gonna hurt?
43
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:02,819
Pain is temporary, Joe. Being an
absolute badass lasts forever. Ink me.
44
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,086
- Are you sure you're good to carry on?
- Yeah.
45
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:24,007
I've got it.
46
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,010
Why don't we give Alfie the chance
to defend himself?
47
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,388
We could pay him
a visit right now.
48
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:33,475
What a terrific idea.
49
00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:37,312
So, we were looking at the First War
of Scottish Independence.
50
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,856
And you know what that means.
51
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,234
It's Class Wars!
52
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:51,201
So, it is the siege of Stirling Castle!
53
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:54,037
- 20th of July, 1304.
- Nice, mate.
54
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:57,082
And what tactic did the English use
to defeat the Scots?
55
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,292
Military blockade.
They cut off their enemy's supply lines.
56
00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:04,172
Correct. So, during break,
I went through your bags blockading you.
57
00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:07,217
- I cut off your water, your food...
- My Pepperami!
58
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,845
- And your communication.
- Sneaky bitch!
59
00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:14,057
Giving you no option but to lay down
your weapons and surrender.
60
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,652
Where's Gagarin?
61
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,239
Freedom!
62
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,167
Mum!
63
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,420
This is a place of learning, Mr Wickers.
64
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:47,257
- Not Takeshi's Castle.
- Oh, great reference.
65
00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:50,719
- But, Mum, we are learning.
- Joseph, stop defending him.
66
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:52,888
He's the biggest child in the school.
67
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:57,184
Oh, for God's sake,
how do you switch this thing off?
68
00:07:57,643 --> 00:08:00,770
- Um, Susan...
- Don't 'Susan' me! Thank you.
69
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:03,857
There's got to be a switch somewhere.
Ah, here we are.
70
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,639
Just like that hamster,
you're up to your neck in it.
71
00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:39,851
So, I'm sorry, Alfredo, the parents just
won't pay for the Vegas trip.
72
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:43,605
We'll do a fundraiser. Or wait,
doesn't the school have a travel bursary?
73
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,358
Had a travel bursary.
74
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:50,153
A few years back, I invested
that particular nest egg in art.
75
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,531
Well, great.
Art famously goes up in value.
76
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,416
- They're literally worthless.
- Fine. Then I'll pay.
77
00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:07,462
Seriously, take it out of my salary.
My kids deserve that trip.
78
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:11,341
You're gonna pay for your class to fly an
11,000 mile roundtrip
79
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:14,386
to spend a week in Las Vegas?
80
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:18,974
Who wants to go to Cornwall?
81
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,727
- What the hell is Cornwall?
- It's a county, Chantelle.
82
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,272
- But it's abroad, right?
- No. A county in England.
83
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,774
Rolling hills, smugglers' coves...
84
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:33,321
I ain't travelling 6 hours to stand
in a field watching some bait farmer
85
00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:35,198
wank off sheeps into a bucket.
86
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,450
An agricultural practice I'm unaware of.
87
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:40,662
We have to go on a post-exam trip.
It's a rite of passage.
88
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,206
Did you go on one, sir, after your GCSEs?
89
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,125
Yeah. Shagaluf with the lads.
90
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,503
I'm sworn to secrecy but I'm sure
you can guess what we got up to.
91
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:51,831
You sat in a villa with the Bullingdon
Club lugeing port off each other's dicks.
92
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:56,386
Cornwall is gonna be insane.
And get this...
93
00:09:56,554 --> 00:10:00,390
my best friend from school, Atticus Hoye,
is throwing a house party down there.
94
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:03,977
I'm talking pop up tiki bar,
fairground rides...
95
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,895
...a frickin' Nando's van.
96
00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:07,063
Yes!
97
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,441
Atticus? Man, you're posh.
98
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,527
How is that posh?
He's just my old fencing buddy.
99
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,988
- Did you cross swords with him, sir?
- Hell, yeah.
100
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:19,075
I buried my tip into him more times
than I... I see what you've done there.
101
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,914
I hope you all have a great time.
Wish I could come.
102
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,085
Don't be silly, you are coming.
It's not Class K without the big man.
103
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:31,880
Mum will never let me go to Cornwall,
or on a house party.
104
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:34,049
She's not gonna know, thanks to this.
105
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:38,178
A fake itinerary I have devised full of
lame school trippy shit.
106
00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:46,853
The Eden Project, some castles,
a nunnery.
107
00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,521
It's gonna be fine.
108
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:52,901
Well, I've printed out parent contact
details, a list of local hospitals...
109
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:56,571
...and some articles on the complex
political developments in the region.
110
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:58,239
It's Cornwall, not Syria.
111
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:02,285
And if you're worried about your drink
getting spiked, use one of these.
112
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:05,997
Very clever. I see.
Pop it up the chuffer, do you?
113
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:09,501
Board up the tradesman's entrance.
Keep out any randy Corns.
114
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,713
- It goes on top of a bottle.
- That makes more sense.
115
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:16,675
If this trip goes wrong,
I won't be there to protect you.
116
00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,594
Rosie, believe it or not, I am a grown man
117
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,681
and I am perfectly capable
of looking after myself.
118
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:24,766
- Lunchbox.
- You put in Dunkers.
119
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,476
Yep.
120
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:28,103
Bye.
121
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,612
Konichiwa.
122
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,702
Now do be careful, compadre.
And remember, this is not a stag do.
123
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,121
Oi, willy wanker. One for the road?
124
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:48,623
Look, sir.
125
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,542
Oh, dear.
126
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,170
Oh, shit.
127
00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:57,132
Right, guys, remember,
what happens on tour, stays on tour.
128
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,342
Don't touch me. Let's go.
129
00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:04,264
- Lads, lads...
- Eeuw, it smells of wee.
130
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,854
Susan, why do you got luggage?
This isn't the UKIP battle bus.
131
00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:13,022
Joe is only going if I come too.
132
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,443
Right. Is this some kind of sick joke?
Fraser?
133
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,070
Fraser?
134
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:22,657
No. No way. This is not happening.
135
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,705
She is not coming with us. This is
a school trip, not a bloody Saga tour.
136
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:29,080
The gloves are off. Glasses, on.
137
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:33,793
- What the hell are those?
- It's wearable tech.
138
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:37,255
I will use this device to record
your every move.
139
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:40,508
If you put one foot out of line...
140
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:45,221
...I will terminate this trip
with extreme prejudice!
141
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:48,725
Bullshit!
142
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:51,603
Stupid woman. Stupid bloody glasses.
143
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:58,318
Go Glasses, show me
traffic updates for the A303.
144
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:02,155
What are those glasses? Looks like
she'll give a TED talk on the menopause.
145
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:06,951
First stop on Mr Wickers'
fabulous itinerary. The Eden Project.
146
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,703
What?!
147
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:16,836
Over on my left,
we have the world's largest spade.
148
00:13:17,004 --> 00:13:18,755
Wow!
149
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:29,015
I can't believe we've driven
6 hours to see a garden centre.
150
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:33,728
- I think I've been bitten.
- Oi, mate, where's the skunk?
151
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:41,402
Dick!
No! Get off!
152
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,489
Watch it.
153
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:52,372
Hey! I wouldn't eat that.
Purging buckthorn, nature's laxative.
154
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,499
You'll have a storm blast
so hard out your bum
155
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,086
they'll be finding bodies up in the
trees for weeks.
156
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,509
Thank you God.
157
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,263
This trip was meant to be
about creating memories.
158
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:12,225
No-one's gonna look back: "Ooh, do you
remember the time we saw a big spade?".
159
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,358
Please!
160
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,613
- Please, Susan, for the love of God.
- Fine!
161
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:28,199
- Yes!
- But it will only end in tears.
162
00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:31,703
God, woman. It's just a zipwire.
163
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:35,540
Come on, sir.
164
00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,835
Oh God, this is high.
165
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:44,132
You'll be okay.
Just remember not to scream.
166
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:48,636
We had a guy once who choked
on his own tongue. Ready?
167
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,930
Oh God, I've changed my mind.
168
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,891
Get on with it, you tart!
169
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,730
Mitchell!
170
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:19,000
Sorry!
171
00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,887
Help, Susan.
Susan. Help.
172
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:33,681
Go Glasses, take photo.
173
00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:39,562
Send to group email marked 'the PTA'.
Subject heading: strike one.
174
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,691
My willy's gone inside me.
175
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:53,618
We have got to ditch the bitch.
176
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,833
Shitty shitty bang bang.
177
00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:05,838
Mrs Poulter,
are those glasses voice activated?
178
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,256
Yes, Mitchell.
179
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,510
- Go Glasses...
- Not when I'm driving.
180
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,428
...search 'two girls, one cup'.
181
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,138
Oh!
182
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,226
You revolting little boy, sit back down!
183
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,190
Penleven Castle was built by Henry VI.
184
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:27,610
And in the Cornish rebellion of 1497
185
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:32,240
the castle withstood a siege
for over 5 months.
186
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:35,410
- Mate, look, a witch.
- It's a nun, you tit.
187
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,881
Arnie, Dieter, Gunter, Helga,
Helma, Ulla und Rem Hund.
188
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:52,176
Any questions, my children?
189
00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:56,472
Who build that castle?
190
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,725
Does anyone have any questions?
191
00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,645
Well, come on. Anything?!
192
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:06,774
- Oh, dear.
- Where's the G-spot?
- Would you rather have no arms or no legs?
193
00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:09,782
- What's a haggis?
- Who would win in a fight,
Gandalf or Dwayne Johnson?
194
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,362
Obviously Gandalf. He's magic.
195
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:12,530
Stop!
196
00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:14,741
If a chicken had sex with a pig,
could it lay a Scotch egg?
197
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:16,748
- Do you get a boner when you drown?
- Correct.
198
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:18,590
Susie, have you ever heard of conditioner?
199
00:17:18,662 --> 00:17:20,705
I meant questions about the castle!
200
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:26,085
There seems to be a priest hole that
smugglers turned into a secret passageway.
201
00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:29,380
Can we see it as it sounds
mildly less shit than this church?
202
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,174
There's no smugglers' passageway.
203
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:35,470
There is. I read about it on the internet.
It goes down to the beach.
204
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:37,889
Sir wants to see your back passage.
205
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,724
Shut up, you little toad!
206
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,355
This is Cornwall's most sacred relic
207
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:50,485
brought back from the Crusades
and believed to possess
208
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:53,196
miraculous healing powers.
209
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:57,742
Behold, the prepuce of
Saint John the Baptist.
210
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,579
- What's a prepuce?
- A foreskin.
211
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,748
Eugh!
212
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:07,627
Eugh, they're praying
to a bit of old willy?
213
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:11,923
A 2,000 year old holy relic which
sheathed the Baptist's phallus.
214
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,516
Excuse me. Could you please
take me to the nearest WC?
215
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:25,478
- I'm required to remain in this room.
- Take me to a toilet!
216
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:29,357
- Well, we might hit up the cafe.
- No, you stay here.
217
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,652
This whole trip can't be dictated
by your bowel movements.
218
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,489
If you just sit here quietly
for 5 minutes, I will...
219
00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:39,700
- I'll let you have some free time.
- Deal!
220
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:41,953
Quickly, move out of the way!
221
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,039
Did you hear that, guys?
Free time means pub crawl.
222
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:49,836
All you've got to do
is behave for 5 minutes.
223
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:53,923
- Mitchell!
- I just wanted to make a wish.
224
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,175
It's not a fucking genie!
225
00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,680
Oh my God.
The foreskin, where is it?
226
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,890
Shit. Help, help.
227
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:04,934
Oh my God.
228
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,228
What's going on? I heard a crash.
229
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,609
Oh, dear.
230
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,444
- Where?
- Through here.
231
00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:19,157
Come on, boy. Come on, give it!
232
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,535
What are you doing to my dog?
233
00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,375
Much better.
234
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,339
- Quickly! Hurry!
- She's coming back!
235
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,509
Everybody freeze!
236
00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:43,556
Where is the prepuce? Hands where
I can see them! Need to search you all.
237
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:48,060
What's that in your hand, Mr Wickers?
Show me your hands!
238
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,981
Both of them!
239
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,859
Fuck.
240
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,452
Turn round now!
241
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,541
Would you care to explain
what the hell is going on?
242
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,378
Well, come on. Speak!
243
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,305
Hey, I got it.
244
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,312
See? Foreskin, innit.
245
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,565
Well, boy, what were you doing with it?
246
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:40,071
Little man wanted a miracle.
So he gave it a rub and now he can walk.
247
00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,925
When we getting lunch? Or are
you full after that ancient dick you ate?
248
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:05,930
- Where the hell are we?
- The fishing town of Port Jago.
249
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,557
Drink in that crisp sea air.
250
00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:11,686
- Smells of minge.
- Like you'd know.
251
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:16,524
- Is he related to Atticus?
- His dad. The local MP. Bit Marmite.
252
00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:19,860
- Do you think they've got a McDonald's?
- No, Joe, I don't.
253
00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:23,948
I think we're in a creepy little town
in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
254
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:26,367
That's a genuine sign.
255
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:30,746
Young lady, Cornwall is not
some mediaeval backwater.
256
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:33,666
It is a modern, cosmopolitan county
257
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:37,586
with both feet planted firmly
in the 21st century.
258
00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:39,005
Um, guys...
259
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,098
What the fuck?
260
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:54,061
This is the Port Jago Summer
Solstice parade. There's the hobby horse.
261
00:21:54,229 --> 00:21:56,814
Come do the bridal dance
with the horse, young virgin.
262
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,984
- Virgin? You're barking up
the wrong tree there.
- Shut up.
263
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:04,155
Shall we get going before the pantomime
horse knocks up one of the kids?
264
00:22:08,618 --> 00:22:11,620
Got nowt under Wickers, my lovely.
265
00:22:13,540 --> 00:22:17,668
I do have 8 rooms for the
Dusseldorf Academy der Kunste?
266
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:20,463
Yeah, that's us. Guten Tag.
267
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,341
Can we go on a helicopter tour?
268
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:27,345
No need. I've arranged a
very special treat for us tonight.
269
00:22:28,096 --> 00:22:31,098
We are on a VIP guest list
270
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:38,356
to visit the leader of the Cornish
rebellion, Michael An Gof's grave.
271
00:22:41,568 --> 00:22:44,403
That's a treat?
We're going to a graveyard?
272
00:22:44,821 --> 00:22:46,739
Right, what happened to our free time?
273
00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:50,659
You didn't seriously think I would
let you run amok in this town?
274
00:22:50,827 --> 00:22:53,037
Fine! You know what, you win.
275
00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:56,999
I admit, this trip is a write-off.
But I'm warning you, Susan,
276
00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:59,543
when they leave school,
I'm gonna take them on a holiday
277
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:05,007
so batshit mental - if it was a movie,
everyone would be played by Nicolas Cage.
278
00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:06,967
When they leave school?
279
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:10,054
Yes. When they leave school.
280
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,349
They haven't told you.
281
00:23:17,562 --> 00:23:19,522
Guys, what's going on?
282
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:23,526
We're leaving, sir.
Well, we've left.
283
00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:26,654
But... where?
284
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:30,658
- Beauty school. - Brit school.
- Anywhere that ain't school.
285
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:33,494
Joe?
286
00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:39,125
He is going to
a sixth form college.
287
00:23:39,292 --> 00:23:42,670
One as far away from you
as is humanly possible.
288
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,424
Chop-chop. Bus leaves in 5 minutes.
289
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,984
- Why didn't you tell me?
- We didn't wanna ruin your trip.
290
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:08,028
It's not my trip. It's our trip.
291
00:24:08,613 --> 00:24:11,657
You're right. And if this is
our last weekend together,
292
00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:14,910
do you wanna spend it sat here
sulking in this vile room?
293
00:24:15,078 --> 00:24:16,454
Don't let her win, sir.
294
00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:21,125
Yeah, you're right.
295
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:25,963
I took a 2,000 year old bit of dick
so that we could go to the pub
296
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:27,756
...and go to the pub we shall!
297
00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:29,467
Yes!
298
00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:31,510
How? She's got the exit covered.
299
00:24:37,934 --> 00:24:40,519
Who remembers studying
the siege of Troy?
300
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:43,772
- Who's Troy?
- I dunno, but he sounds fit.
301
00:25:17,098 --> 00:25:19,934
The rich get richer.
The cuts get deeper.
302
00:25:20,101 --> 00:25:23,562
Hospitals are closing yet
Michael Hoye, our MP,
303
00:25:23,730 --> 00:25:26,106
has enough loose change to buy this pub
tear it down
304
00:25:26,274 --> 00:25:29,527
and build a gastroabomination
for his toff chums.
305
00:25:29,694 --> 00:25:32,530
We been through the courts,
signed the petitions.
306
00:25:33,156 --> 00:25:36,242
Let's face it, Russell Brand
ain't coming to save us.
307
00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:38,494
The Cornish Liberation Army's
dead in the water.
308
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:41,121
We're the CLA. We don't give up.
309
00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:43,832
- Save it, Pasco. It's hopeless.
- Damn it, man.
310
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,585
Cornwall needs independence.
Listen to reason.
311
00:25:46,753 --> 00:25:50,339
Call that plan of yours reason?
It's a suicide mission.
312
00:25:50,507 --> 00:25:54,301
You'd need the stupidest, most gullible
half-wit on God's green earth to...
313
00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:56,220
Party time!
314
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:09,149
- Your shirt's inside out.
- Thanks.
315
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,362
Now, remember, we're just
your average group of local farmers.
316
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:17,074
- 8 Smirnoff Ices, babe.
- He means lager.
317
00:26:18,743 --> 00:26:22,788
We ain't London poofs.
We don't drink lager.
318
00:26:23,331 --> 00:26:25,541
Then I guess it's Pimm's O'Clock.
319
00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,545
You chaps lost?
320
00:26:33,049 --> 00:26:34,091
No.
321
00:26:34,259 --> 00:26:36,844
Oh, I think you are.
322
00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,723
Well I'll be damned.
323
00:26:41,641 --> 00:26:44,435
CLA man, are you?
324
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:49,398
Yes, I am.
325
00:26:49,816 --> 00:26:51,567
Yes, I bloody am.
326
00:26:51,735 --> 00:26:53,819
CLA till I die. We all are.
327
00:26:53,987 --> 00:26:57,740
Well then, a round of ales
for our brothers in arms!
328
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,749
Has anyone seen Keith's moustache?
329
00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,501
It's run away.
330
00:27:09,669 --> 00:27:12,713
- Does Port Jago have a gay scene?
- Well, there's gay Colin.
331
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:17,885
- Your gay scene's one gay man?
- Colin's not actually a queer.
332
00:27:18,053 --> 00:27:20,304
He asked for a spritzer in 1984.
333
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:26,852
Oh my God, this dicks all over Shagaluf.
334
00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:31,523
Mum's gonna find us here.
Can't we go to Atticus Hoye's house?
335
00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:35,027
It's not a hotel, Joe.
Can't just turn up when we want.
336
00:27:35,195 --> 00:27:37,029
The party's tomorrow.
337
00:27:37,906 --> 00:27:39,657
Mind if I take a pew?
338
00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:44,953
Barkeep, a pint of Betty Stogs
for my lover.
339
00:27:45,121 --> 00:27:46,705
Coming right up.
340
00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:55,464
Whoa, two steps back,
little Miss Marple. So...
341
00:27:55,632 --> 00:28:00,052
...these missing children are
on a school trip...
342
00:28:00,220 --> 00:28:04,515
...and they've disappeared
with their teacher. Is that it?
343
00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:11,188
Listen, pen-pusher.
If you do not assist me...
344
00:28:11,606 --> 00:28:17,152
I will hold you down whilst a negligence
tribunal straps on the rule book,
345
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,906
strips you naked, parts your buttocks
346
00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:25,202
and buggers you into
a dishonourable discharge.
347
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:34,378
Just... hold here...
can you hold your thing for a bit, please?
348
00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:37,131
- So you're an actual smuggler?
- Yes.
349
00:28:37,298 --> 00:28:41,510
Been Trevelyans smuggling since
the glory days of Prussia Cove
350
00:28:41,845 --> 00:28:45,389
and it ain't just cigars.
Booze, dirty playing cards...
351
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:48,058
marital aids of all shapes and tastes.
352
00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:53,856
I got a deal with a sex shop in Bodmin.
Filthy bastards in Bodmin.
353
00:28:54,023 --> 00:28:57,276
Sir, scary Cornish dude. Tits and teeth.
354
00:28:58,528 --> 00:29:00,112
Police! Hide!
355
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:08,579
- This door is just painted on the wall.
- Don't get many girls in here.
356
00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:26,680
Mr Trevelyan.
357
00:29:28,141 --> 00:29:29,683
How's tricks?
358
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:33,645
Keeping busy, officer.
Devil makes work for idle hands.
359
00:29:34,731 --> 00:29:36,774
I'm looking for 7 children.
360
00:29:37,442 --> 00:29:38,984
This look like a nursery?
361
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:51,997
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
It's an out-of-towner, is it?
362
00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:57,461
Oh, this lad's got Cornish blood
running through every vein.
363
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:00,839
Meet my bastard son.
364
00:30:01,591 --> 00:30:04,092
Conceived in a moment of passion
in a faraway port.
365
00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:10,098
I'm just having a few ales here
with me old pa.
366
00:30:11,267 --> 00:30:12,810
That port being...
367
00:30:14,437 --> 00:30:16,814
...Kingston, Jamaica.
368
00:30:21,694 --> 00:30:27,491
Me gotta love the durty wine.
But me also love a little bit of fudge.
369
00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:32,287
The pasty and the rice and ting.
370
00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:39,962
Well, they're not in the pub.
371
00:30:41,923 --> 00:30:44,299
If you want something done right...
372
00:30:47,804 --> 00:30:49,680
Fitty, 2 o'clock.
373
00:30:52,642 --> 00:30:53,892
The bar.
374
00:30:56,855 --> 00:30:58,981
He so checked me out.
375
00:30:59,148 --> 00:31:01,650
Is that Phoebe Kendall?
376
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,945
Oh my God, I sat next to her in class.
377
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,406
- Shotgun.
- No-one is shotgunning her.
378
00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:09,908
- She's not a passenger seat.
- Use it or lose it.
379
00:31:10,076 --> 00:31:13,662
I'm not gonna use it.
I'm going to go over and say hello to it.
380
00:31:13,830 --> 00:31:15,289
Her.
381
00:31:21,504 --> 00:31:23,589
Work it, sailor.
382
00:31:23,756 --> 00:31:25,299
Gotcha!
383
00:31:32,098 --> 00:31:34,349
Phoebe Kendall.
384
00:31:34,517 --> 00:31:36,935
Of all the gin joints in all the world...
385
00:31:56,039 --> 00:31:57,623
I'll get you another.
386
00:31:57,790 --> 00:32:00,375
- Do I know you?
- Alfie Wickers.
387
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,502
The Wickster.
388
00:32:03,796 --> 00:32:05,464
I had a panic attack at Prize Day.
389
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:08,342
You're the guy that chundered on
Sir Steve Redgrave.
390
00:32:08,509 --> 00:32:11,511
Collecting the fencing cup.
I like to finish that story on a high.
391
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,098
Yo, what's the deal with this guy?
392
00:32:16,100 --> 00:32:17,684
That would be Mick Gwynn.
393
00:32:17,852 --> 00:32:22,064
Says he'll buy a round for the man
who moves the blade quicker than he.
394
00:32:22,231 --> 00:32:24,399
Ain't got his wallet out for 30 year.
395
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:27,277
Oh, yeah?
396
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,239
- No, Alfie.
- Go on, sir.
397
00:32:32,158 --> 00:32:34,701
Yeah, go on, Albert.
398
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:45,087
Please, for once, listen to me.
This is a terrible error of judgment.
399
00:32:45,672 --> 00:32:48,465
Joe, it's an old confidence trick.
400
00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:52,386
The blade's plastic.
401
00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:58,558
This shit about to get cray.
402
00:32:59,185 --> 00:33:02,688
This shit about to get fifty
shades of cray.
403
00:33:06,317 --> 00:33:09,653
Yo, gay Colin, hustler
needs your bandana.
404
00:33:11,072 --> 00:33:12,781
It's blindfolding time.
405
00:33:57,452 --> 00:34:00,412
My hand, my hand!
406
00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:03,498
Don't worry, buddy,
it's just a little flesh wound.
407
00:34:06,210 --> 00:34:08,503
We need alcohol to sterilise it.
408
00:34:10,506 --> 00:34:11,715
Not Guinness!
409
00:34:35,615 --> 00:34:37,324
Susan!
410
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,623
Go upstairs and pack.
We leave at 7 a.m. sharp.
411
00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:46,875
- Hand in your telephones.
- You witch!
412
00:34:47,043 --> 00:34:48,210
Zip it, Dorothy!
413
00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:52,214
What am I gonna do
without my phone?
414
00:34:52,381 --> 00:34:54,508
Don't go on my Snapchat.
415
00:34:56,677 --> 00:34:58,845
There's no reception anyway.
416
00:34:59,013 --> 00:35:03,517
Indeed, Mr Wickers.
For you, a stay of execution.
417
00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:06,884
You know, instead of filming it, you could
have stopped your son getting stabbed.
418
00:35:07,772 --> 00:35:08,814
By me.
419
00:35:08,981 --> 00:35:10,607
But I didn't want to.
420
00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:14,736
After tonight, you will never teach again.
421
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:17,531
Why are you so desperate
to get me fired?
422
00:35:17,698 --> 00:35:20,700
Come, Mr Wickers, dream a little bigger.
423
00:35:20,868 --> 00:35:22,869
You're not a Bond villain.
424
00:35:23,037 --> 00:35:27,082
No, the real challenge was this,
how to destroy a friendship.
425
00:35:28,042 --> 00:35:29,918
How can you do this to Joe?
426
00:35:30,294 --> 00:35:35,382
Because it is my job to protect him,
whether he likes it or not.
427
00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:40,470
I'm not some emotional retard who's
so desperate to be liked...
428
00:35:40,638 --> 00:35:44,933
...that he manipulates children into
a pathetic imitation of friendship!
429
00:35:45,101 --> 00:35:48,562
Presumably because he has
no real friends of his own!
430
00:35:51,649 --> 00:35:55,986
I think it might be best if you go home
separately tomorrow, Mr Wickers.
431
00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:01,408
We don't want to prolong
the tearful goodbyes.
432
00:36:30,605 --> 00:36:33,064
Steady, lad. Careful with her now.
433
00:36:59,592 --> 00:37:02,844
Hey, buddy. Do you want some vodka?
434
00:37:07,308 --> 00:37:09,351
Really sorry for stabbing you.
435
00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:14,314
It's fine. I'll have a cool scar.
436
00:37:14,482 --> 00:37:16,149
I think I just freaked out a bit.
437
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:18,610
You guys leaving and...
438
00:37:18,778 --> 00:37:21,363
Look, I'm not definitely leaving.
439
00:37:21,530 --> 00:37:26,243
The sixth form college say I need Cs
in English, Maths and History, so...
440
00:37:26,410 --> 00:37:29,037
Well you might fail History. I taught you.
441
00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:35,335
I guess we've just gotta hope and pray
that you fuck that exam.
442
00:37:36,045 --> 00:37:37,754
Yeah, touch wood.
443
00:37:39,423 --> 00:37:43,426
Sorry my mum ruined the trip. Everyone
was so excited about the house party.
444
00:37:45,763 --> 00:37:47,639
About your mum.
445
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:52,769
What would you say to her being slipped
some crushed-up sleeping pills
446
00:37:52,937 --> 00:37:56,022
popped in a trunk, given to some smugglers
and dumped in France?
447
00:37:56,190 --> 00:37:58,817
No! Absolutely not.
448
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,695
You do realise she is my actual mother?
449
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:05,991
Joe, Joe, Joe...
450
00:38:06,158 --> 00:38:09,619
Do you really think
I would have told you all of this
451
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:12,372
if the wheels weren't already in motion?
452
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:21,047
Alfie, are you insane?
453
00:38:23,551 --> 00:38:28,388
She'll be fine. Pasco is gonna be
extra careful with her. He promised me.
454
00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:30,849
What? The guy you just met
promised you?
455
00:38:31,017 --> 00:38:34,686
She's filming everything on her glasses.
She'll destroy you.
456
00:38:36,355 --> 00:38:38,064
Now, let's get our story straight.
457
00:38:38,232 --> 00:38:41,651
I reckon the Suster lands up in France
after an all-night Shagathon
458
00:38:41,819 --> 00:38:45,113
with a really, really desperate fisherman.
Capiche?
459
00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:46,656
Unbelievable.
460
00:38:46,824 --> 00:38:49,326
Ding dong the witch is dead.
What we gonna do now?
461
00:38:51,203 --> 00:38:52,871
Who's up for a strip club?
462
00:39:12,391 --> 00:39:14,934
There you go, my lovelies.
463
00:39:17,355 --> 00:39:22,192
So, this Hoye shindig.
Reckon you can get me past security?
464
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:25,445
Might be tricky. Already taking a plus 7.
465
00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:29,074
Only your pal Atticus has put in
a little order with me.
466
00:39:29,492 --> 00:39:31,659
Party supplies, if you know what I mean.
467
00:39:32,370 --> 00:39:33,912
Classic Atticus.
468
00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:37,082
Problem is, I'm a watched man
in these parts.
469
00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:40,085
I can't make a delivery
with that heat on me.
470
00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:43,088
Well, I could deliver it.
471
00:39:43,255 --> 00:39:45,131
What, you'd do that for me?
472
00:39:46,759 --> 00:39:48,301
You did me a favour.
473
00:39:48,844 --> 00:39:51,679
I feel so lucky to have a pal like you.
474
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:59,938
Please welcome Port Jago's finest dancer.
475
00:40:00,689 --> 00:40:02,941
Brace yourself for Peggy Sue.
476
00:40:18,124 --> 00:40:20,417
Right, I can't watch this any more.
477
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:24,045
- I'm sick of seeing this.
- Put them away.
478
00:40:24,922 --> 00:40:29,259
So, it turns out the
CLA is a Cornish cartel
479
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:31,136
and Pasco is a drug baron.
480
00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:33,763
- We're leaving.
- He has asked very sweetly
481
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:38,184
if I/we could pop over a
teeny bit of weed to the party tomorrow.
482
00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:43,189
Come on, Jing. He did me a favour. You
know the saying, 'I scratch your back ...'
483
00:40:43,357 --> 00:40:45,567
You turn 7 children into drug mules?
484
00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:51,698
It's not like we're smoking any of it.
We're just delivering it. Like Ocado.
485
00:40:53,325 --> 00:40:59,289
Guys, time for a little life lesson. Who
is the most popular guy at a house party?
486
00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:02,083
- The guy with the bongos?
- No, Joe.
487
00:41:02,251 --> 00:41:03,793
He's the least popular person.
488
00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:06,421
The guy with the supply.
489
00:41:18,058 --> 00:41:20,852
- Not with the arse.
- Oh my God!
490
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:39,662
My coccyx!
491
00:41:52,676 --> 00:41:55,011
Joe, Joe, Joe...
492
00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,115
Wickers!
493
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,370
We've got a situation, people.
494
00:42:20,538 --> 00:42:24,165
I have told the PE teacher
a million times. Touch rugby, fine.
495
00:42:24,333 --> 00:42:26,167
Touch swimming, letters.
496
00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:30,046
We've lost contact with the Cornwall trip
and the PTA want answers, fast.
497
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:33,007
Alfie has enraged the
deadliest enemy of them all.
498
00:42:33,509 --> 00:42:35,927
- Women of a certain age.
- Correct.
499
00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,721
Mumsnet have put down their massive
glasses of wine
500
00:42:38,889 --> 00:42:40,431
and picked up their pitchforks.
501
00:42:40,599 --> 00:42:42,392
Then we need to find him before they do.
502
00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:46,521
We've got 24 hours until those children
are legally classified as missing.
503
00:42:46,689 --> 00:42:50,942
Martino, soup up your thermos
and grab your Best of Shakin' Stevens.
504
00:42:51,402 --> 00:42:53,403
It's road trippin' time.
505
00:42:56,323 --> 00:43:00,326
Ah, Woody Bay beach.
I used to catch crabs there every summer.
506
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,329
I wonder if Alice Hubble
still works there?
507
00:43:04,248 --> 00:43:08,459
Look, this isn't a jolly.
Alfie's future is in our hands.
508
00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:14,007
Can you stop playing Christmas music?
It's fucking June.
509
00:43:16,343 --> 00:43:19,929
Wrong time of the month
for Christmas music.
510
00:43:33,902 --> 00:43:35,570
Guys, wake up.
511
00:43:38,782 --> 00:43:42,910
Sorry I had to scarper,
time and tide wait for no man.
512
00:43:43,245 --> 00:43:44,912
Now listen very carefully.
513
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:49,208
Outside you'll find a van
with a package inside for tonight's party.
514
00:43:49,376 --> 00:43:52,378
When you want me to pick you up,
call this number.
515
00:43:52,755 --> 00:43:55,131
Your mate, Pasco.
516
00:43:58,802 --> 00:44:02,013
I spy with my little eye...
517
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,850
...something beginning with S.
518
00:44:06,018 --> 00:44:07,560
Rhymes with...
519
00:44:09,146 --> 00:44:10,772
...brie.
520
00:44:11,523 --> 00:44:13,483
- Sea?
- Correct.
521
00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:15,610
- Do another one.
- I spy...
522
00:44:15,778 --> 00:44:19,280
...with my little eye
something beginning with...
523
00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:27,163
...S again.
Rhymes with... breering wheel.
524
00:44:28,123 --> 00:44:29,666
- Steering wheel?
- Correct.
525
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:34,420
Please, put the music on!
Put the fucking music back on!
526
00:44:56,485 --> 00:44:59,862
Angleterre? Merci, merci.
527
00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,986
Hi. Excuse me, those policemen...
528
00:45:40,154 --> 00:45:42,613
Looking for a teacher
what put a woman in a box.
529
00:45:42,781 --> 00:45:45,867
Police say he's been mixing
with undesirables.
530
00:45:47,119 --> 00:45:48,786
Look, a helicopter tour.
531
00:45:49,955 --> 00:45:51,748
And who are these undesirables?
532
00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:56,461
- Pasco.
- Will you keep your mouth shut, Tom?!
533
00:45:57,546 --> 00:46:01,299
- Where can I find this Pasco?
- Wherever the wind takes him.
534
00:46:02,009 --> 00:46:04,218
Anything I could put into Google Maps?
535
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:07,388
Wherever he lays his hat is his home.
536
00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:11,100
Strip club.
537
00:46:12,102 --> 00:46:14,604
Yo Ho Ho's or Teaser's Palace?
538
00:46:28,202 --> 00:46:30,077
Susan, what are you doing?
539
00:46:30,245 --> 00:46:31,871
Raising an army.
540
00:46:47,721 --> 00:46:50,431
It's like a castle.
541
00:46:50,599 --> 00:46:52,725
I thought you said
your mate lived on an estate.
542
00:48:02,838 --> 00:48:07,216
Well, Dick Shittington,
if it isn't Alfie Wickers.
543
00:48:08,427 --> 00:48:10,177
Great to see you, mate.
544
00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:14,599
Guys, meet your host, Mr Atticus Hoye.
545
00:48:14,975 --> 00:48:17,018
Mi casa tu casa.
546
00:48:17,185 --> 00:48:19,729
Sorry, bruv, we don't speak Hogwarts.
547
00:48:20,981 --> 00:48:24,525
- So where are your folks?
- Daddy doesn't really do Cornwall.
548
00:48:24,693 --> 00:48:29,530
Doesn't like getting the Aston dirty.
How about you, bro? Still fencing?
549
00:48:30,407 --> 00:48:32,533
God, I miss going tip-to-tip with you.
550
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:38,539
Ooh, here comes trouble.
Here's the lads.
551
00:48:38,707 --> 00:48:42,585
Ludo, The Shep, Digby,
Orlando, Tarquin and Dave.
552
00:48:42,753 --> 00:48:44,045
Short for Earl of Daventry.
553
00:48:44,880 --> 00:48:46,839
Toby-Jug is absolutely mullered.
554
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,718
He just took Binky down to the ha-ha
and spooged on her pashmina.
555
00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:53,179
Do these guys come with subtitles?
556
00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:56,432
- Classic pube or dare.
- What's pube or dare?
557
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:58,517
Either you do a dare or one
of the lads holds you down
558
00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,603
and rips out a handful of your pubes.
559
00:49:00,771 --> 00:49:02,855
It's a very famous parlour game.
560
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:05,066
Live by the pube, die by the pube.
561
00:49:05,233 --> 00:49:07,610
You must have told them about Shagaluf?
562
00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:10,529
Literally the funniest pube or dare ever.
563
00:49:10,697 --> 00:49:12,114
Shall we get a drink?
564
00:49:12,282 --> 00:49:16,577
So basically me and the boys booked
Shagaluf. And then this knobber...
565
00:49:17,579 --> 00:49:22,124
Wait, sorry, man, I'm totally raping your
vibe. This is your story, you tell it.
566
00:49:22,292 --> 00:49:24,001
- Do I...
- Tell it, Dickers.
567
00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:30,216
Well, the guys thought
it would be really funny
568
00:49:30,384 --> 00:49:33,844
to tell me that our leavers' trip
was to Sierra Leone.
569
00:49:34,012 --> 00:49:36,013
So my dad booked me a flight there.
570
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,265
Boys went to Spain.
571
00:49:38,433 --> 00:49:40,643
I had a lovely week in Bumbuna.
572
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:43,980
He got ebola.
573
00:49:44,147 --> 00:49:46,107
- Nearly died.
- Jokes.
574
00:49:46,274 --> 00:49:49,902
- How is that a dare?
- They dared me not to tell my parents.
575
00:49:52,614 --> 00:49:55,408
Could I have a quick word?
Sorry, it's just...
576
00:49:57,244 --> 00:50:00,538
Just to say, your delivery is out front.
577
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:03,040
Pasco sends his regards.
578
00:50:04,084 --> 00:50:05,626
Right.
579
00:50:07,963 --> 00:50:09,505
Oh dear.
580
00:50:10,048 --> 00:50:11,590
Pube or dare?
581
00:50:11,758 --> 00:50:16,137
Pube or dare? Pube or dare?
Pube or dare?
582
00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:42,163
Sorry to cock block the hoonage
but Mr Alfred Wickers...
583
00:50:42,914 --> 00:50:45,416
...is about to make pube or dare history.
584
00:51:04,811 --> 00:51:08,272
- What are you making him do exactly?
- Teabag a swan.
585
00:51:09,649 --> 00:51:11,734
Well, this got weird quickly.
586
00:51:41,306 --> 00:51:43,974
This is the stuff of legend.
587
00:51:51,983 --> 00:51:53,609
Smile!
588
00:52:13,547 --> 00:52:15,089
Sir, stay still!
589
00:52:16,883 --> 00:52:18,175
Mitchell!
590
00:52:18,343 --> 00:52:22,221
Lord. Sheppy, put him out of his misery.
591
00:52:22,389 --> 00:52:24,515
Sheppy incoming!
592
00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:31,397
Right, hey, gang. Everyone back inside.
593
00:52:31,565 --> 00:52:33,607
Monty's gonna play his bongos.
594
00:52:57,007 --> 00:52:59,592
Are your mates always that mean to you?
595
00:52:59,759 --> 00:53:03,304
It's called character-building, Joe.
It's a public school thing.
596
00:53:14,107 --> 00:53:16,483
Hey. That was jokes.
597
00:53:17,485 --> 00:53:19,737
Do you wanna coch with me,
smash a doobie?
598
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:24,366
Yeah. Wanna smash that doobie so hard
it goes to stay
599
00:53:24,534 --> 00:53:27,620
with its mother until
I agree to get counselling.
600
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,873
- Shall we?
- Yeah.
601
00:53:42,093 --> 00:53:43,844
Babe...
602
00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:49,058
So, you and Atticus...
603
00:53:49,893 --> 00:53:55,147
Oh, it's chill. I mean, we sleep together
but we're not exclusive.
604
00:53:56,483 --> 00:53:58,192
Yeah, I mean, I totally dig.
605
00:53:58,693 --> 00:54:00,861
I had a similar situation going on.
606
00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:07,284
Not with Atticus, obviously. Although,
sometimes after fencing practice, we...
607
00:54:08,578 --> 00:54:11,080
Wait here. I've got you a surprise.
608
00:54:31,685 --> 00:54:33,227
Phoebe?
609
00:54:35,480 --> 00:54:37,022
Phoebe?
610
00:54:42,320 --> 00:54:44,363
These poor, poor women.
611
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:50,661
We would find Alfie so much quicker
if only we had a bird's-eye view.
612
00:54:51,997 --> 00:54:54,039
What was Alfie doing in here?
613
00:54:54,207 --> 00:54:56,834
- Hello, stranger.
- Hello, total stranger.
614
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:58,961
Must be confusing me
with someone else.
615
00:55:00,255 --> 00:55:03,132
Martin Wickers, as I live and breathe.
616
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,508
Usual, squire?
617
00:55:05,468 --> 00:55:08,220
Excuse me. Hi. We're looking for a man.
618
00:55:08,388 --> 00:55:12,224
6 foot 1, blue eyes,
thick Jamaican accent?
619
00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:13,934
I think you'd better come with us.
620
00:55:18,481 --> 00:55:19,940
Evening.
621
00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,650
See you, mate.
622
00:55:30,201 --> 00:55:33,287
- Did you see his face?
- It's classic Dickers, babe.
623
00:55:37,334 --> 00:55:38,834
Where's sir?
624
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:40,502
Alfie?
625
00:55:40,670 --> 00:55:43,797
- FML, Chantelle, you're my BFF.
- Stop talking like a text message!
626
00:55:43,965 --> 00:55:46,675
- You stole my man!
- Babe, he is gay!
627
00:55:46,843 --> 00:55:48,218
That's not the point!
628
00:55:48,386 --> 00:55:50,721
Guys, I'm over here.
629
00:55:55,310 --> 00:55:56,810
Got cabbaged.
630
00:55:57,562 --> 00:55:58,645
Brilliant.
631
00:55:58,813 --> 00:56:00,814
Let me guess. Public school thing?
632
00:56:01,441 --> 00:56:02,816
Yeah.
633
00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:07,780
Please tell me you can see
they ain't your mates, bruv.
634
00:56:07,947 --> 00:56:10,574
- What are you on about?
- You're being bullied, sir.
635
00:56:11,659 --> 00:56:13,577
Seriously, pube or dare?
636
00:56:13,745 --> 00:56:15,954
Let me tell you something
about pube or dare.
637
00:56:16,122 --> 00:56:20,000
Yes, every time The Shep yanked out
a fistful of my pubic hair, it hurt.
638
00:56:20,168 --> 00:56:22,127
But at least they wanted
to hang out with me.
639
00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,046
It's always about you, isn't it?
640
00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:27,049
Always about me?
You're the selfish ones for abandoning me.
641
00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:31,220
- Some more selfish than others.
- Get over yourself. I am no accessory.
642
00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:34,139
Can we go in? I was about to get
nuts deep in some posh bird.
643
00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:36,183
- Shut up.
- This holiday wasn't about us.
644
00:56:36,351 --> 00:56:39,686
You used us as an excuse to relive a trip
that you didn't even go on.
645
00:56:39,854 --> 00:56:41,897
- Who wants a kebab?
- Stop protecting him!
646
00:56:42,065 --> 00:56:44,400
Don't have a go at Joe
just for being loyal, Jing!
647
00:56:44,567 --> 00:56:48,153
Oh, you helmet. If he's so loyal, how
come he's had a history tutor all year?
648
00:56:52,826 --> 00:56:54,451
What?
649
00:56:56,121 --> 00:56:57,287
Please don't overreact.
650
00:56:57,455 --> 00:56:59,748
You've been seeing another man
behind my back?
651
00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,085
- Who is he?
- It didn't mean anything.
652
00:57:03,253 --> 00:57:04,795
What would you say if I was like
653
00:57:04,963 --> 00:57:08,799
"After school, I pay for another boy
to come round and be my special friend?".
654
00:57:08,967 --> 00:57:11,260
I'd totally buy that.
655
00:57:11,428 --> 00:57:13,429
I am sick of all you traitors!
656
00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:18,350
- Alfie, what are you doing?
- I am calling Pasco.
657
00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:21,520
The only person that I can trust.
658
00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:39,246
Get in!
659
00:57:50,049 --> 00:57:53,802
The explosion
at Tory MP Michael Hoye's house
660
00:57:53,970 --> 00:57:58,223
has been linked to an extremist group
fighting for Cornish independence.
661
00:57:58,391 --> 00:58:00,517
Did I just blow up my best friend's house?
662
00:58:00,685 --> 00:58:04,563
Oh, you did more than that, brother.
The fire rises.
663
00:58:11,446 --> 00:58:15,157
- Are you gonna kill us?
- Oh, you're no use to me dead.
664
00:58:15,325 --> 00:58:17,784
Right. Who are you?
665
00:58:17,952 --> 00:58:23,123
Pasco Trevelyan. Head of militant
Cornish Nationalist group the CLA.
666
00:58:23,291 --> 00:58:24,958
The Cornish Liberation Army.
667
00:58:25,126 --> 00:58:27,794
- And you are?
- Interpol. Counter-terrorism.
668
00:58:27,962 --> 00:58:30,756
Now for years, we thought
the CLA lay dormant.
669
00:58:30,924 --> 00:58:35,093
Tonight, all that changed,
thanks to this man.
670
00:58:35,887 --> 00:58:37,638
Intelligence indicates that
671
00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:40,807
Wickers has been radicalised
by a Cornish preacher of hate.
672
00:58:40,975 --> 00:58:43,227
Alfie? He hasn't got
a violent bone in his body.
673
00:58:43,394 --> 00:58:45,896
The Alfie Wickers you knew is dead.
674
00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:48,607
Why, God?!
675
00:58:48,775 --> 00:58:51,193
Right, that was a figure of speech.
As you were.
676
00:58:51,361 --> 00:58:52,986
Thankfully there were no fatalities.
677
00:58:53,613 --> 00:58:56,949
That doesn't change the cold hard fact
that Wickers is a terrorist.
678
00:58:57,116 --> 00:59:00,869
And we need to know everything.
Who he talks to. What he reads.
679
00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:03,872
Does he have any links
with the Middle East?
680
00:59:04,040 --> 00:59:05,582
Oh, he likes falafel.
681
00:59:05,750 --> 00:59:08,752
Likes falafel.
682
00:59:12,173 --> 00:59:16,927
We've hacked into a social media account
connected to the suspect's terror cell.
683
00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:19,429
Terror cell? What, you mean his class?
684
00:59:23,226 --> 00:59:24,601
Well, that doesn't prove anything.
685
00:59:42,328 --> 00:59:45,122
Pasco... look, take me, not them.
686
00:59:45,290 --> 00:59:48,250
They're just kids. Look, at least
let me just call their parents.
687
00:59:53,923 --> 00:59:57,843
- They could be tracking us.
- I mean, it has an airplane mode.
688
00:59:59,053 --> 01:00:00,596
I hadn't backed up.
689
01:00:00,763 --> 01:00:02,222
Move!
690
01:00:02,724 --> 01:00:06,602
You're right. They might be looking for us
which is why we should act as a decoy.
691
01:00:06,769 --> 01:00:10,564
They may be looking, petal.
But they'll be looking in the wrong place.
692
01:00:10,732 --> 01:00:13,609
I sent them on a merry goose chase.
693
01:00:14,277 --> 01:00:15,819
Who are you people?
694
01:00:16,195 --> 01:00:19,615
The Cornish Liberation Army.
695
01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,708
This was the scene earlier
in Cornwall.
696
01:00:29,876 --> 01:00:31,918
Sir, you're on the telly.
697
01:00:32,962 --> 01:00:35,797
Yeah, I know. Wickers
was always a bit of a loner.
698
01:00:35,965 --> 01:00:39,551
You know, kept himself to himself.
Daddy, you never liked him, did you?
699
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:42,596
Always showing up at the house
pretending we'd invited him.
700
01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:46,725
We repeat. These men are
dangerous and should not be approached.
701
01:00:46,893 --> 01:00:48,769
If you have any information,
please call...
702
01:00:48,936 --> 01:00:51,146
The revolution has begun.
703
01:00:51,314 --> 01:00:54,107
Best school trip ever.
704
01:01:05,244 --> 01:01:07,037
Time for Phase 2.
705
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:08,747
Dare I ask what that entails?
706
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:11,875
I could set us up a petition
on change.org.
707
01:01:12,043 --> 01:01:14,753
We are gonna loose a tide of blood.
708
01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:19,007
- How does a revolution succeed?
- Peaceful negotiation.
709
01:01:19,175 --> 01:01:20,935
The armed seizure
of the means of production.
710
01:01:20,968 --> 01:01:23,512
- Really?
- Yes, young Smee.
711
01:01:23,888 --> 01:01:27,683
Control the money, control the people.
Then they'll have to listen to us.
712
01:01:27,850 --> 01:01:29,935
And what's Cornwall's biggest industry?
713
01:01:30,103 --> 01:01:32,688
- Inbreeding? - Racism?
- Mullets? - Pasties?
714
01:01:32,855 --> 01:01:34,064
Clotted cream?
715
01:01:34,941 --> 01:01:37,901
- Tourism.
- Correct, Lotus Blossom.
716
01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:41,613
We're gonna take back this county's
most important attraction.
717
01:01:41,781 --> 01:01:43,323
Move out, lads!
718
01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:57,754
The Eden Project. The CLA's next target.
719
01:01:57,922 --> 01:02:00,924
We've had it confirmed by a number
of sources from the local community.
720
01:02:01,092 --> 01:02:03,009
- Let me talk to him.
- Too late.
721
01:02:03,177 --> 01:02:05,512
His actions have left me only one option.
722
01:02:05,680 --> 01:02:07,264
Helicopter manhunt!
723
01:02:07,432 --> 01:02:08,765
- Yes!
- No!
724
01:02:10,309 --> 01:02:13,437
We need to neutralise that threat
before anyone else gets hurt.
725
01:02:14,313 --> 01:02:15,605
It's show time!
726
01:02:20,069 --> 01:02:23,071
A real rain is coming and it's gonna wash
this county clean!
727
01:02:29,162 --> 01:02:31,913
Confirming a positive ID matching
the suspect's description.
728
01:02:32,081 --> 01:02:33,623
Move!
729
01:02:37,253 --> 01:02:41,006
- Stand aside, move out the way!
- Move to the side of the path!
730
01:02:43,259 --> 01:02:45,135
Welcome to the jungle.
731
01:02:58,232 --> 01:03:00,525
You can't use force. He has rights.
732
01:03:15,917 --> 01:03:17,375
Oh my God, it's them.
733
01:03:22,215 --> 01:03:24,174
Red Team in position.
734
01:03:25,510 --> 01:03:28,220
They're not going to the Eden Project!
735
01:03:28,387 --> 01:03:30,013
Permission to engage?
736
01:03:34,101 --> 01:03:35,727
It's not them, I tell you!
737
01:03:35,895 --> 01:03:38,980
- What makes you so sure of that?
- Because I...
738
01:03:41,359 --> 01:03:43,276
...feel it in my waters.
739
01:03:44,862 --> 01:03:46,947
Engage at will!
740
01:03:47,114 --> 01:03:49,449
You can't! Alfie! Alfie!
741
01:03:50,284 --> 01:03:52,661
- Red Team engage.
- No!
742
01:03:55,832 --> 01:03:57,666
You see, it's not him!
743
01:04:01,295 --> 01:04:02,838
Scheiße!
744
01:04:07,969 --> 01:04:10,428
Negative, sir, it's not our suspect.
745
01:04:31,284 --> 01:04:33,285
The castle is now closed.
746
01:04:37,290 --> 01:04:39,583
The castle is now...
Excuse me, sir.
747
01:04:40,585 --> 01:04:43,003
I said that the castle is now closed.
You can't...
748
01:04:46,632 --> 01:04:48,216
This is a lock-in!
749
01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:52,137
Let the games begin.
750
01:04:56,225 --> 01:04:57,559
They're at Penleven Castle!
751
01:04:58,060 --> 01:04:59,978
Another tip-off from your waters, is it?
752
01:05:00,146 --> 01:05:01,813
Escort this woman out of here.
753
01:05:02,481 --> 01:05:04,983
- Take her away, boys.
- Right, get them all out!
754
01:05:06,360 --> 01:05:09,613
Unhand me!
Joe's got a chip in his neck.
755
01:05:09,780 --> 01:05:11,072
What?
756
01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:14,075
A few years ago, Joe had his appendix out.
757
01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:18,163
Whilst he was under I had them
pop a chip in his neck.
758
01:05:21,000 --> 01:05:24,002
- He's not a dog, Susan.
- A lot of mothers do it!
759
01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:27,172
Don't they?
760
01:05:38,726 --> 01:05:44,314
All of Cornwall is here. Young, old,
men, women. White...
761
01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:48,193
You've united the clans.
762
01:05:48,778 --> 01:05:51,947
Pasco was right,
the CLA needed new blood.
763
01:05:52,114 --> 01:05:55,408
You're exciting, brave,
and you don't have buggers' grips.
764
01:05:55,576 --> 01:05:58,244
Look, I'd love to be your Che Guevara.
765
01:05:58,412 --> 01:06:01,456
The only slight problem is,
I'm not actually Cornish.
766
01:06:01,624 --> 01:06:05,210
Che Guevara wasn't actually Cuban.
He was born in Argentina.
767
01:06:05,378 --> 01:06:06,962
Would you give it a rest?
768
01:06:07,129 --> 01:06:10,006
I tricked you into planting the bomb,
but they don't know that.
769
01:06:10,174 --> 01:06:14,386
We got the fortress, soldiers,
weeks of supplies.
770
01:06:14,553 --> 01:06:17,472
We can see this through
to the last drop of blood.
771
01:06:18,265 --> 01:06:21,393
All we need is a charismatic leader.
772
01:06:21,560 --> 01:06:24,062
Yeah, right.
You keep using this word 'leader'...
773
01:06:24,230 --> 01:06:26,523
Speak to them. Inspire them.
774
01:06:26,691 --> 01:06:31,069
I hear the Jihadiwaddys tell their lot
they'll get a 72 year old virgin.
775
01:06:32,363 --> 01:06:34,114
It's 72 virgins.
776
01:06:34,281 --> 01:06:36,574
See? That's why you're good at this.
777
01:06:38,619 --> 01:06:40,704
Okay, fine. I'll speak to them.
778
01:06:40,871 --> 01:06:44,207
Before I do, maybe you could go on,
get the crowd warmed up a bit?
779
01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:46,584
Then I'll come on and knock it
out the park.
780
01:06:46,752 --> 01:06:48,253
You're the boss.
781
01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:51,423
People of Cornwall.
782
01:06:51,590 --> 01:06:53,717
Right, come on, we're getting out of here.
783
01:06:58,681 --> 01:07:00,849
Sir, where the hell are we going?!
784
01:07:01,017 --> 01:07:03,560
I've got this.
They've barricaded us in,
785
01:07:03,728 --> 01:07:05,562
so I need to send out a distress signal.
786
01:07:05,730 --> 01:07:06,855
Stand back.
787
01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:10,233
The hour of reckoning is upon us!
788
01:07:10,401 --> 01:07:14,863
It's time to rid ourselves of those
Westminster bastards once and for all!
789
01:07:16,657 --> 01:07:21,119
Look, our leader is burning
the symbol of the oppressor.
790
01:07:21,287 --> 01:07:23,163
Alfie.
791
01:07:23,330 --> 01:07:25,040
No, I wasn't.
792
01:07:25,207 --> 01:07:26,750
It was a mistake.
793
01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:29,836
- Alfie, Alfie, Alfie...
- Stop chanting.
794
01:07:30,546 --> 01:07:32,088
I didn't mean to.
795
01:07:33,299 --> 01:07:36,426
Alfie, Alfie, Alfie...
796
01:07:46,979 --> 01:07:48,897
Sorry. Sorry.
797
01:08:10,044 --> 01:08:12,420
- Are we gonna die, sir?
- Of course not.
798
01:08:14,048 --> 01:08:15,381
But just in case we do...
799
01:08:17,343 --> 01:08:19,719
...I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.
800
01:08:19,887 --> 01:08:22,347
You were right about Atticus and that lot.
801
01:08:22,848 --> 01:08:24,390
They aren't my friends.
802
01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:26,893
You guys are.
803
01:08:28,395 --> 01:08:29,979
And now I'm losing you.
804
01:08:30,773 --> 01:08:33,900
We're all in the same boat, sir.
It's not just you.
805
01:08:35,611 --> 01:08:38,029
We're saying goodbye to each other.
806
01:08:42,993 --> 01:08:45,537
I'm sorry for all those things
I said, babe.
807
01:08:45,704 --> 01:08:48,873
I was embarrassed and
I took it out on you. BFFs?
808
01:08:49,041 --> 01:08:53,294
BFFs. Oh God,
I look so minging when I cry.
809
01:08:53,879 --> 01:08:57,799
What have I done?
I'm literally the worst teacher ever.
810
01:08:58,509 --> 01:09:00,218
You're a great teacher.
811
01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:03,471
Different, but great.
812
01:09:04,431 --> 01:09:08,685
Yes. You taught us things we weren't
never not going to learn nowhere else.
813
01:09:09,353 --> 01:09:13,148
Wow, that was like a
quadruple negative...
814
01:09:13,774 --> 01:09:15,525
...but thanks.
815
01:09:17,653 --> 01:09:20,405
Every day at school
I was bullied or ignored.
816
01:09:21,615 --> 01:09:26,286
But... your classroom
was the only place I always felt safe.
817
01:09:28,581 --> 01:09:33,668
You're the first person to make me feel
like I was somebody worth talking to.
818
01:09:40,301 --> 01:09:41,634
I'm a virgin.
819
01:09:44,054 --> 01:09:46,806
No shit.
820
01:09:47,892 --> 01:09:49,893
Hang on. You all knew?
821
01:09:51,854 --> 01:09:53,396
Sir, I'm scared.
822
01:09:54,273 --> 01:09:55,398
Don't worry.
823
01:09:55,566 --> 01:09:59,027
Look, just think of all of this
as one big Class Wars.
824
01:10:01,405 --> 01:10:04,574
That's it! Class Wars!
825
01:10:04,742 --> 01:10:08,036
This is a siege.
And how do we end a siege?
826
01:10:10,831 --> 01:10:12,707
A blockade.
827
01:10:41,362 --> 01:10:45,073
We've cut off your food,
your water and your communication.
828
01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:46,616
The revolution is over.
829
01:10:46,784 --> 01:10:48,826
Hashtag sorry not sorry.
830
01:10:51,080 --> 01:10:54,374
Look, mate, I agree with a lot
of what you're saying.
831
01:10:55,125 --> 01:10:58,294
Yes, the system's cringe,
austerity's bullshit...
832
01:10:58,671 --> 01:11:01,464
...and of course Cornwall
deserves a voice.
833
01:11:02,049 --> 01:11:05,343
But you're not gonna change any of that
by kidnapping my kids...
834
01:11:09,098 --> 01:11:12,016
Any minute now, the police
are gonna make their move...
835
01:11:12,184 --> 01:11:15,728
...and we are gonna fight
for our freedom to the death.
836
01:11:15,896 --> 01:11:17,981
Could you just let go of my neck?
837
01:11:20,776 --> 01:11:23,569
All those people out there
believe in Alfie Wickers.
838
01:11:24,196 --> 01:11:26,531
So you can either play your part...
839
01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,909
...or what does every revolution need?
840
01:11:30,703 --> 01:11:32,287
A martyr.
841
01:11:32,454 --> 01:11:33,997
Damn your tutor.
842
01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:38,876
Once again, young Smee is right.
A revolution needs a martyr.
843
01:11:39,044 --> 01:11:43,756
And I'll nail you to the cross myself
if it means Cornish liberation.
844
01:11:44,300 --> 01:11:45,508
So...
845
01:11:46,051 --> 01:11:47,802
...what will it be?
846
01:11:49,096 --> 01:11:51,264
What was the first one again?
847
01:12:00,316 --> 01:12:03,693
There are kids in there.
Nobody does anything till I say so.
848
01:12:03,861 --> 01:12:05,653
The world's media is watching.
849
01:12:05,821 --> 01:12:09,240
We wouldn't rule out the use of
unmanned drones. Next question.
850
01:12:09,408 --> 01:12:12,243
- Who are you?
- For the purposes of your articles,
851
01:12:12,411 --> 01:12:14,579
just call me the white Luther.
852
01:12:14,747 --> 01:12:17,415
Somebody shut him up.
853
01:12:23,130 --> 01:12:26,591
Time to tool up.
I brought these over in the boat.
854
01:12:26,759 --> 01:12:31,012
Some serious artillery from our
fellow freedom fighters in ETA.
855
01:12:34,475 --> 01:12:36,184
Oh, bollocks.
856
01:12:39,313 --> 01:12:42,023
I must have sent the wrong crate
to Bodmin.
857
01:12:45,944 --> 01:12:48,321
Oh my God, we're all gonna die.
858
01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:51,032
Shit, man, I think Joe's gone loco.
859
01:12:51,200 --> 01:12:53,201
Guys, look.
860
01:12:57,790 --> 01:13:00,166
Our mums are here to pick us up.
861
01:13:10,052 --> 01:13:12,053
- We've got to get out of here now.
- How?
862
01:13:12,221 --> 01:13:15,181
Seriously, mate,
what the hell are you doing?
863
01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:22,688
Smugglers' tunnel down to the beach.
864
01:13:22,856 --> 01:13:25,024
Does no-one listen to Alfie?
865
01:13:28,987 --> 01:13:31,489
Sir, how did you get past that troll?
866
01:13:31,824 --> 01:13:34,826
Let's just say
I gave him a little present.
867
01:13:34,993 --> 01:13:37,036
You wanked him off?
868
01:13:37,204 --> 01:13:39,539
What? No, I gave him my watch.
869
01:13:39,706 --> 01:13:41,290
Whatever.
Sir wanked off a giant.
870
01:13:41,458 --> 01:13:42,667
I didn't.
871
01:13:42,835 --> 01:13:45,837
Sir, look!
Our mums are here.
872
01:13:46,296 --> 01:13:48,297
Alfie.
873
01:13:48,465 --> 01:13:50,007
The tunnel. I knew it.
874
01:13:50,175 --> 01:13:52,427
Down to the beach. We haven't got long.
875
01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:54,512
He was massive and sir wanked him off.
876
01:13:56,515 --> 01:13:59,851
- What about you?
- If the CLA see you, you're screwed.
877
01:14:00,018 --> 01:14:03,098
- I've gotta create a distraction for you.
- You gonna wank off Pasco as well?
878
01:14:03,230 --> 01:14:05,314
Right, can we just drop the wanking?
879
01:14:07,776 --> 01:14:11,904
Good luck, mate. And if I don't make it
out of here alive, tell Rosie I love her.
880
01:14:13,657 --> 01:14:17,535
Oh, and... probably delete
my internet history. Thanks.
881
01:14:18,412 --> 01:14:19,996
Fuck, wait.
882
01:14:20,164 --> 01:14:23,332
I've also got some magazines
in the shed. So... yeah.
883
01:14:23,500 --> 01:14:25,543
Hello?!
884
01:14:28,547 --> 01:14:31,674
Right, can everyone
just listen to me, please?
885
01:14:35,304 --> 01:14:37,555
Shots fired.
We're going in!
886
01:14:37,723 --> 01:14:40,016
Get those people under cover.
887
01:14:47,524 --> 01:14:49,525
I just wanted to say a few words.
888
01:14:49,693 --> 01:14:51,903
This ain't a wedding.
889
01:14:53,572 --> 01:14:57,366
Before this weekend
I didn't know the difference
890
01:14:57,534 --> 01:14:59,535
between Cornwall and Devon.
891
01:14:59,703 --> 01:15:01,996
Bastards.
892
01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:05,249
But since then everything's changed.
893
01:15:06,126 --> 01:15:09,712
I discovered a county that is proud...
894
01:15:10,672 --> 01:15:12,381
but unhappy
895
01:15:12,549 --> 01:15:17,762
because for too long you guys have
been taken for granted by the man.
896
01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:22,016
I'm here to tell you this.
897
01:15:22,518 --> 01:15:24,310
You don't need him!
898
01:15:24,895 --> 01:15:27,772
And you know what,
when you walk out that door,
899
01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:30,942
he is gonna see just how much
you do for him!
900
01:15:31,318 --> 01:15:35,863
I'm talking fishing.
I'm talking drystone walling.
901
01:15:37,241 --> 01:15:41,244
- I'm talking...
- Thatched roofs.
902
01:15:41,411 --> 01:15:42,787
Yes, thank you, Mick!
903
01:15:42,955 --> 01:15:46,123
You lot can thatch the hell
out of a cottage!
904
01:15:46,500 --> 01:15:49,210
But today isn't about building things...
905
01:15:49,378 --> 01:15:52,630
...it is about tearing shit up!
906
01:15:55,592 --> 01:15:57,885
And that is why we need to fight!
907
01:15:58,053 --> 01:16:01,931
- Fight! - Fight!
- Fight! Fight for this love!
908
01:16:03,267 --> 01:16:07,144
Because today's the day we tell
those English bastards
909
01:16:07,312 --> 01:16:11,357
that they can take our lives
but they will never take ...!
910
01:16:12,067 --> 01:16:13,818
Our pasties!
911
01:16:17,155 --> 01:16:19,031
Hurry up! Hurry!
912
01:16:21,702 --> 01:16:25,413
This is Cornwall!
913
01:16:50,188 --> 01:16:54,483
In position.
Charge!
914
01:16:55,986 --> 01:16:58,321
Hold the line!
915
01:17:32,731 --> 01:17:34,273
Son of a bitch.
916
01:17:36,735 --> 01:17:38,861
Come back, you coward!
917
01:17:49,289 --> 01:17:50,831
En garde. Touche.
918
01:17:50,999 --> 01:17:52,541
Ponce.
919
01:18:31,373 --> 01:18:33,040
Fuck.
920
01:18:42,801 --> 01:18:45,302
- Mum.
- Oh my God.
921
01:18:51,226 --> 01:18:52,268
Wait!
922
01:18:52,436 --> 01:18:54,186
Chantelle, I'm here.
923
01:19:00,026 --> 01:19:02,737
Oi, guys, help!
924
01:19:09,578 --> 01:19:11,162
Come here!
925
01:19:12,789 --> 01:19:14,707
- Get off!
- Hey, you! Oi!
926
01:19:19,588 --> 01:19:22,047
In loco parentis, motherfuckers.
927
01:19:31,641 --> 01:19:33,309
Come on, kids.
928
01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:35,102
- Let's go.
- Quality.
929
01:20:34,871 --> 01:20:36,580
Et la!
930
01:20:38,834 --> 01:20:40,376
Et la!
931
01:20:42,045 --> 01:20:45,214
That's a direct.
Technically I win.
932
01:20:54,558 --> 01:20:56,308
Look... Pasco...
933
01:20:58,019 --> 01:20:59,728
No.
934
01:20:59,896 --> 01:21:00,938
Sorry.
935
01:21:01,106 --> 01:21:02,523
Please...
936
01:21:08,029 --> 01:21:11,407
- Alfie! Up here.
- Alfredo!
937
01:21:13,243 --> 01:21:15,786
- Come on, Alfie!
- Come on, Alf.
938
01:21:19,583 --> 01:21:21,125
Closer!
939
01:21:21,293 --> 01:21:23,294
Closer! Bring it down!
940
01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:28,549
- Climb up.
- Come on, Alfie.
941
01:21:28,717 --> 01:21:30,801
- Lower.
- Come on, Alfie!
942
01:21:30,969 --> 01:21:34,471
- Jump!
Come on, Alfie, you can do it, darling!
943
01:21:40,604 --> 01:21:42,313
Not again!
944
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:02,791
What the fuck?
945
01:22:02,959 --> 01:22:05,169
Sorry!
946
01:22:10,717 --> 01:22:13,677
I think we should find
somewhere to land now.
947
01:22:13,845 --> 01:22:15,721
But we've paid for an hour.
948
01:22:16,765 --> 01:22:18,766
Fine. Killjoy.
949
01:22:32,280 --> 01:22:34,114
- You alright?
- Yeah.
950
01:22:36,284 --> 01:22:39,203
When I thought I was gonna die
951
01:22:39,371 --> 01:22:42,206
you were the only thing
I couldn't bear to leave behind.
952
01:22:42,374 --> 01:22:44,249
I thought I'd lost you.
953
01:22:44,417 --> 01:22:46,043
I love you.
954
01:22:47,796 --> 01:22:48,963
Idiot.
955
01:22:54,177 --> 01:22:57,596
MP Michael Hoye has resigned
today following allegations
956
01:22:57,764 --> 01:23:01,225
that he claimed on expenses
for a cheeky Nando's van.
957
01:23:01,726 --> 01:23:05,020
The Port Jago by-election has been billed
as an unofficial referendum
958
01:23:05,188 --> 01:23:06,647
for the Cornish people.
959
01:23:06,815 --> 01:23:10,818
And finally, today is results day for
students up and down the country.
960
01:23:12,487 --> 01:23:14,488
That's not yours, you dick.
961
01:23:36,761 --> 01:23:38,554
Well done, mate.
962
01:23:40,640 --> 01:23:43,183
Thanks, Alfie. For everything.
963
01:24:04,831 --> 01:24:07,082
Remember...
964
01:24:10,879 --> 01:24:11,920
Damn straight.
965
01:24:13,548 --> 01:24:15,966
Oh my God.
Never show your mother that.
966
01:24:16,134 --> 01:24:17,760
Okay, sorry.
967
01:24:18,261 --> 01:24:20,763
Okay, gang. Photo time.
968
01:24:27,562 --> 01:24:31,106
Baby, I am so proud of you.
Mummy's so proud.
969
01:24:32,317 --> 01:24:34,485
Well done, well done...
970
01:24:34,652 --> 01:24:37,446
- Why are you dressed like that?
- I'm hiding in the leavers' photo.
971
01:24:39,574 --> 01:24:40,616
As you do.
972
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,827
Oi, sir.
973
01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:46,914
Little gift to say thank you.
974
01:24:47,582 --> 01:24:49,416
Baked them myself.
975
01:24:50,043 --> 01:24:52,586
Thanks, mate.
That's really sweet of you.
976
01:25:09,854 --> 01:25:12,231
Ah, young love.
977
01:25:14,442 --> 01:25:15,984
Oh, bollocks.
978
01:25:17,862 --> 01:25:18,904
What?
979
01:25:19,948 --> 01:25:22,116
He spiked the brownies.
980
01:25:26,788 --> 01:25:28,330
Alfie?
981
01:25:29,624 --> 01:25:31,166
Alfie.
76294
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