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1
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♪ I would like to leave this city
2
00:00:10,254 --> 00:00:15,203
♪ This old town don't smell
too pretty and
3
00:00:15,254 --> 00:00:18,644
♪ I can feel the warning signs
4
00:00:18,694 --> 00:00:22,926
♪ Running around my mind
5
00:00:23,734 --> 00:00:26,373
♪ So what do you say?
6
00:00:26,414 --> 00:00:30,692
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway
7
00:00:31,294 --> 00:00:34,764
♪ You're half the world away
8
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♪ Half the world away
9
00:00:39,574 --> 00:00:42,327
♪ Half the world away... ♪
10
00:01:03,534 --> 00:01:08,164
(AII singing in distance)
# De la la la, la la la
11
00:01:08,214 --> 00:01:10,364
♪ De la la la, la la la!
12
00:01:10,414 --> 00:01:14,043
♪ De la la la, de la la la! Oi!
13
00:01:14,094 --> 00:01:18,053
♪ De la la la, la la la!
De la la la, la la la! Oi!
14
00:01:18,094 --> 00:01:20,130
♪ De la la la! Oi!
15
00:01:20,174 --> 00:01:21,846
♪ De la la la
16
00:01:21,894 --> 00:01:25,853
♪ We're on our way to Wembley
We're on our way to Wembley
17
00:01:25,894 --> 00:01:29,250
♪ De la la la, de la la la!
18
00:01:29,294 --> 00:01:31,569
♪ - We're la la la la la!
- Hoy!
19
00:01:31,614 --> 00:01:32,967
♪ La la la la la la... ♪
20
00:01:33,014 --> 00:01:36,324
(Jim) Come on in.
Come on in to my mother's little home.
21
00:01:36,374 --> 00:01:39,764
Sit yourselves down.
Come on now, everybody.
22
00:01:39,814 --> 00:01:43,932
Make yourselves at home.
Sit yourselves down.
23
00:01:43,974 --> 00:01:45,965
Come on, everybody.
24
00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:50,089
Oh, Denise. Denise.
25
00:01:50,134 --> 00:01:53,444
What was that other little baby called
that was being christened?
26
00:01:53,494 --> 00:01:55,325
- Oh, erm... Britney.
- Britney.
27
00:01:55,374 --> 00:01:58,491
Aaw. Werert that other family
dead rough?
28
00:01:58,534 --> 00:02:00,252
(AIl) Ooh, yeah.
29
00:02:00,294 --> 00:02:02,888
That were a lovely service, though,
Barbara.
30
00:02:02,934 --> 00:02:05,607
I do like that man that did it, that vicar.
31
00:02:05,654 --> 00:02:07,007
Oooh!
32
00:02:07,054 --> 00:02:09,522
He were great at Elsie's funeral,
you know.
33
00:02:09,574 --> 00:02:11,405
That wasrt him, Mam.
34
00:02:11,454 --> 00:02:14,093
The vicar at Elsie's funeral
was Jamaican.
35
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,443
Oh, was he?
36
00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:26,494
Oh, Denise, wasrt Baby David lovely
when they put the water on his head?
37
00:02:26,534 --> 00:02:28,490
(AIl) Aaw, yeah!
38
00:02:28,534 --> 00:02:31,492
And he didn't cry or nothing, did he?
39
00:02:31,534 --> 00:02:33,525
Dave did, though.
40
00:02:33,574 --> 00:02:35,565
He cried buckets.
41
00:02:37,614 --> 00:02:41,209
Hey, Mam, what do you think
of Twiggy's new girlfriend?
42
00:02:41,254 --> 00:02:47,602
Oh, well, yeah, she seems all right.
It's nice to see him happy, irt it?
43
00:02:47,654 --> 00:02:50,009
- Well, I don't like her.
- Mam!
44
00:02:50,054 --> 00:02:55,048
I don't like her. I've seen plenty
of her type around the flats.
45
00:02:56,854 --> 00:03:01,245
So I said, "I wish my widget went off
every time someone pulled it."
46
00:03:02,574 --> 00:03:08,126
- D'you think your mum'd want any help?
- Don't be bloody daft. You go and relax.
47
00:03:08,174 --> 00:03:12,964
Here you are, Dave. Hey, we had a
bloody good drink at the Feathers, son.
48
00:03:13,014 --> 00:03:16,973
A bloody good drink there
for me little old grandson.
49
00:03:17,014 --> 00:03:19,323
Okey-dokey, now,
have you all got a drink?
50
00:03:19,374 --> 00:03:20,363
(Cheering)
51
00:03:20,414 --> 00:03:23,929
I want to make a little bit of an old toast
here. Have you all got a drink?
52
00:03:23,974 --> 00:03:26,124
(AIl) Yes! Wahey!
53
00:03:26,174 --> 00:03:30,247
Because this was paid for
out of my hard-earned bloody giro!
54
00:03:32,694 --> 00:03:34,969
There he is.
Where's Barbara now?
55
00:03:36,014 --> 00:03:40,326
Come on, Barbara. We're waiting
to wet the baby's bloody head here.
56
00:03:40,374 --> 00:03:43,047
Aah!
57
00:03:43,094 --> 00:03:46,530
There he is, me little grandson,
Billy Big Bonnet.
58
00:03:46,574 --> 00:03:50,203
- Come on, darling.
- OK now, boys and girls.
59
00:03:50,254 --> 00:03:53,929
First of all...
Come on, Twiggy. Hurry up, son.
60
00:03:53,974 --> 00:03:57,205
To my family, my friends,
61
00:03:57,254 --> 00:03:59,245
and my loved ones.
62
00:03:59,294 --> 00:04:01,285
Oh, and you, Norma.
63
00:04:08,254 --> 00:04:10,643
I would like to propose a toast
64
00:04:10,694 --> 00:04:12,685
to my one and only grandson.
65
00:04:13,534 --> 00:04:16,526
- Great grandson.
- All right, Norma, for God's sake.
66
00:04:16,574 --> 00:04:19,168
Here's to health, wealth,
future happiness,
67
00:04:19,214 --> 00:04:22,172
and hoping everything turns out well
for this fella,
68
00:04:22,214 --> 00:04:25,570
and that he makes a nice few bob
to look after his bloody grandad.
69
00:04:25,614 --> 00:04:30,483
I give you David Keanu Ronan Best.
70
00:04:30,534 --> 00:04:34,686
(AIl) To David Keanu Ronan Best.
71
00:04:34,734 --> 00:04:36,725
(Cheering)
72
00:04:37,774 --> 00:04:41,369
Go back to your bloody Da.
Take your shitty arse off me.
73
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:43,370
I'll put some house music on.
74
00:04:43,414 --> 00:04:46,963
- Oh, yes, James.
- A bit of house music, Joe.
75
00:04:47,014 --> 00:04:50,529
- Have you got your banjo?
- No, Barbara's hidden the bloody thing.
76
00:04:50,574 --> 00:04:52,132
(Barbara) Yes!
77
00:04:52,174 --> 00:04:55,883
- Here you are.
- (Lounge music)
78
00:04:55,934 --> 00:04:59,370
Can you take Baby David and take him
upstairs while we have a ciggy?
79
00:04:59,414 --> 00:05:00,847
- Yeah, yeah.
- Ta.
80
00:05:00,894 --> 00:05:02,373
Come on, you big boy.
81
00:05:02,414 --> 00:05:05,531
- Hello, baby.
- Aah!
82
00:05:05,574 --> 00:05:08,930
- Say bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.
83
00:05:08,974 --> 00:05:11,010
♪ Bye-bye, Baby David ♪
84
00:05:11,054 --> 00:05:13,284
- Come on.
- I'll come up with you.
85
00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:17,930
No, you don't. You sit where I can keep
me eye on you, you little old sexpot!
86
00:05:17,974 --> 00:05:19,965
(Raucous laughter)
87
00:05:21,894 --> 00:05:23,850
Old Lurky, the young...
88
00:05:30,494 --> 00:05:33,566
- Have I got any ciggies?
- I've just seen them. Here.
89
00:05:33,614 --> 00:05:38,085
- Oh, Barbara, I haven't told you, have I?
- Oh, what, Mary?
90
00:05:38,134 --> 00:05:41,490
Joe went to see a clairvoyant
in the precinct yesterday.
91
00:05:41,534 --> 00:05:47,086
She told him he'd find love in two days,
two weeks, two months or two years.
92
00:05:47,134 --> 00:05:50,570
- Isn't that marvellous?
- Aww, yeah.
93
00:05:50,614 --> 00:05:53,492
- That's wonderful news.
- It is, isn't it?
94
00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:55,525
Yeah.
95
00:05:55,574 --> 00:05:59,010
Mam, do you remember
when I went to see that clairvoyant?
96
00:05:59,054 --> 00:06:01,568
- Just before I met Dave.
- Oh, yeah.
97
00:06:01,614 --> 00:06:05,527
She told me I was going to be swept off
me feet by a tall, handsome stranger.
98
00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:07,565
- And who was it?
- (Both) Dave.
99
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,445
Aww, Dave.
100
00:06:13,494 --> 00:06:16,964
Aww. I mean, I'm always going on at him,
aren't I, Mam?
101
00:06:17,014 --> 00:06:18,925
- Yeah.
- But he is good, irt he, Mam?
102
00:06:18,974 --> 00:06:20,373
Ooh, yeah.
103
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:23,486
And do you know what he does for me
every morning, right?
104
00:06:23,534 --> 00:06:26,173
Well, he gets up,
he takes Baby David down.
105
00:06:26,214 --> 00:06:28,967
Then he brings me up a cup of tea
and he lights a ciggy,
106
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,323
and pops it in my mouth
while I'm still asleep.
107
00:06:31,374 --> 00:06:33,444
- Aww, does he?
- Yeah.
108
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,803
Ooh!
109
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:38,288
But Dave doesn't smoke, though,
does he?
110
00:06:38,334 --> 00:06:41,007
No, no, he can't. He's got asthma.
111
00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:43,045
(Cackling)
112
00:06:55,774 --> 00:06:57,765
(Mary) Oh, dear!
113
00:06:57,814 --> 00:06:59,805
(Continues cackling)
114
00:07:03,654 --> 00:07:07,169
(Twiggy) He said, "Smell it, missus,"
he said, "I'm sittir in it!"
115
00:07:07,214 --> 00:07:09,205
(Michelle laughing)
116
00:07:14,094 --> 00:07:19,248
'Ey, tricky bollocks, never mind
your jokes. Pass us one of them lagers.
117
00:07:19,294 --> 00:07:20,966
Hair of the dog, this.
118
00:07:21,014 --> 00:07:24,643
I tell you what,
I'm going to get absolutely rat-arsed.
119
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,173
So am I, kiddo.
120
00:07:26,214 --> 00:07:29,968
I tell you what, Twiggy,
she's a girl after me own heart, her.
121
00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:34,644
- Have you got any whisky here, Jim?
- No, love, feel free to go to the offy.
122
00:07:34,694 --> 00:07:36,685
Kiss me arse.
123
00:07:42,014 --> 00:07:45,211
Did you two... Did you go out last night?
124
00:07:45,254 --> 00:07:47,085
We had a few ales and then a ruby.
125
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:50,649
There was a bit of a to-do
with some lads who didn't want to pay.
126
00:07:50,694 --> 00:07:51,922
- Go away.
- Yeah.
127
00:07:51,974 --> 00:07:54,932
Anyway, Michelle steamed in
and sorted them out.
128
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,534
Farouk gave us free nans
and pompadoms, didn't he?
129
00:07:57,574 --> 00:08:00,850
Yeah. I tell you what,
I asked that Farouk for extra chillies.
130
00:08:00,894 --> 00:08:03,362
But this morning, urgh!
131
00:08:03,414 --> 00:08:06,212
Talk about a burning ring of fire!
132
00:08:08,334 --> 00:08:12,168
Talking of which,
I think I need the shithouse now.
133
00:08:12,214 --> 00:08:15,684
Heurgh! Tell you what, lad,
you've got yourself a bit of class there.
134
00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:19,807
I tell you, she doesn't half play
a good tune on the old flute.
135
00:08:21,014 --> 00:08:23,448
- Hey, all right, David?
- You all right, James?
136
00:08:23,494 --> 00:08:28,693
Hey, Dave, Farouk's got a little piccy of
you and Baby David up behind the bar.
137
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:32,568
In the Punjab Palace? Oh, yeah, I gave
him one last week when I was in there.
138
00:08:32,614 --> 00:08:35,412
And I gave one
to the bloke out of Balti Towers.
139
00:08:35,454 --> 00:08:39,003
And Gianni's Kebab House.
He's not put his up yet, though, Gianni.
140
00:08:39,054 --> 00:08:43,366
Bloody hell, why don't you have
a calendar made of you and Baby David?
141
00:08:43,414 --> 00:08:46,611
Hey hey,
he's got enough bloody outfits for it!
142
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:51,324
- Hey, Duckers was in the Punjab Palace.
- Was he?
143
00:08:51,374 --> 00:08:54,571
He's organising a big jolly-boys trip
to Amsterdam.
144
00:08:54,614 --> 00:08:57,686
- You know, for his stag do and that.
- Where is it?
145
00:08:57,734 --> 00:08:59,087
- Amsterdam.
- Oh.
146
00:08:59,134 --> 00:09:02,922
'Undred and forty-nine quid, all in.
Booze, travel, two nights, the lot.
147
00:09:02,974 --> 00:09:06,284
- Are you on for that, or what?
- I don't think I'll be able to.
148
00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:10,407
I've not left our Denise on her own
with Baby David for two whole days.
149
00:09:10,454 --> 00:09:14,003
- Bloody hell, Dave.
- Well, you could look after him, Jim.
150
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:17,490
Who do you think I am?
The bloody Kindergarten Cop?
151
00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:19,445
Son, get a grip of yourself.
152
00:09:19,494 --> 00:09:22,008
I don't think
I'll be able to go, then, Twiggy.
153
00:09:22,054 --> 00:09:26,445
Anyway, I've not left Baby David alone
on his own for a while, you know.
154
00:09:26,494 --> 00:09:30,009
You're probably right, son.
I don't think you should go.
155
00:09:30,054 --> 00:09:33,012
Baby David might think
he'd got no parents.
156
00:09:33,054 --> 00:09:36,330
Cos he hasn't got a bloody clue
who his mother is!
157
00:09:42,534 --> 00:09:45,685
♪ I want my mammy
158
00:09:45,734 --> 00:09:47,929
♪ My little ma... ♪
159
00:09:47,974 --> 00:09:51,853
We've got some sausage rolls
for the christening.
160
00:09:51,894 --> 00:09:53,885
(Both) Yeah.
161
00:09:54,894 --> 00:09:58,204
Denise, Baby David,
is he a bottle or a tit?
162
00:09:59,094 --> 00:10:01,483
Well, I did breast-feed him at first,
163
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:04,731
but then it was easier for Dave
to make up the bottles, you know.
164
00:10:04,774 --> 00:10:08,608
Oh, you shouldn't have bothered, love.
All four of mine were on the bottle.
165
00:10:08,654 --> 00:10:10,531
- Was they?
- Yeah.
166
00:10:10,574 --> 00:10:14,692
I was going to tit-feed Blaze,
but Social took her away.
167
00:10:14,734 --> 00:10:19,888
- Said I werert a fit mother.
- Oh, Michelle, that's terrible.
168
00:10:19,934 --> 00:10:23,244
Well, to be honest, Barb,
I wasrt a fit mother.
169
00:10:23,294 --> 00:10:26,252
I was very heavily on the piss at the time.
170
00:10:26,294 --> 00:10:29,092
But she had a great time
with her foster parents,
171
00:10:29,134 --> 00:10:32,012
so it worked out well on both sides,
really.
172
00:10:32,054 --> 00:10:33,851
Aww.
173
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:36,124
Yeah.
174
00:10:36,174 --> 00:10:38,972
So, are they all back with you now?
175
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:42,131
- Yeah.
- Aw, well, that's nice.
176
00:10:44,494 --> 00:10:48,567
- How old are they all?
- I haven't a frigging clue, love.
177
00:10:48,614 --> 00:10:52,607
As long as they're too young
to be prosecuted, I don't care!
178
00:10:58,134 --> 00:11:00,284
(Barbara) Ooh, Cheryl!
179
00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:02,325
Congratulations!
180
00:11:02,374 --> 00:11:05,650
(Denise) Oh, Cheryl,
I'm dead, dead, dead pleased.
181
00:11:05,694 --> 00:11:08,254
- Thanks, everybody.
- What's all this about?
182
00:11:08,294 --> 00:11:11,843
Oh, well, Cheryl went
to see a clairvoyant yesterday,
183
00:11:11,894 --> 00:11:16,604
and she said she'd find true love
in two days, two weeks,
184
00:11:16,654 --> 00:11:19,088
two months or two years.
185
00:11:19,134 --> 00:11:22,888
- Who told you this, Cheryl?
- Gemini Astrid, up the precinct.
186
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:24,925
- Gemini Astrid?
- Yeah.
187
00:11:24,974 --> 00:11:27,090
- For three quid?
- Yeah.
188
00:11:27,134 --> 00:11:31,286
She talks complete bollocks,
she does, love. Take no notice.
189
00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:33,290
(Whimpering)
190
00:11:33,334 --> 00:11:35,564
(Barbara) Oh, Cheryl.
191
00:11:35,614 --> 00:11:38,082
You found love and now you've lost it.
192
00:11:39,054 --> 00:11:43,286
Better to have loved and lost,
than never to have loved at all.
193
00:11:44,094 --> 00:11:46,244
Yeah.
194
00:11:47,094 --> 00:11:49,085
Yeah.
195
00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:08,612
Cheryl, do you want a sausage roll?
196
00:12:08,654 --> 00:12:10,724
Yeah, I will. Thanks, Barbara.
197
00:12:12,014 --> 00:12:14,130
What about Sarah?
198
00:12:14,174 --> 00:12:16,290
No. Sorry, Daz.
199
00:12:17,614 --> 00:12:19,570
What about Rebecca?
200
00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:21,809
No. Sorry.
201
00:12:21,854 --> 00:12:25,642
Look, none of her mates
want to go out with you, all right?
202
00:12:25,694 --> 00:12:29,733
I used to be your weight, Cheryl, but
I just went on one of them meat diets.
203
00:12:29,774 --> 00:12:34,450
Now, it does make your breath stink
like a pig's, but you do lose the weight.
204
00:12:34,494 --> 00:12:38,089
What are you now, love?
About 13, 14 stone?
205
00:12:39,254 --> 00:12:42,132
I dunno.
I haven't weighed meself in ages.
206
00:12:42,174 --> 00:12:44,529
What? Worried you'll break the scales?
207
00:12:46,214 --> 00:12:49,445
Michelle, don't be tight.
That was dead tight on Cheryl, that.
208
00:12:49,494 --> 00:12:53,169
Hey, Denise, didn't your Dave
used to go out with Beverley Macca?
209
00:12:53,214 --> 00:12:55,853
No. He only went out with her once.
210
00:12:56,534 --> 00:12:58,843
Come on, Cheryl, let's go in there.
211
00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:05,534
Oooh! Touched a nerve.
212
00:13:09,294 --> 00:13:13,526
Oh, Michelle, I think I have
one of your children in my class.
213
00:13:13,574 --> 00:13:15,485
- Are you a teacher?
- Yes.
214
00:13:15,534 --> 00:13:18,765
No, no, Mary, you're a dinner lady.
215
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:21,485
Oh, yes!
216
00:13:22,814 --> 00:13:24,532
Yes.
217
00:13:30,054 --> 00:13:32,363
I'm taking that home for me supper.
218
00:13:34,694 --> 00:13:36,650
Are you still widowed, Peter?
219
00:13:36,694 --> 00:13:39,413
Ah, yes, I am. She's still dead.
220
00:13:42,214 --> 00:13:44,205
That's my daughter there.
221
00:13:45,294 --> 00:13:49,333
- The big, fat one?
- Aye, that's the one. Cheryl.
222
00:13:50,374 --> 00:13:55,084
- 13 and a half stone, she is.
- I've never seen an arse as big as that.
223
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,649
No.
224
00:13:58,694 --> 00:14:00,571
You won't have done.
225
00:14:00,614 --> 00:14:04,323
I took a top back to Marks's. Arert they
supposed to give your money back?
226
00:14:04,374 --> 00:14:07,332
- Oh, yes. Yes, they are.
- Well, they wouldn't, right?
227
00:14:07,374 --> 00:14:09,092
I got them to bring their manager.
228
00:14:09,134 --> 00:14:13,412
And I just said, "Hey, you..."
(BIows raspberry)... and walked off.
229
00:14:14,214 --> 00:14:18,127
- They're ignorant bastards at Marks's.
- What was wrong with it, Michelle?
230
00:14:18,174 --> 00:14:22,452
Nothing. Not a thing.
It just had a tiny ciggy burn in it.
231
00:14:23,174 --> 00:14:26,962
They wouldn't have noticed if the cashier
hadrt held it up to the light.
232
00:14:28,614 --> 00:14:31,128
What's that old bag in there
called again?
233
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,165
That's me mam.
234
00:14:36,134 --> 00:14:38,125
Old bag?
235
00:14:43,094 --> 00:14:45,085
Hey hey hey!
236
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,523
(Stereo plays Sinatra: Come Fly With Me)
237
00:14:49,934 --> 00:14:55,372
- How are you, Mary? You all right?
- Fine, thank you. Fine, thanks, Dave.
238
00:14:55,414 --> 00:14:59,771
Oh, Dave, I do love the farmyard
you made for Baby David.
239
00:14:59,814 --> 00:15:03,329
- Do you, Mary?
- Oh, I do, Dave. I do. It's beautiful.
240
00:15:03,374 --> 00:15:06,332
It reminds me
of being back home in Ireland.
241
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:10,086
Does anyone else want to see
Baby David's farmyard?
242
00:15:10,134 --> 00:15:12,045
- Where is it?
- In the back of the van.
243
00:15:12,094 --> 00:15:14,688
You make sure
you keep the bloody back doors shut.
244
00:15:14,734 --> 00:15:18,613
We don't want them sheep getting out
all over the bloody road, do we, Joe?
245
00:15:19,654 --> 00:15:21,451
Hey-hey!
246
00:15:23,974 --> 00:15:26,363
All this fuss over the bloody farmyard!
247
00:15:26,414 --> 00:15:28,689
Every day, it's farmyard this
and farmyard that.
248
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:32,124
It's only plywood with
balls of cotton wool stuck on the bugger.
249
00:15:32,174 --> 00:15:33,971
Sheep, my arse!
250
00:15:34,654 --> 00:15:39,045
Anyway, I'm off to shake hands
with the one-eyed milkman. Wahey!
251
00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:44,442
- Are you all right, PJ?
- Yeah.
252
00:15:44,494 --> 00:15:48,009
Have you sorted out that problem
on your upstairs landing yet?
253
00:15:48,054 --> 00:15:50,727
- No.
- PJ, what is the problem?
254
00:15:50,774 --> 00:15:52,765
Stinks of piss.
255
00:15:52,814 --> 00:15:54,805
(Chortling)
256
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:58,043
Ooh, Darren! Oh, that looks lovely.
257
00:16:00,894 --> 00:16:03,283
Ooh, Mary, I'm going to have a ciggy.
258
00:16:04,614 --> 00:16:07,174
He's looking a lot better, though, PJ,
irt he?
259
00:16:07,214 --> 00:16:10,012
- He's not as yellow as he was, Barbara.
- No.
260
00:16:10,054 --> 00:16:14,445
Oh, but isn't it awful about him
living in those conditions, Barbara?
261
00:16:14,494 --> 00:16:16,928
Well, it is his own piss, Mary.
262
00:16:16,974 --> 00:16:19,044
Is it? The dirty dog!
263
00:16:19,094 --> 00:16:21,608
And he's sitting right next to the buffet.
264
00:16:22,534 --> 00:16:24,047
(Michelle laughing)
265
00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,970
(Sinatra) # You make me feel
as though spring has sprung...
266
00:16:29,014 --> 00:16:31,482
(Michelle cackling)
267
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,092
(As Ali G) So, Darren.
268
00:16:33,134 --> 00:16:36,843
(As Ali G) What do you think of
the Michelle, Twiggy's new punani?
269
00:16:36,894 --> 00:16:39,772
- She's a bit rough, irt she?
- Yeah, yeah.
270
00:16:39,814 --> 00:16:43,045
- Me dad calls her Borstal Bill.
- Aaw.
271
00:16:43,094 --> 00:16:47,565
(As Jim) 'Ey, Borstal Bill! Urgh! Urgh!
272
00:16:47,614 --> 00:16:49,332
Eurgh, Borstal Bill!
273
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:55,088
Borstal Bill. Eurgh, rough, daft, eurgh...
274
00:16:56,574 --> 00:16:58,565
(Michelle shrieking with laughter)
275
00:17:09,614 --> 00:17:13,846
Hey, Emma, is there anyone round your
way that wants to buy a DVD player?
276
00:17:13,894 --> 00:17:17,409
- No, no, I don't think so.
- Is it any good?
277
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:21,652
It hasn't got any leads round the back,
but they're dead easy to get hold of.
278
00:17:21,694 --> 00:17:23,685
Nah, you're all right.
279
00:17:25,614 --> 00:17:28,082
How about a radio-cassette?
280
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:29,852
No.
281
00:17:38,694 --> 00:17:40,685
Hello.
282
00:17:40,734 --> 00:17:43,931
Are you still awake,
you naughty little boy?
283
00:17:45,294 --> 00:17:50,084
Hey, you might be a Best by name,
but you're a Royle, you are.
284
00:17:50,134 --> 00:17:52,443
You know that, don't you?
285
00:17:52,494 --> 00:17:55,691
I've got lots of little things planned
for me and you.
286
00:17:55,734 --> 00:17:58,043
Me and you in the Feathers
when you're 18,
287
00:17:58,094 --> 00:18:00,244
buying your old grandad a pint.
288
00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:03,722
There'll be times
you're on the bones of your arse,
289
00:18:03,774 --> 00:18:06,652
but we'll always be there for you.
290
00:18:06,694 --> 00:18:10,448
Hey, you've got a great mam and dad,
you know.
291
00:18:11,774 --> 00:18:15,289
I know your dad
isn't the brightest lamp in the street,
292
00:18:15,334 --> 00:18:18,963
and your mam wants a firework
up her arse every now and again.
293
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:21,244
But they love you, Baby David.
294
00:18:22,614 --> 00:18:27,369
You're lovely. One day
you might be centre forward for England.
295
00:18:27,414 --> 00:18:33,489
People'll say, "Do you remember Georgie
Best? What about Baby David Best?"
296
00:18:35,254 --> 00:18:38,769
Oh, God, we do.
We all love you, you know, Baby David.
297
00:18:39,454 --> 00:18:41,445
(Farts)
298
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:44,166
Naughty grandad's trump.
299
00:18:44,214 --> 00:18:46,205
Oh, that stinks!
300
00:18:47,414 --> 00:18:49,484
I'll leave that one with you.
301
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:51,525
See you after.
302
00:18:51,574 --> 00:18:53,565
We love you, Baby David.
303
00:18:53,614 --> 00:18:56,253
God bless you. Ta-ra, son.
304
00:18:57,254 --> 00:19:00,246
- I've got a Dualit toaster for 30 quid.
- No.
305
00:19:01,654 --> 00:19:05,283
Can you get one of them little laptops
that links up to the internet?
306
00:19:05,334 --> 00:19:08,007
- Why, do you want one?
- Yeah, I do.
307
00:19:08,054 --> 00:19:10,522
Oh, I could definitely get you
one of them, then.
308
00:19:10,574 --> 00:19:11,893
- Can you?
- Yeah.
309
00:19:11,934 --> 00:19:15,483
- Where from?
- Don't worry. That's for me to know.
310
00:19:17,734 --> 00:19:20,612
- Your brother gonna rob one, then?
- Yeah.
311
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:24,685
(Mary and Norma laughing)
312
00:19:29,134 --> 00:19:31,443
Oh, I do love the gays, Mary.
313
00:19:31,494 --> 00:19:34,088
I do love the gays.
314
00:19:34,134 --> 00:19:36,284
Ooh, and do you know,
315
00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:41,089
I hadrt actually met one until 1987.
316
00:19:41,134 --> 00:19:43,364
And which one was it that you met?
317
00:19:43,414 --> 00:19:46,406
It was Moira's son, Gary.
318
00:19:46,454 --> 00:19:50,652
He went to work in Brighton,
and he came back as one.
319
00:19:50,694 --> 00:19:52,730
- Didrt he, Barbara?
- Who did, Mam?
320
00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:54,685
Moira's son, Gary,
321
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:56,531
went to Brighton
322
00:19:56,574 --> 00:19:58,769
and came back a gay.
323
00:19:58,814 --> 00:20:00,805
(Barbara) Oh, yes!
324
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,202
Ah, but he's lovely.
325
00:20:04,254 --> 00:20:07,929
He's very effeminate, but he's lovely.
326
00:20:09,094 --> 00:20:12,052
He... He calls him his partner.
327
00:20:12,094 --> 00:20:15,530
But we know he's his boyfriend!
328
00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:22,654
Ooh, dear!
329
00:20:22,694 --> 00:20:24,969
Apparently,
330
00:20:25,014 --> 00:20:28,450
Michael Barrymore is one sometimes.
331
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,485
Ooh!
332
00:20:33,094 --> 00:20:34,891
Mary,
333
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:37,846
what do they actually do?
334
00:20:37,894 --> 00:20:41,250
And it took two of us
to lift the fridge-freezer out.
335
00:20:41,294 --> 00:20:43,444
Then we stopped for dinner,
336
00:20:43,494 --> 00:20:45,610
and I had chips,
337
00:20:45,654 --> 00:20:47,531
peas, and a pudding.
338
00:20:47,574 --> 00:20:50,884
(Denise) Hey, Dave, what're you doing?
339
00:20:50,934 --> 00:20:53,243
Just talking to Baby David.
340
00:20:55,574 --> 00:20:58,611
I never know what to talk to him about.
341
00:20:58,654 --> 00:21:01,214
Well, I talk to him about work.
342
00:21:01,254 --> 00:21:03,688
You know, removals-wise.
343
00:21:04,414 --> 00:21:06,405
What can I talk to him about?
344
00:21:08,094 --> 00:21:13,851
Well, you could talk to him about Trisha,
or Kilroy, or Richard And Judy.
345
00:21:14,734 --> 00:21:16,884
- Or Esther.
- Or Esther.
346
00:21:16,934 --> 00:21:20,085
- Or Ricki Lake.
- Or Ricki Lake.
347
00:21:21,334 --> 00:21:24,451
See, you've got loads
to talk to him about.
348
00:21:24,494 --> 00:21:26,450
Oh. Yeah.
349
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:27,893
Come on, Barb.
350
00:21:27,934 --> 00:21:30,209
Our party piece!
351
00:21:30,254 --> 00:21:33,530
♪ I know that some day
352
00:21:33,574 --> 00:21:38,284
♪ You'll want me to want you
353
00:21:38,934 --> 00:21:41,767
♪ When I'm in love
354
00:21:41,814 --> 00:21:46,604
♪ With somebody new
355
00:21:47,574 --> 00:21:51,453
- # You expect me to be true
- Come on, Lurky!
356
00:21:51,494 --> 00:21:55,487
♪ And keep on loving you
- (Antony playing spoons)
357
00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:59,652
♪ Although I'm feeling blue
358
00:22:00,294 --> 00:22:03,206
♪ You think I can't forget you
359
00:22:03,254 --> 00:22:05,688
♪ Until some day
360
00:22:05,734 --> 00:22:10,683
♪ You'll want me to want you
361
00:22:10,734 --> 00:22:13,612
♪ When I'm in love
362
00:22:13,654 --> 00:22:19,604
- # With somebody new
- Whoopeedoo, whoopeedoo!
363
00:22:19,654 --> 00:22:24,284
♪ Although you don't want me now
364
00:22:24,334 --> 00:22:26,689
♪ I'll get along somehow
365
00:22:26,734 --> 00:22:32,491
♪ And then I won't want you
366
00:22:32,534 --> 00:22:34,604
All together!
367
00:22:34,654 --> 00:22:37,726
♪ I know that some day
368
00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:42,529
♪ You'll want me to want you
369
00:22:42,574 --> 00:22:45,293
♪ When I'm in love
370
00:22:45,334 --> 00:22:50,727
- # With somebody new
- (Michelle cackling)
371
00:22:50,774 --> 00:22:55,370
- # You expect me to be true
- (Jim) All together, come on!
372
00:22:55,414 --> 00:22:58,963
♪ And keep on loving you
373
00:22:59,014 --> 00:23:03,087
♪ Although I'm feeling blue
374
00:23:03,134 --> 00:23:06,285
♪ You know I won't forget you
375
00:23:06,334 --> 00:23:08,894
♪ Until some day
376
00:23:08,934 --> 00:23:13,689
♪ You'll want me to want you
377
00:23:13,734 --> 00:23:16,692
♪ When I'm in love
378
00:23:16,734 --> 00:23:21,444
♪ With somebody new
379
00:23:22,414 --> 00:23:26,930
♪ Although you don't want me now
380
00:23:26,974 --> 00:23:29,329
♪ I'll get along somehow
381
00:23:29,374 --> 00:23:35,609
♪ And then I won't want you ♪
382
00:23:35,654 --> 00:23:37,451
Hooray!
383
00:23:38,094 --> 00:23:40,085
Baby David!
384
00:23:40,134 --> 00:23:42,125
(Cheering and whistling)
385
00:23:45,294 --> 00:23:47,285
(Jim) Baby David!
386
00:23:49,174 --> 00:23:51,165
(Lively music on stereo)
387
00:23:51,214 --> 00:23:54,445
- Oooh, PJ! Hey hey!
- Come on, PJ!
388
00:24:03,014 --> 00:24:04,447
Go on, PJ!
389
00:24:44,974 --> 00:24:46,965
He loves this song.
390
00:24:51,974 --> 00:24:53,930
(# Radiohead: No Surprises)
391
00:24:53,974 --> 00:24:56,807
(Humming introduction)
392
00:24:56,854 --> 00:24:59,607
♪ Do do do do, do do
393
00:24:59,654 --> 00:25:01,645
♪ Do do, do do
394
00:25:07,214 --> 00:25:09,523
See? You are a good mother.
395
00:25:17,534 --> 00:25:21,925
- # Do do, do do
- # A heart that's full up
396
00:25:21,974 --> 00:25:26,729
♪ Like a landfill
397
00:25:26,774 --> 00:25:28,765
- (Baby David chortling)
- # Ajob that...
398
00:25:28,814 --> 00:25:32,568
♪ slowly kills you... ♪
399
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:35,048
(Barbara) Denise! Dave!
400
00:25:35,094 --> 00:25:39,531
Ooh, come down. Our Antony's
got an important announcement.
401
00:25:39,574 --> 00:25:41,565
- What?
- Ooh.
402
00:25:51,854 --> 00:25:55,403
(AIl) # And if I can make it there
403
00:25:55,454 --> 00:25:59,811
♪ I'll make it anywhere
404
00:25:59,854 --> 00:26:02,163
♪ It's up to you
405
00:26:02,214 --> 00:26:04,728
♪ New York
406
00:26:04,774 --> 00:26:09,404
♪ New Y-o-o-o-o-r-k
407
00:26:09,454 --> 00:26:12,491
♪ Da-da da-ra-ra, da-da da-ra-ra
408
00:26:12,534 --> 00:26:14,923
♪ Da da da da!
409
00:26:16,694 --> 00:26:17,888
(Jim) Hey-hey!
410
00:26:17,934 --> 00:26:22,246
♪ New York, New York!
411
00:26:22,294 --> 00:26:25,604
♪ I want to wake up
412
00:26:25,654 --> 00:26:31,490
- # In the city that never sleeps
- # And never dreams
413
00:26:31,534 --> 00:26:35,368
♪ And find I'm king of the roost
414
00:26:35,414 --> 00:26:37,803
♪ Top of the heap
415
00:26:37,854 --> 00:26:40,493
♪ King of the hill
416
00:26:40,534 --> 00:26:43,765
♪ Head of them all
417
00:26:43,814 --> 00:26:47,523
- Aye-aye?
- Ssh, ssh, everybody!
418
00:26:47,574 --> 00:26:50,805
Our Antony's
got a little announcement to make.
419
00:26:50,854 --> 00:26:53,368
(Jim) Ooh, it's not a job offer,
is it, Lurky?
420
00:26:53,414 --> 00:26:57,293
- Wahey!
- Shut up, Jim. Let him say it.
421
00:26:57,334 --> 00:26:59,290
Well, go on, Lurky. Get on with it.
422
00:26:59,334 --> 00:27:02,246
Erm... Well...
423
00:27:02,294 --> 00:27:05,331
Well, erm... You see...
424
00:27:05,374 --> 00:27:08,650
Me and Emma, we're getting engaged.
425
00:27:08,694 --> 00:27:10,446
(Cheering)
426
00:27:18,254 --> 00:27:21,803
- Not pregnant, are you, Emma?
- Course she bloody is!
427
00:27:21,854 --> 00:27:24,288
♪ So what do you say?
428
00:27:24,334 --> 00:27:29,044
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway
429
00:27:29,094 --> 00:27:32,723
♪ You're half the world away
430
00:27:33,294 --> 00:27:37,082
♪ Half the world away
431
00:27:37,534 --> 00:27:40,492
♪ Half the world away
432
00:27:41,174 --> 00:27:46,487
♪ I've been lost, I've been found
but I don't feel down
433
00:27:47,174 --> 00:27:50,883
♪ No, I don't feel down
434
00:27:51,294 --> 00:27:55,048
♪ No, I don't feel down
435
00:27:55,694 --> 00:27:58,003
♪ No, I don't feel down ♪
436
00:28:12,094 --> 00:28:15,848
♪ I would like to leave this city
437
00:28:15,894 --> 00:28:20,604
♪ This old town don't smell
too pretty and
438
00:28:20,654 --> 00:28:24,408
♪ I can feel the warning signs
439
00:28:24,454 --> 00:28:28,163
♪ Running around my mind
440
00:28:29,214 --> 00:28:31,853
♪ So what do you say?
441
00:28:31,894 --> 00:28:36,570
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway
442
00:28:36,614 --> 00:28:39,924
♪ You're half the world away
443
00:28:41,134 --> 00:28:43,967
♪ Half the world away... ♪
444
00:28:45,694 --> 00:28:49,130
♪ Happy birthday to you
445
00:28:49,214 --> 00:28:52,729
♪ Happy birthday to you
446
00:28:52,774 --> 00:28:57,529
♪ Happy birthday, Baby David
447
00:28:57,574 --> 00:29:01,692
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
448
00:29:07,054 --> 00:29:08,851
OK, that's enough celebration.
449
00:29:08,894 --> 00:29:11,089
Lurch! Shift your arse up to bed.
Come on.
450
00:29:11,134 --> 00:29:13,329
(Barbara) Jim, it's Christmas Day!
451
00:29:13,374 --> 00:29:17,003
- Come on, birthday boy.
- Come here, Baby David.
452
00:29:17,054 --> 00:29:19,932
- Say bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.
453
00:29:20,614 --> 00:29:23,208
Bye-bye, Baby David.
454
00:29:23,694 --> 00:29:25,650
Bye-bye, Baby David.
455
00:29:26,654 --> 00:29:28,804
Bye-bye, Baby David.
456
00:29:28,854 --> 00:29:31,493
(Slurring) Bye-bye, Baby David.
457
00:29:31,534 --> 00:29:33,252
(Animal Hospital theme on TV)
458
00:29:33,294 --> 00:29:35,364
Bye-bye, Daby Babid.
459
00:29:39,334 --> 00:29:41,609
- You all right, Nan, there?
- Yes, love.
460
00:29:41,654 --> 00:29:44,327
I'm gonna clear up later.
Let's have a ciggy.
461
00:29:44,374 --> 00:29:46,330
Yeah.
462
00:29:48,774 --> 00:29:51,334
- Here you are, love.
- Oh, ta.
463
00:29:52,494 --> 00:29:54,610
- Denise?
- Yeah?
464
00:29:56,294 --> 00:29:59,013
Do you think they'll want to sit down
or stand up?
465
00:30:00,014 --> 00:30:02,289
Well, remember, they are vegetarians.
466
00:30:02,334 --> 00:30:04,564
So... they'll probably want to sit down.
467
00:30:04,614 --> 00:30:06,570
(Barbara) Oh, yeah.
468
00:30:08,254 --> 00:30:11,485
I've done tinned salmon
and some hard-boiled eggs.
469
00:30:11,534 --> 00:30:13,604
What else do they eat, Denise?
470
00:30:14,374 --> 00:30:17,491
You could make turkey sandwiches
for everyone.
471
00:30:17,534 --> 00:30:20,571
Then they can just
take the turkey out themselves.
472
00:30:20,614 --> 00:30:22,605
Ooh, yeah.
473
00:30:23,574 --> 00:30:26,088
(Jim) What are you
going to all that trouble for?
474
00:30:26,134 --> 00:30:28,523
They're only popping in
for ten bloody minutes.
475
00:30:28,574 --> 00:30:32,362
- Jim, I'm only doing a finger buffet.
- Oh, finger, my arse!
476
00:30:32,414 --> 00:30:34,405
Oh!
477
00:30:37,774 --> 00:30:41,892
Hey hey! You havir that, Dave?
Finger my arse!
478
00:30:41,934 --> 00:30:44,448
Good one, that, James.
479
00:30:44,494 --> 00:30:48,885
'Ey, we don't want any of that talk
when Emma's mam and dad are here.
480
00:30:48,934 --> 00:30:52,324
(Man on TV) We saw it swimming
underneath the bridge, just there.
481
00:30:52,374 --> 00:30:54,808
And I realised it was a seal.
482
00:30:54,854 --> 00:30:57,163
(Rolf) Rhodri Williams takes up the story.
483
00:30:57,214 --> 00:30:59,523
The seals attracted quite a crowd.
484
00:30:59,574 --> 00:31:03,931
As night approached,
they seemed to be getting sorted.
485
00:31:03,974 --> 00:31:05,965
The RSPCA were worried by now.
486
00:31:06,014 --> 00:31:10,007
I joined Inspector Dave Fox
when he came to take a closer look at it.
487
00:31:10,054 --> 00:31:12,204
Ooh!
488
00:31:12,254 --> 00:31:16,133
Somebody's brought Baby David
200 Benson.
489
00:31:16,174 --> 00:31:18,563
(Denise) Oh, yeah. That was Cheryl.
490
00:31:19,374 --> 00:31:22,684
She asked what she should get him,
and I said Bensons.
491
00:31:22,734 --> 00:31:24,725
- Aw.
- Yeah.
492
00:31:25,974 --> 00:31:31,526
Aw, just think, Denise. This time
last year, you were pushing him out.
493
00:31:31,574 --> 00:31:34,805
- Who?
- Baby David.
494
00:31:34,854 --> 00:31:38,369
- Oh, yeah.
- Aah!
495
00:31:38,414 --> 00:31:41,212
- What's the next step?
- I don't want to leave him.
496
00:31:41,254 --> 00:31:43,927
He's in a pretty vulnerable position here.
497
00:31:43,974 --> 00:31:47,410
So what we'll do is,
we'll take him out to Putney,
498
00:31:47,454 --> 00:31:49,331
and get the vet to have a look at him.
499
00:31:49,374 --> 00:31:52,571
And then we'll see about
getting him to either Norfolk or...
500
00:31:52,614 --> 00:31:54,684
I do like this top, Denise.
501
00:31:54,734 --> 00:31:56,725
- Do you?
- Yeah.
502
00:31:56,774 --> 00:31:59,493
- Baby David bought it me.
- Did he?
503
00:31:59,534 --> 00:32:01,126
Well, I say he bought it.
504
00:32:01,174 --> 00:32:03,972
I took the money
out of his post office account.
505
00:32:04,014 --> 00:32:06,892
But I'll put it back again
when I'm straight, you know.
506
00:32:06,934 --> 00:32:11,246
Yeah. How much has he got left
in there now?
507
00:32:11,294 --> 00:32:17,290
Well, what with the expensive Christmas
and, you know, my highlights, nothing.
508
00:32:17,334 --> 00:32:19,325
Oh.
509
00:32:20,934 --> 00:32:23,129
What did you get him for Christmas?
510
00:32:23,174 --> 00:32:26,166
- Dave made him something. Didrt you?
- Yeah.
511
00:32:26,214 --> 00:32:28,774
- Did you, Dave?
- (Jim) Have you, lad?
512
00:32:28,814 --> 00:32:33,365
Yeah, I made him a garage
out of one of Denise's old shoe boxes.
513
00:32:33,414 --> 00:32:38,169
And I used a couple of her old heated
rollers, you know, for the car wash.
514
00:32:38,214 --> 00:32:41,047
Oh, Dave, you're dead handy, aren't you?
515
00:32:41,094 --> 00:32:43,813
(Jim) Dead bloody tight!
516
00:32:45,214 --> 00:32:50,732
I also made him a couple of petrol
pumps out of some old matchboxes.
517
00:32:50,774 --> 00:32:54,323
- It's even got unleaded!
- Ooh!
518
00:32:54,374 --> 00:32:57,252
- You've got to, for the environment.
- Yeah.
519
00:32:58,134 --> 00:33:01,171
- I put a diesel pump in there, as well.
- Did you?
520
00:33:01,214 --> 00:33:04,047
Mmm. You know, for diesel cars.
521
00:33:04,094 --> 00:33:07,848
- (Barbara) Ooh.
- And trucks. And lorries.
522
00:33:07,894 --> 00:33:11,011
And types of tractors that use diesel.
523
00:33:11,054 --> 00:33:14,649
All right, Dave! We get the bloody idea
about the diesel. Bloody hell!
524
00:33:16,134 --> 00:33:21,288
Why didn't you make a little terror to rob
the cars, while they're in there paying?
525
00:33:26,454 --> 00:33:29,764
- Right, he's gone to sleep.
- Aw.
526
00:33:31,974 --> 00:33:36,013
Aw, Darren, thanks for that car stereo.
527
00:33:36,054 --> 00:33:39,967
You couldn't nick us a bloody car
to go with it, could you, son?
528
00:33:43,294 --> 00:33:48,891
Oh, Darren, I bet you're thinking
about your brother today, aren't you?
529
00:33:48,934 --> 00:33:52,131
- Do they get a Christmas meal inside?
- I don't know, Barbara.
530
00:33:52,174 --> 00:33:55,450
Oh. Don't they get Christmas leave,
Darren?
531
00:33:55,494 --> 00:33:58,770
He was offered it, but he wanted
to stay in prison with his mates.
532
00:33:58,814 --> 00:34:04,252
Ooh! Imagine spending
Christmas Day inside, Darren.
533
00:34:05,374 --> 00:34:09,128
Do you know, some people
don't celebrate Christmas at all.
534
00:34:09,174 --> 00:34:11,165
What? Like me dad?
535
00:34:14,494 --> 00:34:15,563
Wahey!
536
00:34:15,614 --> 00:34:16,603
Boo!
537
00:34:18,494 --> 00:34:22,533
Why didn't you have your Christmas
dinner in your own home, Darren?
538
00:34:22,574 --> 00:34:26,249
- Oh, Mam!
- Me mum's still poorly.
539
00:34:26,294 --> 00:34:30,082
- Me dad couldn't be arsed.
- Savir his money, more bloody like it!
540
00:34:30,134 --> 00:34:31,806
(Barbara) How is your mam?
541
00:34:31,854 --> 00:34:33,970
- Is she still on sick leave?
- Yeah.
542
00:34:34,014 --> 00:34:36,084
Aw. Has she had any visitors?
543
00:34:36,134 --> 00:34:38,125
Only the bailiffs!
544
00:34:39,374 --> 00:34:42,332
You're probably better off here,
then, son.
545
00:34:42,374 --> 00:34:44,729
Yeah, there's nowt to sit on
at our house.
546
00:34:44,774 --> 00:34:46,526
Hey, I'll soon get that sorted.
547
00:34:46,574 --> 00:34:51,329
I've got a mate at DFS, but they're shut
now. I'll have to wait till after Christmas.
548
00:34:51,374 --> 00:34:53,330
Where's your dad sitting, then?
549
00:34:53,374 --> 00:34:55,365
In the pub.
550
00:34:59,934 --> 00:35:03,563
Ooh, we are still coming to yours
for Boxing Day, aren't we, Denise?
551
00:35:03,614 --> 00:35:05,411
I'm really looking forward to it.
552
00:35:05,454 --> 00:35:10,323
It'll be the first time we've ever done
something like that on Boxing Day.
553
00:35:11,134 --> 00:35:14,285
The thing is, I haven't really had time
to get anything in.
554
00:35:14,334 --> 00:35:17,167
(Barbara) Shall I do something
and bring it round?
555
00:35:17,214 --> 00:35:19,933
(Denise) Yeah, yeah.
556
00:35:19,974 --> 00:35:23,444
Actually, that's a right load
of messing about.
557
00:35:23,494 --> 00:35:26,725
I think it'd be better for you
if we all came here again.
558
00:35:26,774 --> 00:35:29,766
- Is that all right, Mam?
- Yeah.
559
00:35:29,814 --> 00:35:32,089
Bloody hell!
560
00:35:33,774 --> 00:35:35,765
- (Doorbell)
- (AII gasp)
561
00:35:36,814 --> 00:35:40,090
Lurch, come on, son,
answer the bloody door!
562
00:35:40,134 --> 00:35:42,204
(Jim) Leave them there, Barb.
563
00:35:47,014 --> 00:35:50,211
(Antony) Hello, Em. Merry Christmas.
(Emma) Merry Christmas.
564
00:35:50,254 --> 00:35:53,246
- Hello, Valerie.
- Happy Christmas, Antony.
565
00:35:53,294 --> 00:35:55,603
- Hello, Antony. All the best, mate.
- Hiya.
566
00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:57,884
(AIl) Hiya!
567
00:35:57,934 --> 00:36:01,131
This is my mum, Valerie.
568
00:36:01,174 --> 00:36:03,768
Mum, this is Mr and Mrs Royle,
Jim and Barbara.
569
00:36:03,814 --> 00:36:06,089
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Jim.
570
00:36:06,134 --> 00:36:08,170
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Barbara.
571
00:36:08,214 --> 00:36:10,853
- And this is my dad, Roger.
- Hello, Roger.
572
00:36:10,894 --> 00:36:12,532
- Hello, Jim.
- Hello, Roger.
573
00:36:12,574 --> 00:36:13,723
Hello, Barbara.
574
00:36:13,774 --> 00:36:16,527
- This is Denise and David.
- Hello, Valerie.
575
00:36:16,574 --> 00:36:18,371
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Roger.
576
00:36:18,414 --> 00:36:20,370
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Valerie.
577
00:36:20,414 --> 00:36:22,211
- Hello, David.
- Hello, Roger.
578
00:36:22,254 --> 00:36:24,848
- Hello, David.
- That's Nana over there.
579
00:36:25,494 --> 00:36:27,803
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Nana.
580
00:36:27,854 --> 00:36:29,845
Hello, Roger.
581
00:36:29,894 --> 00:36:32,454
- Hello, Nana.
- And this is Darren.
582
00:36:32,494 --> 00:36:34,325
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Darren.
583
00:36:34,374 --> 00:36:36,330
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Darren.
584
00:36:36,374 --> 00:36:39,047
(Barbara) Ooh, isn't this lovely?
585
00:36:40,694 --> 00:36:44,448
Oh, can I take your coat, Valerie?
Antony, get Roger's.
586
00:36:45,294 --> 00:36:47,046
- Sorry.
- You all right, mate?
587
00:36:48,894 --> 00:36:50,885
Cheers.
588
00:36:50,934 --> 00:36:52,970
- Is it real leather, Valerie?
- Yeah.
589
00:36:53,014 --> 00:36:55,812
Ooh. Well, come on, then.
Come and sit down.
590
00:36:55,854 --> 00:36:58,812
Come on, everybody.
Jim, put some music on.
591
00:36:58,854 --> 00:37:00,572
Jim. Jim!
592
00:37:00,614 --> 00:37:02,605
All right, Barb. Bloody hell.
593
00:37:03,854 --> 00:37:08,644
- Can I sit next to Valerie?
- Yes. Do you want to sit there, Valerie?
594
00:37:08,694 --> 00:37:10,332
- You sit there, Mam.
- Ta, love.
595
00:37:10,374 --> 00:37:12,683
Denise, will you help me with that?
596
00:37:12,734 --> 00:37:15,771
- There you go, Jim.
- Ooh, lovely. Bottle of Moet.
597
00:37:15,814 --> 00:37:19,693
There you go, Dave.
Hide that till the bugger's gone.
598
00:37:21,334 --> 00:37:24,371
- (Jim) You having a cig, Rog?
- Yeah, might as well.
599
00:37:24,414 --> 00:37:26,370
(# Wonderful Christmas Time on stereo)
600
00:37:26,414 --> 00:37:30,168
- I have a friend called Valerie.
- Oh, have you?
601
00:37:30,214 --> 00:37:32,284
Sadly, she's been sectioned.
602
00:37:32,334 --> 00:37:34,894
♪ We're here tonight
603
00:37:34,934 --> 00:37:36,925
♪ And that's enough... ♪
604
00:37:38,054 --> 00:37:40,443
Your Roger's a big, fat lad, irt he?
605
00:37:42,054 --> 00:37:46,764
♪ Simply having
a wonderful Christmas time ♪
606
00:37:49,414 --> 00:37:52,531
- Would you like a hard-boiled egg?
- Oh, thanks.
607
00:37:52,574 --> 00:37:55,452
- What about you, Jim? What do you do?
- Oh, I was laid off.
608
00:37:55,494 --> 00:37:58,804
Bloody Thatcher, wasrt it?
You know the game.
609
00:37:58,854 --> 00:38:02,290
The next think I knew,
I was on my way to the bloody dance.
610
00:38:02,334 --> 00:38:04,325
What dance was that?
611
00:38:04,374 --> 00:38:06,365
The redun-dance!
612
00:38:09,814 --> 00:38:11,805
The redun-dance!
613
00:38:13,694 --> 00:38:17,209
Since then,
I haven't had a single bloody offer.
614
00:38:17,254 --> 00:38:20,087
- So you've applied for stuff?
- What's the use at my age?
615
00:38:20,134 --> 00:38:22,090
I'm on the scrapheap, aren't I?
616
00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:26,047
I did have a little overnight security job,
but, well...
617
00:38:26,094 --> 00:38:30,246
I got caught on camera, sleeping,
so I couldn't even bloody deny it.
618
00:38:30,294 --> 00:38:32,489
Right.
619
00:38:32,534 --> 00:38:34,809
Mmm. And I do love to work,
you know, lad.
620
00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:36,845
Whoo, I'm a bloody grafter!
621
00:38:36,894 --> 00:38:39,283
Anyone round here'll tell you that.
622
00:38:41,134 --> 00:38:44,809
- Hey, I'm always looking for blokes...
- No, no, no, you're all right.
623
00:38:44,854 --> 00:38:49,006
I've got far too much to do now, what
with Barbara working and a big family.
624
00:38:49,054 --> 00:38:51,614
Well, you know what it's like, Rog.
625
00:38:52,574 --> 00:38:54,849
Come on, everybody.
Time for crackers.
626
00:38:54,894 --> 00:38:56,930
- Ooh!
- Antony, Emma!
627
00:38:56,974 --> 00:38:58,965
Darren! Come on, crackers!
628
00:38:59,014 --> 00:39:04,247
Who do you want to pull your cracker
with? Do you want to pull it with Darren?
629
00:39:04,294 --> 00:39:07,127
No! I don't want
to pull me cracker with Darren.
630
00:39:07,174 --> 00:39:11,452
- Who do you want to pull it with, then?
- Well, I was hoping for Valerie.
631
00:39:11,494 --> 00:39:14,486
Oh. Yeah, well, pull it with Valerie, then.
632
00:39:15,294 --> 00:39:17,444
You two can pull yours together.
633
00:39:17,494 --> 00:39:20,372
Barbara,
who am I going to pull my cracker with?
634
00:39:20,414 --> 00:39:23,167
Well, with Denise, Dave. She is your wife.
635
00:39:25,174 --> 00:39:28,052
Roger, do you mind pulling yours
with Jim?
636
00:39:28,094 --> 00:39:29,083
Oh, right, yeah.
637
00:39:29,134 --> 00:39:33,810
Can't we just pull the bloody thing?
This bloody Christmas, it's a racket!
638
00:39:33,854 --> 00:39:35,367
You're right there, mate.
639
00:39:35,414 --> 00:39:38,087
Darren, you haven't got anyone
to pull yours with.
640
00:39:38,134 --> 00:39:41,968
(Jim) Darren can pull his own.
He's used to that.
641
00:39:42,014 --> 00:39:44,369
(Jim) You havir that, Davey?
642
00:39:45,174 --> 00:39:49,406
Ooh, Darren, you can pull yours with me.
Now, is everybody ready?
643
00:39:49,454 --> 00:39:51,445
Right. Everybody? Ready?
644
00:39:52,134 --> 00:39:53,567
Right.
645
00:39:53,614 --> 00:39:55,172
Three...
646
00:39:55,214 --> 00:39:56,488
two...
647
00:39:56,534 --> 00:39:58,252
one... pull.
648
00:39:58,294 --> 00:40:00,285
(Barbara laughing)
649
00:40:01,374 --> 00:40:03,444
Ooh!
650
00:40:06,174 --> 00:40:08,130
Ooooh!
651
00:40:08,174 --> 00:40:10,290
(Dave) Barbara, can I have that box?
652
00:40:10,334 --> 00:40:14,771
- Yeah. What for, Dave?
- I want to make Baby David an ice rink.
653
00:40:14,814 --> 00:40:16,293
(Barbara) Aw!
654
00:40:19,334 --> 00:40:20,847
Valerie, hat!
655
00:40:22,894 --> 00:40:25,647
- Roger, hat!
- Oh, right.
656
00:40:29,974 --> 00:40:32,647
Valerie's got the same colour as me.
657
00:40:32,694 --> 00:40:34,093
Yeah.
658
00:40:34,134 --> 00:40:36,125
(Barbara) Isn't that lovely?
659
00:40:38,214 --> 00:40:40,933
Mum? Can we go in the kitchen
for a ciggy?
660
00:40:40,974 --> 00:40:42,965
Yeah, course. Off you go.
661
00:40:51,174 --> 00:40:53,165
God, Emma, I'm sorry about me dad.
662
00:40:53,214 --> 00:40:55,409
No, God, I'm sorry about my dad.
663
00:40:58,974 --> 00:41:00,965
I'm sorry about my dad, then.
664
00:41:01,814 --> 00:41:03,805
- (Snorting)
- What?
665
00:41:06,454 --> 00:41:11,084
We've looked at a little terrace for Emma
and Antony for when the baby's born.
666
00:41:11,134 --> 00:41:14,444
Roger and I thought, you know,
we could all chip in.
667
00:41:14,494 --> 00:41:16,724
(Spluttering) Well...
668
00:41:16,774 --> 00:41:20,972
All chip in for a terraced house?
Bloody hell, you're joking, aren't you?
669
00:41:21,014 --> 00:41:23,528
They can have Denise's old room.
Bloody hell!
670
00:41:23,574 --> 00:41:26,930
We can pay for it, but we don't
want you to think we're taking over.
671
00:41:26,974 --> 00:41:30,523
Oh, no, no, you take over
as much as you want, love.
672
00:41:30,574 --> 00:41:34,453
(Roger) I'm thinking we should have
the baby delivered privately.
673
00:41:34,494 --> 00:41:36,644
The NHS just churn anything out.
674
00:41:36,694 --> 00:41:39,606
Well, Denise and Dave went NHS
for little Baby David.
675
00:41:39,654 --> 00:41:42,532
So, well, I've got no complaints
about the NHS.
676
00:41:42,574 --> 00:41:45,884
We'll pay for it. You just want the best
for your kids, don't you?
677
00:41:45,934 --> 00:41:48,164
Oh, yeah, I totally bloody agree with you.
678
00:41:48,214 --> 00:41:51,092
The NHS has gone
completely down the bloody pan.
679
00:41:51,134 --> 00:41:55,605
We're talking about a newborn baby
here, not a bag of bloody crisps.
680
00:41:56,734 --> 00:41:59,771
(Impersonating Craig from Big Brother)
Er... this week I'd like to er...
681
00:41:59,814 --> 00:42:02,487
nominate... er... Sada.
682
00:42:04,534 --> 00:42:06,047
Wahey!
683
00:42:06,094 --> 00:42:08,085
Sada.
684
00:42:09,054 --> 00:42:11,443
He's class. Sad-a.
685
00:42:11,494 --> 00:42:14,645
Oh, yes,
I've gone from a B to a D, Barbara.
686
00:42:14,694 --> 00:42:17,162
- What's she had done?
- Implants, Nana.
687
00:42:17,214 --> 00:42:21,492
Ooh, are you all right,
sitting in that hard-backed chair, Valerie?
688
00:42:21,534 --> 00:42:23,525
- Oh, yes.
- Oh.
689
00:42:24,174 --> 00:42:26,893
(Barbara) Oh, they're lovely, Valerie.
690
00:42:27,814 --> 00:42:31,568
Jim, don't Valerie's implants look lovely?
691
00:42:32,414 --> 00:42:34,928
They're great, them, Valerie.
692
00:42:39,054 --> 00:42:41,363
Lovely, them, Valerie.
693
00:42:41,414 --> 00:42:42,449
Dave?
694
00:42:42,494 --> 00:42:45,452
- Mm?
- Arert they lovely?
695
00:42:46,654 --> 00:42:49,566
Yeah, they're smashing, them... er...
696
00:42:49,614 --> 00:42:52,003
two, Valerie.
697
00:42:52,054 --> 00:42:56,445
Oh, Valerie, Mary next door
will be really sick she's missed 'em.
698
00:42:56,494 --> 00:43:00,123
- I got her them for Christmas, you know.
- Oh, well done.
699
00:43:00,174 --> 00:43:02,290
She didn't want them.
She wanted a Dyson.
700
00:43:02,334 --> 00:43:06,122
- Oh, well, I'd love a Dyson.
- I'd love a Dyson.
701
00:43:06,174 --> 00:43:08,130
Actually, I did get a Dyson as well.
702
00:43:08,174 --> 00:43:10,369
(Cries of amazement)
703
00:43:10,414 --> 00:43:15,613
Oh, Valerie, what a Christmas!
Implants and a Dyson!
704
00:43:15,654 --> 00:43:21,172
It was in the paper about a woman who
had implants. She went on an aircraft.
705
00:43:21,214 --> 00:43:24,889
And her implants blew up the aircraft!
706
00:43:24,934 --> 00:43:29,644
No, they didn't blow up the plane, Mam.
They just popped out of her bra.
707
00:43:31,374 --> 00:43:33,330
Valerie, Valerie...
708
00:43:33,374 --> 00:43:38,004
Did they say anything about aircraft
when they installed your implants?
709
00:43:38,614 --> 00:43:40,570
No.
710
00:43:40,614 --> 00:43:44,084
Barbara, didn't Elsie next door
have implants?
711
00:43:44,134 --> 00:43:46,170
- No, eggplants, Mam.
- Oh.
712
00:43:47,214 --> 00:43:52,766
Erm... Valerie, I wanted to have a breast
reduction, but Dave wouldn't let me.
713
00:43:53,614 --> 00:43:56,606
Well, he works long hours, Denise.
714
00:43:56,654 --> 00:43:59,214
- Be fair.
- Yeah.
715
00:44:01,774 --> 00:44:04,732
(Barbara) You're lovely and slim, Valerie.
716
00:44:04,774 --> 00:44:07,004
Irt she, Denise? Lovely and slim!
717
00:44:07,054 --> 00:44:10,091
Oh, yeah, Valerie.
You're lovely and slim, Valerie.
718
00:44:10,134 --> 00:44:12,932
Roger treated me to liposuction
for my birthday.
719
00:44:12,974 --> 00:44:15,169
- I had my thighs and my tummy done.
- Oooh!
720
00:44:15,214 --> 00:44:17,330
Ooh! Liposuction!
721
00:44:17,374 --> 00:44:22,732
- Oh, I'd love liposuction.
- Oh, yeah, I'd love liposuction.
722
00:44:22,774 --> 00:44:24,332
(Norma) So would I.
723
00:44:24,374 --> 00:44:26,968
What is it exactly, Valerie?
724
00:44:27,014 --> 00:44:30,484
A technique where they suck out
the fatty deposits in your body.
725
00:44:30,534 --> 00:44:36,131
Oh! Think of Cheryl next door. She could
do with some liposuction, couldn't she?
726
00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:39,325
You could always borrow
Valerie's Dyson!
727
00:44:41,734 --> 00:44:44,726
Are you having that one, David?
Are you?
728
00:44:50,174 --> 00:44:52,324
He's class. Sad-a!
729
00:44:52,374 --> 00:44:56,731
(Normal accent) This week,
I would like to nominate er... Sarder.
730
00:44:57,774 --> 00:44:59,765
(Barbara) I tell you what, Valerie.
731
00:44:59,814 --> 00:45:02,931
If you want to nip into the bakery
where I work,
732
00:45:02,974 --> 00:45:07,604
I'll slip you a couple of ice fingers
for free. It's what I do for Mary.
733
00:45:07,654 --> 00:45:10,248
I charge her for two, but I give her four.
734
00:45:11,854 --> 00:45:16,325
It's stealing, really, but well,
it's only ice fingers, irt it?
735
00:45:20,054 --> 00:45:22,522
Have you got a nice house, Valerie?
736
00:45:22,574 --> 00:45:24,929
Oh, yeah, it's lovely.
737
00:45:24,974 --> 00:45:28,728
We're in the middle of building
a little annexe to put my mother in.
738
00:45:28,774 --> 00:45:31,527
(Gasps of amazement)
739
00:45:33,774 --> 00:45:37,289
- You ever been on a cruise, Jim?
- Erm... Oh, no, no, no.
740
00:45:37,334 --> 00:45:39,245
We're going on a cruise this year.
741
00:45:39,294 --> 00:45:41,046
- Bloody hell.
- (Barbara) Roger!
742
00:45:41,094 --> 00:45:45,133
Takes in all the Med,
then we jump on the Orient Express.
743
00:45:45,174 --> 00:45:47,449
- Ever been on the Orient Express, Jim?
- No.
744
00:45:47,494 --> 00:45:50,964
(Norma) Oh, there's a lot of murders
on the Orient Express.
745
00:45:51,014 --> 00:45:54,131
You want to watch it on that.
Irt that right, Barbara?
746
00:45:54,174 --> 00:45:58,292
- What?
- There's murders on the Orient Express.
747
00:45:59,654 --> 00:46:02,851
- Ever dabble on the stock market, Jim?
- No, no.
748
00:46:03,694 --> 00:46:05,810
What a very easy way
to make a lot of money!
749
00:46:05,854 --> 00:46:08,163
Once, I made more in a day
than I made in a year.
750
00:46:08,214 --> 00:46:10,205
(Gasps of amazement)
751
00:46:11,734 --> 00:46:15,329
- Ever heard of the Masons, Jim?
- The Masors Arms!
752
00:46:15,374 --> 00:46:18,332
No, the Freemasons.
Hey, it comes in handy.
753
00:46:18,374 --> 00:46:22,492
I had a court case. I took it to the lodge
and the police evidence disappeared.
754
00:46:22,534 --> 00:46:25,651
Bloody hell, Dave!
Darren should join the bloody Masons!
755
00:46:28,974 --> 00:46:32,410
Tell you what. Valerie, you organise this.
We'll get 'em on the boat.
756
00:46:33,734 --> 00:46:37,647
- It's a 42-footer, you know.
- (Dave whistling)
757
00:46:37,694 --> 00:46:39,889
(Dave) Has it got a toilet?
758
00:46:41,014 --> 00:46:42,413
She got two.
759
00:46:42,454 --> 00:46:44,172
(Emphatic wolf whistle)
760
00:46:44,214 --> 00:46:48,207
That's great, because
my hovercraft's still being repaired.
761
00:46:49,014 --> 00:46:52,290
Hey, I'm only from a place like this.
I'm a self-made man.
762
00:46:52,334 --> 00:46:54,529
Wasrt my mam's place as bad as this?
763
00:46:54,574 --> 00:46:57,168
I mean, I didn't have a pot to piss in, me.
764
00:46:57,214 --> 00:46:59,205
And look at me now.
765
00:47:04,534 --> 00:47:06,172
(Scouse accent) Sada!
766
00:47:06,214 --> 00:47:07,647
- Sade.
- Sada.
767
00:47:07,694 --> 00:47:09,446
- Sade.
- Nominate Sada.
768
00:47:09,494 --> 00:47:11,485
Nominate Sade.
769
00:47:13,334 --> 00:47:16,087
- Do you like football, Jim?
- Oh, I love it.
770
00:47:16,134 --> 00:47:18,932
- I've got a box at Old Trafford.
- Get away!
771
00:47:18,974 --> 00:47:22,762
And I've got one at Maine Road. I do
some of my best deals in them boxes.
772
00:47:22,814 --> 00:47:24,964
Ooh!
773
00:47:26,974 --> 00:47:29,932
Do you know who we see a lot of,
socially?
774
00:47:29,974 --> 00:47:31,327
Joe Longthorne.
775
00:47:31,374 --> 00:47:33,524
(AII gasp)
776
00:47:33,574 --> 00:47:37,567
I mean, I don't care for him much, me.
He's a bit of a show-off.
777
00:47:37,614 --> 00:47:41,163
(Dave whistling) Joe Longthorne!
778
00:47:45,174 --> 00:47:47,768
Do you get up to the Lake District much,
Jim?
779
00:47:47,814 --> 00:47:50,044
Not that lately.
780
00:47:50,094 --> 00:47:52,892
We've got what I call our second home,
you know.
781
00:47:52,934 --> 00:47:55,004
It's more of a country retreat, really.
782
00:47:55,054 --> 00:47:57,932
(Barbara) Have you, Roger?
A country retreat!
783
00:47:57,974 --> 00:47:59,965
Oooh!
784
00:48:07,654 --> 00:48:10,373
Valerie, would you like a snowball?
785
00:48:10,414 --> 00:48:11,972
Oh, no, thanks.
786
00:48:12,014 --> 00:48:15,404
Oh, can I have another snowball,
Barbara?
787
00:48:15,454 --> 00:48:18,651
- With a bit of brandy in it.
- Right.
788
00:48:18,694 --> 00:48:22,528
Barbara, I'd like more brandy
than snowball, please.
789
00:48:25,814 --> 00:48:28,965
Oh, yeah, show Darren that tummy scan.
790
00:48:29,014 --> 00:48:31,369
- Oh, yeah.
- Show you something, mate.
791
00:48:31,414 --> 00:48:33,405
Look at that.
792
00:48:34,334 --> 00:48:36,404
It's top, innit?
793
00:48:36,454 --> 00:48:38,445
Yeah, it's top, that, mate.
794
00:48:40,374 --> 00:48:42,012
What is it?
795
00:48:42,054 --> 00:48:44,090
It's a scan of the baby. Here.
796
00:48:45,174 --> 00:48:47,165
Oh... oh, right.
797
00:48:47,214 --> 00:48:49,011
And there's its head.
798
00:48:49,054 --> 00:48:51,045
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah.
799
00:48:52,534 --> 00:48:54,889
Hey, I think it's a boy, Ant.
800
00:48:54,934 --> 00:48:57,732
- No, that's its leg.
- Oh. Oh, right.
801
00:48:59,974 --> 00:49:02,283
- Em...
- Oh, yeah. Erm...
802
00:49:02,334 --> 00:49:07,283
Actually, Darren, me and Antony
had something we wanted to ask you.
803
00:49:07,334 --> 00:49:09,564
We'd like you to be the godfather.
804
00:49:11,134 --> 00:49:13,443
- If that's all right.
- Me?
805
00:49:17,934 --> 00:49:20,129
- Really?
- Yeah.
806
00:49:20,174 --> 00:49:22,165
- Is that all right?
- Yeah.
807
00:49:22,214 --> 00:49:24,523
- (Repressed sobbing)
- Aw, mate!
808
00:49:25,414 --> 00:49:30,807
Absolutely made up. I am. Nobody's
ever asked me to do anything like this.
809
00:49:30,854 --> 00:49:33,084
- Aw, mate.
- Oh, Daz.
810
00:49:33,134 --> 00:49:35,443
No, it'd be an honour, mate.
811
00:49:40,774 --> 00:49:43,368
- Cheers, Emma.
- It's all right.
812
00:49:43,414 --> 00:49:45,848
Cheers, Antony.
813
00:49:45,894 --> 00:49:47,885
Cheers, mate.
814
00:49:48,854 --> 00:49:50,970
You're going to be the godfather.
815
00:49:51,014 --> 00:49:53,084
I'm going to be your godfather.
816
00:49:54,414 --> 00:49:57,212
Like er... Don Darren.
817
00:49:57,254 --> 00:49:59,893
I made you an offer you couldn't refuse.
818
00:50:03,814 --> 00:50:06,123
I'm absolutely made up. I really am.
819
00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:09,245
Yes!
820
00:50:10,814 --> 00:50:13,123
- There's the Jag, Jim. See it?
- Mm.
821
00:50:13,174 --> 00:50:14,846
See the numberplate, ROG1?
822
00:50:14,894 --> 00:50:16,885
(Whistling)
823
00:50:16,934 --> 00:50:20,609
- Bloody lovely, that, lad.
- It's just a runabout, really.
824
00:50:20,654 --> 00:50:23,805
I've got a classic Aston Martin
in the garage at home.
825
00:50:23,854 --> 00:50:27,244
It's just a bit of a toy, really,
but it's nice to have, innit?
826
00:50:27,294 --> 00:50:29,444
Too bloody true, it is, lad, yeah.
827
00:50:31,854 --> 00:50:35,767
Do you know, I stay at a lot of hotels?
I'm away on various jobs.
828
00:50:35,814 --> 00:50:38,328
You know the first thing I do, Jim?
829
00:50:38,374 --> 00:50:42,367
I check in and then I pop upstairs
and I check the old TV.
830
00:50:43,214 --> 00:50:46,331
- You know what I mean?
- Too right, Rog, yeah.
831
00:50:46,374 --> 00:50:49,810
Know what I watched the other night?
I went to one of them lap dancing clubs.
832
00:50:49,854 --> 00:50:53,210
- What are they like, then?
- You pay a tenner and you see the lot.
833
00:50:53,254 --> 00:50:56,451
- A tenner?
- Yeah, but you can't touch, like.
834
00:50:56,494 --> 00:50:58,689
- A tenner and you can't touch?
- No.
835
00:50:58,734 --> 00:51:02,010
Can you keep
your hands in your pockets?
836
00:51:02,054 --> 00:51:04,852
Shh! And I've got this woman
I see in Hale, right?
837
00:51:04,894 --> 00:51:09,365
She calls herself a stress manager.
You know what I'm saying?
838
00:51:09,414 --> 00:51:11,405
She specialises in Masons.
839
00:51:11,454 --> 00:51:13,445
She does all of us.
840
00:51:14,494 --> 00:51:16,371
Oh, Jim, she knows some tricks.
841
00:51:16,414 --> 00:51:19,372
She does things to me
that Valerie couldn't even dream of.
842
00:51:19,414 --> 00:51:21,405
Go 'way!
843
00:51:22,854 --> 00:51:26,642
She lets me do things to her you
wouldn't even do to a farmyard animal!
844
00:51:26,694 --> 00:51:29,811
Come on, Rog, come on!
You're havir me on.
845
00:51:29,854 --> 00:51:31,810
Roger...
846
00:51:31,854 --> 00:51:34,926
I made a farmyard for Baby David.
847
00:51:34,974 --> 00:51:36,965
Bloody hell, Dave!
848
00:51:41,214 --> 00:51:45,492
I'll start robbing now from Mothercare
so it's all ready for him when he's born.
849
00:51:45,534 --> 00:51:49,766
- Nice one. Cheers, mate.
- Emma, your mam and dad are going.
850
00:51:49,814 --> 00:51:52,282
Ant, will you get Roger's coat, love?
851
00:51:52,334 --> 00:51:56,122
Oh, Emma, she's just lovely, your mam.
852
00:51:57,054 --> 00:52:00,046
- Here you are, Valerie.
- Oh, thanks.
853
00:52:00,094 --> 00:52:03,530
Oh, it's been really, really lovely
meeting you both.
854
00:52:03,574 --> 00:52:04,802
And you.
855
00:52:04,854 --> 00:52:08,290
Ooh, we'll all have to come
to your house next time.
856
00:52:08,334 --> 00:52:10,450
Thanks, Antony.
857
00:52:10,494 --> 00:52:13,327
- Do you like this coat, Jim?
- Bloody smasher, that.
858
00:52:13,374 --> 00:52:16,366
- Not much change out of a grand, these.
- (Whistling)
859
00:52:16,414 --> 00:52:19,451
It's been lovely having you, young man.
God bless you.
860
00:52:19,494 --> 00:52:22,691
It's great when two families
get on so well. Thank you, Emma.
861
00:52:22,734 --> 00:52:24,406
- All the best.
- You take care.
862
00:52:24,454 --> 00:52:28,367
Thank you, Valerie.
All the best, love. All the best, now.
863
00:52:31,934 --> 00:52:34,289
- All the best.
- See you, pal.
864
00:52:34,334 --> 00:52:37,406
- See you, Emma.
- See you, Roger. Take care.
865
00:52:39,294 --> 00:52:41,683
Ta-ra, Emma, love.
866
00:52:41,734 --> 00:52:43,725
All the best, Rogie!
867
00:52:44,494 --> 00:52:46,962
(Stereo) #... Christmas
868
00:52:47,014 --> 00:52:51,485
♪ Just like the ones I used to know ♪
869
00:52:51,534 --> 00:52:53,604
Eurgh! He's a bigheaded get, him!
870
00:52:53,654 --> 00:52:57,727
It'll take him ten minutes to get in the car
with his bloody big head!
871
00:52:57,774 --> 00:53:01,926
His house, his car and his bloody yacht.
Even his poor, bloody wife!
872
00:53:01,974 --> 00:53:05,171
And I tell you what. I'd love to meet
bloody Joe Longthorne.
873
00:53:05,214 --> 00:53:08,445
- But as for you, Dave Best!
- What?
874
00:53:08,494 --> 00:53:13,614
You were all over him like a bloody rash,
you lanky, whiffling-arsed nose licker!
875
00:53:13,654 --> 00:53:15,804
- I'm going upstairs.
- What for?
876
00:53:15,854 --> 00:53:21,292
What for? To check the helicopter pad
for his next flying bloody visit!
877
00:53:21,334 --> 00:53:25,043
♪... Christmas card I write
878
00:53:25,094 --> 00:53:27,164
♪ May your days... ♪
879
00:53:27,214 --> 00:53:30,445
Don't you know, Roger?
I kiss your bloody arse, Roger!
880
00:53:32,694 --> 00:53:34,252
Hey, all right, cocker, eh?
881
00:53:34,294 --> 00:53:36,649
I wish I'd bloody well stayed here
with you,
882
00:53:36,694 --> 00:53:40,243
instead of downstairs with
big-gob Humpty Dumpty head Roger!
883
00:53:40,294 --> 00:53:42,250
Are you having this, Baby David?
884
00:53:42,294 --> 00:53:47,004
He's got a bloody yacht, a bloody Aston
bloody Martin, a bloody big house.
885
00:53:47,054 --> 00:53:50,490
He's got a box at Man United,
a box at bloody Manchester City.
886
00:53:50,534 --> 00:53:54,243
And he's got a lovely tart out in Hale,
and what have I got?
887
00:53:54,294 --> 00:53:59,209
I've got absolutely bloody nothing!
We haven't even got a bloody Dyson!
888
00:53:59,254 --> 00:54:03,884
No one would have loved to have got
implants for Barbara more than me.
889
00:54:03,934 --> 00:54:06,653
I'd have got so much enjoyment
out of them.
890
00:54:06,694 --> 00:54:08,810
But what have I got? Bloody nothing!
891
00:54:08,854 --> 00:54:12,813
Nothing, and never have had. Havert
got two halfpennies to rub together.
892
00:54:12,854 --> 00:54:15,209
I'm always bloody skint, I always will be.
893
00:54:15,254 --> 00:54:18,485
Where did it all go wrong, Baby David?
894
00:54:18,534 --> 00:54:20,445
Eurgh... grrrr!
895
00:54:20,494 --> 00:54:22,724
Isn't she lovely, Valerie?
896
00:54:22,774 --> 00:54:24,765
Oh, yeah.
897
00:54:25,814 --> 00:54:28,726
- She's beautiful, Valerie, irt she?
- Yeah.
898
00:54:28,774 --> 00:54:30,765
Mmm.
899
00:54:31,574 --> 00:54:33,883
- Barbara?
- Mmm?
900
00:54:33,934 --> 00:54:38,644
Barbara, do you know
who Valerie reminds me of?
901
00:54:38,694 --> 00:54:40,685
No, who, Mam?
902
00:54:40,734 --> 00:54:41,962
Me.
903
00:54:54,614 --> 00:54:56,605
Hmm.
904
00:54:56,654 --> 00:54:59,043
- Ooh, Denise.
- Hmm?
905
00:54:59,094 --> 00:55:02,848
- How the other half live!
- Mm.
906
00:55:04,054 --> 00:55:07,490
Arert you lucky, Ant, eh?
Marrying into that lot.
907
00:55:09,454 --> 00:55:11,251
Yeah.
908
00:55:14,654 --> 00:55:18,567
Mam, does Dad still think
we haven't got him a present this year?
909
00:55:18,614 --> 00:55:20,605
Yeah.
910
00:55:20,654 --> 00:55:22,645
(Footsteps on stairs)
911
00:55:25,014 --> 00:55:27,482
(TV)... an enormous duvet
wrapped around them.
912
00:55:27,534 --> 00:55:29,570
And when they lie down in the snow,
913
00:55:29,614 --> 00:55:32,333
it doesn't even melt the snow they lie on.
914
00:55:32,374 --> 00:55:34,285
It's a nice, warm bed.
915
00:55:37,814 --> 00:55:40,931
These ones in this area are all male,
are they?
916
00:55:40,974 --> 00:55:43,124
They are, yes...
917
00:55:43,174 --> 00:55:47,611
Dad, aren't you bothered that
we didn't get you anything this year?
918
00:55:47,654 --> 00:55:51,249
Huh! Why change the habit of a lifetime?
919
00:55:53,334 --> 00:55:57,122
Well, we all clubbed together,
920
00:55:57,174 --> 00:56:00,132
even Nana,
921
00:56:00,174 --> 00:56:02,642
and... we got you this.
922
00:56:07,294 --> 00:56:10,206
"To the best dad and husband
in the world.
923
00:56:10,254 --> 00:56:12,643
"From your loving family."
924
00:56:26,614 --> 00:56:29,287
Sky?
925
00:56:29,334 --> 00:56:33,486
Sky TV? You've got me Sky TV?
926
00:56:36,294 --> 00:56:38,285
200 channels?
927
00:56:40,454 --> 00:56:42,524
Roger, my arse!
928
00:56:43,414 --> 00:56:45,974
♪ So here it is
929
00:56:46,014 --> 00:56:48,050
♪ Merry Christmas
930
00:56:48,094 --> 00:56:52,246
♪ Everybody's having fun
931
00:56:53,294 --> 00:56:57,207
♪ Look to the future now
932
00:56:57,254 --> 00:57:03,887
♪ It's only just begun
933
00:57:03,934 --> 00:57:06,528
♪ So here it is
934
00:57:06,574 --> 00:57:08,530
♪ Merry Christmas
935
00:57:08,574 --> 00:57:12,328
♪ Everybody's having fun
936
00:57:13,854 --> 00:57:17,529
♪ Look to the future now
937
00:57:17,574 --> 00:57:25,686
♪ It's only just begun ♪
72961
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