All language subtitles for gfddddddd

Now, y'all keep asking me,
"Amanda, who is this
special for?"

And I keep telling y'all,
"It's for my sisters!"

But it's comedy,
so it's really for everybody.

Okay, maybe not for everybody.
Everybody except for racists,

rapists, sexists,
misogynists, narcissists.

You know, folks that are
callin' the cops on black folks
just livin' our lives.

Yeah, it ain't for you.
It ain't for fuck boys,
or trife gals,

or that one ex, who still ain't
paid you that money back
he owes you. Uh-huh.

No laughs for them.

It ain't for Trump voters,
or coons, or...

people who don't believe
that white men
can be terrorists.

It ain't for homophobes,
or transphobes,

or xenophobes.
You know that wall
is some bullshit.

Hmm. It ain't for bullies,
it ain't for poachers,
it ain't for abusers.

It ain't for people
who keep asking me,

"Amanda, can I
pick your brain?"
No!

It ain't for dudes
who want head

but don't wanna
eat no pussy!

It ain't for you!

(sighs) It also is not
for people who don't
take care of their kids.

It ain't for people who take
their shoes and socks off
on planes.

Who raised you?

It ain't for fronters.
It ain't for fakers.

It ain't for the phonies.
It ain't for haters.

Nah, I'm frontin'!
It is for the haters.

'Cause, you know,
y'all be tryin' to stop me
from gettin' my shine.

But guess what?
I can't stop.

Won't stop.
You know why?
'Cause...

Announcer:
Give it up for phat girl,
a young girl...

Amanda Seales!

-(audience cheering)
-(hip-hop music playing)

-Seales: I be...
-Audience: Knowin'.

(audience clapping, cheering)

New York!

(cheering)

We did it.

(laughter)

We here.

My people.

-(cheering)
-Seales: Ah!

The real ones.

(cheers)

The truth-tellers.

(cheers)

The responsible hoes.

(cheering)

(audience laughing)

I see you, boos.

I always say,
we "responsible hoes"
'cause we got levels.

We know our credit score.

All right.

We get annual pap smears.

(cheering)

Keep it tight.

But when we hear...

♪ Cash, money, records,
taking over, put the 99
in the 2000 ♪

(cheering)

We know the proper protocol!

Women got levels.

Anyone who identifies
as a woman understands,
it's a journey.

Right? Being a woman
is a journey. Lots of
twists and turns.

We dealin' with things
that people don't even...

know that we're
dealing with.

Titties.
Okay?

It don't matter what size
your titties is.

At the end of the day,
when you take your bra off,

they audibly sigh.

(sighs)

You goin' back
to the motherland
in your living room.

♪ Wayla ♪

♪ Wayla, wayla ♪

♪ Let 'em hang,
let 'em swang ♪

♪ Let 'em hang,
let 'em swang ♪

Okay? There's a crowd outside
chanting, "Free the titties!
Free the titties!"

There's a reporter
in your room, interviewing
your nipples, like,

"How does it feel
to be free from
that padded cell?"

"My God, it feels so good
to feel the wind in my hair."

"There's hair on nipples?"
"Yes."

(laughter, cheers)

Then we have these periods.

Right?

I thought by now,
I'd be used to it.

I really did.
But still it be like, ta-da!

I'm like,
where did you come from?

And so I find myself,
more often than I'd like to...

in a public restroom,
doing this.

Wrapping toilet paper
around a crotch.

Because by 37, I've become
a menstrual MacGyver.

(chuckles)

Then there's the whole...
(sighs)

There's a whole thing
about going out.

Okay. Some of y'all
barely made it here
tonight.

(laughter)

(applause)

I be havin' to cheer myself on.

Like really,
in the house, like,
"Okay, okay, okay, okay."

♪ We doin' it, we goin' out ♪

♪ We doin' it,
we goin' out ♪

(laughter)

Like, really.

♪ I'm single, but it's cool,
I'm single, but it's cool ♪

♪ I'm single, but it's
c-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-l ♪

♪ Fuck these niggas
Fuck, fuck these niggas ♪

♪ Fuck these niggas
Fuck, fuck these niggas ♪

-♪ I'm cute, I'm cute.
I'm cute, I'm cute, I'm cute ♪
-(clapping rhythmically)

♪ F-U-C-K, gonna fuck
these niggas anyway! ♪

(cheering, applauding)

It's real.

You do all of that
and you're like,
"Okay, okay."

You get dressed.

I don't know about y'all,
but I be havin' theoretical
outfits.

That only really live
in theory.

My hypothesis
sometimes fails.

'Cause then I put it on
and I'm, like, "Oh."

"Look at that."

Hit and a miss.

(laughter)

But you're not gonna change.

'Cause if I change,
I'm going to sleep.

If I take the clothes off,
I'm going to sleep.

Okay? It's gonna be me
and Lando.

In the crib.

So...

you have to find
another source
of confidence

to be like,
"This works."

For me, that is
the, uh, gay black man
that lives within me.

LaTravious-s-s-s...

I consult with LaTravious
in the mirror,

because LaTravious is
a gay black man,

and gay black men
have more confidence

than anybody on the planet.

(applause)

They have to

'cause they're dealing
with oppression from
multiple sides.

They got racism over here.
They got homophobia over here.

That's why the walk is so mean.

'Cause they be like,
"No, bitch. No, bitch.
No bitch. No bitch.

"Come for me. Come for me.
Come for me. Come for me.

Beyoncé."

(cheers, laughter)

"Wear that.
That's cute."

(laughter)

I'm like, "Okay,
he fuck with it."

I'm ready to go.

So, then you head out.
Right?

You hit that threshold
and you're like, skrrt.

'Cause you realize...

you did not paint
your toenails.

(laughter)

And you have an inner conflict
because one part of you is like,

"I am not hampered by
society's limitations
of femininity.

(laughter)

"I am my personality,
not my appearance.

For colored girls
who considered suicide
when the rainbow is enough."

The other part of you
is like, "Mmm..."

"These shits look
pre-historic."

(laughing)

So you've got to come
to a compromise
within yourself.

And that compromise is

to just paint the two
that are showing.

(laughing, cheering)

He got to earn
that pinky toe!

He got to earn
that pinky toe!

♪ Yes, he do ♪

We're dealing with real things.

Women are still dealing
with cat-calling.

Why?

Has it ever been proven
effective?

No!

I was on a show on CNN...

where I had to discuss
cat-calling

with the whitest white man
of whitery.

You know, like the kind of
white man that wears two polos
at the same damn time.

One, a-two.

(sighs)
So...

He comes on the screen
and he's like,
"Ah-ah-ah-ah.

I think we can all agree..."
Okay.

Uh-uh.

The minute I hear a straight
white man say, "I think
we can all agree,"

I know, we do not agree.

-(laughter, applause)
-We don't.

So, this man is on TV,
and he has the caucasity...

(laughter, applause)

...to say,

"Eh, I think we can
all agree that all women

love getting compliments
from men in the street."

(women muttering)

Whom?

(laughter)

When I hear such foolery,
it makes me...

first, just, go to the root.

And I say, "Okay.

This is somebody
who doesn't know
what a compliment is."

And, you know,
black women...

(laughter)

...we are the masters
at compliments.

We... We have taken
compliments down

to a precise science
of conciseness,

where we don't even
say a full sentence.

We just say at you...

what we're looking at
on you.

"Okay, polka-dots!"

When it's that easy,
you gotta hand 'em out
all the time.

'Cause you gotta remember,
it doesn't diminish you any

to pick another sister up.

(cheering)

Compliments.

How could he not know?
For clarification...

If I'm in Brooklyn...

at midnight...

and a Jamaican man...

(laughter)

...appears from the shadows.

(cheering)

(with Jamaican accent):
Sweetness-s-s-s...

"You look like
a vanilla ice cream.

(laughter, cheers)

"Me wan' lick you."

"Ookoo, ookoo."

(in normal voice):
That's not a compliment.
That's a threat.

(laughter)

If I'm in Harlem...

and some brothers
pause their dice game--

it's the polite thing to do--

and they're like,
"Yaw!"

(in Harlem accent):
"Shorty rock and rough and stuff
with one Afro puff."

"And the jacket and the pants
with the dada-dada-dada-
dada on it."

"I see you, maaa!"

(laughing)

"What's really good."

(in normal voice):
Yeah, it's not a compliment.

It's an observation.

Then they want you to smile.

(audience members groan)

"Why you mad?"

(laughter)

"Let me see them pearly whites."

"Yo, why you ain't
smiling, man?"

(in normal voice):
You know why
I'm not smiling?

'Cause I just spent
the last 20 minutes

in a public bathroom

fashioning a makeshift
maxi pad...

(laughter, applause)

...out of a long-ass
CVS receipt.

Just so I don't got to walk
around here,

looking like a dire wolf
bit me in the pussy.

(laughter)

"You still trying to holla,
nigga? What's up?"

(laughter)

They even wanted
Harriet Tubman to smile,
y'all.

Remember when they were
talking about putting
Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill?

There was a room full
of white men

who got together
and said...

"Ah-ah-ah-ah!

"I think we can all agree...

Harriet Tubman just doesn't
look happy."

(in normal voice):
You don't say!

Well, gee willikers!

I just can't think
about why Harriet Tubman...

doesn't look chipper!

Also, for the record,

in our minuscule teachings
of black history
in public school,

it's not like Harriet Tubman
was ever considered
a jokester.

Like, she was resourceful,
you know. She was dedicated.

She was revolutionary.
She was heroic.

But you never heard:
"Frederic Douglas,
the orator!

"Martin Luther King,
the leader!

"Harriet Tubman.
She had them jokes!"

(laughing)

Never, not once.

But Harriet Tubman brought
so many folks to freedom.

And you know that
in her numerous travels,

bringing folks across
that Mason-Dixon line,

she came across a number
of different personalities.

And I know at least one of 'em
was a complainer.

And there's a very good chance
that it was a man.

Just picture it.

It's the dark of night.

You can hear the dogs
from the lynch mob.
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

Bitch-ass racists is running,
"Get them niggers!"

"They're runnin'!
Get 'em! Scat!"

Harriet and... Willie.

(laughter)

The odds are high.

They runnin'. They runnin',
right?

They runnin' through
the woods.

You know, they runnin'
through the stream
to try and lose the scent.

They followin'
the dippin' gourd.
♪ Swing low ♪

Here come Willie.
(gasps)

(sighs)

(in deep voice):
"Is we there yet?"

"This sho' is a long walk
to freedom.'

"It'd be nice if you
could lighten the mood
a bit.

Tell a little joke
or somethin'."

(sighs, sputters)

(in normal voice):
Now Harriet, in an effort...

not to shoot this nigga...

(laughter)

...would go to her resources.

Her handkerchief.

Every picture you see,
Harriet Tubman got this
handkerchief on.

I feel like it was magical.

So in this situation,
she would reach into
that handkerchief.

She'd pull out a joke.

It's on a scroll.

(laughter)

"Okay, Willie.

Why did the chicken
cross the road?"

Willie get hyped.
(gasps)

(in deep voice):
"I don't know, HT."

(laughter)

"Why?"

"To get to freedom, nigga,
that's why! Now keep walking!"

(in normal voice):
The joke stylings
of Harriet Tubman.

Yeah, they really didn't
teach us shit.

Black history,
we had to figure it out,
most of us.

We didn't even learn about...

the Negro national anthem.

They kept that real hush-hush.

And I didn't learn about
the Negro national anthem
until I was in 10th grade.

Yeah. My mother
is from Grenada.

So she ain't know
about that shit.

My father is from
Roxbury, Boston.

I don't know about
that nigga.

He didn't keep up

his end of the parental
cultural bargain.

So, I just had to figure
some shit out

just by being around
other black folks, okay?

But what I did learn

is that no matter what type
of black person you are,
and I always say,

Every black experience
is a black experience,
unless it is anti-black.

(applause)

Regardless, we all sing
the Negro national anthem
"Lift Every Voice and Sing,"

the same way.

We start it like we are
at our man's mama house

for the first time.

(laughter)

Shall we?

(sings tuning note)

Seales and audience:
♪ Lift every voice and sing ♪

♪ Till earth and heaven ring ♪

♪ Ring with the harmonies ♪

♪ Of liberty ♪

Seales:
Someone starts
to double-clap.

♪ Let our rejoicing rise ♪

♪ High as the listening skies ♪

♪ Let it resound ♪

♪ Loud as the rolling sea ♪

Stop.

(laughter)

There are white people in here
right now that are like...

"They're having meetings."

(laughter, cheers)

There are people
watching this right now,

they just found out
there's a Negro
national anthem...

and that it is not
a song from Hamilton.

(laughter, applause)

I love how...

on this next part,
it's almost as if its creators,

John and James Weldon Johnson
was like, "Shh!"

We gotta throw
some stank on it."

'Cause it all of sudden
turns up...

Seales and audience:
♪ Sing a song ♪

♪ Full of the faith that
the dark past has taught us ♪

Seales:
Skrrt, skrrt!

Seales and audience:
♪ Sing a song ♪

♪ Full of the hope that
the present has brought us ♪

Y'all better sing!

Y'all better sing.
Now listen.

The night Obama won...

Don't think about it
too long, 'cause it'll...

You'll get a...
It's like when you
masturbate to an ex,

you can't... you gotta
get in that memory
and get out.

You gotta get out
that shit quick.

Don't put your bag down
in that memory.

No, no, no, no.
You gotta...

(laughter, applause)

Play with your mind, right?

Don't do that shit. Just go,
a-heh, heh, heh, heh.

All right?
The night Obama won,

I was at an event.
It was a very diverse event.

Everybody there wanted
to see him victorious,
okay?

So we were all cheering,
excited when they announced
he won.

We all exalted.

Everybody was watching
the screen and they had a feed

of all these different places
that were celebrating
his winning.

And they landed at a church,
and the church was singing
"Lift Every Voice and Sing."

And so we all joined hands
in kind,

and started singing along,
and that's when I saw,

the black people
see the white people
in this room

who had thought,
up until this very moment,

that they was the most
down-ass white people.

(laughter)

(inaudibly mouthing
syllables)

(laughing)

(cheering)

Seales and audience:
♪ Facing the rising sun ♪

♪ Of a new day begun ♪

♪ Let us rejoice ♪

♪ Until victory ♪

♪ Is won ♪

(cheering)

Play ball!

Got the whole nation
in an uproar over
the national anthem

when we should be singing
this shit,

since it's mostly Negroes
on the field, anyway!

(cheering)

Kaep would be like, "Whoa."

(laughter)

(sighs)
"Mission accomplished."

I learned about the
Negro national anthem
in the back seat

of a purple Dodge Neon.

My sophomore year
of high school,
sitting next to my...

best friend.

A white girl named Julia.

And Julia was like...
(sighs)

"I just feel like...

"being friends with you all...

I should know your anthem."

(in normal voice):
And I was like,
"Yeah, bitch.

We know your anthem."

♪ Someday somebody's gonna ♪

♪ Make you wanna turn around
and say goodbye ♪

♪ Till then baby, are you gonna
let 'em hold you down ♪

♪ And make you cry,
Don't you know ♪

♪ Don't you know
it's a shame ♪

♪ Things'll go your way
if you... ♪

Audience:
♪ Hold on ♪

That's all black girls
that grew up
with white girls.

I am you. You were
the only black girl
at the slumber party.

(cheering)

You were going in the pool
with a shower cap.

Yes. "Keisha, teach us
how to dance! Teach us
how to dance!"

Yeah. "You're like black,
but not like black-black.
You know what I mean?"

(grumbles)

I grew up with
all the white people.

I really did.
I grew up with
all the white people.

So, I feel like
I have a handle...

on the white folks.

So much to say that you
can really categorize them

as two... sides:

There's white people,

and people who happen
to be white.

Now, people who happen
to be white

know and understand
that there ain't no truth
to whiteness.

It's not based on
anything biological
or anthropological.

It was only created
for the sole purpose
of oppression.

Okay. But...

people who happen to be white
also know

that as fake as whiteness is
in reality,

its privilege is real.

So, they know to use
their privilege

to give access to those
who don't have access

to that privilege.

People who happen
to be white,

I call them Hannahs.

(laughter)

White people...

believe the lie

that whiteness makes
them better.

They actually think
it makes them supreme.

And if you believe
that something
that was created

for the sole purpose
of oppressing others
makes you better,

then you ain't shit.

(laughter, applause)

We call them Beckys.

That's what it is.

The thing about it,
though, is that...

whether you are a white woman
or a woman who happens
to be white,

you have been...

basically protected.

Like, the entire world
has been taught to protect

white women and women
who happen to be white,
at the threat of death.

And so, what has happened
is similar

to like when kids
aren't exposed to germs

and so their immune system
doesn't develop.

White women and women who
happen to be white ain't been
exposed to criticism.

So now they all fragile
and they be cryin'
all the goddamned time.

And now all of us
gotta deal with
that shit.

Every day at work.

(laughter, applause)

Now because of this fragility,

no one is telling
white women and women
who happen to be white

about their
problematic behaviors.

Well...

tonight's the night.

(cheering)

Now, see, black women,
we know the shit

that folks don't like
that we do.

'Cause they tell us
all the time.

We know y'all think
we angry.

But we are not hostile.
We just passionate.

(applause)

We're aware.

We just don't care.

(laughter)

We know that you
don't appreciate

when we communicate
with the movie screen.

(laughter)

Elevating it to an
interactive experience.

We are aware...
but we don't care.

We know that it
perturbs you, deeply...

that our hairstyles change
approximately every 2.5
weeks.

Right now, there is a woman
benefiting from white privilege

who is storming into
a break room in a huff.
(huffs)

(laughing)

"Did you see Renita?

"Last week, she had
an adorbs pixie cut.

"And today...

"she showed up
with dreadlocks!

(laughter)

"And I didn't recognize her
on the elevator.

(laughter, applause)

And now she thinks
I'm a racist."

(whimpers)

(in normal voice):
Renita is in her office.

She is aware.

But she don't care!

(applause)

She ain't got time
to care.

'Cause she's composing
an email,

that she has now written
four times,

and had to delete, delete,
delete, delete, delete.

'Cause she was tellin'
the truth, but it's gonna
send her to HR.

(laughter, applause)

'Cause now she has to employ

that whole other language
that any black person

who is attempting to excel
in this country has had
to learn.

We all have had to learn
duality,

so that we can talk
on the block
and in the boardroom,

just to protect y'all.

(applause)

'Cause y'all done turned
passive-aggression

into a synonym
for professionalism!

(cheering)

So, Renita got to go,
delete, delete,
delete, delete, delete,

every time she write
that first line.

And we have all learned
this skill, so much so,

have you ever met
niggas in LA?

Them niggas talk like
a white woman ordering
at Starbucks.

(laughter)

Legit, okay? They sound like
Anthony Hopkins at McDonald's.

I mean, it is incredible.

They have perfected
their elocution.

I believe because the LAPD
has perfected its racism.

(audience members boo)

So it's a survival tactic.

I was walking down the street
one time,

and I heard a brother
behind me going,
"Excuse me, excuse me."

(laughter)

I turn around,
and see him going...

I'm like, "What
in the Oompa Loompa?"

And then I realize, I'm in LA.

He tryin' to hit his
gangsta pose.

But I keep walking,
so he keeps having
to recalibrate.

(laughter)

(sighs)

"Shit."

So I said, "Let me just let
this nigga live, man."

So I'm like, "What's up, playa?
What's up? What's that?"
And he said...

(in nerdy voice):
"First and foremost...

(laughter)

...you're an incredible
specimen of femininity."

I've never been
hollered at...

(laughter)

...in such a way.

(clears throat)

I was like, "Oh. Uh..."

"Okay."

And then I passed him
a copy of Shakespeare's
Julius Caesar.

He was like, "Oh."

(in nerdy voice):
"Friends, Romans,
country--

"Buntry men.

(laughter, applause)

Lend me your
motherfucking ears!"

But back to Renita,
and this email.

She at the computer, y'all.
She's stressed.

She wanna say...

"Why you not readin' my shit?"

But she can't say that.
So you know what she
has to say?

Delete, delete,
delete, delete.

(sighs)

"Per my previous email..."

(cheers, applause)

But there's a behavior
that white women and women
who happen to be white

are doing.

It's an infraction
that you're committing
on a regular basis

that all of us in here

would love for you
to stop doing.

It's plaguing offices
everywhere.

Please.

We beg of you.

Stop cc'ing all these
unnecessary people!

On these goddamned emails!

Stop!

Stop!

Why you sharin' on this
goddamned email?

She ain't got shit to do
with what we're doing
over here!

What you tryin' to do, Becky?
What you tryin' to do?

'Cause I got the receipts!
I got the receipts! Ah!

You ain't think I had that shit.
Well, niggas got me fucked up.

Ooh!

-♪ Ooh, niggas got me ♪
-Audience:
♪ Fucked up ♪

Audience:
♪ Not today, not the one ♪

Seales:
Exactly.

Shit.

Heh.

She ain't know I stay ready.

When you a black person
in any office, you stay ready.

'Cause you're always wondering,
"How black am I gon'
have to get?"

(laughter)

(chuckles)

And what that really means is,

you're going through
a series of checkpoints

on how you gon'
check somebody.

On a scale of Stacey Dash
to Nat Turner.

(laughter)

I was on a flight once,
and I was the only
black person on the flight.

No, I know. It was one of
those things where, like,

you don't really notice it,
like, you minding your own
business.

You like...

(laughter)

"How black am I gon'
have to get?"

'Cause you know something
was gonna go down, you know?

So I sit down in my seat.

And this couple
sits next to me.

I can tell immediately
that they're not
American white,

because American white
has a couple of washes.

It's a little dingy.

(laughter)

And these people looked
like they sprung forth
from an Alp...

singing "Frozen,"

skied down onto the tarmac
on a sleigh,

and then boarded
this flight.

We all know that
if you're in the aisle,

you can get up and sit down
as many times as you want.

You can go to the bathroom,
come back, it's fine. Whatever.
That's your aisle.

If you're in the middle seat,

I mean, you played yourself.
I don't know what you
was thinkin'.

This is silly.
You should have
thought earlier,

you should have booked faster.
I mean, this is foolish.

I can't promise you armrests.
I can't.

You need to sleep
on the tray table. Yep.

(laughter)

Compress.

If you at the windows...

you run the windows.

Okay? If there are
four windows here,

I run these windows.

These is my windows.

Everybody know that.

So we begin to taxi...

and it happened.

A hand...

reached across

my body...

(laughter)

...to close the window.

How black am I gon'
have to get?

(laughter, applause)

Now this is a good time
in the show for me
to share with you all...

that I am trans.

Trans-thug.

(laughter)

I was born in this body,

but within me, is Suge Knight.

(laughter)

So when that hand
reached across my body,

without even thinking
I was, like...

(laughter, applause)

Pass that shit back!

No joke.

She gon' get all huffy.
"Uh, eh, uh, uh, uh..."

(in whiny voice):
"I was just trying to close
my window."

Whose window?

Mm!

So I was like,
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."

I was really getting
revved up.

Really getting turnt, and...

(sighs) When I decided
how black I was gonna get,
I said, "You know what?"

"You ain't tryin' to get
on the no-fly list."

So, we're gonna
handle this...

um, at Michelle Obama
black.

They go low...

Audience:
We go high.

We go high.

I decided to...

dig into my

masters in African-American
studies from Columbia
University...

(cheering)

...that I am still paying for...

(laughter)

...and handle this
intellectually.

So I said, "You know,
ma'am,

"I think this is just
a cultural difference.

"Here in America...

"we are all about
personal space.

"And this...

"is my personal space.

And you invaded
my personal space."

That's when her little
boo-thing, Prince Harry,

gon' chime in.

"Ah-ah-ah-ah.
I think we can all agree..."

"You don't have to tell her
about personal space."

(in squeaky voice):
Ooh!

Okay, Prince Patrick.

Go ahead.

Now, I couldn't discern
what language they
were speaking,

but it sounded
something like this:

"Zu-ba-da-ba-da-ba-
la-ba-la... personal space."

"Za-ba-da-la-da-ba-
la-ba-la... okay."

So, you don't want me
to explain personal space.

But y'all don't even have
the words "personal space"

in your language!

(laughter, applause)

But I'm a peaceful soul.

So I say, "I'm gonna let them
have this."

So we took off.

Now, later on in the flight
when we began our
initial descent,

I was asleep.

But remember,
I'm a thug.

So I sleep with...

(audience members murmuring)

That's right.

One eye open.

So I hear Prince Richard...

say, "Ah-ah-ah! Can you please
close the window?"

And I awaken...

thinking he's speaking
to me.

When I realized, no!

He's addressing
a flight attendant.

Betrayal.

(laughter)

So I get turnt.
Oh, my God. I'm like, "Oh!

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

"Oh, oh! That's what we doing.

That's what we...
okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay."

Yeah, I was like,
"How black am I gon'
get?"

We about to be
Suge Knight Turbo
out here, all right?

You know how like,
when the Hulk turns green?

I started turning into
a red suit, okay?

A cigar starting forming
in his fingers, okay?

I was like,
"Oh, heeeell, no!"

"Oh, heeeell, no!
You wanna be with somebody

where the people
ain't in all the videos."
Like, it was really...

(laughter, applause)

It was about to go down.

But through my rage...

I thought I saw
an apparition.

And I realized,
no, no, no.

This is real.

I was wrong, y'all.

I wasn't the only
black person on that plane.

(cheers, applause)

And this wasn't just
a black flight attendant.

Y'all, this was
a nigga-ttendant.

(laughter)

He looked like
just the day before,

he was bouncin' at a strip club.

And he turned
to some stripper
and was like,

(in deep voice):
"I just wanna
see the world."

And she was like,
"Go and get yo' wings,
baby."

And here he was.

Tyrone.

The odds are high.

Flying the friendly skies.

So Prince Matthew
over here...

gon' ask again.
"Excuse me."

"Can you close
the window?"

And... (chuckles)

Tyrone and I...

exchanged that look.

That look that all
black people do...

when something so cauca-tious...

(laughter)

...is taking place

that we can't even
use words.

We must communicate

on a higher Vibranium level.

(laughter)

And a peace came over me.

'Cause in that look, I knew,

I didn't have to wonder
how black I was gon'
have to get.

Tyrone was black enough
for both of us.

When Prince William asked,
one more again...

"Excuse me.

Can you please
close the window?"

Tyrone said...

"Nah."

(laughter, applause)

(cheering)

Tyrone, Tyrone.

Niggas.

I love niggas.
I do, I do.
I love niggas.

People be like, "Amanda,
you always givin' niggas
a hard time.

You a man-basher."

I'm like, "Nah. I'm just
very particular

about my vagenda."

Your vagenda is a woman's list
of who could get it.

Okay? You got to be
particular.

Shit, I know I got to be
particular, because fuckin'
with me is a privilege.

(cheers, applause)

Also, I'm older now.

You understand? I'm grown.
I'm a grown-up woman.

When you grown,

you don't make mistakes.
You make choices.

That's why I'm lookin'
at every dick like the side
of a cereal box.

I wanna know your
nutritional value,
nigga.

Are you exceeding my
daily recommended dose
of fuck boy?

'Cause it's zero.

Got to be particular
about your vagenda.

And for the record,
as easy as it is
to get on a vagenda,

it's just as easy
to get struck
from a vagenda.

I had a nigga say to me,

"Yeah, my goal one day,

is to have a house
with no mirrors."

♪ What are we
talking about? ♪

What are we talking about?

What are we,
what are we...
talking about?

If your house ain't got
no mirrors,

how are me and LaTravious
gon' communicate?

And get my shit straight.
Struck from the vagenda.

(laughs)
Someone said,
"Oh, my God."

I know.

I had another...
(chuckles)

I had another dude tell me,
very nonchalantly,

"Yeah, Stevie Wonder's
just overrated."

(audience groans)

Sir!

I can't fuck you now!

"Ribbon in the Sky"
was on the playlist!

♪ Shoo-do-do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Struck from the vagenda ♪

Eh.

True story.

I had a man

say to me...

(laughs)

"Yeah, I don't fuck
with birds."

Now...

He had a good job.

He had a degree.

He owned a home.

So, I said, "Let me give him
the benefit of the doubt."

And I retorted...

"Oh, you mean like,
promiscuous women?

Birds."

And he said,

"Nah, like birds.
They be flyin' and shit.

"I don't fuck with birds."

What are we talking
about now?

Struck from the vagenda!

(laughs)

So you got to be careful.

You got to be careful
with who's on your vagenda.

Because the dick
can touch the "hort."

(laughter)

Now when a dick
touch the hort,

it means it has
affected you,

not just physically
but emotionally.

Okay? Now when you young,

and the dick touch the hort,
it ain't really that deep.

'Cause you was just happy
you got a period that
you know you don't deserve.

(laughter)

Reckless asses.

Reckless.

Again in a public restroom,
like,

"Yes, I'm still
in the game, niggas!

"I'm still in the game,
I'm still in the game!

"Ah!

"I'm still in the game!

I'm still in the game!"

Hallelu-hallelu!

My God knows me.
He knew I wasn't ready.

He knew I wasn't ready.

He knew I wasn't ready.

Thank you.
One more semester to go.

One more to go.

He knew, hallelu.
♪ Hallelu ♪

♪ All things bright
and beautiful ♪

♪ Hallelu ♪

That happened to me
in real life one time.

I was in a restroom,
and I was like, "Yes!"

And the woman in the stall
next to me went,

(in muffled voice):
"Do your thang, girl."

Okay.

(laughs)

You gotta be careful.

'Cause when you're older,
and the dick touch
the hort...

that shit'll rock you.

Okay? You got to go meditate.

You be like, "Damn.
This nigga done shifted
my chakras."

"Where are my crystals?"

So you don't want
that to happen
with the wrong person.

Okay?

Because when the dick
touch the hort,

you can get a nasty case
of STS.

Not STDs.

STS.

Some call it
"dick-whipped."

Some call it
"dick-matized."

I call it "sexually
transmitted stupidity."

(laughter)

Mm-hmm.

Yeeeees.

Because when the dick
touch the hort,

it can infect your intellect.

Have you just doing
dumb shit.

Like be at a nigga house,

and look down,

and there's a mattress
on the floor...

(laughter)

surrounded by Jordans,

like a moat,

protecting you from yourself.

Now you know you should
take yo' ass home.

'Cause this ain't no place
for a queen.

And if you're over 30,
this isn't even practical,

because your knees
and your back can't even...

What you gon' do
when you gotta go
to the bathroom

in the middle of the night?
You gotta stop, drop...

(laughter)

...and roll.

It don't make no sense.

It's ergonomically
not for you.

It's not for you.

But that STS, that
sexually transmitted
stupidity

will have you lookin'
at it like...

Negotiating.

(sighs)
Yeah.

It's worth it.

And now your ass is
on your stomach

gettin' hit from the back
with your forehead

four inches
from the ground.

Be careful.

Bap, bap, bap.

That ain't a hickey.
That's a bruise.

So, please...

Please! Protect your vagenda.

'Cause the dick
can touch the hort.

Now, men, you know
you're not exempt.

Okay? You're not exempt.

Because...

yes, the dick can touch
the hort,

but any woman
who knows her worth...

knows her power...

knows that
♪ Though the dick ♪

♪ Can touch the hort ♪

The pussy can
snatch the soul!

(cheering, applauding)

Thank you!

Stay blessed!
Holla! What up!

♪ Niggas got me fucked up ♪

Seales and audience:
♪ Niggas got me fucked up ♪

♪ Not today, not the one
Fucked up ♪

♪ Ooh, he's got me
fucked up ♪

♪ But I'm not the one ♪

Seales:
Y'all.

Thank you so much.

(cheering, applauding)

Some folks...

Some folks thought this
wasn't gonna happen,
but...

♪ You got the wrong one,
bitch ♪

Seales and audience:
♪ You got the wrong one ♪

♪ Say, you got the wrong one,
bitch ♪

♪ You got the wrong one ♪
Seales: Come on, choir!

Seales and audience:
♪ Say, you got the
wrong one, bitch ♪

♪ You got the wrong one ♪

♪ Say, you got the wrong one,
bitch ♪

♪ You got the wrong one ♪

Seales:
Thank you all so much!
Have a good night!

(cheering, applauding)