All language subtitles for My.Favorite.Martian.S01E28.If.You.Cant.Lick.Em.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-NTb

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

(audience laughing)

(slow music)
(audience laughing)

- Must you do that?

- What's that?

- It's a
serapedullaicksnayguruledooadepa

and why don't you go home?

- Neat.

- It is efficient,
essential, and broken,

but definitely not neat.

Now will you kindly go home?

- What's it do?

- Nothing at the moment, which
is precisely the problem.

- What's it do when it's fixed?

- It whistles Dixie.

Now why don't you
run along and play

with your little friends, huh?

- What friends?

- Figures.
(audience laughing)

There, that oughta do it.

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

Uh, maybe you can find some nice

little old lady who
needs to be helped

across the street, huh?

- That's for boy scouts.

What are you gonna do in there?

- Obviously nothing.
(audience laughing)

(popping)

- How come you don't have a job?

My mom said guys that
don't have jobs are bums.

- Your mother is a...

A charming woman.
(audience laughing)

Now why don't you run
along and give her

the pleasure of
your company, hm?

(buzzing)
(popping)

(audience laughing)

Neat.

(beeping)

(slow, ominous music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

(buzzing)
(audience laughing)

(buzzing)
(audience laughing)

(buzzing)
(audience laughing)

- Hey, you know, you
could replace automation.

- Tim, the situation
is becoming untenable.

- Oh come on, now,
he's just a child

with normal
curiosities and, well,

you know how kids are.

- I do not know how kids are.

Where I come from, we born with

our faculties fully developed.

- Well he'll stop
hanging around, he'll
lose interest and...

- Mhm, and while he's losing
interest, I'm losing time.

I haven't been able
to get near the garage

for almost a week now.

Every time I make a move,
there's Horrible Horace.

What am I going to
do about that child?

- You sound terribly concerned
about the whole thing.

You don't think he
suspects anything, do ya?

- I wouldn't know.

- Well you can read
his mind can't ya?

- Ah ha ha, it isn't easy to
read the mind of a 10 year old.

Some of your most distinguished
child psychologists

admit that it's almost
impossible to grasp

the mental processes
of a 10 year old boy.

- Well, his mind is
sending, isn't it?

- Oh, it's sending, alright.

Horace is sending
and I'm receiving,

and who can decipher it?

- Decipher what?

- I intercept a steady
stream of gibberish,

which consists
primarily of "neat,"

"neat-o," "gonna
bust that Fatso one,"

and "how about
that Sandy Cofax."

That's delivered
rather admiring.

Makes sense to you?

- Sure.

- Then you've missed
your vocation.

I suggest that you
give up reporting,

and devote your entire time to--

(gasping)
(buzzing)

- What's the matter?
Something wrong, Uncle Martin?

- It's coming.

- What's coming?

- I could say the millennium,

but it would be a big, fat lie.

It's Horrible Horace,
he's on his way over here

right this minute.

I can't face it.

I simply can't face it.

You'll have to cope with
him, I'm going to disappear.

(buzzing)

- You're still here.

- Of course I'm still
here, I'm just invisible.

- No you're not.

- Don't be ridiculous.

Relax, raise antenna,
concentrate, all gone.

- Uh uh.

- You mean I'm not all gone?

- Well your antennas
are up, but, um,

you're still visible.

- Huh, huh, what?

Maybe I didn't relax enough.

I'll try again.

Relax.

Raise antenna.

- Uh, you can't.

- I can't what?

- Raise your antennas,
they're already up.

- Already up, are they?

(audience laughing)

They're stuck.
- You're kidding.

- I'm not kidding.
My antenna are stuck.

- Do you mean you
can't disappear?

- That's exactly what I mean.

Do you realize that
if Horrible Horace

sees me in this
condition, the jig is up?

That kid has a very large mouth.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(tense music)

- Smaller, smaller.

- I can't make myself smaller.
(audience laughing)

- No, no, no, no, no.

Under the couch.

- I can't get under the
couch, I'll bend my antenna.

I've never been so
humiliated my whole life,

and I'm 451 years old.
(audience laughing)

(slow, tense music)

(buzzing)
(audience laughing)

- What are you doing?

- You'll see.

(tense music)

Put it on, fast.

- But, but but--
- Don't argue.

With my antenna, I stand
out like a sore thumb.

But if we both have antenna...

- I don't get it.

- If you wanted to hide a
tree, where would you hide it?

- In the forest?

- Roger.

Zero hour.

(slow, tense music)

(audience laughing)

I don't believe I
heard you knock.

(whistling)

(whistling)

(whistling)

- Neat.

Neat-o.

I'm gonna get some
and play Martian, too.

(audience laughing)

(slow music)

- Uncle Martin,
your mouth is open.

- I know, I opened it.

- Did you hear what
that little boy said?

He's gonna run right out
and make some antennas.

- It's a revolting
idea, but I doubt

that it will come to anything.

His mother's hardly
likely to permit him

to use their television antenna.

- I suppose you're right.

- And would you mind taking
off those silly things?

If there's anything I
hate, it's a cheap copy.

(audience laughing)
- Oh (chuckling).

I'm sorry.

Well, at least that worked.

Well now do you think you
can get your antenna down?

- I don't know.

I've never faced
this problem before.

- Suppose they stay
stuck like that, forver.

(slow, tense music)

- Bite your tongue.
(audience laughing)

- [Tim] Oh Uncle
Martin, look, we're not

even sure the steam'll
turn the trick.

- It doesn't do much
for lobsters, either.

(audience laughing)

More.

(slow music)

- Uncle Martin,
you're getting redder.

- Just turn, turn.

(slow music)
(audience laughing)

- 103.

104.

105.

106.

107.

- Anything?

- Uh uh.

- If anyone had told
me 100 years ago

that this was going
to happen to me.

I may have to spend the next
250 years in this condition.

- Don't worry, Uncle Martin.

I'll take care of you, somehow.

- Thank you, Tim.

I'm very touched.

However...

You'll have to will
me to your son,

your grandson, your
great grandson,

and your great,
great grandson, and--

- Oh yeah.

I never thought of that.

- Handed down from one
generation to another,

like an old high boy.

Or a cane back rocking chair.

An antique.

- Oh don't say
that, Uncle Martin.

There's gotta be an answer.

I know there is.

- Yeah.

- Antenna.

- Antenna?

Let me see.

No, no antenna.

How 'bout a nice pogo stick?

Hippity-hop, hippity-hop,
hippity-hop, hippity.

No?

(audience laughing)

Uh, pinball game.

You shoot it, it tilts,
and the lights go on,

and a big siren goes off.

(audience laughing)
No?

Well I'm sorry, I don't
have a toy antenna, boys.

Where'd you see them?

- Tim O'Hara and
his Uncle Martin.

- Well why don't you ask
them where they got 'em?

- They didn't get
'em, they made 'em.

- Made 'em?

- Out of TV antennas.

- Wow.

And all the kids want them?

Made 'em, huh?

Tell you what boys.

I'll look into it, you come
back in a couple of days,

and we will see
what we will see.

Alright?

- [All] Neat.

(upbeat music)

Milton Surplus?

Now Barnaby here.

Listen, Milton.

Have you still got
that shipment of

TV antennas you got stuck with?

Right.

What about those
metal sleeve bands?

Right.

Hey, we're in business.

Yeah, how's this for a slogan:

"Be a Martian."
(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

(children yelling)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- What are you doing?

- Chilling myself.

- Why?

- Because I think
I'm a dry martini.

(audience laughing)

Sorry.

(murmuring)

I thought I would try
reducing the body temperature.

It's an act of desperation.

- I don't wanna upset
you anymore than you are.

- Nothing could make the
situation any worse than it is.

- You haven't been out of
the house for a few days.

- Well I hardly think
it would be politic

to exhibit myself
in this condition.

(audience laughing)
- Yeah.

Uncle Martin, half
the kids in town

are now wearing antenna.

- They're what?

- Wearing antenna,
you know, (whistling).

- Revolting.

- Revolting?

- How would you like to have
some physical characteristic

of yours imitated and ridiculed?

- Yeah, I guess that
is pretty revolting.

- And humiliating.

And demeaning.

Is there something else?

- Yes.

- Well, out with
it, out with it.

I can't read minds, you know.

Not anymore.
(audience laughing)

- I...

I got a call at
the office today.

(phone ringing)
That's it.

- That's what?

- The call.

You see, I told them to call
me here at home tonight.

- Well?

Answer it.
(phone ringing)

- It's for you.
(audience laughing)

- Everyone can
read minds but me.

(audience laughing)

Hello?

This is Martin O'Hara.

Yeah?

You what?

Oh.

That was Minute Magazine.

They wanna do a story
on me, with pictures.

It seems that I'm
the inventor of a fad

that's sweeping the nation.

It's bigger than the hula hoop.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(baaing)

(audience laughing)
(baaing)

Who asked for your opinion?
(audience laughing)

(whistling)

- It's not working.

- Obviously.

What are we going to do
about Minute Magazine?

You know, we can't go on
stalling them indefinitely.

They'll become suspicious.

- Well, I don't see why they
should become suspicious.

- There are times when I
find you remarkably naive.

In your society, if a man
invents or produces something,

what's the first
thing that he does?

- Advertises, I guess.

- Right.

And if the opportunity
presents itself

to get a lot of free publicity,
and the man doesn't take it,

what does that make him?

- A nut?
(audience laughing)

- Well I wouldn't put
it quite that way,

but that's the idea.

Now, if I permit the magazine
to do a spread on me,

I'll get a lot of
publicity I don't want.

If I don't permit them,
they will become intrigued.

- Oh, and then you'll just
get a lot of publicity anyway.

(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)

(gasping)

- Oh, I beg your
pardon, it's, you know,

the peanuts, you know.

(gasping)
(buzzing)

(audience laughing)

Something wrong?

- Unc!

- What's the matter?
Go down the wrong way?

- Your...

Look, look, look, look, look.

- They're down!
- They're down!

- Down.
- Yeah, way down.

* Upon the Swanee River

* Far, far away

- How did it happen?

- You mean you don't know?

- Well it chagrins me to admit
it, but no, I don't know.

- What happens when my
radio goes on the blink?

- You mean when
it stops playing?

- Yeah, that's
right, what do I do?

- You kick it.

You...

You kick it a sudden jolt.

- A sudden jolt,
just like that hiccup

you had down there.

And then what happens finally?

- It makes the
connection, and it works.

It worked!
- It worked!

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

For me?

Oh.
(audience laughing)

- You deserve 'em.

(buzzing)

- I'm famished.

I haven't felt this
hungry in days.

- Well come on, we'll
go out and have a steak.

- With onion rings.

- With everything,
we'll celebrate.

- We'll celebrate.

(knocking)

- Yes?

- Mr. O'Hara?

- Yes.

- I'm Barnaby, this is
my attorney, Mr. Smight.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

- Can we come in?

- Yes, please do.

Uh, sit down, please.

- Oh, thank you.

- I...

I'd like you to meet
my Uncle Martin.

- This is just the
man we want to see.

- Why?

- Let me handle it.

Mr. O'Hara, we understand
that you are the inventor

of the new game, Be A Martian.

- Oh, well (laughing)
it was nothing.

- Some nothing.

Ever since Horace
came in and asked

for an antenna, you do
know Horace don't you?

He certainly knows you.
(baaing)

- Oh I know him well.

He's a living doll.
(audience laughing)

- Yes, yes, of course.

Well at any rate, Mr. Barnaby
has a proposition for you.

- What kind of a proposition?

- A very lucrative
one, I might say.

Mr. Barnaby is
manufacturing the item.

- That's before I
knew the right to--

- Until...

I informed him he'd
better clear it with you.

You see, Mr. Barnaby
wishes to triple,

or even quadruple his output.

- It's like a mission.

In the next six months,
there won't be a kid

from the rock bound
coast of Maine,

to the sunny shores
of California,

that won't be
wearing an antenna.

It'll be as big as a--
- Don't say it.

- No, no, my uncle isn't
interested, Mr. Barnaby.

- Well, then he should
have no objections

in turning over
his rights to us.

For an equitable
settlement of course.

- Tell him about the
patent, the patent.

- Yes, yes.

Well, now then, in order
to protect his investment,

Mr. Barnaby wishes
to patent the item.

Naturally, you'll
be given credit

as the inventor, of course.

(audience laughing)

Was there anything
wrong, Mr. O'Hara?

- No, no, no.

Why don't you just
leave the papers here

and we'll have my
attorney check them?

- Well, fine, fine.

- Yeah, but don't wait too long.

We don't want anybody else
to beat us to the punch.

(baaing)

- [Mr. Smight] Good night.

- Good night.

(knocking)

Can I ask you something?

- Sure.

- Why do you keep a
goat in your apartment?

(audience laughing)

- Any ideas?

Well we just gotta stop Barnaby
from patenting that thing.

Because if he does,
they'll be a record

at the patent office
in Washington.

And then the tax people
are gonna come down here

and wanna check our books.

And then, your presence will
be officially established.

Then they'll discover that you

don't have a birth certificate.

You don't have a
social security number.

You don't even have
a driver's license.

- And if they take
my finger prints,

they'll discover I don't
have those, either.

(audience laughing)

- [Tim] Where you going?

- No place.

(buzzing)
(audience laughing)

- [Tim] What are you doing?

- I always think
better lying down.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Uncle Martin.

What are you doing?

- Sit down.

- Okay.

What are you doing?

- Solving our problem.

- You mean it?

- Of course I mean it.

Wishful thinking, double
talk, and childish boasting

are strictly Earth
characteristics.

We are going to
discuss human nature.

- Well you know, Uncle Martin,

I really enjoy our
philosophical discussions but,

right now, don't you
think you oughta tell me

exactly how you
solved our problem?

- I'll simplify it,
and illustrate how

I have solved our problem.

- Good, because I don't
think we can stall Barnaby

much longer about the patent.

- We won't have to.

I begin.

We will begin by
considering human nature.

- [Tim] But--

- With the emphasis on human.

- Okay.

- Well let me put it this way.

What do you know about fads?

- Fads?

- Fads.

- Well I know they
sweep the country.

- And how is a fad terminated?

Ended?

- I don't know.

- Well, I do.

- You do?

- Yes, I do.

I most certainly do.

Oh, I can remember the Big Apple

and college boys
wearing raccoon coats,

and swallowing gold fish.

But to get to the case in point.

The only way to end the fad,

is to replace it with another.

Well?

- Oh, I'm following you.

But I'm not getting any place.
(audience laughing)

- I'll elaborate.

What if suddenly there
wasn't a solitary child

interested in playing
Martian anymore?

- Well, all the kids
would take their antenna

and through 'em in the toy box.

- And forget about them.
- Right.

- And Barnaby would have
no market for his antenna,

and subsequently no reason
to manufacture them.

And, ipso-facto, no reason
to patent the device.

Minute Magazine would
not be interested.

- Uncle Martin, you're a genius.

- Even on Mars, I'm
rather highly thought of.

(audience laughing)
- What's the plan?

- I am going to
initiate a new fad.

It works on the drawing
board, and there's no reason

why it shouldn't work in
practical application.

It's inexpensive,
it's easy to make,

and it's unpatentable and if
I know human nature, and I do,

in 24 hours, antenna will
be a glut on the market.

Now, I will need the
following supplies.

(upbeat music)

- What's that?

- You'll see.

- Kid stuff.
(audience laughing)

- I don't recall inviting
you to be an observer.

Clothes pin, please.

Mhm.

(humming)

(audience laughing)
Alright, rubber band.

Ah, now, for the
moment of truth.

Tighter, tighter, tighter.

- What for?

- Tight, but not too tight.

The principle, the
same as that applied

to a model airplane.

- What's it do?

- It's called a nosemobile,
and anyone can make one.

Right now, open your mouth.

(slow music)

(audience laughing)
Take off.

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

The planet Earth is
divided into two parts.

One adult, one child.

And to understand the
workings of a child's mind,

you don't have to be a Martian.

But it helps.
(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

(upbeat music)